Get Off My Lawn Podcast #1 | I Slept In The Car Last Night
In this, debut episode Gavin discusses having to sleep in his car with a shotgun because the Alt-Left is out to get him. He talks about the dangers of being right wing in liberal New York and how this new version of McCarthyism is affecting his marriage. NOTE: This show is an extra freebie with all new content and it’s based on Gavin’s TV show of the same name which can be found on CRTV.com. Use promo code GAVIN if you’re getting a whole year. Membership includes all their shows including “Louder With Crowder,” “Michelle Malkin Investigates,” and “Levin TV."
I kind of slept in the car last night in a form of the doghouse.
You know, the doghouse where your wife doesn't want to be with you so you sleep sometimes on the couch, sometimes in a more solid doghouse like a car.
This was kind of that, but not really.
I slept in the car with my .30-06 Huntsman rifle loaded with very powerful shells.
It shoots five.
I don't know what you call that.
I have to pull the trigger five times.
That's how many?
Four?
And I guess that's a semi-automatic?
I don't know.
Us non-gun types are very obvious when we talk about guns.
Same with sports.
And the left isn't smart enough to stay away from that.
They kill.
They still keep saying things like it was a semi-automatic.
They always humiliate themselves with that stuff.
So I had my gun.
I had a knife, I guess, if you count my Leatherman around my waist.
Created by Tim Leatherman.
Very gifted inventor and wonderful entrepreneur you can read about in Michelle Malkin's book, Who Built That?
I also had my Maglite Flashlight by, I believe he was a Serbian, maybe Croatian, Tony Maglica, also featured in that book.
Made in the USA.
This is an entrepreneur who came here from a place where he was so poor as a kid that his mother would leave him a small bag of flour when he was four.
And she would go in, take a boat to wherever the nearest place was.
You know, all those islands near the Balkans.
And she would sell, I don't know, pots?
Pots they made?
And then she would come back three days later, and her four-year-old boy had been sitting there, I guess pooping on the lawn.
And mixing that flour with water to stave off his hunger pains.
That's the kind of suffering he endured as a boy.
And now he makes these amazing flashlights and spends a lot of money on trademarks.
Because he keeps getting ripped off by people who steal his awesome designs.
So I was equipped with those two entrepreneur things.
The rifles are Remington.
And then there was a baseball bat.
Made by Louisville.
A Louisville slugger.
I believe they were the first to make baseball bats.
I believe they made them out of Canadian maple.
Most kids use steel now.
They're not allowed to use wood in Little League.
It might shatter.
Anyway, I'm adding way too many tangents to the various bric-a-brac I brought.
But let me tell you why I slept in my car.
I live in the suburbs of New York in Westchester, about an hour north, sort of in the middle, and this is a very pro-Hillary, DNC little enclave.
It's strange because every dad is in finance here.
You'd think they'd like the Dow.
You'd think they'd like a free market president, but maybe they're just pussy whipped.
I had Chelsea Clinton next door during the election.
She was here having a big fundraiser.
All the local rich people came in.
I'm rich, by the way.
All the local rich people came and they wore their pussy hats.
I'm not exaggerating.
A pussy hat is still very common to see.
Some woman walking her dog with that ridiculous joke on her head.
Lady, that was a joke.
It was an offensive joke.
You got me there.
But it was said in the privacy of a bus.
And ladies, I don't want to break your hearts, but that's how... I'm gonna say 99% of us talk.
I have... David Cross does not talk like that when he's alone with the guys.
And it's... it can be jarring.
The rest of us talk like that.
Sorry.
And yes, there are situations where a groupie is so into you that one is inclined to perform such an act.
And it's done consensually.
I know, you hate Donald Trump.
You can't imagine any woman attracted to him.
I can't imagine that a joke on a bus has dominated so much of America's discourse and was the major, it was his number one drawback with the election.
Not John McCain, not insulting Ted Cruz's wife, nothing else was as controversial as a joke on a bus.
And now women in my neighborhood wear it on their head.
You're wearing a joke on your head.
You're wearing a rude joke on your head.
So in this neighborhood, being pro-Trump is bizarre.
Wearing a MAGA hat would definitely elicit gasps.
I'm not exaggerating.
And so, word got out who I am.
And the media is not very friendly to people of my, um, to my demographic, my peer group.
As Tim Allen said, there's nothing more dangerous than a likable, funny conservative.
And he was talking about the character he played on his show, which was cancelled.
And it was cancelled because the execs, mostly women I'd imagine, don't want to facilitate Trump and they don't want to facilitate Hitler America, which is what Trump America is to them.
And so they pull out this successful show so they won't have blood on their hands.
And you see this all over the place.
Social media, the reason Jack at Twitter is ghosting conservatives, the reason Mark Zuckerberg is messing with conservatives, is because they believe this narrative that it's Hitler America and it's going to be a race war and they don't want to be responsible for that.
It's the same reason that British media is so petrified of being Islamophobic and will let child rapists go, child killers, when it comes to honor killing, But we'll prosecute someone who throws bacon on a mosque.
There was two guys in East London, Polish immigrants, I believe, who threw bacon on a mosque.
They were thrown in prison, which is full of violent, radical Muslims, who then killed one of them.
They tried to kill Tommy Robinson, too.
And now we've got a Scottish guy, Count Dankula, who is facing jail time for teaching his pug to zeig heil.
Again, as a joke.
Have you heard of a joke?
Are you familiar with kidding?
Like Orwell said, within every joke, there's a tiny revolution.
Now, every joke is a revolution.
It's considered a revolution and a joke.
You gotta check out stand-up comedy, by the way.
If you're not into it, I highly recommend go to any comedy night, any city in the Western world, and the topics are 2016 sucked, Trump sucks, Trump is Hitler.
Occasionally Trump is the devil, but that's it.
And even if they were right, I'd go, even if it was 1930, uh, 1943 Germany, I'd go, can we not talk about Hitler, please?
I'm bored, I see him on the news every day.
So anyway, that's my watch scraping on my gigantic desk I bought for this show.
So I've been outed in the neighborhood as Richard Spencer.
No one wants to talk to me about it, but there's no difference for them between David Duke, Richard Spencer, Steve Bannon, Rand Paul.
Everyone on CRTV, Malcolm Levin, Levin, when that whole, when he said Obama's wiretapping Trump, he was, the press talked about him as this idiotic, right-wing, conspiratorial radio show host.
To them, he was Alex Jones.
And they don't even have Alex Jones right.
They just go, Alex Jones, he thinks Sandy Hook didn't happen.
Now, I believe he had a guest on his show once who said Sandy Hook didn't happen.
But that's Jones's legacy.
And I think one of the reasons the left runs with these narratives is because they're incurious.
You know, my local bar up here, I'll never forget this, and I'm probably going to mention it a hundred times, but I'm sitting there drinking my alcohol, which is now Bud, because I'm trying to quit Makers, and the guys are selling wine, and he goes, this wine is from South Africa.
And the bartender says, I'm not interested in buying from South Africa.
Now, Apartheid was abolished a quarter of a century ago.
Rhodesia is Zimbabwe now.
Mugabe runs it with an iron fist.
He's a racist tyrant who hates white people and is having them killed every day with his own troops.
He calls them the war veterans.
They're little kids who go and murder people.
And yes, there's a lot of black-on-black violence in South Africa right now, way more than there was under Apartheid.
I'm not justifying Apartheid.
That's just a fact.
But the level of torture that these white farmers are going through right now in South Africa is almost too disturbing to mention.
An old lady tied to a chair and then drilled to death with an electric drill.
Or they'll take a family, tie up the dad, rape the mother, burn the children alive, Kill the mother after they've raped her and then untie the dad so he has to live with this and he eventually kills himself.
It's so sadistic what's going on in South Africa right now that if it was in a horror movie, people wouldn't watch it.
They'd go, that's just gratuitous.
There's no plot there.
You've got no... I can't empathize with any of the characters.
You've gone too absurd.
You have to have some semblance of reality, South Africa.
But, in this culture we go, South Africa is the racist place, it will always be that, and there's nothing worse than racism.
Nothing worse.
This is the stigma.
In Canada, it's slightly different.
Up there, it's aboriginals.
There's nothing worse than daring to discredit Indians.
But here, it's racism.
And if you met a racist three years ago, you need to move.
I don't want to touch you.
You know, I heard they were doing a documentary on Jeffrey Dahmer, and he contacted the people who were doing it, and he said, look, I want to make something crystal clear here.
I ate black people because I lived in a bad neighborhood where it was mostly black people.
I'm not racist.
Let that sink in, as Paul Joseph Watson would say.
Jeffrey Dahmer is a cannibal, an admitted cannibal, but his biggest fear is being known as a racist.
That's what all this taking a knee is, by the way.
All these NFL players are taking a knee to make it clear that they are against racism and they don't support racism.
And... I think his name's Jesse Ben?
What an annoying name that is.
Is that a name... Did your Jewish ancestors change your name because of the Holocaust or they didn't want... They were on the run and they were like Ben Berberg or something and they changed it?
Change it back!
Show some pride.
If your name was Silverstein, change it back to Silver.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm being hypocritical because my original name was McGinnis, and my grandfather was an Irish bookie.
And in Scotland, no one trusted an Irishman, so he changed it to McKinnis.
I mean, yeah, I should change it back to McGinnis.
I should put my money where my mouth is.
There's going to be some hypocrisy on this show, folks.
Anyway, Jesse Ben wrote an article saying, if you are white and you're standing up for the national anthem, Then you are complicit in white supremacy.
And that is our biggest fear in America.
Not necessarily being racist.
That's pedophilia.
I mean, that's just unthinkable.
But being even near it.
Having a neighbor who's a pedophile.
Uh, being seen with a pedophile.
Not hating a pedophile enough.
I mean, I know of a guy... Oh, God.
Maybe you could look this up, Dave?
I think I tweeted it.
There was a guy who was stabbed by his friends for not disavowing a Nazi enough.
So it was a guy, I think he was in Charlottesville or something, and they were talking about him on Facebook, and one of the guys who used to know this person said, Oh, he's a Nazi?
Oh, that sucks, man.
He was a good guy.
When I knew him eight years ago, that person who said that was then stabbed.
That's the culture we live in.
Anyway, I'm building all this up to tell you, yada-dee-yada, I'm not a Nazi, but because I'm right-wing in New York, and I love Trump, and I don't take a knee, then my neighbors hate me.
And so I've had a few incidents here in town.
I'm a pariah already, which is... I can handle it.
I like being a pariah, to be honest.
I'm like Larry David.
I don't want to talk to you.
So if you hate me, that's wonderful.
In fact, that was an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, where he sprained LeBron James' ankle, or Shaquille O'Neal's ankle, and everyone hated him for it, and he was walking on air.
That's great.
I don't like it because it affects my wife's social life.
And it will eventually affect my kid's social life.
Sorry, my daughter can't go to your daughter's birthday party because I read somewhere in some fake news site that has no credibility anymore like the Washington Post or the New York Times or the SPLC or the ADL that you're a Nazi.
And the reason I mentioned that South Africa thing is the New York Times is only very recently a laughingstock.
I'd say the past 10 years.
The Washington Post?
That's only become fake news and a complete laughingstock when Jeff Bezos of Amazon took over.
When was that?
Look that up, Dave.
And the SPLC, you know, they've got a good background.
They used to be meritist.
They used to be somewhere you could rely on.
And then their hate list grew and grew because that's how they make money.
They make old rich people scared.
And so now it's anyone who's pro-life and anyone who's against gay marriage and They're actually getting sued now, because they have ex-Muslims on their hate list for being Islamophobic, and these ex-Muslims are simply describing the world they came from.
The world where their mothers and sisters were in constant danger, and they were in danger.
So, the SPLC is a joke, but that's recent.
And these people who... it takes them a quarter century to... You got it there?
Washington Post closes sale to Amazon.
When was that?
Sorry, it was almost exactly four years ago.
Four years ago.
So the Washington Post became a joke in the past four years.
But, you know, if South Africa is still racist, then these organizations can glide on their legacy for, I don't know, 25 years?
I mean, how many people have read Bill McGowan's Coloring the News or his other book on the New York Times' Grey Lady Down?
Those books perfectly summarize why the New York Times is a joke, and it basically comes down to pinch Arthur Salzberger Jr.
being a rich kid and never experiencing real diversity.
His idea of diversity is going to amazing restaurants all over the world.
That's why the New York Times sucks.
So, after Charlottesville, which I disavowed back in June and said that I don't want anything to do with this, I'm not racist, I'm not racist, I'm just gonna get a swastika crossed out, tattooed on my forehead.
That'll help.
Maybe I'll just become a Rastafarian.
I'll just have long dreads and wear sort of a leather Jamaica map.
No, a leather Africa sort of outline, you know those leather sort of pendants, but with the Jamaican colors.
And speak in a Jamaican accent.
No, then you get into Rachel Dolezal, and it's even worse.
So... Since Charlottesville, my neighborhood hates me.
And, uh...
I was on the train going into the city, as I'm wont to do.
And this guy is staring at me, and I go, oh great, here we go.
So I run away, and I go to the quiet car.
I'm happy to fight anyone in the city.
I just don't want it near my kids.
You know what I mean?
So I would happily get plastic surgery in my neighborhood.
Or be like Batman, and only put on my bat cape when I go into the city.
But I don't want it around my family, obviously.
So here it is around my family and and he gets he follows me the quiet car and I'm looking at some article about a statue being taken down and he goes it takes him about 40 minutes no no not 40 minutes the whole rides 40 minutes it takes him about 20 minutes to summon the courage to say what you're in And I go, no, he goes, what do you think of that?
And I go, it's depressing.
And he thought I was looking at another page that said Trump finally disavows blah, blah, blah.
By the way, he disavowed Charlottesville the second it happened.
He did a second press conference later on to reiterate that because the left couldn't hear.
And so he was one of those lefties.
And he was saying, are you mad?
It's depressing that it took so long for him to say that.
And I go, oh, you're talking about the other page?
Yeah, he's fine with Charlottesville.
By the way, he said some of them were fine people.
He saved lives by saying that.
I'm sure a very tiny amount of them were fine people.
I know some.
Faith Goldie went down there to report it.
There was reporters there, they were fine people.
But if he had said these people are evil and need to die, now we start pecking off people that we assume are sympathetic to Charlottesville.
And judging by my reception since Charlottesville in my neighborhood, I'd be one of them.
And you will have got the wrong guy.
Actually, they're getting the wrong guy.
I had to sleep in my car last night with a fucking gun!
Excuse my language.
So, he sits and he talks to me, and I don't know what his point was, but he was so bad at arguing, and he said, America's built on risk-taking.
I said, I agree, that's called capitalism.
He said, no, it's socialism, because you need a safety net.
And I go, that's just less risk-taking.
And then he had this crazy analogy where he says, if you go to a casino and you have $700 and you bet $100, you still have $600.
That's taking a risk.
I go, you're talking about less of a risk, dude.
It's these people in finance.
Let me tell you about people in finance.
They are sommeliers.
They know all about wine and grapes, and their job is irrelevant.
We have done this with-- we've experimented with darts.
We've had monkeys throw darts at the stock market.
They do better than guys in finance.
I'm not denying they know everything about every single company your shares are in, but they just move around your money on safe bets, and they make you 5% a year.
No one can break 5% a year.
So your job is total and utter BS.
You should be embarrassed.
All of my neighbors, they hate me for this mythical Nazi.
I hate them for a real sommelier.
You wanna talk stupid jobs?
Your job doesn't exist!
You're an interior decorator.
You're a Feng Shui person.
You're an astrologist!
I don't bug you for your Capricorn on the cusp of Sagittarius rising or whatever you call it.
Anyway, so he bores me, I destroy him, because, you know, they say our blacks are better than their blacks.
Our conservatives in New York are better than their liberals.
We have been hammered on a daily basis for every argument, and they have the opposite experience.
So they say things like, we're a nation of immigrants, which I said when I was 18, and then we destroy them, say actually we're a nation of citizens, and all countries are built on conquest and war, and that's what history is.
I don't think I can name a country that was done on a handshake deal.
I believe the Maoris, when they got to New Zealand, the Maoris were lying in sand piles, holding these field hockey sticks they use, and they destroyed...
The Brits.
And I believe the foundation of New Zealand was, alright look, it's been six years we've been fighting and you're winning, so let's just agree to disagree and maybe we can have this part and you can have that part and we'll pay you tons of money for the rest of your lives.
Yes!
That will work!
Of course the charity has not been good to the Maoris.
Charity isn't good for anyone.
Neamus Schafer-Rowley has a brilliant book on that called The New Trail of Tears that I mentioned in my first episode of Get Off My Lawn on CRTV.com.
Actually, those episodes or the intro episodes are free on my YouTube, The Gavin 2000, and you can go check out what I'm all about because my neighbors and most of America seems to have the wrong idea.
Anyway, so that's boring.
That guy bugs me and he talks to me about his bull BS, motherhood statements, really trivial, love, we're all, can't we all just get along, blah, blah, blah.
Who disagrees with you?
You know?
It's like when they say, love trumps hate.
We want love, we don't want hate.
Yeah, dude.
You think everyone wants hate?
What are you talking about?
No more war!
I agree.
Maggie Thatcher agrees.
General Patton agrees.
You know, Mad Dog Mattis agrees.
We don't want war.
We don't want 18-year-olds to die.
You gotta go to the farthest, farthest right.
They don't want people dying.
We're adults.
Especially those adults who have kids.
We have a stake in the game.
So, that was one incident, and that was right after Charlottesville, and I thought, uh-oh.
Despite saying I have nothing to do with this months before it happened, I'm getting roped into this, and I get roped into it by fake news, and I get roped in by fake news because of what Tim Allen said.
I'm a threat, because I'm funny, as you may have noticed from this hilarious show, and charming, and I'm right-wing.
That's a real danger to them.
And they hate when we have- I started this fraternal group called the Proud Boys.
It's just like the Elks Lodge or something and we have black members.
And the left hates that!
So they antagonize these members until they quit.
And they make up lies until the black guy goes, really?
They said that?
Oh man, I'm out.
Because they see, we see blacks and Asians and Jews and whatever as human beings.
And if they're culturally with us, they're culturally with us.
The left is about identity politics and they see blacks as pets.
And so they want to maximize their pets like a little collection.
And it's ironic because I see liberals talk to blacks and they're so uncomfortable.
And black people can sense that has been my experience.
Whereas I feel I get along better with black people than liberals because I'm not that excited.
You know, I don't do the cool handshake with the hug, the wrap handshake.
I do my normal handshake.
And African American people of colour appreciate that.
Plus, the left has no testosterone.
And my experience with black Americans is they like, when you're alone with black dads at a party, they like talking trash and dirty talk and mean talk.
And liberals are scared of that.
A great example of that, actually, my son, who, by the way, I have separated from racism in that he doesn't know what a race is yet.
You know the talk where black people say you better be careful, cops are gonna kill you?
I do the opposite.
My kids don't know about 9-11.
Actually, I think schools told them about it, but I push away all that stuff so they can have maximum childhood.
So my son had a lot of black friends, and he didn't know they were black friends.
He goes, why don't my friends have black skin?
I see that as a huge victory as a parent.
If your kid calls black people black skin, doesn't even know the term black people, you've won.
That's like a kid believing in Santa till he's 10.
That's a victory for you as a parent.
Not knowing what sex is till they're 12.
That's good.
Good for you.
Yeah, but they might get pregnant.
Shut up!
So I'm at this party and they're watching Big Hero 6, which by the way is a cartoon where Tokyo has taken over San Francisco.
It's called San Fransokyo or something.
Can you imagine that in another environment?
Where America had taken over Tokyo or any African city and some African city in the Congo was called Oongaka, New York.
And all the architecture was New York and they had a little Empire State Building.
People would be furious.
But anyway, we enjoy being colonized.
We think it's cute.
And I'm watching this cartoon and the parents, this was way out in Brooklyn when I lived there.
Their parents had broadcast the movie onto the side of their building.
It's really cool.
It's like 20 feet high.
And it's a kid's party where they're gonna watch the movie.
And I go, awesome.
I can go to a bar.
That buys me what?
These movies are super long now.
They're two hours or something.
I got two hours.
Guilt-free.
I know the boy's safe.
Let's go.
Or let's at least go get drunk.
And the white dads...
White Dads in Brooklyn all love Hillary.
They wear J.Crew and they have this sailor look.
They're very nautical.
Where they have these horizontal stripes with kind of a scoop neck.
I swear to God, my genitalia is contracting right now.
I'm so disgusted.
You know when you stand near the edge of a building?
I don't know if men, if you get this, your testes will sort of contract.
I think it's a safety thing.
By the way, balls, if I fall off this building, we're both dead.
You can get as close to my body as you want, it's not gonna help things, okay?
But I appreciate, I appreciate your safety precautions.
But anyway, I'm literally having physical reactions to this description.
So they've got their horizontal stripes, like they're Jacques Cousteau.
And then they all wear funky socks.
And I like a Union Jack sock once in a while.
I'm not talking about Justin Trudeau funky.
I'm talking about even funkier.
Like pink with orange dots.
Ugh.
Like they're the host of a children's program.
Like Polka Dot Door.
Hi, Pokaroo!
I'm a dad in Brooklyn.
So they all, these dads, curl up next to their boys and watch the movie all snuggled.
Watching a cartoon!
Can you believe that?
That's not healthy!
Like, the other night I brought my son to baseball practice and I was sitting there with the dads watching my boy practice, not even the game, and I go, this feels gay.
What am I doing watching a boy play?
So I go to the bar, which took forever and had terrible service, and I come back.
You don't s- Boys should be together making jokes, throwing popcorn at the screen.
It's a building.
It can take it.
Yell fart in a crowded theater.
That's free speech.
So, I'm, I'm, I recoil in horror at this disgusting sight of dads thinking that they're, they're kids' friends.
And, look, my dad explained this to me very recently, actually.
He said, you can either be friends with your kids when you're young or when you're old.
I chose old.
And it's true.
My dad's my bro now.
And I wanted to murder him when I was a teenager.
In fact, I stood toe-to-toe with him and I said, let's do this.
It was the day I moved out.
I said, let's do this.
I'm done.
Let's fight.
And he said, get out before I do something I regret.
And he tried to strangle me, but without touching my neck, which is very difficult.
A safety strangle.
So I go, all right, I'm leaving.
And I go over to this table where there's some wine and guess who's there?
The four black dads.
The four black dads are the only ones who aren't snuggling with their kids.
And you know what we talked about?
We talked about sex.
We talked about sex with our wives.
One of them told me that he has this special box under his bed.
It's like a fancy box.
He got, I don't know, a couple bottles champagne in at work.
And it's like a perfect, not quite wood, but better than cardboard box.
And he's got all his little outfits that he likes her to wear in there.
And I thought, that's a cool idea.
I want to have a nice box.
You're brilliant.
You know, I learned from that.
That's good for my marriage.
You know, we talk trash about other people, and mistakes we've made, and hubris, and... Anyway.
Here I am bragging about my black friends.
So, I talked to that boring finance sommelier, and now he's, you know, in my life, and he wants to be friends, and oh, God.
So that was the beginning of sort of my pariah status in the neighborhood.
And then...
A couple days later I'm pulling into the driveway and there's this Goomba.
He looks like a bouncer.
And you don't get that in this neighborhood.
It's all beta male finance guys with glasses.
And this guy was a bodybuilder, and he's turning the corner, and he's right at my driveway.
So I'm pulling out, my whole family's there, and he sort of stands not in front of my car, but in a way that is not on the side of the road.
And he does this like, yeah, you wanna go?
You wanna do this?
I'll do this right now, like with his hands extended, very, you know, those, that Italian gesticulation.
Hey, hey, what are you gonna do, huh?
Hey, hey!
So he's going, hey, you wanna do this?
Hey, come on, right now, right now.
He's not saying that, but that's what his gestures indicate.
And here's the weird part of the story.
He takes off his wraparound shades, and he's cross-eyed.
Now, I've told this story 900 times.
I don't, I've saved that detail to the very end, because it's distracting.
Because you go, is he, is he retarded?
I drive past him, playing dumb, sort of, because my kids are in the car, and I go, what the, that's a crazy guy.
What will they think of next, these crazy people?
And then I look at my rearview mirror and he's standing in the middle of the road, sorta like a, with his cross eyes, crossed eyes, going, come back!
You wanna do this?
Come on!
What do I do?
I go half a block, get my wife to drive, run around the corner, and say, what's your issue here?
Because Tommy Robinson is the master of this.
This is what you do in these situations.
You run up, ideally recording with your phone, because you want documentation if this guy tries to burn your house down, and you go, what's the issue here?
What's your problem?
What's happening?
What's happening?
And then they can settle it, because you know you're not that guy that they're talking about.
So they're going to say, I read here, and you say that's fake news.
You know, it's not like you're a pedophile.
If you're a pedophile, and someone said, hey, why do you like sexy boys?
You would just keep driving.
You'd go, sorry, that's my curse.
That's my lot in life.
I'm attracted to nine-year-old boys in red leather short shorts.
Oh, well, I have nothing to say about that.
That's just who I am.
What are you going to do?
Discuss it?
It's just my disgusting curse?
I actually think I heard pedophiles usually recommend castration for themselves.
So they agree with you that they need to die.
Sounds pretty easy, doesn't it?
I want you killed.
You want to die?
Anyway.
So I did nothing about that.
I just drove away.
And then much more recently, because Charlottesville was what, June 19th or something?
No.
No, I disavowed it in June.
It was August 19th.
There's some yuppie kid, rich kid, and those, by the way, it's hard to find someone more left-wing than rich kids.
They tend to work at my old company, Vice, and they hate Trump.
Trump is Hitler.
They're big into socialism, probably because that's been their life.
I mean, if you live in your parents' basement and you have your own sort of hangout by the pool house, then you're experiencing a form of socialism and you tend to like that.
You tend to be pro-philanthropy because you are enjoying philanthropy your entire life.
You went to some fancy school and now you have a good job, Because you never got anything but favors, so you tend to think socialism works.
Look at me.
My rich parents subsidized me.
The rich should subsidize America and they can all be as happy as me.
So they're my enemies.
They're my arch enemies, these rich kids.
And you'll notice, even in Britain, you see this.
Like, Tommy Robinson lives in Luton, where it's all Muslim.
And he would get killed walking down the street, and I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.
But that's only a few miles from where I was born, Cheddington.
Cheddington is white, middle class, and posh.
And he's in just as much danger there.
In fact, he got mobbed at a bar there.
By kids who, you know, rich white kids with blonde hair who were calling him racist and they pounded him, they mobbed him.
Of course, being Tommy, he went back to one of the kids' homes and interviewed him on camera.
So that's what I try to do.
I stole that from him.
I want to talk to you if you're yelling profanity at me because you got the wrong guy.
And I want to settle this, obviously.
I want it out of the way.
So I'm with my boys on my front lawn, and we're practicing pitching because the kids today are so arrogant.
And my son is convinced he's the best pitcher In the world.
And he walks people all the time, and I go, Buddy, you gotta take it easy on the hubris, okay?
You're not a god.
I'm not gonna say you suck, because that's not my job, but you... He thinks he's the best player on the team.
In fact, last season he was crying because they didn't win, and if he'd only done two Grand Slams, they could have won.
He thinks he's Cespedes from the Mets, and if the team fails, it's his fault because he's the greatest.
Relax, dude.
Anyway, I'm trying to take him down a peg.
And some yuppie kid, this rich kid, he rides by on his bike and he has Patagonia on his shirt.
And that says a lot.
He's got a little Lego hair side part.
He's much taller than me, probably like 6'2".
A little baseball hat, he's got his earbuds in.
Nice mountain bike.
And he's pedaling by and he says, How's the hate and ignorance industry working out for you?
Let's discuss that!
Stop!
So I go, what?
What'd you say?
Come here!
And so he starts pedaling faster.
I chase him down the street for a block.
I'm an old man, though, and these youngsters on their bikes are quite nimble.
And so I run back to get my car, almost running over my kids in the process, because they're worried I'm going to run over all the baseballs that we were throwing.
And my four-year-old's like, Dad, wait!
I go, get him out of the way!
So my son grabs my other son, I peel out, and I go driving around the neighborhood for an hour, trying to find him.
To no avail.
But I was just going to ask him, recording with my phone, what are you talking about?
What's your issue here?
First of all, the hate industry, I have a lot of hate in me.
Hate is an underestimated, underrated emotion.
It's just like love in reverse.
I'm full of hate.
I hate flip-flops.
I hate those liberal dads in the nautical gear.
I see it all day.
I enjoy it, actually.
And when I go on vacation, I find someone to hate.
If you put too much mashed potatoes on your plate at the buffet, you're my enemy for the entire trip.
I want to get it out in the open.
In fact, at that very trip I'm talking about, it was in Jamaica, it was at a family-friendly resort, and it was so family-friendly that adults felt ostracized.
The tables were only two feet high, and they had little, you know, the kids loved these chicken strips and these mozzarella sticks, like easy breaded, dippable things.
And there's Sesame Street people everywhere.
I think it's called Pebbles?
Anyway, some 21-year-old shows up.
What are you doing here, dude?
We're all families.
100% of us are families.
It's all dads.
Why are you here?
And then I heard he was talking to some of the boys, like the 10-year-old boys, about, you know any chicks here?
I want to get laid.
Uh, don't talk that way to my kids.
And here's the craziest part.
He had a tattoo that was maybe 6 inches wide that was just a black strip that went from the top of his butt crack Up his back, up his neck, and then across the top of his head and ended sort of at his hairline.
Like a mohawk.
It was a tattooed mohawk that started at a devil's peak on his forehead and went all the way down the back.
Now, all the dads are really uncomfortable about this guy.
They don't like that he's there.
Uncomfortable about?
Uncomfortable with.
Unhappy about.
But they don't want to say anything, because they don't like confrontation.
Including some dude from Brooklyn, who married a Jamaican woman, and he had the weirdest accent, I can't do it, imagine Jamaican, and what go on with, yo, what's up?
So we had like a, yo, what go on?
Including him, tough guy, lives in the two toughest places on earth, Brooklyn and Jamaica.
And he was too scared to approach him, so I approached this guy.
And I start saying, what are you doing here?
What's going on?
Oh, my travel agent screwed up.
And I go, if I was your age and my travel agent brought me here, I would get in a cab and go to Montego Bay, get an apartment, and just party with chicks, have a great time.
What are you doing here?
And I kept interrogating him until we had a screaming match, and he was yelling, I'm not a pedophile!
And the next day, he was at the lobby with his bags, getting a taxi.
Bye-bye, tattoo head!
And all the dads, including the tough guy, came up to me later and said, thank you so much.
It was ruining my vacation worrying about this guy.
Yeah, well, why didn't you say anything?
Say something.
If you see something, say something.
That's why it's in the opening credits of Get Off My Lawn.
I know I'm dragging out this story of me sleeping in my car with a shotgun, but it's the spine to what this podcast is about.
How are we doing for time, by the way, Dave?
Sitting at 37 minutes right now.
What was the first thing I asked you to look up besides Jeff Bezos?
That was three years ago.
Oh, the guy who was stabbed.
Yeah, that was in Vermont.
Vermont.
Do we have his name?
Uh, just close it.
Hold on.
Vermont.
Well, it's gonna fade in now that you took too long.
So, that guy disappears.
That was two nights ago, the guy on the bike.
And I wanted to ask him about it.
By the way, by hate and ignorance, he means Trump.
And I'll tell ya, it's not easy to make a buck.
I mean, I'm doing good at CRTV, and I was doing pretty good at Rebel, and I made some money at Compound and Tacky, but, uh, I've lost millions upon millions of dollars being on the right.
The victim, what's his name?
Sam Wormer?
Yep.
Sam Wormer.
So you can look that up on, uh, it's in Big League Politics.
Cassandra Fairbanks wrote about him.
That was the guy stabbed for not disavowing a Nazi enough, which is the boat I'm in.
And the hate and ignorance industry, the right-wing industry, sucks.
It's hard to make a buck here.
In fact, I think CRTV was formed, and I might be speaking at a turn here, I think CRTV was formed because they went, wait a minute, half the country is right, most of the media is left, there's a supply and demand hole here.
Well, one of the reasons there's a hole is people aren't brave enough.
They don't like being confrontational, they don't want to ask the pedophile what he's doing there, and they don't want to say, Yeah, no.
Charity doesn't work.
Welfare doesn't work.
Immigration is a mess.
The Constitution is what matters.
I'm a cultural chauvinist.
I'm a Western chauvinist.
If you love the West, get the hell over here now.
If you don't, get off my lawn.
I'd love to discuss that with this guy, and I'm sure he's read some stupid article that frames me and says I did this and did that and I'm a Nazi.
These people don't want to talk, is the other thing.
You know, you can email me, you can come on my show.
I'm going to start taking calls, by the way, on this show.
We're open to debate.
I love debating, but I just wish I could debate things I believe in.
Those opening episodes to Get Off My Lawn.
I've said some controversial stuff.
Grill me about xenophobia.
That's screwed up.
I think other cultures are inferior?
I got an even more radical belief that would be fun to talk about, especially if you were stoned.
I think other species are inferior.
I think a hammerhead shark is a loser.
I think a deer is a loser.
I think a pygmy shrew, I think his life is hell.
He's got to eat something like three times his weight in food every day.
You're a loser, pygmy shrew.
You're a stressed out, rickety little loser.
That's worth debating.
Actually, I'm gonna have a- I have a nature buddy who's lived in the woods his entire life, and he knows, you know, the Latin name of every pygmy shrew.
I'm gonna have him on next episode and just talk about that theory, because he's a very rational, intelligent guy, and he's- he's a Trump guy.
Um... Surrounded by liberals like me.
He's not a normal Trump guy.
He doesn't hunt.
But it'll be fun to- to debate that with him, because he'll know the origin of deer and, you know, why they're herbivores, which seems idiotic to me.
Eat a mouse, you stupid deer.
So, he pedals away.
I don't get to discuss the hate and ignorance industry, but for the record, stranger, it sucks.
I was booted out of comedy.
I was booted out of every other industry.
I ran an ad agency called Rooster, and I was booted out for saying trans people are mentally ill gays.
I still believe that.
Actually, Dave, can you play my computer?
Yeah, I got it.
So, I was mocked for saying that- I am firmly- I was mocked for saying that- that trans are mentally ill gays.
I lost my ad agency.
We were bought by Havas, which is a huge ad agency.
French ad agency.
So, luckily, we were already paid.
But, this- you want to talk about the hate and ignorance industry?
Not taking trans people seriously, that- that's- that's really what- what this show comes down to, this episode of the podcast comes down to.
It's not that you disagree with them, You have to do more than agree with them.
You have to take their argument and run with it and love it.
So, if someone takes a knee, some rich murderer, like, what's his name?
Ray Lee, the football player.
He murdered two black people.
If you don't take a knee with him, then you're racist.
If you don't enthusiastically support idiotic, hypocritical gestures, then you are in the KKK.
And so, for me, not supporting these trans people, who, by the way, I grew up as a weirdo.
I've known trans people since the 80s.
And I've seen them develop.
And they commit suicide, they change their minds.
They're not exactly a stalwart of society.
But, uh, this was Norm MacDonald talking to Caitlyn Jenner.
And, uh, I just want you to know...
That I lost my entire career in advertising, which I'm actually kind of glad about because I hated it.
But I lost my entire career in advertising for not giving this demographic enough credit.
Ready?
You'll be able to tell who's Norm and who's Caitlyn.
I am firmly on the side of womanhood now, but I am not a woman.
He's reading from Caitlyn Jenner's book.
Nor will I ever be.
Three sentences later, I use the woman's restroom because I am a woman.
I change my gender.
I'm aversive to female because I am a woman.
So there's a little confusion there, right?
Not for me.
What's wrong with that?
Well, here it says I am not a woman.
Here it says I am a woman.
Okay.
That.
Um, uh, I-- By the way, you know what also is going on there?
I guarantee it.
I guarantee that book was ghostwritten and I guarantee Z hasn't read it and had never heard that paragraph before.
Guarantee!
Now obviously on the show when I say guarantee, you can't sue me.
I don't literally guarantee it.
But it's a figure of speech and I'm very, very sure.
I feel very strongly.
So anyway, that guy disappears.
That was two nights ago.
Bye-bye.
I scoured the streets.
Was I gonna fight him?
I don't know.
I definitely felt inclined.
That's the beauty of anyone messing with you when your family's nearby.
You can finally have a fight.
Bass Stickman said this to me once.
He goes, gotta be honest with you, dude.
I don't like violence, but I kind of like justified violence.
Someone hits a chick or something and I'm there and I'm pounding him.
That feels good.
I don't want to just pound someone randomly.
But when you're doing, when you're righteous, it's kind of fun.
I've actually heard cops say that too, when they're chasing a bad guy.
It's like hunting humans, one of them said to me once.
He was retired, he goes, I miss it.
Anyway.
I would have pounded him and it would have felt great.
Most fights are just a misunderstanding.
I had a guy that wanted to fight me the other day because I didn't return his text.
How am I going to drum up the gumption to have a fight?
Oh yeah, well sometimes I don't return texts.
That's just the way I am with texts.
Yeah!
Braveheart!
And then this-- then last night, No, just two nights ago.
This is very weird.
You ready for this?
You know, I'm gonna start a blog soon, and I'm gonna have, uh, I'm gonna have a list of the, uh oh, someone's texting me.
I'm selling one of my properties.
And this guy.
God, selling a property is so boring.
One of the things this guy said when he's buying it is, I want to make sure you don't take the thermostats away, because I want those to stay there.
I don't even know how to take a thermostat away.
How do you do that?
You just rip it out of the wall?
So the guy buys a house.
I assume it's freezing if it's in the winter, and there's just a red and blue wire hanging out of the wall.
I'm not going to take the thermostats, dude.
Relax.
Um, but yeah, I'm pulling up my phone to tell you what was in my car two nights ago.
It was a pack of luxury cigarettes Made by Sherman's MCD.
Nat Sherman, it says on the box.
You open up this cigarette box, and inside, there is the following message.
And when I get my website going, I'll always have sort of visual representation, so when you hear the podcast, it'll be like Howard Stern, where he goes, go to howardstern.com, and you can see this prostitute's face.
I'll show all these pictures.
I think it's gonna be Get Off My Lawn.
Well, I won't say what it's called.
Stop using animals' skins.
Sick.
I'm saying sick because he had no apostrophe S on animals.
Animals suffer a cruel and painful end.
Dash.
Do not buy leather.
Comma.
Do not wear fur.
No end to sense.
So the grammar's all over the place.
And then much smaller font.
Please.
So, I'm not a leather guy.
I was a vegetarian for 15 years.
I'm not particularly vocal about leather or fur or vivisection or animal rights.
I don't discuss it.
It's not a subject that I feel passionate about anymore.
In fact, I'm very sympathetic to the vegetarian cause and I think they do suffer a cruel and painful end.
So, why the hell is this in my car?
Anyway, this chips away at your marriage.
These kind of things.
Because your job as a man is to protect the family.
If the kids are in danger, then you lose your appeal.
And I think married men don't understand that you're always on your first date.
Like, I don't fart around my wife.
Every time you fart around your wife, a blowjob loses its wings.
You have to... I use a different bathroom than my wife.
You know, I put on a nice shirt even if I'm not going out that day.
I'm always trying to seduce her.
You don't want to let her down.
And similarly, ladies, you know, we know you're not going to do the vacuuming in high heel shoes, but don't have your sweatpants on and picking your nose and stuff.
Keep the marriage alive.
Always be on your first date.
And I actually know, speaking of this whole protecting the family thing, I know of a guy who was so tired from partying all night.
He was driving the family.
He wasn't drunk, but he was exhausted.
He fell asleep while driving and rolled their car with the kids in the car.
His wife never got over that.
And they're divorced now.
I also know of a family where the kid was sick and so the dad thought, oh, I'll do that thing where you boil water and put a towel over the boiled water and she can inhale the condensation.
He screwed that up and gave her a steam burn on her arm when she was a baby.
And apparently, you know, a steam burn is the worst kind of burn you can have.
She had to go in intensive care.
She went into a state of shock.
That mom never got over that and they got divorced.
So I'm thinking here, whether it's justified or not, is she going to leave me?
So I have to show her that I'm not going to let her get hurt.
Now our home is Fort Knox.
I've got cameras everywhere.
Security.
I've got panic buttons.
Security alarm has panic buttons.
I've documented everyone who drives by.
I got everything.
I didn't have a camera in the driveway, so I didn't see the cigarette pack guy.
But I do now.
And so I slept in the car last night with all the windows open, with my weapons and my dog.
My stupid little Havanese dog that I don't hate because that's too much emotion.
I feel nothing for this dog.
If a truck ran over my dog, I would feel bad because I think the kids are going to cry.
But for me personally, it would be like looking at a stuffed animal get it run over by a car.
I'm sorry if that offends you.
I'm just telling you facts.
I have had this dog for two years.
I don't like it or dislike it.
It's just an animal.
I feel nothing.
And I'm not one of these, like, I hate animals guys.
I love other dogs.
I wish I got a German Shepherd I could wrestle when I get home.
Get it, you little!
It does that fake bite it does on your hand.
Oh, you got me now?
You think you can take your old man?
This is just a little Paris Hilton dog.
It's a Havanese black and white perpetual puppy.
And he's a pussy.
I brought him in the car, and I need him there for, you know, because he can hear, you know, someone walking 10 feet away.
He's my little alarm.
And I notice he's shaking.
Now, it was about 65 degrees last night.
He's wearing a fur coat, okay?
You're not cold.
And I realize he's shaking with fear because he's outside.
We had all the windows down and the sunroof open because I wanted to hear everything.
And I wanted them, if there's another cigarette pack attack coming, I wanted them to see open windows where they could just toss it.
I know these threats are not a big deal, by the way.
I know that a cross-eyed guy taking off his glasses, uh, a, a, uh, what's the word, uh, an irreverent quip, a snarky quip on a bicycle, and a cigarette pack are not a big deal.
But when you culminate that with the talk on the train and the... I saw that same train guy at the tavern the other day, by the way, sort of whispering, and I think he was waiting for me outside, not to fight, but to bore me, worse than fighting, to bore me with his Hillary politics.
So when you put all these together with Antifa and everything, you go, you know, this is a threat.
So I have to be ready and I had to hug him all night to stop him from shaking with fear.
I go, dude, I just want your larynx, okay?
I don't need anything else.
I just want your barking voice box here so I can, so you'll wake me up if someone comes by.
And as I'm lying there last night, and it wasn't cold, by the way, because I have the technology on sleeping bags.
Coleman, I'm plugging you right now.
Your little self-inflating pads you have now are wonderful.
This sleeping bag, if I put it over my head, I'd be too hot.
Wonderful technology.
So I mean, you're warm as a bug, and you don't have to snuggle up or anything, movie dads.
And I thought, wait a minute.
What am I going to do?
Like, if you hear a noise in your house as a dad, and we don't get enough respect for this, you hear like... In the middle of the night, you go, well, someone got through the alarm somehow.
I have to go kill him.
And he's probably a junkie if he's this brave.
And getting caught means he's going to prison.
So he's going to want to fight hard.
So you're walking around the house with a baseball bat, totally nude, I sleep nude, ready to murder a man.
To brain some junkie with a baseball bat.
So your adrenaline's pumping.
Ladies, it's hard for us to get back to sleep after that.
We were ready for a ring match to the death.
Literally to the death.
Uh, that's scary.
And then you also think, what am I, Jet Li?
Like I'm gonna, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
I'm not that good with a baseball bat.
I haven't trained baseball bat combat.
If I get him in the back of the head as he's rooting through our drawers, we're probably gonna be safe.
What if he grabs it and starts braining me?
Now I've got this jelly brain, my kids see the most horrific image imaginable, and he runs away with our jewelry.
Of which we have none, if you're listening, thieves.
I don't understand B&Es, break-and-enters in this day and age.
What are you stealing from the house?
There's nothing there.
So that makes more sense than what I'm talking about because I'm in a car.
I'm in a Jeep.
I'm in an SUV.
My dad actually did this, by the way, once.
There was these kids that were running through our backyard.
This is in my book.
And he hears them.
They're doing stupid suburban vandalism.
He's from the slums of Glasgow.
He's a brawler.
He looks like Karis 1.
His nose has been broken so many times.
And he jumps out the window, nude.
Catches one of them as they're all jumping over the fence, yanks him back down, and pulverizes the guy while my dad is nude.
So the guy's not only getting beaten up by an old bald man who looks like groundskeeper Willie, he's also seeing his pendulous organs, his genitalia, swing in the night breeze as he gets pounded.
How traumatizing is that?
My dad has a criminal record for it.
Assaulting a young boy, a 14-year-old.
I gotta be ready for that, but in the van, I'm thinking, what do I do with the cigarette guy?
What do I do with the baseball bat?
I sort of go, boom, and crack him in the nose like a pool cue.
Because I can't swing, obviously, there's no swing room.
So I just have to go, boop.
And then I'm lying there thinking, as my dog Leroy shivers, even if he was at Madame Tussauds, and they propped him up next to the open window of my car, I'm not even sure then I could do good damage.
You know, it's really, if you've ever been in a fight, landing a fist on a nose is a pipe dream.
Nine out of ten punches hit the top of his ear.
The people are moving around.
It's very, very difficult landing a good punch, or I assume a good pool cue baseball bat.
So then I think, well there's the knife, but what am I going to do?
Slit your juggler vein for throwing a cigarette message in my car?
And then we get to the gun.
Uh, it's the loudest thing on Earth, right?
So it would change- we'd have to move.
I'd be the guy who killed the guy.
POW!
Wake up the whole neighborhood.
And there's five!
So that the only time the gun makes sense is if I see, you know, anti-FUD types coming to the door and it's clear they're armed.
But even then I might fire a warning shot?
I don't know.
But now, as a Christian, I'm not that excited about killing stupid, brainwashed, communist, 22-year-old rich kids.
I don't want them to die.
I want them to leave me alone.
So I've got a litany of tools here in the car I don't want to use.
And I'm sitting there farting, which I don't think the dog dislikes.
And I'm listening to every single sound, every car that goes by.
I'm sitting up.
The neighbors come home.
That was the most action we had all night.
And then at one point, So confusing.
There's water shooting all over my bushes.
And I think, these guys are very sinister.
They're like the Joker.
They've unscrewed my garden hose just enough that water sprays into my bushes and then disappeared into the night.
It's kind of a brilliant move.
It's a very sadistic sort of mind bad word.
And then I realized, no, we have automatic sprinklers.
I'm just, they happen at four in the morning.
I've never heard them before.
I guess I should have those closed.
And so I guess I go, I just wait till the sun comes up, I guess.
I mean, I've done it before.
I was in Costa Rica as a young man and I brought this girl home.
It's very, we were in Montezuma, Costa Rica.
I had a house there and it's a surf town.
So it takes, if you don't have a private jet to take you there, we would, we would get on these little Sansa flights that are like 300 bucks.
If you didn't do that, then it can be a day to get there, even though it's only 150 miles.
So it's mostly dudes, and occasionally a chick will make the pilgrimage out to Montezuma.
Montefuma Coca Rica, they used to call it, because there's so much drugs.
And I get her home, and we're stoned.
And, uh, we're gonna horse around.
And then she starts getting paranoid.
And she starts having a bad trip, and she thinks someone's gonna kill us.
And I'm like, come here, come here, just take your shirt off.
And she talks about it for so long, and she's pushing me away, that I stop hitting on her, and then I start getting scared myself.
And then she gives me a bad trip.
You know, bad trips are contagious.
So we're both sitting there, waiting to die, listening to every sound, because there are weirdo murderers in, uh, in Montezuma.
My friend Nadine, who passed away recently, she called it Camp Murderer, because someone will hit a kid drunk driving in Texas and just keep driving till they get to Costa Rica and live there.
It's where murderers go to hide, so it's a justified fear.
But anyway, I remember the sun finally came up at 5.30 in our little sort of half-hotel, half-tent thing.
And she goes, aren't you so happy?
Aren't you so happy we're alive?
And I go, no!
The fact that we're alive proves that you were wrong, that someone was trying to kill us, and we just stayed up all night living in petrified fear because you gave me a bad trip with your stupid bad trip.
That's how I felt this morning, when the sun came up.
And we were all okay, and I could go back in, but I noticed when I was going back in and putting the gun away, and everything, my wife was up to take the kids to school, and I could tell I was vindicated.
She was happy again.
I had sort of atoned for my sins, and I had re-established myself as the protector of the family, because I was willing to kill for this family.
I have no idea how that was gonna happen, but I was going to kill people who leave messages about vegetarianism in my car.
It- it's one of the- I remember when I was about 10, Barry Pablo wanted to kick my ass at Earl of March Secondary School in Canada, Ontario.
I've met- I found him on Facebook and told him this and he says I'm lying.
He had blocked it out, but he said he's gonna kick my ass.
I've always- people always wanted to kill me, by the way.
Probably because I'm incredibly charming and women like me.
So Barry was was he took martial arts and stuff and he's gonna kick my head off.
So the horrible thing about elementary school and you hear all these people bitching about bullying and I was harassed by the police and you don't know what it's like to be me and dude growing up in the 70s there was a fight every three days and You know, you talk about cops harassing you?
Try being in a band that opens for the band Millions of Dead Cops.
Cops tortured us.
They messed with us everywhere we went, and that was the game.
We took it.
But anyway, uh, Barry Publo says he's gonna fight me tomorrow at 3.20.
So you're sitting there with, you know, it makes- I'm Scottish, I have a weak stomach.
It gives me gas knowing I'm gonna be in a fight in 24 hours.
So that night I go home and I- I planned the fight.
That morning, I was punk at the time.
I had an army coat that had these weird little clips in it.
I don't even know what it was for.
Bullets or something?
It had these little loops sewn into the interior of the jacket.
So I put shish kebab sticks.
You know the kind where you're gonna make a shish kebab hot vegetables?
I don't understand why anyone does that.
Why are you cooking vegetables?
But my mom had about 20 of those, so I put those in my coat.
Having no clue what was going to happen with those.
I was going to what?
Pull them out of my jacket like Wolverine?
Now what?
Sink them into his neck and kebab Barry Pablo?
What happened was he did a roundhouse kick, I believe it's called.
And he gave him, he did it with such adrenaline-fueled velocity that he turned himself into a fidget spinner.
And he almost took off like a helicopter into the sky.
He did a roundhouse kick that picked up his other foot, turned him into a starfish, and just sent him spiraling to the ground where he knocked the wind out of himself.
And everyone cheered and high-fived me, and I won.
But that fight, that kebab, was just as stupid as...
Last night with the car, but it was my duty as a dad to be ready to protect my home.
And the irony of all this is it's based on a myth.
It's based on a myth that Trump supporters are Nazis.
It's based on a myth that these left-wingers are freedom fighters.
It's all fashion and it's ironic because this is what I discovered when I was a teenager with the punks fighting the Nazi skinheads.
I realized it was just rich white kids fighting poor white kids.
Now, in my suburb, we have rich white people fighting rich white people.
And, you know, I'm recognized everywhere I go, but I'm never recognized in black neighborhoods.
I'm never recognized in Hispanic neighborhoods.
And I'm not just talking about old black guys, you know, who work in construction.
I mean like black hipsters.
They don't know who I am.
This whole controversy, this whole punch a Nazi thing is all different classes of white people.
And that's been the history of these kind of conflicts.
It's various posh, and it's a very British phenomenon.
It's various posh upper-middle class people looking down on other people for not being sophisticated enough when it comes to the issue of the day.
And the issue of the day is race, and everyone is petrified of being remotely associated with anything racial.
Which would be fine if I was that way.
You know, if I was... Richard Spencer would love to debate you.
He goes on ESPN all the time and defends his views.
He's available.
Why don't you focus on the actual bad guys?
And I got plenty of bad stuff to discuss.
I'd love to discuss it with you.
Anyway, this podcast, oh yeah, I meant to mention this too before we get into what this podcast is.
And as you may have guessed, this podcast is about meandering topics and things that I can't get to on the show because the show is very boom, boom, boom.
You know, we had the Tennessee Church Shooter.
We had Fleckus Talks.
He's got to come in and show his stuff.
That's episode one.
Episode two, we have Pranav Jandelaya, who was attacked, knocked unconscious by anti-fuff just for being a conservative on campus.
And again, you want to talk about how horrible it is to be minority or in a bad part of town?
Conservatives on campus get spat on on a regular basis.
There's an ism for you.
I broke down on the show last week, I broke down all the different types of Antifa.
I think you can be broken into four, arguably five groups.
There's the academics who tell these kids what to do.
There's the lawyers and the mayors and the politicians who corral them.
Now the lawyers, I find them to be lesbian lawyers.
These lawyers and these mayors could be separated as a group.
These lawyers are also academics too, like Yvette Flark is a teacher.
So the top brass are all sort of intertangled.
They're all academics in a way, they're all politicians in a way.
And then there's the foot soldiers, and they're broken into these...
These crazy women, these childless women who have had a baby taken away from them by feminism and replace it with just vitriol and violence and erratic behavior.
They're like robots who got wet and they're just going, kill him, punch Nazi!
When they should be holding a child and enjoying their life.
And then there's the Lost Boys, similar to feminism, you know, these guys could be dads, they could be working all night, but instead they're smashing people with bike locks and stabbing people and going to jail.
Just had some guy, and I feel sympathy for this guy, unlike most conservatives, just went to jail for five years, prison, for throwing a flare gun in a cop car.
Now he thought he was attacking someone who hunts blacks for sport.
He wasn't.
He was attacking someone who was there to protect him.
But because of that, That misunderstanding, or that lie, that propaganda that we got from the academics, he thinks he's doing a good job.
How are we doing for time?
Because I want to talk about my trip to Britain.
How are we doing, Dave?
We've got another 25 minutes.
Okay, so I went on vacation to England.
I like to visit this punk band I liked as a kid called Crass, and they have a sort of an anarchist co-op farm called Dial House in Essex.
Let me go there with the kids.
It's a really cute idea.
There's a local farmer boy named Tom, and he put up a poster on a tree.
Maybe Sophie was a little kid then, so maybe 7 to 10 years ago.
And it said, Welcome to Tom's Fantastic Arts Club!
It's gonna be great!
And he put up these posters on trees in the forest in this farm.
Now, their anarchist co-op thing is near our nature preserve.
So there's no one for miles and miles and miles.
It's illegal for there to be anyone for miles and miles and miles.
So there's no way anyone's going to come to this.
So G. Voche, who was sort of the artist behind Crash, she did all their... She sort of is responsible for the Antifa look.
The sort of stenciling letters and everything, that's her.
In fact, if you look at Antifa, you'll see a lot of her work and Crass's symbols on them.
And we talk about this.
I think they know they created a monster.
And they were having trouble with these guys even back when they were around, because they said everyone deserves a right to speak, even Nazis!
Which people don't seem to understand that free speech includes hate speech.
So she goes, I'm going to make Tom's Fantastic Arts Club eponymous.
It's going to be fantastic.
So she invites people from all over and his first arts club was packed.
We flew over.
There was people there from Tokyo.
There's people there from all over the world.
There was about 50 kids there.
And he goes, oh my God.
And it's funny because he's not really into art.
And I've seen him grow.
Now he's, he goes to farm college and he repairs tractors and he's a fascinating guy to talk to.
But he's a man.
He's 22 now.
This was back when he was 12.
Anyway, we keep going every year to Tom's Fantastic Arts Club.
Tom stopped going long ago.
He has to work.
And, uh, And then I hang out, I talk to Penny Rimbow, who arguably started the anarcho-punk movement, and, uh, you know, we disagree about many things.
I tell him my agenda, which is give everyone a gun, abolish prison.
He says, You realize, Gavin, if that happens, the next day there would be a race war.
He sees racism as this bubbling cauldron just waiting to overflow, and I totally disagree.
That is the myth.
Get out in America.
I was at that bar when my kid was at practice last night.
There's an old white guy talking to an old black guy.
You know what they have in common?
They're both in the Navy.
They have a lot more in common with each other than the white guy does with me.
They were both very happy.
You know, you go to the South.
Everyone's getting along.
Go to Charlottesville.
Yeah, you heard me.
Charlottesville.
Blacks and whites hanging out over it.
They say in the North they like blacks in theory but not in practice, and in the South they like blacks in practice but not in theory.
I think the dislike in both of those examples is very small.
Anyway.
Uh, we go there and we talk and we hang out and, uh, I went to London for a little while, too, just to check out, which I don't recommend with three kids.
It was a pain in the ass.
We rented an Airbnb that was clearly never lived in and just had no heart.
It was kind of depressing, but I had a plan.
And I thought, I see London as Londonistan, I think it was taken over by Islam.
I'm gonna take a picture of Big Ben and everything, and make sure there's a burqa woman in every shot, because it'll be easy to do.
Now here's the lesson I think conservatives need to learn, and we criticize the left for this all the time, but we have to be aware of this too.
Don't start with your conclusion, And fill in the data back from there.
NPR just did a thing on the Proud Boys and Dante Nero and this young lesbian girl, Zoe Chase.
She did, I could tell that she wrote her ending, which is, I started this group to co-opt, I don't know, the alt-right and make it non-racist so I could make money or market it or, I don't know.
I have a big agenda that she usurped all the fun from and made into this thing.
So I believe in her, this American life she just did.
She started with her conclusion and worked backwards from there.
A good journalist, a smart thinker, and an intellectual just plows forward.
You know, don't do the Michael Moore thing where you go, guns are Columbine, here's why.
Go, I'm gonna investigate Columbine, I wonder where this will take me.
And yes, two visits ago to London, I did think I went to Harrods and I saw nothing but Muslims.
My kids were asking me what a burqa is, why are all these women in garbage bags?
They didn't use that verbiage.
And so, I went out there thinking, I'm gonna get all these pictures.
I didn't see that at all.
In fact, I saw the opposite.
I saw Britain that is still Britain.
And I told Tommy Robinson this.
I met him at a pub after he was interrogated by cops, by the way, for daring to leave his house.
And he said, oh, you're on the West End, that's where they all, no, the East End, that's where they all went.
I go, I don't know, Tom.
I mean, before when I've talked to you, I've talked to you like you're a dying cancer patient, stage four, and I keep telling you you're going to live, but I secretly know you're going to die because England is doomed and demographically the number one name for babies is Mohammed, so you're done.
I don't feel that way anymore.
I still see Britain.
I saw Harrington's.
You know what a Harrington is?
It's that coat that has tartan on the inside, sort of golf jacket.
Steve McQueen made it popular in the 60s, so it's actually Brits sort of admonishing, no, worshipping yanks, or as they call them, septic tanks, or as they call them, septics.
I saw Harrington's, I saw Dr. Martin's, I saw pubs, I saw Geezer smoking, I saw, I went to the place Mick Jagger was born, I forget the name of the town, but, I went to Govan, I went to, I went to, um, I went to, uh, uh, what's it called?
Croydon.
And I saw Britain.
I saw pubs.
And so, I couldn't take pictures of Big Ben with Burka's, in fact I saw more Muslims in New York!
That hypothesis was gone.
And when I say that to Conservatives, they get mad at me because I'm not following the narrative.
So we are just as guilty, often, of this blind worship of the narrative.
In fact, I wrote an article about it recently.
I wrote an article saying, I think movies, kids' movies, are anti-capitalist.
And so I, I just grabbed what was popular on Fandango, and I watched every single one, and I wrote an article going, actually, I'm wrong.
Plenty of articles make, uh, capitalism cool.
And guns cool.
So, uh, we are seeing the left-wing kids' movies, and having selective memory, and ignoring the pro-America, pro-gun, pro-capitalism ones.
And I got so much pushback from conservatives going, oh, you sold out, you liar.
I also noticed this recently, I did an article on Tacky Mag about commercials.
And I said, all commercials are cuck commercials now.
Everyone has to be in a mixed marriage, which is separate from being a cuck, obviously.
But it's this sort of PC, diversity mongering, and white men are evil.
And then I just watched America's Got Talent, and I documented every single commercial on that top-rated show.
So I thought, that's a good litmus test.
And I saw plenty of capitalists, plenty of cool white guys, plenty of, of, of empowered dads, and I realized my hypothesis was wrong.
We have to be good journalists.
You know, the whole, the whole impetus for a lot of journalists today, and I talked to Jill Abramson at New York Times about this, is based on Robert Redford and, uh, Dustin Hoffman in that Watergate movie.
I forget what it's called.
That archetype is done.
And if you have any merit, if you have any character as a man, you need to just do that.
Pursue the truth.
Anyway, All the President's Men, that's what it's called.
So in London, I abandoned that narrative, and I was very happy to see London is back.
Or maybe I was wrong.
Maybe it never left.
I saw Britain's Britain.
Now, of course, the TV is government-run.
The BBC is owned by the government, so every time I watched TV, it was... They had a thing on Margaret Atwood and Handmaid's Tale.
Totally ignored the fact that she was inspired by the crimes against women she saw in Islam, in Iran, and the horrible tortures that women went through.
That inspired a Handmaid's Tale.
No, no, no.
It's about Trump.
Everything I saw On British TV ended with footage of swastikas, Nazi skinheads, and Trump.
I'm not exaggerating.
God, pedantic is what it is.
But when I was there, I was recognized everywhere.
And, uh, what are you doing in this posh neighborhood?
What are you doing in Chelsea?
And it was only in the city, of course.
I wasn't recognized in the country.
And it was, I don't agree with everything you say, mate, but I do agree with your right to say it.
Hi, I was an atheist, too, and then I met you, and I discovered God.
My parents are atheists also, as well, so it's interesting.
And I don't agree with everything you say, but they always said that.
We'd shake hands, and I'd talk to them on the street.
I just bought a secret bottle of Makers back when I was hiding it from my wife.
And I said, do you want a swig?
And we had a nice swig.
Actually, Makers is cheaper there than it is in my suburb.
So that was cool, and a wide range of guys, too.
All guys, but an East Indian guy, a rich guy, that sort of punky-looking guy on Kings Road.
And then at the airport, there's this couple, rich kids.
Again, the rich are my problem.
The Arthur Sulzberger Juniors.
And in the lineup, they go, that guy's a Nazi.
That guy's a Nazi!
They yell that from the lineup.
And I'm dealing with some stuff.
My daughter's passport has expired and she has a British passport, but...
We were going with the America.
I can't remember the details.
My kids have three passports.
So I've got this huge pile of passports and we're going through it.
And I'm dressed, by the way, kind of like traditional British.
I got Doc Martens shoes.
I got a Ben Sherman shirt.
So I fit their sort of National Front 1980s archetype, which has never died.
Speaking of the South Africa thing in Britain, Brits still talk about the National Front.
The National Front's been dead for a quarter century, but that's still a big danger.
The National Front, oh no!
So she says that to me, and I'm with my kids again.
What are you doing?
So I get, I leave the gate.
No, I don't leave the gate.
I leave the attendant there in my bag.
She's still going through the paperwork and calling this person, calling that person.
I've got time.
And I walk over to the lineup.
I go, what's the issue here?
What's your problem?
And this black woman, she had a black woman behind her and a black woman in front of her.
They both Instantly take her word.
Yes, this is a Nazi.
So they're consoling her and patting her on the back.
And she goes, just go.
Just go away, please.
Just go.
And I go, just tell me what your issue is.
You say I'm a Nazi in front of my kids?
That's a big allegation.
What's it based on?
What are you getting at?
I take a picture of her.
Because they're taking pictures of me, did I mention that?
And these people, it's all fashion to them.
They don't really believe that.
In fact, when I did my talk at NYU, I got up and I said, in a slightly Southern accent, I said, this is after I've been pepper sprayed, I said, we got three problems in this country.
The Negro, the Jew, and the woman.
And then I go, just kidding, just kidding.
But when I did the first part, my whole talk was, by the way, about this, that guy that they think they're fighting and how he doesn't even really exist.
He's certainly not me, but I don't think he's ever going to be at NYU.
He might be in the country in Alabama somewhere.
And you see this in documentaries.
They find these guys and they're in the woods somewhere.
But anyway.
When I did that guy, which only lasted 10 seconds, jaws dropped everywhere, right and left.
They were stunned, including the protesters.
They didn't go, see?
Told ya!
Told ya this guy's evil!
They were gobsmacked.
And I think they were gobsmacked because they don't really believe that this guy exists.
So, when I went up to this woman at the airport, and I said, what are you talking about?
What's your issue here?
It was, like, if it was a pedophile, like at that Jamaican place, I'd go, I'm talking about you showing up at a family place where there's just kids talking about sex and making everyone uncomfortable.
You're coming across as a pedophile.
Let's discuss it.
I think you're a pedophile.
That's what you do, right?
If you have the courage of your convictions.
These people don't.
It's just fashion.
It's just name-calling.
So, the black woman's patting her on the back, and then she says, You're making a woman cry!
And she starts crying.
Again, using the woman card, right?
And meanwhile, her boyfriend, if I'm a Nazi and I'm making your girlfriend cry, shouldn't you, like, slap me or something?
He stands there, eyes like golf balls, just staring at me.
He can't believe I've confronted him.
And I go, why'd you take my picture?
He goes, I didn't.
I didn't.
I didn't.
And then we cross paths again, as she's going to go to her because she was in the lineup, right?
And as she's walking by, I touch her arm as gently as you could imagine.
If I touched a moth with this kind of vehemence, the moth would be perfectly fine.
Like I can't show you because this is a podcast, but Like the slightest touch, and I go, are you okay?
You alright?
You wanna talk to my kids?
My kids, especially my youngest, they don't look white, so it's just pointing at them is making a point.
You wanna talk to my wife and my kids about this?
You wanna talk to the Indians about your Nazi allegation?
And she goes, don't touch me!
And then she goes, security!
And she calls security.
Because I touched her arm.
That's the kind of insanity I am dealing with being a Trump supporter who is funny, sorry to call myself funny, but who's funny and normal and basically has the same politics as your dad.
You know, everyone talks about Proud Boys political affiliations, and no one talks about the Knights of Columbus political affiliations.
Now, I'm a member of the Knights of Columbus, I'm a third degree, and you go there, I'm not allowed to talk about the meetings, but a normal thing is, hey, Merry Christmas!
Are we still allowed to say that?
And there's a liberal at our particular chapter in Hell's Kitchen.
You know, he doesn't get beat up.
We watch the Rangers game, we eat hot dogs, we do our ceremonial stuff.
And there's visible minorities there, of course.
Plenty, actually.
It's New York City, dummies.
But the politics are just sort of a given.
You know, we stand for the flag.
We pledge our allegiance.
We pray.
We're not excited about Islam.
We think immigration is a mess and open borders don't work.
We don't really care if you're gay.
No one wants to throw you off a building.
We just don't want to hear about it every 10 seconds.
And gay marriage?
Eh.
I mean, I've talked about this before.
I was pro-it when you told me it was just two people in love.
Now I'm changing my mind, because I'm thinking, no, you just wanted to sabotage Christianity.
You had a hidden agenda there.
I don't trust you anymore.
Feminism, we think, has morphed into just antagonism.
And you sure deserve the right to vote.
You sure deserve the right not to be in the kitchen if that's what's good for you.
But, in 2017, third wave, or whatever wave we're on now, is it fourth yet?
Seems to be about making women childless, and making them into men, and making them miserable.
So we tend not to like that.
Normal politics that you have.
You see, I don't believe that there's right and wrong.
My wife was saying that the other night.
We had a big fight about it because I said John McCain's not a hero, and she's Indian, and all Indians were in Vietnam, so they see McCain as a hero, and I'm somehow desecrating her entire tribe.
And I said, uh, I later proved he's not a hero, by the way, and all the stuff you hear about him is fake news, but anyway.
She says, well, we disagree.
You know, let's just agree to disagree.
And I go, no, honey.
There's no such thing as disagreeing.
You can disagree about music, okay?
Although sometimes I'm tempted to argue that.
But Jim Goad is right.
It's impossible to win an argument about music.
It's like food.
It's a taste.
But as far as other things, real things, consequential things like politics and abortion and immigration and climate change and all that stuff, there's no opinion.
There's just facts.
And you accrue data like a stack of pancakes and one has more than the other in all arguments.
So the guy with more pancakes has to explain to the guy with less pancakes why he's wrong and they should come aboard.
And I've done this by the way.
I had a liberal comedian friend.
It took me a year and a half, but I eventually convinced him that immigration is a mess and it's wrong and the way it works in America is not working.
I had to play dirty pool to do that and tell him.
The thing that got him over to my side was to say, immigration only benefits rich whites in both countries.
Rich whites like Vincente Fox in Mexico, and rich whites like everyone, every politician, Al Franken and his nannies here in America.
That's how I finally got on board.
It's a lot of work.
Sometimes I think it's not worth it, but I honestly don't believe that there are opinions.
I don't believe that there is... I only believe in facts.
I only believe in data.
And if you want to not waste your time with these people, just ask them some basic skill testing questions.
And I... Fleckis and I talked about this on the first episode of GOML.
Not the intro episodes, but the actual CRTV paywall one.
How many illegals are there?
And the kid said, even if there's a million, they deserve to be here.
Uh, there's between 15 and 30 million, and Ann Coulter makes a great argument for 30 million.
So, there's 30 times your hypothetical scenario, my friend.
And I-I-I think that's proof, when they don't know the numbers, that they don't really care, and that's why I hate them.
That's why I hate liberals, that's why I hate the left, because they're wasting my time.
They're pretending.
I know nothing about football.
I don't sit there and tell you why the Dallas Cowboys suck and why you're a fool to go for the Seattle Seahawks.
It's none of my beeswax.
I don't know anything about those teams.
Yet you talk to me about my teams like I'm an ignoramus.
And it's based on a few platitudes you read on a Facebook meme.
That wastes my time.
When you sit here and you talk to me about immigration and you've never looked it up, you're wasting my time.
And I'm a dad.
I got three kids.
My time is incredibly valuable.
It's sort of like when you go to a bar and you're talking to a drunk person about Bitcoin and he's explained to you cryptocurrency like you care.
And actually, if you're the person that's doing that, I did care, dude.
I did.
I'm sorry.
It's just a hypothetical example.
But when you're talking to some drunk who's slurring, not the Bitcoin guy, sorry, and you think, why aren't I at home talking to my wife?
You know, I heard Jerry Seinfeld on Howard Stern the other day and he goes, men who aren't married are mongrels.
It's true.
Your time is so sacrosanct after you get married.
And if you're lying to me about politics, you're wasting my time.
I'm trying to get smarter because I want to impart information to my kids.
I want it to be true.
I want my legacy to be information.
I want my legacy to be a grasp of the world.
I want my legacy to be memes.
No, I'm not talking about a funny Snuggles the Bear next to a picture of an Ewok that says, listens to Crass once.
I'm talking about the original dictionary definition of memes, which is conveying information, storytelling.
Character is a form of a meme.
You're conveying information and that's what separates humans from animals.
Animals get attacked by a saber-toothed tiger.
A monkey gets attacked by a saber-toothed tiger.
He goes, and no monkey ever knows that saber-toothed tigers are a problem.
It takes thousands of years of evolution to know.
I need to be wary of basically everything.
I'm going to hang out in a tree.
Humans...
Have storytelling, and they tell true facts.
Hey, other caveman, you know those weird giant cats with the huge fangs?
Those are called saber-tooth tigers.
They killed my wife, and they're really bad news.
Stay away from them.
If you see one, stab it.
Let's make a trap for them.
They're really, really bad.
Next thing you know, that guy who's never even seen a saber-toothed tiger shares that experience.
And that's why humans have developed bigger brains and been able to dominate the entire animal kingdom, because we can use other people's information.
That's what I think art is.
An artist, like Ryan McGinley, is a great photographer who goes out and parties when I met him.
He's more artistic now.
But he would do just party stuff.
And you could look at his pictures and go, now I'm partying in New York.
Even though I've never been to New York, you've imparted that experience to me.
Now my life is more full.
I have a bigger life.
When you read about Hemingway's adventures, or I'm reading a book now called Hero of the Empire about Churchill, and I'm reading about him escape as a POW in the Great Boer War.
I'm in the Great Boer War.
I have that, I've subsumed that experience now.
I'm better off for it, and I didn't have to die in South Africa before World War... I think it was one?
Was it a hundred years ago?
When you lie, you're basically that dude who wrote that book A Million Little Pieces.
You're giving us false information, you're giving us a false life experience, you're wasting our time.
And that is a violation.
You're in my body.
It's a mental rape when you lie to me and virtue signal and posture and pretend to be something you're not.
If you have a problem with someone, don't leave a cigarette pack in their car so they have to wait there the next night with a gun ready to blow your head off.
Discuss it with them.
If you think someone's a pedophile, tell them they're a pedophile and get them to leave.
If you think something's a threat, if you think someone's a Nazi, go up to them and go, I heard you're a Nazi, is that true?
Don't leave passive-aggressive messages because you're posturing, and that's fashion.
Fashion is fun.
If it's a pirate shirt, if you're going for the Vivian Westwood, Adam and the Ants look, or the Seinfeld pirate shirt, that's fun and silly.
But when you start applying it to people's lives, when you start applying it to policy, and the way people feel in their community, and children's lives, and someone's wife's social life, or someone's mother's social life, then you're being a fascist.
And that's not what America is about.
America is about the exact opposite of that.
America is about freedom, it's about nature, and nature is about God.
And the Constitution comes from the big guy upstairs.
And the Constitution says, let's stop telling each other what to do and be as free as possible.
If someone wants to mess with you, get armed, handle it yourself.
If someone doesn't, then they're on our team.
As we always say on this show, It's people who want to be left alone and people who won't leave them the hell alone.
