Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect Elon Musk's Twitter acquisition, noting Saudi Arabia rejected the deal due to asset hijacking fears. The hosts then critique Derek Poston's controversial comedy regarding NYC demographics and subway safety before debating the overturning of airline mask mandates. They analyze Denzel Washington's acting range, Judd Apatow's comedic shifts, and rank Leonardo DiCaprio against Calvin Candee. Finally, they argue Infinity War is cinema's peak while discussing Nicholas Cage, Michael Jordan, and Derek's specific preferences in transgender pornography, ultimately blending political satire with absurd pop culture rankings. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Elon vs The Saudi Royals00:14:46
Elon Musk, richest man in the world and our favorite lesbian stepdad, needs to run Twitter and not the Saudi royal family.
And here's why.
First of all, Elon is the goat, which is clearly why the Saudis are trying to fuck him.
I mean, do we really want weekend at Burning Yemen calling the shots at Twitter?
This Saudi prince that looks like Wario just sniffed a little girl's bicycle seat, rejected Elon's offer to buy Twitter.
He said Elon's offer, which was 38% above the stock price, was too little.
What?
This guy must be dropping asset.
And I'm not talking about on women trying to drive.
Also, of course, Saudi Arabia doesn't want Elon owning it.
Okay, they're furious at him.
Self-driving is a loophole to put women behind the wheel.
We cannot let the Saudis control Twitter, okay?
It won't last.
They have a history of crashing things after hijacking them.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
We need Elon to buy Twitter, okay?
It's something we can all agree with.
A rich South African is trying to own something that's not a person.
That is progress.
Speaking of progress, woke people should want this, okay?
We need more African-American businesses.
Not to mention, we should support marginalized groups.
And right now, autistic African Americans are under attack.
Obviously, proud boys are on board.
They'll be able to say the N-word without posing as a black teenager.
That's right, proud boys.
You can type it the way you vote with a hard R. Listen, Elon's the bot for the job, okay?
He's a diamond in the rough.
And I'm not talking about what he mined as a child.
I mean, the guy married a woman from another planet and had kids with her.
He can do anything.
Now, unfortunately, they broke up.
So technically, she's, I can't say.
I need you here.
I love Courtney.
Do it.
Technically, she's his space ex.
Hey.
Tranny porn, the greatest thing that ever happened.
Okay, let me explain.
This is Derek Poston, a hilarious stand-up comedian that opens up for Schultz on the road.
And as you can see, he's got some pretty wild tastes.
Denzel Washington is not that great of an actor.
But before we get to that, this is why he hates New York.
No, there's no black people in New York.
I did.
Wait, I did.
Wait, there's no white people in there.
There's no black people in New York.
There's no fat people in New York and there's no black people in New York.
That's what I know.
I see Alex.
That's it.
I've been all over this bitch, bro.
There's no black people here.
There's people that look like Dove is everywhere.
Did you just not lead Chelsea the whole time?
He was at radio.
He's in Soho.
He's in Soho.
I hit a story up.
Oh, yeah.
You went off of black areas.
Soho.
No, I see it.
Yeah.
Go to Williamsburg.
I went to Williamsburg.
No, nigga.
No black niggas.
Yeah, there's no black people here, and there's no fat people.
There's always a couple things I didn't like about this place.
Is that surprising that there's no black people given all like the great black art that's come out of New York City?
I thought it was all Marcy projects.
I thought the whole New York was Marcy projects where Chris Rock and Jay-Z came from.
Yeah.
Were you disappointed or relieved?
You're scared to ride the subway.
I can't imagine you're walking through Marcy like, I got this.
You know what?
Yeah, because I was more scared of the subway because of like all the stories.
Like Jamil was like, oh, nigga, they push people on the third rail and don't pee down there.
You'll get electrocuted.
And he was saying a bunch of things.
They walked up and they walk up and go, what time is it?
Then they cut your face.
And I was like, that's what he was saying.
He was talking about the 90s with Andrew.
Now, when we were growing up, it was wild.
Like, it was wild.
Like, I was remember being in middle school and then the principal getting on the thing and going, hey, everybody, if anybody comes up to you and asks you for the time, do not tell them the time and just walk away.
And then we were like, why, And the teacher had to find out why.
And then the principal came back.
Right now, there are people asking you for the time and then slashing your face as you look at your watch.
So just don't do that and fucking play your fucking.
Why?
Gang initiation, the blood gang initiation.
Yeah, we don't do the gang shit right out here.
I do it much better.
Yeah, just shoot a motherfucker.
Don't get too close.
Don't it's also why we're rude to like strangers sometimes because it's like, are you going to do something bad to me?
Or do you want my money?
You either want my money or you're going to do something bad to me.
Yeah.
Every time a person talked to us, like a little old lady asked for help.
I was like, bro, you this bitch get too close.
Here's the thing.
In New York, you can't, you can't.
She was like 90 and Asian.
I was like, it's about to be another video, bro.
It's about to be another video, bro.
This bitch is saying something else.
She wanted like, I don't know what she wanted.
Man.
The way you get help in New York is you look lost.
If you look lost, New Yorkers will just come up to you and help you.
So if you're like looking like this, you got a map or your phone, you just look confused.
But if you start walking up to New Yorkers, we'll just ignore you or just walk away.
Don't be in my space.
If you look lost, that's also the way to get robbed.
Yeah, I was thinking that.
I'm walking around the turkey.
We'll help you spend some money.
You know what I'm saying?
We'll help you support the residents of New York City.
You know what I'm saying?
You know that when Bark was in Chicago and he's like this with his phone, he's like, I need to do that.
Mark thinks he's a fucking anthropologist every time he's going to hood.
What do you think?
Trying to be best friends with every person he meets.
Learn about their fucking day and their culture.
I was two seconds away from taking his iPhone, bro.
I didn't want to be racist.
He was pulling Mark's jeans.
He was like, yo, what kind of jeans are these?
Seeing how tight they are.
Mark was like, that's like, oh, bro, this is car.
I didn't want to be racist.
He came up to me, asked me if I could get directions.
I gave him directions.
And he didn't.
What did he ask for directions to?
He said, how do I get to the bus stop?
I say, go up here, go around.
Come on.
I pull out my phone.
You're being racist thinking that he was going to steal my phone.
He was like trying to do that to me in New York.
And I was like, he had a phone.
I was like, use your phone.
And this guy could have beat the shit out of me.
But I was like, I'd rather get my ass kicked than get my phone took.
Yeah, you got to make that calculation.
But why do you think he was going to take my phone?
That was racism you guys.
He was going to take your shit.
He was going to take your shit.
He saw me.
He saw me.
He also saw me.
He saw me in miss.
He saw me pull up.
He saw Alex hold me back.
He saw Alex hold me back.
He saw Andrew pull up.
He's like, I can't rob this kid in front of his dad.
Humiliate him on taking kids to work day.
You kidding me?
No, no, that was one of the stupidest things.
It was also like the week of the Popeye Spicy Chicken Sandwich.
Which has nothing to do with it.
Black people were focused.
That motherfucker needed $7.50 for that Popeye spicy chicken sandwich.
And you was about to give us line.
He didn't have to give me a chance to do it.
You was about to give us.
He asked me for Popeye's.
And that was true.
We was out like Easter Sunday, bro.
That was our best, bro.
I just waited online.
It was fire, dog.
Chicago, too.
Yeah, it was crazy.
Another thing I noticed about New York is, I noticed, is everyone's dirty.
Yo, chill up.
Stop.
Everything's no.
Like, that's a bad way.
You literally have everybody's face right now.
I like that.
What I got on my face.
What I got on my face was it dirty.
Was it foam?
All right, foam ain't dirty.
Because we were walking around soon.
Everybody here is clearly rich, but nigga, everybody's ankles is dirty.
And like, everybody, you like, there's nobody fully clean, bro.
When you get out the shower, you dirty a little bit.
Oh, you definitely didn't see white people.
Bro, New York is dirty.
I didn't see black people.
No, yeah.
That would be lotion ankles, but that's one word fucked up, just for the record.
Everybody was a little bit of filth out here.
I like it, though.
It's grimy.
That's what I mean.
Everybody, even the rich people that look like Bougie was like, nah, nah, but this nigga look, his fingernails look dirty.
You know what I mean?
Everybody looked dirty here.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
People want to look cool here, not rich.
Yes, whereas coming from LA, everybody wants to look rich.
Clean, clean, crystal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that's what I said.
That was the best.
You also don't walk as much, so it's just not as dirty on the streets.
You could just be crisp.
Park the car, go to the thing, you're good.
Yeah, not out.
Everyone's out here.
Everybody's out.
You're walking everywhere.
You're on the street.
No black people.
You didn't see any black person?
One, bro.
I didn't see one.
I have a hard time believing you didn't see.
You were at the radio.
I saw the black person at Andrew's.
Look at the mirror.
You're in the mirror all the time.
It's half.
You a vampire, bro?
I don't understand.
Yeah, Astoria.
Why were you in Astoria?
Sam, my girl's friends live there from college.
And so we stayed with them.
And they had a nice spot.
They like a really nice spot.
Oh, I thought you got set up in Soho.
We did.
But I mean, you know, it's like $5 million a night for the rooms.
Is it?
You didn't get the Dove special?
No, it was a busy week.
Oh, my gosh.
It was a busy week.
I hit you up like four months ago, dog.
We played it.
And you were like, three of my special.
A busy week.
A lot of people come from Radio City for the show of Radio City.
Is that why?
Is that why it's so busy?
Are you blaming our show?
What did I do for you last night?
You did everything.
I'm not just saying, like, in this instance, that is what happened.
What did he do?
What did he do?
I hit him up like two months ago and I was like.
No, no, what did he do last night?
What did he do last night?
He took me to the cellar.
That shit was awesome.
And he came out to the show of the New York Comedy Club.
You took him to the fucking comedy club.
You can't go there without a comic.
You just put radio shit.
They don't go up like that.
Bro, first off, the Ubers here is expensive as fuck.
He paid.
Yeah.
He took me to the comedy club.
Problem on my fucking car.
It was a business expense.
We're going to comedy clubs.
God damn it, Dove.
That's it.
There's no denial from him.
Nothing in the way of a shot.
I let you have the joke, but no, I paid for that.
He had the wings.
The wings are crispy.
No, the wings are fire.
The wings are at the cellar.
No, no, no, no.
I'm just saying, he had to see the cellar.
He and Sam had sets at New York Comedy Club.
Crush it, both of them.
Shout out to New York Comedy.
We've just only been seeing him do big theaters for this year, and then you see him in this intimate room, and he just that instant engagement off of the audience was just fire.
You crushed.
And then they had to see the temple.
He got to see the spots.
That was your first time going to the cellar.
It was a lot to me, bro.
Did you pop in?
I mean, we were sitting in the kitchen area and just to see David Tale walk in was just like, that's all I needed.
Did you get to watch him?
No, we couldn't get down there to watch the show.
You could take it.
You couldn't get it.
You couldn't.
It was between shows.
It's on Duff today.
Come on, Doug.
That's all Dove today.
Don't drag.
Oh, my gosh.
Come on, Dub.
Why do we work so hard?
That was such a housewife.
Oh, everyone's ganging up on me today.
No one helps me run the house ever.
No one helps clean up ever.
Especially you.
Especially you.
We have company coming.
Mark said that was fast.
Damn.
Mark hasn't responded to a text in a week.
What are you looking at, Miles?
You're scaring me.
Right?
Everything's good?
Okay.
Mark, what do we got going on today?
Okay, just real quick.
Feelings, no facts.
The mask mandate on airlines has been officially overturned by a judge of Florida.
People are celebrating.
People are celebrating all over the country.
Can I ask you a question about it?
Why is it that a judge in Florida is able to do that?
And what's interesting is that I have no idea.
I have no idea why.
I just spoke to Mark.
I just spoke to Mark.
I'm like, bro, I don't know a lot about any of the stories today, so you're going to have to do it.
He's like, I'm good.
I research it.
Why does this one judge in Florida have all to say?
What that bitch has been doing for the last two years?
Yes, Florida's the best.
We know it's the best.
We run the whole shit.
You don't run the whole shit.
That is.
Stop talking out your mouth.
The judge is the best.
Miami.
The judge in New York overturned it, and then the whole country said, nah.
No.
Fuck it.
No.
And then Miami's dope.
The rest of y'all fuck animals, bro.
The rest of y'all fuck animals.
Yeah, bro.
How did Florida not get caught up in the Alabama shit?
They got some of that.
They do got some of that.
Some of them are.
What are you talking about?
Who's who?
Thank you.
Yeah, but you're fucking that cousin.
It's like I ain't got much to say.
You know how fire your cousin has to be the nut in her breath?
A Miami bitch.
Also, I don't take any of this shit because I'm pretty sure incest is legal in New Jersey.
Like, it's like up here where you guys are.
You're making a case for incest, though.
It's not, you guys have incest being legal, and in Florida, it's not even legal.
It happens.
Incest, they're Italian.
He don't know about the Florida judge, but he knows about incest.
Yeah, come on, sir.
How'd you even Google that that quick?
What?
The incest rules?
Yeah, you just looked that up.
No, I have it.
It's my homepage, incest.com.
That's why he couldn't research the topics.
You got to try to get a marriage through.
I have one of my boys come to the show, man.
I haven't seen him for so long.
And I won't say his name because he got friends that listen to the podcast.
And it was so funny.
He was like, you know how people think you're going to talk about them on stage?
I'm sure you guys see this, right?
And we don't, but like, it would be ridiculous.
I would talk about my friend from high school that I haven't seen him in a decade.
But at the same time, you're worried.
And he goes, man, I thought you were going to tell that story.
And I was like, what story?
He goes, remember when I told you I lost my Virginia and my second cousin, it didn't count.
And I go, what?
He goes, he goes, well, yeah, it didn't count, bro.
Who's keeping in the family?
He came back.
He came back one summer.
It was high school.
And he comes back.
He walks into my room.
He goes, Son, I ain't no virgin no more, son.
And I was like, oh shit, who you doing?
He goes, yo, my second cousin.
I was like, what?
And he didn't even know it was wrong until I told him, bro.
Oh, my God.
What number is it not wrong no more?
Third.
Third is negotiable.
I ain't third.
He's like, come on, third cousin.
You don't lie to me, but you don't know the numbers, right?
How does that work?
Like, yeah, come on now.
Third is that's how far away is that?
That's not even family at that time.
Genetically, I think first cousin is like 15%.
What is what is what is first cousin?
That's just your cousin.
Second cousin is your cousin's children.
Children.
Third cousin is your cousin's children's children.
Yeah, fucking great, great-granddaddy.
Or like your cousin, me, my cousin, or our kids are cousins.
If we're cousins, does that make sense?
Definitely.
You got a lot of cousins that you're not related to.
If you're not at the family reunion, I'm fucking, dog.
Get out of here.
They are.
Yeah, that's how I'm saying.
What if they have plus one, though?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
What do you mean?
Hey, can we be honest?
Family reunion, mad inclusive.
It's a very inclusive event.
Yo, that's a good ass.
Like, you invite your whole family to them Indian weddings.
My wife went to the family reunion.
Genetic Cousin Confusion00:08:17
You know what I mean?
She came and hung out.
Wait, your family reunion?
Yeah, she came to our family reunion.
Okay.
She's married, bro.
Yeah, look at that.
Yeah, I know.
That's my point.
By your rules.
We're trying to talk about fucking cousins.
Stop being a wife.
You're no weird.
His rule is that if they go to the family reunion, you can't fuck.
But it's like, yo, your girl's going to go to the family reunion.
Yeah, that's it.
Andrew's question is the plus one.
But I'm talking about, yeah, the plus ones, obviously, because that's not blood.
Yeah.
But what would you smash if you had a little of the same blood?
I think third cousin is a good one.
Third cousin, right?
I think that's fair.
Al, third cousin.
How much of the same blood is that?
Third cousin.
Can we let go?
Can we zero both?
Dove, can you bring up your 23andMe and just tell us?
Can you just tell us really quickly how you're related to everybody in Morocco?
What?
Oh, man.
My grandfather.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
Al got to explain his autism.
Tell us about.
Tell you where the tism come from, Al.
Let's go, baby.
I never did.
But it was my grandfather's funeral.
And so just family started coming out the woodwork.
I think this motherfucker had family that I just didn't know about.
Yeah, yeah.
That was just a baddie there.
Like, me and all my first cousins were looking like, just wondering, how related?
What's your last name?
Like, we really like asking a lot of questions.
Bro, it's not that.
Al, anybody smash?
Nah.
No?
You bagged her number?
Nah.
So a parent's got a child.
A parent and a sibling got 50% of the same genetics.
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
A first cousin is only 12.5%.
That's what I'm saying.
Okay, so then second cousin is second cousin's 3.2.
Third cousin, that's a stranger.
0.78.
Third cousin, you're cleared, though.
That's less.
That's 1%.
What's the difference between us and chimpanzees?
1%, right?
Probably.
Yeah.
So I don't know what point you're making.
Yeah, I was like, keep going.
No, but I'm having fun, though.
I'm just saying, if you fuck your third cousin, you make a chimpanzee.
Is that how we made that?
That's how evolution works.
Is that how evolution works?
You have sex with a third cousin and you make a chimpanzee.
It's like donkeys.
A donkey is like a horse and a mule or something like that, right?
Yeah, exactly.
That's chimpanzees.
Second cousin, not that crazy.
Pure Mac?
You're wild.
12.5%, bro.
It's 97% different.
So, wait, what is 12.5%?
That's the percent that it becomes retarded?
Like, that's the chance of the kid being retarded?
I don't think that's so.
No.
If that 12.5% meets, the kid is retarded or no?
Yeah.
I think the chances are actually lower than we're led to believe, to be honest with you.
It sounds like I want to fuck all my cousins.
But I'm not wrong.
But also, you call everyone cousins, so it's different for you guys.
That's true.
Yeah, everyone's a cousin.
Everybody related to Indians.
Yeah, exactly.
There's a billion of us, so we're just incesting out here.
Yeah, what can you do?
So, cousins mean nothing to you.
No, I wouldn't have sex with a cousin.
I was saying, I think I saw this in Rami.
The apparent, like, the scientific, the science that you're going to have a retard with first cousins is blown out of proportion.
Or maybe it's in his special.
But blame Rami Youssef.
And wait, wait, What was he saying?
That, like, it's not that bad.
Like, the chances of getting...
That's most of human history, right?
You had to smash your cousin.
That was just life.
But do you also think that's Islam trying to take over by reducing our IQ?
By making us fuck our family until our IQ is low.
You're saying a reverse crusade?
Yeah.
Do you think that's what Rami's really trying to do?
Maybe he's just trying to get white people to fuck each other and black people to just fuck each other.
No.
So the judge of Florida is not a Floridian judge.
This guy's crazy.
I'm doing some Googling.
Please, please do it.
Please.
Usually, before the podcast, we're like, no.
What the fuck?
I forgot we were talking about masks.
Yeah, we're talking about masks.
We were trying to talk about important social issues.
We're talking about policy.
Come on, come on.
So she's a federal judge that is in Florida, not a Florida judge.
This is in Florida.
Yeah.
Appointed by Trump.
How many of them do we get?
How many federal judges are talking about incest?
You got districts all over the country.
Why does this one judge have so much power?
Are there 50 judges and it's got to be 5149 in order to pass some shit?
No, it's because someone filed a lawsuit against the government like a Health Freedom Act, something like that.
She's the district judge.
She reviews it.
I'm sorry, you knew this the whole time?
Where were you, bro?
Why are we giving us incest facts?
I'm just a smarter Googler.
That's an insult.
Mark is not going to feel good about that.
Ask me a Google anything.
I'll do it right now.
Go.
Oh, maybe now I can confess.
Remember that time I solved that riddle?
Wait, what?
What riddle?
Remember we were doing riddles?
Mark's stupid riddles.
Oh, you cheated?
Yeah, I absolutely cheated.
Wow.
Wow.
What riddle?
We would get you giving it up to him, too.
What riddle?
What riddle?
It was some riddle.
I don't even remember.
We were doing gay shit that he was doing about riddles.
Why riddle's gay?
It's not gay.
It's just this.
Clearly, you didn't fuck girls growing up.
That's what I'm about to say.
I just had to confess at some point.
There you go.
Gays get ass.
Gays don't got type of riddles.
Are you sucking or not?
That's the riddle.
I really want to know.
Dumb, you really deceived us.
So, Mark, so this judge shot it down.
So that means that we don't have any more masks on the planes.
You're not required to, but a lot of people still can't.
Which is fine, but you can't give me any shit.
Yeah, but private airlines and airports can still require it.
No, no, no.
Every airport, every airline basically is like, no, you don't need to.
I think they were just dying for this to happen.
Airports are at the mercy of the local government, I think.
So LaGuardia and JFK, you're still supposed to.
Oh, so you don't even got to do that shit at the airport?
Most airports.
LaGuardia and JFK, you do.
Yeah.
And New York City Public Transit, you do, because New York has not overturned it yet.
They said they're waiting to see if Biden appeals.
And if they do, then whatever.
They're some cucks.
But pretty much everywhere else, you're mask-free in the airport and on the plane.
Delta dropped it.
United dropped it.
Uber dropped it.
Lyft dropped it.
We're free, baby.
And pilots came on the intercom and told everyone that people were like dancing in the aisles and like throwing their masks away and like the flight attendant was coming down.
Yeah, but imagine if they were singing Easter song.
End of the world.
Yeah, what a tirade some people would have if they believed in the Lord and Savior.
Jesus Christ.
Yo, Jesus Christ is so lit, dude.
Wow.
When Jesus is a little bit more, Jesus Christ is so lit.
If you want Andrew to believe in God, just have an annoying atheist around him.
It's that easy.
He'll be in church tomorrow.
It's that easy.
If you want Andrew to believe anything, just have an annoying opposite person.
That's it.
It's that simple.
It's really that simple.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm easily manipulated.
Yeah.
Like the opposite way.
Whatever person he's trying to manipulate you into, you're like, not fucking bad.
Like if somebody cares like deeply about something, facts, right?
Like why you care so much, bro?
Like, if you just cared a little less, then I'd be like, oh, that's fire.
But when they care so much, especially if it's about something that doesn't relate to them in any way, that's the worst.
Yeah.
When people care about just some stupid, like at least with religion, you're like, you get to go to heaven.
Salvation.
There's salvation.
Like, I get that.
You're like, all right, you get some shit at the end.
But like, fucking socialism?
Do you know what I mean?
What a fucking loser, right?
Like, wealth of quality.
Right?
Like, your whole life, fam, you're going to give it up for that?
Go get a job, bro.
Why don't you get a job a little bit?
Do you know what I'm saying?
You talk about Jaden Smith right now, bro.
Is that what he does?
That's what he said in the interview.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, the social, political problems of the world.
Yeah, we were dying laughing at that fucking video.
Could talk about two bucks bit going so far in your mouth, pussy.
But China, oh my god.
For real, though.
Trash Comedy and Identity00:15:02
That is another thing that annoys me.
Passionate kids, bro.
Just enjoy toys and candy.
Yeah, I agree.
Fuck out of here, bro.
I agree.
Credit thumbnail.
Credit thumbnail.
Bitch could be right about everything, but you're too young.
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Bah, done.
Which card do I need?
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Yo, infamous tour, okay?
Atlantic City sold out.
Vancouver is the last place that you can come see us.
That's it.
That's the last place.
There are two shows.
They might be sold out for all I know.
Just go check that shit.
But that is the last time you can see the infamous tour and then it's done.
Never be done again.
Kind of crazy to even say that.
The last two shows that are potentially available, those tickets might be sold out.
I'm not sure.
That are potentially available will be in Vancouver, Canada.
Crazy.
Dandrshows.com.
Akash, what you got?
First of all, I forgot to thank you guys before, but Toronto, thank you guys for selling out four shows.
My first theater.
So fucking hype.
Can't wait to see you guys this weekend.
April 28th through 30th, I'm going to be at the Stress Factory in Connecticut, the Stress Factory of Fairfield.
May 12th through 14th, I'm going to be in Tacoma, Washington at the Tacoma Comedy Club.
And May 19th through 21st, we're going to be in Holland, Muskegon, and Grand Rapids, Michigan.
We also added a second show to Grand Rapids.
Thank you guys for buying up so many tickets on the Saturday show.
Get those tickets and tickets for every other date I have at AkashSing.com.
Now let's get back to the show.
I think it's good we're talking about this because Derek is an expert at a few things.
Okay.
Expert at comedy, expert sports, expert at music, and an expert at movies.
Okay.
And that's the shit y'all know, bro.
I'm great at everything.
I said it all.
He does claim to be great at everything.
So far, it has worked out that way.
But why do you bring this up, Mark?
Because Derek has some of the most insane movie takes I've ever heard in my life.
For example, bro, you ready?
Yeah.
Number one: Denzel Washington is not that great of an actor.
Wow, he went there.
What you going to do?
This is one of the dumbest things.
This is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.
That's why kids can't talk, bro.
That's why kids can't talk because they're 60.
I wish you were telling Kelly right now.
I wish you were hella killed for you, Jeff.
He can't act.
Back it up.
Bro, he's a good actor.
He picks great movies.
He makes movies better.
But the skill of acting, the skill is range.
I don't agree with that.
Range is the whole game, bro.
If you got to be able to, the skill is acting.
Don't agree.
Bro, he's always an angry black man.
No matter what.
That's why.
Are they happy?
What is there to be happy about?
That was a better way to say it.
What is there to be happy about?
Why are you bringing that?
There's racism in the world.
Bro, why are you bringing that?
Let me be in Gotham.
Let me be in another world.
Nigga, let me be in fucking middle earth.
Well, I gotta be a black.
I want to see you.
I want to see this nigga be retarded.
I want to see him be.
I am Sam.
That's what I'm saying.
You remember I Am Sam?
Yes.
That shit was crazy.
Fire.
That shit was crazy, bro.
What's the guy?
His name is Ukraine.
Sean Penn.
Yeah.
That was crazy that movie.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Wasn't that crazy?
That's crazy.
What are you about to say?
What are you talking about?
But it wasn't like they were actually going to trial to see whether a fucking retard could be the owner of a kid.
Yeah.
You don't need to go to court for that.
Why?
You just go, oh, look, he's fucking retarded, and maybe he can't raise his daughter.
Right?
Like, the whole movie was like, should we or should he not?
Well, you got to check, though, right?
Yeah, but Brittany still got her kids.
Say again?
Britney Spears still got her kids, though.
I don't think she does, to be honest with you.
Yeah, she still got her kids, bro.
She's allowed to have them.
She's making another.
They're going to take that one away too, bro.
They gave it to K-Fed.
He's not much, boy.
Yeah, K-Fed is brilliant, bro.
Wait, they're going to take her new kid?
K-Fed a real world.
They got to take her new kid.
Like off-rip?
They must, right?
She's crazy.
I don't think they're going to.
She's not in a conservatorship anymore.
They got no grounds.
Oh.
So I think she gets to raise this kid and fuck it up.
And then we all just get to watch it happen.
This is really sad, man.
I know.
We made the podcast sad.
I know.
Geez.
But Derek was also saying that Malcolm 2.
It's not that good.
Malcolm X was a trash movie.
What?
Nah.
Bro.
He's at Malcolm X. Get out.
Wild.
There's no way that's a trash movie movie.
You don't like black people either.
And Training Day.
You don't even live in New York.
You don't like black people, bro.
Training Day Fire.
Malcolm X. You can change the architect.
I didn't know a hot take.
Training Day, not even close to Denzel's best work.
That's not that hot of a take.
Not even close.
If you're a real Denzel fan, not even close.
And what is?
I like Malcolm X. Man on Fire.
That Man on Fire is so good.
So I would hire Denzel to babysit my white kid so fast, bro, after that movie, bro.
Like, there's nobody on this earth that will protect your child like Denzel would.
Facts.
Man on Tide.
Book of Eli.
Crimson Tide.
American Gangster.
All the movies.
American Gangster.
Remember the Titans.
Remember the Titans.
Oh, John Kiwi.
John Q. Keep proving my point, dog.
John Key.
Yes, he is.
How powerful he was.
Yes, he is.
He was mad.
He was desperate.
He was desperate.
Pursuit of happiness, bro.
Will Smith.
Phil Smith.
That was Will Smith.
Dang.
You don't mean when he slapped the shit on his son, bro?
What do you mean?
He wasn't angry in fences.
Bro, he's literally looking at his son going, look at me, little nigga.
I didn't see him like you.
I didn't see a movie that shit.
I'm not going to lie.
That shit made me feel uncomfortable, bro.
Really?
Because he was so unlikable and I love him.
And the son was like, Do you even like me?
And then he was like, I don't have to need to like you.
That's all right there.
Philadelphia.
Angry.
Great, but angry.
I didn't watch that shit, bro.
The range in that is Tom.
I don't do that shit.
Crazy, bro.
I'm talking about the skill, bro.
That's crazy, bro.
Y'all are talking about movies.
You would come in here with a Lakers hat, bro.
Like, just let y'all know a season.
Just a losing team, right?
Was he angry in Glory?
Yeah.
You remember him fucking getting whipped?
And he's like, wait, Glory?
He's a slave?
Yeah, yeah.
No, he's in the army.
He is a slave.
They literally.
Yo, That's crazy you think that, bro.
He's literally in the army, bro.
Slaves can be in the army, bro.
Can they, though?
Yeah.
But they talk about how in like they were like, because they always say, like, man, people, you know, stand up for the flag.
Remember that whole comic capacity chicken?
They were like, I fought for this country.
And it's like, bro, plenty black people fought for this country, even during slavery time.
But then they got their freedom.
But he was free, but they still punished him.
That's what the Buffalo Soldiers were.
Using a whip.
He wasn't that free.
That was the Buffalo Soldiers, the Black, what is it called?
The Black, not Cadets.
What are the Black Battalions?
Yeah.
The Black Battalions.
They basically sent out West.
No, I know you're from.
My uncle's one of them.
Really?
Yeah.
He's an actual Buffalo soldier.
Yeah, he's still like, so on the Rose Bowl Parade, bro.
He still rides.
He like rides with them.
They do the Buffalo Soldiers ride through the Rose Bowl Parade every year.
He does that shit.
He got his own Buffalo fucking horse and everything, bro.
Is he like 150?
I would be like, Derek, that's just Morgan Freeman.
That's how old this motherfucker is, bro.
Okay, okay, okay.
More trash movie takes because there's no way that Denzel.
That's off.
Bro, by trash, you mean absolutely correct and 100% accurate.
Okay, go, go, go.
I, I fuck with all Jed Apothell's comedies.
I do like them.
Yeah.
But that is what ruined comedy movies.
And that is why there are no more.
I want to hear this.
I'm in so far.
Go on this take because next time I bump into Judd at the cellar, I'm going to have to bring this out to him.
So go on this take.
You made great movies, Judd.
You made some of the best, but you ruined comedy movies because you made it about identity and a coming of age tale.
And comedy movies should be like seeing someone grow into this kind of whatever, better person, whatever kind of person they're going to be.
Fuck that.
A comedy movie is, it's just like a sitcom.
It's, yo, this, a pet detective, go.
You know what I mean?
A guy with a crazy golf swing, go.
It's a fucking, it should be simple.
Four guys go to Vegas.
They forget everything.
Go.
You build out.
You don't build like, let's go with the story.
Like, let's go with this person and grow with them.
And that's all his movies are.
And they're funny.
You know what I mean?
The last one, what he did was like 40-year-old was exactly what it should have been.
A 40-year-old version.
Let's go from here.
That's a great, that's a great premise.
And then it was like knocked up.
Like, oh, what happens if you get a person knocked up?
But let's see the guy grow with the girl and the girl grow with the guy.
And it's like, okay, it's still funny.
And then it kept going like Trainwreck, let's see, or King of Staten Island, or, you know what I'm saying?
Like all these movies now.
And that's why there's no comedy movies now because that's all they want.
They're like, oh, well, this works.
We want to see identity.
We want to see someone become themselves or whatever the fuck.
And it's like, no, I want to see retarded dude who can hoop.
Go.
Like, really hoop.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, that's a comedy movie.
And that's why Judd ruined comedy books.
So you really think he ruined them?
Yeah.
They're never going to be.
He's trying to copy him.
Yes.
And you're like, okay, he can do it good.
Yes.
But other people can't do it good, but everybody's modeling off of him.
Yes.
It's like right now with comedy in the net.
She did it the best.
Or like with Jon Stewart.
It's like Jon Stewart was amazing at it.
Then other people try to replicate what Jon Stewart did without the nuance.
They're just like, I'm going to be left-wing about everything or I'm going to be right-wing about everything.
And then the comedy was no longer surprising.
Yes.
But John was actually out there doing the work.
Yeah.
I see what you're saying.
Well, I don't think he would disagree with that take, to be honest with you.
Yeah, so I agree.
Because it takes a special skill to go on that journey.
That being said, I do like the idea that there's nothing redeeming about this character.
Like, I think that's kind of funny.
Like, the pet detective thing is kind of funny.
Like, you solve the problem, but you don't really change the guy.
That's what I'm asking.
I just want to grow with him.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to see the four guys figure out what the fuck they did in Vegas last night and then still be that way.
Even Happy Gilmore grew, but it didn't matter that he grew.
He learned to control his temper of beauty.
He learned how to putt, bro.
That's not growing.
He's like, learn how to put.
And it's literally about learning how to put.
No, but he don't fuck people up anymore and all that shit.
So he's a little controlled.
It's not about the growth.
Yes, it's not about that.
It's about this crazy movie.
That's a byproduct of the script, just getting to its end place.
So that's why you'll never see another comedy movie.
It's over.
Just then there's a second thing.
Sam King Ro was the last great comedy movie we'll ever see.
We'll never see another one.
We'll ever see.
We will never see another one.
In 20 years?
You know what I mean?
So it's going to be like, oh, let's write something funny.
Bro, we're leaning more into identity.
And identity is not funny.
That's not true.
I Am Sam 2 is coming out.
I am Sam 2.
That is the sequel.
That's the sequel, bro.
He's in Bob Sledder.
And they didn't even use the Bob Sled.
They just, they roll him down.
And it is crazy, bro.
It is wild, dude.
You guys got to tell you, I Am Sam 2 coming to the theaters.
Jeez.
I also wonder if TikTok and other external content has made funny movies less interesting.
Yeah.
Why?
You know what I mean?
Like, you're able to get your fix as far as laughter.
And it's like, if I'm going to go to a movie, I want big, multi-million dollar cinematics, like theatrics.
I want CGI and the whole deal.
And that's what you're paying for.
And I think a lot of the talent is going that way.
And they're like, I'll just make my own shit, make a ton of money, and have complete control over everything.
Yeah.
So they're not as cultivated in this.
I will say one funny comedy surprised me was Girl's Trip.
Tiffany Haddish is so fucking funny in that movie that it carries the whole thing.
Every line.
Bang, bang, bang.
But she is the only part of it that's like that.
The rest of the movie, the girls are all like growing to be better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Tiffany Haddish carries it over the top.
She does.
So fuck.
If you haven't seen it, I'm so impressed.
Every line she makes funny.
Every fucking line.
Yeah, she made that movie a hit.
No, no question.
You might be right because I'm looking at this list: top five or the top comedy movies of the last five years.
Number one is personal history of David Copperfield.
Kill yourself.
Love Simon.
Into the Spider-Verse.
What is this?
NPR.
This is screenrant.com.
The funniest comedy films for the last five years.
I can't, I can't find it.
What are the highest grossing?
Let's look up highest grossing.
That'll tell you something.
Because the people speak louder than the critics.
So far, you're one for one.
Okay.
I'm too broken.
You guys changed the Denzel argument in the middle of the argument.
One kick.
One and one.
One and one.
Yeah, one and one.
Not one for one.
Yeah.
See why I was.
Oh, that was the rubber two.
See why I was impressed earlier.
It's not racist.
I knew what the fuck I was talking about.
Again.
You're definitely two and a half.
Mark next.
What are we talking about?
You got another movie take?
Oh, bro.
I can call that.
This guy, this him?
Marvel Infinity War is the greatest movie ever made.
Not superhero movie, not fucking any.
It's the put it up against anything.
It's the number one movie and it's the peak of cinema.
And they will never make anything better.
There will never be a better movie experience.
There'll never be a better overall story.
There'll never be a better anything.
This is the one before Endgame.
Are you including it?
No, I do not including it.
Endgame is just a superhero movie.
Infinity War is a movie.
And it's better than Shawshank.
It's better than fucking name a movie, bro.
The prequel to I Am Sam.
Literally one of those.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be sick.
I will be sick.
That's an awesome.
And when you see that retarded sperm swim back in his dick and you're like, what are you doing?
It is pretty fucking special.
That movie.
You got to see that shit.
That is.
Don't know Sperm is swimming.
Yeah.
One of the two cousins fucking.
Yeah, yeah.
It's 12.5%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, but Infinity War is the first part of the Avengers, the final Avengers, which is Infinity War Endgame.
And the reason it's the best movie of all time, start at the end.
They lose.
That's what makes it already top, top-notch.
That's why it's already up there with the departed or other things, you know, Reservoir Doors and movies like that, pulp fiction, where it's like, nigga, there's no winner.
Nobody wins.
Tom Brady Movie Comparisons00:09:28
The best movie, you can't win.
You can't walk out feeling good.
You got to walk out feeling, you got to walk out thinking.
You know what I'm saying?
In Infinity War, you cry.
It starts amazing.
There is no breaks.
They exactly pace it.
It's the best pace movie I've ever seen in my life.
First five seconds of the movie, the Hulk is getting his ass beat.
The Hulk.
So you're already like, whether you know anything about superheroes or not, you know, like, oh, that's the Hulk.
The beginning is fire.
That's the Hulk.
I know he's a stroke.
That's fire.
When Thanos gets fucked up a little bit, and then a guy's going to step in.
He goes, no, no, let him have his fun.
That's what I'm saying.
That's fine.
That's one.
It's so fire.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
There's never been a better movie, and there never will be.
Two for three.
Three for three.
You just go, you're convinced now.
Best movie ever.
Wait, I'm trying to think, best movie ever.
Is that better than Shawshank Redemption?
Absolutely.
He wins.
Doesn't he?
He is great.
His whole life he spends getting buffed.
Yeah, he got fucked by dudes many times.
Yeah.
That's a tough one.
And then his like gritty, some would say.
Like the final outcome is like he's got to live in Mexico on a boat.
And he swam through actual doo-doo to get there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All that.
All that's great, but you don't cry.
You didn't cry at Shaw Shankar.
You don't cry at Shaw Shank.
You don't cry, bro.
Yeah, you're bro.
When he reveals that he broke out, you're not like, oh, like you're not crying.
You're just like, I stood up and watched in the fucking room of the movie by myself, like a loser, stood up, raised my arms, like a biggest door cut.
That's not crying.
That's the same feeling that Rudy gets you.
That's winning.
A movie.
A movie.
You stood up and just put your hands up like rocking.
Yeah, celebratory.
I was like, yo, I'm not having sex for a long time, but this is still fire.
But this is still fire.
But what part?
What part?
When he gets free and you see how it all happened, you're like, oh, this motherfucker.
But were you just excited that he was swimming through shit?
Like, it was sort of relatable to you?
Like, yeah, you didn't get that autograph.
So, like, The Godfather is not better than the Godfather.
Godfather's great, but no, Infinity War is the greatest movie of all time.
Because you cry, bro.
Spider-Man dies.
You start crying for everyone in the theater.
Also, I include theater experience.
Mr. Stark, Mr. Stark, you see Robert Downey.
I can't save him.
Yeah.
Spoiler alert.
Yeah.
Spoiler alert.
Motherfucker.
Mark hadn't seen it today.
Read the Wikipedia yet.
Also, bro, yeah, your movie doesn't even count, bro.
If there's fucking like, oh, there were 13 people in the theater.
Shut the fuck up.
Sold out five, seven weeks in a row.
Every seat filled.
Everybody reacting the same way.
That is an experience.
That was a fucking movement, bro.
Like, Infinity Door.
And in-game's only, everybody's like, oh, in-game, that's only because of Infinity War.
That was just you.
You are, you had to, like, you came and you already have to, like, you know, or actually, no, Infinity War is all the fucking and endgame is coming.
The best part is, I mean, it actually depends what you like, but I like the fucking part.
I like the fuck.
You know what I mean?
Coming and it's over.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
So that's why Infinity War, it's just pound for pound, the greatest movie ever made.
Okay.
Okay.
Acting cast.
The cast is insane.
I mean, bro, it's perfect.
You think it has good representation for minorities and disabled people?
Dude, Black Panther's in it.
Captain Marvel's in it.
One black dude, a retarded bitch.
That's come on.
Come on.
She shouldn't even be me in it, but I'll let her be in it.
I'll let her in this.
Wait, why did she retire?
She's in Jail Endgame, right?
Oh, actually, you're right.
She's not in Infinity War.
Yeah.
That's why it's so good.
That's why it's a perfect fucking movie, dog.
That's why it's perfect.
Okay, Mark, what else we got?
Oh, there was one more movie thing we were arguing about in Pittsburgh.
I forgot what it was.
Is that Brad Pitt was hotter than who was the other person?
Do you remember?
Oh, Leo.
You rank Leo way too high.
Leo's the greatest actor of all time.
And it's not even close.
Guys, I'm from Oregon.
Not even close.
This is going to last long because I'm not going to be able to do it.
No, Leo is right.
Leo's the definition of rain.
Okay, he's just walking.
Let's start doing the same thing.
Once he didn't go great.
What is he?
Yeah, but he was a child retardist.
Gilboo.
That's even harder.
And he was in the gold real life.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Gilbo.
Kilbu.
Gilboo.
This is all he did to be retarded.
He just found that retarded people flick their fingers like that.
That's not hard.
Gilboo.
But they do.
Gilbo, can you count Mom Jones too?
Hey, Gilboo.
That's pretty good.
That's really good.
Hey, Gilboo.
You've been a great actor this whole time.
Yeah, I actually know how to activate it.
It's hard.
You can only do one role, though.
Hey, Gilboo.
Mom became part of the band.
She's just trying to kill mom off the bed, but she don't come off the bed.
It's like trying to get a free roll-up over the stickers.
Gilboo?
Gibbo.
You're just typecast his downstream.
Yeah, I have to do that.
That'd be fired.
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
So then why is he the best actor?
That was so easy what I just did.
That he's a slave owner, which is the greatest slave owner of all time.
He made slave owning cool.
Bro, you watch Django.
I'm not rooting for nobody but Calvin, dog.
I root for Calvin.
Calvin Candy.
Derek, please.
Calvin Candy, dog.
How the fuck are you going to tell me, bro?
Don't be like, oh, he black.
I guess not, nigga.
I like Calvin.
You watch that.
Don't tell me you watch Django.
And when the first hour and a half of the movie is great.
When he comes on screen, that's when you tuned in.
That's when you like black or white.
That's when you lock the fuck in.
That's when Calvin got on stage.
It was, but the stakes got real.
And that motherfucking red coat showed up, boy.
You see him turn around and look at the camera.
And he's fucking like, you know what I mean?
And it's two niggas just fighting.
And he's like, bro, out of here.
Out of here.
This is old bitch.
Like, all of it's fire.
Okay.
Damn.
He's been the wolf, son.
The wolf of Wall Street.
And he was the wolf.
You know what I'm saying?
Departed for that one.
Departed his range, bro.
You believe he's a fucking undercover.
He's a fucking time in Hollywood.
He's great.
Oh, my God.
Just a fucking failed actor.
I mean, come on.
Denzel could never.
I love you, Den.
I love you, bro.
But you're going to have to be a retard getting eaten by a bear slave on him, bro.
Before I put you up here with him.
That'd be a fire movie.
Maybe they don't give those roles to black people.
Oh, shit.
That's a different argument.
Hey, I'm not talking about the system.
I'm talking about what it is.
We don't know what Denzel is capable of.
Also, I disagree because Denzel, you're Denzel Washington.
You have the fucking prowess to pick all these roles over a lot of these fucking white dudes who get there.
There's some movies for sure Denzel could get before Christian Bale if he wanted.
I think Denzel knows.
I don't know how to be a crackhead boxer.
I just think, I think Denzel knows his role.
I think Denzel could have played the fucking brother in that movie.
No, I'm saying he couldn't.
I think Denzel could have played Mark Wahlberg's sibling if he wanted to.
Yeah, he could have.
They're going to listen.
They're going to take the meats.
That's a true story.
It's 50%.
50% genetics, all right?
It could happen.
You never know.
But yeah, he ain't picking.
Denzel ain't picking nothing out of his range box, which is smart.
But that's why I'm sorry, bro.
You got to be to be up there with fucking Leo.
It goes Leo, Christian Bale, Dane Day.
You can switch Dane Day, Christian Belle, depending on how you feel.
But that's the three.
Daniel Day got range.
That's his inside man, Denzel not angry.
Yo, inside man, he's a smart crazy.
He's a smart guy.
He is smart.
Yo, Denzel's the man, dude.
I'm sorry.
I think Denzel got it.
That's the greatest of all time.
Because what he does is so great.
Because what he does, it's like Steph Curry can't really get to the basket that well, right?
He can't dunk.
He shoots the best.
Yes.
He doesn't defend that well, but he shoots the best.
And then because he shoots the best, he uses that to make everything else he does that much better.
So he can get to the basket because he can get guys to bite for the jump.
Tom Brady.
He elevates everything around him.
No, we're wrong.
He just does one thing incredibly well.
Tom Brady can't scramble.
He got no pocket movement.
Denzel's Aaron Rodgers.
Like, no, Tom Brady's Leo.
That's it.
No, you say that diversity and skill is what makes someone a good actor.
Yes.
Well, Tom Brady ain't got that.
He got the one skill.
No, Tom Brady's skill is I am the best football player ever.
But Aaron Rodgers can run.
He can throw.
He could do it all.
Aaron Rodgers can pick up the fight.
But he's not the one who's on third and 11, no problem.
Tom Brady not doing that.
All the football acting is different, right?
Definitely not.
I'm a living.
I'm a living this and still winning.
I'm still going with it.
What's he doing?
I'm just saying, right?
It's not that different, though.
It's not that different.
It's not that wrong, bro.
I guess it's the same.
I'm sorry, bro.
Leo's the GOAT.
This guy.
Daniel Day and Christian Bale.
And it's simple.
And it's because of range.
And GOAT is Tom Brady.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, because you're like, oh, he's Steph.
And it's like, I'll give you that.
Denzel is Steph, but LeBron or Michael, LeBron is Leo.
Daniel Day is not in my top five, bro.
What?
He's just doing this to be a good thing.
Because I don't like, no, no, I'll be honest.
I like actors that I can see them in the role.
That's why I like Denzel because I think it's Denzel.
I don't think he's playing a character.
That is Denzel.
Like, Denzel is that guy.
So you like bad actors?
He likes bad actors.
You know what you're supposed to do?
Because he can't act.
He likes actors who don't act.
Who else is in your top five?
Nicholas Cage.
Nicholas Cage.
Nicolas Cage.
Nicholas Cage.
That's your top two, baby.
Nicholas Cage is probably the greatest American actor on the show.
Number three, Michael Jordan in Space Jam.
Yeah, Michael Jordan also bugs Bunny.
Number four, Samuel L. Jackson.
Samuel Jackson is not that good, bro.
Same, I don't like Samuel L. Jackson.
Tarantino said he's maybe the best actor he's ever worked with, I think, about Samuel Danny.
Denzel as Steph Curry00:15:32
That what?
I don't know.
Tarantino said that shit, though.
He's saying shit.
I don't disagree with you.
To be honest, be saying, you're not wrong.
Whatever black guy lets me say the N-word a lot.
Yeah, he's the best actor ever.
Just be saying that shit, right?
Like, come on.
No, I think Daniel Day-Lewis, I don't know who he is, which I'm sure you like.
I don't like that.
So I don't need to see the Daniel Day-Lewis movie.
But if Denzel's in some shit, I'm like, ooh, you got two hours of Denzel into it.
I kind of feel that way about Leo a little bit.
I'm like, okay, I like this.
Yo, George Clooney, love it.
Yeah, he's fired.
He's great.
He's got some range.
I like the man, bro.
Ocean's 11.
You like a motherfucker dude who's the man.
I like the man, bro.
I want to see a hero.
I want to see a hero of the next movie.
He's a bitch.
That's what I like.
Oh, look at this.
Look at this bitch-ass motherfucker.
I can't.
Also, another reason: Denzel, not funny.
Leo's funny.
And to be funny is to me is the hardest kind of acting there is.
Yes.
Comedic acting is by far the hardest.
That's why none of them can do it.
And the motherfuckers that can be funny.
You can't pretend to be funny.
You can pretend to do everything else.
You pretend to be sad.
You can pretend to be happy.
You can pretend to do.
You can't pretend to be funny.
You can't pretend good timing, bro.
Yeah, you're either funny or you're not funny.
Yep.
Simple as that.
Like, dude, there are guys like, how do you feel about Jack Black as a comedic actor?
Top five.
Like, he's unbelievably funny.
Yes.
Like, he just is funny.
He knows how to be funny.
He oozes funny.
And maybe it's, you know, career choices, these types of things, but he has almost like that Jim Carrey thing where he can make things that aren't funny funny just by either physicality or delivery or all these things.
That is fucking hard, bro.
Bro, no lines.
10 minutes in a scene, no lines, be funny.
And have the house dying.
He could do it.
Impossible.
And that's what makes it so.
That's incredible, though.
Yeah.
That's incredible.
Okay.
Mark, what else we got?
There's one other movie genre that Derek likes.
What is it?
That we talked about before, if you're close to the film.
Oh, the greatest genre in film.
The stuff you just watched up there.
No, it's not fun.
No, that's men.
That's fucking funny.
Who's the Pittsburgh?
Is it Pittsburgh thing?
Kind of, but what's your favorite?
Because he asked a second ago.
He's like, are men done?
It's like, no, men will never be done.
Women, you're out of here.
Why is that?
They're replaceable.
Why?
Because Tranny porn.
Oh, tranny porn.
Wait, wait.
Trannies?
The greatest thing that ever happened.
Derek's favorite genre of film is trans porn.
Trans tranny porn, I call it.
But yeah.
Tranny porn, I call it.
Yeah, that's the greatest thing ever.
And you can say that because you're into it.
Love it.
I love it, bro.
I watched that shit.
Why do you like, you know, explain what the kiss my girl on the mouth, nigga?
Right after I come, I kiss Sam right on the mouth, though.
Derek's girl is here, by the way.
So we got to get her first.
You don't want to call her Samantha?
You want to call her Samantha?
Sam?
Sometimes I call her Samson.
Say Samuel.
Get over here.
No way.
I love Tranny Porn.
I fuck with that shit.
The long way, the strong way.
The long way, bro.
The strong way.
Okay, okay.
Now, why?
Why trade?
Now, we've talked about this before.
Why do you love Tranny Porn so much?
It is, we all watch porn, and it's the best of both worlds.
It is the reason we all use your hands like this art.
Well, because I have to let her.
I don't want people thinking this is hate speech.
Like, no, I thought about this.
I wrote it down.
Okay, this is all scientific.
Go, go, go, go.
Y'all watch porn.
Look at Al's face, bro.
Al, do you watch porn?
Son, this is worse than you, Denzel right now.
Because it's right.
I'm sorry, I'm right all the time.
Okay, go, go.
Okay, go.
We all watch porn.
Two reasons for both genders.
Basic.
With the guy, he's got to be in shape and he's got to have a leg of a dick.
Period.
You don't want to see no meat.
No one might want to see no jiggling.
And you don't want to see no small dick.
Period.
Point blank.
With the woman, she's got to be a bad bitch.
Fat ass, nice titties.
And Tranny Porn has found a way to like Dragon Ball Z go tanks that shit and fuse the best of both worlds.
Okay, so you got it.
So you got a big titties, good shape, but also big dick.
Huge.
A small dick, that's gay.
I don't watch that.
If she's got a small dick, I'm like, get this little dick nigga out of here, bro.
You're not even a woman.
You're not even a fucking woman.
You call yourself a woman with that dick?
You call yourself a woman, bro, with your soft ass.
No, bro.
You got to be hard dick, legged up, titties out, and a bad bitch.
And I'm all in.
Men are done, bro.
So, so, so, if there's a guy, for example, that's into tranny porn, but it's with smaller dicks, what do you think about them?
That's fucking gay, bro.
You want to see small dicks?
Who wants to watch porn and see a flaccid small dick?
A flaccid small dick is kind of disgusting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you see it on camera, it's fucking disgusting.
And you see it like getting fucked and it's flopping.
It's like, I'm already gross.
Now, you make that shit this and it look like this.
Now I'm like, wow.
This is artistic.
This is kind of beautiful.
It's like when you see those paintings in front, you know what I mean?
Like of naked people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, this is beautiful.
Now, how did you break this down to your girl?
I told her, hey, I like tranny porn.
Actually, no, she saw me go on stage once, and it was like 30 minutes of me talking about how great it was.
And she was just like, oh, that's what you wanted to do.
Sam, that's when you found out?
Yeah.
Yeah, she found you.
She found out she saw Sam one night and was like, that's what he's doing.
Because she knows I'm in that bathroom, bro.
But, you know, that's my time.
I let her watch her shows.
When she's watching Bridgerton, I don't say shit, nigga.
I don't say a fucking word.
That's it.
That's her.
That's too much.
Well, yeah, but at least the shit I watch is good.
The shit I watch get views.
I mean, Bridgeton gets views, but not the views I'm talking about.
Wait, what kind of motherfuckers?
I'm talking, nigga, 25 mil every day.
He's watching every win.
He's watching Mrs. Beast.
That's what it is, bro.
Okay.
Always something with your father.
I have to ask this question.
Why is the only one in this room?
Be honest, fucking with me, dog.
You watch that shit.
Ow, we know you're lying, but anybody else, no, you don't watch it.
I believe that.
No, no, no.
I believe I've watched a trans woman fuck a woman.
That's what he likes, I think.
I like that too.
No.
Two women that's lesbian.
I need another man and this woman.
I believe them, bro.
I believe in trans.
I believe them.
They're women.
I have to believe you.
You can't get mad.
I have to believe.
I have to believe.
Okay, so yeah, look at I got to put it on.
That's how I need to clarify.
That's how I need to clarify because I know what I got.
I know what I got.
He thought it was a trans woman fucking a woman.
So he was like, oh, yeah, I guess that's just like the old joke.
That's just more tits.
It's the same shit more tits.
No, no.
He likes.
I've never struggled with mental math so much in my life.
Go, So tell me what it is.
What are all the parts?
What are all the parts?
Who's?
Yeah.
I like.
A male that is not.
A man.
A porn star, a dude.
Yeah.
In shape, huge dick.
Fucking a beautiful woman.
With a vagina resting on top or with a dick resting on top.
With a big titties and also a huge dick.
And that is the kind of porn that I start my day with.
Wait, so there's two dicks in this scene?
Yeah.
A man and a woman.
Son.
No.
Look at that, y'all, bro.
Y'all niggas in the past, bro.
But y'all, y'all are playing Nintendo.
I'm on.
Fuck.
I got an oclus on.
Explain explain it to Al to really get out of the way.
No, no, I'm the joy of it.
No, because you're not getting it.
Explain the joy of it.
Because you're thinking about it.
This is gross.
Yeah, yeah.
Explain the joy.
It's not gross.
If you're thinking about a nigga that looks like me with a wig on, that is gross and gay.
It has to be a beautiful woman.
Just like all porn.
It has to be a beautiful woman.
She also has to have a gigantic penis.
But why?
Because that's really, because I believe in women.
I believe in their rights.
To have fun and do whatever they want.
Oh, I'm sorry, Al.
Al doesn't believe in human rights.
No, bro.
Apparently, I don't.
What do you mean?
You give me some pictures.
Al, if it's a beautiful woman, right?
Everything about her is a woman.
Everything's beautiful.
And then you get down to the pussy, but instead of a pussy, it's a baton.
That's weird to you.
But you got so many options, though.
Like to pull up.
Yeah, there's white ones and black ones and Asian ones.
All kinds of options.
You said huge dick Asians out the window.
Bro, they packing.
I've seen it.
Yeah, they're up.
So, wait, Al, that would be weird for you.
It's just not my cup of tea of porn.
Have you watched it ever?
Let's say, for example, you're seeing a straight porn star male suck a beautiful woman's huge dick.
I'm cool.
Even Sam doesn't do that.
That's kind of hot.
It ain't gay.
It ain't gay, bro.
You sucking a woman's dick.
That's as straight as you can do it.
That's the straightest way to suck dick, I think.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I'm crazy of straight ways to do it.
Is this a bit though?
No.
Lie about it, bro.
I'm always right.
I said it.
I'm always right.
I'm good at everything.
Has this created any issues in your guys' relationship?
Do you ever worry, Sam, about not being able to fulfill his desires?
Yeah, you don't have enough dick for this guy.
No, no, no.
I hope I can't fulfill his desires.
I'd rather him, you know, wear himself out in the morning.
Bro, that's cheat love.
Oh, oh, you need it too much.
So you need it too much.
Yes.
You need a nut every single day.
I nut twice a day, minimum, minimum, bare minimum.
And then the other days, depending on the day.
How much time I have and how much fun the day has been.
Y'all comics, bro.
Wow.
And I support that.
And you support.
What do you mean by you support that?
Like, keep nutting.
Bro, I come out the bathroom, relax, chill.
I hug her.
I don't attack her.
So he's been.
Question, question.
There's no attacks in the morning, dog.
She knows what it is.
Question, this might be a little too much, but then would you prefer if she wears a strap on?
No, that's gay.
Why are you making it gay?
Why are you making it so gay?
I'm recreating homosexuality.
I'm recreating, bro.
I'm not going to lie, dude.
I'm recreating the game.
You're fucking gay.
Yo, the way you ask questions is wild gay.
Finally.
Finally, you guys.
Finally.
Thank you.
I've been trying to come out all this time.
Derek, I feel you, dog.
I knew he was gay.
He had mom all the day, bro.
Okay, go, go, go, go.
Ask your question.
That's your gay ass question.
That's the question.
Because it recreates that scene.
What?
Oh, the strap on.
No, but he doesn't want to get fucked.
No, I'm fucked.
No, I'm not saying he's getting fucked, but just she just wears it just for the heck of it.
That's weird.
That's like a battle.
It blue lightsaber in the room.
You can get a black light.
I want flesh.
What if Sam said, I want to get a surgery so that I can have a penis?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you got to help her pick out the penis.
It would at least be a discussion.
No, I got to have.
No, because I got to have babies.
This is the problem.
This is the real problem.
Ladies, the moment we really learn how to impregnate these mega bitches, you're out.
You're out.
You're extinct.
Dinosaurs.
Dinosaur bitches, all of you, bro.
You think I'm not putting a baby in that fucking thing?
The fucking hand-eye coordination he'll have and the balance.
So you're saying vaginas are like flip phones.
We're just waiting for the technology to catch up.
Bro, Elon, fuck Twitter, nigga.
Figure out how we can put a baby in these nigga bitches.
No.
I don't got nothing.
So, so, what you're saying is: if Sam could have a penis and still produce a child.
Oh, my God.
You know, you know, what's that, Roll of Stones?
You can't always get what you want.
That's what that song's really about.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Holy fuck.
Honestly, bro, Miles, can we pull up a video?
Can we watch one?
Can y'all see it?
Understand.
I got some fire ones, bro.
I'll pull up a bitch.
You're gonna be like, that's Doja Cat.
I'm like, I told you.
It's not Doja Cat.
But imagine if Doja Cat had the biggest dick you've ever seen.
How many inches are we talking about?
I would feel differently.
What are we talking like?
This eight, ten inches porn dick.
Eight, eight, nine up.
Porn is eight and a half up.
That's porn.
But it just doesn't get any use.
It just swings there.
Like, why do you want to see it?
It's exciting.
It's a sword in the room.
There's something else deadly in the room.
You know what I mean?
It's something else that can cause problems.
Whoa.
This should, you know what I mean?
Two.
Two is better than one.
That's why.
I like, yeah, more.
More everything.
More everything on earth.
Stop fucking crying.
I have no idea, man.
No idea.
Miles, go ahead and pull that video up.
I think we can rap.
Put that little baby dick right now.
But you see the body?
That's now put a huge dick on that where it's out the screen and you're like, whoa.
See, it's not.
Just look at him.
Just look at him.
That's Daisy Taylor.
I know her.
Yeah.
And you're like Daisy, bro.
Shout out, Daisy, nigga.
Daisy's also asshole.
I love it.
Volla's into it.
Yeah, Volla's into it.
Volleyball, bro.
Don't let these niggas shame you.
Look at this girl.
Women.
I support women, bro.
I love them.
Wow.
They do look like women.
It's like the Cree in Marvel, bro.
You don't know what anymore.
Everybody could be anybody at this point.
Y'all niggas better get in the future, dog.
I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm in the future, bro.
Oh, wow.
You think Elon Musk is a bit more like that?
I'm trying to analyze something here.
No.
You watch porn.
You're watching a guy with a dick, straight porn.
So you are watching a dick.
Yeah.
You're watching a girl with pussy and tits.
Is it no more gay to watch that?
You're just watching it together.
Yeah.
Watching It Together00:03:16
You ever watch it?
You remember back in the day in the day?
Oh, but there's no pussy.
Yeah.
Yes, there is.
That's what makes it gay.
Yeah, there's no pussy.
Dude, once, okay, let me explain to you guys science.
Okay, once a woman has a penis, her vagina is now her butthole.
So she poops over a vagina?
They're just there different.
It's like a new, it's like a new being.
It's like a new animal.
It's like a butterfly.
It's just a new, yeah, it's a new thing that y'all aren't ready for.
I'm not ready.
Wait, so another question.
I'm curious about this: do you have any interest in living out these fantasies?
Like, if you were not in a committed relationship, would you be with a trans woman?
No, no, I'm scared.
It's like a subway.
It's like, nigga, once it gets real, it's like, oh, this is real now.
You know what I mean?
Once you see that long, you know what I mean?
That's when it's real.
What would be the safest environment?
Would you, would you do, like, I don't know, some activities with one?
You do jiu-jitsu or something like that.
Yeah, you see these motherfuckers.
I'm going to chuck you out twice.
Go out there, put a red light on both your balls, bro.
That'd be great.
No, but would you do that?
Is there like baby steps in there?
Bro, because I'm marrying that little motherfucker over there.
So if I was single, I would probably, everything else would be too scary.
I mean, if one of them were to suck my dick, and while she's sucking my dick, she pulled out her huge dick, I'd probably be like, wow.
Wow.
This is not gang.
This is a woman.
And I'd probably, I'd look at her and I go, I respect you.
And kiss her on the forehead.
Yep.
Witch.
And I'd be like, I think you deserve it.
I thought you meant witch, like W-I-T-C-H.
I was like, you, witch.
Okay, Al, any final thoughts?
Have you been turned?
No, I'm good.
You're not even gonna watch?
I'm just not.
I'm like, I'm a dinosaur.
You know, I like that old-fashioned shit.
Why don't you like this to be real?
Don't you fuck?
Don't you like something that maybe he's not into?
Possibly.
You like DMX and shit?
Fuck all that, bro.
That's the equivalent.
Yep.
Yeah, what is something that maybe Al would be into that you'd be like, nah, that's crazy.
You know, that disgusting straight porn?
That shit is.
Well, no, you like straight porn.
I like straight porn too.
Yeah.
You can't just watch training porn.
Then it's not, you know, it's just like anything.
It's like food.
It's like dessert.
It's like dessert, bro.
I'm not finna eat ice just ice.
So you don't start with it.
You work up to it?
No, he starts out in the morning.
Yeah, but is that the first thing you look at, or are you like, oh, I'm going to look at.
Oh, no, it just depends on what I feel like jerking off to.
It's like, do I want to just come or do I want to come?
If I want to come, nigga, I know what porn I'm cutting off.
You know, but if I want to just enjoy yourself, if you're trying to spin the whole block, bro, I'm trying to, if I'm trying to shoot the bathroom up, you know what I'm saying?