Tim wades into the Israel-Hamas War, college students showing their true selves, celebrities walking back support, ‘the best you can do’ and how peace in the Middle East may involve the Midwest.American Royalty Tour🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/Pre-Order ‘Death By Boomers’ By Tim Dillon👉 https://rb.gy/gafn4SPONSORS:Morgan & Morgan:For more information go to forthepeople.com/timShipstationGet a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/timdillon▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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High Degree of Difficulty00:02:18
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
This is a tough one this week.
This is not the easiest one to do.
This is a high degree of difficulty.
The routine, have you ever watched the gymnastics in these Summer Olympics?
When they go, the routine that she will be attempting this evening has a high degree of difficulty.
She stumbled many times. during practice.
She has a lot of maneuvers in there.
She's unfamiliar with.
And she had some real trouble.
She had real trouble during practice.
Let's see if she's worked those kinks out.
That's what we got today because we've had a week.
And no matter what I say about anything today on this show, somebody's going to be upset that I didn't say more or I said the wrong thing or I mean something different than what I said or I don't have the facts.
And if I had the facts, I'd think differently.
There's no way to avoid that.
I'm one of the greatest minds of our time.
And watching me in real time put this together has got to be one of the greatest joys in what I imagine is a horrible life that you live on the other end of that camera.
I don't know.
I'm guessing some of you are doing fine, but a lot of you, let's be honest.
And watching the mental dexterity, me just jumping into it, you know, no script, no talking points.
Barry Weiss, by the way, was supposed to come and do the show and ghosts me at the last minute because it's been a very bad week for Israel.
I think it's been a good week for her career, not for her, because I like Barry and I know it's a horrible week for everyone that's Jewish and everyone that's been Jewish or knows someone who's Jewish.
I get it.
But she's in demand.
That's what I'm saying.
Do you see this is a high degree of difficulty?
I'm still on the balance beam.
I swayed a little bit.
You thought I was going to, but I'm still on it.
Hamas Terrorist Group00:05:22
But no, she's in demand.
It's not a good week for her.
It's not what I mean.
What I mean is that a lot of people are calling her probably that far exceed the reach that I have, for example, even though my reach is incredibly large.
And she would be honored to be here and should have texted me back.
But I'm not mad at her because I understand that it is tough.
But now here's what she gets.
I'm going to do it on my own.
I have my own ideas and I am going to go with that now.
She had the chance to come and speak her piece.
Well, we'll start at the beginning.
There's something called the Bible.
And no.
As anybody, everybody now knows, there was a horrific attack in Israel.
Hamas, which is a terrorist group.
They're running Gaza, but they can't do that well.
They're not good at that.
They're proven that they're not bad at terrorism.
That's what they're good at.
But they can't run Gaza, which is their, you know, which is the, I told you folks, this is a, this is, you've never seen anything like this.
How impressed are you already?
You've never even been in a room with someone capable of doing anything like what you're about to see.
Hamas is a terrorist organization that was actually formed somewhat funded by Israel because Israel was trying to discredit some more of the moderate factions of the PLO and which is the Palestine Liberation Organization.
So Israel was kind of funding Hamas the way that we funded Al-Qaeda when it was a mujahideen against the Soviets in Afghanistan.
We built that.
So it's often these things happen, right?
When you feed, you know, there are two wolves inside of you.
Which one do you feed?
And we're when you feed something, it can grow.
There can be unintended consequences.
So Hamas is this terrorist group, and we all have some varying degree of familiarity with Hamas.
They are not the Palestinian people.
They are not representatives of the Palestinian people.
They are terrorists whose goal is the erasure of Israel.
They don't want it to exist.
From the blank to the sea, whatever, from the, you know, that's the slogan.
Again, Barry Weiss just not here.
So I'm doing all I can do.
I'm not, I, from what I got a lot of stuff I got to do.
I have a lot of projects going on.
I'm devoting my time to this.
So I'm not going to have every I, you know, dotted.
And the point is, from the, what is the quote?
From the something to the sea.
It's the quote they always say, which means that there'll be no Israel.
It'll just be Palestine.
From the river to the sea, they don't want Israel to exist.
Hamas.
It's not like they want a two-state solution.
They're not like trying to coexist.
They are, they want to eradicate Israel.
And I don't think that's controversial.
You know, I think they would admit that.
I think they are kind of open about that.
And then you see this crazy attack.
They are murdering women and children and elderly people and concert goers that were at a music festival and horrible ways.
You know, it's this situation over there has made both sides see each other as less than human.
And the only way that you can do what Hamas did to people is if you see them as less than human.
In the same way that if a Palestinian teenager, whatever, gets shot in the West Bank or in Gaza by an Israeli security guard, a member of the military, and they just kill somebody in cold blood.
The only way you can really do that, the wanton slaughter of people, is if you see them as less than human, which is when you see stuff like that, because we're soft.
I'm pretty soft now.
I don't encounter things like that ever, like in my real day-to-day life, like that type of violence, that type of even hatred, that type of desperation.
I did when I when I when I was broke, I was around a lot of people, or when I was doing drugs, I knew a lot of people who were desperate and more violent, you know, because that comes with the territory of being a drug addict.
Black Lives Matter Stand00:14:22
That being said, to live a life like I live and most of my friends live where we entertain people, we make people laugh, we eat, we drink, we make merry, we have our problems or whatever.
But when you see the vicious assault on infants, on women, on children, it's unbelievable.
It's unfathomable that anyone could do that to anyone else.
And that's what Hamas did.
They had this attack that was, there's now conflicting reports of whether Iran knew about it or was caught by surprise, if Iran was funding it with the $6 billion that they got in the Iran deal.
Nobody knows.
People are still seemingly pretty vague about what Iran knew and didn't know.
Iran supports Hamas, Hezbollah, which is a militia in Lebanon.
And so people are trying to put that together.
So we all wake up.
This was last Saturday to this crazy fucking, I don't even do an episode.
I go release the episode that we had in the can with the guys from Are You Garbage, whom I adore.
That was going to get held till I was in Australia.
I'm leaving for Australia tonight.
I'm in California right now.
Today is Wednesday, just in case something happens tomorrow.
You want to be, when things like this happen, you want to be clear about what you're saying and when.
So I just said, I woke up and I'm like, I really can't go in there and make any type of joke about this.
It's inhuman.
I had to wait a few days to even process and understand what was happening.
And so, you know, I'm just watching all this stuff happen.
And it's Monday.
So now, of course, Israel is, you know, there's a war.
They've declared war.
And they're now, you know, bombing Gaza.
And now there is probably a humanitarian crisis on the other end, whereas Gaza civilians are dying as well, just like Israeli civilians died.
This is war.
This is what happens.
This is ugly.
And so a few thoughts, because I'm watching your reactions to this on social media.
And the first thought that I had was that it was very interesting, by the way, to say people like Amy Schumer or these other celebrities finally start going like, well, these colleges are a little liberal.
These colleges are a little woke, huh?
Because all over American colleges now, they're doing kill the Jews everywhere from Yale to Harvard to Tufts, where those guys were on paragliders going over the border into Israel and then just shooting people randomly.
And the kids at Tufts University were like, well, that's kind of creative.
They were like, that's pretty smart.
And those are things you say in your dorm.
You don't say them out loud.
But they're saying them in like law reviews.
They're writing them down and pieces of paper that people can look at years from now.
Like, you know, I think the NYU came out and was like, all of the violence that's going on is we laid on the doorstep of Israel.
This is all of these colleges are now saying, hey, decolonize.
What do you think it looks like?
What do you think it means?
It means a couple of infants get killed.
Couple of women and children get killed.
And this is really taken.
And Black Lives Matter, by the way, put up a, get this up.
They put up like a meme and this is not even a thing.
They had to make this.
They have a meme of a guy in the paraglider thing going, I stand with Palestine.
Now, you have to remember, this is on the day or maybe the day after that the news broke where you were seeing the most vicious, horrific scenes you've ever witnessed, really.
I mean, really, really bad.
Now, I'm not saying that there aren't other things happening that are just as bad or that if you looked, you could find them.
I'm not a naive moron.
You guys know that.
You've listened to this show, but this is in your feed.
You wake up, you got the French toast in your mouth, and you're like, God, it was crazy.
Black Lives Matter Chicago goes and tweets that.
That is all, that is it.
And it's, I stand with Palestine.
Now, all of these celebrities had been duped for years.
All you had to realize, all you had to know is know what a con is.
I knew Black Lives Matter was a con because I knew, I know what cons are.
I worked in a subprime mortgage office.
I know what cons are.
I know the look and the smell and the shape of a con.
A con is pretty identifiable if you know one or if you've seen one or if you've pulled one.
And I knew exactly what that was.
It was this very, for example, do Black Lives Matter?
Like the way you say everybody goes, yeah.
Like, of course, like, who's saying no?
Right?
So, but then when you did the tiniest amount of research into it, it's run by these four women.
They're all avowed Marxists, meaning that they don't believe in anything that people, you know, purport to believe in in this country.
They think the nuclear family should be abolished and eradicated in favor of every, the government socially engineering and managing everybody's life.
That was on the BLM website front page, but none of these celebrities went there.
None of them looked into any of the information themselves.
None of them knew that that bitch stole four houses.
And I'm for that.
But that bitch bought a bunch of houses with the money that should have went to people's families who died in shootouts with the police.
So it's always been a scam.
And the things that they've believed, they've concealed them with a very like friendly, you know, and non-controversial fucking, you know, whatever you want to call it logo, which was like Black Lives Matter.
Now the mask is kind of off.
They're tweeting, we're with Hamas, essentially.
You know, I stand with Palestine.
Now you can stand with Palestine, the idea that they should have a state, the idea that you should have a two-state solution, the idea that the settlements are crazy.
I'm going to go into that in a minute.
But the idea that you would tweet this the day after.
And now all of these celebrities, and I know some of these people, and again, they're genuinely befuddled.
They're confused.
They don't get it.
I immediately get, I'm shocked they did that.
I wouldn't have, I don't know who at the meeting said, let's tweet that.
But immediately I'm like, yeah, you didn't know what they believed?
You didn't know what they really thought, but these people did it.
So all of these people now, like I saw Jessica Seinfeld did an Instagram post today.
She's like, these universities are Lambra.
And I'm like, okay, hello, Jordan Peterson.
Welcome to reality.
Like, welcome to the reality that most people live in.
Anybody that pointed out that college kids had gone a little nuts over the past four years was harangued by these people.
They were called a boomer, out of touch, a racist, a white supremacist, a xenophobe, a transphobe, a homophobe.
All of these people were like, if you can't get on board with college kids, they're always right.
Every single person I know who's writing college, when have they ever been wrong?
All my comedian friends on Twitter, my writer friends that now live in tents, they were going, where college kids ever wrong?
They're always on the right side of history.
Why don't you get with them?
And now the college kids are literally in college going, kill the Jews, kill the Jews.
And now all of these people that gave these organizations money, this is a little embarrassing, huh?
Awkward.
It's a little strange.
All these people in real time, they're having like this weird awakening moment where they're like, oh, okay.
Because remember how simple everything was during 2020, how simple and easy it was.
It was the wrong side of history and the right side of history.
Part of the problem, part of the solution.
Took a page out of the Bush doctrine, good or evil, with us or against us.
Now, people are starting to go, wait a minute.
These college kids are a little out of control.
They're a little out of control.
Again, this says nothing about the political reality of the situation, which is not good.
Very difficult, folks.
You can see right now on the floor exercise, what Mr. Dylan excels at is artistry.
The artistry of what he does sometimes is more than the technical.
And sometimes the judges actually give him some points for that.
He actually puts on a real show for the crowd.
He puts on a real show for the crowd.
And you can see the crowd getting into it.
He hasn't really completed the same type of technical feats that other people have, but he really puts on a show for the crowd and he reminds them that he is a performer.
Israel is the problem with Israel kind of has always been they've never been like, hey, here are the borders.
Here's where we're at.
They kind of have always been a little cute with their borders.
They expand, they build settlements.
They go into areas where Palestinians can take deeds out and go, I've owned this property.
I've owned this land.
I've been here forever.
And they evict Palestinians.
And Palestinians are now homeless and they're impoverished.
And this is a huge problem.
And a lot of people are against this.
And unfortunately, it doesn't seem like America, we give Israel a ton of money, but we don't hold them to account.
Like we don't demand certain things of them.
We have in the past.
Bush one did a little bit.
Like there are times when we have said, listen, we need to the idea of a two-state solution, the idea of like, he said, but what we really do is we give them a lot of money and then kind of look the other way and go, do whatever you want.
And they expand the settle, you know, they expand the borders of Israel, these settlements and whatnot.
And this, this, this Gaza Strip that Palestinians live in under this siege, this blockade, occupation, whatever you want to call it, they're living in this, it's an incredibly densely populated region where you cannot get a lot of things in that you would need to survive.
They cannot leave.
They are not allowed to leave.
Like one of the things Netanyahu was like, well, the civilians, I'm telling you now to leave.
We're going to bomb you.
You got to leave.
Where are they going to?
Where are they going?
Palm Beach?
Where are they going to go?
They can't go anywhere.
Where are they going to go?
There's nowhere for them to go.
Now, I'm not saying Israel doesn't have a right to defend.
If that happened anywhere in America, we'd be doing what they're doing.
But the other thing I wanted to comment on was as soon as this happened, and now I've seen all these people's statuses and they're like, we remember the silence of people who were silent.
And you go, well, what?
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Wait, hold the phone a minute.
What do you want me to say?
What do you really want people to say?
Israel's going to defend itself no matter what I say.
There's like, they don't need me.
They don't need Instagram comments to defend themselves.
They're going to go do that.
They're going to do whatever they want.
And I understand after a heinous attack like that, there's justification for what they do.
Now, what they do and how far it goes, you can evaluate, whatever.
But this whole idea that everybody needs to speak up and be heard and be counted.
No, you don't know what people are going to say.
Listen, let people stay quiet.
It's actually good.
Even if they agree with you, if people agree with you, still have them shut up.
They might hurt your cause.
They might hurt your cause.
I've seen a lot of pro-Israel people not help recently.
I checked in, I check on all the social media sites, see what's going on.
And I know a lot of my Long Island friends are like, they should just genocide them all over there.
And it's like, that's just a helping.
But they're pro-Israel.
So the people that agree with you sometimes are often the people you want to go, shh.
You don't need everybody standing up and talking.
We know, listen, nobody's outside of your kids at college.
Nobody's applauding this attack.
I mean, some people are.
You know, but even Gigi Hadid said no.
She goes, I'm not.
Can you get Gigi Hadid or Bella Hadid?
Get one of the Hadid statements up because it was actually very nice.
She did a great job.
My thoughts are with those.
Christians Beheaded by Daif00:16:43
It's too long.
Here's my point.
I'm not doing this.
She's saying, hey, you can't do it.
But she's also saying, she's kind of doing what I'm doing.
You know, but I'm doing it in a better way, I think.
But she's saying, hey, that's what she's saying.
That in a word, that's what she's saying.
It's a three-paragraph thing, but if it had to be a tone, it would be this.
Hey, hey.
It would start up and then go down.
They would be like, hey.
And it would kind of have the guttural ending of like, oh.
You know, I don't know.
Listen, so you have now a situation where everybody on social media is like, we will remember the silence of you.
And you go, good, please, because the talking is no good.
That's not going to help your case.
This is a like, listen.
And then people are like, well, it shouldn't be complicated.
Well, I understand that, but it is.
Everything is complicated.
Nothing is not complicated.
Yes, is stabbing a woman in her face complete?
No.
That's bad.
Now we're in a debate of whether the infants really got beheaded.
There's no evidence that the infants got beheaded.
Yeah, there is evidence that the infants got behind Joe Bayern said they got me harad.
No, they were just killed.
Nobody beheaded them.
Well, actually, if you see the blood splatter patterns, it's consistent with a beheading.
No, no, it's no one got beheaded.
It's like in Iraq when they said babies were an incubator.
And this goes on all day.
These are the people you want speaking up.
These are the people you want talking.
The people who were 50 paragraphs on whether the kids got beheaded or not?
That's where we are.
And if they are beheaded, why it was kind of maybe a little necessary.
Well, the beheadings may have happened, but what?
So these are all the people that you want adding their voices to the great chorus.
The last thing you want is people talking about this.
Quiet down.
Quiet down.
Especially Israel, because they're going to have to go in there.
They're going to do a little stuff in there now, Gaza.
They're going to get what?
Now, this is awkward for me.
The man who planned this whole thing, Daif, get him up.
I think his name is Mohammed.
I don't know if his last name is Daif.
They call him the guest.
He's the head of Hamas.
He's the head of Hamas.
And he is a, he's like a, they call him the ghosts.
The guest, the ghost, whatever.
The ghost, because he's, they can't get him.
Mohammed Daif, secretive Hamas commander known as the guest is Israel's prime target in this war.
This is a guy they have not been able to find forever.
Forever.
Over the past two decades, Israel has tried to assassinate Mohammed Daif several times, maiming him in attacks and killing his wife and baby son.
The commander of the armed wing of Hamas on Saturday inflicted in return one of the deadliest ever Palestinian blows on Israel.
The brutality of the attacks by Iz ad-Din al-Qassam brigades, directed by Daif, have shocked, even hardened Israelis, militants, mowed down revelers at a music festival, murdered entire communities of people on the Gaza border.
We know that.
There's little doubt, though, that Daif is now in the crosshairs.
The Israelis on Wednesday Israeli airstrikes hit the home of one of his family members, killing his brother and his brother's wife and children, according to Palestinian media reports and people in Gaza.
A spokesman for Hamas didn't respond to a request for comment.
In the end, we will get not only him, but the entire leadership of Hamas.
So they're going after this guy.
He's, and I'm not even saying this.
He's renting my house in Austin and has been for literally eight months and is actually a good tenant to a point where I'm, I don't know if I'll call.
I don't know if I'll call because he's actually been fine.
He mows the grass.
Like he's, he's actually, he's a man of faith.
He's quiet.
No, I don't, I don't, I don't know if they'll get him, but that's who they want.
He's the guy that planned this whole thing.
They'll probably get him.
They're going to get everybody.
So it's an ugly reality now where the, you know, is anyone ever going to be able to peacefully live over there together next to each other, two-state solution, anything?
Is anybody ever going to be able to live over there in a way that people can, you know, just is it ever, ever, ever going to happen?
I, it, you know, maybe it will.
Maybe it will.
But it looks like this is kind of a line in the sand here where it's going to get increasingly difficult.
And this war, we're only a few days in.
More stuff's going to happen.
So, I mean, they're calling for this Hamas day of jihad on October 13th.
I'll tell you one thing that's safe, American colleges.
Nobody is killing those kids.
That's little Hamas over there in Tufts.
These kids just want to be cool.
They're weird asexual freaks.
They take pills all day.
And then they see these guys on paragliders going in and killing people.
And these kids are like, fuck, I just want to do something.
That's the problem.
And finally, people are starting to realize that like what they are teaching in college, this is again, it's not about per se Palestine or Israel, but what they are teaching about like what is tolerable and justifiable violence is wild.
And people are now kind of just coming around to that.
This idea that during, you know, the 2016 election, it was go punch a Nazi, punch anyone that disagrees with you.
Find somebody who disagrees with you.
You can attack them.
Words or violence.
Respond in kind.
Respond with violence.
Conservative speaker shows up on campus.
You don't like that?
Try to kill him.
You know, I mean, Ben Shapiro, all these little guys, Ben Shapiro's like, what, 120 pounds soaking wet?
He walks into a room and the entire college of people is trying to kill the guy.
And this was, and then people on the left said, this is okay.
Well, where do you think these kids get these fucking ideas?
Somebody goes to a college to speak and they're allowed to go and physically intimidate them and threaten them and attack them violently.
And everybody in the media goes, well, that's good.
And then something like this happens and everybody's shocked that these kids think this is a great thing, that this is actually a justifiable thing to slaughter people like this.
You know, yeah, so everybody, October 13th, they're saying is the day.
I don't know what, I don't know what, I don't know.
It was funny is this article about Hamas.
If you scroll down, there's actually, it says master the steps to grow your career as a CFO.
And then it says leadership, vision, confidence, management, strategy, teamwork.
And I'm like, if Hamas is that organized, like I was like, if Hamas is actually that organized where they're like vision, confidence, management.
But they're going to recruit people.
This is going to be a global recruitment campaign.
I'm just hoping I'm a fan of less death, less war, less death, some type of negotiation, cooler heads prevailing eventually.
I understand that Israel's got to go and respond.
I understand that.
But also we do have to think long game here.
You know, what is this going to end up being?
This is a region that is never going to be peaceful.
It will never be peaceful for as long as we're on earth.
It's probably going to be a volatile, combustible region forever.
It's just a matter of how volatile, how combustible.
Is it going to spill over into a world war?
Some people were like, well, maybe Russia is trying to get Iran to bait the U.S. into a war.
Trust me, war is the best thing for our economy.
It always has been.
So anybody thinking that, I mean, I know people on Twitter writing that, people that think they know anything.
I don't think Russia had to bait China.
And I could be wrong, but I don't know if Russia had to bait Iran into funding Hamas, who's been doing it for years.
Or I didn't know if Russia had to bait Hamas into doing something that I believe they've been planning for years and wanted to do for years and finally had the opportunity to do.
a lot of people, an article just came out in the New York Times about why Israel's security system failed.
This is one of the most secure places, supposedly on the planet.
And everybody's like, why the hell didn't this work?
You know, Israel's military and espionage services are considered among the world's best, but on Saturday, operational and intelligence failures led to the worst breach of Israeli defenses in half a century.
When anything like this happens, people immediately start thinking, is it a false flag in the sense, not is it a false flag, but was it allowed to happen?
Was this allowed to happen?
I don't know anything.
I'm not suggesting that.
I'm saying when something so good fails, people start going, hey man, what, why?
Shortly before attackers from Gaza poured into Israel at dawn on Saturday, Israeli intelligence detected a surge in activity on some of the Gazan militant networks at monitors.
Realizing something unusual was happening, agents sent an alert to the Israeli soldiers guarding the Gazan border, according to two senior Israeli security officials.
But the warning wasn't acted upon either because the soldiers didn't get it or the soldiers didn't read it.
Shortly afterward, Hamas, the group that controls Gaza, sent drones to disable some of the Israeli military cellular communication stations and surveillance towers along the border, preventing the duty officers from monitoring the area remotely with video cameras.
The drones also destroyed remote-controlled machine guns that Israel had installed on its border fortifications, removing a key means of combating a ground attack.
So this is a very well-planned, well-executed attack.
That made it easier for Hamas assailants to approach and blow up parts of the border fence and bulldoze it in several places with surprising ease, allowing thousands of Palestinians to walk through the gaps.
These operational failures and weaknesses were among a wide array of logistical and intelligence lapses by the Israeli security service that paved the way for the Gazan incursion into southern Israel, according to four senior Israeli security officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity in order to discuss a sensitive matter and their early assessment of what went wrong.
So they had a good day.
This is Hamas having a good day.
It all worked, you know?
I mean, truly, that's what it is.
It worked.
You know, they had all these ideas and they didn't know if these things were going to work, but they actually worked.
And it was obviously a bloody and terrible day.
But for them, you know, when you are trying to pull off something on this level, the fact that all of these things happened and you didn't hit a snag anywhere is somewhat impressive.
So now Israel's retaliating.
Let's look at the Gaza Strip right now.
Do we have a live Gaza Strip?
Do we have anything live we can pull up, see where, because the Gaza Strip is not doing well.
Israel's pounding it, obviously, because they are now trying to take out Hamas leadership.
But, you know, they're going to take out a bunch of people anyway.
There's going to be a lot of civilian casualties, a lot of kids, which is hard.
This is the tough part.
You know, this is the part that everybody, even the staunch supporters of Israel should, you know, have said, like, you know, is there a safe passage to Egypt for some of the refugees here?
Is there a way to get them out of harm's way?
Because nobody can be happy about the murder of women and children.
And, you know, one thing about military-aged men, still not great.
You still have to examine your head if you're really thrilled about the death of anybody.
But when you're celebrating the deaths of the elderly or women or children or infants, there's something very sick.
You've dehumanized your enemy, which is what has happened here for a very long time.
And I don't, and here's what I will say, and this is unfortunate, and people are not going to be happy with this, but I do, I don't think that's one-sided.
I don't think the dehumanization is one-sided.
I think both of these people see each other as less than human.
And I see them both as less than human because I'm a wide Christian man.
We are the ones who win.
No.
But what I'm saying is get the Christians back in, please, and get them all out.
Get them all out.
The Christians are coming back.
My fat aunt and her husband, they're going to the Holy Land because they respect it.
They're not going to do what the Palestinians do.
They're not going to stone gaze.
And they're not going to do what the Israelis do.
Do a bunch of tech startups and then not let me host a daily show.
What my aunt and uncle are going to do is they're going to walk around the cave of the whatever and they're going to fucking eat churros or, you know, whatever, hummus or whatever the hell.
And let the Christians back in here, okay?
Because apparently they need to come back because both of you no good.
No good.
I was thinking about going to Israel and now I'm not even going to go.
I was thinking about doing a trip next summer and I wanted to go to Gaza too.
You don't me.
I wanted to go everywhere.
I could be one of those chics.
Ray looks like the blind sheikh, the one with the eye from 9-11.
But my point is that maybe, and I know there's Christians that live there, but I don't mean them.
I mean middle American Christians.
Give it to them.
Give it to like the Sarah Palin types, you know, the people that live in the middle of America.
Get them and put them there.
And they're not going to have this problem.
They're just going to do dumb shit.
They're going to get fat.
They're going to take cruises.
They're going to commercialize the fuck out of it.
Not in a successful way like Israel, but in a gross way, like they've done to Orlando.
Let them do that.
Let them do that.
The Palestinian little children would love my aunt and uncle.
They would walk around the Gaza Strip with pretzels and feed them like a petting zoo.
And it would be nice.
My aunt would look phenomenal in a burqa.
So would her husband.
And because this, I'm a little, to be honest with you, I'm a little fed up with everybody.
I'm a little mad with every, I'm more mad at Hamas now because they're being a nut now, but I'm a little fed up with everybody.
I think it's high time that the Christians come back.
How about that?
And bring our food like pork and pasta.
What about the Romans?
Romans coming back.
Because we do, though.
We need the Vatican needs to come back here and whip this planet back in shape.
If the Vatican would just get involved.
Automate Shipping with ShipStation00:02:51
Oh, they're closing up on something now.
I wonder what's about to happen.
This is crazy.
You're watching people get bombed.
This is crazy.
And then there's going to be an ad for Trabani flips.
In the middle of this, there's going to be an ad.
They're going to be like, do you like yogurt on the go?
Trabani is not only fun and flavorful, it's chock full of probiotics.
And then you're going to go, oh God.
And then you're going to turn around and then they're going to just, it's going to be like hospital, school, and it makes you watching this stuff fucks your head up.
It's really, it's really, really terrible.
And it's not something that is really avoidable unless you really are going to be crazy.
Like, imagine the people that don't even know this is going on.
They're the real crazy people.
They're like, what are you talking about?
Like, what do you think is going on in the Middle East?
They're like, what?
The what?
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Stop Stolen Land Excuses00:07:59
What are the celebrities saying?
Where are they on this?
Which one?
Where?
All of them.
What do you mean, which ones?
Oh, Noah Schnapp chimed in today.
I know.
He's a sweet guy.
I feel bad.
What do you want?
You know, folks, I got fans everywhere.
I got fans on the strip.
You don't think anybody's paying for that Patreon on the strip?
I got people on the strip.
Gaza Strip.
But I also have people at Tel Aviv.
Noah Schnapp, it was a lovely statement.
He said, we all got to stop.
It's all a version of be nice.
We should all be nice.
He's a sweet guy.
What's he going to say?
You know, he's, you know, his family's there.
He goes there.
He has fun.
Mia Khalifa, the porn stars out there, you know, getting a pussy in the paraglider.
I mean, it's a lot of them are putting out statements and then retracting them like the one I did on my Instagram that was really funny, which is like, literally, this is the way celebrities talk.
Go to my Instagram page because this is what this is like what celebrities, when they talk, this is what they sound like.
Because literally not all celebrities, some of them are quite smart, but a lot of them are incredibly dumb.
And you don't know how dumb they are.
You would lose faith in everything immediately if you knew how dumb people were.
But there exists an apparatus of people to prevent you from ever finding out how dumb they are.
That's the thing.
Everyone thinks they're evil and some of them are, but a lot of them are just dumb.
Like finding out a few of them are evil is people live with that.
They go, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they're diabolical.
Okay.
But finding out how genuinely stupid a lot of them are.
They're so rich and so successful.
But I mean, God, are they fucking dumb?
That would disturb people.
That would bother them more.
And this is the way they talk.
And I kind of parodied this.
I'm like, I've been thinking a lot about the events of the last few days, and I am disgusted by the hatred.
I believe in love and that we need love because love is what makes life worth living.
So to the people who hate, I say maybe just love.
And maybe the stars will shine just a little bit brighter because that's what love does.
It makes the stars remind us of how beautiful they are and the oceans and forests too and all the living things.
And I'm sorry I posted those five other reactions my team took down.
This is what I meant to say.
I like oceans.
Thank you.
That's what, that's the mind you're dealing with with a lot of these celebrities.
But a lot of them have, you know, to their credit, started to realize.
Now, for example, the Palestinians that are surrounding the Sydney Opera House going gas the Jews.
Guess who's not allowed to perform at the Sydney Opera House?
Hi.
Hi, Diana.
How are you?
Oh, it's good.
Welcome back.
Here, come, come here and sit in your Beverly Hills little mug you like.
Let me tell you a story, okay, Diana?
All right.
But I'll have a few things to say about Israel and Palm.
Hey, It's not, I don't think it's...
No, no, no, but, you know, I was dieting a man.
I know, but we can't right now.
This is not productive.
Okay.
Let me tell you, do you know the Sydney Opera House?
Oh, yes, it's in Australia.
Yes, they would not let Tim Dylan perform there.
Really?
Why?
Is it because you say bad stuff about the Ukraine war?
Kind of, yes.
But you know who they let, you know who they let outside?
All the Palestinians chanting gas the Jews.
Oh, wow.
That's interesting.
So you were not allowed to, by the way, people think that I've had a total mental collapse, you know, if they watch this.
Like if they want, like, if, by the way, if you watch this, you would think this is a guy that's had a total mental collapse.
I'm actually, here's what's crazy.
I'm very successful.
That's actually more disturbing.
I'm like incredibly successful at this dumb thing I do.
But this literally, if you just saw this, like if someone walks in here, they would go, this guy's totally lost.
And I kind of have, but they wouldn't, you know, my point is that they got the Palestinians or who, I'm not blaming them.
I don't know who's over there, but they're in Sydney screaming, gas the Jews outside of the opera house.
They will not even let me perform at the opera house.
Okay?
What were they chanting?
Gas the Jews, yeah.
Gas the Jews.
Now, here's what's ironic.
My one-man show that I'm doing is called Gas the Jews.
That's the name of the.
You're not going to get away with jokes like that forever.
I don't know anymore, folks.
I'm just telling you what I'm where I'm at with everything.
The kids in colleges have gone insane.
They are fetishizing violence.
They're justifying anything.
We're on stolen land shit's got to stop.
A lot of countries were founded in ways that were not, you know, however you want to call it, ideal.
That doesn't mean they don't have a right to exist.
It does mean perhaps they can't expand and continually evict people.
I agree with that.
But Israel has a right to exist like the United States has a right to exist.
We're on stolen land is the dumbest.
I'm about to leave America, go to Australia, where literally every time the plane lands, you're like, welcome to Sydney.
And they go, we log to give a, whatever they say, they're like, we log to acknowledge the past, present, and future guardians of the land.
The indigenous.
And you go, hey, guy, will you cut it the fuck out?
Cut it out.
Cut them checks.
Stop with this horse shit.
Cut them checks.
Cut them checks.
Give them casinos.
Give them museums.
Whatever you want to do.
Don't make them live in a nightmare situation.
But stop.
No one's giving the land back.
Stop with the stolen land, dummies.
The dumbest people in the world go, we're on stolen land.
Yeah, most of us are.
It's the dumbest thing ever that fucking fat white women say when they've run out of things to say like we're on stolen land.
Yeah, so and you're going to leave.
I'm just saying these guys got to figure it out.
They got to figure it out.
I'm not going to be, you're not going to find someone as articulate as me.
You know what I mean?
You're just usually, someone's just going to go start killing people.
But what I'm offering is the third way, the way of the talk, the speaking.
I'm offering the, you know, sort of the, you know, just kind of fireside chat where everybody can figure it out.
And this is murder.
It's not, you know, we cannot call this anything else, right?
We cannot, we cannot say that this is some type.
People are messaging me all that.
Everybody's got a problem.
We cannot excuse this.
We don't have to agree with the government of Israel.
You can't excuse the behavior.
That's it, you know?
If you go to Tufts University, you fucking pussy, you kid who's never been in a fistfight in your life, you cannot excuse the behavior in the same way that you cannot also long for an unending, you know, war in Gaza that kills all of the people that live there.
You can't, I understand revenge is what people want.
I understand that.
Cannot Excuse Behavior00:10:50
For a brief period, that's going to happen.
The security system, you know, is necessary to sure that up.
It's necessary to diminish Hamas's ability to do this again.
We all get it.
But, you know, you have to, yeah, tough students for Justice and Palestine group is ripped for obscene comments about Hamas's terrorist attacks in Israel.
Well, it's a lot of Jewish people that give these schools money.
You know who's not giving Harvard money?
My mom and dad.
You know who's not giving Yale money or NYU money?
My family.
So all the Jewish people that give these motherfucking people money, maybe put your wallet back in your pants.
How about that?
That might work because there's not going to be, that's who you're getting the money from.
You know, they're not getting it from me.
I dropped out of community college, as you may have noticed by this 45-minute up-and-down rant.
What he's done here with this routine, which is kind of really just a technical thing that he does, is he's spaced out these maneuvers quite far from each other.
So it really gives the judges a chance to enjoy each one of them on its merits.
A lot of people put them together so that they could kind of get them over with.
But what he does is he does one and then takes a while to just kind of throw it to a little bit of a crowd-pleasing dance before he does another.
It's a riskier move, but he seems more comfortable that way.
I'll tell you this, folks.
I have no wish for anyone to be harmed.
And that's the thing.
I have a lot of Jewish friends that are beside themselves.
And I know a lot of people that take a different, you know, they have a different view of the crisis over there because they're Muslims or Arab and they've grown up with an entire different education.
And, you know, there's not going to be a solution here that anybody thinks about right now.
What we should prevent is a nuclear war.
We should prevent a nuclear war.
We should prevent World War III, a larger war.
We should prevent innocent people getting killed on either side.
We should try to envision, you know, what we can do to make that region less volatile.
But it doesn't see, it doesn't, being honest with you, my audience, I'm going to be honest.
I don't think it's ever going to work.
I don't think it's ever going to work.
Like, I don't know if you would bring in all these people from all over the world into America that have all these different cultures.
Some of them are going to assimilate and respect Western culture.
Some of them will not.
And you're going to have to deal with that.
And they're going to be chanting deaf to this one and deaf to that one.
And, you know, it's just not much you're going to be able to do if you bring in all of these different cultures with the hope that some of them are going to assimilate because cultures have assimilated in the past.
That seems to be the hope.
But then some of them are going to chant gas to Jews outside of the opera house.
So everybody that says, well, if we said one thing about immigration, if people said, well, immigration might have some negatives, every person, every celeb, every left shitlib on Twitter was like, what do you mean, you Nazi scum?
And they were like, no, everybody comes to these places for the same reason.
Because their daughter wants to see Barbie.
And then fast forward, some of those people are chanting gas to Jews outside of a opera house.
Are they being good Australians?
Is that it hasn't been a stellar week for multiculturalism.
It just hasn't been.
It doesn't mean there can't be a better weeks.
There can be some good weeks.
This has not been a great week for multi-gas.
It doesn't mean that it's a completely doomed project.
It means that you're just going to live with some level of it not working out quite as well as you thought.
It's like a marriage.
It's just not going to work out quite as well as you thought.
Because when you're high and you're just tweeting and you're like, everyone's coming to my country to listen to my Kant, which is what all these people thought.
Everybody thought everybody was coming here.
They want to see you two at the sphere, just like we do.
And then some of them actually just wanted to go and chant gas to Jews.
That's what some of them wanted to do.
Was that a test when everybody came in?
Was there, what's your idea of a fun Saturday night?
Are you a homebody or do you want to go outside the opera house and yell, gas to Jews?
Just live with it not working out quite as well as you thought.
If you think it's a good idea to keep invading, as Steve Saylor said, you might not like Steve Saylor.
Most of you retards don't know who he is.
Here's the point.
The people that would hate me for mentioning his name don't know who he is.
Here's the point.
If you're going to continually invade the world and then invite the world, if you're going to knock over all these countries, prop up all these dictators, the Middle East does cling to some of an archaic form of religion, a theocracy, but a lot of that's because we propped up a lot of these goons to begin with because they were doing business with us.
So they oppressed their people and kept their mouths shut.
And they were able to do our bidding and work with our multinational corporations.
Iran is a perfect example from that.
You look at a progressive country that goes, you know, that turns on a dime and now is a huge problem, an incubator of fundamentalist philosophy.
If you keep doing this, if you keep knocking over these countries for the small benefit of a small group of people that live in America, the people that really feast on the corpse of the dying empire, you know, like the people that are really, really making, and it's not just a small group, by the way, and that's the other misconception.
You know, there's a lot of people making money off this empire.
It's not just the ones at the top make more than the rest of us.
But if we all want to adjust our lifestyles downward, you can go to countries that have military industrial complex.
They have one nice restaurant called NOMA, and they live in tiny little boxes and they eat caterpillars and they have a nice Christmas market and it's called Norway or Denmark.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, if you want to live in a 6,000 square foot house in the middle of Texas where nine of the rooms are unused and drive a big car that you can get into an accident in, even if you're drunk and you'll still be okay because you can't afford the spinal surgery that you're going to need if you flip it,
if you want to live that type of life, if you want to spend thousands of dollars on high interest rate credit card revolving debt to buy garbage, fat chairs for your disgusting family to sit in, if you want to go out to restaurants like Maggiano's and the Cheesecake Factory and eat plastic lasagna full of poison every day, someone's got to pay for that.
Someone's got to pay for that kind of life.
Okay?
And it's not just the people at the top that take a lot of the spoils of the way we've lived.
But if you're going to keep going out into the world and knocking these places over and then inviting everybody in and hoping it works out and going, well, it might work.
Well, it might work.
Well, it'll be an adventure.
It'll be an adventure.
And then keep making movies, you know, that romanticize whatever.
This collision of cultures that's fun.
It's sexy and fun.
But it's not so much fun with people chanting gas to juice outside of the opera house that will not let me perform.
So that's really the way it looks.
It's not only the way it looks, it's the way it is.
We've invited a lot of these issues here.
We've brought them here.
Our unending, unwavering support for Israel without giving them any hard line in the sand instructions saying you cannot expand.
You cannot do this.
You cannot do that.
American money will not be there if you do these things.
Also, having an immigration policy that just basically says, hey, if you can cheat your way into this country, you can live here.
If you can cheat your way in, you can live here.
We don't really care what you believe.
We assume you love us.
We assume you love us and everything we love.
That's why you're here.
We assume you love us, that you're coming because you love us.
That's what we assume because we're narcissists.
No matter what we are, we are narcissists.
And it is impossible to believe that you wouldn't be coming here just loving us.
Don't you love us?
But apparently not everybody loves it.
Not everybody loves us.
And not everybody's here to go to the fright night.
Not everybody's there to go to the fucking Halloween spooktacular haunted house.
Some people are there to chant gas to Jews.
Yeah, I mean, that's what it is.
So all the people that say only positive things about these experiments, these large-scale social experiments, which is what immigration is to a certain point, it becomes an experiment.
We're trying it out.
We'll try it out.
And it might work.
It's worked in the past to certain degrees for certain people more than others, but it certainly worked.
And now we're going, well, this might work too.
It may.
It may not.
But really, my final word here is love.
We Need Love and Guns00:04:30
We need it.
Do we need it or not?
We need it.
And I don't, you know, I just don't, we need a gun that shoots it.
We need a gun that shoots love.
If I was God, if I was God, I would just ever, it would just be a big party over there.
If I could make Israel a big party, if I could get every American corporation to just go into the Gaza Strip and just make it into a big mall so that they could enjoy it.
Everybody could work at a Lowe's and be divorced, you know?
Because that's the best, the best reality in America is just to work at a Lowe's and be divorced and have a kid that doesn't hate you.
I mean, sure, people do better than that here, but on average, on average, the best you can do in our country is to work in a Lowe's that is located in an outlet mall 45 minutes from your house and have a daughter that doesn't absolutely hate you.
And you got a few nice friends at the Lowe's.
You got a few nice friends and you don't see each other that much out of work.
You did one time, but it was kind of weird.
You got a few of the guys together and you went to a restaurant called Yard House.
Google it.
I'm not doing that whole thing again.
But you went to Yardhouse and you got Chika Nachos and it was fun enough.
It was fun enough.
And you kind of see a woman who you think might be seeing someone else.
She said she'll never live with anyone else again and never get remarried.
She put the boundaries up immediately, which you thought was a little harsh up front, but you kind of like it now.
She's a little cold and stares off.
She smokes a lot and says she has no plans on stopping.
That is the best you're going to do in this country on average for the most part.
You work at a Lowe's and you're divorced.
You date a woman who's a smoker and has no plans on stopping and she says, I like waking up alone.
Your daughter doesn't completely hate you.
She pities you, which you think might be a little worse.
But you're not bleeding out in the Gaza Strip.
And that's the promise that we can make is if you get it together out there, you nuts, if you get it together, relax with the religion on both sides.
Relax with all the weaponry.
Relax with the killing.
If you're lucky, one day you will be driving alone 45 minutes to work in a Lowe's.
Your daughter will call you.
She will say, I'm going away for the weekend, but I'll call you when I get back.
I really miss you.
I love you, Dad.
You will say, thank you, honey.
You will put your phone down.
That smoker, that woman you're dating, will also call you.
She'll say, I'm around tonight.
That's as romantic as she gets.
And you'll put your phone down.
And you'll think to yourself, you know what?
It's not that bad.
And you'll never see the teenage driver coming.
You'll never see the teenage driver coming.
You'll smile thinking about your daughter and the somewhat mediocre sex you'll have with that whore later on.
You'll never see that teenage driver coming.
You'll hear the smack and you'll feel the glass and a few of those shards of glass will get into your smile.
But you went out nice.
You went out good.
And they'll wonder where you are tonight at Lowe's, but they won't call you.
They won't call you.
Your phone won't ring.
And you knew they wouldn't call you.
As you lay there dying, you go, they won't call.
They'll just think it's one of those nights.
That's the American win.
So if you get your fucking act together out there in the desert, you could have that.