Jordan Jensen and Akaash Singh dissect her chaotic life, recounting airport altercations where she labeled a man a sociopath for hitting her dog, Coyote. They explore her stand-up special "Take Me With You," her history with bad acid trips managing OCD, and her controversial views on God being female due to menstruation. The duo debates chiropractic quackery, airplane seat etiquette, and gender dynamics in dating before concluding that modern power structures allow anyone with money to maintain a harem, challenging traditional religious and social hierarchies. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Respect for Women00:15:28
Dude, these women will blow anybody.
No offense.
It makes me respect women lesbian.
Dude, I don't respect women at all.
It's a huge problem.
Somebody's care about having a pregnant belly and just when my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you.
I'll do a clean uppercut.
Oh, I think about the uppercut all the time.
Dude, there was a guy last night walking around my house and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his penis.
It was almost like he wanted me to be like, it's good.
And then I walked up to the super and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere.
And the super goes, that's awesome.
And I was like, what?
They go, you have to be a lesbian.
There's no way you can suck and build a house.
And I go, I can do both.
It's pretty good.
So then I chased after him and I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath.
And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath.
I was like, you know what sociopaths do?
They f ⁇ kids.
And he looked at me like, don't do this.
And I went, hey, everybody, this guy.
I don't want to be a shit.
It was crazy.
I kind of wish that there were reptiles running the government.
I was thinking about that.
I wish I still had that back, that belief in the back of my mind.
Because right now it's just Trump.
It's just a guy.
You know what I mean?
It's just a guy on Twitter who watches Kimmel.
I'm like, no.
I can't have a president watching Kimmel.
There's got to be a puppet master, but I don't think there is.
None of him.
It's just a guy, dude.
That's depressing.
Yeah.
You want to believe it's reptiles.
At least Biden was controlled by somebody.
I mean, he was damned.
He had his dad controlling him, which was nice.
Yeah, yeah.
We had Henry Kissinger doing some shit, right?
But now it's just this guy.
Dude, did you see the video of Trump and Kirk's wife?
No, I haven't seen the video.
I've seen the still pictures, but I haven't seen the video.
They're just spray tans rubbing off on each other.
It's a blending of makeup.
It's a Sephora mess.
It's crazy.
Alex McMullen.
I did see a Kirk specifically wanted to be here because she's a big fan of yours.
So she's sitting in.
Hello?
They only let me speak if there's another woman here.
Yeah, that makes sense.
That makes sense.
No, no, no.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
You have to translate for me because they don't understand what I'm saying.
You have to be like, what she's saying is this.
I'm also terrible at the computer.
So everyone.
Yeah, so we're going to bring it up.
You're already the wrong image.
So, oh, no, there we go.
Is that what you're looking for?
Yeah.
Yeah, but they really were squishing the tans together quite a lot.
It feels, it feels, does it feel sexual?
That's what people are implying.
I actually don't think that.
I think she's seeking comfort.
Is there anything for you?
Like, am I attracted to this?
Would I jerk off to this?
No.
That's a lot of fun.
If you take her out of there, I'd probably beat off to it once or twice, but it's not given sexual to me at all.
Yeah, I don't feel like it's sexual.
He is the most unnatural hugging person in the entire world.
Like, you can tell she's trying to be like, let's show some level of intimacy and vulnerability.
And he's so weird about it.
Oh, man.
He's like giving her hard taps the whole video, like hard back taps.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That burying in daddy's chest, though, I do, I get what she's doing.
I get that feeling.
Okay, now this, let's talk about this.
So I was watching your stand-up special last night.
It's phenomenal.
Everybody, check it out.
It's on Netflix.
Take me with you.
Watch it.
Take me with you.
Yeah, that was a poor plug on my part.
Take me with you.
It's phenomenal.
You talk a lot about wanting to fuck your dad.
Yeah.
We found a picture of him.
I think I have pretty good taste in men.
I don't know that I would fuck this guy.
You found him when he's old.
Oh.
Do you have any picture of him?
Good distinction.
Dad?
This is a great disclination.
Can we pull up the picture?
I definitely have hot dad.
And if you're okay with it, we would show this on the pod.
We don't have to.
Let me send you hot dad.
It's a picture.
Yes.
Please send hot dad.
Because I want to support you in this.
I love indulging this idea that you have a hot dad that you would fuck.
It's a very fun idea.
Oh, yeah.
But I wouldn't fuck that guy.
You're a hater.
Even if he's not my dad.
You would fuck that guy?
You don't like the golden bachelor right there?
You also don't like white guys.
So it's like.
You know, I like white guys, not white girls.
Yeah, that's my dad, like a month before he died.
No, he's still kind of hot.
Yeah.
See what I'm saying?
Okay, this guy's not bad.
No, you don't know how ripped he is.
Oh, yeah, but he was ready.
You can show the group.
Oh, hell yeah.
I don't think he's reddish.
He looks skinny, but he was like, he was my mom.
He just was mean.
It doesn't that.
Oh, dude, look at this picture.
That's him rugby.
I get it.
Yeah.
He does it.
I get it.
Okay.
And now we're 1v2 like that.
Get my dad off the screen.
I don't want to fucking Jesus Christ.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, you're staring at my dead dad on the screen.
No, I don't like that.
You talk like that fucking your dead dad.
I don't want to look at a picture of him and freaking right before he died.
That's his obituary picture.
Do you send the hot picture and pull that up?
That photo of your father that we.
If you texted me, I'll text it to Alex because she'll probably stop the fuck out of you.
Give her your number.
That's very true.
That photo of your dad that was pulled up from the obituary looks so much like the dad in a night's tale.
The night's tale?
The Heath Ledger one?
Yeah, the Heath Ledger one.
Like the blind father.
Yeah.
That's unbelievable.
I thought that was even more effective than the father.
What a deep cut reference to his type in dad.
Why don't I have more photos of him?
Because he wasn't a great dad, it seems like.
Apple needs to review before it sends it.
Yeah.
That is my dad.
Am I crazy?
That looks like him?
Yeah.
Not far.
Not far.
Your dad's better looking than this.
Yeah.
Can't you look up like Jack Jensen Facebook?
There's hell isn't everybody.
I feel like there is.
We're putting you in an existential spot.
No.
I want to see how hot he is.
I love fucking hot.
You saw those pictures.
He was a piece of picture.
I thought I was a picture.
That was in the picture.
I don't have to dig for it.
It also doesn't matter, like, if your dad is ripped and angry with you, he's hot.
Also, he was like a horse trainer and he was a carpenter.
Everything he did was hot.
Oh, that's true.
He would get angry and yeah.
Carpenter, laying wood.
Yeah, I get it.
Horse trainer.
That's sexy.
Yeah.
Controlling the beast.
Yeah.
And he fucked everyone around me.
He was having sex with women constantly, so I could hear them enjoying it.
Really?
Yeah, that's a little wild.
Fucking your mom around you.
That seems like it's not.
My mom fucked around me a lot, too.
Well, I mean, your dad fucking your mom around you.
That feels like a good thing for a kid to hear, I think.
But it's just worse.
When your dad is fucking your mom, you're like, quit fucking my mom.
When your dad is fucking a woman, you're like, get it.
Get it, dad.
Yeah, you know.
When he's fucking your mom, you're like, get out of my mother.
Yeah, exactly.
You want to help your mother.
That's not your dad having sex.
It's your mom getting it.
Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
I don't think a child is like, get it, dad.
You know what I mean?
I think an eight-year-old's like, what did my dad?
Laying pipe.
Yeah.
Making a stranger squeal later.
Yeah.
I would just sabotage everything while he was sleeping with these women.
I would take their shoes and feed them to my Labrador.
And I would try and put super glue on their purses and stuff.
Oh my god.
Because I saw Matilda with the hat.
Super glue dries, turns out.
It just dries pretty quickly.
So it never works.
Matilda when Danny DeVito, have you seen that?
She put the hat with a hat and then he puts it on.
What an insane prank.
That is hilarious.
You were just mischievous.
I was really mischievous.
Well, they were fucking my boyfriend.
He's not okay.
He was cheating on me.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, did you ever talk to your dad about the fact that he was you ever mentioned at least in passing?
You're a good looking guy.
Do you ever like to try to soft play and see?
Oh, of course.
I mean, growing up, all of our friends wanted to sleep with him.
So he knew.
Oh, totally.
So I'd be like, dad, you have to like wear pants when my friends are over and stuff.
Okay.
Did he have game?
Did you ever see him like flirting?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, totally.
He had serious game.
And he was, he would get really high all the time.
So he would just offer my friends weed and then they would have to be like, oh, my God.
And then they would just be like, oh, and the hot pair?
That's good.
That's a lethal conversation.
A lot of weed.
Did he fuck any of your friends?
No, he fucked one of my sister's friends.
I just saw the other day.
Older sister, younger?
Older sister.
Thank God.
We were like driving one time and my friend was biking in front of us and I was like, oh shit, that's Nell.
And he was like, wow, she's really grown up.
I remember that so well.
And being like, dad, she's not grown up.
She's not grown up.
And it was like her ass.
You know what I mean?
Like, she was like driving with a lifted butt.
You know what I mean?
And I was like, please, please just.
Oh, yeah.
She was like sitting off the seat.
Yeah.
For real.
No, he fucked everybody.
Every waitress at every diner he fucked.
And it would be so frustrating because they would come over and be like, hi, Jack.
And I'd be like, dude, did you fuck this lady also?
And it was.
Yeah, he does rule.
Dude, he was awesome.
Wait, would you ask him that for real?
Yeah.
If he would be honest, he'd be like, yeah, I fucked her.
He would make me go on dates with her to tell if a woman was whack or not.
He would have women calling.
We had a rotary phone because he was into old shit.
And I would hang up on this.
I would have to hang up on this woman.
I'd have to sit by the phone.
And every time she called, hang up on her because she would obsessively call.
It was crazy.
Oh, his dad had a dark strong, dude.
Yeah, she was so hot.
She was super hot.
But crazy.
Crazy, obsessed with him.
She tried to steal my cat.
Wait, how?
When she moved, he kicked her out and she took my cat in her car.
And I remember him running after her car being like, wait, wait, wait.
And I remember seeing in her face, I remember this so well.
It must have been like four or five.
And I remember seeing her be like, oh my God, he's stopping me to like take me back.
And he just reached into the car, took the cat, and was like, all right, now you can leave.
And I was like, yes, different push.
Yes, my boyfriend.
Psyches were my sights for my honor.
I was really happy.
Yeah, I think women don't talk about it, but I think when you are raised with a not autistic father, which most people were, I think that, and you are a female and your dad holds you on their chest, I think you get really attached to that feeling.
And then I think that you try and replace that forever.
But I don't think people, did you have a hot dad?
Did you have a dad?
Yes.
Did you have a rip dad?
Strong?
Did he put the mic closer to yourself?
Did he lift you up?
Did he lift you up?
He wasn't very affectionate.
So it was just like, oh, that's like a guy who lives in my house.
Like it wasn't like, like, there were no hugs.
You didn't sleep in his bed at all?
Never.
I think we've hugged maybe like thrice.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's what I mean by autistic dad.
A lot of people said that.
Unemotional.
I think guys do this also.
What?
Do you have a daughter?
No, I have a son.
Okay, great.
No, his son's probably going to want to blow him.
What?
I'm telling you, if you're a normal dad, you're not gay.
No, he wasn't a good dad.
If he was better, you said you're going to be such a good dad that he's going to want to bother.
Oh, yeah.
Shut that thing clean off.
When you're doing your job, you're going to get sucked off by a baby.
Yeah, you don't want to.
You're not three years old.
He wants to replace that pacifier with something.
With all due respect.
There's no respect.
He's talking about me fucking my child.
There's no respect.
No, I'm not saying he'll fuck your child.
I'm just saying she's bringing up a good point.
And if you have a parent, you oftentime go and fuck them and you have a kid.
So don't you guys want to fuck your moms at all, little?
No, I don't think so, but I do think guys in their partners find qualities similar to the TV.
I fuck your mom.
I never wanted to fuck my mom.
But I get why any guy would want to fuck.
I'll be like, yeah, good for you.
I think my mom should get dick.
I want that for her.
I care about her.
I hope that happens.
I hope that's happening.
Her and my dad are still together.
Oh, wow.
That's why he wouldn't fuck his kids together.
That's why he wouldn't fuck his mom because he doesn't have a good dick.
He'd be a disappointment.
Then maybe that's maybe subconscious.
Yeah.
You're going to let her down twice?
Yeah.
Not a doctor and that's just like fuck.
Yeah.
She already knows what your dick looks like.
You're like, we're not going to fuck.
We're never going to fuck.
She's seen my dad.
But Al's mom hasn't had sex in decades.
I can satisfy her.
Al's mom.
Yeah, she hasn't fucked in a decade.
Really?
Yeah.
Why?
Since my parents got divorced, she just gave up.
Really?
Is she hot, though?
I would say she's cute.
She's cute.
All due respect.
She got good dad.
I don't know.
Wait, how's that Puerto Rican?
She's old school.
We don't do the gay stuff, don't really.
Yeah, they don't believe in it.
I mean, sometimes, how old was she when she got divorced?
Probably 30.
Oh, young.
Yeah.
Okay.
Because sometimes when you get divorced at like 55, you're like, why would I ever go back?
I just went through a breakup and I'm like, I don't think I'm ever want to have sex again.
Because that's what you know what I mean.
You're just like, I'm pretty up and down with this guy.
I heard you.
You shut your mouth.
Where did you really talk about that?
Stop response.
Fucking A.
That was right.
That was the day after the breakup.
I'm going there so hot.
I'm so mad at all women.
I fucking drop a slur and it goes online.
Everybody's freaking out.
And I was like, you didn't know how sad I was.
Yeah, we just, I get what you are.
You're like a very strong premises.
You just got to let you just got to let you play and you'll land the plane.
I felt like you didn't get to land the plane, but you have these really premises that sound insane.
But if you just, if I just let you go, it's going to be a fine thing.
You're like, ah, I know where she's going.
I know.
I know.
That's not him.
You say whatever you want to say.
We'll let you land the plane.
I promise.
That's great.
Because I'm not going down that road again.
I'm not fucking doing that.
I had no idea.
I mean, I had no idea.
It's like, it's like Gillis with the SNL thing.
I didn't know if you were quoting, I knew only with the N-word, but I didn't know if you were saying, this is a bad person who said this bad word.
I didn't know you couldn't say the bad word.
I knew I couldn't be like, you are.
You know what I mean?
But I thought I could be like, they called me.
Yeah.
Right?
That's what I think.
Well, if you're getting it.
For some reason, we're all fine with that.
It's my favorite word.
Yeah, I know.
If I was black, I'd use the N-word nonce.
It'd be like a problem.
I know.
I like it.
I've said this to Alex.
I'm like an N-word somalier.
Like, I know a good word.
When a black person says the N-word really well, I'm like, that was not that good at it, to be honest with you.
It's fine.
Not around non-he's got like a white Zinfandale N-word.
I did have a really good one the other day alone in the car.
Wait, what's up?
The person or is it just the word?
I'll say it.
I'm asking.
I'm trying to swear up.
I'm trying to make sure she's not getting in trouble again.
I'm asking.
Jesus.
What was it?
It was.
Wait, I need a word to say that sounds like chicken.
No, no, no.
I don't know.
Oh, I made chicken by mine.
Chicken's good.
Okay.
Is it?
Basically, this guy was pumping my dad.
Let's not do chicken.
I'm saving the rainbow.
I'm saving you right now.
Let's not do chicken.
Let's do ninja.
Ninja is great.
No, no, no.
T-shirt.
Let's do t-shirts.
No, ninja is great.
Because it needs to sound right.
Anyway, basically, this guy was pumping my gas and he was this little tiny Mexican guy.
And he got done and he stuck his head in the window and he went, he went, you know, thank you.
And then he went, oh no, he goes, thank you.
And I rolled up the window and I went, Ninja says, thank you.
And I'm like, I will say that my friend was in the car.
And we probably laughed for like a good hour.
Ninja said, thank you.
Okay.
Sometimes you have to.
I don't know how to make it.
Sometimes hilarious.
You know, when you're in a vacuum.
Yeah.
All right.
No malice.
No victims.
What about a soft A when I'm alone with my dog?
Horse Girl Energy00:11:38
Soft A. Alone, do your thing.
Okay, great.
Do your thing.
Because sometimes, you know, when she's being good, she's my little ninja.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know.
Do you think?
When you're alone, do you think?
Right?
Yeah.
Because you got it.
There has to be some.
We can't just be like, that's deleted from your vocabulary.
That doesn't work.
That's like when you're like, it's too intrusive, thoughty.
Yeah.
You know, there has to be some output.
It's bullshit.
If you like rap music, I know you sing along to the lyrics.
I know he sings along to it.
I know Miles loves to sing along to it.
This guy.
I actually don't, but I had a black guy tell me when I was 14, a friend of mine.
He's like, don't ever do that.
You can't mute it.
How are your thoughts?
Yeah, I think it.
Yeah.
But yeah.
Who doesn't think it?
They listen to a song.
If you don't know the lyrics, you're a fucking white boy.
You know what I mean?
That's some white shit tonight.
You're going to pause on it when you're alone.
Yeah.
No, that's right.
That's almost more racist.
Fine.
I'm fine.
I'm not going to say that word.
I'm fine being racist.
I'm okay with that.
Okay.
Yeah.
The generational triumph tour of 2026.
We are in theaters.
This shit is crazy.
First of all, before I get to that, 2025, we got shows you need to buy tickets for because they're already selling out.
We got San Jose.
We've already sold out two shows, October 24th, 25th, something like that.
If you look at the website, that shit is selling out.
Cobbs Theater in San Francisco tickets are already selling out in late November.
We got the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island this week, October 16th.
That's about to sell out.
So buy your tickets for this year.
But Generational Triumph Tour.
First of all, Canada, thank you so much.
We sold out three shows already in the first day in Toronto.
That's 3,300 tickets.
Vancouver, we sold 1,500 tickets in the first day.
I just expected more love.
I'm not even calling out every American city.
Dallas, my hometown, step it the fuck up.
We're going to sell it out, but I was trying to do two, three, four shows because it's Dallas.
It's where I love.
They're going to sell out one, maybe two.
What is that?
Step, put your foot on the fucking gas, Dallas.
I know there's a lot of Indians and we wait to do everything that's not academic, but buy your fucking tickets for the Generational Triumph Tour.
Every other city, I'm very happy with you guys.
Dallas, I'm deeply disappointed in Dallas.
That was a nice sentence.
Three D's right there.
Anyway, go to Akashing.com for all of those dates.
I'm coming to a city near you.
Best show I've ever done.
I'm very excited.
Thank you to everybody who has bought tickets.
If you want tickets, you're on the fence.
I promise this will be the best, one of the best shows you've ever gone to.
That's the goal.
I love you guys.
Thank y'all.
Mark Gagnon got shows too.
If you can't go to my show, go to Mark's show.
If you go to either show, go to my shows.
But I don't think we're going to be in the same city anyway anytime because Mark is in Nashville, Tennessee, October 23rd.
Mobile, Alabama, roll tide, October 24th.
October 25th, New Orleans, Louisiana.
Listen, I told Mark that New Orleans is an incredible city, but a dog shit comedy scene.
Prove me wrong.
Go to the shows.
Everybody says it sucks.
Prove us wrong.
November 9th, Denver, Colorado.
Y'all are the best comedy city in the country.
I'm not even trying to hate.
Go to that show.
November 16th, Hoboken, New Jersey.
November 23rd, Philly.
December 5th, Fort Wayne, Indiana.
December 6th, Detroit, Michigan.
MarkGagnonLive.com.
Go see the boy.
He's blossoming.
It's beautiful.
We love him.
We love y'all.
God bless.
How do you feel about the T-R-A-N-N-Y word being as bad as the N-word now?
It's not as bad as the N-word.
You're not allowed to say it.
Interesting.
Didn't you explain it?
Wasn't it good that black people had the only word that had been completely deleted from the vocabulary?
It's the least we could do for that.
It's the least we can do.
Yeah.
I feel like Trump kind of brought back the T-R word.
No, apparently not.
I think there's like, I think, I think those are back.
I think the far left is trying to fight for it again to like, because they feel like it's, you know, they need to fight for something.
So.
No, you can't.
The T-R-A-N-W are not good.
As bad now as the N-word.
I didn't get the memo.
I didn't either.
I didn't either.
And then Twitter told me a lot.
Let me tell you something.
We say whatever, say it.
We don't care.
I'm not saying it.
There's one word that we don't care.
This guy self-mutes himself while he's alone and he's telling you to say it.
I'd say tranny.
Whoa.
Well, I'm offended, bro.
Altosha is canceled.
You're going to get dragged, dude.
If y'all weren't ever subscribed to me in the first place, something kind of derogatory about them.
Huh.
Okay.
I just want to be, you know, I want to be on this.
I'm going to be even, me and you.
I didn't say something derogatory.
I just said that when I think of that word, I think of drag queens.
And then people thought that I was basically saying that trans people are in drag.
Please don't click that part off me now.
God.
No, dude, I got you.
I got your back.
Explain it.
We got you.
I said that that word is so antiquated that when people say it, I think of drag queens, right?
Because it's like such a 1970s terminology.
And then they clipped it.
They're making fun of people who use the word.
Right.
Like actually on the right side here.
Goofy.
Yeah.
It's the corny.
Yeah.
The internet.
Yeah.
It's just every human being is on there.
Not every human being is intelligent.
Yeah.
It's tough to remember that, but that's the, that's the thing.
The best one, because when I don't, as a woman, when you're looking through hate, when you're getting attacked, you know, because they're like stupid, ugly, dumb, not funny, blah, blah, blah.
You're reading all these things.
You're just looking for the word fat.
And one of my best friends sends me a snippet that's like, I think you would like to see this because it's me and Stavros.
And it goes, this is just a fat retard talking to a skinny retard.
And I was like, oh my God.
I was like, I'm setting this as my background.
It's all you're looking for.
You're just like, please don't call me fat.
Please don't call me fat.
Yeah.
100%.
Crazy.
Right?
Damn.
Yeah.
We've been through this.
It's so funny.
We did an episode in Akash God.
Oh, my God.
They call me Fatal.
It was so funny.
Not my favorite.
I remember being, I remember waking up and being like, why my face looks so puffy?
I don't know what that is.
And then I was like, I must be in my head.
This is not real.
And then I did the episode, go home.
Three days later, it comes out.
Everybody's like, what the fuck happened to this guy?
What did happen?
I don't know.
Somehow it's just, I maybe ate some salt.
Oh, you had a fat thing.
Yeah.
MSG food or something.
Who knows?
The best comment was on his period.
Did Akash eat Andrew?
Someone was like, you know, the worst one was somebody's like, I don't know why you guys are being so hard on him.
So what he gained a little weight.
And I was like, that one artist.
That's the worst one.
Because they're defending you and they agree.
That is worse.
Totally.
Brutal.
I'm skimming the whole time for it.
Every time if I don't get it, I'm like, this is so nice.
This is, I'm, I'm going places.
It's really, really good.
It is funny.
I didn't realize how much worse the hate comments were for women until my wife got on TikTok.
And it's just crazy the shit people are saying.
Oh, yeah.
It's unhinged.
I thought it was unhinged for everybody.
And it was like, nah, that's real.
And then you get the switch.
You get them doing all these hate comments.
And then I've had ones where people are saying such inflammatory shit to me.
So I DM them and I'm like, hey, what did I do to like make you despise me?
And then they're like, I want to have sex with you.
I want to fuck out.
Really?
No.
I'm not doing that.
And they go, whore, fat whore.
Skinny whore, please.
Yeah, it's crazy.
It's crazy.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, it probably is just all rooted in that.
Just being like, I want you.
And then they just are so mean.
Dude, everybody online does this thing if they are attracted to me where they'll be like, for some fucked up reason, I can't figure out why I'm attracted to it.
It's like unbelievable how often that happens.
Or they'll be like, dude, I was hit in the head when I was eight, and for some reason, I want to fuck towards.
I'm like, what is going on?
It's unbelievable.
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
I saw one guy, bro.
This is the most painful one.
He was like, I know that, I know that you do this whole thing where you try to look unattractive, but I know you're secretly an attractive person.
And I was like, I put makeup on every day.
I'm trying my absolute hardest.
All right.
I didn't get your picture of your hot dad.
Okay.
I don't know if you sent it, but I'm going to put my phone back on real quick.
I'll put it above real.
Look at that.
I need to find the hot dad.
Oh, you want it on my phone?
Yeah.
Can I search my phone?
I would never replace happy.
That goes in the secret file.
Put it on my Google Chrome private.
Oh, my God.
I found a hot one.
Oh, yeah.
This is his carpenter days?
Carpenter days.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
He was a horse.
He just like broke thoroughbreds.
We had no money, so he let him out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
So he let people just board the god damn it.
So he let people board the horses at our house and then he would break them by just, you know.
Did you ever ride horses?
Showing them his cock.
I rode way to a horse dude.
Yeah.
How long did you ride horses for?
We had to sell my horse probably until I was 12.
Damn.
Would you consider yourself a horse girl?
I was a horse girl.
Recently, I got on a horse, but Ian was on another horse, and I was really scared to be on the horse because his horse was behind my horse, and Ian's mentally challenged.
And I was really worried that the horse was going to, so I was like, maybe I'm not a horse girl, but I might be a horse girl if Ian's not on a horse behind my horse.
But I got recently, I've been like, I'm a little, I'm a little afraid of they're a little, I'm a little scared of them.
They're huge.
And now I have so many from being a kid, I was like, this is so fun.
But as an adult, I'm like, now I know so many stories of people just falling off and being paralyzed forever and then just getting trampled by a massive cow.
You know?
Yeah.
It's really hard.
First time I went on a horse, I made that mistake.
I was like, oh, I see it in all the movies.
I just go, yeah.
And this shit is a little bit more.
It's just fucking walking.
I mean, I thought it was a trained horse and it wouldn't be.
It is trained.
That's why it ran.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
That's actually the best counterpoint I've heard in this stand.
I just said I did the stupidest thing.
I acknowledge that.
But yeah, that was, I almost died.
Did you fall off?
No, no, no.
I stayed up.
Miles, you in this group?
Yeah.
Also, Jack Jensen.
They'll just run into tree.
They don't care about human beings.
They'll just run into trees to get you off their back.
They'll buck off.
It's like, it sucks.
But it is, but I would consider myself a horse girl in the sense that when I'm around horses, I do the whole like, we have a spiritual connection talking to this horse, which makes you a horse girl.
Yeah.
Do you know the horse girl stereotype?
Yeah, I don't.
Oh, this is a thing.
Oh, I love educating y'all about this.
I love learning about subsections of white women.
I only know.
Oh, there's so many.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, there's a ton.
And the horse girl is one of the more interesting ones.
I knew many horse girls growing up.
And they always had sort of like a spiritual sexuality to them.
Yeah, Whores.
They're literally horses.
Wait, they dress like them.
No, no, no.
This is a fetish.
A horse girl, like, stereotypically, I've found to be very sexual.
They're so sexual.
I don't know.
Is that why?
Hyman snaps in half on the horse when they're fucking 10 years old and they bounce, right?
And then they get a little bit of a damn.
I don't know if this is real.
It is real.
It is real.
They get a little tattoo of their horse that says dynamo on a tramp stamp, right?
And then they fuck everybody.
There's something about them getting their vagina slammed over and over by the saddle that makes them very horny.
And they're mean.
They bully each other.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they're like kind of, they almost have like a masculine nature to them.
They started off as kind of a hot thing and then it just got worse and worse.
It's kind of like it just feels aggressive.
There's a little bit of Christianity in there too.
So yeah, I think they're soakers.
I think they're letting the dick in, but not having it go.
You know, like that's true.
Yeah.
And I think if you grew up with horses, you're either super rich and we don't know about those, but there's also a trashy group.
You know what I mean?
And I think the trashy group has God and sex.
You said you're a horse girl.
Yeah, I would consider myself a horse.
Mean Horse Girls00:05:04
How much more girl do you?
Trashy.
Okay.
No religion, though.
So just whore.
Just horror through and through.
No soaking, fucking at 14.
You know what I mean?
Just be like, get in there.
Get the fuck in there.
There's no hymen.
The way is cleared.
And you said you're so the OCD, you have OCD.
I have crippling OCD.
I mean, I've dealt with it through a lot of acid, but.
Oh, that helps.
Because my wife has OCD as well.
I think it manifests differently than yours, probably.
Just like the thought, repetitive thoughts, like intrusive thoughts.
Yeah, I think, and then intrusive thoughts like, what if this person that I love dies?
What if I can't, what if I think about them more and that's what's going to make them die, et cetera, et cetera, like shit like that.
Oh, yeah, that's a rough one.
Yeah, it's rough.
That's straight up OCD.
I have that.
Yeah, because that's zonified.
Yeah.
Does she have gruesome thoughts?
Yeah.
Gruesome thoughts.
Can't stop it.
And then she's like, she's like, well, I don't have it about you for some reason, but I have it about like my love.
And I'm like, well, that's weird.
Now I feel like, yeah, yeah, why are you leaving me out of this?
Think about me getting stabbed.
Yeah, she doesn't have any gruesome thoughts about you.
No.
Oh, she does not love you, sir.
That's really all my gruesome thoughts are about.
Maybe she are you the more, are you more in on the relationship than she is?
What do you mean?
Am I more in love with her?
Yeah, no, I don't think so.
Okay, so then that's what it is.
Because I have that with guys that are a little bit out on me.
I'll be like, I don't, I don't have to, if you die, then maybe my life will be better, kind of, you know what I mean?
Okay, like a little bit, maybe I'll be free.
Yeah, but I have it with people that like depend on me.
I'm like, what if I slice their throat?
Because they depend on me and they need me and they love me.
Oh, she depends on me more than I depend on.
If that, right, that's what I mean.
I think we probably might love her more, but she definitely misses me more.
Like when I'm on the road, she's like, I miss you.
And I'm like, she's like, do you miss me?
And I'm like, I would love if you gave me the chance to fucking do that.
Yeah, totally.
That's what we do: we miss.
You know, we're lying.
Do you know that?
We don't miss you.
We say we miss you.
Oh, yeah.
We're not, we don't.
Well, this makes me feel much less.
Oh, I love that.
I love that.
When we say I miss you, all that means is I want you to tell me that you miss me.
We do not miss you.
We just want validation.
100%.
Oh, it's such a relief.
Fascinating.
Wait a minute.
Wait, you're posting.
I don't miss it.
It's actually so disturbing that you guys think we can go 24 hours and then miss you.
We literally want to be like, are you fucking somebody right now?
Please tell me that you miss me.
That's all we're asking.
Are you cheating on me?
And can you give me validation so that I know that you're not?
We don't miss you.
Why would we miss you?
We have, we're busy.
We have our whole lives.
If you don't miss us, we don't miss you.
There is like a connection between couples.
I believe this very strongly.
I believe that a little more emo and shit.
Huh?
Yeah.
A little more emotional.
So I would think you know.
No.
We just are worried that you're, we're just, we just are more.
Um, I don't think my wife has that fear with me.
I've said this before.
I would never cheat on you because I love you, and also my dick game is trash and it would embarrass both of us.
Yeah, but just because you say that the road is a scary place.
We have to get some, we have to get the letter home.
Yeah, I get it.
But like, there's not that many Miami's Fort Lauderdales.
It's more like fucking to you know, Lincoln, Nebraska.
Dude, these women will blow anybody.
No offense.
They are scary, dude.
I will have a fucking host opening for me, bombing every show.
And he's like, I just got a head in the bathroom from under your pants.
I can't hate it.
What is going on?
It makes me respect women, Leslie.
You'll fuck the guy there.
I don't respect women at all.
It's a huge problem.
No, it's a huge issue.
Also, the way women come after me, a show, a guy will come up to me and be like, Do you want to fuck?
And I'm like, no.
And they're like, great.
A woman will come up to me and try and climb into my skin sack and get on me like fucking Yoda and be and be like, we're going to go home together.
And then you know for an answer.
It drives me crazy.
That was my plan for after this pod.
Yeah, see?
She was going to me.
Yeah.
She's a huge fan.
Yeah.
And it fell a little sexual.
Do you have a boyfriend?
I have a few.
So she's gay.
Oh, you're gay.
In a way.
You're bisexual?
No.
I can tell you're gay by the way you refuse to put that microphone close to your fucking motherfucker.
Yeah.
What kind?
You know, just like Polly?
Give me a goddamn label so that I can die.
No, I don't like the label.
That's the.
I'm just how old are you?
That's the label.
Oh, you're 25.
Go fuck yourself.
You know what I mean?
You're 25 years old.
Another one of our younger friends of the show, he recently was bragging to us that he was like, oh, I just, I did something awesome.
High five in a million angels.
I ate this girl out while she had a yeast infection.
And he wanted us all to like congratulate him.
I just wanted to get your reaction.
It's very dangerous for his.
He can get yeast infection in his mouth.
Is that true?
Really?
Yeah.
Babies get yeast infection in their mouths from breastfeeding yeast infection.
Yeah, totally.
That's disgusting.
I was thinking death penalty, but I just wanted to say disgusting behavior.
That man needs to be taken out.
That woman needs to be taken out for allowing that.
We all know you do the forehead pound.
If there's any, you go, no, no, you hit them right on the forehead.
Yeah.
Or you play, you do the pick me thing where you go, I don't, I'm not really not into that.
Dangerous Yeast Infection00:02:16
I just like penetrative sex.
You know what I mean?
Or you just go down.
You lie.
No, that's what you do if you have a yeast infection.
You lie.
You go, I'm not really into yeast.
Just to get the itch from the inside.
Oh, I see.
No, I've heard it said it feels actually good.
You don't think penetrative sex has a yeast infection?
No, totally fine.
I have a whole bit about that in the special where they're like, you're so tight.
And you go, thanks.
It's inflammation.
Oh, you cram it in there, dude.
Oh, it helps.
Cram it in there.
I stopped getting yeast infections because I stopped eating sugar.
I heard you talking about that.
And so it's working out.
That's amazing.
Wait, so my vagina feels like sugar, no sugar fixed the yeast infections.
You said acid fixed OCD.
I just write like a handbook on it.
But the acid is risky because I also almost killed myself.
You know what I mean?
I was a hero dose, and I went into a room and was like, I'm going.
I thought that I had to die that day for some reason, like my, because I was on the cover of some newspaper for building a house in Ecuador.
So I was like, oh, I'm supposed to die today.
But then I went into the room and I dealt with OCD for six hours.
So it is damned.
Were you acting on the cover of a newspaper?
It was just like I built a house in Ecuador when I was like in high school and the journal put it up on the, you know what I mean?
Like, but I saw it and I was like, oh, I'm supposed to die today.
What was that an OCD thought or was that an acid thought?
Acid thought.
That sounds like an acid.
Big time acid thought.
But then I went into a room and I dealt with my OCD and I figured out that I was like, because anytime somebody'd be like, do you want to babysit this kid?
And I'd be like, yeah, what if I accidentally fuck your kid though?
I'd be driving a car.
I'd be like, I'm going to drive this off the bridge, right?
Just these gruesome thoughts.
And then I figured out it's fundamentally because I didn't trust myself at all as a person.
And I was like, every step of the way, I could become Jordan the serial killer, Jordan the kid fucker.
I have a we had a balcony in Miami.
Anytime I'd hold my little dog on a balcony, I'd be like, what if I threw this?
Like, what?
Would you panic a little?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I had to put him down.
Yeah.
I couldn't handle it.
It would keep going.
I'd be like, and then I guess, yeah, I probably don't trust myself.
So then, so, and I realized on acid that you don't have to trust yourself.
You're just a compilation of everything that has ever happened to you and who you have become as somebody who doesn't throw a dog off the balcony.
So you can just chill.
That's fire.
You know what I mean?
I like that.
You don't have to be like, what if I stab this person?
You're like, if I, probably if the knife got close to them, I would faint because I'd be like, you know what I mean?
Like, you don't.
Vasso Vaggle or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gruesome OCD Thoughts00:10:53
Totally.
I got that bad.
Yeah.
I felt like a damn goat.
Yeah.
It's fucked up.
But that's when I realized on acid.
You can just chill.
You know what I mean?
Like, you know, before you go on stage, you're like, what if I bomb?
You're like, I'm everything leading up to now has led me not to bomb, right?
Like, I have a compilation of Jordan Times going on stage.
I probably won't bomb.
And if I do, it'll be an album.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So ever since having a kid, I've had those bad things.
Oh, dude, that's what I'd be really scared about having a kid.
I'd be scared about having a pregnant belly and just fucking.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
It's right there.
When my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you.
I'll do a clean uppercut.
I think about the uppercut all the time.
But sometimes I do.
Mike Tyson's punch-up.
Dude, I uppercut a fucking guy's mirror the other day.
He was like, we were all crossing in Manhattan, like a big crew.
You know, in Manhattan, where you just go, fuck it, we're all going.
Yeah.
Like, I know they have a green light, but fuck them.
There's too many of us.
And we were all crossing, and this guy just kept rolling forward until he kind of like hit his car against me lightly and was just pushing.
So I walked around the side of his window and I looked at him.
I was like, what the fuck?
And he was like, fuck you.
So then I uppercut his side mirror and I was so ready for it to like shatter and be like a Spider-Man thing and have like a bloody hand that I then go like this.
Right.
I was like ready for it, but then the mirror just went.
And I was like, oh, you got one of those.
That's good.
That's good.
Good for New York to be able to fold your mirror then.
Any car post-1990s?
I know.
Oh, I know.
Oh, my God.
Hammer down.
Hammer.
I got a hammer down.
I know, but then it was too late.
What'd he say?
Did he just kind of look at you?
He was laughing.
He laughed.
That's the worst.
Did it break the tension in a weird way?
No, because I was still so mad.
But then I kept walking.
I got embarrassed and I sat down to breathe.
And this old couple were like, are you okay?
And I was like, yeah, that was so embarrassing.
I shouldn't have done that.
And they're like, no, we're on your side.
And they're like 100 years old.
And I was like, hey, I get in so many altercations.
It's so bad.
I have to deal with my rage.
Wait, really?
Like what?
Oh my God.
I want to know this.
Do you like road rage?
Or just rage rage?
So much road rage.
I just went to LA.
I had a lot of road rage because they have road rage worse than us.
They lay on the horn and it's these fucking white girls with Stanley cups.
And you're like, in New York, we have a conversation with horns.
If you lay on your horn, you might get shot.
You know what I mean?
Like, I've laid on my horn and gotten a Lugie spit on me.
And you learn.
You go.
Right.
Exactly.
But in LA, they just, and I was driving stick.
And I was like, bro, I have to put it in the first.
You have to give me two seconds.
So I would just sit at the red light.
I would just sit there and wait for it to turn red again and go through the green with them just wow.
I tried to, I asked the guy if you wanted to go outside.
You got to chill outside.
Yeah.
You can't do that.
It's crazy.
I tried to get a guy to fight me outside because he was talking some shit.
Wait, how did that happen?
Me and my friend were at some.
You see how people think you're a lesbian, right?
You talk these through.
I know.
As you're like, I tried to get a guy to fight me.
I know.
I uppercut his side view mirror.
I want to fight all the time.
It's really true.
I forget what this guy was saying.
He was mad at me because my dog was in a place it wasn't supposed to be.
And he was like, he mumbled something.
He was like drinking this beer and he mumbled like, stupid bitch or something like that.
And I was like, what did you just say?
And he was like, what?
What?
And he was all drunk.
He's like, what?
What?
And I get mad when people do the mocking thing where they're like, what are you doing?
And I was like, we need to go outside right now.
And he's like, I'm not going outside.
I was like, we need to go outside.
And my friend was like, Jordan, what are you going to do?
This man is huge.
I'm going to have to fight him.
I'm five foot four.
Like, what are we, what are we doing here?
But yeah, I do trend.
Or a guy at the airport, I slammed him with my luggage.
And then I, because he hit my dog.
It's a lot about my dog.
No, no, dog.
Yo, fuck that guy.
How did he hit your dog?
He was like trying to go around me and he was doing that thing.
You know when people think they're the protagonist in their movie?
Yeah.
And he was in a hurry and he was being like, everybody out of my way.
I'm in a hurry.
Right.
And he goes, excuse me.
And I was like, fuck this guy.
He can go around me.
This is crazy.
There's so much room.
So he goes, I said, excuse me.
And he hits Coyote with his luggage.
So then I chased after him and I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath.
And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath.
I was like, you know what sociopaths do?
They fuck kids.
And he looked at me like, don't do this.
And I went, hey, everybody, this guy fucks kids.
The moment of him looking into my face and being like, why are you doing this?
Don't do this.
It was crazy.
His cab driver getting out of the cab because he was trying to get in the cab while I was slamming him.
His cab driver had to come out, grab me and be like, stop.
And I was like, okay.
He was like, you need to stop this.
And I was like, he fucks kids.
I was so mad.
I was so mad.
I get so mad.
It's crazy.
Is he apologetic that he hit the dog?
No.
No, that's not.
That guy said it should be shot in the fucking head.
I know.
I'm like, just run into my body.
It's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, but you just, and your dog is little.
How many pounds?
18.
He ain't not big.
That's tiny.
Mine is eight, so it's like 18.
Yeah, mine's a little like.
Wow.
Your dog's almost too small to be like on the ground.
Dog, he almost gets stepped on, and he wants to walk in all the most crowded, like he'll walk to fucking Radio City in Christmas time.
It's crazy.
He loves all the smells, I guess.
Wow.
He almost got he got stepped on once, I think.
Like, some people were just walking and didn't see him.
Oh, yeah.
So now we just had to pick him up in a crowd and can't.
He wants to.
Is he a bag dog?
Yeah.
Nice.
I want to.
Coyote's not a bag dog.
Dude, too heavy.
She can be a back-to-back dog.
I might get a backpack for her.
I saw a dog in a backpack the other day with little sunglasses on.
What are we doing?
That shit is sick.
That was good.
Why do they wear sunglasses?
Why do they do that?
Because it's adorable.
Is it just because it's adorable?
I don't need sunglasses.
I saw a dog on a bike with a helmet.
And I was like, I don't need the dog.
I got a little bit of a drink.
You're rid of your dog getting a concussion.
That's all.
That's awesome.
Dude, that animal chiropractor guy pisses me off.
I'm like, all dogs do is stretch and sit correctly all day.
Oh, that guy, that sounds fucked.
I don't even know what that is, but that guy sounds awesome.
You've seen that guy?
No, that's my guy.
Jamie, pull it up.
I mean, I watch him a lot.
I'll say it.
It is very satisfying.
I don't believe in human chiropractors.
Yeah.
I think that shit is what do you call it?
Balderdash.
It's quackery.
It's quackery.
It's high quacker.
Snake oil.
Yeah.
It keeps you coming back.
Yeah.
I went to a chiropractor for a while and it did nothing.
I just made some person who felt better long term from a chiropractor.
Yeah, maybe it helps some people, but not me.
The guy didn't even really crack my neck.
I wanted him to get an elbow in there, like come off the turnbuckle, but instead he just had like a little gun thing that went like and like clicked it.
See, that's bullshit because that's giving you the simulated crack that you want without actually cracking.
Oh, that's shit.
That's fucked up.
Yeah.
At least do something, man.
Dog cracker is so hot, though.
The guy.
Yeah.
The guys with towels that are like cracking your neck.
That's that's the towel thing where they yank.
You're gonna skill some.
That looks good.
Oh, there's a kid that got paralyzed from going to a chiropractor.
He sued the guy.
Oh, I saw the story on TikTok.
Yeah.
Which, I mean, I'm also.
Oh my God.
I do like the dog's face after, though.
Yeah.
Oh, oh.
Oh.
I know.
What if you just had a lymph dog in your dude?
Not the chihuahua.
Not the fucking chihuahua.
I just want to see one where he just pulls the head off and say, oh, fuck.
There's a guy that does this with horses, too.
Horse chiropractor.
It's him.
Oh, it's Jordan's dad.
It's my dad.
This guy does it on everything.
He does it on snakes.
Giant Anaconda is.
I'm like, no way is a snake having bad, you know, arch support.
Yeah.
It doesn't happen.
Also, who cares?
I don't like when an animal can't be like, hey, please, I'm not really into this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't like that.
Yeah.
I don't like when people blow weed on their dog's face.
I don't like it anymore.
I hated that in college.
That would drive me.
Wasn't that the worst?
And then, dude, my dog got so high in Colorado because she ate a roach.
And I had to watch her go through all, like, at first, her ears were back, and she just couldn't even look at me.
Like, I was freaking my face would figure out.
And then I watched her be like, actually, actually, I'm fine.
And she would get up and then I would be like, all right.
And she'd be like, throw the ball, bitch, please.
And I threw the ball and it would hit like, it accidentally hit like a little piece of metal and made a noise.
And she was just like, and ran away for like an hour.
I was like, I'm not good.
I'm not good.
Do you feel like your dog knows when you're high?
I don't get high.
Oh, really?
You don't smoke at all?
I don't smoke.
I don't drink.
What did I do the other day, though?
Poppers?
Nice.
Have you done poppers?
Those are great.
That's about gay gauge, right?
It is a gay man who gave it to me.
But we were at a wedding and I was just being such a what does it do?
It makes you on.
So I feel like whippets make you like this, where you're like, you're like that.
But poppers make you a little bit on Molly for a second.
Okay.
Like it was dancey.
Okay.
But it was like sniff it out of a jar.
Yeah.
It seems wild.
But then I dropped the cap and I got lost.
You know what I mean?
I was lost.
And then my friend was like, you can't be this person.
I was like, I couldn't get it.
The grass was crazy.
But I guess if gay dudes do it, it's probably good.
Like, I trust any gay drug.
No, it fucks your brain.
Really?
I think it also opens your asshole.
Yeah, it loosens your muscles.
So it just looks.
That's what I thought.
Yeah.
Some gay shit.
Yeah.
Maybe that's why it makes you dancey because you're like, I did do poppers, then remembered that I had a dog and started to panic a little bit.
You ever do drugs and you remember that you're responsible to take care of something?
Yeah.
Do you do that with your child?
Do you smoke weed?
No.
These guys have been trying to get me to do drugs non-stop.
And I'm like, I can't do it.
You never smoked true.
I do.
I did.
I like smoked weed casually for a little bit.
Then I got too paranoid.
So I had to stop.
I still kind of paranoid.
What read?
Heart going to stop.
No, thinking about planets and realizing that we're all monkeys and that I'm a monkey and everyone's.
That's a good thought.
Yeah, but it's just weird.
That's a crazy thing to say.
That's a crazy thing to say.
Alright, next to you, that felt racist.
Wait, why?
That felt racist.
We're baking it.
That felt racist.
Wait, explain it.
I didn't get it.
Yeah, we're not all monkeys.
You knew what you were doing.
You knew what you were doing.
But like, I was just laying there so high.
My wife was like, no, you're fine.
And I was looking at her as long as you're freaking out.
Because I was just thinking about planets and shit.
And I was just like, why are there even other planets?
Oh, this is fucking crazy.
It's best not to think about space.
Yeah, and I was watching.
That's me.
That was the same thing.
It's best not to think about space.
When you're on drugs, yeah, it's just not for you then.
I don't think about that at all.
I think about what if I bit through my tongue right now.
Oh, yeah.
And then I think, what if I took my eyelid and just dug my hand in there?
Tell me, look at me.
Dug my hand in there, grabbed the eyeball, tore it out.
And then when it was just the cord, went, yeah, that's what I think about high.
And people are like, you want to smoke my face?
I'm like, no.
I'd like to keep my skin.
Thank you.
Yeah.
All right, guys.
Let's take a break for a second.
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Planets would be amazing if I thought about that.
Until you're like, dude, why is it even there?
Or what planet are we on?
Like, what if we just get exploded?
Like, we could just eviscerate anything.
You're going to get exploded.
Like, it's something.
And then I was like, we're not even on this planet.
Like, as humans, we're actually just like, like, like, my wife's like petting my head.
I'm like, oh, you're just like the nature show.
This is literally just a year to like.
Isn't that refreshing?
This is from weed?
Yeah.
You're such a bitch.
It's unbelievable.
So what a bitch this guy is.
What kind of, how did you do it?
Edible.
No, it wasn't even.
It was just, it was just a joint.
But my friend's weed.
My friend's weed is just too strong.
Yeah.
I know.
I miss the dad weed.
Did you remember?
I used to steal shake from my dad and it was the best.
How can we get that?
My buddy, I had a Jamaican friend.
I was like, how do Jamaicans smoke all day?
He was like, oh, the weed we smoke is shitty.
Oh my God.
I remember being in Jamaica and my dad buying so much weed and just rolling it up into a paper bag because it was so shitty shake that he was like, I have to do this in order to get high.
Yeah.
That's what I want.
We need to get Jamaican red.
That's what I'm saying.
And now they're selling it.
Like people have swung back.
The pendulum's shifted.
So now they sell like legit Reggie.
They call it Reggie.
Like, yeah, this is not too strong.
Oh, I could do that.
Right?
I can't do the strong shit.
That, let's do.
It's gotta be.
Can we get some right now?
Yeah, where do you get that?
I would just go to the dispensary and get the good stuff.
No, no, it's too strong.
She carrying weed, girl?
Yeah.
Really?
Could you smoke weed before coming in here?
I try not to because I laugh a lot and they can tell.
But it's more for popular.
Are you dumb?
Are you a dumb person?
When I'm high?
No, like, I mean, like, if we did, like, like, honestly, that's a good question.
Like, if you can just get fucked up on weed and just come in and talk to people, does that mean you're just stupid?
Yes.
Because you're not overthinking.
Don't say chill.
I'm being scientific right now.
You jump in here.
Yeah, dumbest shit is a scientific jerk.
Like, do you walk in here and you look at people and you're like, whoa, I'm high.
And you don't have a fear of like, what if I just fucking took the cables out, threw everything?
What if they, what if my heart stops?
I mean, what if I have too much?
Well, that's not.
That's because you're intelligent.
That's because you have OCD.
All these things.
Doesn't that mean, but when I dated a guy and he could get so fucking high, and I was like, I think it's, I mean, he did also like take his shirt off to eat soup and stuff.
So I didn't like it.
That makes sense.
Isn't that crazy?
This guy's been scorned.
I remember coming in and he was wearing only his boxers.
And I was like, where did your clothes go?
And he's like, I'm eating red soup.
And I'm like, it's tomato soup.
Call it tomato soup.
But do you think?
But he can get so high.
One time I ate one of his 25 milligram edibles because I thought it was just candy.
It was brutal.
That's 25 million.
Oh, that's rough.
That's 25 is too much.
And what happened to you then?
I had to.
Well, honestly, I had to, I was so high that I almost got stupid, which was kind of nice.
Yeah.
It's like you got to get to stupid town.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I walked through the park.
I remember having a mental breakdown because I was sitting at a bench and then there was a homeless guy.
And he, I was like, I'm, this guy's house is here and I'm like visiting his house.
You know what I mean?
This is like his house.
And I'm like sitting at it outside on his porch.
Yeah, it was very weird.
And then I was all freaked out that that guy lived there and he had like a mattress.
And I was like, I could easily become that guy.
But my brain is still going there.
But you're just like, you just walk in here.
I guess I could become that guy and I wouldn't mind.
It's like, that's a future problem.
So she's dumb.
What about if I say the word schizophrenia?
If you're high.
Yes.
That freak you out.
I think I'm more absent with the voices.
Like, I'm just like, okay, yeah, they're telling me to do something.
See, you're dumb as shit.
I love you so much, but I think you might be dumb as shit.
If you're not worried at all about, if I say schizophrenia to a high person, they should literally shut down and faint.
Yeah, that's another big fear.
Like, I'm afraid that I'm going to be permanently like this or that I'll be stupider into perpetuity.
But like, I'll come out of this highness and be like, oh, I'm dumber.
And then if I forget something the next day, it's like, because I smoked.
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
When I say schizophrenia on stage, the whole room goes, like, everybody's afraid of that.
So then you smoke weed and it's like, oh my God, that's the thing.
And then you start, you hear the pipes in the house and you're like, that's a guy.
If anything, it's the opposite that I do it every day that by 9 p.m., I need to get out of that sober.
Oh, you're a drug addict.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Oh, you're not a recharge.
Okay, you're not a retard.
My dad was like that.
If he stopped smoking weed, the voice of the anxiety is the same.
Okay.
Regular.
So you have to be high all the time.
It's better.
Really?
That's nice.
I'm very jealous of girls that smoke weed.
I'm really intimidated by it because our life is already so hard and we think so much.
So the idea that you can just be like a cool high girl, I want to kill you.
It's better than being a girl who's like, oh, I just drink beer.
It's just easier.
Yeah.
Beer girl is gross.
But you like stimulants.
So you like a little nicotine, a little caffeine.
Nicotine, caffeine.
I was addicted to Coke.
Yeah.
Distracts.
Adderall.
Distracts.
Yeah.
I like Xanax Adderall, Xanax Adderall.
I don't do it anymore, but that's what I like.
A lot of Coke and then take a big bar of Xan at night.
Oh, what are we doing?
What are we doing?
A little Klondike bar, a little Klonopin.
Oh, my God.
Wait, so that just cuts it?
Cuts it.
You go to sleep, wake up, do it again.
Oh, my God.
How much Klonopin are you taking?
I've taken Klonopin to help me sleep, like half a milligram or something.
Like a very low dose.
The problem with Klonopin is I go to Mexico.
You know, you go to Mexico to Loom or something, you buy Klonopin at the pharmacy, and I would be like, this is just for panic attacks.
But then I just run through.
Every time I'm on a plane, I'm like, I might be panicking.
You're panicking all the time.
It fucking chills you out.
But it's too addictive for me.
I just am an addict.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
That's why I had to cut out sugar entirely because I can't stop.
Are you miserable with sugar?
No, the dog.
I have a dog.
I get outside.
I work out.
I can do stand.
Yeah, I'm miserable.
Yeah.
I gotta do the social part though, because I've tried to cut out sugar a million different ways.
And then one friend's like, dude, let's just get ice cream.
And I'm like, all right.
I know the ice cream people killed me.
I got ice cream last week.
Yeah.
There's also, sometimes you gotta give it great food in New York.
Great sugar food in New York.
I know.
I know.
I'm starting to introduce like cheat days, but for the most part, you have to just, you just suffer.
You know what I do is I don't socialize.
I get up, I go to the park, I work out, I do a podcast, I go to the cellar, and then I leave before everybody said.
Do you just contribute to your breakup?
Well, I think this was post-breakup.
Oh.
So this is, oh, so this is relatively new.
The no sugar thing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe I started it during the breakup.
I can't deal with the small itch in the vagina.
If you guys knew what the small itch felt like, you don't even have to.
It's so bad.
It's so bad.
I don't even know if you're going to.
You have to have a full yeast infection, but you'll stop eating sugar.
If you have a tiny itch that nothing can solve.
That the laundry schedule is based on what pants I can wear.
Oh, my God.
And you have to buy all the cotton underwear.
You can't wear fucking any type of.
How often are women having these yeast girls?
Oh, man.
What does this mean?
Constantly.
You either are a UTI girl or you're a yeast girl.
UTI girls is dangerous because you can get kidney infections, which does suck.
I got a UTI once when I was a roofer and I was dating a guy who's also a roofer and he kept fingering me with roofing dust and that gave me a UTI.
Brutal.
Because you have to piss every four seconds.
Yeah.
So that's like my best friend's a UTI girl.
I'm a yeast girl.
But you wouldn't just tell them to kill, wash your hands.
We did.
I was dirty too.
We were all dirty.
We would come home with just eyes and teeth showing because there was so much dust.
I'm burning manazo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And but then, or you're a yeast girl.
I'm a yeast girl.
And the yeast girl thing is like, it's all out with me.
Fluconazole?
Like damn.
Oh, fluconazole.
We said have a nice yeast.
Fluconazole, you take it, ruins your microphone.
Was it like an appertif?
What is that?
Fluconazole?
Fluconazole is like an antibiotic, but you can't take it so much because then it makes it worse.
You know that?
Yes.
No, I've fucking, maybe I should stop eating sugar.
So I went to ChatGPT.
I was like, bro, you got to help me.
I get sick every weekend at meet and greets and I have a chronic yeast infection.
He goes, you got to stop eating sugar.
And then I did and everything got better.
Wow.
Yeah, it's just like, what I'd rather have.
I like to have a check.
I'm not going to make these infections or never have a crunch bar.
Like both are bad.
Yeah.
You can't have a crunch bar.
Here's what you can do.
Blueberries.
And then once you wipe it out, I had ice cream and I didn't get a yeast infection.
So once you wipe it, you got to wipe it out.
You got to wipe it out because it's a guy.
And I bet you have brain fog all the time from it because it's a, you're smoking weed.
You're smoking weed.
Yeah.
Oh, you can't smoke weed and quit sugar.
How would you do that?
How would I do that?
Yeah, it's literally impossible.
Yeah.
It's hard to balance.
I think you'll do it.
Because when I was your age, I just fucked through the yeast infection.
You know what I mean?
I just slammed it and got a fucking raw baboon's ass for a pussy.
Have you ever had them call you and be like, hey, I got a yeast infection from you?
No.
Okay.
Can guys get it like that?
Yeah.
I don't know.
But sometimes they're like, it feels a little bad.
And you're just like, all right, not my problem.
Well, then you switch it.
What I do is I go, did you give me an STD?
Right.
And they go, no, no, no.
That's what you do.
Master class.
Yeah.
You're associated.
The last thing a man will ever say is, I have a yeast infection.
Even if they have one, they'll never say it.
So you just be like, I don't know what you have, dude.
Who'd you fuck?
What does it mean for a guy to get a yeast infection?
Where does it get you?
He's gay.
You have a fucking vagina instead of addictive balls.
Unbelievable.
But yeah.
You got to wipe it out.
Now it's great.
Imagine my vagina feels normal.
I'm not doing it.
Could you imagine?
I can't.
It's great.
It gets smaller too?
It's not swollen.
Yeah.
I have a small vagina now.
Isn't that great?
Like, it fits in the underwear.
It's underwater.
Well, come on.
It depends.
You're not built for it.
Sometimes you slip a leg, obviously, but you know.
But yeah, totally.
It's really helped.
Congratulations.
This is fat.
It's like someone's pitching sobriety.
What do you guys have?
You shit your pants every day, you disgusting perverts.
You have freaking commando off.
I have a bidet.
I have.
You don't actually.
You guys.
I have a bidet.
I have a bidet.
So you haven't installed it.
No, I have no instructions.
I haven't installed it and Miles.
I've used it, but I just gotta use it.
Miles came over and almost broke my mouth.
You guys gotta have something.
You have sweaty balls.
My balls stink.
Fucking stuff.
He shared that with us and I wish you did.
Good God.
Why do they steam?
I don't know.
New York City summer or something.
I've just been, I'd be shitting it.
I'm like, what is that?
Is that me?
I need to take a shower.
Your pH is off.
That's your pH.
I don't have a yeast off.
My pH is off.
I have yeast for balls.
Yeah.
I have busy balls.
That's worse.
Yeah.
Here's his worst.
Okay.
Here's his worst.
Sure.
I mean, yeah, that's it.
You guys shard a lot.
You get skid marks a lot.
I have sharded in the past five years, but once maybe.
That's good.
Oh, I almost sharded a comedy club, dude.
Yeah.
Thank God I'm about to go on stage.
Oh, no.
It was a shard.
I didn't get in the boxers.
Thank God.
And this comedy club amazingly had baby wipes.
What a fucking godsend.
Oh, wow.
The guy before me gets the light, the feature act.
I think I'm going to fart before I go on stage.
I'm like, whoop.
Got to run to the bathroom.
Luckily, there's a bathroom.
Not all green rooms have bathrooms.
And then it was wet.
The wet wipe was wetter, but my drawers are clean.
How was the set?
That was fine.
Now, if I had to go up there, oh, come on.
I'm not sitting on the stool that whole hour.
Yeah.
You have to sit on the street.
Do you guys ever find that if you have to pee before you get on stage, you do better?
I have to pee all the time, but especially if I'm nervous, one sip of water, I got to pee.
So it's just like a thing.
But recently, I've been like, I'm not going to pee before I go up because I always do the anxiety pee before.
But I think you do better if you pee.
If you don't pee.
Really?
If you hold the pee in.
Really?
I think it helps because you're a little like, I get a feet grid.
And it makes you a little more.
You know?
Yeah.
I think it does help.
I'm still trying to figure out food or no food before the set.
Oh, always no food.
Yeah, but sometimes you're hungry up there.
Or light food.
Light food.
Yeah.
But you want to look snatched.
That's what I would do.
That's what I would do with the sugars.
I need a little sugar and go.
Now you can't do that.
Yeah, no, because then you crash halfway through the set.
Yeah, that's tough.
I stopped eating at like five.
Do you reset the Zen?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You reset the Zen on stage?
Like moments before.
Moments before.
Sometimes halfway through, if I get some rough cracking.
You don't do the whole set or the whole set with the Zen?
No, but like when the feature goes up, pop one in there right before you go up.
Oh, I keep it up.
Oh, really?
No, because now I'd like choke on it and shit.
You have one in now?
Yeah.
Oh, impressive.
Thanks.
Yeah, I couldn't help it.
Oh, you do.
Thank you.
It's because I have a Simpsons mouth.
You can't see it.
I look like a Simpsons girl.
Everybody says it.
Let's pull it up.
You do look kind of like the bus driver.
Auto?
She looks like auto.
Oh, man.
Oh, hold on.
I'm not.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
In a way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A little bit.
Maybe he just has a Zen in.
Yeah, you just got to live.
No, I don't know why, but I will fuck that bus driver.
Something about him.
I can't explain it.
I'm going to get it.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't have me as a kid.
I would fuck that business.
People say I look like the girl from Futurama.
Oh, Lila.
That's better.
That's better.
Yeah.
I could see that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've also never seen the show, but I feel like you guys carry yourself similarly.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a great show.
Lila rules.
So that's a good compliment.
Right?
Yeah, that's a total compliment.
Damn.
But that's my dad.
That's what my dad looks like.
Wait, but you go Zen on stage while you're up there.
Yeah.
And you work?
Oh, yeah.
Or Sesh.
Yeah, the better one.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a new nicotine brand, though.
It's a friend of the show.
What do I?
Andrew's invested in it.
We have to discuss Seth.
He has to disclose it.
Wait, there's Sesh.
Sesh is a brand that Andrews invested in.
He has to disclose it legally, so I'll disclose it on his behalf because he's not here.
What about the one that Tucker Carlson now has?
Alp.
Oh, well, we don't bring that up.
Come on.
That's a competitor.
We don't know who that is.
He's a direct competitor, dude.
What am I sponsored by?
Lucy?
Not anymore.
I fired my ad person.
Really?
What?
Because my whole YouTube got taken down because I did an ad for Schedule 35, which was mushrooms.
And then I go online, gone.
Whole YouTube.
You got videos with views, too.
Every podcast, my 30-minute special, like so much shit.
And it was just gone.
And so, yeah, were you really good at that?
Yeah, yeah, I got a batch of cut back.
But it was crazy.
And I even double-checked.
Intentional Microdosing00:07:54
I was like, are we allowed to sell mushrooms?
And they're like, yeah, totally do it.
So that's crazy.
That's crazy.
Were they good mushrooms?
They were great.
I gave them to my mom and my sister because they desperately need them.
But yeah, I did them too.
They were good.
They're not as good.
Fungi is my guy.
Yeah.
He rules.
I met him at a wedding and he is exactly what you think.
Swaggy, short.
He's like you.
I know you're not short, but he's got the blonde, long hair and the like, he wears like pajamas as a suit.
Wait, who's this guy?
That does sound like.
I've never heard.
I know, right?
Right?
This crossover between hippie and tech.
It's really, yeah, totally.
Yeah, like he saunas and shit.
And he tries like live forever.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah.
This all tracks.
And on his shirt for the suit, it said fungi.
And I was like, what do you have?
Your own, I've never heard of this guy.
Fungi mushrooms microdoses are the best ever.
How often are you micro-dose them?
It depends.
I love shrooms.
Me too.
I love them.
Yeah, Akaj has never done anything, never drank, never smoked weed, nothing in his life, and then is now loves shrooms.
Do you trip hard?
Or do you like super.
I'll do the chocolates.
I've done one like.
Oh, there it is.
Right down.
No, Over the rainbow box.
The rainbow box.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
This girl's retarded.
Yeah.
Over there.
There we go.
As fungi.
Oh, I've never seen it.
The best.
How much is in one of those?
I don't know.
Maybe what's a micro-does?
Jason Bushwick.
Local.
Is he local?
I don't like when they look too delicious.
Is it 10?
Is that normal?
10 is grams?
No, not 10 grams.
10 milligrams.
What is it supposed to be?
One?
Yeah, like a gram.
I don't know.
I eat half of one to micro-dose.
Okay.
And you'll just like chill, like, live your life, do stuff?
Or do you do that on days where you got nothing going on?
I try not to do shows when I micro-dose just because I'm a little weird.
But when I do do it, they're always good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I micro-dosed the entire pandemic.
Have you hero-dosed mushrooms?
What's a hero dose?
No, just eight grams.
It's like five to eight.
I mean, it depends on that.
Three a couple times.
Fun.
And then the other time, the second time I did it, my boy was like, you got to put it in lemon juice and blah, blah, blah.
And then we drank orange juice after.
And I was gone.
When people say I'm on another planet, I thought that was just like an expression.
And I was like, oh, I literally don't feel like I'm on the same diction as I was before this.
I haven't done a big dose of mushrooms, only acid.
And I want to know if they're similar.
But since that big acid trip, I've been too scared to do a giant one.
So I just micro-dose everything.
Yeah.
But is it more, is mushrooms like, have you done acid?
No.
I feel like, I feel like acid is more pixelated, is more like chrism-y.
Yeah, crinkly.
And I feel like mushrooms is more like, you know what I mean?
Is it like that?
I don't know.
I wish I did.
Is mushrooms more like roots?
Roots and spirals.
And what did it feel like to macro dose on mushrooms?
I felt like I would, at one point, it was like, we went to Mercer Labs.
It's like, this is a good place to do shrooms.
But there's a, like, a bunch of mirrors.
And I sat by one.
I looked in the mirror and I saw myself turn into like an 80-year-old man.
It was crazy.
Okay.
That's also acid.
The aging thing is acid.
Okay.
Sometimes I'm like, does it just make us ugly?
But no, but then I was like, oh, this, you're tired.
You need to rest.
Look how tired you are.
I know.
And that was like the crystallizing moment.
I was like, you need to do things to try to not be so exhausted all the time.
I think that's what it is because I think when you do drugs with your friends, your friends look really ugly and scary and old.
And I think it's because we've been doing drugs.
I'm like, oh, I see you as an old woman.
And I'm like, dude, we got six.
We've been awake for 16 hours.
Yeah, totally.
But then if people wear makeup, I've done acid and looked at people with makeup and that's weird because you can like see the makeup too.
Dude, I peed my, I peed down my leg one time because there was a woman that I was talking to who had lip fillers and crazy work done.
And my bladder just, I literally, like in the movies when the little kid peeds, because I was tripping hard and I just was like so scared in her face.
And I just peed.
Whoa.
What'd she say?
She didn't notice.
She didn't notice.
I ran away.
She's giving us shit for sharding every now and then.
That was on drugs.
Do you ever go in nature?
Like, are you like a...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nature every day.
Like a nature shroom is like, I think that's the way.
It is the way.
It is definitely the way.
It's micro-dosing nature.
I'll do that.
But then sometimes then if I micro-dose and I go into nature, sometimes the idea of returning to society is so horrific.
You know what I mean?
So sometimes I have to microdose and be like, you're going to go do your stuff, your city stuff, and be a grown-up.
But yeah, obviously it's the best.
Being in nature is, I, being in nature can make me remember tripping hard.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
Like you just go back into nature and you're like, oh, yeah, I don't need to trip.
I remember exactly how this feels.
Oh, yeah.
I've done that with music before.
Like we did Molly and we went to Burning Man and we listened to a set and I listened back to the same set and I'm like, holy shit.
I'm like, oh, that's good.
I'm buzzing.
It's just like a little free dose.
It's just like in your spine.
I miss Molly so much.
That's the best one.
But I'm on too much Prozac.
Oh, yeah.
So it just nullifies.
Yeah.
You got to like break it for like three months before you do Molly again or something.
I don't know if it's three months, but it is, is it three months?
That's what Chat GBT is told.
Really?
Are you on Prozac?
No, but I was reading about it.
I was like, what should you not do if you're going to do Molly?
Because I'm very like skittish with drugs.
Anytime I do anything, I always like research it.
I'm like doing like fucking.
I talked to a psychologist before I did Molly or before I did mushrooms for the first time just because I was like, they were like, you need to grow up.
Yeah, literally.
Basically.
I would go to therapy.
No.
No.
You went, you sought out a psychologist.
Yeah.
Well, you got Zock Doc.
He came on the podcast.
Okay, okay.
And he was like an MDMA psychologist.
And I was like, okay, if I did, and so he gave me like, told me what to do.
This guy, Rick Barnett.
Oh, I think you're talking about Flagrant.
He came on your podcast.
Yeah, yeah.
He started the camp.
Yeah, he started the Psychedelic Society of Vermont.
And he does like MDMA therapy.
He's the man.
But he was like, listen to this podcast or listen to this playlist, like the John Hopkins, like MDMA research playlist.
He gave me like all this game.
Did you learn anything?
About myself from him?
No, about yourself and the thing.
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Yeah, about like anxiety and like just like the way that I see myself.
Like I was able to like take my own advice.
Like people would ask me advice and I feel like I would give like decent advice, but I would never take it.
And then doing mushrooms, I like was able to handle it.
How much did you do?
Because I never had that thing.
Yeah.
People talk about it.
Well, I feel like there's an intentionality with it.
Cause like I went out, I had a hammock.
I laid in the woods.
Yeah.
Like I went upstate and then like I played the music.
I had like all the drinks, like water, everything I needed.
So I was like very like rigorous with it.
And then I intentionally like meditated before I journaled before and then like where you were like, I'm going to come out of this not a bitch.
I'm going to come out of this drum.
Yeah, that was the goal.
I was like, I feel like a bitch.
I feel like I'm anxious all the time and I'm scared of shit.
And then I was like, what if I do mushrooms and I see like a demon?
I see like, you know, some scary shit.
And then I was like, okay, I'm going to think of the scariest thing possible.
And then nothing showed up.
And I was like, oh, I'm fine.
How did you, was that mushrooms or Molly?
Mushrooms.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
What happened with Molly?
You just did it.
Oh, it's just the best.
Okay.
It's the greatest thing ever.
And then I listened to the songs later and I relapse just in the gym.
Just like, dude, everything's awesome.
I love you guys.
Yeah.
I'm like, hey, can you spot me?
And then I just talk to the guy for a while.
Molly is sick because it gives you the high of cocaine.
Yes.
Like the high of like, I'm invincible, but it doesn't make you fucking talk about it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It doesn't.
There's none of that.
There's some of that.
Some of my friends.
One of my friends gets Molly Eye where one eye shuts entirely.
It's so funny.
And she's like, yeah, dude, I love you so much.
I'm like, dude, we can't talk.
But yeah, Molly just allows you to be like, I love you so much without then having to be like, and we should start a podcast together.
I mean, I developed a 401k idea where we all put our focus so fucking.
Could you premise it?
When I'm on Molly, I'll be like, hey, dude, I know I'm on Molly, but like, I do really love you.
Molly vs Cocaine High00:05:53
Like, I will always get ahead of it.
Dude, being a sober person and having somebody walk up and going, hey, I know I'm a Molly.
I'm like, just somebody else.
Yeah.
Literally anybody else for me, dude.
I'm not going to give you what you need.
It's crazy.
I know I'm a Molly, and I'm like, then no, don't be here.
Yeah.
I need it.
I need it.
Yeah.
I have no real patience for drunk people or whatever.
I just don't.
I just get away from me.
Yeah.
Well, I've only ever done Molly Run.
People also all doing Molly.
Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah.
I've never, I couldn't do Molly Run someone that's not on drugs.
That'd be insane.
You ever meet somebody who you think is on Molly, but they just live like that?
Like Butterly, Tim Butterly is like that.
I don't know, too.
He just tells everybody that he loves him, that he loves you.
And you're like, are you on?
I tell everybody I love them.
Really?
Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah.
It's always funny with guys because they won't say it back at first.
Yeah.
And then they eventually just cave and start saying it.
But the first time you're like, I love you.
They're like, all right, man.
I'll see you later.
Didn't you accidentally say it to someone in your building?
Like, you say it so frequently.
Like, you said, like, oh, yeah, I actually said it to this neighbor of mine who I'm pretty sure was in jail because he had an ankle brace on the first couple of times I met him.
He was with his daughter and I was like, all right, man, I love you all.
And he was like, I love you too.
And I was like, you don't.
That's awesome.
My bad.
Yeah.
But it's also a nice mistake.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of all the mistakes, but it was weird.
It was a weird thing.
I saw a weird one last night.
A guy was.
Sorry.
You're my go.
Archer.
Archer, you want to come in?
It's right there.
We got it, Archer.
You got the magnet back on?
It's good.
You don't have to resell my shirt again.
I think we're good.
Don't touch me.
Little freak.
Came in here like a bad hell.
I got it.
I'll be right there.
Don't even use your just use your hands, Archie.
Dude, there was a guy last night walking around my house that was, it was like a two in one.
There was a guy getting recycling, like a super, who's like a crackhead outside my building.
But then there's a guy I was walking my dog and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his penis.
And he would just keep walking by me and just showing the tip of his penis like this.
And it was so weird to me.
Like I was like, I want to say something to him, but it was almost like he wanted me to be like, it's good.
Like he wanted me to be like, no, it's fine.
That's a good thing.
Like he was like, it sounds menacing.
Is this okay?
Yeah.
And then I walked up to the super and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere.
And the super goes, that's awesome.
And I was like, what is going on?
With everybody.
You do live in the Simpsons.
Yeah, yeah.
He was like, dad, it's awesome.
And I was like, it's not awesome.
And he's like, no, it's not awesome.
That's weird.
It's successful to live in that building.
I know.
I live in a tiny, it's the size of that table.
I refuse to move.
I love the location and I don't want to.
I have a house up in Ithaca, but I don't want to move out of my tiny.
What's your time share here and there?
What do you hear 10, 11 months out of the year?
What do you like?
Here, 12 months out of the year, there two weeks.
So you don't ever two weeks.
You don't want you to sell your house in Ithaca and get a bigger place in the same neighborhood because I don't believe in the stock market.
So I buy gold.
All right.
All right.
What?
Yeah.
That also didn't really answer my question.
Because I have the house as a long-term investment.
Full of gold.
Okay.
I got you.
Right?
I got you.
I have the house because I put the money there and I make it better and I work on it.
Okay.
And I love it.
Oh, you work on it yourself.
Yeah.
And it's the cutest.
That's the dope shit, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
Or is it cool girl that you can't handle?
Oh, you have to make me gay because the idea that you could be in a relationship with somebody who is handy, hot, cool is too much.
No, I'm okay with the fact that I couldn't handle you.
That's okay, great.
Sometimes I wonder that.
When guys are like, you're gay, I'm like, or are you just mad that your wife can't do shit?
Two things can be true.
Two things can be true.
Right.
I know.
They go, you have to be a lesbian.
There's no way you can suck a dick and build a house.
And I go, I can do both.
You can build a house better.
I can suck a cock.
Really?
For sure.
Are you handy around your apartment and you fix everything?
I hate doing it because I did it for so many years with your dad.
Yeah, with my dad.
And my mom's a drunk cock.
Or is that just like a thing?
Yeah.
You know, if one thing led to another, but my mom was a contractor and my dad, so I would work for both of them.
Okay, so carpentry is in my family.
Yeah, okay.
So you can fix anything.
Yeah, the only thing I can't do is build like furniture.
I can't, I don't do fine carpentry.
No, I'd leave that to the comic.
I hate that so much.
Yeah, totally.
But yeah, but I also, what I'll do is I'll date blue-collar people so that they fix stuff so I don't have to because I don't.
I'm writing that down.
That's that's really smart.
Date blue-collar people.
Yeah, date a real man finally crossing your mind.
She just thought of that.
She might be an idiot.
Yeah, these kind of.
You're like, these bush with burrises can't do anything.
They're Republican, though.
You have to be okay with a Republican.
No, that's a problem for her.
Not for a relationship, but I only date Republicans.
It's a huge issue.
That's a problem.
Really?
How does that manifest?
Because I'm masculine, so I have to date somebody more masculine than me.
And then they're always conservative.
Yeah, I'm not going to date some fucking NPR tote bag.
Yeah, they have to be somebody who hates women.
Yeah, because then I feel feminine because they're like, you little bitch.
They don't have to hate women, but they have to at least feel.
And you're the exception.
They're like, I hate women, but you.
Right.
Right.
Or they're like, I feel they're, they're not going to like when I date liberals, they think I'm going to like dominate them in bed because of how I am out in the world.
But a Republican is like, nobody's dominating me.
That's crazy.
You know what I mean?
I'm not going to lie.
You dated guys in unions.
Yeah, I love a union man.
Yeah.
Uniform.
Love a union man.
Love a uniform.
Love when they have the kind of hick accent where they talk like there's marbles in their mouth.
We're like, and they're fat.
They're kind of fat.
I don't do the fat.
I don't do the facts.
I used to be very fat.
So when I see the fat, I go, she likes a nice body.
But full.
Lean.
Full.
Yeah.
You don't want you don't want like you don't need abs.
No, abs.
What are you fucking pervert?
Yeah.
Abs.
No way.
Abs are crazy.
Yeah.
No, this all this all trap.
This makes sense.
You date a fireman?
Oh, I'd love to date.
No, firemans cheat like motherfuckers, dude.
Dating Republican Men00:09:11
Yeah, because they're Dominican.
If there's any Latino in them, I won't date them because they cheat.
It's in their culture.
It's true.
Wait, so what uniforms have you dated?
Uniform, like carpentry, electrical, love, electrical.
What have I dated?
I would date a plumber.
A little poopy for me.
It does seem a little poopy.
Farmer, I've dated.
Mechanic.
Farmer seems like the movie.
Mechanics, great.
Farmer, but farmers are really stupid.
They're really dumb.
But they're very strong.
Yeah, they're not.
But is there something nice about that?
Like, you're thinking of stuff all day, and you go home and he's like, I'm not thinking about it.
No, they have to be smart.
They have to be like a little almost like dorky.
Like, I know how to fix it or whatever.
Autistic farmer.
Autistic.
Autistic carpenter.
The farming thing.
Farmer would be good.
I'm a doctor.
Whoa.
That would have been your dream.
That's good.
That's my dream.
That's a crazy pipeline.
What kind of doctor is it?
I don't know.
We haven't.
I think internal medicine or whatever.
But like, I remember we were talking about getting work this summer.
He's like, you always make money throwing hay bales.
And I'm like, what?
He's like, yeah, you throw hay barrels on a trucks and make like 15 cents a hay bale over the course of a day.
You make 100, 200 bucks.
And I was like, I'm making 30 cents that day.
15 cents a hay bale.
Yeah.
And you see in a hay bale, that's a big fucking.
Yeah.
I think I was a man, dude.
But you probably would get a little jacked doing it.
You know, like, I think about work that you also get to work at, which is kind of nice.
Yeah.
I, when I, before I started comedy, I was a farmer and I wrote the most jokes farming because you're just checked out.
Yeah.
You're completely just like moving your body so you can think about stuff, which is nice.
Yeah.
And then you're so tired.
So I had to quit being a carpenter because I would get up on stage and be like, that's it.
You get hated man.
Wait, what was the worst job you ever had?
Oh.
Roofing seems pretty tough.
I don't do bad jobs.
I don't like doing bad.
Probably, I like doing manual labor.
I think the worst jobs are anything that has to do with service, service industry.
When you have to be nice to people, fuck off.
I cannot do that.
When you all of a sudden become slave mentality to them and they treat you like that, and you're like, what are you thinking that this is?
You know what I mean?
Bakery, I didn't like because you had to wake up at 5 a.m.
Oh, yeah.
That's rough as a comic.
Yeah, that was rough as a comic.
But I would just stay up all night and go.
And the cocaine.
Yeah, the Coke.
Yeah.
Any service industry job.
I've lost, I've been fired from all of those from getting in fights with people.
Wait, what was the craziest fight you got into?
She accused this guy of being a pedophile.
That was just for love of the game.
That wasn't even on the job.
I got fired for, let's see, I got fired.
My sister fired me from a job because I would smoke a blunt before going in every time.
And then I got my best friend a job there.
And we would, this thing would happen because when you're like, we would give people their water and we would go up to each other.
And if we ended up at the same table on accident, we would cry, laugh in front of customers and like not be able to keep it together.
And my sister was like, you're going to get fired.
And then one day I just walked up and I picked up a cup and I was so high and I just dumped the picture on the customer.
And she was like, you're done, dude.
You're done.
You're done.
Totally.
But have you been treated badly by patrons?
I don't know.
I was so high all the time.
I didn't do it.
Sounds like you might have deserved it.
Yeah, I was so bad at that job.
She dumped one on a goddamn fucking day.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
I just would lie and be like, I know what I'm doing and couldn't do it.
I've lost a lot of jobs doing that.
I'd be like, I can do it.
And then I would YouTube things.
I lost a job putting in like countertops ones because I just drilled right through the countertop they bought.
And then I tried to patch it.
And they were like, yeah, you can't do this.
I just am like not.
The only thing I can really do well is stand up.
I could farm.
I can farm, but even farming, I would be running the combine through the field and I would think of a joke and write it down and the combine would just turn and fuck up the entire crop.
So I'm very clumsy and bad.
That's why stand up.
It's got to work out.
It's got to be.
It's got to be.
How did it work being on a farm, but also not being able to see blood?
Because I feel like on a farm.
I can see my own blood, just I can't see like no needles.
No needles.
But yeah, I can cut my hands up.
Yeah, I mean, you couldn't menstruate and have that.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, I'm menstruating.
But there, yeah, cuts everywhere is totally fine.
It's vasovage, like, you know, yeah, pokey stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll faint putting an earring in sometimes.
No, it's when it's go in the body.
We don't like to go in the body.
You can cut the body.
You can scrape the body.
It can't go in the body.
Did you just like pass out before you got your ears pierced?
Like, how did you like manage that?
The ears pierced.
Or tattoos?
Like, do you freak out?
I only fainted at this one.
Oh, on the cock.
I got too close.
Yeah.
And this one, actually, because it got down like hit the deck, dude.
My mom was laughing too hard.
God damn it.
Where's that boy?
Come in here and go down on me.
You got it, Archer.
You're good.
But like if you had to vaccinate a cow or something, like you had it, like livestock on this farm.
No, no, no.
Bean farming, bean farming, combine.
Oh, it's only no, I'm not sticking things into animals' veins.
I'm not a vet.
I had a friend that had a farm near us.
I'm like, they would just have chickens that would die.
They'd foxes or whatever would get in and like eat all the chickens.
But then there'd just be bloody chickens and we'd have to go fucking clean it and shit.
Farmer's life is a rough life, dude.
That's insane.
It's not easy.
Bloody chickens, I think, would even be fine.
It's more like if I had to give an IV to a cat.
I don't want to do that.
She's going to knock it out.
Bro, Burt Kreiser and that whole crew do it.
Do you guys do those IVs?
IV drip.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
What are we doing?
I used to donate blood.
Like in school.
Stop.
What's wrong with you?
I fainted at Substance.
That movie Substance.
Hard, dude.
Passed out right in the theater.
Tried to get to the bathroom.
Yeah, I heard you talking about this movie.
I remember seeing the trailer and I looked nuts.
It's really good.
It didn't seem all about it.
I saw the first seven months.
Love that movie because I love the, I always talk about how plastic surgery freaks me out because people are like, oh, you look so young, but you're not actually young.
You have an old person in there.
And the substance like perfectly encapsulates that where it's Demi Moore living in this old, this young girl.
And it's so good.
So I had to watch it again.
But yeah, it was like, I made it through the gory stuff and I was like, I'm good.
Look at me.
I'm growing.
And then she got a panic attack on screen.
And that's when I just was like, I have to go to the bathroom.
I sweat through all my clothes, passed out in the hallway.
People were walking over me being like another homeless person.
Did you hear your head?
Like, if you pass out, like, that's sketchy.
No, you know to get down.
You get down and you're like, here it comes.
And then you are up against the wall and then you slide down and you're out.
And then you wake up.
On planes, I faint a lot.
Really?
Yeah.
If I watch a movie and because there's less, you know, there's that, it's why you fart a lot and you laugh a lot.
You notice when you watch a movie on a plane, you'll cry.
Yeah.
I don't.
Yeah, I cry all the time.
On planes, right?
Because it makes you, it does some scientific thing that happens.
Yeah, they make food saltier.
Yeah, they apparently a lot of times people want tomato juice or Bloody Mary or whatever because it's salty and you crave salt more.
Oh, wow.
That's why you don't taste salt as much or something.
Yeah, taste.
Yeah, your taste buds get muted, I think.
Or something to that effect.
Yeah.
It's an incredibly unnatural thing flying.
It's, dude, all I want is what you want.
I want to get the transit vehicle.
I want a tour bus.
I want to make it.
Yeah.
I want that.
But how?
We have a podcast every week.
So that's why we're here.
Okay.
I'll do BNE in with George Jordan.
That's your only pod or are you doing another one?
No, I do RIP.
Okay.
Thanks.
Come on, dude.
And but RIP, I could do anywhere.
Okay.
But I want one month on the road.
One month you banked the podcast.
I would love this.
Right?
I would love this.
But why don't we do it?
Because I think a lot of times comics have a hard time selling tickets on a Monday or Tuesday.
You know?
Oh.
So like comedy touring was always just like weekends you go to some shitty club and you do stand-up and do drugs and but then you camp you could just you could just do stuff.
I think we're getting to the point where we could do weekday stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Andrew definitely is.
But also sometimes we're topical and something big happens in the movie.
Oh, God, book a flight the day before.
What are we talking about here?
You guys always could do that.
Does he do arenas?
Yeah.
He could do arenas on the weekends, theater on Wednesday.
Yeah.
And that'd be fun.
But he has a child.
It's the children.
Yeah, also kids.
I have nothing to do with it.
And then you get the month with the kids.
Yeah, then you have a month without kids.
That's that's tough.
That is tough because they grow up so they get big fast.
Yeah.
You could bring them at a young age.
At a young age, you can't raise them.
Wait, isn't Andrew not touring?
He's been off the road for a little bit.
He's doing the movie right now in Australia.
Yeah.
See, that's nice.
Yeah, right?
That's nice.
A good long break.
Oh, yeah.
Although sometimes I take those breaks and I'm like, I'm in a right fucking new hour.
And then the whole break, I'm like, oh, nothing.
I did.
This is the longest I've ever taken.
No, it seemed like five years.
I took like three months on the like three weekends and I was like, I'm going to work on this hour.
I'm going to polish it.
I did nothing.
What is that?
We're imagining some dusty desk in a beautiful room with sun coming in and we're like, dude, diary.
Like, it's not happening.
We're like filling it with family and friends and all the people.
Yeah, I'm not producting today, but the future me.
Yeah, the future me has is a professor.
Raising Kids Fast00:03:10
Yeah, it's crazy what I'm imagining.
Yeah, I'm like, I don't even own a desk.
Oh, Alex has to leave to go to a Rosh Hashanah dinner or something.
Yeah.
Are you Jewish?
Would you like to say goodbye to?
Oh, so you're not dumb.
You're a smart girl.
Oh, God.
Smart girl, you know everything.
Listen, guys, let's take a break because we need to talk about your mental health.
You're probably not doing shit for your mental health.
It's a fucking important thing.
You work on your physical health.
Why don't you work on your mental health?
It is just as important.
And an easy way to do that is go to Talkspace, the number one rated online therapy program, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists.
Get a psychiatrist if you can that you can access anytime, anywhere.
Talkspace is in network.
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Let's get back to the show.
Can I ask you a question about your subway take?
Oh, yeah.
So I imagine you had multiple subway takes, like in your head.
Were there any that you were like, oh, I, if I get, are there any that you would tell here?
And like that you would.
The only other one I had was that all seats need to go back on the plane.
All seats back.
All seats go back.
Everyone goes back.
Everyone goes back.
I love going back.
I love that take.
I've never even understood why this is an issue.
Like the idea of like, oh, do I put my seat back or not?
Larry David, so many people that we know and love don't bring it back.
Don't bring it back.
What is that?
It's because they think it's a huge sign of disrespect to lean into somebody's face.
And I'm like, but we all want to be like this.
Yeah.
So if we all do that, but then there's this one motherfucker on the plane that's straight up being like, that's your prerogative.
You don't have to, then you don't have to lean back.
I would even argue, just make the seats shape that way.
Yeah, it's also, this is not my fault.
This is a Delta thing.
Like Delta said that they can go back that many feet or inches, so I'm going to go back.
Yeah, like, don't get mad at me.
And yeah, we, but you still have that thing where you haven't gone back yet and the chair hits and you go, damn, that is offensive.
Like, if I was not a seat back, but they said, oh, that's offensive.
That's better.
But maybe it fucks the person in the back.
I mean, what is the logic?
You know what that person does?
Yeah.
There's one person that gets fucked all the way in the back because those seats don't recline.
But they're poor.
Exactly.
Yeah.
That is a good point.
Yeah.
I mean, you're already sitting right there.
You're already fucked.
Yeah.
I've been in that seat.
You're leaning back, not leaning back.
It don't make a difference.
Yeah, you just got to eat it.
They're like, I got the last one.
I've got the seats so well with the stank and the chlorine smell.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You hate to see it.
But yeah, I don't even, I don't even think that's a controversial.
I'm like completely with you.
But a lot of people aren't.
It's like half and half.
It's shocking how divisive this is.
I've asked audiences and it's like so.
And the ones who are anti-back are anti-back.
They are like, you are a horrible person.
I don't think those people fly very much.
If you fly a lot, you're so uncomfortable on the plane.
Give me any ounce of like less discomfort.
Not even comfort, just less discomfort.
I need that.
Yeah.
I have a lot of plane problems.
I agree.
Yeah.
Well, I wish we could talk about it at stand-ups.
Somebody decided it was hacky in the 1980s and now I can't do it.
Yeah.
But like the person behind you trying to get off the plane before you.
Yo, I will fuck that person.
What is that?
If you say I have somewhere to be, dude, the other fucking day, my dog, we're getting on a plane and my dog is doing the cutest thing that she does before we get on a plane, which is where she rolls on the carpet and scratches her back.
It's the cutest thing you've ever seen.
And this woman goes, there's something wrong with your dog and she shouldn't be on the plane.
Whoa, what?
I'm fucking bitching.
I'm fuming.
And she walks and I stop her.
I put my arm out and I go, hey, what were you saying?
There's something wrong with my dog.
And she was like, well, there's obviously she has like a skin thing because she was scratching.
And I was like, she was.
And I like just stopped this woman before she got on the plane and had this whole good breakdown with her about how insane it was that she said that.
And she was like, okay.
And then she walked on.
I was like, I'm glad we had this conversation.
She's like, me too.
Have any of these conversations ever been filmed?
Has an iPhone ever popped out and you're like, oh, I snap back.
I got to get out of here.
That was what I was worried about.
That Manhattan one when I punched that guy's mirror because there were so many people around.
No, I've had people DM me and be like, I saw you in a fight with a security guard over here.
Totally.
By the way, you'd love the pun.
Like, what?
I get in fights.
You know, when you walk into a store and they go, Hi, what can we, what are you, what are you looking for today?
And you're like, pants shopping?
I'll fight that bitch.
I'll fight her.
What are you doing?
Leave me alone.
I'll walk in.
I'll be like, I know how to do it.
I know how to buy my own pants.
I'll be like, so are you looking for any sort of fit?
I'm like, I know you think I'm going to steal.
Fuck off.
I'm not going to fucking steal from you.
What are they doing?
They don't think you're going to stay.
They're forced by the company to make the guests feel uncomfortable.
Nobody looks at the white girl and is like, she's.
I had hunger recently that I was like, you're giving me so much anxiety right now, babe.
You got to back off.
And she was like, I'm, I think we're on the save wavelength.
And I was like, 100% not on the same wave.
I need you to treat me like I'm an enemy.
That's what I need.
I've had so many people come up to me at a store, like in a row that I was like, what's happening?
Dude, how many people do I have to tell you?
I know, but I grew up a fat mall goth that would get profiled for actually, I would steal everything.
So now I'm like, dude, I'm not.
It's weird when people think, dude, when people think you're poor when you used to be poor now, like my neighbor by my house thinks I'm white trash because my mom has two pit bulls and my sister has two Pomeranians and we're always looking like white trash.
And she's like, you guys need to stay on your property.
And I realized, I was like, oh my God, she thinks I have no money.
She thinks I'm white trash.
And I overdid it trying to think I would make her think I was rich.
Like I brought her zucchinis and I was like, we grew these on our property.
Like, she was like, just leave me alone.
I was like, you're right.
That's how you're going to prove to her that you were rich.
I thought the zucchini.
I brought ages.
Oh, my God.
You don't even know how to pretend to be rich.
She was catching me on her property.
I keep going back there.
You got to stop.
She caught me two days ago.
I was on her property.
What are you doing on her property?
It's just I'm a little landlocked on mine and the dogs like to run.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she doesn't like it.
She can't even see us.
We're deep in the woods, but she found us and she was shaking and she was like, You're not respecting my boundary.
And I was like, Do you plan on living here for long?
Because I need you to not live here anymore.
She was like, She's like, I don't plan on leaving.
It was awful.
Oh, wait, what dogs?
Is it the pit bulls or the other?
It was the pit bulls.
The pit bulls are the problem.
Yeah.
Are you a pit bull lover?
I'm a pit bull lover.
Yeah, totally.
Do you understand the stigma?
Yeah, dude.
Her mom's pit bull ate her friend or her girlfriend's cat's foot.
Yeah, right off, clean off.
I was on acid when I saw the foot.
Freaking bone charred.
You can't do that.
Yeah.
Yep.
So you kept the pit bull?
Yeah, wait.
So baby, the pit bull ate.
My mom always had these women just moving in.
My mom had a woman move in with us and she had two kids.
And my mom broke up their marriage.
Is that a real thing?
Lesbians move in like immediately.
So fast.
Oh, really?
Sometimes it would bother me, and I'd be like, I would want to be like, mom, are you like compensating for the fact that you don't have a cock?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, are you like, if you had a cock, would you be like, I'm just going to dick this bitch down?
But because I don't, I have to be like, you can move your Ikea.
Is that, is there something with that?
But no, I think it's just way too much emotional connection too fast.
Like, men will just be like, pump the brakes, pump the brakes, but women are like, why ever pump the brake?
Let's just eat each other.
And so then they would move in.
And then baby ate the foot of this woman's cat.
And the woman was like, I'm worried that you're going to, the dog is going to attack my kids.
Rightfully so.
Yeah.
And my mom was like, all right, leave my dog over everything.
Take your little crippled cat and get the fuck out of here.
Damn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Totally.
Pit bulls do scare me because my dog is so small and he's a fucking yappy little thing.
I wonder where he gets that from.
But I'm like, you're going to get killed.
Yeah.
You got to know your friends.
No, my dog's best friend is two pit bulls, though.
If they're raised right, they're the best.
The pit bull, yeah.
My dog, mom's dog will put my dog's head entirely in its mouth and just hold it there.
And I'll watch my dog just be like, this is the best.
And I'm like, I get it.
You want the daddy.
It feels good.
It's nice.
She likes the threat, just like your mommy.
She likes the woman.
That's really what it is.
It's not that I have anything as pit bulls.
I just don't trust people.
So I'm like, I'd have to know what kind of a dad you are before I let they're bred oftentimes to be a little more aggressive.
Am I not?
Am I mistaken?
They have a in there.
They have a.
When I've owned pit bulls, they have like a hunt and kill mentality.
Like they'll just find a woodchuck and just end its life very quickly.
But I think that that's just their size.
Like I think any dog would do that.
They just can't.
Yeah, my dog chases after pigeons.
Right.
Like, I think they just can't do it.
Actually, squeaky squeak toys, apparently, it's like it makes it them feel like they're killing a thing.
And that's why they like it.
Dogs are squeak toys.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
My dog tore open a squeak toy the other day and the squeaker just said, you won.
And I was like, no.
Oh, that's clever.
I like that, dude.
Yeah, it was really cool.
It's kind of nice.
Yeah.
But yeah, I don't know.
There's something about like, you got to find out the car facts of the owner and be like, are you a good owner before I like let my kid pet your dog?
Yeah, all dogs who meet, you've seen chihuahuas and they bite.
They just don't hurt.
Pit bulls can just do a lot of damage because they got the giant jaw.
Yeah.
There was a mastiff on the fucking train the other day and it was so big.
And I turned and looked at it and it took my look as like we're friends and it just jumped on me and was just like slobbering on me and everybody was like, oh my God.
But the dog was just loving me so hard.
It is just like, and the owner knew the owner was like, I'm not going to, it's totally fine.
But yeah, it's all, it's all what the owner is.
And I think people who have pit bulls sometimes do it for status.
So they're fucking, you know, they project a little.
Yeah, and they want it to be.
But you see these white girls in Brooklyn walking their dogs and they won't, they choke on the leash so hard.
Yeah.
And I'm like, that's going to be a bad dog.
Yeah.
And you're thinking it's going to be a good dog because you're training it, but you have to let them rock.
You're teaching them to be tense all the time.
Yeah.
And they're aggressive on leash because they're thinking they're like, oh, I'm being held back because I'm supposed to be fighting for something.
You got to let them free.
You got to free the dog.
You seem like such a good dog, mom.
I feel like you'd be a good mom, mom.
I know.
I'd be such a good mom.
It's such a shame.
I'm not going to have kids.
I'd be the best.
I'd have a feral little fucker here.
Yeah.
Little naked boy.
Yeah.
Is that you're never gonna have kids?
If somebody comes inside me, I'll keep it.
But I can't, I don't do good holding down relationships.
And I'm not freezing my eggs.
Why not?
Because they're crazy.
These girls go crazy.
You see all these comedians who freeze their eggs and they go two months of losing their goddamn mind.
Also, I don't want to.
I'm not that pro kid that I'm going to do the egg freezing because then they pay, it's a racket.
They pay 10 grand at least.
Freeze the shit out of their eggs and then they all get pregnant immediately after naturally.
This happened to like four of my friends.
Really?
And you got to pay to storm, right?
Like they charge like a rent.
It's like storage wars.
Like there's like dealing with it somewhere.
It's yeah.
And if I don't get pregnant, it's not meant to be.
If I do get pregnant, I'll keep it.
Would you raise like a stepkid?
Yeah, raise a stepkid, raise somebody else's kid.
Yeah.
I see you adopting.
I would like to adopt a little Chinese baby.
Oh, you go Chinese.
Yeah, they're specs.
They are really cute.
They're so cute.
You know they're going to be smart.
I love a Chinese baby.
Yeah.
Oh, look at them.
The little Chinese baby is.
Oh, far right is so cute.
Oh, Bubba.
What are we doing?
Bobby Lee.
Right there.
To the left, to the left.
Look at the.
Oh, come on.
Yeah, I would love to adopt it right there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at that fucking kid.
Oh, my goodness.
What a cutie patootie.
But the thing with adopting is you want to adopt an orphan or else they end up connecting with their whack-ass crackhead mother because they want to find their roots.
And then that mom takes them on some shopping spree and gets them high fructose corn syrup every time they say, you know what I mean?
It fucks up your whole thing.
Parents want nothing to do with them.
Yeah.
You need, yeah, totally.
Or dead parents.
You know what I was trying to talk about on stage, which never works?
All my female friends are like, I want to have a kid, but I don't want to raise it with a man, right?
But I don't want to freeze my eggs.
So I basically, the way they're describing is they're like, I want to get pregnant and then basically have the guy just disappear forever.
And I'm like, you're describing rape.
You want to get raped and have a man be locked up.
And I think men are going to get so bad for women to date that we're going to have like rape nights where we go out and get raped.
I know.
I can't do it.
I'm not talking about how she worked out.
Can I work it out a little bit?
Why not just the problem with the logic of the bit is you could also just a guy gets you pregnant and then leave.
No, because he won't leave ever.
He won't leave and he could always come back into your life.
If he's in jail, he's done.
Either we want to get impregnated and then kill the man like a praying mantis does.
Yes.
Pretty sick.
That's pretty cool.
Or honestly, maybe that's the disconnect is if you're like, I just want him to like go to like have sex with me.
Then maybe he winds up in jail or something.
He does something.
Then if you give them that breadcrumb and then you just don't say so hard.
You're like, I think what you're describing is yeah, they don't like it.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
Soften it.
Soften it.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Because it still is consensual.
Like there's still a consent part, you know?
Yeah.
I think we worked out your rape bit.
We did it.
We did it.
I say rape so much on stage just sometimes just to see the reaction.
It's so crazy how people react.
Oh my God.
I know.
I know.
It's crazy that one word can just shut down a whole race.
It's nuts.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool.
You feel like a fucking puppeteer.
You're like, no.
I got you.
Oh, I got you.
That's nice as a woman.
I can say your ass can't say you really can't.
Yeah.
I tried.
Never work.
You can't.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Damn.
I tried saying the other day that I know that it's getting women are dealing with better finally because women that get are so annoying.
That did got that reaction.
That got this reaction.
Like, when a man gets raped, they shut down emotionally.
They disassociate.
They disassociate.
You try and talk to them and they just slowly face a corner in the room.
You ask a woman about rape, and they're like, well, I'm not yet.
And I'm like, this is good.
This is progress.
Women are talking about on every first date.
We're getting somewhere.
We're moving in the right direction.
You just want men to be more open, also.
Yeah, if every man, if a guy, yeah, then I would know.
Then I would know that it was getting better.
That men were evolving.
If they sat down on a date and they're like, let me tell you about when I was and you went, oh, oh, shit.
You know, because that's happening to you guys.
Every date you go on, you guys are in relationships.
But when you go on a date, women will immediately bring up their assault.
Really?
Yeah, or any trouble.
Oh, my God.
Totally.
So how should you handle that as a guy?
If there's any single guys out there, should you just kind of lean back and be like, so what was that like?
Or do you just, oh, I'm so sorry.
You go, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
You got to do it.
I'm so sorry.
If you want to have sex, it's empty calories.
You go, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
That must have been so hard.
Yeah, I hate that.
Assault is you.
I hate it.
I fucking hate.
But then they're going to try to fuck you that night.
So, like, you got to.
Now you write.
That's what men do is they go, oh no, now if I try and fuck this woman, it's don't think that way.
Really?
I would think you got to wait a few dates now.
Now you got a slow play.
This girl got.
I can't be the guy trying to fuck her when she just told me she got.
Well, what happened?
You got to edit all that?
Yeah, we duck every time.
He's ducking these.
We have to duck everyone.
Okay.
What's the duck kit?
But you got to think.
You got to mute it.
That would actually be way funnier.
Every time you say we have a little duck.
Let's do that.
Let's put a little duck noise.
Apologizing for Sex00:15:21
That's kind of nice.
Okay.
Let's make ramp is take the teeth out of it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
We can say grape.
Is that better?
But now you're so.
Keep going.
Keep going.
You just got to be you.
Yeah, be you.
Okay.
Yeah.
And then Miles will just make you a quack, quack.
Yeah.
I wonder why are YouTube guys hating down?
But I got very skittish of this whole thing because in college, they told us, like, my orientation, they're like, if a girl drinks alcohol, she can't consent.
And then I was like looking at my friends that are girls that are like get shit faced and bang dude.
Dude, I'm minor dude.
You know what I mean?
Dude, I never had sex sober until I got sober.
This is what my friends said.
I looked at it and I was like, is this true?
And they were like, it's so bad.
I mean, it's so, it's like when all the, dude, here's, I also like, you know, people who got like clocked, dragged, ranked, right?
And then, so, and then you went to college and they said all of that.
You know what I mean?
Just fucking clubbed over the head.
And those girls, which I know, dude, my sister had this happen when she was like 15 brutal.
And then all of a sudden, all these girls are like, I was because I drank and had sex with this guy.
And I just remember my sister being like, you fuck off.
You want to see?
You want to see it?
I'll give you something to cry about.
Yeah, totally.
But yeah, I mean, there's something to be said about when you get fucked up and you wake up and you're like, dude, come on.
I know that you didn't drink as much as me.
You know, I fucking hate you.
You know, I find you disgusting.
I turned you down five times and you did this.
Then I can imagine being like, I'm going to press some charges.
But when it's just two drunk people having sex, it's tough.
You can't, I, I, yeah.
That's what they told us in school.
And I was like, well, I'm just going to.
That's good, though.
It's good to go hard on this, right?
You're going to finish the sentence for God's sakes.
Well, you can't be like, and that's what they told us.
And I was like, well, I'm just going to stick with my girl and then marry her.
Yeah, And then you get her drunk.
Wait, what?
Yeah, now you can just fuck your wife drunk, though, right?
That's not right.
But even that, I'm like, what about the guy who fucked his wife and she had Alzheimer's?
Whoa.
And then somebody called the cops.
Wait, that's a thing?
Do you think if you get married, it should be illegal?
No.
Yeah.
Right.
I think it's a solid rule.
They had to make this a law.
They had to make that a law.
Where they were like, like, there's a comedy documentary I saw way back in the day, and it was like comedy around the world.
And there was a guy in Africa, and he was like a warlord.
And he's like, I love stand-up comedy.
And so he does comedy for like the troops in the warlord thing.
And one of his jokes, like this is like his big closer, he goes, so I met this guy and he was like, I f ⁇ ed my wife.
And I was like, how?
And like, it crushed.
And all the guys in this drop are like, yeah.
What?
They were like, how?
It's not possible.
Wow.
And so then everyone's like, all right, we got to make a law.
You can, it's possible to do bad things to your own wife and you shouldn't do it.
And then everyone's like, all right, fine.
Totally.
I think it's possible to have mini r out in the world.
Like the guy who always demands the long hug.
It's a little mini r ⁇ .
You know?
Sometimes the fist bumps, the amount of fist bumps somebody throws at you.
Little mini r.
So many.
So many.
You know the guy who just always is there with the fist bump?
I'm like, what's funny is I offered her one fist bump earlier and I saw her look at it and she thinks I'm on a rank.
What about a high five?
That's full.
That's jail.
I'm a hugger.
And I was like, no, hugging's good.
Hugging's good.
I mean the unattractive guy that's like, bring it in.
As soon as you show up to work and you're like, fuck, now I have to hug Jim for 45 seconds.
Yeah.
Totally.
Yeah.
There is also a guy thing that happens with this, though.
Like guys will just dap each other up too many times.
Oh, really?
Because like, especially if you're drinking a little bit.
Oh, I didn't know that.
You'll be like, yo, later, dude.
And they'll be like, yo, by the way, let me know about the thing.
You're like, yeah, for sure.
It happens when you're leaving.
And then he's like, oh.
Because no one ever leaves right when they see it.
Oh, I didn't know too many daps.
There's multiple dapses at the end.
And then guys will say bye to the rest of the group and they go, anyway, bro.
And that was like the third one in two minutes.
And it's like, oh, okay.
This is the thing.
You all agree.
Too many daps.
Yeah, that's how it is.
Okay, that's nice that you also have to deal with this.
I'm so afraid of white women, I don't even really tug them.
I will only dap them.
I know.
It's really fun in the meet and greet line when people take pictures of me and their hand is just hovering.
Yeah, if I take a picture with a girl, almost always the hand is above the shape.
No, it's not touching.
Yeah, look at it.
Jimone's very funny comic, just closes his fist like this in every photo.
You gotta do the Kiana.
You've seen when he takes photos with people.
What does he do?
Kiana Reeves will like hover hand.
Yeah, he's famously.
And he just like, he'll just like stand there like this.
The wiggle people sitting here.
Wiggle hands so they don't have to touch kits.
See, I feel like that's overcompensing.
Yeah.
You got to watch out for those people.
I throw right here, don't touch, just so if someone's like, oh, he was a creeping meet and greet.
He's like, pull up the picture.
I didn't do it.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Wow, that's solid.
That's solid, right?
Go to the quadrant one because that's got like four of them in a row.
Yeah.
It's tricky for him, though, because look how close women always want to get.
Yeah, he's hot.
I don't have that issue.
One of the hottest, nicest guys ever.
So he's like, yeah, I got to, you know, play it safe.
Women at meet and greets sometimes will just grab onto your shirt because they're so drunk and they're falling over.
Have you ever had that happen where they're clutching onto you because they're so wasted and you're like, they're headed?
I had it happen once or twice.
Once a girl, I was like, yeah.
And then she was like, yeah, your wife doesn't mind.
I was like, yes, the fuck she does.
Yeah.
No, my wife dude did.
None doesn't happen to you.
Like a couple, man and woman.
They'll come up to you.
Well, that.
But like the woman will just be so touchy and then the guy will be there.
And I'm like, can we not?
Like, I don't know how to help you.
Where a guy is being touchy and the girl.
No, the girl's being touchy.
But like, I know, but I'm switching genders.
The guy will be touchy and the girl.
No.
No man feels comfortable touching me.
That's zero.
It's boyfriends, father.
None of them.
People I love.
None of them.
All of them are like, is this all right?
Is this okay?
But do girls ever come on to you?
Yes.
The girls are crazy.
In front of the boyfriends?
Oh, my God.
And the boyfriend will be like, she really wants to have sex with you.
And I'll be like, sorry.
Sorry that your girlfriend wants to cheat on you.
And they're like, I don't consider women people.
And I go, okay.
You do kind of have like a swinger third energy, I feel like, where people will see you and they'll be like, oh, she will obviously be down.
And then I'm sure you could probably.
People think I'm down for anything.
That sounded like an insult.
No, because you talk so much about sex and then you have like this masculine energy that people are like, oh, she's obviously down to join our thrupple.
Yeah.
But everything I'm saying about sex is how much I don't enjoy it.
Yeah, yeah.
She literally says that.
I don't really like sex.
I don't like it that much.
It makes me have the we're all chimps thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It makes me be like, this is so stupid.
I saw methadics doing this on the subway.
This is so dumb.
We think we're so gool of our family.
Yeah, but then you also talk about how addicted you are to sex.
So which one is?
Yeah, addicted to, I'm addicted to love.
And I use sex to get to love.
I am not addicted to sex.
I do not jerk off.
I do not watch porn.
I do not think it's a thing.
Just a means to an end.
Yes, it means to an end.
I'll do anything to get somebody to be like, I'll stay forever.
And turns out if you blow dudes, you can suck the combs straight out of their balls for a year and a half.
They still don't stay.
Damn.
You think that?
You think you go, I'm going to pull all of the semen out of this man and then we'll get married.
No, maybe it's actually worse.
Yeah.
It's actually worse.
Yeah.
You have to say, no, you can't come on me all the time.
Yeah.
And then they go, oh, I respect you.
You're going to be like a trad wife.
Yeah.
If you went full trad wife, I feel like that was.
I've gone full trad wife.
I've done the trad wife thing.
Yeah.
I did it.
I did the running seven miles a day, making the oatmeal in the morning.
I did the trad wife thing.
I tried.
But then, you know.
But then you got to say no sex before marriage.
That's the ultimate one.
That would be great.
I would love that.
No sex before marriage would be awesome.
The buildup would be great.
Yeah.
I think sex is actually an impediment to finding love.
I agree.
For you.
But you're not told that growing up.
You know what I mean?
You look at your friends having sex and you go, they have a boyfriend because they're having sex.
So then you start to realize your friend can break up with them.
Yeah.
You think that it's, it is now I finally learned that that men will put their dicks in anything.
Yeah.
But yeah, you have to wait.
But sometimes it's hard to wait because then you think, if you do it, why don't I not wait typically?
I not wait because, yeah, there's this subconscious thing of like, I'm going to lock it in.
Because if we have sex, he'll be like slightly indebted, which doesn't happen.
Yeah, you should read that Steve Harvey book, Think Like a Man.
Was it act like a lady?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Steve Harvey wrote a whole book.
I genuinely don't know what it is, but I've seen this.
You're not supposed to have sex with men for like 30, 40 days, something like that.
Really?
Yeah.
What does Steve Harvey know about this?
What the fuck is going on?
Yeah, don't do that shit.
That shit don't work.
Act like a lady, think like a man.
You're not going to trust this guy.
Why is a man writing that book?
Because think like a man is how men think.
This is how I got you.
I got you.
This is how you need to navigate.
This is how we really are.
No man is going to be honest about how we are.
And if you have sex with them too early, I think he's like, they're going to lose interest.
And they won't tell you that.
Well, there's also the problem that as a woman, you get attracted to men who aren't into you.
Like then you get aroused.
You know what I mean?
You get slightly aroused when a guy's like, I don't know if I'm feeling this.
So I think you subconsciously are like, well, maybe if I have sex with him, he'll like me.
But I think subconscious, subconsciously, you're like, I kind of want to fuck this guy because he reminds me of my upbringing.
You know?
Yeah.
A little bit where he's like, I don't know if I feel this.
And you go, oh, yeah, you're going to feel something.
You're going to feel something.
I mean, you've heard the adage.
Like they told us this in Bible study.
They're like, women use sex to get love and then men use love to get sex.
That's fucked up.
That was in your Bible stuff.
You guys have such a better gender.
That sounds so much more fun.
Ours is so pathetic.
You know what I mean?
Yours is so cool.
You use that.
You have sex with somebody.
Wait, what do you use sex for?
You use love.
You're like, oh, I love you.
Baby, you're the only one for me just to get sex and then you're done.
Whereas women will be like, well, what do you use to get love?
Just push it down.
You don't need love.
Oh, okay.
No love.
That's nice.
That's nice.
That's good.
We need it so bad.
But then you use sex to get love and then men get the love and then, or then they give the love and then they get the sex and they're out.
This is what they told us in Bible study.
I don't know.
Bible study.
Yeah, dude.
Okay.
He's trying to convert you right now.
I don't know if you're.
Are you religious?
I grew up very religious.
Are you?
And then now I'm like casually religious, but I'm the most religious person of any of my friends.
Do you believe there's a God?
Yeah.
A guy?
Man?
I mean.
Yes.
Yeah, but like, why?
Why?
I think it's like a consciousness, probably.
But that's not religion.
I hate this.
No, God is a man.
Dude, we make it a man because we write it.
We make it a man because they breathe out of their vaginas once a month.
Why would God do that if he was a man or if he was a woman?
If God was a woman, he would be like babies.
You don't do shit.
Yeah, because he don't want, he's like, men shouldn't have to go through that.
No way.
You guys are a little tool.
You're drone bees.
You go up to the queen.
Why is the bee a queen woman?
Runs the whole hive.
We do everything.
Yeah, yeah.
He gives y'all.
You guys are literally warriors.
That's why God is a man.
He gives y'all all the responsibility.
No, you guys don't know anything.
You have no foresight.
You don't have intuition.
You have bliss.
He made us like that.
He made you like that so that you can serve.
I'm sorry.
She made you like that so you can serve.
You have to serve.
You have to go build the thing.
What do we say?
We don't build.
Not anymore.
You don't because you've lost God.
Yeah.
No, I found God and I still can't use a hammer.
Wait, does Hindu think it's a dude?
Yeah, I mean, we have one slice, like life formless, I would assume.
He's formless.
Yeah.
Or like an elephant.
But yeah, but the avatars of the world are, yeah, that's also a man.
Is Ganesh a man?
Basically.
There are goddesses, though.
Lakshmi is a goddess, a goddess of wealth.
So there are goddesses, but come on.
But they're goddesses because they're married to God.
They are with men.
Oh, really?
No, no, no.
They're goddesses.
But they always have these trists with like...
You think it's a guy?
No, I think it's consciousness.
I think it's lovely.
Everybody peaks that.
That's not religious.
You're not religious.
Everybody thinks that there's consciousness.
Everybody knows that everything's in consciousness.
Bro, stop it.
I like that.
I like that you have a hard take.
I don't like when people say they're religious and they just believe what every single person believes.
You're a hardcore Catholic.
Well, he's manifested as a guy in Jesus, right?
Heavenly will even know you're Jesus guy.
Yeah, grew up Catholic.
You don't think Jesus is just a guy who did a good job?
No, he definitely was that.
But you think he died for your sins and all that?
No, you don't.
He believes that.
He does.
Really?
Yes, he does.
And that's okay.
Stand on it.
10 to 10.
Let me ask you a question.
Oh, heavenly, fill that blank in.
Oh, heavenly.
Father.
Ah.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Why not mother?
Why not?
Oh, heavenly non-binary.
He all kind of intuitively know it is a woman, right?
Like a little bit.
I mean it.
No.
Really?
You really don't?
No, because y'all's life.
You think God has a penis?
Son, manufacturer defects all over y'all.
What defects?
Oh, the period once a month.
What a fucking thing.
The period is not supposed to happen.
It's supposed to bring life.
Like God.
Yeah, that's what he tells y'all.
So you don't get mad and not believe in him.
You guys think that God has a penis and balls instead of boobs and a vagina?
Yes.
You're not just talking about the yeast infection, the UTIs.
You have so many disgusting balls.
We wash them right off us.
We actually enjoy ourselves every once in a while.
Oh, yeah, no, they smell good to me, but I know like objectively it's a bad smell, but I don't know.
Oh, you kind of sniff it.
Yeah, kind of, kind of.
Every time.
But you think God has a vagina and like menstruates?
I don't believe in God, but I think if there was a God, it would definitely be a woman.
You say God would give herself a period.
I think God would...
Said rain?
God.
God, every time.
I think God, God is shedding his.
If God was a woman, God wouldn't have her period because she would be constantly giving birth.
It'd be birth of life, you know?
I think the blood is, you know.
And make pregnancy that you guys don't do anything.
You come from split open.
I want a female because, oh, you think we're being punished?
Yeah.
No, no.
God gave us the easy life because he's one of us.
He knows you're stupid, stupid.
You don't do anything.
God has everything.
God has a complicated existence of birth and blood and pain and suffering.
God takes on a lot of shit.
You guys are drone bees.
You're just drone bees.
You just give semen.
You're not supposed to do anything.
You're not even supposed to be a part of the child's life.
Go out, hunt, drag it back, and we go, go, go, go.
The life we raise until you're in the middle.
If God is a woman, she definitely likes men more.
If God is a woman, I can land on.
He knows you can't handle shit.
If you guys bled every, but you...
We can't record this.
We gave my period.
W.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We would complain all the time.
Yeah.
But that's why she did that.
She had to, she just because she gives it's like saying an ant, you guys are God.
Like an ant doesn't know shit, right?
An ant doesn't bleed, an ant doesn't do anything, right?
God is not an ant.
You know what I mean?
That's an interesting point.
Right.
That's God is not a bacteria or whatever, a mosquito.
How come your life sucks then?
Because it's complicated, way more complicated than being a woman.
Way more pressure, way more responsibility because we're literal gods.
To give her a point, like God gives his tough, but God gives his tough battles to his strongest people.
What is it?
Yeah, yeah.
What is it?
Yeah.
God gives his strongest test to his toughest test to his strongest.
Yeah, how are you guys tested?
Oh, I can't come today.
We've got to deal with y'all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is tough.
That is a fucking great counter.
That is really tough.
Yeah.
But also, men bring life.
Ants Are Not God00:08:31
Like, without men, you guys wouldn't have any babies.
Right.
That's true.
Right.
Both are good.
I really truly don't believe that God is a person or that there is a God.
I think we know what there is.
You know what it is.
Nobody actually believes in God.
Nobody actually, come on.
Do you believe in God?
No.
I believe in just a higher power.
Yeah.
Same.
What is that?
That's God.
The higher power is that there's something that knows more than us.
Yeah.
It could be the energy of the world.
It could be yourself.
Like, you guys try to define, like, make it a person or make it a being.
Like, I don't make it a being.
Yeah, there's no way it's a being or else it could be an ant or mosquito.
No, yeah.
It's when you trip hard balls and you go, oh my God, I'm such an idiot.
We are all connected.
Everything is all of the same stuff.
I'm fairly certain.
All religions at the end of the day, God is three things: was omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient.
So omnipresent is everywhere.
And that can't be a form.
That can't have a male form or a female form.
But if it was one, it would definitely be a man.
No way.
You guys don't know anything.
You're not, you can't, you can only think about one thing at a time.
Women can think about everything.
Overthink about everything.
We have to overthink.
We're dealing with humanity.
Some might say.
Some might say you're so smart.
You're kind of.
Imagine a woman hook a baby from their womb up to their boob while they're fucking juggling a million other things.
They're dealing with your whack ass and not be like, that is a fucking guy.
That's so impulsive.
I'm like, how can such an inferior creature be?
The only way we're inferior is we have a built-in thing in our brain that tells us that we need you.
Yeah, that is true.
Ruins us.
Ruins us.
If we could unlock that thing that goes, I actually don't need a man, but that's very built in, or else you guys would be completely insignificant.
I mean, we'd hang out with you, but we would not mate with you.
We would not.
But this is how men were for years.
We were like, yeah, we don't need women.
Like, women are just for kids, and then we hang out with each other.
And that's how it was for probably all of human beings.
It doesn't talk about the history of those women, but they were chilling.
They were chilling, dude.
Roman Empire women.
Oh, my God.
Raising one kid in a fucking Epicurean garden together.
So much better.
If you guys are into that, I think we could all agree to that.
Like everybody.
Who would love that?
Y'all are the ones that change it.
No, God, you fuckers did it.
Oh, you guys are going to start working and doing stuff.
No, you guys said one partner forever and monogamy and all of that religious shit.
Yeah.
I didn't see any guys like Christians anyway.
Yeah, Christians.
But when in the Christian world, it was men and women who were separate.
And everyone's.
No, it's your male God up there telling us what to do.
Yeah.
I don't believe in one partner for me.
For her.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I believe in that.
But if she made more money than me, then maybe it would go the other way.
You could be monogamous and still have women raise the children together.
You know what I mean?
You could do it Mexican style.
Mexican style is good, dude.
She's got like a fast food order.
Isn't it Mexican style?
I'll say that double, double Mexican style.
Little Mexican guy comes in, impregnates the woman, and then she has nine kids that she raised with her Buela, her mom, her, you know what I mean?
It's all one troop and a bunch of other Mexican ladies while they do stuff with corn.
Yeah, yeah, they stitch and they stitch things.
It's stitched though.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is nice.
And they go off and roof.
Yeah.
It's good.
That's nice.
Yeah.
I mean, I was thinking about this.
Every powerful dude in history, like up until recently, had a harem, right?
Like, if you're the king, you had like multiple women and concubines.
That's still how it is.
Epstein?
That's the thing.
What happened is that now there's too many people that have power.
Back in the day, it was one dude per country.
Yeah.
It was only one guy per country and he had a harem and it worked.
But now with capitalism, everyone can get money.
If you have enough money, then you can get a harem.
And so now everyone's got harems.
I think a harem is fine.
So long as it's at their own will, you can have a harem.
Yeah.
I guess how many is a harem?
Like plus, like three plus?
Three plus, yeah, I would say.
Yeah.
I even say three.
Do I have to emotionally be there for any of them?
No, the whole point of harem is that you're not.
Love that.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Spartan had like them chained up.
No, that's no, come on.
They need to be able to get the fuck out of my face.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to hear about it.
They got to go shower.
Yeah.
And they would all hang with each other, I'm pretty sure.
Like all the girls, like they would gallivant around.
Did Cleopatra have a harem of men?
Was there any women?
I would be okay with that.
Her having a harem of men.
She's very powerful.
I doubt it, but let's look it up.
I think that's fair.
That's all I want.
We don't want that many of you guys around gross.
Yeah.
I just don't think women are designed that way.
With that, we are.
She allegedly kept an entire harem of handsome young men, says one historical source.
And then there's another historical source that says no, not at all.
We're going to go with yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Women are just defective in that.
Dude, Frida Cowlow had was like in love with her husband, whatever his name was.
What was his name?
Whatever.
The famous painter.
And her whole thing was like, don't ever be too attached to your husband.
And then he fucked her sister and she just like begged for him back or something and got like spinal biffin or something.
He was just like, there's no, if women could just get rid of that little defect, we would be the best.
Yeah.
Just because of that unibrow, man.
She just got it plucked out.
He would have fucked his sister or sister.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
That was the tricky thing with second wave feminism is that y'all were like, oh, we're just going to be men.
But y'all didn't want to be men.
You wanted to be women in charge.
But instead, women were like, oh, we're going to be second wave.
I don't know the waves, to be honest with you.
I miss the hair.
I miss the hair.
The waxing is getting crazy.
I thought it was so hot when women had the vaginal hairs.
Armpit hair and stuff.
Oh, the armpit hair.
I don't mind armpit hairs.
I think it's kind of attractive.
Because it's never that much.
It's like always the smallest little thing.
It's like feminine.
It's like womanly armpit hair.
Wait, it doesn't get bushy?
Not like yours.
No.
Oh, okay.
Like woman with leg hair is like, it's not like they're just like hair.
See?
Light.
Do you shave your legs?
No.
Like, that's what, you know what I mean?
Yeah, that's okay.
Right?
There's nothing there.
But that's what it is.
Yeah.
But the pubes, that becomes an afro.
It depends.
Like, that gets bushy.
Yeah, it depends.
But we don't really like it to be that bushy.
You know what I mean?
We like to keep it trim.
Yeah.
But I do think hair needs to come back.
It is crazy.
And I think second wave feminism, where we were trying to be men, I agree with you.
We were cutting our hair, but there's also something about being a Man, that's actually more comfortable.
Like you guys have a more comfortable existence.
Yeah.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Your whole existence is being comfortable.
Yeah, right.
So us being a man means like we were trying to be comfortable.
And now people are thinking they're feminist.
And I'm like, I don't know if you can be a feminist in the high heels.
I'm not sure if I can.
I'm not sure if I can.
You know, I mean, I guess you can because you get to do whatever you want because you're a woman.
And I'm learning this that you're a woman.
I can't say women aren't feminist, even though they're being a woman, but sometimes with the high heels.
You're saying women don't want to take accountability.
Surprising.
Yeah.
But I think there's certain traits of men that women didn't want to be a part of that they thought they like men, like the like CEOs, like there's like no empathy.
They're like narcissists.
And so women were like, oh, we'll do that.
And then they were like, oh, fuck, I don't want to fire this person that has to take care of their kid.
Right.
And then they were like, well, I have this pantsuit on, so I have to do it.
I just feel like, men, you guys should do so much stuff, but I do think that the overall leader should be a woman.
I do, I do think it, the lawyers and the cutthroat people and the engineers, fine being men, but the president I do think should be a woman.
It should be the hive keeper.
Okay.
Tell me what I mean.
Well, I think senators and all that, all of the drone bees, honestly, should be men, but I think the overall leader should be somebody who can operate with empathy with you know, with all of the things that women can do okay, and foresight and future thinking and obsessive thoughts.
That should be president right, like somebody who's gonna be like, I'm not opposed, the matriarch does a good job, matriarch does do a good job and I just think that yeah, I think the military, the defense person man, you know what I mean.
The head of engineer man, you know I mean.
But the one, the hive leader that's like you guys need to eat enough protein today, you know what I mean.
Like you can't have cookies yeah, before dinner.
The hostess with the most, the hostess with the most is that should be a woman, the one you know what I mean.
The one who's like you can't, you have to have a new pillowcase, you have to get a new.
There's something to that, because we all have to acknowledge the president doesn't really do shit and so if like, it's just gonna be kind of a figurehead of having a woman that's kind of able to be diplomatic and nice yeah, and not want to see kids die yeah, you know, I think this is an easy seller.
Matriarch Defense Team00:02:07
I bet you can get people on board this.
No yeah, I think this is a very sellable thing.
I'm not really about the easy sells.
If you haven't noticed, I bury those down.
It's the really up cells that i'm interested in getting people.
That's why we love you, dude.
That's what makes you so funny.
Yeah, that's true, Jordan.
Anything else you want to plug before we go?
We got B AND UH rip.
Watch rip.
Uh, it's more philosophy based podcasts.
Watch B And Ian.
It's a silly, silly podcast.
Take me with you is my special.
Go watch it right.
Go stream it on Netflix.
Can I ask you one last thing?
Yeah, just a story that I think would be good to kind of to end on.
You did stand up at your father's funeral, did I?
Is that true?
I on accident.
Can you tell us what happened?
Oh whoa, my father's funeral.
I had just started stand up and I was supposed to be.
I was supposed to just be like giving a speech about how sad I was that my dad died, but I ended up just throwing bits out at everybody.
And I what?
What I say when I do stand up roast.
I started roasting people, everybody I talked to, I kept doing bits because I I had pushed down the fact that my dad died And so I couldn't.
I remember I was wearing the blazer that I was wearing at the time doing stand-up.
And like, for instance, there were this, all of my dad's ex-girlfriends were there.
And one of them was like, I dated Jack.
Like, they were meeting each other and I was standing with them.
And one was like, I was dating Jack in the spring of 91 to the fall.
And the other girl was like, wait, I was also dating Jack in the spring of 91.
And I just walked up to them and like put my arms around and went, What are you guys going to do?
Kill him?
And walked away.
Like, I was doing that everywhere, dude.
And it was crazy.
I couldn't stop cracking jokes about the Viagra that my dad had and all the weed.
And it was, yeah, it was inappropriate.
It was inappropriate.
And we had coping, dude.
You got to cope.
Yeah.
And I had a giant pig roast at the funeral, but I didn't know how to like dress it or pull it or anything.
So it just looked like we were at a pig's funeral.
It was so bad.
It was like in the middle.
My dad was cremated, so there was no body.
So it was just all of us gathered around this dead pig and being like, We loved him.