Tim sits down with comedian Dan Soder about experiences in the back of a Colorado theater, acting, dating models and what comes after a naked dating show.American Royalty Tour🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/Pre-Order ‘Death By Boomers’ By Tim Dillon👉 https://rb.gy/gafn4SPONSORS:Morgan & Morgan:For more information go to forthepeople.com/timNutrafol:Head to Nutrafol.com/men & Use Promo Code TIM.▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
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Lauren Boebert's Theater Hand Drop00:14:32
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show, Dan Soder, Colorado, your representative Lauren Boebert, getting frisky.
Have you ever been, have you ever gotten a movie theater hand drop or a Broadway?
I've theater hand drop, blowjob?
I mean, it's going to get, the first time I ever touched a woman's pubic hair was during Batman and Robin when it was in theaters.
In Aurora, Colorado?
In Aurora at the Seven Hills Movie Theater.
Jesus.
With the girl I was dating, but this is how stupid I was.
Most of the time you go in through the top of the pants.
Of course.
It was the summer.
I went up the leg like a true 13-year-old boy.
Interesting.
I had no idea what I was doing.
And then I remember that was the first time I ever touched someone else's pubic hair.
And I was like, whoa, in the theater through the city.
In the leg.
In the theater through the leg completely blew it.
Probably could have gotten a lot more had I entered properly.
Was she like, what's happening?
Yeah, yeah.
She cheated on me that summer with two other guys who both like knew what they were doing.
Jesus Christ.
That was one of those things where you're like, I fucked up.
Yeah.
I fucked up.
But seeing Lauren Bobert do that, you're like, oh, that's a clear, you just got divorced move.
Because you know, what's funny about watching like elected officials is like, George Santos is from Long Island.
He just lies.
So you know.
They're all liars.
So you know what kind of, what kind of lie he's going to come up.
Absolutely.
And I know Lauren Bobert's coming from the Western Front, the other side of the mountains, where it's like Garfield County, you know, where you're like, sure, there's Aspen.
Yeah.
But then there's also Glenwood Springs.
It's not all Aspen and Carbondale.
There's a lot of like small little towns where they're like, they shoot guns in order to show joy.
Show that they're happy.
Yeah.
And she was going in.
I mean, she's giving him kind of, it looks like she's going in.
She's going in.
My favorite part about all of this.
My favorite part about all of this is when you find out it's a first date.
Right.
Because that's third date, totally fine.
That's a great point.
The first date, you're like, she got into it.
Yeah.
That means, because this is the show.
Yeah.
So they, they clearly got drinks, probably went to dinner.
Right.
And then headed down to the Buell Performing Arts Center.
Right.
They were probably, you know, in Lodo, downtown, probably having a little, and then they go, and she's just ripped.
She's hammered.
She's ripping a vape.
Yeah.
Pregnant lady asks her to stop.
She's like, shut up, bitch.
Right.
And then he's just fondling those tits.
Because he knows he's like, if I get her liquored up and we go to Beetlejuice the Musical.
There's no way.
Nothing gets this girl hotter than a Michael Keaton vehicle.
Yes.
She's not even into this anymore.
Betelgeuse the Musical is just going to get her in the right frame of mind.
Unfortunately, Mr. Mom doesn't, Mr. Mom, the Musical doesn't open for five months.
It does not work.
I could take her to Beetlejuice.
Yeah.
And my dick's coming out.
There's got to be, not the people next to them, but the people on the opposite side of the aisle just being like, is that woman grabbing that dude's dick?
What's funny is, apart from it being Lauren Bobert, there's definitely just people in the theater going like, who's this piece of shit?
And the reveal.
The reveal that it's your representative.
You know, remember back when they did commercials for movies where they would do the audience reaction as they left where they're like, best time of the summer.
If they would have taken those people and been like, did you know that was Lauren Boebert?
They'd have been like, holy shit.
Like if they would have grabbed that blast radius of who she was around.
Yeah, it's just people being like, we had no idea there was a whorehouse operating at Beetlejuice the musical.
I don't know.
She must have walked from Colfax.
It was incredible.
Because you know that no one knew until the news.
That's right.
Maybe even a couple people at the theater maybe knew.
Right.
But most of those people around her are like, who is this slut in this dress?
A drunk person acting inappropriately in public, which is not rare.
Now, if I could have informed them yeah, informing them that it was Lauren Bobert probably would have been about third on the list.
Yeah, because what I first would have done was gone.
Now that woman's 36 right, and they go okay.
And i'd go.
She's a grandma, and they'd go okay.
What's fun about her is that you know she is a wild woman.
Like her husband and her used to get in brawls.
The cops would come.
Which, I mean, dude, you know, honestly, the Colorado blood in me understands voting for that.
Oh, yeah.
You want someone who's going to defend your state the way she defends her car from her husband with a bat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like someone where it's like, oh, you really are like a Rihanna song.
And what's funny the whole thing is what's funny about her is like, you know, she had no interest in politics.
She was working in a bar, some bar called shooters or something.
That was her bar.
It was her bar.
She owned the bar.
Yeah.
And she was like, this is what I'm about.
And then somehow she became a congresswoman.
I honestly, I get it.
Yeah.
Because 13-year-old me.
Yeah.
If I'm making up a woman to jerk off to, I'm watching all these action movies.
I'm like, she's got a Laura, Lauren Croft, a Tomb Raider gun on her leg.
Yeah.
She's just, you know, not taking shit.
She'll fight right by your side.
Right.
Then you find out she's just fast and loose out of the body.
She's fucking in the theater.
Which, by the way, I would have much rather, my mom made me go to Joseph and the Tech, Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in that theater when I was like 11.
Right.
If I would have been there, I would have been like, I'm a theater.
I'm a theater nerd.
Oh, yeah.
If you had watched Lauren Boebert jerk someone off during fucking Beetlejuice, you would have been like, we're never not going to the theater.
I love the arts.
Right.
I love the arts.
More funding for the arts.
No, I mean, that's amazing that she did that.
Get up the TMZ where she responds to it because they did catch her.
And what I like about her is she's just kind of like, hey, now the guy that she's fucking on, like a gay bar.
He owned a bar where they had a bar where they had drag nights.
He's a Democrat.
Yeah.
And I love that she's like, wow, fuck.
She had such a...
But it's also people that are surprised about it.
She's like, no, no, no, I'm a whore.
I don't care who.
I'll sleep with anyone.
It doesn't matter.
You could have been Al-Qaeda.
I would have sucked him off in the back.
Right.
So here we go.
This is Lauren Boehmer.
I know it's, you know, been a rough week.
What has it been?
You know, it's always hard whenever there's gravity put on the voters.
I'm here to provide levity and lift burdens off of people.
Hold on, pause this already.
She's already got hot.
She's already got hot girl giving a book report.
She's in front of the class.
You know, she wants to walk up and go like, shit happens.
Guy had a hog.
With that shoulder showing and that Colorado hat that she looks like she bought at DIA.
She's not a bad looking woman.
She's hot.
She's hot.
And she probably walked across the street being like, ah, you sex some, you fuck some, and you lose some.
Right, but see, now she's got to like run that back.
It's very interesting.
The gravity.
She might as well have given tent fingers.
She's like, the gravity of the situation.
This is like when my parents would be like, hey, there was $100 on the mantle.
It's not there anymore.
I'd be really high.
I'd be like, well, you know, the spatial relationship between objects.
Honestly, with inflation and everything going on right now, I think we can understand.
You know, big banks do way worse.
Yeah, right.
Let's see this.
Lauren Boebert.
What has it been?
You know, It's always hard whenever there's gravity put on the voters.
I'm here to provide levity and lift burdens off of people.
So anytime that they're carrying mine, it's something that you got to kind of feel deep inside.
But ultimately, all future date nights have been canceled.
And I learned to check party affiliations before you go on a date.
But all in all, it was mostly a lovely time.
And, you know, I've taken responsibility for my actions.
Would love to know how the musical ended.
And I encourage people to go and see it.
But yeah, it was a great time back in the district seeing voters.
So how are the voters taking it?
How are the voters taking it right now?
Are they understanding at this moment?
Yeah, there's a lot of folks who are certainly understanding and they understand that it was a part of my shit.
There's a lot of people dragging off to this right now all over the world.
You know what's surprising is our response to Sarah Palin was an immediate porn parody starring Lisa Han.
It was almost immediate.
It's incredible that there is already not a porn parody called like Congresswoman in the theater.
I would say that if it's not already there, it's in the works.
Yeah, they're filming.
It's absolutely in the works.
Yeah, in the valley, there's a studio converted into a fake theater.
It's just if you're if you're not doing that, it's wasted time.
What do you do?
They give you this.
It's wasted time.
I mean, she is.
That's what's going to bring the world together is more porn parodies of politics.
Of politics.
I want the Hunter Biden crack whore fuck tape parody.
I want the Lauren Boebert theater one.
Theater dick parody.
I want Marjorie Taylor Green and a CrossFit.
You know those like muscle porns where it's like.
She's like a cross-hit mom.
Yeah, and this is like a super jack guy on steroids.
Well, this is like Colorado being from Colorado, you know, it's like a little wild and the people that live there like to feel it's a little wild.
So this kind of fits into what people do.
It's exactly what it is.
That's right.
It is mini-malls built on stolen land.
That's right.
And you're only three generations removed.
Right.
My mom and I were talking.
My mom was like, yeah, your grandfather was born 1924 or 1925 in Alt, Colorado.
And immediately I was like, oh, so there's definite blood on our hands.
Right.
So what did you guys do?
You came in and killed all the Native Americans?
Yeah, you just broke all the treaties.
Right.
Took all the land.
Right.
And then acted like, what are you talking about?
The Chili's has been here forever.
Right, right.
That chilies is ancestral.
That's Manifest Destiny.
Yeah.
That Applebee's off Islaf.
Yeah.
That was created by God.
Is there anything about it you miss?
Colorado?
Yeah.
There is what you're talking about with the people.
There is this like joyful curiousness that people in Colorado have.
Right.
So they're kind of like, oh, and what do you do?
Whereas New York, which I still enjoy, New York's mind your own fucking business and look forward.
Whereas Colorado's like, and what are you?
Who are you?
But that can also go real sideways where it's like, who the fuck are you?
Well, you were on one of the most New York shows ever.
Billions is one of the most New York shows ever, right?
It's very being by your studio, we were talking.
Yeah.
I'm downtown and you're in the heart of your.
Walking here, I was like, guys, guys, please.
Because young finance guys are, they just come up to you all the time.
Yeah.
They think I'm Mafi.
They think I'm Mafi from Billions.
Right.
They have a hard time separating.
As a wrestling fan, they're into it.
If I met Kane, I would think he's Kane, the burnt brother of The Undertaker.
Have you become friends with any of those guys at all?
Any of those finance type people?
Not, I mean, there's a couple people that have worked in finance that have gotten out that I know, but no guys that are like in it that are like, I'm friends with you.
When you were filming that show, did they ever bring in a Stephen Cohen or oh, they did?
Yeah, they brought in, there was an episode in season four where we did like a boxing match.
Yeah.
Me and Kelly O'Coyne, who plays Dollar Bill.
We did like this charity boxing event.
Yeah.
And you know all those people.
You know me.
I know Colorado folks and shit like that, but I don't know a lot of finance people.
And I was talking to this guy in between sets when they were like changing setups.
Just having a conversation with this older guy, and we were talking about something completely benign.
And he walked away and Brian Koppelman or David Levine walks up to me and goes, do you know who that guy was?
I was like, no, I have no idea.
He's like, that's the guy that shorted Enron.
Oh, wow.
And I was like, oh, good job.
Guys like that would just hang out on the set.
Well, they would be like, they would make them cameos in ways of like, if you knew who it was, you'd be like, oh, if you were super into finance, you would know who that is.
Right.
But I didn't know who it was.
I was just trying to talk to Rich Eisen, and then I got shot down trying to make small talk with Jocko Willett.
Willink?
Willink?
The Navy SEAL guy who's on Rogan all the time.
Dude, I got swatted trying to do small talk with him.
How do you start small talk with him?
We were just standing there with coffees or we were just sitting there.
I had a coffee and he was just standing there.
And what are you like?
What do you, hey, hey, buddy, what do you think about pushing yourself to the limit?
I go, you're a fan of that?
Hey, you look like a pussy.
Just antagonize him immediately.
No, I started talking to him about like, oh, where are you in from or whatever?
He's like, San Diego.
And I was trying to talk to him about American comedy companies.
Oh, interesting.
I was like, oh, I work on.
That wasn't the route.
That was not the route.
Dude, it was like, I might as well have talked to him about Joseph and the amazing technology coach.
He was like, yeah, I don't know.
No, he doesn't care.
I was like, Gaslight, the gas, Gaslamp district.
He goes, yeah.
I go, it's pretty crazy.
He goes, yeah, it was a lot worse a couple of years ago.
And then it just, conversation went nowhere.
You're like, America Comedy Co.
He's like, I killed three men there.
He's like, I split two men's heads open.
It's what we used to call Panama.
Yeah.
He's like, it was ruled self-defense, but good.
He's like, you bombed on small talk.
Good.
Yeah.
And what was he doing at Billy?
Was he on the show?
Yeah, he was, he trained Kelly's character.
Gotcha.
I had Stipe Miotic and Tim Ferriss, and he had Deontay Wilder and Jocko.
And they were training you.
You know, we did like a fake training scene.
Right.
So, yeah.
So, you know, when we're on set, everyone's in the same place in the same hole.
Is the show over?
Yeah.
Yeah.
This final four episodes are airing right now.
And that's it.
That's it.
It's done.
There's no Billions movie.
Harvey Weinstein Parody Refusal00:02:35
No, no, no, no.
I don't know.
I don't.
Billions.
Dude.
Is there a Billions Miami?
There was a rumor.
I hope it's just a rumor.
I don't know.
God, I pray it's just a rumor.
I tell you what, you see this face.
Yeah.
Just know I'm on heroin.
Right.
If I pop up on that show.
If you see me on that show, I'm shooting in booths.
You've lost it all.
I'm fucking.
If you're in Billions, Miami, and there's a scene with you on a balcony being like, the thing about NFTs, you're on Harold.
It's me talking to McDaniel and being like, the Dolphins are like an investment that you got to short.
Just know that I got black tar pumping through my veins.
Yeah, things are bad.
There's just certain things you got to say no.
Yeah.
It was.
Yeah.
Well, the one time I didn't, and you know, your former manager, my current manager, Brian's best.
Brian's best.
Great.
It's great.
It's great.
That's what he says every phone call.
Yeah.
I love him to death.
I love him.
Early in my career, I did Guy Code, right?
On MTV too.
He told me recently I should go on tour as Lizzo, just out of nowhere.
He's famous in the out of nowhere text.
Oh, he's like, go to on tour as Lizzo.
I'm like, do blackface on tour for like, but these were his ideas.
Called me once and he went.
He went.
I did some parody of like pretending to be Donald Trump's son.
Yeah, I remember that you gotta do a Harvey Weinstein parody.
You're Harvey, it's hilarious, I go.
But that would be like making fun of rape victims.
I said that would be bad.
He goes right, don't do that very bad, don't do that at all very bad.
He called he, um, Guy Code ended yeah, or it was ending.
And they were like, and the creator of Guy Code called me and was like we're gonna do guy court where you can, where people can take, where people can take their friends who have broken Guy Code oh, and they can take them to court.
Oh boy, and it's all, it's all.
The cast members of Guy Code are the lawyers.
Donll Rawlings was the judge.
Uh, Melanie Iglesias was the bailiff, so they had it all in place.
And Stern calls me and he's like what do you think?
And I was like I don't want to do this, it's ridiculous.
Yeah, it's crazy, it's not my personality at all.
And he's like i'm gonna ask for crazy money.
I go, all right.
And he calls me back.
They're in for four episodes.
I was like oh oh, dude.
And then I did it and it was, yeah, I did not fit in.
Sometimes you just have to eat it.
Yeah, I just ate it.
You just ate it, I ate it and you're like hey, maybe there's some good will come out of it.
Eating It in Queens Spots00:15:22
So billions Miami yeah, just know, if i'm because they never let anything die nothing, nothing will be ever let die.
So people it will.
I mean, look at the many saints in New York.
Abortion, that was wild Abortion.
If you watched that movie without watching Sopranos right, I don't understand how you could follow it.
I mean, it's crazy, they wouldn't let it die.
It's just like we won't let it go like the Breaking Bad movie.
We didn't need it.
No, no one needs it.
I even forgot they made that till.
You just said that's crazy.
They made it.
They made a Breaking Bad movie.
Now there's good things that came out of Breaking Bad, like Better Call Saw.
That's what the?
That's the difference.
A spin-off can be good, but it very rarely.
Now, I don't, you know.
I love the guys that created billions.
Yes, I think they're awesome.
I love the.
I love the guys that billions are about.
Yeah, you like Steven.
I like the real people behind Steven when we did season one.
I love his art collection.
I I, I like it and I liked it.
He buys a painting for 300 million and then sells it for like 500 million a couple years later.
Are you trying to do that?
Are you doing a little bit?
I'm not doing any of that, but i'm doing like I own a few things, but I don't know what's going to happen.
But my schizophrenic mother just died and we're doing a show with her works.
Really well, my mother was bedridden and schizophrenic for uh, the last 20 years of her life, but she painted a few things and what we're gonna do is fix them up a little bit, give them some political.
You know like, put some stuff in there and then we're gonna do, we're gonna rent a gallery and so on try to sell it to rich idiots.
I fucking love that the thing.
When you make a little money, what you realize is that rich people are actually scammed as often as the poor.
I think, get it up, get him up.
I think, look at that, look at that.
If you did an empty from a schizophrenic mind the previous one, if you do like an empty Joe Biden head yes, then we're gonna do.
We might do a Bloody Richard Nixon face, something that's gonna sell, could sell it's.
Here's what it's gonna sell.
It's gonna sell to a 24 year old kid whose dad run, ran Black ROCK, fucking one of those things.
Yeah yeah, and he's gonna buy that.
My one of my favorite moments with you is we were driving back from a gig.
This is fucking like 10 years ago, maybe less.
We were driving back from a gig and we went by the mental institution and we were on.
We were going over the Queensboro Bridge and you just go, or the Triborough Bridge and you just go, that's where my mother is.
You just casually pointed at a mental hospital as we're driving by and you go, that's where my mom is and I was like whoa, all right, that was fucking out of nowhere.
That's where she was for a little bit and then she got moved.
Then she was in Jamaica Queens.
That was where she was at the end and I said this to you when I saw you in LA a couple months ago in July or in August.
I said, Tim's the only person I know where his success caught him up to his tastes.
Yeah, because he used to go to fancy restaurants.
I would go all the time to, because you would need I would need like a pick-me-up, because I was living a very broke life for very long.
Yeah, and it was like you know, I was living with comics and like in shitty apartments horrible apartments in a showers were in the kitchen, legendary in the New York comedy scene.
Like the apartment I lived in.
Like Giannis, Nate and Laker did a podcast in this apartment that I lived in with a married couple, Justy and JF, who were married wait, that's where they used to do their old 45th between 8th and 9th Avenue.
Chris Laker Giannis, Ted Alexandro maybe that was the three.
I think Nate also did it.
No, it was Nate, Laker and Giannis were the parts.
Laker and Giannis did a podcast in this called it could be better or something, and it was in this.
It was in.
This little bit was a fifth floor five story walkup shower in the kitchen, crazy steam heat pipes in the room.
Your foot would hit it, you'd be burned.
You'd wake yourself up.
Rats, bed bugs I mean roaches and then you you caught.
But you would still go to fancy districts.
I would still go to like go to like a fancy steakhouse and sit there at the bar yeah, and like stare at everybody like i'm alive.
Yeah, and now you can sell them your mother's painting.
Well, that's my plan.
My plan is to say, because you start realizing how much rich people get ripped off because they're they just have all this money sitting around and they're they just they need to get rid of it.
By the way, that's every documentary, every documentary.
It's just a guy that has too much money yeah, and then a guy that's kind of smart yeah, comes in and just takes their money yeah, and then they don't know for years.
Like there's this article about get this thing up, this Vanity FAIR, about this guy that pretended to be a Roth Child and he just bought a townhouse yes, in Soho, and he and he hung out with like Leo and all these celebrities right, The Caprio, all these guys and all these like finance Nepo babies and all these European royalty.
They were all doing coke in his Soho townhouse and then he was outed as just being this kind of schlubby orthodox Jew from New Jersey.
I love it, but here's the deal.
That's what you're supposed to do.
Yes, like that New York scene should only last for a couple of years and it should be intense.
Yeah, it should be coke with Leo and Soho and then you got to get out of there, because he got the best of that scene in New York.
Yeah.
What are you going to do?
That gets boring after a while.
You got to do it and then get out of it.
It's like the drug dealer movie where you know the part of the movie when the drug dealer needs to leave.
That's right.
If you're like, you walk away right now.
That's right.
You did it.
That whole scene in New York, which when we were going on the road together.
Right.
I had just broken up with a woman that was in that scene.
Right.
And Kim knew the players the way I know rosters of NFL teams.
Well, it's always interesting to me these people that ran the world.
Yeah.
Because one of the girls that we would talk about, her father was wealthy beyond comprehension.
I mean, it was more than 300 million.
So it's always interested me, like the people that run the world, especially people we don't know who they are, right?
Yeah.
Because they don't want you to know who they are.
They have no, they don't want any fame.
The Lauren Boberts, they want it.
They want to.
They want it.
That's why you can be sure she's not controlling anything.
If you look at the American government and you go, oh, and you see it as like a crime syndicate or a mob family, all of a sudden everything makes sense.
When you see it as like that if a bill becomes a law, that cartoon we all rate, then you're like perpetually confused.
And you're like, I don't understand how did they get this and that?
And then you're like, oh, no, no, no, there's a whole element that you're not even aware of.
You don't even see.
Social studies would be more effective in school if you taught the mafia structure more than the three branches of government.
If you're like, this is the dawn.
This is the capo.
This is your soldier.
This is good earners.
This is how they get made.
But I always knew, like, I always read about New York rich kids because I grew in, growing up in Long Island as like a Long Island animal.
Yeah.
You were kind of like interested in what went on in the city.
Yeah.
And all the city kids went to prep schools.
And they all went to rehab by the time they were 13.
And they all went to rehab.
They're all in private schools.
Like my parents tried to get me into Regis, which was like a free private school I couldn't get in.
But I was always interested, like these kids that live that life, what happens to them.
And the only way to break into that truly is to do what this guy did, which is lie.
More power to him.
Yeah.
Because those people want to be lied to.
Their life is lies.
Their parents lie to them.
They lie to each other.
Everybody lies in that scenario because everybody's trying to save face and protect their own interests.
So lying is perfect.
And you do it until you're found out.
And then when you're found out, you just melt back into society.
Who cares?
And you had your fun.
And I'm for it.
You know who's not mad they got lied to?
Yes.
Those rich kids.
They don't care.
They don't really care.
They don't care.
It's actually a little fun.
Yeah, because they go, oh my God, there's a story about this kid.
This guy, he was just so random.
It was just so random.
It's so random.
Honestly, we were about, that's why.
We were in Anguilla and I got attacked.
Oh, dude, I didn't even know.
So random.
I remember I didn't know what Anguilla was when I started dating.
Can you tell the Pierre story?
Oh, it's my favorite story.
It's my favorite story that I've ever heard.
Because Dan used to take me on the road early, early when he was dating this person.
And we would talk about like how out of my depth I was.
I met her on Raya.
I was way out of my depth.
Yeah.
Way out of my depth.
I was living under a train in Queens.
Right.
She refused to come out there.
She refused to go out.
She only visited you like twice.
Once.
Once.
And she was like, I'm not.
This is crazy.
You think I'm going to go to Queens?
Which I remember when you told me that in the car, I was like, I agree with her.
And I was taking a risk because this was the guy who was opening for her.
I was like, but I agree with her.
And let me tell you why.
Let me tell you why.
We would go on the road and I would like say it to Tim, expecting him to be like, that's fucked up.
But instead, Tim was like, this lady rules.
And he also knew.
I just love the idea that he goes, so I live in Queens.
And she goes, oh, I won't be doing that.
Yeah.
She goes, I live in Soho.
You'll be coming here.
So she went to a, it was Friday night.
I had spots.
Yeah, do a couple shows in the city.
She was going to a benefit, as they all do.
Right.
They all get dressed up and go benefit things that aren't real to society.
Right.
No, it's fake.
I truly believe this was to save art work art in Venice.
It was something like to the point where I talking shit.
I went California.
Like, Italy.
Right.
So I go do my spots.
I know that she's going with a friend, this, this very wealthy friend.
They're both wealthy, but like wealthier, the top dog.
Yeah.
Where they're going to this benefit.
She calls me later and she's like, come over.
We're done.
I got home early, come over, you know, and I was, we were fresh into dating.
So I was like, yeah, of course I will.
And I came over and her friend was changing.
And I went, did you save all the artwork in Venice or whatever?
I was kind of being talking a little shit.
And she goes, it was a wonderful benefit.
And they start talking.
And her friend's like changing, like taking off her earrings or whatever.
And she goes, it was at the Pierre.
And then she looks at me and she goes, it's a hotel.
I love it.
I love that.
Like I was a small, retarded boy.
Because here's the thing.
Here's why you got to have a little empathy for these people.
It was great.
By the way.
Their lives actually are kind of horrible.
Yeah.
They're very cold.
They have no stakes.
They don't really feel.
The lives that you think they have are actually, it's weird.
They're all in little prisons.
Yes.
It's obviously not like, woe is me.
Let's feel bad for them.
But like in the full picture of their life, when they do stuff like that, it's kind of funny because you got to realize, like, I always give the example.
There's this bathing, this beach club in Southampton, the Southampton Bathing Corp.
They have this tiny little waspy club.
They don't let anybody in.
They sit on.
They got this little stretch of beach in Southampton.
They used to run the world.
Now the Arabs and the Muslims, the Chinese, the Jews, they all run it.
But the wasps just sit there.
They got their spots.
They got granites.
They got whatever.
But they're sitting on this little sliver of beach.
And there's just these Ichabod Crane type dudes.
Yes.
And the women with white, you know, white linens on the beach with the little hats reading books.
And you realize you're like, this little thing, this is all they have.
All she has, in addition to the billions, all she has is to go like, it's a hotel.
Like, and how bored is she of that hotel?
Well, and how much does she hate everything?
The one thing I realized by being around those people, I'd never been around those people.
I'm from the burbs of Denver.
But they have to exist and they have to be sociopaths and they must be cold and they cannot feel or we will lose.
And that is true.
That is literally true.
That is true because the Chinese will win if they are not cold.
If they start acting like us, getting on stage, being like, love me, I'm a girl.
You know, if they start doing that, it's over.
They have to be.
They're going to lose their wealth.
They're going to lose their power.
And then we're fucked.
And then we're all done because I'm in a waffle house and Aurora, they got to figure it out.
They're building a bot.
Yeah, Village Inn is just worried about, you know, going and getting diner food.
You're not.
Yeah.
But one thing I realized being around those people is.
They just can't fuck kids and raise my taxes.
Go on.
Yes.
All everything they have is great.
Yeah.
So nothing's good.
That's correct.
So nothing is ever impressive.
Nothing's ever impressive and nothing, you know, can ever be, for example, we have lots of talks about like what someone's mind, what state someone's like.
They have to, their emotions have to be constantly put in check by the reality in which they exist.
They are definitions of they are economic soldiers.
That's right.
They're like, you fucking shut the fuck up.
That's right.
Soldier up.
That's right.
We're going to destroy that person.
And you need them.
Here's the thing.
You cannot have a country where those people are always going to be at the top.
Those 10%, whether it's communism, capitalism, whatever, they're always going to be at the top.
You just have to make it so that they can't destroy the entire world.
Yes.
But they need to be out there earning, taking risks, being crazy, jumping out of windows occasionally, sending their wives to the institution.
Oh, there's people that are, there's people that are sent to third world countries when they know too much about them.
That's right.
They're excommunicated.
They got to go.
There's children who are cut off that end up doing drugs.
There's all of that because you're right.
They are so locked into like, we need to make sure this is okay.
It's the food chain.
Who are we letting in?
It's the food chain.
And they always fascinated me.
They never want, they don't want people to know about them and they don't want people to join them.
Yeah.
And listen, in a perfect world, you'd go, no, society wouldn't be structured around those people.
And yet no society ever hasn't been.
Every society in history, those group of people will rise to the top.
It's an inevitability.
They're American blue bloods.
It's an inevitability.
They are American royalty on sale right now.
What's funny?
And that's why I call the tour that, because, you know, really, you would think American royalty would be a guy that looked like me in a shirt from DXL.
The same one that Pick J. Okrison wears because they make three sweatshirts.
They've just given bigger people the choice of three.
You go, you go, these are your customers.
It's blue.
It's green.
We maybe have slacks coming in.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Maybe.
But it's like these people, the more and more I read about them, it's not that I feel bad like crying.
It's that, you know, you, you know, my friend and his wife, they're teachers and they live in Long Island and they have this house they love and it's a it's a cute little house.
They've got these two cute little kids and they got a yard and they're so happy.
Like they're, they, they came to see me, you know, at the Paramount.
They were like, they're just such happy people and they're so happy for me.
And it's genuine.
Like, they're like, you get to do something that's, that you like.
And like, isn't that awesome?
And like, they're just super cool people.
And it's like, they are much happier than these people will ever be.
Without a question.
The Bank Account Audit Scandal00:06:03
When I was upset about everything and I like wrote jokes about it because I was emotional in the moment, I realized I was too weak for that world.
Yes.
I was way too weak for that world.
As well as am I.
Yeah.
Like I are.
Our weakness is our strength because the sensitivity we have to have to do the shit we do.
Absolutely.
Or look at stuff.
Yeah.
No, no, that world is, we are bitches.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
We are the rappers that act like we talk about it.
But then you go see the real drug dealers and the murderers.
You're not about it.
I'm not about that.
You're not about it.
I'm not about it.
And once once I realized that I don't wish anyone ill will.
Truly.
I reached out to that after we broke up or whatever.
I wrote a joke and then I reached out to her and I was like, hey, sorry about that.
I got all like emotional about that.
Right.
What did she say?
She was like, yeah.
It was just like, yep.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
The thing about those people is they know if they let it seep in.
Even a little.
They can't.
Even a little.
They cannot.
You know, you know, Marble's very porous.
Yeah.
I've learned this the hard way.
When a little bit of water seeps in, causes a real problem.
Real problem.
So if they let any human emotion seep in, it'll never end.
Dude, there was a time.
Dude, you know what's great?
I've read things where every couple of years they fire the nanny for no reason.
Yeah.
Just so the kid cries and gets used to a new one.
Jesus.
You got to toughen them up young.
Yeah, that really is.
It's wild, dude.
It is.
It's wild.
That is like Conan the Barbarian.
They're like put him on the wheel of sorrow.
I didn't know where I was going to school half the time when I was a kid.
Like they're like, we don't know.
I like first day of school.
I'm like, which school do I go to?
My dad's like, I don't know.
One of the two in the town.
Like, they didn't know.
Like, they, these people, everything is intricately planned.
Yeah.
Everything.
They're not going to date a comedian.
At one point, we were dating.
She goes, so what are you?
Is going to do comedy the rest of your life?
Right.
And you're like, if I'm lucky.
Right.
She was like, I don't know.
Yeah.
Why don't you go get more money somehow?
But that's what they want.
But a woman like that, you realize what she has to deal with.
One day, she's going to be in the Hampton.
She's going to be sitting there at night and she's going to have taken a Valium.
Perhaps I don't know.
Whatever new things out.
It'll be new.
She'll have half a glass of Chardonnay.
You know, she'll be cooking, as they say.
And she'll be kind of, you know, the waves will be getting hazy and the dune grass will be blowing.
And then her husband's going to come in and go, honey, listen, just so you know, we did 9-11 again.
And she's just going to have to look straight ahead.
She's going to have to, he had to go, we need a little more money.
So we kind of did like a 9-11 type thing.
And he's going to go, you know, and he goes, I just want to tell you because I love you.
And she's going to have to go, okay, was it for the best?
And he's going to go, yeah.
And she goes, okay.
Can we go to Rome?
Yeah.
I think that's great.
You should call your sister.
She's coming out next week.
I want to summer in the Riviera next year.
Because she's going to look forward.
She's not going to hear whatever he says.
Now, maybe it's that he did 9-11.
Maybe it's that he cheated on her.
Maybe it's that he's never loved her.
Maybe it's that the doctor said that she's not going to be able to have the third baby.
My whore has a, my whore's pregnant.
Yeah.
Maybe it's in the New York Post is writing an article about all the dirty things he's been doing in the sex club.
Yeah, so this is whatever it is.
I got caught at the orgy club.
She can hear it, but not feel it.
You know, in war movies where they show flashbangs go off and it shows the guy talking to the, like in Seva Primary Island.
Yeah.
He's talking, but they can't hear anything.
That's where they get on Valium.
Those people, that's where they get on white wines and Valium.
Because like our boomer parents were like made jokes about farting and bodily functions and they would cry and yell and scream and their emotions ran the day.
And they were hormonal and they would be taking pills to get their hormones and check or whatever.
And it's just these women are, you know, stoic, cold, statuesque.
Yeah.
I respect the hell out of a cold bitch.
I mean, my God, my grandmother, I just learned finessed me out of like $60,000.
Fuck you.
How?
And I was like, that is some old school.
As Lewis Gomez would say, real-ass dude of the week.
Dude, I'm talking about from the Great Depression, from Oklahoma.
Yeah.
You know, like this woman, 95, about to be 96, broken hip, would not let me.
So for 12 or 13 years, I've been giving her money.
I've been giving her about $1,500 a month.
Yeah.
Because she told me all I have is Social Security.
She lives in a very poor county in California.
She's like, I need money.
Without you, I wouldn't pay my bills.
Without you, I wouldn't have food.
So I gave her money and I was like, I love you, blah, blah, blah.
And then I'd always be like, why don't you add me on the bank account?
Why don't you have me on the bank account so I can deposit the money a little bit easier?
And she's like, no, no, don't worry about it.
I got it.
I got it.
We keep sending her money and then she fell and broke her hip and she had to go to a facility.
She's 95.
And so she's getting rehabbed.
And I had to get her enrolled for Medi-Cal.
I had to like start looking into it.
And I was like, hey, I need to get onto your bank account.
And she was like, I don't know.
And then her neighbor was like, you know, I knew her neighbor was on the bank account.
And I was like, hey, can you give me this information that I need?
And he's like, yeah, hey, I also just want to tell you real quick.
About seven years ago, your grandmother was like, well, I can't put Dan on the bank account because if he finds out what's in my bank account, he'll stop sending me money.
Great.
And I was like, oh, that's fucked up.
Amazing.
And then I'm getting all the information.
And then her neighbor calls me and he's like, all right, I got the bank.
He gives me the bank, the numbers of the bank accounts.
And then he says in savings, she has $7,000.
I was like, oh, my God.
That's way more than I thought she had.
And he goes, well, in checking, she has $62,000.
And I was like, and she's underwater on her mortgage.
But she's got the money.
But because Medi-Cal, they do like a five-year check of finances.
Audit, yeah.
They do an audit.
I can't take that money out.
Yeah.
Finding Seats at The Cellar00:02:42
She got you.
Got me.
She got you.
She got me.
So now I'm paying will you confront her on the air?
If we could get a hold of her, I'll be able to get a little bit of a drink.
And you just go in there with cameras.
Just her with her smoke.
You're seven on your side.
You're like, you know, one of the local news guys.
I was like, this bitch, she really was, it was like a Spanish.
She's good.
It was like Spartan training.
She knows how to do it.
She was like, let go of your emotions, you pussy.
Yeah, she knows how to do it.
But it was wild.
When I found that out, I was like, you know what?
I'm kind of impressed with the hustle.
Yeah, of course.
You have to respect it.
Do you ever speak to the woman you used to date?
No.
No, of course not.
It's been like 10 years.
It's been so long.
She's got like a family.
I think she's fine.
I'm sure she's.
I bet she doesn't even remember she dated.
She probably doesn't.
It was probably just a blip on the radar.
She'll call you an actor.
She'll go dating an actor.
Because comedy, comedian doesn't even exist in her world.
Dude, I remember specifically going to the we were at the cellar.
Yeah.
Right.
This is while we were, I was at the cellar while we were dating.
And her friend, the top dog that we all know, that you love, it's a hotel.
Yes.
Her.
They were out at dinner.
Yeah.
And the girl I was dating was like, I was like, hey, I'll do my set at the cellar.
You live close by.
I'll come over.
And she was like, great.
We're at dinner.
She's like, what's going on at the cellar?
I was like, well, Chris Rock just walked in.
So I probably got bumped.
And she was like, oh, so-and-so is friends with Chris Rock.
Of course.
Of course.
We'll come by.
I'll meet you at home or whatever.
Or I'll meet you at my place.
Fine.
They show up.
And she's like behind, she's behind top dog.
And she's like, I told her she wants to come here.
She wants to see Chris or whatever.
And they walked in.
And immediately I became like a butler.
Right.
Chris Rock was like, go find them seats.
All right.
I go find them seats.
The girl I'm dating stands out in the hallway with me or whatever.
The other, the other girls wanted to watch Chris go up.
And I go upstairs.
The girl I'm dating is down in the hallway and I go upstairs to the table and he goes, you need to date Top Dog or whatever.
And I go, oh, but I'm dating your friend.
Right.
And he goes, no, no, no.
She's the one with the money.
He's right.
Yeah, he was right.
He's right.
Your friend, the girl you were dating certainly had respectable money, but not like her friend.
No.
There is a difference.
And if you're going to marry a reptile, do one with a lot of scales.
Chris Rock Butler Moment00:09:54
Do it with the biggest tail.
Do with the biggest tail.
Yeah, it was, I was so out of my element.
I was so.
It's incredibly, the more and more you read, like I read that article.
I thought it was very interesting.
And it's like, really the whole world of the New York Seamster kids comes down to like doing blow in a townhouse, fake art bullshit and fucking travel.
And knowing famous people.
And knowing famous people and just traveling around and like having a fake fashion line or a fake handbag company, fake sunglass company.
Something.
Something that's not real that gives you the license to just go, hey, I'm going to suck on my trust fund.
But I got this dream to make fucking, you know.
I'm going to do slinkies.
Yeah, I'm doing slinkies.
I'm doing designer slinkies.
I'm doing designer slinkies that are going to help.
They're platinum and they go down these large marshes.
There's always a photo on their Instagram of them handing one to a kid in the third world.
Yeah, and they go like, don't forget, these are actually sourced in places where we can do good.
Yeah, it's not just about making money.
It's about doing good.
But also, that is America.
Absolutely.
That is America.
That is like the reason we, I've been saying this on stage, but it's true.
The reason we cheer when Jets fly over at NFL games is because they're not bombing us.
That's right.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Go Bengals.
Right.
You're like, after that, fucking pass you by.
It's a good point.
And it's also why we love the military.
The military is doing dirt that we would never want to know they're doing.
Right.
But it keeps us safe.
Well, we think it does.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes it keeps us safe.
Sometimes it is, you know, keeps us rich.
Yeah.
It keeps us rich and rich is safe.
And what's funny is we're in the entertainment business, which oftentimes inflates its own importance.
Oh, it's disgusting.
Like when you see how many people that we know had in-depth knowledge of the WGA strike and the SAG strike.
Yeah.
And then I would go to my friend's house who is completely out of the business.
They wouldn't even know.
They didn't even know a strike was happening.
They had no idea.
They had zero idea a strike was happening.
And they're like, oh, cool.
What's the problem?
I remember I was talking to somebody in LA after the, I don't know what it was, but we were sitting there.
It was after some award show where somebody made some political speech.
I was like, oh, you know, a lot of people are getting sick of that stuff.
They go, here's when some of that started.
When Tina Faye did Sarah Palin on SNL.
Made her very likable.
It made, well, they also felt like it made fun of her in a way that like Hollywood destroyed her chances of being a vice president.
I'm like, well, she kind of also did that herself.
Yeah.
But they liken Tina Faye's impression of her to the moment when America started seeing her as a moron.
Yeah.
And they have put like, I mean, Adam McKay has said things I respect Adam McKay, I think he's great, but like he said something once like, I don't want to make certain types of comedies anymore because like he was like, well, you know, you have these empty guys in suits that are on in Anchorman, but they're also the guys that started the Iraq war.
It's like, no, it's like, it's not that.
I just think that like what ends up happening is, listen, it's important to care about the stuff you're doing, but like you can't give it meaning beyond what it has.
The movie Don't Look Up.
Yeah.
I did not enjoy it.
Right.
I thought it was, it sucked its own dick for the entire movie.
Yes.
I remember Katie and I were watching it with my mom and we like turned it off because we were like, this kind of sucks.
Right.
And it was just when it came out.
It was around Christmas.
It just came out.
And then Katie was like, that sucked, right?
And I was like, yeah, that was horrible.
And then we looked and all like Schumer and all these people are like, this is so important.
You guys need to watch this.
And it was all like all these famous people that were like in the mix being like, this is brilliant.
And you're like, oh, yeah, you're perpetuating it because you need it to be important.
You need it to be important.
You need it to be important because if it's not, then it kind of shows that you're a little disconnected.
Yeah, I think it's like people just having each other's back.
That's having each other's back.
Mafia's a mafia.
It's a mafia.
It's people going like, hey, man, you come out and whatever nonsense I do six months or a year from now, you come out and tell people they need to see that and it's important.
That's exactly what it is.
When Amy Schumer does Willy Wonka to Chocolate Factory from a female perspective, she wants people to be able to do it.
Willow?
Yeah.
When she does Willow Wonka, she wants the McKay crew to be like, you have to see this.
This is so important.
God, it matters.
What if a woman ran a chocolate?
And the new Palumpas are all regular height.
And they're not orange.
Right.
Not even a little.
That's out.
And they're not even white.
I'm really excited, though.
I think after the strike, I think, you know, we've got some stuff we're working on now that, you know, might have a real shot.
I, and I know that our friends are doing really cool stuff.
I think maybe, you know, let's get back to funny.
Yeah, I really think there's like.
And I think that's coming back.
That's the prediction.
I think people are starting to get sick of like their messaging.
Yeah, they just want funny.
And I think like, just be like funny.
People are, that'll be okay.
I think that's what we're going into is just, there's not a greater, Groucho Marx wasn't trying to show depth.
Right.
There's an elephant.
No, when you have all these meetings in LA, they're like, but what is it really about?
Right.
That was.
They're like, what is the, but you know, what, you know, like, what is it about?
It's got to be about something.
And you go, you know, here's the deal.
It's about that it's fucking funny.
It's about a dog that gets boners when it's around motorcycles.
Right.
And it's just going to be funny.
It's just going to be funny.
That's what it's about.
It's like, but these people, you know, I had a meeting with the president of CBS during the strike, and I did it because I don't care.
And I didn't sign any deals.
There was no money exchange, but I just like this woman because I like people that have a few, I like a little people that have a little coin.
You also like to get in the room.
I like to get in the room.
You like to get in the room with the people that.
I like to get in the room because you know what?
It doesn't matter.
They're not buying what I'm selling.
No.
But it's fun to just get in a room and they're like, and who is this?
And what makes what's great about you is you get in the room, you have the meeting.
Yeah.
And then you come on the show and you tell the people.
No, it's just to waste everyone's, it's to waste everyone's time.
And they know it is.
They know it's, it's, everyone's time's being wasted and they know it.
Yeah.
Because 90% of their job is that.
It's just fake nonsense meetings, wasted time.
So I was in a room with her and I like her and she's a really good woman.
And I will do a guest spot on that show, Ghost, which I've never heard of.
Not the black one.
I'll do the black one too, but it's the other one.
I don't know what it is.
But if they let me on it, I'll do it.
And I'm not that bad.
I'm a decent actor.
I'm better.
You're much better.
No, no, no.
You're better.
Stop it.
Let's, well, we're doing the LA thing.
We're starting to do it.
We're going to actors.
But I'm going to protect.
I'll protect your thing.
You protect my thing.
You're on a whole show.
I'm good enough to come in a little.
You let me in a little now.
And I was sitting with this woman and she's a nice woman and she's going, you know, she's going, she goes, what we're really trying to do here at CBS is how they talk.
She goes, she goes, hi.
So good to see you.
She goes, we're all so excited.
You're so funny.
We're all so excited.
It's the best.
She goes, we're all so excited.
She goes, and we want the strike to end.
They turn around like this.
She's like, we really want this to end because, you know, MCIS is in its 22nd year.
We're going to do a lot of reality.
She goes, but I'll tell you, she's a sweet woman.
She goes, she goes, I'll tell you this.
She goes, I love broadcast television.
I just love it.
A lot of people, you know, they're saying it's dad.
And she goes, but I just love it.
And she goes, and I said, I said, but she goes, and we want to make things here that are about something, you know?
We want, you know, like, what's it really about?
I always ask that question.
She goes, what's it about?
I mean, she's the president, by the way.
By the way, you know who else asked that question?
My mother.
She's the president.
She goes, she goes, I asked, can you imagine?
Like, she's just walking around CBS pointing at things going, what is that?
What's that about?
What is it about?
NCIS.
What's that about?
Navel rape?
Like it.
What's that about?
What's that about?
Jude.
Barrymore has a brain injury?
Like it.
What's that about?
But she goes, she goes, and I said, I said, but you need to make things that are a joy to watch.
You have to cut it out now.
I said, right to the president.
I go, you have to cut it out.
You have to make things that are a joy to watch.
And she smiled and she went, you're right.
She goes, you're right.
And I go, this is not going to be with me.
They're probably not going to be with me.
It's probably not going to be with me.
Statistically, it's not going to be with me.
No.
But here's what I'm going to tell you.
You have to make things that are a joy to watch.
You can't just, you can't drown everything in meaning so that everybody's fucking like, what is going on?
Well, it's funny.
Stop making everything so heady.
When they try even to make something heady and they want to do that, but when you give them something that they goes like this, she goes, she goes, we're really excited about a new reality show called Raid the Cage.
No.
It's, she goes, raid the cage.
You're stuck in a cage.
It's like you're on Santa's.
She goes, I call it Santa's Workshop on crack.
You go in there and you try to grab as many prizes as you can.
And if you can't, they just let you out.
She's like, it's like a combination of something.
I forgot what she said.
She's like, it's a combination of like Jeopardy and supermarket sweep.
She goes, we're very excited about that.
And then she's like, we also have Las Libras.
And she had like a Spanish accent.
And she goes, that's like a Mexican wheel of fortune.
And I went, thank you for your time.
And I got the parking validation.
But I'm open to working with them.
I look that you gotta button it with.
I am open to working with them.
I am open to it.
It's starting to get to the point now where they're making things that 30 Rock wrote jokes about.
That's correct.
Where like 30 Rock was like, oh, I think MILF Island.
Didn't they actually do that?
They made that show and it was a joke on 30 Rock.
I mean, it was absolutely crazy.
Morgan Morgan Naked Pound Law00:03:51
That's crazy.
Yeah.
You see that and you're like, it's fucking nuts.
Well, they have a new naked dating show on HBO.
Naked attraction.
Naked attraction.
Like parents are flipping out because like, I guess people like just talking shit about each other's genitals.
And they're so great.
And I think parents find that.
I think parents are basically like, hey, you know, we've talked about it.
But what's it about?
Yeah.
What's naked attraction about?
Let's see.
This is the Hollywood reporter talking about Naked Attraction.
The new full frontal nude dating show and it's coming to MAX.
It's all, of course, emoji-based.
Right.
To blur it out.
Yeah, here we go.
I've never met anybody like this.
Muffon, I didn't wait to live.
One of the UK's most infamous dating shows has been causing quite the stir overseas after being quietly added to the MAX streaming service.
The streamer added six seasons of Naked Attraction, a game show which debuted in 2016.
In each episode, a single chooser critiques and eliminates six potential dates standing on a stage by scrutinizing their fully nude bodies, which are gradually revealed one part at a time with faces revealed last.
U.S. viewers are just starting to stumble upon this series, which was released without a trailer or media fanfare.
And let's just say the reactions were priceless.
One viewer wrote, this is the craziest shit I ever watched on TV.
35% of all fatal accidents occur between 6 p.m. and midnight.
People aged 25 to 34 have the highest amount of drivers involved in car crashes.
People aged 15 to 24 had the highest rate of emergency room visits due to car accidents of all age.
Because you can talk on this.
We don't have the camera on him, but you can say something.
This is depressing.
It's not great, but here's what makes it less depressing.
If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan.
Do you know what Morgan and Morgan is?
Lawyers?
It's America's largest injury law firm.
Nice.
They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers.
With over $15 billion recovered.
This is not Dan Soda, by the way.
It's Red Company who you can.
You can just hear, Ray.
They've recovered over $15 billion for over 300,000 clients.
What do you think about that?
Do they give anything to the clients or just kept it?
Well, come on.
I mean, they get a little cut, but they only get a cut if you win.
It's a good point.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good point.
If they don't earn, they don't eat.
They got to get a taste.
They got to get a taste.
Submitting an injury claim with Morgan and Morgan is so easy.
It really is.
Have you ever been injured in a car?
Well, you...
I cut my thumb open at a Boy Scout camera.
I didn't sue them, though.
I should have gotten Morgan and Morgan.
But in a car, you fell asleep and you went.
Oh, you're right.
I did crash into the federal officers.
Yeah, I fell asleep.
How did that get adjudicated?
They just told me, they gave me, they tested my breath and I was fine.
So I just get out of here.
Go toe it away.
You slop.
If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan and Morgan.
Their fee is free unless they win.
For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash Tim or dial pound law, pound 529.
I'm sure glad they didn't hire Morgan and Morgan.
You're very lucky they didn't.
Go to F-O-Rthepeople.com slash Tim T-I-M or Pound Law.
That's pound 529.
Pound 529.
Will they help me sue my wife or is that only...
Did she hit you with a car?
I mean, she could.
If she does, then they will.
Well, we set something up.
Yeah, we can all get wet with it.
Everybody can get their beak wet, but you got to be discreet about that.
Sure.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, it's just one of those things.
We're not going to tell.
Everybody, everybody.
Who am I going to tell?
Everybody scratches everybody else's back.
For the people.com slash Tim, dial pound law, 529 from your cell.
This is a paid advertisement.
Shows like this, I think, things like this.
Is this the, have we hit the wall?
Like, this is full frontal naked dating.
What is next?
Penetration on camera.
Yeah.
Authentic Radio Show Ukraine Talk00:15:51
That's where it's at.
It just, that's, it's like the episode of Always Sunny.
Yeah.
Where Dennis goes, we show it.
Yeah.
We show penetration.
That's the next thing.
It's leading there.
Because it's getting to a point now where to shock people, you have to go so far.
You have to show a beheading.
I know.
I was talking to this kid.
There was a kid in, I was in Raleigh at Good Nights, and there was a kid in the crowd, 23 years old.
I was talking to him about 9-11.
I was doing a bit about 9-11, and I said, like, what does that mean to you?
And he goes, I grew up with al-Qaeda beheading videos.
Right.
This does nothing.
It doesn't make me feel anything.
I'm dead to it.
Yeah.
And it really is.
Well, my friend's son had a little group of friends.
They were like in their mid-teens in L.A. They're all black-eyed, as they say in the Big Lebasky, black-eyed nihilists.
They really are just...
They don't care.
They just watch, you know, as Eddie Pet, the great Eddie Pepitone would say, they just watch, you know, he goes, most people just go to somebody's house now.
They watch a car accident and leave.
You know what I mean?
So funny.
They just hold the phone.
So it's like, it is getting to that point where it's like scary.
Do you think it comes back around?
Do you think it gets to the end of the day?
I think what could be coming is a, I personally believe going back to the 80s.
This is what I believe.
The tolerance for lethargy, for being a big fat slob that has no money is going at like the tolerance for being a mess, a hot mess is going to go away.
I think people are going to want people who have their lives together, who are in better shape, who are, you know, maybe not celebrating all of their imperfections all the time, not wearing them as a badge of honor, people that are.
So you think shame will come back?
I think partially, yes, because I think that like everything else, it is a little bit of a pendulum and it swung very far in one direction.
I don't think it's made anybody happier.
I think that's the problem.
I think the freedom to be as licentious as you want, to be as crass as you want, as vulgar as you want, you know, I don't think that's made people necessarily happier.
I think it's made them more aware of the benefits actually of being more, you know, traditional, to be honest.
And I think you're going to see it's going to swing back to where you need order.
Yeah.
And what we've done is we've really opened the Pandora's box of chaos up.
Well, now chaos is like a mood.
Right.
Oh my God, it's a mood.
It's a mood.
And you could see it with the increase in mental health problems, the increase in depression and anxiety, the amount of teenagers that are really going through it.
the social media addiction, the porn addiction, the people that have erectile dysfunction that are in their early 20s because they've been jerking off so much.
You know, it's wild.
It's wild to me that men in their 20s need a blue chew.
Well, a lot of them have been jerking off since they're 13 to like the craziest type of porn you've ever seen.
Yeah.
They're desensitized.
For us, it was like, oh shit, you would like gradually build up and see stuff and be like, whoa.
This is a full-on assault.
I think it's actually going to go back the other way to where people are seeing the value now in religion and that can have negative impacts too.
Absolutely.
When that gets fused.
Historically, a lot of men are not.
Historically, a lot of them, right?
But there is some value as an organizing principle to people having some type of faith-based outlook and some type of moral code, wherever that comes from.
If you destroy all of that and you decide that the world is just who can dominate who, you're going to have a big problem.
And a lot of the problems that we're seeing right now come from that.
If you make the world about, if it's just people eating other people and there's no code and there's no architecture for morality that people can live in understandably, you know, you're going to get a lot of unintended consequences.
You're going to get a crazy religious fascist type of backlash.
That's one.
Or you're going to get just the type of, you know, schizophrenic, you know, public space we have now where it's like complete craziness, where everyone's darting around where it's like, where it's like, Ukraine, this, that, you know, gender is completely invented, this and that.
It's like.
What do you think about access to people?
Do you think there is a benefit in limiting your ability to have access to someone?
Because, you know, when we started doing stand-ups, which is not even, it's not longer than 20 years.
Yeah.
It was, well, if you want to see me, you got to come to a live show.
Right.
You can't check in on me on Instagram.
You can't check on Twitter.
You can't do Snapchat.
You can't do any of this.
Is there a benefit in having limited access to entertainment?
It depends what you want.
Like sugar.
If you have a limited amount of sugar, it can be fine.
It can be very hard.
I think people should scale back their consumption of...
I think what's happening is our brains are being programmed by algorithms.
They're being programmed by these tech companies.
It's very easy to say, shut them off.
Like, you know, shut it off.
It's much tougher.
When you're being raised with a phone since you're 11 and now you're 25, it's somewhat inescapable.
Yeah.
The drumbeat.
But for me, I think that, for example, every issue that I try to talk about on the show, I try to make it funny, but I also try to think about like, what do I think about this issue completely divorced from anything I've read about it or consume?
Like let me.
So what's your pure thought of it?
What are you influenced?
When I hear something's going on, I want to know.
I want to have an intuition.
Could be wrong.
But I want to have an instinct.
I don't want to not have an instinct.
You want to feel it in your gut.
That's right.
I want to have an intuition.
And I want to base that on the life that I've lived.
I don't want to necessarily always, I don't want that to go unchecked, but I don't want to destroy that.
What I see happening over and over again, people are destroying their innate sense of what is true and not.
Yes.
What is right and wrong?
What is real and fake?
And it can happen if you surrender that impulse and give it to a corporate media that wants to program you or tech companies that want to program you any different way.
Yeah.
Because I have an instinct.
When everyone in America, when the people that I've seen in Beverly Hills spit on valets and go get my fucking car, when they all have Ukrainian flags outside of their house and they go, we care about the Ukraine, I go, I find this, this is just curious to me.
It's just curious that the worst people in the world became humanitarians overnight.
Why?
Why?
Why were the people that pushed the Iraq war really into pushing the Ukraine war?
Not to say that the Ukraine, it's not a tragedy.
People aren't dying.
I just want to understand without the media, without the programming, why did these people, the ones we're talking about, without emotion, why are they all of a sudden invested in this one conflict when we've got so many in the world?
When Yemen, there's thousands of millions of people have died.
And they care the Palestinians, the this, the that.
They really care.
And this, we're only reporting on this.
We're only talking about this.
And I'm going, okay, as an American, we've never had a war with Russia.
Putin's never invaded this country.
He was the first leader after 9-11 that called us.
I'm not saying Putin's a good guy.
I'm not saying he's a poet.
I'm not saying any of that.
I'm saying since for the last four years, all we've heard is Russia, Russia, Russia, they're fixing the elections.
They're coming to kill you.
They're going to get you.
It's the Russians.
Trump's an ass out of Russia.
They just invaded the Ukraine because Putin's a lunatic.
He's crazy.
Then you start reading about it, looking into it and go, oh, it's very complicated.
It's not really just like that, but it really benefits people if you are able to just, if they can whip and you just go, yeah.
Yeah.
You go, Ukraine.
That's right.
Give them a trillion dollars and let's go.
Let's fight Russia through the Ukraine forever.
There's a benefit right now in modern culture of understanding how stupid you are.
Right.
And knowing that you can't get into something.
That's right.
There's stuff that I'm like, that's out of my pay grade.
Right.
I don't understand that.
Right.
So I don't have an opinion on it.
Right.
Because I don't have any knowledge on it.
That's right.
So how the fuck do I know?
That's why I don't talk about, you know, one of the big topics of comedy I can't touch is male-female relationships.
I don't really talk about that.
You can't be like, when you go on a date with a girl, I don't, I don't, that's not, so that's a huge, but you do understand humanity.
I understand humanity.
So it's basically like your car can get to a certain it can get to a certain speed, maybe not up to speed with that exact.
I can talk about Harry and Megan because they're con artists and I love con artists.
Exactly.
So then I go, okay, that's a relationship I can understand because it's based on conniving, con, you know, that I get.
I'm in it.
I'm loving it.
But other things, like I, I just step out of it because I go, that's not where my experience is.
Yeah.
So I just, you know.
There is what's lost.
Two things that are lost in modern culture are the art of going away.
Yeah.
Because now it's like, stay on it, make money, keep making money, push more stuff, don't ever fucking go away.
If you go away, you're done.
But that's not actually what it always used to be.
People like you, if you go lie.
If you go away and come back, you get to, you get the, he's back.
Right.
You get to return.
Well, Burnham does that brilliantly.
Brilliantly.
Brilliant.
And in a way that you're like, oh, he understands what he's doing.
Right.
As opposed to someone that overstays their welcome.
Right.
And then people aren't understanding why they, there's, there's a, there's like a, they know they hate you, but they don't know why they hate you, but they still watch your stuff.
Right.
They don't realize that familiarity breeds contempt.
So They're like, I don't know why I fucking hate this person.
It's like, because they're in your ear all the time.
Yeah.
All the time.
Yeah.
You can have loyal fans.
We were kind of talking about this about the unhealthy relationship sometimes that people can have to certain forms of entertainment.
For sure.
I'm a wrestling fan.
That's like one of the most toxic fandoms out there because they're like, I want it to go like this.
And it's like, but you're the fan.
You're supposed to just enjoy.
But people don't understand the idea of going away and also the idea of saying, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't have an opinion on that.
I think that like everything else, right now, what is essentially a snapshot feels like, you know, forever.
Yeah.
Like everybody's looking at the dynamics of the current landscape, going, this is everything.
And it's not because like everything changes all the time.
People's tastes change, their habits change.
What people consumed for hours, they might consume much less of.
They might still love.
They might find, you know, a new way to enjoy something.
It's just what happens.
I realize it in my own life.
Like, sometimes I want to binge shows and then sometimes I don't want to watch shows at all.
Sometimes I just want to watch something once a week.
So it's really the way I consume stuff is not the same.
Also, you have no idea how things are going to shift.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
Very few people can guess how things are going to shift.
That's right.
I worked for radio.
I worked in radio for years.
I worked at a rock station from 2002 or three to like 2009.
And in 09, if you would have told me, I was being like, radio's dead.
Right.
No one's going to be good in radio without any idea that podcasting was going to become the new radio.
Right.
It was going to become bigger than radio, probably has ever been.
Right.
You don't know that, you know?
Right.
And so here we are doing stand-up, which has stayed the same, but we keep talking about like, you know, Katie and I were talking about sexual innuendos.
Yeah.
When you watch like 1950s late shows or you watch like early Carson, when they were dirty, it was very smart because they had to be dirty without being dirty.
Right.
I wonder if we return to that.
I wonder if we return to a place where people are like, yeah, I want to be offended, but make it creative.
I think people eventually will go back to what is good.
Yeah.
I have to believe that.
I mean, I hope.
Fuck.
I mean, listen.
I mean, at the end of the day, that's the hope.
And the hope is that we, you know, like what we make.
I do this show because I think it's good.
And I do it predominantly by myself.
I think that I do things that are funny and that I like it.
I can leave and go, this was good.
If it wasn't good, I wouldn't do it.
I have enough money.
I do it because I think it's good.
And I hope it is.
I think you've just touched on the actual, what, what the actual thing is going to be.
And I think as we move forward, especially for younger kids that haven't seen it, the kids that were maybe born in 2005 or whatever and they're growing up now, authenticity is going to be a very important thing because they've been lied to by everybody.
So when they, you're very authentic.
Yeah.
That's one thing about your show that you cannot argue.
Right.
You are you.
Yeah.
Like I've known you for a long time.
Yeah.
This show is you.
Right.
This is like Tim.
If you showed me us talking right here on the couch 10 years ago, I'd be like, yeah, that's Tim.
Right.
Right.
That's Tim.
That's exactly who this conversation we had was the conversation we had when we were driving up to Vermont.
Yeah, it's like the thing is people say to me, like, well, you and Joe Rogan get together.
It's really good.
I go, because we would have that conversation without a microphone.
You know what I mean?
And I think you look at the people that are doing very well, the Shane Gillises.
And, you know, there's there's super funny people that are very authentic.
That's who he is.
Yeah.
And that's what that's what people want.
Yeah.
I think people are sick of being marketed to.
Yeah.
Of being like, are you a guy?
Do you like this shit?
Well, I'm going to talk to you about this shit.
As opposed to just being like, hey, I like this.
I don't like this.
Right.
You find people who gravitate to it.
No, there's nothing grosser than being a brand or a product.
And that I think the influencer thing, people are kind of looking at it going like, hey, man, you know, I understand making money.
I understand doing ads.
I got tons of ads on the show, but my ads are funny.
Yeah.
If you go, the 80% of the ads I've read on the show have been fucking funny, genuinely funny, because I get bored.
There is a slice of entertainment right now that is, I just want to say taken over by influencer brain where people are like, I can sell that.
That falls into mine in a way that's like not authentic.
Where they're like, oh, yeah, I'll do that.
Whatever.
That's money.
It goes against stuff I can believe.
Transactional nature of some of that stuff when I watch, and people are just marketing a lifestyle.
Kardashian Lifestyle Marketing Critique00:06:13
They go like, look at me.
I'm at a party.
I'm in Venice at a party.
There's people I've seen that.
Have you ever gone to parties?
I'm on a beach.
There's people that do.
I've seen people that do the, I'm doing stand-up snatch of like, hey, look at me.
It's like, well, are you telling jokes?
Yeah.
Or are you just taking a video to show people that a lot of people have shown up to watch you talk about it?
So the marketing of lifestyle, which I see on Instagram, which a lot of people do, where they're going like, hey, don't you want to be me?
Isn't my life so fun?
That immediately I go, but your life's not that.
I know.
I go, you're just showing us that.
You're showing because I know you and I've seen you do Coke and I've seen you say to me, I can't get anything going on.
But your life isn't what it's you're showing.
Dude, there's, I'll go on the road.
I don't have TikTok on my phone, but I'll come home and Katie will be like, I found, she finds like crazy shit.
Yeah.
That we watch together and laugh at.
And there's this Irish woman.
I think she's Irish or she's British.
And she's like into the clubs and she makes drinks and she's like, this is what we're drinking.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know this woman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's great.
She pours like a fucking cup of vodka.
Yeah.
And then we'll take it down and like mix it and drink it.
But she just shows that.
She just shows that.
And Katie and I were watching that.
And I was like, I want to see the real verse.
I want to see her hungover being like, oh, I fucking threw up for her.
I'm shit and blood.
I'm shitting blood, mate.
It's fucking bad.
Like, I want to see, show us the, show us everything.
Yeah.
No, they won't do that.
We were sitting in the honest once in a, in a restaurant, Casa Vega in LA.
We were seeing the Kardashians, Kim, Chloe, Scott, and the mom.
And they were all sitting there.
And the cameras were on them.
And not one person in this restaurant cared.
Nobody looked over.
Everybody was just like eating quesadillas and fucking, you know, combo platter number two.
And nobody cared.
And then they got up and just very unceremoniously walked out of this restaurant.
And something hit me.
I was like, how much money do you need?
How much money to wear at a billion dollars, you were still sitting in a Mexican restaurant with cameras watching you eat guacamole.
What are you afraid of losing?
And that's your thing about like not going away.
These motherfuckers have been on TV for 15 years.
What do you think will happen if you take a season off and let other people eat guacamole on camera?
Bill Watterson, who made Calvin and Hobbes, made undeniably one of the greatest comic strips of all time of 10 years and went away.
Yeah.
Doesn't do it anymore.
Right.
Just stop doing it.
He didn't come back and do like, Calvin and Hobbs are back at school.
Right.
And things are a little bit different.
Yeah, yeah.
Calvin's got a cell phone.
It's like, stop doing all that.
No, he just did it.
He just did it, left it.
But here's what I will say.
If you're not doing anything good, like, let's be honest, the Kardashians don't really do anything good.
Well, they don't make anything.
So, but here's what's impressive, how much of it there is.
Yeah.
It's either, you know, because if it's not good, if you can't isolate a good thing, it'll go, the reign must be long.
That is fucking perfect.
The rain must be long.
It's not a quality product, but there's a lot of product.
There's a lot of product.
We're back ordered on it.
We've got more.
We've got some in the warehouse.
And we'll walk it out to your car.
And tell me, young Tim.
Yeah.
Oh, 08-09, you're selling, you know, some pride mortgages in Long Island.
Yeah.
If someone went, I don't have good Coke, but I got a kilo of shit Coke.
You'd be like, well, let's do the shit Coke.
Absolutely.
Because that's what it is.
Absolutely.
It comes down to that.
Because sometimes at the end of the day, you have to look at things and be very honest.
There's people out there that can really do good stuff.
Some can do great stuff.
And some can do a lot of stuff.
I mean, if that ain't on a fucking t-shirt at the boardwalk.
And those Kardashians are doing a lot of stuff.
That's all.
They're doing a lot of stuff.
Because think about it.
They hit your dopamine when on a random Tuesday you find out.
You don't even know.
It used to be aspirational TV where you're like, I want to live their life.
Now their lives are so complex.
It's confusing.
You don't even know if you want it anymore.
You're like, so the dad is a chick.
They all have different mansions.
And her ex-baby daddy texted the other one.
And it's no longer aspirational.
Like, you don't even want that life anymore.
You're just kind of amazed by, you don't even know what it is.
You're just perplexed.
But you don't even get the relief of someone like Pete being able to go on a show like this and being like, well, it was probably cry is that we couldn't even eat bread in the house because they were mad at us.
So we had to eat salads all the time.
You don't even get those because he has an NDA that'll get him fucking, you know, fine to hell.
I'll get him here.
Get him.
I'll get him here.
I mean, tell me right now.
You can get it right now.
Tell me right now.
We can get him here.
Tell me right now.
The Pete Davidson episode of the Tim Dillon Show.
I'd love.
I would love, by the way, I'd love if you would go.
I've never met.
I met him once on the Staten Island Ferry.
I'd love if you'd come on.
Oh, my God.
But I'm telling you, without that NDA.
Yeah, it's tough.
That's what I want him on.
Because they probably lock you up.
Yeah.
That's like a...
Lock me up.
I'll eat that Armenian snatch.
You got to go undercover.
Put me in.
What if one of the Kardashians started dating me?
That's what needs to happen.
That's the next move.
That's how we know we're in the death rattle of society.
That's how we know.
That's how we know shit's going to be about to get away.
You know, I've texted Caitlin to have her on the show.
I want Caitlin on the show badge.
I mean, that's that's I want Caitlin on the show badge.
I think that's very doable.
I hope so.
Yeah, that's an episode.
I want Caitlin on the show.
What I really want would be Caitlin Jenner, Donald Trump, and me, where we all sing I'm Proud to Be an American by Lean Greenwood.
I'm proud to be an American.
Carnegie Hall Hair Growth Secret00:03:55
At least I know I'm free.
Then it would be over.
Then I would say to the people, I've done it for seven years.
I love and respect you.
This is all I wanted to do.
Drop the curtain.
If RFK has me perform at the Kennedy compound this summer, I might take a year off stand-up because if I can just do the Kennedy compound and do really tasteless JFK jokes in front of a group of rich people that are in and out of being into it and pretty damn offended, and it's a bad day and I'm sunburned and I'm sweating and I'm bombing in front of the whole Kennedy compound.
If I can do that, I think I can say, you know what?
I did what I wanted to do.
Yeah.
I got where I wanted to go.
You got up.
You got up that high.
I got up that high.
Dan Soda, where can people come see you live?
You're on the road.
Dansodor.com.
I got live dates coming up.
This comes out tomorrow.
Oh, okay.
Wait, no, Saturday.
This comes out Saturday.
This comes out Saturday.
So I will be in Madison Comedy on State.
Rochester, New York, Comedy at the Carlson.
Boulder Theater is sold out, but then I will be at the, in December, I'm going to be at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta.
I'm going to be at the Paramount in Philadelphia.
Vogel, we added a late show, danceodor.com for all my live dates.
But yeah, I'm on the road.
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Rochester, New York, going to be a great show.
Carnegie Hall, November 10th.
Come on.
Dig.
Cool.
Come the fuck up.
That's cool.
That's cool.
That is so awesome.
We're almost sold out.
We got a few hundred tickets left at Carnegie Hall.
That's awesome.
If I'm not on the road, I need to fucking go to that.
Watching you at Carnegie Hill.
You're on the road.
You're at Laugh Out Loud and Kim Say.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
San Antonio, motherfucker.
I'm in a movie theater that was probably playing.
It'll be fun.
And then we're bringing Ray Cump out for a podcast at the end.
Come on.
At Carnegie Hall, Ray Coffee.
Come on.
He worked at the graveyard shift at a potato bread warehouse.
I fucking love Ray Comp.
To go from the graveyard shift at a potato bread warehouse to working at the morgue to doing a podcast at Carnegie Hall is hilarious.
I'm going to tell you right now, you're the best, dude.