Bert Kreischer and Doug Benson dissect the obsolescence of comedy management, contrasting traditional middlemen with modern social media strategies while debating whether online clips can replace live chemistry. They explore personal phobias ranging from balloons to sinkholes, recounting terrifying stunts like a Swiss snow rescue and New Zealand spelunking that fueled Kreischer's drive after his "water dummy" days. Ultimately, the episode highlights how vulnerability and gratitude transformed Kreischer's career, proving that genuine audience connection remains vital despite digital shifts. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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The Tom Story00:14:57
Do you love Tom?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So much so that I'd let him f ⁇ me over.
Ooh, this is interesting.
So you would let him f ⁇ you over and you're like, you have so much goodwill built up that you could look past it.
I'll tell you this.
I'll tell you the true story.
I don't know if Tom knows this.
Right.
I think his dad ran sex stores.
Right.
And says...
You need another drink.
I'm like shaking party.
I'm like shaking.
Give me the beer.
Give me the beer.
No, no.
It's just shocking.
Check out my special Razzle Dazzle.
What a f ⁇ ing weird episode.
I've never done a podcast like this in my life.
You guys f ⁇ ed me up today.
I've been the luckiest f ⁇ ing guy in the world.
When I die, everyone should just go like, I don't deserve any of the stuff I've gotten.
I don't deserve anything.
It's been like, and I've done everything in the world.
I've traveled the world four times.
I have two beautiful daughters.
I'm in love with my wife, and I have the greatest career that I feel so lucky to have.
And I have awesome friends.
Like, when I die, I shouldn't have had any of it.
There's people that don't have any of this.
I can't.
I mean, yeah, I hope my funeral's fun.
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrants.
And today is a very big day.
We're in the middle of a global economic meltdown.
Yes.
Okay.
I think I caused it.
You might have.
You don't know who's talking just right now.
I mean, you do because you click the fucking thumbnail, but we're going to set it up as if you don't.
Okay.
The president, the ex-president, the last president might be getting arrested today when this comes out.
The Pentagon has confirmed fucking aliens.
Mothership.
A mothership and little UFOs might be going to America.
And there's only one man that can save us all.
It's a man to my right right now.
That's the man, the myth, the machine is Bert Christ.
Let's go, boy.
Yes, Bert.
Now, Bert, it is weird you requested not to have our black co-hosts on the show.
That I thought was kind of weird.
Well, you said, I'll only come back.
You said, I'll only come back if I'm the only one wearing two Rolexes.
Wakanda forever.
Oh, that's Wakanda too?
Yeah, baby.
What was with the two fucking Rolexes?
I didn't even notice it.
That's...
That was happening right now.
My arms are fully loaded.
You know, I figure if you're promoting a special called Razzle Dazzle.
No, that's a good-ass point.
Razzle Dazzle.
That's a good ass point.
I was with Cigar yesterday.
He was throwing this one away, so I just picked it up.
Really?
She was like, I'm done with it.
Now, I do have a question about how you're wearing them.
Yeah.
Because I do kind of like watches.
I love.
I love this watch.
This is valid.
Now, this Rolex here is made for left-handed people so you could wear it on your right hand.
Now, here's what's interesting.
That's not accurate.
Well, you tell me.
Because I bought this yesterday.
Okay.
We were in Vegas yesterday.
So we're not doing anything at the MGM.
This is the new thing.
It's a throwback.
They're doing this all year.
And which side is it?
It's for left-handed people, yes, but they're doing this on all the watches now.
That's not true.
It's only on that one.
No, no, no.
You got lied to.
No, no, no.
Hold on.
Because I sat in a plane.
They haven't announced any Rolexes until like next week.
Yeah, this is last year's.
Yeah.
This is, I just got it yesterday.
Yeah, no, it's not.
They didn't even know.
Close your hair.
Crossing your closer.
Crossing her.
We're in this year.
We're in this year right now.
Okay?
We're in this year right now.
What I'm trying to say is this could work perfectly because you just take the Daytona and you put it on your left.
Yeah.
And they start this one on the right.
And then everything is gold and it fits perfectly.
It works great.
Yeah.
I really fucked this up.
Yeah.
Because how on earth are you going to fix that while it's on, even?
No, I didn't even set it when I bought it yesterday.
They were explaining that this is a thing they're doing this year.
But be honest, you didn't listen.
You were just like, give me the fucking watch.
I did not.
I don't even know what the one is.
I didn't even know what the one scrolling.
And by the way, I didn't even pick it up.
I didn't know what to pick it up.
We're being real serious.
Check to see if they're on different times.
Hold on.
Of course they're on.
But that way it's always five o'clock somewhere.
You know what I mean?
That's true.
Jesus death, baby.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
I didn't even pick it out.
I walked in and they go, Christine's picked your watch out.
It's waiting for you.
I said, which one am I getting?
He goes, you'll see.
And she had picked it out.
She just had it over to the side.
She goes, that's the one you're getting.
And I went, I love it.
Wait, Daytona, my favorite place.
Oh, no.
This one my wife got me for my birthday.
That's a great chance.
That's the fucking, that's the gangster.
Yeah.
Okay, I have a question, though, that relates to your wife.
Because obviously, you've got all these amazing things going on.
Your fucking tour looked crazy.
I want to talk about all of it.
Okay.
But the movie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You have this movie based on the machine.
Okay.
Yep.
Memorial Day Weekend.
Memorial Day Week.
You get to cast the movie.
You get to cast your wife and you have some elite milk as your wife.
So how did she feel about what you wish she looked like?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
That's not even the good question.
Okay, go, I did not get to pick my wife.
Wait, she picked it?
Leanne picked her.
That's the fucking decision, Bert.
Wow.
Shout out to Stephanie.
Leanne loved her.
She goes, that's me.
And I went, really?
She goes, yep.
She goes, as a matter of fact, I want to get on the phone with her.
What was she eating in that audition?
Because those look good.
They're called flip sides.
She goes, I'm getting flip sides.
I like that woman.
Flip sides are the chocolate cover pretzels?
No, no, no.
The pretzel on one side, cracker on the other.
My toll house are pretty fucking awesome.
It's a new hybrid they've come up with.
Yeah, they're fucking awesome.
Yeah.
Bert's only cutting edge of snacks.
This is the good story.
Fuck this new Rolex.
I can tell you the snacks you need.
Dude, you tried the bubbling blue cheese combos?
Yes.
They're fucking next level.
Powerboards.
Dude, rap snacks.
Have you had rap snacks?
Do you always tag it with the brand?
Yeah, flip sides, toll house.
Both of the blue cheese combos.
You got to show respect.
You know what I mean?
The best part is, I didn't realize I had a kissing scene.
Oh, did you not?
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
They just sprung it up on me.
My wife's in Serbia.
Okay.
She comes out for the first like week of shooting and we do the kissing scene.
And I find out that night go, I'm kissing her tomorrow.
And Leanne goes, you didn't know that?
I said, well, I didn't read the fucking script.
Like, I mean, I read it, but I didn't read it.
You wrote the fucking script.
I didn't read the action part.
A couple other guys wrote it.
I just punched it up.
I don't read the action part.
I just read the words.
Punch it out bad in the second scene.
She goes, Yeah, you have a kissing scene.
And I was like, oh my God, like, what do I do?
She's like, you're going to kiss her.
So I went over.
Dude, you're a fucking genius.
And I had not kissed another woman in 20 years.
Yeah.
And then you let your wife pick the woman that you got to cheat on her with.
And I'll tell you right now, my wife's got great taste.
I had to kiss this woman.
Did you get erect?
Did you get a bonus?
I wouldn't say I got my.
Yeah.
Whatever.
You know.
I'll tell you right now.
I'll tell you right now.
I can understand.
Did you run that scene a few times before you recorded?
This is how bad of an actor I am.
We had to do a pickup for Mark Hamill where he had to say his lines.
And then they just doing his tight.
Luke Skywalker plays his fucking dad.
It's insane.
I'm in a different wardrobe.
I'm in a different wardrobe than the scene should take.
We're just doing this pickup real quick.
And then Mark says his line and then we kiss.
And off camera, I kissed her.
And everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing?
And I went, and I was like, I'm getting doing the scene.
And they're like, you guys don't need to kiss.
No one's filming it.
But you went for it.
On fucking cameras.
Like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Is that not what we're supposed to do?
Where were your hands when you kissed her?
On her back.
On her back, but you just like.
The kiss said I had to knock her off her feet.
Oh.
And I was like, I've never done that.
But she wasn't really.
By the way, I kissed with my eyes open.
So I'm not a good kisser.
But yeah, it was crazy.
It was bizarre.
And then that night, my wife gets in bed and she was like, hey, you want to kiss old Faithful?
I was like, beat a scissor lips.
Fucking kissing.
Hers, like licking an envelope.
Yeah, but you kissed with your eyes open, dude.
I'm a bad kisser.
Yeah.
Is that why you don't cheat?
Because you're just bad at it.
Yeah.
Well, hold on.
I'm bad at sex.
I'm bad at everything.
That me too.
That's why I don't cheat.
It's the same reason, like, my wife doesn't sing karaoke.
She can't fucking sing.
Well, the reason I don't fuck checks on the road is because I can't fuck.
Dude, same too, same, Doug.
I'm glad I can't fuck.
Wait, how do you know you can't fuck?
Because I've done it.
I've done it.
I've been there every time.
And you're comparing yourself to like professionals?
No, I'm comparing myself to the notes I've gotten from the women I've had sex with.
Okay, let's go into these notes because this is fun.
What is the best note?
The best note, are you going to put it in?
And you thought it was in?
I thought I'd already had an orgasm.
You were on final?
Underneath, butt cheek in the bed.
Oh, that's how I lost my virginity.
That's how I two pumps, done.
She says, are you going to put it in my dick's between her butt cheek and the bed?
I didn't even need a person there.
I could have done it myself.
And I was like, fuck, that's the first time I lost my virginity.
But that could just be a mix-up.
That's just one.
Because you didn't really lose your virginity.
You misplaced your virginity for a couple of minutes.
Can you tell us the second time you lost my virginity?
Second time was right after it when I went in with a compromised condom.
A compromised condom?
Yeah, well, I blow load.
Condom's done.
She says, Are you going to put it in?
I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's when I lost my virginity.
When I are in a, it's like, imagine if I would, let's go for a hike.
I go, but first, let's jump in a river and get our socks rolled in.
You had a condom on and then came between the bed sheets and a butt cheek.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Filled up the condom.
I thought it was two different.
No, no, It's the same fucking night.
All in one night.
Dude, I was, that is how I'm introduced to sex in my fucking life.
I'm like, fuck this.
I didn't fuck again for like a couple years.
I was like, I'm not.
Because I was like, I got to fucking figure this shit out.
Yeah.
Do some reflection.
Yeah.
And then the next time I had sex, I was in college and I jerked off before I had sex.
And then I was like, and then, and yeah, and then I was, I was good, but I guess I'm still, I've always been fast, like really fast.
Like, oh, so it's not your skill in bed.
It's time.
I come fast.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Joke about that.
Yeah.
I have a bunch.
I have so many jokes about it.
I have one fucking means like a rodeo, six seconds of, and then I hop off.
My buddy comes dressed like a clown distractor.
First time I had sex with Lancrestory, blue load really quick.
And then I went, I think someone's breaking into my house.
I'm going to get checked.
A second time.
Yeah.
I had an orgasm.
This one's in Razzle Dazzle right now.
I had an orgasm so fast.
One time Leanne laughed at me, laughed, and said, shit, I don't think you could have gotten AIDS from that.
Yes, I am fucking fast, bro.
So like, I think.
Have you ever satisfied your wife, you think?
Yeah, yeah, no, no.
I give her an orgasm, but not with my dick.
From what do you do?
Oral sex.
Oral?
I've never.
Are you nice at oral?
Yeah.
You're really good, aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I really am.
I really am.
I gotta be honest with you.
If I was gonna cheat on my wife, I'd just give the chip for her.
Which is the worst way to cheat?
You don't even come and you just want to make a girl feel good that wasn't your wife?
What a piece of shit.
He's a people pleaser.
He wasn't really.
I remember Nikki Glazer, I think, said something to me one time.
I forget, she goes, just so you know, not all chicks like the exact same oral sex.
And in my head, I was like, oh, for real?
Yeah.
Because I know, I mean, I'm really good at oral sex.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
The other day, the other day, the other day, I gave her an orgasm and like a gangster walked out of the room while it was still happening, just like strutted my way out.
She's just like, what?
And I just got up and walked out.
I was like, that's how it's done.
Like a fadeaway three?
Like, just like Curry?
You just walked away while it was still fucking in there.
That was awesome.
It's so weird to hear sex stories about your wife.
It's kind of, well, yeah, I guess I'm fucking up.
Because if you met her, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
My problem is I'm too honest.
Like my, my, we were talking about comedy earlier off.
The way I do comedy is just super vulnerable, super honest, tell you everything, and then hopefully tell some good story, put storytelling in it.
Yeah.
You are, you, your style is very, is very different.
I don't, like, I don't think I know much about you.
You're like Tosh a little bit.
Like we were talking about Daniel Tosh.
He's fucking awesome.
Yeah.
But Tosh does not want anyone to know anything about him.
Yeah.
And like you're kind of like that, but without the podcast, I know a little bit about you.
Yeah.
But it's still like.
Yeah.
Like your parents can dance.
Yeah.
I know that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I never thought that I was worth talking about until recently.
For real?
Yeah.
I thought it was a very arrogant and like narcissistic thing for like comics that like had nothing to go up there and be like, today a weird thing happened to me.
Really?
And I was like, well, who the fuck are you?
Well, I don't have the ability to do what you do.
Burr.
I think you earn talking about your life.
So I've loved to see like.
That's a good perspective.
I didn't talk about my life for the first 10 years of doing stand-up.
Yeah.
I never really thought about it.
Why would anyone care?
You have to talk about the things that they can meet you at.
Right.
And then so my hope would always be like early on, like you would know who I was without knowing things about my life.
So you would know the type of guy I am.
You would know the type of person I am through my opinions about the world.
It's funny.
It's really funny because you're saying that there's a joke you had one time that I saw a long time ago that I, because of that joke, I said, oh, I know a lot about him.
I know I need.
That's the dream to me.
You know me through the material.
Like you had the joke, you were talking to an Indian guy and you're talking about the arm thing.
Oh, yeah.
And I remember going, but wow, he is, I immediately went, he has diverse friends, I'm assuming.
He grew up in New York.
He was a smart dude.
Like, I don't know.
I was like, oh, I bet he's had sex with other chicks and white chicks.
Like, just based on one joke.
Me, I got to tell you, I've only fucked white chicks.
Well, no, the beauty of it, and I really like it.
I think the way that people connect is through story.
And I think that like, you're a perfect example of that.
Poker Jokes and Dad Bits00:06:11
You know, you have these, like, obviously the machine, but there's many other things.
And it's like, the story is our earliest version of downloading information, right?
So there's something biological that happens.
It's almost like music.
And I think like, as I've gotten some more success in my career, I've started to try to make things more personal because I think it like is justified now.
You know, like, you know, and so it's like, or at least reflecting on these things that are happening in society that I care about through kind of personal experience.
So I want to bring more of that out, but it was something I think I had to earn.
That's really interesting.
I, I, I, one of the guys, like, you get game changers.
Tosh is king, bro.
Bro, that's my favorite comment.
Tosh.
That's why I asked him because they're both, all three of us, not trying to brag, Florida guys.
Yeah.
And so I was like trying to see, did you know Tosh from back in the day and like any Tosh stories?
Because no one knows anything about him.
Yeah, Tosh and I colluded on a poker game once.
Colluded?
What does that mean?
It's when you go in, pretend not to know each other, and you work as a team to win.
It's what happened in Rounders.
Yeah, I love that movie.
That's Rounders.
Yeah, shout out to Brian Coppel.
The movie changed my life.
I walked around with a pack of cards after that, and I would just try to hustle people and poker.
In high school, I watched Rounders, and I was like, and then World Series of Poker blew up.
That was the most animal thing I've ever watched.
World Series of Poker blows up like a few years after.
I think that was part of it.
But imagine Rounders came out during the middle of World Series of Poker crazy time.
The biggest movie ever.
Ever in history.
I think it worked better, though, because he didn't feel like it was cashing in.
He just saw this music.
You got into it, and then it was just like a great movie.
I didn't know Koppelman wrote that.
Yeah, he wrote Rounders.
I mean, it's one of my favorite movies.
Anyway, it's a fucking movie.
No, I met Schultz when Georgia was born.
Tosh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Tosh.
Okay, makes up the greats.
When Georgia was born, I was featuring.
I was broke.
I was featuring $700.
I had to fly myself out, pull myself up.
And Tosh, and I got along really well.
And the next day he called, and we got back.
He said, hey, do you want to go play poker?
And I was like, or do you, do you know any poker games?
I said, I do.
He said, can I go and play?
And I was like, yeah.
So he picked me up.
I was so broke.
I asked for $100 from Leanna.
And she goes, we don't have it.
And I was like, I was like, just give me the $100.
He goes, no, we don't have it.
And I said, well, give me the card.
I'm not going to lose it.
And she goes, no, we don't have $100.
And Daniel Tosh goes, I'm so uncomfortable right now.
I'll give you $200 to leave.
So he gave me the $100.
We went up to this game.
And as we walked in, he goes, hey, we don't know each other.
And I went, what?
And he goes, we don't know each other.
Don't go in on anything I go in on.
I won't go in anything on you go in on.
And I went, okay.
So I walked in.
Tosh walked in.
Someone's like, hey, are you guys comedians?
I was like, yeah.
He's like, do you guys know each other?
And he's like, I've seen him around, but I don't really know him.
And they're like, and then we fucking Tosh.
Tosh won the fucking tournament.
Let's fucking go.
Tosh won the fucking tournament.
How much money did he give you for this?
Because you're the broke one.
I got $100.
I needed the $100.
He's a good dude, man.
He's a solid dude.
He's like a brilliant fucking comic.
Oh, and that's brilliant, man.
The night I got passed at the comedy store was the last time I saw him.
He came up.
I haven't seen him forever.
Dude, I remember being, Mark and I were just talking about this the other day, but I remember being like a young comic and like, young comic, you're trying to get by.
And you're like, okay, do I have to like win them over?
Do I have to like charm them?
Do I have to start off with like this big misdirection joke?
Like, how do I fucking solve this puzzle that is performing in front of people?
And early on in comedy, you're like, okay, I got to get some momentum going.
And if they're into me and the momentum's going, the jokes work and everything's good.
And I remember watching him in one of his specials.
He didn't like some people that were in the crowd.
And he kicks them out of the crowd, stops the show, starts from zero again.
And I thought that I saw the greatest comedian ever.
I was like, what did it, what?
That is incredible.
I watched the show.
And there were like a few things.
I went on this like rabbit hole with Tosh.
And it's like, I saw another thing happen.
I saw him.
He would go, he went on a radio.
Remember back when we would do radio and like we would do bits?
They like tee you up for a bit.
And it was the worst because like, you don't know, it's like, do I pretend that this isn't a joke and do it?
Or do I just do it as a joke?
This motherfucker did the joke as a joke and murdered for three people.
It is three people.
I saw that clip.
I saw that clip.
It is the most destructive radio you've ever seen in your fucking life.
In your fucking life.
And then you can watch him do the joke on stage and it's the same cadence.
It's the same rhythm.
That weekend in Miami, there was a guy up front that was being, there was heckling.
I was featuring and I dealt with it.
I kind of fucked around with it and then tried to deal with it.
And as I got off, he goes, the fuck was that?
I said, it's a guy up front.
And he goes, that won't be happening for me.
And I said, really?
And so I go around and he walks out on stage.
He goes, show has not started.
You need to leave, sir.
Yeah.
I will not go on until this guy's kicked out.
Fucking go.
Kick him out.
Kick him out right now.
Kick him out.
Go.
You're garbage.
You're fucking garbage.
I'll spend the whole time telling you how old your fucking chick looks.
You're garbage.
Get out.
And then he said, I'll never forget it.
He goes, and no one is laughing.
No one's laughing.
He's not famous.
As he's walking the corner, he goes, sir, I hope you get fucking AIDS.
And then he turns to the audience and he goes, but they're good AIDS.
Like Magic Johnson.
And the place erupts.
He goes, you know, like opening Starbucks and underprivileged.
And he starts and murdered from top to bottom.
Top to bottom.
Top to bottom.
And fucking.
He's a zero to 100 guy, which is like, and it's something I've always aspired to do.
It's like, I don't care how bad or good the last joke is.
We got to go down to zero and then get to the 100 by the end of the joke.
And that's when the joke starts.
It can be zero.
There can be a fire.
Someone could have a fistfight.
It doesn't matter what is going on, where the set is, and it could hate him.
And from the beginning of that joke to the end of the joke, they're at 100.
Yeah.
So, so, so if we're, if we're breaking it apart, I couldn't do what Tosh or Dane or Nick Swartzen did.
I didn't have that ability.
Or like you or Chappelle, that like, I only could get you to know me.
And I saw guys like Freddie Soto.
Do you remember Freddie Soto?
He's passed.
He was a comedy store comic.
And he had a bit about his dad.
Patrice's High-Level Comedy00:07:33
Yeah.
Irregardless.
Thank you.
Oh, irregardless.
Irregardless.
Irregardless.
Oh, Freddy.
Oh, you can't help me, but I bet if you were, it was so funny that I went, I feel like I know his dad.
I feel like I know him.
So I would introduce characters in my stand-up, like my buddy Hutch or my buddy Harper, and I'd tell you a little bit about them, like a real story.
Like Hutch, one time we were playing frisbee golf, and my stick got my frisbee got stuck in the tree.
I was throwing a stick at it, and Hutch goes, I mean, if I were you, I'd keep your mouth closed.
I was like, huh?
He's like, you know, when you look up, your mouth automatically opens.
And I was like, oh, I didn't notice that.
He goes, yeah, a stick could go right down your throat.
It happened to me twice.
And I was like, huh?
So that, so I'd introduce that character and then I'd use him throughout stories where I'd call back to him.
Harper, good friend of mine, one time misspelled his name.
Yeah.
Happer, two P's, no R.
He goes, well, it happens.
I go, no, no, it doesn't.
No, never.
No, I've never been in a rush.
Like, catch you later, Burp.
Those are like my two.
I had a story about taking acid and going to Disneyland.
Yeah.
And so I and I introduced those two characters and then I could tell you a story.
Still, my takes are off.
Like when you talk about the financial crisis, I don't really know what's going on.
Neither do I. Neither do we.
Like all I know.
But I have such confidence that people believe I know what the fuck is going on.
Your generation knows.
I was just saying this tock that became the news.
A complete lie.
It was just a hunch.
It's the news now.
It's crazy.
Politicians talking about it.
It's a crazy thing.
Yeah, your generation knows like Harambe and like, and like stuff like that.
Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein.
What does that mean?
Harambe is.
What is that?
What does Harambe have to do with Epstein?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't even know any of it.
I guess a kid died.
I don't know any of that.
It's just the news that has nothing to do with Bert.
And he's like, I think it's a generational thing.
No, no, no, you're right.
You're right.
Not thinking about me as a generational thing.
He's like millennials.
Have you ever, has anyone ever been like, hey, you want to see my Pearl Harbor could happen?
And Bert would be like, we were going to Hawaii that week, weren't we?
It's so funny you say that.
When you say Pearl Harbor, I immediately think of telling you a story about my experience in Walter Cliff.
That's how my brain works.
Like I immediately go, I went there with Russell Peters one time.
Yeah.
No, but I. There's a Japanese guy talking about how his dad just fucking ran into an aircraft carrier in a plane.
And you're like, yeah, yeah, but me and Russell went to Pearl Harbor once.
Let me tell you.
We had a riot.
Your dad hit it.
No, yeah, I don't like, and when people go, hey, you want to take a look at my vacation pictures?
And you're like, am I in any of them?
And they're like, no.
I go, I'm gonna fucking see about your vacation.
So fuck.
So we're talking about that.
This is what I think is like beautiful about comedy.
And it actually extends to just art in general.
It's like we all have an idea of what we think like the best version of something is.
And the more pinpoint your idea is, if it becomes popular, you're a genius.
Okay?
So like, like, I want to use an example.
Okay.
So we have a friend of ours, right?
He's a brilliant designer.
His name is Calm, right?
Kid Super is the company that he has.
Brilliant guy.
And his shit is so weird and ridiculous that, but all of a sudden he was like the head male designer for Louis Vuitton and he's just, but it's so weird and out there.
But he has to have unbelievable conviction to go, this is good.
It should be on a shirt.
It should be on sweatpants.
And then when it becomes popular, he's a genius for believing so much in this thing that is so different than everything else, right?
And I feel like almost in comedy, you have to have unbelievable conviction for the type of comedy you love, right?
So I loved, like in my mind, I was always like coming up.
I'm like, okay, what I think the best comedy is, is taking something that is incredibly difficult to argue and making the argument for it.
I don't know why I thought that, but I was drawn to these guys like Rock.
And then I saw Patrice and I was like, Patrice is doing this at the highest level.
It's nothing has been done like this.
And it was this like great moment where I had this like kind of comedic North Star.
Okay.
You know, I would argue, I would argue the best part of Patrice were his stories about him.
Well, so here's the thing.
Story should be in everything.
Everything, whether it's about you, whether it's about like with Dave Chappelle, he's like this magnificent storyteller as well.
Whether the story happened or not, he tells it within story for a reason, right?
It's like just telling the joke, that's like on horseback.
The story, you're on a fucking rocket ship.
I would say that story is sometimes the peanut butter, the joke is the pill inside it.
100%.
So what I think is interesting is like you have this idea of what you think the best comedy is and you should feel that way about story.
I think people in general should feel that way about story.
It's the most powerful.
But like, so you go, I'm going to do this type of comedy to the best of my ability.
And I think what often happens in this business is like, since we're so swayed by like the validation of the audience, you see somebody doing something different.
And a lot of people just go, well, maybe I should kind of do that.
Maybe you're not the best at that.
So what I think is really cool, what you've done is if you've gone, I like telling stories.
When I'm around my friends, I tell stories.
When I'm on podcasts, I tell stories.
I'm really good at telling stories.
And I can kind of fill these stories up with these like interesting characters and I can build this life.
And then at no point have you been like, well, I guess I need to be Daniel Tosh or I need to be this guy because these things are popular.
It's rare as a comedian because usually we gravitate towards the things that are just like.
Yeah.
I couldn't.
At what point did you stop paying attention to me when I was talking just right now?
At the very beginning.
I'm being that serious.
At the very beginning, when you started telling saying, I go, I'm not listening.
I remember, I actually said, I'm not listening, and I hope he uses an example about me.
Yeah, I got a damn fucking song again.
Bring him back in.
Yeah, he tuned back in when he said what's great about him.
Yeah, yeah, I was like, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too, me too.
No, Patrice, I would argue Patrice is.
He suddenly had a peanut butter in the pill when you brought him up.
I got the example.
Patrice told a story one time.
I don't know if you've ever heard it, about the cool guy in his neighborhood, Tony.
Did you ever hear it?
Tony.
So it's beautiful because you know Patrice.
And if you knew Patrice, you knew the vulnerability in Patrice.
Patrice was raised by a single mother.
I don't know how much, I don't want to get into details about Patrice.
He talks about the single mother thing and Mr P. Does he talk about his father?
I don't believe so.
I won't tell Patrice's stories.
But what I'll tell you is Patrice didn't have a father figure to teach him how to be a man and be cool.
He had this guy in this neighborhood called Tony.
And Tony was slick.
He'd go up behind.
I'm telling it as if I'm Patrice.
Tony would up behind a girl and tap him on the back of the neck and go, damn, you look good.
Oh, Tony, Tony.
So Patrice is like, yeah, I got to smack a bitch.
All right.
All right.
So he goes, I'm a little bit bigger than Tony.
I just come up behind a bitch.
And he told, he had told these stories of Tony would grab girls and put them in front of the fire hydrant.
And he's like, all right.
So he puts a girl in a half Nelson and holds her in the water.
Those stories Patrice told, just me, I guess, were for me, I was crying laughing.
I love everything he did, but I loved to know about his life.
I loved it.
And so, I don't know, I always like, that's what I always dug hearing the stories like Geraldo.
Yeah.
But Geraldo is also like a joke guy.
Like he could like Geraldo arguably is one of the best joke writers ever.
What I loved about Greg is when he would tell me stories about his partying.
Bombing Stories on Stage00:04:04
Yeah.
And you'd go, I go, do you not talk about them on stage?
He's like, eh.
You know, when I started doing Rogan, I was really trying to be like, you know what cops hate when you touch your faces.
And then I wasn't great at it and I wasn't standing out.
And when I started doing Rogan, I told the machine story.
And then I came back one time.
This is when he was doing the ice house.
And I said something.
I wish I could remember what it was, but I said something.
And Rogan goes, oh, hold on.
We're getting another amazing Burt Chryser story.
And I went, oh, I was like, oh, shit.
And, you know, he's the one that got me to start telling the machine on stage.
I was not telling it on stage.
Yeah, I told him on thing.
And he goes, you tell that on stage?
I said, no, that's not like a, it's the way Geraldo said.
That's not a stage story.
And he goes, no, fuck that.
He goes, from this point on, he is only to be referred to as the machine.
And you are to chant that name out until he tells that story.
That next weekend, I was in Columbus, Ohio.
And the whole place was chanting the machine.
I go, guys, I'm not going to tell it.
And a guy in the front row goes, hey, man, we know it's not going to be good, but you have to tell it.
Rogan said, you have to tell it.
You have to tell it to make it good.
And we'll fake laugh, right, guys?
And they're like, yeah, we'll fake laugh, Bert.
Son, that's beautiful.
That makes me want to fucking cry.
So an audience member.
I told the machine story for a solid year with it bombing.
I mean, bombing.
Oh, really?
Bombing.
I mean, it's a fucking 15-minute story.
That's a long bomb, bro.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
Quarter of your set.
Dude, it was.
You've only had to write 30 minutes for the last 10 years.
Dude, I fucking, I would bomb with this fucking story.
And then one night, I figured out the end of the story.
That's the most important thing in storytelling is if you have an end, then you know you can get the fuck out.
Yeah.
Right.
And so I figured out the end of the machine story.
And from that, and then it got good.
Then I got really good.
And then obviously it went viral.
But that, that changed the direction of everything I started doing because I never thought I'd be talking about fucking kids.
You don't understand.
Wait, that was like the differently.
Say that, run that sentence back.
Yeah, don't use the same kind of story.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah.
You don't need a documentary made about yourself.
I never thought I'd be talking about fucking dogs.
No, wait a second.
I never thought I'd be talking about my kids ever.
I never thought that.
I did not like that kind of comedy.
And I did not like when comics did it.
It depressed me.
But then I just started, everything started becoming stories.
Why did it impress you?
I don't know.
I wanted to be cool and young and famous.
Yeah.
I felt like that was an old cook.
I wanted to be like, that was our, he was like, you were gravitating to what was working instead of doing what you do best.
Yeah, exactly.
I think that's the cool thing about podcasts is like, it gets you more comfortable telling these stories.
It definitely made me more comfortable sharing my life.
I always shared my life with people, but it's great to do it in a place where like you're like, okay, I can work through these things and find the funny in these things, find the vulnerability.
Oh, that's interesting.
You were always comfortable sharing because my parents always told me, this is why I didn't tell stories for the longest, still not that comfortable.
They told me, nobody needs to know what's going on in our lives.
Nobody needs to know.
That's like an old story.
That's for us.
Whatever we're going through is for us.
That's not for them.
Really?
My mom was like, people could use it against you, which is kind of crazy thinking.
But I was just like, all right.
So I didn't tell anybody anything.
There's like an old saying, like, when a writer's born, the family dies.
You ever heard that?
No, because you got to kill the family.
Basically.
And I say Twitter again.
Like, shit, I'll allude to on this podcast.
Like, I want to bring it on stage.
But if I do, my family's getting phone calls.
Bro, it's so funny.
Like, Mark and I literally talking about this yesterday, but like growing up, my folks had no, I mean, you know, my folks.
My folks had no film.
Like during my wife's vows, my dad, who has, he's no short-term memory anymore, during my wife's vows to me, he interrupts her and goes, someone's getting lucky tonight.
Like my wife is mid-tears with her vows.
And he just interrupted for a fuck joke in front of her and my family and all of our friends.
So it's just like no filter.
My dad would joke around about like my mom and him not having enough sex or having sex.
Like, I've never had any filter, been able to tell them absolutely everything in my life.
Family Secrets Revealed00:04:31
So I don't know how to do small talk.
And when people do small talk, I get like uncomfortable to the point where like I just have to say something salacious so we can stop this fucking charade.
Yeah.
And then Mark, you were telling me that it was the opposite in your family.
Yeah, yeah.
That what was the purpose?
It was like.
Yeah, everything's nuanced.
Everything's like tongue-in-cheek, very Catholic upbringing.
Everything that everyone said was always like couched in something else, but it was all indirect.
So there's nothing head-on.
So then when people are super head-on, I'm like, geez, this guy is crazy.
We're head-on with each other, but nobody needs to know that part.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I just think it's really interesting.
So I guess you could say like it informs your comedy.
Yeah.
Oh, we were, we were very open.
We were like, I knew how, I know how to, it's interesting when you talk about like, I'm not good in like, I know how to make an entrance.
Yeah, we know.
I can make an entrance.
Yeah.
All the other shit I'm not good at.
You're like Australians.
Yeah.
Like Australians are fun for like five minutes.
Yeah.
And then after that, you're like, I get why the English left them, bro.
What the fuck?
My wife says I cast a large wake.
Like people, I get people, I can get people to dislike me so easily.
There's like a certain type of person that I drive up the fucking like who?
Anyone who also wants the attention.
They fucking hate me.
They hate me because I just, I don't leave a lot of room.
I'm a bull in the china shop.
I'm a lot.
It's like people, I remember, I remember a professional athlete.
I don't say his name.
He's a cool dude, but I remember him saying, he spent some time with me and then he met Tom and he goes, how can you be friends with Bert?
It hurt my feelings.
I've patched it up with this guy since.
And Tom's like, what do you mean?
He's like, how can you be around that for that long?
And Tom goes, I don't need to be him.
Tom is like the most confident in who he is guy in the world.
Tom is.
It's unbelievable.
He's a gangster.
He's a good person as a comic, especially.
Because you'd think that he would need all that energy.
But it's so clear that he finds you fucking hysterical and absurd.
Like, it's really funny to like watch him look at you and be like, wow, he isn't noticing this.
That fucking Kool-Aid thing that happened when you were drinking 64 ounces of Kool-Aid a day.
I never thought that was odd.
I never thought that was odd.
But after seeing Tom with his mom, it makes sense.
I think he's been around these like really big characters his whole life.
Dad, too.
Okay.
So like that, that to me goes, okay, Bert is an extension of these big characters and he knows how to be funny around them.
So it kind of fits perfectly.
My dad's like Tom.
My dad's like Tom.
My dad doesn't need to be center of attention, doesn't need anyone to, but me and my dad laugh like me and Tom.
Like me and my dad, there's a clip that went out of me trying to put a pizza in an oven.
I saw that clip.
Very funny.
And everyone's like, I always thought Bert's laugh was fake.
And then they're like, oh, his dad and him have an identical laugh.
We start laughing and then we say the word that made us laugh in the first place over and over and over again.
So like, so like one time Tom said we should go to Jennifer Anderson's house and he was like, should we bring our wives?
And I go, should we bring our wives?
He goes, no.
I go, can she bring a dude?
And he goes, yeah, for safety.
And then he said, maybe that's not the message we want to be putting out.
And I started laughing and I kept going for safety.
Cause I can visualize him saying it.
And I to repeat it.
My dad, when I went to put the pizza in the oven, I couldn't get it off the thing.
So I pulled it back out.
My dad goes, it's not done yet.
Like he thought that I thought it was done.
And I just kept going.
It's not done yet.
It's not done yet.
Yeah, man.
I just love.
I fucking, I don't know.
I don't know how any of that informs my comedy, but I just love to fucking laugh.
Do you love Tom?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So much so that I'd let him fuck me over.
Ooh, this is interesting.
So that's how you define your love.
So that's interesting.
Yeah.
So you would let him fuck you over once and you're like, you've, you have so much goodwill built up.
He has so much goodwill built up with you that you could look past it.
So I'll tell you this.
I'll tell you a true story.
I don't know if Tom knows this.
Early Touring Deals Signed00:09:55
So I signed before now everyone's signing touring deals, but I was the first person to sign a touring deal.
Yeah.
Like five, four, six years ago.
I don't know.
Four years ago.
It was considered foolish at that time.
Like no one did it.
And I signed it.
And I, for an exact number, and I told Tom about it.
And then I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
But I told Tom, he's my best friend.
I wanted to talk it through with him.
And then all of a sudden, someone, it got out that this deal was.
And so my team said, Tom told people.
And I said, no, he didn't.
And they said, he clearly did.
And I said, he didn't.
And it was a moment where I had to truly trust in my friendship.
And then Leanne goes, what if he did?
I go, honey, if he did, I don't care.
I still love him.
I go, I am forcing myself to believe the best in my friend.
Even though evidence is showing me otherwise, I believe him because I love him and I know he wouldn't do it.
And he didn't do it.
Turns out he didn't.
Everyone leaked it.
They all wanted to brag that they were doing this thing.
And then they wanted to blame someone.
And now everyone's signing fucking touring deals.
And you're like, so.
The music industry is slowly infiltrating comedy.
Dude, this game's changed.
It's unrecognizable.
I mean, we're sitting back there talking about lighting packages for arenas.
I mean, this game is, I walk in here and I look at this and I go, I said it when I walked in.
I said, this is what every comic will have one day.
One day.
Everyone will have this and this will be your business.
You probably won't have a manager the way we know them as managers today.
Maybe you'll hire someone, like a producer as a consultant.
It would be nice to have a consultant of like, say, fucking Mary Parent leaves legendary and you pay her a fucking million dollars a year as a consultant to look at your career and tell advise you on what projects to do.
You'll have a touring agent.
You'll never lose agents.
But I guarantee you that I guarantee you agents going to, I'll tell you what's going to happen.
Agents are going to team up and they're going to own their talent and they won't let their talent work with other people.
That's already happening.
I think management companies change drastically.
I think they're gone.
I think they're gone.
And I think it's because management companies were built around profiting or monetizing their talent through TV and film.
And now the comics like don't really have to do it.
Like you did a movie, but you didn't have to.
You probably lost money going to do it.
You lost a great deal of money.
Because you could have been touring and making crazy money.
I make, would I make more money in one night than I made doing that movie in three months?
Right.
So this is like a cool legacy thing to do.
And it's like a fun project.
And we should have.
I made a movie because I live in Hollywood.
And if I didn't make a movie, I'd be like, why didn't I make a movie?
I remember you telling me when I did Birdcast, you wanted to make a movie and you're making a movie just because you always set out to do it.
And it's great.
It's great to do it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is like the fact that we can make more money doing the thing that we love and their whole business apparatus is built around turning us into actors, right?
They're not running the tours.
The tours are run by Live Nation or they're run by Outback or they're run by the agencies.
So the management really doesn't play that much of a part in it.
I think the new model would be something kind of like what we're doing is like where my boy Dove is singularly focused on building this and all of us and everything that's going.
So instead of 50 other clients that they're like, every once in a while you get a call and they're like, you should post some stand-up on Instagram.
And I have 10% of that.
I mean, you're like, what a young man.
What do you think the internet has done?
I may have said this on this pod, but I think it just eliminated middlemen in every industry.
Like before, when you wanted to book a flight, you called a travel agent.
And I got a travel agent I love, but that's because I book a lot of flights for the most part, kayak.com.
And managers were kind of just middlemen.
Hey, there's a barrier to getting you famous.
I'm going to connect you with those guys.
I actually wonder.
I wonder if comics stop doing podcasts.
Ooh, I like this.
I think comics.
I don't think a lot of comics.
I love an idea that doesn't make sense to me immediately because I go, I want to hear it.
Because I don't think a lot of comics want to do podcasts.
I just think that they see what's successful and they're just replicating that thing so that they could have success.
And I don't think it's comic.
I think it's musicians.
I think it's everybody.
It's humans, right?
It's human beings, right?
So I think once they see that people are having success by posting stand-up clips, they'll go, oh, I could just post stand-up clips.
I don't have to do that other thing where like I talk to my friend.
Because here's the reality.
There's nobody that's successful at podcasting that doesn't enjoy the people they're talking to.
You got to like it.
Like you got to have an actual friend.
Like those things where they like connect a few people that don't really know each other and they try to make it a pod, even if they're famous.
That shit flames out so fast.
Because you find out.
You're like, oh, there's no real chemistry here.
They don't have any history.
It only works while you're excited to see the people you're working with.
That's it.
Tom and I were in Vegas yesterday at the MGM and I hadn't seen him in a while.
And you can't wait to talk about shit.
He goes, meet me at the Rolex store.
And I was like, oh, that's what I love about this guy.
And then we went in and he's dressed nice and he smells good and I'm fucking still sweating.
And then we went and we fucking went to the MGM.
We partied.
We hung out for like maybe three hours and then I fucking left and I was like, God.
And then he's coming out to LA.
You're right.
Here's the deal.
I'd argue the other way a little bit.
I think posting stand-up clips is going to go away first.
Posting stand-up clips, and I'm the one saying this.
Yeah.
It might be the end of stand-up.
Thank you.
And I'm not against people doing it.
But what I will.
There's, oh, there's so much that we can unpack here.
It might be, and I'm not against doing, like, listen, I'm the biggest proponent.
I tell every one of my friends, like, listen, build your career, get some stand-up out there.
But I think people think that you just throw anything up and then you become successful.
And it's like the bar's gotten low.
It's gotten real low.
And I think that the very important thing to remember when you're posting something is you're giving an example of what your shows are like.
And you're hoping that somebody sees it and then they come out to your show.
When they see the machine story, they go, I would like to experience that.
That's really fun.
When they see you post a great story, a great bit, a great piece of crowd work, great being the most important word, they go, I would like to be there.
If you post garbage, you're giving them the reason not to come to the show.
Yeah.
There's people two years in posting clips and I'm like, yo, God bless the ambition.
But come on.
And there's some people that are fucking killing it.
Don't get me wrong.
This is the sad thing about it is that like, there's like some like.
People who are doing an amazing job and they're fucking selling out theaters.
And like, if you look at all the comics right now that are doing well, I'm talking about the next generation of comics.
They're all comics from YouTube specials and posting clips online.
So it's the top of the top, but it's also the bottom of the bottom.
Well, I've been in, I've been in my bunk scrolling through stand-up clips going like, I'm not funnier than these people.
Like there's, there's some great comics out there, but then I've been in my bunk going, what the fuck is this person doing?
Now, I say, I benefit from the fact that I don't post stand-up clips.
So they have to see you.
So then when you see Razzle Dazzle, people are like, I mean, I'm being serious.
The feedback's been very positive.
And part of me goes, yes, it is good.
The other part of me goes, yeah, but I'm not, you don't ever see me do that.
Like I'm, you know, when you go on my social media, you never get to see me do stand-up.
You can only see me live or on Netflix.
So when you do see it, you go, you go, wow.
Oh, wow.
I forgot he does stand-up almost.
You thought he was just a guy who promoted fucking shows.
You're at a different, you're at a different level, though, where you already have fans.
There are already curiosity about you.
And you've already built a thing where people are like, I want to know what's going on with that thing.
You know what I mean?
Whereas somebody that has to come up has to find their machine or has to find their specials, have to finally do it.
So you do have to do it at a certain point.
Yeah.
I mean, posting the machine.
I posted from that special on Showtime.
I posted the machine.
Yeah, you made it off a clip.
Yeah, I made it off a clip.
Yeah.
I don't know anyone who's made it not off a clip in like the last five years.
Okay, so here's my maybe Nate Bargazzi.
Nah, clips during pandemic.
Oh, that's right.
He was killing with that.
Dude, Sebastian, close the fuck up with a clip.
So there's only one way now to like make it in the left.
But you need a body of work behind you.
Exactly.
So you need one thing.
You need one explosion to get people to Google you.
And then you need to see the rest of the body of work.
So like for Rogan, I would argue Rogan was the Mencia shit.
And then all of a sudden, everyone was like, oh, fuck.
He's a comic.
Because everyone thought he was the Fear Factor guy.
Bill Burr is the Philly rant.
Yeah.
Jim Jeffries getting punched in the head.
He was telling Chrissy D about this.
Shout out to Chrissy D. Also, Chrissy D got a new show on Vice.
Make sure you guys go check out Chrissy D's new show on Vice.
And he lost his glasses.
And we got to find them in his glasses.
There's no way you could ever buy those specific types of glasses.
You've only made one pair of those glasses.
But he had this 9-11 story that he did at the seller.
And I remember seeing it and going, yep, he got one.
And it's like, it is the fucking portal.
It is the vacuum, the well.
And everybody who watches it gets dropped in there and gets thrown all this other stuff that Chrissy has.
It's brilliant.
And they go to the bottom.
I'd even argue, don't walk away from the thing that got you famous.
Like, lean into it.
Because I've had people tell me.
Would you?
I've had people go, hey, would you, Bert, lean into the thing?
People tell me all the time not to tell the machine story.
No, go with it.
Dude, I've had the biggest comics in this business tell me you need to retire that story.
And I go, you don't go to my shows.
Ari Shafir one time told me, you know, you have to stop telling that, right?
A real comic wouldn't tell it.
The 9-11 Glasses Portal00:06:18
And I went, okay.
So we were doing a storytelling show up in Calgary and he brings me up.
I tell the thing and they're yelling the machine.
I go, no, Ari said I need to retire it.
Ari went on stage after and he could not get a word out.
They would not let him speak.
He goes, no, he goes, fuck it.
Fuck it.
I was wrong.
I'm wrong.
Come and tell it.
But yeah, like I've had comics tell me, please stop telling that story.
I've had managers.
They just don't get it.
They just don't get it.
They never had that experience with you.
I would argue if you, if people don't.
That's frustrating, though.
Like, people, because it's like they're judging your stand-up and it's like they're acting like you don't write enough.
It's like, motherfucker, come to the show and then tell me I don't write enough.
Can you tell me what you were telling me yesterday?
Can you tell me what we were telling me yesterday when we were just talking about shit that frustrates you?
Can you tell about that?
He said the funniest fucking thing.
Cause I was just like, we're just talking about shit that kind of like, let's not write jokes.
Let's just be frustrated and like just vent on that, right?
Because I think that's where the shit comes from.
And, you know, Mark has been only with his wife, right?
That's the only girl he's been with, right?
And like, sometimes people judge him.
Yeah.
He said this fucking, I almost, I want you to say it.
Wait, what's more specifically about getting married young?
No, no, no, no.
He goes, he goes, everybody makes this big deal about like all the women I haven't had sex with.
He goes, but they never talk about all the dicks that haven't been in my wife.
And it was like, it was like anger.
It was like visceral anger coming out of it.
Haven't been in my wife.
And he's just like, think about the dicks that have been in your wives.
And it was just this beautifully angry but like logical feeling.
Dude, that would fuck me up in relationships.
Yes.
I would break up with chicks based on people they fucked because I go, how could you fuck him?
If you fucked him, then you think I'm like that?
Yeah.
I'm better than that.
It's a reflection on you ultimately.
And if a chick's had anal sex, fuck you.
No, I gotta fuck you in the ass.
And I don't even want to.
But you take it in the ass.
Fuck, dude.
Amen, man.
And it was one of those beautiful things where it's just like this visceral feeling that you have.
And it kind of like poured out of him.
Yeah.
That was great, great.
That's great.
Yeah, I couldn't.
I said to Joe the other day.
I don't know.
I don't know why I said this.
I said, did you guys, did you and your wife talk about how many people you had sex with before you had sex the first time?
And he goes, no.
And Joe's, Joe's one of those people, of course, that goes, I am, I move, I don't deal in the past.
I move from this part forward.
And I was like, yeah, I did ask my wife how many people she slept with.
Oh my God.
Don't do that.
I was back.
I was back.
Dude, I was so concerned with how many?
How many?
How many?
Not many, not many, not many.
Can you tell a similar number?
Very similar number.
What's the cheek clap count?
What's that?
What's the cheek clap?
How many individual claps?
Does that count?
How many?
It's like a Harambe thing.
Oh, yeah, That shit's fire.
You're doing it, Bert.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
You're doing it.
Let's get lit, man.
Let's get lit.
Let's get the young audience out there shows.
Epstein did it.
Yes.
I don't know if that really happened.
Hillary Clinton was on the planes.
Yes.
Chelsea Halo went to those parties.
Yes, Bert.
You're nailing it.
See what Chelsea had to defend that she didn't fucking know what she said.
I don't remember.
They were at her wedding.
There's Epstein and fucking Maxwell at the wedding.
Oh, no.
No, my wife's number is two more than me.
Eight.
Yeah, You know his number?
Yeah.
You do our research.
It's not a fucking hard one to remember.
Yeah, single digits.
Single ditch?
Do you count the one where you came on her thigh?
Because I guess that would make it five.
I don't count.
I have a weird count.
Like, I don't count blowjobs.
I don't count fooling around.
For yourself or for her?
For me.
It had to be penetrative.
I'm fucking you.
Yeah.
Like, there's a lot of chicks where you fucked around like in high school.
How many girls did you actually successfully fuck?
Because a lot of times you probably fucked the cheeks.
Six.
Yeah.
Tanya, can I get a LaCroix?
Can you get a check?
With another little beer?
Yeah, I'll take another beer, please.
And another beer.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because you know it's hard dick season.
Matter of fact, every season is hard dick season and Blue Chew is providing it, okay?
Blue Chew got your back.
Same act of ingredients as inside by Yagara Sea House, but this is the one that's going to make sure that that girl you sleep with for the first time isn't let down, okay?
Matter of fact, you probably bust it up real quick.
Busting out real quick.
You're embarrassed.
You need to re-up and get back in the game.
What?
Oh, wow.
Blue Chew got your back.
To the bathroom, gobble, gobble.
Few minutes later, bang, game time.
Signed, seal, delivered.
Completely forgot about you busting all fast.
Blue Chew has got your back.
And you're going to get it for free.
First month for free.
All you got to do is pay $5 shipping.
Bluechew.com.
Make sure you use the promo code Flavorant.
That's the best deal in the business.
Now let's get back to the show.
All right, guys, we take a break for a second.
You're going to need a tuxedo in your life.
Okay?
You're going to need a tuxedo in your life.
More than once, maybe some of you guys are at the age where you're starting to get married.
Your friends are going to say, listen, there's a dress code at the wedding.
You know, you saw my wedding.
There's a dress code.
Okay.
Akash's wedding.
There's a dress code.
If you need a Tux, the Black Tux has got your back.
Let me explain what the Black Tux can do.
Okay.
Not only are they going to let you rent a Tux, if you tried it on and it doesn't fit and you do it within the time window, they can send you another size where it actually fits you before you go to this wedding, this event.
It could be your wedding.
Okay.
And if you love the Tux.
Also, I have a question about the early Rogan days.
It's cool that Rogan like teed you up for the machine story.
Yeah.
Yes.
The early days that you were doing Rogan, what is that like?
Like the first time you do it, do you think it's anything?
Dude.
Oh, no.
Oh, it's not.
How early were you?
Walk us through the whole thing.
What was the pod like?
What did it look like?
Etc.
So fucking cool.
Yeah.
You'd go to his house.
He'd meet you at the front door.
Kids running around.
Wife, dogs.
And the first time I, now I was a fan of the show.
So he invited me to do the show.
I can't tell you how early it was.
It was early enough that no one, it wasn't like huge yet.
Right.
Rogan Machine Days00:14:21
He was still, he was selling flashlights on it.
Yeah.
Oh, he had ads and stuff.
Flashlights.
That was the specific.
Flashlights.
Just the only ads flashlights.
Just flashlights because Aubrey Marcus is, I think his dad ran sex stores.
Right.
And says, what the fuck?
Listen, you got a great friend in South Carolina.
I just want to let you know.
You have a great friend.
Hey, let's see.
Get in there.
Good over.
Slide over.
Slide over.
Who loves you so much?
I've never seen.
I've never seen Bert look this uncomfortable.
But I called up Tom.
I said, Tom, won't there be something fun we could do with Bert?
Because he goes, oh, he hates balloons and he hates collapse.
You can't smell that.
You can't smell that.
Smell the balloons.
What?
You can't smell that?
I'm being that serious.
I didn't smell a balloon.
They're going to start popping, dude.
They're going to start popping.
I'm going to have to leave.
I'm being that serious.
I'm going to have to leave.
Hey, hey, don't stand at that door.
Stand at that door.
Okay.
They're going to start popping.
Listen.
Can we leave one balloon?
Give me the beer.
No, You got to drink more.
Let's chug.
Let's chug.
Chug this, get them in the oven.
They're really going to pop.
They really are.
Because there are many lights.
No, those aren't even hot lights.
What's going to happen if they pop, dude?
It's just going to make a noise.
Oh, dude.
What is that?
That little screen.
Okay, it smells so much better.
I'm being serious if you didn't smell that.
No, I smells anything.
Are you being serious right now?
Yes, I'm being serious.
I'm like shaking parties.
I'm like fucking shaking.
You have tears in your eyes.
Let's just drink, bro.
You can have this room too if you need.
This will calm your nerves.
Here, I'll drink with you.
I'll take yours, Akash.
Here, cheers.
The clown has been removed from the room.
Let's have a cheers.
Fucking real.
Okay.
Hold on.
Hold on, Bert.
You know what's funny is the last time you were on here, we gave you like pro-Russia memorabilia and shit.
I would suck Putin's cock right now to fucking never have that happen again.
I'm shaking.
I'm like shaking.
Hold your hand and hold your hand.
I know about waiting.
I know they're in here.
I know that it can happen again.
That was dove.
Okay.
Don't give a fuck who it was.
I don't know how.
So you have a fear of clowns?
Cons and balloons.
Why balloons?
I don't know.
I have no idea.
I have no idea.
Is it because the condom broke that one time?
I don't know.
No, it was way before that.
I got it as a kid.
What happened?
I don't know.
Did you watch it yet?
Nope.
Oh, no.
I never watched that fucking movie.
I would never watch that fucking movie.
Hey, just do me a favor.
For real.
Promise me he's not coming back in.
He's not coming.
He's not coming.
I swear to God he's not coming back in.
He's not coming back.
I swear to God, he's not coming back in.
He's sweating.
And why don't you like clowns?
You just can't trust them.
You can't trust them.
Did you know about this?
I tried to stop it.
Thank you.
You're such a fucking confident.
So for my birthday, for myself.
We have to give, first of all, Tom needs credit for this.
I don't want to act like we did it alone.
Tom deserves credit for this.
Oh, that's so cool.
Remember when I said I let him fuck me over?
Yeah.
Well, you were right.
We waited for you to say that on camera.
You're lucky I love you more than you love me, Tom.
Now, we do have one more thing that we have to tell you.
It's just one more thing.
What you've been drinking is a lie.
Is it not...
I'm just fucking non-alcoholic beer?
Well, yeah, but damn, I thought we could trick you into thinking it got spiked.
But yeah, we spiked it with non-alcohol.
We unspiked.
We unspiked it.
So I've just been gaining calories.
Oh, wait, now you care about calories, Bert?
Jesus, fuck.
So I've just been sipping on bread.
Fucking Jesus.
Buddy, you think I started drinking for you?
Don't you not get into like your heaven if you drink it?
Your family suns you and they put a tire around your neck and light you on fire or something when I don't know how their religion works.
I'm fucking, I am off.
I am off.
And that's why he brought in a real fucking drink.
Oh, you motherfuckers.
I'm sitting here just gaining calories going, why isn't it?
How bad is my drinking that I can't?
I mean, stop acting like you're health conscious, Bert.
No, he wants to get it.
Tom fucking healthy as shit right now.
I want steroids.
Are you on the fucking juice?
Don't harm.
Which juice?
You're trying to get a juice on the pod, too.
Yeah.
Akash getting on peptide.
Is it orange juice?
Yeah, I'm on tea.
I'm waiting on my shit.
Wait, are you on testosterone?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's awesome.
Really?
How you feel?
Fucking amazing.
Does it allow you to smell things that don't exist?
No.
No.
But hang on.
You did not smell.
I smelt it the second she walked in the room.
I smelled them.
Well, you also saw them.
No, I know, but the smell is what bothers me.
The smell, the touching, and their unpredictability.
As soon as you do that, as soon as you inflate that thing, then all of a sudden, it has the possibility to explode like a drunk alcoholic father.
Like a fucking time.
Now we're getting there.
For my 49th birthday, Rosebud Baker.
I was on tour with us and she thought it'd be a good idea.
These idiots thought it'd be a good idea to fill my bed, my bunk with balloons to surprise me.
She didn't know you were afraid of it.
She didn't know I was afraid of them.
And the fucking, I came in and I fucking melted down.
And it's my tour bus and it was my bunk.
It was my bunk.
Dude, I've had this happen so many times.
On my 40th birthday, I was in Australia and the Board of Tourism wanted to surprise me.
So they put, they filled my entire room with balloons, my entire fucking room.
And so I was like, and I couldn't, I had nowhere to put them because it's in a hotel room.
So now I'll come home drunk and I'm in my rooms full of balloons and I'm fucking melting down.
And my wife said, I call my wife and I go, I need to, I was like, I don't know what to do.
And she goes, just have another drink and pass out.
You'll be fine.
Just put them on the roof.
They'll be fine in your bedroom.
I couldn't get.
And so I, and then middle of the night, the helium on all of them died at the exact same time.
And in the middle of the night, every balloon in the room landed on me in the bed.
I lost it.
I lost it.
I lost it so fucking bad.
Fuck.
It's okay.
You're safe now.
You're safe.
I'm never safe.
We gotta go.
I'm never safe.
I'm never safe.
Never safe from balloons and clowns.
I will never do the show ever again.
I will never, ever step foot in the studio.
It's so nice knowing you guys.
It's just chunky.
It's just check out my special Razzled Dazzle.
That was the name of the clown, actually.
My movie, The Machine.
It's coming out Memorial Day weekend.
It's amazing.
It's amazing.
It was crazy.
Four silhouettes, four sills.
It's amazing how like how it really hit me.
I don't know if you saw it.
Like I'm right now.
I'm just starting to relax just a titch.
But first of all, how much is a titch?
Not much.
Now, Bert.
I know the balloons are in this.
I have to walk past them.
No, we put them on.
The daughters have never been allowed to have balloons.
No way.
So their birthdays, they never had a clown or a balloon or anything.
Hold on.
No one's getting a fucking clown.
That's the dumbest fucking thing.
Yeah.
Have you ever had a clown?
No.
No, that shit is fire, dude.
My friends had clowns at their birthday.
Your parents didn't bring a clown in.
It's like the whitest thing in the world.
No, it's my friend's parents, but it was fire.
The clown was fired.
He rubbed his fucking leg on a coloring book, opened it up, and pages were blank.
Crazy.
Never forget that shit.
What about magic?
How do you feel about magic?
I don't mind magic.
I like magic.
You can trust magic, but not clowns?
Yeah, I don't know.
Dude, you know what's funny?
Is Tom texted me?
He goes, hey, you should do the balloon clown thing later in the episode because he's going to get real jittery.
And I just sent back, ha thinking that he was just busting balls.
But like, it has changed you emotionally.
Yeah.
It's fucking great.
Who do you hate more?
Us or Ari?
Yeah, would you have rather we spiked?
We thought we were doing a nice thing unspiking the drink.
We unspiked your drinks.
Really?
Yeah.
So funny, I didn't even look at the cans.
I was drinking.
Well, you were leaving the whole can in the beginning.
No, he opened those stells great.
He opened up the fridge also.
But shouts to Tanya, she hid all the non-alcoholic beers behind the stellis.
It was good.
That was good.
Yeah, I probably, I'm not even fucking around.
I'm not even fucking around.
I trust Ari more than I trust you guys because I can't promise that you'll never do something like that again.
Like, I know Ari pulled me aside one time and he goes, you have to know I'll never drug you again.
And I went, I do believe that.
But with us, how do you feel?
Like, I just don't trust you.
Like, what do you think that we would do?
Like, for example, at the Forrest Hill show, you don't think we would hire like a hundred clowns to sit front row or anything, right?
Oh, I'll toss them.
I'll toss them on the street.
Daniel Tosh right there?
I'll fucking Daniel toss them.
Listen, they're all gonna get in the same car and drive away.
This will be the biggest clip you ever had of me ever.
I'm being serious.
Because there's no, I can't, I'm not turning anything on right now.
I'm being 100% me.
This is 100% me.
When my wife sees this, my wife's gonna go, oh, fuck, they didn't do that, did they?
Fuck.
Well, Tom did it.
We had nothing to do with it, really.
Hey, hey, Schultz, why do you and Bert not talk to each other anymore?
Well, we brought seven balloons in during the episode.
Wasn't seven.
That wasn't seven.
How many?
What did it smell like?
I'm being dead serious.
You guys didn't smell it?
A dozen?
Oh, man, the smell is what fucking got me.
The clown.
I mean, what bothered you more?
The clowns or clowns?
That touch you or the balloons that you're talking about?
I couldn't.
Probably the balloons.
So the balloons, it's like an allergy for you.
No, no, it's just, I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
You can't trust them.
You ever seen a blimp?
He talks about one of the good you're you can't trust him.
You're good with blimps?
Yeah, I was in.
This all sounds like euphemisms for Jewish people, but you actually mean the thing.
What's that?
You can't trust clowns, dude.
No, no, just clowns are, man.
It just doesn't make any sense where someone would do that to themselves.
Napargasi's dad, I think, is a clown.
Oh, yeah.
He is for certain.
And a magician.
And I almost couldn't become friends with him.
With Nate.
Because I couldn't understand how he could have that in his family.
And I'm not even fucking around.
He was made from clowns permanent.
You couldn't understand how Nate could have it in his family.
But he was.
I couldn't get it.
And then I love Nate.
And when I met Nate, it was like the first thing.
I go, your dad's like a clown, right?
And he goes, yeah.
And he was really proud of it.
He's really proud of his dad.
And his dad actually is, apparently, I'll never see it, but an amazing performer.
He opens for him.
He opens for Nate sometimes.
He opens for him.
But I just couldn't wrap my head around it.
I went home at the chick.
She was going to be seven.
Or she was going to be six.
My wife is seven.
The number of girl you were going to have.
I was going to have sex with this girl.
Bro, the way you allude to fucking kids without even trying is crazy.
What did I say?
Earlier, you were like.
Let's start the sentence over.
Yeah.
Let's do it again.
I was fucking what would have been the seventh woman I've ever had sex with.
God damn it.
Yeah.
Because before you just said.
Let's change subjects.
Before you just said, don't tell us we're not friends, Bert, because we're fixing these sentences.
Exactly.
We're going to tell us we're not friends.
I'm definitely not doing fucking Logan Paul's podcast now.
Or what's his name?
Not Logan Paul, the other one.
Jared Paul, Jake Paul.
So Logan Paul, Logan Paul, Logan Paul.
I'm definitely not doing that fucking podcast.
I think that they would do some jokes because this is the Harambe generation.
This is the Harambe generation.
I'm going to do his fucking thing, and he's going to have a clown come in.
Because this action, this is how everyone's a fucking...
What?
I went home with the chick one time.
Yeah.
And she was beautiful, lived in Venice.
And she said, you know, can I show you what I do?
This is a bizarre story.
And she put in clown porn.
She had shot a documentary on clown porn.
And I'm not even joking.
Vince Vaughn was in it.
Like he was like, he was like as an extra in the back.
She was friends with Vince Vaughn.
And these two clowns were like, and I literally, I was like, what the fuck?
I got to get out.
And Vince was with my buddy, Gary Arbach.
And I go, is that Kerry R. Back?
She goes, yeah, you know Kerry R. Back?
He goes, is that been fun?
And then I saw the clowns and I was like, oh, and I just walked out.
I was like, I'm going to have to leave right now.
Why would they ruin sex like that?
You know?
Why did she want to show you?
I have no fucking clue.
You guys went home to have sex.
And then as like a little like four-player.
I was like, can I show you something?
And then she put in clown porn.
Hey, buddy, you okay?
Take a deep breath.
Helicopter Panic Attack00:13:02
We're not bringing the balloons back.
I promise you.
No more balloons.
There's no more clowns.
Deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth.
You know what I mean?
Indian things.
You got this, man.
You can conquer anything, bro.
Are you interested in getting over it, like through therapy?
Nope.
Not even.
Nope.
Like immersion therapy, nothing.
You're just cool just living your life, never being around a balloon.
I don't need to be around.
Don't, do that.
I'm not doing that.
I just saw you lick your bottom whip, and that was, you know what I mean?
No, I did that because you were laughing at me thinking about what they were.
I already made a promise to him that there's no more clowns and no more balloons.
Yeah.
We're making a drink.
Actual drink?
We'll bring you an actual drink.
Pete, Pete, we need another drink.
We need another drink, Pete.
You don't have a show tonight, do you?
Because I'm worried you're not going to be able to.
I'm going to produce a special.
Shout out to Shane Torres.
Shane Torres shooting a special time.
I can't believe I can't turn it around.
I'm shut down.
I'm like, shut down.
But this is beautiful.
How often do people get this version of Burke Kreischer?
Never.
If you're on an airplane with me, you'll get it.
Oh, are you afraid to airline?
I'm terrified of flying.
Oh, that's why you did the tour bus.
Oh, that's why you did the tour bus.
Ah.
But you went on the Goodyear blimp?
It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
I jumped out of a blimp as a child.
What?
Yeah.
That's, yeah.
Okay.
Let's do that.
We were taking off and I was like, I'm not doing this.
And I just jumped out and they had to reland that shit.
Really?
Yeah, because I was like, I don't play.
This is stupid.
This makes no sense.
It takes super slow.
Yeah.
So you're literally.
Oh, that sounds awful.
It is fucking terrifying.
It's like, yeah, it's like we're not even going to outspace.
Like this.
It is terrifying.
And I thought it would be, I thought I'd be fine with it.
And I wasn't, man.
I fucking, it was one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had in my entire fucking life.
And then you just hang.
Yep.
You just hang.
Makes no sense at all.
The only more terrifying I've been, we were in a helicopter, we went to the mother of Guadalupe up in Rio.
Oh.
Virgin Mary.
Isn't it Jesus?
The Jesus?
Is it Jesus?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so we went, that's funny.
And so we went up in a helicopter to it.
I think it's like fucking 12,000 feet or something.
Yeah, it's crazy.
And then he just took the helicopter out over Brazil and he said, I have to wait here for a second.
And we just didn't go anywhere.
We just sat.
And I was like, dude, I was like, we need to get the fucking.
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of helicopters for that reason.
Planes in my mind, I can convince myself that like if the engines go, they can use the speed.
We hear stories of guys landing planes on lakes.
I don't think a jumbo jet can do that.
But we hear the story.
I never hear a story of a helicopter landing safely in the ocean.
They have this thing called Blade, right?
And you can take a helicopter from the West Side Highway to Japanese.
You can't do that, right?
And it's like twice as much as an Uber, but you're there in literally five minutes.
We took a helicopter from LAX to Burbank one time because I was only home for 12 hours and I wanted to get the girls before they went to bed.
And it was one of the coolest things I ever did.
It's great.
It's so fast.
It's awesome.
But I can't stop thinking, there's no fail-safe for this.
If the engine goes.
I'm feeling better.
Okay, good.
It was funny.
I can, I can, the alcohol.
I need to get there.
I need to get there.
Are you able to finish the early Rogan stories?
No.
I don't know.
Did we do it in the middle of those?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He wasn't listening.
He was pulling at you.
I'm not 100% here yet.
No, no, no, we're getting there.
Okay, so the helicopter thing.
So all I can't, I can't stop thinking about.
I don't fuck this up with the clown club.
No, no, no.
He's not coming.
If I leave, it's to pee.
I'm not going to bring anything.
I already told you there's no more clowns and no more balloons.
And we'll make sure there's none when they get out.
When you get out, when you finish.
Okay, but the helicopter thing.
I can't.
There you go.
You like it.
Because you appreciate how funny it is.
First of all.
Can I tell you something?
And you'll be really happy about this.
You'll be really happy about this.
That clown that we just showed right there is antiquated.
They no longer have those clowns available.
We tried to get a real clown to come.
We reached out to every clown company in New York.
This is a good story.
Clowning is done.
We had to fabricate a clown because we no longer have rentable clowns.
I love to hear that.
You're like about that.
You're like Walter White at the end of Breaking Bad Season 4.
I won.
You won, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, I, man.
Think about that.
Think about how terrifying John Wayne gaze he was.
Oh my God.
Do you think he ruined clowns or was it already funny?
I think he is the beginning of ruining clowns.
I would be curious.
I would be really curious to see why I don't like clowns because I don't know.
I can't look into it.
I can't identify it.
You ever do like mushrooms, like mushroom therapy?
I've done everything.
No, I'm not doing.
I don't know if I, I don't know if.
You don't strike me as a therapy guy.
I'm in therapy.
Yeah.
New or you've done it.
Better help.
I've done it.
I've done it a lot.
Therapy is very useful for me, but I see you laughing and I have to look over my fucking shoulder.
No, fucking clown.
I'm going to go P, but I swear to God, I'm not going back without.
There's no clown.
Oh, God.
Therapy is super useful.
It's great.
It's helpful to pinpoint the stuff that, like, flying, for instance, flying.
I went to therapy to try to fix my fear of flying.
And the therapist said, well, when was the last time you flew?
I said, fucking Monday.
She goes, so you do it?
And I said, yeah.
And she goes, well, then you don't have a problem.
You just don't like flying.
And I went, yeah, but I have a terrible fear of flying.
She goes, yeah, a lot of people do.
But if you can do it, then that's, then you're there.
You're doing it.
Yeah.
You're figuring my thing with flying is I drink.
I've had plane flights where I wasn't drinking that where it's turbulence.
And I, dude, I've, I've sobbed crying on a sober October.
I had to fly to Minneapolis doing the Target Center or whatever.
And I can't drink and we're taking the fucking red eye and it's horrific turbulence.
And I'm in first class, 49 years old, crying my eyes out, crying my eyes out, shaking, holding on.
I'm so bad.
I will grab the person's leg next to me.
I have a horrible fear of, I have a fear of death, really.
Yeah, okay.
Because ultimately what it comes down to is I have a terrible fear of death.
Now, has this increased with success?
My fears?
Fear of death.
Yes.
I understand that.
What is it?
I think it's like you get to taste this life that is oftentimes unimaginable.
And you're like, I don't, I don't want to lose this.
And not only that, you have children, you have a wife.
Like there's all this life you get to live with them, all these things you get to see with them.
And doing something frivolous, doing something dumb, doing something like fucking skydiving or whatever like that.
The reward of that is what?
You land and you have an exhilarating moment.
The risk is you throw away all this you've worked for.
Like, I can completely understand that.
Yeah, I have a, I have a, I would say, uh Dev, you got to get out of here.
I did it to ease him.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
As soon as I saw you in here, I was like, okay, it's not happening again.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he's still going to remember.
No, no, no.
It's perfect.
He's still going to remember that you're.
Get out, But now you know there's no more clowning.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Go on.
That is crazy that that is a.
But don't you think that's crazy?
That's crazy that like, that's crazy that that actually happens to me, that I don't have control over it.
Control over?
Over when the clown in the balloon showed up, that I shut down and I can't write my boat for a little while.
That's crazy that that's a thing that I have no control over.
Yeah, but that's the phobias.
No, but that's, I don't know.
I think that's the most entertaining thing.
It's like.
Do you have any phobias?
Oh, I definitely wouldn't say them out loud now.
Homo count?
What?
I said, does homo count?
No, no, no.
Do I have any phobias?
Yeah, yeah, I have a huge fear of heights.
I do not fuck with heights at all.
Oh, I'm a claustrophobic.
Okay, I'm claustrophobic and I have a fear of heights.
I don't fuck with heights.
I got stuck on the train for almost an hour once.
It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
And now anytime the train stops, I freak the fuck out.
Dude, I'll tell you what, my claustrophobia is so bad, I have a hard time scuba diving.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm not getting scuba diving.
Get that fucking mask.
Like, like me and Rachel Ray were supposed to go scuba diving with sharks, and they sent over the Rachel's claustrophobic, and they sent over the, you have to dive like a hood.
Yeah, And I was like, I can't do that.
You would prefer to use just the oxygen.
Just the oxygen.
Yeah, just the oxygen.
Have you seen the guy who goes up?
They go up in, I forget who did it, but he went up in a U-2 plane.
He went up in one of the spy planes that goes out of the atmosphere.
So they had to wear a helmet, like a spaceman's helmet.
And they're watching him and he goes, okay, my nose is itching.
And immediately I went, oh my God, like he, cause he can't get to his nose.
No, fuck.
Yeah, dude.
So the guy goes, just don't think about it.
And he's like, no, but it's itching really bad.
I was like, fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, claustrophobia is a motherfucker.
I didn't understand claustrophobia.
And then I just got this MRI recently on my shoulder.
Fuck?
Dude, fuck.
I had one of those.
All you had to do is your arm, right?
No, I was rolled into it.
Did you read the whole thing for you?
Yeah.
Dude, I think the arm was an option.
Dude, I did just the arm.
Mine was my elbow.
Was my shoulder, my elbow.
So I had to put my arm in there for like, I want to say like 30 minutes or 45 minutes.
I was in there forever.
And I panic would hit me.
And I could feel it well up, like going, here we go.
We're going to have a panic stack right now.
And then I'd go, and I took a Xanax before I went, and it still didn't fucking help.
Oh, I would eat Xanax.
Oh, man.
Explain to me.
So the MRI machine is just on your, you can do whatever you want over here.
You have to put your arm in.
But they tell you you can't move.
It's the not moving thing that's the problem.
If I had my arm in some machine and I could kind of like roll around and do whatever, I'd be okay.
But when I was rolling.
No, no, no, you had to stay still.
You have to stay still.
That's fucking crazy.
I'm back like this.
I'm in this little tube and I can't, and I can't get a full breath.
And I'm sure this is a function of claustrophobia, but I can't get a full breath.
And I feel like, oh, well, if I could move a little bit, I could get one.
But I'm breathing it like it feels like 80% of a full breath.
So now I'm in this little panic where I'm like, well, how do I get that last fucking 20%?
Am I going to pass out in here?
I had to tap out.
Halfway through, I had to tap out, go back in to finish it.
I literally think I'm in it.
My logical brain, and riding the train, still gets stuck for four or five minutes.
My logical brain is like, nothing is going to happen.
And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm going to run out of oxygen.
I told my wife on like our third date, if we ever got stuck in an elevator for 30 seconds, you would never respect me again.
Dude, you would never respect me again.
It would be the most embarrassing thing.
Because she got stuck on a train with me one time.
She put her hand on my chest just like calm me down.
She said, your heart was fucking pounding.
Dude, I got stuck in an elevator with a bunch of Japanese men.
If you think panic sounds bad in English, panic in Japanese is like fucking kicking cats.
Like it was, and I, and I was like, and they started freaking out, and then it's making me worse.
And I opened the doors to the elevator, opened the doors to the elevator, and opened the other doors and climbed out on the most, the most dang.
I was like, I would 100% try to do that.
I wouldn't be strong enough.
I'd fall to the bottom, but I would try to do it.
Let's go panic for panic.
I was in a top thrill drag, top fuel dragster, right?
Top fuel dragster.
So it's a drag race.
So they put you in.
I'm riding, I'm just a passenger.
First of all, you're in a, in a flame retardant suit, zip up, right?
Put the helmet on, gloves on.
They put you in, they five-point harness you, and then they, then they strap your hands to your neck so that you can't, because you're going to reach out and grab something.
They don't want you to touch anything.
So your hands are here.
I'm not doing that.
So they put me on all the stuff and then they go, all right, we'll get back to you.
And I go, hold on.
I need out of here.
And they're like, well, he's going to be here in a second.
I go, I need out of here right now.
I need you.
I'll tell you, panic for panic.
This is the worst.
This is the worst.
I'm doing this show called Scream If You Know the Answer.
It's a game show on roller coasters.
The roller coaster they put us in is out at Magic Mountain in LA.
It's the one where you stand up, they harness you in, and then they put you in Superman.
Superman.
So you fly through it.
They have a vest on me to hold a camera, a GoPro mount, and a mic.
And I'm like really tight into this thing.
We pull into the station.
We're the second, we're like one car out and we're sitting there and someone goes, wonder what's going on.
And they're like, all right, we're having a little problem.
We're going to bring you in in a second.
They bring us in.
The floor raises and they go, all right.
We're having a problem with the releases.
It shouldn't be a big deal.
We have to wait until the guy, the head mechanic's going to come out and he'll fix it.
He'll be here shortly.
Spelunking in Switzerland00:11:50
And I said, excuse me, can you just undo mine?
And they said, no, we need to do them all at the same time.
I said, yeah, but I'm having a little bit of a panic attack.
And so the lady who's running it comes over and goes, it's going to be okay.
You're the safest place you can be, but he's on his way.
I said, where is he at the park?
She goes, he's in his home in Tarzana.
No, boy.
No fucking way.
It's five o'clock.
It's fucking five o'clockers in Tarzana.
And I'm out.
Oh, God, LA traffic.
Fuck me.
I was in this thing for 45 fucking minutes in this thing like this, facing down.
I mean, melting down.
The woman, the poor woman, had to sit underneath me and hold my hand and I was crying.
I'm the host of the show.
I'm fucking the host of the show.
And I'm freaking out.
I don't want to die.
Can someone call me a, can you sing me a song or something?
Can I distract me?
I'm fucking.
Oh, I've had so many.
You know what's even worse than that?
Have you ever been stuck?
You're making deep snow.
Have you ever been stuck in deep snow?
No.
And so we go, we go, we go hella skiing in Switzerland.
We go up to like fucking 10,000 feet, 12,000 feet, whatever the fuck it is.
Air's thin.
I'm hungover.
We're all on snowboards and they put beacons on our chests.
I go, what's the beacon for?
He goes, it's better to locate the body.
I said, what?
He goes, locate the body.
Am I saying it right?
Say you fall into a crevasse.
I can find your body, right?
I said that right, right?
And I'm like, find my body.
What do you mean, find your body?
And he goes, it's for us.
It's not for you.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
And I'm going, hold on.
There's a chance I'll disappear.
And he's like, well, yes.
Okay.
So just stay real close to me because I don't go in crevasse.
And he goes, all right, let's go.
And we start going.
Now, we're on the top of a mountain in Switzerland.
So it's what I would only guess, maybe four feet of powder.
I mean, it's just powder everywhere.
So we start going and I realize I'm a good snowboarder, but I hadn't snowboarded in a while.
And you know, your first run, you're always like, oh yeah, I'm going to warm it up a little bit.
Well, my first run.
This is my first run in a couple of years.
And I'm on top of a mountain in Switzerland.
And all of a sudden, I catch a toe and I go face forward into the snow and I disappear.
I take my arms to push up and there's nothing there.
There's nothing there.
Like, it's too deep.
And I'm like panicking, going, oh my God, this is what they mean to find the body.
I literally go, I'm going to die here.
I'm going to die.
I'm going to die.
And I'm fucking sitting there for, I'm not even joking, 10 minutes upside down in snow, trying to push.
And all of a sudden, I feel a hand grab my back, pull me up.
And he goes, you should see our sound guy.
My sound guy is upside down, skis like this.
And gear everywhere.
And I was like, get us the fuck off this mountain.
It was way, dude, getting stuck in snow is fucking terrifying.
I could go, this is, I could talk anxiety and terrors for hours.
Sinkhole.
Sinkhole.
Sinkhole scares the fuck out of me, dude.
I grew up in fucking Florida.
Sinkholes were everywhere.
You'd be playing football on the street one day, next day, sinkhole.
I swear to God, I was thinking about this last night.
You know when the ground just swallows up a house or whatever?
What happens to the guy?
I'm like, if that happened to me, that's just how I die.
That's how you die.
They don't get them out of it.
That's how you die.
It's like being buried alive.
It's the worst thing that could possibly happen.
There's a clip.
There's a clip online I saw one time, haven't been able to find since, of a guy in England explaining quicksand at the beach.
And he goes, he goes, I'm bad with accents, but he goes, he goes, okay, this is how, I don't know what accent I'm doing.
That's a Switzerland guy.
Yeah, Switzerland guy.
All right, all right.
So this is quicksand.
Very normal.
Now I have safety gears everywhere.
Everyone's here.
We've got a compressor, air compressor to get me out.
So, but I want to show you how it works.
It's very simple.
You stand here and in a matter of seconds, you'll feel your ankle sicken.
Now, if you struggle like such, it goes a little deeper.
No, it's safe for me to get up to my knee.
We won't go much deeper than my knee, but watch this.
As I try to get out, I'm now at my knee.
So that's how it works.
Let's get me out now.
And someone goes, okay.
And he just keeps sinking.
And they're like, hold on.
Okay.
This is not funny anymore.
Let's get me out now.
And he starts going deeper and deeper.
And you're watching this guy fucking spiral out of control.
This is a video.
You can find it online.
I can't watch it again.
How about this?
Have you ever seen the guys, the guys who go spelunking?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, yeah, Dude, dude.
We went spelunking in New Zealand.
Why?
Can you explain spelunking real quick?
Spelunking is caving.
It's caving.
Yeah.
It's caving.
No.
Now, there's a combination of the spelunking we did was in water.
And as we entered the scariest fucking thing.
As we enter it, they go, all right, we need you to get through the birth canal.
And I said, what's that?
And they go, it's this canal.
It gets us into the cave.
It's a little tight.
So, but just get on your stomach and you'll marine crawl through.
And there's just enough room for you to breathe, but there's one part where your face is going to go to water.
Just keep going forward.
It opens up.
Nope.
And so we get into the birthing canal, climb through, and we spend the next hour and a half in the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my life.
At one point, they would, there was a waterfall.
And in order to get, you had to get up the waterfall and they'd take you.
You can't hear anything.
It's a waterfall.
They put you behind the waterfall.
So you're behind the waterfall and then you had to climb up from behind it.
But at one point, you were just getting fucking bukockied with water.
And then as you got to the top, they grabbed you and they put you in a room where it was this tall.
The water was to here.
And we were all sitting here just breathing like this.
Now, the only thing, this is crazy.
The only thing that would calm me down, and I don't know the explanation, was a camera on me.
If I knew a camera was on me, I could almost act.
Yeah.
Like, and I would, so I'd keep going, put the camera.
Your fear of being embarrassed is worse than your fear of claustrophobia.
And we got done that, that fucking thing in New Zealand.
And I remember getting out and all of us were like, we're fucking alive.
They have, in Colorado, there's, I mean, horrible stories of these guys who go into these caves.
There's, I think it's called Caverns of the Wind.
And they're caves.
And they go in and they will get in and they'll get stuck like this.
And they'll get their little rock Chisler to try to open up space for them.
Holy.
I mean, I've Googled it and watched it.
It is.
Fucking, I can't.
The crazy thing is sometimes you're spelunking and then torrential rain comes.
That's what happened with those Thai boys.
The Thai kids.
Yeah.
And the rain raises the water level.
So now those parts that you had to crawl through are completely underwater.
Yeah.
So those tight little spaces, that's why they had to give them like the oxygen tanks and shit to get out.
But that.
Why, why were they doing that?
It was a common thing to do to go in, like very normal to go into that cave and go to this place where I think you go to a beach.
I watched the documentary on it, I think.
There's some cool, beautiful, like all those stalag points.
Hold on, you know, those crystals.
It is.
Yeah.
It is.
It's not worth the reward for me, but I've done a lot of spelunking.
I did one.
I did one in Austin.
And the guy, they go, all right, we're going to lower you in.
They have a pothole, like a, like a, like a, like, just like you see on the street.
And the guy takes the top off and it is just the width of my shoulders.
And he says, and they put a harness on you and he goes, all right, I'm going to lower you down, but you're too big.
You need to go one arm down, one arm up to get through.
And so they lower me down.
I am fucking, all I'm thinking is I have a GoPro on like a Chess GoPro that's up in my face.
And all I'm thinking is I'm rescuing baby Jessica.
That's all I was thinking.
Baby Jessica was a story from the 80s of a girl who fell down a well, like a young girl, and the nation was captivated by it.
And so, and then, but then he yells up, hey, you're gonna see an area where it seems like you should get out.
Do not get out.
And I'm like, what the, like, I'm gonna get out of here.
All of a sudden it opens up to this beautiful place.
Now you're so fucking claustrophobic that the second you see that, my, he's right.
My initial thought was, I should stop here and take a breath before I have to go down.
I think it was like 180 feet, I think, was what they lowered you down.
And I, and as I see this, this oasis, I go, fuck this.
I'm going to keep going.
And you go into even a smaller cave and you're just getting lowered.
And then it opens up to a huge fucking cave.
And you're like, and all I'm thinking is, I got to get the fuck out of here that way.
I mean, I'm not.
No, then you walk out, right?
Isn't there another exit?
That's the most.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the most fucked up part.
It's like, well, take me in through the exit.
Yeah, have you done this?
No, but I've seen this before.
And it's like, why are we going this way?
Yeah.
Let me do it.
And it's like a regular accent where people get tickets and they're coming in.
They're just stairs and shit.
Yeah, spelunking's pretty badass, you know.
Bro, have you seen the, there are these like natural water slides sometimes.
And sometimes they're usually part of like rivers or like waterfalls.
Now, Duvall was at one.
And what you do is you go through this hole in the rock and then you're completely kind of like submerged with the flowing water and then you pop out.
So you got to hold your breath for a couple seconds.
Something happened where like Duval went through the wrong entrance in the rock and got stuck, couldn't breathe, can't see.
So he's just stuck in the middle of this and the water's churning everywhere, right?
Oh, I got the crazy story for you afterwards.
Water's churning everywhere, kicks, pushes, finally gets put back into the funnel and then gets, but he's like, dude, I thought I was going to die.
Like I was like making my peace in that moment.
Crazier story.
There's this wave pool that they're building.
I won't say who it is.
And a very famous UFC fighter, right?
Is going to check out this wave pool.
The wave pool isn't ready yet.
Now, the way the wave pools work is there are these engines, right, at the bottom of the pool, suck in all the water from the pool, shoot it back out.
That's what creates the waves, right?
He's waiting to go surf.
The engines didn't have grates on them.
Now all wave pools have grates.
The engines suck in the water.
He gets sucked into the engine room with the water, okay?
It's not like he gets spit back out with the water.
For minutes, he's getting...
smashed around, whatever they shoot out the water he can breathe for a second.
It's pitch black.
He doesn't know what's going on.
Right then the water comes, sucked back in, shoots out five minutes like they shut down the pool.
But they're like, where the fuck is he?
How do we get him out?
Think about that.
You're just in this thing.
You could breathe for a second and then nothing.
Breathe for a second nothing, no way out terrifying.
How do you get out?
How do you get out?
They stop the pool and they're all, uh, we'll bleep it, shut the up and oh my god, oh my god.
Have you heard Cowboy Sironi's uh fucking uh, uh cave diving story?
He told our Rogan.
I won't even do it justice.
It was one of those ones where you're sitting there going like like cave diving is a motherfucker, because those guys go in and then they just you.
I guess you get turned around oh, you don't know which way you're fucking going.
And then you're and it gets silty and you can't see anything.
What does silty mean?
Like all the soot from the ground.
Cave Dust and Danger00:02:20
All that comes around is like very, very fine.
It's like dust that's been sitting at the bottom of this cave forever.
So when you're walking around it it just starts to literally it just goes and then you can't see anything.
These cave divers fucking die.
Cave diving is like is like uh, is like uh, fucking wing suiting, yeah the squirrel, that's how you die.
Like, once you pick that as a hobby, that's how you die.
Yeah, like I, I met.
I met, uh i'm.
We were going swimming with sharks in Hawaii and the woman that was taking us out said, uh, I was talking about my show because I was.
I always did dangerous stuff every week for the show.
It was like crazy stuff.
And she and she said, make me one promise, this is the lady who was going to be outside of the cage with the sharks.
She is fearless, she goes.
Make me one promise.
I said, what's that?
She goes, never base jump.
I said why she goes.
If you base jump, that'll be how you die.
I can promise you that.
And I was like fuck for real.
And she goes.
Her husband was the dude who hit the fucking line and vaporized.
Yeah, that was her.
Can you explain that story?
He was, he was wing suiting with his dude.
He was in front, his dude was here.
So wing suiting is it's a, it's skydiving, but you have this suit on that has, like these, almost flats yeah, and because of that you get, you can get lift and so you can fly.
So instead of just, instead of just jumping down and you jump out off a mountain and then the thrill of it is to get as close to objects as possible.
I see them right on the side of a go over a bridge.
Yeah bro, there's one where a guy goes through an opening.
There's like those, those guys I mean, do you remember the one, the one with with the?
This is how I show my love, this is how my ad d, and the guy jumps and he goes by the balloons and just catches it.
Oh yeah, like those, I mean those, those guys live life well.
Her husband, if i'm not mistaken, I think it was her husband was in front of her dude her, his best friend, and they're going, I think, I think they're in Asia and they're going past a bridge and he hits one of the fucking wires and vaporizes vaporizes, and his buddy feels his oh no, because he's behind him yeah, and he's got to still finish his flight, pull the chute.
His best friend just vaporized in front of him yeah, and ruined his outfit.
Yeah, I mean yeah, it's a lot.
Luck vs Confidence00:15:00
I mean I wouldn't worry about my outfit.
I'd be like with my mouth open, like what the fuck I just went in my mouth?
Have you been tested?
Like, are you clean?
How many people have you slept with?
But, but like, yeah, there's so many, I mean, there's, I did so much stuff when I worked at Travel Channel.
God, thank God for getting me out of that fucking, I did, I would have, I would be panic inducing.
Is that what I'm saying?
Thank God.
Like, so you saw an instant, you saw a little bit of it, right?
In that moment, I was like that every fucking morning, sitting in a fucking shower, praying, like just going like, don't let me die today.
Like, and by the way, it wasn't, it wasn't, here's the weird thing is, is you saw it, you saw the real thing.
It's like, it wasn't real.
Like, it was imagined.
Like, I, I, I mean, stuff people did.
I mean, yes, there was a risk, but it was stuff people did, but I still would wait, I would wake up with searing anxiety every morning and I would sit in a shower.
I'd say prayers.
I had rituals that I would do to try to keep myself sane.
I'd have rituals in the shower, but I would, and I, but I would sit there.
I remember in New Zealand, we had to do a, there was a, there's a jump.
I'm sure you can find it online, but it's, uh, they put you in a chair.
They put you, it's a, uh, like just a free fall.
They put a rope on you, you jump, and then you can swing, you swing.
But they put you in a chair and they lean you backwards and they fuck with you.
And at the last minute, they let go and you fall from a chair backwards into a canyon.
I knew I was doing that.
I knew I had to do that.
That was my job.
And I woke up and I remember sitting at the bottom of the shower going, what am I doing?
Like, don't I have any value?
Like, am I just a person who can go, hey, welcome back and then jump?
Like, does that my only value?
And I remember thinking, I'm a comedian.
I'm a talented comedian.
Why am I here?
Like, I'm looking at my friends blow up.
Tommy is blowing up at the time.
Rogan's podcast is taking off.
All that's happening.
And I'm sitting here as a human.
They called it, I used to call myself a water dummy because I was just, I was filled with water and I just, and I just jump off these things.
And I fucking, I'm so, I think that's why I work as hard as I do now because I had those other jobs that I didn't want.
And so now when I have an opportunity to do shit, I'm like, fuck yes.
I will travel every single day of the year doing stand-up because I lived the other life where it was like, it looked nice.
And if you're into that shit, then you're into it.
But if you're not into it, I wasn't into it.
I wasn't into it.
Yeah.
So.
Do you think there'll be a time?
Because I don't know if people realize how relentlessly you tour.
Yeah.
And it's not like you're just popping into clubs.
You're doing it at the highest level.
And the highest level has a lot of anxiety.
I don't know what your team is like, but I know like when we go in and we play certain places, it's a whole day.
It's like making sure the lighting is good, making sure the setups are good, making sure everything you're going on is good.
I've always wondered this with you.
It's like, is there a time where you're going to go, I need like three months.
I need six months.
I need.
No.
No.
I don't think he's wired like that.
I'll tell you what makes, I mean this respectfully.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what makes me different than you.
Yeah.
Is I don't know the right way to say this.
It is a compliment, but it's going to come out sideways.
Okay, that's fun.
But like I got, I was a, I got to be a failure.
I got to be like a failure that no one cared about.
Like I got that.
It's a blessing because there was a period when I got fired from travel channel and pulled off the funnier die tour because I wasn't, no one gave a fuck about me.
And they were like, it's 2,000 bucks.
Save 2,000 and get rid of Bert.
Keep Tommy and Joey and Sebastian and Fluffy.
And these are my friends.
And I'm watching them blow up.
And I would sit at the store and I remember talking, I remember having a conversation with a guy that I thought we were friends with.
And he was looking over my shoulder.
And Sebastian walked in and he went, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, and walked away from me.
And I remember seeing people have really cool things and go and just cachet, like comics that I was like, he's good, but I don't think he's as good as like, and then, and I would be funny, but I was like, I was like, and I was like, I was lucky enough to have that moment in my life.
Sadly, and lucky for you, you'll never get that moment.
Like, you'll have what it was like to be a young comic, but you'll never have a little bit of success and then absolutely nothing.
And then people going, I guess that's it for that guy.
You're lucky that you'll never have it, but I'm blessed that I had the opportunity to have that.
And if it wasn't for guys like Rogan, I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't, I mean, and I use Joe as an exact example because Joe does what my wife does.
My wife looks you in the eyes when she talks to you and she is present.
And it doesn't matter if fucking, if fucking Kardashian walks by, she will talk to you.
Joe Rogan, you're never, I don't mean to suck the guy's cock all the time, but the truth is we do that quite often on this show.
So you're in good company.
He would talk to you in the eyes as a friend and he would never look past you.
And I watched a lot of people do that.
And so the reason I work, I remember Ali Wong saying to me, you're acting like it's going to go away one day.
She's like, you're one of the biggest comics in the world.
Like, just fucking relax.
And I wanted to go, Allie, you haven't been a failure.
Like, be a failure once.
Be a failure.
Like a legit, there was a point that if I quit comedy, not only would no one know about it, but no one would have cared.
And so I got, I was lucky enough to get that.
And so.
So you think if you stop, it will go away.
Make sure.
I mean, yeah, why not?
Right?
What I would get from that story is that imagine they came in right now.
That would be perfect.
That would have been perfect.
No.
What I got from that story is that you can build your success.
It's like you did it once and then you had some downtime and then you did it again.
And there's some confidence that should come from that.
Also, yeah, maybe.
I mean, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm in control of my like, I don't think this is luck for you, Bert.
I think it is a little bit.
Well, no, no.
We were saying this when we walked in.
I was saying this right when I walked in.
Yeah.
10 best comics in the world, right?
Yeah.
If you named them, I would argue I probably wouldn't make that list.
However, I am one of the biggest touring comics in the world.
You might be the biggest right now, man.
I'm number four.
I don't know in terms of money brought in, but in terms of size of show, who else is doing a bigger show?
But that's my point: I think Fluffy, maybe at the baseball stage.
There's a lot of guys doing really big shit.
I mean, Joe, Chappelle, Fluffy, Burr.
People are doing Joe Coi.
People are doing big shit.
But I would argue, and this is why I think I'm very grateful to be where I am.
But it's like, it's why I hustle as hard as I do.
I don't look at myself as talented as my peers ever.
I mean, I look at what you do and I go, God, man, he's fucking good.
And then I, and then it inspires me, like, got to fucking work harder, man.
Look at the, god damn it, he's funny as shit.
You got to fucking write more.
You got to tour more.
You got to fucking bust your ass.
Like, I think it's from that period of time I got to be a failure that I'm very grateful.
It's like, like, it's like, you ever have a friend who's never been in love and then all of a sudden they get fall in love and they're like, dude, I'm not letting go of this one.
Yeah.
That's what I feel like with it with stand-up.
I feel like that genuinely was stand-up.
And with movies and with television, you give me an opportunity, I'll take it.
And I'll bust my ass.
I'll show up sober.
I'm not going to fucking be a dick on set.
Like, I just, I'm really blessed.
I'm blessed and lucky to be where I am.
And I won't ignore that fact.
Trust me, I've seen dudes who feel like they deserve it.
Like, I won't say a name, but I could say a name very easily.
We were talking about earlier about the thing.
Yeah.
That guy watched that guy behave poorly when he should have been just a little better.
Yeah.
I mean, having some fucking gratitude and believing that, I mean, there's so much luck gets us into these positions.
There's no question about that.
I guess like I look at a guy like you specifically and I don't go, that's luck.
I mean, like, but I've also think about this, right?
Let me say this.
Not luck in terms of like, we all need luck to get somewhere.
We all need, you know, somebody to look out.
Like I had fucking Charlemagne and Joe.
I had like two of the most powerful people in media, like really fucking look out for me and like throw me opportunities and like I'm the lucky.
In my mind, I'm the luckiest.
In your mind, you believe you're the luckiest.
Oh, yeah.
But I think that's also has to do with kind of like our perspective on life a little bit.
When you believe you're lucky, it's you wake up and you can smile a little bit.
When you believe that like you deserve more and why am I not being looked at?
Like you're going to be bitter and angry.
I guess what I'm trying to say is like there is a skill and understanding and a component that I think that you have that I think a lot of people don't have and you have to work hard on that.
And so I don't want you to undermine that.
It is not easy to do this at this level.
Continually do it, continually produce it and continually like make it exciting to the point where people come out.
It is a hard thing to do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I mean, it is a hard thing to do, but I do, I think I'm, sometimes I try to, I think for the person watching, it's easier to identify our lucky moments than our hard work.
Yeah.
And it's better to harp on our luck than it is our hard work.
People get bitter if you talk about because you're actually, I watch you.
You're one of the smartest comics in terms of moves you make, the way you operate.
Your intelligence is very overlooked because you'll take your shirt off or whatever.
Oh, I always, I never want you to see, I'd rather, it was sports.
My perfect example.
I'm probably more athletic than 98% of the comics working.
But I downplay it as a joke and I tell Tom, I'll destroy you in tennis.
He's like, you've never seen me play.
And then I ace him 27.
Son, there's a clip of you shooting the fucking shit.
I have sneaky, weird talents, but I'm never going to tell you my talent before you meet me.
I want you to find it out for yourself.
Low expectations are the key to life, man.
Low expectations and over deliver.
Exactly.
And everybody's happy.
Yeah, I think that is, you know, best compliment I ever got came from David Letterman.
It got me emotional.
He goes, the guy takes his shirt off and he doesn't mention it.
He goes, and then he does like beautiful comedy.
He's a masterful storyteller, but his shirt's off.
He's like, what?
Why is his shirt off?
And part of me goes, I don't fucking wish I had an answer.
I wish I had a fucking answer.
I'm from Florida.
That's my answer, I guess.
I don't know.
Well, I used to like cheering myself up on the road on Thursdays.
I'd rip the shirt off, kill a beer, and then make myself giggle.
I don't think you need an excuse for it.
I think that oftentimes if there's someone that's jealous of what you have, they have an excuse to justify why they don't have it.
And please believe if they took their shirt off, they wouldn't get your success.
Please believe.
Anybody thinking that that is the key, just take your shirt off.
That's what I love.
Like any comics that are haters, like just do it.
Like if that's the thing that's stopping you, by all means, just try that.
Yeah.
I guarantee you it won't work because there's something else going on.
But it's a convenient thing that if somebody doesn't have it, but they're filled with fucking envy and jealousy.
And you will get people that are going to be jealous.
Everybody.
I've had more, you know, it's so funny.
When you're a failure, you're everyone's friend.
Everybody's favorite.
Oh, he's the best guy.
I love that guy.
I love that guy.
He's funny.
He's hilarious.
Get successful and you'll find out who your fucking friends are real quick.
Real quick.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody loved Bernie Sanders till he had three houses.
Socialists, my ass, right?
Like, it's that simple.
Yeah, it's true.
All right.
Let's tell.
Well, I'll tell the early Rogan days and the little rapper cycle.
And then, and by the way, I don't hate you guys.
Oh, I just want you to know.
I know you don't hate us, but do you trust us?
I do.
We didn't bring him back in.
I appreciate that.
And I like the energy this is taking.
Yes, it's real.
You're going to do 40 podcasts as you promote these amazing things you have on.
Okay.
You have to create something different.
It has to be a different experience with Bert.
Nobody else pranked Bert.
All right.
I'm going to go Good Morning America.
And they're going to be like, hey, we got a fucking clown.
By the way, I'll swing on that clown.
The early Rogan days were fucking fascinating because, you know, when you talk about Tosh doing radio, that was all we really understood.
And Joe was not having it.
So when you tried to do bits, he was shut it down.
My first Rogan appearance, it would be cool to see a highlight reel of me trying to do bits on him because I was.
I was like, oh, yeah, because I didn't know what no one knew what a podcast was.
Right.
Especially the way Joe does it.
I would be interested to clip him out.
I was like, I fought a bear one time.
And he was like, what region was the bear from?
And you're like, I fought a, I don't know what region it was from.
And he was like, well, wait, why would you?
And it was like very thoughtful conversation.
And then I realized within 20 minutes, this is not radio.
Yeah.
And so, and I realized that the best thing you could do was listen to Joe sometimes to try to respond to him.
It's why today I don't feel like I'm that great when I do Rogan because it's a lot of it.
I feel like I'm just catching up with a friend.
And I don't know if it's entertaining as a podcast.
I feel like you're just hanging out with your buddy.
Well, maybe that's the camaraderie people want.
Maybe they're alone.
Maybe.
They're working from home.
They haven't seen anybody that day.
It's what I used to love about it.
I used to love it.
So I get offered to do Rogan.
I remember saying to Ari, because I didn't trust celebrities.
I had gotten in a fight with a, I'd gotten in beef of the comic and I just didn't trust.
And I said to Ari and Redman, I said, so like, what's Joe's thing?
Is he gay?
And they're like, I was like, I thought he was gay because I was like, why would he want me to come to his house?
And like, what's his deal?
And like, no, he's just a great guy.
I go, no, They all got something.
What is it?
And then they're like, no, he's just a good guy.
He thinks you're funny.
Like, do his podcast.
So I thought everyone was gay.
I thought Elliot Gould was gay.
Will Smith?
I thought Will Smith was gay.
I thought anyone was gay, but anyone that wanted to be friends with me, I just figured they were gay and they wanted to fuck me.
And so I literally was like, went to his house.
Most likable guy on the planet.
You can't fathom that somebody's like, I'd like to just be around you and like tell stories.
They just want dick.
Yeah.
But I was a fan of Joe's.
I was like a legit fan of Joe's.
And so I go out to his house.
I do the worst thing you could ever do when you meet Joe.
Now I know this.
Okay.
I go, hey, man, huge fan.
I want to meet your dogs.
I want to see your deprivation tank.
I want to get high.
Joey Diaz Alpha Brain00:09:26
I want to play pool.
And then we can do the podcast.
And Joe is like, okay.
So he takes me on, introduces his dogs.
We get high.
We play pool.
Shows me his deprivation tank, meet his wife, meet his kids, do a podcast.
And I'm trying to do bits and it's not working.
And then I'm like, okay.
And then I just go into like, just going, if you ask me a question, I'll respond to the question, which is like what we do now, but it just was not what happened in media.
And so.
I wish people knew what early radio days for comics were.
Oh.
Because what you're explaining makes so much sense.
If you've ever watched Comics Unleashed, where the comics just go around and do their bits in a circle, that was radio.
They tee you up with the premise of your joke.
I did Bob and Tom back in the day and you had to write out your bits.
You had to write them out.
And so I wrote out all my bits and then you gave them to him.
And you're like, so, you ever go to Russia?
Yeah.
I hear you.
I'm married.
Are you married, Bert?
And you'd be like, oh, here we go.
And so, but it was Bob and Tom was fun back.
And that was all you knew.
And this is Rogan.
You do it in an office.
I think he had a cat that would like take shits in the bathroom in the middle.
It was in his office.
And Joe was rich, but he wasn't Joe rich today.
Like Joe was like, and then he would have you do this vlog after the podcast, which is so awkward.
Like Brian would pull out his laptop and go, all right.
And Joe's like, what's up?
I just did a great podcast with Bert.
So, Bert, what's going on?
And you'd be like, not much, Joe.
It was so fucking bad.
You can find those clips, I'm sure.
And Joe had black facial hair and he still had hair.
He still had hair, but he wore his hat backwards because he'd, whatever.
And so you get done the podcast.
And then he'd be like, you want to go get something to eat?
And so like, it was like, it was crazy.
You know, he was also banned at the store at the time.
Yeah, that's right.
So like he would do shows at the ice house.
So then, so the first time I do it, I think in my head, this is not what I thought it was going to be.
I can't do bits here, but I do have this Russian mafia story that I bet would be good on this show.
And so I go, hey, man, next time I'm here, remind me to tell you the Russian mafia story.
Like a week fucking later, he's like, hey, come tell the Russian mafia story.
So I'm sure I'm off on timelines, but I come back, I think a week later, and he's like, everyone's wondering about this Russian mafia story.
And I tell it, and I got to be honest with you, it bombed.
Sometimes, I hope I'm not pulling the fail back too back.
Sometimes Joe and Redband would be fighting.
And so you'd go in to do the podcast.
There's some tension.
And the whole thing would be them just Joe being angry at Red Band because Red Band is saying buttholes and Olive Garden the whole time.
And Joe's like, Brian, you got to realize people are fucking listening to this.
And then you'd just be sitting off to the side, like watching them go back and forth and then be like, duh, you guys want to try some Alpha Brain?
By the way, this is when Joe's launching Alpha Brain.
This is when they're launching on it, right?
So he'd give you his vitamins.
He'd load you up with his vitamins, give you a flashlight, and then be like, take those Alpha Brains, tell me what you think about them.
And then you'd take them and in a real scientific way, because they promoted, what's the lucid dreaming.
And so you, and I'm an active lucid dreamer to begin with.
And so you'd come back and he'd be like, you took Alpha Brain?
And this would be on the podcast.
He'd be like, you'd be like, yeah.
And he'd go, so wait, what did you feel?
Like he'd, you know, the Joe analysis part of his brain.
And he'd do that on the podcast about his own pills because he was trying to figure out if he liked them.
And he was like, I love the Alpha Brain.
I'm taking like nine a day.
I go, I took one Joe.
I couldn't sleep.
And he was like, dog, what did you take the cortisone mushrooms, the roll-on, roll-off, whatever the fuck?
It was like, it was really, it was really interesting.
And then the first time I did Rogan, I remember getting in the car and I had 3,000 Twitter followers extra.
And I was like, I was like, wow.
Second time I did Rogan, I told the machine story and I went to the club and it was sold out, comped, but sold out.
And then, and then I watched it.
And then the third time I did Rogan, I made a machine shirt.
The machine shirt that I used to sell shows.
I got home to my house and Leanne goes, The fuck?
We sold $25,000 worth of t-shirts.
She goes, I don't have those made.
Woke up the next morning.
She goes, We sold $90,000 worth of t-shirts in like two days.
We had made six figures in those t-shirts by the end of the year, by like in three months.
We did that.
It must have been in November.
By the end of the year, we made six figures in those machine shirts.
Joe wore it at a weigh-in.
You'd see huge fucking spikes, huge fucking spikes.
I'd go to different countries.
I remember it was in Amsterdam and they were yelling the machine in Amsterdam.
And I was like, what the fuck?
And then, I mean, so, so it's funny.
You just get high and talk for three hours and not remember any of it at all.
And it's crazy to see where he is today.
And like I just did it the other day.
And I'm like, just doesn't, it doesn't make sense to me that I remember.
I remember did it one time and I got really fucked up and I might have said that America created COVID or something.
I don't know what I said.
Who fucking knows what I said?
They took the episode down and then put it up in two parts.
They clipped out the thing I said.
I don't know.
I'm terrified to ask Joe because I know that there's some parts missing.
And I was like, hey, man, did I say some regrettable stuff on your podcast all day?
She was like, ah, fuck it.
Fuck it.
Well, I fucked up shit.
Yeah.
It was great, man.
It's great.
I'm bummed that you guys didn't get to experience that side of the show.
Yeah.
Because it was the fun when like Joey Diaz, like we just, one of the hardest I ever laughed was Joey Diaz just rolled.
I never met him.
This is the opening words of meeting Joey Diaz.
He we're doing, we used to do desk squad nights at the ice house where like it was like nine five comics on the podcast with Joe and we just do it and we'd do a show and so we'd hop on and off.
So we'd go in and do a set and then come back to the podcast and everyone would be fucked up.
And Joey Diaz comes in.
I never met him and he's like, he's like, dog, you ever eat a woman's pussy on a Qualud?
And I was like, no.
And he goes, Lucy Snorbush.
And we, oh, you ever break into someone's house and eat the pussy on a Qualud?
Lucy Snorbush.
And we cried fucking laughing.
And then I found out, it's the hardest I've ever fucking laughed.
One of the top five hardest I've ever laughed.
And Joe goes, you've never met Joey before?
And I go, no.
And he goes, well, you're about to be your best friend.
And Joey Diaz and I, from that day on, Joey lived right around the corner from me.
If we ever did that show, we'd drive out together.
Those were the days, man.
I miss those days so much because you would, it was so, it was like, you guys don't understand when comics hated each other.
They used to hate each other.
Comics hated each other.
No one wanted anyone to.
We started in that.
Yeah.
And I think this still exists.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you did.
Yeah, you did.
Yeah, I think this still exists.
But I think that you guys did something that really transformed the way that we behave with one another.
And it's like, it's pretty awesome.
That's Joe.
That's Joe.
Well, it trickles down, man.
I always say that.
Like, what Joe does for you guys, for me, it's like what we do made for other people.
I remember before I met you, you tweeted about Bring Back a Pooh.
And I just said that was so fucking cool that Machine is tweeting, yo, this is a great special.
Everybody go watch it.
Well, yeah, but I have a, it's the same thing that makes me say I'm lucky instead of talented is I have, I love being a fan of shit.
I've said this ad nauseum.
Yeah.
I like liking stuff.
I don't understand the energy of disliking stuff.
I don't understand that energy at all of like hating things.
Yeah.
I love liking stuff.
And it makes comedy this business so much more fun to be a fan of your friends and to love when like when you it was so much fun when you did uh when you put out infamous it was so much fun To celebrate your success, it was so much fun.
If you're a fan of it, yeah.
And as opposed to as opposed to, and I'm sure there's comics are out there, I do not hang out with them.
The guys that are like, fuck Schultz, fuck Schultz, you know, that's bullshit, or you know, whatever.
All that stuff, it's so much fun to go, look at this.
It's changing the game.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh, it's on YouTube.
What's it at fucking 13 million?
15, 15.
15 million?
Imagine if you get to pick a team.
I want to be the guy that has fun or the guy that goes to bed angry every night.
I'm never going to pick the angry guy.
I don't want to be a guy.
There's guys that make a living doing that.
There are guys online that make a living doing that.
I want to be the guy that goes, fuck yeah.
By the way, I can celebrate the guys that hate me also because I go, that's got to be cool to hate me.
I get it.
I get it.
Trust me.
What a fucking weird episode.
I've never done a podcast like this in my fucking life.
Good.
That's what we want to create every time we have somebody on.
A different experience.
Weird.
Okay, before you leave, I want to ask you, as you reflect on your life, do you think that you've lived a fulfilled existence?
Yep.
I've lived the best life anyone's ever lived, that anyone could ever live.
No one, I mean, I can't imagine anyone.
I found love your life.
I can't.
I built a family.
A Fulfilled Existence00:02:21
Yeah.
I can't imagine that anyone's going to cry at my funeral.
Ooh.
I mean, out of, we cry selfishly a lot of times.
Yep.
People should.
I'm going to get emotional saying this.
You guys fucked me up today.
I've been the luckiest fucking guy in the world.
When I die, everyone should just go like, I don't deserve any of the stuff I've gotten.
I don't deserve anything.
And it's been like, and I've done everything in the world.
I've traveled the world four times.
I have two beautiful daughters.
I'm in love with my wife.
And I'm, and I'm fucking, and I have the greatest career that I feel so lucky to have.
And I have awesome fucking friends.
Like, when I die, I shouldn't have had any of it.
There's people that don't have any of this shit.
Can I interrupt you for a second?
This right here is why you deserve it.
Yeah.
No, man.
I believe that.
I can't.
I mean, I just, yeah, I hope my funeral's fun.
Hey, I'll drink at your funeral, buddy.
There you go.
What a beautiful way to look at life, man.
Just no balloons.
Oh, it's going to be balloons.
We're all dressing on clowns.
We're going to lift you right out of that fucking casket.
100%.
You want me to go to heaven happy?
Everyone dresses clowns.
I'll close the casket for you.
Fucking go close.
Start digging holes, motherfuckers.
Oh, fuck, guys.
This has been Burt Kreiser.
Give it up one more time for an absolute legend.
Make sure you check out the Rose of Birth Kreischer.