Glenn Beck and guests Alfonso Guillero, Bill O'Reilly, and Andrew Heaton dissect the migrant caravan, PolitiFact's "Lie of the Year," and Michael Cohen's testimony. Beck alleges Guillero seeks $50,000 per migrant while demanding U.S. asset removal from Honduras, framing it as a Marxist agenda. O'Reilly dismisses Cohen's credibility due to his real estate history and plea deal, praising Senator Lindsey Graham for defending Brett Kavanaugh's due process against media hypocrisy. The episode concludes with Beck's dark interpretation of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" as a date rape scenario and a brief note on monk seals found with dead eels in their nostrils. [Automatically generated summary]
First of all, we start with a caravan update that you might have heard part of that.
I'm not sure you've heard the rest of it.
We really kind of need to cover just a little bit of that caravan because it isn't what they say it was.
What a shock.
Stunning.
Also, Bill O'Reilly is going to be with us.
We talk a little bit about Michael Cohn.
He's got an interesting perspective on that.
Also, by the way, Baby, it's Cold Outside.
Predicted 10 years ago.
We went back in the archives from a decade ago and found a comedy monologue that I did after listening to this song, basically playing the role of a social justice warrior and saying how evil this song is.
It was comedy 10 years ago.
See how much of it they're actually saying with a straight face today.
Also, Andrew Heaton and a little bit on the new Deadpool PG-13.
worth seeing.
You're listening to the best of the Glenn Beck program.
It's Friday, December 14th.
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Right now, you can get all your fruits and vegetables that you need.
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Okay, let me tell you about our update on the border.
Name Alfonso Guillero.
Love Alfonso.
Huge Alfonso fan.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
So he walked into the U.S. consulate in Tijuana, Mexico, and he said, I have a list of demands from the caravan.
Now, I always like to hear, you know, the people who are like, help me, help me, please.
When they come up, help me, help me, please.
I've got a list of demands.
And it always kind of works for me.
Softens my heart just a little bit.
So he's got a list.
The caravan is demanding if they're not granted immediate asylum.
They want the following.
One, $50,000 in cash for every caravan member.
I think that sounds reasonable.
$50,000 in cash for every caravan.
Have you tried to catch a bus back to Honduras from Tijuana?
Very expensive.
Long bus.
So they're saying these things, if we give them these things, they'll leave.
They'll leave.
They'll leave.
Otherwise, we will not go anywhere.
Is it a French caravan?
Is that what kind of?
I bet there are some French people there.
Probably.
Yes.
After all, we've heard that some of the worst people are in the caravan.
There's got to be Frenchmen.
Two, the immediate removal of all U.S. economic and military assets in Honduras.
Okay, well, that's a nice attitude.
Hold it just a second.
Wait a minute.
And failure to comply with these things will result in the caravan continuing to try to penetrate the U.S. border.
Help us, help us, please.
Let me give you a list of some Marxist things.
So they want 50 Gs each, and they want us to remove all economic and military assets.
Now, if their goal was too much military power for the United States in dealing with their country, why would they want to come to the country in the first place?
Yeah, let me ask you this.
If they were like, hey, we're really, really poor and it's really bad in Honduras, why would you say stop sending us money?
Hmm.
It's almost as if there's another motivation.
Could be.
Could be.
Now, it's just, maybe it's probably just me.
But if you're trying to appear like, you know, a grassroots movement, you know, for, you know, as a group of migrants who are just trying to escape the dangers of your own country, you might want to tone down the crazy Marxist rhetoric just a little bit.
I mean, sure, it's the holidays.
Who doesn't love the leftist freedom fighter shtick?
You know, we all love it.
But demanding millions of dollars and the removal of U.S. military from Honduras kind of screams, hey, we're Marxist communist revolutionaries.
I'm a Marxist terrorist, doesn't it?
I mean, you're not wearing the shirt that lights up like yours.
But almost.
Almost.
Okay.
This is the same thing as if you would have come up to the embassy wearing a beret, shouting, Viva la revolution, while firing off on an RPG.
I mean, it's, you know, come up on your motorcycle looking like Che.
So this is just angry rhetoric, isn't it?
Isn't it still?
I mean, what I just said about this poor man who is just looking for asylum, Mr. Guillero, he's just a poor guy just like you.
He's got a family.
Back in 1987, he tried to get asylum in Mexico.
And he got asylum in Mexico.
Well, he was suspected by the Honduran and U.S. government for, wait for it, Marxist left-wing terrorism.
It's just weird.
Wow, everybody's got a couple of charges.
Sure, of course.
Of course we all do.
1987, Honduras was ground zero for the U.S. and Soviet proxy forces fighting in the Cold War.
The Contra rebels were actually based there, and the leftist terrorists would sometimes carry out operations in the country in response.
So it was August 8th.
A bomb was thrown into the China Palace restaurant, which, of course, imperialist capitalists and their China Palace restaurants.
Anyway, it was just a few miles away from the U.S. military base in Honduras.
Six American soldiers were injured in the blast.
Alfonso Guillero was the primary suspect.
He escaped to Mexico and claimed asylum.
The Reagan administration charged the Mexican government for, quote, harboring a terrorist for granting Guillero protection.
Now, that's the past.
Guillero's turned his life around.
Oh.
Now he's just a poor, struggling Honduran who doesn't wish anyone harm.
He just wants a better life for his family.
With the Soviet Union gone, Marxist terrorism does not pay what it used to.
It doesn't.
How is it?
He's struggling every day.
And the millions of dollars that he's demanding, it will help them.
And he's just asking for a little, you know, just a few little political things for his country.
Just a few demands.
When, when will the media actually come out and go, oh, wow, we got that one wrong.
Answer, never, because they didn't get it wrong.
They were lying to you from the beginning.
Anyone with any common sense or an ounce of honesty could have seen this thing coming from the beginning.
Oh, and we did.
But anybody who did their homework, anybody who did say these things, they were, of course, labeled an extremist, a hate monger, a racist, a danger to society.
As I see it, the former Marxist terrorist is probably the real danger to our society.
The best of the Glenn Beck Program.
PolitiFact Lie of the Year, I think was actually a fair one this year.
It was a bit of a lies about the Parkland students.
And, you know, there was a lot of controversy around that.
But the lies they highlighted were things like they were crisis actors and that one of the kids ripped up the Constitution, which was a Photoshop situation.
Like it was stuff like that.
And those were conspiracy theory sort of stuff.
It was not the normal political statement.
However, they did give the options to people and people, their readership did not select that particular lie.
The lie.
Wait, wait.
And they will say, oh, my gosh, see?
Look, that just shows that people believed that or people wanted to believe that or whatever.
No, we just think that was such an obvious lie.
I mean, I can live with that being the top lie of the year because it was such a big lie, but it was so ridiculous that nobody believed that except crazy people.
Yeah, it was all, you know, I mean, these things do get spread around widely.
They get lots of views, but that does not mean everyone believes them.
Correct.
Correct.
A lot of times we confuse something that has a lot of views with something that's actually having influence.
It wasn't the most influential lie.
It wasn't the one that caused the most confusion.
Pretty much everybody heard that and went, that's ridiculous.
Yeah.
But, I mean, again, there really was a shooting in Parkland.
And the fact that people tried to say that these people weren't victims and it was.
No, no, no.
It was a horrible, horrible lie.
It is a weird one for them, though, because they usually will pick something that's a little bit more contentious politically.
Yes.
Where this one, I think.
Unless it involves a Democrat.
There you go.
They've had a couple, though.
I mean, Obama, Keep Your Doctor was the lie of the year one.
Yeah, two years after he said it.
Was it two years after?
I thought it was.
I believe it was two years after he said it.
It's possible.
Could be.
It's possible.
Maybe not.
Too late.
Too late.
Anyway.
After it was passed, that's for sure.
But the false statement that the readers chose as the lie of the year for politi fact was this one from Donald Trump.
Quote, the Democrats want to invite caravan after caravan of illegal aliens into our country, and then they want to sign them up for free health care, free welfare, free education, and for the right to vote.
Now, pause for a second here.
Trump is, you know, a lot of times will illustrate an issue that a lot of people talk about.
And he'll, you know, he'll go a little too far, maybe, right?
Like he'll, he'll, he'll say it, he'll say it too definitively, right?
Like he's not necessarily capturing the nuance of a statement in an off the, you know, of the, in an off-the-cuff sort of comment.
This one, though, however, when you break it down is pretty accurate, okay?
The Democrats want to invite caravan after caravan of illegal aliens into our country.
What is their answer to the caravan?
Their answer to the caravan was not to stop it.
It was not to say you are not allowed to come across the border.
It was to allow people to claim asylum and then allow them to come into the country.
And then over some period of time, they would go through the asylum process and they would have to show up to court appointments, which we know a lot of them don't do.
But they never admitted to saying, okay, we want them to come in and be citizens tomorrow.
They did want to say if they claim asylum, they come in the country and they hang out here until the asylum process is over.
Their solution would have caused caravan after caravan after caravan.
The difference here is Donald Trump used the word invited.
They didn't invite.
No, they didn't send out engraved invitations.
Although some of the groups related to the Democrats, and I mean, the Democratic Party, maybe not, but the people who were doing those invites and were working on those caravans, as we highlighted, were very friendly to the Democratic Party and were influenced and funded by Democratic donors.
Yes.
So it's not, again, it might not be exactly to the it's not like you can keep your doctor.
Right, it's not.
It's not that.
You know, again, invite, I'll give you is a little bit different, but there is a justification for that.
But then, and then they want to sign them up for free health care, free welfare, free education, and for the right to vote.
Do they want them to go to schools, for example?
Of course, free education is absolutely on the table.
The right to vote, they've been talking about a citizenship pathway for these, for people like this for a very long time.
They're already signing them up.
Boy, in California, they were trying to sign them up in California.
Whenever you say you complain about sanctuary cities, what do they do?
They give all of these things away.
And free health care is the one that really is driving me crazy on this.
Free health care, part of, obviously, depending on your income level, is part of the Affordable Care Act.
Let me quote from Hillary Clinton's 2016 platform: expand access to affordable health care to families regardless of immigration status.
That was in her platform to give the Affordable Care Act to illegal immigrants.
It was the thing, if you remember, going back so long ago that you'll barely be able to remember this, but you remember the representative from South Carolina, Wilson, who said, You lie to Barack Obama?
The thing he was saying you lie about is he was saying, In reality, you want to give the Affordable Health Care Act to illegal immigrants.
And Obama was saying he wasn't going to do that.
Well, guess what happened in the 2016 campaign in the platform of Hillary Clinton, quoting from HillaryClinton.com?
It is exactly the thing that he was saying was being lied about.
He was absolutely right.
And this quote about it being some crazy fantasy that Donald, that the Democrats want to invite illegal immigrants in and give a bunch of stuff away from them.
It's all in their platform.
It's what they say is the heartless part of the Republican Party that we don't want to give away these free things to illegal immigrants.
So the average, the readers that responded to this actually were saying, no, the bigger lie was what Donald Trump said was happening on the border.
Yes, that's what they said.
That's insane.
I mean, it just tells you a lot about the people going to PolitiFact that they're obviously very, very liberal.
In fact, that one more than double, more than double the percentage of people who thought this was the biggest lie.
The Russian state has never interfered into internal affairs, including election process.
Vladimir Putin.
They actually, they gave Donald Trump 36% of the vote and Vladimir Putin, who said that Russia has never, not even in this election, but has never interfered in U.S. internal affairs, which we all know to be false.
There's been people, numerous people caught doing it.
And that one isn't a big lie.
Although I will say my favorite lie comes in at, let's see, down there at seventh or eighth place.
Patriot Mobile Investment Scandal00:02:09
It's from Alexandria Casio-Cortez.
She said, unemployment is low because everyone has two jobs.
No, no, honey.
No.
And I don't want to talk down to you, but I feel I need to.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's not the way it works, sweetheart.
That's not the way it works.
I mean, this is a person with a master's in economics.
I am telling you, if I had a kid at BU, I would be calling the administration and saying, hold it just a second.
Is it fake news or did you give an economic degree to this woman?
Yes, we did.
Okay, I'm pulling my kid out.
I mean, how does that the most shameful thing, I think, the most shoddy work, a build, you know, that building in San Francisco that they built and they sold those apartments for millions of dollars and it's collapsing and they don't know what to do with it?
That looks like a genius move in shoddy workmanship compared to BU unleashing Casio-Cortez out with a degree in economics when she says things like, No, the reason why you people are so stupid.
You're listening to the best of the Glenn Beck program.
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Patriot Mobile actually is going to let you invest your money into the causes that you believe in.
But most of these cell companies, they give all kinds of money to crazy, crazy causes that you work hard against.
Michael Cohen Brand Protection00:15:49
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Mr. Bill O'Reilly.
Present.
So, Bill.
I'm here.
The number one story in your mind this week is killing the SS a huge success.
Okay, the number two story in your mind.
The biggest story in the country is if the president of the United States can psychologically and emotionally survive the daily attacks on him.
And you won't hear that anywhere else but here in the no-spin zone.
Because, you know, if you step back away from the hysteria and you look at Donald Trump, he's a human being.
You might not like him.
You might think he's not capable of being president, whatever.
But any human being put under the barrage of hatred directed toward him and having to defend himself every hour on the hour from whatever charge, the charge du jour, got to take a psychological toll on him.
And that is the story, the big story about all of this.
Okay, so let's take this apart just a bit.
First of all, Michael Cohen.
Michael Cohen, A, Donald Trump said, low-level guy.
Nobody believes that.
Was he a low-level guy?
Let me tell you about Michael Cohen.
All right.
I've never met the man.
At one point in the campaign, I was talking to Trump on the phone, and I was trying to get him on the factor that night.
And he said, well, I can't do it but take Michael Cohen, my attorney.
And I said, why would I do that?
I'm not going to put him on the air.
He's going to tell me what you want him to say.
I mean, why don't I just put a puppet on there?
You know, a real puppet.
Okay.
And that was the end of that conversation.
So Cohen was basically what they call a fixer.
And when Trump had an annoyance, which was what these women were to him, an annoyance, Cohen would deal with it.
So I don't know any more than that.
I don't know what Trump said to Cohen.
No one does.
But Cohen's charge working for Donald Trump was to fix things, fix annoyances.
And that's what he did.
Okay.
The problem has come in now with the National Inquirer that the National Inquirer has changed their story and now they're saying, okay, we did take direction from Donald Trump to pay this one person off.
That's a felony.
Cohen, do we have the audio of Michael Cohn on Good Morning America today when they asked him, why should we believe you now?
Listen.
So what do you say to people?
And, you know, there are a lot of people who would be watching who are going to be thinking, but wait a second, he lied for so long.
Why should we believe him now?
What's the answer to that?
What do you mean lied?
Lied about what?
At the Trump organization, it's a microcosm of even just the New York real estate market.
What do we lie about?
It's New York real estate.
Yes, it's the greatest product ever created.
Is that a lie?
Oh, but you pleaded guilty to lying to Congress.
Yes.
So why should we believe you now?
Because the special counsel stated emphatically that the information that I gave to them was credible and helpful.
There's a substantial amount of information that they possess that corroborates the fact that I am telling the truth.
So you're done with the lying.
I am done with the lying.
I am done being loyal to President Trump, and my first loyalty belongs to my wife, my daughter, my son, and this country.
Take that apart for me, Bill.
You know, it's I don't take Michael Cohen seriously, number one.
So your listeners, the people who listen to us every Friday, please take that into account.
I'm not like any of the commentators on cable news or George Stephanopoulos.
I don't take him seriously, all right?
Which means that whatever he says means nothing to me.
Nothing.
Hang on just a second.
Hang on just a second.
I think that's where most, not the media, but I think that's where most Americans are.
No doubt about it.
They just don't.
It's a very astute observation.
Yeah.
Okay.
So whatever he says means nothing to me as an American.
Okay?
That's number one.
Number two, Robert Mueller had nothing to do with Michael Cohen and what he did or did not do by paying women.
He referred that case out to the DA, to the federal attorney, U.S. attorney in Manhattan.
Why did Mueller do this?
For two reasons.
Number one, that had nothing to do with Russian collusion.
Okay?
So Mueller goes, you know, I can't get involved with this because it doesn't come under my mandate.
And number two, Mueller knew that Cohen's a sleazy weasel.
I'm not, you know, I'm sorry, but he is.
All right.
And he didn't want to be associated with a sleazy weasel.
He also knew that the careerists in the attorney's office, U.S. Attorney's Office in Manhattan, would be more than happy to take this guy apart, which they did.
They got into his taxi cab business.
They got into his dodging of taxes.
And then there came a point where they just said, look, Michael, just tell us what we want to know, and then we'll try to get you a light deal.
And Cohen did.
Okay, so Cohen.
Right.
Okay, hang on just a second.
So I agree with that analysis.
I think I would add it would be irresponsible of anyone in the justice system if they did find a crime that they didn't pass it on for further investigation to the appropriate people.
Maybe, maybe, but look, you're giving Mueller too much credit in the sense that nobody would pursue this kind of a thing.
This is what they call brand protection.
Brand protection.
Trump is a brand, okay?
So he's now running for president, and he doesn't want his brand attacked any more than it's already been.
So these women try to get money from him, okay?
So he says to his personal fixer, take care of it.
Take care of it.
And the fixer does.
Right.
And then, of course, the women come back for more money.
So, but it's not a problem with Cohn.
What it is, is a problem with, what is it, American Media, the Inquirer.
Look, I don't know what happened in the Inquirer.
Again, I mean, none of us are privy to that.
But this is the way business is done at that level.
See, I'm waiting for the New York Times to investigate itself because they've had buku private settlements in that newspaper.
And so is every major corporation in the country.
So I'm waiting for that.
But the National Enquirer is basically in business to scandalize people.
That's what they do.
All right.
So Trump has a relationship with the publisher, Packer, I think his name is, right?
Okay.
So, yeah.
Packer calls him and says, hey, I got this woman, and she wants to talk all about your affair, and what should I do?
And Trump says, well, you know, can you make her go away?
And Packer says, yeah, I can do whatever I do.
So they give her money, and she tells a story, and they just, they don't print it.
That happens all the time.
Right.
There's some critical things that you've left out, but we don't know if they're true or not.
So I'm not going to nitpick on this.
I want to get back to the there's no reason to believe the National Enquirer.
There's no reason to believe Cohn.
But I do believe the National Enquirer in this instance.
I think that happened.
Okay, but what I'm trying to tell you is there's no from from my point of view, I'm not a lawyer, but I've certainly had many lawyers on billoreilly.com.
Smart.
And very few of them see any crime at all.
This is business as usual, protection of a brand, a civil settlement.
All right.
And now they're trying to link it into the campaign finance, but it's a stretch, as we saw in the John Edwards case.
It's a stretch.
Right.
Now they can do it.
You know, what is it?
The indict the ham sandwich line?
Okay.
They can do it.
But do Americans feel that this was some kind of heinous, well-thought-out plot to subvert American election law?
So here's the thing.
In the 1970s, the Republicans eventually joined the Democrats and said, you know, we can't have this going on in the White House.
So we need to make sure that we have somebody telling us the truth.
And they didn't come to the table voluntarily, but they were eventually dragged to that table.
What are you talking about now?
Hang on.
Nixon, okay?
Okay.
And impeachment.
Then we had Clinton.
And so the people that were against Nixon and said, we have to know if the president is telling the truth and the president has to, he can't perjure himself.
He can't lie.
All of a sudden, they were fine with Clinton.
Sure, because it's hypocrisy all day long.
Correct.
You just raised a point that, and this, you're going to be amazed by my brilliance right now.
Are you ready?
Everybody ready?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
In Watergate, there was a crime.
Somebody broke in.
Somebody took stuff and they found him.
In Clinton, there was an incident involving an intern inside the White House.
No question it happened.
Perjury.
Here, here, okay, nobody knows what it is, this campaign finance thing.
Nobody knows what this is.
Was there a secret payoff?
Nobody knows.
There's no solid crime evidence.
It's theoretical.
Right, correct.
But if there is overwhelming evidence, as Cohen says, that might mean a blue dress of sorts, but I don't know what the crime is at that point.
We have to have a tape recording where Trump would walk into Cohen and say, hey, I want you to violate campaign finance laws and pay Z babes off because I want to run for president and win.
Thanks.
Let me know how it works out.
And then he leaves.
Let's take a look at, you want to talk about the person of the year?
That's your article.
The person of the year.
Okay, so Time magazine, which is on the ropes and really not a factor in this country anymore, which is stunning when you understand the history of that magazine.
They select journalists at risk for their persons of the year, okay?
But if you really deeply look into what they were doing, they were basically trying to humiliate Trump for saying fake news all over the place.
Yes, they put Khashoggi up and they put the five Maryland journalists who were slaughtered by a psycho up, and that's good.
I have no beef with that.
But the overall arch of the article was Trump is a villain, we hate him, and the usual.
Okay.
So the no spin person of the year is a person who helped this country.
All right.
So everybody should know my criteria.
And that is Senator Lindsey Graham from South Carolina.
Now, the reason I selected Senator Graham was twofold.
Number one, he single-handedly saved Brett Kavanaugh and his family from destruction.
And they should not have been destroyed.
So just on that basis alone, he saved four human beings from destruction.
And then he saved every single American citizen from losing a fundamental right.
And that is, you are innocent until proven guilty, due process.
Now, what Senator Graham did involved courage, articulation, and risk.
And that's why he is the no-spin person of the year.
I can't even believe that I actually agree with that.
It's like Lindsey Graham.
Lindsey Graham, of all people, I never would have thought I said anything positive about him.
I'm not a huge fan, but what he did is.
You agree, Stu, right?
Because the overwhelming logic of my argument is impossible to refute.
So you're taking credit for Lindsey Graham's achievements.
That's what I would expect.
Here's what I'm taking credit for, Stu.
You ready?
Yes.
The one moment this year of lucidity in your life is compliment of me.
I will say, though, I have not always had faith in Lindsey Graham.
And the fact that he was the one who was brave enough to stand up and say, hey, yeah, we don't convict people without any evidence.
That's not what this society is supposed to be about.
He deserves a lot of credit for that.
And he deserves to be the no-spin man of the year.
And he is, but you'll never see that anywhere else because this is a country that now does not value honesty and courage.
It does not value it.
Go ahead.
He is a ⁇ this is a good example of outrage used the correct way.
He was outraged about something real.
He was outraged about something that mattered.
It was genuine outrage.
People were feeling exactly the same way.
He handled himself entirely appropriately at the time.
He stated it eloquently, and then he was done.
Not all people.
He was viciously attacked for doing that by both the Democrats on the Judiciary Committee and the media.
So that required courage.
I wrote a long column, not long, but I wrote a column on this for billoreilly.com, which posted now.
And basically, I made the point is that, you know, there aren't many courageous people anymore in the public eye.
There are just not.
And when you see one sticking up for you, because Lindsey Graham wasn't sticking up for his party, he wasn't sticking up for himself.
He was sticking up for every single American who could be accused of anything at any time and saying we cannot convict on allegations as these senators are doing in front of the nation.
I mean, that took guts.
Lindsey Graham Political Courage00:09:25
And it wasn't a self-motivated statement.
It was a statement to help all Americans understand their rights and that their rights are under siege from the far left.
I think that's why it was effective, because if it had seemed prepared or contrived.
You know, if it was like, arrest me, I'm Spartacus.
I'm Spartacus.
Arrest me.
It would have gone nowhere.
Sincere.
Yeah, it was sincere.
And, you know, in the process, because there's always unintended consequences of everything you do and say when you're in public eye, he destroyed the candidacies of Corey Booker, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren.
They're done.
Okay, they cannot get any traction because of Lindsey Graham.
This is the best of the Glenn Beck program.
Ten years ago, ten years ago on this program, I made a mocking prediction and said, you know, I'll tell you what the left should be upset about.
It's a song.
And I laid out the case 10 years ago.
And while I've taken it a couple of steps further than they are currently, remember, this was comedy.
This was insane 10 years ago.
But baby, it's cold.
But baby, it's cold outside.
See, maybe this is just the.
Maybe this is just the negative side of me.
Beautiful, what's your body?
Listen to the fireplace.
Stop this song for a second.
You know, maybe it's just me, but I mean, this has always seemed like, oh, it's kind of cute.
But then I heard it done by Dean Martin.
And Dean Martin, you know, you couldn't trust.
I mean, he was a friend of Frank Sinatra.
You know what I'm saying?
Unions.
So then I hear it from Dean Martin.
And I think there's something here.
There's something much deeper than this.
In fact, go back to the beginning.
I just want you to listen to the words.
You know, it seems like, oh, it's like all of a sudden like a Rankin and Bass Christmas cartoon.
But baby, it's cold outside.
But baby, it's cold outside.
Okay, stop, First, she says, I really can't stay.
And he says, but baby, it's cold outside.
All right, so what I'm, if I may, in other words, what he's saying is, guess what, Skank?
Put out, or I'm going to leave you stranded in sub-zero temperatures.
You know what I mean?
It's cold outside.
Now, you might think that's a little dramatic.
You know, right now.
But may I lay the rest of the song out to provide some context?
Go ahead.
Ben Hovind at you dropping.
Okay, okay, okay, let's see.
Now, here she's saying, I really can't stay.
She's trying to politely get out of there.
I got to go away.
You know, that's what she says.
I got to go away.
When was the last time you said, I got to go away to somebody who's, hey, no, you just stay with me.
I got to go away.
You don't say I got to go away.
Then she says, the evening's been so very, very nice.
She's trying to act like nothing's wrong and excuse herself.
Right?
I got to go away.
The evening's been very, very nice.
And then what does he tell her he's going to do?
Listen to this.
I'm hoping that you drop in.
I'll hold your hands there just like I see.
Stop.
Just, stop, stop, just sing.
Holding your hand, that's a sign of affection, right?
Holding your hands, that's restraint.
That's a form of imprisonment.
Then she says.
Beautiful, what's your listen to that?
Stop, She says, my mother will start to worry, and my father will be pacing the floor, which is exactly the thing that a hostage says.
If my contact doesn't hear from me, they're going to come looking.
And then what does he say in response?
Listen to this.
Listen to the fireplace roar.
Stop.
See what I'm saying?
You didn't catch it?
Let me tell you something.
You're never going to work for the FBI unless you follow along.
You got a hostage situation.
He's holding her hands.
She's saying, There's somebody who's going to come for me.
They know where I am.
And then he says, Listen to the fireplace roar.
In other words, I'll burn you alive if you don't stay and put out.
That's what I'm hearing here.
Oh, how did we miss this our whole life?
Then she decides it's escalating too fast.
Listen to what she says.
To the fireplace roar.
Beautiful, please don't hurry.
Put some records on while I pour.
Stop, So she decides it's escalating out of control.
Well, well, I'll give him maybe just one more drink.
Just one more drink.
And then he distracts her.
He says, you put on some records.
First of all, who plays records anymore?
Serial killers.
She says, oh, okay, maybe half a drink more.
Maybe just half a drink.
And he says, yeah, put on some of those records while I pour.
So now he's set up to pour the drink while her attention is elsewhere.
What does he do?
He drugs the drinks.
Hello.
As evidenced by what she says next.
Put some records on while I pour.
Baby, it's bad out there.
No cabs to be had.
Stop, stop.
There it is, Your Honor.
Say, what's in this drink?
Then she says, But no cabs to be had out there.
Your eyes are like starlight.
Wish I knew how to break this spell.
I wish I say what's in this drink.
I wish I knew how to break this spell.
In other words, I got disingested of the date rape drug.
I'd like to stop the effects now.
He's going to burn me to death.
In the middle of it, he says, I'll take your hat.
Your hair looks well.
Okay, all right, all right.
He says, your eyes are like starlight now.
Clearly, the effects of GHB kicking in now.
And then he says, I'm going to take your hat.
Yes.
At her most vulnerable moment, he begins to take her clothes off.
Then she says, Mind if I move in close.
She says, I ought to say no, no, no, but she can't.
Why?
Because she's basically paralyzed now, laying next to the fire where she's terrified he's going to burn her to death.
And he mockingly says, Mind if I move in close.
No, this is a horror movie.
Knowing she can't resist, she takes solace in the fact that she at least has tried to stop his advances.
And then he says, Take your hat and your hair looks well.
Say no, but I can't.
I'm sorry.
At least I'm going to say that I tried.
Baby, it's cold outside.
Okay, look, I mean, the song stop it.
It's that we should never play this again.
It is the nightmare before Christmas.
You know, it just goes on and on and on.
You know, I simply must go.
The clear answer is no.
Yet he keeps coming and coming and coming.
You know what this is?
This is the story of the guy that dogged the bounty hunter arrested in Mexico.
Oh, the welcome has been so nice and warm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That warmth is, you know, the warmth that GHB induces.
You see what I'm saying?
Your lips look delicious.
Oh, I bet they do.
Hannibal the cannibal.
I get it.
Put out, or you're going to find yourself in an icy grave.
Merry Christmas.
Cocaine Eels and GHB00:09:01
Is that true?
That's a bit of a chance.
It is just me.
That is 10 years ago.
It was, I think, just me 10 years ago.
It was.
Now it's not.
And that was something that was a comedic observation 10 years ago.
Yeah.
It was, I mean, you'd never think we'd get to that ridiculous point.
Now, this is why there is no comedy anymore.
Because the things that are funny, you have to take it to the extreme.
How do you take America to the extreme now?
It lives at the extreme.
You're listening to the best of the Glenn Beck program.
You've been covering a couple of stories that, you know, have not been covered by the mainstream media or really anybody else.
Thus, the name Something's Off with Andrew.
Heaton.
Well, you know, there's a few things we endeavor to do.
It is a fun podcast.
It's a thoughtful podcast.
And so I bring on a lot of people to have discourse.
The motto of the show is good and intelligent people can disagree on matters of substance.
But before I get into that thoughtful stuff, I try and find headlines that I don't feel are getting sufficient attention in the national media.
And this week, I didn't even do multiple headlines.
I dedicated like a full block to trying to unravel this story, which I believe is what's going to get me the Pulitzer this next year.
Really?
Which is one of my goals for 2019.
Wow.
So what was the story that you were...
And I need to stress, I'm not making any of this up.
This is all totally legitimate.
Okay.
Scientists were concerned that in Hawaii, endangered monk seals kept being found with dead eels up their nostrils.
That they were apparently snorting eels.
Have you seen this?
Yeah, I saw this picture.
It's creepy.
And they don't seem to mind it.
They seem, I don't know seal psychology super well, but they appear to be kind of blithely unaware.
Or the fact that they don't have hands, they know there's nothing they can do about it.
So it's like, whatever, I got it.
They're the Buddhists of the animal world, where they're like, you know what?
Can't do anything about it, so don't reject it.
Just roll with the punch.
Yeah, so it started out with this photo that's gone viral where there's this seal monk that looks like it's half asleep with this two inches of eel dangling out of its nostril.
And this scientist, it was spotted on one of these endangered species cams or whatever, whatever the scientists have set up there.
And so he sent out this email, and I did some research on this.
The email subject line was just eel in nose, question mark.
And it was him emailing the other scientists to see if there was a protocol for removing eels from seal noses.
And they had to do it back and forth.
And eventually they're like, apparently we don't have this in the handbook.
So some guy just went out there and like pulled it out like a magic trick, like one of those handkerchiefs the magician has.
Oh.
Took out this dead, dead.
It was dead.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know how long it was alive.
By the time they got it, it was dead.
The seal was fine.
The seal was fine.
Although, this is one of the concerns they have: is that if this keeps happening, and they've got like five documented cases of this now, at least four.
They said four or five.
So I assume one of them might be the same.
They're just not sure.
But their fear is that if this keeps happening, that the monk seals will either get pneumonia or there just might be general health complications from having a rotting eel carcass in your nostril, which I think is a fair assumption.
And so I'd say.
So are the eels crawling in against the will of the seal?
That is a great question.
Or are the eels going somehow or another, come see what's inside the cavern of my face?
Okay, great question.
And this is what has been racking the scientific community these few months since this started happening.
We're putting cures for cancer on the back burner, and we're all trying to figure out.
That was important.
I mean, I'm a doctor, so I understand.
And I'm a deputy scientist.
Right, okay.
I own a lab coat.
That's how that works under U.S. law.
And no, so there's kind of three prevailing theories, and I've got my own fourth theory.
The first theory is that the monk seals, when they're hunting and they eat eels among them, they eat eels, urchins, and octopi.
The theory is that they will find a hole underwater and just kind of shove their head into it and start grounging around.
And there'll be an eel inside, and the only orifice with which it could escape is the seal nostril from the perspective of the eel.
So it just shoots up there trying to escape from the network.
So that's one theory, right?
That's a pretty good theory.
And that's pretty smart.
I feel like that's a good idea from the eel.
It's actually pretty smart.
It's, you know what?
Like, I mean, shoot the moon.
If you can make it through that whole gastrointestinal tract, you would be the greatest eel of all time if you could work your way through there.
But so far, well, you know what?
Maybe they have.
We're only seeing the dead ones, right?
Maybe the really fast eels get out.
I don't think it's super likely because apparently, again, I spent way too much time researching this.
Seals have pretty good muscle retention in their nostrils.
Like, I think it's almost like a sphincter or something where they can control that hole.
So I don't think it's likely something could force it in, which brings us to theory number two, which is that they're vomiting out the eels.
So if you've ever, you know, shoot Mr. Pip out your nose when you're laughing, because you're watching Newhart Newhart, great show, and you're watching that and Bob Newhart just, you're, oh, he's so funny.
Yeah.
And you shoot at that Mr. Pip out your nose.
Could be something like that, right?
Again, but it's like the whole eel.
So I don't think that's likely.
And the third one, which is kind of the one the scientists seem to be gravitating towards, is, and I'm not, again, this is them, not me.
Teenagers are dumb.
Their theory is that just there are dumb monk seals, probably males, that just snort eels for the hell of it because why not to impress their seal blood?
So it's like the T, it's like the seals tide pods.
It's like drag racing.
It's like Tide Pods.
It's like Tide Pods.
It's like the SEAL adults are like, look at these damn teenagers.
Our entire society of seals going to be wiped out in the next year.
The elder seals are talking about how the water used to be wetter and how the young seals are narcissistic.
They don't have proper seal respect.
Clap their flippers as well.
My theory, by the way, is I think there's probably cocaine in them.
I think that there's cocaine inside the eels.
I don't know where cocaine comes from, but it's probably eels.
It comes from plants.
Does it?
Well, maybe.
And I guess those eels are eaten because that's the only thing I can think of that would compel an edible to suck an eel up or any species to suck an eel up its nose.
That's the only thing I can think of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let me switch topics to Coke.
So if you're on the Pulitzer Committee, if you're listening, you're on the Pulitzer Committee.
I'm doing Yeoman's work here.
It's a big investigation.
It's on the level with the Miami Herald with all the stuff they did.
The Epstein case.
I mean, there's a few nominees, but you're there.
I'd share it with the Miami Herald.
So, you know, he does have an Emmy.
He won an Emmy.
I was given an Emmy by John Stossel.
So John Stossel, great guy that I worked with, or I worked near.
I wasn't on the same team as him at Fox Business.
This is the worst award ever.
So he was given to you.
He won it.
He gave it to you, and you weren't even working with him.
That's not winning it.
No, so you can't put that on the right side.
So, John, who, if you don't know, John, John's an incredibly smart guy and a very nice guy, but also the least sentimental human being I've ever met.
Like, he just doesn't, it's like he had to like he is like what AI is going to be.
Yeah.
He, he, like, he looks up like human emotions on Wikipedia, like, reads about them.
Yes.
Uh, and so for a while, what he would do is he uh, he would have these, he has like, I think eight national Emmys, which are a big deal, and he has like 400 local Emmys, which are important, but not as big of a deal.
So, when he would go to college campuses, whoever asked the best question, he would just give them a local Emmy.
So, when I left Fox, I went like, John, if you're just passing out Emmys, I'd take one.
And he's like, Why should I give it to you?
And I was like, Well, because you know, I do political satire.
And he just walked over and handed me a national Emmy and was like, Here you go.
And so, I thought this was really and the way the way he told this to me, he's like, Hey, you know, John really thought this was a funny thing that we did and everything else.
So, I'm on a plane with John just a few weeks ago, and we're flying to, I don't remember, Bermuda.
And so, he hops on the plane, and I said, John, I know a friend of yours, and he goes off and he talks and says all great stuff about Andrew Heaton and how much he loves him and everything else.
And I said, Andrew told me that you gave him a national Emmy, and he's like, Oh, yeah, yeah, you want one?
He's giving them away like they're candy, yeah, yeah.
No, no sabotality there.
Yeah, John was probably just tired of dusting, yeah, decided that was an easy way to get rid of it.
It's incredible, Andrew.
Uh, Andrew Heaton, something's off with Andrew Heaton is the podcast.