Mike Cannon and hosts dissect the Super Bowl, Trump's performative politics, and Shakira's halftime show before critiquing comedy club logistics. They analyze Brendan Sagalow's controversial special, reflect on Kobe Bryant's legacy versus LeBron James' grief, and debate pilot error in helicopter crashes. The conversation shifts to psychedelic experiences, toxic family dynamics, and skepticism toward modern activism, gender identity, and conspiracy theories regarding 9/11 and Sandy Hook, ultimately questioning societal narratives around trauma and empowerment. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Shakira vs Kansas City00:14:49
What up, everybody?
Real quick, if you're watching on YouTube, yeah, you see something a little different.
We out here in LA.
Akash saying myself.
We're at the Fighter and Kids studios because we need a place to do it.
And the good people over here, the Fighter and the Kid always provide good looks.
Appreciate you, Brendan.
If you guys don't know about the Fighter and the Kid, make sure you check it out.
Brandon Shaw, Brian Callan, Chin, Cat, got a great, great podcast, so go peep that.
A little bit later, in a few minutes, we're going to have our episode with Mike Cannon, Hilarious Comic in New York.
Great time.
But one thing that we did was record that before the Super Bowl.
And Akash, and I thought it was only right to the assholes out there that we provide some Super Bowl commentary.
Hell yeah.
So, Akash, you predicted this Chiefs victory.
Is that right?
Yeah, I didn't think they'd win by 11, but I thought it'd be close.
And I thought the Chiefs had a better shot of winning than the Niners did.
Right.
Because of Patrick Mahomes versus Jimmy Garoppolo.
Yeah, they kind of exposed Garoppolo.
Did you see that pick going around where his eyes were closed throwing the I think there, maybe it was him or another quarterback or there's a weird thing?
Oh, no, it's a tennis player that every time they hit the ball, they close their eyes.
But maybe that's the thing with Garoppolo, where he just like, he locks on them throws, and then it's just some weird tick where he blinks.
But yeah, I don't know, man.
I think once he got knocked around a little bit in the fourth quarter, you saw him struggle.
Yeah, he got skirted.
Yeah.
He got a little skirt.
And it was happening to Mahomes, too, until that long, that third and 15 changed everything.
He grabbed his balls and went for it, bro.
Yeah, he played like a real fucking man because he was struggling that first half.
Yep.
First three and a half quarters, really.
Yeah, he went for it.
Yeah, he really fucking went for it.
I thought it was a good game.
It was a great game.
I enjoyed the game.
I'm glad Reed got one because that totally changes the business.
You don't know who Reed is.
Andy Reid is the coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.
Yo, can we back this up for a second?
Did you know that Kansas City was in Kansas?
Sorry, in Missouri.
Is everybody's making fun of Trump about this tweet?
You saw that tweet?
Most of y'all didn't know.
Y'all didn't know that he, that that's where it is.
And also, why is it?
Yo, didn't we?
Why is it?
Why is Kansas City not in Kansas?
Does anybody know that?
Didn't somebody come on this podcast and explain it to us?
Jeremiah Watkins explained it to us, I'm pretty sure.
I've been to both.
I heard the Missouri one is lit and the Kansas one is trash.
How you don't even have the best Kansas City?
How Kansas City don't even have the best Kansas City?
It's just, it's crazy.
So it's like, it's not crazy for him to think that it's in Kansas because most of y'all just found out about that today, right?
Yeah.
I mean, did you think for the longest time that that's where it was?
I would hear it's in Missouri and then I forget it's in Missouri because it's called Kansas City.
Yeah.
And there's no other thing I could think of.
Mexico City is not in motherfucking Argentina.
That's a fact.
I mean, it's in Mexico.
Exactly.
Right?
Yeah.
What else?
New York, New York, not in fucking...
New York is in New York.
New York City is in New York.
It's not New Jersey.
The only confusing one is Washington, D.C., but they got a D.C. at the end.
It's not Washington City.
Washington.
He's the president of the United States.
That is the basic minimum of what he should know.
Hey, hey.
He's not the president of the fucking National Football League.
Al, he's not the president of geography.
Son.
Okay?
He's a human being.
I don't know about that either.
Wow.
That's a stretch.
I'll be honest.
If I was him, I'd say, first thing we're doing to make America great again, we're going to put Kansas City back in Kansas.
That's what I would do.
That's what I'm him.
You'll get my vote.
Real talk, I go, hey, I got one more thing I'm adding to the platform this year.
Kansas City, going back where it's supposed to be.
You're not going to take other fucking state cities.
So I was one of the ones making fun of him because I did.
And we look like we're in a MAGA hat.
Son.
I did know it was Missouri.
Yeah.
But then I show Mark the tweet this morning.
Yeah.
And he's like, what's wrong with it?
Marcus Franz.
This guy's not even from America.
So then I felt less.
I was like, okay.
People can make this mistake.
Like, he really looked at it.
Like, he studied for a while.
He's like, I don't think I got it at first either.
He was looking for like a confifi.
You were looking for a spelling mistake.
A lot of people still don't know what's wrong with that tweet.
We're a racist now.
I was looking for some racist.
First of all, we don't do that anymore.
Anymore.
There's no more races.
Yo, how about that Trump commercial, yo?
What do you say?
Oh, you didn't see the Trump commercial during the Super Bowl?
Oh, I did.
Son, that Alice Johnson shit?
No, what is that?
I didn't say that.
It was talked about how Alice Johnson was a teacher who taught for 30 years and was wrongfully imprisoned, blah, blah, blah.
They showed this old black lady and they said President Trump pardoned her.
And then they have her going, I just want to say thank you to President Donald John Trump.
And it's just like other candidates are talking about reform.
Donald Trump is actually doing it.
It was so fucking funny.
Just show the black woman that Trump freed.
Say you're welcome.
She's on death row or something.
Al, say you're welcome.
Thank you, Kim Kardashian.
That's really how he made that.
So he just went straight, we're going to help black people.
Yeah, I help, but not even we're going to, I help black people.
I help black people.
Yeah.
Does he think that they're all watching the Super Bowl?
Probably.
Probably thinks they're playing in it, to be honest with you.
Oh, what was that sound?
That's the cup holder.
Oh, shit.
That shit got real pop.
But in all seriousness, we have to admit, we have to admit that one, Al, prison reform.
Think about it.
Don't you want him?
Don't you?
Should be prison reform.
Yes, I do.
Okay, then.
All right.
That's number one you agree with Trump on.
Joe, you not.
He's not doing prison reform.
He's just partying a few people.
Change the system.
No, change the system.
Once you change the system, then he's changing the system.
The system's less black.
Son, hold on.
Wait a minute.
He made it less black.
Son, he freed a girl.
Women don't do crime.
He freed a girl.
Women don't do crime.
Have you heard of Johnny Depp's ex?
This murderous bitch?
What's her name?
What she did?
Amber Herbert.
Amber happened.
Amber Heard.
He heard stories about Amirna.
He cut his fucking finger off, dog.
Damn there.
That's not a full cut.
Hey, listen, if your girl cuts some shit off of you, you deserved it.
Like, for letting her do it.
The Lorena Bobbitt, you got a case.
What was your argument?
Like, if you let your girl cut a fucking finger off of you and you ain't fucking, you know what I mean?
Like, low-key, that might be the most maggoty-ass shit I've ever heard in my entire conversation.
You let your girl get close to you, close enough to you with a knife, and she actually snips on it.
That bitch caught you?
Son, slow ass.
And you're going to try to stop your girl with a knife like this?
Like, hey, Halt.
Excuse me.
It ain't a wand.
You know what I mean?
You know how to fucking hair.
Son, I got 30 pages left of that book.
That shit is fire, yo.
Last one.
Deathly Hallows?
Deathly Shallows?
It is hot, yo.
Hell, Al, you read them books?
No, I don't read.
Son.
Come on, Trump's trying to change that too, bro.
You haven't seen this?
What'd he do?
He's trying to make black people read again.
He got a start.
He did that spelling mistake.
He's like, see, got you reading.
That's how he fleshed that shit up.
Anyway, look, we're not going to do this too long because we got a great episode with my man Mike Cannon, a good buddy of ours, got a special out.
But any other thoughts about Super Bowl?
I didn't think Patty Mahomes should have got MVP.
Who do you think should have got MVP?
I think the running back, Damian Williams.
What about Shakira's?
Shakira Beast, yo.
That's Latina Beyonce, yo.
Son.
Son, stop.
Son.
Bruh, the way I'm not even, she does look great, but even like as a performer, I never thought, I thought Beyonce was the only one who could dance and hold voice like that.
I don't think she was lip-syncing.
Yes, she was.
They both were.
No, they weren't.
I don't think so, yo.
Oh, why are you doing this?
Because when she's crying, here's the Super Bowl, everybody lip syncs.
No, Beyonce didn't.
She's the only one.
How you make this sound?
Is Beyonce the only one?
Here's why I think she did.
I might be wrong.
Here's why I thought she did because I was watching.
But when she was doing the crowd surfing, all of a sudden the singing stopped.
The singing stopped.
Son.
It's a performance, son.
It's a performance.
Yo, what about this?
The only thing she ate lipstick was the and bro, she hit that heel toe at the end.
That shit was clean, yo.
Can we talk about the what was she saying when she said that?
I shouldn't know.
You don't speak it.
I'm trying to.
You don't speak that shit.
Yeah, was it a weird timing when she had the people doing the African dance?
She said that she had to.
She did, bro.
The second they came up.
She shot instructions.
Yo.
That's why Healy for hit that heel toe.
Damn, son.
So Shakira was low-key Rasista right there.
She might have been, yo.
But did you like that hip movement?
Your girl ever dropped it on you like that?
Yeah.
No, I don't actually remember what hip movement you're talking about, but no.
You don't remember what hip move that was.
Oh, that at the end?
Oh, yeah.
Her and J-Lo.
What are you talking about at the end?
The whole thing?
Fucking performance, son.
I think I'm doing it.
All right.
Am I not?
J-Lo or Shakira?
Shakira.
Same.
Your girl does it the same like Shakira.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm Shakira.
I think Shakira is hotter than J-Lo.
Oh, that's what you were asking.
I thought you were just saying.
We're asking, does your girl do it like Shakira?
Yeah, he's asking that.
Yeah, absolutely.
I still want to stay on her good side.
Hold on.
Wait, you think they do it the same?
My girl doesn't do it like Shakira.
Well, how does she do it?
My girl does it more like one of them brides outside the grocery store that costs a quarter.
The one is like, you know?
That's more of that.
But Shakira, that's on a different level.
Yeah, let me just.
But wait till she hit it.
The ooh, ooh, to the side, snap your dick straight off.
She still got old dicks on her.
She in her 40s.
You don't think Shakira got old dicks in her?
She got a couple old dicks.
Bro, ain't she married to a soccer player or something like that for like 15 years?
Piquet.
Who?
PK.
Is that how you say it?
PK.
All right.
Yeah.
We went over this yesterday.
Okay, Lord.
You fucking dork.
Look, we got to stop this because we'll just be in here all day.
Yeah.
And we got an episode.
Yo, we're doing a dope Patreon, the Patreon episode.
Akash brought his homies out.
We got some cool.
We got a dope boy and Kev on stage coming off for the Patreon.
Righteous and Ratchet.
Yo, Rights and Ratchet.
Alex, any Super Bowl thoughts?
I was asleep for the first half.
I woke up to J-Lo shaking it.
So that was a good signal.
Oh, you know what?
I just woke up as she started shaking it.
So I woke up.
I woke up saying, damn.
From snoring to damn.
It was seamless.
You know, it was interesting because we were talking about betting on the last Patreon.
Yeah.
Patrick Mahomes cost people a bunch of money by kneeling down at the end.
But he didn't kneel down at the end.
He threw a pass the last one.
No, no, but that was an end.
At the end of the game, he prayed.
Yeah.
So there was an over-under on a prop bet for like 36 rushing yards.
Maybe at the end of the game, he prayed.
That's what you're talking about, right?
When he prayed at the end of the game?
No.
Oh, okay.
There was an over-under for Patrick Mahomes for Rushing Yards for like 36, and he had like 40 or something like that.
But at the end of the game, to kneel to like waste enough time, he had to do that, take the snap and then run backwards.
He did a third, not fourth.
He lost like 20 yards.
Every time he kneeled, he would go back a bunch of yards.
So his rushing yards went from like 40 to like 20 or whatever.
And the over-under was at like 36 or 20, whatever it was.
But a bunch of people who bet the over ended up losing money just because he knelt at the end.
Yeah.
Take that, you losers.
Betting on Russian.
You believe that?
He's Russian?
Russians.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
I need you to take five minutes.
I need you to take five minutes.
You damn criticized Trump over Kansas and you just thought that Patrick Raholmes was from Russia, bro.
I mean, he's half white.
His half-white could have been Russian.
Well, you think?
It could.
Akash?
I don't think so, bro.
Yeah.
Take that.
That was a good one.
I'm sorry.
I got no defense for that.
Anyway, yo, thank y'all.
Listen, without further ado, let's start the episode.
Anything else you want to say about this movie?
Yeah, man.
I think that's basically all the notes I had.
Let's go.
I mean, like, it was that performance.
You know what I mean?
Garoppolo did what Caroppolo was going to do.
I called it.
You did call it.
In the beginning, I don't believe in these motherfuckers.
You didn't believe in it.
Garoppolo ain't winning a ring.
I called Kansas City, I'm pretty sure, at the beginning of the season.
You did.
And then doubled down midway through.
And fucking Richard Sherman got bodied on that final drive twice.
It was kind of rough.
Gabelle Rebus was so happy, yo.
He was coming on himself.
He was jerking off with the one hand he got a ring on.
Without further ado, Mike Cannon, ladies and gentlemen.
Guys, Mike Cannon just revolutionized the comedy world by taking quite a bit of time.
Taking an idea that already exists.
It's how detached we all are.
You know how they say the best ideas are the ones that everybody could have thought of?
It's exactly that.
It's the best idea.
None of us thought of it.
Thousands of comics throughout human history.
Thousands of failed comedy clubs.
No one thought of this.
No, no.
It already exists.
Oh, for comedy.
That's what makes it even simpler.
Hey, this idea is right next door.
Why don't they just move this to comedy?
That's all.
Graph House has a comedy club.
So they do in like DC and then Arlington, but they don't.
What if we never told people what it was?
We just talked about the idea for an hour and a half.
But they don't even do that.
So they don't do what they do for the movies, which is in Brooklyn.
They have the slip of paper.
The waitress gives you the spiel up front.
And this is what you do.
This is how you order.
Everything else is silent, right?
So it's not to disrupt the movie.
In a comedy club, it would be perfect because conversation is a killer, especially in small rooms where it's like typically a kill box, but then a waitress talks to three people and it's so obvious to the rest of the crowd that it takes them out of the moment.
What is that game?
Also, what is the game?
Mind Sweeper?
Minecraft?
Minecraft?
Mind Sweeper.
Mind Sweeper.
What's the one I'm thinking with the boxes?
Yeah, where you click the box and then you explode the ones around it.
That is talking at a comedy club.
That's perfect.
That's brilliant.
One person, eight other people start talking, or eight other people are distracted.
They can't hear.
And then when the room is 80 people, which can be great, like the best in a lot of ways, now you take away 20%.
Like the comedy coronavirus.
Just infects one and then spreads.
I love how when we get any virus, we just immediately go to China.
Almost High Again00:02:39
And the chances are right.
Well, because apparently.
They shut down like seven cities.
Wait, they did?
They're not letting people in shut down.
Yeah, but that's China.
It's like, we act like there's something different.
It's like, there's a virus in North Korea.
Turns out nobody can go and no one can live.
So this is crazy.
Typical freedoms of China.
What were you about to say to Arkansas?
No, Who cares?
So the idea, the idea.
Our guys almost got high again, by the way.
Our guys had two CBD gummies, right?
It is.
I know they had the THC in them.
I'm ready.
There's like five in a pack, and I'm ready.
I haven't eaten breakfast.
I'm like, I'll eat all these.
I don't give a fuck.
Probably won't be hungry.
I ain't put THC in them.
I'd have been gone.
Buddy, there is no better way to start your day than with a high dose of truth.
That would have been fantastic because also edibles absorb through your body at like a rate that is maybe 50 times more than smoking.
So you would have been just here with your pupils the size of your forehead.
Wait a minute.
It's faster?
No, it's more potent.
That's why when you have the whatever, everybody's like, I had like a fourth of the Tootsie roll.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Well, you know, human beings are, I think they're the only animal.
There might be one or two other that is totally gay, but also that has cannabinoids that are in cannabinoid receptors that are in your body and their sole function is to receive cannabis and process cannabis.
Is that a fact?
Yeah, that's a fact.
Yeah.
It sounds too weedhead to be true.
It sounds like...
Well, here's the thing about the thing about Mike, our guest, Mike Cannon, which I will introduce properly probably halfway through the show, but we'll get there.
We're in a nice little rhythm.
But we have a couple of things that we're going to talk to you about later in this episode before we get through your idea that I still don't think we've explained.
Not even.
Not even.
Classic Flagrant 2.
The most revolutionary comedy idea in history.
Oh, gosh, that was that CBD gun show.
Oh, my gosh.
Almost got high.
Let's talk about it.
It's just almost the whole episode is pre-cup.
Never really get to the nut.
So, but wait, wait, what was we saying?
Who cares?
No, no, no, we care.
Cannabinoid or something.
No, no, no.
You ate one of those guys.
Yeah, yeah.
So Cannon had a conspiracy theory podcast.
Deep inside the rabbit hole?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Five, ten years ago, like way before it was, I would say, popular to be a conspiracy.
Way before we realized they were all right.
Way before we realized Alex Jones was like 90% right.
Which was our logo.
We were just doing it all right.
Wait, really?
No, no.
But that is an Illuminati symbol, actually.
Is it?
Well, that's also the Flavor 2 symbol.
Let's go, Kevin.
But go on, go on.
Talking Fake News00:03:18
But yeah, we were talking fake news.
Mike Conley Jr. hits a three and he's doing this.
He's shouting out the Illuminati?
I believe so, yeah.
That's right.
We only claim like the successful people.
That's the interesting thing.
It's like tons of losers have been throwing up that fucking sign and nobody's like, oh, he's connected.
Yeah.
And then Beyonce does.
It's like, oh, I knew it.
Well, that's her success.
Kim Dylan has that great joke.
I'm not sure if he does it anymore, but he's like, if you want to work in like a low-income job, like all of the poorest people are the ones that talk about the Illuminati.
It's not rich people.
It's just poor people talking about everybody running the elites running things.
It can't be your fault.
But yeah, we're talking fake news, lame stream media.
Really?
Six, seven years ago, dude.
Yeah.
Okay, so we're going to go over conspiracies with you later that we have some curiosity about.
Mike is also an avid drug user, so we're going to get to that as well.
But back to your idea about comedy clubs.
Now, one of the issues we're talking about, Concos, obviously, is the distraction of taking orders, paying checks.
Right.
Every time a waitress comes to a table, she talks.
That's a full-on conversation.
Yes.
Also, usually they don't understand that they're blocking people's line of sight.
So there'll be some ostrich-ass bitch just standing right in front of the stage and everybody's looking at that person instead of the comic behind them.
Or in a full 90-degree bend so people are looking at her birth canal as opposed to the fucking show.
Yeah.
I got into like, I probably talked about this on the podcast, but like I banished a waitress at the Philly Helium.
Yeah.
She kept on walking in the front row, which is her job to service the front row.
And it just, I just wasn't really having that much fun.
And, you know, the audience isn't giving you as much as what you're doing.
Because when you yell at the guy, you got to take, I probably yelled at the guy.
There was just a lot going on.
I got in a fight with the guy from Six Flags, the old man looking like guy.
And then I fucking and then this waitress kept on going back and forth.
And then she did the fucking thing that annoys me the most is if I'm talking to a fucking table.
Oh my God.
Don't ask them their order.
Yeah.
Of all the people.
Yeah.
So I was like, you got to go over there.
And then she came back and I was like, no, no, you're over there for the rest of the show.
She had a drink and I was like, he'll be all right.
You're over there for the rest of the show.
It's a lost art that the club clubs aren't even like imposing on their staff.
It's like, no, you got to teach them.
I heard the words.
Yeah, they're really good.
But a lot of places, I mean, you know, I'll even say that.
And they'll tell people to shut the fuck up, which is loudly.
Yeah.
It's not just the bouncer.
That's amazing.
Everybody will tell you to shut the fuck up at the seller.
Dude, I mean, during my special, right in the front row were two dudes that were just speaking full volume Mandarin.
Oh, yeah.
Like during the second show.
So I already got it.
But they were like fish market volume Mandarin.
Like they're the fucking aliens from Mars attacks.
Like that, that, that, that.
That's all I could hear in my head to the point where I was like, what?
Like, I finally like literally lowered myself.
It's part of the credits.
And I was like, what the fuck is going on?
And we had this exchange.
And then I found out later that they were at the VU because they thought it was a music venue.
And they were basic, they were non-English speaking, you know, people that came over from China and they had no idea.
They were like, what is this asshole talking about?
They were Asian?
They thought I was doing an hour-long introduction.
Oh, I didn't hear the Mandarin.
Oh, yeah.
How is that funny without the context of them being Chinese?
Well, I just figured the fish market, you yell, right?
Like that wicked tuna.
They're all yelling.
They kind of sound like the Mars attacks.
The Full Gray Beard00:04:13
Whack, whack, whack.
Yeah, yeah.
This is, I think it plays with Boston.
Okay, fair enough.
Anyway.
So, um, but they just thought it was a, they thought it was a music venue, and they thought I was giving like an extra long, impassioned introduction to whatever game.
How long have you been doing this, Alex?
Eight minutes.
Still no idea.
Let's keep it going.
Let's keep it going.
So the idea.
You were saying something about remove the Jews from the comedy, right?
Yeah.
It was like, write their names on a paper, write their names.
You put it in.
You're taking this get rid of the industry thing a little bit too far.
A little bit too far.
Write their names on paper, put it on their sleeve.
That's how you know.
That's why I believe.
I'm trying to dig Ari out of his hole.
That's why I believe Hitler was a scorned artist because he just hated the Jews.
This guy's going to give me a career.
I just want some management.
Fuck.
That's how I felt when I aged out of MTV.
I got 17 gray hairs and they're like, we have no use for you.
Thank you.
That's right.
You went gray early.
Oh, yeah, quick in the game.
Yeah.
It was, yeah, yeah.
But you're full gray.
Now I'm full gray.
Yeah, I look like Cisco.
No, no, what I mean by full gray.
What I mean by full gray is full head of hair.
Right.
But it's gray.
Yeah, yeah.
Which is a fox.
Which is crazy, though, because I have like, I have friends who are white and they are hanging on for dear life to their hair.
Like they have that abandoned lot hair where you're like, and they're like, dude, you're going gray.
And I'm like.
Detroit neighborhood hair?
Yeah, dude.
It's like...
That shit is kind of there.
It's like dead dandelion head where you're like, I can make a wish and blow your hair right off your head.
Fuck out of here.
Your hair was buried on an Indian graveyard.
Get out of here.
So they feel more confident that their like 12 hairs are brown and your full head of hair.
Yeah, they're like a little gray as they sneak over like their four Homer Simpson hairs.
Yeah, I think you just need to keep the hair.
I think that's the move.
I don't really think it matters what color once you're over a certain age.
If you're gray in like late teens, early 20s, it's annoying.
Now, but if you go full, but he went full gray.
Full gray looks great.
What I'm saying is perfectly sterling.
Per age.
Yeah.
So if you're 18 with full gray, it doesn't fit.
But if you're 22 with full hair gray, it doesn't fit.
Right.
30 above full gray.
Killing the game.
It doesn't matter.
Killing the game.
Yeah.
I mean, weird your beard isn't gray at all.
I have a little wisp in the bottom.
My beard is gray, brown, and take it off.
And red.
Yeah, you look like a lot.
It's the worst.
It's like brown at the bottom, white on top.
But you wouldn't be saying that if you saw my full Irish face.
It's way too much face when I'm fully clean shape.
Really?
Yeah, it's just a white orb.
It's like shapeless.
It sucks.
I don't think you're shapeless.
I appreciate it.
No, this is a comic thing where like you like beat yourself up so much you have like body dysmorphia.
Think comics have like a dysmorphia about them.
No, I think also once you go beard, no beard all of a sudden is just like, what the fuck am I looking at?
Oh, yes, you make yourself more attractive.
That's our makeup.
Yeah, it's my contour.
Yes, it's your contour.
Highly contour.
It's so true.
I can't do that at all.
I have no, I can grow no beard.
But it's almost better because if I remember, I've shaved for like this thing that for the NBC, whatever.
Yeah.
And then the head of ABC.
Stand up for diversity.
No, no, no.
It was like this, some dumbass thing that never went in.
Can you say what it is?
No, I honestly don't remember.
It wasn't like, it was like, maybe this could be a pilot, but it wasn't.
NBC did some dumbass contest to try to pretend they cared about minorities.
Anyway, the head of ABC, who I'm still super cool with ABC casting Marcy Phillips, even though she's out to Marcy.
She saw a reel of mine and she was like, she was like, get that.
She was like, get that shit out.
And I was like, why?
She was like, you don't look, and she's the sweetest lady.
She's like, you don't look terminally ill, but you look like you just beat your terminal illness.
And I said, all right.
I'll never get rid of the beard.
And you got like a cat.
So it's a good go.
And the medication dyed your eyes green.
Yo, are you sure that's real about T.I.'s wife with the eyes?
White Guilt Over Tipping00:03:09
What?
Have you heard this?
Was it medical condition?
No, that she went to another country and they dyed her eyes a different color.
You can dye the actual what they use.
Some type of surgery, but it's permanent.
She can't go back.
That was horrendous.
It's wild.
Yeah.
Only Philip.
You still haven't said what the idea is, right?
Okay, let's just get the idea out.
Let's just get the idea.
How long are we gone?
12 minutes right now.
12 minutes.
That's not going to keep going.
Anyway, so the idea is essentially stop making the waitresses take orders.
Just write it on the fucking piece of paper.
All the options are there.
It's kind of like those sushi restaurants.
It's like, they know they don't speak English.
So, and we know we just want the sushi.
We're going to point anyway.
If we're going to point anyway, why don't you just let us circle and then we hand it to you and then that's done.
And you made a great argument.
You're like, it's not like they're getting tipped based on their service.
Or their charm.
Or their charm.
Exactly.
And that's why I kind of don't understand when waitresses at comedy clubs have attitudes.
It's because you have the easiest waitress job.
You don't have to charm.
Most clubs do auto gratuity.
Most are auto-gratuity.
And if it's a great club, it's packed multiple times a night.
It's like, what could you possibly complain about?
It's built-in money.
Guarantee, you walk there, you can have a stank attitude, and it's almost kind of like charming.
I'm the one who's a bitch.
Right?
Like, isn't that a new thing that's happening with like the services?
I'm the bitchy one.
I keep it real with my customers.
No.
You know, there's a study that said the crueler waitresses are like the meaner ones get tipped more.
Yeah.
Why?
How insecure are we?
They like to.
We're trying to win over the waitress.
After the meal.
Like, what happened to the service industry?
I hope that waitress likes me.
That wiener circle video went viral.
This white guilt thing about tipping each other all the time.
I've never tipped less than 20%.
It used to be 15 when I was a kid.
It was 15.
Now it's 20 or you're an asshole.
20's the minimum.
And that's why people are tipping 25.
Fuck you.
No, no, I don't do 25.
That's obnoxious.
Why I don't do 25.
One of my favorite things about my girlfriend is she doesn't tip for coffee for baristas.
I see that.
Done.
You know, there's the done.
It goes 15, 20, 25.
Done.
She just goes right through it.
It's an overinflated price anyway.
Why am I $5 for a cup of coffee?
Why am I tacking a bill onto that?
Son, again, I don't know a single minority who makes it a point to tip.
I think every one of us is proudly like, no, come on.
That's a coffee.
If you get like five or six and you work in, I'll give you a dollar.
How did the rest of you get away with having no stereotype about not tipping?
Like, black people have that.
Indians got that.
There's just not enough of you to where it's like.
If you ask a waiter or a waitress, they'll be like, oh, yeah, they don't tip.
And we'll be like, yeah, that's fine.
Black people are like, no, that's bullshit.
I think Indians are like, yeah, we don't.
Why would we?
You know, the difference, though, is I think Indians like you know you should tip and then you don't.
And I think that there's a lot of black people who are just like, Hey, you give them a few dollars.
Like, I remember going out to dinner with Charlamagne, like nice steak dinners, and it was like, Yeah, I left 20 bucks.
And I was like, No, no, no, it's a percentage of the meal.
He's like, We've had this discussion, we've had this discussion on the podcast.
Alabama Stereotypes Explained00:16:11
No, but then he breaks it down.
He goes, They just brought the plate to the table.
I'm like, You're right, yeah, no, no, what you're describing is right, but for whatever reason, it's a percentage of the meal.
And he's literally breaking down in like the most genius way why tipping's stupid.
He goes, But the restaurant decides the prices, the work is the same, like he's just breaking one by one.
I would rather the prices be reflective of what the tip should be.
The weight of the plate, yeah, weigh the plates, weight of the plate, weight of the plate, weight and number, weight 16-ounce steak different than eight-ounce.
100%.
You had that's a balancing act.
That's about look, you could fit two in one hand.
Caviar, I gotta tip more for caviar than I do for a fucking awesome blossom at Chilis.
Yeah, suck my dick, yo.
Suck my dick, waiter.
Dude, have you ever had to carry?
Have you weighed tables?
No, no, I have.
I spent tons of time.
I was a food runner for one day, and the guy was like, Hey, you want to try me out?
And he's like, You can have his job if you want.
I was like, That's cool, man.
I don't think it's like, You're Brown, you'll get it.
I don't think it's for me.
Is surprisingly incapable of most things, most things.
It is shocking because he's a supremely intelligent guy.
Like, this is like a really smart guy.
When you ask him to do something, he's right.
He is quite possibly the stupidest person I've ever seen.
I mean, I think that was a bit harsh.
No, no, like it's capable on a level that borders retarded.
No, retarded because here's the thing about retarded people.
No, here's the thing about retarded people, feelings.
They're like pets where you can train them over and over again, and then they know how to do the activity, right?
If you just train them over and over again, right?
But the thing about Akash is his brain is only wired to know a few things, right?
Saving money, really wired, saving money, making people laugh, men's rights, right?
Okay, making his girlfriend happy, right?
And he's good at three out of those four things, okay?
But that's how his brain-he's like Ted Bundy with figs, okay?
There's only a certain amount.
Ted Bundy, Al Bundy, Al Bundy, Ted would get it done.
Ted's efficient shit, or maybe only really good at a few.
Maybe I'm Ted Bundy.
So, look, so he goes, We'll see with your girl.
Prove it.
So, so, so, I like it will be something like Akash.
Can you sweep that those that dust and those papers over there just into a dustpan, right?
And you will see Akash.
You know how, like, there's certain people who know how to sweep, right?
Yeah, you take the little sweeper and then you grab the broom and then you just sweep like this.
Akash has vined his arm around the broom to get leverage, and he's like shoving shit.
It's going off in the sides, and you're looking at him and you're just like, Are you like, What?
Who are you?
Like, what are you?
What am I dealing with?
Like, I don't even understand what to say.
I don't understand what to say.
That's annoying.
Book an airline ticket right now.
That's a different thing, bro.
Listen, I don't know my jet blue number.
There's a lot of things going on with that, bro.
We different, but we're the same beast.
You're a fucking genius, son.
I never said that I'm good at all these things.
Meaning?
You're good at Dropbox.
I tried to drop box yesterday with Alex right next to me.
He was trying for a minute.
Fucking all the comics are around.
Bill Burr's right up to my fucking idol and shit.
And I'm just whispering it out.
Yo, how do you drop boxes?
I need to send this video over to Ed and you fucking dropbox.
I put a video on IG from Dropbox, and Ed was like, Yo, how did you do that?
Because no one else can figure it out.
Andrew Cad cannot figure it out.
I was like, I don't know.
It's mad simple.
So I know how to do it, but I know how to sweep.
You fucking asshole.
Hey, buddy, get an upgrade on an airline one day that you didn't have to pay for.
That's something I didn't, I don't know how to do.
And it's also something I've committed to not learning.
Yeah.
I don't know how to do that.
Why would you learn something that could save you thousands of dollars?
I can hire.
I can hire someone to do that.
What are Mexicans?
It's so funny that you may not exist.
The money you save.
See if you pay the difference in hiring.
Hold on one second.
Hold on one second.
Mexicans do exist.
Okay.
Sweep, sweep, sweep.
That's a good thing.
That's a thing.
I can hire them.
I know.
Maybe I should be doing that.
Maybe I should expect that.
You do have to hire like Asians way more expensive.
That's a much better thing.
Asian top-tier Mexicans.
No, I got to.
Harvard Mexicans.
Dude, I need a Harvard Mexican.
I really need a fucking Harvard Mexican, dude.
No, it's.
I got the Delta app.
Yo, just now, though.
Like, he's been fucking up.
Because what happened is Alex is pulling up to the fucking gate every time.
And he got his app on his phone with the ticket.
And I'm still unfolding this people, like this piece of paper from my hoodie pocket that's on my stomach.
And the lady got to press it all hard and passive aggressive against the machine.
Like, she's upset she got to touch my ticket.
She's unwrinkling it, like, rubbing it against the scan.
Like it's a bill trying to get into an arcade game.
Yes.
She's furious at me that I got this old ticket still.
And Alex just booping going in.
And low-key, I think Alex has been taking my miles with his fucking.
That's what you think because you don't know how miles work.
He's taking my miles because he got fucking access to the Delta Lounge.
I just found out about the Delta Lounge.
I've been had access with this for the Amex.
He's had an Amex Platinum.
Bro, bro, you got access to it.
You got it because it's silver.
You got access.
That's the only reason.
It's silver.
It's so cool.
It's silver.
So I got to impress these waitresses.
I got to win them over.
Yo, when you get a heavy credit card, that shit.
If it clinks on the table, that's the big dick.
Take that shit to Europe where they don't even have tips, so there's no way to impress them.
And you drop that, and they're like, they fucking hold it up.
They're like rotating it.
Bro, it's magic to them.
But anyway, that's what I'm saying.
I'm retarded about some shit.
I'm not denying that.
Same Tusam.
Like, okay.
What is it?
Same Tusam.
Same Tusam.
All right, guys.
You already know.
Fourth show, final show for the special taping in LA.
Tickets on sale.
There's a few tickets left, so go get them while they're still available if you want to be part of that.
I appreciate y'all so much for even getting us to four shows.
This is absolutely insane.
We're on the road to the special right now.
So we're going to Hawaii this week.
That's going to be crazy.
We're going to do two shows of the Blue Note out there.
So come on out if you're on the islands.
Raja, come on out and check out those shows.
And then after that, we are back on tour.
TheandrewSchultz.com.
You can get all the cities that we're going to be at, but it's going to be a fun next couple months.
I mean, we're going to Pittsburgh.
We're going to go to Miami.
We're going to Portland.
We're going to Orlando.
Yeah, just come on out, man.
A lot of fun, fun shows.
TheandrewSchultz.com for tickets.
Get them before they sold out.
Yo, guys, come check me out.
Here's my upcoming tour dates.
February 6th, I'm going to be in Nashville, Tennessee at Zaney's.
Y'all got to come to that show.
Then February 8th, I'm going to be at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta.
That's a fun-ass club.
I can't wait to do it.
Y'all got to come through.
And then March 12th through 14th, I'm finally going to Canada.
I'm going to be in Montreal at the Comedy Nest.
I'm super excited.
We're doing the full weekend there.
I cannot wait.
March 27th, I'm going to be at the Den in Chicago.
Buy tickets, shy town.
I want to come through that city all the time.
It's one of my favorite cities in the country.
So let's sell this shit the fuck out and get over there.
All right, we're going to take a break for a second, pay some bills here.
You already know about Radix.
You saw what happened to Akash.
Got blitzed.
I'll be honest, I did not entirely believe that.
How do I say this?
You guys got to get on this quick because I think that there's, and there might be some real weed in there, to be honest with you.
I think they might have slipped up because I was smoking a joint in Atlanta.
So we're at this Laugham Skull.
And was I high afterward?
I thought it was going to be just CBD.
You were a little high.
I was on stage.
I was smoking.
By the last joke, I was like a couple seconds behind myself.
Like, I was like, I just got to get through this.
I was definitely high.
I slept for 13 hours the next night.
So there's something going on over here.
Radix Remedies.
Okay.
You go radixremedies.com/slash flagrant.
Flagrant is our code.
They got a cool, I mean, you got cool discounts.
You got cool things specifically just for us on the website.
But they're also got this monthly subscription thing.
This is dope.
You could enter to win the free gram, or what is it, gram a month?
Free eighth, sorry, I think three eighth a week.
But also, they got this monthly subscription box.
They're doing for Radix that's just for us, Flagrant fans.
So make sure you go check that as well.
Just keep sending shit to your place.
You don't even have to worry about it.
Get that shit on repeat.
Okay.
Anyway, a lot of cool things over there at Raddix.
Go to raddix.com, R-A-D-I-X Remedies.com slash flagrant and do your thing, man.
This is the CBD of the asshole army.
And we got to build.
If you guys got any ideas of things that they need to make, things that you really like, things that you've maybe bought from other CBD brands that they don't offer, let us know.
We'll build it out.
We'll make it happen.
We're partnering up with this company.
So we're going to definitely do some cool stuff.
All right.
So please send us recommendations and let's just do it.
All right.
Yo, Mark had a funny ass line, bro.
He said some coronavirus joke.
He was talking about some Asian, some coronavirus joke.
And then someone in the, in the, like an Asian person started the coronavirus or something.
And then someone in the audience goes, too soon.
And then Mark takes a video.
He goes, wait, was that their name?
That shit destroyed, bro.
I mean, destroyed, dude.
I was, we were, you were, you were there.
You were watching it?
Bro, we were in the green room.
The whole place fucking went crazy.
This was in Alabama.
Yo, low-key, one of the best comedy clubs in the country.
Alabama.
It looked beautiful.
It was the 85 South Show video at the Stardome.
It's like, bro, fucking gorgeous.
Bro, you could film a special there.
It is arena seating.
It's like.
And it bowled out, right?
I saw that wide shot of it.
It bowls out completely.
No, it's in Hoover.
And it is fucking so good.
And the guy who owns it is like a legit good guy who good thing after good thing happened to him.
And that's how they built a club.
No kidding.
Like, he said in the beginning, he brought like a couple acts in that didn't work when they started it.
And then he brought, fuck, what was his name?
Black guy.
He's Sinbad.
He brought Sinbad in, and he would bring Sinbad 12 times a year.
Sinbad's so great, dude.
You can see it.
Since it's a new show, everybody's a good show.
And he's like, Sinbad built my fucking club.
And then he said one time, have you heard the story about Top?
What's his name?
Top Hat?
What's his name?
The red guy with the fucking carrot top.
Yeah.
I'm talking about Monopoly all the time.
Top hat.
So Carrot Tops with all his things burning.
Have you guys heard the story about like the club burned?
A club burned down and all of his problems.
And he was supposed to go on the tonight show three days later.
Oh my god.
So all of his props burned down and it was in that club.
And apparently Jay Leno went on.
Was like we're supposed to have carrot top.
But uh, he was at some shitty club in AIR OR Not.
You know, some horrible club in Alabama is all this stuff burned down and people started reaching out to Jay and saying hey, the club's actually great, it wasn't there.
Their fall there was like a fire during a snowstorm so no one could even get to there.
Oh crazy yeah, just horrible.
It snows in Alabama.
I thought I didn't know, I had no clue wow.
So um, fucking ignoramus, you guys.
Yeah yeah, you knew that.
I mean, it's the south, it's not India.
It snows.
We assume the south is hot.
Yeah, it's hot, but it's still snowing.
I didn't go.
I didn't go with a jacket this trip.
I was regretting that it was cold.
It was cold, but we were surprised.
That's ridiculous yo, why are we supposed to know that?
You are a traveled person?
You don't know how to mop, you can't mop, you can't sweep, you could barely make a coffee, probably out of that machine.
Real talk, that's tricky.
I literally saw Akash earlier.
I saw Akash looking at the machine.
I knew it was gonna be a problem, because he's starting to get a little bit like anxious as the coffee's filling up to the top of the club and then he just he starts like pushing random parts of the machine and I just, and I wait until it gets to the top of the fucking class.
I'm just press the button at the top and somebody tells me, oh okay, I got it, I got retarded.
You can also buy cups that could fit the whole coffee.
Say well, you get 70 of the coffee because you got these Moroccan ass cups.
Dude, that's Arabic for you're retarded.
Deal with that.
I asked Akash to help me and he Michael, Serad me.
I was like yo, can you help me with the coffee?
And he's like yeah, i'll be like trailed off and motored away.
And I was like, all right, but it's, it's only annoying, because you know how brilliant he is son, I don't, I don't know poor people son, like make okay, I wasn't meant, I wasn't meant to be, I was meant to be rich.
God didn't make me to be poor.
I guess bro, that's why going rope was such a struggle for me.
Was it hard on me?
Yo yeah, i'm gonna sweep my own floors.
What the fuck?
You didn't sweep the floors.
Let's be honest.
There's no way I swiffered them bitches, though.
There's no, I don't even think that you could put the thing on the swiffer, son.
I think it would take you 30 minutes to get the wet thing onto the swiffer.
Swiffer, wet is a hustle, yo don't go.
So this is why you need a kid though, because a kid forces you to learn all this meanial special, but we still haven't gotten the idea.
The club multi-million dollar idea.
Yeah yeah yeah wait, I thought we said it already.
We did not say, we didn't say that, all right, keep pushing back, keep pushing back.
I said it already.
Right okay, real quick.
Before we get to your special, I want to say, I opened your special and i'm watching.
It was absolutely beautiful.
I saw Brennan Sagalow's arms yeah yeah, and I turned it off immediately and I walked away from my phone.
I left my phone in one place I don't know where it was and I just walked away.
That's how horrified I was.
Yeah, did he show up like that?
Yeah yeah, it was a completely unprovoked fashion choice on his part, and he thought he argued, yeah, because he didn't do it for comedic effect, because his arms are curdled bags of milk yeah, like they're.
Just, they are disgusting.
Who's the guy?
Who's who looks like a testicle that talks about?
About football and ESPN, and they make him look like a rocker sometimes.
Oh, yeah, Clayton or something like that.
John Clayton.
He looks like a stillborn.
He looks like.
Yes.
Yes.
So Sagalau looked like if someone left Claiborne in a bath, okay, just for months.
And then he just swole the fuck up and he was with you.
He's in this stupid fucking tank top.
And then you guys are riffing.
And you sound incredibly like natural acting.
You're actually a good actor.
I'd appreciate it.
Like you're a really good actor.
And Sagalau is so horrible at acting.
And you're looking at his and you look at his stupid arms, okay, with not a single hair on him.
It's just like someone took turkey thighs and they attached him to the side of his body like a potato head.
Is he Irish also?
He is going to take his life when he watches this.
Is he Irish also?
I told him.
I don't know what he is.
He is as white as a goat.
So now we got to have him on.
We got to have him on the pot.
Okay.
So he.
Let's not have him on for a year or so.
Just like the picky idea.
Just like the idea.
And so you guys are doing this riffing thing.
First of all, I want to say something about just before we even get into the jokes of the special, but the coloring is beautiful.
Yeah, yeah.
Mike Lavin, man, the homeless pimp.
Shout out to the homeless pimp.
He's great.
He's been doing great work.
I've been seeing his stuff a lot, but the color grading on the special is unbelievable.
Leaving Shane Behind00:15:14
I mean, it fucking explodes.
Which was that much more infuriating about Sagalau's arms is that you saw his arms in Fort.
You saw the pink in his skin.
Yeah.
You know?
You saw the rosatia.
The rosacea was there.
But yeah, look, it looked beautiful.
So I fast forward past Sagalau's part.
Because what was he talking about?
He was like disagreeing with you on your special.
He was basically insinuating that I told him that he was heavy breathing trying to carry that fat ass body across the street.
We tried not to lob him, but there was no other way.
He's like, guys, can I take a break?
We're like, we're in the middle of six halves.
Why don't you mosey over to the sidewalk and then hold your knees.
What was the conversation about?
So it was about, it was like an amped up version of how I got into the cellar.
Ah, yes, yes.
Which the story, the true story, is that I was having dinner with DeStefano and his daughter, and I was there just hanging at the cellar.
I wasn't in, didn't ask to work there, nothing like that, would show face every once in a while.
And Liz, Furiotti, the manager, got a text that Colin Quinn had suffered a heart attack.
Chris was supposed to open for Colin at the Fat Black while he was working out Red State Blue State.
And then I happened to be there, and Liz was like, can you do 30 minutes?
And I was like, yeah, all right, this is great.
But I also had a panic attack the weekend before.
Like, this is a whole kind of long thing.
I didn't do comedy in like five days because I had a horrible panic attack in Long Island while going up to headline.
Right before, as I'm being introduced, I felt that pressure on your chest and like the involuntary spasms.
And I just irished through it, dude.
I stuffed everything down and I just did a full 55 or whatever it was.
You are a fucking better than me because I couldn't do 30 seconds of Sagalau's arms.
I was born to suffer, dude.
I could handle it.
Sagalow, we're teasing you if you're listening.
We love you, man.
He is.
Very funny comic, Brendan Sagala, and a good hang.
It's very rare that young comics are good hangs.
And he's going to be very funny.
Yeah, yeah.
No, he's a funny kid.
I mean, like, he's already really funny, but he's going to be like top show.
But you're a good hang.
He's going to be like a thing.
So you can, and I tell, I can't stress this enough how important it is, like, when you're coming up, like, if you're a good hang, you will get so much work.
You'll get so many opportunities because at the end of the day, you just want someone you could feel kind of comfortable and natural around.
If they're also funny, oh my God.
Dude, I have like ideal situations.
I have young comics that I'm friendly with, but I don't really know them like that.
I'll be outside smoking weed.
Yeah.
And then, and they'll have the confidence to be like, hey, can I hit that?
And I'm like, who do you think you are?
I have never in my life walked up to Metzker or Jay or anybody.
I'm not saying I'm on that level, but even like 10 years ago, I was never just like, oh, hey, weed, let me get that.
It's like the craziest comedy.
Yeah, I remember when I came to the city 11 years ago, Metzger was really funny.
He was a guy at the cellar.
He was one of the really funny guys at the cellar.
That's essentially who you are.
These guys.
Right.
Yeah.
But there's a little bit.
Yeah, sometimes I guess there's a little bit of a detachment from it.
I don't know.
I think they're also trying to prove they're like some bold movies.
So you remember them.
It's like, nah, bro, we're good.
I don't know how to do that.
Like, I do not know how to, like, if I truly like you and I, and I'm like, I admire you and I think you're fucking great.
I don't know how to like turn on the, hey, we're just buddies.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, last night is a perfect example, right?
Last night, we're going from the Patrice Benefit.
Andrew Richard, by the way.
It was fun.
Andrew, Paul Varzi, Roy Wood, all guys you've worked with in the network.
And they all fucking rip.
We'll talk about the Patrice thing in a little bit.
But we're basically going to venue to the stand, right?
And I'm like, DeRosa's leaving, and Shane's leaving.
I'm like, hey, let's hop in an Uber.
Akash and Ronnie are with me.
And I call the Uber.
And then Mike Berta, I forget his, I don't know how he runs all things comedy.
Mike Bertolini or something.
I don't know.
Bartolini.
Bartolini.
Yeah.
And Burr are in the car.
And then Mike goes, come in the car.
And I hear Burr go, hey, come on in, right?
And I really admire Burr.
And I left Shane and DeRosa so fast.
When I tell you, when I tell you how quickly, I don't even think I looked them in the eye.
What are you, Lorne Michael?
Lauren still calls him.
He's deleted his number while you're writing.
I didn't know he was.
How dare you speak about Asians like that?
Actually, I felt a little bad about leaving Shane, not DeRosa at all.
But we were just in the car, and it was just one of those things where, like, I'm not going to chum it up with Burr.
Sure.
You are the fucking goat to me right now, living GOAT.
Obviously, Chappelle as well.
So it's like, I just want to hear what you have to say about things.
I'm not even trying to make you laugh.
I literally just want to hear.
And we sat in the car, and it was like he was doing.
Dude, he is Burr.
He was so funny.
He doesn't know how to not be Burr.
Right, right.
He's just doing the funniest.
This is such a Bill Burr sentence.
Andrew asked if he had watched Aaron Hernandez sing, and he just goes, Nah, I don't watch series anymore.
I was like, what do you mean?
No, no series.
He's like, nah.
I was like, what do you watch?
He's like, movies.
Then we go, it's three episodes.
He goes, it's too much.
It's too much.
I don't even watch sequels.
He doesn't.
Dude, it was like, he was like, I just can't take it anymore.
He goes, my girl watches all of them.
So I'll pop in, get a little pop-up.
And it was so like, this exactly, it's so cool to see a comic who is the same on stage and off stage.
So it's, it is, I've never seen a comic so similar on and off.
Yeah.
I've never seen it like this in my life.
You know who's like that?
And I hate to say it because they always get compared, but Nathan Michael Brendan Sackleton.
No, Nathan McIntosh.
I was with Diner with Nathan McIntosh years ago, and he just, he did a full set without realizing it.
He's like, fucking, buddy, I love diners.
He goes, I got whatever you want.
And he does it.
And I'm like, this is what you mean.
You're like, Jesus Christ.
It's exactly what you sound like.
And then Burr, obviously, who I agree, one of the best out there.
Yeah.
Maybe ever.
But it's just crazy to watch that guy who operates at that level being just as funny naturally.
That's it.
Also, the attitude you approach that ride with is a lost art because it is, that is the move, is reverence and respect and just like, hey, man, like, I understand where I'm at.
I understand where you're at.
I have more to glean from you than you from me.
Yeah.
So I'm sitting here and listening.
And you know what?
It pisses him off.
I'm sure he just wants to be one of the guys.
I'm sure he hates the fucking reverence and all that kind of shit.
But I'm not going to be inauthentic.
Right.
I'm not going to frit like fake chum it up with you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm, it's just, I don't know how to do it.
I'm bad at it.
I have a tough time manufacturing.
I get in my head because I'm like, I'm not unconfident in it.
I am confident that I want you to just talk.
I'm 100% confident in that month.
Akash, you're there.
I'm not trying to bust balls.
I'm not trying to.
No, we're just laughing and asking.
Literally just laughing.
And then there's these painful moments of silence.
And then he just comes back again with fucking Haymaker, Haymaker, Haymaker.
And it was just, but it was so worth leaving Shane and you, Joe.
It was so worth it.
Okay?
You see Joe trying to shrug, but he can't.
He's like John McCain.
I feel like a sperm.
I love Joe.
He's so funny.
Oh, also, quick thought.
I took two of those gummies.
If you'd feel it.
I'm with those gummies.
You would have been wild for the night.
Yo, shout out to Raddix, man.
Hell yeah.
It is, it is.
Yeah, Joe said the funniest thing about Voss because I was trying to think about what Voss was dressed like last night.
And because Voss was just dressed so absurd.
Uncut gems.
Yo, that's accurate.
Rich Voss, hilarious comedian.
If y'all don't know, go look him up, but absolutely hilarious.
Just the fucking the best guy, the best hang.
Literally, he enters the room and all of a sudden it's fun.
And he's either made fun of or making fun of others, but he's just the fucking best.
And we're sitting down backstage and he's just kind of like busting Shane's balls and he has the chair turned towards AC Slater style.
Yeah, but Shane goes, look, it's AC Slater.
Rich has a crazy list.
He is the craziest list ever.
Dude, I mean, Rich is in my special.
Bobby has one of the funniest lines ever because Voss is like, you know, a real headliner can come in and swoop away Cannon's wife and his kid.
Bobby goes, don't say swoop.
It's a new lens.
And it was just so quick.
Bobby, at this point, he's like, you know, he's like jiu-jitsu.
Them hanging out.
It's not even thought of.
It's instinctual knocks on.
This is Bobby Kelly, anybody who doesn't know, but go check out Rich Voss, Bobby Kelly, and just, these are like the New York OGs, the GOATs of New York that really kind of established New York as, you know, the comedy capital of the world.
And we've let them down.
But you can see that you can see how good Burr is.
Like when we were in the green room and him and Voss were going back and forth, like Voss just couldn't keep up.
Son, like it was just nice at it.
I know he's good.
Voss ain't whack at it at all.
Voss is one of the best.
Boss literally is one of the best, especially just busting balls.
But Voss had a couple lines in the green room.
Oh, God.
And it just tanked.
And then Burr crushed him.
What was it?
What was it?
It was just what?
He was like, oh, he goes, he says something.
Don't try to listen.
He goes, he goes, he goes, Voss says something out of the line.
But he goes, yeah, yeah, just like the table.
So what I'm saying is, and then Burr goes, oh, no, no.
Don't try to cover your bomb with, so what I'm saying is.
Turning it serious.
Yeah.
This is now a philosophical point.
Anyway, yeah, you had these guys in the beginning of your special.
So we talked about this months ago, which I told you not to do.
Yeah, but you did it anyway.
I told you, horrible idea.
But the beginning of the special is them essentially telling you why you so it's actually interstitials.
I got the idea from your special, the what was it, 4441, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I love that idea of breaking it up with stuff in between and kind of like, you know, just it's a different way to present material.
Again, great idea.
How did no one think of that?
You got it.
It's your idea.
But it's just like, oh, this is how it should be.
Yeah.
45 minutes of straight comedy is like, that's a lot, yo.
For someone you don't know.
For someone you don't know, even someone you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like there's even friends of ours that like after a while, it's like, hey, bro, the stand in one place can meet you.
You're just going to stand right there.
Yeah.
You're just going to get locked in like you're on a snowboard.
The only hours I fully watch now are ones that I'm so passionately hateful against.
Like I will sit for a full 60 minutes and scream and my like six month old baby will just be like looking at his father like Jesus Christ.
This is what I was born into.
You're the Howard Stern fan.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What did they say back in the day?
I listened to three times more Howard.
When you hate him?
Yeah.
But wait, you were saying, so you had these guys and it's kind of broken up and they're all talking about you and kind of trashing you, but also saying.
So the idea for the special was that, you know, I got in because Colin had a heart attack, surreal in and of itself.
Then now I'm at the table with New York legends, right?
These guys that I've looked up to since I was probably in middle school, listening to them on the radio, watching them on Tough Crowd, all that stuff.
And now I'm at the table with them.
I'm playing the same club.
They respect me.
They think I'm the next guy, blah, blah, blah.
And then I had Voss, Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, and Keith Robinson all straight to camera say how much they don't respect me, how much I suck, and how much I'm not the next guy.
Because I just wanted to, I wanted it to be comedy the whole way through.
You know, a lot of people are doing very meaningful, touching stuff, injecting some heart into their specials.
And that's all well and good.
You know, that certainly works for a lot of people.
I'm not that guy at the moment.
So I just wanted to basically be as self-deprecating about myself as possible while presenting something that means everything to me.
The only reason I said no to the idea, it wasn't about like not showing reverence to these guys.
Obviously, I think that's the most important thing to, you know, show, but it was I thought your idea was to use, not use, but like utilize their like status in the comedy world to like push the special up.
I didn't think, I didn't think it was going to be that.
I mean, I thought it would maybe help give credit, like credibility to it more than it would elevate the views or exposure.
Right, right, right.
And that's, that's what was my thinking with it.
And I was like, you would have way more at the end of the day, it's like, how do we just get someone to watch it?
Because yeah, if I had Logan Paul getting throat fucked on there, then it would be a big special.
Yeah.
Like that, I mean, like on some, on some level, that would be the big cosine.
You know what I mean?
I mean, so it's like, I guess I was thinking just in my mind, I'm going, I know the food is delicious.
How do I get someone to try it?
So what is the most effective tool to get someone to try it?
Sagalo's arms.
Sagalow's arms.
So vomit everything out first.
And then they're hungry.
And then they get patient low.
They're absolutely disgusted.
Whoa.
Burn their retinas and then they'll appreciate beauty afterwards.
That is amazing.
Oh, what a great idea.
I didn't even realize how fucking nuanced this was.
But I guess, yeah, the idea was just thinking, I just want to find a way where people can see you because I know once they see you, they're going to fucking love it, et cetera.
And is that the right tool?
And my thinking was, you kind of are known in these circles already.
The Jim and Sam's, you know, you've done all their podcasts, et cetera.
So like when I'm trying to promote anything, I'm always thinking, how do I get out of my circle?
Yeah.
Not within my circle.
Yeah, you're smarter than me.
Yes.
Yes.
So the idea was, I thought it was great and I thought the execution was great, but the promotion of it, I'm like, how can we get outside the circle?
Like even now, when you were talking about, you know, when we wanted you to come on the podcast, it was like, I said, hey, let's do it after it's out.
I don't want to push towards it.
No, of course.
I want it to exist so everybody watching right now can go consume it.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, like that's, I think that's the thing that we've, we've, uh, we think about promotion backwards in that way.
It's everybody's like, oh, we need to promote for this thing.
It's like, no, that's not how it works.
Right.
The thing needs to be there so that when people are ready, they can go consume it.
You needed to promote for something back in the day when a rating mattered.
Now the slow build matters.
Like I had a TED talk that did okay.
I went on Rogan.
Now it's at a million views.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why?
Because it existed after you saw the Rogan thing.
You're like, I want some more of this guy, et cetera.
Yeah.
So like you don't want your first video to go viral, I've realized, because and it's something, what's uh, Basement Yard, Joe Santogato talked about once you go viral, people see the video and they say, oh, what else do they have?
Sure.
Your viral video is the top champagne class in that tower.
Sacrificing Content for Bigger Reach00:02:59
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
So whatever that is, you want it.
Yes, it really is.
So you want it to just spill on to all these other things.
And then hopefully you keep getting more things that spill.
And we've been able to watch this in real time when a video hits.
I'm sure you've seen it with yours.
All the other stuff starts.
Even Feeney, man, shout out to Mike Feeney that I do the podcast with.
Very funny comic.
He's been on this.
And he fucking exploded on TikTok.
He got like a couple videos that are like a million on TikTok.
He's seeing that.
He's huge with Taiwanese 11-year-olds.
That's it.
Those might be the only girls he's huge with.
Yeah.
So it's just one of those things where, like, I don't know.
I just wanted it to be out.
I wanted you to have people see it.
And like how we get people to it, I think is important.
Yeah.
Oh, and that's why you're smart because this is my first full digital project outside of podcasts, but I've been quietly uploading every, you know, I've had a bunch of clips do really well on Instagram and Twitter and stuff like that.
But I, and I've been quietly putting them on a YouTube page that I didn't even necessarily promote.
But you built it.
Now I have kind of at least tens of videos for people to check out after they watch my full special.
Not to mention, my special is 32 minutes of stand-up.
I've did a full hour.
So there's 25 more minutes that I plan to roll out once the full hour audio album comes out.
Those clips are going to be individually sent out.
Then I'm going to chop up the special afterwards.
So this is a full year of content that I'm going to roll out because I have a couple bits on the special that as singular pieces, I think could possibly do something.
You should.
And then you should repurpose them, re-put them out.
And also when you're putting them on Instagram, use all the real estate.
This is something I don't get comics.
I don't get comics that do this.
So you can post a small horizontal picture on Instagram, right?
Right.
Or you can post a tall picture that takes up almost the whole screen on Instagram, right?
If I was selling you a piece of real estate and I was like, you can have this much real estate for the same price as double the amount of real estate, which would you choose?
Yeah, double.
So then fucking use it all.
I do have a question.
Yeah.
Do you know how to personally resize video?
Yes.
You hire an Alex.
100%.
Okay.
And if Alex is busy, you hire a Mark.
Okay.
That's how it is.
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
But in all seriousness, yeah, you can.
You can really, it's actually not that hard.
I see them do it.
I watch.
It's a few clicks.
I don't see my guy do it, but it doesn't seem to take him long.
So, you know what I mean?
It can't be that hard.
Well, what I did before them is I would just zoom in.
So, like, and if I cut myself off or clip myself off, I just sacrificed that because I figured bigger was better.
It was just more, you could get in front of their eyeballs more.
That's all right.
Anyway, we don't have to get into like the minutiae of it, but it's like, I'm very excited for you, and I'm very excited for everybody who's putting out their own shit.
Justice for Assaulted Families00:13:01
I want you to succeed because it's like the future and people really only understand.
I think people see my success and I think they're like, okay, let's go.
That's a model.
I want to replicate it.
And it is the model.
So the more people that also have success like that, the more people invest in that.
Yeah, of course.
And then you start to like, how good did it feel to put it out?
It felt great.
And the idea of like, of not listening to you initially and not like, because I went to you for an Andrew Schultz presents just to be fully transparent.
And what I say, you said yes.
Yes.
And I said yes.
And I said, wait till you have the kid, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, let's, once you have the kid, there's something.
Yeah, yeah.
Because it's like, you are drug dad.
And you know how many drug dads there are?
Quite a bit.
Yeah.
It's, they're all.
I make our generation is: I'm a dad who loves my kid.
I take care of my kid.
I'm also on DMT.
Right.
Or I'm also whatever.
I'm a plot patriarch.
But yeah, so the idea of it was I was like, I was like, yeah, I do.
I love Andrew.
I want to work with Andrew for sure.
But then I was like, what did Andrew do?
He built up his own thing.
He can stand on his own two feet.
He created a foundation that he can build upwards from.
So while wanting to work with you was appealing and getting that mass exposure, I also wanted to be sure that once I got that mass exposure, I had a house to put it in.
That's the thing.
Like, and maybe I didn't articulate that with you.
It's like, I don't, I'm not interested in building up myself with other comics.
Right.
I just want you guys to build up yourselves.
Totally.
And if I have a selfish goal in it, the long-term selfish goal is that's the only way we can reorganize New York.
Yeah.
Like the only way is if you guys have a massive podcast, right?
If Akash is selling out shows around the fucking world and his YouTube is exploding, if all of us have power and we can kind of combine that power like the West Coast guys do, we can make New York.
We get all the infinity stones.
We really need to do it.
So it's like right now we're in the process.
Like even this studio, this studio is an investment in New York comedy.
It's not just us.
It's, hey, History Hyenas, you guys need to cook something up?
Chris and Yannis just hit me the other day.
Hey, can we do some ladder 14?
Yeah, when you want.
What did I say when you walked in here?
You're like, any ideas you have?
Just let's fucking make something out of this city.
We've been resting on our laurels.
There's a bunch of guys who are, you know, having heart attacks and strokes at the cellar, right?
Who are our fucking OGs.
And we've been sitting there letting them hold it down for 20 years.
Yeah.
None of us taking the fucking rein.
They took the reins eventually.
It's up to us if we want to honor them to build New York up again.
Like that's why I put them in my special and I want to stand on their shoulders and push them underwater.
Right underneath the water.
Drown them off.
Okay.
Let them grab onto Sagalo's arms with buoys.
They do look like the bumpers of a boat as you're trying to park it.
Anyway, guys, we should.
Well, actually, first, Mike Cannon, what is your YouTube so they can go get it?
We'll put the link in the YouTube page for these videos.
Of course.
It's Mike Cannon Comedy on YouTube.
You can find my special on there called Life Begins.
I have a bunch of stand-up videos.
I have old sketches from when my YouTube was set up as Dong Comic 2.
Love it.
Yeah.
Give us one thing to go to.
I think that's a big mistake.
The special.
Life Begins.
Go watch the special.
Now, if they don't have 45 minutes, is there one bit on there that you really think showcases who you are on YouTube?
I think there's one bit about circumcision that's really great.
It's like a six-minute chunk on the decision to circumcise my son.
But is it on the video?
We're in the city.
That's in the middle.
But the end, actually, it's a story about how I volunteered to get bit by a marine dog when I performed in the Middle East.
Yeah, I would recommend everybody go to that because I think that's a pretty blistering six minutes.
That's good.
I think because it's one of the things, these things that we do a lot as comics or, you know, even podcasters where we're like, yo, check my podcast out.
And then someone goes and looks at the podcast, and there's 200 episodes, yeah, right, and it becomes daunting, right?
Like you get almost intimidated, and then you're like, Do I want to invest two hours in something I don't even know if I like?
So, from now on, I never say, Check out my podcast, I say, check out Franks and Beans.
There's an episode that we have, or check out this specific thing, yeah, yeah.
So, I want to push people towards a specific thing.
Sure, they find out who my cannon is, and then if they like that, then they'll fucking ride with you.
Yeah, but yeah, go check that out, man.
I appreciate it, man.
Thank you very much.
Yo, we got to talk about Kobe, man.
Yeah, I guess we do.
Holy fuck, yeah, it's pretty brutal, right?
I mean, I don't know how you guys are taking it.
I suppose I was on Louis J. Gomez's podcast last night, and he couldn't be more disconnected from the sports world, even though he's a huge fan of sweaty men rolling around in an octagon.
Uh, and he considers you know, adulation of a sports star somehow gay, but uh, but he loves fighting, right?
It's so weird.
But I was arguing about how much this means to people like us because we watched the guy's whole career, yeah, from 17 to 41.
That was the number one Kobe hater on earth when he played, yeah, but you had to respect him, and then also after career cobe, we talked about this.
He had the greatest post-playing career we had ever seen.
Yeah, he won a fucking Oscar, he's spending all this time with his kids, he seems happy.
Like, Michael Jordan, better player, you see him post-retirement, he looks miserable, miserable, yeah, and a like true sociopath.
Like, even so, nobody has good stories of Michael Jordan, really.
Kobe, you're hearing all this good stuff, and you look at him like this guy still looks good, right?
In shape, and he just seemed invincible.
He seemed like this is his post-playing career, is going to be incredible.
He's going to do phenomenal things.
He's a wise person, you want to hear what he has to say.
In 20 years, he would have been like a fucking philosopher that we would have listened to.
Yeah, well, and the ultra wokes want to, you know, obviously come after him for the allegations in Denver and everything like that.
But if you look at that, cunt Evan Rachel Wood.
Oh, this fucking cunt.
I told you guys that listened to this.
You remember when I had a beef with her a fucking year ago, and then that guy Jimmy got involved.
What's his name, Jimmy?
The other guy from the show, McPoyle from Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
No, was he one of the McPoyles?
Was he?
I'm pretty sure, yeah.
You know, the Weird Brothers and Always, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He got a fucking good burn on me.
He did have a good burn.
He said I sounded like a villain from a ski movie like your dad owns them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was pretty good, but fuck you too, Jimmy.
Anyway, but go back, Evan Rachel Wood.
I dare you to say anything about it.
Oh, a lot of white bitches were white bitches.
Can y'all not just make some shit about you for a second?
It's crazy.
Is that possible?
But also, here's Apollo and Kissing Woody Allen on the red carpet, you stupid bitch.
I can't believe that you could take a moral high ground on any rape allegation whatsoever and do a movie with Woody Allen.
Like those worlds can't exist.
I'm sorry.
What's the girl's name?
Colin Joe's wife.
What's her name?
Scarlett Johannes.
You got to shut up.
Yeah.
Well, she said she's for Woody.
She's offended.
Of course she is.
Because if you weren't and you did the movie, you're an asshole.
She doesn't have a choice, right?
Like, of course, she's for Woody.
Right?
You are grandfathered into for Woody.
Because if you say you believe he did it and you still did the movie, you do rapist movies.
Yeah.
And pedophile movies.
And is she a big feminist spokesperson?
I don't know her to say much.
Not really.
She's also anti-diversity.
She's like, I don't find it paramount.
She's like, I think just the most talented people should care what they do.
I love that.
And she was skewered.
I love that.
Yeah.
That's a cool white girl.
No, I'm with that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But go on.
But she has to say that so she could work.
Right.
Like when these white girls are like, we need more diversity.
And then they don't get the role.
And they're like, I've been touched.
Well, that is.
Isn't that what happened with all these me two girls?
Like, they're like, diversity, diversity.
And then they're like, all right, well, now you're out.
And they're like, well, Harvey Mines.
That's a very, very funny byproduct of all of this.
Is like, I wish a woman of color could have had my job.
And it's like, well, you were in the position to hand it off.
Yeah.
Or you wish you could have the job that you were getting raped at?
Yeah, yeah.
You want to give that to a woman of color?
What are you trying to hand off here?
And also, at any point in time, you can donate women of color money.
Like, if you want to help women of color, it's right there.
Yeah.
Right?
Very, very, you're going to get a movie soon.
You could give that to a woman of color.
Yeah.
You keep shaving your head, Rose McGowan.
It's like, donate the hair to these black women that are going to buy it anyway.
Do you know what I mean?
Like the least that you can do.
You're making them buy Akash's fucking cousin's hair and shit.
They don't know no better.
The point with the Kobe, even with the Kobe allegation.
Okay, here's something that pissed me off.
Once you accept the settlement, that's the price that it costs you to not get raped.
Okay?
You make a decision in your mind that it wasn't rape.
That's the rape toll, baby.
No, no.
You were like, it's a toll of consensual.
It's a toll.
I was raped.
The drawbridges up and the drugs.
And then it closed.
Right?
So it's like, I was raped.
And then he was like, $25 million.
And then you were like, that was sex.
That's what you're saying.
That's the price for it to be sex, right?
Because here's the thing.
And this is for people who get all crazy and take this out of context.
No, no.
You can go to criminal court, lose, and then go to civil court and win.
Have you heard of a guy named OJ Simpson?
Yes.
Okay.
When you choose to not even go through the criminal court or the civil, you're just accepting payment.
Right?
Yeah.
You don't care about the justice.
She didn't go to criminal court.
Well, they went to criminal or they were going to, but the charges were dropped.
You dropped the charges to accept the money.
So you don't care about him getting justice.
Not to mention his apology is paint by numbers perfect for progressives.
Because he did say, he's like, listen, I didn't think that this was not consensual, but it's very clear to me considering her testimony.
Clarify what you said.
Clarify.
I didn't use too many no's right there.
So, so I thought this was consensual.
In my opinion, that's what it was.
However, due to once hearing her testimony and her account of things, it's very clear to me that she did not.
And he's like, so I would like to apologize to her, her family.
Like, he literally laid it out as if a perfect apology could, you know, as perfect of an apology for rape.
For real.
And also, that's the apology that her lawyers agreed on being out there because the deal was, I'm going to give you this apology.
It can't be used in any other court case.
Now, my personal feeling is if you drop the charge, accept the money, and you don't pursue criminal or other civil, you just wanted the money, and that's fine, but you could have got the money in civil.
The money's always on the table.
So if you just got the 25 and they basically said, hey, you might have gotten 12 here, but you can get 25 or whatever the fuck it was, you're putting money over justice.
So if you don't care about justice, why do we?
Couldn't you also, though, just be like, I don't think we're going to win because he's got the better lawyers.
He's got the whatever.
Like the chips are stacked in his favor in terms of resources.
They're never stacked.
They're never stacked.
With a rape victim, they're never stacked in the favor of the man.
Like if we want to go over courses of like how many wrongful convictions, like we're talking about.
But how many untested rape kits are there?
Like it depends how you look at it, right?
Like, you know, and how many rich people get locked up for rape.
But here, so here's what's actually a good point.
Brock Turner got like a fucking, he raped somebody and then he got like six minutes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And a steak dinner when he got out or whatever the fuck.
Like yeah, yeah.
Is he rich?
Is that that why not out there?
He went to Stanford.
His parents are well.
Yeah.
He was well to do.
Right.
I don't know.
I don't look.
Look, Cook.
I don't know.
My point is, at a certain point in time, like if you think a rapist is out there in the world, then we have like a social responsibility to not have him out there in the world.
Right.
Yeah.
I think that when you go, okay, I'll accept this money, which I don't blame you, by the way.
No, no, do you know what I'm saying?
Like If someone raped me, I want 25 million over justice.
Yeah.
Like, if someone raped me and you could be in jail or you could be free and I got 25 million, I think that's the right one.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
I mean, I think that's when you said it's it doesn't matter if it's justice to everyone else, it's justice to the victim.
Yeah, I think that's where everybody gets so hairy and they they kind of they take in the information through their own trauma filter, right?
So because they've been through some shit, maybe they've been assaulted, maybe they have family that's been assaulted.
Now they still want to come for that guy because technically he just paid somebody off because he raped.
So they know he's still out in the world and it reopens their own personal wound and they want to seek justice still based on their own experience.
And they can't be rewarded.
I think that's where it gets tricky for people.
It's like it's one thing if he goes and does his thing, you go do your thing, nobody talks anymore.
But when people start saying what a great guy he is, that was the Weinstein shit.
I think it was like when people going, oh, he cares about women, he's supporting all these other things.
Kobe, LeBron, and Work Ethic00:14:49
It was like, well, whoa, whoa.
How much of a gangster is he, though, in the courtroom to just be like, and nobody's talking about all the good I've done for these whores.
Like, he's limping in and dragging a foot.
He's like, these bitches have a statue because of me.
It's true.
Motherfucker came through.
The statue's name is Oscar.
They got a three-picture deal after I forcibly stuck my putt in them.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's just, well, whatever.
The Kobe thing is tragic.
Obviously, it's a it's interesting just hearing all the stories about Kobe.
Have you guys been like trying to pay attention to that?
Yeah.
There are very few stories about Kobe.
Like I don't know if you notice, like I've been scouring the internet.
Every story is about the relentless work ethic.
Right?
Every athlete story about Kobe is either I was at the gym first and then he got there and then the next day he was there first or he's talking to Allen Iverson and Alan Iverson said, you know, Kobe goes, what are you going to do later tonight?
And Alan's like, I'm going to the club.
He's like, I'm going to the gym.
Right.
Right.
Like he took back Kobe's sneakers from his whole Laker team because he said, you guys don't deserve these.
You're too soft.
That was a story.
Fucking great.
Dude, how wild is that?
Yo, it is.
But there's an interesting thing that I learned about Kobe just talking to some people.
And it was he was unexposable.
He was a complete player.
There was nothing that you could attack, right?
Like you couldn't attack him defensively.
You couldn't let him shoot the three, especially towards the end of his career.
He was proficient at it.
Like he was as close as you get to a complete and perfect player.
Like even LeBron is scared to shoot, you know, sometimes.
Not a great free throw shooter.
Not a great free throw shooter.
The only way to expose Kobe is to almost make him shoot too much.
Yeah.
Like he shot himself out of the finals that one year where it was very clear he was like, he just wanted it so bad that his body just couldn't handle the task at hand.
But that's almost the way to expose Kobe is like, you want to do this yourself?
By all means, score 140.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
But it was just, and apparently there's so much respect amongst the players just for the singular focus.
And, you know, I always thought that Kobe, you know, emulated Michael Jordan and Jordan's work ethic.
And he was like, I'm going to be a student in this game because Michael was a student in the game and I'm going to be perfect this game because Michael was.
And it turns out his influence wasn't Michael Jordan.
It was Michael Jackson.
Apparently, he spoke to Michael Jackson about making Thriller and he was making another album and he was like involved in some way, just kind of like in the periphery.
And Michael Jackson was like breaking down all the little things that he would do and how like this insane attention to detail and how you create an album like bad or create an album like thriller.
And Kobe said that I didn't want to be Michael Jordan.
I wanted the work ethic of Michael Jackson.
I wanted that type of specificity and that type of focus.
That type of settling out of court.
It took it one step too far, I think.
He really tried to create it.
He found Neverland.
I'll tell you that.
Do you think that's true, or do you think he's just like, look, I don't want everybody to think I'm just copying MJ.
Maybe a little bit of both.
I think the reason why Kobe was so happy after playing, or at least we think he was happy after playing, is because he probably attacked retirement with the same attitude and focus.
I think that's what he said.
Did he?
Yeah, you just take it and you move it to this.
You take that focus and you move it to these other things.
Yeah.
And obviously, Jordan can't do that.
He still has this competitive fire that needs to be, you know, I just put out in some way, shape, or form, or just ignored through maybe like gambling or alcohol or, you know, cigars or whatever the fuck that is.
But like, yeah, Kobe was able to look at how do I enjoy not playing in family and business with the same type of hyper focus and it fucking functioned for him.
And it's kind of like, in a way, that's almost like the most, maybe the most profound part of his legacy because there are all these athletes that just fall the fuck apart after the game.
Look at poor Iverson.
His face is like booze bloat.
Bro, it's crazy.
Yeah.
You look at him, you feel sad.
You're like, dude, you're still a young guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
The one thing Kobe, like, this is what, to me, fully sets him apart from Michael Jordan is that he like knew his kid's first name.
Michael Jordan barely knows Marcus and Jeffrey.
Like, I mean, those kids are on Instagram, like, fanning out bills since they were 17 years old, having accomplished nothing.
They have zero work ethic whatsoever.
Who knows what the fuck they're doing now?
But like, Kobe was hands-on, especially with the older daughter.
She was the one mostly exposed to media and stuff like that.
It's like you see those clips of him working out with her individually and like teaching her and how passionate he was even about women's basketball and wanting to champion the WNBS.
I think she's the second.
Second.
Oh, she's the second.
And that's the really, we haven't touched on that.
That's what made this so fucking sad.
If Kobe was gone, it would have been shocking because you thought he was invincible, but then at some point, you'd have been like, Kobe lived a life.
He would have looked at you morning and been like, and there's a meme going around, like Gallusoff, get in the gym.
Right.
Yeah.
But Gigi is just like, oh, fuck, dude.
Now there's a whole different thing.
That's brutal.
13-year-old girl who seemed like there's a story, Kobe, on, I think, Kimmel.
And he's talking about Gigi.
And fans will be like, yo, Kobe, you got to have a son, man.
And he's like, why?
He's like, you need somebody to carry on the legacy.
And Gigi's like, no, no, no.
I got this.
And it's like, fuck, dude, that's beautiful.
Little Mamba right there.
And then she's gone too.
And fuck, dude.
He just put in for whatever, Mamba Sita.
That was going to be her, her whole moniker.
I know.
It's tough, man.
It's like, I have a brand new kid, six months old, right?
Kobe has a six-month-old kid.
The thought of leaving my son with my wife or even worse, taking my son with me to the other side and leaving my wife, it's so, it's sickening.
Like, you know, I read it in the car, which is probably dangerous to do.
I've read the news while I'm driving.
I'm like half crying, half reading an article, and then veering back into the lane.
And it's just like, you know, all those things kind of flood into your consciousness, right?
Because, you know, I've never hugged my kid harder than when I got home because it's like, you never know, man.
I've had a lot of friends die.
And every single time it happens, it's just a shocking reminder of mortality.
You know, it's kind of crazy.
Someone texted me this on the way here.
So I haven't gotten to look into it more.
T-Mec apparently said Kobe always said he wanted to die young.
He wanted to be immortalized, which is crazy and kind of cool if he even went out on his own terms for Kobe, for Gigi, the worst.
There's no way he would want that for Gigi.
He didn't want that.
No chance he wanted that.
But about the Die Young thing, it is quite interesting because Kobe might achieve his ultimate dream posthumously in that he wanted to be the greatest player ever, right?
And how you get remembered as the greatest player ever is often narrative, right?
Like there's going to be a time where people forget about Michael Jordan.
I know it sounds crazy, but like this generation of kids who grew up wearing the Jordans, they don't remember Jordan.
Yeah.
Right.
They don't remember what he actually did as a player.
He just lives on in YouTube.
It lives on YouTube in shitty quality.
And as that gets grainier and grainier, you know, people are going to watch it less and less, you know?
So it's like Kobe will one, be immortalized because of this.
And we'll look back at the greatness of Kobe and be reminded of the greatness of Kobe through like the most clear frames you possibly can.
And two, if they make him the logo, which I think is a realistic thing.
I agree.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, Kobe gets something his idol MJ will never get, which is being immortalized forever and being synonymous with the NBA.
I think that's why he wanted to die young because he knew I'm not as good as MJ, but if I go, I'm better.
Do you think even a little part of LeBron was thinking about putting on a flying squirrel costume and jumping off the staples center?
He's like, I got to match this.
There's no way.
There's no way.
The video of LeBron crying is fucking heartbreaking.
That's why that's also a brutal element of this is you realize how filthy the media is because everybody's concerned with getting their first not right.
So they're reporting that all four of his fucking daughters were on the thing.
Rick Fox has to put out a thing being like, oh no, guys, this is awful, but I'm not dead.
And then you get these super Zoom images of poor LeBron, this man that is like, you know.
I hated myself for watching it.
And I was just like, this is why they take these shitty pictures.
This is the ultimate voyeur.
The guy can't even mourn without us being like, ooh, look at that.
I'm shocked he has human emotion.
Yeah.
I asked.
His feet are so fucking slanted.
That's what I was saying.
It is an odd guy.
Who?
LeBron's feet.
This should be like W's, man.
He just fucking the way he walks.
It's like a silent film.
Never noticed that.
Yeah, it's very chaplain.
This fucking gate of chaplain.
I asked Burr last night because, you know, Burr's a big helicopter guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was like, what is your take?
You're going to stop flying a helicopter?
Like, what's the whole thing?
And he goes, he basically said, he's like, no.
And he kind of breaks down in like real detail what happened.
Like, I mean, I was fucking lost.
I couldn't keep up, but I was fascinated.
I mean, he was talking about IVF and EVF and all these different things and like fly assistance and all that shit.
But he basically said it was the pilot's error.
And he goes, the most dangerous thing with a pilot is either low amount of hours or high amount of hours.
Because high amount of hours, you'd think you could do anything.
So basically what happened is they came over this hill and there was all this fog that was kind of condensed to the valley.
And they only cleared it by 100 feet.
Cleared what?
The hill.
So they barely get over the hill.
And then I guess on the way down, he's taking it down.
And when you have all this fog, you can't see and you have to trust the infrared technology or whatever it is.
But you have to tell, if you feel a helicopter going to the side, your body is going to readjust it itself.
You have to look at that fucking infrared and then tell your body that it's lying to you, essentially.
And they took a gamble going like nobody should have gone.
Literally.
Other than you taking off, it's too foggy.
And they were like, let's go.
And they were reminded multiple times and they could have sat down.
So it is truly pilot's error.
Now, you're the pilot, you're in there with fucking Kobe Bryant.
You're in there.
Like, isn't it also Kobe's decision to go?
You also don't know if Kobe is such a like, like, come on, man, let's let's get this done.
You don't know how if he pushed or if the pilot pushed, you know, exactly, exactly.
But at the end of the day, you're a passenger.
You're not the pilot.
And the pilot, if I tell the pilot of the fucking jet blue flight, hey, wait, let's speed it up a little bit.
We need to get to LA or like, hey, bring it down, whatever.
I booked my own ticket for this.
I minted.
They're going to tell me to fuck off.
And at a certain point in time, as a pilot, you got to say no.
That is your actual job is to tell whoever the fuck is in that plane no.
You know, the lesson I took from that, though, for everybody is Aaliyah, they knew there was too much shit on the plane and they're like, put it on anyway.
Let's go.
Let's do it.
But, and we all kind of judge that, but every one of us makes that decision driving, and we should all think about it.
Like, if you're going 90 miles an hour to try to get somewhere faster versus 75, whatever the speed limit is, you're getting there four minutes quicker than you normally would.
Yeah.
It's literally five minutes.
I cannot explain how worse that four minutes is.
I'm a behind.
It's so worth that four minutes.
I'm a be honest.
It is so crazy.
You know how long four minutes is?
Look at Brennan Sagalow's arms for four minutes and tell me you like, I shouldn't drive 90 miles per hour on this fucking highway right now.
It is so worth it.
I love you, Brennan.
It is so worth it.
Those four minutes worth it.
Nah.
Yes.
Nah.
You want to drive 65?
You're telling me you drive the speed limit.
You can do 10 over.
Yeah.
10 over.
Everybody doing 10.
Go with flow of traffic.
Okay, so 10 over.
Why are you saving?
Why are you saving 30 seconds?
Because that's flow of traffic.
I'll give you a speech.
But you think 75 to 65 is going to make it.
I don't feel dangerous at 75.
90.
You're starting to do your fucking swerving in and out of lane.
You're swerving in and out of lane.
You're going straight.
Who going straight?
If you're going 90 and the car in front of you going 75, how are you going to get around them?
You go 75.
You go 75.
That's not 50.
You go into another lane.
You go around his bitch ass, and then you go 90 again.
I'm not saying I go 90, but when Alex goes 90 and we're all sleeping because he's in a fucking Tesla and he got some fucking weights that he hangs on the steering wheel to trick the steering wheel into thinking that his hand is on it and we're passed out of sleep going 90 miles per hour.
I felt very comfortable.
Okay?
Crazy.
I felt very comfortable.
Okay.
You wouldn't feel comfortable?
I don't listen, man.
Andrew Bryant, let's chill, son.
Let's chill.
We don't need that.
I'm not in a chopper.
I'm not in a chopper, bro.
That's different.
Sometimes you can be a garden snake.
Son, I don't know what you're talking about.
Gardener snake.
Gardener snake.
What I'm trying to tell you is in the car, you could roll.
There's a thing.
There are things you could do in a car that you can't do in the, bro.
A helicopter is different, dog.
A helicopter is a wrap.
Smaller margin of error.
Yeah.
Car.
You ain't a Power Ranger, son.
What are you hopping out of?
I'm not hopping out.
You can roll.
I have an airbag.
I have an airbag.
That's true.
Right?
It has airbags.
What's crazy is we saw someone die because they fell asleep on the road.
Like we saw a human being die.
And then Andrew's like, hey, Alex, just put the shit on the wheel and let's just take a nap.
I was in the passenger seat, to be fair.
I was in the passenger seat.
But I also figured they wouldn't make a car that was going to run right into the median.
That'd be bad for, but that'd be bad for the brands, right?
Why would you make that car?
Why would Tesla make that car?
And then the whole brand goes to shit.
It's in your best interest to get me to Boston.
It's in your best interest, right?
Am I right or wrong?
I love how you gauge your life based on like stock prices.
You're like, well, clearly they don't want to take it.
They don't want a team to die.
I'm saying you're going speed limit your whole life.
You're going 75.
I'm usually doing about 10 over.
10 over.
Why?
Or flow of traffic.
If nobody's going fast, you can't go.
What if everybody's going 85?
You go 20 over?
I go with flow of traffic.
Again, I'm not weaving in and out.
I'm not trying to pass everybody up, but that's it.
And I'll do it sometimes.
Therapy in the Passenger Seat00:08:19
And then my girl, well, she'll do it too.
And she's like, yo, we say five minutes.
I'm like, yo, you're right.
I should chill.
Because there's times you're trying to catch a train or whatever the fuck, and you're just going all over the road.
And then you're like, yo, if I catch the next train, what's the big fucking deal?
I could leave 10 minutes earlier just as easily.
Yeah.
I leave early.
That's, I mean, I've had so many friends die from car-related incidents.
Really?
Like a ton.
Yeah.
Bro, you acted like motherfuckers don't die on the road more than ours.
I grew up in New York City.
Nobody had a car.
You die on the subway.
That's how you die.
And that's rare.
Yeah.
Anybody dying on the subway?
Very few people die on the subway.
Controlled speeds.
But I go the speed limit because I'm high typically.
So it's like kind of a fun video game.
So you get high.
Yeah.
How does that not affect people's driving a bit?
It certainly does.
It has to.
Yeah.
Dog.
I remember the first time Mark got high.
We were in Denver.
We smoked medical-grade marijuana.
Mark, for the first time in his life, gets high.
And we realized that we had to drive back to the hotel.
And then we're like, Mark, you got this, right?
Literally, I treated it no different than like checking to see if a girl has an STD or not.
And I was like, you're good, right?
Well, you passed the eye test.
Yeah, exactly.
But he got us there.
Yeah.
But we were dumb for that, though.
We were dumb for that.
Again, you go Uber there, Uber back.
Yeah, we should have fucking Ubered.
That's the thing.
Sometimes it works to your advantage.
I was in Seattle once and I took a legal medical grade edible.
Yeah.
Ate like, you know, one of those buckets of fucking crab that you smash.
And then I was driving back to my hotel, never been to Seattle before, and about 12 miles away from, I missed this turn three separate times.
And it was such a big, it was such a big exit that it took me five miles out of the way.
And I did that three times in a row.
I was so stoned.
And after the third time, I finally got it.
And I was like, yeah, and I'm still 12 miles.
My phone died.
And I'm just the most high I've ever been behind the wheel in a city I've never been to.
And I'm like, I think I was near the airport and I just kind of kept driving towards the airport and I just happened upon my hotel and I was like, I'm the smartest man in America.
Yo, I always say this.
I never, until last week, never done a drug in my life.
But I always encourage Cannon.
He's the one comic.
Most comics, I'm like, yo, man, don't party too much.
Don't get out of control.
Cannon, I'm like, you do whatever you got to do.
God damn right.
I haven't drank in 13 months, though.
Hey, good for you.
Yeah.
But what about drugs, though?
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, no drugs for what about yes, drugs?
Mushrooms?
Mushrooms.
I did mushrooms at Ricky Velez's wedding in Miami.
That was super fun.
It's kind of an odd thing because everybody's drinking and stuff, and I'm like shaking hands with God in the corner.
Have you done DMT?
Yeah.
What the fuck is that?
Rogan always talks about it.
Yeah.
I'll give you the abridged version, but it's dimethyltryptamine.
It's what your brain secretes as you're dying.
A lot of people, the theory behind it is that it eases your transition from life into death.
They also believe it's responsible for Steve Jobs' last six words, which were oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow, as he was passing away.
Crazy, right?
And they also think that maybe he just saw all the Chinese kids he put in sweatshops waiting for him in the gates of hell.
They're just sitting there just sharpening throwing stars.
Like, hello, Steve.
Falling out of the buildings they worked in.
Hitting the net and then bouncing into it.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
That was all their names.
He literally just said, oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow.
And it's the most potent hallucinogen on the market.
So they found a way to synthesize it from a plant.
Okay, synthesize it from a plant.
And then you do it.
How long does it last?
Eight to 12 earth minutes.
But it could feel much different.
So my first one was like eight minutes.
It felt probably, it felt in the proximity of a half hour, I guess.
But it's really fast.
It's almost too fast to process, especially if you're not used to hallucinogens, which I am.
But it like, you know, your whole, your sense of reality breaks down in front of you and it takes you through levels and dimensions of consciousness, but it's really fast and it shoots you up and around, or at least for me, it shoots you around.
It kept taking me deeper, deeper, and then back up as if to show me levels.
And then I, you know, a bunch of symbolic stuff happened where my dad, like, first of all, a silhouette of a giant head like kind of came across my periphery.
And I, I, I was like, is that Steve Bannon?
I don't know why I thought it was Steve Bannon, but it turned and it was my dad's head and he was just looking at me and then it tore in half.
And then a bunch of other stuff that I also have emotional scarring and problems with just it happened in front of me, tore in half.
So it was like a symbolic, like, let it go, get rid of it, like, you know, unload all of this shit that you've been hanging on to and angry about.
It has stayed with me since.
Oh, I got a little concern.
I was like, can we cure that shit?
No, no.
Well, also, weird.
I want to get rid of strip clubs.
Ayahuasca and this thing called Abelgien, which is a similar hallucinogen.
It's like something wild, like 95 to 98% success rate for hardcore heroin addicts.
They had a vice documentary about this where they would take somebody into the desert, give them an abelgene for an extended amount of time, make them confront all of their demons and everything that they have, their trauma that has led them to medicate with whatever drug they're choosing.
And it has shattered that urge and that trauma and they come out the other side sober.
How does it work for schizophrenia?
I assume it's bad.
I assume it.
I mean, that's the thing.
It's like people are like, you're so pro psychedelics and you talk about it all the time.
I'm like, I wouldn't even recommend weed to everybody.
I wouldn't recommend mushrooms because if you're on that border or if you're right there with like any mental illness, which I am, so probably I'm pretty lucky that it hasn't swung the opposite way.
But like it could really, it could set that switch.
You know what I mean?
It could light that wick where now you are bipolar.
Yeah.
Now that happened to my bro.
Yeah.
Psychedelics really sent him over.
Yeah.
I mean, that's why it's like, you got to take precaution with everything you do and really look into it and ask yourself if you feel like you can take it.
DMT is fucking crazy.
DMT is wild, man.
But it's one of those things where like it's unlike any other hallucinogen where you kind of learn your lessons for the weeks after.
So it's such a fast process that you kind of come out of it and you're almost like Ashton Kutcher and butterfly effect.
Like your nose bleeds, you're catching up to all your memories and all that stuff.
You're just like, what the fuck just happened?
And then over the next week, you're kind of like ruminating on it and you, you then, you attach purpose or meaning to certain things that you saw.
Right.
And it helps you kind of, you know, process it.
Turbo therapy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A little bit.
It's therapy, but just much faster.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Therapy, you just think about shit that you talked about.
And then you're like, oh, fuck, maybe that was what it was.
Yeah, there's this.
I mean, I felt this way about Burning Man.
I probably spoke about it here, but like, I didn't realize the influence they would have every year.
You start to like do things or operate a little different.
And then you're like, oh, that's right.
That's what I kind of picked up from that experience.
Right.
So I guess, and drugs are one of them.
Like, I tried Molly for the first time and it was the first time that I felt like an excess of love.
Right.
Like I filled the hole and then went above the hole and had more.
And then what I did with when I had more was just want to give to people.
And it was like, oh, this is how like normally adjusted human beings feel.
Like, I don't know if that exists.
Maybe not, but like, you know, I've thought about religious folks, right?
And this, and I've met like preachers and priests and that kind of stuff.
And regardless if they're like putting it on or not, they're giving.
Sure.
Now, maybe they found a way to like really tap into that thing they believe and like fill that void that exists in all of us with that and then have some excess and with that excess, give it away.
Or maybe they're lying, doesn't matter.
But it was the closest thing that I've experienced to that myself.
Yeah.
Where you're just around some guy like Carl Lentz, this guy, Carl, like he never asked for anything.
All he's like, hey, you want to come to the next game?
The Biggest Life Mistake00:07:49
Hey, how you doing, brother?
How you?
Everyone never asked for a single fucking thing.
Drew, Anita?
Anita.
There's this, this, the woman who just retired, but she would work the desk at the iHeart Media.
And she was the best.
She literally just a ball of fucking joy, constantly giving, constantly grateful, constantly crying, tears of joy and grata.
Get her a coffee.
Thank you so much.
Like, it was like she operates full.
Right.
And it's just one of those things where I would never know what that experience was had I not done drugs.
Yeah, you unlocked it.
Well, I unlocked it.
Now, granted, we have a killer set on stage.
And afterwards, you just want to like be nice to your girlfriend.
Like, that's how I know.
My girl knows I did well when I come home and I'm like nice to her.
And you go down on her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's like, wow, somebody killed.
Yeah, exactly.
She's rooting for me to do well just as much as anybody else.
But there it does exist that experience.
So I think there is utility in drugs because once you know it can happen, it's like when you take some kid who like grew up with like nothing and then you show him the nice part of town.
Yeah.
Once they realize, oh shit, this is attainable.
Right.
I can get that.
Then all of a sudden they can dream that big.
So I think there is utility in drugs.
I also think there is a cost to that utility.
Some people get flipped.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, I come from a repressed Irish Catholic household that was violent.
Like, you know, so it and all of that stuff.
Like you got hit.
Like I got hit.
Yeah.
Did dad and mom fight?
No, they didn't fight each other.
They fought me.
Both of them beat you?
Yeah.
How did they beat you?
My dad closed fist my mom's ring.
Sometimes, yeah.
So you guys would square up?
No, I mean, I was just the victim for the most part.
When my dad and I squared up, he threw a punch at me when I was 19 and on steroids, and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
What happened?
Because so I came home.
I went to two years of junior college to play basketball.
Yeah, Mike can hoop.
I used to be able to.
Now I'm a broken down man, but that's what the CBD is for.
But yeah, so I had visited my girlfriend at the time at Syracuse and I knew where I wanted to go to school because I went to junior college because my parents were like, hey, we lost a lot of money in the stock market.
My dad was a stockbroker.
He's like, if you do this two years, we'll get you, we'll pay for wherever you want to go, wherever you get in afterwards.
So I was like, I wanted to go to Ithaca.
It was near Syracuse, near the girl I was dating at the time, who I was under the delusion we were going to be with for, you know, I was going to be with forever.
I could play basketball there.
It had my major, all this stuff.
I came home from visiting and I'm like, mom, dad, I found it.
I know where I want to go.
And I said Ithaca.
And my dad was like, my parents were in the middle of a divorce, all this turmoil.
My grandpa died.
My dog died.
All my friends are dying.
Right.
And my dad's like, absolutely not fucking SUNY.
And I'm like, what?
He's like, you can only go to SUNY.
We're not paying for it.
SUNY stands for State University of New York.
Right.
Which they also, which I also got stuck with the bill anyway.
So they didn't even pay for SUNY.
So my dad, he's just instantly frothing from the mouth, Irish rage, beat red face, and he's in my face just like SUNY, motherfucker.
And I'm, I'm yelling back because I am 205 pounds of coursing testosterone through my body.
And my dad is 6'2, 280.
Like a big boy.
Okay, big boy.
Big motherfucker.
And he's the smallest of his brothers, too.
All his brothers are like 6'4, 6'5.
So he's thrown down with big guys, too.
Yeah.
Big motherfucker.
Okay.
So my dad, whatever, he like he gets mad and he threw like almost a half-assed uppercut to my body.
And I was T-1000 locked in.
And I chopped down closed fist on his forearm.
So dead forearm the shit out of him.
And like a right fielder throwing to third, I crow hopped and punched him right in his fucking giant St. Bernard head.
Like his Irish melted head.
And he's so big, though, he took it square in the face and stumbled back for like, you know, four feet.
And then I ran away and I went to Villanova to visit my friends, got arrested for underage drinking while I was there because I'd never drank in my entire life.
I drank then.
Then I went to visit my buddies and I was drinking like I trained for it.
I was smoking weed, all this stuff, was pissing in the backyard of this party.
Hold on, did you say you ran away?
Yeah, I ran away as a college man.
But you're 19.
Being an adult, what do you mean?
I ran away from home.
Did you like actually physically run from the fight?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I hit him.
He stumbled back.
That was the biggest mistake of his life.
He took one punch in the face and then this kid ran away.
It was the biggest mistake of his life.
How dare you?
How dare you change the narrative of something I've created in my head?
He took one punch and he didn't have to pay for college.
You know how my parents would take that bet?
Are you kidding me?
That's like Kobe paying the girls.
He didn't fall down.
He stumbled up.
He fell.
He broke his femur.
It was a tough day for Kevin.
Dude, he got the best deal.
Yeah.
Think about that.
He saved 80 grand for one punch.
You punched yourself.
You put yourself in fucking debt.
Dude, are you still paying that off?
Yeah, sure.
He's healed.
He's better.
He's 100% okay.
But every month you're paying fucking.
Oh, man.
This story used to be a success story.
Fucking brutal tale of failure.
It was.
It's like every time you do DMT, you rip apart his face, but not that fucking bill.
That bill's coming every month.
Yo, he might have gained away from 280, but your wallet damns your way back.
About 80,000 light.
Oh, dude.
We should call him.
Can we face up him, bro?
I haven't spoken to him in like eight months.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he hasn't met my kid.
What?
Yeah.
Why?
What happened?
Because we have a terrible relationship.
We just, after college.
You would think you would make up after you paid for your own college and you didn't have to take it.
You think he tells that story to his friends?
Like, my kid punched me in the face and it was the biggest mistake of his life.
I mean, this pussy was on steroids and he couldn't even knock me over.
And then he paid for college.
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So he hasn't met your kid?
No.
Why?
Because he's just a shithead.
Insane Skin Garnish Rules00:09:35
I think he's like, he's for sure mentally ill.
And I try to...
I try to approach this with as much empathy and understanding as I possibly can.
Because my family is not an open, communicative family.
Now, the people that I keep close to me are my sisters and I are, my mother and I are, my father.
What is IR?
Communicative.
So we speak.
We are community.
My mother and I are community.
I are.
Yeah, yeah.
I thought it was injured reservist.
Like he's punching these chicks too.
Like, what's going on over here?
Cannon's family is.
I didn't find out that there was a there was a history of mental illness in my family until like five years ago.
Like I didn't know my dad's dad.
I mean, I knew he like beat him up and all that stuff.
Irish people need a charlemagne.
Yeah.
Like someone just go out there and like tell Irish people it's okay to seek mental health.
Yeah.
Like because people don't realize the Irish Catholics in general do not fuck with mental health.
No.
Tell the priest, stiff upper lip, get back to your fucking business.
Yeah, yeah.
Get to work.
And then there's all this drug use.
There's all this drinking and there's all these families that are like really torn apart.
It's kind of sad.
Yeah, it's Bruce.
So keep going.
So we like my dad, my dad's dad, he was a cop.
Everybody in the family is a cop.
And he fucking stuck his service revolver in his mouth in front of all eight of his kids in Levittown, New York.
He didn't pull the trigger.
They like wrestled the gun away from him, spent time in an insane asylum, then was doped up on his couch for two years.
I only found out about that five years ago.
So I've been wrestling with my own depression, anger issues, anxiety, all this stuff, thinking I'm a mutant, thinking that nobody in my family.
Yeah, I'm like, what did I just, like, how did I get poisoned?
How did this hit just me?
And then it was like the clouds parted once my sister was like, oh, no, we come from a long line of maniacs.
So your sister broke it down to you.
Yeah, yeah.
She was aware of all this.
My sister's older?
She's older, yeah.
Okay.
Interesting.
And is she, has she tried to like break that chain a little bit?
Both of us have because that's the reason why it's, it's really, I'm very aware that it's a harsh, harsh move to separate my son from his grandfather and to not speak to him.
But it's a, it's a thing where I cannot allow that active toxicity to come into my family.
I can't, I have to.
Yeah, when you got a kid, it's a whole different thing.
You also got to do stuff yourself, but when your kid is involved, it's like, no, I can't.
I can weather the storm.
I don't want that to now bleed into my kids.
You also don't have to, but then you can't let it happen to your kid.
Right.
Like, I don't have to weather the storm, but I also cannot let that happen.
Because at that young age, man, they're so formative.
Like the things that happen to them as kids, dude, really kind of define their like self-esteem and self-worth.
Oh, like the rest of their lives, dude.
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Dude, my wife's aunt, who will remain nameless, but she has some body image issues, let's just say.
My kid is six months old, and she started being like, he's a little chubby.
And I'm like, I might twist your head off your shoulder.
Like, are you fucking kidding?
You're implanting body image issues in my baby?
You're a parent, so you get this more than most, but skinny babies are ugly also for the business.
Of course.
Yeah, I don't want a hot six-month-old with V abs.
Get the fuck out of here.
But one of the trickiest things about a newborn baby is getting it to eat.
That's the whole point.
Yeah, it's actually difficult.
People don't realize this, but any of my friends who have kids, they're like, your whole day, you're like, please just eat.
Yeah.
And don't throw up.
Because I need to keep you alive.
You don't realize how important it is that you eat.
And I just need you to eat.
So if your baby is a little fat, you're like, thank God.
The thing I was most afraid of is taking care.
We'll work that out when you're fucking eight or something.
And when you're hungry, you want your own skin.
Just get active once you're able to walk.
Yeah.
Like, what the fuck?
He's barely fat.
Yeah, he's fat.
He can't exercise.
Yeah.
And it's like, all he's eating is breast milk and organic vegetables.
How would you change his diet?
Dude, you see these things.
Just give him a spoonful of blow.
Parents will, and they do it kind of unknowingly, man.
It's like, there's a, my girl's, my girl's mom is like really sweet and is great.
But I can see things that my issues my girl kind of has that she's inherited from her mom.
Her mom got me a Christmas present.
It was so sweet.
She got me like some books and some this like this like really great granola from from Santa Barbara.
And there's all these like things she got.
And then she got one other thing.
She got these under eye patches.
She thinks he looks sleepy.
I'm like, oh, thank you for letting you letting me know how you feel about my under eye.
But for Christmas, like, but how she like snuck it in for Christmas?
And I'm like, oh my God, my girl probably had to go through that.
Oh, passive aggressive life, the passive aggressive.
You could make that a little bit better.
You know what's wild about that?
Do they work?
Because I would need some of them.
We both do.
But I have to, off principle, look worse to let her know that you're not going to suggest things to make me better.
And this whole thing with like, by the way, like this whole thing with like how we look.
Like, have you seen Sharon Osborne lately?
No.
No.
She looks unreal, like amazing.
Yeah.
Like we've, there was a time where surgery was bad and made you look stupid.
Right.
And then still there.
There's a tipping point.
There's a tipping point.
The Kardashians, like Bruce, Caitlin Jenner is an attractive woman now.
I stand behind that.
Get a fucking.
I firmly disagree.
Get a picture of her.
Get a picture.
She's 75 years old.
I'll put her up against any other 75-year-old woman.
She's better looking at my mom.
That's how Lithian man body.
No, I'm not talking about body.
I'm just talking about face.
Oh, because look at her knees.
It's like a lopsided grapefruit with like turkey over it.
It's brutal.
Why are you looking at her knees?
Dude, if you get a picture of her now, look at that top left one.
Nah, yo.
First of all, that's Eliza Instagram filter for sure.
Yeah.
I'm saying for 75 years.
Surprised fish.
Listen, there's one right there.
Do you see the one, Katryn Jenner, children athlete?
It's second row, one over.
Oh my God.
This one?
I think that one.
No, that one's not good.
So, bro, come on.
Bishop.
No, that is foolish.
That is Tim Burton presents Caitlin Jenner.
Now, wait for it.
Now, here's what I'm saying.
What we're coming from.
We're coming from a man.
And now we're getting to a woman.
If we saw that as a woman on the street, we wouldn't question if she's a woman.
That's how amazing the surgery is getting, right?
I saw Sharon Osborne at the fucking Grammys or whatever that shit was the other night, and she was hosting something.
And I was like, whoa, they really figured this shit out.
Like, by the time we're old, we will have the choice to not be old.
Right.
And Sharon Osborne is also eating like stem cell cereal.
She's that wealthy.
We will be able to do it too.
It's going to get affordable.
It's going to get accessible.
So all these people now doing all these skincare regimens and fucking under eye and all this shit.
It's a waste.
Just let it all go.
And then when we're at that point, run it back.
It's like tires for cars, dude.
I'm really sincere.
Wear them out and then run it back because the more like shaky, more like a stretchy your skin gets, the more the filler and stuff is going to work.
I'm 100% positive about this.
She's an attractive 75-year-old woman.
Yeah, that's an airbrush pick, but yeah, she looks good in that one.
Al?
Nah.
Nah, yo, come on, man.
Because you know she has a fucking dick.
She doesn't anymore, though.
Do it.
No, she still has a dick.
I don't think so.
She got it chopped?
I think so.
I don't think she.
I don't understand the rules of this shit.
What do you mean?
Is that a woman with a dick?
Bro, there's no rules.
There's no rules to any of this fucking shit, dude.
It's absurd.
You know what I'm saying?
Gay, but she dates women.
And I got to call her.
Don't even get into making sense of these.
These are people who are insane.
This is an insane person.
It's an insane person.
Anybody who wants to cut anything off their body, they're insane.
It's okay.
You can be insane, but you're insane.
Alex's face.
Oh.
Guys, It's insane.
Let me just put in perspective.
You know those people that got those earrings and they made their ear grow, grow, grow?
Yeah.
And you looked at them, you're like, oh, that guy's insane.
He did that with his pussy.
Right?
He gauged his pussy.
Like, he made a pussy.
And we're looking at that and be like, no, that's how you're supposed to be.
Asian gauge to white gauge.
Black gauge.
It's insane.
I'm not saying don't do it.
You can have gauges.
You can do whatever you want.
You want to have full whole face that tattoos.
Do whatever the fuck you want.
But if I go based on my definition of insane, which is like, I throw that word around a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
Insane is anything.
I call myself insane.
Dude, if you eat cilantro to me, I'm like, you are fucking clinically insane.
That's how much I hate cilantro.
So is it the same level of insanity to eat cilantro?
If you hate your dick as much as cilantro, actually, that's quite unreasonable to me.
Like Travez just said to me, listen, we feel about our dicks the way you feel about cilantro.
I'd be like, lop that shit off, bro.
That's baked into my seamless order.
Skin garnish.
Get it the fuck out of here.
Skin garnish.
Skin garnish.
Can we talk about the how do I want to fucking get into this?
Republicans vs Devout Catholics00:04:42
How fucking bought and purchased these like these news networks are?
And this is a great way to get into maybe the conspiracy theory because I want to hear your argument or not yours, but the argument for a lot of these conspiracies that we hear because you're like more nuanced and you like know about it because you do this podcast about it.
But seeing CNN put these hit pieces out on Joe Rogan because he supported Bernie Sanders.
It is so like it is so transparent now that they are just a PR arm for the liberal elites choosing whatever candidates they think will do their bidding.
The Democrat Republicans.
That's a great way of putting it.
It is because we always knew Fox News was that for Republicans and we were okay with it.
But the Democrats masqueraded.
By the way, Democrats, I don't mean like the three of us sitting here, four of us sitting here.
I'm talking about the elites, the people that are billionaires.
The people that are in the party, the Harvey Weinsteins.
No, I'm talking the people that manipulate the party, the people that pay for the party.
Because politicians aren't even the ones who are the power brokers.
They're the pawns.
They do the work.
They're like, hey, they're the slaves of the rich.
So they literally.
They tend to be little boy in reality.
It's like, let's tell the masses we care about them, but let's get them.
Is there a better time than right now to be a rich liberal?
There isn't.
Because you can act as if you're pure of heart morality-wise.
You can be out there.
You could say, fuck Trump because it's very easy and it gives you instant credibility.
But at the same time, you're hoping for his reelection because you get to keep your fucking money.
Son, you're 100% right.
No liberal is upset.
No rich liberal is upset when Trump gets re-elected because you are not affected by any of the things that Trump is against.
They keep their gardeners in cages.
They don't give a fuck.
They call them hedges, but whatever.
You call them what you want, okay?
Making them build the wall for years.
But it's so true.
They act like all these fucking actors.
That's why I really love the Gervaise thing.
It's like, shut the fuck up, all of you.
You don't care.
You're going to save way more money.
Like, you see all these fucking, dude, you see every, for whatever, like, you see the John Olivers and the Trevor Noah's, and these are smart guys.
I'm not saying they're not smart guys, but like, and we spoke about this on this podcast.
It's like you can't criticize how greedy Republicans are and come here to America only because you can make more money than where you're from.
Sure.
It's literally the same thing.
Trevor Noah could probably do some good in South Africa, too.
A lot of foul shit going on.
They could use a voice like that.
Yeah.
And not to mention.
On the meter with your white girl talking about racism and monetizing evil in their own viewpoints.
So this is like a point Michelle Wolf made in the correspondence thing, but she was like, you guys say you hate Trump.
You love him because he raised your bottom line.
He is earning you so much money and attention.
He has a career because of Trump.
Listen, say whatever you want about Trump, right?
He makes everybody money.
The people that hate him makes SNL's ratings through the roof once they brought Alec Baldwin on to make fun of Trump.
Wow, it's high for SNL.
It's a low-ass roof.
Through the roof for them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like way more interest, way more conversation.
So you could say every week you hate it, but you know where your bread is buttered.
You know.
Like, what's his face?
Stephen Colbert.
Bruh.
You are a devout Catholic.
You probably feel the same way about abortion.
A rich, devout Catholic.
If you ask him about abortion, I bet you his real feeling is, nah, fam.
Yeah.
I bet you he probably sides Republican on most things.
Not to mention how shitty of a career move, or, you know, he's making money, who cares?
But how, how bizarre is it to go from satirically talking politics on comedy to seriously talking politics in late night comedy?
That's a brutal existence.
It's so true.
Yeah, he sucks.
He also got a fucking Trump Showtime show that he produces about anti-Trump stuff.
I think he bums me out the most because I used to like him so much because I was such a fan of his work and like not because of the political message, but because he was attacking both sides of the world.
I know what I always used to say at the time, because I, for the record, have caught on to dumb liberals.
As soon as I moved to New York, I was like, I can't wait to meet these, because I grew up with closed-minded people and I was like, I can't wait to meet open-minded people.
And I was like, oh, you're actually more closed-minded than this guy.
Because you judge anything that's not your definition of open-minded as wrong.
And I don't remember where my fucking point was.
No, no, no.
Like a southern racist doesn't hate you based on what you think, just your color of your skin.
Whores Who Are Empowered00:09:55
Right.
Yeah.
Whereas like a northern racist will hate you for both.
Right.
It's double the hate.
We'll treat you a certain way because of your skin and then hate you for your vote.
What I used to get bothered by, like annoyed by, is it was easy to satirize Republicans with Colbert.
And I was like, why is it so hard to do this for Democrats?
And now Democrats have done us the favor of being so ridiculous on the far left that I'm wondering, how is there not a Colbert for the left wing?
Well, Portlandia kind of is.
Like, that's the mocking of the left because they make fun of the Portland scene, which is the ultra-liberal progressive to the point where they're actually hardcore conservative.
Yeah.
It's a weird.
It's a great show.
Yeah.
I haven't seen it.
It's an interesting show.
I'll put it that way.
I'm not sitting there like cackling the whole fucking time, but it's cool that someone's actually satirizing.
My favorite line of it, and I'm sure you've been to Portland, right?
Yes.
This is a perfect description.
They say Portland is where 20-year-olds go to retire.
It's a perfect line.
And it's one of the few places where homeless people will be like, hey, do you have $5?
Even sing.
I come from the pros.
You want to know something interesting about how fucking what piece of shit all these people are.
So that the wokest place in the world, Portland, right?
The most progressive place in the world, the most pro-women and pro-women's rights and pro-equality, has more strip clubs per capita than any other place in the world.
Yeah.
So all that woke, let's not objectify women shit goes right out the window when you're in the privacy of a strip club.
Well, because then it's empowering.
They've chosen to.
Can we stop with this?
You're a whore if you're empowered.
Are there any fucking women out there that don't suck everybody's dick and are empowered?
Like, my mom came here with no education, started a business, okay, became successful and bought property, and she wasn't sucking dick and getting cumbed on her back and fucking talking about it all the time to prove how empowered of a woman she is.
You're just a whore.
Just because you fuck a lot doesn't mean you're empowered.
You're a whore, which is cool.
Nobody's saying you can't be a whore.
Go for it, be a whore.
But that doesn't equate to you being an activist.
You are actively being a whore.
That's totally different.
There are tons of women who have done amazing things in the world, and none of them did it by sucking dick all the time.
Whatever.
What we've made empowered women blows my mind.
Your mom empowered.
My mom empowered, made more money than my dad her entire life.
Cooked for us, cleaned for us, was a fantastic mother, the sweetest person on earth.
And then I have white girls at comedy shows being like, you just don't like strong women.
No, you're a bitch.
I was raised by a strong woman.
You just talk too much.
Yes.
That's all.
Yeah.
I love strong women.
Yeah.
And you know what?
You could be a bitch and a strong woman.
I'm sure there's points in your time where my mom's been a bitch.
Your mom's been a bitch.
I'm sure.
But it's like, I didn't call your mom a bitch.
I'm just saying, I'm good.
My mom's been a bitch.
I've seen it.
I mean, I would never say about my mom, but I'm, you know, whatever.
Teach their own.
I'm not mad at whatever.
I said, Caitlin Jenner looks better than my mom.
I'm not mad at points being made.
But all I'm saying, it's a weird thing where you can encase anything in progressivism or like activism.
Any behavior you do now, any behavior you do that wasn't allowed in the past, all of a sudden is activism.
Sure.
Right?
We found a righteousness for our shittiness.
Yeah.
So it's like for women, they couldn't fuck everybody back in the day because you get pregnant.
We literally just didn't want you to get pregnant.
It's like the nicest thing, right?
It's the fucking kindness advice.
Like, hey, you shouldn't fuck anybody.
Why not?
Well, you get pregnant by everybody.
You know what I mean?
Like, have you ever seen a dog?
They don't like that.
They're fucking a million Dalmatians running around, right?
These girls, they go, they go, okay, we couldn't do that.
So I'm going to do the thing we couldn't do.
And now I am progressive.
Or now I'm an activist.
And I'm going to stop doing the things that we were known doing, known for doing.
And that will also make me progressive or empowered.
I'm going to brag about what a shitty parent I am.
I don't know.
This girl, she was in the front row of the show.
I asked her if she cooked, and I didn't even ask it as an insulting way.
It was just, it was, it wasn't like, oh, you're a woman, you got to cook.
Like, nothing.
It was something about they made dinner at home or something like that.
It was supernatural.
I was like, oh, did you cook?
And she's like, oh, no, I don't cook.
And I've seen girls get empowered by this.
And it's like, imagine we and men identify with, I don't protect women.
Like, imagine we got a lot of people.
Oh, my God, God.
Oh, my God.
No, protect.
I mean, in fairness, that is Brooklyn.
I don't protect women.
I can't build homes.
Are any of these girls happy in their hipster relationships?
We need to do a lot of things.
No, they're getting fucked by men with fiberglass ankles.
There's no way that they're being correctly satiated.
I just, I don't get it.
I don't, I don't get it.
There's no way you're happy.
I can't fathom you're happy.
I can't fathom it.
Are they happy?
See, I personally don't care what empowers you.
Like, I really don't care.
I kind of understand being not allowed to do something, then almost going the exact opposite way and doing it.
It's called being a child.
Yeah, that's me.
I was not allowed.
I was told anybody who held a beer was an alcoholic.
So when I started drinking, I veered completely.
Like I hit the ground running and went crazy.
Right.
And then I kind of scaled that.
You're a fucking adult.
Yeah, of course.
Right now you haven't drinked for 13 months because you're like, oh, I got to get my shit together.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
What I, what I personally don't like, and I've spoken about this before, is the people co-opting activism where it's like the women's march, all well and good.
I don't care.
March completely.
I think it should be their choice.
However, when you see white women like Emily Ratakakaka holding her fist up like this as a white woman and co-opting the black power fist and not even getting a shred of irony or insanity that that represents, that to me is the ultimate white privilege.
If there is a too hot to be self-aware, real talk, if there is any of these Instagram models that are holding a fist by their face and there is not a dick in it pointing at their mouth, I don't want to fucking see it.
I don't want to.
This is the only time you should have a fist by your face if it's going boom, That's the only way.
It is absolutely absurd.
The idea that she can like, she can like, what is it called?
Go off on like the importance of like femmes and like how stupid objectifying women is when literally for a living, she's built a career out of it.
There's a lot of things that we got to call out right now.
This is the whole thing, to be honest with you.
Blurred line.
I got you.
I got you.
This is another thing that we got to stop.
Ready?
Hot, super hot, beautiful women shaving their heads and doing the no makeup thing.
It's arrogant.
You don't need makeup.
You're just, you're going, we have to stop these makeup companies.
No, no, you're going, I'm so hot.
Yeah.
I can make myself ugly and I'm still hot.
Yeah.
Other houses need paint.
Yeah.
Like just because you look great as a wood structure does not mean other places don't need to fucking color some shutters.
What does he say?
Has a joke about Alicia Silverstone.
Alicia Keith.
Alicia Silverstone gets naked in some ad and everybody's like, oh, that's so brave.
He's like, that's not brave.
That's a beautiful woman.
If I got, they were like, oh, that woman is so brave.
Because if I got naked for an ad, then people would be like, oh, my God, she is so brave.
But she is so brave.
But that she is so brave shit they do with Lizzo all the time, too.
They're like, oh, my God, she's so brave.
No, we just let her walk around with no self-awareness.
Dude, I also find her attractive.
Oh, Lizzo?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think she's fun.
I think she's like a lump sack.
I don't know.
I think her face is just a little bit of a distance.
You could just sit on just conform to her.
I think she would be too much for my penis personally, but I'd like to give it a try.
She'd probably tear it out of the ground like a turnip, but still.
It's just a weird thing.
Like, maybe it's up to, maybe it's up to men because we all do what gets rewarded, right?
Like, like, guys, we're going to do what women reward.
And I think women will do what we reward.
And it's like, maybe we got to be better at not fucking rewarding these because that's the thing where we're fucking stupid.
We're a bunch of idiots is that we reward the exact girls that we criticize.
Like we could sit here and go, Emily Radikowski is.
And I follow her.
So do I.
And I'm going to look.
And if she has multiple pictures, I'm going to scroll.
Right.
And it's like.
Never like, just save.
Of course.
Save.
For later.
There you go.
The modern age spank bank.
Is the Instagram saved?
So we're a piece of shit, too.
It's like we're rewarding the thing we're criticizing.
No, maybe there's, maybe we need to go out there and we need to find the girls that are doing it the fucking right way and then reward that.
I mean, we do that in our private lives, right?
Like that's all the people we marry to.
All of our girlfriends are the girls we admire, right?
The girls we've always looked up to that have personality traits that we've seen maybe in our moms or like a family member or other people that we really like thought, well, I need to make a wife and make some kids with this person, right?
Um, but then the people we publicly reward are never those girls.
And the second any one of those girls, like that girl, Jessica Chastain, you know, like the redhead that's like all like political and she's in Hollywood and she's like, she's beautiful, but she's doing like roles where women are smart.
And we're just like, yeah, you can't show your tits in space.
Do you know what I mean?
Maybe we're fucking up.
Yeah.
So then what do we do?
How do we deal with the fucking beast in us that just wants Jessica Chastain?
Saving Money with Earnest00:03:43
I never got, I never at all.
She's beautiful.
She's from Jurassic World.
Is that the chick?
No, no, no, Zero Dark 30, right?
I literally fell asleep at Zero Dark30 because I was like, it's about the bitch who looked at the maps.
Like, what the fuck?
I literally fell asleep in that movie.
I was like, this whole movie about the bitch figuring out where he is?
You keep taking pregnant pauses and be like, the bitch?
Because I'm trying to figure out what she did.
What's the whole movie about?
She knew Arabic.
Did she?
Yeah.
She was speaking in Arabic.
There was a whole bunch of women that speak Arabic and their men don't respect them.
So why the fuck I got to respect this bitch speaking in Arabic?
Yeah, so she found Bin Laden.
Was that the son?
I felt I'm dead ass.
I fell asleep in that movie.
I was like, this, nothing's happening.
I thought we were fucking, I thought the whole movie was getting bin Laden out of there.
That's the last 10 minutes.
I was up for that.
The rest of the movie slept.
Dead ass.
Slept immediately.
20 minutes in.
I was like, this is enough.
We haven't found him yet.
Enough with the preamble.
Get to the mountains.
Right?
Bruh.
All right, let's take a break for a second.
We got to pay a little bills here.
Talking about paying bills.
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I want you to pay less for your bills.
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Why are you giving that money away when you can save it?
Keep your fucking money.
What do we say on this show all the time?
Financial freedom.
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I don't know.
I don't know, guys.
What do we do?
What do you do?
The Power of People Laughing00:06:47
If you're listening, tell us what we fucking do.
Maybe there's somebody else we need to be rewarding.
Or maybe it's just like a natural like tearing off of the scab or tearing off the band-aid.
It just gets a little aggressive at first, and then eventually everybody kind of settles in.
Like maybe you need to be loud when you're fighting against something.
Like maybe in order for girls to own their sexuality, they have to be like really loud whores about it.
You got to overcorrect.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You overcorrect.
Yeah.
That's a good way of looking.
It's like South Park writing 58 fucks in an episode and Comedy Central being like, we can only allow eight.
And they're like, we only wanted five.
Yeah.
You know, like that's.
Now you take them that, okay.
They wanted five dicks.
So they went through all the five dicks and then eventually they realized, oh, God, I can like just get a job and be empowered and I can fuck whoever I want.
It's okay.
So maybe that is good.
You know, it's funny.
You said, in order for women to be empowered, they got to be like really loud whores.
But doesn't it feel that way?
Like, it's just such a funny word, Joyce.
Really loud whores.
They're not quiet about it.
It's a fucking loud.
They're a bunch of chatty clams.
If they're chatting, it'd be okay.
But like the screaming and like the aggressiveness about the dicks and like, it's just peculiar.
I do find it odd.
They're fractal.
Because I am, like, I consider myself a pretty open-minded, you know, traditionally liberal, not the new neo-liberal thing, traditionally liberal type of person.
However, the most progressive podcasts that I do or media or anything that I go in, I find it to be the most judgmental room I step into.
So I have to almost, like, that whole story about my parents and getting hit and stuff like that, I almost have to lead with that just to give my worth as a person, like just to prove I've been traumatized so I can have an opinion.
Yes, there's value in your oppression.
Yeah.
And you're I think Jared Freed has it right where he's like, it's the trauma Olympics where everybody is trying to, you know, put out there what the...
What do we call the oppressional?
Oppressional Olympics.
It may have been you guys then, but yeah, it was like, it's one of those things that's so, that's perfect because everybody is trying to prove their worth through what horrible shit they've been through.
Yeah.
It's an odd way to weigh it.
Yeah, but you know what it is?
That's valuable like being good at like shuffleboard.
You know, like it's in the Olympics, you'll get a medal, but outside of that, you work at Home Depot.
Like your life sucks, right?
So it's like, if you have an actual skill, regardless of how much oppression you've gone through, that will separate you from the pack.
The people that, yeah, the people that ultimately have the skills will win.
It's an arms race, right?
It's not who got destroyed in the war.
It's like, it's who won it.
Well, it's an arms race where a lot of people aren't reporting on the work that's being done by one side.
Like where the loudest PR branch is typically with the people that, you know, are very vocal and very loud and not necessarily building a foundation.
Yeah.
Yeah, and they need to.
Because that's the crazy, you know, you read, especially with comedy, you read the comedy blogs and you see these opinions being represented.
And then you go to a club and you're like, well, this doesn't exist.
Like it must not.
I mean, it kind of exists before.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Last night we're at the Patrice Benefit.
Louis E.K. walked out standing over the past.
Did women duck for cover?
Say what?
Did women cover their eyes and duck for cover?
That'd be funny.
But no, he just came out standing ovation.
I mean, I saw him laughing at a couple of Andrew's jokes backstage, which is dope.
That was cool.
That was nice.
He was super nice, man.
And like him and Burr were just nice, which is just such a fucking cool thing when you look up to somebody and then, you know, they give you even the smallest compliment.
It's really valuable.
But to see him go on stage and people stand up and to see that kind of like redemption story that's happening and him being hilarious about it and other stuff.
And nuanced.
His stuff about it is real nuance from both sides.
I haven't seen that yet.
I think people like people would be interested to see it and hear it because it's he's doing it exactly how he should.
He's slowly building it up with the people that want to see it.
And then when the time is right, he'll give it to the world.
And when he gives it to the world, I think they'll understand the perspective.
And I think that they'll be supportive of it.
But when I saw those people stand up, and granted, it's the Patrice benefits.
So, you know, those are the people that love Louie and that type of comedy.
But when I saw them stand up, I was like, oh, you're not canceled forever.
And I was sitting there next to Shane and I'm like, you're suspended.
You're suspended.
And I'm sitting there next to Shane Gillis.
And I'm like, you're going to be good.
Yeah.
Like, you're going to be good.
It's going to take a little bit of time, but I promise you, you're going to be good.
And this is the power of having to people.
And he fucking killed, like, I was sitting there watching.
I was like, this is why he's great.
Like, Louie does this thing.
He never asks for, he never asks for a bigger laugh than he gets.
You know, like, some guys will deliver hard and they're like, where is it?
He will never deliver a line with more of a request than the audience is willing to give.
So he'll deliver if the line gets an eight, he delivers it at a seven.
He's always underneath what they're going to bounce back with.
And just watching him kind of do it and people be supportive and people fucking laugh at the situation.
Man, it was just, it was really cool to see.
Do you think he'll be on a platform?
Like, do you think he'll be given mainstream access?
I hope he doesn't.
Netflix will.
I hope maybe Netflix will, but I hope he doesn't.
I hope he does it himself.
The $5 on his website or something for free.
Like, the way we make money is on the road.
This idea that where we all want to be like sitcom stars, like, don't, aren't those the comics we hate?
Right.
Don't we hate the comics that aren't in this for the comedy?
Like, the days where we had to use this as leverage to be an actor sucked.
Right.
And comedy sucked because of it.
Why don't the people that just want to do comedy do comedy?
It is scary, but when you think about it from the outside, but once you start doing it, it's like, oh, my career is more in my hands than it's ever been.
Yeah.
It's the player empowerment period.
It's hard to be getting 10 million a pop, whatever you're doing, but you can make a good amount of money and do exactly what you want to do and put it out to people and people will eat it.
It's, it's, I mean, you're a perfect example of it.
You were on every TV show last year, right?
Getting nothing.
Getting nothing.
You're on no TV shows this year, and you're selling out shows in fucking India.
Making more money, doing what I like.
Every show I would do, I would promote, and it'd be cool that I was on TV, but most all of them, I was like, ah, fuck.
Or it's like, this isn't bad.
Saudi Arabia and Castle Doctrine00:14:53
Yeah.
But this very, this podcast is fucking great.
Yeah.
I truly believe this is great.
And I look back on this and I'm proud of it.
And then I look at the clips I put out in life.
I'm like, that's me.
That's what I want to put out.
Yeah.
There's no, oh, do this as a stepping stone to get to this, to get to this.
And then you circle back to a while and out clip and you're like, God damn.
It's just a different fucking day, man.
All right.
Well, before we get out of here, so Mike Cannon is a, I don't know if you're a conspiracy theorist, but you're very knowledgeable of conspiracy theories.
I hosted a podcast for a long time and I was for sale.
It's, it's my, I told my conspiracy theory co-host because he's a 53-year-old truther.
The show ended because he was so into flat earth, every conversation circled back to it and became impossible to discuss anything.
But I told him it's his major life failure that he didn't make me a full-fledged conspiracy theory.
He had a week.
Every week he was open.
I was totally open, man.
I really was.
And he failed.
So your role on the show was like, you're the guy who wants to believe, but you don't fully believe.
I don't believe.
I want to believe.
I'm open to believing.
I'm asking questions that I feel like that I want to know the answer to, that I think everybody else that is listening wants to know the answer to.
And it just so happened that like a lot of it poked holes, but that's that's kind of what I was trying to do.
I was like, okay, defend your argument if I can question this.
And then it all comes back to like, well, you didn't do your research.
And it's like, yeah, I know.
And I'm not going to.
You're the research.
Yeah, you're the researcher.
Yeah.
You have to prove this is true.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not on me to prove the earth is round.
Right, right.
It's on you to say otherwise.
Listen until proven guilty.
Of course.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I just want to go over some quick ones and then just hear his take because I don't even, I've never even spoken to a flat earth guy.
Sure.
These people.
Okay.
Flat Earth.
Why is it flat?
So the Earth being flat, they say, which is, this is ass backwards in and of itself.
The whole, the hole is in the theory.
So the theory is that right now we're being tricked and taught that we're insignificant specs on a rock hurtling through an infinite abyss.
So we mean nothing.
The universe is ever expanding.
It's not about us, whatever.
The fact that they say the earth is flat, we're actually the center of the universe and we are a deity of sorts.
So it's a full religion because...
Ah, so it's arrogance.
Yeah.
We're important.
This is why.
And honestly, this is my theory.
All the conspiracy theorists that I ever interviewed, that I ever spoke to, had a major life trauma that they went through that then put their focus entirely onto the outside world and how the world was set up to fuck them over.
So they were no longer looking internally because that's too painful.
So they were paying attention then to the outside world and just being like, so what, what is going on here?
Because not everything is going right for me.
That's what I came away with.
So obviously the question that you asked the flat earthers was, has anybody been to the end?
Right.
And, well, and this is easily debunkable shit.
They're like, nobody has ever made a pole-to-pole journey.
Of course they have.
Like they have.
They say it's a lie.
They say several countries, nations are guarding this one area that's near the two mile high ice wall at each pole.
It's literally a Game of Thrones world that they're painting.
And like, you know, the other side of the ice wall is like, you know, that's where they keep the old rockets and dinosaurs and shit like that.
And I've heard this theory.
I don't know if this is the centralized theory, but the theory is that it's like an ice tray, right?
And we happen to be a thawed out ice cube that sprouted life.
So what's beyond those ridges, those walls, could be other thawed out ice cubes.
And they believe that life could exist on other flat terrain as well.
So then all these space explorations.
Space doesn't exist.
Space is not a thing.
Other planets, although they're round, which doesn't add up, although they're round, they may in fact be sentient beings.
We're not sure.
Okay, so debunked flat earth.
Can I just say cut to what's the craziest conspiracy theory that you do believe?
That I do?
Well, 9-11.
So here's the thing is 9-11, do I think our government was behind it?
No.
What I believe about conspiracy is that our country is really great at optimizing catastrophe.
So when we hear something, like I think it might have been a Pearl Harbor situation where we may have...
They might have known and they might have known we didn't know the gravity of it.
You know, it happened, whatever.
Do I think certain evidence was planted, like a fully preserved passport of one of the pilots on the other side of the wreckage?
Yeah, I think that...
Yeah, dude.
They found like a passport of one of the pilots like, you know, strewn on the floor of the fucking World Trade Center.
And it's like, oh, and unburned.
Perfect.
So, you know, that stuff, but it's like the proof is in the pudding.
It got us into two wars that we had no business being in under the guise of an attack coming from these countries.
Right.
And obviously, look at all the shit with Saudi Arabia now.
It's still coming out how much they kind of manipulate our government.
And didn't they get sued in a civil suit and lost?
And lost, yeah.
So what does that mean?
That means that they were.
Well, the 28 pages redacted from the official 9-11.
That Kobe girl couldn't sue Kobe.
Yeah.
But some people could sue the Saudi Arabian government and win.
And win.
And not receive a cent.
I'm assuming.
Oh, they didn't get paid?
I'm assuming.
I mean, have you ever heard of a payout?
I mean, how would you get it?
Exactly.
Yeah.
What jurisdiction?
Who's making anybody pay?
That's almost like the FBI admitting that they assassinated MLK and then putting out some sort of social media.
I guess people sued, you know about the lawsuit.
What was the lawsuit?
The lawsuit was responsibility for death, was wrongful death.
And they sued Saudi Arabia.
Yeah, and they won.
And they, I guess, proved in a court of law that Saudi Arabia had known about the attack.
Well, the 28 pages that were redacted initially from the official report were since declassified and all of it pointed to Saudi Arabia.
It's crazy.
Is that bin Laden from a Saudi family?
The prince, yeah.
So could it be, could that be how it's Saudi Arabia?
But he was detached from the Saudi family, right?
But you think it was the Saudi family that they showed, pointed to?
So I think I'm L and Sorry.
It's a, what is it called?
A royalty, what is that called?
But they sued the government.
So it had to be like a widespread politically known thing.
It wasn't necessarily tracked to just a Saudi person.
What's building seven?
Why do people always talk about it?
That is a thing that I'm creeped out by because you hear, you know, there's video of the guy that owned the building saying, pull it.
And then like a controlled demolition, the building came down.
And the official report is that it was burning and collapsed and the building wasn't burning.
What was in the building?
I heard Popular Mechanics put out a thing with two engineers being like, no, this is how it could happen.
I mean, they did that for the towers, I think, with the whole jet fuel.
Building seven, which is a third building that collapsed.
And then what was in there that they would want to collapse?
I have no idea.
I don't know.
So that's the thing.
It's like all of it.
They're planning on doing it in a couple months.
And it was like, well, it's here.
You know what I mean?
Insurance.
That could be motivation enough.
Billions and insurance.
That's the thing.
If you know something's going to happen and people are looking the other way because it's advantageous for the company, the company, the country, and then all of a sudden, some guy who has, you know, friends that are the powers that be finds out that it's going to happen.
And he goes, hey, I got a building I'd like to collect on.
Son, New York, though?
Like, look, whatever.
My issue with these things is always it's hard to keep a secret.
It's hard to keep a secret amongst two people.
Hard to keep a secret.
I mean, look at comics.
Now, you tell one comic one thing, 14 comics here.
And a podcast audience.
Like, it's going to happen.
Okay.
Other crazy conspiracy.
The school they say wasn't shot up.
Yeah, that's the worst one that we went through.
And we poured over it because a lot of conspiracy theorists, first of all, don't even believe that Sandy Hook Elementary was an active school.
It was.
My wife's cousin went there.
She was friends with one of the little girls that got shot.
Like, it was an active second.
So end of story right here.
End of story.
They also believe that none of the kids have died.
They've since gone after parents, like showed up to their house, harassing them, saying, prove your kid was ever alive.
And it's like, and they're like, you can't do it.
Can you?
You can't do it.
And it's like, get the fuck off my lawn.
Like, what are you doing?
You know, there was a.
Looks like they should be shot.
They really should because there was this guy, Wolfgang Halbig, who was actually friends with my co-host, who like would basically, he was the head of the Sandy Hook truther movement.
And he unleashed all of these people.
He dox the parents.
He let them know where they lived, and people were starting to show up or send things to their houses.
Now, you invite them into your house if you live in Texas and then you shoot them in the fucking face.
It's Castle Doctrine.
I don't know if they have any laws like that outside of Texas, but I know Texas gun laws.
I can shoot this motherfucker.
Hey, come in.
Let's talk about this.
Bang.
Wait, you can shoot anybody in your house for whatever reason?
There's something called Castle Doctrine that I'm pretty sure is if you can just say the person was breaking it on.
It's your story against the dead.
You're on my property.
I can hugely unwelcome on my property.
So if a guy's on my lawn, you just come on in, man.
Let's talk about this.
Here's the frustration.
Let's take this inside.
It's like, I'm not a vampire.
But the frustrating thing.
She will be dead forever.
And there won't be any proof that you ever existed because he got no friends.
You fucking losers.
That is something that is often the case with these guys, right?
Is there's an isolation to that.
Loners, yeah.
Loners.
Okay.
Okay, so obviously Romania.
Well, the frustrating thing about that is the official report of basically every incident is problematic.
Like there are pro there are there are inconsistencies.
It's similar to the news where the news is now on the scene at first.
They're reporting things before they're even verified.
So all this information goes out and then conspiracy theorists use those reports against other people to prove that it's untrue.
You know, then the news is such a fucking idiot with Sandy Hook.
They filmed another school and a drill of kids leaving that school.
And then they put it up on CNN and people are like, that's not even Sandy Hook.
See?
It's not even the real school.
And it's like.
We see this all the time.
Yeah.
You know, they're doing like, they're trying to show images of like the war in Baghdad or something like that.
And they actually take it from Sandy Hook.
They show Detroit.
Yeah.
Okay.
Now I understand.
So you just need, you just need one falsehood to open up the door folks.
Okay.
People believe what they want to believe.
Yep.
Yes.
And now, especially with YouTube, YouTube is some people's accredited education.
Like people will go to YouTube and pour over hours and hours of conspiracy footage.
And then once they come out the other side and they've memorized their talking points, like a lot of people who watch CNN or Fox News, it's the same as being a pundit.
They all have their thing.
And if you aren't as well versed in their insanity as they are, you're now incorrect.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
And maybe I just don't want to believe in conspiracies because it's just messy.
And I just like to keep that in a little box over there and let's not deal with that.
Who gives a fuck?
They exist.
So maybe that's sure.
I mean, look, the simple fact that the FBI was found guilty for assassinating Martin Luther King Jr. Because it was in a trial in the 90s.
I'm looking too much.
I'm looking at Alex.
I said, please.
You know the history.
But it's like they were.
And then that's why they were posted.
All their social media posts on fucking MLK Day were getting blown up by people like, you're found guilty of killing the motherfucker.
Did you think I killed Martin Luther King?
That's the official, it's the official story now at this point.
Can you look that up, Alex?
Do you care?
I know you're black.
Do you care?
The closest Alex came to MLK was when he hears that part in the speech about little black boys and little white girls.
He's like, yeah, that's what's up.
Do you want to know what's ridiculous?
I thought it was when there was a junior that's dead.
Ain't no Alex Jr., bro.
He didn't have a baby.
He kills them before then.
Oh, yeah.
This is an abortion.
Oh, yeah, It's a running abortion bit.
Running.
I'm also never doing.
I told my mom when I was 10 years old and learned about the civil rights movement in school.
I like had such an emotional reaction to it that I came home and told her I was Martin Luther King Jr. reincarnated.
So you believed in reincarnation?
Yeah, I still believe I'm kind of him.
Really?
Well, if you believe in reincarnation, then you believe in karma.
So he kind of earned it.
And the first life was pretty difficult.
And he came back as a white kid.
Here's your straight white male life.
Right.
Yeah.
Still had no father in his life.
That's because he cheated on Goretta so much.
God was like, otherwise, he would have been a Kardashian.
Yeah.
That's Derek.
That's why, Chris DeSteffino, not Martin Luther King.
You are.
Because he's like, yeah, well, you cheated a little bit.
So we'll just take it down a notch.
Bro, that's fucked up.
Do black people come back as white people in the reincarnation matrix?
If they live right, they do.
Yeah.
I'm saying.
That's the reward.
So what would Malcolm X think when he's back and he's just some blonde, blue-eyed Swedish kid?
Would that break his heart if reincarnation exists?
And I guess the point we're making is that you're making a privilege argument, right?
You're like, well, it's easier for white people, so you're going to come back with this easier life.
Right.
Whoa.
I mean, what say you?
You're the reincarnation expert here, Mr. I know.
I'm trying to figure out.
I'm trying to figure out what Malcolm X would come back as.
Because Malcolm X did some foul shit when he was younger.
Before Matt Counts still?
When he was, yeah, before he was El Haj, Malik Shabazz or whatever, and he was just, what was his original name?
I forget.
But before that, before that, he was a wild boy, breaking into houses and shit like that.
Really?
He's a criminal.
He was a criminal.
He performed in jail.
So, karma speaking, karmatically speaking, you would have to pay that karmic debt off.
So even if you fix your life, you still got to come back because you did the fuck shit.
I mean, that karma, there's like a karmic debt, from what I understand.
Maybe he came back as my wife.
It's not high-level enough, but almost there, married to another civil rights leader.
You guys are kind of spirits.
You and your wife are kindred spirits just like Malcolm and Martin.
God damn right.
That's why she's violent and I'm not.
And maybe your kid is Ali.
Wow.
Al, thoughts?
You're looking at this FBI shit?
Al, into it.
He's finding something.
Karma for a Comedy Seller00:04:42
It's true, though, right?
They were found guilty.
It's like, yeah.
That's the thing.
It's one of those they're found guilty of, and then they're not going to be found guilty of actually pulling the trigger and killing him.
Are they found guilty of conspiracy?
Or negligence.
It's one of those types of things that gets spun.
I'm sure.
Well, similar to like the Sarnov brothers in Boston, where very little gets talked about how the FBI was in contact with the older brother because they knew he was on the verge of being radicalized, but they wanted to turn him into an informant.
Then he flew over to Syria, joined like some sort of summer camp over there, and then came back, told his brother what he learned, and they became what they became.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yo.
But the FBI and all these alphabet agents.
These are the guys that did the Boston bonding, by the way.
Anybody who's listening.
They discovered my last name.
Or the kid that looked like he was a folk band singer on the cover of Rolling Stone.
What a truly insane cover that was.
Fucked up, man.
Just fucked up.
Before we get out of here, Akash, anything else that you really want to touch on this week?
Nah, sports-wise, I think we should just leave it at Kobe.
I think we just give it to Cobe, man.
Yeah.
Guys, make sure you check out Mike Cannon's special Life Begins.
It's on YouTube.
You just type in Mike Cannon.
Might be the easiest name to just spell.
It's a great family.
Great, famous name.
Check it out.
Leave some comments below.
Share with your friends if you really love it.
Trash Sagalow's arms.
Do that, but give a thumbs up.
You got to bare minimum.
Just go see the arms we're talking about.
I mean, they look like, have you ever been to one of the, like, a Spanish restaurant where that ham is hanging from the ceiling?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, you could easily cut Sagalau's arms off and hang it in a second.
You ever seen the pig laying out with the apple in his mouth?
Is that Sagalow?
That's Sagalow.
He's holding an apple.
If he had a thin abdomen, he could be a human flying squirrel.
For sure.
They could catch wind.
Oh, God.
Love you, Brandon.
Go check out Sagalau, too.
Yeah.
Some amount of money.
I made some challenge to him.
Like, look, if you lose, he was losing weight.
I was like, if you lose X amount of weight, I'll give you X amount of money.
But if you don't, you got to pay me because there needs to be some incentive for you to not.
And then I forgot what the fucking amount of money and weight was.
And now he just, I know he's still fat.
And motherfucker owes me some kind of money, and I don't know what it is.
Well, anyway, go check out Brendan, man.
What's Sagalow's Instagram?
Just his name?
Yeah, Brendan Sagalow.
How do you spell Sagalow?
S-A-L-S-A-G-A-L-O-W.
Okay, go check him out as well.
Yo, Canon, thank you so much for having me.
I appreciate you guys having me.
Thank you for that.
Of course, best of luck with everything.
Thanks for the inspiration, man.
I'm telling you, I couldn't have done this without you.
And I'm proud of what you've done because I've known you for such a long time.
I've known both of you guys.
We used to hang out at a comedy seller, a JV comedy seller.
The Village Lantern.
The Village Lantern.
And, you know, that's the spot.
Oh, we got a picture of it.
Now, we can't play it because you'll flag our fucking video.
But look at those fucking arms, dude.
Is that a tan line?
It probably.
I mean, he showed up.
This is his outfit.
And he's like, what?
This is what people wear.
I'm like, no, nobody wears jeans and a cutoff.
This is a full-blown Long Island decision that you should own.
Man, there's some redneck shit, to be honest.
He doesn't even look Long Island.
He looks country.
And I'm the thinnest I've ever been next to him.
You look incredible.
I think this was by design.
Like, you know, when wives dress their bridesmaids up in these like horrible purple outfits, like, this is the equivalent of that for your special because you're wearing almost the same thing, but you look sensational, right?
You look like Tom Cruise fucking Sagalau, dude.
Whoa.
Do you remember that scene in Bad Boys at the end where they're like panning around the camera and it's Will Smith and Martin like looking up and they look cool as fuck?
This is the polar opposite of Dash and Connect.
This is the actual polar opposite.
Love you, Sagalow.
Love you, buddy.
Anyway, man.
Listen, thank y'all so much for listening.
Flagrant 2.
We will see you next week, Friday, on the Patreon episode.
If you guys aren't on a Patreon, man, you already know what it is.
I don't got to tell you.
You already know.
And ask one of your boys about it if you don't believe me.
It gets quite fun over there.
So come on over, join us, patreon.com slash flagrant2.