Matteo Lane and hosts dissect Netflix's rejection of his special for lacking trauma, contrasting it with his supportive relationship and hair grafts. They debate gay comedy norms, OnlyFans monetization, and the cultural superiority of Italian food over French pretension, citing pasta rules and regional dialects. Ultimately, the episode argues that while America embraces casualness, Italy's religious dedication to tradition and cuisine defines its unique identity. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Hair Transplant Regrets00:06:34
What is the big purchase?
It's my special, actually.
When I put my special on YouTube, like, I paid all this money.
How much?
How many hair plugs?
2,700 grafts.
I wanted to call it Mateo Lane.
Netflix said no.
Mike Cannon actually said to me, He's like, It's beneath you.
So many people say, Well, soon Netflix.
When is Netflix coming?
Are you going to get Netflix?
Netflix.
And I was like, They said I wasn't right for their channel.
They think that queer people can only communicate through our trauma.
Yes, that's an important part of where we come from and our pain and growing from that.
They want to hear the story about how your dad hated you.
They don't want to hear the story about like your family supports you.
They want to hear me talk about my hair plugs.
They want to hear another thing.
Welcome to Flagrant.
Today we are joined by the newly not single Mateo Lane.
Big flagrant favorite.
Obviously, a lot of things happen in your life.
Hair plugs look phenomenal.
Thank you.
I have more hair.
Heartbreak.
We could talk about it.
Hair plugs and heartbreak.
The special on YouTube.
Go watch it right now.
Yep.
Massive tour.
But most importantly, love.
I know.
I need to ask questions about.
Okay.
So, what are your rules in the relationship?
Like, rules.
All right.
Any of my friends that are gay in relationships.
Yeah, but even within open and closed, there's like specific rules that each couple has.
Well, gays, we love rules.
No, we're monogamous.
Fully.
Yeah.
So you won't bring anybody in, and then I mean, you know, not.
Okay, see.
I mean, we just been together for like two months.
Usually the way gay works is like, it's like, all right, well, we'll be like dedicated to each other for an extended amount of time.
And then when we're totally trusted with each other, we can maybe open up if we want, if it feels natural.
But like, neither one of like I found someone who has quite similar motives that I like I do in morals.
Like we just kind of total peace, by the way.
Yeah.
Get this guy up on Instagram.
Oh, yeah.
Just a dime.
Rodrigo.
Yeah.
And he sings and he dances.
Yeah.
He's hot.
I feel, I'm like, whoo, it's like, I get warm thinking about him.
I can tell.
We're going to Italy together and I can't fucking wait.
Is he here right now?
No, he's in Mexico City.
He's from look at how cute he is.
Wow.
But you also have to look at the next picture.
Okay, go.
Don't worry about it.
Just go look at his page.
Oh, what the fuck?
What is that?
An anchor below his belly button?
Yeah, bro.
Whoa.
Anchors away.
Hey, yo, whoa, come on.
No, they can't show that.
He leans to the right.
Look at another picture.
Is that an actor?
Does he lean to the right?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Really?
Is that a Mexican thing?
Just south of the border.
I don't know if it's a Mexican.
I mean, I'm Mexican and mine leans.
I guess mine does lean kind of to the right.
I don't know.
But he's, I mean, I love him.
Based off these photos, you wouldn't know how he is, but he's like the nicest, most caring person, very into mental health, doesn't do drugs.
Eats carbs.
Like, no, he eats.
He won't stop eating.
He's like, Amore, I'm hungry again.
I want to eat again.
I'm like, it's enough.
You've eaten already.
What is that picture right there?
Top right.
Right, this one?
Yeah.
That's him singing.
That's when he first met Mateo.
Yeah.
That is.
Also, look at his jaw.
I can't.
Yeah, he's a dime.
Okay, so you guys are fully monogamous.
That means you're not bringing anybody in.
I have a couple friends and they are fiancéed up.
And they allow other people to be brought into the relationship.
I'm not going to say names.
I don't know if they want their business out here.
But one of the rules.
No, they basically were like, they allow people to come in because they're both kind of tops.
Oh, so they like reluctantly bottom for one another.
Yeah.
So they bring in a hole.
I wish there was like a video.
That's kind of crazy, right?
We need a hole.
You go to the gay bar and then you find the hole.
No one's going to gay bars anymore.
You know, it's like you just, I mean, yeah.
Because they started killing people.
No, no, you're so badass.
No, no, no.
I was that one.
I went with them to the skateboard.
I was just going to get killed.
Well, I was the murderer.
I killed someone.
No.
Kill the gay guys at the gay bar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is where Jesus smokes.
You're going to look at me like, yeah, yeah.
But, Jeffrey, on the way in, I thought I told you this.
The bouncer on the way.
It was in the boiler room.
No, no, Boiler Room is, I know where they all are.
Uh-oh.
I almost said, no, Boiler Room's downtown.
No, no, no.
It's in Hell's Kitchen.
Fuck, what is the name of it?
Mystery Therapy, Hardware.
I love these names.
I'm going to figure it out.
I'm going to figure it out.
The Squat and Gobble?
The Squat.
The Gobble.
That was a place in San Francisco.
It's a real one.
Holy shit.
Yeah, it's a real one.
Yeah.
It's awesome.
Not even a gay bar.
That's how gay San Francisco is.
Sports bomb.
Squat and gobble.
No, I was going in.
The bouncer said, hey, make sure you put a napkin on your drink.
And I was like, what's up with that?
And it's like, wow, somebody's been drugging dudes in a while.
Oh, this is like chilies.
With the fajitas?
Right?
Chili's isn't a gay bar, but your ass hurts when you leave.
Well, that onion blossom is doing wonders for your asshole.
No, but did you hear about this?
I heard there were gays being like attacked or whatever by other gays in the city.
There was like a serial killer for gays.
I don't know if I got that memo, but I don't doubt it.
I mean, New York's a big city and gays are kind of.
Let me tell you about gays, okay?
Let me just teach you.
Actually, I could afford to learn from you because I feel so far removed.
Yeah, but what's it saying about him earlier?
No, no, they basically said that they'll bring in somebody into the relationship and that's okay, but they can't do it more than once with that person and they both have to be present.
I have friends like that.
But I mean, I wish they did like a video series of like tops who reluctantly bought them because their faces are, it's like dragging a kid to church.
It's like that kind of a vibe.
You don't know how right that is.
Best example.
I don't know where to go, Mom.
They're going back.
On their knees.
Squatted gobbles.
Oh my God.
And that's so funny.
I didn't think about that.
Yeah.
No, we're both very like verse, you know.
So sexually very compatible.
Yes, very compatible.
But sometimes that, so that's interesting.
Then that's like a huge privilege for straight relationships is when you meet someone that you really get along with and you love and you vibe with, the sexual components already worked out.
Right, right.
Drag Queens and Comedy00:15:26
They have the whole women, we have the thing that fills a hole.
You guys could meet your love, your best friend, and you both want to be filled.
Now what do you do?
You go to a Broadway show.
I mean, two bottoms.
That's what's happening.
You're like, fine, we'll go to Katz again.
How they get it out.
Yeah.
No, we work.
We're sexually compatible and he's really nice.
And so you'll meet him.
I'll bring him by the cellar.
But it's funny, I was trying to explain comedians because he's like, oh, I want to meet your friends.
And I was like, you start to panic because I'm like, how do you introduce him to Keith Robinson?
How do you explain?
He's like, no, I can handle it.
I can handle you.
I'm like, no, but Keith is.
I can't explain, Keith.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's going to go through it.
Like, who's the nicest comedian I can bring him in front of?
Brian Hamilton.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Brian and Brian first.
He's a good starter.
But everyone wants to meet him at the cellar.
Estee was like, I want to meet him.
Bring him here.
I want to meet him.
I was like, okay, well, all right.
Is there like an excitement?
Are we excited for you?
Because I feel like as long as I've known you.
Well, I haven't really been in a relationship.
In the past three years on this show, I'm like, date me.
So, you know, I don't know.
It's nice.
Do you think it's random that this happened at like the height of your fame?
Like, do you think you're like, I can't be out there in the streets right now?
It's too crazy.
Like, I need to settle down and be with somebody.
Do you know, I will say, New Year's, I was like, I never go out because I just do shows and I also just want to play Fortnite.
Like, I'm not, I'm kind of a homebody, you know, or I just want to work at the cellar.
So I was like, my friends were like, I'm a waste of muscles.
That pissed me off.
I just want to be at home.
If I had a body like this.
I'm literally at home eating like broccoli, playing Fortnite.
Disgusting.
My trainer, Dame.
I see my trainer five times.
I just want to play video games.
I do.
I walk around shirtless, non-stop.
I'm pretty close.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're beef, dude.
I know.
Well, now that I have money, I have a new face and I hired a new face.
He had hired a trainer five days a week.
Wow.
Yeah.
And he put me on a team.
Do you like a guy named Rodrigo?
No, he's Australian named Damon.
Damon Bell, everyone.
And I love him because he's so like, looks like he eats rocks, like scary, you know.
But then he's so gay and Australian.
I'll be like, Damon, how was your weekend?
I think my dog is sick and I'm really upset about it.
You know what I mean?
So not like, there's Damon.
That's my trainer.
Any jealousy between you and Rodrigo about Damon?
No, not at all.
That's another thing about Rodrigo's.
He doesn't allow me to be anything but honest.
So I'm not like past relationships, I feel like I'm fulfilling the fantasy of someone's boyfriend.
Fulfilling their fantasy?
Yeah, like what's the best version of a boyfriend I can be for them?
And Rodrigo's very much like, just say what you're thinking and what you're doing and how you're feeling.
That's that people pleaser thing that a lot of comics have.
Yeah.
So instead of, yeah, that's, yeah, that's satisfying yourself, you're like, how can I make this person feel good?
Right.
But now I'm having fun.
Now I'm like, oh, he's a friend.
Like, I didn't know you could be friends with the person you love.
Yeah.
Did you realize that?
Bro, that's the whole thing of being gay.
Gay, yeah, that's what we're jealous of it.
You get to have every single thing in common.
Is he good afford it?
Yeah.
No.
And he's like, I want to learn.
I was like, it's such a high learning curve.
He's like, no, why?
I just want to learn.
I'm like, I can't.
Oh, you got a girlfriend.
You don't got a boyfriend.
You got a woman in your life.
Let me play.
It'd be like that, bro.
Just give him the control.
Just turn it on.
You're doing so good.
You're doing that style.
You're doing great.
You won.
But no, it's, I mean, if my friend Nick can play, then, you know, then Rodriguez can play.
Yo, Nick is so funny, bro.
Nick, you gotta.
I did meet Nick at the cellar that one time.
He was like, I don't know who that man is.
I was like, that's Andrew Schultz.
He's one of the most famous comics in the world.
If that man was alone in a room and they said, where's Andrew?
I'd say, I don't know.
Like, ah, you live in this world.
He doesn't know anything.
And you're making his voice up.
And then I met him.
And I was like, no, that's how I joke.
That's what I was joking.
So Donnie was blown away.
He's like, he's like, I can't fucking believe Andrew Schultz came to you and you stared at him like he was a stranger.
And he's like, Donnie's freaking out that you put by the table.
What's so great about that?
It's like he's so unimpressed by everything.
There's this great, you guys would do these vlogs, and I hope you continue to do this because they're great.
And one of them, you went on a haunted house tour.
This shit kills me every single time.
All right.
So they're on a haunted house tour.
Nick is not afraid of nothing.
He's like, what are we doing here?
This is goofy.
And then all of a sudden, a guy pops out of nowhere, gets like this close to his face and just goes, ah, and Nick goes, your breath.
That was what Chris filmed that.
He was horrified.
Nick was screaming, and I was having the best time of my life because Nick had like he lost his voice.
He was screaming so loud at everybody.
At one point, he said to this girl, he was like, you again, we saw you already.
It's like, keeps walking.
He was dressed like Woody and Buzz.
It was so funny.
His bit of the special is hilarious.
Like you doing him.
Oh, yeah.
I do like 10 minutes on Nick.
I'm like, Nick, I was like, did anyone like hit you up?
I did 10 minutes on you.
I mean, maybe.
We got to 10,000 followers on Instagram.
He goes, I'm at 10,000 followers.
Delete my number.
You're such a monster.
Does he have any aspirations to be in entertainment?
Not really.
I mean, he just sells real estate and wears women's blouses and kind of just has an attitude.
But then he fell into a very famous group of gay people, me and Bob the Drag Queen, and Monet Exchange.
And now he's my burden.
But we do have a good dynamic.
Like we did our first video of going to the Olive Garden together, and it could not have gone better.
Like the waiter recognized me, got nervous, dropped all the plates in front of us.
Nick is screaming.
It's like, oh my God, we're at war.
This is a war.
It was so funny.
Do you think gay dudes get to be more sassy and we're okay with it?
Or rude?
Like, do we give them a little bit more?
And why?
Because it is entertaining.
Oh, it's funny.
Yeah, if you can have an attitude as long as you're funny about it.
So when you're being rude, as long as there's like jokes.
Yeah, Because Nick even said to the waiter, he was like, can I take your plate?
And it goes, you can just throw it on the floor.
I'm like, that's, if a straight person said that, it would be so like.
It's kind of a New York thing too, a little bit.
Like, they say New Yorkers are rude all the time, but we're kind of funny about it.
So we get away with it.
That's an interesting way of looking at it.
But I wonder if it like starts to become like an archetype where we like almost expect it.
But Nick's been like that since he was five.
Really?
You're in a town of 600 people and just has not changed his personality at all.
He talks to his mother that way.
It's hysterical.
Wow.
One day I'll bring him on this show and he'll tell you his hemorrhoid surgery story because it is.
Oh, he got the surgery.
He had to.
He had a hemorrhoid so big that he said his doctor gasped.
No.
And he had to get surgery and he's definitely afraid of needles.
And he's like, they're like, okay, we're going to put the anesthetic needle in you.
He goes, no, that's fine.
I'm hydrated.
They're like, I don't think you understand how this works.
And then the needle wouldn't go in because he was so tight.
So they had to strap him on the table and put him upside down.
And then after the surgery, he went straight to work and he was selling real estate and started shitting his pants.
And like, yes, it's all true.
What?
The needle wouldn't go in because he's so tight.
So tight.
He was so stretched out.
He doesn't look like Hulk.
He doesn't look like a Hulk.
Announcements.
As you already know, we are coming to London, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester.
If there are any tickets left for those cities, you can get them at theandraschults.com.
Thank you guys so much for your support.
I cannot wait to bring the life tour to you.
It will be epic.
I promise.
Happy 4th of July, guys.
And you know what I found out on this Independence Day?
Some ticket resellers are reselling tickets to my special taping for 5x, what you should be paying.
I can't let that happen.
We got to free ourselves from the tyranny of those heartless, money-hungry, price-gouging monsters on this Independence Day.
So my hat fell off.
What are you going to do?
I still look American as fuck.
What I'm going to do is find a way to release as many tickets as possible.
We're going to find the smallest, best equipment we can find.
We're getting rid of any unnecessary bullshit we don't need.
We're going to open up more seats.
Buy your tickets right now at akashing.com.
Free yourselves from the tyranny of these price-gouging fucks.
Get them at akashing.com.
I don't know if people realize, like, the last time you were on, you were very well known, but now it's like a different level of like notoriety across the world, but specifically within your community.
Do you like how are people?
Yeah, Italians.
Literally, my third largest following on Instagram is Italy.
Are people suffering?
Are people interacting with you differently?
And is it uncomfortable when people come out to you on the street like Mateo, Mateo?
Look at this Barbara Walters question.
So, well, yes.
No, it's been, yeah.
Oh, that's what I was going to say.
Like to your question, is I went out on New Year's to a gay bar.
Uh, it's like a like a dance party or whatever, and I could not walk.
Oh, really?
I was stopped every two, it was like, I was really like, kind of like, whoa, because I'm so used to just seller airplane show Fortnite.
Yeah, and then all of a sudden, I went out to a gay bar and you're not existing in life so much.
But you know what was really nice was that everyone said so many nice things, like thank you so much, and thank you, like a lot of thank yous.
We're all high, but I mean, it was still nice, you know what I mean?
So, that was like the first eye-opener of like because I don't know, I guess it hasn't sunk in yet.
You do a show for 4,000 people in your head, you're like, Did this joke work?
Am I getting the right response?
Like, we're just not reacting to what's happening in your career.
I don't know if myself, I don't, I can't quite like I when I get a standing ovation, I almost run off the stage.
I don't quite know how to accept that.
Yeah, why is that?
I don't know.
I was talking to my therapist about this the other day.
Like, I walk out and they keep cheering, and I literally say, I'm like, I haven't done anything yet.
Like, it's this kind of it's it's almost the same energy of I don't celebrate my birthday because I'm Jehovah's Witness.
No, because it's like, I don't, I don't want that kind of attention on myself.
Like, I want attention when it's for like something I feel I've you want to earn the attention, yeah, forced attention.
I agree with that with the birthday thing, but it gives me anxiety because I feel like it's like forced attention.
Like, you're like, you must celebrate me now because I was born here.
Where for a living, we earn attention, right?
Right.
We come up with a cool idea, a funny joke, and then people react, and you go, Okay, that feels like a fair exchange.
Yeah, there's something about the birthday that's forced.
How do you accept it?
10,000 seats in Toronto.
How are you going to accept when you walk out and everyone's screaming?
I mean, listen, you know, they're right.
No, it is an awesome, it's an awesome feeling, but you I think it's one of those things where it's like they're maybe clapping and excited for what you've done to get them there.
You know, like in the same way that we cheer like the Knicks when they're coming onto the floor.
We need a different example.
Okay, let me get a good one.
Let me get a good one.
Let me get okay.
You know how like Carrie changes her outfit.
There it is.
Mariah changes the outfit.
You know what I mean?
Or when like a new DJ comes on around 2:30 at the boiler room or whatever.
Mitch Farino, everyone.
Great DJ.
Who?
My friend Mitch.
He's a great one.
Yeah, never seen him there.
But this is sick.
So you're like a bona fide, super famous, the famous gay guy on the planet, maybe?
No, I'm just some well-known gay person, which that has a different connotation with the gay community.
But in this sense, I'm well-known for.
But we said this in the beginning.
It was the coolest thing where like it's very rare you see gay dudes coming out and support other gay dude performers.
You see it with female artists.
You see it with singers, Liza Minelli, Lady Gaga Madonna, but it's rare that you see them coming out for dudes.
It feels nice.
It feels like it's a nice celebration.
Bro, I don't know if this is your effect, but I've seen way more gay guys coming out to comedy shows.
Really?
Yeah.
Maybe they think you're going to be able to do it.
I invite them.
I invite them when I'm in fucking else kitchen nuts.
When you're in the boiler room, you're like, come check me out in the cellar tomorrow.
I really wonder if it's the effect of social media and just seeing a little bit more representation and then going, ooh, this is kind of fun.
I'm enjoying watching comedy.
Yeah, let's go check out a comedy show.
But like very regularly, three, four gay dudes coming out when I was coming up, when you were coming up, I did not see that.
Gay dudes were coming out.
Maybe if there was like a gay person on the bill.
Right.
Or Margaret Cho.
She's not.
No, if she's there, gays will show up.
But is she gay?
I think she's like pan, or I think she's sort of like, I don't think she has a quite specified sexual orientation.
I really do.
I think she's Pan, but I don't know.
What is that?
Pan.
Pan.
Just you're having a good time.
Just a good time.
That's a very diplomatic way of answering that.
Yeah, yeah.
I like Pan.
Yeah, it sounds like gay cats.
Fucking panel.
I don't know if people say pan anymore or they just say sexually fluid or fluid.
You know?
Yeah.
There's a lot of sort of, I don't know.
Yeah.
No, but I hope I hope that.
But I can't think of like, I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm just like old school gay.
You know what I'm saying?
10 years ago was interesting.
Now it's like, get out of here.
You guys are the most boring of the alphabet.
We are.
Women, lesbians are almost forgotten.
Yeah.
I feel like gay dudes still got a little mystique, but the lesbians are like, I think they're straight now.
I think we brought on lesbians.
I think lesbians are us.
I think they're just raising all the children and adopting all the cats.
I thought that was Jamaican women.
That's if you live in the Upper East side.
That's a good point.
People are wild in the Upper East side.
I used to live there for four years.
Where are you living now?
I live in the village.
I live really close to here, actually.
Oh, nice.
Really?
I love it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Rodrigo moving in soon.
I hope so.
Wait, why didn't you like the Upper East side?
It was stuffy and bad restaurants and felt chaotic and everything shut down at 6 p.m.
It just didn't have the vibe of like the village, like New York, like I'm going out.
Yeah, there's no energy.
Yeah, it's safe.
Like it's safe, but there's no energy.
No, no, no, no.
Yeah, maybe not safe for you.
Is that a thing still?
Do you worry about that?
Outside of the...
I get all my gay questions out with you.
You're on the road?
No, for real.
You're on the road.
And like, you're probably seeing the week before some news report where it's like, church, boycotts, you know, Whole Foods for selling gay candy or whatever.
Good.
Less assholes in Whole Foods.
It's like anyone who's like, you're not going to go to...
Anyone who says they're going to heaven, I'm like, well, send me to hell.
I would rather way more interesting people than sitting in heaven with you.
Depending on the rules, I wonder.
Let me think about that.
Heaven and hell.
More interesting people in hell.
Right.
Yeah, probably.
More interesting people.
Yes.
You can get a tan.
No, heaven's going to have sun, dude.
Heaven vs Hell Choices00:02:20
I don't know.
It sounds boring.
What if heaven's Italy, bro?
No.
Well, Italy.
I'm going in four hours.
I know.
What if heaven's Italy?
We need to go to Italy together, by the way.
We've been trying to plan this forever.
When are you going back?
You're going to back.
Yeah, the beginning of July.
We're going to pop in real quick.
If you come earlier, I'll be there.
We're going to go to Turkey.
Why don't you come to Turkey?
To get my hair done.
It's done.
Yeah.
To flex on all the new people.
This is a Manhattan hairline.
Isn't it?
That's your generic IKEA forehead.
This is a real bona fide Manhattan hairline.
Yeah, how did you not have to shave it?
I thought that was the whole thing.
So when you pay more, you don't.
You know, by the way, I spent all my money on my hair, my face, and the gym.
That's it.
I love it.
Don't spend on anything else.
I live in a one-bedroom.
I love new money so much.
It's funny like what I spend it on.
It's like, well, hair.
But I wanted hair for so long.
You know what I mean?
So I don't know.
It was nice to, like, the consultation was great.
I opened my special.
I do 15 minutes on the consultation, the hair surgery, losing your hair, what it was like afterwards.
Nick was my emergency contact with a terrible emergency contact.
I said it was out of the way.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Obviously it was there to pick me up because he's the only man in the office with a purse and hair.
So, but yeah, it was crazy.
I mean, I just, I didn't want to go to Turkey, you know, because it's too far.
And then what's the difference?
Turkey's like, what, four, six grand or something like that for the hair?
It's cheaper, but it's.
Here it's expensive.
Here it's talking about like what, 30, 20,000.
Maybe something ugly?
At home.
Because you leave looking like the alien from Mars attacks.
So I didn't want to go through customs and they're like, what did you bring back?
I wanted to be ugly at home.
I got my advice special two weeks after the surgery.
Like, you heal quick.
Oh, wow.
Really?
Yeah.
I think you'll have to shave the side of your heads and then they...
I can show you the picture.
Should I put it up?
What?
What are you saying?
I'm already doing it.
He says, I look like you.
What?
Can I have nothing?
You have a great hairline.
Thank you, bro.
It's thick.
Scotland.
Yeah.
And 15 years.
Hey, fellas, are you losing your hair?
Bad Habits to Quit00:02:56
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Now let's get back to the show.
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Nothing.
Good for me.
Now let's get back to the show.
So you get this, you get this gorgeous fucking hairline because you spend all this money.
Plastic Surgery Secrets00:05:42
It takes four months for it to start growing him.
That's what I'm thinking.
Doesn't it grow in, fall out, and then the new shit?
So they do the hair.
Here, I'll show you.
And I don't care showing this photo.
I mean, it's actually, it's kind of scary.
Mark is all up in your pictures now.
You see some fucking Diego meat or Rodrigo meat.
All right, this is me right after my surgery.
So that's you?
So the long, I know, I look like the alien from Mars attack.
The long hair, I'll send this to you guys if you want to put it up.
The long hair is why now.
I've seen this POV so much in my life at the boiler room.
Get away from me.
But the five o'clock shadow is like what they added.
You see what I'm saying?
Ah, wait, you're saying bringing it down.
So they brought my hairline down, they filled it out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then it falls out in two weeks.
So all the hair they put in, it just takes 10 days for it to latch onto your bloodstream.
And then that's what helps it grow.
So after 10 days, wash it, rip them out, whatever.
You can't change it.
It's going to grow.
And then it's four months, your hair just goes back to the way it was.
And then in November, late November, I was like, I washed my hair and I pulled my hairline back and it was like, cha-cha-cha-cha.
Like I could see like hair coming in.
And then each week it got thicker and thicker and thicker.
And then it was so fun to go to my barber and be like, let's do something different.
Yeah.
And he's like, those grits.
You know, he's Russian.
But yeah.
And so I think now I'm full, it's fully in.
And do you ever have to do another one?
Are you on any of the pills to make sure?
Minoxidil.
Minoxido.
Yeah.
Just topical?
Yeah.
But I might go back and fill in just a little bit on my crown because it's a little thinny-ish, but it's not that.
I mean, you can't really notice it.
Are there bald people in your family?
No, I'm the only one who's only one.
You got to have a joke about this.
I do.
The doctor said, you know, who's bald?
I said, no, my brother, my dad.
He goes, what about your mom's dad?
I said, my mom's dad is a Mexican with a one-inch forehead.
Somehow that starts there.
It's like, you know, so I, yeah, I mean, all my cousins, 34 first cousins, no balding.
My dad's side, no balding.
My mom's side, no balling.
All Mexicans with huge heads of hair.
And then me losing my hair.
Dude.
But I can sing.
Talk about the skincare.
What about the film?
Okay, so breakdown.
So you got, you said you got filler.
I sound like a mom.
I sound like Joan Rivers.
This is good.
This is what happens.
Yeah.
I'm going to start getting real Barbara Walter's questions.
So you got surgery.
Tell us why you were ugly before.
She's obsessed with people's beauty.
And I've talked about this before, but she literally said to Celine Dion, she's like, Celine, when you were younger, you were not beautiful.
You had vampire teeth and the kids called you vampire girl.
It's like, what do you want Celine to say?
Like, I'm so sorry.
I should have been better looking for you.
Like, what do you want her to say?
Dude, have you seen Barbara Walter's best moments?
Bro, she might be the greatest interviewer of all time.
I've only seen the Sean Constance.
Oh, my God.
She's like, I'll hit a woman.
Sometimes you got to slap them.
Bro, he says a joke at the end of it and then breaks her.
It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
I didn't keep watching the interview, but he says a joke after the whole slapping thing.
And then she kind of laughs and she goes, anyway, so making men in black, like she just goes back to the interview.
Yeah.
She's like, I lost.
Yeah, you got me.
She's, yeah.
A lot of pioneering, but maybe not the best question.
Like, if it was a, if Michelle Pfeiffer, it was just like, you're gorgeous.
Tell us.
Do you wake up and feel gorgeous?
Tell me.
And then Barbara Streisand, she's like, so you look this way.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like, what?
So your nose.
Explain it.
I love Barbara Streisand because Barbara Walter said to her in a 1993 interview, she's like, you spoke at Harvard about gay rights.
Do you regret doing that?
And Barbara's like, no.
Why would I regret it?
Have you been to a show?
Her son's gay too.
You know, the whole thing.
But yeah, I did.
I just, I, I mean, I get Botox.
Okay, okay.
So tox, filler, what's the deal?
It doesn't look like you have work done.
No, you get very little done.
That's the trick.
Okay.
Just small stuff.
I just, I don't want to look like a person.
What is a person?
What is that?
Philly's like, we want the chips.
Here's the thing.
We're not saying this from critical angle.
We're saying, how do we get it?
Yeah, I can give you a number.
But tell me what you do.
I went to a plastic surgeon.
Well, you should go to a really good plastic surgeon for a filler, right?
Botox you can get done by like filler.
I don't even know.
It's like a chemical that they put in.
I know that the girls do with their lips, but I don't know what the actual thing is.
Like, why does it create structure in your face?
I don't know.
Does it is it like Botox where it like freezes your face?
No, it just you're adding volume.
So they added it onto my cheeks, under my eyes, and then you lose volume as you get older.
So it looks like it's sinking, but you're just losing the stuff underneath.
Yeah.
And once they did it, you can see immediately.
Like, I was like, wow, I look like immediately better.
Do you see how people can get addicted to this?
Oh, yeah.
It's like a tattoo.
But if you get like a good plastic surgeon, like I did that, she's like, okay, we'll see you in a year.
And they'll tell you not to come in.
They'll pump the brakes on your.
Like the girl who does my Botox, once she was like, I was like, can you do filler on my nose?
She goes, no, you should get that done by a plastic surgeon.
You get filler on your nose.
Just to like, you know, it was like going down and I wanted it just to look a little straighter.
Just fighting gravity.
Really?
I'm just being honest.
No, I'm just trying to.
Mine is going out.
I feel like it's growing.
Oh, you want to do a transplant?
It's growing.
Yeah, you want to just give him something?
Yeah, if you need nose, bro.
Come to me, dude.
I think you have a nice nose.
Idol Worship Addiction00:16:17
It's been, it's pronounced.
Do you think you have a big nose?
I really don't think that's good.
You do think I have a big nose.
Yeah.
I've broken it a bunch.
Like, I've got weird dents in it.
Really?
Yeah.
From what?
Oh, everything.
Basketball, fighting.
Elbows.
Boiler room.
Yeah, boiler room.
Boiler room was one of the most difficult ones.
Yeah.
But I ran into a chair.
Like, I've just broken it a lot.
You ran into a chair?
Yeah, I got punched in it.
There's just a lot of broken things.
I've never broken a bone.
What?
I broke a toe once.
That was it.
How?
I walked into my bed.
Fortnite.
Yeah, bro.
Fortnite.
You got to break a bone, dude.
No, I don't want to break a bone.
You got to get out there, like, start skydiving or something.
Skydiving.
Yeah, do you have any like risk?
Are you like risk averse in that way?
I feel like being a comic is pretty.
Yeah, I guess it's kind of risky.
I feel like we've already done that.
We're so used to what we do, but it's like, in reality, we look, we're crazy people.
Yo, dude.
I don't, the joke is probably in your new special or it's part of your new stuff, but the one that we were talking about the other day that's so fucking funny.
The one with the oh, yeah, that's my if you're doing it now, I'm doing it now.
I'm doing that shit.
And it's true.
But there's a whatever.
When that comes out, we'll have another conversation about it, about what I told you.
It's like, you still got to tell people.
And I did, by the way, that night, I was like, okay, my friend Andrew Schultz.
And then they all clap.
I'm like, he told me I should let you know this.
And then they were all laughing.
Okay.
Off camera, we'll tell you guys what it is.
Yeah.
It's a funny joke.
I love that you love that joke.
It's just so funny how like it's very clever, but also you just leaving them on the cliff and then going back into other things and everybody in the audience wondering, you know, I got to tell them so they're not wondering.
And then we'll cut it out of the episode.
Okay, you, you tell them.
Basically, I was.
Can I say, though, it's interesting writing new jokes because in my head, I'm like, okay, I'm piecing together all these things.
And one of them is like about an escort and one of them is about HIV and one of them is about this.
And, you know, I go in front of the seller and it's always kind of a mixed response.
And I'm like, I wonder, like, because I know they're funny.
Like, I know they're working, but I do feel not knowing how to respond to stuff like that.
And it's something that's really interesting because who you are to strangers is very different to who you are to your audience.
Right.
And I think that it's great to work out the jokes initially in front of strangers and they have to crush in front of strangers.
Yes.
Because that's how you know the jokes are great.
But there is a transition period to making it the most honest and authentic to your audience.
Because you don't have to explain yourself to your audience.
You do have to explain yourself to them, to the strangers that are at the seller.
And I'm sure they're going to be less and less strangers as you continue to grow, right?
Like there are more people in the audience are familiar with you.
I noticed by claps now.
Exactly.
I'm like, oh, I think people.
But it is an interesting thing that we have to do is acting like they don't know you or performing as if they don't really know you is inauthentic to your audience.
Yeah.
So the act has to transition a little.
It doesn't mean you have to only do inside jokes with your audience.
You should work them out for the strangers, but you're 100% right.
Like if it doesn't exactly work for those people, they don't know everything about you.
And that joke might crush in front of your crowd because they're familiar with your history.
But I'm like you, I want it to work out for your audience before I'm officially dedicated to these jokes.
Are there jokes or tags you only do at your show?
Yes.
Sometimes, yeah.
I mean, there's certain vocabulary which straight people just are not going to get.
Right.
Or like even areas, like saying like a joke I have about Oprah.
Like I met Oprah in Rome.
And you literally met her?
Yeah.
I was at a restaurant with my friend Daniela Gatano, great comedian.
And she walked by and he was like, he's freaking out.
He's like, I turn around.
It's just Gail.
Michelle Obama.
I'm like, that's the shell.
Anyways, I saw Oprah and I made eye contact and I was like, what can I say to her that encapsulates everything that I am?
And then I'm thinking, I'm a gay American and she looks great.
So she walks by, take off my glasses, we make eye contact, and I go, you better work.
And she laughed and she goes, you better work.
Now, when I say that, the seller, a lot of women laugh because they're familiar with RuPaul's drag race.
They understand that.
When I say that in my audience, it's like, boom, I gave birth.
Like, they're screaming.
So it's that kind of stuff where I'm like, I do know this joke works, but I have to understand that like there are just some things that will not work as hard at the seller.
Now, my joke about the gym, I have like a 15-minute bit about the gym.
That works because I'm talking about the perspective of a gay guy working out at a gym with straight people.
And so all the straight people are now like kind of like, oh, like gay people watch it because they're like, yes, I agree.
Oh my God, I feel this too.
And straight people watch it going, I never thought about it like that.
So there's a different response, but same, you know, energy.
Yeah, yeah.
What's some of the gay lingo that women are going to steal and act like it's theirs in two years?
Yeah, yeah.
Any prepositions, verbs, anything like this?
I don't know.
I mean, I didn't even understand.
Like, everyone's like, you're at a hard launch with your boyfriend.
Is that like TikTok?
Oh, yeah, hard launch.
That's the thing.
I'm like, hard launch.
What?
I'm not like in Florida, like N10, nine.
Like, put a picture of me and my boyfriend on.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
As opposed to the soft launch, you know, the soft launch.
No, what's the soft launch?
This is like holding a hand or something.
Yeah, like you post in your story, like the meal, and then there's someone in the picture.
That's not fucking gay.
Why wouldn't I?
Here's the meal.
People take themselves that seriously.
Yeah, it's a soft launch.
So gross.
Where does it giving come from?
I think it's either drag culture, black women, something in that, those realms.
It's giving.
It's giving.
A lot of drag culture and gay culture takes from black, well, black, queer, drag, trans culture from Harlem all the way back to the 80s.
So it's like, there's a lot of like shade and reading and all that stuff.
It comes from there.
Read it?
Yeah.
Like when they read to the kids.
Which you can't do in Tennessee anymore.
By the way, no drag queen.
I guarantee you the percentage of drag queens that get in drag to read to children is probably negative 5%.
Like, no, most of the, like, I fucking hate, fucking hate grow up, Tennessee.
You got to judge those drag queens a little bit, being like, what are you doing?
You got to read for kids.
They can't even tip.
That might be a Bob the Drag Queen joke.
I have no idea.
If not, that's Bob.
That's lovely.
I wanted Bob to come on your show.
I want him on.
He is, you know what he's doing?
It's a he.
We do he, right?
Yeah.
You got to get it right.
Okay.
He's in Long Island rehearsing with Madonna.
He's going on her world.
Oh, no, you told me this.
That's fucking crazy.
But he's in Madonna's show.
That's crazy.
And you had him open for you here at the beacon, right?
Yeah.
I was.
Unbelievable.
And they knew who he was, the crowd.
Are you kidding?
Okay.
They were losing their minds.
Yeah.
Every show, New York shows and LA shows.
I had friends of mine I knew the audience would know, but I didn't announce anything.
Oh, so surprised.
Right.
So Nick walked out first.
I said, Nick, you can do two minutes.
And so Nick's like, fine.
So he walked down.
He's like, I'm sorry, everyone bought tickets.
This is your chance to leave.
But they even knew Nick.
They all clapped for Nick.
And then Bob walked out.
And they said Bob the Drag Queen.
I mean, the audience lost their minds.
They're like, oh my God, we're seeing Bob the Drag Queen here.
It was so great.
LA, I had Nicole Byer, Joel.
Lovester, River Butcher at Sydney, Washington, Ms. Coco Peru.
But Joel, we were backstage and Joel looked at me.
Joel Cabuster is such an accomplished, funny fucking comic, writes movies.
He's in movies.
He's a star.
He goes, I think I'm a little nervous.
I go, why?
Wow.
I was like, and what happened?
Joel walks out.
They're losing their minds.
And he murders.
Nicole Bayer couldn't even talk for five minutes because the gays wouldn't stop clapping.
Really?
Yeah.
And why have the gays, why do they love Nicole so much?
She's a drag queen.
There's no other way to describe Nicole.
I've never, every time I talk to Nicole, I have to remind myself she's not a gay man.
It's shocking.
You have to be like, oh, that's right.
Nicole's not a gay man.
But she is.
We love you, Nicole.
Bro, that is so funny.
She's a gay man.
That is so.
Her house is so like shocking color, like gorgeous.
Like she's got wigs.
She knows she gets, she's hanging out with Trixie Mattel.
Like she's just like, yeah, Nicole gets it.
Have there been people that have come to the show?
Like now that it's like big theaters, like your manager comes up and is like, hey, this person's here.
They want to meet you.
No, I've not had Bill Gates come to my show.
But I'm sure there's people in your DM.
Maybe like a couple OnlyFans guys.
I'm like, oh, we bring him back.
But no, no, I'm not really.
Are the gays killing it on OnlyFans?
Oh my God, yeah.
OnlyFans is great on for gay.
Do you buy some?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How many are you subscribed to?
I think six.
You're paying how much a month?
It's like, you know, 49 cents or something.
I don't even know.
Like only in Mexico.
Like this guy has a few shirts.
What's dick trading at on OnlyFans?
It seems like it's lower.
Yeah.
No, there's a couple guys I follow in OnlyFans.
Really?
Yeah.
Why?
Why is that weird?
It's not weird at all.
I was just wondering because, I mean, it feels like at least the stereotype within the gay community is like you can get laid pretty easily.
I'll be honest with you, I'm not.
Yes, you want to support the artists.
I do.
I'm a supporter of the arts.
I want a chair dedicated in my name at a theater, but it says OnlyFans supporter Mattea Lane.
I support sex workers, everyone.
Yeah, I'm not that kind of, I think I'm more, I will hook up with someone if I have a really good connection with them.
I'm all about like safety.
I feel trauma.
So, you know, I prefer a few people.
This is before I was dating Rodrigo and people that I trust and know that I could have a conversation with or that I, if something should happen, you could say something to them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We were talking yesterday about just the rise in popularity of sex work and like the normalcy of it.
Like the, what is it called?
I think the new show, The Idol.
Is that like American Idol?
No, no, it's on HBO.
American Idol contestants who've only opened an OnlyFans.
Way better show.
But even Euphoria, there was a girl who did porn and then she was on there.
And now you have a girl who is in OnlyFans who's on The Idol.
And I wonder if when we were younger, women especially were like, I can't be a stripper.
I can't do porn because then I won't be able to be a famous singer or a famous actor or something like that.
There was this like hard line that you couldn't cross.
And now it feels like you can.
And I wonder if young people, I wonder if young people, we're having this discussion yesterday.
I wonder if young people just feel no concern whatsoever about having an OnlyFans now because they're seeing people rise to the top of the industry.
Well, I think, one, if you really want to do OnlyFans, like my friends who do OnlyFans, it's really hard work.
It's no pun intended.
But it is.
It's not like I'm just going to get naked and get money.
It's like setting up collaborations and videos and editing.
It's literally what we do, but with sex and trying to keep that momentum going because a lot of people will pay for a month of OnlyFans.
And then if it's like four videos and like a few of them.
They saw it and then you moved out.
So how do you keep that going?
So I have friends who do OnlyFans and they work really hard at it.
It's lots of times editing, lots of times going back, responding to every single message.
It's lots of time, you know, they make private videos for people.
People responding.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Usually an agency will just have like...
What agency is that?
Oh, this is how a lot of the girls do it.
Yeah.
Well, that's straight.
I don't understand that world.
Okay.
Yeah.
Men got to work for it.
Men work for it.
So it's hard work.
So I think, yeah, you can make a quick cash grab if you're hot and you wanted to like, I don't know, if I wanted to do OnlyFans for a month and just cook pasta naked, I would make a lot of money.
Really thinking about it.
So Andrew, if you want to support me, thank you.
But we should.
We should better work.
We shouldn't have, bro.
You can't walk by like a construction site to say that.
Do you know that as I was walking in, some guy, a UPS guy looked at me and he just goes, muscles.
And I was like, thanks.
Never felt better in my entire life.
What did you say to him?
I just laughed.
I didn't even think about that.
You had it.
He was definitely straight, though.
You sure?
Yeah.
UPS guys have to be straight.
Bro, there's a UPS guy in Soho.
Guarantee he's going to hear about this.
That is, he's like, he's a male model, jacked, okay?
Black dude.
He wears the shortest fucking shorts that he can get from UPS.
He's getting stopped in the street by people non-stop.
And they're like, do you really work for UPS?
Like, I saw like five or six girls do it.
And I think he's like the hot UPS guy in Soho.
I think the Worgon Soho, we saw the firefighters.
They're all like jacked, handsome, and they're all just like, yeah, this is the best station.
I'm like, what?
Oh, do you think they're like casting it a little bit?
They must, right?
Soho?
Like, yeah.
It's like a magic mic audition.
Let's see you go down the pole.
Yeah, fucking gingers go up to Harlem or something.
Italian stallions and stuff.
Don't fight.
Yo.
That's actually a good idea.
Like if you're branding firemen, you kind of have to think about it.
You're going to have all these tourists coming in.
You got to, you know, keep up to the.
Go to an agency, get a UPS guy, be like, hey, you want to deliver packages?
We'll pay you this much.
And he's like, all right.
Fuck it.
It's like OnlyFans, except you're saving people.
But you know what?
Maybe with OnlyFans, you are saving people.
You are.
So you're saving people.
I got that connection.
I don't know if it's a connection so much as a safety.
Hey, dude, they're really sending the messages, bro.
Yeah.
They are.
Do you ever message it?
Because you're not safe on there.
It's not like Mateo Lane.
It's like username 1775, whatever.
you should have it as you it'd be such a compliment to be like dude you really beat that nice today or whatever great stroking bro i don't know you'd be too embarrassed yeah i'd be shy i'm really shy when it comes to talking to guys i don't know how to like i don't have that kind of chutzpah wait so you don't have any game not none whatsoever i keep telling rodrigo i'm like you're like the coolest kid in school like that's who i feel like i'm hanging out with And he's like, mateo.
Like, like, I'll do make funny faces when we take pictures.
It's like, why don't you smile normal?
He's like, you're a handsome man.
And every picture, I'm like this, like, I'm making weird faces.
Oh, that's funny to me that you don't have, because you're such a good talker.
You're such a good conversation.
With comics.
Interesting.
At the comedy seller table, I love it because we're stimulated and we're arguing and we're asking questions.
You know, it's like we can just be totally free to say whatever we want.
But then with men, it's like, how do I look?
It's all about that.
I get really insecure.
Does a compliment mean more when it comes from a straight guy than you?
It means less, let's be honest.
It's just because it's literally.
It's a flip for us.
That's what Alex is going to say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so if a gay guy gives you a compliment, you're...
If a straight guy's like, this is Al fishing for a compliment about his outfit.
Yeah.
You haven't said anything about his outfit.
Well, he looks like he's fishing.
Yeah, he looks like he's fishing.
He looks like he's going to come on.
I can't.
It's like blossom on the head.
He does he doesn't like it.
And then like early 90s, like R ⁇ B with the glasses.
And then I guess you're going to hide in a jungle at lunch.
And then you're also shopping at a mall in 1993 from the waist town.
So, you know, you look great.
You do.
I look like a dad in the 80s who hasn't come out yet.
I do love that despite you getting more money, you dress the exact same.
Red Flags Everywhere00:09:19
Yeah.
It's just Beavis and Butthead shirts.
I don't like nice clothes.
I don't like suits.
I hate wearing suits.
Like Artie Faqua is always in a nice suit.
I'm sure it costs like a million dollars.
And I'm like, get, I do not, even as a kid, I never liked dressing.
I want to just wear like a t-shirt and jeans.
Well, what is the thing you spent money on?
Yeah.
My face and my hair.
Okay, besides that, what is the big purchase?
You must have been like a dumb semi-special, actually.
Really?
Yeah, because I wanted to call it Mateo Lane.
Netflix said no.
I think that was funny.
But Mike Cannon actually said to me, he's like, it's beneath you.
Yeah, don't give them the credit.
But it's so funny.
You want to know why?
Because people, we're so involved in comedy that we like, people just don't get it.
So I put my special up on YouTube.
Like, I paid all this money.
It was such a like the biggest purchase I've ever made in my entire life.
Tell people this is good that they know.
It's not gross to say because you're putting the money up for it to make nothing back.
It's not like it's a bar just sitting there.
Yeah, you're betting on yourself.
It was a lot.
200.
A little less.
How many hair plugs?
2,700 graphs you pay per graph.
Wow.
So, but, you know, then people will comment, Netflix will come soon.
I'm like, no, this, what is the difference?
You're watching the fucking special right now.
So many people say, well, soon Netflix, when is Netflix coming?
Are you going to get Netflix?
Netflix.
And I was like, they said I wasn't right for their channel.
Which is crazy because also every stray dude that doesn't get it is like, yeah, I'm not gay.
That's why I didn't get Netflix.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I'm not the right gay.
Yeah, what kind of gay do you have to be?
I have to have.
They like.
You got to be missing something.
Well, because straight people book gay people like our trauma.
They think that gays can queer people can only communicate through our trauma.
Yeah.
And it's like, yes, that's an important part of like where we come from and like our pain and growing from that.
But it's like to think of just a gay guy doing comedy as just how comedy exists, you know, for a long time, you know, is like, well, where's the trauma?
You know what I mean?
That's why they said we don't think.
They want to hear the story about how your dad hated you and all that kind of stuff.
They don't want to hear the story about like your family supports you.
Want to hear me talk about my hair plugs?
Yeah, they want to hear another thing get plugged.
That's so funny.
I just kind of up that, but I wonder if that's the way it is for most minorities where it's just like there's one idea of who they are.
And then when you break the mold, you're actually more interesting to the public, right?
Because you're standing out.
You're like, oh, this is a story I haven't heard before.
But to the networks who have only created these archetypes for you to satisfy, they're like, I don't know if people will get it.
But you'd think now after seeing like ticket sales and these types of things, listen, you made the right decision.
I just want to let you know.
I agree.
I mean, by the way, Andrew helped me with everything.
I will, I always feel so bad, but I'm like, Andrew, should I do this?
Remember that Amazon deal that they tried giving me a deal?
Yeah.
And then I would the name of my title of my name of my special is like, what do you think of these titles?
So thanks to this.
This is good for her.
Always, always good.
Everything.
No, you killed me.
I thank you on everything.
I thanked you on Tom Segura's, Elvis Duran, Nicole Byers.
I was like, Andrew's helps change my life.
Not true at all.
You did all this.
You just needed a nudge in the right direction.
Oh, well.
But people, people should know that.
They're like, you're the great example of someone because you were editing your own clips and everything in the beginning.
Yeah, I was.
You first fucked.
You were learning.
I mean, you're also proficient at like a lot of.
I'm a good learner and I'm good at doing tax tech savvies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, but I mean, now Chris does everything.
But no, but that's that's the progression.
Like I was doing all mine and then Alex, you know, started doing them.
And then we have Shifty and then even in the beginning, Mark was helping.
Well, Mark helped me too because Mark was like, you need, I mean, I was at a point where I was like, I don't know.
I can't, like, I want to do all these ideas and I can't do it myself.
He's like, you need to hire somebody to come on and like, you know, like share profits of monetization, like make it a business.
And I was like, okay.
I'm like, Chris.
And Chris and I have been a great team.
We started our YouTube channel last May.
We had almost, I think, 3,000 subscribers and we're almost at 800,000 subscribers.
So Chris is great.
Chris, I love Chris.
Chris is like, we have fun making videos.
Chris, you got to film that OnlyFans content.
Poor Chris.
Force him.
Force him to do it.
It is weird because my girl, like, she likes comedy, but I get annoyed when she watches other comedians.
And then I came home the other day and she was just rifling through your TikTok.
I mean, just like non-stop.
And I was like, what does he have that I don't have?
I was annoyed.
I was like, turn this off.
How dare you laugh at another comedian?
Actually, I think I'm okay if they're gay.
Yeah, I'm okay with that.
I think I'm less threatened in that regard, but like finding someone else like funny that also would want to have sex with you.
Because even if she did fall head over heels in love with you, I'd be like, you're not getting it.
There's nothing that can be.
I know.
And the nice thing about Rodrigo is he didn't know what I, you know, he had no clue.
I'm not very popular in Mexico.
Although I was stopped a lot when I went to Mexico City.
Yeah.
Mexico City.
Musos.
Yeah.
Musol.
But he was like, he's like, I know.
He's like, I was not familiar with you.
I'm making him sound more Mexican than he actually does.
His voice is kind of like that.
Like, it's very deep.
Yeah.
But yeah, so that feels nice that it's not like I'm fucking.
Wait, you guys just met online?
Yeah, we started talking in like beginning of March.
I just started following him.
He followed me and then we would chat a little more.
Who DM'd who me?
I'm so desperate.
And then what'd you say?
I DM'd him first.
Yeah, of course.
I was like, what was your black pickup line?
I wanted to do it.
Oh, you went with love.
Okay, okay.
And then he sent one back, and then we're chit-chatting.
And then, dude, let us read it again.
Let us talk together.
Let us read the hard video so far.
I want to see the beginning, bro.
I'll find you.
I could see a shot of you.
But yeah, but then it started turning into like chatting a lot.
Then it was like checking in with each other every morning.
Then it was WhatsApp.
Then it was FaceTime.
And I was like, okay, board page, my assistant.
She's like, I was like, you should come to New York.
He's like, yes, I want to come meet you.
So, you haven't met yet.
No, we've hung out now a bunch of times.
No, no, at this time.
Oh, at this time, no.
This is now end of April.
And so I was like, I was, it was funny because the vibe when I was going to pick him up from the airport, I was like, oh, what am I?
I don't know.
This is a stranger.
I'm letting into my home.
What the fuck is what did you do, Mateo?
The second I met him.
I know this sounds so cheesy, but I literally thought to myself, I'm like, this man's going to be my life for a very long time.
Really?
And Nick likes him.
So that means he's not.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
Nick doesn't like anybody.
Yeah.
I'm actually concerned.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a red flag.
Huge red flag.
I know.
Oh, Nick.
I told Nick to be on standby in case we call him for a story today.
Oh, dude, let's call him.
I also feel like you're making it sound better with Rodrigo.
If you say you have a terrible game, I would love to see what you've actually said.
He thinks I'm funny, which I like.
You know what I mean?
Matthew.
I'm on Andrew Schultz's podcast, Flagrant, and we were talking about you.
And I said, well, I'll just call Nick and see what he's up to.
Did you just call me from an unknown number before?
No.
What unknown number would I have?
I don't know if you let one of them call.
No.
What?
This isn't the radio.
I'm like, I'm just calling you from my phone.
It's basically the radio.
Oh, my God.
Nick, when are you fully going to come out as a comedian and start doing stand-up?
I decided just to give you all a chance because I knew it was going to take the world by storm, I'm sure.
And I don't want to take away from any of your diamond audiences.
Hey, I really appreciate that, Nick.
Thank you, man.
Because we were concerned over here.
We were nervous.
Of course, I mean, your audience clearly will be the same audience as mine.
Nick, we're leaving.
We're going.
Okay.
You told me.
I don't blame you.
Bye, Nick.
We all make fun of his voice too.
We're like, your voice sucks.
You sound like Squidward.
And then he's like, I'll have you now.
A woman told me that my voice was lovely.
You know what's crazy about Nick is that he, okay, I'm going to show you a clip.
Nick is a trained professional opera singer, and his singing voice has nothing to do with his speaking voice.
So this is literally, Nick is going to kill me that I'm showing this.
This is a random connection between the two of you, or that's how you know him.
No, I know him through Bob.
So Bob the Drag Queen.
But where the fuck is Nick Smith opera?
Well, I don't know.
I'll find it at another time.
But it's.
So one of the voices he's making up.
No, that's his natural voice.
Oh, here it is.
Okay.
But this is how he sounds singing.
So it's a choice.
His voice is a choice.
Yes.
But if he's just saying it, the listings, I feel like they would sell more.
Right.
If he opened the door and he was like, You yeah, by a mild dude.
Oh, Nick.
I think we're going to do a podcast together.
Really?
Yeah.
But I mean, I can't do an everyday thing.
So we're going to try and do like seasonal, like 12 episodes.
That's smart.
Yeah.
So we're meeting with a bunch of like podcast people right now.
Blue Chew Promo Code00:02:59
That's a good idea.
Is it going to be centered on a topic or is it just you guys?
We want to call it I Never Liked You.
And then we have each week about something that, you know, he likes that I don't like or I like it, he doesn't like.
And then we basically argue about it because our whole YouTube series is that we just sit and argue with each other.
Yeah, it's great.
I love, I mean, I hit you.
I wanted you guys to come to that UFC fight.
Do you guys remember that?
I loved to do that.
And we should really set that up because that would be Nick would be screaming at the top of the show.
That's really fun.
Yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah.
A UFC fight.
Yeah, we have to pull you guys into the random shit that we're doing.
We'll show up.
Mateo's down.
So Nick, Nick's doing nothing.
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Now, let's get back to the show.
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Now let's get back to the show.
The last time I invited Mateo, he was like, immediately.
SeatGeek Ticket Guide00:12:50
Yeah.
Do you remember what I invited you to the last time we talked?
We came here and played video games.
Oh, the one.
No, no, no, the most recent one.
I texted him.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
I'm literally, I get a text.
My phone is buzzing.
And I'm like, it's Mark.
I'm like, what?
He's like, can you come to Paris tomorrow?
What?
Obviously, there was a dropout, but I'm fine.
I'll take the gig.
I don't care.
And he was like, can you come to Paris tomorrow?
We'll put you on a private jet.
You, Stavros, Theo, Andrew, blah, blah, blah.
No dropout, by the way.
No, I think there was.
No dropout.
I think.
I think it was a booking issue.
Okay.
It was, put it this way: there was no dropout.
There were non-confirmations.
Non-confirmations.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes.
But the non-confirmations were quite non-confirmation.
It was never going to be confirmed.
That really was a fever dream.
I can't believe.
I also sound way cooler in the story.
I was like, I put you in a private job.
You did.
I mean, it was, I couldn't even believe it.
The next day, I'm sitting at a private jet having a steak with Theo Vaughn.
I was like, what is going on?
That dude.
Well, you know, it's crazy.
Me and Andrew Centino shared a bed together on the flight and then, you know, Stavi's there.
And then, but I love Andrew and Stavros because they're very down.
Like us three, like we saw Paris and we did all like the sort of like Paris stuff, you know?
And that was my favorite, my favorite Andrew Schultz memory of that is that, first of all, we had some stage director, this French guy, who was absolutely insane.
I'm sure he's in a mental institution now.
This man was unwell on every single level.
He's trying to explain to us what we're doing, but he's explaining to us on stage like, and Zindu Go is light.
And of course, we are all dying of laughter because we're comedians.
We don't give a shit.
And so my other favorite thing, before I get to you, is that comedy and fashion do not mix because backstage, it's Vogue.
It's this, it's Louis Vuitton, it's blah, blah, blah.
It's Kids Super.
Like everyone's running around.
And we're all there in these giant outfits going, should I do the vagina joke?
Like none of us, like we're all, it's so, like, you know what I mean?
They don't make.
So anyhow, we're getting ready for this stage, blah, blah, blah.
And I see Andrew and Andrew, we're backstage.
And Andrew's looking at the TV and I just see him.
And then he starts pacing and then he goes, these lights need to be fixed.
And I go, what?
He goes, Mateo, go out on stage right now, stand in the center stage.
Andrew takes over the production.
And then I'm standing on stage as a stand-in.
And Andrew's up there.
He's like, these lights need to be here enough with these back lights, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he was right.
The show looked so much better.
And I was like, that is Andrew Schultz in a nutshell.
That we're comparisoning the Louis Vuitton fashion show with Kid Super.
And Andrew's like, I got it.
It's not right.
In a full outfit.
He's dressed like a stepdad.
He's just out in the audience.
Like, hey, we got to talk about it.
I was the last fitting, by the way.
I was the very last fitting.
And when I walked in, they were like, we are so excited to dress you.
I go, why?
Like, we're very excited to dress you because they had a picture of me like shirtless and stuff like that.
And then Kid Super goes, because Tyra Banks was hosting the show.
And in front of everyone, he goes, do you know that Tyra Banks invented America's next top model?
And I said, do you think I turned gay yesterday?
They were dying.
That was so fun.
That was so nice.
What a nice.
Did you talk with Tyra at all?
Oh, yeah.
I saw her in the lobby and I just walked by her.
I go, Tyra.
And she like looked up and I was like, we're on the show tomorrow.
See you.
She's like, okay.
And then, well, what a professional.
She showed up on time.
She looked great.
She was nice to everybody.
She memorized all her lines.
Like, she was easy to work with.
She took pictures to everybody.
Then afterwards, she came up to us in the hotel lobby and she was like, my God, I just went to a five guys and they had the best milkshakes.
And we're like, is Tyra Banks talking to me about milkshakes right now?
This is a fever dream.
Yeah, that was fire, man.
Shout out to Kids Super.
Oh, what a fun time.
I was so excited.
And then one girl, my gym, this like, I think she's Russian.
She like a couple weeks ago, she's like, can I ask you a question?
I go, sure.
She goes, I recognize you.
And I think she's going to say comedy go, oh, okay.
She goes, were you in Kids Super fashion show?
I go, I was in a Kids Super fashion.
Do you remember what bits you did for it?
I did my French pastry bit.
Oh, that's fun.
Because I knew it was being recorded, so I didn't want to do any of my news stuff.
Exactly.
And I was like, oh, I'll just, I sang, and then some rapper clapped for me in the front row.
Oh, Kodak.
Yeah, Kodak Black was there.
That's right.
Give me a standing ovation.
And he got up and he was going crazy for me.
Kodak loved it.
Because I did my homeo-buppy.
You know, that joke, and he stood up.
And I had no idea who he was.
I was a little bit like Nick in that sense.
Oh, no, Kodak is the man.
And super musical.
I think a lot of people don't give him enough credit for that.
I think musical savant genius.
So it was really cool to see you get up there.
He was like, okay, this is fire.
Yeah, Jimmy.
Just mine and a half French.
You've got to collab, you and Kodak.
Oh, damn.
As a what?
On a song.
On OnlyFans.
Only fans.
Yeah, that would be actually kind of fun.
I would do that.
We got to do some wild shows like that.
That was one of the cool things when, you know, bringing comics together.
For a fashion show of all places.
A little wild, wild, wild time.
Were you excited to meet Tyra?
Like, is that someone you grew up and you were like, oh, this is like giving so much to the gay community and not like as in like a charity thing, like the insane memes she's created and the wild things she did on America's Next Top Model.
Every gay knows by heart, we were rooting for you.
We were all rooting for you.
How dare you?
We have memorized that scene.
Oh, she's just, she just doesn't stop giving when she pretended to have rabies.
Yeah, the rabies.
She like, I think she said fat on the show once.
What do you mean?
Wait, hold on.
What do you mean she potentially did?
She should Google Tyra Banks rabies and she like goes on her show and she's like, I got bit by a dog when I was running today.
And she's like crawling over her auto.
Like she does, she's so uncomfortable.
Oh, you dead serious about it?
I'm dead serious.
Yes, this is it.
Look at that outfit.
Yes.
Oh, no.
No.
Obviously, this other woman's not in on it.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
So that's what she's given to the gay community.
We can't get enough of it.
I don't know.
I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling.
You've never seen her yell on America's Next Hot Model.
I think I've seen the meme that you just said before.
We were rooting for you.
We were rooting for you.
How dare you?
That was crazy.
And that's like the tip of the iceberg with Tyra.
She is just entertaining in every way possible.
But it's the type of entertainment where she doesn't realize that people are laughing at her.
That's called camp.
Wait, is that?
I think that's very camp.
It's like she's taking something very seriously and it's seen with like a really like oh, you think she's in on it?
She's no, that's why it's camp.
I think she thinks she's in on it, but gays are like, you're not in on it.
Yeah, and it's even funnier that she thinks she's in on it.
Yeah, Tyra, pranks.
And you're like, oh boy, you're out of your mind.
You're out of your fucking mind, lady.
What?
She dressed up in a fat suit for about, I think, an hour and a half and then literally was like, I know what it's like.
Like brought herself to tears.
Then she pretended to be homeless and slept under a bridge for 15 minutes and like they shot her like trying to ask for money.
It's so she's just done so much for the gay community.
Why do you guys like it so much?
That's like that just like feeds our soul.
It's fodder.
Yeah.
We're going to get Tyra on the podcast.
Yeah, we might have to let her go.
I'm sure she'd show up.
She'd come.
And I need to be here when she got a barbara walter's hero.
Yeah.
So tell us, why are you crazy?
Yeah, you should have Nick here to sort of interrogate her.
We were at the Louis Vuitton show.
We were supposed to sit next to each other and I guess they overbooked it and it's just benches, right?
And some people were like sitting in her seat and she came over and they would not budge.
I was shocked.
For Tyra Banks?
Dude, I was like, what is going on right now?
And then she ended up kind of like going somewhere further, but I couldn't believe it.
I figured within the fashion community.
Yeah, she's a star.
Yeah.
Is that, or is it something where like the fashion community is obsessed with what is the hottest right now?
And if you're not hot right now, I mean, that's what it means to be in the fashion community.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Actually, Mark Jacobs sent me clothes.
No way.
He was like, hey, my husband, I think you're really funny.
What's your address?
And then sent me clothes.
Wow.
Isn't that crazy?
Do you like the stuff?
Yeah, it was awesome.
Wow.
You're so cute.
It's not a tank top.
No, it's a crop top.
It's even better.
He knows his audience.
He's no fool.
Anybody else reach out that like you really admired and you're stoked that they're into your stuff?
You know, I've become really good friends with Chelsea Handler.
Get out of here.
Yeah.
And I really, that's like, it's so, like, it's crazy to think now.
Me, her, and Nick are all on a text thread together.
But that's so crazy because I fucking, she won't let me compliment her, but I can do it here.
Like, obviously I'm gay.
I watched Chelsea lately.
Like, I was obsessed with her show.
Like, I read all her books.
I think she's hysterical.
And so it's so weird that like, I'll just get like a random text from, like, she just texts me right now.
Have fun in Italy with your boy.
Yeah.
I'm like, what?
Chelsea Handler?
That's crazy.
Is it hard to act normal?
Like, she has she's well, Chelsea's another one.
And it's like, she doesn't allow you to bullshit.
That's the thing.
It's almost on the more famous person to establish the rules of the social relationship.
Like, if they're weird or, you know, they're uncomfortable, they don't call out your bullshit, then you will bullshit.
Yeah.
Because it's so hard to be comfortable around someone that you admire so much or you looked up to or if you built up to be this person then they might not even be.
I've heard this and I always compliment Seinfeld on this.
Like Seinfeld will tell people how to be a human being with him.
Which is so wild.
But you need to because people are terrified to even say, hey, you want to get coffee?
I saw him the other day.
And I was at a get-together somewhere and he walked in.
I was like, I got to go.
Immediately.
Yeah, because I'm too nervous.
Like, that's too crazy.
Wait, did you look up to him growing up?
I love Seinfeld.
I mean, I love Elaine.
And I love Seinfeld.
Yeah.
You got to tell him that.
Somebody talked to him.
Yeah, I love Elaine.
What was it like working with Elaine?
She's great.
No, I like Seinfeld a lot.
Yeah, but I didn't look up to him the same way I looked up to like Kathy Griffin or Joan Rivers.
Because Kathy Griffin, you have to remember the first time I saw a gay man do stand-up.
It was Kathy Griffin.
It was Kathy Griffin.
Actually, it was Nicole Bayer.
No, I was 23 years old.
And I know there were gay men doing stand-up, but it wasn't available to me.
Tentone?
It was Bill Cruz.
Bill Cruz is a local Chicago comic who now lives in Los Angeles.
Really funny comic.
First gay man I ever saw do stand-up comedy.
Never saw it before.
First person I heard speak positively about gay people was Kathy Griffin.
I was 16.
That was the first time I heard anyone say anything nice about gay people, especially in stand-up, which is so homophobic.
So it was wild to like... Joan or anything like that?
I didn't catch, I didn't realize, I didn't watch Joan until later.
Remember, this is like, there's no YouTube.
It's whatever comes on TV.
It's almost like with people who, like myself, I found Eddie before I found Pryor.
And like people who came up on Pryor are like, well, what do you mean?
Like, this is Eddie's a newer iteration of what Pryor started.
And then maybe that's the same thing with like Kathy and Joan.
Yeah.
Very similar.
I mean, Kathy made me love stand-up, and I still think her first three specials are some of the funniest specials ever.
I mean, her stories are fucked.
Anyone would laugh.
You guys would all laugh at her red carpet stories.
Half of it you can't even say anymore, but like really fucking funny.
She just goes for it.
But when I saw Joan, I was 22 or 21, and I remember like pencil down watching, and that's when I realized it was my calling.
I was like, I want to do stand-up.
Like that was the first person who made it aware to me that I wanted to do it was Joan Rivers.
Wow.
I just never saw someone like with that kind of, like she wielded it as such a power.
You know what I mean?
Like I love Pryor.
I love Bill Burr.
I love Ellen.
I love all the, but like Joan had, like, you could tell she was in battle.
And she's 80 in heels running around on stage saying, if you're old, get out.
I hate old people.
I hate ugly people.
If you're a lesbian, leave.
Gay head to the front of the room.
You are ugly.
If you are ugly, just get up and get out.
I'm like, what the fuck am I watching?
Yeah, she was a menace.
Did you ever go to a show?
No, my biggest regret is that I didn't.
I just started stand-up comedy really when she died.
And I remember that was, that was, you know, I don't cry when celebrities die, but I was upset when she died.
I got to see her in Montreal.
Joan Rivers Roasts00:15:53
Really?
Yeah, just for laughs.
She had like a gal or something like that.
And I remember she went up and like the first joke, I'm sure it's a bit that she had done before, but it was like, I couldn't believe it.
Yeah.
She was like, she was like, all right, let's just be honest.
Mexicans are ugly or something like that.
Like Rodrigo.
No, but it was something like, she's like, nobody's ever been to their plastic surgeon.
Make me look like Guadalupe or something like that.
But she was like, it was, listen, it's an edgy joke to do, but to open with it, not give a fuck.
And she knows what she's doing.
She's not actually hateful towards a group of people.
She's like, what would you say?
This is a woman with multiple plastic surgeries who is criticizing herself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What is the edgy thing that I can say in the moment?
Yeah.
Mexicans are hot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Watch the the Weather Channel down there.
There's uh, there's some talent.
There's some talent.
Yeah, how did we get weather men?
No, did we have weather men here first?
Probably yeah yeah, because they really figured out weather.
What do you mean?
Like, if the weather, the weather girls in Mexico like, if you watch on tv, are we talking about?
It's a rain in men like the weather girls yeah, the weather girls.
Yeah, I didn't make that up.
I'm talking about like that's why we speak different languages.
You're literally talking about weathermen and i'm like huh, I said in America we got dudes that are telling you if it's gonna rain today, and in Mexico they have like, these are like naked, they're like, and they're these beautiful chicks in like the short skirt or whatever are you bringing it?
Look at this.
And it's the same temperature every day.
Like I mean that's why like, the better the weather, the hotter the wind yeah, you could have anybody up there.
Like it's nice again.
As soon as there's like a lot of complicated weather patterns, you gotta have like some fucking nerd that studies all the shit.
My favorite, her name is Yanit Yanni.
That's amazing.
That's Italian.
Tv is the exact same.
I mean, what even is it?
That's not real.
There's no way, dude.
It's real dude.
She's dressed like she's going to a cocktail bar at 9 p.m in the Beat Packing District, but it's 7 a.m and she's trying to give the temperature.
It's windy today.
You can tell by my hair.
That's amazing for them, have you?
And uh, I don't know if you want to talk about this part, but have you and Rodrigo done molly together?
Um no, we've not done molly drugs.
No, I don't do drugs.
I've only done molly once.
He told me that, but every blue moon I do.
You're just such a homebody that I was surprised.
You were like yeah, I did molly and you loved it.
I did, I did have a good time.
This is the Brooklyn.
When you were in Brooklyn yes, at yeah yeah yeah, I did have a good time.
You know what it wasn't, even like a sexual thing.
I remember talking to my friend, Daniel Slung Lee, about Ps5 on the dance.
It's not sexual, it's so fun.
I feel like molly is yeah it's, it's it's.
I don't, I don't, I barely drink.
I don't, really.
I'm not interested in drugs.
Yeah, you know, I smoked weed with Rodrigo the other week and then we got way too high and we both woke up the next morning like let's never do that again.
Really yeah, because he was like Mateo, calm down.
And I was like I feel sick, like i'm not good at it, I couldn't even walk.
Oh, so you would never do like psychedelics.
Are you out of your mind?
I'm already a synesthee, like I get seeing color all the time, so i'm like no, I don't want.
Is there advice for you?
Is there anything where you're like addicted to it enough, where you have to set some limitations?
Um, I guess stand-up, I have to limit myself and what I don't really have that no, I don't know, I don't really have that kind of like addictive personality.
No i'm, I do not have an addictive personality, so you're not worried about it.
Like getting caught up in a drug.
There's actually a vice that's coming from the, from the panel.
Okay pasta, really i'm obsessed with.
That was the angriest potato has ever been in me.
What's that?
I was asking about pasta.
I was like, because I was like how did like do you not eat pasta?
Like you're in such good shape?
And I was like, do you ever do like chickpea pasta?
And the look on your face.
You just turned away.
You didn't even say anything, you just you just looked at the wall, do you know?
It's funny.
I'm gonna my friend Danielle, i'm gonna, read his text, because Rodrigo wants to eat chicken on top of pasta in um in Italy, which you're not supposed to do.
Wait, why not?
Absolutely not.
They would never put chicken on top of pasta.
Why is that?
They just don't go together.
You would never do it.
Can you explain that?
Um, they say that no, like it does, that those textures don't marry each other, and so that the chicken has to be eaten separately from the pasta.
So you would never do it.
So I told my friend Daniele that Rodrigo wants to eat chicken.
You gotta talk to the Cheesecake Factory about that.
Yeah, I know right that Louisiana chicken pasta is a pasta.
We should talk to them about a lot of things.
It's a great corporate restaurant Cheesecake Factory.
No i'm, i'm, i'm always excited to go to the Cheesecake factory.
Me is like if avocado egg rolls yes unbelievable, but to me it's like if the TSA decided to make It is.
Everyone in line has some kind of ailment.
There's a lot of oxygen tanks.
Like, it's really expensive.
Like, it is the TSA restaurant.
I need you to go to Cheesecake Factory.
We should go to the next day.
I need to go to Cheesecake Factory.
I need you to do a corporate restaurant.
We should do that.
Should we do that?
Let's go to Cheesecake Factory.
Nick.
Oh, my God.
Because Nick loves, he's obsessed with chain restaurants.
Nick eats like shit.
He eats Chipotle.
He does eat Chipotle five times a week.
He got kicked out of Chipotle a couple months ago.
What?
He thought, well, I got kicked out of Chipotle.
I'm like, why?
Well, I was waiting in line and this person in front of us ordered 50 burritos for a kid's birthday party.
So I got everyone in line to turn against him.
And the manager came up to me and said, Miss, you're going to have to leave.
So he specifically moved to a place in Harlem to be near his favorite Chipotle.
Wow.
That is wild.
He eats like shit.
He's like, I'm dead on the inside.
I mean, he literally, like, he eats pasta with butter and then Chipotle and Dunkin' Donuts every morning.
Have you cooked for him?
Yeah, he does like my pasta.
He doesn't compliment you, but he'll ask me to make it.
That's the compliment.
So that's the compliment with Nick.
Okay, explain something to me about Italians and their connection with food.
Why is it seems so offensive to make suggestions about food that don't work with what they believe is the right way to consume it?
You know, I actually don't have an answer for you.
I think it's they're in that peninsula.
But that's a common thing, right?
Like if you were like, oh, what about pesto and having a Diet Coke?
They'd be like, oh, you can't have a Diet Coke.
I'm trying to understand why it's so ridiculous.
Every other country in Europe has a bordering country to tell them you're acting ridiculous.
But the Italians are in a peninsula and the melon on top.
So nobody's ever said you guys are acting weird.
So we're just a weird group of people who became upset.
Look, we never colonized, I mean, ancient Rome, but whatever.
It's like we never colonized.
I mean, you colonized the world.
Well, with food.
War.
What war?
The Roman Empire.
No, that's what I'm saying.
Besides the Roman war.
Besides 2,000 years ago, we're not like France that's colonized or Spain.
Oh, I got you.
You haven't gone to Africa.
We tried in Ethiopia and they were.
But you did it first and everybody copied you.
What?
You guys did it first and everybody copied you.
That's true.
We did set the standard.
You did.
That's what I always say.
Like, Paris is a knockoff of Rome.
If you go to Rome, it is a knockoff.
The French are so mad at me.
Wait, go, why?
Have you said this before?
No, well, I kind of, yeah.
Good.
People should know.
I said some disparaging.
I love Paris.
I love Paris.
You're going to went to Rome.
And I was like, why do I want this?
Yeah.
Paris is the Cheesecake Factory of City.
Listen, it's nice.
It's nice if you grew up in Hoboken.
It's impressive.
But once you go to Rome, you can't enjoy it.
I know.
It's hard.
It is.
It's hard.
But I think the Italians, you know.
No, you were about to say something.
They're upset at you.
The French are upset at you.
The Parisian.
Oh, I did a video about ordering a cheeseburger in France, and it now is, I think, at 15 million views.
People are all the first of all, as if no one reads the comments.
That's my favorite thing about comments.
Every comment is the exact same.
But in my joke about saying how the French are not accepting of other people no matter how hard you try, in the comments, they are not accepting of you.
Like, they're just so French about it.
That's what my joke was: like, in Italy, like, if you try and speak Italian, they're so nice to you.
Yeah, and the French, it's like, you could, I'm like, I'm sorry I wasn't born here.
Like, what do you want me to do?
Like, go back in time and get born here and grow up here so I can order this croissant without you yelling at me.
Like, it's insane.
Yeah, they do have such a fucking attitude.
They really do.
Although, everyone in France, that kid Paris, their kid super show was great.
I will say this.
The French kick Italians' asses in dessert.
They kick everyone's ass in dessert.
They have the best dessert.
Yes.
And I think it's because they're using butter and the Italians are using oil.
Yeah.
And they really know how to cook with the butter, where you guys aren't really using the butter.
So the sweetness cooks with butter.
Southern Italy.
You're the French part.
That's a little weird.
Maybe you took some ideas from over there up in the mountain.
Kind of strange.
Yeah, no one tells us what to do.
Except for when we make good desserts.
The most popular food in the world is pizza.
So.
Yes.
Where's your fucking pizza?
Yeah, where's your pizza?
And bread.
They kill it in bread.
They kill it.
And bread and dessert.
And they're going to kill it with fashion, cars, opera, food, you know, pretty much everything.
Listen, we're not competing.
We're not competing.
Well, no, no, because there's no competition.
We're not competing.
We're just pointing some things out.
But we have to give credit where credit.
But come to see me in Paris in October.
Throwing banks.
I know.
I'm like Trump and like the important cover with the paper towels.
Puerto Rico.
Oh, he's so insane.
Puerto Rico.
But what did he do that made you bust out laughing, though?
Be honest.
What?
Trump.
Oh, you know what?
Well, I will say, I will defend Trump on.
I was trying to make this a joke, but it's too late now with my, because the special's already out, but I wanted to be like, he's an asshole and I hate him.
But leave him alone on the hair.
That's not how it works.
I do sympathize.
Because there was a moment where you would trumping it up a little before.
Bro, I was desperate.
Yeah.
I had a sculpture on my head that Michelangelo would blush at.
I couldn't believe it was getting so much harder to try and cover it up.
And now I have a lot of hair.
Yeah.
A beret would have been nice, you know?
Maybe.
The Italians don't really have hats down.
Yeah, no.
The hat game is atrocious.
Because they don't go bald like the French problem.
So he's Mexican.
Yeah, I know.
But I bet, do you want me to seriously answer a question about that?
I do think Italians, like, I don't know why, but I do know like they have really specific rules about like this kind of pasta should be made with this kind of sauce and you should, you know what it is?
They really care about their food in the sense that like you go to any other country and it's like you're just eating food and they don't know where it comes from.
They don't think there's a religiosity with the food.
Yeah, the Italians are like, well, this milk is from this cow.
Yep.
I know the cow.
The Japanese are kind of like this too.
Japanese and Italian culture are wildly similar.
Especially it's sort of like island life.
I don't know.
I think it's like when, I don't know, I think when God is reflected in whatever you're working on, then you're going to hold it up to that standard.
And I don't know.
For Italians, it's always seemed to me that like the food is a manifestation of what it is to be them.
So you have to treat it at the highest level.
Yeah.
So it's like, and they've dedicated themselves to this for so long and it's become like, you know, the exact same thing as the identity.
So of course they would know that the texture of chicken and the texture of pasta does not go together.
Where we would just taste some sauce and we need some protein.
We go, yeah, throw it in there.
They'd be like, no, no, you're going to get your protein.
Yeah.
But there's a protein that works better for this.
Well, oh, Katie Parla, who's a great Italian author, she told me that Italians are really obsessed with digestion, healthy digestion.
So it's like you'll have.
See, that's levels, bro.
That's the other thing.
Like, we're not even thinking about...
But they're not really doing anything else.
Well, let's talk about that actually.
No, no, I want to talk about that after because that's something that Italians will even criticize about themselves.
But about being a country that is lost in the past and not creating new things and not like dominating culture for thousands of years.
And now most people go there to view it as a museum.
And there's Italians that are like, no, let's keep creating.
Let's make new things.
Like we have this legacy of creating things that the world loves.
Like, why have we stopped doing this?
A great comedian named Francesco DiCarlo, who's moving to America soon, he's like the most famous Italian comedian.
He's making comedy how we do in New York in Italy.
Oh, wow.
And he's unbelievable comic.
He and I had this whole conversation because I was saying exactly what you were saying.
Like, I love coming to Italy.
And I feel like, you know, it feels like tradition and peaceful and da-da-da-da.
Like the chaos of New York has gone.
He goes, Yes, it is beautiful, but the problem is we're stuck in the past.
So he's like, me wanting to do comedy the way that you guys do it is almost impossible because people refuse to budge from their past.
And when you have a past that is so old, right?
When you have thousands of years of wisdom that turns into not only religion, but turns into pasta, it turns into everything.
It's like you can make the argument like we've perfected it.
We figured it out.
And then going against that is almost like insulting or stupid.
You're like, but in order to create new things that we like, we have to go against the grain.
In America, it's kind of easy, right?
We're here for 400 years.
If we do, what is it?
What are those, a gastro pub restaurant?
It's like where we flip a burger and make it a little interesting.
We're welcoming it.
We're not going, how dare you disgrace a hamburger?
How dare you disgrace a hot dog?
You know what I'm saying?
We do that every day.
Exactly.
But in Italy, you have 4,000 years of making a fucking pasta together.
Well, because Italians, Fran Lieber would say this.
Italians have a culture.
Americas don't, we don't have a culture.
We're developing it.
We're developing it.
The culture is an idea.
We're young still.
It takes thousands of years.
And that's why, I don't know, that's why I always look at Europeans and they have such an interesting relationship where like race and culture intersect.
Because I think that there's a lot of times where there is racism that is masked oftentimes as a cultural elitism.
Yes, very much so.
You know, and this is all throughout Europe.
Whereas if there was a kid adopted by a French family or adopted by an Italian family and raised Italian and raised a French, they might be more accepted and still deal with like racial shit, but they might be more accepted because they're continuing that identity.
Whereas in America, we're still figuring out what it is to be us.
So all we got is race to be like, you're bad, you're good, or whatever.
So my friend Tadzeta, she was born in Ethiopia, and then her mother moved her and herself to Italy when she was three.
And then she was raised by nuns in a Catholic church.
So her whole concept, you know what I mean?
She's this beautiful Ethiopian girl walking around as the most Roman woman on the face of the planet.
You know, so she deals with racism on like a whole other level.
It's interesting with Italians, though, because they are like so, like, northern Italy is so genetically different than southern Italy.
Yeah.
I mean, in Sicily, it's like it's so Arab North African.
It's in the architecture, it's in the food, it's in the language, it's in the people.
Like, even thinking about like Italy as a country, what is it?
1950.
When did Italy become a country?
1857?
I think, I think it was like united under the Vatican for like a thousand years, but I think it's literally the modern version of Italy is post-World War II, I thought.
Yeah.
So like the idea.
You had to rebrand a little.
Yeah.
The 19th, but they did a great one.
Honestly, amazing job because nobody even took, that's how great Italian food is compared to German food.
Italy's Regional Kingdoms00:08:53
The Germans are like, these fucking Nazis and Italians are like, it was a mistake.
It's the wrong side.
That's just how bad it is.
That's just how bad you guys are at war.
That's all it is.
We're awful.
We're so bad at it.
It's like we're like, yeah, Germany, Japan, those are the bad guys.
And you guys just didn't do anything.
No, we killed you.
We did.
We killed Mussolini.
You did.
We brought him in.
We just murdered him.
You know, Italians, they love murder.
And yeah, it was great.
Jiminy Glick asked Eddie Falco once.
He was like, why do Italians try not to kill?
So good.
But yeah, I mean, the 1960s was great for the Italians.
They really rebranded and it was like, you know, Roman holiday and pasta and vespas.
And, you know, they just became Italian disco.
There's some romance to the culture.
Yeah, well the language, the people.
It's crazy that that tiny country has affected the entire world.
Well, the most famous TikToker now is an Italian kid.
Who?
The kid Cobby Lame.
Oh, I didn't know that he's in Italy.
Yeah, he's a black dude, immigrated, but he's Italian, like fully raised in Italy.
Have you seen him?
He's the dude that like he'll play someone doing like a dumb DIY video and then just be like, this is how you're supposed to do it.
So he doesn't know, he doesn't ever speak.
Yeah, this is his thing.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, he's an Italian kid.
And then you listen to him talk.
He's just like fully Italian.
But it makes sense though, because all of his content is him just being like, you guys are so stupid.
What?
Watching Kobe Bryant in Italian interviews was my favorite.
Oh, how becomes Italian.
Yeah, one minute he's so American and the next minute he's like, and I'm like, where did that come from?
Because you can't not do this when you're speaking.
Do you get along with like New York Italians?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, look, I did this great podcast called Growing Up Italian.
Yeah, it's great.
And it's so funny because like being Italian, I forget like how I'm used to, like, I walk up to this intimidating group of Italians outside Anthony and Sons, right, where they film the podcast.
Anyone else be like, oh, God, those are scary Italians.
I walk up and like, oh my fucking God, I didn't know it was going to be Matteo.
And they're like, hey, bonioro, Matteo, my guy, do you want café?
And I'm like so comfortable in that.
So they are, Italian Americans are still really connected to Italy.
But I will say a lot of Italians like who follow me on Instagram always say the same thing.
They're like, Matteo, thank you for representing Italy of today.
Oh, good.
I'm like, oh, okay.
Because I think that, you know, the Italians there are a little, it's a little tiring to hear like, we get at the mafia and the corno and the maracchia, like we get it, we get it, we get it, we get it.
You know, so they have a lot more to offer, I guess.
There's an interesting thing about Italy specifically, which is like there are so many different, I guess, almost like kingdoms in Italy.
Like uniting it as one country is pretty recent.
There's 34 different languages in Italy.
Okay, so like when we look at Italy, we just go, pizza, maybe some mafia, definitely pasta and vespas, right?
Like that's the idea and the fashion or whatever.
But each one of these little areas, like the Venetian Empire, was a fucking empire.
And these people are, their roots are ingrained in what that is to be Venetian.
Katie Parlo's boyfriend is a Venice glassblower had to, in order to enter this.
Oh, what is that?
Yeah, what is that famous one?
And it doesn't matter.
There's a famous known glass blowing.
He's born and raised Italian.
Could not work there until he learned Venetian.
Isn't that funny?
Wow.
Actually, if you look up online, type in YouTube.
This is a great example.
Type in Italian barese.
Okay, this is the difference between Italian language and the language and body, okay, which is a completely different language.
This girl is going to be, oh my God, Nick, why are you calling me?
This girl will do it in English.
The woman on the right does it in Italian.
The guy on the left does it.
Body is wearing it in the middle of the game.
Oh my God, that's the heel of Italy.
Yep.
Italian versus Vanez part two.
If I catch you, who knows?
Who made this?
Quila fato.
Chioa fato.
E fly.
Unazanzara.
Nazamben.
Keep it.
Fieratillo.
Tinatilo.
Did you get to play?
Elliocato?
Si chi queito.
A bird.
Unucherlo.
Wachit.
Wow.
So you have that in all these different regions.
Every town has a different.
So Naples is different than body.
So people in Naples and body can't communicate in their dialects.
They have to speak the standard language Italian.
Yeah.
So when I went to Naples two months ago, it made crazy because my non is from Naples and like it's I but I don't know the Napolitano language.
Yeah.
So I'm there and I'm in this cab with this cab driver who's like in his early hundreds.
He should not be driving and he's only speaking Napolitano with me.
And I literally kept saying to him in Italian, I do not understand you.
Then he pulls, he thinks another cab driver is a bad driver.
So he takes his car, drives in the middle of traffic, stops it, stops traffic, rolls down his window to tell this guy he's a bad driver.
But all I hear in Navalitano is like, I'm like, I have no idea what's going on.
It's crazy.
I have to ask people sometimes in Italy.
I'm like, I'm so sorry.
You don't want to be disrespectful, but I'm like, I only, I just speak Italian.
Like, I don't, you know.
Did you eat the pizza there?
They sanctioned.
Yeah, we went to San Michele?
Yeah, Damichele.
We waited two hours.
Me and Tenzept to win.
And it's fucking worse.
It's unbelievable.
And it's only, you wait two hours and it's five Euro.
Yeah.
That's it.
And they only have two types of pizza.
And then they're all arguing with each other.
The pizzaiola is all arguing with each other.
But it was the pizza's unbelievable.
Bro, there's an ashtray right by the oven.
They're just smoking it all the way.
That's the seasoning, baby.
Let's go.
But unbelievable.
It's rare that you go to one of those hot spots or whatever where everybody talks about how amazing it is and it blows you away in this place.
And they opened one here.
You know that.
They did?
Yeah, they opened one here in...
Where the fuck is it?
What was that club in like a church or something?
No, no, no, no.
I forget it.
The Temple Gym.
I'm going to get Dove, Dove knows what it is, but the same people, they open one here.
And apparently it's really good, but it's a different thing when you're going to get there.
Are there Italians you don't get along with?
Like from an area from the world?
From the Milanese, is it?
Milanese, the northern Italians, like the non-Kinner.
Yeah, the joke is that they say they sonofredi, like they're a little cold.
But they're very like corporation and business.
And they keep the money pumping into Italy, and it's important.
But I mean, I'm used to Sicily.
That's how it is in Spain, too.
Like up in Barcelona, they think that they're like cheap.
They think that they're a little bit colder.
And then you go down to the south of Spain and you're basically in Morocco.
Yeah.
It's like everybody there is just giving you that like welcoming love.
Come into my home.
I don't care if I even know you.
I love Madrid.
I love Madrid.
I love that city.
What do you love about it?
I don't know.
I fell so in love with Madrid.
Barcelona, I'm not that.
I mean, it's fine.
You need a little bit more of that Italian love.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Barcelona feels chaotic and the streets all kind of look the same.
And I don't know.
I didn't quite connect with it the same way Madrid was like gorgeous.
Madrid is a little bit more ancient, a little bit more majestic.
You pointed this out with Italy is like, because it's so like culturally fragmented, or at least used to be, that's why they are so die-hard with the soccer teams.
Oh, yeah.
Like, that's the only way that they can fight.
That's their expression.
Yeah, like, and they've been connected to that culture for.
And I think you see that a little bit with in England too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's why it's hard for us to understand soccer, right?
Because like we're so boring.
No, but it's the thing is like, it's boring when like your whole identity isn't out there.
Right.
But I mean, soccer players are at least hot.
You know what I mean?
Like they're the hottest of the sports athletes.
Yeah.
I think hockey players would be hot, but they're like all covered up.
You can't really tell.
Me and Nick went to a Penguins game in Pittsburgh and he was screaming at the ref.
Why?
He got so involved in the game.
He's like, come on, you found this is ridiculous.
And he was in a fur coat.
Like it was, people gave us a lot of looks.
Yeah.
But I think soccer players are the hottest, no question.
Nice butts, nice thick legs.
Yeah, they're best looking, probably.
I'm trying to think.
Who else?
Football?
Stop.
Football is like, I don't know.
It depends on the position, bro.
I think across all towards me about it.
Soccer players got to be the best looking across the board, bro.
Yeah.
They got the nice sleek haircuts.
They're the ones who care the most about the way they look.
That's for sure.
Basketball players are now that the shorts are coming shorter.
I'm like, oh, they're hot.
But I'm used to 90s basketball players with like the everything is the dick would hang out a little.
Yeah.
Fantastic.
I really, I just don't.
I don't know.
I sound so stereotypical.
I'm like, I just don't care about sports.
It's like billion dollar industry.
I don't even see it.
Gelato vs Ice Cream00:05:06
Really?
I just don't care.
What about when like the Olympics come around?
Well, the Olympics are different because that's for gay people.
Okay.
Specifically the Winter Olympics are for gay people.
The winters.
Ice.
Anna Winter Olympics.
It's it's Nick.
Actually, I could call you Nick is obsessed.
He doesn't know anything about sports.
When it comes to the Olympics, he's like, are you out of your fucking mind?
This woman cracked her knee trying to like, he just knows everything.
Have you ever seen Selling Sunset?
Yeah.
I've never seen the latest season.
Nick called me.
He goes, what are you doing?
I just finished selling sunset season six.
Okay, what happened?
Well, I'm going to be honest.
Some people are born leaders.
Mary was born a potato.
She's absolutely Davina at this point is a plant that shouldn't even be in the show.
They got rid of Christine.
I mean, it really, Chris is now some sort of bisexual lesbian.
Who the hell knows what's going on with her?
None of them are selling houses.
Dude, you got to get him on Selling Sunsets.
If there's nothing else you do in your career, if there's nothing else you do.
Why don't we get him on one of the real estate shows?
He would be unbelievable.
He would be perfect TV.
He'd be the villain.
He'd be perfect TV.
He would be, I mean, Nick would be...
He shouldn't be that difficult.
Who does he work for?
I think Compass, maybe?
Compass?
I don't know, actually.
Yeah, we should.
That should be funny.
Nick doing on those TVs.
He would fight with everyone.
Nick, can we prank him?
Can we send people on listings with him that are there to rile them up?
You got to film that.
That is fire.
Just there to rile him.
Like a guy just goes and takes a dump during the listing.
I've just done that.
He's diarrhea in his pants.
At Chipotle.
Yeah.
At Chipotle.
There's a hemorrhoid in the toilet seat.
Like a doctor leaving it.
It's for you.
Yeah, it'll fall off.
He's like a bad move, bro.
That's crazy.
Yeah, we need to start pranking Nick.
Nick should, at the end of this year, think that he's living in, what was that, Jim Carrington?
Truman.
The Truman show.
The Truman show.
It should be half reality, half Truman show.
Like a guy came up to him on the train and goes, are you Mateo's boyfriend?
He goes, under no circumstances.
Are you one of these Italians that doesn't do New York pizza, though?
I love New York pizza.
I love Joe's pizza.
Even though it's different.
Oh, yeah.
I like New York Pizza a lot.
What's your best pizza?
Joe's.
Okay, give me Top in the city.
Well, Robalta, but that's like Italian-style pizza.
Joe's pizza, John's pizza.
What's the one that's in on like Spring Street?
What is that?
Oh, Prince Street?
Prince Street.
Prince Street is really good.
What else?
I mean, those are my, I mainly go to Joe's, though.
Yeah.
Ben's pizza has good grandma slice.
What, the one on the corner?
Yeah, the grandma slice pizza is really good.
Okay.
I love New York pizza.
I love the white slice.
What about Ruby Rosa?
You ever go to Ruby Rosa?
Shut your mouth.
No, I've never been to Ruby Rosa.
Ruby Rosa is incredible.
Really?
Dude, they did, it's on, where is it?
What's the next one over?
Bowery?
It's on Mulberry.
Mulberry.
It's on Mulberry.
Literally.
Yeah.
Oh, work.
Yeah.
Well, it's a little bit up.
More like Nolita, but yeah, Mulberry.
It's fantastic.
Really fucking good.
I mean, most New York pizza is great.
How about pasta?
That's harder to find.
We have to have a Misi.
Do you ever do Misi?
No.
The only good pasta in New York, the real pasta in New York, is at a place called Piccola Cucina on Spring Street in Thompson.
Okay.
And they're like from Sicily.
They make it the way it's supposed to be made.
Cigarettes and all.
Cigarettes and all.
Like, here's your a la norma.
And then Ribalta, which is a pizzeria, but they do authentic pasta as well.
Okay.
Okay.
You said the most controversial Italian take I think I've ever heard on this show.
What is it?
So Andrew obviously go into a malfi.
He sees himself, I think, is culturally Italian.
And then he came back.
I used to teach you Italian.
He came back and he goes, you couldn't tell the difference between ice cream and gelato.
Is that a true thing you said?
Out of your mind.
No, you couldn't.
You said you.
You couldn't.
You couldn't.
You said you.
It's literally two different things.
Oh, I have a great ice cream shop for you.
Cafe Pana.
Have you been there?
No.
In Rome?
No, this is here.
But she trained in a gelataria in Rome.
Is she from Italy?
No.
I go to Figo for gelato.
We'll go.
This is, they have like savory gelato.
And you can tell the difference?
Bro, they had.
Fuck you.
Dude, I had just vanilla with whipped cream and then olive oil on the top and like some salt.
It was fucking unbelievable.
Anyway, Caffey Pana, go check it out.
Okay.
But we'll go.
We'll get some ice cream.
But you can't tell the difference between gelato.
You're addicted to sugar.
It doesn't matter.
I hate how you eat snickers.
I like both.
I like both.
Don't give me this.
I like two opposite things.
They're so distinct.
The idea that you think people couldn't tell the difference is absolutely absurd.
No, you.
You can't tell the difference.
Also, he said you.
Why are you going to tell me we're a part of this?
No.
They're two separate things.
It's like the difference between like bread and fucking lobster.
I started eating good food like two years ago.
You grew up in Florida.
I grew up in that.
You got Florida.
I grew up next to a gelato.
I grew up in Florida.
Jeremiah is Italian ice.
God.
Are you going to let him disrespect you?
Bread and Lobster00:03:00
Yeah.
He's doing a good job himself.
There's nothing more incriminating I can say about him that he's already in said himself.
A gay compliment is nice, but a gay insult hurts way more.
It's a dagger, right?
Yeah.
You insult like southern people, dude.
Bless your heart.
You are pretty vicious, I think.
Really good at comebacks and insults.
That's the only way we can practice.
Exactly.
Okay, listen, you have a flight to catch.
I do.
So you have to get out of here.
But before you leave, Hair Plugs and Heartbreak on YouTube.
Yes.
Several other specials on YouTube.
Mateo Lane Comedy.
Yes, MateoLaneComedy.com.
I'm on tour.
We're almost sold out with the Chicago Theater.
Exciting.
Hometown kids.
I know.
And I'm doing Vegas.
I'm not doing any shows this summer, but I am doing The Win at Vegas.
Oh, that's beautiful.
And if you want to come.
So that's exciting.
When are you doing that?
I'm doing it July 29th.
Okay.
Great.
Are you going to gamble?
No, I don't like gambling.
I have no vices.
No vices.
You got to try.
You got to practice.
Last time I gambled, I was like, I was going to take my wallet and throw it on the table and keep walking.
Yeah, I don't see you being good at gambling.
No, Jessica Kirsten was trying to teach me how to gamble, and she ended up just doing it for me.
I want to be the hot woman who sits with the boyfriend of the gambler, who's like, you know, like making faces and stuff.
That's low on the dice.
I'm good at that.
Are you flying private to Italy?
What?
No, I'm not doing the kids super fast.
Well, let us know.
But I am flying first class.
Hey.
There's no going back.
No.
There's no going back.
No, no, no.
I have to keep this going just to keep flying first.
But I know it's going to be one of the old Delta flights where it's like when you're going down, it's like, it's going to be.
Literally.
Last time I was on that flight, I've told this story before, but it was like the TV was so small.
I was like, do I have cataract?
Like, did I pay?
And then the equivalent of giving you the meal, they just stand at the front of the plane and throw the meal at you.
But this one gay flight attendant, you know, of course recognized me.
He was like, he's like, Mateo, is there anything I can get you?
And I was like, I'm so sorry, but like my TV doesn't work and my chair doesn't work.
He goes, I fucking hate these old planes.
They're fucking awful.
And he just kept giving me snacks and he was so nice.
Oh, I got a discount from you, actually.
What?
Yeah.
I was at a vintage store upstate and the guy that was checking me out, not check me out.
I mean, he was gay, but like also Mark's hot.
But he was like checking all of our stuff.
And he was asking, he's like, oh, you're a comedian.
I was like, yeah.
And he's very gay.
And I was like, I just peppered in there.
I was like, yeah, we actually just had Mateo Lane on the podcast.