Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect the Taliban's resource-driven rise, arguing U.S. intervention in Afghanistan was a failure fueled by lithium and opium conspiracies rather than security. They critique the military-industrial complex for exploiting narratives about women's rights while ordinary citizens bear no benefit from imperial wars. The discussion extends to NBA gold diggers like Brittany Renner receiving $200k monthly child support, digital colonialism versus forced military occupation, and political speculation that President Biden acts as a puppet for powerful interests. Ultimately, the episode suggests systemic exploitation drives both geopolitical conflicts and celebrity financial disputes. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Welcome To Flagrant Two00:15:04
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant 2.
It's your boy Schultze.
I'm here with Akash Singh.
I'm here at Mark Gagnon.
Alex Media is in Columbia.
So if you notice that the color is a little bit different or the sound is a little different, you know, he did absolutely nothing to maintain the quality of the show before he went on his little bachelor party.
Okay.
And I'll make sure to mention this once again later in the show, but I'm pretty sure the WTF Media Studios shows are running just fucking fine without him there.
So thank you so much, Alex Media.
We love you so much.
We wish that it was reciprocated.
We wish that you would do something to protect us and keep us safe while you were away.
And as we said before, the color in the room also changed.
The color in the room also changed.
It did get a little brighter.
I wasn't saying it like that.
Miles is behind the board, but maybe Miles is presenting the world in a way that he wants to see it.
Maybe Miles wants a little bit wider world.
I mean, you're a southern fucking kid, dude.
Like, you are from Florida.
Miles' being here is making you paler, bro.
Is it reflecting off of me?
It is.
Wow.
It really is.
Because I feel like a fish at the bottom of the ocean.
Like, I am translucent.
When I'm looking into the monitor behind your desk right there, I can see Biggie behind me.
I see right through me.
This is terrifying.
Yeah, you're Casper.
I am Casper, bro.
What's another ghost?
Motherfucking, that's the ghost, huh?
That is the ghost.
Poltergeist.
Poltergeist.
Doesn't matter.
The ghost from Mario, that dude that turns around.
He tries to get you every time you spin around, you know?
Mario.
And Mario.
I forget his name.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
From the video game?
Yeah, whenever you turn around, you're in the Don't.
Yeah, fuck, man.
All right.
The references are rough.
Guys, I just want to say thank you guys so much to everybody who came out for the first shows from the infamous tour.
Dallas and Houston were sold out.
It was absolutely amazing.
I mean, it's just like a dream to perform in venues like that.
I mean, I posted on Instagram, but like, you know, a long time ago, I said, I wrote down when I first started doing comedy that I wanted to perform these massive venues.
I wanted to have the best show in comedy.
And I said I was going to keep that shit in my pocket until we achieved that.
And I was able to throw that shit away this weekend.
So it was very exciting.
Set a new goal.
And I just want us to have the greatest show on earth.
So that's what we're working toward every single weekend.
If you want to get a little snippet of what it's like to come to these shows, this is not just a stand-up show.
This is some different shit, man.
You know, so just go check it out on Instagram.
You can see what's in store.
A lot of you guys have tickets.
You know, we're coming to Tucson this weekend, then LA this weekend.
So make sure you.
Andrew also asked me to come.
So stop commenting on his IG.
He's not leaving me out.
I was going to Croatia with my wife.
He asked me and I couldn't do it.
So that's that.
So yes, I did ask Akash to be part of this because motherfuckers were shaming me on Reddit.
It's cold how Scholz is leaving Akash out of this.
That was my post.
I posted it.
You did?
Okay, I got it.
But obviously I want all the boys.
Yeah, got you, dog.
Come on.
I'll see you back later.
That's Andrew's new career goal.
Have Akash come to a show.
He's a busy guy.
Right there.
I wanted Akash to be there.
I wanted everybody to experience this because, you know, this is rare in comedy that you get to have a tour like this.
This just doesn't happen.
There's a few people each generation that get to do these type of things.
And I wanted, obviously, you to be part of it.
But you chose a vacation, so now you're dead today.
So I'll see you on Tuesdays for the podcast and then obviously for Patreon and then nothing else.
Don't even text me.
I love it.
All right.
Enjoy fucking hyenas.
Okay.
Enjoy hyenas, Fresno, whatever.
Hold on, hold on.
We haven't locked in hyenas yet.
I got to get there.
Enjoy that shit.
You got to get there.
Go.
Go to those shows.
You're going to see some fucking Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.
Huh?
Dallas fire.
Huh?
You're gonna see some Dallas cows, bro.
You actually gotta do that.
At like the shittiest club you do, you gotta walk out with like the high school cheerleaders or something like that.
Yeah, if that wasn't a horrible look, I would do that.
No, you'll have to leave it open.
It will be like a we're comedians.
We jokey, jokey.
Okay.
But yeah, but for real, that was a pretty awesome fucking experience, man.
Like, I mean, it was just aspirational.
It was cool for me.
It is.
It is.
As corny as it sounds, manifest that shit, man.
Put it out there, bro.
Just put it the fuck out there.
It's just the craziest thing you could ever imagine.
Just say that you're going to do it because then your brain starts finding a way there.
You know, it's like the address.
It's like, you got to put that in your GPS in order to find a way there.
If you don't even put it in, there's no reason for you to go.
And a lot of people don't put it in because they don't want to fail.
But fuck that.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you fail, what was it?
My mom would always say, like, if you reach for the stars, you get to the moon.
Like, if you failed your way to the moon, bro, that's pretty lit.
Yeah, you died.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, if Elon Musk doesn't get to Mars, but they go to the moon and he's taking humans to the moon and we're taking trips to the moon, we're going to trash Elon for that?
Well, you got to go farther than the moon.
If you try to get to the moon, you fail, then you're just going to die.
That's what I'm saying.
He's going Mars.
You got to go Neptune.
Well, Mars.
Why Mars?
What is going on?
I'm going to say, if you go to Mars, like.
Don't make this home about the school education show.
The inner orbit of Mars is actually shorter than what it is.
I mean, it depends if you go to winter solstice, then it's actually the rotation.
You don't know enough about a solstice, right?
Get out of here.
So, the point is, thank you very much.
I'm just very grateful, and it was really cool.
Like, we were watching footage from Houston, bro.
And that fucking venue in Houston.
I mean, it really felt like there was like a WWE show.
Yeah.
The way it's set up.
Like, it was unfucking believable.
It was just massive.
And I remember watching the footage.
And we had these guys come through with the drones.
What are their names?
So I get them right.
They're just so fucking amazing.
Andrew Mendez is one of them.
Yes.
That guy did my wedding.
Andrew Mendez.
And he had his partner there as well.
My bad.
I will make sure I get this down.
I'll make sure to give you guys credit.
And we'll get your Instagrams and all that kind of stuff.
But they did the fucking drone show.
And, bro, I'm watching video of me on stage.
Yeah.
And I cannot relate to it.
Yeah.
I was there doing it.
Yeah.
And I'm watching it.
And I'm going, this is an out-of-body experience.
I do not know what I'm experiencing.
I was looking at pictures of it going, I did not, I cannot relate to what just happened.
Just the size of it.
It's so weird.
I mean, it was just fucking so much fun.
But we hope y'all had fun.
And, you know, yeah, we don't like giving away too much of it, but we were giving little snippets.
I think some people saw it.
So you're in store for some wild shit.
Theandrewschultz.com.
Go get those tickets.
We got a few cities that got some tickets left.
Go get them.
We'll be in them soon.
I think there's a few tickets left for San Diego Late Show, Detroit.
Maybe Milwaukee has a few left.
But like, go get them shits now because I'm telling you the DMs on a Friday afternoon when we got a show in Dallas, the DMs are going, yo, how do I get a ticket?
The other.
Just go get them.
Also, LA, this is important.
Anybody who I know a lot of people are traveling to the LA show, anybody who can't make the LA show for whatever reason, we are allowing resale for the LA shows on Ticketmaster.
So if you can't make the show, I know you want to show love and you want to support.
You're like, yo, I can't make it, but I'm just going to keep the tickets and blah, blah, blah.
There are so many people that want to buy tickets.
We're getting so many DMs.
Just fucking, you can put them up for resale or somebody else will go get them.
Okay.
And ideally, if it's Asshole Army, if it's the gang, you're not trying to screw them over.
You know what I mean?
Like, somebody wants to experience that show.
Let them experience that show, man.
Like, you don't have to try to fucking hit them over the head and profit off.
Yeah, you don't have to treat them like Jordans, even if they are like Jordans.
That's a fucking great way of saying it.
Anyway, um, but yeah, man, thank y'all so much.
Mark, did you have fun?
It was amazing, pretty cool.
That's what I'm saying.
It's aspirational.
Like, after doing that, and like where I'm at in comedy, like being so young in it, I was like, damn, like, I'm gonna quit.
Yeah, I already did it, bro.
I got a fucking ring in my rookie season.
I'm like, I'm good.
It's funny when I was pretty early on in comedy, not as early as you, but pretty early on, I did a tour that was like an organized tour that was part of like a guide code thing.
No, it wasn't even part of guide code.
They tried to do a guide code, but this was just like, um, I forget the company, but it was like comedians you don't know or something like that.
It wasn't branded around us, but they would go to these like no-name towns where there's nothing to do in the town except come out to do a show in a theater.
That's cool.
And I got to perform in fucking theaters in front of people.
And I just saw it.
I was like, wow.
So I got it early.
And that was super helpful.
Yeah.
Because I saw what could happen.
It's like the difference between growing up in a hood and like growing up in some like rich neighborhood.
Like you see what the goal is completely reorganized.
Like when I first started, I was like, man, if I could just be a tour in comic.
I'm like, if I could just get past this club, like I'd be happy.
And then you see that and you're like, oh, if I, if that's all I do is get past one club, I'll kill myself.
You, and listen, God bless the fucking clubs.
Like, they're so important for our growth and all that kind of stuff.
They've been so supportive of me and God bless them.
But they're you, if you want to do, if you want to reach the highest levels of this game, you have to prioritize.
And we can get caught up so much in like the local hierarchies and like the local validation, the local acceptance.
Like, oh, I just want to be able to do these shows.
I want to be at this club and I want to do the early show at this club or something like that.
But you have to, you have to understand what the main goals are.
Yeah.
You really have to keep that focus and understand this is for working out stuff.
And this is for getting to the point, getting my act to the point where motherfuckers come back.
Yeah.
I want to sell out comedy clubs because I know that's the stepping stone to get to theater.
Yes.
I'm so excited about Toronto and all this shit, but only because I know this will get me to the next level.
You know what gets you next level?
And I keep saying this, motherfuckers.
I keep saying this shit.
A great show is like, there's a lot of acts who like blow up and then they can sell out clubs, but they're not good enough to do it.
And they go there and they don't deliver a great show.
And they basically go out there and then the people don't come back.
And I'm telling you, the fucking most amazing feeling is when I get these DMs, like, bro, I've seen you seven times.
I see you every time you come to Houston.
I see you every time you come here.
I see you every time you come there.
And it's just like, that is the most validating thing for me because I've always thought I, you are getting babysitters.
You're getting Ubers.
You are spending hundreds of dollars.
You are reorganizing your life to leave your house.
I'm going to make, I need the show to be so good that you would experience crippling pain if you had to miss me next time I came there.
It has to be the best fucking night of your life.
You have to leave there going, I can't believe what I just saw.
I cannot believe.
Like you have to go back to your babysitter that overcharged you for X because the last one canceled.
And you have to be like, this idiot.
I got a bargain.
I got a bargain because she wasn't at this fucking show.
There were guys dealing with me like crazy things where I was like, yo, your priorities are kind of messed up.
Cause he was like, dude, like, I almost came.
Like, I had my tickets.
I had to sell them last minute, but I was almost there.
Like, my wife wanted to labor right when the show started.
Bro, go see your wife.
But there was somebody who said they had to leave 20 minutes before the show.
Yeah.
Like, because their wife wanted to labor.
It's like, your wife had a due date.
You know.
And that means maybe even the water broke earlier.
And it's like, nah, we're going to be breaking.
The doctor said the due date.
He's like, I'm busy that day.
Is there any other day we can do?
Babe, can you just hold your breath for a day or something?
How do babies?
Do a handstand, bitch.
You had a couple women that were like eight months pregnant.
Oh, pregnant girls in the audience.
I can't even imagine.
And you know that the husband was like, we're going.
Okay.
Or she might have been like, we're going.
Yo, it was.
You're not leaving me out just because I'm pregnant, which is the fucking, dude, I can't even imagine.
I had very, very one percent of what you're experiencing.
People in Baltimore go to the early show, the late show, and then say, Where's your next show?
And then flew to Florida to come watch me.
And then that was a very small level that we were talking about.
Where you're like, oh, I have to deliver a fucking show every time.
You have to feel I had to assume there's people doing that every time and try to make it as like.
And the bigger it gets, the bigger it's got to get.
You know what I mean?
You can't take that same energy into these different venues.
You got to fill that space.
You got to fill it with obviously your jokes, but it gets to a point where it's like, okay, you got the hour, the act, the kills.
What else can you add?
How can you change the game?
How can you be different?
How can you push it?
More pregnant women.
Yes.
Double it up.
Exactly.
Make them pregnant that night during the show.
Sit on this cryo gun.
I said this to you earlier, and this is something I want to brag on you for.
I remember on this podcast a couple years ago, you said you went to go after a comedy show that I think you didn't even enjoy.
You went to go see Metallica Live.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Buffalo.
Oh, Buffalo.
Okay.
You went to go see Metallica Live, and then you were like, I want to bring that to comedy where the whole show is a show.
It's not just, hey, here's a comic getting on stage.
I need to figure out how to make the whole show a show.
And when I saw the video of you coming out with Dallas Cowboys Cheek Leaders, I was like, the motherfucker did it, man.
Shout out to those cheerleaders, man.
That was fucking sick.
We had to.
We were in Dallas.
This is the greatness.
That's the greatest thing.
We got to do something, man.
Every city has just got to be fun.
We got to push it.
I mean, and just having like the team.
That's why I wanted you there because, like, the show, when you see it live, and those of you who have seen it live, you know, the team is there.
And it's actually very sweet that Andrew, like, I even saw one of your other group texts I'm in with some of your other homies.
You're like, man, y'all have to be there.
It's like, you want to do all this and work this hard so everybody around you can experience it.
And it's very like well-intentioned.
Even if you're going to yell at me for not being there, I get like it's so sweet that you're like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I know.
I made no money this week.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Man, just flying fucking private jets, flying 15 people around the goddamn country.
Yeah.
You know, it was, yeah, we're broke.
We're going to.
I mean, I did okay.
Yeah.
I'm still pretty happy with it.
I'm not complaining.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
We did fine.
But when you, that's another thing.
It's like, you know, comedy clubs are so fucking easy, bro.
We're spoiled.
You walk into that comedy club.
I literally show up to the show at a comedy club 10 minutes after the show starts.
That's when I arrive.
Wow.
I show up as late as possible.
When you're doing these theaters, it's like rehearsal, getting everything right, lights right, cues, sound thing, all these other.
It's a show, man.
And that's where we want to be.
And I don't want to be just greatest comedy show on earth.
I want to be greatest show on earth.
Show.
And I am excited at what we're doing and also how it's developing into this fucking beast.
And they're like, we're just getting cooking.
These dumb motherfuckers let us get this far.
These dumb motherfuckers.
I mean, how dare you, bro?
How dare you give me access to the people?
You fucking Bozos.
You know what I mean?
Like, the people got it.
Like, we're doing this shit.
Forget it.
It's over.
It's dope.
And it bears to our gosh.
He's kicking it down the line too, bringing his boys.
The Greatest Show On Earth00:15:14
Yeah.
That's the thing.
I lose money on my shows.
And I think about that.
I'm like, dude, as much as Andrew's done for me, I can't not pay that forward.
I'm flying my homies out and fucking here.
We'll figure out hotel shit.
Like, I'm going to lose money probably, but I got to pay that forward.
In all fairness, it's not like entourage.
Everyone who does come has 97 jobs.
Oh, yeah.
You got to.
Yeah.
Miles is like, yeah, Miles, come out.
Like, yeah, Miles.
Oh, did y'all think I don't make motherfuckers work?
I'm running a Uyghur death camp on my show.
Okay.
People are going to be grinded to the bone.
But it's going to be worth it.
New Korea.
We have fun.
Korea, baby.
It looks nice.
We'll sing a song in the green room once or twice.
Korea.
That's Kim John Undrew.
Real talk.
And by the way, guys, Akash is lying.
He's making money at his fucking shows.
Don't let him fool you.
You say you're losing money.
I can't be a part of the lie.
I'm teasing.
They might believe you.
See, a sold-out arena.
They're not really going to think I'm losing money.
You know what I mean?
That's fair.
I just got to make sure people know you're winning, bro.
Yeah, that's fair.
Appreciate you.
But yeah, anyway, it was just fucking awesome.
And thank you so much.
And I'm just so excited for this.
So we'll see you, LA.
Yeah, let's have some fun in L.A.
I don't want to give away too much, but let's have some fun.
You got to have some homeless people walk you out in L.A.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Staple of the city.
That would be the cheerleaders.
100%.
That's a great idea.
We got to think about what it is in L.A. Tucson.
We'll see y'all.
Let's get started, guys.
Let's get started.
What are we talking about?
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because I got to make sure your dick's hard, man.
I came back from tour and I had to see my shorty for five days.
Your boy had to pop that chew.
You know, I had to pop that chew, do what I do.
And just a general.
Just a general, bro.
Like Chris Paul.
Just a floor general.
I see everything.
You know what I mean?
Like, do have fun.
Do your thing.
Limitless.
Just literally limitless.
I was just chilling there.
Full mass, bro.
Like, it's over.
Like, there's nothing that can be done.
I was a fucking beast.
I was just a beast, bro.
You ever like hang shirts on it or something?
Yeah, dude.
100%.
100% I hang shirts on.
If you need to.
If I need to, but it was just great, man.
Guys, if you don't know what it is, same active ingredients inside C. Alice or Viagra.
But it's just better.
It's the chew, man.
It's the one we do.
It's the one we satisfy our girls with.
That's how you're going to satisfy your girl.
Your side chick, the new girl you want to be with.
And you're going to get it for free.
That's right.
We're going to hook it up.
You go to bluechew.com, use the promo code Flagrant.
You get it for free.
All you got to do is pay $5 shipping.
That's bluechew.com.
Use that promo code Flagrant.
Now, let's get back to the show.
We started out in Austin, Texas.
The most beautiful city in America, I think.
One of the most amazing cities.
Wonderful people.
I hate Austin, dude.
I'm so glad you're here now.
Because my whole life, I've always heard people shit on Texas by being like, well, Austin is great, but the rest of Texas.
What do you mean now?
I shit on Austin before anybody moved there.
I went there for my friend's bachelor party or something years ago.
And I always said it's clean New Orleans.
It sucks.
That's hilarious.
There's no culture.
Now it's not even clean.
So before there was like this, okay, it's a music scene and all this other stuff.
Now it's just a fucking dump.
Oh, right.
This is crazy.
We had, I mean, the day we got there.
Yeah.
Mark, the next, the next morning, Mark goes to work out because he's a CrossFit champion.
Hit CrossFit, lazy.
What were you guys doing?
Sleeping?
Sleeping.
Fucking nothing.
Okay.
Comes back.
Not everybody was sleeping.
What did you see?
So I came back and this girl is staring in the window.
And I assume she like her friend hooked up with someone, maybe Dove.
I don't know.
It was coming to pick her up, something.
And so I go up to her.
She's like, oh, hey, what's hi?
And I was like, yeah, can I go inside?
She was like, well, there's a naked homeless guy with a knife inside.
I was like, wow, what?
Okay.
So she's peering in the window.
And as I walk up to look in the window, I was like, I'll take this guy.
He's naked, whatever.
And then I look in and as I'm about to look in, she goes, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.
And runs into the street.
Doesn't look either way, just runs directly through like the fucking parallel lines on the road and then just runs across the street.
I run with her too because if someone's running, I'm just going to go ahead.
You know what I mean?
Not that I was scared.
And then I call, I'm trying to do the mental math of like, okay, who do I call on the inside to tell them to like lock the door?
So I was like, should I call Andrew?
No, he's not going to wake up.
Do I call Alex?
He's not going to care.
So I try to find the level of like they could fight him, but they also care enough to get up.
So I was going to call Dove.
He would care, but he wasn't going to fight him.
So I was like, okay, I'm going to call Vala.
That's like the perfect.
That's a perfect crap.
Right?
So Vala wakes up and he's like looking out the fucking door and he's like, okay, I see him.
I see him.
Dude, Vala's been doing like air calf kicks for the last three months.
He really is ready for a fight.
Cut off his shirt.
Perfect.
Yeah.
He's ready to go.
He dresses like Cobra Kai.
Yes.
And he's got guns to back it up.
I'm not going to touch you.
Oh, no.
Valor looks like he can fucking go.
Yeah.
He could get out of here.
He popped down today.
He's fucking celebrating, bro.
You got your country back, Vala.
You got your country back.
You got Americana there.
Okay.
But no, he pops out.
He's got the fucking headband on.
He's ready to party.
And he's looking, and there's a fucking homeless guy in the middle of the lobby.
First of all, we don't know if he's homeless.
We don't know what the fuck is the deal.
He's wearing a string thong to the point where he looks like he's not.
He looks like completely butt-naked, shredded, right?
Like white dude, completely shredded, clearly methed out.
Great body.
Great body.
Yeah, like unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
And he is just bouncing around, right?
Yeah, literally just throwing shit in the lobby, like just clearing off the fucking table, just going crazy.
And I like talk to Vala.
He ends up jumping over the wall and like running into a bush, just kind of just like hiding in the bush.
And so I call Vala.
I'm like, okay, can I come upstairs?
And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so as I'm walking through the lobby, all of a sudden he's on the phone and goes, oh, Mark, run, So I run the other direction and I run back out the door.
And then the woman's still standing across the street.
And I'm like, I'm going to go in.
And I run straight back out like a fucking American troop.
And then he's like, the woman's like, is everything okay?
And I'm like, yeah, my friend told me he was coming.
And then I see Vala standing over the fucking balcony, just dying, laughing.
And he's like, nah, he's over in the bush.
You can come up.
So we come up.
And then the funniest part is Vala and Jamil standing out on the balcony.
Oh, no.
This is crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
No, you got it.
So Vala's literally like, all right, what do we do?
Like, okay, I'll keep an eye on him.
Like, Jamil, go get your phone and just call 911.
And Jamil called the cop.
And Jamil goes, Jamil goes, I ain't calling cops.
The guy literally has a knife, like fucking chopping down leaves like Zelda, dude.
With a knife and a thong.
Okay.
He's a knife and thong.
He's all meth.
And Jamil's 100% confident when the cops come, they're going to think Jamil is the reason why the cops were called.
You should take his clothes.
Why the fuck do you take that white guy's clothes?
Where's your G-string, sir?
She's like, what?
So Vala calls the cops.
The cops are so fucking goofy because y'all's like, oh, yeah, there's like a naked homeless guy with a knife.
And they're like, is he fully naked?
And I'm like, oh, they've dealt with this before.
Yeah.
Bro, he stole a Maserati.
Oh, yeah.
Earlier that day.
This is awesome.
This is awesome.
I kind of respect this guy now.
Go ahead.
The bad motherfucker.
Okay.
Steals a lot.
The white guy that you're imagining right now in your head is him.
Yeah.
The white meth head that you're imagining, shredded, tall, lanky.
That is, it looks exactly like him.
Yeah.
Steals a Maserati.
I guess parks it somewhere.
We didn't see the fucking Maserati.
Comes harasses the people at the apartment that we were staying at.
And they arrest him, take him away, right?
Yeah.
We go work out.
We eat.
We're about to go leave to do something that night.
What were we going to do?
I think the brooder's going out.
We're just going out.
Yeah, we're going to eat or something.
We go to eat.
We see a guy knocking on the front door.
And what's he wearing?
Wearing just hospital pants.
And what's peeking out underneath the hospital pants?
A string thong.
This is six hours later after stealing a Maserati.
Yeah.
Okay.
Walking around an apartment complex with a knife.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right?
Slapping his wrist, doing crazy meth shit.
They arrested the guy, let him go back to the fucking scene of the crime.
Yeah.
What's on his chest?
Dude, wait, what is this?
He literally has the fucking like heart monitor tab.
Oh, yeah.
He's still got the tassels on.
Like he's in Kouka.
Like he fucking ripped that shit off like Avatar.
It was amazing.
Like he was filming something from GTA.
Like they're like, just go out there.
We'll throw the hard monitor things on the meth heads in Austin and we'll figure out all the GTA characters.
It was unbelievable.
It couldn't even see it.
And the guy goes, I think I left something in there.
We're like, what the fuck did you leave in there?
And he was trying to get back in.
And I was wondering if they knew that we were there.
This is how paranoid fucking Andrew is.
I mean, I just did fucking Rogan.
I'm talking about conspiracy theories for three hours.
I'm like, they know we're here.
Andrew pulls out the side.
He's like, yo, you think they want our shit?
They know we're here.
They know we got some equipment.
They're trying to get it.
They geotag some shit.
One of these fucking idiots probably said that they're at this specific location trying to flex Alex.
You know, Alex on the rooftop trying to make it look more baller.
Just attracting all the meth heads.
Maybe he works for a fucking master crime syndicate.
That's why they're having him steal the Maserati.
Now they want film equipment.
Maybe they're trying to start a podcast.
Yeah, they must be trying to start a podcast.
All I'm saying is, but what town, like, you know, I'm not trying to like fucking trash Austin right here, but the trash Austin.
I mean, it's just a great city, you know, where no one lives inside.
I don't think a single person has an apartment.
No.
Did we meet anybody that lived in an apartment?
I know Joe has a house.
Yeah.
I know Tim Dylan has a house.
Yeah.
I think that's it.
Everyone else has tents.
Yes.
Everyone else has house.
Jamie said he's just been walking around.
I was like, Jamie, where do you live?
He goes, I haven't figured it out yet.
I just walk around with a G-string and a knife.
It was shitty.
It was a 24-hour Walmart.
You can just kind of hang out in it and just kind of walk around.
It was unbelievable, dude.
It was fucking unbelievable.
So, you know what Austin is to me?
It is San Francisco just today.
Whatever San Fran was 10 years ago, like this little jewel in California that was liberal and whatever, but then a bunch of tech douchebags infiltrated it.
That's all Austin is doing.
It's just doing exactly what it is.
You should be so grateful that those tech people came.
Austin?
Yeah.
Texas.
Austin.
Wait, why?
Tidy it up.
I don't know if they're in the city.
But they didn't tidy up San Fran.
Tech dudes don't live in San Fran.
Have you been to where tech people live?
San Jose?
It's tidy.
San Jose is immaculate.
Palo Alto.
Palo Alto, immaculate.
The people, San Francisco is the dump.
Yeah.
But do they, do they?
Do the tech dudes live in Austin or do they live on the periphery?
I would assume in Lake Black.
Lake Sabin, all those places down there.
Yeah.
They all live over there.
But I'm saying bring as many of them as possible so you could tidy it up.
Make it San Jose.
Make it Palo Alto.
Do that.
You don't want that shit looking like the mission.
I think Lake Austin's going to be Palo Alto.
Good.
Austin's going to be San Jose.
That's what I think we're saying is the same thing.
The outskirts are going to be really nice.
And then the city is going to be.
And then people out of the suburbs into the city.
No, it's just going to, the city will fall apart, but all the rich people, they'll come, but they'll just live on the periphery.
Why?
Kind of like they do.
I don't understand this.
I don't understand this.
Why can't it just be tidy?
Like, it was the first time I've ever been to a city and I was like, get rid of these bird scooters.
It's trash.
They're trash everywhere.
You walk in the street, you're stepping over fucking bird scooters.
It's convenient when you need to go somewhere, but it's garbage.
It's too liberal, dog.
Liberal cities are always dirty.
Why can't they do what the city bike is and just have like a lane of them and parking spots?
I don't know, but the city bike does look better.
I'll say this.
I'll say this.
The city bike is annoying that you have to dock it somewhere.
Everybody at home, the city bike is just one of these bikes that you have them all over Europe, but basically you have to dock, you have to leave in a specific location.
Specific stations where you can dock city bikes.
And there's a select number of them.
And it's tidy.
You can't leave it anywhere or you get charged.
What is this rule?
You just take the fucking scooter, you leave it wherever you want.
It's crazy.
Just take a picture so you make sure it's where?
In the middle of the street?
Yeah, it's crazy.
It's unbelievable.
It's not unbelievable.
Yeah.
Like, don't you want your city to be aesthetically pleasing a little bit?
And these companies lose money on them.
They make money off your data.
Because people will just, they did this in Dallas.
They'll just leave the bike in a fucking river.
They don't care.
But the city's like, fine.
We have all these bikes we don't need.
It all gets wasted.
We throw them all out, but we just get your dad, and that's how we make money.
But it's on the city to say, yo, we can't have this and dock that shit somewhere.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what do they do with the homeless then?
Say again?
What do we do with the homeless in Austin?
Have them dock the city bikes outside of the city.
Ah, that could work.
They could do that.
I think there's also, like, what did they do to the homeless in San Diego or something like that?
Put them underground.
Fly them?
Put them underground, I think.
They put them underground?
Yeah.
You could put them underground.
That's not terrible, right?
No.
I think that you could ship them places.
Trains.
They love trains.
Trains.
They're into the trains.
This is, I mean, it sounds fucked up, but we're saying.
Cruise ship.
Say what?
A cruise ship.
Cruise ship.
That's good.
Like a demolition man.
I like this.
I haven't seen that, but that sounds cool.
Dude, I mean, I don't know what the fuck it is, but it's like, what if you can prove that you're not from Austin?
Like, if you move to a city to be homeless, you should be able to move them out.
No, you can't just move people out for being homeless, dog.
Homelessness isn't a cruise.
You can move there to be homeless.
Oh, yeah.
Right?
Like, there are certain people that there are certain homeless people that are targeting certain cities because it's way better to be homeless there.
Yeah, yeah.
You ain't going to move here and be homeless.
No.
You'll be homeless where your home was.
Okay.
But you got no home then.
Where it was.
Okay?
Like, you had a home.
Let's say you were born in fucking Cincinnati.
You're not going to just move to Seattle to be homeless.
Why not?
Why are you going to suckle out the tea to the people of Seattle?
There are people working hard right there so they could feed their homeless people, not yours.
You know what I mean?
But Cincinnati doesn't feed their homeless people.
Say again?
Cincinnati doesn't feed their homeless people.
So where are they going to go?
How do you know that?
Because that's why they left.
No, they left because they don't want to be in Cincinnati.
You don't want to be in Cincinnati.
This is a shitty Cincinnati.
Get a job.
Even the homeless people are like, fuck this shit.
Well, I mean, if you are going to be a homeless, you might as well go to a warm place.
I'm just trying to say, I'm trying to find a way to correlate this between like American intervention in Afghanistan.
You can't just go somewhere where you're not from and then take advantage of the natural resources there and then be upset when you leave 20 years later.
Okay?
You have to respect those people and their culture and their way of life.
You can't go mucking it up.
Make a homeless embassy under a bridge.
That'd be fucked up.
No, but there is something to that.
I wonder if that's like ethically wrong.
I'm just kind of trying to figure out this out right now.
Like if you're moving to a city because the city is trying to be as kind as it can be and helping help as much as it can the homeless population, you're going to attract more homeless people.
Respect Culture And Way Of Life00:07:12
Right?
Just like if the city's trying to handle like an opioid epidemic or something like that by giving out fresh needles or even like creating some sort of a program where like it allows you to get, I don't know, not a heroin, but the synthetic version of that, right?
Methadone or whatever.
Methadone, right?
Like you're going to all of a sudden start attracting all the heroin addicts from your state.
So you're trying to do this good thing to help these people who are really suffering.
But in essence, you're creating like a much bigger problem.
So what do you do as a fucking city?
Do you just ignore the homeless situation and not try to help it or not try to make it more comfortable for those people because you know it will just grow because of that?
Or do you say, yo, we're going to see where you're from.
And if you look at, we look at your ID and it looks like you've never worked here, never lived here, whatever, then we're going to have you ship back to whatever city your ID says.
Right.
I mean, yeah, most of these people don't have IDs, though.
So a lot of them don't have ideas.
They got cell phones now, Mark.
Stop.
I see these homeless people charging their shit up all the time in New York.
Have you seen this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
iPads, cell phones, calling their mom, yo, can you send some more money?
I've seen phones and never iPads.
Son, I saw iPad.
Motherfucker was watching cartoons.
That might have been Miles.
Say what?
That might have been Miles.
It was Miles.
I saw Miles Charter.
I saw Miles Charter.
I don't even own an iPad.
You're worse than homeless.
That sucks to be.
But isn't that fucking, it is weird, right?
There's something there.
There's something there, but remember, you also fled New York and you had a home for Miami in the winter.
So I paid.
Yeah, he came with money.
Now, it's certain cities are like, you know, the way other, like, immigrants look at America?
Probably homeless people look at like a refugee city.
It's America for homeless.
Yes.
Yo, I'm being persecuted in my homeland, so I got to go someplace where it's safe for me.
Yes.
They'll offer me asylum.
And if any of those fucking Europeans judge me for what I just said, keep that in mind.
Okay.
Just keep that in mind when those Sudanese people are on a boat and you kick that shit back into the Mediterranean.
Right?
Like, there are a lot of people who are not allowing it to happen.
You know, come in, right?
Yeah.
I mean, I know we're all Americans and yada, yada, yada, but are you American if you don't pay taxes?
Are you even?
Are you an American?
Uncle Sam wants you to pay some fucking taxes.
Uncle Sam wants that.
Uncle Sam wants his pound of flesh.
Jeff Bezos not American.
I don't consider him American.
No.
He's an alien.
Go where your people are.
Go where your people are.
That's what Jeff Bezos did.
Go.
He wouldn't go a place where he pays no taxes.
We're just based on that.
Fucking shit.
Can't tax me on the moon, bitch.
An alien, dude.
He's an alien.
He's a sellout, but he didn't even touch down in his home.
He just went and waved.
Can I be honest with you?
Please.
I think the more taxes you pay, the more you should be able to dictate culture.
I really do believe that.
Like, if you're out here in some little tax break and complaining about stuff, like, nah, like, I should be able to go onto the subway first.
I should be able to get the first Uber.
Like, I don't need, I don't want to wait 13 minutes for my Uber.
If I'm paying attention.
Uber's private.
Uber's private.
Well, that already happens.
If you got the money, you're just going to buy the fucking Uber that comes sooner.
XL, black, private, whatever the fuck.
Lux.
But Uber's private.
You're talking about state resources.
No, I'm talking about private too.
I'm talking about private too.
Somebody's footing the bill for this shit.
Do you know what I mean?
Somebody's footing the bill.
Why do you care when you get on the subway?
You don't ride the subway.
If I did want to.
We did that this weekend.
If I did want to.
If it was a nicer car, maybe he would.
Exactly.
If we had a first-class car, velvet seats.
If we had a first-class car on the subway?
That would be fucking fit.
That's it.
You know what I mean?
Don't worry.
I'm a man of the people, but I just like the people in a different car.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, you're a man of the partition to people.
I am the man of the part.
Listen, separate but equal.
Like, has that ever not worked out?
Like, has that ever been a bad idea?
That seems like a great idea.
The theory seems good.
Yeah, people always talk about classism.
We're just slowly recreating.
We need more classism.
That's my idea.
Yeah, like, listen, why do we do that?
Why don't we just have cast?
What's wrong with that?
People can exist.
That'll work.
We just recreate every horrible idea in history and just justify.
Yeah.
I'm just saying.
I could see why people sat around in a group and they thought these things might work out.
Oh, dude.
Communism sounds so great in theory.
No, it doesn't.
Explain.
Work all this hard to be equal to these motherfuckers.
What y'all fucking talking about?
You're going to work all this goddamn time and motherfucker.
Come on, bro.
You're going to work all this goddamn time.
Some substitute teacher is driving the same car as you.
You crazy?
You crazy?
Yeah, that should be mad annoying trying to flex.
How are you flexing?
Yeah, I was in Capri this summer and the fucking garbage man is like, oh, yeah, Sam.
I did that.
That was the thing when you said rich people should dictate culture.
I was like, that can't work because rich culture is all about exclusion.
Rich culture is built on, I need to exclude everybody that's not rich.
Yeah, but you know what it is?
It's like, I need to exclude everybody that's not rich, but I need you poor motherfuckers to know how I got it and tell me how nice I am.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
It's like, you know, it's like these rich, rich motherfuckers, they're going, I'm competing with these other rich guys, but you really want the people who are middle class and poor to pat you on the back.
Yeah, if everyone's rich, no one's rich.
Like culturally, like you always say this with like class and manners.
Yeah.
But like, that's all that is.
It's just like, I'm going to develop ways to eat things to make you feel poor about yourself.
I don't know how I grew up with no manners, no class, nothing.
Like, I don't know how to eat rice, right?
Like, apparently, when you eat rice with a fork, you turn the fork over and push the rice on the top part of the fork.
It's like, who invented that?
That's idiotic.
Some English dude invented it to make you feel like an idiot when he invites you to dinner.
Yeah, the rule I heard that really proved this to me was: you're not supposed to make a toast with a glass of water.
Like if you're just drinking water, you don't raise your glass for a toast.
Yeah.
Unless you're on a boat.
That's the one I was like, what the fuck?
But it's so a bunch of rich people on a boat can be like, oh, look at this guy trying to act like he's us, but he's not.
This guy starts to make the toast and then they go, oh, he tried to toast water.
Yeah.
Even if he's raising your glass as a part of the toast, everybody can be like, look at this fucking idiot.
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
But we do have that inside us.
And I think that's why communism doesn't work.
Like, obviously, we're joking around stuff, but like we all do have this little hierarchy thing inside us and it makes us feel better.
Like, dude, it's just so weird.
It's like, would you rather be, here's a question.
Would you rather be the brokest person in a rich neighborhood or the richest person in a broke neighborhood?
Oh, fuck, dude.
Kids changes the equation.
Remove kids.
Remove kids.
I'm staying in the rich neighborhood.
I think I want to be the brokest person in the rich neighborhood because I like being around people who make me want to aspire for more.
But for my peace of mind, richest person in a broke neighborhood would feel pretty good.
Yeah, until you get robbed, that shit is lit.
Until you get robbed, and then you're like, why the fuck am I around these motherfuckers?
But before that, you're constantly faced with a situation of gratitude.
You're like, wow, like, look at this.
I got this.
Yes.
Whereas if you're the poorest person in the rich neighborhood, you're constantly faced with, damn, everybody got way more than me.
I'm not successful enough.
I'm not making enough money.
I'm not doing enough things.
I'm not driving the cool cars, et cetera.
And it can weigh on you emotionally.
It can weigh on you, but it can also be.
There's a reason I'm one of my, I mean, not the only reason, but my best friend in the business is the hardest working human being in the business.
And that's for me to always say, oh, I can always, I'm lazy compared to this.
Yeah, would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team?
Gratitude In Rich Neighborhoods00:02:28
Like if you're playing basketball?
It depends.
Best team.
It depends.
If I'm playing to be a professional, right?
Like I want to be a professional basketball player.
I want to be, I don't want to be so bad where I don't get playing time.
Like I want to be able to work on my game.
And like, sometimes there's such a discrepancy, you don't even learn anything.
Like if I go play soccer with you guys, right?
Like, what am I even going to learn?
My cardio maybe gets better.
So I need to play with guys with my skill level.
But if I'm 40 years old, if I'm, or if I'm Adam Sandler, I'm not trying to hoop with the nicest ballers in the street.
I want to play with a bunch of guys who are 40, 50 years old, have some fun and enjoy myself.
You know, like, so I think it depends what it is.
With your career, you want to be able to push yourself, drive, grind, get to the top.
But with your life, which I view is separate than career, like I don't want to go through my career going, oh, there's all these people ahead of me.
I need to aspire to be better than them.
And then go to my home life and go, look at all these people better than me.
I need to aspire.
I need a little bit of a vacation for that.
You know?
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Get Twenty Percent Off Native00:03:41
Now let's get back to the show.
I mean, I'll be honest, like, the Miami spot that we're in, I thought was really great in a lot of ways because it was like, we weren't in the best neighborhood, but it was probably the best house in the neighborhood.
And I think there was something nice about it.
Like, every day I felt like really grateful.
I wasn't like looking around at other homes and feeling like envious or jealous or that.
And access to New York will kill you in that sense because you are always around a richer human being.
Trying to keep up with rich people in New York, you got to give it up.
Do what works for you because you're never the richest person.
Yeah.
There's a what is it called? A relative poverty index.
And it's like, that's how you can decide how much crime will be in a certain area.
There's not crime in areas where everybody's poor because they're normal.
That is what you are.
You're not even poor.
You just are.
There's poverty.
There's crime in places where there's poor people living near rich people because they're like, why the fuck he got all that?
Yeah.
Right.
And I think that that fucking.
Oh, that creates that thing that's like, fuck this guy.
I'm kind of stuff.
That is something a little bit nice.
To go back to why communism works on paper is the reason why communism is around so you don't have a discrepancy in the high school.
You take away relative poverty.
And you take away relative poverty.
On the surface area, it makes sense.
But on the surface area, on the surface, it makes sense.
But if you dig down to like what our human instincts are, it just doesn't work, man.
Because even within those systems, even amongst those people, like poor people in that area, they're still going to divide themselves based on hierarchies that they create.
So it could be forever.
Who cares?
Who knows what it is?
Like bocce ball could be the thing, right?
That they super value.
And then the nicest guy at Boccevall is going to have value within that community.
We're always going to divide this into getting laid or doing whatever it is.
There's always going to be ways where we could find a way to feel good about ourselves.
And unfortunately, for a lot of people, feeling good about themselves is feeling better than other people.
There's also always going to be a ruling class.
Like there's political elite that are making decisions.
Even within the Communist Party.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is where religion is a beautiful opiate.
Real or not, I'm a guy who believes strongly in God.
But if my self-worth and happiness isn't based on feeling superior, that takes away so much of that.
If I just, I have a beautiful relationship with God, so I'm happy.
I don't need to be better than you.
I just love God and that's it.
I don't need to rob you at that point.
I don't need any of that.
I have that peace.
Yeah, there's something that is more important than wealth that I can equally attain.
And matter of fact, I might be able to attain it easier than that rich guy because that rich guy might have to do some morally bankrupt things in order to get rich.
And you will never be rich enough.
I can be close enough to God to feel fulfilled.
Even if you're rich, there's somebody richer and then you went from feeling superior now relative poverty.
I ain't shit.
But I wonder if it requires your community to buy in.
If you're the only rich person, sorry, if you're the only religious person around a bunch of people who don't care about it.
That might be the best of both worlds.
Because then you might also feel superior to them morally and like spiritually.
And you're like, you guys just don't know.
It's either the best or the worst.
But some people don't have that type of conviction, right?
Some people need others to also buy into it and believe.
Then they're like, okay, cool.
I have value within this system right here.
If you're the only one, man, you need to be.
That's impressive.
Yes, that real talk.
That's like, wow.
I mean, that's like next level.
I could see why somebody at that time might be going, man, this Jesus guy's a fucking sociopath.
Conviction Without Believers00:15:02
Right?
Like, I could see why Jesus had to do some real dope tricks to get people to believe.
Because just saying.
You can say miracles.
You know what I mean?
Say what?
You could say miracles.
Or illusions.
You could say illusions.
Illusions.
He was mind-free, bro.
He was Chris Angel.
Bro, is that why you did magic as a kid?
Yes.
Oh, Chris Angel.
I was like, yo, how can I walk on water?
Like, yo, I'm going to turn water to wine.
And then it turned into card tricks.
Oh, you did magic?
Yeah.
I love magic, bro.
You can't.
I'm a magician.
I'm a showman.
I don't know if you guys know this about me.
I'm a real magician.
That is hilarious, though, that you love magic and Christ.
It's a very funny mix.
But Chris Angel, certain types of magic, not Harry Potter magic.
That wasn't last.
That's black magic, man.
No, you just do tricks.
Yeah.
Dude, I remember I bought these like magic videos back in the day that taught you how to do all these tricks.
But the only reason I did it, I was like, all right, how do I just fucking talk to a girl?
Oh, this is it.
I'll just guess a fucking, but this is way before Pitter Bar shit.
I was like young, And who were you trying to pick up, bro?
No, I just want to talk to girls.
And I was like, I don't know.
What do I do?
I just walk and say, how was your day?
Like, what do you mean, how was your day?
You did homework.
Yeah, that's not going to work.
I got to be like, pick a card.
Yeah.
That works.
And the crazy.
The kid that does magic just wants pussy.
It's really funny.
Yeah, exactly.
I can't believe that you're joking around about this.
Like, you didn't do it for the exact same reason.
I wanted parental attention.
I used to be a party.
So you did magic?
Duh.
Play a sport, you do it.
I'm so Indian.
I was like, I'm so Indian.
I was like, make eggs.
You want parents to love?
Make eggs.
I did that too.
That didn't work, bro.
Magic?
Come on.
Yeah.
No way.
Yo, magic is just an instant validator for older people.
So you're eight years old and you're like, yo, I can do a trick that actually can fool my brothers.
Never cared to do it for adults when I was a kid.
You were the only one.
Never once.
That makes sense.
If you're the youngest, you want your older brother, your siblings validation so badly.
They never let you hang out.
They never let you hang out ever when they're older, when all their friends are around.
And then you can throw a deck of cards and the card shows up on the other side of the window and they go, all right, let Mark do his trick.
It's actually kind of cool.
And then you get to kick it and you put it on a show and they're all enjoying it.
And you're like, oh, I get to hang with the older kids.
I would just curse.
Yeah.
I would just curse.
Like, I'd be like nine years old and there'd be adults around.
Not adults, like, but like friends, older brothers.
And I'd be like, yeah, you guys are going to go fuck tonight.
And then, this kid's crazy, bro.
Say some more curse words, even though you're young.
It's so much easier than magic.
You were just super bad.
You were super bad.
I was super bad.
I literally was super bad.
And it works so well.
They're like, bring you over.
They're like, say some crazy shit.
I'm like, yeah, you guys can go fingers and girls.
I just said them all.
Do the thing.
And it really worked.
It was great.
Did they go fingers and girls?
Yeah, definitely.
They taught me how to do it on dough.
We made pizza dough.
Who's dough?
We made pizza dough.
We were working at Jane Dough.
No, Jane dough.
Jane dough.
Exactly.
She will remain nameless.
We work at this pizza place, and then I remember my friend Amanda Goodman's older brother, Andrew Goodman.
Shout out to Goody.
We would make the dough together.
He was managing the pizza place.
I was just delivering pizzas.
And we would make the dough.
They're this massive mounted dough.
And then he would make pussies out of the dough, right?
Like, and he would fold the dough into pussy lips.
And then he would teach me how to finger curls.
And I cannot tell you how bad he was at favor.
Like, it was unbelievable.
Literally, if you walked in that store, just push on.
Just fucking jamming away at the dough, right?
And then, I mean, it was unbelievable, dude.
Like, he had a young pupil in front of him who had no clue at a finger girl.
I probably didn't even even smell the pussy at that point in my life.
So I was absorbing everything that he said.
And he's just jackhammering dough pussies every single day at this pizza shop.
And I'm like, that's how I'm going to finger a girl.
I can't fucking wait.
And I remember the first time I fingered a girl, I um I did.
Not only did I do that, uh, the girl said, put as much fingers in me as you can, or something crazy like that.
Yeah, she literally goes, she goes, put as many fingers in me as I can.
And I was so ready because I've been fingering dough pussies all summer, right?
Like, I was ready.
Like, this girl didn't even know what's going on.
Was she confused when you started putting marinara on it?
Yeah, she did.
I quite love that.
She was like, why don't you do that part?
You're like, I don't know.
That's what Andrew Cuomo taught me.
I saw cheese and dough.
Was it Andrew Cuomo?
I taught you this.
He's like, all right, buddy.
So if you want to get a young intern, all right, you get the dough, you start fingering dough, okay?
Get some mozzarella.
So I literally had, I literally, I'm like fingering her.
I like put one finger in.
I put two fingers in.
She's like, put as many fingers in me as you can.
I only have 10.
More, right?
So I put like three, and then she goes, put as many fingers as you can, right?
So I'm screwing.
I know.
And she was a loose little girl, right?
And I'm at four, right?
I'm at four.
And I'm like, I don't know how to put more fingers in, right?
So I literally just created a peacock beak like this.
Or not a peacock, what are they?
An ostrich?
An ostrich?
And I just started like pecking away at her like that.
So I just pushed like that, like a comb, but like reverse style.
And night of her life, dude.
Night of her fucking life.
Shout out to Andrew Goodman.
Teaching me how to finger.
But we never got to five fingers, so I didn't know what to do.
I was down with one, two, three, four.
Yeah.
Oh, you didn't get the black belt, though?
I didn't get the black belt.
So that's why I went this way.
I probably would have slipped another one in that way or something.
But yeah, man, this poor girl walking around with a bucket when she was young, dude.
I think we were like 16 years old or something like that.
That's crazy.
Deep dish?
Deep dish.
Maybe my fingers were a little skinnier back then or something.
Four still seems like a lot, yo.
Yeah, it was crazy.
Just pecking away.
Dude, it was so funny.
I probably saw the story before, but I had a friend.
Like, he was, I was going to hook up with the girl and he was like, dude, I don't know why he said this.
Like, what a fucking weirdo.
And he goes, he goes, dude, just, he was like trying to make sure I was safe.
He's like, dude, just don't, don't have sex with her, bro.
And like, he was like, looking out for me.
That's good advice.
So I go like this.
I go, I go, all right, bro.
I'm going to give you this condom to make sure that I don't have sex.
That's like driving drugs.
Like, no, hold my keys.
Hold my keys, bro.
I mean, I'm driving home.
I'm just fucking a rock.
Yeah, just like that, bro.
If you also know how to hot water, it's also push and start.
Sorry, buddy.
And there's a fob in there already.
Whoops.
It's actually just really convenient now.
I don't got to think about my keys.
Cars unlocked.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, this pizza shop.
Every time you tell me a story about it, I'm realizing this place is a fucking nightmare.
It was a nightmare.
I would never let my kids work at a pizza shop because this is why Italians are touching.
I was getting molested.
I was getting fucked Cuomo, dude.
That's what I'm saying.
It's an occult.
It's Italian.
It's Italian.
And she was Italian.
Yeah.
The girl that would do it.
My friend's sister.
I wasn't really getting molested, but she would sit on my lap until I got boners.
What's up with you and Friend's Sisters, bro?
Why?
What else happened with Friends Sisters?
Oh, yeah.
I took Dove's Sister to prom, but nothing happened there.
Nothing happened there.
At all.
That he knows about.
Nothing happened there that you know about.
That is true.
You don't know about it.
I don't know.
But something did happen.
Oh, shut your mouth.
No, I'm being revelations.
I'm just telling you, something did happen.
Wow.
You guys went to prom.
We went to prom.
And you know what happens on prom night?
Yeah.
She got a ride in the limo, buddy.
Oh, yeah, she did.
All the only story that we've been talking for years is this guy went around room to room at the uh at the prom hotel stealing uh candy from the feed why do you think this is one this is why see you project on the beverly hills hospital Snicker.
Can I tell you something, bro?
This guy is so addicted to sugar.
Stop.
He lies.
Stop.
He lies.
He lied.
Like, I'm your friend.
I've never lied.
I remember I caught him once because my keys didn't work at the hotel, right?
It's late night after the shows.
My keys didn't work in my room, so I got to go back down to the fucking bottom, right?
I go back down to the bottom.
The elevator door is open.
Who do I see?
Marketing on.
And what about what was I doing?
Marketing.
I'm like, Margagnon, why are you also downstairs with a fucking plastic bag full of shit?
And then he goes, oh, yeah, I just had to call my girl man.
I'll see you later.
Good.
I was getting prostitutes.
Yes, you were.
That's what I was doing.
I was not having sweets.
Yes, you were.
I was getting prostitutes.
Yes, you were.
And doing drugs.
Sneaks out at night to get sweets.
I was doing drugs.
I was doing illegal drugs, not sweets.
Unbelievable, right?
Yeah, for what?
Yo, you already crossed it.
Eat the worst.
Who cares?
Yeah.
You're 27 or whatever.
Who gives a fuck?
Yeah, you're 33, dude.
You're old, bro.
Bro, you're 33 years old, dude.
Just eat however you want, bro.
Yeah.
Dude, honestly.
But you project.
That's what it is.
Because I didn't know about your little sugar feeding.
That you go to the hotel and you just start robbing people's mini bars.
Well, it wasn't feeding, but if I wasn't getting no pussy, I wasn't going to get Snickers.
You went to someone else's room.
You went to where someone else lives and feasted off their natural resources.
You feasted off their resources and you just occupied their room.
You're in the room, feasting off six.
And then you gotta eat something.
I think he's trying to come back at we're doing Afghanistan again.
We're doing Afghanistan.
Afghanistan as well.
But Mark likes treats so much.
One time I was in the studio and I had tums and I'm opening them and his headphones on.
Fucking he's typing away and then he looks up and he goes, Hey, what do you got there?
I had a stomachache.
I had a really bad stomachache.
No, you like troops.
You treat me like a dog.
You heard the treats.
Yeah, I had a whole thing at Eminem.
So I said, you eat a tum?
Oh, I did.
Okay.
Like, what is that?
Hey, man.
Yeah.
He's an animal.
I just wanted to know.
You ran up the Dallas mini bar, Bill.
No.
No.
Me?
Mini Bark Mark.
Who's paying for the mini bars?
That's not on my car.
What?
You can't trust these animals.
Dove, I told you.
They each put their card down for the rooms.
Yes.
You cannot trust them.
They have no respect.
He's every hotel we go to, and they're always like, so you wanted on a different car?
Yes.
And he's like, yeah.
They're like, normally we don't do this.
We do it now.
We do it now.
There's no respect.
No, Vala's got so much respect.
He doesn't even sleep in the room.
It's really nice of him.
Oh, yeah.
Super nice.
Yeah, Val and Dove are going at it this weekend, bro.
I mean, Dove was pulling some shit, but then Vala came back in the clutch, like fourth quarter, down by like 20.
Really?
The series was crazy.
Yeah, it was crazy.
Because Dove started out hot.
I mean, like, Dove was on fire.
Yeah, we got to Dallas.
We were out of Austin.
He was useless in Austin.
But once we got to Dallas, it was his kind of vibe.
Finds his home court advantage.
Finds a Jewish chick at the pool, starts laying it on thick.
Some of you guys might have seen on the Instagram story, maybe one of the most interesting Instagram stories that's ever been down.
I try to disrupt.
I was doing a lot of stuff.
We're in a pool.
Dove's hair is already thin, right?
We're in a pool.
Dove's hair is already thin.
Dove's hair is made out of cotton candy.
People don't realize that.
If it gets in the water, just it didn't.
It just evaporates, right?
So we're in the pool, and the dove, like, I think you started, he started making fun of my hair or something like that.
And I was like, motherfucker, dunk your head.
Let's see who.
And he literally says this to the girl.
I don't know what her fucking name is.
Let's say it's Babushka.
He goes, he goes, he literally goes, Babushka, it was nice talking to you.
He's so sure.
The fucking end of Titanic.
He's literally just hanging there.
He's like, I'll always love you.
Once this chick seats the top of his fucking noggin, it is over for him.
Okay.
100% certain.
Goes in, comes up.
It's not too bad as long as he's forward-facing from behind.
And if you squint, kind of.
If you squint, it looked like someone fried an egg on the top of his fucking head, right?
But he keeps on kicking it with this girl, manages to do some stuff, takes her up to the room.
Woo!
March room?
No, this was his regular room.
Yeah, because Jamil was downstairs.
Yeah.
Dove and Jamil were sharing a room.
Sends her back.
He doesn't even come back.
We're still downstairs.
What'd you do?
No, I think we talked.
They just chatted up there about Israel, right?
Israel.
Yeah, they just really.
This is the first Jewish girl he's ever been with.
And again, struck out.
Didn't give him no pussy.
Yeah, that's why he didn't.
Yeah, because ironically, she was into NBA players.
His dick probably didn't get a card.
Did you pull the schmacks out?
No comment.
That's a yes.
Yeah, you told her to give you that blue square, huh?
She blew you and flew square.
So blue box, bro.
That's the blue box.
The blue box.
That's good.
Third thousand chops.
Bring it around.
So, so Dove is like way ahead.
Later that night, we go out to a nice steak dinner, right?
More girls there.
Dove is chopping it up.
Meets a nice girl, right?
Takes her back to the hotel later.
This is actually a really fun story.
Yeah.
This is, can we tell this story?
Yeah.
Okay, go.
Because Dove doesn't have a hotel room.
He goes, Hey, Mark.
Hold on, hold on.
Can we hang in your room?
Dove has one hotel room, and that's in New York City.
Okay, that's where he lives.
Who lacks the ego of some of the guys I work with?
Was super happy to share a room with my boy of 20 years, Jameel.
Can I say something?
Makes us a lot of good money.
Can I say something?
Grand partnership.
Can I say something?
Can I say something?
What is shocking to me is that Dove did not feel any kinship with the people of Austin, right?
Like, he did not feel anything.
How do these people live in here?
Nobody has a place to stay.
Nobody.
Oh, the second he gets a Dallas.
These are my peeings.
This life is what I understand.
Dallas is fire.
It's called relative poverty.
It is what it is.
You saw relative pussy poverty.
We were eating at a nice steakhouse.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
We had a good night.
We had a good night.
And you meet a girl.
Okay.
And then what happens?
Does take it, Mark.
Long story short, Dove just looks at me and goes, Yeah, can we hang in your room while we figure out the plan?
And I was like, All right, whatever.
So we go to my room.
Dove falls asleep while talking to the girl, wakes back up halfway through the conversation, literally a 10-minute nap, and then goes and makes passionate love in my shower.
That's fire, dog.
That's legendary.
I just, I mean, it's like half the story.
What's the other half?
Just like a lot of emotional trauma from the other girl that was involved.
Mark is my whole squad.
Mark's my number one wingman.
Ultimate wingman, bro.
Ultimate wingman.
They just connect.
He gives them therapy.
They're doing all this.
And I'm just like, this sweet boy, this fool.
Mark is giving therapy and talking about the girl's life.
And Dove just head conks over past the chair.
He just was like, I need to get my dick sucked.
And then his grandchildren takes me over to the show.
He was having a wet dream when he was like, wait, Hold on.
Hold on.
So, so Dove comes through.
That's two girls.
Like, he's really cooking.
Vala's feeling a lot of pressure.
Houston, Vala might have cleaned up, dude.
Houston's a Vala City.
Houston's a Vols City.
Mark Is My Ultimate Wingman00:03:07
You don't even know what happened.
Say what?
You don't even know what happened.
We do, I thought.
I don't know.
Somebody told me that he was in the green room with two of the girls.
Oh, yeah.
Like, somehow, two girls made it down to the green room.
I thought this was exaggerated.
Was it?
I don't know.
I think Alex threw that in the green room.
All I know is there were two girls that were just in the green room randomly.
I don't have like green rooms that are just like filled with like groupie type chicks.
You know what I mean?
Like, I have like a let's focus green room.
A lot of dudes.
That green room sucks.
I like eating after a show.
Yeah, if my green room was in the green room, they were just like, What do you guys think of the bits?
Like, let's chalk.
Let's kind of chop it over.
Let's organize it.
We got a clip this weekend.
Nice pop music.
I'll hang out, green.
Vala's fucking just tearing more pieces of his shirt off, dude.
Like, he's just down to like a stringlet.
Looks like the muscle doc.
Like, he is, he is ready.
He's wearing a single.
I thought he was an Olympic wrestler.
He was.
He was.
All right, guys, we're going to take a break for a second because you need a new wallet.
Okay.
Looking like George Costanza with that big ass folded bullshit.
Get over it.
Okay.
You're getting an extra.
This is it.
This is the future.
This is the now.
And this is what you're going to do.
Take the cards, take the cash, take whatever you need.
You throw it in your extra.
Look at this high-quality, okay?
That's not breaking.
This is the real deal.
You throw it in your pocket.
You can throw it in a front pocket.
It's nice and slim.
Okay.
So you don't look like a goofy with something popping out your ass.
You like you got bad ass shots.
What were you going to see?
Traveling?
Europe?
We're going all over the world now.
It's Corona's over.
You're going to get pickpocketed.
You at risk for identity theft.
You at risk for everything.
Extra stops it.
Look at this.
Why?
Why is that?
How is it capable of doing that?
Because you know that people can run up to you.
You know how you now do the boop with the credit card?
Yeah.
So they could take your credit card information with the boop, but Extra doesn't allow that to happen.
They got protection from the boop.
Boop protection?
Boop protection, bro.
They got real boop protection, okay?
They got key tracker features, okay?
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Go there, get your new wallet, and now let's get back to the show.
Your girl literally came to our table because we ordered a two-foot hot dog.
You want to talk about slut shaving?
It was a two-foot hot dog that we ordered.
It was a Wagyu hot dog.
The Two-Foot Wagyu Hot Dog00:03:43
And these girls from like four tables over just goes, what do you got over there?
Like, look at your menu, lady.
What do you mean what do we got?
They were acting like us when we talked about the heavies.
They were like, I was like, girls do that too?
Yeah, but for money.
They do that just for money.
But it was a bat signal for sluts, dude.
The second they brought that thing over, that whole table.
You know, the restaurant's famous and people know it's on the menu, but nobody orders it.
Andrew just ordered everything.
I'm a fucking tourist.
You're like, oh, you got that Vega hot dog?
Cook.
I'm a tourist.
That's what I did.
You're a tornado, dude.
You went in there and just fucking tore it off.
I know.
Dove was rolling his eyes because I was trying to establish rapport with the waiter so he didn't fuck us over.
Yeah.
And Dove is looking at the menu, like, how can we efficiently order from here?
He's actually a great guy.
He's like, he's the wing.
He's my wingman on the road for not losing all of our money.
Right.
Three times during the order, Andrew taps the waiter.
Hey, we're good, guys.
Just fucking us.
I said that.
Don't fuck us.
I said, we're good fuck us.
Don't let us order too much.
We're good people.
Don't fuck us in a negotiation.
He's warning for anything.
Did you say that?
And Dove just goes, oh my God.
His commitment to truffle.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
At the airport.
I've never seen anything like this in real life.
Yeah.
At the airport on the way back.
I've never seen anything like this in real life.
He took an hour and 15 minutes.
Wow.
An hour and 15 minutes to save how much?
Hold up.
To start the story, Miles, how much to bring that equipment, cameras, some little things?
How much did it cost you to bring it from New York into Texas?
I don't feel comfortable.
Just say the damn number.
Who's that number?
$880.
$880.
So we're flying back out.
And I was like, shit, okay, Andrew's flying first.
He gets these two bags.
It's just like Rainman of how I could calculate these four bags into the cost to save the fucking money.
They're giving him more tidbits of information.
And I'm watching his brain work in real time.
They say something like, Yeah, I mean, if you guys had a press pass, you wouldn't have to pay for the bags because obviously, and then I'm literally root chat.
Literally, don't you guys have a press?
No, He goes, Yes, I mean, we're pressed.
I mean, that's why we're here.
Obviously, we're shooting.
Like, do you have your pass?
He goes, oh, no, you know, it's in the bag, but I've been in the press for 20 years, something like that.
And then they start asking him, they're like, well, we need to see the pass.
And now he's getting angry at them.
He's already convinced himself that he's press.
You can't convince him otherwise.
He's, who's the fucking Bob Costas or something?
What is his name?
Bob Costas.
Yeah, Bob Costas.
Bob Costas, right?
Like, he's looking at them like they're retarded to question his.
He literally said, he goes, I'm going to tell the editor.
Yeah.
I'm going to tell the editor.
At one point, he goes, he looks at her.
He goes, I've been in the press for 20 years.
He just three minutes earlier found out about this.
He goes, he looks at, he goes, he goes, miss, I've been in the press for 20 years.
He goes, two decades I've been in the press.
He's smoking a cigar at this point, too.
We're like, where'd you even get that?
It was unbelievable.
Hold out the fucking hat from the 20s.
So went through all of that.
But then they weren't buying the press thing.
But anyone has media credentials they want to send to us for future thank you.
Appreciate it.
Yeah, we need media credentials, asshole army.
Yeah, asshole army come through.
Then I was just like, all right, calculating based off our tickets, based off of this, moving a couple pounds here or there.
And it went from eight fucking whatever cuck hundred miles spent and we got out for 240.
240.
But bro, an hour and 15 minutes just every fucking minute of my life.
I'm making things out of certain packages.
You saw the truffle with the hotel.
So the homeless crackhead is going crazy, like tearing shit up.
And I meet the woman that's running the hotel.
An Hour And Fifteen Minutes00:07:38
She's like, I'm so sorry.
And I'm like, honestly, it's not your fault.
You can't control what homeless people do.
You know what I mean?
Like, they came in here.
He's on drugs.
Like, you did your best.
And that's all we can ask for.
As I'm finishing the last word, Dove kicks open the door and says, There's homeless people taking over the fucking hotel.
He's like, my arm.
He put his arm.
He put his arm inside his shot.
What else happened?
I was like, I'm missing my arm.
I need help immediately.
Quit going.
Be angry.
Be afraid.
I think at one point, I think at one point I was about to say, it's okay.
And Dove like recognizes my eyes.
Like, I have these little puppy dog eyes that are about to come up.
And I'm like, it's.
And I see Doug go, yeah, buddy.
You got emotional leverage right now.
Yeah.
You can use that.
Get a credit.
You know what I mean?
It's just amazing.
Just absolutely amazing.
And then someone put him down to size at the shooting range.
Because while you were doing Rogan, we all go shooting.
Yeah.
And we're all hanging out.
And this guy is showing us at the shooting range.
Dumb is really you are.
The VIP suite, like the most amazing thing.
Like the guys with Rogan hooked it up amazing.
And we're all just hanging out there shooting.
And the guy that's teaching us is like this really kind of cool guy dressed like Super Miami.
Like he's got the gun out, like doing the whole thing.
And then Dove steps out and the guy leans into me and he's like, so how do you guys like all know each other?
I was like, oh, like we kind of work together on the road and you know, comics, whatever.
He's like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
And who's like the older, like less hip guy?
No.
No.
And I look over in that moment and Dove has the fucking earmuffs on, giant glasses, holding the gun in a full squat.
And I'm like, what do you mean, less hip?
This guy's all hip.
He's only using his hips.
Look at him.
He's literally in like a perfect L shape, like seated holding the gun, just getting launched back every time it's.
Oh, me and Al bet on the handgun, you know, just accuracy.
Yeah, he's been in the in law enforcement.
He's meeting in that.
I just like if things are more fun when there's money on the line.
But then on the rifle with the scope, I got that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know.
The guy put him down, and it was great to see.
We were all very happy.
Who's the less hip guy?
The older, less hip guy.
Ah, poor guy.
Some of you guys dress like you're 13-year-olds.
You work out on a polo, Dove.
What are you doing?
Yeah, he does.
He had a grip.
I did see it.
Also, he doesn't work out.
I just want to put this.
He's in the gym with us, but he doesn't work out.
He'll literally go on the rowing machine and pull it four times.
And then he goes on the rowing machine, he pulls it four times, and then he does this every single time.
This is every single time, ready?
He goes, he pulls it, pulls it, pulls it, pulls it, and he goes, oh my God, I got to do this.
But he makes sure that you see him look like anxious about the call that's coming in.
Like, must be important.
He's about to get a pump.
He's so close to just getting absolutely shredded.
Almost.
And then he'll go stand by the dumbbell rack as you lift.
But he'll never lift anything from it.
He'll just be there, like kind of back and forth.
And then, and then just absolutely do no exercise.
But I can still out pull up you, which is a surprise.
It is his drives.
And I always have some shade of.
It's true.
I've got six, sometimes like six pack lines with love handles sticking on the side.
You're a Honda Civic with a spoiler.
That's what you are.
You're a Honda Civic.
You're a Honda Civic that has the amazing engine in it.
It's super, it's awful for him because he'll raise his shirt, right?
And it's a mess.
The guy's a mess.
But sometimes.
It's a mess.
But sometimes you'll see these lines.
And I know because I've been there.
You know, when you convince yourself you still got it?
Yeah.
Right?
Like, you know, you just have the top one or two.
So you're like, no, I'm still skinny, right?
Like, this is, this is, this is what he does.
He lifts his shirt up.
I see it happen.
He's got his black polo that he works out in his workout polo.
He's a dry fit, though.
I play a lot of tennis.
It is a dry fit.
It's a black.
He thinks he's an Ivy Lake kid.
He only goes on the rowing machine.
You don't even play tennis.
Wait, what's that other fat?
That's not tennis.
I play tennis too.
He thinks he's on the crest.
Ted kids' tennis.
He lifts up his shirt and he'll see a couple of them.
And they're not even abs.
It's literally just like fat that is folded over in the right space.
But he'll be like, no, I still got it.
I still got it.
He'll just focus on that one little range.
And it's amazing, man, because it can get you through, right?
Yeah.
But it's never going to make a change.
Let's have a shirtless contest.
And we'll have a penny vote and breakfast.
You and me.
Pick a date.
No, no, no.
Pick today.
No, no.
I picked this date.
Let's do it before and after that, I guess.
I picked this date right now.
Let's do it right now.
Take off your shirt.
Let's do it.
You're going to take off your shirt?
Let's go.
No, shit.
My pants are too tight.
My handles are off the side right here.
You got to get my suit.
I can't see.
Why would you propose that?
It's unbelievable.
I thought with two months of my life.
I see what you're talking about.
I feel amazing.
Like I have this iced coffee working, self-drew, whatever the fucking word I'm trying to say.
Don't worry.
Come on, Mark.
I'm drunk.
I'm literally drunk right now.
Okay.
But in all seriousness, I would love to do that right now.
Two months.
Give me a date.
No, no, no.
You're wide.
You look like you've been stepped on.
Yeah.
So like you, you're kind of skinny, but it just kind of goes out in this direction.
So let's call it.
Call the dick.
Right now, right now.
No, not the call.
I'm calling it right now.
No, I need the two months.
And you're still going to have your months.
You're old milk.
If he works out, he will be in a better shape than you.
But I think that's just most people.
By the way, if you worked out and I didn't work out at all.
You work out a ton and you still got the little stiglitz at the bottom of your six-pack that you'll never come in because you were eating, drinking oat milk so long.
And I had to teach you about the carbs and oat milk.
I did learn about that.
Do you think, do you think that if you worked out as much as me, that you would be in shape?
I would destroy you.
I've never seen you in shape in our entire relationship.
I've known you more than I haven't.
Eighth.
In my life.
They voted me best stomach.
Say again?
Best stomach.
I was the first kid to get a six-pack.
You went to a school with Persians.
And then I met black guys.
You're not in good shape.
You're dealing with dumplings over here.
You got a bunch of fucking jasmine daddies.
Which also high school?
What middle school has best stomach as a super?
Everybody hills.
Beverly Hills, but it was like the hot girls did like a popularity poll and then they gave everyone their rankings.
But that doesn't even count.
You didn't get best personality.
I got best personality in the actual school.
You're saying that there wasn't a football player, a basketball player that had a better stomach than you.
So I was addicted to infomercials as a kid, and I bought an ab crunch machine.
I swear to God, I was the first kid to have a six-pounder.
Dove is a gay queen.
He's like a 50-year-old housewife.
He's got the fucking home from Matt Shaker and you watch prices right before like the Telenovellas would come on.
It would be the great infomercials.
That's how I know a lot of songs.
You know, they just go over these collection albums.
That's what I call music.
It's a flat line from Crazy Stupid Love.
And Ryan Gosling in it is ripped.
Are you describing Crazy Stupid Love right now?
What is Crazy Stupid Love?
It's a great romantic comedy, I guess.
Ryan Gosling and Steve Carell.
And Emma Style.
You would actually like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that.
Ryan Gosling's character is really funny.
But his point was, Ryan Gosling photoshopped.
That's the bit line from that movie, right?
He takes off his shirt.
Oh, yeah.
He's also addicted to infomercials.
So I'm just saying, like, being addicted to infomercials and being Ryan Gosling were slightly different.
He's saying there's divergent paths.
You know what I mean?
Ryan Gosling addicted to infomercials.
Looks fucking incredible.
Dove addicted to infomercials.
Looks like he sleeps on a tilted whirl or something.
What's a tilted whirl?
The fucking spinny Gravitron thing.
What is it?
At a fair, it just spins and you get stuck to the wall.
Yes.
That's what he looks like.
Yes.
Yes.
That is true.
That is true.
Like just extra gravity.
Shirtless contests whenever you want extra gravity.
Why won't you just do it right now?
Responsibility For Afghanistan00:06:20
I need a challenge.
Give people a before.
Give people a before.
No, because my pants are pinching on the side.
You got a medium.
Imagine blaming on your pants.
Imagine thinking that you're fat because of your pants.
No, it's just that it's pushing up the love handles.
Because it's pinching.
Because you had your fat.
Yeah, and I have to also pee a lot because they're tight right now.
Why do they call them? Love handles, Dove.
Ask all the girls that seem to not care about trademarking them to dove handles.
Yeah, you got to come.
Ooh, the dove handle.
That'd be good.
You can sell this as an infomercial.
Okay.
Let's discuss some topicos.
Okay, let's talk about Afghanistan.
Let's.
This will be a fun conversation.
Yeah.
We're journalists.
Yes, we're journalists.
And we know exactly what it is.
This is 100% facts.
Everything we're going to give you is verified facts.
It's a pretty simple situation, too.
Very simple.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we've pulled out of Afghanistan.
The Taliban has taken control of the country.
I mean, it took like a week.
Yeah.
They are so fast.
Very good.
These Talibanis.
Very good.
Very good.
Put them in the Olympics.
And it is.
Here's the situation that's really tricky.
Just seeing the reaction from people.
There's no good solution here.
Correct.
We went in here.
Bush went in there after 9-11.
It was disgusting.
It was stupid.
It was fucked up.
We should have never been there at all.
Okay.
We've occupied this place for 20 years.
There's no solution.
We either stay there, we continue to occupy it forever.
Yeah.
Right.
Or we pull out and we go, we fucked up.
Now, we have to have some responsibility for the people that we're leaving.
Right?
Like, we fucked up the situation.
So I think we should be responsible to take every single person that wants to leave back.
If they want to go to America, they want to go somewhere else.
We work out some sort of situation where they can go to other places and we work out with one of our allies.
Maybe they want to go live there and they're willing to accept them.
Again, I haven't worked out this theory, but I do believe that's our responsibility to protect those people, especially if we went in there and fucked the whole thing up.
You're talking about Afghani citizens.
Afghani citizens, Afghani people that are just living there.
Anybody that's going to be fucked by this situation could potentially be killed, jailed, have their livelihood taken from them.
Anybody who wants to leave.
We've done this with other people in the past.
Like we did it with the people, the Hmong people, right, in Vietnam.
I think we did it with a lot of Vietnamese people.
We did it with Cambodians.
We did a lot of people from that region in the Vietnam War.
But he's like, yo, you sided with us.
Now shit's about to be fucked up for y'all.
If y'all want to come move to Houston, you're good to go.
Right.
I think we have that responsibility for these people.
And it looks like we're not going to take it, but it's really fucked up to just leave them there.
That being said, I think that we've been misled in terms of like how much we prepared them to fight back against the Taliban.
I was speaking to a guy who's there right now, and he basically was like, yeah, we're not like, they didn't really train the army here.
And when you think about it, that makes sense.
What are we really going to do?
Train them so they're just as good as the U.S. Army?
Is that what we want?
Do we want high-tech weapons, high-tech training, zero reliance on us?
What do you think the next step is?
Get the fuck out of here.
Yeah.
Which is what happened with the Taliban the first time, right?
They trained them to fight against Russia in the Cold War, and then they became the Taliban, took over the country, and now they're a threat to national security in 2001.
And now, what does the Taliban have?
All the weapons.
All the weapons.
Yeah.
But wasn't that the story, though?
It's like, oh, we'll go in, like, we'll teach them how to fight, teach them how to be self-sustaining against the Taliban, then we'll leave, and then American occupation will work to try to empower the Taliban.
Yeah, that sounds great.
It's communism.
It sounds great in theory, but in reality, you know, it wins wars as weapons.
Right.
That was the story.
Not fucking karate.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So it's obviously a very tricky situation.
And it just really sucks, man, because it exposes what a monumental fuck-up that we did.
We went in there, we fucked shit up.
Simple as that.
And there's tons of conspiracy theories going around.
Like, one thing that I kind of thought of, and I don't know how real this shit is.
And I don't actually, I was doing a little bit more research and it's absolute bullshit.
So maybe it's just, maybe it's just like a convenient timing.
But I do find it weird that the second these pharmaceutical companies can make a lot of money off the vaccine, they no longer need the poppy fields for all their opioid drugs.
Right.
Right?
The OxyCons and these type of things.
And, you know, Afghanistan has like the largest producer of poppy, the opioid, opium poppy in the world.
Right.
So it's like, oh, now we have money to make on the vaccines.
Well, we don't need that shit.
No, we can leave Afghanistan.
And the Taliban was like burning down poppy fields in like the 90s.
They're really trying to destroy it.
So it's like, of course, we're going to be in there.
And of course, we're going to need something to offset all the money that we're spending over there.
So if we're spending a trillion dollars or however many billion dollars a year we're spending to prop up this country, well, we're going to need something out of it.
Oh, what do we have?
Okay, these natural resources, poppy fields, I think they're like the biggest lithium provider in the world.
Like it's the Saudi Arabia of lithium, I think people describe it.
So obviously there's these natural resources that people really want and we really want.
And we just removed ourselves.
And it's just a really, I don't know.
I just, I just kind of feel sad about it, man.
I just feel sad because it's almost like we're setting it up for the Okie Goke, right?
It's almost like we get out of there and now we're going to go back to like how horrible the Taliban is and how horrible Islam is and how horrible terrorism is.
And we need to get back there to make sure we protect them and secure them.
Like you already see the narrative start to go, right?
It's like.
Which is how they got us the first time.
Because you said it was, we should have never been, we should have never gone there in the first place.
But I remember 2001.
I'm sure you remember very well being like, oh, it was, we have very good intelligence.
It was the Taliban.
We have the video of Bin Laden saying it was him.
So we got to go in there and get them out of here.
They're a threat to U.S. security.
And then once you went there, it became, hey, we need to keep the people of Afghanistan safe.
And we were like, why?
You're just sending troops over there.
I remember every presidential candidate saying, I'm going to pull out.
I'm going to pull the troops out.
Now we pulled the troops out.
We saw how quickly he fell apart.
And now I think a lot of people are acting like, why the fuck do we pull out?
Whereas all the time I remember before this, we were like, why are we still there?
So it is a flip, I think, on our parts where we're just kind of, hey, I'm not going to be happy either way.
Why are we there for 20 years?
And then the second we leave, why would we ever leave?
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I always want one cup.
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There you go.
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What do you want to put?
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CEOs Dictating American Policy00:14:28
Yeah, because that's the thing with the people who say, who are upset that we left is like, what do you want?
Do you want occupation forever?
You want to send our troops over there over and over and over?
Yeah.
Because we don't like losing our troops and the chances of losing them there are way higher.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
I don't know.
That's the thing.
Especially the media just flipped on him so quick.
Apparently Biden's been pretty like anti-like Iraqi intervention and like Iraqi or like Afghani intervention for a long time.
Apparently he was opposed to Vietnamese intervention also.
Oh wow.
Apparently he told the president at the time like he was like a super young senator.
He was like, yeah, this is a lost cause.
Let's get out of here.
So he's been trying to do this for a long time and the media was like, yeah, let's get out.
Let's get out.
Bro, like seeing the media start to spin narratives is so funny.
Even this fucking botched face bitch, Nancy Pelosi, is out here.
Like they're already pushing the propaganda about feminism and LGBTQ acceptance, right?
Like it is honestly brilliant the way the military industrial complex has used feminism and gay rights as propaganda for Middle East intervention.
It is genius.
They're like, who are the people that we need to convince to go oppress brown people out there in other parts of the world?
Who are the people in America that would give the pushback to that?
Utel conservatives like, yo, we got to protect America.
They're like, we're in there.
You want to protect the flag?
Let's go.
But these liberals, you can't say that because they don't fucking love the flag as much.
They've been anti-war for a long time.
They're anti-war back in Vietnam.
They're the ones pushing back.
We don't want intervention.
So you need to tap into something that they really care about.
You need to tap into the groups that are oppressed and that you want to fight for.
So now you got women's rights activists, right?
You have gay rights activists going, we need to go save women.
We need to go save gays out there.
I've seen some BLM stuff.
People are like, yo, like Black Lives Matter.
There's black people in Afghanistan, blah, blah, blah.
So it's so genius.
They just go, Nita Pelosi tweeted something the other day.
This fucking retard, she goes, oh, it's disgusting and so sad what the Taliban is going to be doing to these women, just snatching them up and keeping them as sex slaves as they go and take back the country of Afghanistan.
We can't let this happen.
Which it is.
Which they're going to do.
But we only care about the sex slave shit when it happens in countries with natural resources.
Like I was tweeting this the other day.
There's literally countries where they chop the clips off of girls and they don't have natural resources, so we don't care.
There's a civil war in Ethiopia right now.
We do not care.
No one knows about it.
No one's talking about it.
Like Ethiopians are chopping each other up as we speak.
So it's like, it's so, it's such bullshit.
And it's shocking that the extreme leftist liberals haven't given any pushback to this.
I'm actually really shocked you don't hear anything from Bernie Sanders.
Like Bernie Sanders talks all this shit, right, about like the billionaire class.
Where's the talk about like Raytheon?
Where's the talk about the military industrial complex?
Where's the talk about the military industrial complex?
Like where's AOC?
And it makes me feel like, oh, you're a part of this.
Yeah.
You're still a part of this system.
You don't operate outside of the system.
Like, I want Bernie to be like, why are you using gay rights and women's rights as a proxy to go there and basically destroy people's lives and take resources from these countries in the Middle East?
Yeah, but that's like all the things that we argue about are sort of like the negotiables.
Those are like the small rocks that are like, yeah, this is the culture where we go back and forth about it and like we try to earn ships here and there.
But as far as American imperialism goes, we're not fucking with any of that.
Yeah.
Like every politician, whether you're left, right, center, like you are in favor of American imperialism in terms of like your operation within the political machine.
And is that the one girl that everybody hated, the Ethiopian chick.
Johan Omar?
Yeah, Omar.
She gave tons of pushback to American intervention anywhere.
Yeah.
And then people are like, you're not even American.
That's the thing.
There's only that group.
There was one congresswoman that objected to Afghani intervention after 2001.
Bernie voted against it, like historically a lot.
In 2001, there was only one senator at the time that went against it.
It was a Democrat from California.
And just let me clarify: I believe that Bernie's against it, but he cries about Bezos not paying any taxes.
Cries every single day about what other companies, maybe like Elon Musk, cries about Warren Buffett, the billionaire class.
The billionaire goes to the billionaire class.
I don't know if that's necessarily objectionable.
I'm cool if he does it.
That's fine.
They're not making the fucking money.
Well, I guess you could say their companies are, but they're not dictating policy like these bomb makers.
That doesn't necessarily go toward American imperialism, to use Mark's turn from earlier.
Right.
Like, that doesn't help keep the empire going as much as we got to keep these people up.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, like, I think he knows where the bread is buttered.
And I think he knows things that just aren't going to.
Yeah, man.
I don't know.
I mean, you would think that there would be a little bit of a conversation.
That's a valid point.
Let's see.
Or that maybe they pay taxes and he's okay with that.
As long as Raytheon's paying taxes, that's all he wants is tax dollars.
And then you can go take resources from wherever the fuck you want.
You can start endless wars in these different places.
I would imagine he wants those tax dollars to go toward universal health care or something.
Can I ask you a question?
Let's assume all this is true and everything at the end of the day.
We're not fucking with American imperialism.
We're going to keep our empire running.
Is that the best thing for us?
Are our lives in this room all better because America does all this shit and then we kind of get to act like we're above it somehow.
I'm going to reap the benefits.
A friend of mine sat down with the CEOs of Raytheon once.
This is a while back.
I won't name any names or anything like that, but like, and asked him, it was like, you hear all this bullshit about the military.
They didn't say bullshit.
You hear all this criticism about the military-industrial complex and starting wars for profit.
How do you guys feel about that?
And they said candidly to him, missiles don't sell themselves.
Their commodity, right?
Their product is missiles.
Yeah.
Right?
You need a purpose for missiles.
Right.
Right?
If you sell horse and carriages or horse and buggies or whatever like that, and now we got cars, you're out of business, baby.
If we don't have war, we don't have conflict.
They're out of business.
Those CEOs, I wonder if their fucking job is to make sure there's some conflict.
And I feel like this is, I don't know, like whenever people talk about the elites, to me, that's what it comprises.
It's like corporate executives, like primarily within like war industries.
Yes.
The media.
And the politicians.
The politicians.
They execute their bidding.
And so they can go to the media and be like, hey, look at this crazy story.
This is kicking up.
I'll send you this footage, like these pictures, this video.
It's going to really scare people.
It'll be good for your ratings.
And it'll also be good for us.
And it'll be good for the politicians that say the day.
Everybody wins.
Yes.
Except for the people that are getting imperialized.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, I guess I'm going off of you bringing up the point that we tend to occupy areas that have a lot of natural resources that we can make money on as a country.
Oil.
Doesn't that benefit all of us in this room as well?
So I'm curious about that because if we're spending so much fucking money propping up these places and we're spending so much fucking money on our military and on like development of weapons, like if we just stopped the imperialism and stopped producing the weapons at the same rate, like don't get me wrong, I want to make sure that we have military superiority over every country in the world.
But like we could just keep on producing, we can not keep on blowing fucking things up and sending tens of thousands of troops over there, right?
And propping up an entire country's GDP.
So we take a good percentage of that that we spend on the war.
Like I wonder if it would offs defense systems.
Yeah.
But again, I don't know.
And like, this is like way above my pay grade when it comes to like economics, right?
I also think that there's reasons why we're there that are outside of just resources.
I think that we want to make sure that there's not a fucking pipeline built from one of our enemies to Europe, right?
So like we're doing things to make sure that we protect our own oil interests.
So if a lot of shit is fucked up in Afghanistan, they can't build that pipeline up.
You still got to ship your oil from Saudi Arabia.
Guess who's in bed with Saudi Arabia?
The boys.
So I think obviously geopolitics is a very difficult thing to digest.
But I hear what you're saying.
It just fucking sucks.
Because that's the question I always come back to before I start judging all these people.
And I don't know any of the details.
I don't know how most of this shit works.
I just start wondering, like, am I really allowed to criticize or do I benefit?
Is my life infinitely better because of the fucked up things America does?
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm wiping my ass with Tuply.
Life is good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, your life is definitely better.
We all benefit from it without a doubt.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Actually, I don't know.
I think we just assume we do, but I don't know how much we do.
Yeah, that's what I assume.
I'm like, who am I to criticize?
You know, I got so many poor cousins in India, don't even have the fucking toilet.
Here I am.
I got a bidet.
Like, what am I?
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I think a lot of our leverage in the world just comes from consumption power.
It's quite possible.
I don't know.
And that's where I'm, you know, you try to look at yourself before you criticize.
So whenever I want to be like, oh, it's fucked up.
They're doing this.
I'm like, am I benefiting from that?
I'm trying to question myself and my own, do I have the right to sit on this pedestal and say, how dare you?
Yeah.
This also, to me, is kind of like an illustration of like the governmental power thing that we were talking about before.
Like giving the government power that then gets used in a good way, but then gets like twisted into a bad way.
So like after 9-11, it was like the A-U-M-F or whatever, like authorization of military force that everyone voted for to go get the guys that did it.
Get al-Qaeda, like all that shit.
And then it was that military authorization that was used to go into like the Philippines, go into Afghanistan, like going to all these other places.
So the initial intention of it was good.
Like, yeah, let's go get the bad guys.
And then it was like, all right, now that we have this thing in place, let's just utilize that and interpret that under like, you know, war court to go into anywhere else that we need to go.
And defeat a conspiracy theory that there could be people who know that that one, let's get this authorization shit, whatever you just said, let's get that done.
And then we can take that and run with it.
I don't even think the conspiracy thing.
If you wanted to make it a conspiracy thing, that's where you go, oh, 9-11 would be an inside job plan by these guys.
That's the same thing as the Patriot Act.
They say 9-11 was used to modern righteousness and do mass monitoring and things like that.
But this is what was used to get into Afghanistan.
It was that authorization.
This is why it is so hard to make change, like lasting change in government in America.
Because, and why it should be.
You know, it's like really hard to amend something part of the Constitution.
Like, it's really hard.
Like, we're just locked in.
It feels as if nothing ever changes, right?
Because you have both these sides.
And it's very hard for one side to get control of the House and the Senate and just get approval of everything.
It's very hard.
But it's supposed to be.
Because when things get changed quickly, they get taken advantage of so easily.
It doesn't matter if it's for the best reasons.
You're going to find a way to monetize it, take advantage of it, and completely manipulate people to continue to support it.
And yeah, man, it's just such a shame, dude.
And we, and I don't know, like, we can't remove our responsibility from it.
That's what I'm, that's what I fear.
I fear, like, we're out now.
Oh, sorry.
Okay.
And then you guys got to deal with this mess.
And it's like, that's not how it is, dude.
Yeah.
Like, we created the mess.
Yeah.
We got to clean that shit up.
Yeah.
I don't know how we're going to clean it up, but listen, we didn't decide to be in there, the people.
You know, like, this is a lot of times the government makes these decisions, right?
And we have to bear the responsibility for them as the people, right?
Because we vote in the government.
Right.
A lot of times these decisions are not being made by the motherfuckers that we vote in.
Right?
They're being made by these special interest groups.
They're being made by these massive, you know, trillion-dollar corporations.
Like, those are the people that are really dictating this American policy.
And then the world looks at us and starts going, how the fuck can you guys do this?
We're like, bro, we don't want this.
Yeah.
You know, we don't want to have anything to do with Afghanistan.
Most Americans don't know a single fucking city in Afghanistan.
We have no clue.
And we're looking at like, how do I benefit from Afghanistan?
I would know how I'd benefit from a relationship with Saudi Arabia.
If you took the names off of a map of the world, I wouldn't be able to name pretty much any country we've gone to war with.
Yeah.
Like, I don't know.
Afghanistan, I can't point it out.
Yo, show me the numbers, yo.
Show me the, I bet if they showed us the numbers, they're like, listen, this is how much it costs to, this is how much American imperialism costs.
And this is what we get out of it.
And this is what life would be like without it.
Like, if they just broke that down, somebody must have broken this down.
But if they just broke that down completely, they're like, listen, gas is going to be $10 a gallon.
If you really broke that whole shit down to us, I bet you Americans would be like, all right, man, do your thing, yo.
Like, if it looked beneficial enough to us, be like, yo, keep doing your thing, Pelosi.
My bad.
But it's like, it's like Michael Jackson.
You know how we all pretend we don't think he did it?
Yeah.
Because we know if we found out, we'd still listen.
I think we don't want to know the number because we're like, if we find out what it costs us, we'd be like, just keep going.
Stop asking questions.
Yeah.
I don't think we want to know.
I think if we saw how much we benefited, we'd all find out our own morals ain't shit.
And we'd be like, hey, do what you got to do, man.
And if that's the case, man, it is amazing that they haven't said that shit yet.
Because if you were tweeting at me every single day saying I ain't shit, right?
Like I was tweeting at Pelosi and all these other motherfuckers.
Like, if people just talking shit to you every single day and you're like, you dumb motherfuckers, you know what your life would be like?
Right?
Like, isn't that crazy?
I would have definitely said it.
Yeah.
Immediately, I would have said it.
Yeah.
Yo, I think Republicans got to apologize to the Dixie Chicks.
Okay.
Oh, fucking valid point.
Long time coming, bro.
I want Rush Limbaugh Wine.
Why?
What happened?
I want fucking Glenn Beck.
Because the Dixie Chicks' career, and you probably know the story more accurately.
Yeah.
I mean, basically that.
Like, I think they were in London.
And at the time, there was like a pretty big British resentment to Middle Eastern intervention.
Yeah, yeah.
And then they go on tour.
They're like irony.
And they learned their lesson.
They're going to take a moral fucking high ground.
They learned their lesson.
Middle Eastern intervention.
Keep going.
And so basically they go there and they're like, yo, like we stand with you guys.
Like we completely agree.
We don't want this war.
We don't want the violence.
We don't like George Bush's going to the Middle East.
Like we're ashamed of George Bush is from Texas.
That's what they said at the concert.
Yeah.
The baby type shit.
Like that moment.
Naming Kids After Your Dad00:11:49
Like beat stops and they just let it rip.
Put your lies in there if you don't like the war in Iraq, whatever.
And then they got canceled by every Republican commentator.
Their career kind of ended.
FCMT.
Their careers, they were fucking messy.
They were the biggest name in country music.
They're a country group touring in London.
Don't get radio play to this day.
They finally had a song that like this year got radio play a little bit.
Gaslight gaslighters.
But it didn't even blow up.
And they were the biggest thing in country music for a few years.
And then they said one thing.
We're ashamed to be from the same state as George Bush is what I always heard as a Texan.
And then that was it.
And it's amazing.
We don't even, do we even have video evidence of this?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, there was a video.
And now all the Republicans are like, why are we there?
Like, this button's an idiot.
Like, blah, blah, blah.
That's some shit like, you knew who your fans were, dummies.
I'm tired of these crying-ass bitches.
Like, you knew who your fans were.
You were showing up to the shows.
You saw the flags that they was waving in the fucking crowd.
You made enough millions where you were able to have a point and be willing to lose your career.
And then it was like, I'm going to, I'm going to say how I really feel.
But you made your millions first, so shut your fucking mouth.
I think they felt safe in England.
Huh?
They felt safe saying in England.
Even more pussy.
Stay at home here.
I don't know.
I don't buy that shit.
I don't buy the shit where like you make all your money first and then you decide that you're going to be a good person.
Like, roll the dice, bro.
If you really feel like it, roll the dice.
I don't know the history on this.
It was also pretty quickly after the war.
It wasn't like.
But the Dixie Chicks have always sort of been like the lefties of the country world.
Well, then they shouldn't be canceled, right?
I think that was the first time.
It was the timing of it.
I mean, it was just post-9-11.
I mean, within Sinead O'Connor doing, like, we didn't have, like, we didn't intervene in the chat.
I think I remember hearing about this in like 2003.
Yeah.
And 9-11 was the end of 2001.
So we probably went to war in 2002.
No, entered in 2003.
Oh, so this was quick.
This was quick.
This is weeks after we're entering.
Yeah.
For the first round of combat.
I mean, we were in there with his pops.
Yeah, but they weren't on the platform to say it then.
Then I got to say it before.
Hey, we have 15 years going on.
It's our bad, dog.
We never should have done that shit.
What's up, Houston?
Also, fuck George Sr.
Fuck these bitches, bro.
You're not doing nothing brave.
I'm sorry, chicks.
Yeah, they're the chicks now.
They deserve an apology, dog.
Nah.
Nah, they do.
They do.
They got some slappers, bro.
They don't.
They made the money.
They kissed the devil.
They knew what the fuck they was doing.
And once they made enough money, they're like, I don't want to be with the devil anymore.
It's like them.
They don't know what they're saying.
Don't you think that was with Hugh Hefner?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, but I don't think they're.
They have girlfriends that are all about being a fucking Playboy bunny.
Then they got their own TV show and their own spin-off.
They're like, oh, I don't want to be with this old man anymore.
It's like, you know what you did.
Yeah, that I agree with, but I don't think the Dixie Chicks, they didn't write a bunch of pro-American music and then all of a sudden get money and then be like, yo, fuck you.
They just made country music.
Then a few weeks after we ended a war, they were like, yo, we don't want to be a part of this shit either.
They also made like lefty country music.
So, how'd they get canceled?
It was chick shit.
They absolutely just lost all their tours.
They lost all their sponsors.
No, he's saying if they were lefty, then how come they're suddenly getting canceled?
Because then they went too far.
You can be slightly left, but they weren't like, there was nothing to voice.
They were apolitical.
Yeah.
It was also pre-social media, so they didn't have any contact with their fans.
If they were agency dropping, social media, maybe we would have been like, and also country music, radio, which dominates country music.
Oh, yeah, they were off the radio.
They never got to tour again.
No one showed up.
Right.
Yeah.
Whatever.
It is what it is.
You knew who your fans were.
New Kingridge, like all these.
Yeah.
They got trash.
They went crazy.
Yeah.
But that's also like that political grandstanding shit.
Like, you're using this as an opportunity to show how much you love America.
They never heard of the damage.
And his point, Mark's point, is that's fucking gross, especially gross now because now you're just sit parroting what they were saying, basically.
Yeah.
Never should have been there.
You fucking ended these girls' careers so you could get five minutes of airtime.
Right.
And then bangers the whole time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking hits.
So we lost, really.
That's what I'm saying.
We lost.
Years of greatness.
The chicks.
Yeah.
We got to put Britney's dad in charge of Afghanistan.
I think that's what we need.
We need a conservatorship in Afghanistan.
We really do, man.
Get Britney's dad over there.
Like, because Afghanistan's in their head-shaving phase right now.
You know what I mean?
And they're going crazy.
They're kind of off the meds a little.
Yeah.
So we got to get him.
What's his name again?
Rick?
Jamie.
Jamie.
Yeah.
He got time now.
He got the time.
Yeah.
That motherfucker is a psycho, bro.
It's weird.
He named his daughter Jamie.
He named his daughter after him.
Oh, my favorite of that is George Foreman, though.
Georgina?
He's got five sons, all named George.
Yeah.
And then he's got one daughter named Georgina.
And I maybe think another daughter named Georgett.
He has 12 kids.
Yeah.
And he's named over half of them after himself.
Yeah, that's wild.
But also, being a dude and naming your daughter after you is crazy.
Yeah.
Like, you are a crazy person.
Yeah, it's a narcissist.
That is unbelievable levels of narcissism.
Like, you have to look at your wife and be like, I think we should name her after me.
Yeah.
And then she's a younger daughter, too.
Like, he lost the fight with the older daughter, and he was like, all right, if I get the next one, though, 100%.
Yeah, you know what?
He won the fight with the older daughter.
He won.
He didn't let me have the name.
I'm going to have her for money.
With that being said, I'm naming my daughter Mark.
100%.
Got to do it.
Deion's daughter's name is like Deandra, Deion Sanders, some shit like that.
Yeah.
Deion Deandra.
Something like that.
What is that about?
Dude, I don't know.
Yeah, the Junior shit's a little, it's a little weird.
A little sussy, right?
A little sus.
Yo, you know what?
I don't think is sus?
The third.
I'm naming my kid the third.
I'm skipping.
I get the third.
I'm with you.
Because it's really an homage to your father.
It's not narcissistic.
You're like, I have so much respect for my dad.
I'm going to bestow his name on my child.
And now this is a legacy and it all dates back to this.
Yes.
But the first person to go junior, you are a bona fide narcissist.
You can also skip it, though.
You could just name your kid after your dad and then he can be junior.
You know who's a shitty father?
Junior is the next generation.
It can't be senior and then junior and it skips me.
No.
You know who's a shitty father?
Is the guy who names his kid junior and then his kid doesn't name his kid the third?
Yeah, that's a shitty guy.
You're looking at that guy like, yeah, his name is going to be Aaron.
Fuck you.
I want my kid to be unique.
I don't want him to be anything like this grandpa.
Yeah.
Now you're the narcissist and a shitty dad.
If you're a narcissist, but you killed it, you knew.
You called your shot.
This kid's going to love me, bro.
Yes.
That's their notepad in a wallet.
That's their post-it note.
I'm going to be such a good dad.
My kid's going to name his kid the third.
Yeah.
That's pointing to the stands.
That's baby.
Yo, right there.
Wow.
It's going to go right there.
But if you do that shit and your kid is like, nah, bro, it stops with me.
Yeah.
You sucked, dude.
So, what are you going to name my grandkid?
Jake.
The first.
Okay.
Yeah.
The first.
You got to hope.
You got to wait till your dad dies before you get a kid.
It's also so waspy.
I knew a kid.
I also like the nicknames that come with it, but it's so waspy.
If you're the fourth, so fourth in line, your initials are IV.
And I knew a kid named Ivy.
I know a couple of black thirds.
See, I see it as waspy or poor.
Like, this is all I got to give you.
Exactly.
I got nothing else to give you.
Jethro the seventh.
Like, some real hillbilly shit.
Latinos.
He's got nothing but a name.
Or some wasps.
I know.
There's no hundreds of Latinos.
Maybe not hundreds.
Five, bro.
Right.
That were named junior.
They were all junior.
Junior, but I don't know about the third, the fourth, or any of that kind of shit.
Yeah.
Also, there's limited names.
They have like seven names.
Yeah, they have less names than Latinos, right?
They really have very few names.
Carlos Sanchez.
I guess he's a junior.
Pedro.
Juan.
I can name him.
Luis.
Hector.
Hector.
Jose.
Jose.
Jesus.
Jesus.
That's it.
I think they have under.
I bet you.
Whoa.
I bet you.
Mario.
I know a couple of Marios.
This is more Italian, but I know a couple.
Under 25 names.
I bet you 90% of Latinos are named under 25 names.
Male names.
Male.
Even less for women.
Maria, Mari.
Huh?
There's a pushback to this.
Named Muhammad.
We met in Houston.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Muslims have three necks.
Do you remember the guy that comes up to us and he goes, hey, what's up?
We're big fans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're Muhammad.
I'm Muhammad.
Oh, he says, can I say something?
Can I say something real quick?
What an asshole Muslim to not name their kid Muhammad.
I was just going to say, yeah, you got it.
90% of them are named Muhammad.
And then you have to have that conversation where you're going to be the unique one.
Oh, my kid's name is Imad.
Just name him Muhammad.
It's Mo.
It's MD.
Okay?
Like 90% of the rest of them.
Why do you have to be the hipster, Muzzie?
Yeah, is that how you're a hipster in Islam?
Aziz.
Aziz.
All right, bro.
Azhan.
All right, we get it with the Z, dog.
We get it.
Literally, everybody's name is Mo.
Everybody.
Yeah.
Just go along with it.
What about Ahmed or Ahmad?
No, dude.
No, we can't even do that.
No, 90%.
How many?
What percent are named Muhammad?
Probably lie.
Let me check.
99.9, probably.
It's unreal.
I mean, it is unbelievable the amount of Uber and taxi drivers that you get that are named Muhammad.
Yeah.
Like it is, it's hacky at this point.
You know what, though?
I feel like I know way too many Andrews.
I feel like it's way too many Andrews and it's a lot of Alexes.
We got three Alexes that work with us.
There's no way that you're comparing the name Andrew or Alex to the name Muhammad.
I'm not comparing it.
We're talking about a lot of names.
But if we're also talking about overused names, and this is one that's slept on, Andrew, a lot of Andrews, a lot of Alex.
Akash, Akash, Akash, Akkos, Akash.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think you're understanding here.
We're talking about a billion people.
Yes.
Muhammad, way more common.
About 150 million men and boys.
What's the super bad line where he's like, why'd you pick McLovin?
He was like, well, it's I was between McGlovin and Muhammad.
He's like, why would it be between those two names?
Muhammad's the most common name in the world.
Read a book.
I believe that.
Most common name in the world.
It is.
150 million men and boys named Muhammad.
150 million.
Half the U.S. or actually the full male population of the U.S. pretty much.
That's crazy, dude.
It's like if every man in America was named.
Every man in America had the same name.
That's not Andrew or Alex.
That's not.
That's not Andrews.
I just am running across a lot of Andrews and Alexes.
I'm like, I'm this.
Sure.
I'm sure.
There's a lot of us.
Spend some time in Baghdad.
Yeah.
It's not like every single time you get into a car, it's by a guy named Andrew.
That's got to be easy for you guys because you have a hard time telling them apart anyway.
What?
Brown people.
Hey, Muhammad, you're probably right.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
You don't got to learn names this way.
That's right.
Matter of fact, when you meet a brown person, is it even offensive to assume Muhammad?
They can't even be offended by that.
No, they can because they're both.
Why do you just assume my name is Muhammad?
Your baby is your brother's name.
Why would you assume your uncle's name is 90%?
Your dad's name.
Yeah, I mean, no, you're right.
No, my name is.
90% right now.
Yeah, you're right.
My name is Muhammad.
I just wish you wouldn't know it right away.
In Bali, they named the kid based off of the order that they're born.
So, like, the firstborn has one of two or three names, the second has one of two, the third is always the one other name, and then the fourth, and then it repeats itself.
You have more than four kids.
Everybody in the neighborhood.
Everyone, you can guess if you say, Are you the oldest kid?
All right, your name is Wayan Putu or Gede.
Wow, love that.
Right?
Efficiency.
You know, if you're bad with names, that's the best.
I'm bad with names.
Yeah.
The best.
That's like a uniform school.
Like in school, you have to wear the uniform, and if you go to school with the uniform, you don't have to think about it.
You're like, oh, it's taken care of.
When they let you pick your shoes, that's life.
That's the middle name.
That's the middle name.
You're like, I'm going with Sky Skyler.
Why Assume My Name Is Muhammad00:11:59
That's the middle name.
Yeah.
I'm accessorizing here.
Yeah.
Okay, I got a pee real quick.
All right, guys, a couple of quick show announcements from me as well.
I'm going to be in Austin September 23rd through 25th at the Moontower Comedy Festival.
Make sure you come through.
Also, this show isn't fully, fully agreed to yet, but we're going to make this shit happen.
I'm finally coming to Texas to headline.
I'm going to be in Houston October 1st at the Secret Group.
I know it's been a long time, so get them fucking tickets.
Let's sell both those shows out.
October 15th, Toronto, Grand Girard Theater.
We sold out the two shows we have.
We're still trying to find a new venue and maybe add two more shows on Saturday as well.
So, Toronto, we're going to get tickets as soon as the link is live.
I'll let y'all know.
Cop them, motherfuckers.
Let's keep selling it out.
November 5th, I'm going to be in Atlanta at the Red Clay Comedy Festival.
November 11th through 13th, I'm going to be in Indianapolis at Helium.
And my October show that was originally October 8th at DC is now moved to December 9th through 11th at the Comedy Loft.
They're trying to move us into a bigger space there as well.
So get your tickets, AkashSing.com.
Let's bring that ass.
All right, we're back.
Yeah, I just saw a video of the people like hanging on to the wheel of the plane.
Just trying to take off with the plane as the U.S. Armed Forces plane is like taking off.
They're like taking off.
Yeah.
There's no way it's going to take off with all those people.
Apparently, there were people in the wheel well.
They're hanging off of it.
Yeah, trying to get it any way they can.
And then they fell out of the wheel well as the plane was taking off.
I mean, what would they think was going to happen?
They were just going to hold on for the whole flight?
Oh, the wheel will come in, and you can kind of like hide in the wheel well.
I think you freeze to death.
Yeah, that's what happens to them.
They lose consciousness burning building or jumping out.
You know what I mean?
It's weird.
When I spoke to this guy who's in Kabul, he's like a journalist, dude.
He didn't seem that concerned.
He's like, tomorrow it's going to go down.
We'll see what happens.
But I don't know.
The Taliban's already saying if you're impartial media, you could stay.
You can operate well.
They're trying to.
How is the Taliban this organized?
How are they this efficient?
Like, who's funding the Taliban?
They're trying to be a real government.
Like, the leader, the spokesperson, 280,000 Twitter followers.
No, no, no, no.
But I don't understand.
Like, the military strikes had to be incredibly organized.
Yeah.
Right?
Their ability to take over, understand what they need to go for.
Like, I don't know.
We always looked at the Taliban like they're hanging out in caves and shit like that.
But they're planning in that cave.
That's Taliban 1.0.
This is like the news.
Seriously, this is actually Taliban 2.0.
Who's promoting this?
Who's funding this?
Oil money, like magnates like Osama bin Laden famously had a hyper-wealthy family and a wealthy dad.
And like, he used certain funding from different pseudo-governments and other forces to build these things up.
The Taliban extracted $464 million in profits by mining and imposing taxes on miners of copper, oil, gas, cobalt, gold, iron, lithium.
So they basically just occupy cities and areas of Afghanistan, then extract the resources.
Right.
So they're doing what we're doing.
Yeah.
Opium, apparently.
So why are they upset about it?
Afghanistan is a source of 84% of the world's global opium.
Yeah.
Now, didn't we kick them out of Afghanistan entirely?
So they were always in certain regions.
Yeah.
I mean, there was different numbers.
Like, apparently, because that's what people were asking Biden in the press conference.
They're like, you know, is it inevitable considering that Afghanistan controls 40% of the country?
You mean Taliban?
Or Taliban controls 40% of the country.
And he was like, well, it's actually less than that.
It's not necessarily blah, blah, blah.
So there were different estimations of how much it was.
And I don't think people expected it to be as much control as they had.
You know, it's kind of interesting about this plane scene.
If you see the viral video of the people grabbing on a plane, or like people, a lot of people are saying, it looks like World War Z. Remember that movie, the zombie movie?
And then I see other people grandstanding on that and being like, oh, you Westerners have to compare it to a horror movie, World War Z.
It's like, bro, that's how we're trying to identify how fucked up it is.
That's all we understand.
You can't even let a person start to empathize without being like, oh, fuck you for trying to have empathy.
It's just such a can't-win-ism with everything in social media.
What are we supposed to compare it to?
Yeah.
Oh, it's like Kabul today.
That's all we need to compare it to.
There's nothing that happens in America that's like that at all.
You know how heartless?
Yeah, how heartless would you say I'm like, that's like Black Friday.
You're a fucking idiot.
You're trying to get a VCR at Best Buy?
VCR.
I'm Walkman.
I'm Walkman, you mean?
But it's like, come on.
Yeah, I think that's ridiculous.
Like when the tsunamis were happening, I was like, yeah, it's like Sharknado.
You know what I mean?
You just compare it to what you know.
Yeah.
That's all it is.
Thank God we don't know what that shit is like.
I mean, great.
What an amazing country this is.
Oh, we're so privileged here.
We're so fucking lucky.
How much did we really, I really need to understand?
Someone needs to explain to me how much we really benefited from being in Afghanistan.
I really need to understand.
Because now, of course, all like the fear mongers are coming out.
They're like, now there's finally a place for these terrorists to relax and plan safely with the protection of another terrorist organization.
They can coordinate attacks on Europe and America and without the concern of American forces in there spying and gathering intel to protect us.
This is what they said.
This is the five-year plan.
What is really going to happen?
There might be another big attack on the West, et cetera.
But I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know how much we actually benefit.
And if we did have 40% of the regions.
I don't know what percentage, but it was high.
Yeah, but you were saying that they had a certain percentage of the Taliban was in control of a certain percentage.
Like, why don't they just harbor the terrorists there?
And if they're making bank, like it said, like, they could easily hang out, get a conference room, figure out your terror attacks.
Yeah.
Right?
Like, I don't think anything changes that much more.
Well, it's difficult to know how much you benefited as an American citizen or I benefited.
Yeah.
But Halliburton probably did okay.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like Lockheed Martin probably did okay.
Yeah.
Like those guys did good.
And ultimately it's the elite and the power break.
I think people were wondering is how much does that benefit us as just a pure like byproduct or trickle down or whatever the term is.
Yeah, we know it benefits those companies.
Like you make weapons, you're winning right now.
How much are we also winning?
The assumption is there though that like that assumption is the saying that we're there because it benefits us.
It might not benefit us at all.
That's what I need to understand.
That's what we're trying to find out.
But it's possible that it doesn't and we would still occupy.
Yeah.
And we would like to know.
And then I'd be pissed.
Basically what I'm trying to do is be honest with myself.
Yes, exactly.
If it increases my life 25%, am I willing to take that 25% sacrifice?
I think most people will not.
You ask them if they're willing to take a 25% pay cut at work, they're not going to take it.
Right?
So, but if it increases my life 1% or 2% and it increases Halliburton and Raytheon's life 300%, fuck all them.
Yank them out.
Let's get back to regular shit and not feel the guilt of completely destabilizing a nation of independent people and destroying their fucking lives.
And now, I mean, countless more are going to be dead.
I mean, it's going to be real sad.
I mean, every motherfucker that was on that plane is going to be in a picture and they're going to be walking around the streets.
Like, was that you on the wheel?
That was you on the wheel trying to get out of it.
It was the other Muhammad.
It wasn't me.
Right?
So it's like, I don't know, man.
Life is going to be shitty.
It's going to be shitty.
But I need to know.
I need to know exactly how much I benefit from American imperialism.
Yes.
I need to know.
I need to know where the accountability lies.
If it lies with me for being okay with it and I make this money, bet.
If it's them and we don't really benefit, then I can hold the government accountable.
Yeah, it's getting to a point where I want to know.
Before I didn't want to know.
It's the sum of parts, though.
Like, American imperialism is not just one country or one region.
Of course.
It's the whole world.
Of course.
And it's also like multifaceted.
This would be a good marker for it, though.
There's like a barometer of how much we benefit from intervention.
Yeah, like if I benefit 1% from Afghanistan, but if I benefit 20% from having military bases around the world, let's keep those bases.
That's my point.
Like, I don't know if you necessarily benefit a ton from one specific country, but you benefit 25% from military bases.
You benefit 20% from digital colonialism with media and tech.
You benefit 30% from spies and shit.
I don't count digital colonialism because they have the ability to opt out.
You have the ability to not have an Instagram page.
You have the ability to not have a Facebook page.
That's your choice.
If you want to share your information and data with the world because you need to get likes and shit and pats on the back for how cute you look in your fucking outfit, then that's on you.
And the stakes are different when a motherfucker is there telling you how to live your life, what to do, when you're going to do it, what parts of your religion are allowed to be expressed and what parts are not.
The stakes are a lot higher with military colonialism.
Digital colonialism.
They're changing people's lives.
But they operate as far as percentages go.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
What does that mean?
Like there's percentages of each that are affecting our lives every day.
Sure.
I'm all about digital colonialism.
I'm all about cultural colonialism, like movies and shit.
Like put out our actual movies, make them want to drive around fast cars and Vin Diesel and shit.
Like that's cool.
That's awesome.
That's great.
Win, win, win in that way.
That is way different because that's opt-in.
You have to opt into Fast and the Furious.
You have to opt in to thinking Vin Diesel is cool.
We don't even think Vin Diesel is cool in America.
But if they think he's cool, fine, great.
You got to opt into our music.
You got to opt into all those things.
That is an option.
You don't get to opt into a fucking helicopter showing up in your neighborhood and telling everybody this is how you're going to live your life.
Yeah, this necessarily costs us lives.
Yes.
And rap music doesn't kill America.
It doesn't kill American soldiers.
It kills Americans.
But it doesn't kill American soldiers, right?
So you're not having American freedom fighters dying for these causes that we don't give a fuck about.
So these big wigs can make a bunch of money.
So fuck all that.
But I need to know because I'll be a complete hypocrite if they come back and they're like, yo, Afghanistan, that is 30% increase in your lifestyle.
Just that one place.
And we're going to have to go get that 30% somewhere else.
So watch out, South America.
Watch out, Africa.
Watch out.
Some reason is going to need to get destabilized for us to go back in there and prop it up again.
And you know what?
I feel bad for.
I feel bad for the soldiers, man, because their mission is noble.
Yes.
Like, what they're doing is noble.
Very noble.
Like, if you are going, wow, this girl is being stolen from her family so she can be a sex slave for a Taliban army regiment, you're stopping that, returning to her family.
That's a noble cause.
But you're only doing that so that this military company or this missile company can make billions of dollars.
Yeah.
So it's like, what you're doing is good.
You get to feel good about what you're doing.
But the real reason you're doing it is so these guys can make trillions of dollars.
Yeah.
Let me ask you a question.
Stop me if there's if I'm missing something stupid.
Is it a testament to how powerful like a De Beers is that we don't occupy Sierra Leone?
Because you brought up we like minerals, resources, whatever.
We can make a shitload of money off diamonds.
Kids are getting killed, arms chopped off in Sierra Leone for diamonds.
Yeah.
And we're just like, nah, y'all got that.
Diamonds are fake.
Yeah, but we could still make a lot of money off.
The reason why the diamonds aren't why we don't care about diamonds is because nobody needs them.
You know, the wealth is or the values all like ascribed, prescribed, or whatever the word is.
Yeah, like you need oil, bro.
Like, you need, I guess you could say you don't need no copper, you need like you build things with copper, okay?
Right?
There's the wires, the uh, what are those um cables that they lay at the bottom of the ocean?
Like, you need certain these certain minerals and these precious metals in order for life to function as we know it.
And it's like, diamonds you don't need.
It's actually amazing what they've done.
It's the craziest shit ever.
It's the greatest business ever created.
Yeah.
Because it's all based on nothing.
Nothing.
It's genius.
It's not rare.
It's not precious.
It's nothing.
Yeah.
Fucking useless piece of glass.
It really is.
Fucking hey.
All right.
Anything else on this before we move on, guys?
Nah.
Nah.
Just kind of sad.
It's just a sad thing to watch, man.
You Need Oil And Copper00:03:46
Who's next?
Who do you think gets it next?
Might run it back.
You think that's the vibe?
There's enough public outcry or whatever.
If they can gain sentiment, there's money to be made.
Run it back.
Just get rid of it.
Maybe they would pull out just to justify being there another 10 years.
I think that's what some people are saying.
Because they know this will happen, and then people are up in arms.
It's like, all right, we'll go back, guys.
Fine.
We'll protect them.
And it's almost too easy for the Taliban to take over.
Like, if you really had 300,000 arms, Afghan military forces, like you really had, they apparently have an Air Force.
Like, the Taliban doesn't have an Air Force.
Yeah.
So start bombing some shit.
Right?
Like, if you have, if you have air superiority, I think every war since World War I has been won by air superiority.
Makes sense.
Right?
Like, I think the reason why Israel was just mopping motherfuckers in the Middle East is because you had an unbelievable air force, right?
Yes.
But I mean, it's part of it, though.
Really, right?
Yeah.
Airplanes from World War II were sent over.
And boom.
So it's like, I don't know, man.
Something seems a little fishy here.
It just seems too easy.
And I wonder if they're setting up Biden to be the fall guy.
I wonder if Biden, you get out of here.
Now, I asked some people about this.
I was like, are they trying to get Biden out of here?
Is this his big fuck-up?
And then this poor guy plays the role his whole life.
This shows you how fucking his game is, bro.
He plays the company man his whole life, his whole career.
Finally gets in the position.
And then what do they do?
The second they need him out of here?
The second he's stuttering too much on camera?
Second, he's looking like his cognitive abilities aren't there?
They blame the fall of Afghanistan on him.
Even though it was, honestly, Trump's decision to pull out.
Now, he could have definitely changed it, but Trump did start laying the groundwork, right?
They did have that negotiation with the Taliban.
And he pulled out like 3,000 troops at the end of his presidency.
Yeah.
Around 2019, 2020, I think.
Yeah, so, but it is interesting.
He plays a company man the whole time and then legacy completely destroyed.
This is on Biden's hands.
That's how everybody's marketing it.
Yep.
Now, I was talking to people and they were like, they don't think that's the case.
And I go, why?
Because the powers that be love having Biden there because they just get to tell him what to do.
They hated Trump there.
Right.
Because that motherfucker was doing what he wants to do.
And they were like, yeah.
But Biden, I don't think is making a single decision.
Do you guys feel like he's making any decisions?
I mean, no.
I don't think he's making a single decision.
So they love having a guy that's not making a single decision.
The only problem is the guy can barely hold a press conference.
Right.
Right.
So they have the perfect person in the fact that they're not going to be independent at all in their thinking, but the worst person because he's the laughingstock of media and the world.
Right.
What do you do?
Adios?
Yeah.
Kamala?
Maybe.
Or just maybe wait till re-election and then just re-up and get someone else in there.
I don't know.
Maybe he doesn't run.
They tell him, like, yo, you're out.
Yeah, yeah, he's out.
And then Kamla takes over and you see how she does.
If he decides not to rerun and run, is there another primary all over again?
How does that work?
Or is it just her?
It depends if the party supports her.
I think if the party supports her, then she's the incumbent, but the party might not.
The party might go, I don't think that you have enough likability.
They'll run the metrics.
Oh, her shit is down.
Yeah.
Her likability is not good.
I haven't heard anything from her.
I've heard her approval ratings really low.
Ghosts, right?
The only thing I've heard from her is telling immigrants, don't come.
That's literally the only thing.
And some conservatives might be on board.
They let her say that.
They let her say one word and then like, shut your ass up.
Yo, pence talk more than Kamala.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
Kamala Takes Over The Presidency00:15:35
Wild.
That's wild.
Yeah.
Because the way this is looking, if Trump wants to run in 2024, he's going to be, it's going to be a problem.
Yeah.
He's going to have a real shot.
These guys are not going to like it because you haven't.
You set up Biden to fall.
Kamala, nobody likes.
So then what happens?
You have another whole 2020 primary style.
See who wins if you get Biden out of there.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Situation sucks.
You might have to go over there and try to figure it out.
Oh, no.
Us.
Oh, no.
You think?
You think we'll do it?
I think we figured out.
You could at least get the airline thing figured out.
Also jumping on the airplane.
Like, you have like, you know.
Schultz 2032.
I've been saying this, bro.
Fuck this.
Fuck all that.
Fuck that.
No, I think you just go and try to straighten up the airplane.
And do what?
I don't know.
You just like to yell at people on airplanes.
I feel like you kind of got like your airplane situation figured out.
All these people hanging on the outside.
You just be like, yo, like, chill, put your mask on.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You can straighten them up.
I would straighten them up.
He's PJ Schultzy now, so it doesn't matter.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, we're only on the private jet from now on.
That's what it is.
Sorry, guys.
Sometimes semi-private, but it doesn't matter.
Yeah, exactly.
Who's counting?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Who's counting?
So shared indoorspace is what we got.
What else we got?
What else we got?
All right.
PJ Washington.
Those names?
Speaking of PJs.
Private Jet Washington had a very public.
Yeah, so it was like PJ Washington was dating this famous thought named Brittany Renner.
This is the girl that wrote the tell-all book about everybody she slept with.
She's superhead for this generation.
Oh, yeah.
She's a new superhead.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
Also, time of peace.
Yeah, kind of, kind of.
And so she was with this basketball player, PJ Washington.
I believe he plays for the Washington Wizards.
And she gets pregnant.
Baby comes out.
I think a month after.
Yeah.
Divorces him.
And now allegedly is going to get $200,000 a month in child support.
And then videos popped up of her back in the day saying, if you really want to come up off a check, just get pregnant by an NBA player or by an athlete because they never want to wear commoms.
Yeah, they're stupid.
They're stupid.
They're the easiest one's a trick and yada yada yada.
So people are putting these things together and they're saying, oh my God, she totally tricked him.
She was never into him.
In the first place, she just got up a check and the second the baby came out.
She was like, you want to pay me for the rest of this baby's life?
Yep.
Now, there is some discrepancy in terms of how much she's going to be making a month on this, but $200,000 a month sounds absolutely ridiculous.
How much is that for 18 years?
I mean, 43 million, I think.
Wow, that was great man.
No, I think I saw it somewhere.
I saw it somewhere, and I think it was $43 million.
Take credit for that shit, bro.
Come on.
Because then you ask me, if you asked me to calculate, I'd be like, but it is kind of fucking crazy, man.
I have a feeling that that's not how much it is.
And I also have a feeling like, you know, if you're going to be like an open thought, you've got some emotional issues.
Oh, yeah, dude.
And who knows?
Maybe PJ Washington's got some emotional issues.
Like, people getting divorced, especially people in public relationships, is not rare.
This happens all the goddamn time.
I don't like to go at this that she has some like diabolical plan to get nutted in by some basketball player and then just collect checks for the rest of her life.
That is maybe what happened.
How old is he though?
22.
22.
She's 27.
She got some.
And how long have they been together?
Maybe you could say she groomed him.
I think some people were trying to say that.
I mean, come on, grow up, bro.
Can you groom an adult?
No, you're going to say that shit for women.
You can say this girl got groomed.
But you get groomed when you're underage.
Like, he's 22 years old.
Like, you got to take some accountability.
Like, I ain't doing that shit with dudes, bro.
You got grooms.
You got groomed.
You were literally a groom.
She groomed your ass.
Okay.
And that's why you're paying $200,000 a month because you let this bitch go.
Yeah, I got groomed this past July.
I got groomed.
Yeah, I got groomed.
Yeah.
So I bought a fake TV, you know?
I got groomed.
I wasn't gypped, you know?
I wasn't an idiot.
I wasn't a mark.
I got groomed.
You got groomed, you know?
So that's why it is.
It's like, come on, dudes.
You should know better than this.
And if she convinced, I don't know.
My assumption, I actually think that they got along.
It worked out.
All of a sudden, she gets pregnant.
She's different.
Who knows what he was doing?
Maybe he was doing some wild shit.
Nobody talking about that.
Yeah, because her history is she sucks.
Yeah.
This is the girl that wrote the fucking Colin Kaepernick had sex with me, but he wouldn't pay for my flights over.
And like, who gives a fuck?
Oh, that's right.
King.
Yo, real king.
Yeah, this guy's a hero.
Yo, that is a real fucking king.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's an interesting conversation that nobody's talking about right now is Kaepernick going to get vaxxed?
Oh, no, dog.
He took a knee on that vaccine, I bet.
Because that's a tricky one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?
Because now he got to agree with all the people who hated him.
Right?
Oh, if he doesn't get the vax.
If he doesn't get vaxxed, if he's anti-vex, now he's got some common ground with all the people that hated him for taking a knee.
I don't think he has a problem having common ground with them, though.
I think they might have a problem having common ground with him.
You don't think that he has a problem having common ground with the people?
If it's just, if it's like, oh, we share medical views, I don't think he cares.
Right, right.
I think if it's political views, maybe.
It would be funny, though, if he came out super anti-vex and now all the people that hate him have a real fucking quandary on their hands.
We support this guy?
Burn my jersey.
What do I do?
He's about to be their hero.
And Nike going to collect.
Oh, dog, 100%.
He got to come out as anti-vaxx strongly.
Nike make that fucking jersey.
Just don't do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We got to do it.
We got to see, man.
That'd be an interesting thing.
But yeah, the Britney Renner thing, I don't know, man.
Did we stop nothing in these girls, bro?
43 million over 18 years.
That's what it is.
I don't think it's that.
I don't think she's going to get that.
But still, like, what the fuck?
I mean, what the fuck?
Yeah.
I mean, I guess you're a 21-year-old basketball player.
These guys are like... Fucking a bad bitch.
I think they were together for a while.
Also, like, these guys are idiots mostly.
She's right.
Like, he just, you're a professional basketball player.
You've just been coddled your entire fucking life.
You know, ever since you're in high school, you're the superstar.
Well, I think there's a shift.
You go from not being coddled, having the shittiest life ever, which sucks super hard.
And then all of a sudden, incredibly coddled.
Everyone loves you.
You're like the hero of your town.
Yeah.
And then you have to do that transition in like eight months.
Yeah, but I think that starts earlier now that I think there was a time when that was what it was like, like when people were undiscovered even until college.
Yeah.
But I think now, because there's so much money in basketball.
Make college money and shit.
Even college money before that.
Like I think there are people that are out there scouting you in middle school.
Yeah.
Like you are hooping in middle school.
They know that you're nice.
You're going to all the basketball camps and they're all the same camps.
Everybody has some social media presence that's popping.
There's high schoolers with millions of followers.
Exactly.
That doesn't change the fact that you got abused by your mom or like your dad wasn't there when you were eight or whatever.
So I don't know if that's the case.
Is that the case with him?
I don't know.
I mean, he could be some rich kid for all we fucking know.
Right.
So it's like, but you're in that situation where most of these guys, they don't develop any real social skills.
And that's going to fuck a relationship up too.
Like if you just had your ass kissed your whole life and now all of a sudden you got a girl and then she's telling you what to do, you're like, why are you telling me things?
People just kiss my ass.
I haven't booked a single flight.
I don't book where I eat dinner.
I just got tons of money.
I can spend it wherever the fuck I want.
I am the man, and you're treating me like I'm not.
That's going to create a riff in a relationship, don't you think?
Like, that's going to be hard to be with.
Now, I'm not saying this is his fault, but we're automatically looking at this girl who is thoughtting it around for a while and sleeping with a lot of celebs and writing fucking books about it.
We're automatically looking about like, she's the one who planned this whole fucking thing.
We don't know.
No.
He could be a social ninca poop.
He could have no clue how to maintain a relationship.
True.
And why would these guys?
Why would they even have a relationship?
It's not shocking the first relationship that an NBA player gets into and has a kid gets fucked up.
That's not shocking to me.
You out there on the road, you could be getting pussy and shit.
This is the tricky thing about putting your whole life online.
She's like, I put my pussy on ice for you, and you just started cheating on me with other groupie.
I'm a groupie.
You have both.
You have groupie pussy and wife pussy.
This is the best of both worlds.
This is the danger.
And you fucked it up.
The dangerous thing about putting your whole life online is now you've given everybody context for who you are.
Yeah.
Her context is she sucks.
Yeah.
He didn't do that.
I mean, he probably does, but he's not big on social media, so we don't know any of his context.
He's just a guy.
So it's very easy when her context sucks to pay her as a piece of shit and him as a sweet kid.
Way more evidence against her.
Yeah, there's way more evidence against her.
And it's also the internet wants to hate her more.
Why would you hate him?
You know, he's the guy that you would love to be.
You'd love to be in the NBA and have an $85 million contract or $43 million, whatever the fuck he got, right?
And the girl that you hate the most is this gold-digging bitch.
Yeah.
Because you hate women like that because they're the ones that rejected you because you ain't got no gold to dig.
So of course the internet is going to go crazy over this.
And if you're a woman, you're like, man, this girl got paid for doing nothing.
I'm over here.
I got to work double shit at Wendy's.
And this girl's getting paid $200,000 a month.
To just sit in her fucking ass.
Work out, whatever it is.
So we don't know what it is.
We don't know the whole situation, but I don't know, man.
Like, I think a lot of people don't realize a lot of these athletes are just like, they do not have the social skills.
They're not good with girls.
They're like uncomfortable and awkward around girls.
They got no free time.
Like, they're literally spending all day working out, fucking doing their shit.
That's it.
And when they're not, they're just hanging out with their buddies.
Playing video games.
They're nerds.
It's not like it was back in the day.
Back in the day, you still had to be kind of cool kid in the neighborhood.
You might have come from like a rough situation.
You might have even been, if you like, really from the hood, you might have even been banging right up until you went to college.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, so it's like you were still trying to get pussy on the side.
And these girls didn't give a fuck that you were in high school playing back.
They didn't know you were going to go to the NBA.
Now they know.
And every girl in your high school goes, he's going to the NBA.
Yeah.
If you think the Ball brothers didn't have groupies in high school, you got your goddamn mind.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you think LeBron didn't have groupies in high school, you got your goddamn mind.
You were a superstar since you were 16 years old, probably.
Right?
So.
Yeah.
Should every NBA team just have like a team therapist?
They do.
Are they required to go to see them?
They do.
They're not required, but the smart ones actually go and they get something from you.
I'm like, if you're required to go to the gym, you got to be required to get your mental and your emotional figured out.
And that's, to be honest, that's on the GMs.
Yeah.
Every, the thing is that he's not, I don't want to say not good enough, but he's not successful enough of a player to have like a handler.
Right.
He's not making a huge game impact.
But every player on the team that's like big time has a handler.
Right.
They have a personal guy who's there to make sure they have everything they need.
Right.
Plus a personal agent.
Plus a personal agent on that side.
But somebody, too.
He'll like take care of shit if you need it.
This girl giving me this problem.
Hey, this girl won't leave my hotel room.
Got it.
Don't worry about it.
We'll work on it.
And they're there as a liaison for the team.
Now, sometimes it's an assistant coach.
Sometimes it's somebody outside the organization.
But the worse you are, the less people care about you on the team.
Yep.
Simple as that.
So he probably didn't have somebody on the team going, yo, I just want to let you know that this chick has been around a little bit.
So you should be careful.
Like Dirk, you know, remember when Dirk got caught up in that shit?
Yeah, dude.
So they were telling that they had a team.
They had a guy on a team.
The Mavs had a guy on a team that told Dirk, the deal with the girl.
Be careful.
Yeah.
But he was caught up in that black pussy for the first time.
It's a German kid.
You know what I mean?
He never had that Southern Black pussy.
It's a different game.
Okay?
So it didn't work.
But afterwards, there was a lot of trust that was built because the guy basically warned him.
Right.
So do not get got.
Yeah.
Also, this is why I don't believe what you said about him not being that good is why I have trouble with $200,000 a year.
Because that's $43 million over the course of the 18 years.
We don't know he's going to make $43 million in contracts, period.
Yeah, and then it changes, right?
Like if his contract, like they don't re-sign him after three years or he's out the league after three years, then it's just the percentage of your income.
Okay.
Okay.
I mean, that'd be impossible to maintain.
Yeah.
Like you have to play in the NBA for the next 18 years.
Yeah.
200,000 a month is 2.4 in child support a year.
Yeah.
I don't know what he's probably making.
2019, 2020 season, he made 3.8.
Yeah.
So that seems crazy.
It's not accurate.
It's not accurate.
But who knows, man?
Free PJ Washington.
Yeah.
What about Kelly Clarkson's husband?
What is he getting?
He's getting paid out by Kelly Clarkson.
Oh, their prenup held up.
She had a prenup.
That's not her.
You got onto the prenup.
Don't be upset at that shit.
You decided to have.
You think he was the one that sprung the prenup?
Well, apparently her number, from what I'm understanding, was higher than the prenup that he got awarded.
And then she was able to be like, nah, I got the fucking prenup onto the prenup.
Kind of like Dr. Trey Nicole.
Oh, he's a bitch-ass dude then.
Yeah.
Why are you trying to get more?
You signed a payment.
You're not a prenup, cuck.
No, you're a bitch-ass dude.
$150,000 in spousal support plus $450,000, $45,000 in child support every month.
So he's getting $200,000 from Kelly Clarkson a month.
Yeah, dude.
That's crazy.
That's the settlement number?
Yeah, I don't know if that's monthly.
Yeah, nearly $200,000 a month.
That's crazy.
Child support.
How dare you want more, dude?
Yeah.
I want to be like, yeah, finally, we got it back, but you are a loser.
Yeah.
You are a loser.
The only way I can support this is if he worked for her in some capacity.
If he was some sort of like side manager, you know, sometimes like eventually you just, your business becomes so big that it is more lucrative for you to have your family working for you than them working regular jobs.
Like, for example, let's say he was not exactly the manager, but the day-to-day, what do they call it, the PM or something like that?
He's like operations guy or something.
Something like that, right?
Like, and you would pay your operations manager $200,000 a year anyway.
Your husband has a skill set that's going to make him $75,000 a year.
Just do that.
Now he gets fired because you're no longer together.
So what is he supposed to do?
He gave up his life so he could work with you.
$150,000 a month or a year.
It's close to $200,000 a month, according to.
You know who he is?
He's the dark knight.
He's not the hero we want, but he's the hero we need.
We need more of these dudes to get over on these girls so women start being like, yo, what the fuck, dude?
Yeah.
This is bullshit.
This spousal support.
We need more of these guys.
We don't respect him, but we need him.
I mean, look, if that's the prenup, I'm okay.
Y'all made an agreement.
Yeah.
I'm cool with it.
100%.
And she should be cool with it, too.
Yeah.
But if you're asking for more than the agreement, you are a bitch-ass dude.
Go get a job, you loser.
Make some fucking money.
Provide for your family.
What a pathetic motherfucker to just get a check.
He's also wife.
He's also going to get paid enough.
Say again.
He's also going to get paid enough.
You know what I mean?
It's not like the prenup was like $20,000 a year.
He's getting paid.
I think the prenup was crazy money.
Why do you get more spousal support than child support?
That's crazy.
Yeah, I don't know why.
Support yourself, motherfucker.
Yeah.
Maybe the kids are older.
I don't know.
But yeah, he sought $400,000 in espousal support.
Oh, he's a piece of shit.
Yeah.
Oh, he's a real piece of shit.
Yeah.
I mean, what a loser, dude.
Yeah, absolutely.
What an absolute fucking loser.
What's this guy's name?
Let me check right here.
Brandon Blackstock.
Yeah, no, you're a loser, Brandon Blackstock.
You're a fucking loser.
Go get a job, make some money, dude.
There's something about a man getting a handout that is pathetic.
I don't respect it.
Being said, I'll take that PPP loan.
No, but you know what I'm saying?
Like, it's something, ugh, imagine every month.
Here's your allowance.
I would sign the check, your allowance.
I think that Kelly Clarkson should be able to put the check in whatever way she wants.
The memo, the memo should say baby's allowance.
Baby's allowance.
Here's baby's allowance.
Enjoy.
Wow.
Ugh.
Disgusting.
Are you kidding me?
$150,000?
You got to pay a month?
Wow.
It's just balling.
All right.
What else we got?
Pathetic Men Getting Handouts00:02:19
Oh, you heard about this nurse in Germany?
No, what's going on?
Okay, so it was a nurse in Germany.
We don't know yet.
Last I checked if it was politically motivated or if she just like dropped like a ton of vials of the vaccine.
Yeah.
We don't know if it's one or the other or both, but she injected 8,000 Germans with saline solution instead of vaccine.
So now they're having to go back through and figure out everybody she might have injected with vaccine.
And you don't know for sure if it was vaccine or actual saline or actual vaccine.
And they are having to come in and get re-vaccinated.
So I think 2,400 so far or something have been re-vaccinated, but like you don't know.
Time will tell if this woman is a hero or a villain.
Because if the vaccine ends up, you know, causing fucking cancer or doing something crazy and she gave 8,000 people saline, that's a lot of lies.
She's the Corey Tenboom of vaccine.
Who's that?
She hit a bunch of Jews in Germany.
Oh.
So she's like, Schindler, this is Schindler's list.
Oh, my God.
But if she ends up killing these motherfuckers because they all get delta out here, then she's Hitler.
Then she's Hitler.
Schindler's vaccine.
Oh my God.
This is really interesting.
We got to keep tabs on this story.
The motive of the nurse who was not named was not clear, but she had aired skeptical views about vaccines in social media posts.
No, she was anti-vaxxer.
How do you not check a person's background if they're going to be administering the vaccine?
Like, just go through their social media in the past two months and just see what they're saying about it.
Yeah, I don't want anti-war general.
How fucking hard is that?
I don't want a general that's like a pacifist.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, I don't care.
You're not busy.
You're hospital administrative.
You're not busy like fucking frontline workers.
You're backline.
This is all you got to do.
Let's just see what this bitch thinks.
This is free health care.
Yo, enjoy that shit.
This is free health care.
This is what you get.
You know what else?
It's free saline.
Exactly.
She ain't causing nothing.
You get some sugar water in your shoulder.
Yo, I want to know all like the husbands whose wife was complaining about the vaccine.
She's like, I just feel super sick.
Like, I can't do it.
We can't have sex tonight.
I just have a terrible headache.
And he's like, he's like, bitch, you lied the whole time.
And she's like, no, it was a saline reaction, I think.
It's also going to be real.
Like, you know, people were like, dude, I got the vaccine.
I barely even felt it.
I was like, yeah.
For a rude awakening, yeah.
Fuck, man.
A bunch of those people are probably anti-vaxxed now.
They're like, this vaccine didn't do anything.
I got COVID twice.
My grandma died.
This vaccine sucks.
Free Saline For Backline Workers00:10:55
Yeah.
Oh, word.
She could have killed thousands of people.
They're going to have to go through and see all these patients.
And if they gave COVID to anybody and any of those people died, their murder, she's responsible for it.
Because the reason I just remember this, I completely forgot.
But I think the reason that I got the vaccine is so I could see my parents.
I just felt so horrible that I could give them the virus and it would kill them.
And oh my God, so many people probably got the vaccine for the same reason, went to go visit their old-ass parents.
Merck, Merck.
Finally.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
That's the name of one of the pharmaceutical companies in Germany is Merck.
So what a horrible name.
Wow.
Okay.
Last story.
Robin is bisexual.
Let's go.
This is one Robin, I believe, that this is like in the multiverse.
Yeah, I think so.
He's bi.
I kind of always felt that, though.
What does that mean?
Yeah, we always thought Robin was gay.
So bi is actually less progressive.
Progressive, yeah.
What is, but what's the deal?
Like, why?
What's why, why is this an announcement?
She said, I read the author said something to the effect of like, you know, I just started, the character just started speaking for himself.
That shit is so funny.
I just let the words come out of his mouth, and he was bisexual.
Yeah, that's such a weird way.
Yeah, that's bad.
Only a fucking writer would say something that's stupid.
But what is it?
Like, why do you see him hooking up with guys and girls?
He accepts a date from a guy.
Yes.
That's it.
Yeah.
But at that point, I'm like, just make him gay.
Why does he have a storyline?
Is it a Robin?
Is it a Robin comic?
Or is he within Batman?
I think he's within Batman.
Cut it.
Just cut it.
Why does he have a storyline?
Nobody cares about Robin.
Because you got to come out with issues all the time, these comic books.
When did Marvel become so fucking woke?
This is DC.
DC.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
When did comics become so woke?
I don't know.
Comic books, comic comics, comedians.
Yeah, there's also a history of comic books also.
They've been like anti-war, anti-war.
They dealt with AIDS things before.
There's like some anti-capitalism shit.
Really?
Yeah, comics have always been a little bit on the progressive front.
I mean, these comics written by nerdy-ass, scrawny Jews and like wish fulfillment of like being bullied, moving to America from Nazis.
That's what they also have.
Also, I think a woke person would write a much better bad guy.
Someone who's not woke, this guy's going to be a piece of shit.
Thanos is an ill-ass bad guy because you're like, I kind of have empathy for this guy.
The way he's written, you have whoever created Thanos had empathy for another bad guy.
Let's make a bad guy that's a little bit complex.
He just has a plan that doesn't, it's not the worst plan you've ever heard to fix everything.
It's a solution.
Daredevil, I remember watching that Marvel show that it wasn't great, but the bad guy was great because you really like empathize with him.
Kingpin, he came from like a fucking shit home and they really paint his picture in a way that gives you empathy for him.
Only a woke person is going to do that.
Why?
Because a conservative, like not woke person, doesn't have any empathy for a criminal.
It's a criminal.
Kill him.
I don't give a fuck.
But what if you get the conservative to write that character as if they're the hero and then just take the script away from them?
So it's like, it's like, what is the best way to solve world hunger?
Well, if we just had half the people, then there'd be twice as much food and then people wouldn't be hungry.
Thank you very much.
That'd be great.
We'll just finish this off here.
That's what you do.
That's what you got to do.
You get the extreme conservative to write the villains as if they're heroes.
That's what they do with the Red School.
Go.
They got a conservative.
They're like, all right, who's the good guy?
They're like, I think Jordan Peterson.
We're going to make him like, he's going to reach out to young men.
He's going to help them.
He's going to change their lives.
And they're like, okay, we'll take that.
Tommy Easy Coates was like, he's a bad guy.
Yeah.
Oh, that's the strategy.
You got to write the villain as if he's the hero.
Yeah.
And that's why it works.
You can look at every single one.
I bet you Kingpin was some like real estate mogul just trying to revitalize Hell's Kitchen, right?
Like this is a shitty neighborhood.
We got to bring it back.
We got to get rid of the.
We got to get rid of the riffraff.
What are we doing?
There's so much.
You got fucking bird scooters everywhere.
Almost crackheads.
That's interesting.
Take it away.
We like the Joker.
I'm not a bad guy.
The Joker.
Yeah.
The Joker.
I'm still.
It's like.
I don't really know why he's good, but people love him.
People love the Joker.
Yeah.
Yeah, but yeah.
It's almost like a conservative didn't write that one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just too crazy.
But people still love him, though.
Yeah, we do love him.
Why is he so fucking great?
He's the best.
It's pure chaos.
No motive, no nothing.
And that's for Kraken.
He's romantic.
There's a romantic idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there's something really intoxicating about somebody who doesn't want anything but chaos.
He loves his craft.
Yeah.
I still remember the line from The Dark Knight, Gotham deserves a better class of criminal, I think is what he says.
And he just burns the money and it's like, man, that's fucking cool.
He's unreasonable, non-negotiable.
I want it.
He's a purist.
Yeah, well, Batman and the Joker respect each other.
Well, they have like the perfect relationship because the Joker stops once Batman breaks his cook.
So it's like, if Batman, all the Joker wants is for Batman to break.
Yeah.
He's just like, I want you to prove that you're full of shit.
Yeah.
So you just kill me and I'll stop.
I won't do anything.
Just kill somebody.
I just want you to kill.
And Batman's like, I can't kill.
So he could stop the Joker immediately.
Yeah.
All you got to do is just kill him.
Yeah.
He just refuses.
He's kind of selfish, bro.
Real stupid.
He is selfish.
Real fucking retard this guy.
Just kill him.
Yeah, yeah, dude.
He won't do it.
And nobody would care.
Nobody knows who you are.
You're saving lives.
You're saving way more lives this way.
Maybe Batman's gay.
You say what?
Maybe Batman's gay.
Yeah, like constantly flaunting.
Like, oh, look how many women I'm on a yacht with.
He's closeted.
Super gay.
He's a pretty good closet.
He wears the mascara and shit all over.
How's he so rich?
Gay.
Gay.
Dueling.
Dual income.
No kidding.
Him and Alfred.
Him and Alfred.
And what?
That's a very common relationship with gays, right?
You have like the older man kind of mentorship.
And he was an orphan, so Alfin groomed him up.
Groomed him.
Groomed him up.
Whoa.
He won't eat pussy.
He gay.
He definitely won't eat pussy.
Catwoman, he wasn't about it.
No, he remember they tried to have him go down on the girl and they said something like superheroes don't do that?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Don't eat pussy, Batman.
Yeah, remember that when the character is speaking for himself, and then you cut that shit out?
Do you remember that?
Now Robin's over here smoking cocks.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
Make Robin full gay.
That's what I want.
Yeah, just go all.
Why is he bi?
Like, that's so soft.
Yeah.
I guess his name has bi in it.
But other than that, there's no other reason why he shouldn't be full gay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why aren't they making him full fucking gay?
Yeah.
Gotta go gay, man.
There's no gay superheroes.
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe they wanted to represent everybody to be more inclusive.
Yeah.
But there's no gay superheroes.
Start there.
Yeah.
And do they not know that we consider bi people gay?
They got to pretend we don't.
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah.
Like when anybody says to you, yeah, I'm bi, you're like, oh, you're gay.
But unless it's a girl.
And then you're like, oh, you're straight.
You just like attention.
Isn't that crazy?
Like, bi girls, we think are straight and want attention.
Bi dudes, we're like, you are gay.
Yeah, you're in denial.
And you're in denial, full denial.
Yeah.
Wow.
I mean, let's, I mean, do you guys believe in bi for guys?
Yeah.
Yeah, probably.
Nah.
I don't.
Wait, why?
Because if you were, I think you would just choose the side that was easiest for your life.
So then they hook up with guys.
No, girls.
Societally.
It's easier to hook up with guys.
Way by scrutiny.
Yeah, but societally.
But if you're like, oh, I'm trying to get my dick sucked.
I'll get from a guy or a girl.
You can get a guy to do it yesterday.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, but the same thing.
Maybe you just want your odds to be the highest.
Yeah, 100%.
I think that that could exist.
But I think most of your day is not spent fucking.
Yeah.
Right?
Most of your day is, you know, you're at work, you have a friend group, you have your family, and all them could reject you if you're gay.
Right?
So you're like, I don't want to give up all that for some shit I only half like.
I like it just as much as other shit.
You know what I mean?
It's like somebody asked me, you want to eat bread or rice?
And I'm like, hold on, the rice, I am way skinnier.
I'm going to go rice.
Right?
It was easy for me to give up bread.
I love bread.
I'm bye.
I am by for bread.
Yeah.
But I was able to give it up because my life was way easier if I just live the right, if I just eat the rice.
So then they're real.
Say what?
I'm a baguette.
I love some baguettes, bro.
Why don't we call girls baguettes?
You said that.
Oh, I have?
Okay, good.
That's why I said it.
Callback said fucking two years ago.
My bad.
But yeah, that's, I mean, this is just such a no-brainer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Robin's gay, dude.
Robin's gay.
And by gay, I mean by.
Do you think that he won't come out as full gay because he's worried what Batman will think?
Yeah.
That's really what it is.
100%.
That's what it is.
He doesn't want to let Batman down.
Yeah.
You know, Batman just thinks he's gay.
Batman's like, bro, you've been gay from the junk.
That's why I taught you karate so you could defend yourself, bro.
Do something.
I mean, you wear underwear outside your pants for a reason, dude.
Yeah.
Come on.
Your butthole covered, dude.
I know you put some fucking zip tie in there so you could open up that giggy hole anytime.
That man wears heights.
Robin wears full-ass pantyhose.
He does wear pantyhose.
Yeah.
Some little bitch-ass shit for no reason about it.
No reason.
And a cape.
Whoa.
Yeah, Robin, dude.
Gymnastics?
Come on, Don.
Oh, is that what he came from?
Yeah.
No, no, from the trappes.
From the trapeze at the circus.
He's a circus kid?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a freak.
But theater kids are always gay.
That makes sense.
Yeah, but he's not theater.
He's a carnival kid.
He's a freak.
He's a carnival skid.
Yeah, it is basically the same thing.
Is it?
Are we talking Circle Slayer?
Are we talking Traveling Carneys?
Is Robin Asian?
No.
Well, he does wear a mask.
He does wear a mask.
He's a mask over his eyes.
Oh, my God, dude.
We don't know what he is.
I keep thinking of him as Dark Knight Robin.
He does have that Asian haircut with the side part all the way over.
He's fucking Asian, dude.
You don't think of a Chris O'Donnell?
What?
The George Clooney Batman?
Robin?
Don't consider it.
The only Robin that I know is the one from Dark Knight.
What's that actor?
Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Joseph Gordon Levitt.
That's the only one I know.
He never got to be Robin.
Say again?
He never got to be Robin.
I know they tease that shit a little bit.
Yeah.
Definitely not gay.
But this Robin, gay Asian, 100%.
Not bi.
Gay Asian.
Full-on gay Asian.
And they got to let him tell his story.
Yeah.
They're trying to suppress his.
Let him write his own story.
Yeah, they're trying to let him be palatable.
And he's gay, so he'll write a good story, probably.
Bro, if you were bi, though, as an Asian.
Come on now.
No.
Come on now.
I'm saying a bi Asian, like the ladyboys is just the ideal situation for you, right?
Oh, yeah.
It is best of both worlds.
Serve it up.
The hottest girls that have cocks.
Let Him Write His Own Story00:01:14
Yes.
Everything you want.
Maybe he's not bi.
He's just been around so many ladyboys.
He's just like, whoa.
They know what they're doing.
This is the life.
This is the life.
100%.
Served up on a T for him.
Right there.
Testosterone.
Yeah.
Full T. Wow, man.
Robin is full gay.
I'm happy for him.
Me too.
Shouts to you, Robin.
I hope your character keeps speaking, bro.
What a stupid fucking thing.
Guys, utility belt.
He's ready to party, dude.
Yeah, he is.
Okay.
Guys, is there anything else before we get out of here?
I don't think so.
I think we're out of here.
Yo, guys, thank y'all so much for listening.
We appreciate you.
We love you.
And we'll see you on Patreon, patreon.com/slash flagrant2.
We will see you this Friday.
Sorry about the, if the visuals aren't up to par.
Once again, we were completely abandoned by Alex Media, and we thought that he would do some sort of due diligence to maintain the quality of this show.
I bet you the quality of the WTF media shows are doing just fine without us.