Get Off My Lawn Podcast #14 | Tell me something that's true that almost nobody agrees with you on
PayPal founder Peter Thiel says this is the ideal question for job interviews, but it's also a great question for hanging out with your buddies in a bar. While playing this game over the holidays we learned: Mentors leave you worse off, teamwork doesn’t work, 95% of education is a complete waste of time, America is racist toward white people, our idea of domestic abuse is deeply flawed, and no food is bad food if you simply burn more than you take in.
What do you know to be true that everyone else thinks is false?
This is apparently said by Peter Thiel at job interviews.
Peter Thiel's the guy who started PayPal and now is one of the fourth most influential people in the world according to Forbes.
He's worth something like 2.6 billion.
Runs a bunch of foundations.
Isn't he the guy who sued the pants off of Gawker?
Helped Hulk Hogan win that case?
I don't know.
All seems petty to me.
Maybe he's gay and he was mad about being outed.
I can't remember.
Now I sound like I'm crapping on him.
But I think it's a brilliant question.
And it's sort of like saying, are you at least remotely red-pilled?
And it also protects you from guys who are too red-pilled.
Now, when I first heard this question, it was from my brother, and I said, oh, I would just say the wage gap.
That's a nice easy one, politically correct.
And he goes, what are you talking about?
Couldn't be less politically correct.
You'd be, you'd lose your job instantly.
No, they don't want that.
Oh, all right.
You know, I'm in my home studio and there was a Christmas break.
And I'm noticing kids must have been up here because there's weird stuff like a thing of ginger ale, caffeine free, that's what kids drink.
Missing clip, my set seems to be misaligned.
Goddamn kids!
Get off my lawn, stay out of my studio!
Sorry.
And yeah, he says, no, no, you could never say that.
Are you crazy?
That seems really uncontroversial to me.
I mean, look it up.
Women don't earn less than men for the same work.
In fact, that's illegal in America.
Now, they actually take home less money overall.
That's because they choose to work less.
They choose they're less ambitious.
They want to be with the kids more.
When they're young and single, they make more than men.
Probably because they're in fashion.
So, you know, he said, no, you can't say that.
And so we sort of been talking about this question all week over the whole holidays to my whole family.
And it's a good gauge of how red-pilled you are.
And I think you can be too red-pilled.
Like this dude.
Have you seen Paul Nealon?
Go off on Twitter?
I discovered him a couple weeks ago.
He wants to unseat Paul Ryan.
And he seemed like an interesting guy.
Unlike Paul Ryan, I pledged to uphold my oath of office, make no laws that don't apply to Congress or admin officials, build a wall to deport illegals, vote for national reciprocity, vote the Muslim Brotherhood a terror organization, vote for the heartbeat bill, whatever that is.
Seemed pretty good.
And he would call out liberals in a really raunchy way, like telling him he's going to kick him in the nuts and stuff.
And I thought, this guy sounds cool.
But then over the past week, he started to get kind of weird.
And he was talking about the Jews and the Goyimno on these sort of like super far-right, alt-right memes.
And then he brings up Kevin MacDonald's book, Culture of Critique, which is sort of like the elders of Zion, It's considered the go-to book for any discussion of anti-Semitism.
I mean, I think a lot of Jewish people read it to sort of get the argument of what the Nazis are saying.
Modern Nazis, I mean.
It's probably the most anti-Semitic modern book there is.
And, uh, I think it even blames, oh yeah, Jake Tapper, uh, tweeted Paul Nealon and said, a book blaming Jews for anti-Semitism written by the neo-Nazi movement's Fave Academic.
So he went off the deep end, and Michael Malice actually is writing a book about the alt-right that I'm in, and, uh, he separates the alt-light and the alt-right, and, uh, he says, and I'm paraphrasing here, but he says, the problem with those guys on the far, far right is they, they didn't have one red pill, they the problem with those guys on the far, far right is they, they didn't Now, those of us who don't want to OD, take one red pill,
And, uh, I think that Peter Thiel question is a fun way to gauge where you're at.
Now, apparently I'm too far with the wage gap.
And, uh, my brother had an interesting one, and he said, mentors are bullshit.
So over the course of this podcast, I'm gonna talk about some epiphanies I had, um, over the holidays.
This is gonna be sort of a hodgepodge podcast.
But, um, the big- I'm gonna- I better cut- write this down before I run out of batteries.
But the biggies are, Mentors are bad for you.
Mentors are bad for you.
We are living in very racist times.
Education is bullshit.
Domestic abuse.
I'm going to be careful when I talk about that.
But there's something not right about this whole concept of the woman with the big sunglasses saying her husband beat her.
Good food and bad food is a myth.
And teamwork is a myth.
So, the first one is my brother's answer to the Peter Thiel thing.
This isn't my fictional brother, by the way.
It's my actual brother.
He's a 34-year-old Canadian.
He works in tech, app development, that kind of stuff.
Smart guy.
Mild-mannered guy.
Very quiet.
Funny.
Very mellow.
He's kind of like how you'd think you'll be when you're 57.
He acts like a 57-year-old.
But he parties.
Anyway.
Now, we're not talking about big brother mentors, but I wouldn't be surprised if the data on those showed that they're not really beneficial.
You know, you need a father figure 24 hours a day.
And I had a fight with this woman on my old show, The Gavin McInnes Show, and she called her book, The Pie Life, a little play on the life of pie.
And she was basically saying, you know, you have a slice.
You have a slice of motherhood, a slice of working.
You can have it all.
You can have your pie and eat it too.
And we argued for two hours, and we came down to a fundamental point of disagreement that we couldn't get past.
And her contention is that, you know, maybe you don't see your kid all week, Monday to Thursday, but you have a really solid Saturday where you take her to dance, and you dance with her, and it's just so thorough.
And that one day of quality is just as valuable as all those other days.
And I said, no, no, no.
Being a crappy parent who's always there.
And when I say crappy, I mean, you don't build her a dollhouse.
I don't mean you beat her.
But just being an okay parent that's around is way better.
You know why?
Because when you're a parent, you're sort of like a security guard.
And you're there in case there's a problem.
It's like being a fireman.
You can't say, I worked at the firehouse one day a year, but that day I cleaned the fire engines, I do such an incredible job.
Yeah, that's great and everything, but I need you there in case there's a fire.
I need you there Monday at 4 p.m.
when she starts bawling her eyes out because some guy dumped her or something.
Or when they have some weird question.
Even the other day, my daughter was saying, what's the Illuminati?
I know, I let her on the internet too much.
Can Beyonce have someone killed?
Now, you're not going to get that question on Saturday at dance, but you get these questions.
And you know, I told her Beyonce is not going to get anyone killed.
Hillary Clinton is, obviously.
God.
And, uh, sorry, I'm drinking a beer here that is so cold that I feel sorry for it.
Like, I'm worried about it.
I left my Budweiser's on my front, sort of, uh, sunroom area, because I'm such a drunk that they just fill up the whole fridge.
When they came in with this cold snap we've had, and I was touching the can, and the can is acting strangely.
Like, when you make a dent in it, it takes a long time for the dent to pop back out, because it's traumatized from the cold.
So I put a little paper towel around it, like an emergency blanket.
I swear to God, I did feel some empathy.
One time I was at SNL watching it live, and they have these billboards during the commercials, and a billboard for Bud Light appeared, and I felt a tingle in my swimsuit area.
Like a sexual feeling.
Anyway.
So, uh... It's about being there.
It's about... You're there for the emergencies.
You're there for the questions.
You know, you don't necessarily need to interrogate kids all the time.
How was school?
What's going on?
But when they have something important, you gotta be there.
And that could be stubbing their toe, by the way.
So anyway, I'm guessing that the big brother thing, where some guy from the neighborhood shows up and plays catch with you once a week, I'm guessing that doesn't even help.
It could make things worse.
It could make the kid go, man, it really sucks not having a dad.
That was fun.
Now I'm more depressed.
And then that guy goes, yeah, I'm bored of this.
And he moves or something.
Sorry, dude.
I don't want to do this anymore.
That must be crushing.
So you just keep losing these dads.
But when my brother brought up the mentors, he wasn't talking about that.
He was talking about a different program where it's not exactly Big Brother.
It's Big Deal Mentors come in.
And it'll be like Peter Thiel, for example, will work with some troubled youth.
And these kids end up worse off.
They end up worse off because role models are BS.
The whole concept, and by the way, this Pi Life woman, she, uh, I'll look her up.
I mean, you're never going to read this book.
It's all about how feminism rocks.
And if you're listening to this podcast, you're the last person would do that.
Pi Life book.
Um, uh, here she is.
Her name is, she's pretty hot too.
Samantha Etis.
So, this is big.
This is huge.
And this goes to a lot of different things, like role models, or as Samantha Etis puts it, you gotta see it to be it!
Women need to see.
They need to see women kicking ass on TV.
They need to see women in action movies to know they can kick ass too.
We need to have a deaf, blind, female race car driver so deaf, blind Helen Kellers can know they can be Kitty O'Neil's.
We need to have these role models.
You know, Ben Carson had no idea he could be a brain surgeon until he watched a soap opera and saw a black brain surgeon.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Like, has there ever been any scientific testing on this whole concept of role models?
You don't need a role model, you need a dad.
You don't need a big brother, you need a dad.
And you don't need a mentor, you need a dad.
Now, these guys would be incredibly successful.
Freaks.
Someone with Peter Thiel's talent, or someone with, like, Bill Gates' whatever talent, Warren Buffett, those guys are freaks.
They're like albinos with a third nipple.
You're not gonna be that guy.
They don't have secrets.
I remember I went to this conference Red Bull made me go to because I was in advertising and we were trying to seduce them as clients, get them as clients, and people don't understand how many dead ends there are as an entrepreneur, how many clients.
I wooed Red Bull for a year and a half, drank myself silly entertaining them, and no, we're not doing it.
Sorry, we're not interested in comedy.
Okay.
Bye, year of my life.
But part of the courtship was going to this thing, Hacking Creativity, done by this South African photographer who was on 60 Minutes once.
I'm not going to look him up.
He did a bunch of boring black and white pictures of Ray Charles.
And they were just spending Red Bull's money to the tune of millions, getting these scientists to do studies.
They never said, Is this even a thing that's possible?
It was all about, there hasn't been enough research into hacking creativity.
We have to figure out how to be creative.
No, you're born creative, you're born funny.
All you can do as a society and as a parent is say, hey kid, Like me this weekend, this past few days with my kids.
Hey, Duncan, here's a snowboard, here's some skis.
What do you think is going to be your proclivity?
Gave the girl lessons with the skis.
She doesn't seem into it.
Gave the youngest one the skis.
He couldn't believe how much he loves it.
He's cried when it was time to go.
He almost got frostbite.
He loves it so much.
He's a skier for life, that kid.
The daughter will try again with some lessons, but I'm not going to force it on her.
And that's the way it works.
She doesn't have to see a skier named Sophie and go, I can do it too because I saw it on my TV.
And my TV is the only thing that provides imagination for me.
B.S.
Go talk to people.
Bill Gates, why did you start, why did you rip off everyone and make all computers have the same crappy operating system?
I saw a guy on TV who did it and I thought, I want to be like that guy.
I wouldn't be surprised if half the time you look this up, when they say that, they sort of go, well, I don't know.
Retroactively, I figured out some people who inspired me, but I realized they were just people who shared my genetic traits, and they happened to be... Like, I bet Ben Carson does have some brain surgeons.
I bet they're not black, and I bet he sort of was inspired by them because they were good teachers when he was in medical school or something.
It's not like they get him out of bed in the morning.
But more importantly, with these super mentors, these kids, they think, oh, OK, I can be P. Diddy and make $130 million a year.
And then it doesn't happen.
And then they're pissed off.
They're mad at the world.
And now there's some resentment there.
And there's a lack of culpability, right?
There's a lack of understanding that you're not making that money because you're not special.
Sorry, that guy's a freak.
And so they get pissed off, and we see this with blacks with affirmative action when they're put into Ivy League schools that they're not qualified to be in.
What are you saying, blacks can't go to Harvard?
No, dude.
I'm saying when their scores have been bumped up, and if you were blind and didn't see the name, you wouldn't have let him in.
If his race is getting him in, that's what I meant by affirmative action.
What happens with these kids is they tend to drop out.
And they don't drop out and go to a community college, where they would have been more suited.
They just drop out of college entirely.
And I think this is happening with the entire educational system.
Everyone's thinking they have to be educated, and so they go to these colleges, and they say, uh, what should I take?
Well, you're an idiot, so why don't you take Mass Comm?
And, uh, the history of philosophy and science in, uh, German film.
So they go, okay, as long as I get a B. And then they come out there, they have less, they're dumber than when they went in, they have less skills.
So it's all about playing God and being communist and forcing, you know, this big plan of equality and other people and thinking, oh, I'm Warren Buffett, I'm not special.
Yeah, but Kevin, how does this guy know he could be a Warren Buffett unless he talks to Warren Buffett?
I don't know, you'll figure it out.
If you have a family, if you have a mom and a dad, you have an okay school, You'll figure it out.
And apparently there was a woman who did this research on mentors and she had discovered that yes, mentors do leave children worse off.
They leave the mentees worse off.
And I think she died before she could complete her research, but there's just so much money in these stupid foundations.
I remember at Rooster, my ad agency, we almost got some guilty white billionaire who wanted to spend a bunch of money mentoring youth.
And start a foundation to mentor them.
No.
So, number one of the thing that you know to be true that everyone else thinks is a fact, mentors don't work.
In fact, the whole concept is bad for you.
Now, I would include in that teamwork.
I think teamwork is malarkey.
You know, I saw this video for this app where these women can learn to be more assertive at meetings.
Excuse me.
Got a bit of a cold from skiing in zero degrees.
Where it wasn't cold, it was physically painful.
Like the snow machine hits your face and it feels like buckshot.
And she had this app to make sure that she was more vocal during meetings and it had all this software to sort of tell if you were assertive or confident or blah blah blah.
And I felt like jumping into my computer and going, lady, if you like meetings, you don't get business.
Businessmen, entrepreneurs, real people who belong in the workforce, they hate meetings because they're a waste of time.
And you're constantly sitting in a meeting, not going, how can I make sure I say something relevant?
Or how can I be more aggressive?
You're thinking, I'm going to stand up and say, why couldn't this just have been emailed to everyone?
Why do we have to get together?
Individualism is what gets the work done.
Individuals going off at a tangent is what it's all about.
And this whole idea that everyone has to pitch in.
That, so that's, I did a TED talk about this too actually.
My joke didn't go down very well.
It was maybe too subtle.
I did a joke at a Sharia talk where I started it out.
It was a march against Sharia and I did a big talk about how we need Sharia because women can't drive and you see them naked on the street.
Not naked but scantily clad and you get too horny in New York.
They should be wearing garbage bags.
And I also said, wouldn't it be awesome if you got to force your wife to have sex with you whenever you want?
Wouldn't that be great?
So I love Sheree, and no one was laughing.
So I had to say, just kidding.
And basically at these big rallies, you have to talk like Hitler, I'm afraid.
You have to talk in threes, like... So I changed it to just like, we're here because we love America!
Freest place on earth, and if you don't like it, get lost!
Like, there's no room for nuance at a rally.
And at the TED Talk, I came out pretending that I thought it was about Ted the Bear, the movie, with Mark Wahlberg, Narkey Mark.
And then I had someone come out and whisper in my ear, no, it's about teamwork.
It's just at a TED Talk.
And no one got it.
But my talk, I just listed scientist after scientist who had a crazy idea like, hmm, maybe stomach ulcers are a form of bacteria that can just survive in stomach acid.
And you just take antibiotics and you don't have to go in there stitching up holes.
And it turns out that guy was right.
He cured stomach ulcers forever.
Thanks, crazy weirdo not using teamwork.
But are you seeing a common pattern here?
There's all this, like, we're all born the same.
No, we're all born with the same rights.
There's such a thing as a person with Down syndrome.
There's such a thing as a smart person and a dumb person.
There's such a thing as genetics.
So we're all born with the same rights, all same opportunities, but we're not all the same people.
And that's a communist left-wing myth, and it leads to things like mentors, it leads to things like teamwork.
And, number three, I think it ruined education.
Now, I talked a second ago about how it ruined post-secondary education in colleges, and that's all a stupid myth now.
If my wife wants our kids to go to liberal arts, I will fist fight her in a ring.
I will get on MMA gloves and I'll fight to the death.
That actually alludes to another one I want to talk about later.
No.
I don't like fighting with my wife.
I usually just say my piece.
November was very rocky for us, and she was voting Hillary, and she didn't understand why she had to vote Trump, and we had to vote together.
And I said, if a family's moving together, it's a decision that they all sit around the living room and work out together.
And they say, yep, I got a better job in Arizona.
We can adapt.
It's super hot there, but whatever.
Good gun laws.
Let's go.
I said, this is the same.
It's what our household vote will be.
And she thought it was more like Sharia where I say, you vote for me, woman.
I said, no, no, no.
What I'm saying is allow me to do like an hour presentation.
You know, where I show you like Dinesh D'Souza's movie about Hillary's America or something and let you know who you're voting for.
She's like, I'm not going to let you sit there and brainwash me.
So eventually I let it go.
But the college fight, I will- that's not one I'm gonna let go.
There's no way my kids are gonna- they can take STEM if they have a predisposition for something, if they're really determined.
But I'm not gonna do this thing that I did, my brother did, everyone I know did, where they just sort of go to a college and then look at a thing, go, I don't know, maybe that?
Let's do speech pathology.
No way!
You'd be way better off as an intern.
Way better off doing hard labor.
You know?
I know one of the most successful people in biotech is a relative of mine, and his brother's a heart surgeon, and they both worked at a tool and dye shop.
And you know what the tool and dye shop taught them?
This sucks.
I am going to study my balls off.
I never want to come back here.
I don't want to take over the family business.
This blows.
That's a role model for you, by the way.
You know, I remember when I started Vice, co-founded it, and just to be clear here, Soroush Alvi started it, he hired me, I hired Shane.
I'd be sitting there working all night in our rundown Montreal loft, and I'd think, at least I don't got any bugs biting me, and at least I'm not sleeping in a tent in the snow.
This is climate-controlled, this room, I'll stay up all night, no problem.
Very important to Very important to suffer attrition.
No, that's not the word, attrition.
What's the word?
Attrition, acrimony, adversity, a word like that.
Austerity, there it is.
Thanks, old brain.
Austerity is what breeds success, not pampering.
And I see these kids, these millennials with their phones and saying like so often that it gives me golf ball eyes.
I stare at them like a cartoon.
I sometimes can't resist and I go over and I go, do you have any clue How many times you just said, like, in a sentence?
Are you even remotely aware?
It was a lot.
One kid, one 17-year-old, asked me to step outside.
I said, I appreciate it, because I was just calling him a girl.
I said, you sound like a babysitter.
He goes, you want to go outside, old man?
And I said, I appreciate your gumption.
Now that's more like it, young man.
Imagine, that's a lose-lose, fighting a teen in your own neighborhood.
You knock him out.
Yeah, you know Johnny's dad?
He knocked out some kid in town.
Or you get beat up by a child.
That's pretty much as bad.
It's sort of like lesbians.
Like I remember this lesbian was mad at me and she had this look in her eyes.
This was a long time ago.
We were at a party.
We were friends.
Alright, Amy Kellner is her name.
And she was mad I had said something to Ryan McGinley, and she had this look, like her eyes were, again, golf ball eyes, and she was sort of going pink, and I got petrified, because I thought, what the hell do I do now?
What if she starts punching me?
I mean, I could probably wrestle her to the ground, but if I get on her and punch her in the face, that's terrible!
And then, if she beat me up, I'd have to move!
I mean, that's the end of your life, right?
You'd have to get Scott Peterson on it and dye your goatee blonde and go to Mexico.
And I realized, actually, recently, I am scared.
You know how they say Islamophobic, homophobic and stuff?
I am scared.
And it's a tactic the left use all the time.
They go, you know what?
They're scared of progress.
They're scared of us.
They're scared of empowered women.
And I used to go, God, if you knew how unscared of you I am.
But then I realized recently, Actually, I am scared of you.
I'm literally scared in the most basic sense of the word.
I was taking my boy to this thing.
It's a little art room.
It's very popular in the burbs now.
And what you do is you go there, you buy a canvas, they give you all the paints, you make a painting and then you just pay them like 20 bucks.
Or they give you pottery, you paint it, make a little thing, make your name on it, and then they put it in a kiln and you get it back like a week later and you've made something and you pay them a fee.
It's like a DIY art store.
So I go there, and my boy's painting a painting of Prince for his mom, because my mom whoops.
My wife is obsessed with Prince.
And he's doing the purple rain and everything.
And I see a woman with a pussy hat there.
And I am, for the record, reaching levels of fame That are the hugest pain in the ass ever.
I'm reaching Sunglasses Baseball Hat level.
I'm not saying this to brag, I don't think it's cool to be famous.
And I'm not famous for doing Gangs of New York, I'm famous for YouTube videos.
So it's not a cool fame.
Not that any kind of fame is remotely good.
Like Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston, they can't go skiing.
They'd have to rent the whole hill.
Justin Theroux can't just go to a bar and have a beer.
He's a prisoner.
Will Smith can't go to a baseball game.
Or Will Ferrell.
They all get... David Cross gets stopped twice a block.
Everywhere he goes.
Hey man, love your work.
I don't care.
The free market told me you love my work.
Fuck off.
I don't say that.
I sit and pose for a selfie as they try to work their phone.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Sorry, here.
What's... Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry.
This... Wait a minute.
Oh, it's set to video.
No, no.
Photo.
You're, like, sitting there with that stupid grin, just waiting for the phone to work.
Anyway, I've reached those levels of fame, and it's a super pain in the ass.
It's not... I shouldn't say it's a super pain in the ass.
It's just annoying.
It's annoying.
It's like... I've said this on the other podcasts.
It's like if you sharpen your nose black.
And you walked into a room and people go, what the?
They'd start staring at you and then you'd see them murmur to each other.
Why does that guy have a sharpie to black nose?
It's like that.
So I know I'm gonna get recognized at this thing.
And I see a woman in a pussy hat, right?
And she's got purple hair.
And that's when I get scared.
Because I think, she's gonna get up and cause a scene.
Call me a Nazi or something.
Maybe knock over that entire shelf of ceramics.
The entire country has gone crazy ex-girlfriend.
They're stalking Donald Trump, filming him through the cameras at the golf course.
They are, have you ever seen Husbands and Wives?
I used to say they were the Judy, what's-her-name character?
No, they're the young mistress, blonde chick, who gets kicked out of the party for talking about astrology, and she says, Jack grabs her, Sidney Pollack grabs her, and he goes, get in the car, you infant!
And she's screaming at the top of her lungs.
That's what half the country's become, so they're like drunk chicks.
Actually, I'm ramping it up.
Alright, so we started with Fake News, then I called it Mentally Ill News, now I called it Crazy Ex-Girlfriend News.
I am officially ramping it up, you're hearing it live here today, to Drunk Crazy Ex-Girlfriend News.
And I'm scared of drunk chicks, because they are firecrackers.
You don't know if they're gonna stand up on the bar and start kicking glasses around the place.
They are just, they are like, they're a ticking time bomb.
You just say, no, I didn't say that, and I didn't tell you not to have another wine.
I just think you might like it better if we were to maybe head home soon.
Oh, so I'm drunk, so I'm a bitch.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not saying that at all.
I think you're a wonderful person.
Oh, so my sister's hotter than me?
I'm a big fat stupid bitch and you wish you fucked my sister?
Okay, okay.
Let's get on a rough track here.
Let's try to get to a good child.
You're beautiful.
Now fuck off.
That's the best case scenario, by the way.
Worst case scenario, she breaks every glass in the joint.
Like that, what's her name, the Countess on Real Housewives of New York.
She gets back to her hotel, she got dumped.
I'm telling you, man, Andy Cohen is Satan.
He ruins lives.
All those reality shows, they all get divorced, they all end up in jail.
It's just little producers, gay producers, getting on these women's shoulders like Rasputin, feeding them wine and going, She called you a bitch.
Why don't you go over there and tell her you're not a bitch?
Why don't you tell her that you deserve some self-respect?
Get in there!
Get in there!
And they're like, You called me a what?!
And it's just a whole season of drunk chicks.
And then they get divorced and now they're crazy drunk ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, maniacs.
So anyway, The Countess is one of these, and she goes home with some 20-year-old, which is just sad, isn't it?
Even, by the way, when I see guys my age going home with a 20-year-old, I go, alrighty, congratulations.
I mean, you didn't screw enough 20-year-olds when you were a 20-year-old?
Move on, grow up!
But anyway...
It's sadder when it's a woman, and she's taking some young pool boy back to her hotel room, and she's so drunk that I think she has the wrong hotel room, but the door's open.
Yeah, that's it, because the maid is there.
And she's like, all right, you can stop cleaning.
You can stop cleaning, senorita.
We're going to get some lavon.
And she's like, actually, this isn't your room.
You have to go.
And she goes, I'm not going anywhere.
I assume there was a lot of swearing.
And they get the manager.
And then they get the cops.
And I think they got someone from the fire department to come by.
So she starts beating them all up, probably because she saw Atomic Blonde.
Probably because you need to see it to be it.
And women need to be in action movies.
And they need to know that they can beat up firemen and cops anytime they want with a good roundhouse kick.
So she starts flailing on them.
As is every man's worst nightmare.
And, uh, she gets arrested.
Crazy ex-girlfriends.
That's what the media has become.
Anyway...
Forget college education when I say education is bullshit.
That's a given.
I have a new, much more revolutionary theory.
Now, the theme of this show is things you know to be a fact that no one else knows is true.
Calling this a fact's a little rich.
It's a theory that's on my chalkboard.
My Glenn Beck chalkboard.
This is in my lab.
This is going on in a petri dish in my lab.
I think it's possible bacteria might be able to survive stomach acid.
I'm not sure.
I'm gonna come back in a couple weeks and see if the bacteria is still alive.
You ready for this?
All school is bullshit.
It's just a giant daycare to get them out of our hair.
They don't learn anything.
They could just do stupid random exercises.
Remember the movie Brazil?
Kind of an arthouse film where they have this one floor that jumbles numbers and they send them down to the floor below them and then those people decipher the numbers, put them back in order, and then the numbers go up to the floor above and just round and around and around, digging holes, filling them in, digging holes, filling them in.
That's school.
When was the last time your nine-year-old went up to you and said, Hey Dad, huh, kind of an interesting discussion at school today.
I mean, it's kind of accepted, right?
That the Civil War was about slavery.
But then our teacher brought up a point that Lincoln said that he would, if he could maintain the union, he would do it without feeding, uh, freeing one slave.
Is that a mindblower or what?
In other words, we could have had a scenario with a unified union and slavery still going.
I mean, it would have been abolished soon, probably naturally.
You know, the free market of ideas, but I just thought that was kind of interesting.
I'm going to make a mobile of it with Lincoln and some freed slaves.
It sort of hangs over...
Not bad.
Remember all those stupid projects you do?
It's about spiders, and I want you to do a drawing of a spider, and make a spider out of clay, and then make a spider mobile, and then write spider on a big piece of foam core, and have that up, and it'll be like, all about the spider!
What?
I mean, did we retain any of that?
Well, what are you suggesting, Gav?
I don't know.
Look, you know what would be more effective?
A giant field where they could just frolic all day.
Surrounded by a giant fence so they can't get out and get hit by a car.
And you just play.
That's it.
You play from zero to... 13?
13 we do your O-levels, as they used to do in the UK in the 60s, and we see who should really pursue education, STEM and other important stuff.
You know what the percentage will be?
5%.
95% will be better off never being educated ever.
They will get trades, they will build homes, they will be pillars of the community, and then we'll have all these highly educated people who are smart people and they will do smart stuff.
Okay, Gav, but what if someone is, like some kid, is just obsessed with cars from the age of five on?
All right.
On the perimeter of the frolic fence, we have some experts.
And if this kid is obsessed with sharks, come here, Joey.
And he leaves the frolic center and we get him alone and he can just go bananas on sharks, watch shark docks.
Talk to sharkologists.
We'll bring these guys in.
He can learn all about marine biology.
Then he can probably, at 13, he's probably better off interning at some orca center.
Working with, with, I forget what they're called, oceanologists?
What do you call these guys?
Working with those dudes.
Now you just find, you just found one of your five percenters early.
All right, but what about someone who shows no interest at all at O-levels and doesn't want anything?
I think they should go to work!
I think they should be waitresses.
Your waitress can be 13.
The guy mowing your lawn, we don't need illegal aliens doing this.
And people always say in California, they go, a world without Mexicans?
Oh my God.
California was shut down in a day.
I can't imagine a world without illegals.
I can, it's called Canada.
And you know who cleans your pool in Canada?
Me, when I was 14.
You know who mows your lawn in Canada?
Me, when I was 13.
You know who delivers the papers?
The paper boy.
The archetypal paper boy.
With the little red baseball hat.
Throwing them on the porch and getting mad.
Getting the owner of the house mad because it bonked off one of the plants.
So much of school is a total bullshit lie.
College campuses, obviously they're long gone.
But I'm going back now to zero.
No, my youngest, Johnny, he loves his pre-K thing, and they do paint and stuff, and they joke around.
That should be it.
Teach them to read, but they don't care about history.
They're not being taught the real history.
And as far as the basics of society go, and what is the Constitution, and who was George Washington, we can really catch up on that in a year.
We could take a 14-year-old and just really... You ready for an intense year?
Here we go, 10 hours a day of the Constitution.
Imagine how refined they would be if we did it that way.
But these lazy teachers with their bloated unions who are unfireable, they basically have to have sex with the students to get fired.
These lazy bastards.
I look back at my education, remember the VCR being rolled into the room?
How often did that happen?
Now I'm, it's obviously the DVD player or they just go to Netflix, but we would watch things like Ghostbusters or anything remotely historical like Mel Gibson with that, or was it John Adams movie?
The Patriot.
And the teacher would just sit on his ass and do crossword puzzles for the hour and a half the movie played.
Or the biggest racket in school is this stupid public speaking.
It's very important that kids know how to do public speaking.
Very crucial.
And I'm thinking, why?
I mean, every business I've been at, there's the head sales guy, the mover and shaker guy at Rebel, it's Ezra Levant, and he's the guy who can sum up the company and tantalize investors and pitch ideas.
No one else needs that skill.
You just need the one rep, and he should be high up in the company.
No one wants to talk to an intern.
So this one articulate rep, every company has one or two.
Not everyone has to do that.
It's again, it's a rare skill to be able to walk in the room and go, all right, it's called PayPal.
And what you do is you pay money on your computer.
No financial transaction, no money is touched hands.
It's all digital, all binary.
I'll get a little piece and become a billionaire, but you're still way better off.
Does everyone at PayPal have to explain that to you?
No, they don't.
But we would do this thing, I'm sure you did it too, and my kids still do it now, where you do a presentation.
The history of tarantulas, or the most dangerous tarantulas in the world.
Tarantulas are much more common in the Caribbean and blah blah blah, where it's more suitable for their environment.
It's too cold up here.
And you get up and you do that stupid presentation about Leonardo da Vinci, how he invented the helicopter before anyone, and here's a drawing he did, looks just like a helicopter, and he also painted the Mona Lisa.
Wow, I couldn't learn that in one second on Wikipedia.
And you present that to the class while the lazy fat-ass teacher who gets paid $60 an hour.
No, they don't.
They only make $40,000 a year.
Yeah, that's how little they work, dude.
They get off four months a year.
No, they're working on their lessons for the next day.
They work late.
Every year they have to redo their whole lesson plan.
That's a load of crap.
So, they're working so little that $60 an hour becomes $45,000.
And you've got to read The Worm and the Apple by Peter Brimel.
That's on my book show that came out before Christmas.
And so we do these presentations, remember?
You'd all do one, and it would be 20 minutes or whatever.
And then, as if we couldn't get any lazier, the students would grade the other students.
So I'd be sitting there reading Brian's talk about the history of glass and the Venetians and how Italy played such a crucial point part of the history of glass.
I'll give you a B- Brian because we're pals and you did a terrible job.
And that's important too because we're learning how to grade.
That is a lie.
I'm gonna wager 95% of education from top to bottom is total and utter BS.
Ben Carson would have been a brain surgeon in my crazy utopia where kids just frolic all day.
Now, the reason I call this a theory of fact is I actually know someone like this.
I know of him.
I go to this anarchist punk farm commune called Dial House every year and hang out with white-haired punks like me and they're all, none of them are right-wing, I'm the only one.
But they're all pretty rational people and the great thing about these old anarchist hippie punks is they want to discuss it.
Why do you want to kill Mugabe?
I didn't say I want to kill him.
I said, I can't believe he's alive.
Well, don't you understand that the American government is propping him up?
I mean, he's just a puppet.
What?
Why?
What's in it for them?
Well, diamonds.
I mean, the resources.
What?
What, do they need a route to get the diamonds out?
Isn't Zimbabwe touching the water?
Show up in a boat.
Get all you want.
Mugabe's desperate to sell them.
It's easier just to buy stuff.
You don't need to prop up despots, at least not in Rhodesia.
Anyway, that's a typical conversation.
And I know of this kid who grew up there on that farm, on that Atlanticus commune, and his name was Nemo, I believe.
And he went to a frolic institution, where they just say, whatever you want.
You can sit on your ass all day.
Here's some books.
Here's some notebooks.
Here's a guitar.
Do what you want.
And he took up guitar and became a master guitar player.
But I don't think he's that happy, and I don't think it really panned out that great.
Now, I'm not sure, but this isn't an example, and again, it's very anecdotal, but this is an example of some guy becoming Jimi Hendrix because he was given the opportunity and everyone else thriving.
But I, again, I don't know much about that school, so I shouldn't say that it's an example that's contradicting my thesis here, because I don't know enough about that school.
But I am prepared to discover that this frolic theory is retarded.
And I'm dumb.
Conceivable.
Conceivable.
But I feel kind of red-pilled about it.
And I, in fact, I woke up my wife one night and I said, "I just had an epiphany." She doesn't like hearing that.
And I said, "School is bullshit." It's all a lie.
Going to class with your books, your lunchbox, recess, it's all a giant daycare.
The kids are not getting educated, they're not getting smarter, they're not necessarily benefiting.
Sports is probably way better for a kid.
You're probably learning about competition and you're learning how to lose, which is the most important lesson an entrepreneur has to take.
The best way to become an entrepreneur is to be able to take it on the chin and say, out of my past 11 businesses, 11 have failed, but I'm feeling good about this one.
Getting back on the horse is how you make money in America.
My son, when we were skiing, he was getting bored of snowboarding, and I switched back to skiing.
I was a skier as a kid, then I went to snowboarding in the 90s because it was cool, and then 47 on a snowboard is not a good look.
Especially because I haven't really been skiing that much.
I would go like at Sundance or something.
Everyone wears a helmet now.
When I was a kid, a helmet was for a handicapped person.
If you had a helmet on, people felt sorry for you.
And I would say 90% of the people on hills wear helmets.
Kids, moms, dads, their goggles on their helmet.
What, are you going to bonk your noggin?
What are you, Sonny Bono's great-grandson?
Are you traumatized?
Did you know Liam Neeson's wife?
There's been like two accidents.
What are you going to do, hit a tree with your head?
Or are you Wile E. Coyote chasing a roadrunner?
Chill out, dude.
The hills are not rampant with head injuries.
I skied.
In Canada, you ski every weekend.
It's not an upper-middle-class thing.
There's blue-collar kids.
You just wear jeans.
You'd have used skis.
Sometimes you'd just sneak on the hill with a fake pass.
We played Chinese downhill and we just rammed into each other on the hill, pushed each other off.
It was fun.
It was violent as hell.
It's a hoser sport.
It's sort of like, you know, you see Caddyshack and you see that golf also had a blue-collar tinge to it.
Anyway, not one helmet for a million miles, and not one head injury for a million miles.
I even hate seeing people on bicycles with their helmet on.
I might bonk my noggin!
Ew, aren't you a dad?
I know, but I could fall forward and I'd bonk my head.
What are you, Ned Flanders?
You need a helmet for your noggily-doggily?
God damn it, it's downright embarrassing.
I feel sorry for them.
Again, I feel red-pilled.
I feel like crying.
You've been duped by the stupid helmet industry.
It's like water.
I might get dehydrated.
I better bring a three litre bottle of water in my giant fucking purse.
Yes, you should.
Because we are all familiar with the number of women who have died of dehydration walking down the streets of New York.
Oh yeah, that's zero.
Well, we're all familiar with the brutal head injuries on ski slopes.
Yeah, that's two.
Well, we're all familiar with the terrible head injuries cyclists get.
Eh, three?
Four?
Not really a thing.
Anyway, I was saying to my boy, he goes, OK, you switch to skis.
I want to switch to skis.
I don't like the snowboarding thing.
And I said to him, hey, look at me.
We're McInnes's.
McInnes's don't quit.
We get fired.
I think I'm going to make a t-shirt of that.
It's definitely going to be a tweet.
You can take that to the bank.
So yeah, that was a big epiphany I had.
One, two, three, education.
Now, number four, we are living in incredibly racist times.
That is another epiphany I had.
What?
I thought, Gavin, you said that racism doesn't exist.
This Jim Gaffigan second person character I do is getting a little tedious, isn't it?
Sorry.
It's a conversational crutch I use in my presentations.
But I have said that racism doesn't exist.
And I was talking about racism towards blacks.
I was saying racism towards visible minorities is probably 1% of the population are bonafide bigots.
And I was talking about white people.
1% of white people are bonafide bigots.
But, as I said to John Williams on his show, they don't spray paint stuff on buildings, they don't burn churches.
They go, screw you, racial epithet!
And then whip a beer out the window.
They're not a floral people.
They're very blunt.
Because they're dumb.
But then I'm watching this, I went to see Jumanji, which by the way, Rules!
What an amazing movie to take your kids to.
It is so good.
There's no SJW stuff.
Yes, the girl can kick ass and do triple backflips.
She's a fictional video game character.
They're in a magical weirdo land.
Where a hippo will eat you and you don't die.
You just come out of the sky again and you lost one of your lives.
It's a magical fairyland.
So I don't mind seeing women kick ass when they concede that it's weird.
In fact, the woman kicking the ass is freaked out that she can kick ass.
And Jack Black plays a vapid, hot, blonde chick who's obsessed with her phone.
Who, like, literally can't even with this place.
It even kind of makes fun of this cuck Indian dude who's always following around this black guy because he wants to be cool.
And then the roles are reversed and he realizes what a loser he's been.
And the black guy realizes that he had an ego problem and he was treating his friends like crap.
And that's me enforcing politics on it because you asked.
But none of that is even remotely in your face.
I'm just saying if you were to force a litmus test on it, you would come out pink.
Good to go.
I'm watching that.
I should maybe talk about some of the movies I've watched on this Christmas vacation.
Okay, I will take a minor tangent here to do some movie reviews.
Shockingly dull films!
And it kind of goes back to my education thing.
And jobs, and mentors, and affirmative action, and teamwork, and all this crap.
And the lack of jobs.
I have a theory.
Again, this is just on the chalkboard.
That we are denying young people the right to work by having illegal aliens do their jobs.
They're losing their economic libido, but they're losing their substance.
And you're supposed to write about what you know, and I think a lot of these writers, they haven't had enough life experience to convey a story.
And I'm watching Blade Runner, and Ryan Gosling's job is to go shoot expired replicants, humanoid cyborgs, and he's bored out of his mind.
And you're watching it going, yeah, I know cops.
They loved their days human hunting.
Most retired cops you talk to who worked the worst shifts in the Lower East Side in the housing projects, they go, yeah, I kind of miss it, actually.
I mean, it was kind of scary, but it was really, really intense and thrilling.
And I miss human hunting.
So I'm watching it thinking, this writer doesn't know life.
He's not conveying a story because he hasn't lived enough.
So that movie was turned off.
Unfathomably dull.
And the other problem, of course, with movies is social justice warrior crap.
They have to inject that in and make Atomic Blonde, Charlie's Throne is beating up ten guys.
And I'm even seeing this in the Post.
So the Post was about the Pentagon Papers.
It's so dull.
Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks are like aristocrats.
I didn't make it through the whole movie, by the way, so maybe... I heard David Cross and Bob Odenkirk are great in it.
I'm sure they are.
But she's acting like this aristocrat, all this pomp and circumstance, because look at the newspapers.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the New York Times break the Pentagon Papers story?
Why is the Post the central focus of this movie?
Washington Post.
A newsroom is just people screaming at each other.
I've worked in newsrooms.
It's mania.
And it's just people, it's like everyone there just did a line.
They don't flounce around.
Hello darling, I'm so sorry.
So I've been going over these documents all night and I feel that it's time that we spoke to Nixon's daughter about going to her wedding.
No, m'lord?
No, m'lord.
So it is so boring, it's physically painful.
They make it all about Nixon and trying to hide the Pentagon Papers.
Again, the Pentagon Papers were secret documents that said that the government was botching Vietnam.
They didn't want anyone to see it.
Nixon didn't start that war.
He ended it.
And he didn't want those papers out because it was bad for America.
It was actually good for his rep, for those papers.
So it's social justice warrior crap.
It's like in The Crown where they have JFK having temper tantrums because Jackie O is too popular.
That's not true.
You're lying.
So I had to turn that off.
That was dull.
Then there's The Lost City of Z, which is an amazing book I featured in my, uh, on my book episode.
They managed to ruin that.
I'm just walking around the jungle with two British guys.
Just going, what are you guys doing here?
Get out of there.
That was brutally dull.
But, um...
Then, I get free movies because of the SAG, I'm in the Writer's Guild for my TV writing days, and so I have a big pile of Hollywood movies, and they're just, me and my brother are like, nope, nope, nope, just throwing boring movies in a pile, or leaving if someone else is watching and enjoying them.
But, uh, the disaster artist is so good, I didn't want it to end.
It's James Franco doing... You know, by the way, The Room is this terrible movie done by this Polish mental case, who I think got a bunch of money in the car accident and was just rich, and his head is broken, and he made the worst movie ever made called The Room.
So this is a movie that includes sort of a remake of The Room within it, but it's about the making of The Room and how they got there and this Tommy Wiseau character and how weird he is.
And James Franco plays him better than Tommy Wiseau does.
He's better at Tommy Wiseau than Tommy Wiseau.
So that's two great movies.
Jumanji and The Disaster Artist.
Okay, I'm down to my tangent.
I'm ready to come back to Earth.
So I'm sitting in the theater and I'm in a black neighborhood watching it and uh...
It's a very different experience.
They are very vocal people.
Lots of comments, lots of two cents going on.
They are not the most punctual group, generally.
So the theater's pretty much empty if you're there on time and then it slowly fills up.
A lot of condiments, a lot of nacho plates and really getting settled in.
Sitting down takes a, it's like sort of setting up a campsite.
There's a lot of sort of getting acclimated.
I'm not saying any of this is good or bad.
Just noticing a slight cultural pattern here in New York City.
And I can also sort of smell the vibe.
And there's sort of disdain and, oh, that looks good.
I saw the movie Slither in Harlem once.
And this woman next to me goes, this movie's corny.
This ain't scary.
It's like a comedy horror movie.
She yells that out in the middle of the film.
Shhh.
Went next to her was this little kid.
And he goes, "What you eating?" And she goes, "Jujubees." He goes, "Oh, I like those." And she goes, "No, you don't." And keeps eating them.
Another time, this Puerto Rican kid is kicking my chair.
I think this was at M&M, 8 Mile.
And I turn around and go, "Are you out of your mind?" And then I look at his mother and she's just eating popcorn and not even looking at me.
And her attitude was just, you don't have a problem with me, you have a problem with him.
Like, you handle it with him.
That's not my, not my affairs.
Take it up with a eight-year-old who's kicking your chair.
So I had to yell at him while she just didn't even flinch, not, didn't look at us, didn't acknowledge us.
And I know it was his mom because there was empty seats around.
Anyway, so we're watching these trailers, and there's a trailer out for the Wallace and Gromit dudes, who did a movie, uh, called Bronze Age, I think, or something?
Cavemen?
And it's about when we went from the Stone Age to the Bronze Age.
When I say we, what did I mean there?
Did I mean white people?
No, I meant civilization.
This is why I'm so mad about these Confederate statues being taken down.
As one of the guys I interviewed about it in New Orleans said, he said, yes, there are terrible things about that man.
This is a path we all took together, and we're all here together now.
You get me?
You know, this notion that you have your history, and I have my history, and we have Black History Month, that is self-segregation.
We're all the same team.
We're all from Africa.
Doom, doom, doom, de-doom, doom, doom.
We all left Africa.
Some guys went so far north, they were going snow blind unless they had squinty eyes.
They became Chinese.
Then they crossed the Bering Strait, they became Native Americans.
Some guys weren't getting enough sun, so their skin got lighter and lighter and lighter, so they get maximum vitamin D. Their hair became blonde to get more light on them.
We changed.
We morphed.
We're all the same team.
And to say otherwise is the dictionary definition of racist.
So I'm watching this thing, this Bronze Age, and the trailer.
It looks really good, by the way.
And when I say really good for a kid's movie, I don't mean you go there as an adult, you fool.
Don't go to Spider-Man with a 20-year-old, you millennials.
Goddammit, I went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and I sat down in front of a guy and he went, And I said, is there a problem here?
And he goes, what?
Of all the places, sit.
And then this theater was almost empty.
You have to sit right near me.
And I go, I'm sorry if my children ruined your children's movie.
It's cloudy with a chance of meatballs!
Or when I went to see Tin Tin.
You know, the Hergé cartoonist guy?
The little dog?
We walk in, me and coincidentally like four other families were all coming at the same time, and they all had like three kids, so just a mob of families and kids at the same time.
And I see this old lady there, she's probably 58, and kind of a classy New York broad, this was in the East Village, and I see her going, oh shit!
And she marches down the steps and leaves.
I assume not getting her money back.
Because children showed up to a fucking cartoon.
Anyway, and I was with this black family next to me, and I sensed them just rolling their eyes, totally disinterested.
Now when Black Panther comes on, the trailer for Black Panther, everything's all eyeballs and talkity-talkity.
And it reminded me of- Black Panther's basically just Hamilton, right?
It's like, I'm gonna take a story and make sure it's only black people.
Uh, I don't like hearing about dead presidents and white men.
Why- why is it when we look at America's history, it's all white men?
I don't know, cause those were the demographics at the time.
Why do you care?
Do you hear white immigrants in Japan bitching about how everyone's Japanese?
Who cares?
Why are- why do you have disdain for that?
I don't even like the name Shaniqua.
I forget who said this.
But Ann Coulter made fun of her, maybe it was Robin Simone on The View.
But giving your kid a name like Shaniqua or Darrell, Tahal, Johnson, all those, I'm gonna call them stupid names, yes.
What you're saying is, I feel like a cuck if I name my kid Michelle Obama.
Michelle Obama's dad was one of the best dads in the world.
He struggled, he got out of bed, he had cystic fibrosis or something, he walked with those weird forearm crutches, stuck by his wife, stuck by his family.
Named his daughter Michelle.
She's pretty good for herself.
Neil deGrasse Tyson's dad.
Stuck around there for his boy.
His boy seems to be getting into astronomy.
Here's a telescope, kid.
I'll try to figure out how to work it with you.
Oh, here we go.
Orion's Belt.
Cool.
We figured it out.
High five, pal.
Named his kid Neil.
That's a good name.
But this whole idea that, no, I don't want to be part of your world.
Well, it's not my world.
It's our world.
It's America.
Why do you have to have a Kwanzaa?
Like, a black Santa.
Why do you need a black Santa?
What's the matter with a white Santa?
And then I had my second big epiphany of the holidays.
America is a racist country.
There is some racial animosity towards whites in this country.
The Black Santa, the Black Panther, the Hamilton.
You can't learn about American history unless we make the guys in it black and Puerto Rican.
I even saw a picture of the cast and crew of Hamilton and they were waving a Puerto Rican flag.
What?
When did we get Puerto Rico?
Like 1925?
Now I have to look that up.
When did we get Puerto Rico?
Second most asked question is why did we get Puerto Rico?
Okay, 1898.
Pretty long ago, sure.
And I don't know, I just thought that bothers me.
It doesn't bother me to see blacks and Puerto Ricans on stage doing Hamilton.
Of course it doesn't.
It bothers me that it bothers you to have white guys.
And you know it doesn't go the same way.
You know that if we got Conan O'Brien to play Martin Luther King in a huge four-hour miniseries on A&E, you would have a heart attack.
In fact, remember how mad everyone got, the whole Asian-American community, when we had Matt Damon in that Great Wall of China movie?
That was a horrible thing.
Or, a lot of people are convinced that Egyptians were black.
I don't know why.
I think it's because on the Tutankhamun's coffin they would paint his slaves on it and stuff, so they said, oh, you must have looked like Idris Elba.
But no, they looked like Anthony Cumia.
Jesus looked like Anthony Cumia.
The Egyptians just looked like slightly dark Italianos.
They looked like Sicilians.
But if you portray Egypt as anyone who doesn't look like Don Cheadle, then you're whitewashing history.
And that's BS.
And it's also BS that you have a problem with white people.
I never used to care about black Santas until this year when I noticed it was more common.
Like my Home Depot, which is in a black area, had all black Santas.
Not one white Santa, but tons of black Santas.
And I think, obviously I'm not tossing and turning all night.
I'm going, no, you can't desecrate Santa.
That's what the left says.
That's their trick is they go, Oh, it looks like someone's real scared of a black Santa.
Woo.
And I go, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not my beef.
My beef is why are you scared of a white Santa?
Why is that an issue?
Why should that bother you that a huge part of America's history is German and a huge part of the evolution of Christianity is combined with paganism.
And our traditions have a lot of Nordic and Northern European folklore.
Entangled in them.
That's our journey together.
We're all here now.
We're all here in New York City.
What a crazy, mad, Dutch, gangs in New York, Industrial Revolution, Abolition, Civil War, American Revolution.
What a wild ride it's been, everyone.
Why are you saying, no, no, no, no, no.
I live over here.
I celebrate Kwanzaa.
I have a black Santa.
I named my kids Shaniqua.
Why?
What's the matter with Michelle?
What's the matter with a white Santa?
It's racism!
It's racist not to assimilate.
That's what I'm screaming.
And it's, it's, that's probably considered a racist thing to say.
And Siddiq Khan, mayor of, uh, of London, said the opposite.
He said, immigrants, I want you to know, you don't have to- I gotta just double check, because I always screw up the, uh, the Breitbart editor in London.
Yeah, Siddiq Khan, I got it right.
He said, don't assimilate.
It's not your job.
There's no obligation to assimilate.
What?
What is a country?
Haven't you seen Thor, Ragnarok, or whatever it's called?
Which also is an amazing movie to take the kids to.
Ragnarok?
In Ragnarok, spoiler alert, they blow up Thor's hometown.
And Thor goes, we're not a land.
It's not a problem.
We're a people.
We'll just set up shop nearby.
Obviously, it's a bummer you lose your entire village.
But we'll just build a new city.
We are a people.
I thought, yes.
Assimilate.
Become a Veselian or whatever Thor is.
All right.
Now it's going to get a little uncomfortable.
Here's a, I don't want to call it an epiphany because I don't want to get fired, but here's something my brother and I were talking about.
I'm going to pave the way with some... Let me just start with a controversial thing.
Domestic abuse seems like bullshit to me.
Okay, that's horrible, right?
Let's get that out of the way.
Now I'm going to contextualize that.
First of all, I got in trouble for tweeting this, even amongst my friends, female friends, and I said, I tweeted out, every guy I know who's been involved in a domestic was the result of some bitch trying to ruin his life.
Now, you can't get mad at that, because I'm talking about my personal experience.
I'm not saying all domestics are bullshit.
I'm just telling you my life experience and the people I know.
Dove Charney, buddy of mine, star of American Apparel, accused of raping a girl and keeping one girl as a sex slave.
He had photographic evidence of the rape, and it was clearly not rape.
She was laughing and stimulating herself half the time.
And the sex slave wasn't working at American Apparel at the time, and he has tons of disgusting texts, sexts, of nudes that she was sending him after the allegation.
Terry Richardson, accused of women like Jamie Peck, of raping them.
Meanwhile, when New York Magazine does a cover story on it, they realize that Jamie Peck came back ten times for more.
This is mostly just people who gave, women who gave a handjob and regretted it a few years later.
I've been to Terry's photo shoots.
Yes, there was sex going on all the time.
Women were throwing themselves at him.
It was just a normal thing.
I think there was more sex going on in the early 2000s than there are now.
It was normal just that girls would go over to Terry's house naked, they'd have an orgy and there'd be dicks and drugs and parties going on.
I was never really invited to, or that never really kicked off when I was there.
Probably an example of ugly-ism.
I also wasn't nuts about being on Terry's dick.
I thought he might get kind of bi or something.
I did a few nude shoots with him actually.
Yeah, I could say he took advantage of me.
He took a picture of me standing on my dink.
He took a picture of me making a penis watch with my penis wrapped around my wrist.
Anyway, so that's two.
Now there might be an allegation out there that I don't know about that is true.
I'm just telling you my personal experience.
Uh, Anthony Cumia.
Got in an argument with a girl.
She put out on, uh, what is it, Snapchat?
Oh, he's beating me.
He broke my hand.
And then he spends a year in court, has to go to rehab, all this stuff.
Not true.
Acquitted.
His brother, Joe Cumia, his girlfriend, he was leaving her at the time, she goes, I'm gonna beat myself and say you beat me.
I've heard this from several chicks, by the way.
And, uh, so he set up cameras and he caught her hitting herself with a frying pan.
Now, that could- that, by the way, saved his ass.
He almost lost all his guns and everything.
Now, this could be lies.
These are just- like, that's a story I heard about Joe Kumi.
I didn't even hear it from him.
I think I heard it from his brother.
That's four stories.
Ooh, that reminds me of the whole Vice thing.
Now, there may have been horrible rapes going on.
I did hear some weird rumors as I was leaving.
Maybe me asking questions about those rumors, saying, what's going on here?
Maybe that led to a rift.
I don't know.
Those are purely hypothetical.
I have no evidence.
But as far as what I saw with my own eyes...
What a stupid, pathetic job Emily Steele did in that Vice expose that came out over the holidays about how Vice is a sexist place to work.
Even two of its founders concede.
Now, we always manipulated the media, and Emily Steele, she talks like a ballet girl.
Hi!
I'm doing this article on, like, Vice or whatever!
She sounds like a fagheg.
And she did the Bill O'Reilly scoop, which I don't know the background with that.
Maybe that was a half-assed job, too.
But we learned at a young age that it's very easy to manipulate lazy journalists and turn them into publicists.
So what Shane and Saroosh did is they said, we have failed.
You caught us.
And it's terrible.
Boom!
Absolved of all guilt.
And now the story's about them trying to fix it.
And the co-founders and Gloria Steinem are working so hard to fix this major problem that they've acknowledged.
And now they're feminists, they're part of the team.
Nice expose!
I know people want me to gloat more because I'm not there, but I'm done.
I'm not a social justice warrior.
I don't play dirty pool.
I stick with the truth.
I'm Voltaire.
I'll defend your right to the death, to say it.
So I read that with an open mind, and I'm reading—one of the things I'm responsible for—it was an interview I did with a rapper named Merz, and the woman, Jessica Hopper, who wrote it, This again is some hot, rich, white girl talking to a rapper from the hood.
He's like, shit, I'm getting some attention.
I'm horny.
You want to hook up?
And she goes, nah, yo, but I'll take you to the dog park.
You know these white, rich girls?
They like to be down with the ghetto culture, yo.
So she's like, yo, maybe I'll take you to the dog park when you're down here, yo, because you're a total dog.
Anyway, I found that out later.
What I did get was a word doc where it just said, hey, can we hook up when I'm in Chicago?
And I'm a busy man.
Like I said, the newsroom was a busy room.
And I just went, sure.
Sent it off.
Didn't even think about it.
Who cares?
I always hated rap interviews.
They were so badly done.
Yo, so what inspired you on your new record?
And she was apoplectic, and then that pissed me off.
I said, I'll relax you and your precious reputation.
So daddy got a lawyer, boom, got some money.
I heard, too, she was dating some rappers after that, and I thought, wait, I thought the whole premise of the case was that I dared to imply that you would fornicate with a rapper, and now you are?
Half the time with these things, too, when they get their money, they get their friends, and they all go to Italy and have a big fuck fest.
So you accuse them of being a slut, and then they get their money, and then they go slut around.
That is the pattern I've noticed.
Because the law is very old with chastity.
And so you call a woman a slut, and the old judge goes, well, no one's gonna marry her.
You called her a slut.
And you're like, here's a picture of her on a slut walk, sir.
Hey, don't slut shame.
OK, here's some money.
So that was one of the cases and one of the examples of vice being a sexist workplace.
And you're like, lady, believe me, I'd love you to have some real examples.
But that one is retarded.
And I can give you two more.
There was one, there was this chick.
I had this big pile.
Sometimes I would get rookie photographers and I'd just get their whole portfolio and I'd say, I might use some of these.
Ryan McGinley was a nobody when I first got him.
Terry was a somebody, Terry Richardson, but he just gave me a pile and said, use these whenever you want.
So I'm going through these piles and we did a thing on Cuban prostitutes and there was this chick.
And she was just in a dirty room, and she looked forlorn.
I thought, oh, this will be funny.
So I used that picture.
And the photographers had told me, everyone's cool.
Don't worry about using these pictures.
They're all fine.
And I brought the photo caption.
And because she looks sort of like, I don't know what the word is, lost, kind of deep in thought, but sad.
And it was like, Cuban prostitutes, go crazy, blah, blah, blah.
And I made the photo caption, I can't believe he didn't go down on me.
I thought that was amusing.
And she sued him on.
And then there was another one, there was this hot black chick.
And she had a belt buckle that said, Hot Mama.
And I wrote, uh, man, this mama's so hot, it's a wonder her kids don't spend all day beating off thinking about her.
Uh, clearly a joke.
And if you're in a public place, there's a reasonable expectation of being photographed, but we had highfalutin lawyers at the time that would just settle.
So there's three cases where I caused A feminist to sue.
Do you think that's an example of a toxic masculinity, a sexist workplace environment?
Now, I can't- I left in 08, so God only knows what- I shouldn't even say God only knows.
I have no idea what went on after there.
Could be the most sexist place on earth?
I doubt it.
I think what happened was they went to bed with social justice warriors and- and they're cannibals.
And if they don't get food, they'll start eating their own.
It's like a Nazi skinhead rally.
If you had a bunch of Nazi skinhead bands, everyone there would be on the same page.
But these Nazis are violent people.
So these Nazi skinheads would just start kicking the crap out of each other because that's what they do.
And if you don't provide them with punks to beat up or blacks or immigrant grocers, they'll go, well, I'll just have to take it out on you.
So that's the problem with getting in bed with these people.
They're vicious.
All right.
We should wind it up soon because it's It's vacation time and my guys are about to leave.
But I do have to finish this domestic abuse thing.
And yeah, I'll end it with this with this concept because I was also going to say my brother's brilliant epiphany where it says no food is bad food.
It's just calories.
Fried chicken isn't bad for you.
It's how much fried chicken.
If you exercised and had just the tiniest bit of variety to avoid scurvy and just burnt as many calories as you took in, you'd be fine.
So I was going to go off on that, but that sums it up.
But anyway, so this domestic abuse thing, this is a controversial thought I had, and I apologize in advance.
So I'm talking about my direct experience.
The Vice Exposé was ridiculous.
Pathetic.
And you know what is ironic about these exposés too?
You read it and you go, oh so you sued them because someone made a joke?
Or you know what you're doing is you're saying women don't belong in the workforce.
You're showing a workforce that had to pay out tens of thousands of dollars for a joke or an inappropriate comment or you were groped at a party.
Alright, men shouldn't grope at parties, but you sued.
It kind of looks like you don't belong there.
Or at least you being there isn't working out very well.
So these women, I mean, if I was a, I am an employer, but as an employer, I'm really just going, yeah, I'm not hiring women.
Sorry.
And I, by the way, I've talked to Wall Street dudes who are starting new hedge funds and stuff and new businesses.
And they say, we'll never say this publicly, but they, our number one rule is no broads.
I don't care how ugly she is, how cool she is.
I don't care if it's your wife.
No, no, no woman.
So these women are actually setting themselves back in time with all this crap.
If something happens to you that's illegal, call the cops.
If it's a joke or an inappropriate comment, grow the fuck up.
That's what you do at work to kill the time.
When I was at the Kumia Network, I pretended to be gay with my relationship with Garrett the Sound Man my entire 600 hours of episodes.
It was always talking about Garrett's pants and sexually harassing him.
And it was a joke we did where we both pretended to be closeted gays.
That's called funny.
Anyway.
So another experience I had, by the way, and I'm just telling you my experiences.
There may be women being beaten within half an inch of their life all over this country.
I suspect they're Muslims if you do find a lot of them, but whatever.
I bet they're disproportionately non-white, but anyway.
I talked to a cop and he said, you know, I get these women and they talk about rape or something and I sit down with them and I say, look, I want you to know something.
If that guy's a rapist, That's why I became a cop.
I want to catch bad guys.
I want to put rapists in jail.
That's why I walk the street.
I want to catch murderers.
I want to catch rapists.
I don't really care about pot smokers.
I don't really care about noise complaints, speeding, you know?
That doesn't get me out of bed.
What gets me out of bed is bad guys.
I want to put rapists behind bars.
But...
I don't want to put non-rapists behind bars.
And, I want you to know that it's illegal to say someone raped you when they didn't rape you.
If this is just revenge or something like that, that's no small beans.
It's not like he'll go away for a week and he'll be sorry.
He could go away for 15 years.
And if we find out that you lied, then he's out of jail and you're in jail.
So, if this is the truth, I couldn't be happier.
But if it's not the truth, I want you to know there's consequences for that.
And I said, whoa, that's trippy.
Uh, what would happen?
What would the woman say?
And he said, I'm just telling you what he said.
Don't beat me up.
He said 95% of the time the woman would go, yeah, forget it.
I was just mad at him.
He cheated on me.
And my hair went white because I thought, how often does that happen?
How many guys are in jail right now?
And I had a corrections officer tell me, I've told you this a million times, but I'll say it again.
He said, a lot of these guys are here because there's a domestic, a little call for a domestic.
And he hit me.
Now when that happens, that's like the ball in Indiana Jones.
It just starts rolling and rolling and she can drop charges, whatever you want.
It's going.
There's no, I think with Kumia, she wanted to end it.
She goes, no, no, forget it, forget it, forget it.
No, too late.
It's already, the system is now prosecuting you.
So, That ball's rolling.
And part of that ball rolling is a restraining order.
You can't go near her.
So he does, goes to the court, whatever.
Maybe he gets away with just like probation or something.
I don't know why.
But then she'll like him again.
And he'll like her.
The sex is hot.
Remember Camille Paglia got in big trouble for saying that?
She said one thing no one ever talks about in these violent relationships is how hot the sex is.
But he said, so they'll get back together and they'll move in.
And he'll have a sock drawer.
He'll have his favorite pies in the oven.
He'll live there.
He'll have his empanadas in the freezer.
And then they'll have another fight.
This is a year later.
So she calls the cops again.
This time, the law doesn't take into account his sock drawer.
It doesn't take into account that they went out for dinner last night.
All the law sees is someone stalking this poor woman, violating his restraining order, and attacking her yet again.
Boom.
Prison.
I think one CO told me, corrections officer, told me two-thirds of the guys he sees are in there for domestics.
Anyway, so this is the crazy part I'm getting to, and I stuff this at the very end because it's the most dangerous, and it's a horrible subject, and I'm sorry to have this thought, but I had this thought.
I've been beat up many times.
My friends have been beat up, I've beat up people.
When I beat up a man, he looks like a circus freak for a week.
Remember we had that dude on Matthias Thorpe?
He went to an Antifa thing in Boston, at Harvard actually, and he asked a few questions about communism.
I think he said, he was a guest on my show, so if you watch my show you're familiar with this.
If not, sign up!
CRTV.com forward slash Gavin.
And remember, this podcast isn't on CRTV.com anymore.
You gotta subscribe through Apple Podcasts, iTunes thing, or Google Play.
But he got beat up by a big dude at that thing, and he had pumpkin eyes sealed shut with huge black circles under each one for about 10 days.
I remember my dad got in a fight with his brother, And a brutal fight that lasted for about an hour.
No, no, not an hour.
In fighting time, it probably feels like an hour.
It's probably like a minute.
And his face was a pumpkin the next day.
Sorry to use the same vegetable metaphor twice, but you swell it to here.
You look like a freak.
You look like the elephant man after a fight.
Go look up all these mega hat wearers who get punched in the face by men.
They are destroyed.
Now, I got beat up by guys where you spit up blood the next day.
You shit blood the next day.
Your eyes are sealed shut for the longest time.
Your lips look like you're a racist caricature for about five days.
You look like that for that guy from the Tawana Braxton Show, Vince.
You look like Vince for a week.
You scare kids when you've been beat up by a man.
But that's a man.
So that's you being able to block and putting up a good fight.
If you were to beat a woman the way I've been beaten, she would, I mean, you'd collapse all her cheekbones, her eye cavities, socket, retina would be separated.
So all I'm saying is this notion of like the lady with the little dark circle under one of her eyes wearing big sunglasses and saying she bumped into a cupboard, Maybe that stereotype existed, but I don't get how he hit her.
Like, have you seen women?
You go thwop with your finger, or her kid pinches her, and she's got a brutal black and purple bruise for days.
A chick falls off her bike, and it looks like someone took purple spray paint to her legs.
That's just bonking your hip on the road.
If a man is like, where's my dinner, bitch?
I mean, her face would be gone.
It would cease to be.
He'd break her arms.
She'd go flying across the room.
So that's my most controversial thought.
I had just taken for granted this idea of like, where's my dinner, bitch?
And then she has to wear big sunglasses.
I went, oh, that's terrible.
I hate that guy.
I hate the guy in the wife beater.
The eponymous wife beater.
But I was thinking about it, talking to people this weekend, playing that Peter Thiel game and thinking, Yeah, I don't know if I believe that anymore.
Now, I'm not denying domestic abuse.
I'm just saying the archetypal image we have of the big sunglasses doesn't physically add up.
If I punch a woman, which I would never do unless she hit me 12 times, her face would be destroyed.
I wouldn't punch a woman in the face ever, actually.
I would never do that.
I might just sort of punch her body to get her away.
But punching a woman in the face?
I mean, Jesus, I've seen what happens when you punch men in the face, and they are destroyed!
Anyway, what do you know to be true that everyone else sees as a lie?
What do you know to be a fact that no one else knows is a fact?
What have you red-pilled yourself on that no one has red-pilled on?
And that was the theme of today's podcast.
And I think the important takeaway from all this is I think you should be very wary of the word fact.
I don't really like it.
I don't... I think it should be used very sparingly.
You know, scientists used to think the only life that exists is due to Sun.
You need light to exist.
That's what life is.
It comes from light.
And then they discovered that there was living organisms within rocks, inside of a rock.
An organism was born, lived and died and never saw an ounce of sunlight.
So the fact that living beings need light to survive was not a fact.
It was a theory.
And so I don't really have a big pile of facts in my chest.
What I have is conclusions I've come to after accruing data on that subject.
I am not, I very rarely say I'm positive of this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Because you're constantly getting new information, it's healthy to debate, you should want to stimulate your brain, have that brain exercise, you should get into arguments with people.
But we have a different mentality going on now, and it's a form of secularism.
Where there's Black Santa, and there's liberals on Facebook, and there's never Trumpers, and there's Impeach Trump, and then there's the MAGA over here, and we're getting more and more isolated with more and more technology.
And I think it's from being too pampered, where we don't enjoy conflict, we don't enjoy fighting, we don't enjoy getting out there and getting our hands dirty, getting into trouble.
We're quitters.
And we go, man, this is too hard.
I'm out.
So, I think it's important to play Peter Thiel's game because it's an interesting gauge to see how far down the rabbit hole of truth you're willing to go.
But my bigger takeaway of all this is a hundred percent of us should be willing to dive headfirst into the rabbit hole and just go, Geronimo!
Because that's ultimately what, what makes us happier.
You're mentally obese if you don't do that.
You're a mental fat pig.
And you know what happens to obese people?
They die of diabetes.
So don't let your brain get diabetes.
Don't assume you're right.
And always be hammering out the details.
You're not a real man unless you change your mind about something serious, something drastic once a year.
A complete 90 degree turn on that subject.
It means you're not learning.
Skateboarders are constantly hurting themselves.
You see them in the skate parks.
They're not doing tricks they know.
They're doing tricks they don't know.
Scientists aren't doing experiments where they know the result.
They're doing experiments where they could and probably will fail.
Entrepreneurs aren't making businesses they know are going to be a huge, smashing success, guaranteed.
They're doing businesses, running companies, starting small businesses they hope will succeed.
We should all be that way about everything!
That's the one fact I know to be true that no one else thinks is true.
