Ricky Velez and his co-hosts dissect his HBO special "Everything," recounting chaotic European tours involving bear meat in Norway and police chases, before analyzing the Alec Baldwin "Rust" shooting mechanics. The group debates offensive tweets by Ashley Marie Preston, critiques 23andMe ancestry results, and explores tax evasion strategies between Florida and New York. They contrast their public versus private school experiences in Queens, discuss the "curry game," and conclude by promoting Velez's new HBO Max special, "Ladies' Work," highlighting the ongoing tension between comedy, identity, and cultural commentary. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Fresh Off His HBO Special00:14:36
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant 2.
It's your boy Sheltie.
I'm here with Akash Sing, Alex Media, Mark Gagnott.
We even got the Truffle in here, and we have a very special guest, my dear friend.
One of the guys I you started comedy a little bit after me, but we came up around the same time.
Yeah.
Great guy.
Very happy for your success.
Recent success.
Fresh off his HBO special.
This is everything.
We have Ricky Velez in the building.
Show the people.
Here's everything.
Oh, here's everything.
Sorry.
Here's everything.
I like the campaign.
It's really cool in the city when I'm in an Uber looking over and seeing the, what are they called?
I don't know.
When they put the...
Yo, I think my dad's out there writing on them, though.
People be writing the rudest shit.
I saw one that was like, they took away the private area.
Yeah, they keep doing that.
They keep doing that.
And it's funny because they're not touching anybody.
But it's calling attention.
That's what I wanted from him.
So it was what it was.
It's crazy.
I loved it.
If you're fancy naked with the microphone hanging out, hanging down, Dick should be.
It was Small Man Games.
Mark Selinger took that photo.
Who?
The famous photographer, Mark Selinger.
Who's that?
I don't know.
He shot Obama's last day in office.
He shoots Bruce Springsteen.
He's the man, bro.
You had heavy hitters working on this special.
You said to me that the guy who did the lighting for Hamilton did your lighting.
Yeah, he does stage.
Oh, the stage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
I don't know.
Yeah, Judd works with the sickest people, man.
It's produced by Judd Abattow.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
Do not hold that against the special.
The special is the.
I knew this was going to start from the beginning.
We're going to go to the Lions Den, bro.
We're going to do Lions.
I mean this sincerely.
Ricky is one of the funniest motherfuckers on the planet.
And Mad Love, I think that you all.
I knew Andrew when he had that long hair.
Yeah.
And he had the long hair.
Looking like him.
So we had wild times.
I remember when I first met Ricky, Ricky was running the prom shows.
Remember this?
Broadway.
Was it Broadway Comedy Club?
And so the prom shows, basically what happened were, well, you could break it down.
How does the prom show work?
Bro, you just do shows at two o'clock in the morning for children who are drunk.
They were dope.
It was like the only stage time I was really getting at.
They were dope for you because you were their age.
Yes.
Don't ask people, bro.
Ricky was murder at these fucking shows.
And all those are like, why are we talking to teenagers?
Like, the fuck are we doing here?
But that's what it was.
So you had that long hair.
They were creeped out.
Yeah, that's true.
You look at it.
You're really tall, bro.
It's like you're telling sex jokes that work when you're talking to like 20-year-olds and 30-year-olds, but you're talking to like 18-year-old boys.
Yeah.
Yeah, they got it.
They definitely got it.
Yeah, it was the girls I was weirded out telling those jokes.
But like, so you would run the prom shows for that guy.
What was his name?
Eric.
I don't want to say his last name.
Okay, fine.
We won't do that.
I saw him at Dumbo House the other day, bro.
Yeah, I was like, this is not good.
Was he a little creepy?
Yeah.
Big time?
I always heard that about him.
Yeah, the rumor was that he was.
You know, Chris D was managed by him, too.
No.
Yeah.
Go to ask Chris D about him.
I don't know why.
Don't put that on me.
Did he?
Yeah.
So then what happened?
Dude, I don't know nobody else's name.
Eric Rivera before you.
Bro.
This guy's not snitching on him.
He likes his La Cato, dog.
I don't know.
No, he's the only New Yorker that stays snitching on everybody.
It's crazy, bro.
Hey, bro.
It's wild.
You and Rappingport, bro.
All these motherfuckers forgot where they were from.
She did the podcast.
I gotta protect you, bro.
This guy's out here.
You know, he's taking advantage of you young Latinos.
Do you know what I mean?
He's taking advantage of cute young Latino comics.
I had to go out there and do something about it.
I only did those prom shows to look after you.
He would go into the green room with you and I would go with you to make sure nothing happened.
Andrew, I love you so much.
You such full of shit.
I love it.
I'm going to protect you from him when he was trying to.
Know who you have to protect me from?
I'll be honest with you.
I'm talking about this guy.
I stayed trolling his Instagram.
Yeah.
Like the other day, he wrote that nice thing about your parents seeing the radio city thing.
And underneath it, I wrote, This is triggering to people that don't have parents.
And, bro, your fans be so funny about it.
Let them have this moment.
And I just leave that shit there until I know what you're doing.
And I'd be calling him, we're texting, and his fans are like, take that energy elsewhere.
Like, come on, you really think I'm over here crying.
Son, we had good moments, bro.
There's a hilarious video, y'all, in Amsterdam.
Oh, Andrew got high.
My God.
So fucking funny.
The highest I've ever been was with Ricky.
Obviously, crazy.
Wait, what happened?
Wolf cop.
I don't even smoke weed.
Do you remember the name of the play?
You're mentally.
No, Wolf cop was what I started saying.
Oh, my God.
That's crazy.
So, we're in Amsterdam for what, like three hours?
Three hours.
Why are you in Amsterdam?
Okay, we're doing it.
We got put on a tour through Caroline.
Okay, yeah.
So let's set this whole thing up.
So basically.
Let me get the lighter.
Basically, what happens is this, right?
Got it.
We basically do this New York comedy tour in Europe.
So we get to perform in.
Do you remember getting into the fight with all the kids from England like day two?
And they were like, there was no women on your tour.
And you're like, we didn't book it.
Oh, yeah.
And it's actually a very famous comedian now that likes to be successful.
Yeah, yeah.
It's who the only English guy everybody knows that's young.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
It was him.
You really not going to say his name?
I don't know it.
Oh, all right.
How does he be the only one?
Because he's like, he's popping right now.
He's popping right now.
Really?
Yep.
Bro, Ricky doesn't snitch.
I like that shit.
Anyway, I remember whenever that guy's a loser.
That guy's a shit.
I damn fuck that guy.
Dude, he was such a fucking loser, right?
He standing up for women's.
Say what?
He was standing up for women's.
Wasn't he?
No, he was attacking us because our show was stronger.
That's what was really happening.
We were having very, we were definitely the crazy tour, like a party.
If you don't know Ricky, he's a fucking murderer.
A fucking murderer on stage.
So we get to Europe for three years.
We're in the station in general.
Okay, go on.
We get to Europe for three hours.
And like, I'm somebody that's like, I don't like to miss shit, but Andrew likes to just go and do shit without even talking to anybody.
Like, he's just like, we're leaving the airport.
We find a cabinet.
We're doing a show in Amsterdam, by the way.
No, we're not.
We just stopped in Amsterdam and then we're going to another city.
We were doing five different cities, right?
Yeah.
Which ones were they?
Do you remember?
I know we went to Iceland, it was wild.
Oh, man.
That shit.
We were in Norway.
When Soldier Boy came out with that song.
Remember Norway?
I died.
I bombed in Norway.
No, that wasn't Norway.
That was where your boy was from in fucking Sweden, bro.
It was Stockholm.
I ate my dick.
I knew there was something wrong.
The homies always get fucked up and sick, bro.
I feel you.
And he had his homie with us.
And I got off stage and he's like, yo, you don't talk about drugs here.
Like, I opened up being like, yo, I'm high.
And they're like, no, Like, they don't fuck with that.
It was like Andrew on a prom show.
Yeah, I just bombed.
I didn't see your set, but I just walked past you.
We ate bear that night.
You think we're playing it?
We ate bear that night.
That's a real fucking story, dude.
They served us bear.
Of course, it wasn't going to be a good show.
I had a belly full of bear, dude.
How the fuck am I supposed to?
Bro, when you walk by me, dude, when you walk by, like, you know, the scene in the movie where, like, you're a ghost and the person doesn't see you, but you see them?
And, you know, like, that's what I felt like the ghost.
This is a guy that we've been living together for, like, the last week, and he just walks right by me.
And I go, Ricky, is everything okay?
He goes, fuck, sweet.
I feel that.
So, first stop, we land in Amsterdam to go onto another plane.
And Andrew's like, let's go, let's go.
We find a cab driver, right?
And the guy's just down to kick it with us for all three hours.
We just say, take us to the closest coffee shop to the weed spot.
Which is a mistake because every airport's in a bad neighborhood.
Yeah.
So we just in the hook.
I've been to Amsterdam.
I've seen like two black people the whole time I've ever been there.
We went to a place that was only strictly black people.
All the black people.
Just rockin'.
They weren't speaking any language we recognized.
It was impressive.
Dude, then they're telling me to take hash and put it behind my belt to bring it for the rest of the tour.
I'm like, dude, you guys are like, I'm not smuggling for you.
So we're like, give us your strongest shit.
No, no, no.
I said weakest.
You said strongest.
I said weakest.
I don't smoke weed.
So he gives us the weed.
Andrew don't smoke weed, but Andrew rolls the illest joints in the world.
That's really crazy.
I do roll a good joint.
So they give us white lotus.
Remember this?
Is that the name of it?
White Lotus.
Before that was hot.
That was the one.
And you smoked it.
You were fine.
More than fine.
I smoked it.
And I thought I was going to be able to bring you back to the airport.
You did think that was going to happen?
Oh, no.
Do you remember what happened when we got back to the airport?
Oh, no, no.
So this dude's wiling, bro.
He's smoking.
I saw a leather jacket.
Do you remember the leather jacket?
So, first of all, I see a wolf poster, right?
And then all of a sudden, I hear a cop siren, right?
You're hybrid.
So my hybrid connects to you, and I go, I go, Ricky, the wolf cops are COVID.
By the way, we've left our suitcases in this car with a man that we've never met before.
I'm on that white lotus, bro.
I'm on that white lotus.
The only video I saw is you laughing hysterically, talking about Wolf Cop.
Bro, I'm going crazy.
And then the guy pulls up somewhere.
We just stop at a level.
And Andrew turns to his right, and there's a leather coat sitting on top of like a mailbox.
But like placed there, like the mailbox has shoulders.
But over it.
And I just look at it.
And, you know, the wolf cops are chasing us.
And I just look at, I go, there's a leather jacket for no reason.
Do you still have that video?
I gotta find that.
It's so funny.
You sent it to me one day.
So funny.
That was unbelievably funny.
That was so much fun.
Then we get back to the airport and I'm worried about him.
So I'm not even paying attention to myself.
I can control myself, but I don't know how Andrew's going to get back to this.
Oh, no, this was great.
This is great.
This is great.
I'm the high one, right?
I'm the one that's going to fuck shit up at the airport.
I'm super high.
Okay, go.
So I'm like paying attention to Andrew and not myself.
And we start going through security and I just forgot to take everything out of my pockets.
So I'm looking at Andrew.
He walks through smooth.
Then me, they don't just do it, like pat you down on the floor, bro.
They put you basically like in the air so everybody can watch you be like now I'm standing on like two milk crates doing a milk crate challenge in the middle of the top of the airport.
You gotta understand like this is back when Ricky used to dress like Chris Angel.
Like everything on him on him was metal.
He had like three, be honest, you had like three necklaces.
You had like bracelets and all this kind of shit.
And you're in the machine.
It wasn't like a beeping thing.
It was like the machine where you throw the triangle up, right?
So he's in the machine, and they're looking at him crazy when he walks in the machine because he's got so much options.
He's in there.
That just shit just starts going.
And literally, the TSA is like, yo, what the fuck is wrong?
They almost like put me up on this pedestal thing and fucking started searching me.
And he's now on the other side, clear, laughing as fuck, like on the floor, laughing at me.
Dying.
Dying, bro.
Unbelievable trip.
Oh, so good.
So funny.
It was so good.
We lived in Norway for like eight days.
Our tour manager left us.
Why?
Yeah, what happened with that?
Our tour manager dipped on us because they lied to us about the money.
Oh, shit.
I could see it.
Wait a minute, what happened?
They lied to us about the money.
They told us we were supposed to be getting money throughout to pay for everything.
And they just stopped.
And the tour manager took off on us and left with that fucking guy that won't get vaccinated.
What's his name?
Who?
Brewer.
Oh, Jim Brewer was on the tour with us.
He was great, though.
He was fun.
Yeah.
No, he was fun.
I'm missing no snitch.
I'm missing no talking shit.
I can talk shit.
I'm not snitching.
You snitch.
I snitch.
You have an audio.
Yeah, but Ricky is also industry savvy, so he knows he can shit on Brewer.
You're not talking shit about the English comic.
What's his name?
His name is Jerry Hot.
No, he wasn't.
That wasn't him.
No.
The little kid?
No, I don't think so.
I don't think so.
I thought that was him.
Maybe it was.
Well, fuck him.
I don't think it was.
I don't think it was.
I do remember that conversation.
We were probably taking the wrong thing to argue.
Do you remember?
Do you remember what we were drinking that night?
Jaegermeister?
Hiroshima's?
That was the name of it.
Remember, it was like shit that makes you see things.
That liquor.
Oh, no, no.
Absinthe.
Absinthe.
Yes.
And it was mixed with something else.
Oh, that's fire.
And we were dropping them.
You had to drop them.
And they were asking us how we felt about female comics after we drank.
That's not what.
No, no, no, no.
They got us drunk.
They got us drunk up there.
So what do you guys think about Australian?
I can't do English accents anymore.
But, dude, no, obviously they came in on us about how they didn't.
We didn't have any men on our show.
We only had men on our show.
And we were like, yo, we didn't book this.
Like, what are you talking about?
Like, this is what Caroline's booked.
Yeah.
But then they split us up with them and our tour manager took off on us.
And it was just us.
We were in Norway and then you couldn't believe how hot the girls were that worked at McDonald's.
Getting Drunk In Atlantic City00:02:46
Do you remember that?
Bro, that's in my special.
That's a joke that is.
It says Sweden, I think.
It was Norway.
Well, that's the craziest thing we learned while we were out there.
In Norway, they treat Swedish people like that's their day workers.
Their labor workers are all Swedish.
So they're mad rude to like the most beautiful people.
It's mad weird.
You had a funny, I don't want to give away the joke, but I will.
But you had a funny joke.
What was the line?
She's like, she goes, can I get you something to drink?
And you were like, can I get you some?
Your face doesn't match this environment?
Are you missing a leg behind that counter?
What the fuck?
I remember being in the McDonald's in Innsbruck, Norway.
It wasn't even Oslo.
We were up north.
Yeah, we were, dude, we were in some weird spots for that tour.
And that was the other thing.
Like, we weren't known or nothing, and they were sold the fuck out, all those shows.
Iceland, I'll never forget.
Yeah, I used to have that beautiful theater.
That theater was beautiful.
And then also, Soldier Boy came out with the song that we can't say.
Which one was that?
We made it.
Okay.
No, it wasn't Soldier Boy.
It was Bobby Schmurter.
Yes, that's Bobby Schmurter would have got y'all.
I think I would have remembered that.
That's my guy.
I'm pretty sure.
No, but I think I remember we went to that rap club and it was all blonde hair, blue eyes, kids being like, oh, they were saying the word.
Yeah, yeah, they were going, and me and you were just like, whoa.
Yeah, that's what we were doing.
We were just going, what are you guys doing?
I don't know what you're going.
We're not getting comfy at all.
You were very Puerto Rican that night, brother.
You were the blackest guy in there, dad.
That snaps me out of the most Puerto Ricans in Iceland, bro.
That was the most Puerto Rican Iceland had ever seen.
Yeah, man.
No, I thought that that shit was hot boy.
It might.
I remember it being, we made it.
Hot boy would have got you on hype as well.
Could have been the Drake song.
Nigga, we made it.
He has like a Drake and no, because I remember specifically asking them to play it.
And then I remember going, like, yo, I think that we're the, this is the first time they've heard this song.
They were going off on the tables, too.
Like, it was like a rock club because it had that white people energy, but had black music playing.
It was a great thing.
Oh, that's a dangerous combo.
Yes, that was such an odd odd vibe.
On vibes.
All right, guys, big announcement.
Infamous tour.
We have added shows.
Okay, they are on sale.
Portland and Seattle, they sold out in a fucking day.
Thank you so much.
That Portland show is going to be a bloodbath.
So I think it's time we added another show in each of those places.
We also got Sacramento, New Orleans, Chicago.
We have that late show in Chicago.
Make sure you check that thing out.
Playing Drake Songs At Shows00:02:55
San Francisco, we're coming.
I think there's only single seats left for that, but maybe try to snag those before that's done.
Make sure you check it out.
And then we have Atlantic City as well.
Atlantic City, New Jersey is also on sale.
If you couldn't get tickets to that Philly show we were just down there, make sure you pop over to Atlantic City.
More dates.
We added Boston the day before New Year's Eve.
So that's the 30th of December.
We added another show at the Wilbur there.
We got Jacksonville, Fargo, DAndrewShoals.com.
Go check those out.
Get those tickets early because I don't want you to be missing out on the show.
Akash, what you got?
Yo, first of all, thank you so much to everybody who came out through Stress Factory for the last special, the last taping of the special was amazing.
We almost sold out every show.
So thank you guys so much.
Now I am coming very soon to Atlanta, November 6th.
Two shows.
Tickets are selling out.
So hurry up and buy them.
November 13th, we just added this date.
I'm going to be at Fairfield Comedy Club in Connecticut.
Come the fuck through, you nutmeggers.
January 26th and 27th, I'm going to be at Zane's in Nashville right after Thanksgiving.
Come through December 9th through 11th, D.C. I'm at the comedy loft.
And January 7th and January 7th and 8th, I'm coming home to Dallas at Hyenas.
Buy your tickets at AkashSing.com.
Alex, hit it.
And guys, you know what it is.
If you're in the tri-state area, you have a podcast you're looking to record or a photo shoot you want to do, head over to WTFmediastudios.com.
It's located in Soho, New York.
If you're trying to get your home studio or podcast started from home, I do consulting as well.
So head over to WTFmediastudios.com.
And now let's get back to the show.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to make sure that you're not going bald out there, okay?
And this is a choice nowadays.
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Now let's get back to the show.
Now, Ricky, you have tons of great industry connections.
Keeps Offers Generic Hair Loss Treatment00:11:13
Okay.
People like me.
Okay.
Now, I wouldn't go that far, but you do have a lot of industry connections.
What was your relationship been with Alec Baldwin?
I don't know.
I don't know him.
I'm friends with him.
Yes, but SNL?
We've been around each other.
I don't know.
You've never had a conversation?
No.
No, no, no.
But I actually like his I'm friends within his family.
Yeah.
Like I know people within his family that I'm close with.
What do you think about what happened?
I just feel terrible for him, honestly.
For him.
Yeah.
I feel terrible for everybody that's involved.
It's funny.
That's what we're doing.
Anybody else?
Dude, what do you think?
I feel so bad for him.
And I do too.
But we're all like, yo, poor Alec, dude.
And nobody thinks about the dead one.
Yeah.
Or the other one that just got shot that got the sloppy seconds.
I mean, I truly don't feel sorry for that person.
Why?
You live in, bro.
You didn't kill nobody.
You don't got nothing on your conscience.
It's the best.
Workers comp out the ass, bro.
My man made it, bro.
Edmund made it.
Y'all are fucking crazy.
No, that was terrible.
That was terrible.
Yeah.
That's one way of going with it.
So I got shot in King of Staten Island.
Like, what if that shit would have gone down?
Like, you never fucking know.
Like, that's crazy.
Yeah.
Like, I mean, I can't even remember because we shot that scene over three days, but like, did they have it pointed at me?
I have no clue.
Like, I can't even.
Like, you just don't know.
Like, that's crazy.
That's Alec Baldwin.
He wasn't trying to catch a body.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe.
He seems to have like a couple of rough.
I was saying, I, you know, I feel like Mark has a conspiracy theory or two about what might have went down.
Nah, I mean, what's more chance and Mark?
Yeah.
No, okay.
So I'm the resident conspiracy.
So does he have like a bunch of game stock and shit?
Yeah, he did.
He had Dogecoin at all.
He's going to the moon, though.
Give us sitting in the corner, fan.
Give us what the streets are talking about.
All right, this is the dumbest conspiracy I could find regarding the event, okay?
And for the record, I don't believe this.
All right, this is pulled off of Fortune.
Yeah.
So what are the chances that Alec Baldnu, who starred in the hunt for Red October, which was about a nuclear submarine in Marminsk, shooting and killing a woman on set that never has live ammunition ever, but this one did.
Real bullets on a movie set.
And what are the chances that he pointed the gun at her and her alone, nobody else but her?
And she grew up in Marminsk, where the character in the movie took place at the nuclear submarine base that's famous for training espionage.
And what are the chances that she happens to be married to a guy who works for a law firm that defended the Clintons?
And what are the chances that she was used, that she used to be an investigative journalist and her father used to be a naval commander of a nuclear submarine base in Marminsky?
And that she alone got killed by the actor who starred in the movie about espionage between the Soviet Union and the U.S.
And what month did it happen in?
October.
Wow.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Wow.
What's the fact checking on that?
I didn't know.
It's all accurate.
It's all 100% accurate.
Yeah, dude.
It's true.
Conspiracies are true.
You know what?
Hold on.
You like facts, bro?
I should just leave.
Yeah.
This isn't the facts podcast.
This is the fun one.
Okay.
So, the crazy thing about the, we were looking up the different times people have like shots.
You can't be giving people this ammo, bro.
What are you talking about?
Yo, they can't be giving people ammo.
Yeah, they should have ammo for people.
They shouldn't have ammo.
We shouldn't have to be.
This is pranks right here.
This is not the real stuff.
This is the hollow points, okay?
We had a conversation about the real stuff.
Yeah, I know.
That's what I was thinking.
You've been the worst armor ever.
I'm not genius in my own self.
Maybe that's why they died.
They're not real.
You put the hollow one.
They're not real.
They're hollow points.
Why don't you put the hollow one?
If you were first day doing an armor job and they're like, yo, pass me the bullets that don't explode, boom, the hollow.
And you're reading the box, you're like, yeah, hollows.
Hollow.
If the other ones are full, that's going to hurt more than the hollow.
Full metal jacket.
I'm not going to use that.
Definitely not.
Okay, that's how they die.
Fix the description.
Yeah.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Ricky?
No.
Les?
Don't put me in this.
Yo, dude.
Don't put me in.
This makes no sense.
You said in the wrong explosion, my guy.
You sat in on the wrong week, though.
Yeah, you sat in.
You sat in.
You didn't do this to me, Britton at all.
Come on.
Alec Bobby gunned him like two weeks ago.
Say what you were saying before the podcast, how he deserved it.
Oh, you're a fucking man.
You said anybody just steal parking spots and you are just so mad.
This is how mad he is at the industry.
That's how mad he is at the industry.
Hey, the guy, the industry hates me.
Your face was on the wall at MTV.
You fucking lizard.
His face was on the wall.
Damn it, Ricky Calendar.
I can't wait till Alec clap you.
Damn, you're trying to fuck around.
Listen, I'm undeniable, which is undeniable.
It is what it is.
Oh, my God.
Okay, but seriously, I wanted to have an actual measured discussion.
No, this is where he actually has to be.
I want to have a measured disappointment.
I want to have a measured discussion, Ricky, about gun safety.
I feel like you're not taking this seriously.
This is how big this shit is.
You're not allowed to have a gun, and if you do, you get a year.
I don't know what just happened with your voice, but that's crazy.
I don't know what you turn into a Muppet for like the first three seconds.
Wolfcop, bro.
Wolf cop.
It's got to sound like Wolfcop right there.
That's true.
Them Wolf Cops are not playing, bro.
They're not playing.
Okay, but I can't wait till you edit out that industry shit.
Listen, hold on.
There's one group of people I don't care about pissing off.
It is the industry.
But in all seriousness, Ricky, I do think it's important that we use our platform for the right reasons.
And gun safety is one of those things that we really care about.
So that being said, Mark, what is another potential outcome of this Alec Baldwin situation?
Another outcome?
Wait, time out.
Didn't he get COVID twice?
No.
No.
No, this is a kid.
He's fogged the shit.
This is your research guy.
He smokes weed every day.
Your brain's fogged.
What do you mean?
That is true.
You could have fucked your brain from what?
From smoking weed.
But I mean, you got nothing.
You got nothing.
You want to know why he couldn't think of something?
Because he smokes weed every day.
I thought about that vaccine, too, though.
I got that one.
I cancels that actually.
I got that at all.
That's a watch.
You got COVID twice.
No.
Dusty.
It was a false positive twice, okay?
I've never got COVID.
I'm positive you got that shit twice.
No, you got it twice.
It's okay, though, but it's okay.
But, all right.
But in all seriousness, are you familiar with the other times someone's been killed on set?
No.
There was a fire one.
Someone passed.
Ricky, we're not talking about fire right now.
The one D5.
Gun safety.
Okay.
I don't.
Bruce Lee's son.
Bruce Lee's son, Brandon Lee the Crow.
You remember The Crow.
No, I don't.
You don't remember the movie The Crow?
No, I'm not leaving us.
Yeah.
I don't know about that.
Yeah, I don't go back and watch old movies.
I'm on the new shit.
Yeah, thank you.
Back when we were younger.
No, I don't remember it.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay, sure.
He was now like 93.
He was probably like four years old.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, fair enough.
Okay, so Brandon Lee's Bruce Lee's kid got shot live ammunition on the set of the crow.
Okay.
The story of how this transpired is unbelievable.
Mark broke it down for me to death.
It's going to sound more unrealistic than the last two conspiracies that he just shared with us, but this one is actual facts and truth.
Yeah.
Okay.
He found it.
All right.
So first thing, who controls the banks?
This is.
It's actually important.
It's important.
He controls the banks, okay?
So I know he doesn't.
He controls them, Ricky.
Say it corruptly.
That was fantastic.
Now, then, come on.
That's where every great story starts.
Listen, man.
Let's go.
We're testing your friendship with Jen right now.
Get ready.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Tell him, Mark.
No, all right.
Tell him.
What are your pronouns, you fucking Jesus Christ?
That'll get bleeped.
Yeah.
You might take your face off the wall of MTV for that one.
Put me right up on logo.
All right.
So, okay.
Okay.
Break it down.
This is how Brandon Lee ends up getting.
This is actually more or less what happened.
This is a short version.
Basically, Ford, like the movie set, you use a dummy round, which is just, it looks like a bullet, but it's got no gunpowder in it.
That way, like, if you're using a revolver, it looks like it's full of bullets.
No, but so here's the thing: you know, the scenes in the movies where they're loading the gun.
Yes.
They don't use real bullets for that.
Obviously, they'll use the dummy round.
So it looks like a real bullet, but you're placing the gun.
You're placing in the magazine.
You've seen these scenes.
It's fun, looks cool.
Yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Same with the revolver if you're pointing a revolver.
It's in a dummy round.
That there's no, there's nothing in it at all.
It's just a casing.
So it's got the metal tip, but there's no gunpowder inside the bullet.
So nothing can happen.
Okay.
You pull the trigger, nothing happens.
Yeah.
Basically, the short of it is that they use a dummy round.
They pull the trigger on a dummy round.
It hit the actual butt of the bullet and then launched the tip of it into the barrel.
So now the tip of the bullet, the actual bullet part that goes into your body is now in the barrel of the actual gun.
And then they unload it, whatever.
The armor of the set doesn't go through and like account for all the bullets like you're supposed to.
Then they put the thing into like the actual gun safe and then they leave it for two weeks.
And then they use a blank round, which is similar to a dummy round, but it doesn't have the tip.
It's just the casing with gunpowder.
So it's case gunpowder, no metal tip.
But what's lodged in the gun?
The metal tip.
Yeah.
A bunch of people that have never been on movie sense know everything.
I did a short film in college, right?
I'm pretty familiar.
All right.
So the motherfucker shoots him.
It already has the metal tip in here, but now they have the gunpowder.
So it becomes essentially a real bullet, shoots him.
And this is like two weeks separated.
So you can't believe that that happened.
So this is an accident.
That is complete accident.
The other one is even fucking crazier.
A guy played Russian roulette with himself with a blank, thinking it's just sound.
That's what I would have thought it was, honestly.
It is sound, but sometimes there's still.
No, but the pressure from the actual gunpowder, the explosion is so much they can fracture the guy's skull, send him into a coma.
He died a month later.
Literally on set, the oh, here's a fun game.
Boom, kills him fucking himself.
Yeah, I would have done that too.
I didn't know.
I didn't know any of that.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, also, but like, I don't know.
I just think those things are like so protected on set every time I've been around one.
So I don't know.
Yeah, it's a dangerous, it's a dangerous profession we've chosen, bro.
Dude, I'm gonna be honest, the profession has only chosen one of us.
On Set Deaths And Dark Games00:05:15
You're just gonna get clapped for talking all this shit.
Listen, we've been talking shit for a while now.
Yeah.
I'm actually proud of you.
I was saying it to them.
I'm proud of you that you don't do this at your house like every other comic that's just ready to be killed by a comic that's upset.
You have a good amount of anxiety, Ricky.
Have you ever spoken about this?
No, never, never.
Biscuits?
I just think it's weird as hell to just have people in your homes.
It is.
It is.
Ricky's talking about how a lot of podcasts are podcasting out of their home, and it's just like you're giving out a lot of personality.
Yeah, yeah, bro.
It's crazy.
That's wild.
Also, how do you get away from your family?
That's also crazy.
Well, they don't have families or loved ones.
That's a good point.
That is a good point.
Talking about comics here.
Yeah.
I think that's another thing.
You ain't going to Burr's house.
Yeah.
He got a wife and kid, though.
Yeah.
That's another thing.
I think when you have a wife and kid, you also are looking for an excuse to get away.
So you're like, oh, it can't be that.
He wants to protect his family.
He's trying to get away from him.
That was my idea.
I think that's it.
I mean, Burr is a helicopter.
Not to hang out with the wife and kids, right?
I don't like to fly with them.
It's dangerous.
We can all die.
Yeah.
Okay.
Every one of us takes a lot of time.
That's a little bit more sense.
Right?
Like, don't you need a little bit.
I mean, you got a kid, right?
Like, you need your time as well.
Yeah.
Don't you or no?
Yeah, absolutely.
Like, because I feel like I'm better with my girl when I've also had my time.
100%.
That's what you're getting married soon, right?
Yeah.
18th.
This month?
Oh, next week.
Nice, nice.
Any advice?
Yeah, send me an invitation.
Absolutely.
You don't want to go to another wedding.
Stop being douchebagging in the cons.
Stop being a real chill.
Stop being a real jerk, Ricky.
Don't bring that energy to the comments.
That's the suit.
That suits me.
No, but tell me, marriage.
Give me a little advice, man.
It's great, man.
You love it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fun.
Anything difficult you didn't expect?
You and your girl were.
You guys were together.
Yo, we're about to get married again.
I've married her twice.
Now we're going to get married a third time.
For what reason?
It's like me and Cody 10 years together.
So 10 years together.
So we just keep throwing parties and bringing.
Yo, my last one was fucking crazy.
We did it in Miami at the Faena.
It was crazy, bro.
I like the Faena.
Fucking Sypha DJ'd.
Yeah, it was sick.
It was sick.
Oh, that's fire.
So we're going to do Vegas.
So what industry person bumped Andrew's invitation?
What was my invoke for that?
What industry person bumped his invitation?
Forget me not being invited, but y'all did answer.
Tell Julio, Julio, you're not invited to the next one.
You're not invited.
Oops.
Oops, your invitation's gone.
Oops.
Okay?
Tell Julio, man.
You got to get rid of some old friends who get shit.
Sit me next to Apatow.
Okay, we got this.
Andrew had a good school shooting joke.
He'd like it a lot.
Oh, fuck.
That's right.
That was the issue.
How do you feel about school shootings?
Do you think they should use blanks?
What do you feel like?
That actually could be a good solution.
If you think a kid's a school shooter, sell him blanks.
Think about it.
Are you from Florida?
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
Think about it.
You got so much Florida energy in you, man.
You're so fucking dumb.
I'm so happy that Ricky is 30.
You're 30.
What?
Two.
I'm so happy you're in your 30s because your brain has been in your 40s for about 20 years, but you're just starting to catch up to the attitude.
Because when you were.
Well, I calmed down.
I calmed down a lot.
When you were 19 and judgmental, it was like, oh, who's this young whipper snapper making fun of people and being judgmental?
And then as you got older, it was like, oh, no, he's a really old guy.
Skinny cheeks.
Like, that's just all it was.
And like, the older you get, the more it just makes sense.
It's like, you never see someone who's like seeing double and then all of a sudden it starts to get clear.
Your whole life, you've been the old guy dressing young.
That's yeah.
I'll take it.
Yeah, this is good.
This is good.
Just seeing you dismiss the whole state of Florida by looking at Mark.
I mean, that was a grandfather.
Like, he said one thing.
I stayed down here.
You can finish the sentence down in Florida.
He goes, he goes, he goes, when you think about it, and you just went, who the fuck is this guy?
And that's true.
You were in Florida.
Yeah, he got married.
We both went pandemic.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Well, the bottom of my building got looted.
What do you mean?
When the loots hit New York City.
But who's podcasting out of the bottom of your business?
Who just had podcasting out of that?
They hit the bottom of my building, bro.
It was bad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What'd they get?
There's like a liquor store, but they don't sell like regular shit like Hasamigo.
They sell like old shit from like Europe and whatnot.
And it got hit.
It was crazy.
I lived down the block from a precinct and shit was still getting hit.
And it was like going on.
And me and my wife, we had a three-year-old on the back of a building and they were lighting shit on fire in LA.
So I was like, yo, we're out.
And we just went and lived down in Palm Beach for a minute.
That's why you know the world's fucked is when Florida's a safe place.
Looting The Bottom Of My Building00:03:12
You're like, yeah.
We got to be safe.
We're going to Florida.
Florida's sick, be honest.
I've had some times in Florida that I very much enjoy, but I don't like the inland.
Yeah.
You're inland?
Yeah, you're from Orlando.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He doesn't even see the ocean, bro.
Are you in Florida not by the ocean?
She's inside.
Everything's basically the ocean.
If you go high enough, you get an ocean view.
You know what I mean?
I knew that you were going through it in Florida when, like, we were just texting.
I was like, how is everything?
And then you go, you go, man, I'm living on this golf course.
It's fucking amazing.
And then you said this, you know, I'm like, yeah, but what you up to?
And you're like, I ain't really leaving the house that much, man.
I'm going to need to go check on Ricky, but I love you.
And I'm only going to wipe your face right now.
Yeah, shit.
I should have just left it hanging after how this all started.
Damn, why are you snitching, bro?
I'm on this side.
You can't even see, dog.
Nobody can see.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I need to tell you guys about the best underwear I've ever worn in my entire life.
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Let's get back to the show.
We Don't Give A Fuck About Cotton00:03:27
The crazy part about that was it was still early enough.
Florida hadn't been lit yet.
Like it wasn't, it wasn't going the way it was going yet.
So when we got down there, Florida spiked.
And I was living in this community, and that community all had money.
So they took, they took off.
Oh, so I was just stuck alone inside a country club, bro.
It was the crazy.
My only friend was the dude that cut the grass.
She would come by and be like, what's up?
We smoke.
Wait, really?
Yeah.
And it was just you that was still living on the uh on the golf course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
It was isolating, man, but it was good.
I got mad work done.
Like, I was working with Judd on a script at that point, so we were just like getting stuff done.
Judd, who?
I don't know.
His last name.
I can't remember.
After town.
After town.
Judd.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The goat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nah, he's put out great work.
Yeah.
He foxed it.
And I've had conversations with him, and they were good, measured conversations.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all I have to say about that.
And he supports me.
I'm sort of nice.
He supports me.
When you start speaking of facts, that's when you know there's a problem.
Yeah, there's a storm of brewing.
I mean, I'm going to say the word suit.
But we're going to bleep it.
Why?
It's bleeped.
It's all bleeped.
It's bleeped.
They don't even know the word I just said.
They don't even know.
We bleep my whole body, so you can't even see my lips move.
No way.
100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They'll never catch us.
But you might know what Werbert's saying.
You fucking bleep Dolph La Rica.
Don't worry.
But yeah, anybody who supports my boys, I support.
Thank you.
And that's what I always respect about you.
You always support, which is nice.
100%, man.
I want people to fuck with you, man.
You know, I love you.
Say, you know what you could have done when you lived on a golf course for six months is taking up golf.
Yeah.
Did you golf?
You sat in the fucking house.
No, no, no, no.
Why don't you golf?
I know you got a reason.
It was too much walking.
No.
You're from New York.
That's all you do is walk.
I don't like walking golf.
What do you mean?
I've never played golf.
But why wouldn't you?
I already know you know why you don't like it.
No, there's nothing about it.
You get drunk and walk around.
I do that.
Like, what are you talking about?
It's a cool game.
I just don't have clubs.
Y'all have to make imagine just pulling up with some guys.
Like, you're like, yo, you want to play with us?
Like, nah, just walk.
I don't even need to hit the ball.
Dude, I would definitely roll with some people and just drive the cart.
That's fun as hell.
Drunk drive the car?
Yeah.
I think that's legal.
Yeah.
There's no real rules about drunk driving on a golf course.
Nah.
Nah, it's incredible.
Bro, we were seeing some dark shit down there, though.
Like, what happened?
Like, we would go to the Publix, the supermarket.
Bro, like, during the pandemic, we would just see people drinking in their cars in Florida.
Like, really?
Yeah.
And it was before the election and all that shit.
So people were heated up.
Like, it was wild down there.
Yeah.
Which is weird because Florida didn't really lock down like that.
Dude, I saw the funniest bumper sticker of all time.
Go.
It said LGBT.
And then it said Liberty, Beer, Trump, and Guns.
I was like, this guy is fucking nuts as he sat there drinking hard seltzer in his car.
Dude, Florida's a different beast.
Like, I've had so much fun down there.
But then again, you, you, that Miami improv.
Yo, can we talk about our boy?
Jumping Into An Alligator Pond00:03:37
Who, Justin?
Stacks954.
Oh, I love Stacks.
Shout out to Stacks.
Dude, he hit me up this week.
He's making the documentary.
He wants me in it.
He should.
Dude, what are you doing in it?
Dude, I went and jumped in the alligator pond with him.
Off of the bridge thing?
Yep.
Yeah, you're wild for that.
Yeah.
Well, I brought all my boys with me and I was like, yo, don't let me do that.
Like, no matter how much peer power was.
What is this?
Stacks is Stacks954.
You've met Stacks.
He works at the Miami Improv.
As Justin's told me, he's got some tattoos, like charismatic guy.
I do remember him.
He was also.
He's obsessed with Steve-O from Jackass.
And he actually edits all his own videos.
He's really good at editing.
Bro, they film everything just on an iPhone.
It's nuts.
The way he chops it up is good.
He gets internet culture.
And he does all this crazy stuff with animals.
Not even animals, bro.
He just taunts alligators.
What are they called?
Iguanas or something like that?
Yeah, the big ones.
He just catches them.
They're like squirrels out by you.
Yeah, so he just catches squirrels, basically.
He's capturing the Florida squirrel.
And then he gets bit all the time.
He'll just bring a snake up to his friend and let it bite him.
Like, he's just nuts.
And the first time I met him, I was with Pete Davidson.
And we went to, we were at the Miami Improv.
And he came through and he was just so wild.
I was like, this kid's amazing.
He gave you socks.
Yeah.
And he introduced us to this jeweler, Boo Daddy Diamonds.
Okay.
And he was like, yo, you got to come hang out with the alligators with us.
And we were like, all right.
But that was like at the end of the show, had a few drinks with us.
So we were like, yeah, we're going to go fuck with alligators.
And I woke up next day.
We're not like not hanging out with that kid at all.
And then the last time I went back before the, while I was doing the tour, getting ready for the special, we went and met up with Stacks954 and it was inland.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I thought it was going to be like an alligator park.
It was just a dude that had a pond.
With three alligators in it.
The biggest one was blind.
That's fucked up, yo.
And bro, they like, dude.
No, but like it still was gully as fuck.
Really?
Yeah, no, like it was considered the most dangerous one.
Like it was wild.
And they I turned, I'm with Julio, I'm with Benny.
I'm with like my homie Chris.
And then next thing you know, I'm just like, yo, like they're going to ask me to do this.
Like when they say, like, talk me out of it.
Like, just be like, you can't do that.
And not one of my friends said shit the minute they started getting on there.
See, hater, hater, hater, Julio.
Hater?
Okay, you too, Benny.
Just trying to get me killed.
Trying to get me killed.
And I ended up jumping in with it.
It was crazy.
You know, Benny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's wild.
I like that kid.
That kid is a great hang.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
That's the second highest I've ever been.
Second highest I've ever been was with Benny DeMarco in Portland.
And he was opening up for us when we did Helium.
And we took a gummy, and I'm in a fucking, in the green room, and I see the lamp.
And then in my mind, I'm like, it's the Pixar lamp.
Do you know the beginning of every Pixar movie?
And I just started acting out the Pixar lamp.
To this day, I can't tell you how a Pixar movie starts.
But when I was in my high state, I knew exactly how it was.
And I was doing it perfect.
And I was looking at everybody like, yo, I'm murdering right now.
These guys, these guys have literally witnessed the greatest creation in history.
Like, I literally walked out of that room like, I'm a genius, boy.
And I asked him the next day, and I was just like, yo, you were so stupid, bro.
Walking Out Like I'm A Genius00:06:22
You say this to me, he's just so annoyed.
You were just playing by yourself with a lamp.
They weren't even paying no attention to me.
I thought I was a genius.
I was like, get Kanye.
In that moment where Kanye is like, I'm brilliant.
Like, everything I do is great.
He's just high.
He's just high off of whatever gummy that that was.
But that's why you can't smoke.
Lamp.
Not accurate at all.
The fact that I'm saying, I was like, it wasn't a lamp.
It was someone's shoe.
He wasn't even.
It was an iPhone, though.
It was an iPhone.
No, but I remember late.
He taped an iPhone to his head and turned on the flashlight.
Yeah, it just started jumping around.
I remember looking at the lamp and I was like, yo, these bums didn't even think of this the whole weekend.
He was here the whole weekend.
Y'all couldn't have thought of a Pixar lamp joke?
I thought I was on another show.
Did you do this on stage?
Nah, I was in the cream room afterwards.
Afterwards.
He didn't think they deserved it, honestly.
I didn't deserve it.
Portland didn't deserve it.
Oh, no, no, they didn't.
I have a big heef of Portland.
I've never been.
Say what?
I've never been to Portland.
Don't go.
Good for you.
I just feel like it's a bunch of Bennys.
Yeah.
I wish I took my dose here.
That is the coolest guy in Portland, guaranteed.
Not even close.
Yeah.
What's going on?
Just sad motherfuckers.
We're doing a show there.
Damian Lillard's in Portland, bro.
Say what?
Damian.
Yeah, Damian Lillard's from Portland.
I mean, he's in Portland.
He's getting paid hundreds of millions of dollars to be there.
And even then, he's like, ah.
Yeah.
Right?
He's like looking for a way out.
They're like, here's $200 million.
We just play basketball here.
And he's like, well, if you get the right guys around me.
Nobody wants to be in Portland.
We have big beef corona more than Damian Lillard.
What do you mean by what happened?
I'm not talking Rose Garden fans.
Oh, that's right.
He got to go to fucking Florida.
Oh, he loved it.
Oh, yeah, 100%.
Yeah, yeah.
So we have a show in Portland, and I have a big, I have a lot of animosity with Portland.
I hate Portland.
Me too.
The worst city on the planet.
Yeah.
That's a lot of people.
I mean, no, no, no.
It's not if you go.
He's a homeless in Cambodia.
I got friends that have been in Iraq, but okay.
They would prefer Iraq to Portland.
Iraq has some culture, warmth.
The food is good, probably.
The food, the entertainment, you know what I mean?
It's some real shit going on.
Portland's just Portland's not.
They don't have kebab in Portland at all.
Nothing.
He's devoid of culture.
And they like the fact that I'm just fucking lambasting them every single time I can get because they want to.
They're self-loathing.
They like the abuse.
They like the white thing.
They want to be there for the bloodbath.
And I think that we're going to add another show.
The first show we just put up.
The first show we put up sold out in a fucking day.
So here's the thing.
I want to make sure that there's more of you.
How do you make it a shittier show for them, though?
Oh, no, no, no.
It won't be shitty.
No, you need to do something specially like Pixar Love.
You will be special, my friends.
It will be very special.
It will be special for me.
And if you really love and value the city of Portland, it's not going to be special for you.
But if you also hate Portland, then you probably want to be here for this.
Jeez.
This is going to be funny.
You're setting yourself up to get.
What are they going to do to him in Portland?
What are they going to do?
Program at him?
Here's a milkshake.
Blame that energy, man.
You don't bring energy like that around you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Don't you hang out with Charlemagne?
Doesn't he tell you not to talk like that?
Yeah, but now he's going through like a mental health renaissance.
Isn't he changing his name too?
I heard somebody said that the other day.
No, he's just using, it's like Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Now it's like Lenard, the Charlemagne.
I'm not telling him.
Yo, I went to, what is that?
When they like, the horses with Medieval Times.
I went to Medieval Times with Charlemagne.
I thought you were talking about that Boeing engine.
And I had to leave his ticket at the door.
Yeah.
And they're like, who are you leaving the ticket for?
And I was like, Charlemagne.
And they're like, last name.
He came back.
They just said last name.
I went, the God.
They're like, all right.
Wait, why did you go to Medieval Times?
Me and Pete.
They got a full bar, man.
It's cool.
It's got a lot of full bars.
I know, but Medieval Times is a whole thing.
I've done it at Bachelor Parties in Vegas.
It's fun.
Fam, that shit's so fun.
No, it's not.
Go play there with your friends and get wasted.
You will have a great time in Medieval Times.
It's like Medieval Times.
Food is trash.
Dude, you're not going there for that.
No, I truly don't know what you're going for.
What you mean?
My horse wins.
My guy on the horse wins.
Me and my friends are wasted.
It's fun.
It's always the same guy that wins.
That's true.
Yeah, it is.
How many times?
That's a real competition.
How many times have you been?
I went once.
You're going with his facts.
You want to do it?
You're a big whore.
You spend too much time inside of the house.
You're a big whore.
You think it's a real joust?
No, but they just change it up.
It's fun.
I've been to medieval times.
You speak of facts.
That's true.
It's true.
It is fun.
It's fun.
How do you not enjoy fun?
Hey, hey, hey, you know, I know you're wrong.
I mean, yeah, you're agreeing with him.
That's not all.
What is on your side of this?
This is a problem.
You should be concerned.
He looks like he's trying to get an audition.
I look like I'm in a night's tail, bro.
Heat pleasure.
Let's go.
Let me joust.
Yeah, you look at heat pleasure.
No, this is, I think it's cruel to animals, dude.
I thought you cared more about animals.
We're going to do that.
Yeah.
I thought you cared more about animals, bro.
Yeah.
For real.
Jet Abatow has a horse movie coming out.
You're an ass.
He does horse.
No, asses are donkeys, bro.
Dude, you know, we don't use that term about animals, bro.
You don't like nature.
Say what?
You're from New York.
You don't like nature.
I'm one with nature.
When was the last time you went camping?
I go camping quite frequently.
I do.
That's the hotel they put you at in Portland.
They just put you on fucking hotel.
Yeah, you're on 14th Street.
That's what they turn up.
They throw it, you gotta pop it yourself.
No, no, I'm gonna be fucked nature.
That shit is way overrated.
It's overrated.
It's overrated, dude.
And then you see it and you'd be like, yo, this kind of lit.
That's how I feel when I'm in Florida.
I see it out there.
Say what?
So, how's it overrated?
If it's whack until you go see it and then you're like, nature controlled.
I don't know.
I love the control.
Nature's dope over there.
But when you're in it, I don't know.
You don't go to the Bronx Zoo?
Say what?
You've been to the Bronxoo?
Of course, come on.
Bro, I got a pass now because I got a kid, so we go that often.
Yeah.
Bro, that's Silverback Gorilla exhibit.
Camping In Portland Hotels00:15:07
Fire.
Oh, my God.
Fire.
Yeah.
Fire.
Can you communicate with them at all?
Nah.
You don't even try?
You don't try to do like hand signs or something like that?
No, I'm just holding my kid.
Does he try?
Does he try?
He likes the monkeys, man.
Yeah, I'm going to be a piece of shit, Dad.
I just realized it.
Because I just made going to be about me.
You know what I mean?
No, you lose that.
Really?
Yeah, you lose that.
It's all about the kid.
Your ego drops and your humility drops.
It's wild.
Yeah, wait, wait.
You hope you lose it.
And if you don't, then your kid's just weird.
Yeah, you just compete with my kid.
And then your kid becomes a stand-up.
That's a good point.
Yeah, that's what happens.
That is a good point.
That is a very good point.
It's our parents' fault.
The minute your kid starts going, I want to do stand-up.
You're like, I didn't raise him.
Yeah, fucked up.
I'm messing up.
That's when you got to quit stand-up.
Bro, I never get that.
Like, you'll see comics that their kids will start doing it.
Andy Dick's son.
Andy Dick.
Yeah, yeah.
I think we know the problem there.
Did Andy Dick die?
No, he's alive.
He is.
Yeah.
What happened then?
Something recently happened.
Didn't he?
What happened?
He was in the news, so you assumed he died.
Yeah, it's actually, I get it with Andy Dick.
Yeah, but he's still alive.
Yeah.
Okay, that's fair enough.
His kid is great.
Shouts to Lucas.
He's a good kid.
He is nice.
Oh, even I remember him going around doing class.
I remember him strip.
Was it the strip?
I think the seller even auditioned in the seller.
I don't know about that, but I thought he was at the strip for sure.
But good kid.
Nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
And Andy, yo, Andy Dick was a wild dude, man.
Son, he had a reality show on MTV about like he was looking for an assistant or something.
Yeah, yeah.
The whole thing was fake, and he had them go through all the shit.
And he had like somebody mow his lawn with scissors and look for, he said, I lost a contact lens in the pool.
I need you to find it.
It was like, it was hysterical, dude.
All fake.
Just making these fucking losers do everything.
To be Andy Dick's assistant.
Yeah.
And pretending he would fucking lose his mind when they couldn't find the contact and like the grass wasn't perfectly the same length.
How the fucking dare you cut it with scissors shitty.
It was a great show.
Great idea.
Shout out to Andy Dick, man.
Get him on here.
This feels like a very now.
Now, Ricky, I have to ask you this while you're here.
This is very important.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah, let's start.
Okay, I think we should start the podcast.
Okay.
Are you familiar?
Are you familiar with the trans walkout from Netflix?
Have I heard things?
Yeah.
Careful.
Careful now.
Yeah.
You HBO, baby.
Yeah.
Talk that shit.
That's the ops, fam.
What?
That's the ops over there.
I mean, for now, big dick prick.
Come on.
What do you want me to say?
I haven't watched the special.
Well, who's special?
Chappelle.
Chappelle's.
No, we're not talking about the special.
We're talking about the walkout.
Now, one of the organizers, they went up in their tweets.
I think it's a her.
She identifies as her now.
Yeah.
They went up in her tweets and they found some pretty offensive things in those tweets, bro.
Okay.
Like, it's wild.
Maybe.
It's wild.
Oh, I need some facts before I have an opinion.
So, God forbid.
We do a thing here called Feelings, No Facts.
It's an actual segment.
Ben Shapiro has facts.
Don't care about your feelings.
We have feelings.
Don't care about your facts.
Okay.
So these are a couple of the tweets from what is her name?
Ashley Marie Preston.
Marie Preston.
Some of those tweets.
Let's see if we can get them.
What site is this?
Go to the crazier ones of the multiple.
What was opindia.com.
Very reputable.
Yeah, yeah.
Say some shit, Ricky.
Say some shit.
All right.
We're going to need two other sources for me to be okay with this site.
This is the real thing.
I've checked multiple sources.
Okay, let's see.
Let's go.
Asian hoes act like they won't get karate chopped they fucking throat.
Fuck this hoe staring at me.
Mind your beeswax.
It's not too bad.
It's not too bad.
Hit that next one.
Hit it.
Latino and Asian businesses need to stop being rude.
You're a Latino.
I'm triggered.
Okay.
They need to stop being rude and fucking disrespectful.
And I know it's a lot to ask in California, but speak fucking English.
Oh, shit.
That's problems.
Oh, that's crazy.
Are you allowed to tell people to speak English in America?
No.
That's wrong.
I mean, I think it's pretty crazy.
It's America.
You're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want.
Should we cancel her?
It's not my jurisdiction, bro.
All right, fair enough.
You're handling this quite well.
Yeah.
I know what I'm doing.
We've got you in the rapids right now.
Guess what, buddy?
Okay.
I got a whole press team behind me.
Let's get it.
Netflix is like, if they say trans, just say no comment.
It's HBO.
Oh, that's right.
Does HBO care about that?
What?
HBO has been fucking dope.
I love working with them.
Okay.
I fuck with HBO.
I'm running back Game of Thrones right now.
And I just want to let you know they're doing their due diligence with you.
In what way?
I got the update.
I got a reminder.
I didn't put it down as save because I was running a little experiment.
I was like, are they going to know that I would like this special?
I'm a comedian.
How much do they know about me just from me watching the shows?
And are they going to suggest?
You know what I mean?
Because if I go save to watch, then I don't know if they're doing their due diligence with the people that subscribe.
And yesterday I got the thing.
That makes me very happy.
There we go, brother.
So they're doing their thing.
Okay.
Another damn Asian almost hit me while crossing.
What the fuck is with y'all in your damn vehicles?
I have an idea.
I don't know where the rest of it is.
What is her position?
Wait, this is like, is this HR?
What is this Asian N-word in Subway got a fat ass?
He almost looked like a bitch from behind.
That's fire.
That's okay.
It's almost a compliment in a way.
People said that about me at times.
Just broke my phone on this Asian bitch's head.
I have Asian friends.
Well, this is a problem.
This is some motherfucking weirdo sometimes.
You can't be assaulting people like that.
What do you mean you broke your phone on their head?
That's crazy, ain't it?
Well, that seems like a continuation.
It looks like.
Wait, can we see another source?
I just can't be having opinions on it.
Here's what she said.
She said this was a time before she was openly trans.
She was on meth.
She was addicted to meth.
She was addicted.
And then she was like lashing out.
Now, there's also a tweet that you can be addicted to meth and get a good job.
Yeah.
Like, this is.
Talk about that.
Yo, she was one of Elizabeth Warren's like surrogates or something.
Like, she's somehow on Elizabeth Warren's staff.
That's when this came up the first time.
So this has come up before.
I just did Seth with Elizabeth Warren.
Really?
Yeah.
How was she?
You tried smacking yourself.
I didn't get to talk to her at all, Coach.
Did you talk to her about Sokotoa?
I wanted to give her a hug and go, I pay taxes.
Talk about Elizabeth Warren, one of the greatest videos I've ever seen in my life.
You've seen the girl, the teacher, going crazy.
Yo, teachers don't get enough respect.
They don't get paid anymore.
Your teachers get destroyed.
And now these kids got the TikTok, like smack your teacher challenge.
What?
Yes.
What body fast?
What?
What body?
Face.
No, that's crazy.
Teachers should have guns.
Teachers should have guns.
Yeah, I'm okay with it.
Teacher TikTok challenge.
I'm okay.
I'm definitely okay with Armin Teachers.
But after we watched the TikTok challenge, I was like, there was a teacher that came out.
She was like, uh-uh, don't try that in my class.
I'll beat you up.
I like this.
I like this energy.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I could tell some of y'all getting anxious, and you got to take care of that anxiety in the best, most common way possible.
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No one wants to see you posting meditation shit on Instagram.
But if you roll up a fat CBD joint and you smoke that shit, I'm probably certain you're going to get more likes than any of the alternatives.
You might get some comments.
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Now let's get back to the show.
Okay, what's this guy right here?
What's going on?
He's got to say he got slapped a little bit.
This guy's getting smacked.
Slap a teacher.
That was the worst to Googling, bro.
Yeah, I know.
We need to give you the ox.
We really need to give Mark the ox during a pot because we're going to be sitting here a while.
Disabled teacher 64 is hospitalized after.
Yeah, these young kids are wild.
Okay.
Don't worry about it.
I've seen the craziest fights in schools growing up.
Whoa, shit.
I ain't never seen a fucking somebody put their hands on a teacher.
Oh, shit.
You've met them multiple times.
Also, why do they call it a challenge?
That's just assault, right?
Yeah, it's assault.
But if you put challenge behind it, it kind of is fine.
That's like a beat.
That's a rap beat.
I get viral, bro.
Yeah, exactly.
There used to be that game called the Knockout Challenge.
Yeah.
I was walking around with a motorcycle helmet on during nothing.
I was not trying to catch myself on the floor.
The fly's a breeze driver.
To this day, I do have that fear.
I walk around thinking motherfuckers might punch me in the face.
Yeah, because you shit on Portland like that.
I've never felt safer in my life about those fucking people.
They're fucking pussies in Portland.
What if the Antifa challenge comes?
You don't get it, Ricky.
The Andrew Schultz challenge.
Yeah.
You can catch him.
I'm walking around Portland ready to go.
I'm strapped in Portland.
And you know, guns are legal out there.
Are they?
I don't know.
They're legal when I'm out there.
Al, are we coming through strapped or what?
No, we not.
Come on, Al.
No, we are.
Al brings you to the crazy crazy.
Al from New York.
He don't snitch on himself.
He does.
We just cut it out of the fire.
But if we left this shit in, y'all would think this guy's an absolute lunatic.
Okay, but listen, there was something crazy that went down.
This is teaching nowadays.
Do you have that video, Alex?
Which video?
God, for fucking damn.
Man, do meth, you end up at Netflix.
It's crazy.
Netflix is super lit.
That's why they got so many specials.
I need more.
I need more.
That's hilarious.
Okay, look at this girl.
She's teaching math.
This is California teacher.
She's been placed on leave.
This is California.
It's not Florida.
I know everybody's going to jump to the conclusion that Florida is not.
Yeah, Florida would never do this.
We need some volume.
Florida has a lot of Native Americans.
We have a lot of respect for the Native people.
Yo, come on.
Ricky.
Ricky, come on.
She got the jellies on.
Please don't use the super digital.
Please.
Yo, is that Maria Bamford?
The Jimmy joke?
Like, that's crazy.
So.
Fire.
Fire.
Yo, I'm telling you, people stayed inside for a year and it really fucked them up.
Yep.
Like, people really, I noticed that when we got back to stand-up.
Okay.
Right away, I noticed I was like, oh, people haven't been outside.
They don't know how to be in public.
Really?
People just getting way too drunk.
Not just the social norms were gone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the drugs.
That's that.
That's that.
That woman just sat inside.
Yeah.
She was dressed like that at home.
Can I be honest?
Do you think those kids are ever going to forget Soka Toa?
No, I'll never forget it.
No.
Do you know what Soka Toa is?
Nah, man.
These are like the three main elements of Lewis and Clark.
Yeah.
Oh, I got this.
Sign, cosine, tangent.
Okay.
Sokotoa is how you remember them.
So what is it like?
Opposite and hypotenuse.
Opposite hypotenuse, opposite of Jason.
Oh, yeah, I do remember that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But now you'll really remember it.
Okay?
And Soka Toa does sound like a Native American name.
Can we just be honest?
If I was Native American and I met you and you were like, hey, my name's Ricky, and I was like, hi, my name's Sokotoa.
Would you go, there's no way that's your real name?
Or would you go, that makes sense?
You're Native American.
That sounds like a Native American.
What does that mean, Mark?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Because I don't have a fucking feather in my hat, Mark.
Because I'm not wearing face paint, Mark.
You don't look indigenous.
I thought I was Native American for a minute.
You are.
You're Puerto Rican.
No, no, we're not.
We're from, I did the 23andMe.
I spit in the thing.
Okay.
And we believe that.
You actually believe it.
Yeah.
Yo, they be making that shit up.
I'm making it up.
Are you telling me I'm not sub-Saharan African?
Because that was in there.
5%.
No way.
Yep.
And then Portuguese, son.
Yeah, that Portuguese.
That's how they get white people to believe it.
They tell them they're a little black and they're like, yes.
That's all that test is: is how am I not white?
Yeah.
And that's why black people.
You took the test?
Yeah, I do.
But for what?
Like, you know where you're from.
No, I don't.
He really does.
You could guess what part of the world.
He could guess.
The continent.
Yeah.
He's only Talonian.
Native Canadian.
He's actually a penguin.
He's actually.
He's 100%.
No, but like, you know, like when they say where like white people are from, they give you the region, but they don't really know if you're from fucking Scotland.
They just be saying shit.
I do believe that.
How the fuck they know you're from Scotland?
Scottish people ain't eating Scotland.
They're from Ireland.
Then they're fucked over.
I think they'd be making a lot of people.
They found one of Brian Landry's teeth and they lose him.
That's not Brian Landry's teeth.
Brian Landry Hanging Out With No Teeth00:04:11
Come on, bro.
How do they know?
T to teeth.
They could do DNA.
Yeah, but they can't tell where the cat originates from.
40 generations back.
One conversation.
What are you saying?
I'm saying just because they got the teeth and they can identify who you are doesn't mean they can identify your whole genealogy.
So you're saying Brian Landry's out there just with no teeth right now?
No, I'm saying they can't be still on the run with no teeth.
I'm saying they know Brian Landry's dead.
They don't know his genius way to do it.
Just take out your teeth.
Take out your teeth.
Put them somewhere.
They find the teeth.
They think you're dead.
And then you're still alive.
Brian Landry's free.
You think they just found his teeth?
Brian Landry.
You think his teeth in a desert and that's it?
Gave him some clothing.
Some chicken bones, bro.
Yeah.
They just found some teeth.
You look and get the teeth.
You believe what you want.
What else did they find?
They find a foot.
They haven't told us yet, have they?
I thought they told us about the teeth.
Obviously, it's unfortunate.
They actually were talking about it.
Yeah, what they said.
What did they say really happened?
The truth?
Yes.
How did he kill his girl?
Did they guess the truth?
No, that has to be a question.
For the truth, you're boring.
I'm saying how are you going to handle the truth?
Yeah, that's freaking.
Calm down, bro.
You need to calm the fuck down, okay?
You get real charges.
Y'all hang out with Alex Jones too much.
No, 23 meet bullshit.
Yo, they just want all your information that they can get, and then they just send you back some bullshit.
Oh, yeah, you're a 4% fucking Congolese.
But look at that.
You're literally doing it for the 4% because you know what you are, 95.
Yeah.
You're white.
And I'm a healthy.
Puerto Rican.
I'm a little curious.
Like, but you knew that before you spit into the cup.
Nah, but I'm not.
Your dad is.
They're saying we're Portuguese.
And that Portuguese people went to the city.
And we went over to Puerto Rico, you know.
Got some mommies.
Yeah.
New York.
Grabbed a little soca toa, made a baby.
So you Native American, dog.
You might be Native American.
They say I'm not.
I thought I was because I was really going to try to get that tax.
Oh, you got to, bro.
They don't pay any tax at all.
Native Americans don't.
Yeah, that's why Elizabeth Warren wants to tax everybody else because she can't tax herself.
Yeah.
Do you think Native Elizabeth Warren is Native American?
When you met her, did you feel any spirits or anything?
I did.
I felt it.
She did.
I felt it.
What did you feel?
Nothing, bro.
I didn't even see her.
I thought you said you just did it with.
No, I said she was.
We did Seth together.
That's what I said.
Don't put words in my mouth.
No, no, no, no.
You said that's so unimpressed.
He's white devils, though.
Don't we happen to be on the same episode of Late Night with Seth Meyers?
No, real.
I was fucked up the way they said you said you were hanging out with Elizabeth Warren.
I did not.
You literally said you both used to do this.
Can we pull you out?
You said you lose every part of the buffalo before you did Seth Meyers.
You both said you did that.
Okay?
Stop it.
Don't lie to me.
Oh, my God.
Okay, we've been through too much.
Dude, we've been through too much.
No, that's the thing.
I'm going to gut on your Instagram right after this.
You got a lot of shit you can flex.
I happen to be on the same episode of Seth Meyers as Elizabeth Warren and didn't meet her.
Not a flex.
Yeah, this crusty fish.
She's not a flex.
She's just saying a statement.
Crusty old bitch.
You need to chill out.
She's a crusty old bitch.
She needs to chill out.
She's trying to take all that money you made from HBO, son.
She's making movies right now.
She's with you trying to take your goddamn money, bro.
Don't worry about my money.
No, I'm worried about it.
I'm really worried about mine, but I'm worried about yours.
Okay.
Elizabeth Warren worried about it.
Yeah, Elizabeth Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, your countryman.
Was she Puerto Rican?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
What do you think about her?
I don't know anything about her.
That's a convenient answer.
I don't.
That's a convenient answer.
What do you think about her?
You know what I mean?
I think she got that.
No, shout out to AOC, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Shout out to AOC.
That's the homie, right?
That's the homie, right?
Jay Balavin And His Game Plan00:03:48
What you think about Jay Balvin?
I don't even know who that is.
Say what?
I don't even know who that is.
How long were you on that golf course?
Yo, Jay Balvin, what do you know about Jay Balavin?
You never heard of that Jay Balavin?
No.
Dominican reggaetone artist?
Nope.
Well, is it still called reggaetone?
Are they allowed to make other music?
Are they allowed to make it?
Just if they sing, it has to be reggae tone.
Oh, yeah, that's reggae tone.
Like, no, that was rap.
Really rap.
That's Jay Balavin right there.
Yeah.
What did he say?
I don't know.
He came out of the music video.
He looks like you and PEDs, bro.
Remember when you had that blonde hair?
Yeah.
Son.
I'm going to bring it back soon.
Really?
Yeah.
Why?
It's just fun.
Change it up.
My hair grows back.
It's not like yours.
This guy is a piece of shit.
That's going to be kind of fucking game planning kicks to keep my goddamn hair.
Where was it?
What was happening?
This guy, his hair was like a little bit fucked up.
Like it was just like a little bit.
My barber messed up.
His barber fucked up a little bit.
And he was like complaining about his hair.
And I'm like, what's going on?
He goes, ah, he fucked up.
You know, I'm looking like I'm balding and that kind of shit.
And I'm like, bro, don't worry.
You just get on the finest ride or whatever.
Like, you're good.
Like, you'll be totally fine.
This and that.
And he goes, he goes, oh, no, I'm not like really going bald.
And then he goes, he goes, no, no, I have to actually have my barber thin.
Yeah.
Really?
My hair's in my hair.
And I've never been, we were in a really tight hotel room, so I didn't have room to swing.
But if I had more space, he went to hit the wall.
I never have been so enraged in my life that you go into a barber, you're like, can you make my hair look thinner?
Can I tell you something?
I had the same issue.
Three years, you're going to be losing your fucking mind.
Oh, I can't wait.
When they stop taking out their deck scissors, you're going to be like, I can't wait.
You don't need to do that at the bottom.
My father still got the thickest head of hair.
I mean, that's because he didn't deal with you.
Yes, that's the first fact that has been said today.
Yeah, that was really, that was triggering for me, Ricky.
Sorry, man.
I mean, you look, you got, you took the medicines.
You look good.
Yo, this man conciliatory, hunting.
He trying to make you feel better.
Yo, first of all, he was so condescending, bro.
I don't even know what that word you said.
I didn't know it either.
So I was just angry at him.
Now I'm angry at both of y'all getting up with me with your hair feeding asses.
Hey, whatever you, whatever you bald bitch.
Just stand there pushing the bat.
I'm gonna, to be honest with you, bro.
I'd be pissed off.
Oh, they're sponsoring the podcast.
I'm on it, bro.
Your hair thing is sponsoring this.
That's why they sponsor us.
I know what's on.
I'm like, yo.
Before I go on stage, bro.
You're selling out.
Your hair's fine.
You're just trying to fucking get the money.
That shit sucks.
This shit sucks.
This shit sucks, bro.
This hair sucks, bro.
Are you dying it too?
Say what?
You dying your hair?
Fuck you, Ricky.
This is no grays.
Oh, I got grays.
I got my little grays coming on the side.
I got my salt and peps.
You know what I mean?
Most of the peps.
You know what I mean?
But the salt is coming.
Why?
Are you getting gray?
Yeah, I'm getting gray.
Really?
Let me see what you got up top.
That's the anxiety.
I don't like these little bangs we're seeing.
All right, you still got hair.
Yeah, I got hair.
I got hair.
When your shit is gone, please believe I'll rejoice.
I'm gonna have a lot of money.
Don't worry about that.
I'm gonna just send you pics.
No, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna fucking get it, put it back in if it goes that way.
Turkey?
Yeah.
So we go to Turkey if we want to do it.
We, when I say we, none of y'all fucking need that.
Just this guy over here.
Fucking tumbleweed dove.
We go to Turkey.
Wait, wait, Turkey does better.
Turkey is where everybody in Europe goes.
Like the football players and shit like that.
Cricket Matches And Gray Hair Anxiety00:15:14
Yeah.
Really?
And it's dumb cheap.
Like, if you do it, the dude in that game.
Like Brazil?
Well, I guess you could do Brazil too.
Yeah, like Brazil does all that.
I don't trust that because I see some of those girls' bodies and they look bro.
Last time I was coming back from Miami, this girl got on the plane.
She's sitting right next to me.
You smash?
No.
Bro, her ass was so big.
She was shorter than me.
But when she sat down, she was taller than me.
Do you understand?
I am that ass early.
I was like, how is this bitch taller than me?
You taller than me, but shorter than me.
Looked ridiculous.
Her feet didn't tell me.
Crazy looking.
Yeah.
In another world, like another time, you're not making it.
Miami's insane.
Another world, would you get behind that?
I don't like that body.
I don't like natural.
It's a flotation device, maybe.
It's a bit of a damage.
In case you crash.
That's actually good.
That's a good thing.
What?
Like, if some Captain Sully shit goes on, you just toss that bitch out in the water first and then blow it on this for a couple of weeks.
Jack could have lived on that bitch.
Titanic would have been totally different.
No one had some ass implants.
Oh, Marquito, what else we got?
We need some more feelings.
Feelings real fast.
You want to take a little pee break?
Okay, take a pee break.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to make sure that you guys are making some money.
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Now let's get back to the show and we're back um yo big news, big news.
This is huge, This is big fucking news.
Salesman Schultze, bro.
This is big fucking news, bro.
You got to take it seriously.
You're not taking it seriously.
Listen, big fucking news here.
Pakistan beat India in cricket.
Let's go.
My neighbors are packing.
Indian show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to let them have one.
You got it.
Who beat who?
Pakistan beat India.
And India.
Yeah.
They're different countries.
No, I know.
I have Pakistani neighbors.
You have Pakistani neighbors.
He says, hey, us too.
We're doing it, really?
We must live in a good neighborhood.
So does India?
Yeah, so does India.
No, so the reason why this is a big deal is because we have a real live Pakistani right here.
Okay.
And we have a real live Indian right here.
They have been mortal enemies for decades.
Big problems.
Lives lost over this.
And a safe way for them to compete without the world burning, right?
Obviously, wait, are both of them nuclear powers?
India is.
Is Pakistan as well?
They got slingshots.
You have slingshots?
Yeah.
Slingshots with marbles, not the Bronx.
Okay, so there's no nuclear.
There's no way.
Okay.
So, I mean, we have two opposing countries that are ready to fucking blow each other.
Bro, doesn't it look like they make up that game as they go along when they play this shit?
Puerto Ricans only allow one game with a batting ball, bro.
They don't say that shit.
I'm playing stick balls.
Get a real bet.
Okay?
It's a broomstick cut off.
Now, this is a big fucking deal.
Okay.
Is this embarrassing for you as an Indian?
It was bound to happen.
12 straight wins for India.
This guy is crazy.
He was waiting for this thing.
Just dropped his name.
Yeah.
How do you feel about this?
I feel great.
Look, we haven't won in a very long time.
Yeah.
So we got this one win, and it's good.
I got to eat it.
You think we're turning it around?
Hey, hey.
Oh, you think it's over?
The tide is turning.
Hey, tide is turning.
I would love it.
We got to compete in something.
Y'all are too dumb to win a spell and be over there.
Jesus.
We got to have something, yo.
I wore green, though.
You said wear green.
I wear green.
I'm eating it.
How do you spell jihad?
It's G-E-K.
X-A-D-X-A-D.
Okay.
Listen, this is very serious.
Ricky, we need you to chime in on this.
Okay, I'm Team India.
Hey, Jesus.
Yo, they were hiding in fucking the dog.
Osama bin Laden.
He went Muppet Voice on you.
That means he said it.
Okay?
Now, when Ricky goes Muppet Voice, it's a problem for anybody else.
That's me searching in the back of my head.
That's exactly what.
Yeah, you're looking for Osama.
Just like Pakistan.
Stop hiding, people.
Killing my people.
Yeah.
Yes.
Who are your people?
Who are your people?
New York.
New Yorkers.
You Portuguese.
Portuguese fucking kids.
Sub-Saharan.
Sub-Arama.
This is a Sub-Arma.
Sub-Saharan African.
Bruns do too much.
Standing at that superb.
Dude, Florida fucked me up.
Okay.
But, okay, Akash, you were taking this quite well.
Yeah, they had to get one, yo.
Now, if we keep losing, it's going to be a problem.
But you're taking this too well to the point where it's condescending.
Like, you're like, yeah, you got to give them a little something.
Yeah.
How much cricket are you watching?
Huh?
How much cricket are you really watching?
Enough.
Wow.
Wait, do you really watch the sport of cricket?
I watch the World Cup whenever it comes around.
So my Indian friends were losing their minds, and I didn't even know.
But when the World Cup comes around, if we lose, I'm going to be fucking devastated.
And is it looking like there's a chance, Father?
I think so, because we are turning it around.
Wait, can I just ask you guys one quick question?
Because I know you guys are real fans of the sport.
You really care about it.
Yeah, cricket trivia.
I'll only watch World Cup.
Can you name one player on the Pakistani?
Not a single one.
Fucking fraud.
Can you name one of Kole?
Virat Kohli, Ms. Doni.
I watched it.
Fact check that.
He could have just been made on himself.
He doubled down.
He named it.
You couldn't just make up a fucking airplane.
Bro, you could have Urdu or Urdu or whatever.
Damn it.
Iman Khan.
Iman Khan.
Bro, he counts.
Just say Muhammad, bro.
You got like a 75% chance of being right.
Cricket.
MS, what'd you say?
13?
What was the V-I-R-A-T?
Last I knew he was the captain.
Okay.
And then MS Doni, I don't know if he's still playing, but he should be.
He's not playing the last World Cup.
He's not playing anymore.
That guy was playing in like the Virgini Doni.
That's a great thing.
They think of that all by themselves over there in India?
No.
Imagine that being a chant in America.
Cowboys, Cowboys.
K-E-T-S.
Jets, Jets, Jets, Jets.
You should love that.
It's spelling.
It's too easy.
It's easy to be your favorite.
That's why y'all lose.
It needs to be a longer name for him to like it.
Also have some Z's and silent X. MS Doni retired December 30th, 2014.
Yo, you're a fraud.
You're a fraud.
Not for a while.
Bro, I mean, almost, what is this?
He played on the last one.
So that's seven years ago.
He played in the last World Cup.
No, it's not.
I don't know.
I got to double check.
Son, just admit you know nothing.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
I know.
You know nothing.
I know Virat Kohli, motherfucker.
Giroat Kohli.
Virat.
V-I-R-A-T.
Virat Kohli.
Yeah.
Have y'all made them play each other?
Yeah, we do.
Every single year.
Yeah, we race them.
We race them.
It's kind of fun.
We do.
We do.
We have a brown race every single year.
We have a brown race.
We're coming up on that.
We're coming up on that.
Coming to get in shape, guys.
What are you looking at me for?
I'm just saying.
We have a fight to the death coming soon.
Listen, you got to thin the herd somewhere.
It's the curry game.
It is the curry game.
Ooh.
Have a cook off a curry game.
That's cool.
Oh, I got that.
Cooking?
Come on.
Now, say what you want to say.
Yeah, talk that shit.
Talk that shit.
Say what you want to say.
You've had my food.
Yeah, no, Vala can cook.
But there's an insult to our Pakistan Presenter.
Yeah, Call him gay.
Call him.
I just can't think of a good Pakistani restaurant anywhere in the city.
Yeah, I'll be real.
My neighbors with Pakistani, and it was the only food that has ever woken me up out of a deep sleep.
What?
What is this?
For good or bad reasons.
Bro.
Bad.
I ain't saying either way.
I've never woken up for food like that.
Oh, man.
But is it like pie on the windowsill in a cartoon?
Good?
No, it's not that.
It's the other one.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm awake.
Yeah, like a boxer.
Like that.
Yeah, yeah, like I just got knocked out.
I mean, you're probably just not used to seasonings.
Maybe you're not sure.
Hey, Puerto Rican, it makes no sense.
Go.
I see you a bunch of people.
Oh, God.
I said, Ricky's charged up.
Ricky's charged up.
Okay.
This neighborhood you from?
Yeah.
Marian.
I live in Williamsburg.
He's from Virginia.
Oh, so you're not from.
Okay.
No, I'm from Virginia.
I'm from Karachi, Pakistan.
No, he's not.
I'm actually from Pakistani.
Yeah, but you don't have your wedding in your backyard and shit.
I actually did.
I don't know if that's more Virginia or Pakistan.
Nah, in Queens, they have it right in the backyard.
You'll play the drums and stuff and all that stuff.
I've been through with a few of them.
Yeah.
All right.
All right.
You might be a little qualified.
Wiki just discredits people who are not from Queens.
Queens is the most diverse borough.
No, but I like the fact that you just discredit him based on the fact he's not from New York.
Like, if somebody came here and they're like, no, no, I have a new cure for the coronavirus.
Like, where are you from?
Staten Island, maybe.
Yeah, you know, I'm from Staten Island.
Hey, you're Corona.
You're not from New York.
You can do anything.
You're not from New York.
Is that a real feeling?
Is that a real feeling that you had?
Like, a little bit.
Yeah.
How could you possibly be clear not from me?
Dude, he's from Pakistan.
Williamsburg, dog.
You can't cook Pakistani dogs.
I'm from Karachi.
Fuck out of here.
You can't cook.
That is true.
I like that article that I think it was Vulture.
Yeah.
Did where you were saying you were like, they got me in my feelings.
Yeah.
Oh, you were, you were sensey.
You were a little sensi in that moment.
I was.
I was definitely.
Some comic pissed you off.
I just think it's weird.
Some comic pissed you together.
Wait, what happened in the Vulture?
He was just upset at all you comics coming to New York calling yourselves New York.
They use the city and they don't give back.
I feel.
They don't give back.
Because the city took from us.
So we're good.
We'll call it even.
What does that mean?
The city just takes all the time.
It's expensive.
Oh, yeah, because you'd be doing this for a living.
Yeah.
Where you're from.
No, I had to be here.
But because why?
Because it's the greatest city in the world.
It's the greatest city in the world.
Right?
Tap that.
Yeah.
We'll see where you live when you're 40.
What?
Florida.
We all know this.
All roads lead to Miami, baby.
That was actually really good.
That was really good.
I know why Andrew's.
I know why Andrew spent exactly six months down there.
Six months and a day.
And a day.
And a day.
Only flying in through New York using cash.
Come on, man.
Bank checks and everything.
I want to get back in.
Go turn on the lights, babe.
You ain't going to know me here.
No, we were there for four months, but I was looking up that six months in a day.
But you didn't do it.
No, I really thought you were down there doing that.
Son, it's hard.
We're talking about cheating taxes.
Not cheating.
The rules.
Son, New York got a tax office in Florida, in Miami, for that reason.
They're catching motherfuckers.
So if you're there for six months in a day, you don't get to write off the whole year.
You just get to write off what you did there during those months.
So I'm like, are we going to stay here for another two months to just be able to write off the shit we did for six months, even though we're doing stuff, podcasts, et cetera, back in New York for the other six?
Like the money didn't work out.
But I was looking into it because I thought I found a loophole.
I was like, hold up.
So I just stayed in nice weather for half the year and then save all the money.
Yeah.
And then New York was like, nah, nah.
Hard.
So how do you get it?
How do you prove you have to own residency?
No, it's easy to get like what is not citizenship, but an easy residency.
Yeah.
It's easy to get the residency.
But if you're making money outside of Florida, which we are like when we're on the road, like you know, when you go to the road in Cali, Cali's like, dude, it's so crazy how much California takes from you.
Same with the Canada, too.
They hit you over the head.
So I looked at that and I was like, oh, okay.
So we'll save money on the podcast, obviously, but the other stuff that we're doing is not going to make a difference.
Son, I was close.
I really thought that's what you were doing.
I almost bought an apartment.
Yeah.
I did.
I was looking.
I was all in.
Off a hunch.
This guy's a fucking animal.
Yeah.
Hunching, bro.
Ricky, do you have Bitcoin?
You got crypto or anything?
I think I'm going to say that on this.
Wait, why not?
Put my money out there.
What are you talking about?
Yo, that's so crazy.
What?
Come on, son.
Do you think people think you don't have money?
No, I don't.
When you text Judd Appetal, you're on a fucking private golf course in Florida.
Yeah, this kid's slumming it, yo.
Oh, man.
People are just really.
You're not relatable.
You're not relatable.
I'm too rich.
I heard you're moving studios, man.
I'm proud of you.
So we out here.
You got to break your snow.
You got a fucking snitch.
Come on.
I can't break the news, Ricky.
No, Ricky, let me hear about this crypto that you got.
I hear you're big.
I don't have any.
Say what?
I don't have any.
None of it?
No.
Okay, where do you got your money?
Dude, come on, son, where you got your money, son.
Investment advice, yo?
Private Golf Courses And Gangs00:15:21
Yeah, we just got to do it.
Investment advice.
Yo, just give some random advice.
My kid got a stock portfolio.
I think that's cool.
That's very cool.
Oh, you got to get your kid credit.
That's the next step.
Yeah, Mark just had to learn how to get credit.
Yeah, I never had a credit card.
His dad runs a Ponzi scheme in France.
I love that.
He's worried about my kid's credit.
He's the only one believing that I have no money.
Don't get him credit.
Son, for real, bro.
My kid got a portfolio.
Yeah, yeah.
But we want to know what you got.
Nothing, man.
It's all his.
It's all his.
Not a little bit of it is yours.
Nah, man.
Take an Uber X. Just like regular folk, right?
They sending me free clothes.
You know, just keep it light.
All this humble talk right here, I think Ricky's really stacking some bread.
How you feel that he got the New York jacket and they didn't send you one?
Damn.
Yo, I can't do that.
Only New York.
Shout out only New York.
They send you so much shit.
They're really trying to divide and conquer us New Yorkers right now.
Yeah.
I see what you're doing.
I'm not going to let it happen.
I will say this.
Only New York suck my dick.
You send him one jacket.
Yeah, man.
If you're going to make some fucking Carhartt jackets with a logo on it, you can send one to your boy, Schultz.
Okay?
In our new studio.
Shut up.
In our new studio.
The people don't know you.
I guess we're letting them know.
I mean, he told me shit.
Doug, it's Doug's fault.
You a snitch.
You a snitch.
Why are you snitching, bro?
Why are you snitching, bro?
I said, I said, oh, this studio's nice.
He's like, we're getting rid of it.
We got money now.
He said it just like that.
Yeah.
Damn.
You can't trust Island Boys.
You can't trust these island boys, bro.
Yo, you really can't, bro.
Fucking Island Boys saying that Queens, dog, is Queens, bro.
You know, Al's from Queens.
What part?
Far Rock.
Kid from Far Rock.
Queens Village.
Damn, yo, yo, he said that.
Like, you ain't shit, Al.
He talked about Rockaway.
Yo, Rockaway is crazy.
He said Queens Village, like, yo.
Go to the beach, you got to take your wallet in the ocean if you want to go in.
That's a fact.
It is true, though.
Like, when you go in the water in New York, you go into the water and look at the waves, but you also look at some brother, like, yeah.
Everybody can't go in the water at the same time.
Come on, you got to stay 100 at the same time.
You can't go ahead and just go in the water.
Yo, that's the same thing.
You're just back in the beach the whole time.
Holding your wallet high in the ocean.
She got your phone in one hand.
Oh, the ocean's so nice.
Damn, bro.
So, wait, which area is more pussy?
Queens Village or Far Rock?
Queens Village.
I wouldn't argue with that, but my local high school was one of the high schools that got caught with a gun in it.
Just one?
I wasn't even allowed to go to my fucking local high school.
What high school did you go to?
I went to Frank Sinatra School of the Arts.
Is that the one where the guys suck each other's cocks off?
I think that's the one.
That's right there, bro.
That's the one bit of shit.
No, that's LaGuardia.
That's LaGuardia.
That's LaGuardia.
No, LaGuardia.
LaGuardia is a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
They got a gang built into it.
Frank Sinatra, that's rat pack, son.
Don't disrespect.
That's true.
But Frank didn't go there.
Tony Bennett used to walk around my school.
He founded it.
Really?
Yeah.
Kevin Spacey spoke at my high school graduation.
No, Jesus Christ.
He try you?
No.
Is that a little demoralizing?
I wasn't a good-looking kid.
Oh, you grew up.
I had this same size head since like the fifth grade, bro.
Oh, yeah, I grew into it finally.
So you just look like Tyrion Lannister.
You look like a goose.
And then, so Kevin Space is there.
What did he tell you guys?
He was actually funny.
He did the speech and it was great.
Seinfeld spoke at our first graduation.
No, the king in New York.
Yeah, bro.
First graduation spoke at.
He's got only one.
And he murdered.
Murdered.
Then I meet him, right?
And I told Estie, I was like, he spoke at my high school's first graduation.
She's like, come with me.
I'm like, half drunk.
Oh, no.
I walk up to Seinfeld.
I'm like, you spoke at my high school graduation.
Oh, at my school's high school graduation.
He goes, Frank Sinatra School of Arts.
They go, yeah.
How do you remember that?
He goes, oh, you think I speak at a lot of high schools.
He goes, when Tony Bennett calls, you show up.
That's actually a good story.
I've heard terrible ones, so I'm having mine.
Yeah, I was ready for you to convince these guys that he's a fucking scumbag.
No, I liked him.
He's always been nice to me.
He's a great guy.
Fuck you.
I like this guy.
Fuck you.
He's always been nice to me.
Bruce Willis spoke at it.
What is this school?
What's our name?
Lady Gaga used to come in because she did an album and she bennetted our vocal.
Oh, Tony Bennett got the plug, so she could call anybody else.
Yo, Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga was fired.
When Tony Bennett and Billy Joel put the album together, they used to bring us to Good Morning America to be like, they'd be like, we have the kids from Frank Sinatra.
And then we'd just dip out and go smoke weed and sleep apart.
We were jaded by that shit by the time we graduated.
It was cool.
Wow.
Yeah, we got to do some really cool shit.
Portuguese kids you thought about those opportunities in their life.
Well, that's what the cool thing was.
Like, I'm sure you feel this in a way.
I don't know what made you see the city, but like, I live so far out, I never came to Manhattan.
Yeah.
And I, like, my school was in Long Island City, and that's where I like met like my closest friends, my best friends from Washington Heights.
He went to, remember that school, Bard, like early college?
Remember, there's that school?
Where was that?
It was in the city, Lower East Side.
But it was like connected to Bard College.
Oh, it was a high school?
Like a high school, but yeah, you could like take some college classes and shit.
Did you, you scored good on that test?
Yeah, you have to score.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you graduated with them.
I did a good audition.
I still can't read, but I can act my fucking ass out.
No school shootings at our school, though.
You know what I mean?
It'd be look like Hamilton if they tried to do it.
Both sides, yes.
But did you have some schools?
We had 125 kids per grade.
It was sick.
Yeah.
That's a good number.
I went to a smaller school like that, Baruch.
Oh, okay.
Public school.
That's public?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The college.
It's connected to the college.
It was inside it, but we didn't have the same ability.
Yo, my school was connected to DeVry University.
Long Island City.
And these dudes that went to DeVry would just be hollering at our girls, and we would have to scrap the Vry guys.
It was nuts, dude.
It was crazy.
Oh, because I'm sure there was just like some empty rooms and they rented it out from DeVry.
We were in a business building.
We were like two floors above.
Yeah.
Because the school wasn't finished.
The school's in Astoria now and it's beautiful.
And I'm pissed because I tried to do my special there and the school said yes.
The board of education shut me down.
Oh, shit.
That's wild.
It's like I did everything I was supposed to do.
I came back here with Judd Appatow.
And they're like, the board of education, I made those bitches sign an NDA and gave them my set.
And they're like, you say triggering things for children and we can't have you.
And it was just like, I don't know.
They didn't give me an example.
I'm about halfway through it so far.
I don't know.
None of it seems triggering.
They wouldn't let me do it, man.
It could be something.
Bunged me hard because it's a beautiful school.
Beautiful.
That school is beautiful now.
Stunning.
They reduce it did it completely.
It wasn't built when I was going.
They have an orchestra pit.
It's a public school that's like funded through people and whatnot.
It's so sick.
If your school had to fight Al's school, who do you think would win?
Well, if Al School fought back, it's a hate crime.
Yeah.
That's true.
That's true.
If there's no such thing as hate crimes.
Yeah.
If Al took the toughest gays from his school and then fought.
Bro, there's some tough, tough gay guys in my school.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, the guys at Al School would have to admit to being gay.
That's true.
Who do you think wins in that fight?
Straight up street fight, old school New York.
Grab a snapple bottle.
I don't know enough about his school to say that, but I mean, I know a few kids that can scrap.
I think he said your school's pussy.
Yeah, you got something he said in the nicest way possible.
He said, you got some gangsters that come from art school.
Say what?
Tupac came from art school.
There's some gangsters that become school.
Michael Che went to LaGuardia.
That's true.
That's true.
But yeah, what's the fuck, though?
No question.
I'm just saying Far Rock.
Yeah.
But he came into the city for school.
Oh, you fucked up.
What's up, nerd?
He went with a vote.
Yeah, yeah, you're a nerd.
I mean, he ain't wrong.
He ain't wrong, but he's right.
That's cool.
But like, even every school had shit.
Yeah.
Now, my school fucked y'all up.
Brooklyn Tech was kind of wild.
Yeah, Brooklyn Tech.
There was like Ladding Kings in it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tech.
Yeah, yeah.
Because Tech was the one who was like the dumbest of the smart ones.
Right?
Stuyvesant, then Bronx Science, and then Brooklyn Tech.
Wasn't there Regis too?
Regis is the shit that we took every year.
No, Regis.
I thought there was a school like a.
Isn't that like a Jewish school?
I don't know.
I don't know.
My kid's going private.
Fuck the board of that.
Are you really putting your kid in private school?
He's in private school.
How old's your kid?
Three?
Three.
And he's in.
He's private at that age.
Bro, he's in a private school.
But are you going to keep him in private school?
They don't have public school at three.
They don't let poor people educate their children until later in the life.
Bro, you came in here today saying you got your kid in the best school.
Yeah.
He's three, though.
Yeah.
What a school when you're three.
Dude, you didn't go to school until you were seven.
Yeah, I didn't know.
Farther than that.
I was homeschooled until I was fucking 12.
Oh, man.
He was going to school way before you did.
One years old.
You never went to school.
No, but you're not going public, bro.
Come on.
No.
You get so many experiences, cultural experiences, diversity.
What are you talking about?
Like, my whole friend group, my comfort with all different cultures and my kid's last name is Velez.
They needed one of him.
He needed it to me.
He's going to get it for cheap.
He got it to the best school.
Yeah, Native American.
And if you don't think his kid is going to the most exclusive fucking private school boarding school wherever he's living at that time, my daughter, that's why everybody's like, don't you want your kid?
I'm not going to let my daughter be hanging around with these minorities.
No, but my son's going to public school 100%.
100%.
What experience did you get at public school?
You can't get a private school in New York.
It's not the same when we were kids.
I was just hanging out with black people and not making an absolute fool of myself every half time.
Like my private school kids just had no clue how to do it.
Like no clue.
Just how to be around people that weren't like rich white kids.
They just didn't understand how to do it.
And like, it was just embarrassing seeing it happen.
And then, but I was just, I just went to school with all these different kids.
So it was just super normal.
It was just what we expected.
Almost to the point where if I was just with like all white people, I felt like the outsider.
Because there's certain jokes that I would like want to make, but they just wouldn't get it.
And or just like ribbing and that kind of stuff that they just wouldn't kind of understand.
So that experience, I'm like, that's fucking invaluable, man.
My brothers went private.
Really?
Catholic schools.
Catholic school is not private.
Yeah, it is.
You pay for it.
You pay for it, but it ain't the same as private.
It's poor motherfuckers in Catholic school, too.
Yeah, us.
But you know what I'm saying?
Like, if you grew up.
It took us out of where we were going to be.
I was supposed to go to Martin Van Buren.
Oh, yeah.
So it's like I didn't have to go there because I was able to get into this school.
And then on top of it, my older brother, my older brother and younger brother had to go to Catholics so they didn't have to end up in Van Buren.
Dude, my boy's dad was the principal of Martin Van Buren and he used to scrap kids on the regular.
Yes.
Kids would fight him.
See, that's lit.
I don't want my kid going to a fucked up public school.
Well, dude, you don't have the choice anymore.
It's not set up like it used to be.
You get to choose three schools you want to go to and you might get, it's like a lottery.
Oh, back in the day used to be like your neighborhood.
No, no, no.
There's no zone schools no more.
What?
Yes.
Yo, School's post kids out of our public schools.
This is ridiculous.
It's a matter of like, you're in a zone.
So you're like, even if you live down the block from a school, you're not promised to go to that.
Because when we were growing up, it was if you lived in this neighborhood, you had access to all these schools.
And when you're in elementary, you could pretty much go to whatever one.
And then middle school, you had to like.
I had to lie about my address to go to a nicer school.
Yeah, you used like your dad's work address.
Yeah, yeah, some shit like that.
And but then in middle school, you had to like, like not audition, but you basically submit your report cards and shit.
And then high school, it was the same thing.
And it got a little bit harder and harder to get to.
But if you had good grades, like you could go to like a really good public school and there'd still be like diversity, like economic diversity.
You get some rich motherfuckers, you're some poor motherfuckers, but at least you're with like the real world.
That's my fear about private school with my kid is there's no doubt the education will be better in terms of the book learning, but how do I get him to understand like life?
Yeah, but at the same time, dude, he'll be like shaking hands with like politicians, kids, and hanging out with like people that will put him in position to be great.
I know what he's saying.
I'm gonna put him in position to be great.
I don't need him to be friends with politicians.
It takes a village.
A village, man.
I don't know.
You understand what I'm saying?
Like, there are certain things that we were able to do.
You get that in New York City, dude.
Look at you.
You're fine.
No, no, these private school kids all went to fucking like Riverdale, like Horace Mann, and these like schools that you're basically living on a college campus.
It's different.
Yeah, not my kids.
That's not my kids' private school.
So it's different.
And also sports, like, it's trash.
They're trash at sports.
No, tennis.
Get out of here with all this.
Tennis and golf.
Get out of here.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Julio, let's go.
You're corrupting his brain, Julio, with your tennis lessons.
Okay.
Every sport they play in public school, you can either be knocked unconscious or they play the CTs.
That's a good way of looking at it.
I like the CT sports.
No, I do think that there's value.
I do think there's value to that experience.
Like in the same way you come into that school, it's like you're hanging out with all these like white kids and shit like that, and you're going to school with them.
And now all of a sudden you're comfortable in those.
You need exposure.
You need exposure.
Oh, I needed it too.
I needed it too.
Yeah.
But like, and you even.
I never came to Manhattan.
If I did, it was like a thing.
So like now, like back then, like my best friend was from Washington Heights.
So we would just come to the city all the time.
And it was just, I had never done that.
I just stayed in my neighborhood, rode around on my bike, and that was it.
I feel like, yeah, I feel like getting those moments and like getting that exposure is just super valuable.
Like, because I'll see white dudes that don't hang out with like black dudes at all, for example.
And like their default personality around black dudes is like, look how awkward white people are.
If I'm an awkward white guy, and they just become this caricature of what they think black people see them as.
And it's embarrassing, bro.
It makes it awkward for everyone.
Everybody, it's like the black people don't like it.
I'm assuming, because they know what you're doing.
Do you feel that way?
Yeah, all the time.
I always found it very insulting.
Awkward White Guy Caricatures00:02:43
It'd be very insulting to your intelligence.
I would assume that.
Either that or you get the over-the-top, like, yo, my brother, my brother, this.
Yeah, I voted for Obama too long.
They do that shit all the time.
So, I just, I don't want my kid to have to have that.
And it's so easy.
You just have to send them to a shittier school.
That is the call.
And you just got to give them like one or two years.
At the what?
At a bad school.
Yeah, yeah.
Give them a couple years at elementary.
Learn how to make friends.
Learn how to talk to everybody.
And then I'll send you to the good shit.
That sounds fair.
Yeah.
Now you come into the good school with like Puerto Rican game.
Like you've been around the Puerto Ricans who are 14 years old harassing girls on a subway.
And then you take that shit up to fucking Riverdale and no one's stopping you.
They'll kick your ass.
I see you walking out of bio.
Stop talking to your teacher like that.
Yeah, we slapping teacher challenges.
Everybody in New York, anything you ever got New York education, there's everybody be like, yo, I could have begged my English teacher.
100.
100.
What teacher could you smash?
How do you know?
You might have to bleed that name.
I won't say her name.
No, but I had a teacher after I graduated hit me up on Facebook.
I made the mistake of telling my friends and they started all adding her.
They went crazy.
And then she deleted everything.
Yo, those teachers, you have to understand, like, especially the teacher's assistants, they were like 23.
We were 18.
You know what I mean?
Like, we're going to the same bars and shit.
Like, I would be at bars and see the teacher's assistants.
And what'd you say?
I say, what's up with it?
Yeah, buy me a drink.
And what he said.
I don't know.
That's what I don't think it's that crazy.
Like when the teacher's assistants are like plugging out these fucking seniors in high school.
Oh, dude, it's crazy.
No, I'm not going to sit here and act like that's not fucking crazy.
That's insane, bro.
That shit is super rich.
I support the teachers in that, honestly.
They got to get paid somehow.
That's more the female teachers.
Yeah, female teachers only.
The guy teachers, that's mad weird.
Guy teachers should be shot in the back of the head.
I don't know why you're a teacher if you're a guy.
Just do it.
Yeah, that's the good point.
Wait, Do what?
Just do math.
Just be a mathematician.
Like, go be a fucking history writer.
Well, that's why they're.
You don't teach it if you were good enough to be that.
That's what I'm saying.
What's stopping you, fellas?
Well, that's how I kind of felt about my drama teacher.
Well, I was just like, if he was the man at this, you'd be if you're nice at acting, go do the acting, bro.
Okay, this is ladies' work.
That's not what I was saying at all.
You know what I was saying?
That's what I was saying.
That's what you were saying.
That's what you said before.
When you said that, I thought that that was wild, disrespectful.
Guy Teachers Should Be Shot00:01:51
Yeah, that was crazy.
Your new movie coming out with Judd Abatow, Ladies' Work, is a super disrespectful premise.
It's a disrespectful premise to insult these hardworking teachers like that.
Okay, the way he played basketball, he had a female gym teacher there.
Oh, God.
I missed the shed.
He was crossing me over.
Bitch had my ankles wobbling.
Yeah, broken, and I'm grabbing.
My school didn't even have a gym.
I had to take ballet.
My fucking dude, look how I could turn that shit out.
My turnout is crazy.
Boom.
That's how you got them prom shows.
Hey, Ricky, tell them everything that they need to know so they can support you.
Asshole Army, we sent in all the support to Ricky's new special.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry for trolling with y'all, but you're so funny.
And how upset they get because for every 10 you have, you have those two fucking idiots.
Calm down.
No, no, no.
Let them know.
Special Instagram.
October 23rd.
It's out.
Yes.
Yep.
Watching on HBO.
HBO Max.
They're playing it a bunch on HBO.
It's great.
It's fucking good, man.
I'm really fucking happy with it.
The shots are beautiful.
That guy that shot it, he shot me, Goldman, and Seinfeld.
Yeah.
And he's just, he's just a genius.
Michael Bonfiglio.
And then, um, yeah, I just like Pete uh produced it along with uh Judd, and it's uh, HBO's just been fun to work with, man.
And they let me go for it, so it's been fun.
So, check it out, HBO Max, and also uh, Instagram where they can find you, Ricky, Ricky Veles.
Yeah, yeah, but make sure you support Ricky, go check it out, or in your comments, yeah, yeah, keep talking shit.
You know what I mean?
Uh, we love you, we appreciate you, and I'm so proud of you, man.
Thank you, brother.
Love you, love you, all right, thank you, guys, guys.