Get Off My Lawn Podcast #21 | On The Inside, I’m a Four
Outside of murder, mental illness, and drug addiction, family is forever. Friends however, renew their contract about once a year which is usually how often you have a really big fight. I just said a permanent goodbye to my pal of 35 years, Steve. You will do the same with your closest friends. Sometimes you cancel your friend plan after the first year. Sometimes you renew the contract for decades. It will eventually end, especially if one of you has a family and the other doesn’t. If it’s permanence you’re looking for (and you are) start a family.
And I just thought it'd be funny to sort of look back because we all have this, right?
We lose friends.
We have that last thing they ever say where you just go, all right, we're done.
And I think friends are like cell phone contracts.
Every year you get a chance to renew because you're going to have a fight every year.
And you're not speaking for maybe three days and then you show up and you say, do you want to get a beer?
Or you apologize.
A fun way to apologize, by the way, and save face is you go, look, man, I've been thinking about what you said and I guess I realized your point and I got to say, I'm sorry.
I'm so and pretend you can't say sorry it's stolen from the Fonz when he told I think Ralph Malfe that he should join the army and then he realized he's gonna end up in Vietnam and so he's told Ralph that he was wrong but he couldn't say wrong so he goes look I Ralph I was I was I've been using that joke since Fonz did that which was probably in the 70s I
So uh yeah every year you renew and I've been renewing my contract with this guy since 1984 since before you were born we've been bros and that was just it and he's he actually dumped me so I don't want to come across sound like I had had enough He had had enough and he dumped me.
And it's weird because he said it's because I'm a fascist and he's not a political dude at all.
So it's like me dumping someone because they support the Dallas Cowboys and I've decided that sports is my thing.
Politics is not his thing.
So, I suspect it's really because I've got a wife and kids and, you know, you can't be friends with people who don't have kids.
Sorry.
You can be an acquaintance.
But as far as real friends, you're done.
First of all, you are thinking, get your shit together.
Go get some kids.
What are you doing?
And then they are thinking, man, this dude's so jealous of me.
I got totally laid last night.
Yeah, dude, I've been laid a billion times.
I've experienced your life.
You haven't experienced my life.
I've done that thing with the chicks.
I closed that book.
That chapter's done.
I'm in a whole new book now.
And I want you to try it.
It's a fun book.
You're still a teenager.
That's boring.
You've been sowing your wild oats for 30 years.
I'm not specifically talking about Steve now.
I'm talking about all these wrinkled teens.
These guys still playing video games in their 40s.
If you're not married in your 40s, you're a dork.
Sorry.
And that's the majority of the people I know.
I remember one time he said, dude, you gotta come to my house.
It's so awesome.
He convinced his parents to give them his inheritance before they died.
Kind of a good hustle, I guess.
So he bought a house at a very young age.
And he never really worked.
He'd just been selling the house and rebuilding it and, you know, playing around, playing guitar.
And he used to play with Melissa Oftermar from Hole.
But otherwise, he's just sort of been hanging.
And I don't care.
That's none of my business.
So we would get along great, because we have the same sense of humor.
And we did a movie together.
It's called The Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants.
It's a fake movie.
I set up a comedy tour because I've always said stand-up comedy is easy.
Just go do it.
I think I'll put up a video I did at the stand where I pulled my dick out.
I'll have to blur my dick.
Jay Gomez, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake.
I was making fun of comedians because they're such losers and they always have a little thing of water and they always talk about being in the trenches and how hard their job is and, man, it must be scary to go on stage.
It is easy.
If you're funny, you're just telling a funny story.
Like, here's something you could say on stage if you want to try it.
I just, I was just talking about this maybe an hour ago.
What does Sean King do when he's at the gym and everyone sees his normal dick?
All the brothers.
Because he's at a black gym.
I assume he lives in a black neighborhood.
He has a black wife, black kids.
He's a black man.
But he's not a black man, right?
He's somehow tricked himself into believing he's black.
But the penis don't lie.
So he must be in the change room and they all have their gigantic NBA schlongs.
And they're like, yo Sean, what's up?
He's like, oh yo man, I'm cold.
I just had like a cold shower and shit, dog.
No, you didn't, man.
I was with you.
I was spotting you lifting weights.
You just came straight here.
No, man.
I did Adderall this morning.
It shrinks it up.
That's why it looks like a white dude's.
Really?
You don't seem like you're on Adderall.
You seem like you're a white guy.
I don't know.
All day I've been thinking about Sean King.
I mean, people lie.
I've come across many a liar.
But I've heard of guys who have a second family, like another wife.
That was sort of common with boomers.
Not common, but more common.
But those guys must lie in bed at night and go, I'm a fraud.
Like, Sean King, I know he lies to himself and he lies to everyone, but he must, Talcum X must be lying in bed just going, does it ever end?
Do I ever come clean?
Like, what if I grow out my long, thin, non-curly brown hair?
I mean, if there's a barber strike, I'm done for.
Anyway, say that on stage, it's funny.
So I did this comedy tour and Steve and I, we laughed our heads off the entire time.
But even on that, there was a problem.
He wanted to seem like he was a really busy producer.
So we had to pretend that he lost a gig in it.
But he didn't lose any gig.
He had nothing going on.
The irony was, Brian, the guy who filmed it, he missed a gig at MTV editing.
It was going to be like 10 grand.
So while we're pretending that Steve missed out on this awesome thing in the movie, it was actually Brian.
The guy, the little nerd, 24 year old, had a lot more going on than either of us, actually.
Anyway, um, and I'll just go over my relationship with Steve.
Not because you care, not because that's relevant, but this is what's going to happen to you.
You're going to have a friendship like this.
So this was a friendship that was, what, 35 years in the making.
No, not in the making, in the doing.
And you're gonna lose a friend that you've had for 35 years.
And all those memories, well, they don't become nothing.
You just, they're not as important anymore.
And you just say bye.
In fact, holy shit, that's what the movie was about.
The movie was about all these years we've had together.
We pretended we stopped being friends.
Holy shit, I can't believe I'm just realizing this right now.
In the movie, we pretend that we stopped being friends, and then we make up at the end, and we hug, and he's my best friend, and that was all fiction.
It was like a fake documentary.
But in real life, we do stop being friends.
And no, there isn't a happy ending.
That's hilarious. - I'm serious.
And in the movie, there's this big emotional scene where I go to his house and I'm like, I'm sorry, man.
What's going on?
I actually literally cried in the movie.
I got, I'm such a good actor and I got so, and then he started crying because I was crying.
So we have faked this breakup.
But in reality, it's just an email where he goes, you're the only one that's a four on the inside.
And I was like, okay, well, I guess we're done here.
Fuck you.
And he goes, yeah, I didn't know why you were emailing me.
I told you to fuck off a long time ago.
That's how it really ends with old men.
But yeah, in high school we went to the Earl of March in Kanata, Ontario, which is a small suburb outside of Ottawa.
The house I was in was one of these stupid Lego type houses where your neighbor has the exact same house and the trees are all planted recently.
It was like they just went bought a bunch of farmland and then made a bunch of cookie cutter homes.
So we're living there and we were the punks.
We weren't.
We were actually called the monks because we were half mods half punks.
And we had a gang and it wasn't part of the hierarchy.
It was like Scotland.
You know how the Scottish accent, no one sees that as upper class or lower class.
It's just Scottish.
So Scottish people can go to the poshest English party and no one cares.
And they can hang out with East Londoners and no one cares.
So being punk at school, we didn't, there was the in crowd, the jocks, they weren't, we weren't up or down.
Like we would go to their parties sometimes.
Actually the jocks would beat us up if we went to their parties.
There was a lot of sort of satellite groups at our school.
You know, whites are often seen as homogenous people, but we are very multicultural even within our own little groups.
Like, there was the Rockabillies, and there was a lot of them.
Rockabillies with creepers on, and pompadours, and stray cats looks.
Even one of them had a, like a Rockabilly old truck that had a gun rack on the back.
We're in Canada, by the way, so he just put a chain on his gun rack.
That's where I hold my chain collection.
And we had a skinhead, like a Nazi skinhead.
Only one.
Pat O'Connor was his name.
But he would sometimes bring the scary guys from downtown to kill us.
That was spooky.
There's punks, as I said, mods.
And then there was things called Karpies.
Our school, as I told you, they just bought farmland.
So just like you get coyotes in L.A.
who will eat your baby dog, we had farmer's kids.
Hosers!
Rednecks!
These, by the way, all these guys went skiing.
Downhill skiing in Canada, especially in Ontario when you're near Calabogie and the big hills, even Mount Tromel is not that far away, two hours.
It's not an upper middle class sport.
Rednecks do it.
Hosers do it.
They have a cigarette in their mouth and jeans and like a leather jacket and they're bombing down the hill with no gloves.
So they'd all wear their ski coats and their baseball hats high up on their heads like you could just... You could just blow it off their head.
These carpies.
They hated the punks.
I remember one time I had a shaved head that was leopard print and this carpie goes, I'm gonna cut your hair, eh?
I go, what?
You need a haircut, buddy.
I go, what kind of insult is that?
I already cut my hair.
I have very short hair.
What are you doing?
You say that about like a giant blue mohawk or something, dumbass.
We used to have these things in school.
We were very, very fun, by the way.
The thing about Ottawa and the surrounding suburbs is they're so boring that you become a fun expert.
Just like a pressure cooker.
Just like Bane!
Remember Bane?
He lived in that giant hole.
And knew nothing but pain and suffering.
And eventually, he developed the skills to escape.
And that's what we did.
In the pressure cooker jungle of dullness that is the Canadian suburbs, we created culture out of thin air.
So yeah, there was all these different subcultures in the school, all these different groups.
There was some jocks and the pretty girls.
You know what's funny about that generation, too, is the football players weren't cool.
And the cheerleaders were definitely not cool.
They were kind of seen as losers.
I don't know why that is.
Is it anti-Americanism?
I think it's because Square Pegs was big back then.
That was a show about misfits and nerds.
And when I was a teenager in the 80s, it was cool to be weird.
And normal people, like a handsome six-foot-tall football-playing jock, wasn't really that cool.
And then cheerleading that guy, well, that was pathetic.
So they were sort of poor, fat girls were the cheerleaders.
So we had our group, and we had our customs, and then we got from sort of the, they were kind of jockish, but there was this cool skater guy named Steve.
I won't say his full name.
You can look it up.
And he was friends with the jocks, and he was a year ahead of us, and he was one of the coolest guys in school.
He was skating, but not just like riding a skateboard.
He could ollie.
He would ride a half pipe and catch air.
I sound like such a square.
He would do a hand plant and what's called an Ollie McTwist, which was pioneered by Mr. Tony Hawk.
He also later would play guitar in a band called Grave Concerns.
Very, very cool guy.
It's got a catch for us, you know, but as I said, I guess we weren't on the hierarchy.
So We got big wins Sort of like when when crackle The the thing on roku got Jerry Seinfeld's comedians getting cars with coffee.
They're just so weird that you get them anyway Oh, that was my boss calling, that's never good.
I remember we were driving around in a car, we had like someone's, everyone has all the Carpies, whatever.
Some of our guys were Carpies, by the way.
You had overlap.
So we had Pete and Paul, who was a mod and a punk, but they also lived way out in Carp.
And all the Carpies have a car, obviously, because they live in the middle of nowhere.
So we always had a car, even at 16, 15.
So we're driving around in a car, and we have nothing to do, and Paul goes, I can't believe we're with Steve and we're not doing anything cool.
I remember looking at Paul like, dude, will you chill?
Don't give up our game.
So we got the cool guy, and Steve was genuinely cool.
Fun.
Like, cool is a thing.
It's an acquired taste.
Steve and I, by the way, have discussed the concept of cool for maybe 1,000 hours.
It started in the 50s.
I should do a whole podcast on it, actually.
It started in the 50s with Rebel Without a Cause and The Wild One.
Involves a white t-shirt.
It's a culture.
You can be cool or not cool.
You can be Amish or not Amish.
It's a thing.
It's not a it's not like people confuse it with like awesome or nice.
It's not an adjective like that.
It's a thing that you can be.
Like the dude always Dave Grohl is quantifiably objectively cool.
Wes Lang, the artist, is a cool person.
Scott Campbell, the tattooist, is quantifiably a cool person.
And nothing is less cool, by the way, than saying this.
It's like talking about humor.
You become unfunny the second you analyze it.
I remember we would go to these, uh, uh... Oh, good.
I'm invited to CPAC.
Hired, not fired.
I remember we'd go to these construction sites in Kanata.
K-A-N-A-T-A.
I don't know what it means.
Probably country.
And, uh, Indian word.
We'd go to these construction sites and we'd just mess with stuff and steal wood and jump off a thing and wreck something expensive or try to start a tractor.
I told you we were fun.
And then the security guard comes and normally you go, oh shit, and you run, right?
This is one of the first times I hung out with Steve and he goes, he stops running and he warns the security guard that he's trained in martial arts.
And he doesn't want to have to hurt him, but he may have to.
Of course, the security guard knows he's full of shit and keeps chasing him, but Steve would stay just out of his reach and do these dumb karate chops, and he goes, I don't want to kill you!
I was like, Steve, you're riffing as we're being arrested?
That's brilliant!
He's doing circle kicks and stuff really badly, but he's like, I don't want to have to hurt you!
And then laughing and running away, and we're always just out of his grasp.
This guy was purple with rage.
STEAMING MAD!
And then I realized, I think I want this guy to be my best pal.
This is too fun.
One time we were walking down the highway.
I don't know what we were doing, but these cars are whipping by and I was like, Jesus, how twisted would you have to be to just grab that cinder block and whip it at one of these cars?
And he does!
Smashes the window of a car with a cinder block.
It screeches to a stop.
It's full of dudes!
Like big football playing dudes!
We dart up into the trees, run into the forest, and then, totally instinctually, this was never mentioned, we just shoot up a tree.
I'm like 80 feet in the air.
He's 80 feet in the air somewhere else and we don't make a sound and we hear them But where are they?
I think they're over here shitting our pants and we just sit there swaying in the breeze under the night sky Blackness, thank God.
It wasn't a full moon It was attempted murder by the way that we got away with and we They eventually get bored.
Ah, fuck it, we lost them.
They go back in their car.
But we don't, we're so far into the forest, we can't hear the car drive off, plus it's a loud highway.
So we don't know if they're gone.
So I must have waited half an hour.
And then slowly came down the thing, and I don't want to say like, Hey, Steven!
Are you there?
It's me, the guy that you threw a rock at a car with, a cinder block at a car!
Like, I don't want to give myself away.
I could have done a bird call, but instead I just went, Stick!
And then he hears me, and he goes, Gah!
And then it's like Marco Polo, like, Stay!
Gah!
Stay!
Gah!
Stay!
Gah!
Oh, Jesus Christ, man!
Are you insane?
He goes, I don't know why I did that.
It's the craziest thing I've ever done.
Holy crap, wow, that was exciting, though.
It was fun.
It was a blast.
We used to do this game where we would, I don't know, it was like, there's a thing called the Nepean Sportsplex, and it's just a big pool that has these massive towers for professional diving.
And we would go there on Tuesday nights.
We just chose a random night.
Oh, it's Tuesday.
Sportsplex Tuesdays.
We all would have to wear pajamas.
That was a rule.
You can kind of see where the Proud Boys sort of evolved.
We all had to wear pajamas.
We all had to bring party crackers.
And we would go to the Nepean Sportsplex at night.
It was totally abandoned.
It'd be like one old lady doing laps, and it was an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and we would just fight and shove each other and go on the ropes and jump off the top tower and do backflips and always get kicked out.
Inevitably, you're going to get kicked out, but you would just see as long as we can go.
We wouldn't swim in our PJs.
We would change into bathing suits, but that would have been funny if we kept on the PJs.
That was a huge tradition back then and and we also invented this game boomerang death Where you would you would just chase each other.
It was like tag with a boomerang but a boomerang Kills when it hits you like it'll cut you and I remember one time I was running and I can hear like Chasing me like something out of Mad Max.
I dive for the ground.
The boomerang starts crawling along the ground.
WICKA TICKA TICKA TICKA!
Like ripping up grass.
As it mows the lawn.
And then TICKA TICKA!
Across my back.
OW!
GOD!
We wanna play a game with BB guns.
Where uh...
We would all line up like 10 of us and shoot each other.
So you would have 10 guys shooting BBs at a guy who was maybe 50 feet away and you'd wear like three pairs of jeans, four hats, five coats.
It still would kill getting shot with a BB gun.
But you'd only have to run like once and then you'd get to shoot guys all day.
It felt like math screwed up and allowed us too much fun.
I remember one time we were at a party and Paul McCarthy, he says, we had BB guns everywhere.
We carried them all the time.
It was like we had concealed carry for BB guns.
Illegal in Canada, I guess.
In New York you'd get five years.
But, uh, when there's a big bunch of guys staying over, you declare a bet.
I get Tom's bed, got it, okay.
And then I'm drunk out of my mind, right, as kids get, and I just go, no, that's not Tom's bed, that's my bed.
So I took the bed Paul had called.
And so he points his gun right at my face, and he goes, get up now, like Clint Eastwood.
And, uh, I just go, fuck you, and he just goes, and shoots me in the face at point-blank range.
And then he goes, oh my god!
And I go, what the fuck have you done, Paul?
It's not that bad.
It's a BB, right?
And blood's coming out of my face, and it's wedged in there.
And I just get nauseous instantly.
I think it's a Scottish thing.
So I have to go to the toilet and barf, because it's not so much the pain, just that I'm bleeding a lot.
I don't know.
It's nauseating.
So I go, and I start my barfing.
And they're looking at the hole as I'm barfing.
And they go, it's gone.
I think it got out.
Now, I never went, like, Oh, can I see it?
But they just say no, it's definitely... And it was someone's older brother who was looking, and we were like maybe 15 at the time, so it sounded like a 17-year-old said it.
It's probably safe.
But then I noticed for the next few weeks that every time I would laugh, ah, my jaw would go, I'd hear, I'd hear like, I don't know if I could do it here, maybe like... And it was my jawbone scraping the BB.
So I go, I call Paul and I go, dude, I have a BB in my head and you put it there.
You got to drive me to the hospital.
Canada has free healthcare.
So, you know, I just show up at ER and I go, I have a BB in my face.
Please take it out.
It's, it's ruining my laughs.
Cause I hear a steel on bone.
And so they go in there and he just slices me open, I don't think he used anesthetic, and he has these fucking calipers, these long, it's like something out of the Saw, that movie Saw.
It's these long pointy tweezers that bend at the end and have a skinny skinny needle-like point.
And then he reaches in my skin, finds the bucket-shaped bullet, and then, like, pulls it out.
Like, I feel it getting sucked.
So I'm just like, I'm gonna barf.
I gotta do my classic barf here.
This is nauseating.
And I'm wearing the little, um...
Mind the little robe you wear where you're naked, right?
And I'm sort of in a daze, and I feel nauseous and sick again.
I just, I got a really weak stomach, basically.
And so I walk, Paul's waiting in the waiting room.
I don't know why I'm making this all about Paul when it's the Steve episode, but whatever.
Steve was always around for all this stuff.
And I go into the bathroom, and I'm in the waiting room's bathroom.
I don't know why I didn't use another bathroom.
I was in a daze.
I was so nauseated by that, having that bullet pulled out.
It felt so gross.
And I sit down, I start having another form of barfing, which is explosive diarrhea.
And then I take off the hospital gown, because I don't know, you know how it is when you're sort of like hot and you feel not, I'm actually getting the feeling right now, you just sort of feel like bad trippy, acidy, and you go, ugh, get this cloth off, I'm hot!
So I pull it off, so I'm totally, completely naked, sitting on the bowl, and I had forgotten to lock the door.
So this woman comes barging in, this has happened to me many times, And she screams!
Of all the things!
She screams.
She obviously wasn't expecting a naked man.
And then I get up, still diarrheeing, and I walk over to her going, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
We.
Anyway, that was the kind of fun we had in high school and Steve was the cool guy in our gang.
Big part of that.
We moved out together.
Our moms cried together when we were 18.
I guess he was 19.
He's older than me.
And we got a punk house.
The way you would move out back then is you'd have two guys with the least punky hair go and get a house or an apartment.
And then the other 10 guys would move in after and we'd have bunks and you know someone would sleep in the kitchen and the dining room in the basement by the boiler and it was alarmingly fun.
Even funner than the stupid hijinks I was telling you about in the suburbs.
This was like playing shows now, getting laid.
I don't know why you millennials are still at home.
Is masturbating that fun?
Get out of your house.
Yeah, but there's a Sub-Zero fridge with fresh strawberries.
Ew, good, you got some fresh fruit.
You got some rasps.
Good!
Food is for fags.
Okay?
When I was your age, we just had a 40-pound giant military pot of rice.
Or spaghetti.
Or maybe we'd have like frozen burgers sometimes and we would just eat that for days and days and days.
Chickpeas and hummus and stuff.
You don't need food.
You shouldn't even like food until you're an old person and you're going out to a nice restaurant with your wife.
Before that, it's just so you don't starve to death.
It's just sustenance.
I was talking to some young guy the other day.
He's like 24.
Yeah, I really miss the food in New York.
Food?
You shouldn't be eating food at your age.
It should be soylent, whatever that... No, no, not soy.
But some sort of a food substitute that's not soy-based.
I was gonna say soylent green, but that's people.
Soylent green is people!
We moved out of the house, had that life, and then I started Vice.
And it's funny, some of your friends, your high school friends, I feel like it's natural when you're around 22, you go, all right, I'm ready to start a project now.
I'm going to become a welder, or a stand-up comedian, or I'm going to be an actor, or I'm going to be an engineer.
I better get my degree in how to work a camera or something.
But then you have other guys that go, no, I'm not doing any of that.
That's gay.
And I guess Steve was one of those.
He never really, I mean, he pursued rock, but he didn't like it.
Like he said, I think he was drunk for most shows.
He was a good guitarist, but it was all muscle memory.
He would play shows and not even remember them.
Uh, and then eventually just got bored of that and stopped touring.
I don't think that ever made any money.
And we'd just live in the country.
And then, you know, we maintained our friendship.
I'd call him all the time and, uh, we'd hang out once in a while, whenever he was in New York.
And I remember one time, so he says, come to my house, come to my house.
It's awesome.
You're going to be so jealous.
And I go to his house and it's just like an old, very, very old kind of rickety house.
And it's not really kid-friendly, per se, especially the neighborhood.
There's nothing for my kids to do there.
And he kept begging us to come.
And I'm like, dude, why are we here?
He goes, oh, we're going to have so much fun.
Here, let's go to the swimming hole.
So he gets on his motorbike, and he's doing wheelies in front of the car.
Because he's still cool.
But when you're cool in your late 40s, it's a little less cool.
And he wanted to know if my kids are impressed by him doing wheelies.
And I said no, and he seemed disappointed.
Anyway, this is a crucial detail.
He takes us to this watering hole, this sort of swimming hole I should say, sorry, and it's really hard to get to if you're not an adult.
So there's down this rocky crag and then through these this bramble and over this thing and then you get there and it's like slippery rocks and there's a hell of a current and you're sort of going down here and it's freezing cold and It's the kind of thing I would love to do with him, if it was just me and him.
We'd grab a six-pack, run there.
I love, you know, I love finding a swimming hole.
It's one of the best things about Canada, upstate New York.
It's really, really fun, especially when it's undiscovered.
There's only a few people know about it.
Those are the best!
And there's a lot in New York.
This is where we were, upstate New York.
But I'm with three kids and one of them's a baby, dude.
I can't be walking down these rocks with a baby.
And this is the problem with being friends with people who don't have kids.
They don't understand how it works.
Meanwhile, you have friends over that have kids, and the kids have to go to bed, and their kids have to go to bed too, so the night wraps up pretty soon.
Or they get a babysitter, and you know, they get tired later, and you know, you have the same kind of interests, and you can talk about your kids sometimes.
It's... they just don't get us.
And they'll say things like, hey man, I'm in the city, you want to come out and get a beer?
And I go, uh, it's 11, dude.
Of course not.
Or they'll say, like my wife will stay with the kids, and they'll say, yeah, come on, let's party.
Okay, where do you want to meet?
Well, let's get dinner first.
Okay, yeah.
When do you want to get dinner?
Around 10, I guess.
10?
When we're back in bed watching our shows?
And we're going to have dinner in bed with me and my wife?
No.
We're on a totally different schedule, totally different mentality.
And maybe the people who don't have kids, they resent you.
Maybe they think you're a sellout or a pussy, or maybe they're jealous that they don't have a family.
Obviously, when I'm on this side of the fence, I'm going to assume it's jealousy, and I'm going to assume that's what happened with Steve.
Maybe not.
So, I make clear we can't do that again.
We can't come over to your house.
You know, it's just not kid-friendly.
It's dude-friendly.
It's where you go to get wasted, and I would love to get wasted there whenever you want.
And then we go to Sundance and for Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants and I'm jumping over, but like we also went to Europe together and that was in that other episode I talked to you about, uh, about touring all the squats in Europe.
That was with Steve again.
And so I'm jumping ahead decades here.
But, uh, everything was cool and we just realized that we can only party, but we'd still make jokes about people, you know, that we went to high school with and all that.
But, uh, things started to get weird.
There was this girl that I saw in his town in Hudson and she was a 10.
And believe me, I don't bandy that word around at all.
And I go, I called her Scott Peterson hot.
It's a joke I do where I say, that girl's so hot she'd make you want to kill your wife.
And another version of it, I heard some guy talk about Kimberly Guilfoyle.
And he goes, he goes, Kimberly Guilfoyle is a level of hot where you would kill your kids on Christmas Day just to eat out her ass.
Oh, I love men.
And so, So, uh, yeah, I said, uh, well, she's stunning, blah, blah, blah.
And then he ends up a couple of weeks later getting her.
I was like, holy shit, you got that 10?
She's like 21.
He goes, yeah, it's weird, but I pulled it off.
And I felt like we had something even, you know?
Then I've got the family, he's got the hot chick.
And then one night we were going out, and this is just my theory, right?
But we were talking and he's like, yeah, well, you must be jealous, obviously, that I'm with this hot young girl.
And I went, what?
Not in the slightest, dude.
Not in the slightest.
And I didn't insult his lifestyle, but I think he thought we were even.
And when I realized I wasn't jealous of the hot girl, and I love my wife more than you can imagine, our dynamic changed.
And then that same night, we got into a fight about politics and right wing and Justin Trudeau, who he likes, believe it or not.
And then he's talking about Monsanto.
This is a thing certain people are obsessed with, this Monsanto and genetically modified foods and how we're all being poisoned.
And meanwhile, yes, we have an obesity epidemic, but it's people overindulging themselves, burning less calories than they take in.
Pretty simple.
I don't think you can blame it on a...
Evil Corporation.
And we have a weird fight that night, where he refuses to come back to my house.
This is now two years ago.
And he sleeps in his van.
And he had like a shaggin' wagon.
This is the same high... He's really the same cool guy in high school.
Imagine how cool it would be in high school if you had a shaggin' wagon with a bed in it.
Well, now he's in his late 40s with one.
It's not quite the same zing.
And then he calls me the next day and he's like, I can't believe I did that.
That was ridiculous.
I'm embarrassed.
I regret it.
What the hell am I doing?
And I go, whatever.
I don't care.
I don't see him for a while.
And then out of the blue on my Instagram, there's this comment.
From him, publicly.
And it says, you used to be punk rock, now you're a sellout and a fascist, and I'll never forget when you gave your boots to the Nazis.
Now, I got beat up by Nazi skinheads, like 10 of them.
They beat the crap out of me.
And yes, after the beating, I took off my boots and handed them to them.
It's called being robbed.
It's not a favor.
Uh, so it was just a weird comment and then I, so I commented on his comment and said, what are you doing?
Steve, you were never even into punk.
Like the whole time he was just in, in hanging out with us to get chicks.
He never dyed his hair or anything.
It was never like, it was more in a sort of emo and, and uh, you know, melodic kind of dag nasty type of bands.
And it's not like he would go to rallies.
Like we were political punks and we'd go to all these things and his girlfriends always had like brown hair and looked nice.
He was a normal guy.
He was still the jock from high school, but he was like a skateboard jock.
So to pretend that we were punks together is just false.
I thought that was fucking weird.
And so the first fight doesn't count because he apologized, but this comment is just bizarre.
And then I thought, whatever, I guess I'll let it go.
So I let a few months go by.
And that, by the way, all of these are your cell phone contract.
Do you want to renew?
And I kept saying, fine, I'll renew.
It's getting expensive.
It's getting, I'm not really enjoying my service.
But I'll renew, fine.
I don't want to get a new, worry about throwing out the cell phone.
I've had it for 35 years.
Literally, we were friends for 35 fucking years.
Um, so uh, I wonder if I've ever seen him have sex.
I think so.
I think I would walk in on him having sex and he'd laugh and smile and wave like if you couldn't see your face and he'd be like, hey dude, check it out, I'm fucking.
That's the kind of thing best friends do.
We would sleep in the same room for years.
I mean, we were inseparable.
Really, two peas in a pod.
But, and you understand if we were both political, And, you know, we ran the Libertarian Socialist Democratic People's Newspaper together, and then I said, no, I'm not a communist anymore, I like Trump now.
That would make sense, because you'd go, what happened?
But this is someone who's never mentioned politics once.
In fact, when we had that fight, we stopped in the van, he was talking about Monsanto.
I was like, so you give a shit about Monsanto now?
I've never heard you mention this, ever!
We never talked about politics, ever!
We talked about girls and sex and cool and bands.
Like, here's a typical exchange.
It was one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me.
I was sitting, we were sitting at a ski lodge in Aspen and we were waiting for something.
Can't remember what.
And then he sees this guy who rides mountains on his bicycle.
It's, I'd never seen this before.
They've got huge knobby tires and you do jumps and stuff and you take this chairlift up and then you come down on your mountain bike, your, and it can do ice.
It's no problem with ice.
It's not slipping.
You do flips and all kinds of stuff.
It's extreme mountain biking in the snow.
And Steve was a big BMX kid as well as a skater, which is rare.
And he, you know, rides dirt bikes his whole life.
His parents got divorced when he was young, so he got whatever he wanted.
And so he was the only 14-year-old with a dirt bike I've ever seen in my life, north of the Mason-Dixon line.
So he's talking to that guy.
And he's getting along with them and they exchange numbers later.
He's like, that's cool.
Let's try it sometime.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's dope, man.
Dope.
He's a very masculine guy, this Steve.
So women are very attracted to him, even though he's bald.
And guys, guys love him.
Meanwhile, I was looking over at this guy.
He was wearing slippers and he's kind of chubby and he had like a Carhartt jacket on.
He's talking about to four old ladies and his hair was kind of in his eyes.
Looked kind of like a pothead schlub, but a good guy.
And the woman he was talking to were laughing.
It was like his Nana's friends.
And, uh, after he, he walks away and he goes, what a cool dude.
And I go, I was just thinking the same thing about that guy.
And he looks over and sees who I've been looking at.
And he goes, Look at the kind of guy you're attracted to and the kind of guy I'm attracted to, you fucking fag!
Oh my god, did we laugh because he wasn't kidding.
That was a fall off the chair.
We used to call them slap me's.
It's in my movie because when we were little kids, like 13, we were trying pot and it just, you know, I have to smoke it like 20 times before it takes.
And we had hash in Canada back then.
So we're smoking hash and we're like, are you high?
I'm not high.
Are you high?
And then Peter McCarthy goes, I'm feeling like little snakes kind of go ziggly ziggly up my body.
And I go, Oh shit, I think we might be high.
And then, I think it was Peter Zabo or someone just lays his hand out and he goes, SLAP ME SOME SKIN, BOBBY!
And we all laughed so hard that we almost died.
I was physically grasping at air and trying to put it into my mouth because I was suffocating from laughing for an hour.
We were screaming.
So ever since then we called laughing your head off slap me's.
And we would have slap me after slap me.
We've had hundreds of thousands of slap me's over the years.
But I renew my contract, despite the Instagram comment.
And we're not doing great, obviously.
I don't understand the comment.
I think he might have just been drunk.
And I've done stupid things when I'm drunk.
I've done pretty much everything when I'm drunk.
I'm drunk.
And then I think, you know what?
Let's just smooth it over.
Who cares?
So I'm looking up girls we went to high school with.
And there was one who was just breathtaking.
I won't say her name.
But I was very attracted to her in high school.
She was out of my league.
Very healthy.
And obviously she's in her late 40s now because we're old.
And so I finally track her down through Facebook and I am horrified!
Her eyes are these dark holes, and she must smoke a lot, and she's all haggard, and her hair looks like you could just sort of take it out like cotton candy, like it looks so weak and thinning, and she looks like a thousand years old.
And I'm like, holy crap, and I grab a picture and I go, dude, did you see what happened to Blah Blah Blah?
She is so brutally ugly.
She's like a four, max maybe a three.
I'd rather have sex with Leslie Jones.
I think she's a three.
No, she's a four.
And he goes, yeah, well, you're the only one who's a four on the inside, buddy.
And I go, all right, well, we're done here.
Fuck you.
Have a nice life.
And he goes, yeah, I already said that to you.
Give me a call if you ever get over this fascism thing.
And that's the end of that.
35 years.
Not down the tubes.
It was awesome.
But it really is funny how, you know, outside of family, everything is temporary.
And I know plenty of you don't speak to your brothers and sisters or your mothers.
I think that's wrong.
I don't care how, outside of murder, I don't care what your siblings' politics are or what your dad said to your mom or whatever.
You gotta make up.
Look, I've had dry periods.
I haven't spoken to them for months at a time.
That's lame.
You need to keep your family by you.
Of course there's the junkies who rip off your mom and lose it mentally.
I'm not counting that, obviously.
Outside of major crimes and mental illness where it's almost empowering them too much to stay with them.
You've really gotta stick by them.
Whatever.
Friends?
They go.
They might be your friend for one year.
They might be your friend for 35 years.
But it just is temporary.
And that's why I think it's so important to have a family because when you have that bond, when you have three children who, any one of my three kids, I could just stare at for hours.
And even my wife, I still think she is so hot.
Like I would jump her bones if it wouldn't, if the kids weren't around.
Oh my God.
If the kids weren't around, my wife would be in a wheelchair from excessive fornication.
I would just be ripping her clothes off.
I can't believe you people don't have kids.
If I didn't have kids, my girlfriend would have to take her clothes off the second she walked in the front door and they would be in a bucket by the front door.
Like, why is she not nude?
Every second you're with her.
I'm sometimes embarrassed by my wife because I think she looks like a porn star because I lust her so much, but she doesn't to other people.
I remember my buddy Fred from Brooklyn, he goes, he goes, been married 30 years and I'd love to eat her out right now.
She was there at the party just rolling her eyes across the table.
That was at Kumia's house.
But yeah, friendship is great, and it's a thorough way to enjoy yourself, especially in your youth, but it's flitting.
And the only thing that remains is family.
And that is a message from God, by the way.
Saying look I want you guys to enjoy yourselves and hang out, but I need you to propagate this human race thing So eventually settle down and make kids and I promise I'll reward you with an extra level of endorphin serotonin full meaning You know Lauren Southern had a video recently where she talked about people being less happy after kids, but your scale of happiness changes Like, what you define as fantastic has just been raised.
The bar has been raised.
So your scope of joy is different.
So ladies, I will wrap this up by saying if you're 25, it's time to start focusing on this boyfriend.
If he is a musician, or a photographer, or a standard comedian, dump his ass.
He's going to cheat on you and waste your best years.
Dudes, I think you could probably go to 30.
Parting your ass off, but eventually, and this is in Charles Murray's book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead, he describes how you know which one to marry.
You gotta have your solids in common.
I don't think you have to have the same politics.
I don't have the same politics as my wife.
But we both have the same sense of humor.
We both like the same kind of music.
We both enjoy the same things, movies.
We're similar in that sense.
We both have the same kind of fun together.
And, uh, after 30, dude, put a ring on it.
Stop being a pussy.
Make some babies.
And you people who are on birth control after the wedding, what are you doing?
Oh, we need a little more money.
Kids are free, moron.
They're exactly as expensive as you want them to be.
If you want them to be zero, then get hand-me-downs, use toys, abound.
Kids are very happy in a room.
They don't care.
They don't need an open field.
They're happy in an apartment.
They're fine.
They just want to be with parents and be loved.
School is free if you want it to be.
You're not immortal.
You're going to have miscarriages, ladies, if you wait to 35.
25 is time to get serious.
I want to see you start churning them out in your late 20s.
Because your job is stupid, and it's not as important as making human beings.
And as far as your friends go, they're wonderful, and they're there for the fun times, but they're not that important.
