Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh unveil Schulz Studios, a high-tech production hub built by Ben Uyeda and Mike Montgomery, before recounting a chaotic Cartier shopping trip where psychological manipulation led to a $25,000 watch purchase. The duo debates leaked celebrity nudes, analyzes Kawhi Leonard's Clippers trade involving Dennis Robertson's alleged demands, and critiques Skip Bayless's staged controversies while discussing Floyd Mayweather's financial independence. They conclude by mocking Eddie Murphy's atrophied stand-up skills, promoting upcoming comedy tours across the US, and wishing listeners a Merry Christmas. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Drunk Driving Risks Explained00:04:10
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant 2 No Easy Buckets and this episode is brought to you by the NHTSA.
Guys, you know the risks of driving drunk.
There could be a crash.
People could get hurt or killed.
You could get arrested, incur huge legal expenses, and even possibly lose your job.
You know the consequences of driving drunk and you're wrong if you think it's no big deal.
Drive sober or get pulled over.
Now let's start the show.
Yo, you know what I've done?
This is for real.
This is important.
I don't think it should be wrong to mimic Asian people's voices because Asian people's favorite activity is mimicking our voices.
How do you mimic our voice?
Karaoke.
Right?
I mean, they found a like politically correct way to make fun of the way we talk.
They fucking love karaoke, bro.
Say again?
They fucking love karaoke.
We are re-recording.
We're recording, right?
Yeah.
I'm recording.
Got you, baby.
Don't worry.
I got you.
I was just running with the theme.
I thought it was going.
I think it's actually called Kalioke.
What is that?
It's actually called Kalioke?
Yeah, that's what they call it.
Karaoke.
Kaliokee.
Okay, guys, what's up, everybody?
Welcome to Flagrant 2, No Easy Buckets.
We are, the episode's out a little bit late today.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's Kaz's fault.
Yeah, that's my bad, guys.
But here's the thing.
We wanted to start the new year, the new studio.
Well, it's not the new year yet, but the new studio with the whole squad.
Okay.
We got a brilliant Flagrant 2 sign.
Yes.
Those of you watching on YouTube right now, you notice that we're in a way different setting.
Okay.
Those of you listening online might notice some differences, but if you watch, you really see some differences, maybe some game-changing differences.
I don't want to say it exactly just yet, but if you're watching with the video.
It's pretty clear.
It's very clear.
Very, very clear.
Not just the studio.
There's something else that's been podcast anymore.
What is it?
A TV show.
It definitely feels like a TV show.
No, it's a TV show, but we got to stop using the word TV to qualify content.
Ah, okay.
Because you know what I mean?
Like, you might watch an HBO show on your phone.
Yeah.
You might watch an HBO show on your laptop, but this is a show.
This is a series.
This is a series.
It's got a new studio smelling here.
Anyway, I think it's important that we start out the episode by thanking some of the people that made this new studio possible.
Okay, so right now, we are in the first, we're in the first location of Schultz Studios.
We refer to this place as the embassy.
Okay.
We're going to release some pictures.
Probably maybe by the time this is up, you know, Ed and shot some pictures for us.
It's the house that Flagrancy built.
That's right.
Thank you guys so much.
There's so basically this studio right here, we have it's pretty cool.
So we have one studio right here that we're shooting Flagrant 2 right now.
We have a set for another special, for another project that I'm going to have coming out in the new year.
I'll tell you guys more about that in the future.
We got another generic podcast studio in the back.
That's so we can help develop new podcasts.
There's friends of ours that want to step up their podcast game.
We can help them with that.
We also got a green screen back there.
So we'll be able to cook up some cool green screen content.
The live space has a showroom where we can do live shows, live podcasts.
We can have musicians come in here, DJs, the whole thing.
Maybe we throw some flagrant parties, something like that.
Watch parties could be kind of lit.
Got a dope TV screen, good projector.
We got the TV screen and a projector.
So I'm talking about like we do fight nights.
It's like a fucking compound.
Izzy Fight.
Absolutely.
Oh, Dizzy Fight.
The McGregor fight next time.
The McGregor fight would be hot if I'm in town.
Super Bowl if I'm in town.
I think there's just So many things that we can literally too titty in here, man.
Yeah, bro.
Literally too fucking titty.
So you're going to see a lot of content coming out in the new year.
Literally today, well, we'll get that in a second.
This could not happen without a few people.
Immune Systems and History00:04:45
First of all, Ben Uyeda, I got to give a huge shout out to Ben Uyeda.
He's the architect.
He is the designer.
He is the creative that put all these sets together, the ideas for these sets.
He built a lot of these furniture along with his business partner, another brilliant architect, creator, do-it-yourself guy, Mike Montgomery.
You can find Mike at Modern Bills on Instagram.
And Ben is Ben Uyeda.
And these guys are fucking geniuses.
I mean, everything down to this table, they constructed with their bare hands.
Literally went to Home Depot, got all this wood.
Say again?
Man shit.
Real man shit.
Yeah.
Like, you realize how.
I'm not going to hold you.
I feel kind of like a bitch walking around those guys.
I feel so fucking useless.
These motherfuckers just took blocks of wood and just turned it into this massive, incredible space.
It was unreal.
The tables, like, I remember watching him craft the fucking table, and now it's all smooth and just fucking constructed.
I'm just like, I would never survive in the 1800s.
I mean, for more than one reason.
Yeah, but there were people who were.
Nah, Kaz, they'd have kept you.
I mean, I'd be outside.
They'd have kept you there.
You're making babies.
I got good genes.
Yeah.
I'd be a milk producer, but I don't think I'd, you know, when it comes to actual candy work and chopping wood shit.
We don't know if you'd be here.
Yeah, well, that is.
You could be one.
You could have been one of the.
That is true.
I feel like I wouldn't have made it.
You could have been a slave seller.
I don't know.
That would be some Nigerian shit to do, wouldn't it?
I mean, I don't think someone had to sell them.
The idea that, like, real quick, the idea that white people just like showed up on the shore with like 10 white people and they're like, round them up.
And then they're like, okay.
I mean, that's absurd.
Someone had to sell.
I mean, they came in there with guns.
What, two guns?
Nice for taking out lions.
You know, the guns they came there with?
They came there with the fucking loaded in at the top.
The wide iotas.
Three shots.
Super long.
That's mine.
Fucking.
You have three shots.
It's just impossible that there wasn't some sort of business agreement originally.
We like to take that out of history, but it's impossible.
Motherfuckers in Africa knew what guns.
Africans sold slaves.
Here's what I'm wondering.
Do you think white people were like, don't trust the Nigerian slave sellers?
They'd be selling you bootleg ass, fake ass.
And they were selling all the East Africans.
Like, these guys can run a long way, but they can't pick shit.
Yo, maybe that's how they got so good at running.
They were running away from the West Coast.
All the Africans that made it over to Somalia and Ethiopia were like, fuck that shit, bro.
I ain't getting on no boats.
I mean, they ran so hard that their hairlines just moved back.
That's how fast that they were running.
That's where they got the foreheads.
White guys didn't even need guns.
All they do was come there and just fucking sneeze.
Worked on the natives.
That worked on the natives.
The Northern Africans?
I don't know.
I thought they brought some sort of.
I don't think your immune systems were as weak as they just had that weak ass immune system.
Probably.
You can see that.
Yeah, they probably brought like smallpox and like the herp over there.
But everybody's got that.
That is an interesting thing.
I got a little bit of the herp.
Why didn't when Africans come, why didn't when they came over, did they not have the same situation as Native Americans?
Native Americans have like historically bad immune systems.
I don't know if this is true.
I heard this from the white dude, so maybe he just hates my nurse.
But recreate history, bro.
Yeah, he said it was a lot of like inbreeding and shit, so their immune systems were weak, and that's why it's very easy to take them over.
Well, if you inbreed, yeah, we're like super niggas.
Hold on, if you inbreed with good immune systems, that should just keep on going with that.
I think it gets worse somehow.
Ah, yes.
It's like any mixing strengthens genes.
It takes care of weaknesses along the whatever.
Yes.
Okay, no, that's right.
That's right.
That's with dogs, too.
Yeah.
Okay.
So that's something that's very impressive.
We breed like dogs.
No.
You guys have good immune systems.
No, I know that.
Absolutely.
That's why they made a lot of us birds.
Listen, you guys weren't the only ones that they tried to do slavery with.
I mean, they tried it with the Irish.
I mean, you probably came by and saw like...
You guys can't pick shit.
If you put Connor McGregor in South Carolina in August, how much cotton are you really getting?
You think you're really getting bushels of cotton?
That guy's melted.
He's turning into that cotton.
I don't know what it's quite hot out here.
Maybe that's how they made the Native Americans red.
It was just the Irish that got burned in lamb.
They're like, fuck this.
Non-Stop Grinding Season00:08:22
We're out of here.
Don't put this feather around.
No, it's not true because Native Americans can't hold their liquor.
Dude, that's all Irish are.
They're natives that can hold it.
Dude, we are starting out hot.
Yeah, this is the way you want to open up this video.
I'm not done with the shallots.
Very important.
That is facts.
I'm not done with the shallows.
There's another people that I got to make sure I shout out.
The guys that did the audio visual for this place, because that was incredibly difficult to do.
And I'm trying to get them up right now.
Okay.
Visionary Systems AV.
Okay.
Had these three guys come up.
Bobby, big balls, Bobby, Bobby Crush, we call him home as well.
Obviously, Zach, and then Zach's brother Adam.
They came up, they drove some of this stuff, all this new tech equipment, all these, I mean, the cameras, the TVs.
We have a sound system that we'll get into later in the future, but it's not even on the market yet.
This is like brand new technology.
This technology does not exist for consumers.
You have to get approved even to sell it.
So that's why we had to go through one of these like high-tech audio companies.
But in order to change the game, you got to be with game changers.
And I really believe that I believe that they are going to be huge in the podcasting world and also just the AV world in general.
Visionary Systems AV.
I remember when I was working out the deal for this space, I mean, it was a lot of money to put this down.
I mean, it was, we're talking about six figures, not light six figures, and just for the AV stuff.
And I remember going, okay, I got to check to see, you know, with some other companies, see if this is good.
Because when it comes to like tech stuff, you could pay $1,000 for a lens.
And then for what looks like the same lens, you could pay how much, Eden?
$10,000.
$10,000, $20,000, like so much, right?
There's no...
So when they gave me this number, I was like, I don't know if that's what it is.
And he's like, I go, I got to just check around.
I'll come back to you.
And he said this.
He goes, totally, you should absolutely go do that.
But I also just want to let you know, before I did this, I was going to be a pastor.
And so most of the work that I do is with churches and stuff like that.
And I'm like, well, buddy, this is going to be a very different system that you're putting in.
What this is going to be.
There's a lot different churches.
That being said.
It's a type of church.
It's a type of church.
It is a type of church.
But that being said, there is facts.
There is a trust that I had in him, like that he wouldn't fuck us over.
And I was like, I'm going to go vet this out with other people.
I absolutely did not do that.
I'm one of the laziest people in the world.
Akash is super vet.
Like Akash will look at all the different.
Tomorrow you're not going to vet it.
You would have vetted.
You love a vet.
I love to vet.
You love to vet.
Me?
I don't vet.
No, you're not a veteran when I tell you about what I got my girl for Christmas today.
You will see how little I vet.
Oh, damn.
I blacked out right afterwards.
I blacked out in the store.
The guy started selling me.
I didn't know what to do.
I felt really poor, and I was like, I'll show you last money.
All of a sudden, he called the thing I picked out cute.
And I was like, oh, oh, oh, is cute?
Oh, oh, is that what we're doing right now?
Mario?
Is that what we doing?
I already know what it is by the way you were sold it.
I'm getting hot.
I got to sign.
Oh, it's definitely got to be a type of jewelry.
Yeah, that's not thinking about it.
Because all jewelers do, their job is to make you feel inferior.
Mad inferior.
I got my girl a type of jewelry.
Yeah.
And it's fucking gorgeous.
It's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
The lady looks at it and she's like, oh, this is nice.
You don't want to.
You don't want to.
And now I'm starting to second guess myself.
I call up the sister.
I'm like, yo, like, you know, let me know.
Oh, look, it's beautiful.
The fucking jeweler's trying to make me feel like I'm a fucking bum off the fucking street.
Like, oh, well, you don't go with nobody when you make these decisions.
I had literally.
Okay.
You know, real quick, did you finish shout-outs?
Let me make sure I did.
Because we got to, I'm going to get into this.
This is very important.
This is very important.
We give this shout-out.
I got to shout out Alex Media, Mark Gagnon, Edin Martinez, Toby.
Oh, Toby.
Irish last name.
I forget what it is.
We're just going to call him McGregor.
Toby McGregor.
Toby McGregor works.
Good slave name.
Toby McGregor.
Yo, we got to start with Irish people.
Toby Murphy.
Great slash.
That's what you want to buy.
You don't like good fighting old liquor.
Toby McGregor.
Yo, even their accent sounds like they're out of breath from work, right?
Oh, there was a time to take a few shoes.
Barking in those fields got so hot over there, didn't it?
I was picking a cotton.
I did myself a drink.
How much cotton do you think?
I was there for 15 minutes and nearly burned to death.
I looked like Kansas's shoes.
We'll talk.
Okay.
So, honestly, the last few weeks have been non-stop grinding.
We were here until five in the morning, back here in the nine in the morning, multiple days, like non-stop.
We've been on the road.
I haven't slept more than two hours in a single night in the last two weeks, I would say.
Jesus Christ.
Now, maybe one time.
Yeah.
We did one time in the last two weeks.
It has been insane.
All I'm going to do on my vacation is in Africa to sleep.
I'm not going to do anything else.
I'm going to go all the way to Africa to sleep.
Yeah.
Say again?
You earned that.
I did earn it.
But what a waste of money.
Don't wait till I tell you about waste of money.
Yo, I want to hear about this.
I'm getting sweaty again.
I'm literally sweating.
So how did they balk you?
How did they?
Tell a story.
Because I knew what you intended to buy.
Okay.
So, okay, I guess I just want to say thank you guys so much for the work real quick.
Thank you guys so much.
And everybody at home watching, thank you guys so much for allowing us to make this happen.
The Patreon asshole army.
Thank you guys for supporting us to do this.
And thank you guys for putting in the extra hours and believing in me and trusting me with this vision.
And I'm very grateful for that.
And I can't wait to the new shit that we cook up in the new year.
We're taking this podcast and game to another level.
Again, you said it's a show.
It's a show.
It's a show.
We've created a show.
God damn it.
And guys, we just moved in.
Okay.
So yes, we're going to fill in all this stuff with some more things on the set.
But we're getting this little bar going.
We're going to have some fun out there.
It's going to be saucy in this bitch.
But yeah, thank you guys so much for your extra hours, your dedication.
As always, it will be rewarded.
You know, I mean, the first thing that we should talk about is Alex out here glowing.
Bro.
Alex out here.
We might have to bring Alex on.
We have to bring Alex into the set.
Yo, motherfuckers have been saying you need to get a chair up here, bro.
But Al got something to show off.
Oh, I saw that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got something to show off.
I didn't see it.
What happens?
He's in.
Is that the watch?
Alcalde.
Come get over here.
Come on.
I don't know if I'm going to audio.
That's okay.
We'll figure it out.
You don't got to talk.
You just got to show up.
Watch your head, bro.
Watch your head.
Right now, you don't got to talk you show.
I can tell by the hoodie, you're looking real wealthy today.
Motherfuckers don't know about that.
How do you pronounce it?
Aim Leon Dork.
So, right now, Al's audio might be a little bit off, but this is what we're.
Oh, I see you.
Hold on.
My bad.
You glistening?
Come over here.
Come over here.
Come on this side of me out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, so, Al, Al has worked.
Uh, I'll do the talking for us, Al, but maybe you'll be in my note as well.
But, uh, Al has worked tirelessly for how long now?
A couple years, yeah, maybe a couple years and um, two and a half years.
And I always told him, if I get something, you get something.
You never have to worry about that.
And obviously, with the special and the special allowing us to you know build this place, um, I didn't want Al to feel like he was forgotten and his dedication was forgotten because without the work that he does for me, all this stuff couldn't be possible.
So, we had to bless Al with his first role lead.
Expensive Watch Investment00:15:43
That really had to happen.
Let's get on that.
Yo, and that's the new shit, too.
That's not no, that's not that.
Oh, no, you can't get that.
Oh, you can't get that.
No, I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you, the only other person who has that, because I literally just saw it before we got here, Lamar Jackson got those exact Rolexes.
Those exact Rolexes for his entire offensive line.
I literally just saw that.
Hold on, this motherfucker wave made way more than me.
Give this people the same present that I'm a great boss on everything.
Go look that shit up, bro.
Go look that shit up.
Right now, that shit is hard.
That shit is hard.
Merry Christmas, man.
And then I got to a seat next to Al.
But for real, it is one of those things that it's like everybody who puts in the work and dedication, I promise you, there are rewards.
And I just wanted you to know that.
And very appreciated.
Yeah, man.
So now.
Hardest working man in the biz, Alex Media.
And sometimes that in.
So now to the horrible decision that I made today.
That could have gone so many places.
I was like, wait.
I was like, wait, wait, wait.
I haven't slept for two weeks.
Okay.
I go.
I realize I have one hour where I can get a gift for my girl.
Right.
The longer you wait, the more expensive it gets.
Let's be honest.
Yeah, 100%.
The less coup you have and discretion when it comes to actually buying something.
I don't even know what the word coup means, but I know it's that shit sounds like a racial slur.
It's just coup.
Get out of here, you dirty coup.
They looked at me like that when I was in the store.
I wanted to go to the movies, but it was full of coups in there.
So I go into this store.
Okay.
It's cardiac.
I go into cardiac.
I'm already fucked.
I'm already fucked.
I go into Cartier.
I got the budget.
I go, we're keeping it under two grand.
Keep it under two grand.
Cute.
This motherfucker, I get Mario.
I don't need Mario.
I want a woman.
I want a woman because I can ask a woman what women like, but I also don't have that ego thing with a woman.
I get to be an adorable boyfriend that just wants us to make his girl happy.
Amanda don't want to hear none of that.
Yeah.
Amanda.
He's fucking cooed.
Yo, he, I was a cool to him.
I was dirty.
Good for nothing coof, bro.
Real talk.
Yeah.
So Mario's walking me around.
First of all, Mario's taller than me.
He's looking down.
His name is Mario.
I can tell you.
Mario Shira.
Italian.
Italian.
I swear to God, when this guy was talking to the co-workers, no accent at all.
Started talking to me.
So can we get you the boobity bobity boobity?
There we go.
Booby Bops.
All boobity bobs.
That was all.
Boobity bobbity.
I asked for a specific thing because I go in there knowing, I want these love earrings.
Okay.
Right?
Already too expensive for earrings.
My girl could be talking about the love, the love line.
It's very expensive.
Very, very expensive.
The whole thing is too expensive.
That's how you know you love them because I paid way too fucking much for these earrings and this bracelet.
Exactly.
What a brilliant marketing plan.
Yes.
If I love you, I waste all my money on these regular ass-looking ass bracelets.
Is that not love?
A waste?
That's what I'm saying.
Of money?
Now here's the kicker.
Do you accidentally leave the sticker on?
Oh, I know Schultz.
He got teller to her face.
Oh my man, let me take the hold on.
I didn't need to see it.
Including tags.
You don't know the price, including tax.
Including tags.
Without a doubt, including tax, you will know exactly how much was spent on you.
And there will be no more presents for the foreseeable future.
So I'm going to let her have her moment and enjoy her moment.
And then I'm going to say, when I go, I'm going to go Merry Christmas, Happy Valentine's Day.
She's not.
She's not going to hear the second part, but I'm going to say it and record it so she knows.
Merry Christmas is happy Valentine's Day.
And when I'm at Christmas's, we're wrapping around.
We're going all the way to next Christmas with this one gift.
See, this idea of a birth in there, too.
Son, happy birthday.
I'm about to say, what's her birthday?
Happy birthday.
Say again?
That's a trick, because what's her birthday?
Not exactly.
Gotta hit him with the Spanish.
Yeah, I know these things.
No, I know her birthday is.
It's one of those days.
You set him up just now.
No, because the point I was trying to make was like, I can't, I always want to be like, oh, you know, I went super hard for Christmas.
So Valentine's Day, I'm like, you know, remember what hard for Christmas?
I am.
My birthday is exactly seven days after Valentine's Day.
Yours is.
Yeah.
Yeah, but Valentine's Day is for them.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So I got to go double hard on Valentine's Day so that you get some shit.
So I get some good shit.
Every one of these days is for them.
What's the day that's for us?
Yo, you right.
The day off.
No, that's the day off, bro.
The day we go, let me hang out, my boy.
Don't play somebody.
Dead ass in India.
My girl was like, I got to get you a Christmas gift.
I was like, yo, what, bitch?
What?
I mean, call it, bitch.
But what?
Theoretically.
She be wild, bro.
Like, we went to the ballet last night.
She thought I was going to show up on time.
Upset that I didn't show up on time.
I literally looked at it.
I was like, y'all thought I was going to be there for the whole day?
Son, the whole day.
I took my ballet.
Which one?
Some Nutcrackers?
I think so, yo.
No, no, no, no.
It was something like Alice and Wonderland.
I don't even fucking.
I fell asleep during that shit.
And to this day, she tries to confront me about it.
Not to be lying.
But every time I'm like, why wouldn't I fall asleep?
You married a straight man at the ballet?
Whose fault is it you fell asleep?
The fucking ballet.
Take that shit up with them.
Make your shit less sleepable.
Son, I walked into the Nutcracker 30 minutes late.
When I went up to World Call to get my ticket, I was like, I'm just here to pick up a ticket.
And the lady looked at me, said, for tonight?
Spiritie was perplexed.
First of all, it's the nicest ballet in the land.
I got vans, checker vans on, right?
I'm going up in checker band.
I go in.
Son, there's a mad dash to get to the seat because you got to go through the seat in like the right moment, right?
I'm going to go.
I'll let you in in between.
I'll let you in in between.
She's sitting alone for 30 minutes.
She's not mad.
Of course she manages it alone.
First of all, she didn't only get, she didn't have to sit alone for 30.
I got there 15 minutes late.
I could have gone in on the first one.
Oh, but they wouldn't let you in.
No.
I took my time.
They hold you back like they hold you back in the horse race.
They're like, they're like, sir, we're about to go in.
I'm like, I got the next one.
Shorty, I'm going to get a trip.
I went up since got coffee.
I don't need to see the nutcracker.
I need to see about your nutcracker.
Listen.
Fucking story they've been telling since the beginning of time.
Pam.
And I still don't know what it's going to be.
Can I tell you?
Can I be honest with you?
I walked into the Nutcracker.
There's little mice running around.
There's a little girl, a little boy, a Nutcracker turner.
I don't know.
Son, I don't know what's going on.
And I shit you not.
I have seen this play in this exact place four times in my life.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
I've been in it once.
I still don't know.
I did it for a school play.
I was one of the characters.
I was one of the.
I remember.
I literally, I remember going like this.
I remember watching.
I remember watching the play.
I remember watching the play with my girl or the ballet or whatever it was.
I remember going, I got no clue what's going on.
And by the way, oh, I was him.
I was him.
That's who I was.
The only thing I know about the nutcracker is that they have that one song.
I'm in there.
My girl was so upset because I was hitting that shit.
Wait, so is the Nutcracker the one with the bitches that they kick their legs up?
No, that's the Rockets.
That's the only Christmas one I thought.
Bitches that kicked their legs.
That's the one you should have gone to.
You would have stayed away from that action.
You should.
That one, you stayed away because that pussy waft.
You tell them not to clean their pussy.
That's what a coof is.
That pussy is all fire.
That's what I wear in costume.
You go, oh my God.
Jesus.
All right.
So I'm in Cardi.
Mario's putting me through the ringer.
Right.
I asked for these necklaces to come out.
Necklace is already too expensive.
Now he got me up to four grand.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, by the way, the earrings.
We're at two grand.
Right?
You getting a set.
Well, you got the earrings and the necklace?
What do you mean a set?
Set is multiple shits.
Well, you can't buy one, Erin.
No, I'm saying earrings plus a necklace.
Oh, hell no.
I was about to say a little.
Jewelry set.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I was not planning on doing any of that.
But this is before I blacked out.
Okay.
So, so when he said the earrings, this guy hit me with the okie dope, the oldest one in the book.
He pulls open a drawer.
He goes, oops, we have a nomura.
I go, do we not have a nomura?
I go, what about that ring over there?
There's a nail ring.
It's like $1,000, maybe $750.
It's really cool.
It's like a nail.
Like a ring.
He goes, he goes, yes, but no.
I go, what do you mean?
He goes, it is.
You know.
He goes, for your girlfriend, you love her.
Oh, shit.
Now I don't love my girl.
Yeah, I don't love my girl.
Mario, Mario said a situation up where now I don't love my girl unless I come through.
Okay.
So now I'm already, he's cucking me.
He works for me.
He works for me.
He acts like he owns Cardiac.
He doesn't own Cardiac.
He works at Cardiac.
But he works for me.
Okay.
But he's cucking me.
He goes, let me show you something else.
I got like this wedding shop.
Son, four grand, he takes the two necklaces.
He goes, we take these just in case.
But, you know, this is a little thing.
But, you know, we go over to the watches.
We start looking at some watches.
I go, oh my God, these watches are really beautiful.
He goes, yes, these watches are really beautiful, but let me show you a nice watch.
We go over.
He takes out this watch.
It's a beautiful watch.
How much is the watch?
It was a beautiful watch.
It was a beautiful watch.
He takes out the watch.
I go, I mean, I'm holding it.
I'm like, she would be so happy with this watch.
I go, how much is, how much is this watch?
And he goes, he goes, oh, this one is 25 guys.
Oh, my God.
Son, son.
I literally out loud in Cardi I said, fuck you.
You had your fucking money.
This is what they do.
This is what they do.
It's called door-in-the-face technique.
It's a manipulation technique.
They give you something, say it.
You know what it is.
You go crazy high.
You say fuck you.
Then they drop down one level.
But now that seems reasonable.
Whereas that was an original fuck you.
He probably dropped down to 15 and you were like, oh, 15.
That's not bad.
But 15 would have been an original fuck you.
Yes.
Okay.
Smart move.
25 grand.
Now I'm in 25 grand is unreasonable, but anything less is kind of reasonable.
I've blacked out.
The second he said 25 grand, I blacked out.
I don't know where I am.
I'm spinning.
I'm just spinning, right?
The jewelry, in the beginning, the ones that I thought was beautiful, trinkets.
It's like that should be in the machine that you put a quarter in and spin it, and it comes out in a little plastic bag.
That's what that felt like to me after he said the 25 grand.
Takes out this other watch.
Jesus Christ.
Takes out this other watch.
It's a beautiful watch.
And then he says this.
He goes, he goes, I bet he said it's only.
You say it's only?
Oh, he goes, only.
He tells me, he doesn't say price.
I'm not going to say price.
But he goes, he goes, this watch, the woman will love this watch.
I've never had these watches returned that one time.
He goes, these are watch.
But he insists he's wearing these watches.
But he insists.
And I'm blacked out.
I'm like, well, she's my princess.
She's my princess, right?
Like, that's what you have to treat your princess.
Maybe she knows princess is doing.
I take one last look at the necklaces.
Completely blacked out.
There's nothing.
I'm not even thinking at this point.
The numbers don't exist.
And I say yes to that watch, the princess's watch.
It's way down from that.
It's way down from that.
That's a lot of watching.
There's a lot of room.
There's a lot of room way down from there and way up.
From what, 2K?
4K to 25K?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of room.
I'm going to throw up right now.
Throwing up.
I feel like throwing up.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, yeah.
I feel like throwing up.
So I'm going to be, I'm going to, but that's why I'm going to Africa because I can afford to eat.
I figure I'd make a little money back by eating out there for the next week and a half.
He looked out, though.
I ain't going to lie.
Because we would have got like the nail ring or whatever.
She would have been pissed off.
She'd have been pissed.
Yeah, she was absolutely pissed.
Like, you don't want to get, you know what I'm saying?
I don't think anybody, any girlfriend wants a ring that's not the ring on Christmas.
That's what I was saying.
I mean, was it Al you said it or Akash you said that?
You're like, you can't get her a ring if it's not the ring.
Yeah.
Yeah.
100%.
Yeah.
Because if she shows that off, like, oh, what's your girl?
What she gets your, you know, what your boyfriend gets you.
If she said my boyfriend got me a ring, they're going to be like, oh, my God.
Yeah, it's like a nail.
I mean, like, see, this is brilliant.
This is good.
No, you're right.
You're right about that.
I'm glad I didn't go directly.
And the other reason why I got her the watch is because I feel like now, I feel like now if she's putting pressure on me to like get married or move in, she's like, how long have we been together?
I can be like, why don't you look at your watch?
Why don't you calculate how much time we've been together with that watch?
Okay?
That's my fucking life savings.
Why don't you do that?
You know how many camera lenses I could have with that fucking watch?
That's what I was gonna say.
I might get her robbed.
That's a what's the education?
That has to move real tough.
That's what rappers do, bro.
Son, is that what they do?
Son, they get the insurance, and I'm like, oh, my house got broken into.
That's what they do.
Imagine the baby.
Oh, my house got broken into whatever shall I do?
I need to lock with some pop in it next time.
You know what you did, though?
You bought yourself time.
If you weren't ready to get married just quite yet, you bought yourself a whole time.
Because she can be so happy with this fucking watch.
She can't put pressure on you.
You're fucking right.
Son, did you just meet women?
Did you just meet women?
What?
Son, you don't think that watch is an investment.
Matter of fact, all she's going to hear, all she's going to hear from that watch is TikTok TikTok.
Now, you know what that means?
Now you got to go like bolt, like when it's time for the ring ring.
Do you want to say the sentence that she's going to be?
Dick out.
Dick's got to be out.
Hold on, listen to this.
This, this is the boldest sentence.
This, I'm impressed, dude.
This sentence that she does.
Roses That Never Die00:10:17
My girl starts it up with this.
She's not like a person that's like this at all.
She has great taste with everything, but she's not like a it matters separately.
Okay.
So she says, she goes, listen, I don't need an engagement ring.
Like, you can get me a diamond band.
I think that that looks just as cool.
For me, it's just a look.
I just think the other thing looks so cool, a diamond band to go along with the obviously the wedding man.
I go, okay, that's what's up.
It's lit.
And then she goes, now, that being said, if you were to get me an engagement ring, four carrots, don't even bother.
Wow.
She's a G. Or don't even bother.
You know what, though?
I believe that she'd be happy with just the band, but I think she also knows that you're the type of dude that's like, she don't think I'll get her four carrots.
I'll get her four fucking carrots.
She's going to see that watch and she's going to know.
She's going to be like, I played that perfect.
Right here.
She's got to be.
She's going to hear the Mario story and be like, man, I'm Mario.
I'm Marlow.
Fuck Mario.
I'm Marlow.
I want my corners.
More carrots or don't even buy.
I would, man.
I want my corners and each one of them is one carrot.
This girl is literally bodying me right now, bro.
You fucking up.
Like, this is Julian.
This is your cat.
This is your first Christmas.
Look at where you just set the bar.
It's your fucking character.
You just set the bar all the way up here.
You can't go down.
Girl, for years.
I got to break up with her.
Yo.
Like, I got to break up with her before next Christmas.
My game plan is like, I start super cheap, but it's the thoughtful one.
So it's like, I didn't have time for it.
One of these, like, I got one of these stupid galaxy roses.
It's 40 bucks.
But it's like, oh, this never dies.
And then you just have a nice message to go along with it.
So now it's all fucking awful.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, $40.
Wait, this is like...
You didn't know all about the galaxy rose.
That's such a fucking along with the fucking trip, though.
The trip should have been to you.
No, no, no, but I thought trip should have been together.
That's what I'm saying.
It should have been between you two.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
No, I know that.
I'm just.
You a nail ring.
You're a nail ring.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just realized this.
A nail ring for you would have been like which has the gift in it is out there and I don't feel comfortable.
It's the trunk of my car, bro.
No, but my thing is like you start low so then you can like progressively go higher.
Yeah, you set the girl definitively did not like my first Christmas gift.
Like she would have made it to this.
Wait, what was it?
What was it?
Son, it was like, it was like headphones to go running.
She loves running.
So the headphones go running and it was winter and I was like, she said, like, I feel great when I'm running.
So I got her like winter running gear.
Sunday.
And I got her pearl earrings.
I got her pearl earrings.
But I could tell until she saw the earrings, she was like, all right, man.
I got to go running.
Off on that shit.
Watch you go running.
Tell me, fuck.
That's not what you was thinking.
Because I'm carrying all that shit.
I'm like, oh, that was a great fucking gift.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got a girl pearl earrings.
Nah, but before that, my girl and me, my first Christmas, our first Christmas, I got her like, she loves running.
So I got her running gear for the winter.
Headphones to go running with.
And then I also picked up some earrings.
My girl's going to be so surprised.
You know what?
Because we're just supposed to do little presents, right?
You know what she suggested as a little present for herself?
She goes, You can get me like some Lululemon running gear or something like that.
And I was like, oh, yeah, all right.
I get you some.
You think you hold some money?
You think you go get some running gear?
You trying to marry me?
Are you trying to marry me, too?
Why everyone checking my pockets?
You, wow.
Son.
This girl.
Paul, you're blaming this awfully.
I'll never play poker with you ever.
I'm the worst, bro.
You should play with him.
Absolutely right.
Oh, that's all you babe?
That's how easy it is to get me in.
Oh, let's go.
Let's see.
Hold in.
All in.
God.
And then another tactic.
All that.
Another tactic to use when you go to jewelry places, act like you're shopping for someone else.
Be like, somebody sent me in here to buy something for this person.
So that way, it's like you telling the budget, be like, oh, nah, this is for him.
So they don't try to game you because they know your budget is somebody else's budget and they're not there to game it.
That's smart.
That is very smart.
That's smart.
That guy Mario Jeweler told me that.
He's like, those are the only people I can't really like upsell because it's like, you want to know something crazy?
I have a discount at Cartier for 50% off, but it takes two weeks to get.
And my girl wouldn't have had a Christmas present.
Oh my God.
So I could have saved half.
Oh, my God.
You better return that shit.
You better exchange that shit.
I know.
Wow.
Hey, man.
I'll open it on Christmas.
If I exchange it, how does it work?
No, return.
You can't return.
You got a gift receipt, right?
Wait, you can't return?
I don't think you expect it.
Buy?
Hold on.
How the fuck do you know?
You've known an Indian for 10 years.
You don't know this shit.
You buy.
I don't know.
I thought it's like.
Hold on.
Yeah.
Buy one, that same exact one on your boy's discount.
Yeah.
When it comes in, you take the receipt that you paid 15 or whatever for with the new watch that you just got.
Take that back to Cardiac.
Hey, I'm returning this.
Yeah, but he said he return.
There's no returns?
Son, there's so many people listening right now going, he really ain't Jewish.
We thought he was lying.
We thought he was hella sick.
He really ain't.
No returns?
Son, I think you should exchange.
They gotta give me a Christmas.
I gotta exchange that shit first.
Hey, you better get yourself some love.
Yeah, exactly.
Love you something.
You exchange?
It's a princess.
It's your bracelet, yo.
Cardier bracelet.
Men's for Cardi bracelets.
It's a princess.
No, you bring it in.
It's a princess.
You bring it in.
You exchange it.
Exchange it with, and then you bring in your 50% off, and then you buy yourself something.
But if, oh, God, it's a princess.
Yo, can we see it?
He's got to talk himself through it because he knows he's paused.
It's rapid.
You get a rap dog.
They're like, do you want to wrap it for us?
I was like, if you don't wrap this fucking present, I'm going to wrap this fucking present right now.
You should give Mario rapping his fucking self.
No, he gave it to some other fucking bitch.
Son.
Yo, Mario, whole pimp.
Bro.
Oh, man.
Put his whole fist in your ass for that shit.
God damn.
Oh my gosh.
And a trip.
I'm doing a trip.
I'm doing Jamaica also.
That's a cartier return policy.
You can return it new and unused state, perfect condition with all protective materials in place and tags and stickers attached to them.
I just saved you 50%, yo.
And you get your money back?
Yeah.
Do it.
I just saved you 50%, yo.
Do it.
So you just have her unwrap, look at it.
She can't try it on.
Oh, son.
Be like, yo, look at it.
Just tell her you're going to get it engraved or something.
She doesn't say nothing, yo.
What?
Order a new shit right now.
In two weeks when it comes, you return that one as if it's the one you brought your girl.
Ah, yes.
Order the exact same joint.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I don't know.
You want me to order another one?
I think I bought too much.
I think it's too much.
I think I'm like a little avalanche.
What is it called?
What is the when the ball is rolling of snow?
Yeah.
Snowball effects.
Snowball effect.
Is that a snowball?
Snowball effect.
I'm rolling.
And it's just more and more watches are wrapping around me.
And I need to get away from these watches.
I think we need to just calm everything down.
Hey, just don't take my bet.
You keep your watch.
Keep it away from me.
No, but that's a good idea.
You should do it.
I think that's a good idea.
Okay, we do that.
Okay.
Listen.
Yo, and then you let me holler at this dude.
Oh, my God.
You should have went in with somebody.
I'm going through it.
Why would you make such a big purchase without me?
I don't know.
Your first wife?
Yo.
We still stayed friends after.
What's up?
It's the only breakup I've maintained in a relationship.
And I'm not going to lie.
I was salty.
I was not feeling it.
All right, let's talk about some shit.
Because.
Oh, guys.
We ain't got that much time, do we?
No, we don't have that much time.
What about a half?
Let's see what we got here.
Your advice is mad juvenile.
Well, it is.
Your advice is like, you would be dating 14-year-olds.
I can tell you.
Like, I get done the rose that don't die.
That's how you started.
Bro. 16-year-old put on the bottom of the business.
I can tell you still did college.
You still did die.
No.
I haven't been in a relationship in a while.
But I'm just saying, you started low is all I'm saying.
And then you progressively get it.
Go with friend advice.
It's good.
Al don't date girls that speak English.
So whatever he says don't mean anything anyway.
Right?
He says this.
He goes like this.
He goes, this is a rose, but it's made out of crystal, so it never dies like us.
But all they'd be hearing is dabble, dabble, dabble, You know, it's more fucked up because your relationships don't last.
So they should be looking at this fucking rose forever.
Undying rose.
Just a reminder of all the bad decisions that they've made in life.
Dating you.
That's great.
You're taking that shit back home with him.
There's a rose that never dies.
Unlike everything I put in your stomach.
I saw it out.
They didn't.
Oh, good.
Oh, God.
Something was coming.
And this banana is how I feel like emotionally.
I am bruised.
I am bruised and ripe.
Oh, son.
I don't want to come off of the high because once I come off of the high, I'm going to be very upset.
The Dick Curve Phenomenon00:10:41
Yeah.
You should be.
Just a little bit.
Whatever, dog.
Whatever, man.
Special.
You know what I mean?
That's your girl.
You said that.
I'm getting bananas.
What happened?
Got a lot of dicks.
Look at it.
Oh, what?
Yo.
Oh.
I mean, Kaz said this brilliantly.
We have for you guys.
Bananas.
The 12 dicks of Christmas.
Yes.
And there's been a lot of dick pics out this week.
I don't know for whatever reason.
It's the Dickopoulos, the Dick Pocalypse.
Hey, you guys are lucky.
You get to see these dicks in four.
These are dicks in the new studio.
Real talk.
Five perfectly good dicks.
So, what are we gonna do?
Yo, Eddie, how you got the Windows Media Player background on your Apple?
That's a great question.
That is remember that?
You remember that Windows Media background?
Okay, who's this?
This is it, wait, Here's a better idea.
Yes.
Just show us the dicks.
We guess who's dicks.
Love it.
Love it.
Just press button.
Wait, what the fuck?
I can't hear him when this is playing.
Ah, well, then don't worry about playing it.
Just get a run through it.
Yeah, there we go.
Or just screenshot.
Now is it good?
Okay, perfect.
Okay.
Is that a wedding ring she got on?
Well, it's a black woman, so it's definitely not ASAP Rocky.
Shots fire.
I'm going to guess it's ASAP.
Didn't he date Chanel Amon?
He got a wedding ring on.
This is foul, yo.
Is that a wedding ring?
That's an engagement ring, son.
So they were making fun of him because he is a backstroke stroke game.
Wait, that's bad?
He's pretty good.
That seems like a pretty standard stroke, yo.
Wait, girls were upset at this stroke.
You know what it is?
Why is she pulling her shit down?
She's embarrassed of her.
Yeah, that is weird.
It's a solid stroke.
I mean, if this is what this is.
Hold on, pause.
Yeah, pause it.
Get the next video ready.
What makes a good backstroke?
You know what?
Bitches watch too much porn.
We're too desensitized to what sex is supposed to be at this point.
How do you guys do it?
I mean.
Was that ASAP Rocky?
Name that dick.
I'm gonna.
I'm gonna.
Was that ASAP?
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna back.
ASAP.
Backstroke Rocky.
Wait a minute.
Real call.
Real talk.
I don't understand this.
Why that was a bad stroke.
I just grab the hips and I just pound like that.
I mean, as fast as I can.
You gotta get a good rhythm to it.
You know what I mean?
It's gotta be a.
Can you show on Akash how I mean?
Listen, there's it depends.
Reports just need a question.
It's just like, all right, you know what I mean?
You know, those like how's the highlights posts on Instagram when basketball players are in sync?
You know, two guys do the same thing after a rebound, they go on the floor.
That was that chemistry, baby.
That's actual chemistry.
God damn.
I don't understand why that's a bad backstroke.
This was cream in some way.
Sometimes she moves a lot.
I mean, sometimes you need a nice slow stroke when you got like the first, you know.
Yeah, I mean, you gotta get the depth in there.
But after a while, you gotta.
It didn't look like he increased speed or intensity or anything.
He just kept it.
It was like one speed massage.
That's nothing.
He's filming.
He's filming and fucking at the same time.
That means you should put on even more.
Yeah, but your balance is all off.
There's all these things at once.
Yeah, I mean, it's like a lot of.
It's a lot of movements.
I mean, if you've ever videotaped yourself, what's going on, right?
A lot of times you're not looking at your stroke.
You're looking at the phone.
So it's like.
But the fact that that girl has an engagement ring on it is foul.
Foul.
Like, that's disgusting.
Beautiful ring, too.
Oh, now he's going for it.
That's bad.
That room is disgusting.
It feels like there's clothes everywhere.
I mean, this right here, I don't even know if she's alive.
All right.
Like, he is going after that.
That's all a bad stroke game.
What if he's just not taking the dick good enough?
That's another thing.
Shorty can't take the dick.
I mean, she's taking the dick like a cork sprout.
That girl is unmoved by that dick, man.
Not even a also beat up.
She got these scars on her butt.
I don't want to watch this anymore, dude.
I don't even believe it's ASAP, to be honest with you.
Dude, this is in a waffle house.
It doesn't look like it.
It doesn't look like ASAP right.
I mean, that was no.
No, no, no, get out of here.
It doesn't look like ASAP wrong to me.
Get out of here.
Now, is it gay to eat a banana while you watch guys' dicks?
Only if you suck on it.
Facts.
I can't.
I mean, it got to at this point.
It's okay.
Maybe we don't need to enlarge it.
Okay, that's an oh, God.
What is this?
Well, we can't.
We don't have to guess because it's tagged.
Steph Curry.
How do we know that's that's not Steph's dick?
Yeah, that could easily just be someone else's dick put on this whole thing.
Yeah, well, I don't understand.
Like, that doesn't make any sense.
So they have if nobody's seeing this, there's like a collage of dicks, and it just has like a toweled Steph Curry on the left, which I'm assuming is after a game.
No, I get it, dude.
I thought you were doing it because of the fucking dicks.
No, I didn't want to.
Did you want the catch?
He'll dump audio to catch it.
Oh, okay.
Got it.
Anyway.
Hold on.
Is it going to catch a fart if I fart?
Probably.
You know, we never really.
Come on, son.
Did it?
Did it pick it up?
Shoot it that way, bro.
Why are you signing at me?
I'm trying to get up.
Shit, my bad.
You fart all the time.
We're in Alex's hotel room when we were down in Philly.
I'm laying on his bed.
Alex is like deep in an edit.
He's cutting up this clip.
And all of a sudden, I farted.
And Al just takes one headphone off his ear and goes, Get out of my room.
It was so distressing.
I shouldn't have done this.
That's what I'm saying.
All right, get this dick out of here.
Please, next.
What's this one?
Okay, the baby.
Yeah.
Now, this is this is funny because wow.
You know it's nigga if it made Kaz go wow.
This dick got a curve on it.
It's got an aggressive curve.
Have you ever seen like golf when the streak follows the shot?
Don't his dick look like he just teed off?
You know what I'm saying?
Like you ever watch the NHL on Fox and they have pretty slouch dicks and they follow the puck.
Oh, geez.
That dick right there is too.
That's how you measure a table corner.
That is you know what I'm saying?
Like he's just trying to carve out a surfboard.
Bro, to be fair, you should look like a new moon.
Dude.
One of them black Australians could throw that shit and it come right back to me.
That's the real style, baby.
This looks like some encouragement, like a big thumbs up.
But to be fair, so when this leaked, like every every every woman on Twitter lost their fucking mind.
Right.
Wheezy was going crazy.
They were Wheezy and Chrissy was having like fucking video chats about the shit.
Yeah.
Just it was Wheezy a dork, yo.
You dork ass bitch.
Brow up, bitch.
I mean, it was funny because, you know, like, it's rare that you just see women just that universally horny at one point.
Yes.
So like, women aren't usually funny, but they're funny when they're horny.
Right.
So they had lots of jokes.
But it turns out the baby went and debunked the myth that it was his cock.
The guys cocked that it was owned up to the video and shocking.
And even better, started an OnlyFans account that night and spread it around Twitter.
He get some money?
I don't know, but I'm assuming he did.
But there was so many.
Girls like it when your dick curves like that.
My dick doesn't curve like that.
My dick doesn't curve like that either.
I'm very straight and slight curve.
Not like that.
That's like.
Wow, you got a curve?
A little curve, yeah.
Oh, well, that's like a full curtula.
Does that only happen with black guys' dicks?
Doesn't get big enough.
Yeah.
You just can't handle it.
He just runs out.
It's like males when they start to just curl in, you know?
Dude, what is going on?
It's like when you're trying to...
Bruh, believe me, I don't know.
Oh, God.
How many of your dicks could you fit in that dick?
Smuggle your dick into a country.
This thing is like the pest dispenser for my dicks.
You just pop up with the head, buddy.
My cut just pops out.
Okay.
That's so good.
Oh.
That shit is not a game, bro.
I feel like you could clean the corners of furniture with that thing.
If you just took a deep breath with your dick, kicking all the crumbs out of the couch.
She looks like a big-ass comma.
Like separating sentences.
Holy shit.
All right, all right.
Please change it.
Yeah, please.
That's a lot of dudes.
Yo, so that was this girl who posted this tweet that went viral.
And it's like a girl toxic shaman women.
And I love this fucking post.
So it was so many women retweeted those leaked nudes.
And the sad fact is too many women think consent, boundaries, and respect only apply to men dealing with women.
When the reality is, women need to be checked and face consequences for their predatory behavior disguised as jokes.
I like that shit.
Yo, real talk?
I like that shit, too.
If this was a celebs pussy, like a girl celebs pussy, and like famous people retweet and talk about it.
Crucify.
Let me tell you something.
Like imagine we did jokes like how Weezy and Jesse were doing.
Celebrity Nudes and Law00:02:55
Son, we'd be crucified.
Let me tell you.
Yo, real talk, they sent someone to jail.
The guy who did the Revenge Porn website?
Yeah.
He had a revenge.
The fapping when they were like leaking like Scarlett Johansson nudes and like...
That shit was wild with Jennifer Lawrence got busted on her face.
That's all.
She's covering cum.
I didn't even see it.
You didn't see that?
Yeah, the fapping was like, what were it?
I'm reeling from the face by 2017.
There was cum dripping all over Jennifer Lawrence's whole face.
And that's what she was dating.
That's the only way I would find her interesting.
Those X-Men movies was not in.
Not even great, interesting necessarily, just...
Oh, okay.
Okay, hold on.
Okay, there's something.
She's finally doing something worth it.
My goodness.
I'm glad I'm out of here.
I'm glad I'm looking up at that shit.
This is scary.
You hated this one.
Oh, we didn't see it.
This I don't want to watch.
I feel uncomfortable already watching.
No.
Real Logan Plays.
It's not Logan.
Oh, come on.
No way.
It's not him.
I knew it.
I can't watch this.
Oh, God.
That's too much.
Look at you, guys.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop.
Stop.
I'm about to break the whole studio.
That's a lot.
That's a lot.
Please stop.
Yeah, okay.
Look at it.
Can you palate cleanse me?
Eden, Alex, something.
I just need a palette cleanse of something.
So many dicks.
Yo, I can't even fuck you.
Please.
Anything.
Anything.
All right, that's better.
Oh, God.
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
All right, we're going to take a break for a second, pay some bills.
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Now let's get back to the show.
Ver Arvi.
Ver Arvi.
So that was a lot.
Free Legal Case Reviews00:15:03
I'm kind of glad this happened, though, because like the next time like a celebrity's nudes leak that like I really want to see.
Keep that same energy.
Keep the same fucking energy, bro.
When Georgia Smith nudes leak or fucking, what's the girl's name?
You know, every two years when New Rihanna nudes leak.
Yo, I want the same energy, Cat B, because bitches was having a ball with them, the baby dicks.
There's an interesting story popping up that we spoke about months ago.
And we alluded to it.
We couldn't really say that much.
Maybe we talked about it on the Patreon, but it was the idea that Kawhi Leonard went to the Los Angeles Clippers, not only because he's from Los Angeles and wanted to play with Paul George, but potentially because Uncle Dennis, I believe, no, is that his uncle Dennis?
Uncle Dennis was asking for certain things for himself from different teams, and the Clippers were the team that acquiesced.
Now, according to Sam Amik of the Athletic, Uncle Dennis Robertson, Uncle Dennis, wanted partial ownership share of the Lakers, private plane access, not a private plane like a lot of people were requesting, private plane access.
That's reasonable.
Reasonable.
A house.
Partial ownership is absurd.
Partial ownership is absurd.
Personal plane access?
Reasonable.
Yeah, absolutely.
That one is reasonable.
Partial ownership, go fuck yourself.
And you know what?
You do have it.
A guaranteed amount of endorsement money to secure his commitment.
And according to the NBA, all those requests have violated the NBA's collective bargaining agreement and were thus denied by Lakers governor, Genie Buss.
This is a smart move for the Lakers to finally leak this because now it makes the Clippers look like they didn't.
And leaking it right before they play each other on Christmas Day, biggest day.
Merry Christmas.
Basketball television.
Everybody's going to be watching that game.
Everybody's going to be watching Lakers Clippers.
That's the marquee game on Christmas Day.
This was strategy at its finest.
Yeah.
Because we, like, we heard about this months ago.
Months ago.
Or something alluding to this.
But to have it leak right now lets me know.
Got to be some sort of truth.
And it's the best time to leak it.
Got to be some sort of truth.
Because the offseason, we're all like, eh, whatever.
This time of year, we're finally starting to give a fuck about basketball.
Basketball season starts at Christmas.
Yeah, exactly.
Fuck all the other November, October games.
It's Christmas.
And the funny shit is Stephen A. Smith alluded to this before.
And the funny thing is, nobody remembers the video.
It's a viral video.
We look on Twitter when Stephen A. Smith, I'm here to tell you right now, we don't care.
That's what he was talking about.
He was talking about how there was rumors that Kawhi actually did.
And if you watch that whole video, when at the end he goes, I'm here to tell you right now, we don't care.
Because he signed to the Clippers, they traded for Paul George, all this other shit.
Like, this has kind of been like the dirty little secret that like everybody within the NBA circles have maybe heard about.
Maybe don't know.
So do we need to take back some of the things we said about Uncle Dennis on this podcast where it's like, yo, he saved Kawhi.
And maybe he did, but also he seems like he's looking out for himself a lot.
He is looking out for himself.
I think that Kawhi is more savvy than we let on.
And I think some of the stuff he was asking for were guaranteed, what was it?
Ownership.
Ownership stake, paraplane access, and guaranteed endorsement money.
Guaranteed endorsement money for Kawhi, not for himself.
Yeah, yeah.
So there's certain things that he was asking for.
And listen, what did we say, right?
It was like the second after he signed to the Clippers, all of a sudden he was like in the promo for the Lion King and like random things, right?
And we're like, oh, okay.
This is what happens when you're involved with billionaires.
What billionaires do is, like anybody else does, they just do it at the highest level, is they have access to what's almost free money.
For example, you're starting an investment fund.
Usually it costs $25 million to enter, but you say to your buddy, hey, just give a million.
You're going to still get the same returns that these $25 million people do, right?
Now, in order to get a return on your investment that is, let's say, 10% or whatever, you have to put in a number like $25 million.
But what if you can only put a million in?
Well, you can't.
Oh, but now you know the guy.
So you can.
Yeah.
You know, these are free money types of schemes.
Not free, nothing's for free, but you're getting access to these things that are, I don't want to say short bets, but they're the closest thing in business to short bets.
And now you can be in on the ground floor.
Life is, I always say life is a leverage game.
These guys can just leverage a bunch of other things.
Ah.
They have the most leverage on earth.
So I can leverage my leverage is I got a hedge fund I got access to.
Come on, let's do that.
Hey, what about Steve Ballmer?
Now, Steve Ballmer is the sales guy or was the sales guy for Microsoft.
I don't know if he's still there, right?
Yeah.
You don't think that he has access to every single tech prospect.
Of course.
Every single tech business venture, every single tech investment for like whatever he wants, he has.
Of course he's going to give Kawhi some of that.
Not or Dennis.
Honestly, you're a terrible owner if you're not offering your star player that shit.
No.
You know what I'm saying?
Like you look at Draymond Draymond Green, who's like the fourth best player on that team, early investor in fucking Smile Direct.
No.
Because he's in the Bay Area.
He probably knows a bunch of tech guys that knows that shit's about to take off.
Like Andre Igodala, another super smart fucking investment that he's done with tech.
We just looked at the top 10 athletes in Forbes.
Who's number seven?
Kevin fucking Durant.
Because he's right there.
Like, you're a bad owner if you're not giving your star players.
He's operating.
And why do you have to?
Because we have a salary cap.
Of course.
If there's a salary cap, you will find, and players are getting underpaid and underpaid, I mean by in terms of like what they're valued on the open market.
Absolutely.
You will find ways to give them that value.
There's a reason why it's illegal.
Of course LeBron does it.
I mean, like, also LeBron owns everything that he does, which I like outside the sneakers.
But having access to all these things is crucial.
And you're going to do extra stuff for your star players.
Like Kobe had a fucking helicopter taking him every day.
Yep.
He had the fucking Kobe chopper that he landed at the top of the Staples Center every home game.
Yeah.
He needs that shit.
Was it Tom Center or was it top of the hotel?
He was next to it.
I think so.
Maybe it might have been Figueroa somewhere around there.
Doesn't matter.
It is interesting to see how it could come out.
And what's interesting is to see the repercussions of do they punish Kawhi?
That's what I'm wondering.
Well, you're going to punish, you're going to punish the Clippers.
You're not going to punish Kawhi.
Ah, yes.
What can you really do to cool?
You have to punish the Clippers.
Now, do they lose a draft pick?
Yo, when this is like 15 years ago, the Timberwolves tried to do some sneaky shit and get around the salary cap to re-sign Joe Smith.
Yes.
They lost like five first-round picks in a row.
NBA brought the fucking hammer.
Well, here's the thing with this, right?
It's like, what do they say?
The punishment has to fit the crime.
Yes.
Right?
Now, obviously, this is not a bad crime in the scheme of things with rape and murder, right?
But in terms of a crime in the NBA and crimes in the NBA are often things that give you an unfair advantage in winning.
It ruins the integrity of the game.
Right.
And by ruining the integrity, it gives you an unfair advantage to win, right?
So that is the heaviest, that is the most egregious crime that you could possibly commit.
Something that gives you this massive advantage in winning.
If you don't punish it strong enough, other teams will just do it.
There's a I'm trying to think of the exact example, but there are situations where, like, if you're a rich guy.
I mean, in any sport.
This is what I was thinking.
If you're a really rich guy, right?
Alex was explaining this to me.
I was like, we were driving on the side of the road because we had to get a gig.
And I was like, what's the ticket for this?
He's like, I don't know, like $250.
I go, I'll just pay for it.
That's worth it to get to the gig on time.
And he goes, yeah, but I'll get points on my license.
I go, ooh, that's a good punishment for the crime because now the rich guy is equally affected as the poor guy.
You don't care about that $250, but the points on the license, that could affect your life.
You can't drive no more.
So they have to find what is points on the license to the league.
Draft picks.
It'll be like eight first-round draft picks.
I mean, I guess.
I almost feel like it wasn't really, you got to forfeit some games.
Like, if that's, if you get caught red-handed doing that to the game.
Here's the problem with forfeiting games.
You end up hurting the team that you're playing against.
Because they can't get wins.
They can't.
Well, even if you did give them wins, why do they get those wins opposed to other teams?
And two, the players that are playing on that team, they want to get their buckets in.
They want to have historic careers.
They want to get, you know.
You'd have to give them like a loss against every other team that they play against.
Like one loss for every team.
Because you'd have to evenly disperse the losses.
It's a tricky thing.
I think you're going to see first-round pick draft picks go.
And I think it's a lot.
And is it worth it?
That's what I'm saying.
Like, if the Clippers win the championship, then there's no fucking.
It's worth it.
So now every other team is going to go, should I, and this is hypothetical, should I trade six first go?
Sorry, you're going to have to also bring the hammer down on Bomber.
You're not allowed at games.
You had to sell the team, but you're not allowed at games for a full season, two seasons, whatever.
No.
You're out, and it's going to have to be embarrassing for you.
So you can, so every owner can say, I don't know if I want to look like that.
That's what you're going to have to do.
Huh.
I mean, that's going to be rough.
It's going to be both.
I don't think it's going to be as rampant as we might seem it could be because, you know, my owner didn't do that.
I fucking boycotted.
That's what I'm saying.
There's only maybe five players worth doing that for.
Kawhi's one of them.
I guess, I mean, maybe not KD anymore because it's Achilles has popped and he's in Brooklyn or whatever.
Yeah.
But like, you know, Giannis is going to be on the free market in a year or two.
Like, you don't think motherfuckers are going to be like, yo, we'll side you, your brothers.
We'll give them all whatever the fuck they want.
Like, I think the league should wait till the end of the season and then disqualify them for, like, they can't be in the playoffs.
That would be the best punishment in terms of like, fuck you.
You don't get away with this.
You're just, you're not.
I mean, that's what they do in the NCAA.
I mean, like, they take away scholarships and they ban you from postseason play.
So, like, you could play games and you're not necessarily going to get to play.
Wait till the end of the season sounds that way.
Silver knocks.
Silver pussy, though.
He don't really bring down punishments on anything.
He is a fucking pussy, man.
Do they take away your ability to make the playoffs for the length of the contract?
Nah, that would be too much.
That'd be a good thing.
Because then the following seasons, they're just going to coast.
They're like, oh, there's no point in really actually playing because we don't have a chance of playoffs.
So you could only really go for the one season.
And you got to wait till the end of the season.
So they play mad hard and then they think they're whatever, number one, number two in the West, and then bang.
But isn't it worth it still to have Paul George and Kawhi when you just had to sacrifice one season?
I mean, the Nets got Kyrie and Kevin Durant, and they're willing to sacrifice one season with Kevin Durant.
Oh, that's true.
Very true.
I like your idea of eliminating them from postseason contention because it defeats the whole purpose of ever doing that because you'll never be able to win a championship.
The only reason you do it is to win a championship.
Boy, you have to do it for the life of his contract and really be effective.
I wonder if you do it just to make a statement.
I really wonder if you do it to make a statement.
But here's where it gets tricky, right?
Money.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's Los Angeles.
Do you really want to tell a franchise in Los Angeles?
They're not going to do that because they're not going to lose LA money.
I think, yeah, exactly.
You don't want to lose that staple center money.
They're going to be in the playoffs.
You got two teams that are playoff bound that's going to be going deep into the playoffs in your second biggest market or your first biggest market, depending on the year in your entire league.
Do you really want to take LA away from that?
Even if it's the biggest...
In order to maintain control and the integrity of the league, the punishment cannot take into account how valuable these franchises are.
I know it will, but it shouldn't, right?
Because otherwise, it actually gives an unfair advantage to those valuable franchises.
And the whole idea of the NBA is relinquishing that power, those owners relinquishing that power.
And you having a team like Utah, even though it's not equal, a closer chance to being equivalent with a team like the Lakers.
It's not.
Obviously, there's more things the Lakers can offer this and the other.
Maybe they got a Donald Sterling.
Fire him.
Yeah, sell the team.
Force him to sell the team and one year you can't go to the playoffs.
Yo, take away one year of the playoffs, force them to sell the team.
Yo, I like that.
It scares everybody.
You got to go.
Because what owner would ever pay?
Yeah.
They would never pay because the risk is you're going to, unless you were ready to sell the team and you're like, fuck it, let's go for broke this one year because I'm selling anyway.
But still, that's an interesting thing.
But then you still don't want that because then you're disqualified from playoffs.
But does that drive down the value of your team since you're not going to the playoffs?
Can you really make that much money?
I mean, granted, you're still going to make a shit ton of money selling an NBA team, but if you know that you can't go to the playoffs, the Clippers sold for $4 billion when they were terrible, right?
They weren't terrible, but they were sold for $2 billion.
$2 billion.
Yeah, that's true.
The Knicks were offered $4 billion.
They raised the money.
They offered Dylan $4 billion.
He said no.
To who Bezos?
I heard Bezos was in there.
I don't know.
I can't say.
But.
Anyway, I don't know if this will happen.
I think we're only getting started with this story.
I don't think it's going to get swept up.
I hope.
I hope it doesn't go away.
You know what bothers me about it?
How good would the fucking Raptors be if he had stayed?
They're 21 and 8 without him.
They're great.
Kyle with the current.
They're 21 and 8 without him.
And Kyle just got back.
Yeah, and Siakam's been hurt for a while, too.
Yo, Siakam is a beast.
They were right to give him the Max.
He's legit.
Once he started to hit that corner three, and the other thing they started to do is be able to shoot off the dribble.
And once you start to do that, you're a superstar.
The other thing is Fred Van Fleet.
This kid, Fred Van Fleet, I think he went to Wichita, if I'm not mistaken.
Wichita State, yeah.
Wichita State.
He's been a gamer his whole fucking life.
Yeah.
He's got ice in his veins.
I was talking to a buddy of mine, and this is before they ever won the championship, before he had that wild playoff run.
He says to me, he goes, he goes, I'm telling you, this could, it was when I was at Summer League.
He goes, he goes, ice in his veins.
I go, what do you mean?
He goes, unflappable.
I started to learn more about.
I started to, same way in college, I started to learn more about Fred Van Feliet.
Apparently, he's from Southside of Chicago or one of these like real bad neighbors in Chicago.
Marshawn Lynch Playoff Run00:14:49
His pops, I think, was like a big drug dealer.
I think they got popped or killed.
And then the guy who also raised him and his like mom's new husband or something like that was like a cop.
I believe.
Oh, shit.
So you gotta, you gotta.
You gotta have nerves to steal if those here fucking parents on both sides of the fucking spectrum.
Yeah, I can see that.
You on an island, yo, because you can't really side with the drug dealer dudes because your dad's an ops.
But at the same time, if you're with the ops, those guys are like, yo, fuck that kid.
So it's like you're in this unique situation where you've got to find yourself and be comfortable with yourself.
And now you see him in the league, like, okay.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, he, he's, I watched a lot of him in college because I'm a big fan of Wichita State.
They've always did me well in my brackets.
I'm like, they're Cinderella, too.
They're always like a safe, like, sweet 16 type.
Like them, VCU, all those guys.
But I just remember him just being just fucking steady as fuck.
Like, never fucking.
He was in the finals.
Yeah, just like, you just know he's going to be a net positive when he's on the court.
Like, he may not fucking win the game for you.
Was he the most consistent player in the finals?
Absolutely.
Hawaii had little games here and there.
He wasn't quite Kawhi.
Nikki.
Did Pascal disappear for a game or two?
Big shots.
He's now playing Steph Curry.
Yeah.
Big shot.
And he had his orbital bone fractured or something.
His face is all swollen and shit.
Oh, the wild shit about the Toronto Raptors franchise.
Like, how many like transcendent players have played for that?
One.
Two.
Vince Young, but Vince.
Vince Carter.
Vince Carter.
Tracy McGrady.
Chris Bosch.
Just got nominated to the Hall of Fame.
Fucking Kawhi Leonard.
Got Pascal Siakam, who's on his way.
Like, that's five all-timers in that franchise has been around.
Pascal, you a little premature on.
But let's average 20 potential.
Yeah, let's give it another.
Right.
But he's already got a chip.
You know what I mean?
Like, he's already got the most approved player in the NBA.
I, man, though, if they, if he doesn't leave, if Kawhi doesn't leave, they got, I think they have a great shot at repeating.
And then after this year is over, Lowry's off the books for 30 million and Gasal is off the books for like 20 million.
Also, Messiah Jira.
He might be out.
Yeah, but like just you can, the cap space you got.
You can, let me tell you who's not leaving if Kawhi's there.
Messiah Jira.
Exactly.
Now it's who everything is different.
And then they got however many million for you.
You could go get fucking Giannis if you wanted.
And then it's just, they were set up beautifully if Kawhi State.
You're so right.
They could easily compete for it again this year.
And then after that, you are ready to do whatever the fuck you want to do.
They're still, they could still fuck around to win the East this year.
Which is wild.
They used to do it.
It's very fucking winable.
It's doable.
Outside of Giannis being the, like, God, I saw this motherfucker up close and personal recently.
Who?
Giannis, just like in the city.
Yeah.
This motherfucker is scary, though.
He's unreal and he's un he's unreal.
Like, and I watched a game like before, and like he's at the point right now that like LeBron and Jordan was a few years ago where like 40% of him is good enough to just like fucking dog walk any team.
Like the day before, I think two days before, like he's given, he's going back and forth with LeBron, dropped like 40-something, triple-double, hitting five threes, killing.
You know what I mean?
He goes against the shitty ass Knicks.
He's fucking, I don't think he even sweat.
He's fucking just speedwalking through the game.
Yeah.
Had a triple-double, like half a third quarter left and sat for the rest of the fucking game.
That dude, he's now that he's consistently hitting threes and taking those fucking threes.
That's always been the issue.
It's like, is he going to learn how to shoot and become like, you know, one of the greatest players to ever do it?
Or is he going to not learn how to shoot and then be Dominique Wilkins?
It's never been...
With him, it's never been about the ability to shoot.
It's just like, will you take these shots?
That's why he's got motherfuckers.
Hate Ben Simpson.
Take the fucking shot.
His jumper is uncomfortable.
I think Giannis will take him.
Yeah, Giannis takes him.
The thing that stuck out.
He's got a weird hitch.
Like, if you look at his jumper.
If he can just be serviceable, though.
Yeah.
It's just, he's okay with it because his arms are so fucking cartoonishly long.
Yeah.
Like you see when he has to square up weirdly.
Yeah.
And like, and his hands are big, so it just fucking goes.
But people give him that shot.
So the hitch doesn't bother me that well.
Like people aren't up in his grill like KD, where it's like, it doesn't matter if you're this fucking close, it's still, it's still going to be perfect.
But with Giannis, it's an easy.
He has all fucking day to shoot those.
And if you come up close to him, he's going to take two fucking steps, two gigantic fucking strides to the hoop and either ditch to somebody or just dunk on your head.
It's unfair.
He's unfucking fair.
There's how's Kyrie told Kyrie yesterday?
How was that?
Yeah, I saw the picture.
It was dope, man.
Did play by play for Nike and Slam.
Line in like a little bitch.
Dude's like really fucking hurt.
Say again?
He's really hurt.
Like, he's going to be out for a while.
What a surprise.
Who saw this come?
Wait.
Wait, I mean, Kyrie Irving got injured?
Yeah, I mean, listen, what's heard about him?
So I'll tell you this.
When we were, you know, we were doing like halftime in the game, and I'm talking to Nike folks.
I'm like, oh, can we get an award with Kyrie?
Like at halftime, whatever.
They're like, oh, okay, just, you know, no questions about this, that, the other.
Basically, don't talk about the injury.
Don't talk about when he's coming back.
Don't talk about anything.
Just talk about the, you know, the high school games.
So, all right, great, cool, cool.
As soon as halftime starts, he goes to the, he goes to the booth or whatever, goes to the back or whatever, probably just talks to the kids, whatever, and just completely like, you know, not blows off, but like, you can tell like...
Kids, time is a flat circle.
I mean, like, honestly, like, he was really fucking cool, like, around the kids or whatever.
He was really fucking cool, just like, just, you know, embracing like the whole event and all that type of shit.
But you can tell, like, something's like physically really off, like, way worse than I think they're trying to report as far as his shoulders.
Well, it's good.
The Nets might make the playoffs then, guys.
I mean, Spectre Dim wouldn't even fucking ball him.
The Nets will make the playoffs with him.
Yeah, yeah.
And then next year, when KD's back, they will be better, obviously.
But it is because of KD.
This is actually the best case scenario.
I think so.
For Kyrie, because he doesn't really take any of the blame.
If he played this year and they didn't make the playoffs, and then KD comes back next year and all of a sudden they're one of the best teams in the league, it's like, oh, okay.
We know who's carrying all the weight here.
And that's a lot to ask on the guy coming off of Popped Achilles.
Like, that's still.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, we still really don't know.
Like, we think we know.
Like, we hope he's back to like 75%, 80% of what he was when he came back, but we still don't fucking know.
Achilles is like, you can come back and be Rudy Gay and still be just as good.
Or be DeMarcus Cousins and you're just fucked forever.
There's an interesting story out right now talking about comebacks.
And the Seahawks, because of their depleted running back war.
Yeah.
Have signed Marshawn Lynch.
And I don't care as much about the football aspect of it.
What I think is really interesting about Marshawn Lynch is the marketing aspect.
And I wanted to kind of open up this discussion about the value of understanding media and also understanding your character.
Marshawn Lynch is a guy who allows people to think that he's dumber or more ghetto than he really is.
And when you do that, you can manipulate the media in a way to bring all these eyes and attention to you.
And then when that happens, you can use all that eyes and attention and monetize it.
Marshawn Lynch played the media brilliantly by kind of like almost living up to what a stereotype, what the stereotype of him is.
He's an typical Oakland nigga, just like he did it with nuance, right?
He's aware that that's what they thought of him, et cetera.
Obviously, the antics, what was he saying?
Next question.
I'm just here and I'll get fine.
I'm just here to all go fine.
I'm just here to get fine.
It was almost like this Oakland version of Bill Belichick or something like that.
And he flipped that into this crazy interest, which he turned into a TV show, which Kaz wrote on, right?
Brand deal.
So he was selling merchandise.
D. Small Ryan's got a big endorsement deal with Skittles, Nike.
Turn the Skittles thing, right?
Like he really did it.
And it's a testament to- He never spent his contract money.
He never spent his contract.
This is brilliant.
He never spent his endorsement money.
Ah.
Never spent his contract.
Regardless, it's a testament to what athletes should do in terms of marketing now.
There are ways that you can use this short amount of time that you're in the league to garner interest without hurting your team.
The thing about Lynch is never once, he's not OBJ.
Never once did you do anything that hurt the team.
For sure.
Right?
Like, never once did he make it about him, even though it was all about him.
Right.
But he didn't OBJ it.
It was never a detraction.
It was the answer.
I'm going to do whatever I have to take.
I'm just here so I don't get fine.
I want to get back to playing.
I don't want your attention.
I don't want your quits.
I want nothing.
And there are athletes out there that have all the skills, but they don't understand the marketing.
And the marketing is important, not for only while you play the game, but for after.
Marshawn Lynch would not be getting this contract if he wasn't a superstar.
If he was just any run-of-the-mill running back, and there are plenty out there.
I'm positive there are plenty of other running backs better equipped to take on a load, especially this late into the season, going into the play.
The Seahawks are like primed for a strong playoff run.
He wasn't even that good when he was at the Raiders.
He wasn't.
He was all right.
He was all right.
He's okay.
Here's the thing.
Get him in situations.
That's what he does.
He knows the system.
It's probably the same offense.
He's comfortable there.
I mean, yeah, I do think you're right.
In fact, also.
There are advantages to him.
I'm not saying it's not.
And I'll tell you this.
But think about it, right?
It's like, you're right, though.
You get a nice ego boost.
And not saying you have to sell tickets.
A good PR.
It looks great.
PR look.
There's any way.
You walk into the marketing office of the Seahawks, right?
And you go and you go, guys, we're going to sign Marshawn Lynch.
They are salivating.
They got the jersey right back up.
They got the bobblehead.
They can't wait to do it.
So it works out.
And I guess there's some synergy that already exists there, sure.
But he is the perfect example of how every athlete, and you don't have to do it his exact way, but how you should look at your career.
Make heat and make interest while you have it so that you can parlay it into other things afterwards.
And he fucking did that.
Yeah.
And just even from a football perspective, like watching him, just like I spent like a whole summer with him doing this, doing this show for BR.
And like he's got like this Paul Bunyan thing about him where like he doesn't really lift weights.
He doesn't really fucking do a bunch of like wild shit.
You know how he trains?
He goes to a beach, puts on combat boots, and he just fucking runs.
That's all the fuck he does.
That's all the fucking.
He puts on a bunch of sweats.
He goes to the beach, puts on heavy ass fucking boots and he just runs up and down.
Horrible 40.
Like, I mean, I assume he's been in the league since what, 2009?
It's about to be 2020.
And he's still pretty good.
And apparently, he had an amazing workout for the Seahawks before they signed him.
So it's like, he's got.
Yeah, they worked him out.
They worked him out too.
Like, I think a day or two ago.
So, like, the motherfucker's got like some Paul Bunyan in him where it's like, he's not one of these workout warriors.
He's just a guy that was just made for fucking football.
Yeah.
Where it's just like, yeah, he's good to go.
Like, 18 weeks off, fuck it.
Give him the ball with five yards.
You need five yards to go get it, but he can still get you five fucking yards.
So is he going to be the starting running back?
I think he's starting because they lost both of their running backs.
They lost, was it Canyon?
Carson.
Carson.
And the other guys.
They signed Robert Turbin, who also used to go on the Seahawks and Lynch.
And, you know, like, granted, it's still a very Russell Wilson offense.
So they're not going to ask Marshawn Lynch to carry the load.
Right.
But if you need somebody to punch it in, surprise, surprise.
Exactly.
How great of a fucking story is that, though?
Yeah.
Like, if they get in that situation again, everybody on planet fucking earth is like, you fucking better give it to Marshawn this time.
And he runs play action.
He runs fucking action.
Dog, that would be so funny.
Oh, my God.
If the football gods are listening, the only way this season ends is if it's a fucking Seahawks Ravens or Seahawks Patriots in the Super Bowl.
Turn goal at the end of the day.
Fourth and like two on the go line.
And you got Marshawn Lynch coming into the game.
Oh my God.
Like, I'm getting goosebumps thinking about that shit.
I'm like, yo, please set it up so it's like that.
I was in Seattle doing shows and I was waiting, I think, maybe two and a half years to do this joke in Seattle.
But do you guys remember the real world where they, in the beginning, they show the Seattle fish market?
Yes.
Where they throw the fish.
Yes.
First time I went there, I was like blown away because I always thought where they hold the fish and where they catch the fish was going to be like, you know, 10, 15 feet away.
Right.
It was literally one foot away.
Like you could literally just hand the fish off.
So I say, I go up there.
I was like, guys, what is it about Seattle when you're one foot away?
They go, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I was like, three years later, that shit's still stung.
Stung, dog.
I'm just stung, dude.
David Fellows.
But who's calling the plays at the pike market, Pete Carroll?
There's rare occasions where you can have perfect sports moments.
And if there is a moment, there's going to be a moment in this playoff series where I just play the 49ers next Monday night.
Highest Paid Business Expense00:07:42
Oh, this Sunday night, this game is actually like...
Big game.
Big game.
The loser is the five seed, and the winner is the one seed, I think, in the playoffs.
Yeah.
Well, maybe the Seattle wouldn't be the one seed.
You win the division and you get the, I think the field advantage in the first playoffs.
Seattle doesn't necessarily get homefield if they win.
New Orleans would have to lose also.
But if San Francisco wins, they're the one seed.
If they lose, they're the five seeds.
Amazing.
There's their statistics.
If Seattle wins, they're one or two.
It's not like they're just bringing Marshawn Lynch because, oh, it's a feel-good story.
Like, nah, they kind of need this motherfucker.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, you lose both your running backs, like, season-ending injuries.
Like, you need this guy.
Yeah, yeah.
So, it is going to be fun.
And the niners are really fucking good.
And it's in Seattle, right?
Yeah.
12th man.
It's going to be, it's going to be a fucking scene Sunday night.
Last game last year.
Mark Sean is back.
It's going to be dope.
Yeah.
That's the last game of the season, right?
There's no Monday night football.
Everybody should watch this.
Yeah, that's the last game of the season before the playoffs.
So it's like.
I'm not watching the Cowboys at all.
I'm watching this guy.
I would watch it.
Oh, yeah.
It's going to be a good one.
Probably watching zebra racing or some shit.
Now, Akash, before we get out of here, because we got to get out of here pretty soon.
And we know we did the ads yesterday.
Can we just insert those?
Okay.
Just because there's a pre-roll, too.
So we got to put it anyway.
But, Akash, did you see Skip Bayless?
Trashing his Cowboy stuff?
Yes.
Yeah.
Now, Feidelberg fights a friend over there at Barcelona.
That's our guy.
We need to bring him on.
We definitely need to get him on.
He tweeted something funny.
He goes, if this is his real house, he's made horrible decisions.
He goes, look at the cabinet handles.
Look at the microwave.
He goes, why is the microwave college?
He goes, this is a college home at best.
He goes, look at the chairs, and it is awful.
Is he a game?
He can't be gambling.
No.
Is he bad with money or is this like bad?
Dave, he's great with money.
So Skip started.
Well, he didn't start, but when the ticket started, that station always listened to in Dallas, he was like their guy.
So they still know him.
He won't acknowledge it.
He worked there.
It's really weird.
He also hated, that was his shtick then, is he hated the Cowboys.
So they, but they like know him and they say like he's smart, but it's all phony.
And you know what's also interesting?
His brother, I've heard this before.
His brother is like a renowned chef, Rick Bayless or something.
And he's like driven crazy by his brother's success and always feels on his shadow, which is just an interesting insight into Skip.
So that's why everything he does is to get more famous and it's all so fucking psychopathically planned.
But like he was probably somewhere and he was like, I have to pretend to make this video.
I have to pretend to be upset.
Let's go buy this, this, and this, wherever the fuck they are, and let's do this.
Let's go buy a Dak jersey.
Let's go buy a hat.
So he was in a hotel or like they're putting up.
It wasn't even a trash bag in his trash can.
That's the one thing that I was born about.
Shit, throwing just a plain ass fucking trash can of nothing but 10.
I'm like, oh, what do you mean by the money?
Probably just pay the guy $1,000.
Let me just be your fucking picture.
I'm just a fucking jersey.
Yeah.
Oh, gross.
I like that.
I like the move.
We need to get into that now that we have the space more.
Yeah.
Create these, create these moments.
Yeah, we got content to create, man.
The content kings in 2020.
Gang, gang, gang.
That's a fact.
That's a fact.
Anything else before we get out of here?
I know we got to do a tight app, but we wanted to get it up to you early while we are, while we're, you know, while we're all still here.
The highest paid athletes.
You know what's dope about highest paid athletes, Jordan Doc?
You know what I want to point out about the highest paid athletes?
You know who number one is?
My boy Floyd Mayweather.
Just the Billy.
And he's the only person that everybody constantly says he's broke and he's spent all the money.
If he spent all his money, kill yourself, bro.
It is.
If you spend a billion dollars.
Well, you know what's also dope about it.
What is it?
No, who's his boss?
Nobody.
No fucking body.
Yeah.
Andrew Schultz on the Floyd Mayweather path.
I got to do it.
Actually, I don't care about that, that level money.
But greatness, yes, of course.
And just not having to.
Floyd can say whatever the fuck he wants.
He can talk on Jeremy Lynn.
It don't matter.
He can say all the racy shit he wants.
It don't matter.
What are you going to take from Floyd?
I'm self-made.
I did all this.
My skill, my brains, even though they're damaged, I did this.
Do you think that he has, do you think that he spent the money or no?
I question little things.
And maybe the fight to him is just like a cash grab, but like his little shitty ass fights he was taking.
I was like, why are you taking this?
Yeah.
But like, I guess something is so easy for him fighting.
And he knows that he's so superior to all these other people.
And if they're willing to give him five, $10 million, it's just, it's like...
I mean, you can't.
What are you doing with $5, $10 million?
What is he?
Yeah.
I think it's why not?
I guess why not?
I think it's just so effortless for him.
Like, if he has to go fight a guy who's never just boxed before, he's only kickboxed or something like that.
Like, he's going to be so much better than him at boxing.
He's small.
It's not like he could hurt him.
You literally can't get hurt.
And then if you see that number, he's so close to the B, he might just.
He's just trying to get the B.
He might just try to get it.
Yeah.
That could be it, too.
I mean, shoot.
Fuck.
He'll be the first person ever to do it.
He could make a billion from fighting.
From the sport he does.
Because LeBron got it.
LeBron got it from endorsements.
Interesting.
Is he making...
Well, I know he's losing money on things.
Like, he's definitely losing money, I think, on that strip club.
He's losing money, obviously, with all the people that he has to pay, etc.
I heard he pays, and these could be fake stories, but something like $25,000 for haircuts or some dumb shit like that.
Yeah.
$3,000.
Whoa, fuck it.
The fuck is he spending $25,000 on a haircut?
And you look at Floyd Mayweather's spending happening here.
Bro, that's too funny.
Bro, if he's made $25,000 on a haircut, he deserves it.
That's a certain amount of money.
But I think it's just, I think a lot of this entourage shit is just like, yo, I need to give my boy a salary and write it off.
I need to help you out.
Like, if you're a fucking millionaire and I'm your boy, you came up with, you can't just give me $100,000.
You got to make it a business expense.
So you're my driver.
I got to pay you out of my corporation.
You're taking from job to job.
Here's $100,000.
Now I only lose $75,000.
Can I do that with my girl's gift?
If you can find a way, it's a business expense.
Yeah.
It's got to be more than I talked about it.
She'd be my professional time teller.
You know what?
If she's like...
She might be out there, so I don't want to give away with a gift.
But like, if it gets to, or if and when it gets to like wife, whatever, if she's like president of your company, maybe there's a way you could be like, oh, it's a Christmas bonus.
I had to, I had to give a gift as a Christmas bonus.
That's part of my company expenses.
I don't know if that's an actual thing.
Chicken tender.
I might be able to write that rolly off.
His role.
That's true.
It seems like it.
That's true.
That's a business expense.
I mean, this is your employee.
Sons.
I love y'all, man.
How do Asian people say Rolex?
Fuck up.
Asian people say Rolex.
Lorex.
Lorax, right?
Yeah, Lorenx.
Lorex.
Lodex.
No, it's a Rolex.
No, it's Road.
Eddie Ray Snl Standards00:09:18
How do they say rock and roll?
Walk and wool.
Oh, they go.
It's hard.
I can't imagine.
Woolwax.
Yeah, yeah.
So Brent.
Rendu.
Ruerus.
Rurus?
All right, guys.
There goes SNL, dog.
All right.
Oh, we never talked about Eddie on SNL.
Oh, shit.
Last thoughts.
Last thoughts.
Bro.
Oh, and real quick, right before that.
I'm going to be knocked out Buckley, bro.
Yo, one thing I just want to say, we released another show in LA for the special.
Those tickets are going fast.
I think we already sold like, I don't know, 750 to tickets or some shit like that.
It's crazy.
It's nuts.
We're going to do it April 12th in LA.
That's Easter Sunday, okay, at the Orpheum.
Um, thank you guys so much.
Yo, the whole squad is gonna be there.
Everybody coming out, so make sure y'all come through, man.
And yeah, that was it.
TheandrewSchultz.com for all the other tickets and shows.
You know, we got a bunch of shows coming up in the new year, so make sure you get that stuff, those uh stockings with those shows.
Same for Akash, same for Kaz.
I'm at Akash, what you got going on?
Uh, shows after the break, I'm gonna be at uh Stress Factory January 14th.
Love Stress Factory.
I'm gonna come through.
I'm gonna drag y'all too out if you can come.
You live in Jersey.
Then the next day, I'm at Helium on January 15th.
I am at Tacoma Comedy Club on January 28th.
Then Sacramento Funny Bone on January 29th.
And Rooster T Feathers from the 30th through the first.
Yo, Rooster T Feathers is such a fun club.
I'm so excited.
I love this club.
I'm so excited.
I don't know why it's named that.
It might be the worst best name of all comedy clubs, but it is such a fun club because it's intimate.
But, you know, you can still pack in.
You can still get people there, but it's intimate.
And the audience, I love the audience because, and we had this conversation before, it's around like tech worlds.
And I think that the best audiences are minorities that are educated, huh?
Yep.
And white people that are not educated.
But they got to be together.
And then if they're together, even better.
But like when you go in the tech, it's all like these like smart like engineers and that kind of shit.
But they're all removed from like one generation removed from either their mother countries where fucked up shit's going on.
So they're not going to let jokes offend them.
Or they grew up in the hood and then they seen some shit.
Now they're working for Apple or they're working for Google or something.
And if you have like the, I feel guilty about everything white people, they'll kill a fucking crowd.
But sometimes you get these hillbilly motherfuckers who are like, I don't give a fuck.
Say what everybody, bro.
Let the words fly.
Good show.
Good as fuck.
Exactly.
So it's like those things.
And I, and Rooster T-Feathers, it's in that tech hub, man.
It's fucking crazy.
Coma come through though.
Sacramento come through.
They give me the off nights right now for the most part.
Tuesday shows, Wednesday shows, because they don't think I can sell tickets.
So we got a show to them.
The army is strong, mobilized.
Okay, Eddie Murphy's, I haven't seen it.
If you guys saw Week of Design.
On the opening monologue.
Loved it.
Loved the whole fucking show.
It was great.
It was Eddie Does the fucking hits.
He came out.
First off, the initial fucking monologue when he came out with Chappelle, Chris Rock, Tracy Morgan, Keenan Thompson.
Weeks.
Yo, that shit was weak.
You thought it was weak?
Yo.
That shit was weak.
Yo, buggins, bud.
I didn't think it was weak, but it did scare me about Eddie doing stand-up because he's so fucking different now.
He's just so here in himself, centered, whatever the fucking word is.
Eddie in the 80s was the biggest personality you've ever seen.
Eddie, 50, whatever, with 10 kids.
Yeah.
Man, comfortable.
Yeah.
So it's just a whole different Eddie.
Yeah.
And it's not, the comedic chops aren't there yet.
I'm not saying he can't get there.
His stand-up chops aren't there yet.
I'm not saying he can't get there.
It's like the Bill Cosby single was Bill Cosby was he had a banger on Bill Cosby.
That's good.
That banged.
But even that was like so consistent.
Here's my theory on that.
And I haven't seen it.
And of course, it's the biggest Schultz thing in the world to make an opinion on something.
I haven't even seen it.
But when you have like SNL nerds that are writing the show, right?
A lot of like the SNL writers, some of them are our friends, like really funny stand-ups, but a lot of them are like fucking like Harvard kids, right?
They've never done stand-up.
They just know how to write the structure of a joke, right?
They're like, they understand the math of a joke, right?
When they're doing the monologue, you have Eddie, who is like a raw, pure, funny person, and now he's doing these lines.
But it was it's almost like him doing uh a late night uh introduction or something like that.
It's not a Eddie go out there and hit some standards.
And of course, real Eddie is not gonna shine through, but you are 100% correct.
That stand-up muscle atrophies, bro.
If you don't water that shit and nurture that shit constantly, and he hasn't nurtured it in 20 fucking 30 years, I hear a lot of people.
It goes away, baby.
I hear you put on that.
There was definitely some times where I heard him just like saying lines that were fed to him, but then he would he would throw some Eddie sauce on it, right?
So like when he did Gumby, when he brought Gumby back for weekend update, you could tell he was doing lines, and then like they kept trying to go back to, all right, thanks, Gumby, yada, yada.
And he just took over the whole thing.
He's like, no, I'm not leaving.
And he kept like fucking doing like extra Eddie shit for like another five minutes.
D-Ray did say that.
You know, D-Ray Davis is a fucking improv.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's so good.
Beast.
And he looked, he was talking about Eddie, and this is old Eddie.
And he was like, that guy can't just go.
Yeah.
Like, he hits non-stop.
He's one of the few people that made me like, I think he said, because he's he too cocky to say it.
He was like, I realize this is how I make other people feel.
Oh, God.
D-Ray ain't cocky about stand-up for no reason.
D-Ray could go.
I like this.
I used to think that, but I D-Ray could build it.
No, no, he's hilarious.
I don't shit on comics.
You know what I'm saying?
But he is absolutely hilarious.
He's like a genuinely talented, funny guy, especially in the moment.
You know what I mean?
When he's just kind of working a crowd, working a moment.
Absolutely hilarious.
I just don't know any D-Ray jokes.
That's what I tease.
So when we see D-Ray at the improv, you see D-Ray fucking with the crowd, whatever, and it's great.
But you're like, there's no jokes.
Look, I saw D-Ray in DC one day.
He and I had done some show together.
And I just pulled up.
I don't even know if I was up to him.
I just want to see the act.
And the motherfucking act was strong.
Really?
And maybe your lives was different, but he talked about his mom was a crackhead.
Man, he had special, man.
I was depressed, dog.
I was like, oh, dude, I've always been wildly impressed with his ability to be funny in the moment.
And you know, I love that shit.
Don't get me wrong.
Like, polished things.
But he had bits out there.
Things, yeah.
Stories.
Yeah.
Because that's something like for me, you know, like we put out so many clips of like these interactions with the crowd that ever happened.
Obviously, I put out the crowd work special and all that kind of stuff like that.
But like, I come from like a joke background.
You know what I mean?
Like I like the pieces.
I like a piece of material that's like five minutes long.
And like, so for me, when I'm judging a stand-up, I'm usually judging them by that.
You know, like, like, even for the hour that I'm putting out, it's like, these are these pieces that like we've worked on and like put together and like ironed out over fucking you know years man.
So like, if you watch d-ray, it's he could go.
But that's the thing.
When I see that i'm like, oh you know, so i'm gonna check out d-ray man, check out Eddie on Sonal man.
There was the last skit.
That wasn't a fucking Eddie does the hits.
It was uh, basically I think it was a.
It was a mass shooting at the ELF.
Oh no, that's one of his hits and he was hilarious.
I tried to do this.
On on uh on uh, brilliant Idiots.
But I, i'm not doing that.
I didn't try to do it.
I was trying to get up the clip that inspired that.
Uh, do you remember Eddie's joke?
And I cost will get this one probably.
I sink this, I sink that shit.
I could come around the corner of my own business.
I just come around the corner of my own.
He had a bit about getting by a car and I think he talked about somebody seeing him get hit by a car.
He goes.
When someone gets hit by a car in the hood, he goes, that's showtime and it's like you go, like you don't come out asking for, okay, you're gonna be, I sink this oh oh, oh.
I sink that, I sink that, and then he does a whole act out dog.
It's like five minutes.
Let's put it up and talk about it right now, Can we?
I mean, shout out to the patient.
Oh, no.
Let's not do that.
They hated that.
But anyway, so they basically folded that bit into a sketch at the end.
And I think they did that because most people are unfamiliar with the bit.
Because I think it's a bit just on his album.
Yeah.
It's on his greatest hit CD.
And like the audio is not even good.
Yeah.
And I think when the guy gets him, when he finally gets to part where Eddie gets hit by a car, hit that man, shot up in the air about 90 feet.
It's good, man.
I think I got said the N-word.
Clip that.
Clip it.
They tried to mute it.
It's all good.
Enjoying Well-Deserved Vacation00:01:37
It's all good.
This sound system is so good.
What if it corrects the N-word for you?
Anyway, y'all.
Kaz, anything popping up?
Anything going on you want the people to know about?
I mean, nothing that anybody could come to.
Well, then check Kaz' Instagram.
He got all his shit there.
You know, Kaz is on every single podcast.
Yeah, I'll be hosting.
New York Times right up.
Yeah, bro.
I was in the New York Times this week.
It was crazy.
I'm hosting a sneaker reveal for Joelle and B and Under Armour.
Oh, sick.
Baltimore, which should be really fucking dope.
Also, doing some stuff with Nike in the future.
Really excited.
Really excited.
Well, look, man, I wish you guys a Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Happy New Year's.
Obviously, you guys know next week we're going to do the best of episodes with Patreon and regular.
Yeah, we love y'all.
We're so appreciative of all this shit.
Sorry.
We'll see you on the Patreon.
Enjoy your vacation, man.
We worked really hard this fucking year.
I remember where we were this time last year and to come here now in the brand new fucking studio.
Alex got a Rolex and a Tesla and instill a turkey.
Akash isn't broke and all tour.
Fats.
Motherfuckers got Cartiers and millions and we're doing this out here, bro.
2020 is going to be bigger and better.
But enjoy the break.
Enjoy the vacation.
Next week's going to be best of shit.
Next best of shit next week.
We'll see you guys on the Patreon again Friday.
But yeah, we could be coming in hot in the new year, man.