In honor of International Women’s Day, we celebrate women by giving them the shortest day of the year and sending them far away into outer space. Elijah also shows you a practical way to completely demoralize any woman in an online battle. You're welcome.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| The coronavirus, we pray that it be dissolved with healing, with healing, with healing. | |
| your cervix, your penis, your vagina, your buttocks, your colon. | |
| Go wash your hands. | |
| Thanks. | |
| The queens are the kings, and without the queen, we cannot move. | |
| Basically, a woman could do what a man does. | |
| Now you have to be like so careful on what you say, because you can be like, oh my god, I'm gonna sue you because you're being this and this and that. | |
| I'm like, you trying to sue me for everything? | |
| Like, take all my money. | |
| What happened to just flipping people off and saying, get lost? | |
| Congratulations, women. | |
| It's your month. | |
| It's International Women's History Month. | |
| And yes, some of you guys are really great, but not all of you. | |
| In fact, some of the worst people that I've met in my entire life have been who? | |
| Yes, girls. | |
| Yet I'm supposed to dedicate an entire month, not only me, of course, but all of us, to celebrating a gender that among other good things you've done for us, such as, I don't know, giving us life, taking care of our needs as children, and cooking us good meals, have also introduced the world to things like sin in the Garden of Eden, and to my atheist homies, don't forget costly premium Snapchats, and something that we all like to forget exists, fat lesbians. | |
| Not to mention that entire week of every single month that makes any sane man in a relationship want to give up on the rest of his life. | |
| Yet big corporations and Hollywood have done enough propping the women in this country up. | |
| So as an original creator, I am here to bring balance to the content force. | |
| I'm going to share with you my theory of how we are going to defeat women. | |
| And as always, welcome back to Slightly Offensive with your favorite Q-Pac, me, Elijah Schaefer. | |
| You might be wondering why we are broadcasting out of a kitchen. | |
| And it's not just because we're talking about women, and this is where you're most likely to find them. | |
| At least the good ones, that is. | |
| We are broadcasting out of our kitchen because we are locked out of our building where our studio is because we were in the same room as a COVID-19 patient. | |
| Yes, I am not sick, but just like women like to do, the entire media has taken something insignificant and small, like this disease, and has dragged it out as long as humanly possible. | |
| They don't seem to forget either, which is very interesting. | |
| So now we're stuck here in my house. | |
| Welcome to Elijah Schaefer's home. | |
| Today we are broadcasting off of my table. | |
| I'm at the head of it, as always, and as all men should be, as we take our right place. | |
| Anyway, we are talking about women. | |
| It's Women's History Month. | |
| It's the best month of the year. | |
| In fact, just a few days ago was International Women's Day. | |
| What's the best part about that is women always complain about being shortchanged in the workplace, but International Women's Day was on the shortest day of the year. | |
| It's on daylight savings, which is only 23 hours technically long because we skip an hour. | |
| So women not only get paid less, allegedly, but now they don't even get a full day. | |
| Damn you, men, why are you ruining all of women and their stuff and their days and special months? | |
| It's like, what are you trying to do? | |
| Treat them like normal human beings like the rest of us? | |
| Ah, don't do that. | |
| Let's give them special privileges. | |
| But before I jump back into that, make sure you know that this podcast is available audio only in the links below. | |
| And as always, please give us a five-star rating on Apple Podcasts or wherever else you watch this or listen. | |
| It really helps us out. | |
| And know that there's always an extended version in the audio. | |
| So those of you that want more of this podcast, you can either watch the extended versions on Blaze TV or you can go ahead and listen to them as well in audio. | |
| On YouTube, we give you the shorter version. | |
| Today we are talking about our favorite topic. | |
| No, not herpes, you sicko. | |
| We're talking about women. | |
| And just like herpes, they're dangerous sometimes. | |
| They pop up when you least expect them. | |
| And they're everywhere. | |
| But of course, I don't really want to compare women to a dangerous disease because everyone's freaked out enough. | |
| I want to let you know that I've been prepared for this outbreak of COVID-19 simply because I grew up with two sisters and a mom and now have a wife. | |
| Spending that much time with women will let you know how to survive in moments of overreaction, fear, and panic. | |
| So for those of you that grew up or live around women, we've been ready for a long time. | |
| So thank you, women. | |
| We interrupt this program for an important message. | |
| Our new merch series, Black, is going to be released soon with hats, shirts, and a sweater released in the only color that we love here, black, which is also the same as my skin tone. | |
| Now back to the program. | |
| Sorry about that. | |
| I just want to let you guys know that we have new merch coming, and I'm really excited. | |
| It's going to be launched soon. | |
| We'll let you know. | |
| We kind of really haven't had merch for a while, so this is a big deal. | |
| But today we're going to talk about the crazy new gender-neutral world and how we're going to defeat it. | |
| We did that, of course, by looking up some articles as we always do, but we actually went out in the streets to talk to some students at a local college, one of the few that isn't shut down. | |
| That's what sets this podcast apart. | |
| We actually go out and get our own original footage. | |
| Anyways, welcome to Clown World. | |
| This is a great segment always, where we look at how crazy the world is. | |
| And what better way to segment ourselves in to the imaginary, fictitious world of perfection than by the new announcement that the Space Force, which is the newest branch of the U.S. military, is seeking to be gender neutral. | |
| Now, before you complain, remember, there's no sound in space. | |
| So if we're going to choose any place in the military to send all the women, hey, if I can't hear you, I can't see you either. | |
| And that's to be said. | |
| But realistically speaking, this is a true article. | |
| It comes from Politico. | |
| And it says, Space Force leaders have a quest for a gender neutral force. | |
| The Space Force has made its first two hires and both are women. | |
| A move that officials say shows the new branch is making sure it is a gender neutral from its very beginnings, right? | |
| Because that's the importance of every military is to make sure that there's not enough men in it. | |
| Because historically speaking, men, it's not like men are responsible for winning every single war. | |
| But then again, as the woman would say, they've also been responsible for every lost war, too. | |
| The push to be more welcoming to women is one part of the Space Force's larger effort to build a service that's more reflective of a 21st century workplace, including keeping gendered terms out of the service's culture and offering more flexible policies to enter and exit the service over the course of a career. | |
| So I know that all of you guys have been wondering, what better way to transform the country of the United States of America than to make the military like a U.S. office place? | |
| Because what is more miserable and terrible than a U.S. office workplace? | |
| I mean, gosh dang it. | |
| Why would women, first of all, want to go into space, one of the coldest environments in the entire solar system? | |
| But I'm also alone in this matter because it looks like tech corporations, politicians, and Hollywood are completely about transforming the world so that it's made good for only women. | |
| I mean, check this out. | |
| Twitter itself let men know on International Women's Day that it is not for us. | |
| Not today, men, they said. | |
| Not today. | |
| It's not our day, okay? | |
| Not to mention, there's, I mentioned earlier, but there are seven days at least of every month that's not our week. | |
| Gosh dang it, women. | |
| You've already robbed enough of our life of peace and quiet. | |
| Can you give us back at least something? | |
| No, you can't. | |
| We'll take an entire day. | |
| But the thing is, it's not just him that people talk about because this is where as women, you go, why am I watching this as a woman? | |
| International Women's Day is not just about women. | |
| It's actually more about queer women, about black women. | |
| And we know that because are none other than Representative Ilhan Omar, you might know her. | |
| She's a great person that's letting you know that it was a good idea to start putting Muslims into office. | |
| And for some of you guys that go, oh, that's an Islamophobic quote, you meant that sarcastically. | |
| You shut up, bigot. | |
| I didn't say that sarcastically. | |
| I meant Rashida Talib and Ilhan Omar are clearly some of the most outstanding and upstanding people in the country. | |
| And that's no sign that it was a danger to put Islamic people in Congress. | |
| I mean, look at the great work they're doing, such as this quote, which says, not only to respect women, but respect black women, believe black women, and elect black women. | |
| Women are letting you know that they're so wise that the best way to move our country forward is not just through a female-only space force, but it's also by selecting women by their skin color. | |
| Point being that black women will run the country better than white women. | |
| So white women, you're going to find that we're slowly going to be marched out of this as well. | |
| And that's why I don't identify as a white woman. | |
| I choose the best way. | |
| But the future is for people like me. | |
| Black women are moving ahead. | |
| I mean, look at that. | |
| There are no black women in prison. | |
| There are no black women that commit crimes. | |
| There are no nasty black women. | |
| It's just about electing women. | |
| And that's the psychoness of what's happening. | |
| People care so much about gender and they care so much about race that they don't care about the actual outcomes. | |
| It's about having equal opportunity. | |
| No, it's about having equal outcomes. | |
| But I'm not alone on this. | |
| It's not just Representative Ilhan Omar. | |
| In fact, they also are letting you know the real reason why you should vote for socialism. | |
| So it doesn't matter if capitalism is working for us. | |
| Kate Willette, which is the sister of Andrew Gillette, the Shaver company. | |
| And Kate Willette's last name is actually the nickname that we give to PragerU's host, Will Witt. | |
| We call him a Willette because I've met Wills that are big. | |
| In fact, sometimes when people die, they have great wills with a lot of inheritance. | |
| That's a physical will. | |
| And then there are people named Will, right? | |
| And then there are Willettes, or as we call them, Will Wits, which are miniature versions of Wills. | |
| And unlike the large version, there are many in all shapes and sizes, but big where it counts. | |
| So we'll give them that. | |
| Anyways, it's so funny. | |
| I know, right? | |
| For a guy that's Will Witt's size, his videos are three minutes long. | |
| It's like a short guy, short videos. | |
| That should have been the tagline for PragerU. | |
| But Kate Willette, who's verified, said, you can still support a woman in this election. | |
| You can support a woman who is drowning in student loan debt. | |
| You can support a woman who can't afford childcare. | |
| You can support a woman whose life depends on access to insulin. | |
| You can't do any of this by voting for Joe Biden. | |
| So yes, what we're learning about now is it's not just about getting women in the military, but also you need to vote for socialism because socialism allows for women to not have to work for their money. | |
| In fact, it's not only just their money they don't have to work for, but you get to work for them. | |
| Now, I love paying for my woman. | |
| I love it. | |
| She's a trad wife. | |
| She's amazing. | |
| She's beautiful. | |
| She's a stay-at-home wife. | |
| She doesn't work. | |
| She makes YouTube videos. | |
| I mean, so do I. | |
| So I don't know if that counts as work either. | |
| But hey, I get paid for it, so it makes sense. | |
| But I don't mind paying for a woman. | |
| I don't want to pay for other people's women because in fact, a lot of women spend out of control. | |
| And if you know about this, pretty much one out of every two women you meet is an absolute literal psychopath. | |
| But who am I to say about this? | |
| I wanted to go ahead and talk to students at a local college to find out about their thoughts about International Women's Day. | |
| And I did this at a great college called Harvard on the Hill, also known as Rio Hondo Junior College. | |
| And if you guys don't know, thanks to you guys buying our merch and supporting Blaze, remember, if you use the code Elijah at blazetv.com, the links in the description, you get $10 off of your subscription. | |
| And guys, you always ask how to support this show. | |
| This podcast, our interviews, our street interviews, our trips, everything's gotten better since the Blaze has gotten behind us. | |
| And because people like you support the Blaze, it directly supports us. | |
| And it really helps us to get things accomplished. | |
| And you also support us. | |
| You also support great people like Crowder and Lauren Chen and Allie B. Stuckey and John Miller and the like. | |
| Anyway, our new reporter is out in the streets. | |
| We had a new correspondent. | |
| Budget's increased. | |
| So Elijah Schaefer. | |
| Yeah, thank you, Elijah. | |
| Hey, great wardrobe choice. | |
| I know that in order to save money on the show, since we have a new correspondent, we're all wearing the same thing on set. | |
| It's just cheaper to buy in bulk. | |
| But anyways, like minds think greatly. | |
| Take it away. | |
| Yeah, thanks for still hiring us. | |
| I know that the economy's down because of COVID-19, but thanks that you guys still have the budget to afford a correspondent like myself. | |
| Anyway, due to COVID-19 responses, most universities in Los Angeles are kind of shut down. | |
| So we're here at the one that isn't, which is Rio Hondo College in Whittier. | |
| And we have come to bring the conversation about Women's History Month into the streets, or in this case, into the campus. | |
| Let's find out what the students have to say. | |
| Did you know it was Women's History Month? | |
| No, I did not, actually. | |
| Are you aware that it's International Women's History Month? | |
| Yes, I'm very aware. | |
| That's just like a social construct. | |
| So every day, you know, should be like Women's Month. | |
| What do you think about the fact that International Women's Day is on daylight savings time? | |
| So they put it on the shortest day of the year. | |
| I don't think that's a full appreciation about it because kind of like it's supposed to be a full day of appreciation. | |
| Why 23 hours doesn't necessarily validate it at all? | |
| Did you know that International Women's Day is on Daylight Savings Day, which means that it's only 23 hours instead of 24, so they chose the shortest day of the year for International Women's Day? | |
| What are your thoughts? | |
| Why do we have to think that way? | |
| What do you think? | |
| That's kind of unfair, but I guess women are used to it. | |
| Why do you say women are used to it? | |
| Because they just don't think we could do everything everyone else does. | |
| I guess we're not strong enough. | |
| I get that. | |
| Women are like very important. | |
| Not only do they give life to people, but I think they like hold like not responsible, but very, very like important roles in life. | |
| The queens are the kings, and without the queen, we cannot move. | |
| Basically, a woman can do what a man does. | |
| Like, I agree, like, you know, like people make it seem like guys can do more things than girls, but it's not true, you know? | |
| We do more harder things than guys do. | |
| We give birth, and that's harder, you know? | |
| And guys have always gotten paid a lot more than girls, and like certain jobs girls can't get because people think that only a guy can do it, but in reality, a girl can do it too. | |
| What jobs? | |
| Like in like in factories, like some people want to hire women doing certain things, like doing the forklift because we're girls, because they think we can't handle it, but really we can. | |
| What are you trying to accomplish in your own personal life? | |
| I'm trying to be a child development, and I'm also doing sociology. | |
| And I want to be a social worker helping kids in the system. | |
| So you know that those on average, if you're going to work in the system and you're going to work in sociology, are not the highest paying positions. | |
| You know that, right? | |
| Yes. | |
| And do you know that? | |
| So that sometimes with the issues with college, sometimes the men make more money because they end up choosing degrees. | |
| They saturate the fields like engineering and biology and chemistry and they end up saturating the fields. | |
| So on average, the degrees that they earn tend to earn more money because the guys tend to go after different traits than women. | |
| Do you feel that while we hear a lot about helping women get ahead, helping women raise wages, we hear a lot about that in society? | |
| There's a focus on women. | |
| Meanwhile, men are disproportionately affected by poverty. | |
| They disproportionately are the populations of prisons. | |
| They are the most likely to commit suicide, most likely to die on the workforce. | |
| So there's a lot of negative statistics that affect men. | |
| Why do you feel like we don't hear about helping men in the areas of their weakness, but we hear a lot about helping women in the areas of weaknesses? | |
| Because like what I said, they don't see that men have weaknesses. | |
| They just assume that they should be strong. | |
| Us men, do you think that we can pretty much take care of ourselves and do what's necessary? | |
| Well, as women, they are automatically given the role of being weak. | |
| Everyone in the world just automatically thinks that. | |
| Because when you think about my dog, my dad is strong. | |
| My dad is strong. | |
| He could do anything. | |
| And you think about your mom, you're like, oh, I need to help my mom all the time, right? | |
| Because you need to help her with everything in the house. | |
| So you just automatically think my mom needs help, but you don't think your dad needs help. | |
| Because you're like, my dad's got this. | |
| My dad could do it. | |
| My dad's strong. | |
| What's the point of having a woman's history month and looking at the history of a gender? | |
| Well, to emphasize the importance of either like a side that wants to be represented because, you know, of X, Y, Z. | |
| Yeah, but like half the world is women. | |
| I don't think people don't know that they're a part of history. | |
| Have you ever heard anything about mansplaining or male privilege or any of these things in society? | |
| Have you heard about that before? | |
| It's just retarded. | |
| It's another tool for men not to be more masculine. | |
| It's so degrading. | |
| I'm asking myself, why am I? | |
| I wish I was living other times, you know, because this time it just sucks because you can't do anything as a man. | |
| The thing is just like, oh, he's trying to rape me. | |
| That's hurting other men because you're trying to make other men be more feminine. | |
| Didn't you say, like, kind of men and women are made for each other to balance each other out? | |
| Like, there's a definite balance. | |
| No, but then it just depends on who you love. | |
| And you want to say that? | |
| Because, yeah, then people are going to get offended and be like, oh, my God, you're saying that. | |
| Only it could be girl and guy. | |
| Like, no, do we care about if people are offended, though? | |
| When did we, when did we come into a culture where we cared? | |
| It's like. | |
| Now you have to be like so careful on what you say because you can be like, oh my God, I'm going to sue you because you're being this and this and that. | |
| I'm like, you're trying to sue me for everything? | |
| Like, take all my money. | |
| What happened to just flipping people off and saying, get lost? | |
| That's being rude. | |
| People are so sensitive nowadays. | |
| And it pisses me off because I come from a sarcastic family. | |
| So when you say something, my sarcastic ass is going to say something. | |
| But now I have to be like, oh my God, you're going to be a little baby about it. | |
| I got to relax. | |
| But usually I'm just like such a smart ass. | |
| Thank you, ladies, very much. | |
| Well, actually, it's coronavirus, so we're not going to shake hands. | |
| There you go. | |
| Coronavirus season. | |
| I really appreciate it. | |
| We're not shaking hands because of the COVID-19. | |
| We're into elbow bumps because of COVID-19. | |
| Awesome, girls. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Have a good one. | |
| Or if that's your pronouns, you go by. | |
| I'm just kidding. | |
| Have a good one. | |
| That's some great stuff. | |
| Well, guys, we're going to go back to Elijah in the studio right now. | |
| He's there. | |
| Thank you, Elijah. | |
| I'm really appreciative of that report. | |
| I'm glad to know that while we've been on voluntary lockdown by suggestion of the Public Health Administration here in California, that we didn't go outside to get the interviews and we sent somebody else out there who, by the way, didn't shake anybody else's hand. | |
| So that was really good. | |
| We're really preparing for the future. | |
| But anyway, I really liked those interviews. | |
| I like them for two reasons. | |
| Number one, because people at junior colleges are not as smug as people at, let's say, USC. | |
| And we're going to find out soon enough that there's people out there who feel like they're better than you because they go to a school by the name of Columbia. | |
| As if it's like, cool, because you go to a university and got your PhD in Star Trek theory. | |
| Okay. | |
| I don't care about you, Clarissa. | |
| You know who I'm talking about. | |
| But before I teach you how to decimate the life of a woman using their own minds against them and destroying their entire self-worth so that they cry and break on the inside, but you hold no responsibility and there's no way to trace their entire self-destruction back to you, which is a really awesome thing. | |
| You should thank me for. | |
| And women too, because there's a lot of nasty women that we need to destroy. | |
| I'm going to let you know that if you love what we do and you support the show, please consider signing up at Blazetv.com where you get extended versions of this podcast, street interviews before they pop out on our YouTube channel, as well as bonus content. | |
| You get $10 off using the code Elijah. | |
| It supports us for all of our travels, our studio, our podcast, my producer, myself, and we even help a lot of other creators as well. | |
| It's an amazing time, and I'm really appreciative of it. | |
| So check that out in the links below. | |
| But anyway, those interviews were fantastic. | |
| And now I need to get into this truthful segment called Psychological Warfare, where we are going to get into the culture war of how to destroy somebody using their own tactics. | |
| And I had this great idea. | |
| I thought, how do we defeat women? | |
| This is the culmination. | |
| These are the fireworks. | |
| All right? | |
| They're everywhere. | |
| You see them? | |
| Yes. | |
| Okay. | |
| And I'm not just talking about the fireworks in your pants sometimes, boys, when women come around. | |
| I'm talking about what's better than a woman coming around you, coming onto you. | |
| It's destroying her internal psyche so that she implodes, right? | |
| It's true. | |
| Because you can sleep with a woman and then she has power over you. | |
| But if you cause her to self-destruct and she has no way to blame you, then you, my friend, are a winner. | |
| Today's closing segment is about my interaction with how we win women online. | |
| So we have women haters, right? | |
| I get haters all the time. | |
| They write me wonderful things like call me an effing loser. | |
| Or one guy even told me I'm a disgrace to all people named Elijah, which isn't even inaccurate. | |
| I say they write mean things, not necessarily untrue, just mean. | |
| But one thing that I noticed that was weird was that with men, you can ignore them, but with women, you can't. | |
| When women write you mean things, you have two options. | |
| You either don't respond and they think they won, because women are sick like that. | |
| They'll be like, aha, he didn't respond. | |
| I got him. | |
| I beat him. | |
| And you've got to somehow let her know that she didn't win. | |
| But everyone knows that if you respond to a woman while she's angry, you can't win. | |
| So it's a catch-22, guys. | |
| We are always in the doghouse when we're trying to defeat women. | |
| Because also, if I'm ever mean back to one of those women and make fun of them or laugh at them, then I'm going to get suspended or denied or lose my verification or just lose credibility for beating up a woman online. | |
| So I thought, rather than trying to defeat just a woman, how do we defeat all women? | |
| And I'm going to tell that we wage their physical profiles, their bodies against them by saying nothing. | |
| So for this completely unnecessary and absolutely ridiculous segment, please share this with your friends and family viewer discretion as advised. | |
| And for a lack of doxing purposes, we will call this woman a creative name. | |
| We're calling her woman. | |
| And woman will probably have her eyes blurred out or something so that we can't tell who she is. | |
| Anyways, I got this great message from woman, and it says, why do you seem like a turd of a human being? | |
| Which is an interesting statement. | |
| I could A, reply to her something like this, which I did. | |
| And I said, you and my ex would get along. | |
| Which is something that, you know, I'd give it a D in terms of response. | |
| And then she says, just calling it like I see it, because like most women, she can't leave it alone. | |
| She has to keep responding. | |
| So I realized I was in a choice here. | |
| I either admitted defeat and I kept going because my joke fell flat or I destroy this person's life. | |
| And so I did what any good Christian man would do. | |
| I chose the latter. | |
| I decided that I would try a new theory of mine, that a woman's most biggest enemy is the complexion and the image of her own face. | |
| When she looks in the mirror, she's most defeated by herself. | |
| So what I did is I screen capped, screenshotted her profile picture, and then I went ahead and I cropped it in a really terrible crop down to a pixelated form. | |
| And I just wrote this, not offended. | |
| Now, at this point, she thinks, I mean, I'm not offended by her because I think that she's ugly or something like that, which I didn't say, and I actually don't think. | |
| Now, I don't think she's an ugly girl. | |
| But she wrote to me back because women always have to respond. | |
| And she said, it's not like you're anything special. | |
| Also, Caitlin Bennett deserves all the hate that she gets. | |
| Girl is a moron. | |
| And the war is on. | |
| She has now screenshotted my picture, which by the way is much higher resolution because I actually had these pictures taken by force by Blaze TV. | |
| This is not like, these are my network pictures. | |
| I don't really get to choose these. | |
| Said, Lameo, right? | |
| Laugh my ASS off when he thinks he's hot. | |
| So she's assuming that I think she's ugly and that I have this picture up for any other reason other than the fact that the studio has made this my show art and it's across my platforms simply because it has to be cohesive. | |
| So now we've baited her. | |
| She's in such a vulnerable place and we've done nothing, okay? | |
| We are innocent. | |
| Our hands are clean. | |
| We told Pharaoh that the angel of death was coming over and to please put the blood on your on your doorposts and then your firstborn son wouldn't die. | |
| But they didn't listen. | |
| Pharaoh ignored our warning and they fell right into our trap. | |
| And so we came for the firstborn. | |
| So what I did is I started this new thing where not only do you have the picture, but every time they respond to you, you just zoom in a little more. | |
| And I zoomed in more. | |
| And then she wrote back. | |
| Woman wrote back. | |
| Lol, you can say I'm ugly, but I don't give an F-U-C-K because I do fine for myself and you're still a dip shit with another picture of me. | |
| A different picture, by the way, a different picture, which is from my personal Facebook. | |
| Before we go on here, she now thinks that I'm calling her ugly, which I know she thinks I'm saying. | |
| But I'm not saying that. | |
| And I don't mean that, which is the best way to get into a woman's mind, is to say nothing, get her to think you're saying something, and for her to have an argument in her own head with you thinking that she is winning something that you never said. | |
| This is how you destroy the circuit board of a female. | |
| And I'm really proud of this. | |
| Not to mention, she's sending pictures of myself. | |
| And so after sending another picture, she's gone up to level two here. | |
| She's gone to another page that I didn't message her off of to find a picture of me. | |
| Let's move on. | |
| Now she says, I'm dead. | |
| And she found, again, this is the worst picture of me online. | |
| My ex-girlfriend took this of me, so it's ironic. | |
| It's on Google. | |
| Everyone uses it. | |
| It's a terrible picture. | |
| Not only have I told people this picture looks like Ryan Gosling with Down syndrome, which is true. | |
| And a few of you said you can't unsee it. | |
| She starts going on personal attacks, saying, vanilla-looking mother effer, I'm so dead. | |
| You look like a P-O-D-O file. | |
| Lol. | |
| Or a 40-year-old virgin. | |
| Okay, fine. | |
| Old men have wisdom. | |
| Thanks for telling me I was wise and I didn't sleep with hoes like you. | |
| No, that's not what I said. | |
| I did this. | |
| Yeah, that's what I did. | |
| I zoomed into her picture a little more. | |
| And also, she was not wrong. | |
| I am a vanilla-looking person. | |
| If I put on a hat, I look like I'm going to go to war. | |
| If I take my hat off, I just look like I might go to a vegan restaurant. | |
| I don't know. | |
| A lot of you have said things. | |
| And she says, lull at me. | |
| Like she laughs at herself, zooms in this picture where I have a nose hair, which makes the, it does make it even worse. | |
| She's not wrong. | |
| Okay, she is doing. | |
| She says, invest in a nose hair trimmer, which is like not a bad statement, which I did actually. | |
| And I have a nose hair trimmer and I invested in it about a few months after this. | |
| So women do have intuition, and I will give her that. | |
| But after the personal attack, I zoomed in more into the pixels. | |
| Then she zoomed in a little more into my nose hair. | |
| And this is where you know you start to win. | |
| She could have won. | |
| Woman, don't you know when to give up? | |
| You could have won. | |
| But not only did you go to another profile, now you went to Amazon bestsellers. | |
| She found a best known hair trimmer, which is like, you did the work for me. | |
| Thanks. | |
| That's what women were made for. | |
| They're helpers. | |
| You're helping me. | |
| You're doing your job as a woman. | |
| You were made to help men and you're finding out I have a hygiene problem and a physical problem and you're trying to help me to fix that. | |
| That's what like basically God created women to do so that men don't smell me, like take showers and wash our clothes. | |
| Like you're really playing the role of a good wife here. | |
| So it's like, how is that insulting that she's providing me a link? | |
| I don't have to research it. | |
| She goes, some people give off, I think BDE stands for big DICK inner energy, like Rihanna or The Rock, as if Rihanna's, I didn't even know Rihanna has a penis, but hey, you learn something new every day. | |
| But you give off serious micro-penis energy vibes, which is also not untrue. | |
| She says, micro pen vibes for the wind should be added to your bile, which, to be honest, micro-penis is even attributing too much. | |
| My penis is about the size of Will Witt, so nearly invisible. | |
| That's two Will Witt burns for today, and that's not enough for my books. | |
| He's going to be in our studio next week, so we'll have some stuff planned there. | |
| So I've zoomed in. | |
| Now, as you see, this is, I zoomed in at four pixels. | |
| If you really see the high resolution of your own picture, there's about four pixels here approximately. | |
| She responds, still give off micro-penis vibes. | |
| Now I'm down to the last pixel, down to the last pixel. | |
| And guess what, guys? | |
| Guess what? | |
| I defeated her for the first time. | |
| She got so self-conscious about that profile picture that day. | |
| She changed it to a sexier picture, which you can't see her face though. | |
| She's a good looking girl, though. | |
| I'll give her that. | |
| She's an attractive woman. | |
| Well, at least from this angle, looks good when like downs zoomed down. | |
| I don't want to attack women's appearances, but she's a fine-looking woman. | |
| She made it to where she would look her best, which means that I had destroyed her profile picture. | |
| So as a typical woman, she doesn't realize I'm a guy. | |
| I'm under her skin. | |
| I'm going to make it worse, which is what I do best. | |
| So I zoomed back into her picture and started it again. | |
| And she said, yeah, I have a nice AAA. | |
| Okay, so you have roadside assistance. | |
| Thanks. | |
| I do too. | |
| It's $19 a month. | |
| I think she meant to say ASS. | |
| I have a nice ASS. | |
| What's your point? | |
| What's your point, dude? | |
| Hey, what's your damn point? | |
| I'll tell you what it is. | |
| It's zooming into your picture a little more to get into your head to destroy your existence. | |
| All right, so this is where it gets personal. | |
| It's going to get personal here. | |
| So then she sends me a picture of my wife, or me holding my wife, who's very beautiful. | |
| And I'm not going to read, or no, hold up. | |
| I'll read this one. | |
| I'm not going to read the next one because I don't want to, I don't, I don't like people saying mean things to women, which is what I don't do. | |
| She said, your wife could stand to lose a little weight. | |
| And she means by like a little bit of like, a little bit above a little bit of weight sticking over her pants, which is like, she's bending over. | |
| My wife is a very thin girl. | |
| So now this woman is attacking other women, which makes her one of the worst people in the country. | |
| This is one of the worst human beings that I've ever met in my life. | |
| She's looking at other women and making fun of their weight. | |
| Wow. | |
| What a despicable, terrible human being. | |
| I really feel bad for them. | |
| She probably is a Trump supporter, to be honest. | |
| And then she says these terrible things about my wife attacking other parts of her appearance, trying to get under her insecurities. | |
| Liberal women are the worst. | |
| I'm just kidding. | |
| She's not a Trump supporter. | |
| She's clearly a liberal woman. | |
| She goes to Columbia. | |
| And then she says, has your wife considered rhinoplasty? | |
| She says, my wife should get plastic surgery. | |
| So now she's saying, I have an ugly wife. | |
| And so you know what I did? | |
| I zoomed into her picture a little bit more and I sent it to her. | |
| And then she said, I'm still hotter than your wife. | |
| And guess what I did? | |
| I zoomed in further. | |
| And then she gave up. | |
| No, I'm just kidding. | |
| She didn't give up. | |
| She started going this. | |
| She said, Lol, still dumb, some dumb Trump supporter. | |
| Did you go to college? | |
| Guessing not. | |
| Like, you're like, look, I have need a nose trimmer while my wife's ugly and I didn't go to college. | |
| Man, you're arguing with zoomed in pictures of your own profile. | |
| Like, I'm the dumb one. | |
| You're arguing with your own profile picture. | |
| She goes, couldn't find it on the internet. | |
| If it's not on the internet, it's not true. | |
| That's actually a statement. | |
| So I'm going to assume not. | |
| But your wife's a dip shit like you. | |
| I'm going to find her and harass the shit out of her. | |
| This woman is going to go find my wife and harass her. | |
| And so as any man who's going to defend my wife and stand up to a crazy woman, I did what any strong man would do. | |
| I pinched her profile picture in a little bit more and I zoomed in. | |
| And if you think this is going longer than it should, I hope it is. | |
| I hope we're dragging this out. | |
| So then she threatens me. | |
| After threatening to harass my wife, she says, you really should be on private on Facebook, going through your friends as we speak. | |
| My friends? | |
| I don't even like like anybody on Facebook. | |
| It's like, who's my friend? | |
| Like the only people on there, like my grandma and stuff. | |
| You could like send my grandma. | |
| I love my grandma. | |
| And if you send her pictures of me naked, you're the pervert. | |
| Like I don't know where you would find them, but even if you had like a compromising picture of myself, enjoy like that's weird. | |
| Why are you saying naked pictures to old women? | |
| You know, like what are they going to say? | |
| So I zoomed in a little more. | |
| Now as we go down, she starts getting defeated. | |
| She's out of breath. | |
| She's losing. | |
| She's melting under the sun. | |
| She's like the wicked witch under the house as it fell in Oz. | |
| And she says, you're pretty boring. | |
| I can't believe you have a wife, to be honest. | |
| I thought you were gay. | |
| Oh, yeah, that's a real original comment. | |
| Never seen one of those on my videos. | |
| You're like, what? | |
| Two years too late to my channel? | |
| But welcome to the club. | |
| She says, also, you don't have a LinkedIn further supports you didn't go to college. | |
| Yeah, I'm sorry that I make a good living working a job that everybody else would want to do, and I'm not busy like faxing papers in an office like you're going to do, spending $52,000 a year to go to a college that probably only lets you in because they needed to allow a certain amount of women in. | |
| Okay, I'm just saying, let's just be real here. | |
| But I didn't say that. | |
| I just, well, I zoomed in to her picture a little more. | |
| And so then she said, ugly white guy alert, which is like, dude, do you not guys don't care if we're ugly? | |
| Like, we don't get women because we're hot. | |
| We get women because we make money and we have a good sense of humor. | |
| Something that this woman clearly doesn't have either of. | |
| And I'm not talking about the hotness. | |
| Maybe I was. | |
| I don't know. | |
| So I zoomed in a little more. | |
| And as we know, on that day, she saw the picture. | |
| She never wrote back. | |
| She exhausted herself. | |
| And I believe that somewhere in this world, there was a funeral held for the ego of this one last woman. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, I was able to defeat a nasty, vile, and degrading woman without saying anything. | |
| I didn't say a word. | |
| I just showed the woman her face. | |
| And there's nothing a woman hates more than her own complexion, than seeing the own imperfections that make her insecure every day. | |
| Am I evil? | |
| Maybe. | |
| Am I the worst person in the world? | |
| Not necessarily, but possibly. | |
| But I will tell you for sure what I am. | |
| A winner. | |
| Thank you guys so much for watching another episode of Slightly Offensive, as always, with your favorite queer person of color, me, Elijah Schaefer. | |
| We are here to defeat everybody, including the left, the mob, and now women. | |
| Have a great rest of the day, as always, and may God bless the United States of America. |