Get Off My Lawn Podcast #4 | People In New York Smell Bad
Today we introduce several controversial ideas including the notion that you really don’t enjoy frozen french fries but you eat them out of habit. We examine the difference between the left’s enforcement of their own dogma and the right’s ability to simply hope people adhere to decency. And finally, what about Trump making a special day for each color like, “National Blue Day” where everyone wears blue to work. It would be stupid and fun which is what the West is all about.
In fact, it went so well that I felt drained after.
Um, and no, that's not sexual, you perverts.
But I feel like a person has X amount of chi in this body.
X amount of energy.
X amount of oomph, pizzazz.
As they said, I'm with Dale and I. And after sort of really trying to dazzle on that show, I was kind of dead after.
But on the way there, there was two Krusty Punks.
And Krusty Punks in 2017, they're not very punk.
Like they play ukuleles and stuff and they do folk music.
God, they're disgusting.
And they smell so bad.
I get annoyed with some immigrants from Pakistan in the yellow cabs in New York.
They're all from Lahore, and they sometimes smell bad.
And they smell like the way I would smell if I worked a 14-hour shift and drank tons of coffee and, you know, barely ate.
Your body starts digesting itself, and that's not a nice smell.
So I got problems with that and I make it very vocal when that happens because you're putting your human waste into my body.
I actually explained this on that Milo interview.
But with Krusty Punks, it's different.
It's more homeless.
It's more intense.
And it's this sort of a...
Really tangy, sweet smell.
Almost like cotton candy mixed with a cadaver.
And one of the reasons I have a big mustache is because I lived in New York since the late 90s and I put my mustache up into my nostrils when I get that.
And I don't have to smell it as much.
It's a nice filter.
I remember reading about aristocrats in the 1800s in Britain.
They would take a hanky and soak it in orange perfume and they would put it up against their nose when they walked by the homeless.
That sounds very classist, you know, if you live in Colorado in 2017, but In New York, I hear that story and go, where are these available?
Do you have a box of wet wipes that are orange perfume flavored and they can be applied as mustache wax?
Because I want them.
And so I'm looking at these crusty punks with their sporadic tattoos and their wood ukuleles on a rope.
and I'm smelling there's sort of a weird crotch sort of a genitalia pungent rotten candy like if you poured milk on Halloween candy and put it in a plastic bag with a wet bathing suit for a year and then opened it in your face kind of a smell and I just go oh god now I'm wearing a three-piece suit with a pink tie and a pink pocket handkerchief so I look like a pretentious aristocrat which I am
And they're sort of looking back at me like, oh, Mr. Rich Pants, what's your matter?
You don't like poor people?
They don't have an accent that cool.
They're definitely rich kids themselves for the most part, right?
So they're from the suburbs of Philadelphia and San Francisco, and they're pretending that they're playing homeless for a while.
They jump the trains.
Often get their legs cut off.
I know that sounds insane, but these Krusty Punks who ride the trains, they'll be drinking a bunch of 40s and they'll fall and they'll get, they'll fall in the tracks and they'll get their legs cut off.
I come from that world, by the way.
That's why I know this.
I remember in the, in the, I got into punk in the early 80s.
And I saw the crusty thing happening in the 90s, early 90s, and I went, eh, I think I'm out.
A lot of you are paralyzed and you have facial tattoos and you're rich kids pretending to be homeless.
It's gross.
And it literally is gross.
I mean, this smell.
You hear cops talk about how smelling a dead body is a smell you never get over and you can just conjure it up anytime you want.
This is how they smelled.
It was one of those sticks-in-your-craw smells, but it sticks in your nasal capacity.
And I talked to Milo about it when I got to the interview.
And he goes, did you know, actually, that, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, um, did you know that the conservatives, those on the right, have a much more sensitive gag reflex?
This is a guy, by the way, who gets up to sexual things that I don't even want to read about in hieroglyphics.
But he says, yeah, yeah, yeah, we actually, We are much more sensitive.
That's not how he talks.
I'm doing like the king's speech now.
But I believe him.
He was saying that, yeah, we're more sensitive to gross stuff.
And that's clear.
That's clear politically.
They're more tolerant of disgusting things.
I just saw a woman.
She was like a Slovenian artist or something.
And she had locked herself in a room with dogs for many months.
And she had induced her breasts to lactate.
And she was then feeding the dogs.
She also was taking cells from her body and breeding them with the dogs.
To make, I don't know what, not a person, right?
Not a dog man?
This is like Alex Jones.
Remember that lunatic Alex Jones who said they're making the frogs gay?
And then we look it up and we go, actually yeah, amphibians are having trouble with gender assignment genetically because there's so much pollution and estrogen in the water.
And amphibians are very sensitive to water, obviously.
They're 50% water dwellers.
If you see red F's, In your neighborhood, then you have great water there because bad water means no amphibians.
And you realize Alex Jones isn't a nut.
He's just a guy who speaks in a hyperbolic way about the truth.
And yes, liberals, artists are breastfeeding puppies and trying to breed with them.
That's a fact.
There are flat earthers!
Although they tend to be, I think, pretty left, uh, right-wing.
Like Tila Tequila.
But anyway.
Those reekers on the train, they personify the unbridled decadence of the left.
And as someone who's been there, I remember sort of watching my friends drift.
And going, guys, uh, I think you're confusing a joke or a fashion trend or a parody with reality.
You know this is a phase, right?
Like with Dash Snow when he OD'd on heroin.
He wanted to be, this is my conjecture, obviously.
This whole show is my conjecture.
It's not, it's not, I'm not the Webster's Dictionary.
But I couldn't help but think he was known as the bad boy of New York.
This is my friend Dash Snow.
He's an artist.
He was in a sort of a crew in New York in the early 2000s called IRAK.
I-R-A-K.
And RAK to these kids means stealing.
So I steal.
And then he got so into his persona that he thought, man, if I die, if I become a junkie and die, then I'll always be known as that Dash Snow, like Sid Vicious or something.
And you go, yeah, but Sid Vicious is like a Christmas card.
He's like a picture on a piece of cardboard.
He's not a person.
He has no legacy.
He has no children.
He's not real.
His mother's dead, his father's dead, he's gone now.
He's just like a song.
He's really... Sid Vicious is a song.
And Dash Snow, with a beautiful daughter and a lovely wife, or girlfriend, whatever she was, he cut himself out of that so he could be a Christmas card.
And you go, okay, I'll put you on my mantelpiece.
I actually had a beautiful print, a Ryan McGinley print.
It's worth probably half a million bucks today, I don't know.
And it was Dash Snow snorting Coke.
You know, when he was 16.
And I don't want that in my house.
I actually have no idea where it is.
I would log it to movie sets back when I had a potential as an actor.
And uh... That sounds lame.
But um...
I thought, I don't want this on my wall, because my kids say, who's that?
Oh, that's a guy I used to know, who's dead now, because he wanted to be an icon, he did tons of heroin.
Oh, okay.
Thanks for the heads up, Dad.
Maybe I'll try that.
My dad clearly reveres drug addicts.
Same with Sid Vicious.
I have a great four foot by four foot print of a Polaroid of Sid Vicious that I like, but I'm not putting that on my wall.
I don't want my kids to see a junkie on the wall.
Liberals, however, don't seem to get that connect.
And you know who that hurts?
Illiberals.
You know who Islam hurts?
Muslims.
Like Somalia.
Who was damaged by?
Wasn't there a massive explosion there?
Can you look that up, Dave?
Big explosion there recently.
I've got my door creaking behind me because I'm at home.
I like that, though.
The studio should be the professional place, and this place can have noises.
It can have beeps.
It can have dogs barking.
That's color.
Mogadishu truck bomb, at least 20 dead after huge explosion in Somali capital.
Liberals don't get this.
They say- I remember David Cross said, uh, after 9-11, he goes, I know that it was about our foreign policy because the guy who did it, Osama Bin Laden, said it was about our foreign policy.
I said, Dave, you're imbuing all of this authority on a lunatic.
Lunatic rich kid, by the way, who went to American schools and decided, I'm going to be a blue collar warrior.
Same with Gandhi, with his stupid rags all over his arms.
He was a rich kid in a suit and he went, oh, I'm going to be a man of the people.
Hello.
You need to stop.
Get the Brits out.
It's sort of like, have you noticed that with mulatto students, college kids, they tend to be much more radical than like a normal black dude.
I feel like I know more normal black dudes than most white people.
And they're not political.
They don't have their fist in the air.
Even those guys with their fist in the air at the Olympics, have you noticed they had different gloves on?
Or it should be more specifically, the same gloves?
One had his right fist in the air, the other had his left fist in the air.
You know why that was?
Because one of them forgot his gloves.
So he's yeah, oh my god, I would love to see a comedy sketch of that They'd never do it ever but one of the guys going wait a minute.
What's going on?
I want I I want to wear gloves, but I forgot my gloves.
You're kidding me.
You forgot your gloves Look dude, it's the Olympics.
I was all caught up, but I want to get involved.
I'm not backing out I Okay, how about this?
You wear my left hand glove.
Actually, I'm putting too much authenticity on them.
They probably didn't give a crap.
The guy with the two gloves probably went, no problem, man.
Here, you wear my left glove, I'll wear the right glove.
And then they did that.
So one guy has his right arm in the air, the other guy has his left arm in the air.
I saw them in the news recently.
They owed us hell.
But yeah.
This whole political racial thing doesn't really, blacks don't tend to talk like that.
Most people don't tend to talk like that.
It's a predominantly white, upper middle class thing to be obsessed with identity politics and race and justice and not ethics because they're not ethical and not morals because they're not moral.
But I don't know, civil rights or something.
Trying to, you know, staple the 1960s onto 2017.
To ignore 100 years seems to be a predominantly upper-middle class, well-educated, white thing.
And it's tedious.
And that is why, maybe, that's why I barf more.
Maybe that's why these people literally make me barf.
You should have smelled this.
And when they got off the train, I thought, and also by the way I have to worry about those people because they might want to punch me because they punch Nazis and in their mind I'm a Nazi and I'm famous so they know who I am.
So I'm sort of ready to fight also when I smell this.
So when they got out of the car of the train, I literally could breathe easier.
I thought here we are in a in a colloquialism that's live and real.
I feel safer.
I can breathe easier.
Actually, walking around New York sometimes, I start thinking, I'm going to need a knife in my briefcase.
I don't mean a knife in my briefcase, I mean a briefcase with a knife function.
Where I can slide the handle, and a knife comes out of the bottom.
And then I can stab you in the neck, and then it goes back in.
And then if the police confiscate my briefcase, they can look at it and it will look like a normal briefcase.
Can someone out there who's good at this kind of stuff help me?
I want a briefcase where a knife can shoot out of the bottom corner.
Oh, I'm actually giving it away right now in the court of law.
Shoot.
That's the end of that.
But anyway, here's a concept that just died by being publicized.
You have a thing not a button because the police would see a button but like a like a thing like a
on the handle where you push it forward and then slide the top backwards and then a knife comes out of the bottom right and you stab the guy that's trying to kill you obviously you don't randomly stab people it's self-defense and then you put it back and then the guy goes he stabbed me he's insane and you go okay uh officer here's my briefcase i don't know what this guy's talking about i don't have a knife and then the cops at least are going to assume that you threw the knife away
So I'm thinking these kind of thoughts as I walk around New York, head to my Milo thing.
And I'm also thinking about Dana Lash, who I should get on the show soon.
I gotta say, since I moved from Compound Media to CRTV, people are open to being on the show.
And it might just be the lack of swear words.
I don't know what it is, but the plan is coming to fruition.
The plan with this show was, To retain the ideals, retain the important stuff, patriarchy, you know, West is the best, Western chauvinism, all that stuff, capitalism, the Constitution being the main thing.
Retain all that.
But make it such that, you know, if my kids ever heard it, they wouldn't be mortified, and I could get it out to a new audience, this message.
Which is, by the way, the most benign message ever, which is just, your dad wasn't wrong.
All those things your dad said to his friends at the bar 20 years ago were correct.
Illegal immigration is bad.
Gays?
Yeah, you're born gay.
I don't have a problem with it.
Just don't enforce it on me.
Don't make it affect my life.
Sexism?
Yeah.
You should be allowed to leave the kitchen, obviously.
You should be allowed to vote, but don't do it if you don't feel so inclined.
My radical right-wing politics are just normal things.
Anyway, I wanted to push that on a bigger audience, and it's happening.
I got Milo.
I got Pamela Geller.
I'm getting calls back.
I'm still gonna keep my weirdos though.
I think I got Copper Cab next week.
King Bunty, whatever his name is.
I'm still gonna have the freaks.
Because that makes for interesting contrast.
And I am a freak deep down.
But anyway.
I was thinking about Dana Lash and the suffering she endures.
It's not a very fashionable subject.
I remember I wrote an article once, I think it's on Tacky Magazine, it was about Will Ferrell and the life that celebrities lead.
And this is a strange segue to use because I'm not sure they deserve this or not, but I definitely know conservatives don't deserve their pariah status.
But, you know, I know a lot of celebs.
Because I've been in media for a while.
And I went to a baseball game with Will Ferrell, for example.
And he's trying to enjoy the game.
And the owners of the stadium come down.
They want him to do a promo for the Yankees.
And he goes, meh, I'm just going to enjoy the game, thanks.
And then he gets this kind of pissy attitude from the woman.
And she goes, well, we're, this is back when Land of the Lost was out.
And she goes, well, we're promoting Land of the Lost on the Jumbotron.
And he goes, OK, well, I appreciate that, but I'm not in the mood, basically.
He was very polite.
And this guy has to go through that every 10 minutes.
But another example is, and now I'm just name dropping.
These points aren't really relevant to my article.
I mean my point, but it helps me name drop and make you think I'm famous or cool.
Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston.
They live in a compound.
They have an armed guard by the gate, as all celebrities do in Beverly Hills.
You can't go grab a beer with Jennifer Aniston.
And isn't that a kind of jail?
Isn't that what Pablo Escobar had with his jail with giraffes and rhinos and everything?
I mean, I understand if you're jealous of that.
I'm not.
I really don't want to be in Pablo Escobar's super jail where he has this awesome, you have a giraffe flying around.
I actually knew a guy.
I had a home in Costa Rica for about 15 years.
And the guy I had looking after it, which you need to do, is a white guy, which you need to do.
I mean, a non-local.
Because the locals will slowly shrink your property.
They'll let someone plant tomatoes just by your gate and then move your gate in until you have nothing.
So you need, like, an American.
He can be black, by the way.
Sorry, it's not racist.
And, uh, anyway, he goes, you don't understand what's going on with me.
I, cause I would make fun of him all the time for complaining.
I'd go, oh, poor Jason.
He's in a tropical paradise.
And he'd go, dude, when you can't move, when you don't have a passport, when your friends don't know your real name, You're in jail, and I understand that you don't understand that, but you ought to try it.
He goes, if my mom died tomorrow, I actually think she did eventually die, and I think this happened.
He goes, I couldn't go to her funeral.
That cripples a man.
By the way, he's a surfer whose entire leg is tattooed with waves and fish and stuff.
So I'm giving him much more articulate vocabulary than he would speak.
And he spoke like a... Oh God.
He was... I love the guy, by the way.
Great guy.
But he did... The way he talked was always this sort of...
Double entendre like, oh really?
Well, why not do that?
Like I go, so what are you doing now?
Are you are you still into like wave?
Remember you're reading all these books about waves before?
Yeah, well, maybe I am but aren't we all?
Stop trying to be Yoda all the time, dude.
Just answer my question and not everything has to be a parable.
Anyway, I think he had a point.
I think he was right.
If a man isn't mobile he feels Not like a man.
And I did some time for headbutting a dude who beat up a woman who worked at one of the vice stores.
And I was in there for a long, long time.
Four hours.
I surfed time.
So I'm an ex-con, just like Jim Goad.
Just like Conrad Black.
Just like Charles Manson.
I've been in the hole.
Been in the tombs.
For four hours.
And I have to say, although it was fun, because they knew that I headbutted a guy that beat up a chick, so they liked me, so they put me up in the very, um...
What's that show?
What's that show?
Dave Barry something with the cop show from the 70s?
Anyway, the cell I was in was with the detectives.
I was the only one in it and I could hang my arms through the bars and bend my wrists like a homosexual and riff with the dudes.
It was awesome.
Barney Miller, that was it.
And I was there.
And so I had the best case scenario.
Nothing like real prison, obviously.
It was not Papillon.
But even in that super glorified, super simple, super fun version of jail, as soon as the bars went KONG!
I swear to God, I felt a feeling I've never felt before.
It was like inside my ribcage, I felt this crippling wrongness.
It was like my spine had snapped.
I felt like I was getting raped or something.
I felt like this isn't what I was genetically predisposed to do.
It was like a cave instinct.
It was really damning.
It was really demeaning.
It was dehumanizing.
It was demoralizing.
It was emasculating.
All with a click of a piece of steel going, ka-chunk!
And it just sort of strips away your humanity.
And this is someone who served time for four hours.
God knows what 40 years, what 10 years, what 5 years does to you, what 2 years.
We still put men in cages in 2017.
But anyway, yeah.
Jason was one of those guys who tried to convince me that you don't need to be in the hole to experience the problems of having your liberty removed.
And that sort of makes me love liberty more.
It makes me enjoy liberty more.
But anyway, I'm off the tangent here.
So, Dana Lash.
She, she is under siege.
She's terrorized.
And why?
Because she said we need to stay armed.
Now she meant that literally and figuratively.
Pamela Geller on my show the other day talked about staying armed.
I think Pamela was focusing on knowledge and a little bit of guns.
Dana is focusing on guns and a little bit, no, a lot of knowledge.
But as far as, it was like 60-40, 60-40 both times.
And that's seen as an act of war to the left.
Remember that controversy a few weeks ago where she said we need to fisk the New York Times and the left and they assumed she meant anally fist them?
Yeah, that's how Dana Lash talks.
She's constantly talking about fisting people that she doesn't like.
That's her M.O.
You're very familiar with her work, clearly.
And, um, so she's, she, you know, she's the NRA spokesperson.
And she says, we need to stay vigilant, we need to stay aware, we need to stay armed.
Uh, it's a, it's an inarguable point.
And she gets these threats, these threats where they threaten her children.
They threaten her family.
It's, they want to kill her, they want to eviscerate her.
Like, the, the threats she get are so graphic.
And it's funny how the left is all about morality and, and feminism and stuff.
And the worst, I think, we call their people, like Lena Dunham, is ugly.
But they talk about... I mean, I sat with Anthony Bourdain back when I had a potential in TV, and he talked about cutting... Oh my God, I'm blanking.
Who's the chick, the Alaskan senator that Tina Fey played?
Sarah Palin.
He talked about cutting Sarah Palin's skin off.
Just removing her skin.
And you think, I don't want to do that to a mass murderer.
I don't want to do that to a pedophile.
I want to shoot a pedophile in the head, but I don't want to cut his skin off.
I'm not... I would be dry heaving the entire time.
But the way the left deals with these female conservatives, even back in Michelle Malkin, when I first read Liberals Unhinged, and they go, oh, she's Filipina?
Let's talk about ping pong balls coming out of her vagina, because that's what happens in Cambodia, totally different place, and that's what she must do.
And you think, The reason you guys call us these disgusting perverts and sexists and everything is because you're projecting.
No conservative sees an Asian woman and thinks such things.
Liberals think it all the time.
So when they insult us, they choose their own vocabulary.
Like the guy from Vox who was interviewing Lauren Southern.
And she said, the Pride Parade, if you ever want to become homophobic, check out the Pride Parade.
He assumed that meant that gays make her barf.
So when he interviewed her on this segment he recently did, I'm in it too, and it's about the far right on YouTube and the adpocalypse and stuff.
Easy to find.
And he wore a shirt that said queer on it.
Like that was gonna make her throw up.
That would make him throw up if she was wearing a Trump shirt.
So he wants to get revenge and do the reverse.
And it's a remarkably naive thing.
Like, the idea that Lauren Southern would be triggered if someone wore a queer shirt is just downright dumb.
I know Lauren very well.
That's the last thing that would ever occur to her.
Especially that age group, too.
Conservative or not, those kids... I call her a kid.
She's probably 26.
Those kids, they don't see gay.
They don't see race.
It's a boomer thing, ultimately.
And this kid, this interviewer from Vox, wearing the queer shirt like it was some sort of revolutionary thing.
I don't know, it reminds me of the whole, like, uh...
Trump has small hands or oh that guy you like that that guy you admire like it was like I wouldn't be surprised this has never happened to me by the way but I wouldn't be surprised if a liberal said oh yeah you like Pat Buchanan you know he's a fag right you know he's gay and I would go really okay yes he's married that's not very ethical that he wasted his wife's time but as far as his books I couldn't care less
So your smoking gun is really based on your hang-ups.
I know this is drifting into a cliché where I'm saying they're the real racists, they're the real homophobes, they're the real sexists, but they are!
And here's the big difference with the left and the right.
These are my theories.
These are things I believe.
These are hypotheses I've come up with After accruing data.
And if you would like to argue with me, please come on my show.
Please fry me.
Because then I'm smarter if you win.
But they're just ideas that I have.
The left takes their ideas and they want to implement them as some sort of program.
You know, when I lived in Taiwan, I lived in Taiwan for about four months, And Mao is very popular there.
They don't like Mao, but they know a lot about him, and they're fascinated by him.
You see him everywhere.
You go to a flea market, and he's on all the little teacups and stuff.
Taiwan is capitalist.
Chiang Kai-shek started it.
Chiang Kai-shek and Mao were allies, and Mao said, let's have a revolution.
Chiang Kai-shek, whom I have a tattoo of, said, yeah, let's do it.
And then Mao started saying, this is getting complicated.
Let's just start killing tons of people and employing some sort of fascist regime where I'm the boss.
And Chiang Kai-shek said, no.
So he went to Taiwan, where there were people there.
That's the thing people don't get about this, oh, you stole America from the natives.
Natives were everywhere.
Christopher Columbus never came to America.
He went and dealt with the natives of Puerto Rico and the Caribbean.
What are they called in Puerto Rico?
The Tainu or something?
Look that up, Dave.
In Japan, they were called the Ainu.
In Taiwan, they called them the Taiwanese.
And they don't seem that smart, to be honest.
What are they called?
The Taiko?
What's that word?
The Taino.
Taino.
Yeah, that's it.
Puerto Ricans have the Taino.
But Taiwan had the Taiwanese aboriginals.
And they are so hot.
It's insane.
Maybe it's my type.
You might see them in barf, but they're like brown Asians So they look like sort of like I don't know Mexican Chinese people Very dark, but Asian big full lips Wow real lookers.
I think there's like 37 of them left But their culture was was antiquated.
Sorry You know they had their word for cat is meow Oh, that's nice.
What's your word for dog?
I'm guessing it's ruff ruff.
The Chinese have this bizarre thing with tones where, um...
Every word has four tones, so you say rice, rice, rice, rice.
And if you get the wrong tone, you mean something different about someone's mother.
The Taiwanese had eight tones.
Eight tones!
For every syllable!
That's not a learnable language.
That's not a language that can it.
It's stupid.
We're not doing that.
So Chiang Kai-shek went there, killed the Taiwanese, and started Taiwan.
And he created a capitalist China that, as far as I'm concerned, is in China.
I wrote letters from there.
The return address said ROC at the bottom, Republic of China.
But he created a capitalist society.
And it worked.
Still, it's like a Canadian economy right now.
Your rent is basically in Taipei is what it would be in Toronto.
But when I was there, I realized We are just incompatible in many ways.
I remember I knew a guy who was dating a Hungarian and he said, he was living there at the time, and he said, you meet someone from another country and you go, oh, we're just the same, but different, different language.
And you know, you're Catholic, I'm Protestant, but we're basically the same.
And then he goes, there's two weeks in the relationship and you go, you have different tastes in music.
I think that music is a cacophony.
And then he goes a month into the relationship, you go, We are intrinsically different to our core.
I have nothing in common with you.
Yeah, so sorry.
I'm the tangent king.
And this, by the way, is a Scottish thing.
It might come from booze, but you go off on a million things.
And I was talking about Mao and how Mao and Chiang Kai-shek split because Mao wanted to impose communism.
And, uh, I think that's a tendency with all people of power.
And that's why we like Trump.
I'm giving up on my tangents, by the way, and starting a whole new thing.
Because he doesn't seem like power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Now at this point, I assume you're thinking, Why am I listening to this?
This person is an alcoholic.
He's clearly drunk and he has no idea what he's talking about.
He's likely forgotten why he brought up Mao and Chiang Kai-shek and Taiwan and China.
He probably doesn't even remember what his original point was.
Well, guess what?
I am like Jackie Chan in that movie where he was doing drunken kung fu, which was a real thing because the Shaolin monks were being attacked.
And though they were vegetarian pacifists, they needed warriors.
So they said, you guys are allowed to eat meat and get up to shenanigans sexually with the ladies and drink.
And this became a problem for them because they would fight drunk, so they invented drunken kung fu.
All real stuff.
You gotta see Jet Li's old movies where he played the real martial arts wizard, Wong Fei Hung, who, uh...
Was one of these guys, I believe.
Anyway, I'm committing the act of drunken kung fu right now, because although I've had a few beers, I know exactly what I'm talking about.
And what I'm talking about goes back to Mao.
And what I'm talking about goes back to the left.
And what I'm talking about goes back to this concept where I have theories.
The Right has theories.
The Right says there's things they like.
I don't think women should vote, for example.
I want them to vote, but I don't think they're very good at it.
And the whole reason, probably 20 minutes ago now, I brought up Mao, was to say he decided he didn't like flies.
And he hired a committee of men to fight flies.
You're not mishearing me.
Flies.
Those black little round things with wings?
Flies.
House flies.
Bot flies.
No, not bot flies.
Bottle flies.
The blue ones.
Whatever.
The flies like when a dog poo-poos on the street, the flies around it.
He didn't like those, so he wanted to get rid of them.
And so he hired people, he gave them fly swatters and their job was to get rid of all flies in the country.
Not like get rid of feces or have a more, you know, uh, uh, sanitized, uh, sewage system.
Not to get better at garbage collection, not to do the, not to get to the root cause of the problem.
Just hit flies.
There we go.
Hit them.
By the way, when you hit a pile of flies and you have a big mash of dead flies, you know what that attracts?
Flies.
You get maggots, and they create more flies.
So it's a dumb thing to do.
But Mao did it.
That was his plan.
I remember hearing, too, about Mao, where he didn't like a certain bird.
I forget what the bird was.
Maybe you can look this up, Dave.
And this person's job was to stand on rooftops, crawl up trees, and just go clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, and clang pots and pans together so the bird could never land.
Well, here we go.
Good work, Dave.
That was nice and fast.
The Four Pests Campaign, it was called.
The Great Sparrow Campaign, also known as the Kill a Sparrow Campaign.
Can you bring that back up, Dave?
Uh, was one of the first actions, uh, taking the great leap forward in China from 1958 to 1962 that killed God knows how many human beings.
Uh, the four pests to be eliminated were rats, flies, mosquitoes, and sparrows.
And so the flies got fly swatters and the sparrows got banged with pots and pans until they died of exhaustion in the air.
The four pests!
So, yes, I'm tying it all back together to the four pests and I'm saying the difference between the right and the left is I have my idea of good and wrong, but I'm not going to enforce it on you.
The left is the four pests and they have decided they're going to get rid of What are their four pests?
Racism, sexism, homophobia, and the fourth one kind of vacillates.
Sometimes it's like ableism, sometimes it's ageism.
Anyway, they have their pests, and instead of letting nature figure it out, they go, no, I'm gonna handle this.
We're going to clang these pans until the sparrows go away.
Because we hate flies.
Which brings me to a totally unrelated point.
And that is... I think you hate fries.
Yeah, you heard me.
I'm done with my point about the left and the right.
My whole intro is over now.
This is a new segment of the show.
If there's a commercial break, we'd have a commercial break now.
But I don't think you like your fries.
Now I am an Irish, Scotch-Irish, married to an American Indian.
Columbus went to the Caribbean.
He brought back potatoes.
The potatoes dominated Europe.
The Dutch came up with French fries.
That led to Britain really running with them and making them into a work of art.
When you get A packet of scrapes in Glasgow, by the way.
So you get some chips in Glasgow when you're at the end of a night, when you've had a few pints and you're like, I need something to soak up this booze.
They have Makers Mark, by the way, in Britain now, which is not good because it's drinking culture with my favorite drink.
So it's cheaper, actually.
Makers Mark is cheaper in London than it is in New York.
It's Bourbon's hot there now.
So anyway, you drink the bourbon, you drink the beer, and you go, I don't want to wet the bed.
My wife will never sleep with me for... I was gonna say never again.
Not for another week.
Maybe two weeks.
So you go, I need something to absorb the booze.
And you get these bloody chips, by the way.
You get these chips, and they're big.
They're like the size of your thumb.
Each one is the size of your thumb.
And it's on bloody newspaper.
And the newspaper's drenched with grease.
And then you take the bloody malt vinegar, by the way.
And you drench the greasy chips in the malt vinegar.
They're white, they're blanched.
And then you give the salt shaker in big chunks of salt.
It's stuck to each chip.
And it is, I mean, it's hard to convey.
I guess lust would be the easiest analogy for you to understand.
Like, I guess if you're into chubby supermodels, one wearing lingerie lying in your bed right now, if you're a single person, that would be Kind of what I'm talking about, kind of, but I'm not really talking about that.
I'm talking about the way you see a beautiful woman on a painting at the Met.
So it's not like you want to jump in the Met and start going, French kissing her.
You see a beautiful woman in a painting and you go, what beauty women are.
And what a talent this man had to portray her as such.
You're just sort of taking in the art.
You're not an animal at the time.
And that's how I feel about these fries.
I mean, each fry you have in Glasgow, in Britain, is a true fry.
And I was eating fries at Shake Shack at Grand Central the other day.
I miss my train, as I'm wont to do.
I'm having a delicious burger and there's no arguing that Americans are the kings of burgers and I don't think there's any arguing that burger is the greatest food on earth.
I did a video about this.
It's inarguable.
It's a perfect amount of protein.
Shake Shack has developed a magical sauce that should be in the history books.
And if you get the double there, you've got all these crunchy parts.
And the bun and the little thingamajig and the little wrapper.
It's amazing.
And then you go, all right, I'm done that.
And then you have these disgusting, dried, corrugated fries that look like an old screw.
And you think I'm just gonna eat these I don't know cuz I'm bored cuz they're kind of salty and I want some Maybe I'll develop a thirst.
It'll make me enjoy my beer more.
It's almost like alcoholics I think that's why alcoholics like salt and vinegar chips, so I'm gonna eat these What are they even called those stupid fries where they zigzag?
I even forget the name Articulated what are those fries called Dave?
I know what you're talking about.
I can't remember.
Look it up, then.
Don't tell me.
This is my top researcher.
I ask him and he goes, yeah, man, I wish I knew what those were too, dude.
I thought that you were asking me as if I knew right now.
Yeah, I am.
I was about to look it up.
But it's also your job.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'd have to look it up.
I know you'll have to look it up, that's why you get a paycheck to look it up.
Crinkle fries.
Yeah, crinkle fries.
And I'm eating these crinkle fries, and I feel a kinship with my fellow man, so I don't feel like I have these things that I like that you don't like.
I mean, it's different with gays, but for the most part, when I have a desire, I think you do, too.
Sure, there's subjective things like music and art, but chips?
Fries?
Potatoes?
No, we're on the same page.
And this is my new theory I wanted to bring up on this show today.
I don't think you like those fries.
I think you eat those gross, plastic, overcooked pieces of transmogrified potato mush Just because it's there.
And you go... I think if you would eat the newspaper chips of Glasgow, drenched in salt and malt vinegar, you would go, I'm enjoying a meal right now.
This is a delicious thing to have in my body.
I feel better for it.
I can drink 10 times what I would normally drink because you just put all this starch in me.
With the crinkle fries, We're really let's let's be honest with ourselves guys.
We're going through the motions.
We're just going You throw half of them in the garbage, and it feels like nothing It's like how I would feel if my dog was hit by a car and my kids had already gone to college I would just be watching a stuffed animal get hit by a car, and that's how we not only feel about Shake Shack's fries.
That's how we feel about all frozen fries on Earth Which, by the way, is my fault as a Scotch Canadian.
That's McCain.
McCain invented the frozen fry.
And the frozen fry has infected all of Britain.
It's a major problem over there.
And I think we need to look in the mirror after we're done our burger and say, do I want these?
Like today, I got a couple hot dogs.
And they go, you want fries with that?
And I thought, yes, but you don't sell fries.
You sell transmogrified potatoes.
And I don't want those things.
I don't want that mushy starch, that hay in my face.
It's like those snacks hickory sticks.
You just have overcooked, starchy little brutally beaten potatoes.
I don't want those and I didn't have them.
And when I do have them, I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
It doesn't feel real.
So that's something I wanted to bring up on the show today besides you know sometimes I have a profound message about the left and the right and how they want to enforce their dogma and we have the same dogma obviously I hate flip-flops I'd love there to be no flip-flops in the world but because I'm sick of looking at F-ing toes every day, especially in New York.
There's rats and syringes everywhere.
Why do you have your wet, dirty, black toes on everything?
The bottom of your feet are disgusting!
But I don't want to enforce it.
That's a profound point to make in a podcast.
A silly point, but I also feel strongly about, is you don't like fries.
And here's another silly point that I want to make on today's show.
If Donald Trump had real, true, crazy balls, which is what we elected him for, he would have Green Day.
No, I do not mean Billy Joe Armstrong.
I don't mean he would have a punk band play The White House, which reminded me of... How about Eminem going, You don't have the balls to step to me!
I mean, I've mentioned this on my show, but what the hell are you talking about?
Do you want Donald Trump to fight you?
Do you want Donald Trump to start working out, I guess, practicing, so he's not paying attention to, you know, the Iran deal, Israel, he's not paying attention to the Dow, or jobs, or the wall, or Mexico, or foreign policy, or these stupid... Some chick who looks, dresses like John Benet Ramsey in a cowboy hat, isn't happy with the The call he made to a, what are they called, a golden family?
60,000 people died in the Vietnam War.
Did those presidents, did Kennedy and Nixon call anyone?
I mean, I'm sorry you didn't like the phone call.
I saw a recording of a phone call.
He seemed pretty noble.
Can you find that, Dave?
He called some gold star family.
Seemed pretty awesome, but yeah, let's have a girl dressed as a girl.
Let's have an old black woman dressed as a four-year-old with a rhinestone cowboy hat tell us that he doesn't do enough calls or they're not good enough.
So that doesn't bother me at all.
I have my beefs with Trump.
I'm saving them.
But how about this for an idea?
Oh yeah, sorry, Eminem.
Eminem goes, you don't have the balls to step to me.
Is he supposed to stop his job so he can fight Eminem?
Physically fight Eminem?
Is that what you want?
I get that, by the way, personally.
Guys say to me, I want to fight Gavin McInnes.
You name the time, you name the place.
We'll donate the money to charity.
A. Get in line.
B.
Why?
C. I think you're misunderstanding my role in society.
I'm not in the MMA.
Are you thinking of Conor McGregor?
Conor McGregor has obviously a real waiting list of people that want to fight him and they have to earn that.
D. Do you think if you beat me up, if you win this fight, then my ideas are gone?
Like, why do we, why do you get to fight me?
That's not a thing, dummy.
So anyway, Eminem says, you don't have the balls to stand up to me.
I assume he doesn't mean a physical fight.
I assume that, uh, uh, we're not expected to fight.
Every president is expected to fight everybody he dislikes.
So that leaves a rap duel.
Trump has to rap with Eminem.
Look, I like Trump.
Uh, I know he's fallible.
I don't think he's a very good rapper.
I would guess, I've seen him dancing, he seems a little awkward.
I would guess he's not good at rapping.
And I think Eminem, I don't like him.
I'm not a fan of, uh, I like some of his songs.
I like singing Stan at karaoke nights.
It's very hard.
He's a very talented rapper.
Very good at his job.
It's tricky rapping, as you learn when you try to karaoke.
So I don't want my president to be a good rapper.
That's not a thing I want.
So what does he mean?
Does he mean Trump doesn't send him a mean tweet?
Okay, I think that's true.
I don't think Trump has sent Eminem a mean tweet.
But uh, so what?
So what?
That's the balls to step to me.
Meanwhile, Eminem is like my age.
He's probably 40.
So that was stupid.
But, um, what I was trying to focus on here is my new idea, and I would love Trump to do this, and this is super gay, by the way.
And before I get to what I'm trying to say on my 37th tangent, I'd like to focus on the word gay for a second.
When we say something's gay, we are doing a parody of the word gay.
So if I say to my wife, who I know better than anyone on Earth, if she said, hey, someone wants to go sailing on Friday.
Do you want to meet them?
Do you want to go on their boat, bring the kids?
And I go, no, that sounds super gay.
She knows I don't think that sailboats make love to other sailboats in a non-vaginal penis way.
They put their sailboat dinks in a sailboat's bum.
She also knows I don't dislike homosexuals and I think that all things that remotely are related to them are bad and I hate gays and I want to be a gay and if I get on a sailboat I'll become a homosexual.
Obviously she's aware That I'm doing a jokey thing.
And she knows that what I'm saying is, I don't want to go, and I'm using a fun way to say that by saying, I'm going to use the same vernacular you and I both used when we were seven years old.
So in that sense, it's a parody of the way you used to speak.
And in that sense, it's pro-gay.
Because you're going, only a dumb seven-year-old would say something bad is gay.
And it goes back to the left being willfully ignorant of jokes and pretending they don't get jokes on purpose.
Because they are desperate for villains, so they're going to just have to get their numbers up and say, uh, Gavin was serious when he said sailing is gay.
He hates gays.
It's like Owen Benjamin.
He was talking about slavery and he takes a break from the subject and goes, it would be kind of cool to have a slave though, right?
Like, just go get me that.
And by the way, everyone rich and famous in LA has an assistant.
They have a slave.
So, which I've always had a problem with, by the way.
I remember my agent at CAA was Greg Kavik, and he had his assistant's email was always Greg Kavik's assistant.
And it was always a man.
That's normal in LA.
And I thought, how can you be a man and be a man's assistant?
It just seems wrong.
How do you sleep at night?
Anyway, there's a backlash against Owen Benjamin where they go, you don't know why people are mad at you?
He's a liberal, Owen Benjamin.
He's on Crowder's show all the time.
And someone goes, they're mad at you because you said you wanted a slave.
How do you- you know Owen was kidding.
He clearly wants a slave.
He wants a man in shackles and chains that he can whip in his house.
Is that what he wants?
Do you believe that?
It's like with Milo.
He had a bunch of racist, anti-semitic passwords for his email.
And they buzzfeed combed through 3,000 of his emails and found stuff they didn't like and...
They found a video where he was doing karaoke and someone zeeked out and they go, See?
This is pretty bad for him.
And I go, to that person I go, or those people I should say, I go, So let me get this straight.
So Milo is a Nazi?
That's what you honestly believe?
Because, and you can tell they don't believe that.
He's married to a black man.
They don't believe that, but what they mean is he made a transgression.
Okay.
So the guy who made a transgression isn't that thing.
Then who cares?
It's like if a black man was to use the word coon in a derogatory sense and you get a recording of that.
What do you do with that?
What's it proof of?
He's a black dude.
He clearly doesn't like, he doesn't dislike black dudes.
So when I say something's gay, I obviously don't mean it's gay.
All right, so you're saying, what is Gavin talking about?
Does he even remember what he's talking about?
Yes, I do.
I always do.
Remember I mentioned Green Day?
So this is my concept.
I want the president to institute different days based on colors.
I know it sounds remarkably gay.
So, like, today is Green Day.
And not, don't get into fuchsia and other dumb colors, like, what are the basic colors that all normal people recognize?
Red, orange, blue, green, yellow, uh, is that it?
Purple?
There's like six colors, right?
Did I say red?
Dave, look up how many colors there are without dumb colors.
You mean like primary colors?
No, isn't there only three or four of those?
Purple's not a primary color.
Yeah, uh... God, you young people.
I got these.
How about these?
You don't know any.
That's a pretty good list.
So there's red, yellow.
I'm not doing... Yeah, we can do white.
White actually fits this.
White and black fit this thing I'm about to introduce to you.
You could replace white or black with magenta.
I'm sorry, magenta with black.
I'm going to make magenta pink.
So there's red, yellow, white, black, magenta, blue, green.
There are seven colors in the world.
Did I mention purple?
Go back to that thing you showed.
No, purple is one.
There are eight colors in the world, okay?
So there's 12 months.
We're gonna just have to scatter these throughout the year.
But what about this fun idea?
The president institutes, starting today, eight days of the year are a color.
And there's, say, Purple Day on October 13th.
October 25th.
We still have time for Purple Day, right?
What is it now?
By the way, purple is the color of sexual frustration.
So if you're a woman and you're obsessed with purple, you're very lonely.
And that's coming up in five days.
Now, you obviously don't have to participate.
There's nothing mandatory here.
But, hey, it's Purple Day!
Now, you know we have all days.
There's Secretary Day, there's Hairdo Day, there's Hairdresser Day, there's Carpet Day, there's probably... Today is probably three days.
Actually, Dave, look that up.
I bet today is three different things.
So why not add to one of them, and this is Purple Day, and you wear purple to work.
You wear purple to school.
You don't have to participate if you don't want to.
I'm not saying it has to be parades and stuff.
It's just a thing.
And I think that would be remarkably fun.
So what is it today?
It's today is, uh, wait, is that Saturday?
Dave?
Today is Sloth Day.
It's Miss American Rose Day.
It's National Branded Fruit Day.
Okay, so today is Sloth Day.
It's Miss American Rose Day.
It's National Branded- Branded- Branded Fruit Day.
So why not just add colours to those?
And I know this sounds irrelevant and stupid, but I think it would be a fun way of Trump to say, "I'm fun." Isn't there a president in Turkey or somewhere, right where Europe starts to get gross and Muslim, where he changed the calendar to have every month reflect his name, and every day to reflect his name?
That's a bit much.
But I want Trump to be more of a dumb idiot.
And do stupid stuff.
Like add colors to the days.
That you don't have to follow if you don't want to.
But it would just be a fun thing to do.
Uh oh, my phone is telling me that someone's been kidnapped.
That's none of my business.
Alright, we're running out of time here.
There's some things I didn't even close to get to.
Milo, Geller, Dana Lash, we got all that.
Chinese man who sued his girlfriend for being ugly.
I don't want to talk about that.
I think we should wrap it up here.
We've got Richard Spencer caused 600k.
The whole state went into a state of emergency.
I talked about that on the show.
Next week is gonna be... We got Milo next week.
We have Dana Lash.
We had Pamela Geller yesterday.
I'm getting great guests.
The CRTV is really working out.
I've noticed my wife has more playdates and stuff.
I don't know.
It's sort of like being a contributor at Fox.
I feel validated recently.
I have no disrespect to Compound Media or my previous jobs or Rebel.
But something about going mainstream, I don't know, people go, oh, I guess he's not Richard Spencer.
I guess he's not some weird radical.
I guess someone likes him.
If he's getting a paycheck, he must have something right.
He can't really be a racist anti-Semite.
I'm going to bring my kids over.
But let's end this with tonight's game.
Yankees fans.
Now, I'm a Mets guy, and my thing is, my son, who got me into baseball, and he's only nine, he wants the Yankees to die in a fire.
He wants everyone to die.
He wants their mothers to get cancer.
He wants their part of the world to sink into the sea.
So if all Yankees fans and players lived in, say, the Bronx, he would want the Bronx to be above a sinkhole and for everyone to die.
I don't really understand that.
I'm a loyalist, and my attitude is I'm a New Yorker, I love New York, so I like the Mets.
My second favorite team is the Yankees.
I like the Yankees.
I know that they're better at baseball than me.
That doesn't bother me at all.
I've got money now, but I never, I didn't have money when I moved to New York, and I knew rich people, like David Cross, and it never bothered me that David had ten times the income I had.
I never thought about it at all.
We both drank shitty beer.
Who cares?
So I don't it doesn't bother me that the Yankees have some of the best pitchers in the league and and are good at their job But I talked to Yankees fans like Dave here, and he says um He goes I don't want the Mets to win anything.
I don't want them to die like your son does but he goes If they're good, then New York, you know, the rest of the world goes, what's happening in New York?
Who's your top team?
And they go, it's these guys, the Mets, basically the Yankees wife.
And I understand that.
I understand that you don't want your wife to be good, but I don't see that as, you know what I see it as, Dave?
I think brother is better.
Yeah, brother.
Like, my little brother can beat my ass.
Yeah, exactly.
I beat him up his whole life, and then one day we were 16, and I had him in this hold.
No, he had me in a hold, I should say.
And that was normal.
He would try to get me in a hold up until that day.
And I would go, oh, you really want to play this, boy?
You think you can take me?
One, two, three.
And then I would get out of the hold and just pound him.
And this time he had his arm around my neck and I went, 1, 2, 3!
1, 2, 3!
Get off me!
I can't breathe!
And we were both horrified by what had just happened and that was he had snatched the pebble from my hand.
I'm actually not ashamed of that.
I don't mind that.
So why do you mind if the Mets win?
It's just your little brother is better than you that year.
Maybe I'm just a lover, not a fighter, and I want everyone to get along.
I like the team closest to me.
I like the Yankees.
But I do understand at least the argument that you don't want your mom to be good or your wife to be better at something, which is why we all feel so uncomfortable when we see a mom taking her son to the baseball game.
Isn't that just weird?
You see they got the program and she's got her Mets hat.
Anthony was talking the other day about how much pink Mets gear is available.
It's like a woman's team.
But it is wrong.
And my wife loves baseball because she's an Indian and that's their thing.
I think it's because they have big hands.
So for them a softball feels like a golf ball.
And American Indians are all on softball teams and they're really good at it.
So she knows more about baseball than me.
And we both got into it when my son did a couple years ago.
But the idea of my wife taking my son to a game, it's like sitting in the passenger seat of a car.
It just feels wrong.
And I understand, um, you not wanting the Mets to win because you don't want your wife to be the one that people go to when they come to New York.
And that happened, by the way, with Kristen Wiig.
She moved to New York with her boyfriend, probably from Colorado or something, I don't know.
Probably from Chicago, right?
They probably did the improv, stupid improv thing.
Improv is so gay.
And, um, they said, let's get into comedy.
And her career just went, pachooom!
off into space and he did his shows and then he tried this and then he said I got a commercial I'm doing an ivory soap commercial where I'm a dumb white guy and they got divorced because that's inevitable if you move to a big city with your girlfriend and you both pursue the same thing and she kicks your ass that's like the Mets winning the World Series and you're done you're doomed and that happened to the wig family And I don't know what he's doing now.
He's probably happily married.
He probably has kids.
But where's Kristen Wiig?
Childless and hilarious.
Stuck in showbiz.
In Loser Central.
Where these people fellate or blow or maybe just touch the testicles of Harvey Weinstein.
In exchange for what?
An acting career?
Where you sit quiet on the set and you look at your phone for 14 hours?
I mean, it's one of the most boring jobs available to man.
Yet these people flock to it for fame and fortune.
Fortune's boring.
What do you need?
You need a few beers, a nice sandwich, and a cot.
You don't need a mansion.
It's not like you enjoy the mansion.
I want my own swimming pool.
There's probably a local pool nearby.
Go swim there.
Who cares?
Well, I want fame.
Okay, I understand fame.
Because if you're an ugly man like Danny DeVito and you're famous, you'll probably get a hot chick.
Alright, that makes sense.
By the way, Danny DeVito, couldn't you just go to another country?
Go to Slovenia or Romania.
You'll get a hot chick.
But these famous people go, no, I want to do it here.
I want to get someone out of my league here, so I need to be famous for that.
I guess.
Okay, so you're looking for a particularly attractive mate.
If you're a photographer, by the way, you can get a particularly attractive mate because you work in fashion.
You could be a graphic designer and work in fashion.
I ran a magazine for a while.
I had my pick of the litter back then.
And then you look at Kristen Wiig and you go, well, you have your pick of the litter and you are single and alone.
And you were in a great relationship.
So why did you want to be famous so bad?
Because you wanted to do jokes?
I guess.
Why'd you let your marriage fall apart?
Why did Louis C.K.
let his marriage fall apart?
Why?
We need to realign our priorities as a society.
And that is why I do this show, Get Off My Lawn.
Because I think the top priority should be family.
Should be babies.
You know, I saw a video the other day of this woman and her baby had a hearing aid put in and her baby was hearing her voice for the first time and the baby had a face that was vacillating from intense ecstasy to crying because she was overwhelmed.
She was being emotional.
And the mom was saying that.
She goes, are you being emotional?
And I sent it to my friend Leslie Arfin, who's a writer in Hollywood.
She just did a show with Paul Rust, John Apatow Show on Netflix.
We have split dramatically, politically, over the years, obviously.
We, you know, she considered exing me as a friend, but we've known each other for decades and we're still close, despite it all.
That's kind of a New York thing.
And I sent her the video and she goes, this is all that matters.
And then she sent another text that said, I'm not kidding.
And I thought, that's just a silly text to receive, but it is amazingly profound.
Because it's so true.
That is all that matters.
The fact that you disagree with me on Trump, or immigration, or these things that don't affect our day-to-day lives.
Nothing affects your day-to-day life like a baby.
Nothing affects your day like seeing your kid kick a soccer ball.
My boy Johnny, the other day, I said, it's time to go.
And he goes, no, no, just one more time.
And I go, okay, okay, fine.
We'll play one more time.
Because he tries to score on me in a goal.
And he goes, okay, dad, two more, just two more, one more times.
If you don't have kids, you don't understand the ecstasy you feel when these little dummies try to trick you with retarded logic like that.
But it is an unquantifiable joy.
And it really is what matters.
It's why I'm here at CRTV.
It's why I get out of bed and I got enough money to do nothing.
I could just watch baseball all day in a house robe.
But I don't because I feel inclined to save humanity.
And the way you save humanity is with more humans.
Breed.
Stop masturbating.
Stop watching pornography.
Stop doing cocaine all night.
Stop playing video games for 5 hours a day.
Stop binge-watching garbage on Netflix.
If you're in a relationship, propose.
If you're not in one, get in one.
I understand that you don't want to marry your high school sweetheart.
I'm not asking you to do that.
But once you're here, once things are rolling, what do you want out of her?
I always say that to guys that have been with a girl for three years.
You're going to get her but with bigger tits?
What is this?
Some sort of a character in a video game you choose and you can enlarge different things?
Grow up!
She's the one for you.
You're the one for him.
Put a ring on it and breathe.
You've had the party chapter.
It went great.
That was a lot of fun.
Now we're turning the page.
We're going to the new chapter.
We're going to the baby chapter.
Smell their breath.
It smells like angels' farts.
Smell their hair.
When they fall asleep on you, and you sniff the top of their head, dude, it's opium.
