Tim sits down with comedian Mike Recine about Lizzo calling it quits, the unreality of online, the border, Gen-Z doing trade jobs, old-fashioned cooking, call centers and Boston Market.
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time
Text
Hilarious New Special00:14:37
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
Mike Racine is with us.
He has a really hilarious new special on the Out for Smokes YouTube channel, his podcast, Out for Smokes 2.
Go and subscribe to that and listen to it.
It's very funny.
He does it with two really funny guys, Scott Chaplin and Sean.
I always forget his last name.
McCarthy.
McCarthy.
I like him a lot.
Is he back on Twitter?
Yeah.
Remember when they got rid of him?
Yeah.
But he's back.
He's back.
He's a great follow.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a lot of fun.
Yeah, Richie Torres was tweeting about him, the United States Congressperson.
Oh, interesting.
Yeah.
Who's that again?
I think he represents the Bronx.
Okay.
Yeah.
And he represents Israel.
He goes very hard for Israel.
He's one of these guys.
Richie Will Torres.
You would make sense.
Torres.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because his family for many generations, the Torres family.
Yeah, yeah.
From Israel.
Yeah.
And so he was, he was getting into it with Sean McCarthy.
Yeah.
Sean tweeted something about the hostages.
Sure.
And then when they did the release, and then Richie Torres goes, wow, look at this.
An account that hates me is fantasizing about raping a teenager about Sean.
There was nothing.
Can we say that?
I know it's the first 10 minutes.
It's fine.
I mean, we've kind of given up on the idea of.
Some of them get the green dollar.
Some of them get the other dollar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They hide some of them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some of them don't.
Yeah.
Float to the top of the algorithm.
I was trying to look at my YouTube monetization the other night.
I couldn't find how much money I was being paid for looking through the whole thing.
Yeah.
It's arbitrary in the sense that like there's episodes that you'd figure wouldn't get the money, but they do.
And then there's ones where you go ahead and say anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then those don't.
They like it being arbitrary because that's where the fear is.
Sure.
Because if you knew what you could and couldn't do, there's no fun in that for them.
They want you to just kind of be afraid.
They probably like having that power to take somebody's channel away.
It's why a dictator just will do random raids.
I don't want you to know why we knocked down your door and dragged you out.
Yeah.
You're like, I've never seen a guy get eaten by sharks before.
You got to keep it fun.
What does that look like?
Yeah, you got to keep it fun.
Yeah, you got to keep it fun.
They just drag people out every now and then.
That's really what it is.
YouTube just opening the door.
Your family's all there, and they drag you out in front of everybody and question you in the middle of the night.
That's what it is.
And then you go, I don't, I don't know.
And people act like they wouldn't do that if they didn't have the power.
That's correct.
The Chapo guys would do it.
Everybody would do it.
They could.
All of those people would do it.
Absolutely.
It's hard when you get that kind because the tech people have more power than anyone's ever had.
Because they know what you're searching for.
They know your thoughts, your dreams, your fears, what keeps you up at night.
They have all of that info.
They use that against you.
They can market everything to you in real time.
You talk about something.
The next day you get an ad for it.
They know.
One day they just go, what if we barbecued Tim Dylan?
Yeah.
No, someone somewhere I'm sure has brought up, like, why don't we just shut him off?
Just shut it off.
And then someone else is like, well, my kids like him.
You know, it's like.
My 13-year-old daughter listens to him.
She loves him.
She's a cutter and really likes him.
And she's watched him and Rogan and Alex Jones.
That Sandy Hook doc really doesn't do Alex Jones any favors, huh?
It is tough when you watch that Sandy Hook doc.
You're like, that was clear.
Wasn't he making like a million dollars a day to say that Sandy Hook was fake?
I know.
I mean, who wouldn't?
Yeah, it is impressive monetarily.
Yeah.
But it is.
How did he even figure that out?
If I say Sandy Hook was fake, and people piss on those kids' graves, I'll make a million dollars a day.
They showed on the documentary every time he said it.
Yeah.
He made like a bunch of money.
Like, no, like every time they have like the analytics.
So it's like every time he would say like, Sandy Oak is fake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
People would buy his iodine supplement or something.
Right.
They'd buy like the colloidal silver.
Right, right, right.
So the supplement is.
It takes work to set all that up.
I mean, that's, I mean, that's business, baby.
Yeah.
It's just all we have is the Patreon on our show.
All we have is talking shit and we get the Patreon and then every now and then YouTube blesses us and we have some ads.
Yeah.
But we don't, we, we don't have that type of tech.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, my headphones broke, so I, so I needed to buy a new pair of headphones.
But I said to my wife, I said, I'm going to buy you a new, I'll take yours and I'll buy you a new pair of headphones.
And I said, you can pick them up today at Best Buy.
It felt so good.
I'd buy my wife.
Yeah, but $100 pair of headphones.
That's right.
What if I was making a million dollars a day because I said Sandy Oak was fake?
Listen, I'm not.
She'd be so happy.
And she deserves it.
My sailboat's fucked up.
How about this?
You get a new boat.
Get the new boat.
I'll take your boat.
Take the old one.
Yeah, I mean, I was just watching it and it is tough because obviously the family went through a lot.
It's unimaginable grief that they're going through.
If my kid got killed and someone pissed on his grave, I would.
I would work it out with Alex Jones over the phone.
I'd say, give me two on your grand and we'll call it even.
You know what I mean?
We'll adopt somebody.
There was probably one family member who said, listen, why don't you just give me money directly?
Yeah.
Just give.
Were they doing that?
Were they pissing on the graves?
People were.
Yeah.
Oh, my.
Which is like, okay, if the shooting's fake, then what?
And it's not even a grave.
It's not a grave.
No, it's, it's the, oh, it's not good.
Yeah.
But here's the thing.
He's always been lovely to me.
Sure.
Yeah.
This is not.
Anna and Dasha like him.
It's very tough because he's like a very warm and caring man to me.
But I understand that this was a not good thing.
Yeah.
I'm not like that guy who thinks this was good.
Well, you got to make a few enemies.
There's going to be a few people that aren't in love with you.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, that wasn't.
But he says like he's like, well, I was drinking and I was kind of out of it.
Yeah.
And I was delusional and stuff.
But they were very good at making that money, though.
Sure.
Somebody was running a, somebody was running the board.
Yeah.
Somebody knew what was going on.
Well, you're not making money off YouTube.
So how do you gonna, I mean, you gotta pay your bills.
You gotta feed your family.
It's a great point.
You know?
It's a great point.
What do you do?
Sell t-shirts?
What's the best merch for you?
For me, probably the hoodie.
Yeah.
Good, good margins on that.
The hoodie, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, they're decent.
We don't do a ton of merch.
We do some.
Good enough.
Yeah, yeah.
But we're not like, it's not like.
You're not like Ian Fidance.
Does he do a lot of merch?
He's got like 30 different t-shirts, I think.
Oh, yeah.
No, we just had like a few.
They sold well.
Yeah.
But I'm not a fashion designer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I've never been a fan of like, I don't know, like doing a shirt a week or something.
Yeah.
Right, right, right.
Where it's like you say something and then you're like.
I did that.
I thought I picked a cool little design for our show.
And then people were like, you guys don't know your audience at all.
This fucking sucks.
Right.
Because we don't know how to design things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I put out something.
The fake business was great.
Everyone loved that with the Enron logo.
But then we put out stuff and people were like, I thought this would be a lot better.
I'm like, why?
Yeah.
Why would you think that?
Yeah.
What is that based on?
My other line of clothing?
What am I?
A seven-year-old in Vietnam on Fiverr.
What do you guys want me to do?
Do you believe this Lizzo thing where she's out for good?
No, I don't think so.
I don't know much about it.
She's quitting because she says, I've had enough of people.
She goes, I'm getting tired of putting up with being dragged by everyone in my life and on the internet.
And then look at all these celebrities that are like, oh, just stay strong, girl.
Bravo Andy's like, stay so I can put you in a reality show and you can kill yourself.
Yeah.
Andy Cohen puts people in reality shows where they there's multiple people who've just committed suicide.
He would treat her like Dumbo.
Oh my God.
She'd open it.
He'd open a Bravo Clubhouse.
He'd open a big wood crate and he's like, and here comes Lizzo.
That's, you're right.
He just wants to have her on a show.
He just wants she'll be the real housewives of Atlanta.
They could replace three of them with her.
Yeah.
So the whole season would just be two housewives and then Lizzo fighting both of them.
Yeah.
Just grabbing both of them by their throats.
Yeah.
This doesn't make any sense.
It would be more, there would be more written if she was actually that's just attention.
She goes, I'm constantly up against lies being told about me for clout and views, being the butt of the joke every single time because of how I look.
Yeah.
My character being picked apart by people who don't know me and disrespecting my name, but that's just any type of level of anything.
Yeah.
That's any level of fame.
That's all of that.
Of course.
That's anything.
Don't read it.
I switch my Twitter notifications where you have to follow me to say to for me to see your reply.
Right.
And it's like so much better.
Yeah, I barely go on anymore.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I barely go on.
I was on for years and you just get bored.
Sure.
You get bored.
I'll go on sometimes and I'll go on for like a couple months and then I come off.
Yeah.
I'll tweet for a little while and then I come off.
It's just as you get older, it feels less, I don't know.
Well, it's more fun now because it looks like Anthony Coome is moderating it with the stuff that you.
Oh, that is hilarious.
He's the new, he's the new mod on X.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, it's wild now, right?
It's crazy.
It's just everybody, it's free-for-all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It just feels, I feel like you look at it and you get a real dark view of humanity and then you go outside and you're like, this isn't that bad.
No.
So that's the problem with all these social media sites.
Yeah.
It's the Bill Hicks joke about CNN where he goes, you look at it and you're like, war, death, disease, famine, hey, and then you go out and it's just you hear birds.
Yeah.
So it's kind of like, yeah, I don't know.
But I feel, you know, listen, Lizzo, if we, if I contribute in any way to her quitting, I apologize.
I don't know what to do.
Sorry.
I do want to see the Bravo show with the starring woman.
She's quit.
Yeah, she's quitting for good.
I don't think so.
Yeah, you're not quitting for good.
You're coming back.
She'll have a podcast in two months.
She should get hot and go alt-right.
I've said it many times.
That's the next phase.
Sure.
I mean, hot's a relative term, but drop the LBs.
Start talking about the border.
You're in.
Yeah.
Those people are loyal.
Huge.
Yeah.
She goes out at the RNC and she goes, I used to be a fat fuck.
And now the only thing I think about every day is the border.
I used to eat all day.
It's like I stopped letting in calories.
Yeah.
Because it's addiction.
I know it well.
You get addicted to anything, addicted to sugar, addicted to food.
She needs to get addicted to America's border security.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all that can really happen here.
Do you think about that stuff at all?
Do you think about like the migrant crisis and the border?
I have no idea.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, but if it's in front of me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like if I read an article about it or if I'm talking about it, I'll think about it, but it doesn't like keep me up at night.
I have no idea who's a migrant and who's.
I don't know.
I don't care.
It's not, they're not listening to me.
Yeah.
I mean, I think they got to figure it out.
They got to solve it.
Yeah.
But that's my surmise that they got to figure it out.
They got to do something to make the, to secure the border and let people in, but figure out who they are first.
There's ways to do it.
It's just chaos down there now.
It just looks bad.
It's like if you had a store and then everything looked crazy.
Yeah.
It should look bad.
Like down there, there's like TikToks telling people, like, here's the hole you got to go through.
And then all these people are like going through a hole.
Right.
And you go, this seems to show the TikTok border hole.
And you go, well, there's got to be a better way than this.
Yeah.
Like, I'm not an expert, but there's got to be a better way than like, you know, there's got to be a better way than just, you know, figuring out everything after the fact.
Yeah.
And I guess the people that live in these border cities, like the cities that live right on the border, it sucks.
It sucks.
It's tough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because they're in like the line of fire.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, I mean, they got to just figure out how to do it.
But I don't know.
See, this is the famous, is this the famous hole?
Yeah.
Is a global destination.
Littered with travel documents from around the world.
With the help of a translator, we learned a little about the Chinese migrants coming through.
They're coming through from Mexico.
We talked to one guy who was Chinese.
Yeah.
We also met a banker and small business owners.
Yeah, they look, by the way, are these people migrants?
They look great.
Yeah.
Like, this is kind of hilarious.
Like, they do look really, if those are migrants, they look better than most people I know.
You're specifically a TikTok hole.
We wondered how all of these migrants knew about this particular way into California.
The answer was in their hands.
Oh, Deliene.
Oh, TikTok.
Yeah, you dumb fuckers.
When we go through the hole on TikTok, you dumb white fish.
We were struck by just how orderly and routine it all seemed.
Yeah, they're Chinese.
They're doing a good job.
They're clearly doing a good job.
Why are you shocked about this?
How much property do you have?
It's not a bunch of Irish drunks.
Taking selfies.
All right, all right.
We got it.
We got it.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, they got to figure it out then.
They're making a little.
The Chinese should there should be a different way to do it so that people don't aren't going through a whole lot.
Is TikTok the only social media app that they're learning that on?
They could probably could probably learn it on reels.
Yeah, everything on tick tock then goes somewhere else to the real.
The College Lie00:02:44
Or yeah yeah, youtube short just makes me roll my eyes a little bit.
Where they go?
They're learning how to come into the country on tick tock.
Every ban tick tock.
Everyone learns everything on tick tock.
Yeah, fun fact, there was no drug use in America before tick tock.
Yeah yeah yeah, that's where everybody learns how to die.
Yeah, we talked to this Indian Wigger comedian who makes his money from tick tock.
Most of his revenue is very orderly fashion.
Most of his revenue is from people watching him say, how did you guys meet at a comedy show?
What do you think about the um?
There's a new article in the Woolster Journal where people are actually and I think this is good they're going back to like, get real jobs.
Uh-huh, it says gen z is becoming the tool belt generation.
Like they're actually doing real jobs.
Yeah, that's good.
That's probably good because in art, when we grew up, people were like, don't be a scumbag electrician.
Yeah, those guys make great money.
We were like everybody's like, go after your dreams, right?
Yeah, they're like go after your dreams and and then like, go to college, because the only way people will know you're not a dirtbag yeah, Because it was that attitude when we were growing up.
Yeah, those guys with tool belts, they're all dirtbags who didn't finish college.
Yeah.
Because they're scum.
Yeah.
It was like an attitude.
Like it was never said, but it was always kind of implied that everybody that worked with their hands was like an illiterate adult.
Yeah.
And that everybody who went to college was like a favored genius.
And now we know that that's all bullshit.
That's all bullshit.
Yeah.
So a lot of people are like going back to be carpenters or plumbers.
Yeah, I think about my kid and like what kind of life I want for him and what direction I want to push him in, you know?
And so so part of me is like, yeah, if he goes into the trades, he'll make decent money, but he'll probably be a little racist.
Yeah.
And then if, but if he goes to college, hopefully he goes for something that's like lucrative and not some like horse shit.
There's a lot of stuff.
No one told us.
But damn, like literally everybody said to us, like they were like, just go to college.
It doesn't even matter what your major is.
Yeah.
No one even told us.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I went for I went for acting.
Yeah.
They were like, as long as you go, I just went to a community college and dropped out, but they were like, as long as you get a degree.
As long as you get a degree, then you're safe.
It was the biggest lie.
I know.
And it was just another way for boomers to go, yeah, yeah, yeah, go, go, get out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
That's all boomers ever wanted their kids to do is get out of their face.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just get out.
Just get out of here.
Just leave us alone.
We just want to drink on a cruise.
Just get out of here.
Just go away for four years.
Van Life Reality00:12:24
How about eight?
Go to grad school.
Yeah.
Your dad bought a new pizza oven.
He wants to play with.
Your dad's been making us these great pieces.
Why don't you think about grad school?
You get to get out of here for 12 years.
Yeah.
Get out of here for 12 years.
Yeah, I'm happy that people seem to be like getting over this lie that like you should, there's like a big lie that you should just go to college and like for four years, just kind of fuck around.
Just kind of fuck around and like every other week decide if you're trans or something and then come in and out of that.
Right.
Or then just go or just get really drunk and commit a bunch of like softcore rape.
Yeah.
You gotta figure out which hormone you want to take.
You gotta take something.
Figure out which online guru you want to shepherd you through the experience.
Do you ever watch this woman?
I really like this lady.
Find them on Instagram.
Have you ever watched this woman who's kind of like a Wiccan chef?
No.
You would kind of like this because we had a food podcast called Steard many years ago.
Yeah.
That by the way, if anyone listened to, we would both be scrubbed from like every.
I guess people still tell me that it's hilarious.
It's the best.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's crazy.
It's just so funny.
I don't know if you go to the people I follow if you're like, what is this bitch?
The copper pot.
Find it.
She's a like a, she looks like a witch, but she makes food on Instagram.
And no, I don't know.
Just figure it out.
She's some type of witch chef.
I don't know.
She's like a weird, like, when you watch her, she's like a medieval, not medieval, I don't know.
It's a way to say it.
Does she cook from like historical culture?
Yeah, she makes really unhealthy things, but it's really...
Really like cupcakes with gummy worms on them.
No, she's not saying, what the fuck is this?
She's like, she's like, she makes like...
She makes like skeleton cookies.
Yeah, she makes like a group.
She'll make like a grilled cheese.
She'll make like a grilled cheese or something.
It's called the copper spoon.
Go to the copper spoon.
The underscore copper spoon 21.
She's a digital creator.
I think you'll like her a lot.
Is she like a trad wife?
No, I don't know what she.
She's like a witch trad wife, kind of.
Okay.
There is a lady.
So go here.
Go down.
Go down the, here we go.
Yeah, I had sex with her in 2013.
Hello, Traveler.
Welcome to The Copper Spoon.
Today is a very special day because today is the very beginning of Home Chef Throwdown.
It's going to be an eight-week long competition between me and 10 other chefs, all in order to raise money for an amazing organization called Lasagna Love.
Let's get into it.
Week one, the kindness challenge.
We all know love is kind of safe.
Yeah, because that's the whole thing.
They have to use it because like Ragu is sponsoring.
Yeah.
Go to one of her other things, her other recipes where she makes here.
She's like, hello, Traveler.
Hello, Traveler.
Welcome to The Copper Spoon.
Hello, my little spoonies.
Let's make some portobello mushroom burgers.
This recipe is super, super simple.
I am not vegan, and I don't claim to be the best at imitating meat, but I will say that I think these mushroom burgers are absolutely delicious.
So in a bowl, I just put some mushroom sauce in the colours.
She's like, good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Yeah, AI could never do this.
Yeah.
But she's like, good.
She has like the cups of the bowls my grandmother had.
Yeah.
She's like, and also I'm a witch.
She's also like, I'm a Wiccan.
I'm a witch.
But she's interesting.
It's interesting the way like she couldn't just, what's brilliant about this channel is no one, if she's a regular cook, who cares?
Yeah, right.
But because she's like, hi, you've stumbled into the witch's room.
You know what I mean?
But I like it.
I dig it.
I get it.
This is a job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is what they didn't realize when they were telling us to go to college.
Right.
Like, no.
Yeah.
You should, you should kind of be a Wiccan.
Right.
You got to be like, hey, my wife and I are furries.
Let me show you how to make an easy salmon bowl.
Easy weeknight salmon bowl.
And you would think she'd make like healthy things.
She doesn't.
She's like, she's like, welcome, Traveler.
Today we'll make a patty melt.
I'm like, yeah.
That's great.
That sounds great.
Like, go to that thing.
She's making it the first.
Go up, go up.
Yeah, that.
Watch this.
Hello, Traveler.
Look at this.
It's great to see you today.
How are you doing?
This, I just got done making a spicy meatball sandwich.
Okay, Girl.
I think you'll be just home.
It's just hilarious.
It's like the music from Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's like, I have made a veal parmesan.
We're making some hobbit-sized mozzarella sticks.
A lot of little hobbits in your life.
You'll need a lot of sustenance on the journey to Mordor's.
Mommy, I don't want to dress up like a hobbit.
Shut up.
I want to see my friends.
Mommy explained to you, this is how mommy makes her money to buy her toys.
Let's like our toys.
Mommy makes her money like this.
So you have to dress up like a hobbit.
And you have to get the bread from the oven and then walk it over to mommy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's...
I mean, what are your other options these days?
Not much.
They're saying van life sucks, not as glamorous as Instagram makes it seem.
Apparently, there are people that have been convinced that the van life is a glamorous thing.
Which I don't know who they were.
I knew a comic who looks fun.
It looks like it's a fun weekend.
I knew a comedian that lived in a van.
He hosted.
Jake Silverman?
No, I don't.
Well, maybe.
Is he a Portland guy?
He hosted for me an American comedy company a couple of years ago.
He was a nice guy.
Yeah, yeah.
And he lived in a van.
Yeah.
And I went to go see it.
Yeah.
And it was, you know, it's.
It was a van.
It's a van.
Yeah.
It's tough.
Yeah.
It's tough.
Yeah.
It's just not great.
Yeah.
But apparently no showers, no sleep.
Van life isn't as cool as Instagram makes it seem.
It's all from the Wall Street Journal.
All these articles are from the Wall Street Journal.
Wall Street Journal has been like taken over over the last few months.
And like literally every article they've run has been like, Americans don't want kitchens.
Nobody wants a dining room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nobody needs a Americans skipping breakfast.
Yeah, right.
All of that stuff.
They're like, they're skipping dinner.
You don't need a dining room.
They're just trying to move you into everyone lives in a storage facility.
Yeah.
That's the same thing.
Like Americans would kind of prefer to live in storage facilities.
It's like a touch-year project.
Yeah.
The community that many Americans find in homeless shelters is better than neighborhoods.
You're like, oh, okay.
They just ran one.
The Wall Street Journal just did one where it's like, nobody wants to retire.
What was the one I talked about on the last show?
It was a Wall Street Journal article.
They were like, it was like, do you remember what it was?
You ever see that Simpsons where sideshow Bob gets a storage unit?
He's like, I have a question.
And the guy's like, you want to live in the box?
It's like, it costs you two bucks a day.
Yeah, but there was a guy that made a TikTok about living in a storage unit.
He was like, I live in a storage unit.
It's great.
I have a lot of space.
I get to do my sprints in the hallway.
I get to work out.
Yeah.
And I'm sure they kicked him out because he put it on TikTok.
Of course.
Which is like.
Oh, the sociopath.
Right.
They're like, you're, they're like, it was a female sociopath and they're like, and she wrote a book where she's just basically like, hey, we're out here.
We're sociopaths.
And, you know, I'm now telling you that.
Yeah.
I don't know who that's for.
Like, I question that on the show.
I'm like, I don't understand who's like what this does to people.
Like, why this.
But it's always like, so van life to me never seemed like it would be an amazing thing for long times, long periods of times.
Yeah.
Well, I would see so many of these videos maybe two or three years ago.
And she, you know, the girl would be like, yeah, my dad's putting in the floors and the plumbing and the, you know.
But then it's like, okay, but what do you do?
What's your job?
It's always a fun desert landscape where the van is parked.
Yeah, yeah.
They never show you.
Is never Bushwick?
Yeah, they never show you like just like it's parked in like a, the, the, like, parking lot of a checkers.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, and then the employee at the checkers has to knock on the door and go, hey, we just don't.
Yeah, yeah.
We have to call.
Like, I don't want to call the cops on you.
Yeah, yeah.
But I have to.
Like we were told that like we have to call or will be fired if we don't call the police on you.
But it's never that.
It's always like, oh, I just.
They're going to take away my van.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
They're like, if you get busted, I, I, I, we, a lot of us live here.
Yeah.
But they're always like by these beautiful desert landscapes.
They're like, oh, you just stumbled upon a beautiful landscape in the desert.
Caleb Smith parks his home in Brooklyn, New York.
Yeah, this guy Jake Silverman has a joke.
He's like, yeah, I lived in a van and I had sex with a few girls in the van.
He's like, and you don't really think about, you don't really think of women as losers.
Yeah.
But you are if you have sex with me in a van.
I wonder if he was the guy.
Maybe he was a guy.
I don't know.
He's like tall, kind of curly hair.
Yeah, I think maybe it wasn't.
I don't remember.
He was a good guy.
He was a good guy, yeah.
You know, this is not a, this is not a great way to live, I guess.
This is what they're saying, which I never thought it was.
I never thought it was.
What do they do for work?
They get like odd jobs or they do Fiverr or something?
Like, what do they have?
Postmates, DoorDash, maybe things like where they're on the go.
They can use the car for work.
Some of them do, I guess, comedy.
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a tough thing to travel around.
Yeah.
But it almost seems like some of the people that I talked to that did it were very into the idea of being free and not having any roots and not because I think you can get a roommate and just be broke in New York like a lot of people were.
Yeah.
You know, a lot of people are.
Yeah.
But if you like this, you can do it.
Well, it seemed like people were doing it because it was like the cost of living so expensive.
So maybe I'll live in a van.
Right.
Maybe it'll help.
But it wasn't really.
It also, like, this article says this woman, her transmission died, and they needed five grand to fix it.
Right.
Although vans aren't as good as they were.
My mother had a Forta Connel line van with a bed in the back.
You could live in that.
Yeah.
That was like amazing.
Do they even still make the Forta Cona line?
That was a legit van you could live in.
Yeah.
We had a Dodge caravan with the wood paneling.
Yeah.
Those vans, like my mother threatened all the time.
She's like, I'll just go sleep in the van.
Like when her and my dad would get in a fight.
Yeah.
She'd be like, I'll just go live in the van.
Yeah.
He goes, fine, go live in the van.
He goes, it's nicer than this shithole, the house we lived in.
He goes, the van's nicer than this dump.
Yeah, yeah.
I would just be sitting there eating a cheeseburger quietly.
Yeah, dude.
Go to like a Forta Conneline van like 1998 Forta Conaline.
These were the vans.
Yeah.
So you hit an image on that.
Yeah.
These are the vans, you know.
Get the interior.
Get an interior.
Because the sprinter van is too much.
The vans that you can stand up in.
That's a lot.
It's a lot.
It's a lot.
But I mean, so this is like the van that, yeah, the Conneline van, they had a bed in the back.
You could live in the Forta Conneline van.
But again, it's probably not a great idea.
Yeah.
This doesn't look good for Americans.
This isn't great.
Yeah.
This is in the Wall Street Journal.
It just shows you where everything is now.
Where the Wall Street Journal is writing an article.
They're like, hey, you know that plan everyone had to live in the van?
That's not as fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not as fun as maybe it's a shed.
A shed.
Now, you're a parent.
Dark Web Stings00:02:34
Yeah.
What do you think about hitting the kids?
You know, I don't do it.
I haven't done it yet.
You know, I'm hoping I never snap.
Santa Luis Gomez is a friend of ours.
He's very anti-violence towards the children, but pro-violence to other people all the time, right?
Which is interesting.
Like the lady that works at Wendy's.
Right.
Anyone, you know?
Yeah.
Which I like about him.
I like nuance.
Right, right, right.
But there's a video here of, I guess, a grandpa defends hitting a child in Walmart who is mouthing off.
I saw that.
And I don't know if this is a, I don't know how.
He mustn't have got to leave him last hour.
I'll pull it up here.
Oh, can we find it on the dark web?
Just go to the just go to the fucking dark web and find this guy beating his granddaughter.
We need to watch something here.
I got to go to Belfast and entertain these animals.
Oh, I've seen this.
Is it the guy with a red tie?
Boy, I hope it is.
Granddaughter across the face.
I smacked my granddaughter across the goddamn face because she was swearing in public and mouthing off to her grandmother.
He looks like he has a filter on.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I got to be honest with you.
I kind of like him.
What did he say?
She was swearing?
Smacked his granddaughter across the face.
I smacked my granddaughter across the goddamn face because she was swearing in public and mouthing off to her grandmother.
Well, listen, no matter what you're doing, that is the correct reaction when someone takes their little camera and starts filming you.
And just go directly and say exactly what you did.
You go, I was buying child pornography to get it off the streets.
Yeah, that's right.
Post it.
Put it on TikTok, motherfucker.
Because you can't be embarrassed or anything.
You have to just proudly, no matter what.
When they do the pedophile sting, when they go, oh, actually, no, I'm doing a sting on you.
Right.
Because you're pretending to be a 14-year-old boy.
You're the one doing the crime.
Right.
Not me.
I'm the person who's arresting you.
I have the TikTok channel.
You're the pedophile.
You're the pedophile.
By the way, that's the future of America.
It's just guys with phones in wars going, you're actually the pedophile.
Yeah.
You're the pedophile.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No matter what's going on, if you hit your wives, you got to just very confidently be like, I hit my wife because that's the way our relationship works.
Don't get involved.
I bet you're single.
Yeah.
Easter Egg Hunt Chaos00:08:00
She just tamed me over the black guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I bet you're a single person.
We're a lesbian couple.
Yeah.
We're lesbians.
We like to hit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lesbians do like to hit.
Do they?
Well, statistics.
I mean, again, I don't make the statistics.
I don't put the numbers in the columns.
Sure.
But the people that do find that some of them are.
Yeah.
Do you like Boston Market?
It's fine.
It's closing.
A lot of it's.
I feel like this has been happening for like three years.
I know, but it's really dire now.
When I was a kid, when Boston Market opened.
It was a big deal.
Well, it was a huge deal because this was like a way to get health food.
Yeah, yeah.
Like macaroni and cheese, cream spinach.
You know what I mean?
Stuffing.
You get stuffing at 3 p.m. on a Wednesday.
It's health food.
Boston Market was.
You'd eat burgering too much.
Anytime you wanted, you could have a Thanksgiving dinner.
This is the premise of Boston Market is that anytime day or night that you wanted to, you could sit down with your family for like $7 and have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Yeah.
And Boston Market had some good grub.
My friend Rob worked there.
And my parents would take, my parents would take me there after dance class.
I tell a famous story about it where I would sneak three sides.
See how you get two sides?
I would tell them to put cinnamon apples on the ham.
I would get ham.
I'd get macaroni and cheese.
And then I would get either whatever, like cream spinach.
That's why you're a millionaire.
And I put the cinnamon apples on the ham.
Yeah.
And I would say that to them.
And then once they wouldn't, they didn't do it.
They put it in the side.
I just started screaming.
I was in like my dance costume.
I was this little fat kid that danced on the and I started screaming, put it on the ham.
And I was crying.
Put it on the ham.
Put it on the ham.
And then the African guy started to chant, who did not ham?
And then this woman, this manager walked over and she's like, oh, white lady with glasses.
She's like, what's going on?
I'm like, I want the apples on the ham.
I'm like, it's not one of my sides.
It goes on the ham.
And she's like, okay.
And they did it for me.
But I remember it's just, it was such a great.
That's what America is all about.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
Because they got their hands in your pocket.
Everybody's got their hands in your pocket.
Well, who are we ripping off here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who even owns this thing?
What fucking vertical nightmare hedge fund private equity company owns Boston Market?
Someone that's shutting it down.
Engaged brands.
Oh, yeah.
This guy, it's owned by Rohan Group, owned by Jig Nash Jam.
Yeah.
He took it over.
I was reading the article.
He took it over and he was like, I'm going to make it very good for everybody.
And then just started shutting it down.
Yeah.
God bless him.
I love an Indian scammer.
Like there was this guy, Sant Chatwall, who owned this, owned these hotels, the Chatwall Hotels.
And they opened a restaurant called Romera.
This was years ago in like 2011.
It was neurogastronomy.
It was food that was supposed to make your brain chemicals reactive.
It was such a scam and it tasted terribly.
And it lasted for like a few months.
It was a great scam.
Yeah.
Well, that's like those guys that work at the call center.
They're probably all like middle class.
Which guys?
in India.
Yeah.
You know?
Right.
The ones in Bangalore.
Yeah.
Yeah, they probably have good lives.
Probably good lives.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And we all feel bad for them.
Well, our call centers here are terrible.
That documentary, the telemarketers, those guys that were raising money for the police.
Do you ever see that on HBO?
Oh, no, they could.
Okay.
They just called people up and the people were donating to the police.
Police.
Play that trailer from HBO.
These guys who like were like telemarketing and they were all on like heroin and they were calling up people and being like hey Yeah, this is great watch this great documentary Hey, what's up?
Where are we going into?
We're going into Civic Development group and what we do is we call up people and chisel them out of money.
Money on my motherfucking mind.
Patrick and I both work at this telemarketing place.
This 14 year old kid making calls on behalf of charities like a big ass cookout I didn't think I was doing anything bad at all.
Now Lisa, these families, they do need your support.
The business model is defrauding the most vulnerable in this country.
It was a big time scam.
This is capitalism, get money money, money.
We need to show the world what this place really does.
The media and the government haven't been able to stop them, so now it's up to us.
We got it taken down from inside.
Yeah, so this was like they had this.
They had these like um telemarketing call centers where they would call people up and be like hey, would you donate to the police?
And like a very small fraction of the money went to the police and most of it went to the just the owners of the company.
Yeah, they didn't even pay these people really.
Well, just like the owners of the company.
Really, they would just call old people.
They'd be like, do you, do you like the police?
And be like well, I do you know, some one of them was shot and they go, oh no, and then they go give, let's do a donation okay, helps the families.
And it was all bullshit and it was just.
Yeah, you know, Deb took Benjamin to an easter egg hunt this weekend and there it was like mobbed and she was like yeah, the rule said that you're only allowed to pick like three eggs per kid and some kids had like 12 eggs in their basket.
And I said, what did you learn, Benjamin?
It it's a dirty world, it's a dirty game.
You know, where was this hunt?
In Brooklyn heights interesting, where all the poor people are, you're right millionaires yeah, and no, but it's nice, it's beautiful over here is nice yeah, yeah.
And what do they do with um, the eggs?
They just hide them.
And then the kids, I guess, they hide them and the kids find them and it's supposed to be three eggs per kid.
He didn't get any eggs, my kid really.
Yeah oh, that's unfortunate yeah, because these older kids are stealing eggs.
Probably that's not nice huh, yeah.
But I said you know what'd you learn?
Are they gotta get our hands a little dirty?
Well, let me ask you a question.
Do you think there are people that are participating in that easter egg hunt that are not Christian?
Probably.
Yeah, I mean, it's Brooklyn.
Well, it shouldn't be allowed.
Yeah, because it's right.
Yeah right yeah, am I wrong?
I went with a whistle, but if you saw, if you saw a kid that looked Jewish in the hunt, would it be wrong to go?
Hey, this kid looks Jewish and this is an easter hunt.
Um I, I guess, I guess technically it wouldn't be wrong, maybe morally, but yeah, I don't know.
It just feels like it is a Christian holiday, even though the Easter egg isn't part of the bible.
It does feel like.
But I like that.
I like the Jewish people celebrate our holidays, like I like that they, they enjoy themselves on Christmas and stuff.
You know well, they go to the movies.
Yeah, some of that.
Yeah well I, I like that they go to the movies.
I don't know.
No, yeah, it's good.
No, no, there's nothing wrong with it.
I'm just saying if Christian children are losing eggs to atheists, there should be more Jews or whoever, Muslims.
I don't care who's ever in that hunt.
Yeah, yeah.
Hindus.
Yeah.
It should be a Christian hunt.
It should have been more organized.
It should have been a Christian hunt.
Right, right, right.
Yeah.
In Brooklyn.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I just have a, I'm like, can we separate the white Christian children from the other ones?
Who are you?
Are you one of the organizers of the hunt?
No, I bought this at Dick's Sporting Goods.
By the way, it seems to me that there are some Orthodox Jewish children grabbing Easter eggs.
This is very confusing.
We do not want this.
Yeah.
This is an interesting story here.
Well, first of all, what is this Baltimore bridge?
Organized Christian Hunt00:13:20
What happened with that?
I guess a boat hit it.
It's not good.
They lost power.
The boat lost power.
So the boat couldn't turn.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, there was nobody on it except a few construction workers.
They did like an emergency shutdown.
Did anybody die?
Like six, I think six construction workers.
God.
It's a bummer.
Nobody was on the actual bridge.
No cars, no.
And it was lucky because there were cars going over it.
Yeah.
Like right a few seconds before.
Yeah.
That fucking sucks.
Now they're shutting down the porch.
The comedy club?
Well, no, I think that whole port or something.
Something's got to, they're doing something that's going to disrupt the flow of like all the stuff that gets shipped in and out of there.
Yeah, yeah.
A lot of crab.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't know what's going.
But some, there's, there's, there's bigger problems than just the bridge going down.
Yeah.
There's other issues.
Well, it was probably an inside job to rename it, you know?
That's probably exactly what it was.
DEI.
People immediately were saying it was an inside job.
There's nothing now that will happen where as it's happening, people like as it's falling, like inside jobs.
There are TikToks of it as it's happening, going inside jobs.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, let's wait for a little.
They're going to rename it the Omar from the Wire Bridge.
I remember after 9-11, the McNulty bridge.
After 9-11, we waited like, I think, an appropriate amount of time.
It was like a year.
And then like Loose Change came out, that documentary.
And then everybody was like, oh, something's weird.
But that was after a while.
It wasn't like, I don't know.
Yeah, I guess it's just like, I don't know, everybody's bored.
And I don't know.
There's probably some currency in that, right?
To make up conspiracy theories.
That's what people got to do.
For sure.
But maybe some, because some of them are right.
Yeah.
The problem is some of them are right.
That's the problem with conspiracy theories.
And you don't know which ones are which until too late.
Yeah.
Alex Jones.
Perfect example.
It's like, it's like anything.
It's like, if you said, oh, there's an island of politicians having sex with kids, people go, you're crazy.
Crazy.
But then that's right.
And if you said, oh, there's a labyrinth of secret underground torture prisons where the America's kidnapping people they think are in al-Qaeda and torturing them.
You go, that's crazy.
But then that comes out as true.
You say Obama killed Bernie Mac.
Right.
And then people go, you're crazy.
But then they find out it's true.
Yeah.
I'm a big Obama chef truther.
Yeah.
I think there's no way that guy just died.
I don't want to believe that.
Yeah.
I want to believe they got him because he's hot and he was having sex with Obama.
And that's what I want to believe.
It's a better story.
And it might be true.
Well, we did an episode about this on our show, but a lot of people who have like worked for powerful people have died.
They just died because they overhear something they shouldn't.
Sure.
Because they wake up one night, they go to the kitchen.
They're like, let me grab some of that turkey.
I'll make a sandwich.
You know what I mean?
And then you see Bill and Hillary Clinton eating a baby in the living room.
And then they kind of just look at you and smile and wave.
And then you know, you're like, well, my days are numbered.
Now I'm done.
The Clintons had a chef that Hillary Clinton ate his lamb chops at a restaurant.
She was like, I want you to come work at the White House.
And then he went hiking one day and drowned in like six inches of water.
Unfortunate.
Yeah.
You just got to say no, by the way.
Any political family wants you to do anything, you say no.
If someone goes, I want you to walk the dog, you go, no, Such an honor to cook for you, Mrs. Clinton.
No, I have a condition where I get, I get really horny when I'm around dogs.
I get angry.
I insanely have sex with dogs.
It's part of my therapy to not do this.
There's something about, there's something about when you work for like these political dynasties.
Yeah.
Well, Marvin Bush, Bush's brother, had a nanny, and she like went out to her car one day and the car like ran her over and killed her.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's unfortunate.
It's unfortunate.
But eventually, because he, you know, sometimes it's just like, when he would answer the phone, he would go, hello, 9-11, brothers.
We did 9-11.
He could have knocked her up.
Like, there's all these weird things.
Like, people get killed for reasons we wouldn't even think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, like, everyone who's met the Clintons is dead.
People that shook their hand at a book signing in 1997 were found like, you know, they were killed by like fireworks falling on them.
Yeah.
You know, people die.
People that know the bushes, there's people that know the bushes that got, you know, I know.
They got shellacked.
You got to be careful.
The Obama chef.
Yeah.
Did you hear, did you watch that Patrick Bett David podcast episode with Anthony Weiner?
Sebast.
I love when he starts like naming people on the Clinton kill list.
What does he say?
You're ding-a-ling?
You're dang-a-ling.
You took your ding-a-ling out.
Little boys are learning how to suck each other's ding-a-lings.
Wait, what is he name?
Who does he name on the Clinton?
Can you get that?
He starts naming people on the Clinton killers.
Yeah, that's so funny.
Yeah.
And Weiner's like, where did you get this info?
He's like, I got it from part of the storm, stillinthestorm.org.
It is true.
It's maybe the Clinton killers is all made up.
I don't know.
Yeah.
But I don't think it is.
Yeah.
There's got to be enough people.
Yeah, I don't, yeah, I don't know.
It's weird.
Well, I guess who knows?
But it's also like everyone that kind of knows David Spade has died.
Right, right, right.
So that's also like a thing.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like you could maybe do that with a few different people, right?
I don't know.
You don't think I can make a list of other people who are 70-something years old and say this person died?
How come they haven't done that with Bush?
Hold on a second.
How come they haven't done that with Bush?
He's on the same second.
I have no freaking idea why it happened.
How come they haven't done that?
Hold on a second.
But so are you saying, so you agree with what I'm saying?
How come they haven't done that with Reagan?
This is like the best podcast.
What point are you making about these men and women?
How is it so many people close to them died?
How is it so many people close to everybody dies?
How is I'm asking the question?
You're asking a bizarre question.
Exactly.
Stop.
Folks, Anthony Weiner had.
But this was so funny because he starts the interview.
He goes, so you are a very weird guy.
I was on the show and I liked him.
I like Patrick McDavid a lot.
But one of their questions was, what if we all caught a pedophile in Starbucks?
They're like, you see a pedophile.
Like one of the guys asked a question.
They're like, you see a pedophile look at a job one in Starbucks.
What do you do?
So I had a joke.
I go like, I'm like, I get him to green light a show on NBA.
It's some fun joke.
But then the other guy's like, answering it seriously.
Like, well, I don't want to hit him because then I go to jail.
So I tell him.
So this pedophile you see Starbucks, I tell him, I get in the car, I follow the pedophile.
You know, it was an interesting.
Can you get that?
I don't know if it's hard to find that section of the show, but it was just a very funny.
Yeah.
What do you do?
You see a pedophile.
It's the craziest.
Wait, what?
So I'm like on the line with Starbucks, and then there's a pedophile in front of me that is.
Yeah, maybe this is it.
He has your ball.
He has it.
This is good.
I like the Democratic kids at the end.
This guy, you're acting like a.
I'm not assuming that he's gay.
Do you think America's ready for a gay president like this?
What do you mean?
We probably already know what they're doing.
Yeah, they're catching pedophiles and girls.
That's the most American.
Go to the middle of them.
One in five Americans report on the internet.
60s is looking at girl pictures six years old.
Eight years old, ten years old.
What do you do?
I record him watching that, and then I confront his ass.
I'm stepping to his.
What do you do?
Is it just mind your own business?
Do we go back to green light a show for me on NBC?
All right, there you go.
But it's just like that was one of the, it's just an interesting question.
It's one of those questions you don't imagine you'll get.
Yeah, but we all have to answer it in our mind.
It should be a question they ask you on a job interview.
Yeah.
They go, okay, you sound great.
Like everything seems like you'd be a good fit here.
But let me ask you another question.
You're at Starbucks.
Is a guy watching videos of children having sex in front of you?
Yeah.
What do you do?
Yeah.
I step to his ass.
I go to the car.
I get my nunchucks.
I say to him, I challenge him for the honor.
Yeah, well, if he bites you, you'll become a pedophile.
I don't want to become a pedophile because I get bitten.
Detroit Teacher of the Month fired over rap.
Side hustle records music video with students.
The rap name is Drippin' Honey.
Why would they fire anyone who's working in a Detroit school?
They should just be kept.
No one, by the way, if you're willing to work in a Detroit public school, you should not be fired.
Even if you're dating one of your students, if you're willing to do that, you should just be kept.
Yeah.
Teacher of the month.
Can we watch some of the rap?
I want to see.
If it's not good, then maybe that's why.
It's probably good.
This is great.
This is good.
Yeah.
These are all our students in the video.
I should call this bitch just like me.
Getting money, that's a CIP.
I'm running up like, yeah, we go see.
Bitch, I really got motion.
I put a nigga on, bitch.
Yeah, all right.
So what?
Yeah, the kids were the ones that edited it.
Yeah, what's the problem?
I don't know why she was.
Do they have any?
Why was she fired?
A parent complained.
That she was rapping.
That she was moonlighting her social media was inappropriate.
Yeah.
What else are these kids going to do after school?
This seems relatively wholesome.
Yeah.
You know, it does.
I mean, it's like.
Yeah.
I covered it and I've covered this case in this case at Arizona where there's a bunch of rich white kids randomly attacking people in the streets and they killed one of them, you know, attacking other kids.
They all look like that, right?
I mean, not the top right.
He was just the guy who was killed.
But like, you know, so they're not rep. So you know what I mean?
Is it like, are we, do we, you know what I mean?
It's like we're firing into, why don't we fire those teachers?
Why don't we fire the white teachers that let these kids play in football games after they killed another kid?
Clip that just so when I'm called racist next week Put that in the column of things you can just send to people very quickly when I'm called racist next week because I imitate Leslie Jones or something.
That was such a good take.
You're right.
Who do these people think they are?
They're like smoothie salesmen.
But it is true.
It's like you can't cover up a murder if you own an Orange Theory gym.
That's not the way America works.
Yeah, yeah.
You can cover it up, but you got to be like, literally, this is how little our parents cared about.
Like my friend Mike's mother, who I loved, she used to sit there like a house dress, smoked a cigarette.
And she's like, you know, boys, when you leave this house, if you get in any trouble, a fight, a DWI, or somebody gets you with drugs, she goes, you can make any phone call you want, but don't call this house because me and your father will be doing nothing for you.
You will rot in jail.
She just fucking said that.
She go, we take the phone off at 11 p.m.
She goes, so if you get in any trouble, you will rot in jail.
She would say every time we went out, she'd go, you'll rot in jail.
I go, all right.
But these kids, parents tried to cover it up.
Your kid comes in, commits a murder.
You don't, you don't cover it up.
Yeah.
So you got to, you can't commit murders.
Yeah.
But this is, they tried to blame it on a kid with another similar sounding name.
Because one kid's name's, I swear to God, one kid's name's Talon.
And the other kid's name's Talon, but one spells it T-A-L-A-N and the other one spells it T-A-L-Y-N.
Yeah.
So they're like, we're going to blame it on the kid that has the Y-N.
I hate poor people.
You know, I agreed.
Yeah.
Middle class are disgusting.
But the kid with the Y-N is poor.
But he might have done it too.
We don't really know.
No one knows.
I don't know.
I like to think sometimes that I should be a parent, but I don't know.
Blaming the Wrong Kid00:03:24
I've been thinking about that.
Is there a thing where you can occasionally be a parent?
Like, is there a program where you can kind of be a parent?
It seems very, it's very, because I was talking with Annie Letterman, a friend of ours.
Yeah, yeah.
Staying with me.
Yeah.
We're talking about it.
And I'm like, she should have a kid.
Yeah.
You know, but she's like, but it's such a thing.
I go, yeah, I know.
Yeah.
She'd be fun, like the mom you see like once a month.
Yeah.
Once every, yeah.
Yeah, she's not, she'll be a fun mom.
Yeah, she would, yeah.
You know, she'd just be a kind of a mom.
She dropped a kid off.
She'd be in like a fake leopard fur coat.
Yeah.
You know, she's in like a big old Cadillac.
Yeah.
An old one.
You can hang out with my kid, but it's kind of, it's kind of tedious.
The thing is, it's hard because I have a godson who's Chinese and he's fun, but then you go, oh, you have to, you know, you really do have to care for them for a long time, forever and ever.
We went to the park yesterday.
It was very nice, but we like stopped in front of the water and he just wanted to throw rocks in the water.
Right.
I was like, okay, this is fun.
I'm giving him rocks.
I'm throwing rocks.
But I was like, I feel myself getting dumber having this experience.
It's not very intellectually stimulating.
Well, I mean, he's still young.
It's not like coming here talking about pedophiles.
I mean, this is really doing adult stuff.
Yeah, this is adult stuff.
Yeah.
I stepped his ass.
I sweeped the legs.
I stepped in that man's ass.
You see Berkeley professor fired for telling students to get out of California if they want to find a girlfriend.
Okay.
I don't know why.
Why, why is that such a controversial?
I think Berkeley should be a I used to think that Berkeley was like, you know, I don't know.
They seem a little sensitive about stuff.
But this, I don't know, this seems very sensitive.
You'll be shocked by the stark differences in behavior of women in places where women are plentiful versus their behavior within artillery distance of San Jose and San Francisco.
Andrew Tate was hired by Berkeley.
I like, he's kind of a foppish Andrew Tate.
I like that.
Berkeley's Andrew Tate.
Why fire him, though?
I don't know.
I mean, I understand he's expressing an unpopular opinion.
Yeah.
Here's the thing about teachers.
When I grew up, no one listened to them.
Yeah.
Right.
Like no one, like people would say shit we didn't agree with all the time.
That's the point.
They would just say weird shit and we'd go, all right, that doesn't seem like one of our teachers was like, you just choose to be gay.
That's the way it is.
And everyone kind of laughed at him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was like a weird guy.
We're like, all right, he's just an older, weird guy.
He's like, you make a choice.
He goes, you choose everything in life.
He's like, everything, everything you do is a choice.
To be gay, that's a choice.
And everyone laughed.
Like, because you know that teacher, when you were late for class that one time, I forgot.
She was like, if you, if you're going to get a job, like you're not, you can't walk in late to your job.
And you were like, well, I'm going to have a real job, not like a teacher.
No, I said, I'm going to have a real job.
I'm not going to be like an English teacher.
So I said, I'd be more motivated to show up to that.
And then I was sent to the dean.
I was always sent to the principal because I would mouth off to these nothings.
Everything Is A Choice00:05:54
My father hated them too.
That's why if I wasn't a comic, I would have been a failure because my father had no respect for Thorpe, but should have.
Like should have, but didn't care at all.
When the teachers would go, your son talks in class and he watches TV.
He watches Arsenal Hall and that comes on like 11 p.m.
My father would go, well, he sneaks downstairs to watch.
We don't, I'm asleep.
Yeah.
And then one teacher goes, he likes this woman, Amanda.
Is that his sister?
And my father goes, no, she's a character on Melrose Place.
They're like, is that appropriate for him to watch?
My father's like, I don't know.
He said in the like parent teacher conference, my mother said, they go, is Melrose Place appropriate for like a third grader to watch?
My father goes, I don't know.
It's on TV.
Yeah.
What do you want me to do?
Yeah.
He's going to see it.
He's going to see it.
Yeah.
What's scary for me is all the YouTube shorts.
My kid loves watching YouTube shorts.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
He's going to get you one day on the short.
Yeah.
Daddy.
He's going to see.
3,000, 3.3K.
Yeah.
You're going to be like, Benjamin, your curfew was 11 p.m.
It's 1245.
And then he goes, you were insufficiently supportive of Israel.
And then you go, you just have nothing to say.
You're like, all right.
Yeah.
Yeah, we all make choices.
Yeah, you're right.
I guess so.
Yeah, I bet on the wrong horse.
Just try to get in by one next time.
People should watch your special right now.
It's a hilarious special.
It's on YouTube at the Outfire Smokes YouTube channel.
Thanks.
Subscribe to where can people find your dates?
You have a website if people go to your Instagram.
Yeah, microscenecomedy.com.
I'll be in Chicago.
I don't know when this comes out, but this Wednesday, April 3rd.
I don't know.
It'll come out this week.
We'll put this one out this week and we'll put out.
We got Jessica Kieris and I'm in Europe right now.
Nice.
Supposedly.
I'm going to Europe next month.
Yeah.
You know, that's how I feel.
I'm kind of just like, yeah.
I want to go to Minneapolis for one night.
I want to go jerk off at a hotel room and fly home the next week.
Yeah, I just, it's such an undertaking to go to Europe.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
To be like, they're like, great, another fat American walking through our streets.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Who has like, you know, some level of a teeny bit of notoriety.
Yeah, you're not going to improve.
In a certain corner of the internet.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's fun to do, but it's just, I don't know.
I don't feel, I'm not in a Europe mood.
You need to be in a Europe mood.
Like that basic white girl kind of like my time.
Yeah.
What's over there that you can't do here?
What do they have that we don't have?
Food that's not poison.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's better for you.
It's nice.
Walk around new areas.
But if this comes, why are you putting up the dates?
It's over ready if this comes out.
Oh, yeah, but let's put on Mike's dates.
Okay.
Chicago, New York, Amsterdam, Berlin.
Wow.
You are going over.
Yeah.
And Charlotte, go see Mike.
He's one of the best.
Find our old podcast dude.
Yeah.
Make it big.
I'm happy.
I'm happy with the special.
I'm getting good.
The best text I got was from Dan St. Germain.
And he was like, he goes, the special's great, man.
I would put you above even me as a, as a stand-up right now.
Oh, wow.
Well, like, why don't we calm down?
And then he hears phone privileges are over.
A guard comes and takes it from him.
Phone privileges are done.
He's also his special's out too.
His go watch Dan St. Germain special.
It's really funny.
Dan's great.
He's also one of the funniest people.
We hope to get him on.
It's just funny that everything's like a direct competition with him.
It shouldn't be.
No.
There shouldn't be.
There's enough.
We're all just going to thrive on our own on our own timeline.
There's enough to, there's a lot of fun to be had by all.
Yeah.
You're going to get very sick someday.
I'm going to absorb some of your, I'll absorb some.
You'll absorb some of my fans.
I think I'll die suddenly.
You think?
I hope.
Yeah.
That's the hope.
Isn't that the hope for all of us?
I guess, yeah.
The hope you just, one day you're just not there.
Like you're just driving and it's like that.
I hope I kill a bunch of people.
I also die.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's like a very kind of like, it's like, oh, you know, it's like, when you go, how did he die?
And they go, oh, well, he's kind of, it's a road rage incident.
He plowed out a bunch of people.
But yeah, then you get some of the fans, you know, some of the people that came over after the road rage.
Like a bunch of people are dead, but you're also dead.
Yeah, of course.
It's like, whatever.
I don't know.
People, it's so weird now.
Like, do you do that?
You're checking the views on your, on your video.
Did you hear that the kid who went to fight for Israel died?
It's like he was like an American kid and he goes, I'm just going to go fight for Israel.
And he died.
It's like people just.
Yeah.
And, but he believed in something.
So that's nice that he believed in that much that he just said, I'm just going to give my life because I believe.
Yeah.
We don't believe in anything like that.
It would be very hard outside of your family, your friends, your own physical safety.
Like imagine like the countries at war and like I, like Chris DiStefano and me are on the phone like trying to justify going to fight China in the Taiwan Strait.
Yeah.
Like I just, no one's up for that.
Yeah.
No one's up for that.
No.
No one's doing that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a bummer that anybody, that anybody does.
Yeah.
It's just none of our friends would be like, we're doing it.
Yeah.
I'll step to his ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's when you need that guy.
The guy who'll step up.
China.
Yeah.
Tell him China's a whole country of pedophiles.
We got a big pedophile.
They're trying to take over Taiwan so they can produce trial porn.