Tim dives into President Biden’s State of the Union, justice arriving for the Gilbert Goons, being a prosecutor, super commuting versus forever renting and homeless people’s favorite ice cream.American Royalty Tour🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/SPONSORS:FUMStart the Good Habit at https://tryfum.com/TIM to save 10% off the Journey Pack today.GametimeGet The Gametime App & Use Code: 'TIM'Morgan & Morgan:For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Biden's Drugs and Russia00:12:58
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
Joe Biden looked good.
He did.
He looked very good.
I mean, he's old.
We know he's old, but whatever he's on, whatever drug that they have him on is working.
It worked.
You know, I mean, he was a little overboard with like Russia's marching through Europe.
And I'm not commenting on the substance of what he said, but the aesthetic was like this guy came to fucking party.
He was doing crowd work.
He was going off script, going back and forth with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
I didn't know if he was going to be, yeah, he had a couple of clubs that were troubling, but we're used to them.
It's all about getting people used to the thing.
Everybody gets used to the thing that the press, like George W. Bush also couldn't speak.
And he would make up words.
And then it just became like, oh, it's fun.
It's fun.
You know?
So his Biden's thing is going to be, you know, every now and then he's going to go, you know, he's going to stop.
He's going to look like he's dead.
He's going to search for a word he cannot find.
And then he'll eventually get it.
And you're going to be kind of hanging on in that moment.
There's a few times during the State of the Union where you were like, it's almost done.
It's almost over.
Come on.
You got this.
You got it.
And you were hanging on to his word.
You know, you're like, whoa, what are you going for?
And he goes, you got a plane.
We'll go to my Moscow.
And then he goes, well, not Moscow.
He goes, but, but he goes, maybe Moscow.
Like he doubled back.
He saved it.
So that's what's going to happen.
And in the debate, I mean, woo, the debates are going to be just like hanging on for dear life to every word he says.
But it's made him kind of exciting again.
His ability to go in and do 90% of it, and then the other 10%, you're like, how bad could this get?
How off the rails could this get kind of makes him exciting.
And you're kind of like, whoo, it's kind of interesting.
Because there were a few times, there were a few moments during a largely coherent speech.
There were a few moments when he was deer in headlights.
He didn't know where he was going.
He didn't know why he had arrived at where he was.
He was lost.
You know, you could see it.
You could go, he goes, how did I even get here?
Forget like where I go next.
How did this happen?
You know, one of them was when Marjorie Taylor Greene was like, say her name.
And then he said the name of the woman killed by the illegal.
What's her name?
Lyle Lacey, Lincoln Riley.
He's like, Lee Riley, killed by an illegal.
And then he was lost for a minute because he's like, fuck.
How did this happen?
Do you have that moment?
I think so.
Yeah, here one second.
Let's see if we have that moment.
Because for a minute, he's like, how am I here?
How did I get to Lincoln Riley?
But all in all, a phenomenal job from a guy who is a corpse.
Whatever drug, I think it's called the Lazarus drug.
I think this is a drug that they put people on at the end when they're in like, it's stage four, but they still have to be the president.
Like, this is the final, this is what they've got.
Make no mistake, what he is on is the best they can do.
That guy at that podium is, you will not get that guy any other time.
You might get it in a debate.
Did you see when he was having ice cream talking about Israel and Gaza?
You're not going to get that guy in the ice cream shop.
You're not getting him in the Oval Office when he kind of doesn't know what's happening.
You're getting him very, very rarely that level of energy, that level of clarity, except for, again, a few, because nothing's perfect.
No drug is perfect.
Let's take a look at this.
Not really.
Here he goes.
Go to the pin.
Go to the pin.
Lincoln.
Lincoln Riley.
An innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal.
Good.
He says illegal.
That's right.
But how many of the thousands of people being killed by illegals?
To her parents, I say, my heart goes out to you having lost children myself.
I understand.
Good.
He brings it back to him.
How good was that?
No, but that was good.
I was shocked.
I was on the couch going, who the fuck is this?
Lincoln Riley.
And he's like, she was killed by an illegal.
Everybody's like, okay.
And then he's like, then he brings it back to him.
He's like, and my heart goes out to you, having lost children myself.
And everyone has to quiet down.
But then he's kind of now watch.
Can we watch a little more?
Because now he kind of doesn't quite know where he is right after that moment.
Right after that moment, he's a little confused.
He's a little befuddled.
Because, you know, you interrupted his flow.
He's been practicing this speech, you know, every single day.
And they interrupted him.
Marjorie Taylor Greene interrupted his flow.
And then he's like, so then the moment after that, he's a little all over the place.
Like he's not, but I mean, I was shocked.
It's not about him.
It's not about me.
I'd be a winner.
Not really.
There it is.
See?
There he goes.
Where is he?
Where is he?
What are you getting?
Get the pin.
Get the pin.
Get the gavel.
Morgan and Morgan.
Lincoln.
Lincoln Riley.
That's right.
An innocent young woman who was killed.
They should always have things for him.
That's right.
They should always have visual aid and props for him.
By the way.
Pick something else up.
But look, if we change the dynamic at the border.
This is right.
People pay these smugglers $8,000 to get across the border.
Keep going, Pop.
They know if they get by.
Oh, boy.
If they get by and let into the country.
We're there.
We're almost there.
That's correct.
And it's worth taking the chance of the $8,000.
Yeah, we're getting there.
Let's start to wrap it up.
It's only six months, six weeks.
Whatever.
The idea is unlikely that people will pay that money to come back to the world that way.
That's right.
They'll be able to be kicked out.
That's right.
Okay.
So it's moments like that.
You're on the edge of your seat going, where will it go?
But I like the idea of, hey, he has a pin.
During the debates, give him visual aids.
Give him props.
Let him pick something up.
and remind himself of what he's talking about.
If he has to reference somebody who was murdered, make a pin for all of the things he has to reference.
China should be a pin.
He picks it up and goes, China, Taiwan, Taiwan's a pin.
Everything should be a pin.
I like him with a visual aid.
He likes it.
He needs it.
I want it.
I like him going to like a Gallagher-esque bag, if you will, pulling out props, pulling out things.
Here we go.
Take a look at what I got.
He's got a big map of the border.
He gives it to Kamala.
He's got a big map.
This is a good gag.
It also buys him time.
You know, he's on a delay and the drugs are only working so well.
So any type of prop bag of wacky gadgets he can bring out during the debate is absolutely essential to keep this on track.
So I love him with this pin.
What a gift Marjorie Taylor Greene gave to him.
She didn't even know.
Look at her.
She's covered in pins, Marjorie Taylor Green.
She's got every pin.
Everybody who's got killed by an illegal alien, Marjorie Taylor Green has their face on a pin.
By the way, what store, is that a store I can go to in Florida and just buy dead people pins that were killed by illegal aliens?
There's got to be a store.
She's from what, Georgia?
She's the senator, congresswoman, whatever.
Who cares?
Is there a store in Georgia where people that have been killed by illegals, you can turn them into pins?
How does this work?
What a fun carnival attraction to just be able to go and go, hey, I'd love to put this face on a pin.
And they go, oh, is that, who is that?
Is that your wife?
No, it's a girl who was killed by an illegal.
Oh, it's a fun carnival attraction.
Any death that you want to politicize in this country, there should be a place for you to go, whether it's a kid who got shot at Sandy Hook or this poor woman who was killed by an illegal, you should be able to make them into a snow globe, a lava lamp, a pin.
You should be able, if you, you know, maybe you, I mean, really, you could do everything in this store.
You could have like, you know, the targets.
You could make people's faces targets if you don't like.
But no, dead people whose deaths you want to use as political pawns, you should be able to make them into trinkets and things to hand out.
Keychains.
If an illegal immigrant kills me, please make me into a keychain.
Please, for the love of God, make me into a keychain and hand me out to these, you know, whoever these are, these turning point USA people, who's ever excited to go to these conventions.
Make me a keychain.
Make me a nerf.
Maybe shoot little Tim Dylan balls out of a Nerf gun.
figure out a way where I can live on through a kind of a really schlocky, you know, knickknack.
It's a knickknack.
It's very interesting to just have the pins of dead people.
Do you think Marjorie Taylor Greene puts any of the pins of the kids who've been shot in school shootings on?
Probably not, right?
And then the Democrats, because the Democrats have all those pins of pins of all the black people who've been killed by the police and the school shooting people.
And then the Republicans have the pins of all the fetuses that have been killed.
And I mean, that's, you got to just do one pin per whatever, 10 million fetuses, right?
That these whores have flushed down the toilet in their part, in what they believe.
So it's just got to be pinned to pin to pin.
And I'm all for it, man.
I like this idea of turning, because we know in America that unfortunately, people are going to die in ways that we are going to then politicize.
This is just what happens.
Say her name.
So what we have to do is find a way to make those people into, you know, fun souvenirs.
Become a souvenir.
Die in a political way.
Become a souvenir.
Be handed out during a convention.
Become a pin.
Why not?
Do it.
Becoming a Political Souvenir00:15:20
I want to thank the good people of Arizona.
And I want to say you're welcome.
I want to thank them because with very little resources, very little, the citizens of Gilbert, Arizona were able to push the police to arrest seven people in the murder of this kid, Preston Lord, that we talked about on this show.
And I want to tell the citizens of Arizona, I want to say that you are welcome.
I don't need a pat on the back.
I don't need, but let's be very clear.
This is me.
I did this.
Let's be very clear about this.
I sounded the alarm bell nationally for this.
That's what happened.
I don't need someone to come over and call me a hero or write an article about me or make a documentary about me or say that, you know, they're amazed at how much of a humanitarian I am.
I don't need to stand on a stage with an award.
But let's be very honest.
I was the one pushing this story.
And yes, because it is because I want to make a film about it, partially, only partially.
I also want justice.
But I was the one.
And people said to me, why do you care about this story?
Why does it matter to you?
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you exactly why.
And I'm glad you asked.
I'm a capitalist, and I believe in things.
I believe I have virtues that I believe in.
When I heard that these low-rent Tybo gym-owning people or whatever were trying to cover up a murder of a kid, I'm like, you don't get to do that because you sling smoothies in the desert, dummy.
You only get to do that if you're a real blue blood elite.
You want to drive off a bridge with a chick in your car?
Your name better be Kennedy.
You want to go AWOL on the Vietnam War and then when people find out all of the buildings that house the documents that they could prove that didn't end up going on fire?
Your name better be Bush.
If you are not elite, I do not want you covering up murders because I believe in the country I live in.
Do you understand that?
Or do I have to explain it again to you?
I will not let the final days of this country, okay, the end stage of this empire.
I will not let the history of this be written by people that own smoothie cafes in Arizona.
You will not.
You will not be getting your kid out of trouble.
They will go to jail.
They will go to jail.
Now, initially, we made this into a whole Mormon conspiracy that wasn't true.
That wasn't true.
But it took the heat off the Jews.
Now, so never question my motives.
Do you understand?
Everybody's like, wait, are the Mormons covering up a murder in Arizona?
And then just, you know, stadiums of Palestinians just, oh, I didn't intend, it wasn't my intention.
It's what happened.
But Sam Harris made a good point.
Israel calls them all first, which I think is nice.
Israel actually calls the phone of every Palestinian they're going to kill.
This is actually true.
Many people don't know this.
They call them up and they're like, hey, what's up?
We're going to bomb you soon.
And it's nice.
I like that.
I like it.
I thought they weren't doing it, but they do.
They call, they text.
They send just a couple of fire emojis.
Watch out.
A couple of fires emojis.
It's nice.
It gives people, it's respectful.
But this whole, this, the reason that I got so invested in this case is because number one, injustice everywhere is a, you know, whatever that is thing, the threat to violence.
And what did Dr. King say or Shakespeare?
Right?
The cops, whenever there's a cop beating a guy, here's my point.
My point is that even these rat people that live in this sand hell, this sandpit where they think they have money, they don't deserve to be killed.
You know what I mean?
So the reason that I got involved was because I saw that there was not a national figure leading this movement trying to hold these people accountable, these goons, kids, these white kids, white demon devil kids.
Does no one watch this part of the show where I'm crusading for the imprisonment of white children?
Does no one, does somehow they skip this part and then only listens to the parts where somehow accidentally I say something glaringly racist because I had a bad experience at a tropical cafe or something and I'm holding someone's got to be held accountable that doesn't look like me.
But the point is, no one listen, I want these kids.
I was disappointed that they're not going for the death penalty because I think it's funny.
I love a good bit.
And you know, these kids are in high school.
They're 17, 18, but they're adults.
That's the line.
I say kill them if you can convict them.
Kill them.
Let me follow it up with this as well.
Get Renners.
That's the kick.
Can I say their name now?
If they sue me, I'll sue you back.
I mean, we can peep it, but his name's in public record.
Yeah.
If you sue me, you have no idea what I will do.
I don't have a family.
You have a family.
I don't.
Yes, your family is junkies and murderers, but I don't even have those.
So you have no idea what I will do.
I have all of my money is reserved for these things.
By the way, look at the judge in this case, please.
Is Arizona even a real estate?
Can you look at this judge?
Can you look, can you close up on this judge?
What is going on here with the fucking mustache of this judge?
He's one of the goons.
He's on the inside.
I watched this arraignment today and I looked at this judge and I'm like, is this even a person?
We don't have ad block.
Oh, it's AZ Central.
Take a look at this.
Look at this judge's handlebar mustache and his black rimmed glasses.
May I get you a seated big terrific in Williamsburg, sir?
Jenny Slade is absent.
Tim Dylan and Lisa Traeger will be on this evening.
But that's what you get.
Let me tell you what needs to be done.
Get Reynolds attorney up because she's no fucking joke.
I also, by the way, I mean, none of these people know how to, you know what I mean?
Like they don't.
This isn't really the state where people know how to dress.
Let's just be honest.
They used to be cowboy.
It's like a freak show over there.
Let's be, let's be very honest.
I know.
Oh, Tim, you were fucking...
Shut up.
I'm not saying I'm the thing, but I'm saying, let's be very honest, okay?
We got, this is Daria who grew up here.
So this woman is, now, by the way, the guy who's behind her is a real criminal who just does Deewees.
I looked him up.
I looked these people up.
He's a real criminal, but I like him.
You need a good criminal because he'll go plant evidence and stuff.
You need that.
He's a real criminal.
And they probably have something on him, this family.
Who I'm not completely, I haven't, I haven't completely, even though I am interested in justice, I haven't decided that I wouldn't work for this family in the future.
You know what I mean?
Like I have, like, I haven't written them off.
You know what I mean?
DMs are open.
That's my attitude on them.
Because I don't know everything that's going on here.
This bitch is good.
What's her name?
It's Christine Whalen.
Christine Whalen.
Now, here's the deal.
She might get these fuckers off for this one of them.
Taylor Talon.
There's two Taylons.
Talon, Talon.
Taylor, Talon.
They have all these weird names.
They're trash.
They have dumb names.
The point is this.
They're garbage.
They're horned fucking, you know, spiny toad.
I mean, this is a nightmare to this place.
Of course, not Paradise Valley.
Scottsdale, Paradise Valley.
Many friends, many friends.
The point is this woman could get...
So here's the deal.
Here's the reality.
I need to try the case.
I need to try the case.
If you bring in a lawyer, a DA to try this case, you may lose.
This bitch is good.
I'm better.
Okay.
The jury pool in Arizona will have a reading level of second grade.
Do you understand?
The average reading level in America is fourth to fifth grade.
The reading level in the Arizona jury pool will be second grade.
Okay?
on average, which means some of the jury will be reading it at the level of a kindergartner where it will be words and then the majority is pictures.
Okay, like my godson is three.
Monkey.
He goes, oh, you're not, it's just what you're dealing with.
I know how to get their attention with loud outfits and big sunglasses and big pops.
They're not going to care about the facts of the case.
If you think these jury members are going to care or even listen to the facts of this case, you got to find people dumb enough to not have an opinion on this, by the way.
This is the only news coming out of that state.
Literally it.
So you got to find people that are so dumb that they don't have a strong opinion on this, you know, or at least lie.
I'm telling you, you make me, you make me, the prosecuting attorney.
I'm telling you right now, I deliver a conviction.
I deliver a conviction because I will put on a show.
You have to put on a show.
Okay.
And this is not to disparage the residents of Arizona at all, but you're really, really stupid.
And that's not, and I don't mean to, and I'm not saying that in a negative way.
It's an I've observed that.
Okay.
Now, because of that, there are ways that information needs to be presented to you.
Okay.
I'm not above doing a freestyle rap for an opening statement.
Do you understand?
I'm not above that being like, you think you're a goon?
Leave the fucking room.
You know, he killed that kid, you know, but I'm damn, you know what I mean?
But you got to picture it with kind of with a very colorful hoodie with the kind of the 80s boom box.
You know, kind of really put the work in, put the effort into it.
He killed that kid.
They stomped out his head.
His parents tried to cover it up because they think they got bread, but they ain't got bread.
Listen to what I said.
Like, it's got to be rhyme.
I'm telling you, it's an Arizona jury box.
It's a bunch of lizards.
It's got to be rhyme.
It's got to be, am I above, you think I'm not coming out with a smoke machine for my closing statement?
You're out of your mind.
First of all, it happened on Halloween.
There's a Halloween party where this kid get killed.
Unfortunately, an RP to the kid, I pray there is a heaven and a God.
I always have.
And I think there kind of is, maybe.
I get more religious as I get older.
I don't know what that means, but I'm either getting more correct or more incorrect.
And no one will know and no one can call me on it.
The point is this.
I would have everyone come in a Halloween costume for the for the summation, the closing statement.
And even though that would seem very, very counterproductive and it would lose me a lot of the people who think it's a very heinous and disrespectful thing to do, people like dressing up legit.
You understand?
So if I'm going to recreate what happened at a Halloween party, I'm going to ask the jury and the members to everyone wear a costume.
Okay?
Now, this is unorthodox.
People just say to me, this is unorthodox.
Play Rachel Mitchell, this little goblin bitch, yelling at everyone on the Reddits and saying that it's wrong that we're circulating unsubstantiated conspiracy theories.
Bitch, I don't get a check.
Were you going to check?
I said, you know, and I read these Reddits.
I don't really post on them because I don't really know enough about Arizona to say anything, you know, other than that it's a hole.
I love this water.
Aquapana.
Sponsor the show.
No, play the press conference she had where she announced the indictments and then she told, she yelled at the community for going on Reddit and trying to solve the fucking crime.
Now, here's what happened.
Yes, were some members of the community wrong?
Did they impugn the credibility of the investigation to a degree?
Sure.
Did they launch unprovoked accusations at members of the community's children?
Yes.
Did they fuck up things to a degree?
Yes.
But everything, you know, it was the inertia that moved this case forward was the community demanding they do something because the Gilbert police have done nothing for years.
All these kids just attacking random people and then one of them died.
Lake Riley, say her name.
Lake Riley.
Lake Riley.
Fume App Ticket Discount00:02:29
She's a lovely young woman.
Kill my legal.
Lovely young woman.
Kill my legal.
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I like how it's weighted, perfectly balanced and extremely fun to fidget with.
How beautiful the real wooden shape are.
You feel cool using it.
You do.
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The Forever Renter Dilemma00:08:49
Now, this woman, I have respect for this woman, okay?
Because I've said a lot of negative things and I say them in jest about Arizona.
But here's the deal.
And this is why I respect them, okay?
This woman is no joke.
This Rachel Mitchell, who's doing handling this.
I respect that they got the penguin up here doing this.
Rachel Mitchell, please.
I don't want to cover up a microphone.
Am I okay here?
Sound noise?
Everybody?
Okay.
Good evening, everyone.
Today, a grand jury has indicted four people in the murder of Preston Lord.
And before I discuss the details of these indictments, let me remind you that we are talking about the death of a 16-year-old boy.
As I have said in the past, I have spoken with his family and they are in agony.
The loss of a child is unimaginable for most of us, but to live it is a whole new level of horror.
I do want to say this to all of those who have continued to post innumerable, unfounded, ill-informed theories on social media.
How dare you?
I hope you will pause and consider and evaluate the effect that you may have had on this family.
Yeah, it gave them hope.
Gave them hope, Penguin.
Because now you are about to see the crucial steps of the real legal process at work.
This has taken months, but not because no one was working on it.
Because we had to find the ring and then bring it to Mount Dean.
More about that in the moment.
All right, get her out of here.
I'm just saying, get her out of here, Rachel Mitchell.
We want the kids convicted.
I want them given the death penalty.
Okay?
I'm just saying that's not going to be easy to do, but I would like it to happen.
And I want it to happen.
And I want to be the one to try the case and then also to kill all of them.
Wall Street Journal is now profiling a man who is super commuting from Ohio to New York City every week.
He doesn't live in New York, but he basically said to himself, hey, what am I really going to do?
Let's watch this because this is a good, this seems like a good life.
New York.
To get to the office on time, I set my alarm in Columbus for 4.15 a.m. and then hustled to the airport for a 6 a.m. flight.
If everything goes to plan, I should make it to the office by 9 a.m.
I moved out of the city during the pandemic to be closer to family.
And when it came time to return to the office in 2022, I didn't quite want to return.
There were no good apartments within my budget, and I liked Ohio because it meant walks with my sister and short drives to see my parents.
So for doing some math, I thought I could keep my living expenses, super commuting plus an apartment in Ohio at around $3,200 a month, or about the price of a nice New York studio.
I've used points and miles to book flights and hotels, but ultimately ended up going over budget by 15% and relying on the kindness of friends who let me house sit in the city.
I've been doing this trip once a week for over a year.
I can't imagine those places.
Can you imagine getting that call that that guy wants to house sit again?
Like, first of all, he's a serial killer.
He's living in Ohio so he can go on walks with his sister.
What does that mean?
He's a killer.
The guy's a killer.
He seems like a murderer.
I live in Ohio.
It's nicer.
It means walks with my sister.
Play the rest of it.
But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
But for now.
I just made it into our office.
It's 9.51.
It's time to start the workday.
Yeah, I don't, you know, I, okay.
It's like, yeah, great.
People commute all the time.
The majority of people's life is commuting.
That's the majority of what people do.
That's really what it is.
That's why people listen to this show and other shows because people are always commuting.
They're always going from one place they don't want to be home to another place they don't want to be work.
And yeah, good for him.
I mean, listen, if he enjoys, and I'm sure he doesn't, but if he finds this is a financially financially feasible thing, then do it.
Do it.
Who cares?
I'm sick of judging people's lives, you know?
The other way to do it is being a forever renter.
Somebody is saying the average age of a renter now is 33 years old.
It was 29 a decade ago.
Owning stuff ain't for everyone.
I mean, I think you should, it should be the goal, but it's not for everybody.
So, you know, there's a lot of people that don't want to buy houses.
Very difficult.
And they don't have the money and they might not want the responsibility to buy fucking houses.
So what they do is they rent houses, you know?
And here's the deal.
The real estate expert said that a portion of forever renters are of the higher end demographic and have an eye for apartments with large scale rooms, sophisticated aesthetics and kid-friendly amenities.
So basically they're like, listen, we just, we don't want to buy.
That's not where we want our money.
We don't care.
We'd rather rent.
You know, if you rent, you just always are, you know, you don't have that security.
Somebody can always raise the price on you.
You know, somebody could always come in there and go, hey, I mean, this happens to friends of mine who live in Brooklyn.
They live in these little dumps, you know?
These things you'd never want to live in your life.
You would never want to live in these places.
You would never want to live in these places.
But every year they have to pay like $800 more a year for these apartments because the real estate market in New York is psychotic.
You would never, you would never want to live in these places.
But every year they, they just go, fuck it, I got to do it.
They have no other option.
That's the thing.
If you don't have any other option, you know, then you just have to kind of, and I think a lot of people are over real estate anyway as a, you know, people understood, like when, you know, when the boomers got it and then they went on that amazing ride with it, nothing appreciated more than real estate.
And very few things do, right?
I mean, if you have a great run in the stock market, you can, but real estate's still a very good investment.
But I think younger people don't look at it as glamorously because a lot of them saw their parents get divorced and fight over a house or they just remember a house as a place where somebody had a Halloween party and everybody killed a kid in Arizona.
You know, like it's not always, it's not always all amazing, the memories that people have in these homes.
And I'm sure they never were.
Most apartment buildings, especially over the last 10 years, have been targeting a 27-year-old and they have orange doodads as the design theme.
I don't know what that means.
We have a mid-Atlantic focused portfolio.
Our average renter 10 years ago is 29.
Today it's 33.
Soon it'll be 70.
Soon people will live longer and they will just rent and they will not buy a home.
And, you know, Because everything is so out of control in terms of money.
I've talked about it on the show.
Outside of forcibly evicting boomers from their houses and putting them in mental institutions and then putting those houses on the market, I don't know what else you can do.
Truly, I don't know what else you can do.
They won't stop or retire.
It doesn't seem to be happening.
They certainly don't want to sell.
So you're just going to have to deal with the apartment.
You know, until you regroup, until Bitcoin's up.
Bitcoin's going back up.
It's going back up.
Stealing Ice Cream from Salt00:10:57
Get on the ride.
Get the house if you want.
This is not a financial advice show.
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San Francisco homeless steal salt and straw, even they have a favorite flavor.
Store manager claims homeless steal five to 10 pints a day.
Their favorites are chocolate gooey brownie and salted malted cookie dough.
Those are the best flavors.
Such a fun idea to be a homeless guy eating ice cream in America, you know, to be a homeless guy in San Francisco eating ice cream.
There's something really fun about that.
It's kind of like you did it.
If you're a homeless guy, right, like here's the two ways you know you've done it in this country, right?
You're like Ken Griffin.
You're the CEO of Citadel and you just own it.
Every city that you go to, inevitably the guy that owns the most expensive apartment is Ken Griffin, no matter where you go.
It's just, it's what he does.
You go to Palm Beach, he's got a billion dollar house.
You go to New York, he owns a 220 million.
You go to Chicago, he's got a thing.
No matter where you are, Ken Griffin has the most impressive piece of real.
Doesn't matter where you are.
Go to Detroit.
He's got a whatever.
He's got something.
You know what I mean?
Gary, Indiana, what's the nicest fucking shack?
Ken Griffin has it.
So that's one way to know you've made it in this country.
The other way is if you are a homeless guy in San Francisco eating chocolate gooey brownie, you know, having fun eating salted, malted cookie dough in San Francisco, just homeless and eating ice cream in San Francisco.
Those are the two archetypes of person that you can be now.
You can be Ken Griffin or you can be a homeless guy in San Francisco eating ice cream.
And you know, if you work there, you can't say anything to them when they take the ice cream.
You can't say anything.
You go, okay.
You go, cool.
Hey, like the best case, you go, hey, that's all right.
Okay, so that's, all right.
This is, this is the responses.
All right, would you like?
Sure.
And they just leave.
They just run out and leave.
You know?
And that's the only thing you can, that's the only thing you can say if you work at Salt and Straw, because somebody comes in there, they grab the ice cream and they and they leave.
Why doesn't everyone steal it?
You know what I mean?
That's the real question.
It'd be great if everybody just all like, what if homeless people just stopped doing fentanyl and they all started stealing ice cream from Salt and Straw and they were all just 500 pounds just going there and taking ice cream.
I love the idea of that, that homeless people in between other things are just going in there and lifting ice cream.
Salt and Straw is a Portland company.
This is their whole thing, right?
Just give homeless people free ice cream.
Just do it.
I know the Republicans will get mad at that.
Who cares?
You've made homelessness, you know, already like a thing that people are going to do in your city, San Francisco, where if you're homeless, you get ice cream.
Stop with the fentanyl.
Have a Sunday.
Start marketing that.
Have a cone.
Needles for cones?
How about that?
You go to Salt and Straw, you give them a needle or a gun that you found, and they give you a nice ice cream Sunday.
I don't think that's a bad idea.
You come in, you go, hey, I think this is fentanyl, but I don't know.
Oh, well, thank you.
We're not calling the cops.
Thanks for turning it in.
So anyway, would you like to try our goat cheese and olive oil?
They're like, no, I don't want any of that shit.
They're like, yeah, we'll give you the brownie.
It's nice that the homeless aren't falling for the bullshit salt and straw flavors, you know, like avocado ice cream.
The homeless are like, fuck you.
I want cookie dough or I want brownie.
I want something I understand.
I'm homeless.
They're like, would you like to try a new burnt fig?
They're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I shit in the street.
You understand?
Give me something real.
I want a brownie or I want cookie dough.
Don't, you can't get, you can't do that.
Run that bullshit on me that you run on people that live in houses.
Okay?
I want something real.
We have like an amazing, it's actually a rose-flavored, hey.
Would you like to try it?
No, no, no.
I'd like to steal the brownie one.
I'm going to steal the brownie one and I'm going to leave.
That's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to eat it very, they probably eat it close too.
That's what I like.
And I'll eat it outside.
I'm going to sit there and I'm going to eat it.
What are you going to do?
Can you imagine calling the cops in San Francisco?
Can you imagine how low on the list of priorities that is?
Hi, Sarah from Thought and Straw.
Well, there's a homeless guy and he just came in here and he just stole a pint of cookie dough.
They're like, all right, well, if we see him, we'll straighten that out.
We're on our way.
We're on our way, Sarah.
Right after we deal with this bus station that's being burned down, we'll get on the homeless people who stole that pint of pistachio ice cream from Salt and Straw.
Right after this family of tourists, we're going to try to free them from this elevator they've been barricaded in.
But after that, we're going to get right on the cookies and cream gate.
This last article here, it says the golden age of the American Jew is ending.
I'm not even going to talk about that.
That's just an actual article.
And I mean, I'm not even, how am I going to, what am I going to do here?
I don't think it is.
I don't think it is.
I got a lot of golden Jews around me, baby, except my agent and manager who are both somehow Gentiles.
Maybe that's a lesson learned, right?
For me.
Well, anyway, Timdillocomedy.com, if you want to see any live dates, we're going to Royal Albert Hall in London.
I mean, what are you nuts?
If you don't live in London, I'd fly there.
We've got so many dates in Europe, but I mean, Royal Albert Hall is really the exciting and impressive venue.
Saturday night, come on down to Fantasy Springs Resort over in Indio, if you can.
Stand up live, Phoenix, Arizona.
I've said nothing but good things.
Then Belfast, Manchester, Glasgow, Amsterdam, London, Copenhagen, Helsinki, Stockholm, two shows in Dublin, then San Jose, Portchester, New York, Atlantic City, New Jersey.
But yeah, Royal Albert Hall in London.
Very exciting about doing that.
Let's hope that the Gilbert goons get their comeuppance.
Let's hope that they are, in all seriousness, I hope they go to jail.
I hope they are in trouble because I hope there's justice for this kid, right?
I mean, there is no, there is nothing that we can do here except watch and wait and potentially have me get involved as somebody who tries a case.
It would be a good idea, though.
I'll get up and I'm like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, many of you are surprised to see me here.
They go, they're all going, who are you?
I go, cut it out.
The reality is I have given up for a week or so a very lucrative job as a podcaster.
We pre-recorded, to come here and to talk about this situation because I feel like it needs to be done.
Okay?
The facts, we're going to lay all out.
We're going to lay out all the facts.
But I'll tell you right now, that ain't where this lives.
You know it and I know it.
You're from Arizona.
The facts are not going to decide this case.
You know it and I know it.
Let's get real.
You won't even pay attention to the facts for more than three minutes.
So what I promise to do for you is paint a picture, a new one every day so you don't forget of why this guy needs to fry.
Fry.
Fry.
You don't even have that anymore.
You got lethal injection, but these kids need to fry.
We don't kill children in an organized way anymore in this country, and we're worse off for it.
Yes or yes.
This is when the jury start to get them.
When we used to kill children and other children knew we were killing these children, those children knew how to act, right?
Children don't know how to act.
Yes or yes.
Hopefully an old black woman starts nodding her head.
We used to beat these motherfuckers with spoons, beat them, hit them.
But we don't do that anymore because of the communists making them trannies of the schools.
Now the whole crowd's clapping.
The whole jury is because the judge is like, I order you to sit down.
And I go, and I will steal a little bit.
I'll go, you're out of order.
I'm out of order.
This whole courtroom's out of order, right?
And then I bring in strippers.
Now there's two Arizona strippers flanking me with the kind of very tasteful shirts of this gentleman who's sadly lost his life.
And they have these tasteful shirts on and they're kind of dancing.
And I'm like, listen, we kill one kid.
We save a thousand.
Fry them.
Fry them.
Fry them up.
And then the strippers are just going.
They're like, quesadilla, quesadilla.
I don't know why, but it's just a food.
And the people in Arizona are like, I am hungry.
I am hungry.
History Will Judge Us00:06:49
So this is what I mean about when you need to kind of put this out there as kind of the opening statement.
I said the closing statement, we have a smoke machine.
We're doing it in costume, but we're going to kill this motherfucker.
These kids are running around this town thinking that they can do whatever they want and they cannot.
How do these kids have nicer cars than the jury?
We should be killing them, stealing from them.
I mean, this is what I would say.
These are the things, these are the things I would say.
I don't know if this is correct or not because this whole thing they said was a $10 necklace, gold chain necklace led to this tragedy.
Yeah, it was a $10 necklace.
Here we go.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Well, in all seriousness, we hope that there is some justice here.
We've been following this case clearly.
But Joey Biden, baby, he's coming back a little bit.
And of course, we never count anybody out.
He's still behind in the polls.
We're watching this whole thing closely.
But if they are going to keep him on that drug, if they are going to keep him on that fucking miracle limitless drug that he's on from that movie, where they're just going to give him a pill and watch him fly, I mean, that was like watching the fucking luck dragon from Neverending Story fly.
That guy, it became Falcor.
He just, you watched him, you're like, this guy is fucking amazing.
He's amazing.
I didn't even listen to what he was saying.
I don't even care.
It doesn't even matter.
He's like, Putin's on the march in Europe.
I'm like, that's not really happening, but who cares?
You know?
He just starts saying stuff.
That's what politics is.
People just say stuff.
He's like, he's like, it's like 90, it's like World War II.
I'm like, no, it's not, but all right, keep going.
He goes, history will judge us for what we do now.
I go, you may be, but what?
What?
I'm not going to Ukraine.
You think it's going to be the beginning of saving Private Ryan?
And me and my friends are going to get out of a thing and go on to Ukraine?
That's not this.
So it's not like the beginning of World War II.
I don't know what it's the beginning of.
You can fill that in on your own, but it ain't the beginning of World War II.
Nobody I know is going to be like, hey, history is, history is going to judge us for, can you imagine saying that to another person?
We got to sign up for the military.
Why?
History is going to judge us.
Freedom is under assault abroad and at home.
It's like, hey, buddy, freedom under assault abroad, freedom's got to figure it out.
Freedom better figure it out.
Okay.
We left out Afghanistan.
What happened to that?
Freedom was under assault.
Then the Taliban came back in and we were just like, guess what?
Put him back.
Put him back in.
So I'm old enough to know how these things end, how this stuff happened, how this goes.
But he's still, again, as a show, it was great as a show, as a spectacle.
He comes out.
He's like, it's World War II.
Evil Putin, Vladimir Putin of Russia is on the move.
And every boy.
Now, in World War II, there were like young men and women listening to that going, we got to fulfill our duty.
Now we have the Gilbert Goons doing fentanyl vapes.
They're not enlisting in the military to go to the Ukraine.
Okay?
No one, we just don't have, we don't have the greatest generation.
So whatever he's trying to sell, he better scale back.
But then he was smart.
He's like, and there's no American troops in the Ukraine and there won't be.
So that was good.
I was like, oh, cool.
He's like, it's World War II, but you can just watch.
I'm like, fair, fair.
I'm, hey, you might be converting me.
He's like, it's World War II.
History is going to judge us because on what we do, but we don't have to do that much.
We're just going to print some fake money and send it over.
All right.
So I don't have to storm any beaches.
No, no, sorry, Bob.
History will judge us for what we do right now.
So what are we going to do?
Argue about trans swimmers for three years while these people blow each other up with some fake money that we create.
I mean, and then he goes, I'm from Delaware.
He leans in.
I'm telling you right now, he might be winning me over a little bit.
He's like, I'm from Delaware.
It's the most corrupt.
He basically said every corrupt corporation is there.
And he goes, we're going to make a lot of money.
I'm like, well, I mean, if this is the party, see, usually with these people, they're always like, they come to you for something eventually.
They go, and we need troops.
We're going to raise your taxes.
We need to.
And I'm not saying he's good.
He's not good.
But this speech was the most effective speech I have ever seen in the sense that he was like, we're not asking you to do anything.
You people can do exactly what you want to do, which is get pins made of the people that die by the immigrants.
What we're going to do is keep letting Putin and Ukraine blow each other up because we need it.
The arms race needs it.
Sorry.
That's why the Republicans are kind of quiet about during the whole thing.
They're like, yeah, is the arms race needs?
He goes, the arms race needs.
So he says, World War II.
History is going to judge you by what you do right now.
And then immediately he's like, they're trying to take away abortion.
We're like, that, all right.
There we go.
Now we're in, you know.
So if that's going to be the tenor of how he runs this campaign, like these big proclamations and statements followed up by absolutely nothing, I think it could be good.
This is the most momentous time in history.
Cool.
What do you want from us?
Go play scratch offs, you bums.
All right.
Go commute five states away to your job and go kill your kids.
Kids kill your kids.
Kill kills.
Arizona.
Kids kill.
Lake Riley Riley.
Like tipdillacomedy.com.
If you want any tickets to anything, we appreciate it.
Sorry, we were out last week, but I had episodes with Andrew Schultz and a PBD podcast.
I mean, God, how many hours of media you need, folks?
Enough, enough.
Plus, we're on Patreon.
As always, the good people, Morgan and Morgan, we have this out here.
They set the stat.
It is an episode about justice.
So why not?
We love you and seriously think about letting me try this case.