Tim sits down with comedian Jessica Kirson about marching, 90’s music, Oprah, dieting, being star struck and why everything is nostalgic.American Royalty Tour🎟 Punchup.live/TimDillonSPONSORS:Mack Weldon:Go to Mack Weldon dot com and get 20% off your first order with promo code TIM.Blue ChewBlueChew.com & Use Code: ‘TIM’Morgan & Morgan:For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Ellen's Homophobic Circus00:12:56
Ladies and gentlemen, the great Jessica Kierson is with this.
Turn me down.
I'm a little hot in these headphones.
This is a little loud.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's Easter Sunday.
This will be released in a week or two because I'll be in Europe and you were trying to get here.
Did the driver who told you that there was a trans parade on Fifth Avenue?
Did he just think the Easter parade was the trans parade?
Because the Easter parade, everyone wears bonnets and looks crazy.
Right.
I think he just thought that was the trans parade.
I think maybe there were two parades.
Well, he also said it's some kind of Indian holiday, too.
I think he's on acid.
He honestly, there was no Uber driver.
I'm joking.
No, if I saw people with those crazy hats, I would go, oh, it's a trans parade.
That's, oh my God, is that the Easter parade?
This is the Easter parade.
That person needs to be killed.
Why is that person wearing that hat?
Is that a hat?
Yeah, they all have funny hats and Easter bonnets.
But that's dumb.
Why?
What is that?
Well, this is the whole thing.
It's Easter.
They all wear bonnets.
But that's not a bonnet.
That's a fucking tree.
Well, everybody's getting creative.
That's not creative.
That's mentally ill.
I mean, I'm mentally ill, but that's like unique way in a home.
This is what he thought the trans parade was.
I think.
I think so too.
I think he saw this and he was like, this has to be the trans parade.
It does not look like an Easter parade.
It looks more like a trans parade than an Easter parade.
But everyone in the, yeah, but everyone in Easter parade was wearing like chaps and heels.
So that, I don't know.
It might have been a little confusing.
It might have been confusing.
I just because I guess they've made Trans Visibility Day Easter.
I don't really understand.
When did that happen?
I don't know.
It happened recently.
Biden did it recently.
It was Biden's doing.
Oh, was it?
Was it?
Oh, it's an annual event occurring every March 31st since 2009.
Oh, it just happened.
And by the way, is Easter Easter the same day every year?
No.
Okay, so it's an invented thing that people are mad about.
It just so happened this year.
Right.
You had the trans day visibility and Easter at the same time.
But then why are people so upset about it?
Because they want to be.
Well, you know who's the most upset about it is Caitlin Jenner, who's fucking transgender.
You know what?
Get your dick put back on and make a bigger statement.
Yeah.
Does she have a dick?
I think it's gone.
Why?
Well, she seems pretty angry.
I think she has a dick.
I've heard that it was taken by who?
Like a thief?
Did someone mug her and kill her?
Well, there's a lot of home invasions in LA right now.
Did a squatter take her dick?
There's a lot of crime happening.
So I think somebody big went into her Malibu house and she had a fairy.
Took her dick, her fucking trophies, and a slipper.
Yeah.
What did they take?
Like a thief in the night.
Her genitals were not removed, but rather rearranged.
What?
Into a form consistent with being a woman.
They were put into a cross.
Well, they're so religious.
They took her dick and her balls and made it into a cross.
And this, and today she's actually Republican trans, like a doctor, like a Republican trans.
I hope she went to like she had a Nazi put them on.
Yeah, I hope she went to like a guy who was like, you know, like angrily doing it.
Oh, yeah.
Like fucking like, I put your dick into cross.
Get on the train.
Hate it too, but we need to do it quickly and quietly.
I I hate myself also, but let me just talk quietly.
Yeah, there's things I like about her.
Caitlin came to my christmas party in La really yes, and she was lovely, she was fun.
She showed everyone her plane, her plane.
She flies a little plane around Malibu.
What is?
She's a real life superhero, Jessica.
What is the plane we need?
What's the thing?
Look there, she is right there.
Can you imagine the plane?
Does it have a top like?
There's no top on it, isn't she like seven?
Two, she's huge.
Yeah, she's very robust.
Yeah, she's a robust woman wow, and she is.
What's her girlfriend look like?
I'm sorry, I just had this with her because she's like homophobic.
No, of course I get it.
She was against gay marriage but, by the way, here's the thing she said, i'm against gay marriage because i'm an old-fashioned girl.
It's the funniest thing that's ever been said.
Old-fashioned girl is amazing to me.
I just can't not like her because I understand that to say, I get it, I get it.
Seven feet tall of you with these big size, 15 Christian Laboutins on that are like special.
Her hands look like the ones in the baseball team.
You know when you could go in the baseball.
No, it's crazy.
And then she goes i'm an old-fashioned girl, look at her right there, get that up.
She's fueling up her plane.
Can you please get up the photo of her fueling her?
She's the size of a plane, just standing, not going verbally.
I mean, is this not a superhero?
She's fueling up her plane and she just flies it around Malibu looking for gay marriages to fly over and scare somebody.
Marriages, but it's a very what a wild life.
Can I see it?
Can I see a picture of her beard, her wife or the actual?
She's not married, she's against it.
No, she has.
Uh, her partner is a lovely woman who also came to the christmas party.
Oh, of course, that's her partner, trans Maga Influencer, her partner's trans trans Maga Influencer.
This is the, i'm sorry.
Merry christmas and happy new year.
Wait, her partner was a man and is now a woman.
That is correct.
I i'm, i'm this fascinating.
I mean, she's beautiful, she's incredibly attractive.
Look at her face right now Caitlyn, is she chitting?
Look at her face.
Well, she's very proud maybe that's part of their whole kink that she Beverly.
Look at the back of the, the step and repeat it says Beverly Hills IV Therapy.
This is incredible.
And then it says, face forward, international.
Well, her face is forward.
I mean, she's shitting in that picture.
She's an interesting woman.
She's definitely not traditional, traditional.
So what does she say?
Do you think they scissors the tweet about they have to scissor, they sheer.
That's a hot number.
She's got there that yeah, I mean I I, the the woman she's with is stunning.
She's very pretty.
Is she pregnant of that?
No, she's against that.
She, she's against all of it.
She's against everything, trans and gay.
I know it's very interesting.
It's like me, like it's, it's like you being.
Well, I mean, we're both homophobic we, we.
I mean i'm internally homophobic, relatively homophobic.
I'm not homophobic against my, i'm homophobic against people that are under like 30.
Every gay person that's been born at a like I. If you're like 16, i'm homophobic because, like you're just a lot.
The younger gay people are a lot and I love them because you know you have to love everyone, but they're a lot.
The younger people are a lot.
I'm not homophobic against other people.
I'm homophobic against myself.
Um, because I feel like i'm a sinner, but I am a home.
I'm not homophobic.
I hate when people tell me I need to call myself queer, because I hate that.
Well, this is why the young people are a little annoying.
I don't care if you call yourself queer, but when you call yourself queer, girls are like you need to call yourself queer.
I'm like you've touched a girl's shoulder okay right, you are not.
I marched, I.
I fist, I have i've had been married, have children.
Like, don't tell me.
I'm like one of the first people who you know i'm old school, like I. First of all, i've never marched.
I can barely get out of bed.
I was just gonna say, where did you march?
Nowhere.
I've never let me know what thing you marched at.
I will lie and say that I marched as well.
Yeah, i'm like.
Where did we at the Garden City Hotel brunch I I marched as well.
I marched right from the maitra d to the table and then ready to complain.
I'm a Jew.
I've only marched to the matrix and said I don't like my chicken.
Oh, by the way, it's like, and this is why I didn't last in Austin Texas.
You need Jews to make things good because they have to complain.
You're right.
Wasps don't complain.
I know they don't even like to look the waiter in the eye.
You're right.
The wasps don't even like to acknowledge that they're there in in an establishment with people lower than them.
Jews will complain.
You need that.
Elderly people complain, elder, every elderly per if they can speak.
Every elderly person complains.
That's right, all of them.
I have a joke, my I had dinner with my mother and she said, I don't like this chicken salad.
I'm like it didn't even come yet.
Right, it's in the kitchen and you're already complaining.
They love it there, it's.
It's constant complaining.
It's all they do.
Yeah, because that's what's left, but that's kind of like.
Caitlin' what 70 Caitlin?
74, 74 Jessica.
She's an elderly person.
Look at her face.
Wait, 74.
She really honestly, 74 Jessica.
I have no I, I obviously.
I have no issue with the trans.
I think trans women are hot, like a lot of women are, but I.
The fact that she is homophobic in so many ways well yes, gay marriage and again is insane, but it's.
It's interesting because not all gay people and trans people will get along.
And I guess Caitlyn Jenner she's also 74 right, I mean she's a.
Here's the other thing, she's old right, she's like an old person.
Well, so I know, but she's Hollywood, like she's been around.
Yes, so it's.
I think she does a lot to be in the spotlight and she does think she really believes everything she's saying.
Come on seriously, I don't know.
Here, there she goes, i'll say it, retarded, That is the funniest thing.
What?
But this is a fun, you know, I think she's fun.
I know.
I don't know what's going on.
I know you think it's fun.
I get it.
There are, but there are so many.
But she's not the president.
I get it.
She doesn't have any power.
She just flies a plane.
But there's a lot of homophobic and anti-trans people who are getting off on this.
They love it.
But are they getting off on her?
They're thinking it's amazing that a trans person is being anti-trans and anti-gay.
I think it's kind of like a circus.
So I look at it as like it's part of the circus.
But it's funny to me if you're homophobic and anti-trans and that is your leader.
That is the funniest thing to me in the world.
That your leader is a seven-foot-tall Caitlin Jenner.
It's hilarious.
But there's Ellen with her.
Can we get that up?
Can we play that or is that going to happen?
Have you heard anything about Ellen?
I mean.
Yeah, Ellen's not great, huh?
No.
Ellen is an angry vagina.
Why is she so mad?
Well, she doesn't have enough money.
She's like a billionaire.
Ellen, I've heard so many things about Ellen.
I've never met her.
Right.
But I've heard that she is just not a nice person.
I mean, I've heard that from personal people who've worked for her, not just Reddit.
And I know people who have worked in major positions for her on her television show.
I know people that have worked for her as well.
I know a writer that works for her.
Very good friends who have worked in major positions.
She's tough.
She's very tough.
And they've all said the same things.
I also never liked the fact that she didn't have comics on her show ever.
She had like Amy Schumer.
I think.
She did not have a lot of comedians.
And as a female comic, or as a comic, period.
Forget about female, male.
I would always have comics on.
I would always support comics.
She doesn't seem to like comics.
She doesn't like, I don't think she, first of all, she, and she only likes clean comedy, doesn't she?
Is she one of those?
So does Bill Cosby, who rapes people.
Right.
Or maybe he doesn't like the Holocaust Never Happened.
You know, I don't.
Yeah.
We're still waiting on the info.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Well, it is, it is weird that she never had a lot of comics.
She only had really A-listers.
And then like she would select people that wrote somebody write a letter, right?
Like my.
Well, maybe if the comic had one eye and was dying of rectal cancer, she'd have rectal cancer.
It was always something like that.
She'd go, hey, we just got a letter.
Yeah.
Like this comedian has one eye and rectal cancer and we're going to give him a bike.
You know what I mean?
And he can, they'd show up to his house and he'd be like his ass would be bleeding.
She would go, I have a tricycle outside.
We're here for you.
Oprah and Natural Thinness00:11:38
And he'd be like, you know, something like that.
But she never had someone on her.
She liked people that were on their way out.
Yeah, of course, because there was no competition for her.
She liked people who were dying.
Right.
Only they all like people who's going to die because it's less competition.
Yeah, they go, bring somebody on stage four.
They don't even want a stage two.
They go, bring somebody on stage four.
It's never someone who's going to be okay.
No, let's give him something and let's get him out of here.
Let's let's win.
Let's get some good vibes from the audience.
My dream is to meet Oprah.
Oh, we want to have you on.
We heard that your daughter wishes to meet me.
Yeah.
I want to meet you, Oprah.
I'm not feeling.
Well, we love you.
You're gonna have a peaceful time in heaven.
Hallelujah.
Oh, God.
Have you met Oprah?
No, I would die if I met Oprah.
I really, she's one of those people I would, I don't even think she's real.
I think she's just a wax figure.
She's one of the few people that...
They still retain that aura of like crazy celebrity.
Yeah.
Where you're like, God.
I met Madonna and I saw it.
I saw Gail King at once in first class and it did nothing for me.
That's Oprah's lover.
It is Oprah's lover.
I know clearly Oprah's lover.
100%.
100%.
I always thought that.
Of course.
Yeah.
Of course.
I also think, I think Steadman and Charles Barkley are together.
Yeah.
Is Stedman real?
This guy that's...
No, I think he's just a tree.
I don't know.
Well, it was just funny.
It was like back then, everybody, like Rosie O'Donnell had a fake relationship with Tom Cruise.
Like everybody just had to kind of come along.
Yeah.
Right.
And everybody had to kind of just, you know, be that.
I know.
No, they're definitely...
Are they holding hands in that picture with Steadman in the back?
No, just the angle.
Oh.
No, but they're lovers.
Your pointer thing was just on Oprah's nipple.
That was hot.
Yeah, they're looking.
And Steadman, though, look at Stedman looking out.
Yeah, he's like, why am I here?
What did I say?
What a great job for a guy to get.
He Oprah's fake husband.
Yeah, fuzzbin.
I know.
You just live in that big estate in Montecito.
I mean, wow.
I bet Oprah's the bottom.
Oh, for sure.
Well, she's so, she's such a top in life.
Yeah, exactly.
I bet Gail.
I bet Gail beats her with self-help books.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I think Gail dangles like a French patient in front of her face and then says, you're a dirty little whore and then throws it out of the kitchen window.
And then Oprah just gets all, you know.
Oprah's now in Ozempic.
I love that it all like Oprah's, by the way, had 50 trainers, 45 chefs, every diet.
She brought in, she used to have this chef Rosie cooking with Rosie.
Then she had this other chef.
And now she's like, let's just do it.
Shoot up.
I get it.
Do it.
Do it.
Why not?
Why not?
Listen.
She's had every chef you can, every chef.
Didn't, yeah, didn't she put an axe in her mouth once?
I mean, she's done everything.
She's done everything that she can do.
They've locked her throat up.
They've tried.
They've locked the kitchen.
Her house is so big in Montecito, she has to drive to her kitchen.
And she still does it.
She still gets in her car and drives to her kitchen, changes lanes, parks, and goes to the refrigerator at 2 a.m.
She cemented her mouth shut once.
Yeah, and she has to.
None of it helps.
None of it helps.
She hired Caitlin Jenner to sit by the refrigerator with a gun.
Nothing will do it.
She once covered her mouth with Caitlyn Jenner's penis.
Still didn't.
But I mean, that shows you it's like, I mean, look at that house.
Get her house up for a minute.
I mean, that is like a fairy tale.
Disney Palace over there.
That is insane.
That is insane.
And she just walks the halls.
She doesn't, though.
Yeah.
I mean, before Ozempic, she didn't even walk to the bathroom.
But here's the thing.
So what about her school?
She had owned a bunch of schools and then they got in trouble because the girls were being trafficked or something.
She just hasn't bad press.
What happened?
I don't know.
I heard there were a lot of flyers.
after the old girl school opened in 2007 a school matron virginia tiny macapo was charged with sexual molesting several person yeah but then some was it a little person that sexually molested i'm gonna fuck you i was a little tiny person follow the little pussy follow the all right wait what wait a second Was that what happened?
Oprah Winfrey, Girls Academy in the spotlight over claims of abuse of power.
I don't know what remember this.
She has all these schools in like Africa.
And then I think at these schools, they were having lots of problems.
Well, her spiritual advisor also, when you get too rich, you get like a guru.
You get a spiritual advisor.
It's way out of control.
And I think her spiritual advisor went down for like being like all spiritual advisors, by the way, like a serial rapist.
You know what I mean?
This is just what happened.
I love that you just said all spiritual adults.
Many of them are right.
Many of them have that problem.
All these cults.
It's the same.
Yeah.
Oprah's spiritual healer sentenced to 99 years in prison for rape and trafficking.
Yeah, but look how hot he is.
He calls himself John of God.
Yeah, I mean, I think you, you, you.
Is that my stepfather, Hal?
You get so rich.
Like, Oprah's gotten so rich.
She's like, I just gotta keep looking for the meaning of it.
One thing that shocks me is how easily taken in rich people are by grifters.
Did you just read what it said?
I totally agree with you, but I'm sorry.
Girls were forced to have babies to sell.
Oh.
He allegedly operated in Brazil running farms of young girls who are forced to have babies to sell.
Victims are often reported missing or murdered after 10 years of giving birth per multiple outlets.
Oh my, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
And this is Oprah's spiritual advisor.
She endorsed him a decade ago.
This is deserved.
Isn't it funny?
She hopes.
Justice is served.
She hopes.
She's not going to do anything about it, but she really hopes it's taking you think she'd go like, hey, I was wrong on that one.
Hey, guys.
She can't take responsibility.
Johnny got like those 18 diets I recommended.
I was wrong.
My spiritual advisor turned out to be a human trafficker.
And all the chefs I brought on that made me thin, none of them worked either.
Because they all know how to make pancakes.
You know, she would move them into the house.
Like literally, they would put, they would have these.
My grandmother was like the biggest Oprah fan every day at 4 p.m.
Really?
She watched Oprah.
Like every Long Island woman ever.
Yeah.
And then like Oprah would like be with, she'd bring in these chefs and she's like, this is the chef.
And it was like chef Rosie or chef whoever.
Yeah.
And then, you know, eventually they'd put out a cookbook.
They'd become millionaires.
Right.
Multi-millionaires.
Multi-millionaires.
And then Oprah, like, I guess, then they would just get axe.
I don't know what happened.
I guess Oprah was just weight.
She wouldn't lose weight.
Maybe she ate them.
And then she wanted to more food.
She's like, I want candy.
Get the fuck out.
Did you ever read that Bethany Frankel book?
You know, the housewife from New York?
I texted with her the other day.
I'd never really spoken to her.
She's friends with Whitney Cummings.
She's a sweet woman.
But her book is like naturally thin.
And you read the book and it's like, just don't eat.
Like, that's the whole point.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
It's just so funny.
That's not okay.
No, I know.
She's like, I'm a food addict.
I'm an addict.
You and I talked about this a million times.
I'm in recovery.
I'm a food addict.
I can't have one piece of bread.
I fuck my face with bread.
I talked about this before.
Don't eat.
Okay.
Don't do crack.
Yeah.
Don't do that.
Dethany's, she'll be like, eat the rainbow.
That's one of her rules.
She's like, eat the rainbow.
How do you eat a rainbow?
I want to find out because I love Skittles.
What does that mean?
Don't eat the rainbow.
Eat different colored food.
She's like, then she has one where she goes, taste everything, eat nothing.
And it's like, okay.
Okay.
I sorry, but you know what?
Can I do the show with her?
This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my whole life.
What?
Has she ever heard of addicts of addiction?
No, I think that I guess it's advice for people that don't have any of those issues.
Okay.
Does she say that?
She needs to say that.
Say it.
But if she says it, then I have no problem with it.
If she doesn't say it, it's not okay.
Housewives that are bored.
But if, okay, that's fine.
Perhaps.
But if she needs to say that, because if it's for all women, then it's very, it's a fancy.
Listen, listen, ready?
It's all a misconception.
Being naturally thin isn't some state of being beyond your grasp.
You are naturally thin.
You just have to make a few simple changes to look at.
Everyone's naturally thin.
Yeah, that's not.
That's not true.
It's genetic.
It's not true.
She goes, I found the secrets.
I got naturally thin for life and I want to share those secrets with you.
I, I, I, okay.
I, I, my mother had all the diets.
My mother had everything, every diet known to man.
You're not naturally thin.
It's, it's all, a lot of it is.
It's what you come from.
No, I'm saying, I'm sorry.
I should not have said that.
Some people are born and they're going to be thin.
Yes.
A lot of it's genetic.
Yes.
A lot of it is genetic, a lot.
And some people don't have to worry about it.
They don't have the issue.
They don't have.
But a lot of people have to think about it.
And the poison in the food system in America is terrible.
It's horrific.
It's not good.
Horrific.
And in other countries, like the one I'm in right now, while people are watching this, they are not allowed to put plastic and ranch dressing or like, they're not even allowed to really have ranch dressing, but like they're not allowed to have the level of poison that we have in the food.
We allow it.
We allow corporations to do anything they want.
And if they want to pollute food that children eat, they're allowed to do it.
In other countries, they say no.
But we have to do it.
In other countries, they don't have like cookie ice cream sandwich breakfast cereal.
You know what I mean?
Like other countries will not have like waffle bacon bomb breakfast cereal.
They're not allowed.
It's franken food.
We have franken food.
Our food doesn't even make sense anymore.
It's like confusing.
Like there was a dish of Denny's.
It was salted caramel, bananas, foster pancake.
Steak.
Steak, right?
Chicken fried steak.
It doesn't even sound good, half of it.
No, it doesn't.
No, it's so franken food.
It's all weird.
Yeah, peanut butter, lamb chop, franken food.
Too many, too many things that are going on at once.
Growing Up Watching Seinfeld00:05:04
I know, because people are out of control.
And I understand if you're okay right now in this world, there's something wrong.
You're a killer.
Well, that's right.
There's something wrong with you.
You're a full-on sociopath.
Yeah.
You really are.
But you know what?
Just listen to Bethany.
Just don't eat.
Well, taste the rainbow.
Eat the rainbow.
Okay.
I'm sure it works for some people.
Of course it does because they don't have a food issue.
And they can just do that.
Just like someone can have one drink or a sip of a, I, okay.
That would be like if you, yes, if you wrote a book about alcoholism, you said.
You have the same thing.
Just try a bunch of different wines.
I don't eat bread.
I haven't had bread orally in three years.
Right.
I have a Kaiser roll in my asshole, but I haven't had bread orally in three years.
I don't eat pasta.
I don't eat cookies.
I don't eat cookies.
I can't.
I can have one cookie.
I will eat 846 of them in a week.
Of course it is.
Yeah, for sure.
And that's how I lost a ton of weight.
I'm addicted to food.
Yeah.
But some people are not.
They don't have to worry about it.
Caitlin Jenner's not.
No, she's addicted to being homophobic.
She might be the only healthy person in this country.
Caitlin Jenner.
No, I think there's some other ones too.
I think there's a lot.
Who would you freak out to meet?
I'm dying to ask you this.
Like, what celebrity?
Like, who's the, if there's one or two or three.
Woody Allen.
Let me tell you why.
But let me tell you why.
Because he's also a child.
But I want to know if he's guilty or not.
I want to look in his eyes and go, is it, is it the problem?
Did you do it?
I think the extra, the added thing of like, yes, I grew up watching all of his movies and I think he's brilliant.
But also that added thing of meeting him and just trying to make a judgment.
Like, do you, right?
What?
Right.
Right.
If I looked in there, would I see anything?
But I don't know.
Maybe I wouldn't.
Maybe I wouldn't know.
He's also one of those Oprah-like figures to me where like he's only going to be on earth for a little while longer.
He's kind of a staple in New York, the city that I love and I grew up in.
Well, he's around a lot of kids.
Do you think he did it?
Yes.
Yeah, it's not, I know.
But I understand when people do, like, I don't judge people for their opinions.
Like, some people don't.
No, I was with him to like episode three or four in that documentary, and then that was the rough one.
Yeah.
There was one episode where I went, oh, no.
Yeah.
It's like, fuck.
Everyone was like, but you got to see episode four or something.
And then I'm like, okay.
Yeah.
And then I watched it and I was like, damn it.
Cause you don't want it to be true, obviously.
Yeah.
Did you, who else?
Anyone else?
That I would freak out to meet?
Yeah.
O.J. Simpson.
Because not only, no, I'm kidding.
Who would I freak out to meet?
Who would I be that it would be really cool for me to meet?
I think it would be really cool to meet like a David Letterman because I watched him every night when I could when I was younger.
I never liked him.
Interesting.
Never.
I would always just have him on.
I think he's brilliant.
I think he's really smart, but I think he, I think there's two different kinds of comics, comic figures who are takers and givers.
And I've always thought he's a taker.
Interesting.
Yeah.
I've never, I never had any.
You're a giver.
I've always laughed at you because of that.
I've never had any knowledge of him other than he was this guy that was a brilliant guy that I watched.
He's brilliant.
I don't know.
Seinfeld would be interesting to me because I'm fearing.
Have you never met him?
I've never met him.
I'm kind of a fan.
In New York, you know what I'm saying?
His wife's a fan.
His wife likes what I do on Instagram.
Yeah, she seems to be.
I've lived in LA for five years.
Oh, right.
And then I'm on the road a lot.
I'm like LA and then on the road.
Then I'm here occasionally.
I'm here in the summers and stuff.
I might see them this summer.
He'd be cool because again, these are people that you grow up watching.
Yeah.
And they take on, you know, David Spade in LA that I hang out with Spade while at dinner.
He's amazing because I grew up watching Spade.
Yeah.
It's weird when you start hanging out with someone that you were a fan of.
That's quite weird.
It's really, really weird.
It's wild.
Yeah.
And when you're with someone who's a huge celebrity and you're like, they are so normal that, and people freak out over them.
Yeah.
Or you meet people and immediately you're like, oh, like, that would have been great to not.
Of course.
You know?
I wish I didn't know that.
There's a lot of, there's a lot, because to me, I'm like, a lot of people that I'm fans of, I don't need to meet.
A lot of great actors, I just, they're great and I could leave them.
Yeah, I know.
As actors and they don't, you know?
Yeah, I know.
It's not.
I feel like the people who are not always, but for the most part, the most famous are the easier for me to be around.
It's like the people who are not like hungry and trying.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, people that are kind of, you know, we were in Nobu the other day.
Taylor Swift was there, DiCaprio was there.
Travis Cassie.
Robert Te Niro, who I know you know.
They were all there and they're all just, you know, and then people freak out over them.
But like, by the way, I think that's happening less and less.
I think so too.
It's not like it was.
It's not like it was.
I think it's dying down.
I think ultimately the future is, you know, it is that Andy Warhol quote, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Yeah.
Life in the Basic Burbs00:14:30
Now I have to ask you about Travis and the fuck is her name?
Well, who is her name?
Oh my God, I'm forgetting the most famous singer in Taylor.
Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift.
Yeah, I think he's hot.
And I don't even, I'm not in, I mean, obviously, not with men.
Is he hot?
He's a good looking guy for sure.
I mean, he seems gorgeous.
He's a good looking guy.
He's beautiful, but like.
They're very pretty people.
They seem happy.
They seem, you know, I'm not a huge fan.
I don't, I don't, I think she's very talented, but it's not, I've never been like a, I've never been like head over heels.
Me too, because she's too, it's, I know her.
It's just too positive.
Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, it's all good.
I need to be like, I'm dying in the corner, slit in my wrist.
Yeah, that's why the 90s were awesome, man.
Yeah.
Weren't the 90s great?
Amazing.
Every song was like, I killed you.
You killed me.
We killed each other in the kitchen.
Every song in the 90s.
I stabbed my mother.
I stabbed my father.
My kids are dying and I'll never felt better.
That was why the 90s were great.
Burn me alive in the kitchen.
Burn me alive in the temple of hell.
That's what I want.
I want those bitches back.
Those fucking Fiona apples and Tracy Bonhams and Alanis Morris.
I was just going to say Alanis Marshall and people that were just like, I drank a beer and crashed my car into a whoa.
Yeah.
You looked at me with eyes of hatred in the morning.
My daddy, you died with the guns in your head.
And now every song is like, we were sitting on your porch and we were drinking the tea that your mother made.
We were sitting in my old car.
I missed that car.
Everything's nostalgic.
I missed that car.
Everything's nostalgic.
Everyone is so broken.
All these whole Eris tour is a bunch of broken people that want to relive summer camp at Camp Onondaga when they first heard this crap.
I just can't.
I just want like, I was alone when I was born and I'll be alone when I die.
When I die.
I mean, please kill me.
Please, my baby.
Kill me.
Stab me in the throat.
Now it's like, my mother, the bond that we have is so simple.
Simple like the honey in the tree.
Well, it's like, it's also like very like, I get it because it's like an 80s or back because we went too crazy.
Yeah, but it's too positive.
Everyone wants to die now.
It's not real.
It's too positive.
It is very like.
Can you imagine singing like that?
How do you say?
I think now, and I've discussed this with people.
My theory is that this is the revenge of the basic, right?
Right.
Like the basic bitch.
And it's not a gendered thing.
I know a lot of guys that are basic bitches too.
So don't give me that.
What do you mean by that?
Meaning it's the live, laugh, love, Ugboot wearing, kind of Nashville.
Burn it all down.
It's like very basic, kind of heavily sedated, somewhat medicated, which is fine, but like, you know what I mean?
It's like very basic, like kind of white women energy, like offended at everything, but not really.
And then also like very basic.
There it is.
There it is.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like Starbucks.
It's like...
It's the TikToks, too.
Yeah, it's just very basic.
I think that people like that now are ascendant.
Yeah.
And the culture is reflecting that because we went through this traumatic nightmare hell of COVID, right?
Yeah.
Where we understand coming through that people, the basic is back.
It has to be.
Because everyone's trauma.
Every podcast now is like two girls and it's called Avocados in My Cunt.
And it's about dating.
That's hot, by the way.
And then I have an avocado.
That's wrong with it, but it's just like it's two women who discuss dating for 36 hours a week.
And they're like, oh, my God.
I just tell them, like, if they don't call me back, I'm like, don't try me again because, like, I'm not going to be ghosted.
You know what I mean?
It's really about something.
Right, right.
It's that.
It's that.
It's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, it's like, welcome to Bathroom Talk.
I'm Sarah and this is Shauna.
And we're here.
We have 1,500 hours of content on our Patreon if you want to subscribe where we discuss what it's like to get fisted and then have to meet the guy's parents an hour later.
And it's like, I can tell he's smelling his fist every time at the restaurant.
I'm like, so uncomfortable.
Fisted.
We're going on a live tour.
It's called Bathroom Talk Live.
Get those vapes and those cigarettes.
Prop open the window.
We're ditching biology.
And there are billionaires, by the way.
Billionaires are selling out arenas.
They're billionaires.
There are billionaires.
But it's the revenge of the basic.
And God bless them and God love them.
We love them.
And it's just the revenge of the basic.
As somebody who looks at culture and finds it interesting, it's the kind of the basic thing has returned.
You know what's nice, though?
They like ass play.
Yes.
Yeah.
Of course.
No, one positive thing about it.
It's a great thing that the ass is opened up.
Yeah, it's very open and it's accessible.
Oh, yeah.
Safari.
Polerina.
Do you like the burbs?
You live in the burbs.
Speaking of ass, do you like the burbs?
Do you like the suburbs?
I do.
I like the greenery.
I like the lawns.
At this point, yes, because I miss being in the city.
And I miss most of my friends live in the city.
And it's just more comfortable for me.
But I would never, you know, I can't live.
Of course.
I mean, eventually, yes.
But like, you know.
Do you like LA?
You hate it?
I don't hate LA at all.
I love going.
I'd only, I'd live there to like film something for six months, but I couldn't live there full-time.
Now, why does everyone say that?
Well, because I am such a New Yorker.
I grew up in New Jersey.
It's in my blood.
I'm not a Long Islander.
I live there, but I'm really sorry.
Long Islanders can transition to LA.
I know.
I'm not a Long Islander.
I live there, but I'm not a Long Islander.
Long Islanders, for whatever reason, can do it.
And it's the burbs.
I love Jersey.
We love the Burbs, and LA is just the Burbs, so we can do it.
People suck there, but people suck where I'm from.
Right.
It's a lot of shitty.
I know where you're from.
You know where I'm from.
I know it very well.
And it's very similar to LA people.
Yeah.
Like those Jappy girls and Jappy guys and just all of us that tried to be Jappy, but we were Catholics and didn't have money.
All of that is in LA.
They're just Persian.
I know.
It's the same.
And then people who want to be, it's the same thing.
Right.
I mean, I love the weather in LA is absolutely perfect.
It can be.
Yeah.
I just, I love it there.
And I have a ton of friends there.
Yeah.
But I also would buy a big house in the Berkshires or something in the mountains.
Like, that's also me.
Sure.
Well, that's a lesbian move.
No, it's not a I'm not that kind of lesbian.
Amen like beaches and deserts.
Lesbians do like farms and mountains.
Am I a farm lesbian?
No, I'm not saying that.
I mean, I wouldn't even know what the fuck.
I don't even know what happened.
Every time we go to Whitney Cummings' house, all she does is promise there's going to be mega celebrities and it's always just Melissa Etheridge.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah.
But it's always just Melissa Etheridge.
And horrible food.
Really?
Whitney always brings in some woman chef who's wearing like horse leather and has a big Instagram presence and then like makes the worst food ever.
And I'm just, I go and eat Melissa Etheridge's pussy just so I can satiate myself.
That's how bad it is.
No, it's never good.
Whitney's never good.
But Whitney has a gorgeous house.
It's a fucking amazing house.
But she never kills it with the food.
Yeah, no, I'm not that kind of.
She doesn't eat.
I'm not that kind of lesbian.
She plays through and all these people at a certain price point.
In LA, certain income bracket you to the needle.
I get it.
Yeah.
But I'm not that kind of lesbian at all where I would want it.
But I like it as like the second home kind of go on the weekends, that kind of thing.
I always see you in like an inner ring suburb, like a suburb that's like close to the city.
You get in, do what you want.
That's my thing.
I grew up in New Jersey and South Orange.
It's kind of fun.
It's kind of nice.
It is kind of nice to get out.
It is.
I just like space.
I don't like feeling confined.
But the only way I would live in the city again, and this might sound gross, but I'm sorry.
It's the truth.
I'm not going to lie, is to have a big apartment.
I can't live in a tiny, I've done it.
I did it for years and I'm older now.
I can't live in a fucking tiny little apartment.
I just can't.
No, I know.
And I was very fat when I did.
So I would get stuck in the apartment sometimes, but I have to scissor my way out.
You know what I mean?
There's nothing wrong with that.
You know, it was, I was, I lived in, I was enormous and I would live in, seriously, just a room with like, it was crazy.
It's tough because everything is so expensive now.
It's so fucking crazy and it doesn't bear any resemblance to reality.
Yeah.
You're like, how in God's name are people paying for any of it?
And then you realize they're not.
It's a lot of laundered money, foreign money, oligarchs.
It's all right.
You told me about LA too, didn't you?
All LA too.
It's all the same thing.
You look at the price of everything and it goes way too much money for, and then you look at incomes.
You're like, who's making this money?
I know.
Who is making the money?
Who can buy a $14 million second home in Malibu?
It's a beach house.
No one lives there year round.
$14 million second home.
Yeah.
And then you start looking at all these rich people.
Oh, they own every, it's like a tiny frag, a small section of people own everything.
Yeah.
I've done fine and I own things too.
People are going to yell at me now.
They're going to go, you own a few days.
You've worked your asshole.
I've worked my ass up, but it's like nothing I have is as nice as what I would want.
And that's the real tragedy.
Truly.
No, I mean, it's truly most of us want.
Truly.
Yeah.
And I, you know, you also like, you don't still have a place in Austin, do you?
I do.
I rented it out to a man who screams.
I hired a woman who's a person.
She takes care of my properties.
Is that the woman in Florida?
No, it's a woman you know.
You actually know this woman.
I'm not going to say her name on the podcast.
I think I know who it is.
You know who it is.
Yeah.
She's very good at responsive at that stuff.
But he's torturing her every day.
Oh, no.
He calls her every day and he goes, I don't understand.
Are you guys going to like do the, are you going to renovate the...
Oh, get rid of him.
Yeah, he goes, are you going to renovate the playhouse out back?
And you go, that's a dog kennel.
It's not a playhouse.
I bought it from someone.
They had a Rottweiler.
He lived in that.
Is this kid playing in it?
His kid's like a baby.
So I'm like, if you want to do that, if you want to make that a playhouse, you can do that.
God bless.
But I'm not going to make it a play.
Like, this is a crazy.
So it's a crazy tenant who's making her life a living hell.
And then she calls me.
I mean, we pay her, obviously, but I feel bad because she calls me.
Well, why can't you get rid of him if he's that?
Well, he's got a lease.
Oh, okay.
And he's paying.
I know.
He's probably.
So you can complain.
You just got to pay.
I mean, the things he wants are just not realistic.
Right.
How long does he have a lease for?
Two years.
Jesus.
Yeah.
Wow.
Two years.
But I sold my house in LA, just sold, just closed.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
It's a beautiful home.
But it was, you know, there's a lot of geological issues where I was in Laurel Canyon.
That's where my stepbrother lives.
A mudslide took out Mulholland Drive.
There's a lot of geography.
There's issues.
There's issues there.
There's no issues in Hamptons.
None.
None.
Zero.
Hamptons is great.
And your house is beautiful there.
Yeah.
There's other parts of the country that there are no issues.
There's other parts of LA.
If I get a house again in LA down the road, it'll be by the beach or in a flat section.
I mean, look at the mudslide.
That's down the block from my house.
Really?
Yeah.
That took out the road.
Wow.
They just put the road back.
The winters in it.
Look at that.
That's down the block.
The winters in L.A. are getting so fucking crazy that we're having this in Laurel Canyon's the worst place to live.
It's all mud hills.
It's not like mountains.
It's like mud hills.
Yeah, Zach lives right where, what's where?
Well, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, I was up, but I'm done now.
So you can go kill the people that live there now.
You're not going to kill me.
I'm not going to be there.
That doesn't matter to me.
I'm gone.
If you're trying to kill me, it's not going to happen there.
I'm out of there.
So when you go, you just stay at a hotel.
Beverly Hills Hotel.
Love it.
It's the best.
And then eventually I'll get something.
I'll get something down the road, but I want to be flat.
I want to be on flatlands.
I would not, I honestly don't.
I hate driving up there.
But I don't want, yeah, I want out.
I get nauseous every time I drive up there.
I want to live like a Persian in the Beverly Hills flats.
I want the white couches and like crystal chandeliers.
I want to wear a burqa and I want to convert to Islam and I just want to be like that guy.
I love wearing a burqa because then I can fuck my face under it and no one sees.
No one, this is what I kind of want.
I kind of want to look who's that fat chick from the selling the Shahza Sunset, MJ, that fatty boom baddie.
Where's MJ from selling sunset?
Recession and Flat Land Dreams00:05:22
That's Gulnessa.
Gulness is on a Zempic.
She weighs 18 pounds.
Get the fatty, MJ, because that's why.
She's not on Ozempic.
Everybody's on it right now.
Right there.
Yeah, that's just where I'm going to dress.
She's chubs.
But look, look to the right.
That's chubby for LA.
That's not chubby.
Well, I understand.
She has huge tips.
This is what I want to dress like.
Go to the left.
Like her?
The second picture in.
The second picture in up right there.
Make that big.
This is how I want to dress.
Like her?
That's exactly how I want to dress.
That's how I want my hair to be.
I want to have a long hair.
I want you to come.
I want to be trans.
I'm not going to take off my dick, but this is what you're going to see.
When I get to LA, that's my perfect body in L.A. That's it.
If I saw you like that, I would laugh so hard.
I would throw up.
I know.
That's what I want.
That's the goal.
I'm not a canyon person.
I want to be by the beach or I want to be like in the suburbs and like Beverly Hills.
I don't like this canyon life.
I don't like where people from LA pretend to be cowboys.
I understand.
Look at the picture with the gold, her boobs.
Can you please?
Look how big the boobies are.
Oh, who's that?
What is that?
She's something else.
Is that a trophy?
I don't know who that is.
She's got some real.
I have never seen anything like that.
She's serious.
God bless her.
That looks like the platter my grandmother left me when she died.
I've never seen boobs like, I mean, they're just very condensed and like thick.
So horny.
I love it so much.
I love the.
Do you like boobs?
I don't mind them.
Yeah.
I mean, they're kind of like a food.
Morgan and Morgan is America's.
Listen to this.
Bentley CEO says low sales are from emotionally sensitive clients not wanting to show off nice cars in recession.
I don't believe that.
I don't either.
I don't believe that.
That sounds like a real interesting way to like find the soft numbers.
Yeah.
Oh, now they care?
They're upset.
Maybe they think they're going to be stolen.
Maybe they think the cars are going to be stolen.
But this idea that like people are sensitive about driving a nice car during the recession doesn't make any sense.
First of all, there's always a recession.
When has there not been a recession?
There's been a recession in my whole life.
Poor people.
There's never been a time there hasn't been a recession since I was born.
Yeah, there's always something happening.
Yeah.
And do you think anyone gives a fuck what people think about what car they're driving?
No, no.
They don't.
These people.
Do you think a rich person's like, I'm going to get a Camry so no one feels uncomfortable?
No, no, no one feels that way.
Wasps do it out in the Hamptons.
They drive beaters because they're like gazillion.
They're billionaires.
But like regular rich people, absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
They don't care.
But it's just funny.
There's some guy at Bentley who's like, we got to give somebody, we got to give somebody a justification for why people aren't.
I think it's a lot of it's crime.
People are worried about like the fucked with.
Yep.
That's what they're worried about.
You're totally right.
And I just think people aren't into them that much anymore.
Yeah, and people aren't into maybe nicer cars.
Right.
But I think really they're not just not as popular.
That's maybe what it is.
Yeah.
I really do.
I'd rather.
Even though our customers can still afford our cars, there was a level of emotional sensitivity that slowed down demand.
Complete lie.
Yeah, people are just too angry at their parents.
So they're not buying.
Well, there's still, by the way, I see a ton of, I have a Bentley and I see tons of Bentleys in Miami and Beverly Hills and the North Shore of Long Island.
There's Bentleys.
I see them all the time on Long Island.
And a lot of people have electric cars because gas is fucking stupid.
I was thinking that when you're in the middle of the time I fill up in LA, I go, this is kind of dumb to have.
This is kind of stupid.
Have you ever had an electric car?
No.
Yeah.
I don't like them.
I don't either.
They don't feel good inside.
I feel like teachers drive them.
I know.
Yeah.
And I hate teachers.
I feel like I'm on the ground when I'm in them.
That's right.
Yeah.
It just doesn't feel great.
It doesn't feel like you're being taken care of.
I feel in an electric car.
How do you think they're amazing?
You're a mother.
How are the children and the teachers and the college and the craziness?
And how is it out there?
Well, my oldest is going to college and I'm a little freaked out by the whole thing.
It just seems so intense right now.
It's like so, I don't know.
It's like, what is happening?
Can kids just go to college and have a great time?
I had the time, the best time in my life was when I went to college.
When you ever see America, I think she'll have a great time.
No, she will because that's who she is.
I think she'll have a great time.
But yeah, I think the pressures are different now than they were.
Yeah, I just want them to be kids.
There used to be a pressure where it was like, I got to figure out how to earn money and make a life for myself.
That pressure doesn't exist anymore because none of these kids think about that.
But now there's a pressure where they're like, I got to like live my dreams, know what my dreams are, live them, self-actualize, be mentally healthy, except my TikTok tells me I have 10 mental problems I may or may not have.
I know.
I got to make sure I'm being a good person.
I got to have the right opinions.
I got to be with the right people.
It's hard.
There's a lot of shit going on that I think pulls kids in a lot of different directions.
I also think they know too much and they're seeing so much online.
Dark Times for Kids Online00:02:33
And like when we, when I, sorry, I'll talk for myself.
When I was growing up, I really, literally had no idea what the fuck was going on in the world.
Right.
And it was better that way.
Yes.
Because I wasn't mature enough to understand really what was happening.
I wasn't educated enough to know what was happening.
And I'm glad I didn't know a lot.
I really didn't.
I knew it was too much.
It was, it was way, I knew there was like a war going on somewhere, but I didn't really understand it.
And it would have affected me too much.
I was too immature to understand.
And that was the war of 1812.
So your parents did communicate that to you.
We were still trying to hold on to the country.
We were dating ourselves.
I wouldn't want you to know.
I just want it back.
By the way, was there a better decade?
Jenco jeans, big jeans, coffee house with big fishbowl-sized mocha chinos.
Oh, please.
You slunk down in big purple chairs and you listen to an angry white woman scream about her trauma with a guitar.
Just screaming at me.
All you do is lie.
All you do is lie to me.
And they would all do that.
They'd go, yeah, me.
Yeah.
You don't even know who I am.
Why do you think I'm available when all I want to do is hurt myself?
I killed myself four times last night for you.
For you.
There was no better time.
You would smoke a joint in Long Beach, Long Island, and you would sit in a coffee house and you would listen to me.
I'm sorry.
I'm still on that.
I died last night.
I died today.
I'll die tomorrow because I'm going to hell.
Yeah, I mean, it's just like, I miss that kind of angst, that kind of little dark kind of dark.
Everyone you knew was kind of wicing.
Every girl was kind of wicing.
They had a healthy.
Everyone was suicidal.
Yeah, everyone was suicidal.
Everyone had a healthy relationship with the dark arts.
Yeah.
It was like Harry Potter before Harry Potter.
Oh, yeah.
It was just a fun decade.
Kurt Cobain, friends, Fraser, Seinfeld.
Yep.
Diners that served good food.
People didn't act like every job wasn't like, you know, you get on a train now in Long Island.
You used to be able to go like, you barely had a ticket.
You're like, oh, I don't have a ticket.
Confiscated Phones and AI00:05:49
They're like, whatever.
They didn't care.
Now every job acts like they're an extension of the Department of Homeland Security.
I know.
You walk into a frozen yogurt place.
You're like, how can I help you?
It's like everyone is enraged.
I've been doing a whole bit about that.
I'm like, I didn't force you to get this fucking job.
I know.
Can you not take this out on me?
Everyone's mad.
Enraged.
I'm like, can I have whole milk?
I'll get it soon.
Like, mom, why are you talking to me like that?
It just, during the 90s, no one took anything seriously.
You're right.
Everybody was a slacker and embraced kind of that Gen X who cares mentality.
Now everybody is both at the same time incredibly committed and incredibly incompetent.
Oh my god.
They're very committed to this job that they don't know how to do and are angry that they have.
So it's very strange.
They're like very official and also have no idea what's going on.
They're like, I'm the mayor of Starbucks, but they can't foam the milk.
And they, right, they're incompetent, but they're like, you need a code.
Like I go near the bathroom.
They're like, you need a code.
I'm like, hey, I'm National Security Advisor.
Relax.
You get frisked to go into the bed.
And dude, in the 90s, like people would just kind of kind of not care what you did.
Yeah.
They didn't really.
Everyone's filled with fear.
Now i'm serious.
It's true, they're seeing too much.
Oh my god, this all came down because oh, show that they confiscated the gavel.
Now this is Morgan AND Morgan the goddamn it.
What's happening?
They confiscated this gavel.
Morgan AND Morgan is the America's largest personal injury law firm and they've done the right thing by sponsoring the show with this gavel.
That says size matters.
Show the gentleman no, show him enjoying himself as he confiscates a gavel.
He's famous.
Now his friends will tell him he confiscated the gavel.
So all we have is this, wait, he took your gavel away.
He took the gavel because it it's a weapon and we're supposed to have it on the deck from Morgan AND Morgan, America's largest personal injury law firm, looks like Caitlin Jenners DICK.
Yes, it is.
They also confiscated that, but it is.
I just miss that kind of sensibility where people every day wasn't the most important day of everyone's life.
I hate to say it and it might sound like a malt and i'm on tick, tock and and all of it's 72 hours, like i'm on it constant, all day and night.
Yeah, I think it's amazing and I laugh at it constantly.
But it's killing our society.
It's bad, it's dead.
It's not even killing it.
It's we're gone.
What is it?
Is it just the constant burr?
Because i'm not on it I, so I don't have followers on it.
I don't care about it, i'm.
I'm on it.
I have a million follow.
It's bad.
I know you're killing.
It's bad.
I mean, I love my fans and i'm putting up clips.
You know crowd work because I put a.
I did a special for who I remember.
Why are you put all?
She only does crowd, i'm like, because i'm not gonna put my material up to you to see it and i'm not gonna make money.
You're an idiot um, but anyway, the point is, is that everyone's seeing too much.
It's so depressing.
It's like yes, some of it's funny, but there and and a lot of it is, you know it's, it's not real, they're not educated, they're, they're seeing one side and it's a lot of it's to get you um, angry.
Go, exactly.
It's again, it's addicting.
I'm I.
I get addicted to it.
A lot of it's very addictive.
It's very addictive, but it is a weird.
It's a weird thing to constantly be stimulated yes, by this app, by this algorithm.
That's job is to keep you engaged, and the only way to keep people engaged is either entertain them or piss them off.
And it's much harder to entertain people than it is than it is to piss them off.
So you can easily piss them off.
Think about, I mean, everything when we were growing up was conversations.
It was talking to someone, that's everything is on the phone now.
Everything right, everything is like everything.
Winky face, literally.
We covered this horrible story in Arizona um, that a kid was killed by these other kids at a party and they all went on snapchat and tick tock and talked about killing the kid.
Are you kidding me?
I swear to god.
So they all, they all have, they all have these.
You know, I went down there and I met the family of the kid.
It was pretty crazy did yeah, they're great people but, oh my god, they killed this kid.
But the the thing is these kids go on snapchat and start talking about it and all right, all right, come on.
They go on snapchat and can you find the snap?
Find the snap and they literally write, I just killed a kid.
I think I'm too strong.
It literally.
He wrote this, they're writing things on the sickest things.
Well, it's sociopath.
You can see how we are creating a generation of sociopaths.
That's what I mean, I have a whole bit online where nobody thinks the kids are the future.
Everybody's just concerned with AI.
We've given up on the kids.
Politicians don't even talk about kids anymore.
They used to.
Every politician used to just talk about kids.
No one does.
Everyone talks about AI.
If you even bring up kids, people go.
Who cares?
What about the AI?
Yeah, I hit a kid and this kid hit his head and then they kicked his head in and then I got word he died.
I don't know like they're communicating on these apps.
One of them wrote, I killed a kid.
I guess I'm too strong it's.
We're creating a generation of people on with this constant stuff we're creating there.
It is yeah, but there's a, there's a.
I don't know if they have that, but they.
That message is in the police report where he goes.
They all have these and they're all.
Obviously, they got warrants for all this information that came out of Snapchat and all this stuff.
Jessica Kerson's TikTok Tickets00:03:56
But it just shows you what's going on.
These kids were randomly attacking kids and putting it on TikTok Jessica.
They were putting.
They were randomly attacking kids and putting the beating, 16, 17.
Six or seven kids would attack a kid with brass knuckles, hospitalize him, film it and put it on tick tock.
This is how crazy it is.
So there are a lot of problems with the social media diet.
We're feeding these kids.
That's what i'm saying, and what and what they're.
Because when we grew up, people handled their anger somewhat differently and even if they fought, it wasn't, they weren't filming and they weren't trying to kill someone.
They weren't trying to kill someone and they weren't filming it and putting it on an app, which is psychotic.
It is real.
I know, you know what I mean.
It's real.
I watch fights sometimes and i'm like, why did I just watch?
See, that's what i'm saying.
Yes, I watch it with itself.
Right, and it's people in our generation would just go to a coffee house and go.
I spent last night alone.
Did you hear me crying?
Because I spent last night alone?
You think you want him, but you really want me.
I'll prove you right.
Come to my home.
I won't let her live if you don't come back.
I live on a couch.
I have a handshake agreement for rent.
My credit is shot.
It's it's, but that's the way people used to live.
People used to live.
Jessica Kirsten, you're one of the only people I enjoy having as a guest because you're funny.
Well, you're an insanely funny human being and it's a joy to have you.
Well, you're brilliant.
Well, stop it hysterical.
Of course, continue as long as you're.
I'm not jerking you off Tim no, please.
All right, I Will.
I'm really, at this point, I just, it's not working.
It's just not working my relationship.
Anyway, so I love you.
Not only are you brilliant, but you are, you're so fucking funny.
I don't laugh.
You know, I really don't laugh at a lot of comedians.
I can't bear to watch most of you.
I appreciate that.
But you're so knowledgeable.
I really, you're so smart.
You know, everyone says that that's a fan of yours when I'm on the road.
Yeah.
People are always like, I can't stop listening to him because he's so smart.
Well, no, I don't know if that's true, but that's very nice that they say that.
I think what's more impressive now is sort of my commitment to social justice and kind of raise elevating issues and things like that.
That's what I find impressive about myself, Curtis.
That's true.
Sort of, you know, what I've been doing and kind of focusing on the local issues, trying to bring them to the top.
Again, that would be my surmise.
But most comics are just like, that's what I said about you being a giver because most comics are like, I'm funny.
I want more and more and more and more.
And I think if you can make a difference.
I give so much to people.
I know, but my product is a very good person.
My producer will drive my Bentley back to the Hamptons and have that experience because I can't do it.
I have to get on a plane.
Jessica Kirsten, tell people.
But that's nice for him.
It's a two-hour drive and he can stop and have lunch on the way.
And you're young.
And he's young.
So to drive the Bentley to the Southampton, like that's not nice.
That's a nice thing to do for someone.
That's amazing.
Jessica, tell everyone where they can find you.
You've got a million on TikTok.
You just have all these followers.
Everyone loves you.
You're touring.
People are buying tickets.
They're enjoying it.
Yeah.
You can go to jessicakerson.com, K-I-R-S-O-N.
And I just filmed a Hulu special, which I think is coming out in December.
And I have a TikTok, Jessica Kerson.
I'm on YouTube, Jessica Kerson Comedy.
Yeah, like my social media is amazing.
I'm on Instagram, Facebook.
I post videos every day of, you know, of my crowd work and my shit.
Listen, thank you.
And go and follow her.
And before we get out of here, TimDylonComedy.com for all my tickets.