Tim examines Hunter Biden’s expenses, a new McDonald’s concept restaurant, parents’ involvement in their kid’s lives and the bound of irony.
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Hunter Biden's Tax Scandal00:14:45
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
It is, we are deep into the holiday season here.
And it's the holidays everywhere, even in places where things aren't going well.
So we have our tree.
We have a beautiful tree with great ornaments to celebrate this very special and momentous time.
It is even the holidays for Hunter Biden, who are the president's son in the unending persecution of artists in America.
They're trying to get him on nine counts of tax evasion.
This guy's got to remember to not smoke crack, not fuck hookers, not leave blow in the White House, and pay your taxes.
It seems a little lofty of an ideal to hold a human being to that standard.
There are so many things this guy has to remember when he wakes up.
Don't call anyone I've ever met.
Don't reach out to any of the exes.
Don't call my brother's ex, who's my dead brother's ex.
Don't fuck her.
Don't do that again.
Don't commit a federal drug crime.
Don't commit a felony.
He's got a lot on his plate.
And he's an artist.
Okay?
And many of you don't relate to that because you are not artists.
But he's an artist.
Hunter Biden sees the world, the imperfections, the terrible things, and he wants to make them into something beautiful for you.
That's what artists do.
What's interesting about this is you know Gavin Newsom, that snake, had this done because he wants to be the president.
So he directed his cronies in California to charge Hunter Biden, recovering addict, artist, father, right?
Father, recovering addict, artist, father, son of our president, who's very present and in the moment and not at all dead, our president.
And it's this is a beautiful family that is now being attacked by the silver-tongued, although not so silver-tongued in that debate with DeSantis.
Let's be honest.
Gavin got a little cocky and kind of shit the bed.
But I can't believe that they got this guy on tax evasion.
Hunter Biden was indicted on nine tax charges in California as a special counsel investigation into the business dealings of President's Joe Biden's son intensifies against the backdrop of the 2024 election.
They cannot get Biden to quit.
This is the thing.
He won't.
I don't know if it's him that won't quit.
Maybe it is him.
Every poll that is being released is basically like, you cannot run.
You cannot walk.
You can't do it.
You're going to lose.
You're putting us at a big disadvantage in the general election.
They have him matched up against Trump, anyone, DeSantis, dead people.
Biden always comes out the loser by like 10 points.
So now I think they've basically, now they're going to basically see like, well, let's see how much we can leak on his son because this guy won't leave.
And I don't know why he won't leave.
What did he do?
What did this guy, what are they afraid of the next person finding?
This is the only thing I've cooked up in my own head, and I may not be correct.
What are they afraid of?
Why will he not leave?
What do they not want the next person stumbling upon?
Why would he even want this gig?
Why do you even want the job?
So now Hunter, the only son he has left, three felonies, six misdemeanors, in addition to federal firearms charges in Delaware, alleging Hunter Biden broke laws against drug users having guns in 2018.
Why shouldn't a drug user have guns, Delaware?
They need them.
Drug users need them more than regular people.
They come after the implosion of a plea deal over the summer that would have spared him jail time, putting the case on track to a possible trial as his father campaigns for reelection.
Well, there it is.
Biden's campaigning for reelection, the Hunter Biden trial.
He spent millions of dollars on an extravagant lifestyle rather than paying his tax bills.
Yeah.
So what?
They say he owes $1.4 million in taxes because between 2016 and 2019, he wasn't paying his taxes.
He was smoking crack.
But the back taxes have since been paid.
So I don't understand what the problem is.
If convicted, he could face a maximum of 17 years in prison.
Based on the facts of the law, if Hunter's last name was anything other than Biden, the charges in Delaware and now California would not have been brought, Lowell said.
Here's the thing.
I would almost argue the opposite.
It's like nobody's had more leniency kind of than this guy.
Think about this.
This guy is the son of the president.
He has videos of himself smoking crack and holding guns to escorts' heads.
We're kind of chill about this.
We've been pretty chill about it.
You know, like everybody's kind of been chill.
It hasn't been like, like, obviously the Republicans have, you know, been like, hey, man, you suppressed that story, the laptop, which they did.
It's a fact.
They didn't want that story.
But people have been kind of chill here about the content, which is like, this guy was wild.
Like, I'm sure Roger Clinton was wild, Bill Clinton's brother, and Neil Bush, but we just don't have photo and video evidence of every fucked up thing they've ever done.
With this guy, I mean, you can see him smoking crack, guns to the heads of hookers.
Can we get any of that up that we can play without it being a problem?
Some of it's in Scrub.
I can find somebody.
What's interesting about it is people are like, well, he's being attacked because his name is Biden.
It's like, no, no, no one could do that.
If my aunt found my uncle's laptop and he had even one of the videos that Hunter Biden had, his whole life would be ruined.
Can you imagine that if anyone found, think to yourself, you have a laptop, maybe in, I don't know, your spare room.
Your wife finds it, your husband, your significant other, your kids.
They find a laptop.
On the laptop is photos and videos of you smoking crack with hookers in the Ukraine.
Anyone.
Anyone's life would have been ruined.
This guy's doing well.
He's painting.
He lived in Malibu up until recently, maybe still does.
This guy's doing great.
There's no way my uncle could have a laptop with photos and videos of him doing the things Hunter Biden did and end up in Malibu.
No way.
No way.
No one.
No one.
If you recorded every bad thing you've ever done, fucking hookers, guns to their head, lines of coke, cooking crack.
If you recorded every single thing you've ever done, your life would be ruined over.
Your wife would divorce you.
She would take everything.
The judge would be like, buddy, what the fuck?
You'd go into rehab.
You could potentially be charged with something.
I don't know.
Documents, text, and videos obtained by Daily Mail show Hunter Biden spent a staggering $30,000 on escorts in a five-month period.
By the way, $30,000 in five months.
You can do that.
That's not that staggering.
I mean, it's, I mean, come on.
He's not, these aren't bottom of the barrel whores here.
He's got, he's got good whores.
But can you imagine that if you spent $30,000 on escorts in five months and recorded the entire thing and then your wife found it, you would be DOA dead.
He's doing pretty good.
He's still at the White House.
They still let him in the White House.
He still gets to stand on the balcony.
He's probably still leaving cocaine in the White House.
He had an art show.
Didn't the Hunter Biden have like a show of his work?
Yeah, it was here in Soho.
Yeah, he had a show of his work in Soho?
This is not a guy who's like a hopeless guy.
People won, well, he's being persecuted because of his name.
No, It's his name, which is the reason that the guy can live in Malibu and have art shows in Soho.
No regular human being can spend $872,000 on prostitutes, porn, and sex club memberships.
Take $1.6 million from ATMs.
By the way, it's a job his father got him in the burisma fucking around in the Ukraine.
That's how he has all this money.
He's a lawyer.
Lawyers don't have any money anymore, by the way.
Anyone listening to this thinking about becoming a lawyer, when you graduate law school now, you're impoverished for like 15 years.
You can't make any money.
There's like 20 lawyers that have any money.
It's not a lucrative thing anymore.
Doctors, same thing.
You talk to the big real estate agents, you go, who did you represent 20, 30 years ago?
They go, it was doctors, lawyers.
They go, now I don't have one doctor, one lawyer.
They can't afford shit.
It's all tech, finance, creative people on a very high level, and athletes.
Lawyers and doctors are out.
This guy's a lawyer.
How the fuck's he taken 1.6 out of an ATM?
It's because he had a fucking job where there was a slush fund, which he used for hookers and blows.
And by the way, I'm not even moralizing about any of that.
I've had my own problems.
I'm not moralizing.
I'm not saying that this guy should be condemned.
I'm saying he's getting less than what a normal person would get.
I sat in AA for years.
I still do occasionally.
It's not anonymous when it's my program.
I keep other people's anonymity.
I don't give a shit whether you know what I'm in or not.
I don't go enough.
I should go more.
But I've heard stories. of how people's lives get wrecked when they do what he's done.
I've lived them, right?
I lost a house.
My credit got shredded.
I lived with comics on couches and rooms in New York City for years, working shit jobs, trying to learn how to be funny.
There was no art gallery show in Soho.
There were no high-end rehabs.
I didn't live in Malibu.
I wasn't invited to the White House.
That was not part of my sobering up journey.
I had tax problems too.
I had to pay the fucking money.
I had to get a shitty little lawyer that didn't really care, who tried their best, and we paid the fucking money back.
I didn't really owe that much money.
He owed a lot more than me.
But this idea that like Hunter Biden's had it particularly rough is insane.
That's insane.
It's crazy.
He's not had it particularly rough.
I know tons of addicts whose entire lives, and they didn't do a fraction of what he did.
I know people who lost their entire lives because they drank too much one night and got in a car and got pulled over.
Didn't hurt anyone.
Didn't kill anyone.
Didn't have 200 videos of Ukrainian human trafficking victims fucking him with a gun to their head.
They just made a left when they shouldn't have.
They got pulled over.
They lost their car.
They lost their job.
They had to pay restitution.
They didn't have the money for it.
It took them years to get their lives back.
Years.
So this idea that the Democrats are going to be like, well, it's actually Hunter is paying a price that other people don't pay.
He's paying far less of a price than any drug addict ever that's been caught with anything.
And no matter what you believe politically, I don't care if you love Joe Biden and hate Donald Trump.
You have to agree, if you're a rational person, that Hunter Biden is not paying the price that other people have paid.
How many drug addicts, by the way, are in Malibu with an art show in Soho?
And I mean, this is wild.
So Hunter's four years of wild spending, he went nuts spending money.
Years of Wild Spending00:04:05
ATM's 1.6.
2016, he withdrew 200,000.
This is, by the way, a lesson in progressive drug use as well, how it gets worse.
2016, 200 grand.
2016 is probably not that bad.
He's smoking crack occasionally.
A couple of lines of the powdered cocaine.
It's okay.
Things aren't great, but it could be worse.
2017, 503,000 out of an ATM.
Now, he's not taking this money out to tip valets.
Understand this money goes right to the dealer.
I know I was a drug addict for many years.
That's why when I'm talking about him, I'm not condemning the act of using drugs.
I'm condemning this idea that he's had it particularly rough.
He hasn't.
500,000 in 2017.
2018, things get a little unmanageable.
$772,000 at an ATM or cash withdrawal where he shows up sniffling at a bank and goes, I got to take some money.
I need some money now.
And he goes in.
He's got a nice suit because he spent a lot of money on clothes.
That's the next thing coming up.
Clothing and accessories, he spent a total over this.
And so the last year at $772,548, the exact same amount of money.
So that's where he maxed out.
That's where he was going to die.
He was doing about $800,000 worth of crack a year around that.
And hookers.
Hookers and crack.
That $800,000 of hookers and crack.
That was his budge.
That was the budget in 2019.
You're telling me you spent $800,000 on hookers and crack two years in a row.
You have an art show in Soho?
No.
And nobody I know.
No one you know, by the way.
I'm talking about celebrities.
I'm talking about a lot of people.
I'm not just talking about broke people or middle class people.
I'm talking about like people that I know that have done really, really well.
If they had behaved like that, it would be over, over.
There would be no second or third act.
This guy's got the benefit of his second or third act.
And the only, and if he is being, which he's not, if this is all political, and that's the only reason that they're doing this, and obviously Newsom may be involved in it, trying to get him out.
I don't know if he is or not.
It doesn't make Newsom look great either, by the way, to show that this is, you know, he keeps talking about how great Biden is.
This is his son.
If he is being, if any of this is politically motivated, it's because his dad won't just not be the president.
His dad won't just walk away and let someone else run.
So, but I don't think it is.
Here's the deal.
He's a known guy.
So he's being prosecuted because they know what he did.
Whether it's political or not, they know what he did.
The crimes are public.
They're out in the open.
He didn't pay the taxes.
So this idea that like, you know, my favorite one is health, beauty, and pharmacy.
In 2016, he spent $54,000.
2017, he spent $110,000.
2018, $46,000.
2019 less, $26,000 on health, beauty, and pharmacy.
2019, he's like, listen, no condoms anymore.
The condom budget's done.
We don't need condoms.
Honey, you don't need tweezers and q-tips.
It doesn't matter.
No condoms.
That's the only one that goes down is health, beauty, and pharmacy.
You don't need clariton.
Get in the car.
Get in the car.
You know, 2016, he's really nice about it.
He's like, yeah, go and get whatever you want.
Free Breakfast for Life00:05:00
Get whatever you want.
What do you need?
Oh, you girls love your nails.
Go in there and get nail polish remover, whatever you need.
I'll be in the car.
You go in there and get whatever you want.
2019, he knows these whores for a while.
He's like, will you get in the fucking car?
Okay.
You know I'm clean.
We don't need a condom.
You know I'm clean.
My father's fucking going to be the president.
So that sucks.
But we wish, we wish, what do we wish him?
We wish him well.
We wish him well.
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Cynical Starbucks Drinks00:10:17
Nuts Mcdonald's America needs.
And what i've always said is, where are we?
I always say that, as a country, go.
Where are we?
What do we need?
Where are we?
What do we need?
These are the things that keep me up at night.
I go, where are we?
What do we need?
And you know what we need.
We need more Mcdonald's.
That's our medicine.
We need more Mcdonald's.
The prescription for what this country needs is more Mcdonald's, in a slightly different because look at what Mcdonald's has done.
It's a legendary concept originating where all good things do, in California, where you can get cheeseburgers for almost nothing whenever you want.
That's what Mcdonald's is.
It's other things.
Yes, it's Grimace and the hamburger.
It's fun, they have the play place, the Mcgriddle's nice, but it's it's the beginning of fast food.
The idea and the concept that someone somewhere is going to hand you a hot cheeseburger through a window immediately, pretty much whenever you want.
That is one of the most revolutionary concepts in American history.
You may think we've abused that concept and there's certainly some evidence i've abused it.
I know my friends have abused it, but that is what Mcdonald's is.
Mcdonald's is now launching a new concept.
It's being launched in Bowlingbrook, or Bolingbrook Illinois, Bowling Brook, Illinois.
It's called Cosmics C O S M C'S.
It's not open yet.
There was a team full of actors in the drive-through filling a uh filming a commercial.
So the menu is up and I was able to snap a few pics from afar.
It's a mix of a lot of new drink offerings and an All-day breakfast menu of new items.
So here's what Mcdonald's has realized.
They look at Starbucks and they go.
Starbucks is killing people.
With drinks it's much easier.
You look, look at any Starbucks.
There's not A lot of people working in a Starbucks.
It's a pretty pared down concept.
You can kill a good amount of people.
It's a real genocide.
With frappuccinos in there, you can kill them easily.
You need a blender, some syrup, some ice and a lid.
That's it.
You don't need grills and onions and cheeseburgers.
You don't need hash browns.
You don't need little apple slices to pretend to give to the kids and all that bullshit.
You don't need characters.
You don't need all you need.
You don't need a fry cook.
All you need is a couple marginally intelligent, reasonably desperate people to work there all day manning the.
They're all versions of slushy.
That's the maligned thing that we all hated at 7-Eleven and we all made fun of, because it is heinous.
The quickie mart slushy from the Simpsons the, the just cold slush in your uh glass is what a Frappuccino is.
Now, of course, it tastes better.
It's got caffeine.
It's coffee.
It's sugar.
But that's what Starbucks does.
You know, yes, they do coffee.
They do other things.
Well, what about the paninis?
Yeah, sure, sure.
But what they do is every month at Starbucks, they have a new way to kill you.
They have a caramel macchiato with toasted coconut.
They have a mocha cookie crumble.
It's a milkshake.
That's all it is.
And they have holiday.
They have a caramel brulee, peppermint, mocha, you know.
And what these things do is they're addictive.
You ever had a Frappuccino?
I have.
You drive through.
The third sip, I'm going to get one after this, just hearing myself talk about it.
The third sip or fourth sip of a Frappuccino, your eyes open.
Your headache, if you have a tiny little headache, it goes away.
You make that right turn onto the fucking, you know, onto the service road or the parkway or the highway, and you are doing good.
And you put it in the cup holder and maybe there's a song that mirage, I don't want to.
And you are just, you are on, you're riding the horse of sugar and it tastes good.
And now I used to do it with little Perkadoodle doo.
I'd have a Percocet and you put a Marbromenthal Light in your mouth or Newport or a Marlborough Light.
Oh Lord, Jesus.
Oh Lord.
And then the shit that would just gather in your stomach that you would take at the office and you would spend the first 10 minutes in the office shitting that glorious Percocet Starbucks cigarette shit.
Now, when you have an office job, these are the small, lovely pleasantries we talked about a couple episodes back.
So what McDonald's has realized, because all these executives sit around and they basically go, how do we kill people?
How do we kill them?
How do we do it?
How do we kill people?
And McDonald's goes, you know, they're coming after red meat.
Yeah, they don't like that.
They're saying that the cow's farting is killing the ozone layer.
Everybody's getting skin cancer.
The waters are going to rise.
Going to be a real day after tomorrow situation.
You know, Miami, Manhattan, all these places flooded.
California's on fire.
Not good.
We don't like it.
Not good.
So they go, we got to figure out how to transition out of red meat.
This is what McDonald's, I truly believe they thought like this because they're smart.
They're not dumb.
They're smart.
And they go, how do we kill people?
Make that big.
This is how you kill people.
This is how you kill people.
With a churro frappe.
Churro frappe.
S'mores cold brew.
This is how you kill people.
This is how you kill people in a world that has turned against red meat.
We've turned against a cheeseburger.
Red meat's a symbol of the patriarch.
You don't give a shit about anything.
I bet you hit trans people with a stick.
So the churro frappe comes.
The s'mores cold brew.
Can you imagine that?
The sour cherry energy burst for the minorities.
There's got to be something for them.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Tropical, what does that say?
Spice aid looks a little like spic aid, but that's theirs.
That's what they, it's spice aid.
Blueberry ginger burst for the people who are like, I just need a little cleansing today.
So now what they'll do, they do this, and then they also have like a green tea.
It's just like McDonald's has the salad.
Here's how you kill people.
And by the way, if you don't think I'm going to Bowling, Brook, Illinois in like a day, you're crazy because I this does look phenomenal.
Now, but this is, they are trying to kill you.
And knowing that is okay because everybody hates cynicism.
Conan O'Brien, who I think is a brilliant comedian who I respect and love, and everything he's done, I love.
But he said one day, there's one moment I had a little disagreement with him, but he is such an iconic legendary guy that you just, everything he says, he goes, yeah, I bet parts of what he's saying, I understand, where he goes, I hate cynicism.
It's my least favorite emotion, and it doesn't produce anything good.
I understand what he's saying and where he's coming from, but I've always valued a little bit of cynicism, and I'll tell you why it can keep you alive, and it can keep you, it can keep you from getting in trouble.
Too much delusion isn't good.
Ascribing motives to people that are positive isn't good.
You don't know why someone's trying to help you.
You don't know why.
It could be because they're a lovely, amazing person and they just get off on helping people.
It might be because they like the position that they're in versus the one that you're in.
They might like that dynamic of being kind of above you.
They might want to control you.
There's all kinds of reasons.
And I'm not saying you shouldn't take help or you should be overly paranoid, but like, especially when it comes to American corporations, I think maybe a little bit of cynicism when it comes to narratives about war and peace, a little bit of cynicism.
When a new credit card line is launched where they go, it's no money done, no interest.
You're the winner.
You know, 27 months, no payment.
Like, be a little cynical about these things.
So when McDonald's goes, we're going to open this new concept, be a little cynical.
They're trying to kill you.
They have something called McPops.
They're little donuts.
Filled with peanut butter and Nutella.
They have a spicy queso sandwich, creamy avocado tomatillo sandwich, pretzel bites, Egg McMuffins, McFlurry's, caramel fudge, brownie Sundays, cookies, caramel fudge, brownie, the twist cone, savory hash brown bites.
Fast Food Health Shifts00:07:15
But make no mistake, the star of the menu will be the drinks.
That is what they want.
They're trying to kill you now, primarily with liquid.
It is easier.
They can make it easier.
It's cheaper.
It gets you addicted.
You're addicted and you go, fuck it.
I want a s'mores cold brew.
That's how I want to start my day with a churro frappe.
And when they come out with the nutrition information and what's in these, make no mistake, these will be, it will be a cup of poison.
It will be sugar.
Do they have any of it?
I'm looking for it right now.
Let's see if we can find any of it.
You want to see the churro one first?
Let's see the churro frappe first.
What is the churro frappe working with in terms of 610 calories?
Only 610 calories for a drink.
610 calories on the churro frappe.
Do we have the breakdown of sugar?
Not yet.
It's proprietary.
They're not going to give out ingredients.
Yeah, they're not going to, right.
Okay.
So this is a new...
By the way, it represents a shift.
Fast food over the next months, weeks, years, is going to move away from red meat.
They're going to move away into things that feel healthy that are not.
This is what's going to happen.
McDonald's is the most powerful and biggest company.
The fact that they're doing a drink restaurant shows you that the future is probably going to be in things like that.
They can kill you in many different ways.
They don't need to kill you the way they've always killed you.
They can end your life slowly in many different ways.
And the way that they're going to do it is by opening a Starbucks for people that film fight videos after school.
Because that's who goes to McDonald's, a lot of people.
McDonald's knows where their locations are.
Yes, some of them are in the suburbs.
Some of them are in the city, the inner state.
And what are you going to drink when a bitch pops off to another bitch and they start beating each other and 30 kids with iPhones are filming it?
You know what you're going to drink?
A popping pear slush.
As they wipe the blood off the floor of the Bronx Grand Concourse McDonald's, you are going to hear the slurp of a churro frappe being finished at Cosmics.
When the bloody floor of a Cosmics is being cleaned with ammonia by an immigrant who doesn't speak English, someone will have a cold brew, s'mores, and you'll hear the clink of the ice.
This is marketed to people that just want to get high.
It's about getting high.
And McDonald's is like, we just need to run these.
Do we have any art or any renderings of what these will look like inside?
Here we go.
Where will people drink the sour cherry energy burst or the tropical spice aid?
Where will they drink that?
When you are typing Free Palestine onto X, you will be drinking a Tropical Spice Aid.
No insides yet.
No insides yet.
Blue and yellow.
Very interesting.
So this is coming.
This is coming.
It's Sonic.
It looks like Sonic.
Well, what they're trying to do is they're trying to move away from what they've made their money doing, which is beef and red meat.
And they know that the people that are still into red meat are people that are going, oh, it has benefits, keto, carnivore, whatever.
Now, obviously, poor people, silly burgers.
But it's that vast middle people that don't have enough money for a ribeye that's grass-fed.
And they're not totally totally fucked where they're just eating White Castle.
It's that vast middle class that they're the ones we try everything out on.
They're the ones we go, we yell at them all the time, you know, don't use too much toilet paper.
How long are you in the shower for?
It's the middle class.
The rich do whatever they want and the poor just try to survive.
The middle class, they're the ones we try out all our shit on.
Every guilt trip gets delivered directly to the doors of the middle class, usually by the rich.
They go, this is what you should care about, you mouth breather.
So the middle class right now, they're being beaten down by don't eat red meat, red meat's bad, climate change, red meat, climate change, boom, boom, but it's every article, every article that the Times is putting out, the New Yorker, even the Journal, Wall Street Journal, all of these publications are putting out the idea that red meat, draw a line to climate change, draw a line to we're all flooded and dead.
That burger, draw a line to your mouth.
And rich people don't give a shit.
They own all the shit that's poisoning the planet.
They don't care.
And poor people are like, I have $3.
What do you want me to do?
I have $3.
I got to eat.
I got an eight-hour shift.
I've been broke.
I was a tour guide in New York City.
When I got off, I had dollar pizza.
I had no money.
What was I going to do?
Have a wild caught salmon for $38?
It's not going to happen.
You don't have a lot of time.
When you're poor, you're broke.
Here's the hot thing that's cheap for you.
So what McDonald's is smartly realizing is that this middle class that they still have to try to lure into their restaurants, they have to lure the middle class into their restaurants along with the lower class.
That's why they have the, you know, all the tropical spicy.
I mean, that's being aimed at people that don't have a lot of money.
And then they have the blueberry green tea.
This is green tea.
Hibiscus.
This is the hibiscus green tea.
You know, they have all of those things because those things are aimed and targeted at kind of the little white, you know, the white woman who's having a hibiscus.
And I went to Cosmics.
I have my hibiscus, blueberry, green tea.
And man, I wish Hamas would just tie me to a tree.
I think about just a couple of Arab men tying me to the back of a truck.
I just sit there with my hibiscus tea and I sexualize monster terrorists because I'm bored.
And that's what, you know, this is what Cosmics, Cos MCs is going to do.
But it does represent kind of that significant shift in what fast food has to do because this is, they have to lure you in.
They have to hit you over the head.
And Americans, you know, it's the, it's that old adage, right?
It's like the rich, the poor kind of get away, but it's the middle class that we experiment on.
Shit Happens Attitude00:15:04
It's an experiment.
Feeding people sugar like this is an experiment.
And we're going to experiment on the lab rats in the American suburbs.
That's why this is happening in Bolingbrook, Illinois.
We go, this isn't happening in Malibu.
They're not doing this on Park Avenue in Manhattan.
They're doing it in Bolingbrook, Illinois.
They're like, when you get off work at the plant, whatever plant's even left, or you're on your way to be a fifth grade teacher, you want to stop at Cosmics and get a churro frappe to just give yourself the buzz, the sugar high to stare at these children and get through the day.
That's really what it comes down to.
You know, everyone's going to, I went to an event the other night, a Broadway show.
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God, I'm telling you, if you're not using the GameTime app, I don't get it because it's so hard.
These different, you don't know.
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All the time, people buy tickets at my shows.
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I go, you're using the wrong thing.
You're not going directly to the source.
It's so difficult.
You want the tickets.
You want them now.
You want to pay a good price.
You don't want to get hosed.
It's the Game Time app.
It's easy.
They have deals on tickets right up to the start of the event and even an hour after it starts.
They want to fill last-minute seats.
You get so many good deals.
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That's how confident they are that really you're not going to find that.
You're not going to find it.
Okay.
They've done their work.
You're not going to find it.
What do you think?
You're going to find it?
You're not.
Why don't you let them do what they're good at?
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I want to talk about this drug dealer that Trump let out.
They released under Trump.
They charged him on an assault on teenager.
A drug dealer who was released under former President Donald Trump's sweeping criminal justice reform has been charged with first-degree assault of a teenager.
William Dreeden Dredden was indicted along with his wife, Tiffany Harrison, in connection with their alleged involvement in assault outside of Baltimore High School.
Uh-oh.
Authorities said that the couple accompanied their 15-year-old son to the Carver Vocational Technical High School on October 27th and allegedly joined their son in the assault of another teenager during which their son pistol whipped the victim.
Well, listen, do you want parents to be involved in their kids' lives or not?
Do you want people invested in what their kids are doing or not?
Yes or yes.
If I'm going to pistol whip someone at my high school and my father and mother come with me and attack that person, that's a family memory I'll have for the rest of my life.
I don't know what's going on in these inner city schools.
We always hear about them.
There's issues, I imagine.
But I'll tell you this.
Everyone always says the parents are not involved.
This is what we hear all the time.
The parents are MIA.
They're not around.
The kids are running around doing all their own stuff.
Well, here's a situation where a father and a mother decide to go to the school with their son to pistol whip someone.
And you know what?
I think it's nice.
I think it's actually good.
I think it's pretty fucking nice that a couple of weeks before Christmas, someone that Trump let out of jail with his wife goes to support their son in a pistol whipping.
I think it's nice.
He secured early release from federal prison for, isn't this good letting everyone out of jail?
I think it's great.
It seems to be working well.
This no bail seems to be working well where you commit a crime and they ask you nicely not to again.
It seems well.
It seems great.
It seems like it's a good idea to just let everyone out of jail.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Dredden and Harrison each face 15 charges, including first-degree assault, reckless endangerment, and use of a firearm in the commission of a crime of violence.
Records show that Dredden had secured early release from federal prison 14 months before the October incident after making a claim. under the First Step Act, which was the most important criminal justice reform legislation passed in a decade.
Baltimore police told Newsweek that Dredden had previously been arrested multiple times for drug-related charges.
Dredden's criminal history is first reported by Baltimore TV.
The bipartisan legislation, which aimed to cut unnecessarily long federal sentences and improve conditions in federal prisons, was widely supported by both Democrats and Republicans.
Lovely.
Although Trump ran a tough on crime campaign when he was elected to the White House in 2016, here's the problem.
So here's what it is.
Here's what it is.
Here's what it is.
We all think it's unfair that people that sold drugs have to spend their entire lives in prison.
We all pretty much think that.
Nonviolent drug offenders end up fucked with these federal mandatory minimum sentences.
Rockefeller drug laws in New York, an example.
These are not great.
However, not everyone, and I'm going to, and I'm going to, you know, people aren't going to love this.
People aren't going to love this because this is not nice to hear.
Are you ready for this?
Get ready.
Listen closely.
Listen closely.
Pull over.
Pull into Cosmics.
Get your frat bag.
Get ready for this.
Not all non-violent drug offenders are going to be nonviolent.
I know.
Bummer.
Bummer.
Not all nonviolent drug offenders are going to be nonviolent.
It's just what it is.
It's just what it is.
Some of them will be.
Some of them are.
Some of them are lovely and great and they got caught up and whatever.
But some of them are going to pistol whip a 15-year-old at school.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You know?
Part of freedom is going to want your son to pistol whip the kid at school, I guess.
And, you know, I guess, you know, you're going to get arrested for that.
But, you know, a lot of this criminal justice reform, like let's make the prison safer and nicer.
And it's all needed.
We need better prisons and that rehabilitate people and don't just throw them into these boxes.
You know, all these COs just start fight clubs with the people, which is a decent way to stay in shape.
And, you know, fighting is now more mainstream and everybody loves it.
So I don't know why they are always, you know, everybody's always like, they started a fight club.
It's like, well, let's see, you know, but here's my point.
My point is this.
There should be more rehabilitative, you know, programs in prison.
People come out of prison.
They don't know what to do.
But this is also going to happen.
If you fling open the gates of prisons and let people out, some of them are going to go to the school and pistol whip the kids with their children.
Now, again, I don't, this is a family that has chosen to act together.
That's not nothing.
This is kind of nice.
We always hear about the inner cities that the families are not together.
I'm not making that up.
This is what we hear.
I'm not involved, by the way.
So don't come at me and be like, this is coded racist.
It's not.
It's not.
I hear that there are issues in the inner cities with the families not being together.
I hear it.
I'm not experiencing it.
This is not the case.
This isn't the case.
This is a father and mother who loved their child enough to go to jail for him because they pistol whipped a 15-year-old and Donald Trump let them out of jail to appear for whatever reason.
I don't know.
Donald Trump trying to secure the rapper vote, I guess.
I don't know.
He had some of it already.
And Coulter and a lot of his people that really loved him were like, what are you doing here?
What is this?
Why is this happening?
But, you know, here's the deal.
In a bubble, this is kind of fine.
If it wasn't the prevailing attitude of all the inner cities to just fling open jail cells and let everybody out, if there was a way to look at this in a bubble and you go, yeah, this shit happens.
This is a perfect shit happens story.
And the people that are pro the reforms will say it's shit happens.
It's amazing what is and isn't shit happens, by the way.
If a girl at college is sexually assaulted by a white guy, it's not shit happens.
It is a Orwellian structure that has oppressed.
There's all of that.
But if something like this happens, it's not shit happens.
This is, you know, I'm sorry, this one would be shit happened.
This one would be like, well, hey, you know, people, they have a bad morning.
Some of them have a bad morning and they just pistol whip their son's enemy at school.
So it really just depends as both sides do it.
Republicans do shit happens.
Democrats do shit happens.
Part of our country is deciding what isn't, what is and isn't shit happens.
That's part of the whole country.
That's part of the entire thing.
Is it shit happens when this happens or is it you made that shit happen or shit is happening for a reason that you could potentially change, fix, alleviate this burden somehow.
And I'm no expert on any of this stuff.
It is just it is interesting because this is what everybody believes.
Irony in Panera Lemonade00:08:08
Now, I go out with people.
I talk to people.
I chat with people.
We all talk and they go, the criminal justice system in America is corrupt.
It's unfair.
Those things aren't untrue.
And it's certainly been cruel to African Americans.
Certainly been cruel to inner city.
Certainly it is a all of that is true.
No one's denying that.
The problem then becomes, how do you fix it without destroying public safety?
That's the issue.
It's not easy.
It's not an easy thing to do.
How do you fix it without people pistol whipping 15 year olds at the school?
Which again, I don't know if I'm against or for.
I don't know what the kid did.
I'm just saying that's the concern.
How do you fix it without destroying public safety?
They didn't, it doesn't seem to be working in San Fran.
It's not really working in LA.
More home invasions now than there have been.
Go to any party.
I had a Christmas party in LA.
People just, you know, they come in.
They talk, a house on my block was robbed.
Or a guy got followed home.
I got a gun.
Nobody in LA is that creative to make this stuff up, by the way.
If they did, the shows would be better.
They're not that creative.
This actually happened.
You can hear what's going on in an area by just talking to people.
It's no conspiracy, no agenda.
These are all liberals, by the way.
They're Los Angeles liberals in the entertainment business.
None of them follow it up, by the way, with we need harsher penalty because they're too dumb.
They don't even understand what's going on.
They just tell you what they see.
My friend got followed home with a gun to his head.
They took his Lamborghini.
And then some of them now have started to go, yeah, maybe we need to, maybe people need to go to jail a little bit.
But, you know, this, this idea that you can just let everybody out might not work.
Nobody is willing to admit, this is my favorite thing about politicians.
They're all certain of the results of everything they do.
None of them go, yeah, we don't know.
We don't know.
None of them.
Everybody goes, this will reduce the, no one has, no one has the foresight to go, yeah, we don't, you know, to be a bit be a mixed bag out there.
Be a mixed bag out there if we let everybody out.
Some people live lovely lives, very productive lives, and a few people will pistol whip kids at school.
We don't know.
You can't sell that to people.
You couldn't sell that to people.
You can't.
So you just have to go, you know, you have to go, well, this will reduce the unfair treatment.
You know, and you go, okay, well, people go, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.
I don't want people treated unfairly.
And then the flip side of that is, oh, maybe you're tied up in a house.
Some of those people that support a lot of this stuff are, and it is kind of funny to be tied up in Bel Air.
It's just funny.
It's not not funny.
It is human comedy.
You support a lot of this stuff.
And to be tied up, you know, you're in a chair in Bel Air and they've tied you up and you're sitting there.
And you were like one of those people all in.
You were all in for this.
You were all in for letting everybody out.
And you go, I'm always in for what's happening.
And then you're tied up in the chair.
There is an element of comedy to that.
And I hope the people that are tied up realize that.
I hope they can laugh at it.
I hope they can enjoy it for the irony that it is.
It is an irony.
Ironies abound.
A lot of people were anti-COVID vaccines and then they got COVID and died.
Now, maybe the vaccine would not have helped them.
I don't know.
But there's an irony to that a little bit.
There's certainly an irony to people that believed it wasn't even real and then it killed them.
They're in the bed being like, and it's a country we can't even appreciate irony anymore.
That's the sad thing.
We can't appreciate irony.
We're all getting too dumb to even know what it is.
And we're all becoming such fundamentalists.
There's no irony in Iran, for example, amongst the people that are all, you know, there's no irony amongst the mullahs.
Certainly there's maybe some irony in the population if they can get away with it.
But that's what happens when you become a fundamentalist country.
You know, you basically don't understand irony.
You don't understand that concept.
But it's got to be ironic to be tied up in a home in LA while people go ransack through your things.
I mean, there's something funny about that, you know?
Has to be slightly ironic to be the principal of a school that probably supported this reform as, you know, I'm sure there's many good reasons to support it.
And then a father comes in and starts pistol whipping the kids.
There's got to be an irony there.
You have to enjoy it.
You have to enjoy it a little bit.
You have to enjoy it.
Irony should be like, you don't want to poison yourself with it where you become just this weird freak.
A lot of irony poisoning in the mid-2000s at places like Brooklyn and Echo Park.
We get it.
Too much of it's a bad thing, like the churro frappe.
But a little of it is healthy.
A little of it is nice.
It's tasty.
Have a little bit of it.
You get a little high.
You try it out.
Oh, this is what people...
There's a little bit of it that I think is nice.
And it shows that you're not a fundamentalist psychopath, that you can kind of go, well, you know, well, hey, hey, I guess, you know, I now understand some of those things I didn't understand.
I have a little understanding now.
Not a great one.
You know?
You know, it's ironic that Panera killed someone with their lemonade recently.
And McDonald's goes, we'll kill a lot more people.
Panera killed someone with this caffeinated lemonade they have.
Some poor guy with a disorder went and he had a couple of these Panera lemonades and just exploded.
He was sitting there in the suburbs and this poor guy exploded.
They face second wrongful death lawsuit over caffeinated charged lemonade.
This is the second person that Panera's taken down with their charged lemonade.
Sad.
The lawsuit alleges Panera knew or should have known that charged lemonade could pose risks, particularly to children, pregnant, breastfeeding women, and individuals sensitive to caffeine.
Charged lemonade, which has more caffeine in its large size than 12-ounce Red Bull and 16-ounce monster energy combined.
Wow.
Has been the center of legal scrutiny.
I like this.
Panera, by the way, which is a basic bitch soup restaurant is like, we got to get people zooted.
We got to get people jacked.
Jacked.
The lawsuit filed in Delaware disclosed that Brown had ordered Panera's charged lemonade at least seven times over the course of two weeks in September and October.
And that was it.
That was the last thing that motherfucker did on this floating rock was get that charged lemonade from Panera seven motherfucking times.
That's what I mean.
When I say these places are trying to kill you, I'm not being hyperbolic.
They genuinely are.
But McDonald's is, whereas Panera will do, you know, a person here and there.
McDonald's is in it for the long haul.
Cos MCs, I don't know if it'll succeed or not, but it might.
I don't know.
They're in it for the long haul.
TikTok Algorithms Change Media00:06:40
You know, so much of me as in closing has been thinking recently about TikTok.
About so much of what I've thought of as I've done this show for many years and as I've paid attention to culture very closely, I pay attention to the beginning and the end of things.
I pay attention to how things start versus how they finish.
Where they started, Facebook, college kids, trying to fuck, the beginning.
Now, people that went to January 6th sharing casserole recipes, whatever it is.
It's not what it was.
We can admit that.
You know, Instagram in the beginning, look, it's my family.
You know, now it's like, you know, we know what Instagram is.
It's like, you know, get the tits out, do plastic surgery on your face with the filters.
Try out the person you'd like to be.
Present the life that isn't yours, but you'd like people to believe you're having.
We know.
TikTok started out as a dancing app from China called Musically that became TikTok where people mimed the hot songs.
They would dance.
They come up with dances.
The dances would go viral.
Now it is a place where people are watching babies in Gaza get pulled out of rubble.
It's what a journey that has been.
This is why Israel is losing support right now because it's like, you can't kill people every day, all day on a children's dancing app.
If we had TikTok during the surge of Fallujah, people would be like, what are you doing?
Stop doing this.
And then we'd go, no, no, no, you don't understand.
It's a preemptive because if we didn't, then you would democracy and around.
And people go, no, no, no, we don't care.
Well, we just see blood every day.
We see blood every single day.
And it doesn't work anymore.
You can't kill people in mass on a children's dancing app.
These young kids are looking at it and going, what the fuck?
We're like, Charlie D'Amelio used to just, we used to just dance.
Why is everybody dead now?
Why is everybody dead?
It's blood.
The whole algorithm is blood now.
It used to be fun.
It used to be the renegade.
Remember?
Addison Ray, renegade, renegade.
Now it's just bomb, blood, bomb, blood.
It's a lot.
It's a lot.
But it teaches those kids an important lesson.
That is just the trajectory of any app.
Any social media app starts renegade and ends genocide, genocide.
Any app, anyone.
They all have their different ways, of course.
You know?
Instagram is the genocide of people's self-respect and dignity.
Facebook is the genocide of their mental capacity.
And TikTok is just, here it is.
Here we are.
A lot of death.
And that's what's interesting about the journey from where that app started to where it is now.
And I don't know where it goes.
I don't know where it goes.
But I know that it's not going to be the same for the people that have enjoyed it.
It's not going to be the same.
All the families were together in their pajamas doing the dance and everybody's.
And now you're watching carnage from another part of the world and you're seeing up close really terrible, tragic scenes everywhere.
Seeing Israeli hostages in tunnels.
You're seeing the murder of civilians in Gaza.
You're seeing all of this stuff on the app now.
And it's changed.
I bet a few kids have been changed by it.
They're a little changed and they're going to go, fuck.
And Cosmics is hoping that those kids sit with a churro island pear limead spice crunch wrap latte, whatever the hell they're doing.
And just watch death in the Cosmix parking lot.
That's the hope.
That's the hope.
The hope is that we can eventually just take the two most addictive things, sugar and algorithms and merge them.
So you just, all you do your entire life is just churro frappe and death on TikTok.
And you just churrofrappe, death on TikTok, death on TikTok, death on TikTok, spice limea, death on TikTok, popping pear slush.
Hunter Biden is being treated unfairly.
Death on TikTok.
Churro frappe.
And that'll be, that'll be it.
That'll be it.
That's what they want.
Those are the two most powerful forces in American life, the consumption of drugs and the consumption of media.
Drugs being food, alcohol, pills, whatever.
The two most powerful forces in the American life are drugs and media, and they want you consuming them together.
Slushy beheading.
Churro death.
That's what they want.
So with that, we wish you merry, merry holidays.
Merry, merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah if you're celebrating Hanukkah.
Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy Ramadan.
When is Ramadan?
Who cares?
Happy of it.
Happy everybody.
Happy everybody.
And go and get some, get some, get some, get a nice fried chicken, churro hot chocolate, or whatever McDonald's is going to come up, but go get that.
Go get that poison.
Go get that poison and then have a little sneaky, go watch a little TikTok.
I'm really excited about the first thing I'm going to try is the churro frappe.
But I don't know about you.
You might want the tropical spiced or the turmeric spice latte, Indians.
Or you might want a berry hibiscus sour aid.
I don't know who's drinking the s'mores cold brew.
Churro Frappe Excitement00:00:46
If you're drinking the s'mores cold brew, now by the way, how soon is it until you have people walking through the Hamas tunnels with these?
Now, Israel's flooded all the Hamas tunnels, and that's unfortunate.
But the Hamas used to have these tunnels to get fast food.
So they would.
They want.
They want KFC.
They want things they can't get in Gaza.
So we know we're living in a truly globalized world.
We'll know it.
Tom Friedman, thank you very much, sir.
We'll know we're living in a truly globalized world when you see a Hamas guy and then there are hostages behind him and it's in a dark tunnel and on the edge of the desk you go is that a true frape