Tim recounts the 20-year high school reunion he hosted over the weekend, celebrates those who are hot & dumb with Annie Lederman and breaks down why Jonah Hill is embarrassing the surfing community.Pre-Order ‘Death By Boomers’ By Tim Dillon👉 https://rb.gy/gafn4SPONSORS:Manscaped:Manscaped.com & use code 'TIMD'BirddogsGo to birddogs.com/tim or enter promo code ‘tim’ for a free Yeti style tumbler.Blue ChewBlueChew.com & Use Code: 'TD'Express VPNEXPRESSVPN.com/TimDillon▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Twenty Year High School Reunion00:03:35
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
I'm sorry we are a day late and a dollar short.
We'll be back on YouTube next week.
I had a 20-year high school reunion in my backyard on the east end of Long Island, and I saw a bunch of people that I hadn't really seen or talked to, many of them for like 20 years.
And I thought it would be fun to do the episode with a comedian, a friend of mine, Annie Letterman, because I wanted an outsider's view.
Annie came to my home.
She stayed there and she observed and she mixed.
We had high school friends.
We had Anna Hashin and Dashi Nekrasova from the Red Scare podcast.
Love them.
Dr. Drew Pinsky and his lovely wife.
Love them.
Kat Timpf from Fox News.
Love her.
Louis C.K. Love them.
Two of the women here.
Just to give you an idea of the type of people here.
Two of the women, two separate women at my party had one eye.
So together they had the right amount of eyes.
Two separate women at my Long Island homemade high school reunion had one eye.
My friend Ed's wife had a virus, doesn't have an eye, walks around with a big patch.
We love her.
It was a thick patch.
It was a thick patch.
Don't hide.
She leans into it, and I love it.
It was a cushy patch.
It's like a beer koozie on her face, which I like.
And my friend Rob's wife also has one eye, and one of her eyes is just dead in her head.
So the two women, one eye each.
That was the type of party we had.
Any, what were your thoughts, feelings?
Because you said something interesting.
You said that I had, you know, people from the past here.
And you said you feel.
I was just saying, it's going to take you a while to come down from this.
This was a weird thing you just did.
You just had your own high school reunion at your house in your own space.
All these people you haven't seen.
And people were acting crazy.
I mean, there were people that were like, I just can see what they were.
Like, I'm like, oh, I know exactly what you were in high school.
I mean, the guy with no sleeves that was waisted, the only guy that brought a child was the most familiar.
He was in the pool.
He was having a good time.
He blacked out immediately.
Like, I think he came drunk.
I think the daughter drove him, honestly.
Possible.
And then there was the girl with the missing tooth, but that wasn't his wife.
No, that was a friend of ours who came in like a bowl gown.
You know, it's Long Island.
It's hot.
It's 90 degrees.
She walked in in a ball gown.
She has a big tooth missing.
And I said, how are you?
And she said, I'm a civil servant.
And it was.
And it whistled.
It whistled a little when she said it.
The first thing she said, I said, I said, good, you know, cool.
She goes, I'm a civil servant.
I go, what do you do?
She goes, I work with retarded children.
That was the term she used.
She goes, I work with retarded children.
And I go, good.
I don't even, I didn't even, I didn't do a follow-up.
Yeah.
But it's good to see everyone.
I thought they were a couple, and I was sure they would have been prom king and queen.
I was nominated for homecoming kids.
Were you?
The guy who won was here, Danny.
Now, were you out?
No, of course not.
I'm not out now.
I'm not out now.
That's true.
I'm not out to Putin.
Tim was kissing a lot of ladies at this party.
The Civil Servant Shock00:10:52
That was what was crazy.
I always should have had a fat wife that I cheated on.
No, it is interesting to see what could have happened.
There was a guy that I was hanging out with who came, who's a Long Island good-looking person, very good-looking, I think.
Yes, that guy was very good-looking.
He's a good-looking person.
Tall.
And very smart.
Yeah.
Doing real estate because it's a job for smart people.
It is.
Real estate is a job for smart.
Do you think you can remember how many bedrooms are in a house?
That's not easy.
Square footage is hard.
It's difficult.
There's some math.
You know, I grew up in an area where people tend to have a feeling of superiority for no reason.
Those people did?
They do.
Okay.
They feel, like Long Island people feel, we feel that we're better than other people because we have good breakfast sandwiches.
The sandwich was good.
I did have a good breakfast.
I would say I had a lovely time at the party.
Everyone was great.
It was a fun time.
It just was.
Dr. Drew and his wife loved it.
They were great.
I was sad when they left.
I was devastated when they left.
I love Dr. Drew and his wife.
I was giddy.
I pushed Louise Kay out of the way.
And I told Lucy told me.
Listen, you know, I've joked around about Dr. Drew and Standup has a great bit about it.
Did everyone on Celebrity Rehub get all the help they needed?
I mean, probably not.
They got the exposure they needed.
But, right, that was their second chance.
Yes.
You know?
Was it great to point cameras at Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleis?
Was that the best move?
Did Jeff Conaway really need a credit?
No.
But you do, you know, this business is vicious.
Yeah.
And you got to do what you got to do.
It did wonders for Corey Haim.
Which one is that?
The dead one.
Oh.
I don't think it's.
R.I.P. He was the good one.
Let's not get kicked off this.
I'll be that's the last thing I have.
I mean, we're going to be back up on YouTube soon.
I know everybody's angry, but the reality is I paid for a blue check on Twitter how long ago?
13 days ago, 14 days ago.
I don't know what the fuck is going on over there.
I don't have a blue check on Twitter.
We cannot upload the show to Twitter.
Elon's on threads now.
He doesn't even pay attention to it.
I mean, I'm trying to get people to follow me on threads.
I'm 38 years old.
When does it end?
It's really disgusting.
You know, Ana Hasha made a good point.
She goes, you have too much money to be on threads.
Like, just give up.
Stop.
I'm like, that's kind of a decent point.
Like, when does it end?
I don't have enough.
Follow me on threads.
Yeah, follow Annie on threads.
I need it.
What is threads?
Threads is like, it's Twitter for people that don't know about politics.
So that's kind of refreshing, but you realize like how inane and meaningless the thoughts of influencers are.
They don't have thoughts.
They're threading or whatever the fuck you call it.
They're like, I'm eating dinner now.
They're not jokes.
They're not observations.
They're just telling you what they're doing minute to minute throughout the day.
And none of it's interesting.
Threads is the exact same thing as Twitter.
I mean, there's not really, it's going to turn into the same thing.
Perhaps, but I don't know.
I think the people that are on threads don't have critical thoughts about the world.
I don't think they're trying to, which is, I guess, nice in a way, because Twitter is, you know, a hellscape of people fighting.
But what else should it be?
Threads is almost weirder.
It's almost more natural.
People on Twitter like fighting and calling each other groomers and Nazis.
And you go on threads and it's like people are tweeting like the craziest shit.
Is everyone's Twitter though the same as mine?
It's just trans people and then anti-trans people?
I have absolutely nothing else on my Twitter.
I see nothing else.
That's what it is.
That's all it is.
My friend, by the way, my friend's wife, who came to the house when we first bought it and took a bunch of photos.
I don't know why, but God bless her.
She's now sending collages of what the house used to look like and what it looks like now.
But she didn't do any of the fixing of the house.
Well, she didn't do any of the fixing, but like she's just sending collages like that's how much time she has on her hand.
And it's like, just cheat on your husband.
Just cheat.
Have enough.
She's sending collages to me of the hallway.
But why should I?
I find it unacceptable to be taking pictures inside someone else's house, especially a public figure.
You're not all just taking it.
I wouldn't call myself a public figure.
You are.
A civil servant of sorts.
Yes.
I think she was just kind of like, she's trying to do a nice thing, which is nice.
It just shows you on Long Island people, and she's got a kid.
So she's got a little bit of time, I guess.
I look at it like I see people like, and everyone was lovely, but it does seem like you are an opportunity for them.
So this was a big one guy started asking me if I could help him with a show he wants to get on Netflix.
Are you serious?
I'm dead serious.
He goes, I know you have a thing at Netflix.
I'm like, oh, I don't have a thing.
I have a comedy special that they paid me no money for to license.
I barely made any money.
I paid to shoot it myself.
They licensed it.
I got the same deal that all my buddies got.
Yeah.
That's it.
There's no.
Did you ask him?
What was the pitch?
It's like, it's like a power.
It's like that show.
But for Long Island guys?
I don't know what it is, but it's a show.
And he's like, Netflix was interested, but since they have Top Boy.
It's power for white guys.
It's called White News.
No, it was a black guy that asked me.
Oh, okay.
It was the one black guy that was.
I did see one.
I was a great guy.
I was like, where did this happen?
He came late.
He's a great guy.
Was it come late?
Listen, the school we went to was diverse.
Everyone had equal opportunity to come.
It was posted on a Facebook group.
Not by me, by somebody else.
I thought you did.
When you said that, I guess I was like, why would you post it on?
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
No, somebody posted on a Facebook group of the people that wanted to come.
We gave him the address and one black guy came.
But everybody was invited.
It was not a situation where I'm like, let's pick a black guy.
It was like, it's on a Facebook group.
If you want to come, you can come.
And he came and I was like, he's a fucking awesome dude.
And then he cornered me because we had a Carvell truck.
And he's like, what do you think about, you know, going over to Netflix and talking to them?
Cause we're doing, because he goes, you know, 50 cents a bullion.
We brought it to 50, but 50.
And I'm like, I don't, I don't even know what's, I'm, we're all just trying to get fucking ice cream cones.
We're trying to get a brown bonnet here.
I don't know what's happening.
Like, I think he thought that I had like a connection at Netflix where I could go, hey, you know, my buddy.
Well, you, I think you were an opportunity.
I'm sure there were a lot more like folded up pieces of paper in people's pockets that they wanted to bring to you, but they didn't have the balls.
I mean, I have a podcast.
What do they, I can't do anything.
But if they don't have podcasts, they want to go on Joe Rogan?
I mean, maybe.
Do you think that fat chick with the tooth missing wants to go on Joe Rogan?
What's wrong with your mouth, man?
Your mouth is weird.
The sprinkle kept going off, and she was just right in it.
It was just sprinkling right on her.
She's a good woman.
She's a hearty woman.
You know, in high school, sometimes that is the best it is sometimes for people.
She was a popular girl there and it was fun.
And, you know, I think a lot, she was crying a lot at the end of high school because I think she knew that like this was a really good time and that it was ending.
Yeah.
There are certain people you'll see on graduation a little too upset.
And it's kind of because they know that whatever's coming next is, you know.
It's downhill.
They peaked.
Yeah.
Or was she missing the tooth then?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
I don't know what happened.
It's got to be probably not cheap to replace a tooth.
Yeah.
And I'm not trying to be classist, but it's probably not cheap to replace a tooth.
It doesn't cause much to lose it, though.
It's probably a good idea to replace a tooth.
But I was happy.
Everybody had a good time.
There's another reunion that we're having in October, but I'll be on the road and they're doing like a bar crawling.
It would be crazy to see everyone again in October.
No, I will never.
You need at least 10 years or maybe never any of these people again.
It was cute.
I like to see one or two of them again.
You did like a nice thing for your high school friends.
Like everyone was very excited to see themselves.
People did at the end start doing.
And I did see, I was sitting over in like an area, and I was the first comedian here.
And then it was all your friends and maybe some cousins.
And then I did see Louis C.K. show up with his dog.
And I saw his face when he looked around and saw no one he knew.
Right.
And I went, oh boy, this is going to be fun because I didn't know if anyone else was coming.
Right.
I didn't either.
I was pretty excited about it.
But one of my drunken friends went up to Louie.
He was like, hey, can I take a photo?
And Louie goes, I'd rather not.
And my friend looked angry.
This guy, not really a friend, somebody I knew looked angry at him.
Like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
No, I watched, I saw the thing.
So what happened?
So, like, it was very hot.
There were only a few places of shade.
And at this point, I think there were just like some like New York comics I don't even know that were younger guys.
Yeah, younger guys that I didn't know.
And they were, it was interesting to watch how they would approach Louie.
I already know Louie.
I've worked with Louis before, so it wasn't like a thing, but it was interesting to watch them hover around.
So he was starting to kind of get like the shark swarming.
And I saw it, but he was over getting some food inside.
And then your friend from high school comes up.
I think he was like leaving the bathroom and he kind of like leans in like this was his moment.
Like they were seeing each other inside.
And he's like, can I get a picture?
And Louis was like, yeah, I'd rather not, which, you know, makes sense.
But also, I probably would have just been like, let's do it.
I totally understand why Louis was coming.
Well, he's not.
He did.
I don't.
I think he thought he was coming to a party of comics, is what he thought.
I don't think he knew there was going to be a lot of there were some podcasters.
There was enough.
No, it was great.
No, it ended up being perfect.
I think the amount of people that came was, it was great.
It was so.
Yeah, there was enough people for him to talk to.
But yeah, there were some people asking him comedy, but I couldn't believe it.
What were they saying?
I walked away.
I came back and there was someone going, going, it was just so funny.
Like the first few minutes, he was so miserable.
It was, it was because it was, and I felt really bad inviting him because I thought, like, Bobby Kelly and some people, Bobby Kelly's in New Hampshire, and Bonnie and Voss couldn't go.
A lot of people just couldn't go because they're on the road.
Bert's whole fully loaded crew is on the road.
So, like, last year, I had a bunch of comics, and a lot of people came, and Louis came to that.
I think he thought it was going to be that.
Yeah, this was not that.
Louis said this was like walking around the deck of a cruise after you performed.
Bird Dogs and Comedy Guests00:04:30
Yes.
So he was like, 100%.
Yeah, he was not happy.
And I felt bad, but then people started to show up.
No, it got really good.
It was really cool.
He kind of was, you know.
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He was driving his car and he was drunk.
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But that's not the fault of bird dogs, right?
The bird dogs are just comfortable shorts, but they can't change your entire life.
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Old Money and Window Agility00:15:04
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Yeah, but I mean, listen, I mean, at the end of the day, it's like, it's a fun thing to do.
You do it one time.
You do it one time.
Like, one of the guys was like, we should have dinner.
And I go, well, never.
Oh, it's wild.
Everyone's saying goodbye to you.
They were lingering.
They were lingering.
Did you guys eventually kick them out?
How did they know to leave?
No, people just, you know, because it's like the guy.
Here's the deal.
There were people that showed up that we'd never spoken to in high school.
And it was a core group of people that knew each other.
And then there were people that showed up that no one knew.
Right.
And we had seen a few times or met a few times.
And they were just here with their significant other.
And, you know, that was nice for them, but it wasn't any, you know, I don't, we don't, you know.
And they were kind of like sitting up by themselves.
And it was like a little high school again, right?
It was exactly high school again.
It was high school again.
Were you like the king in high school though?
Because no, no, no.
People were very in ninth grade.
I was very unpopular in 10th grade and nobody knew who I was.
I was doing drugs with my old friends from where I lived.
Catholic school guys were like jocks and I wasn't a jock and I didn't fit in, but I wasn't a theater kid.
It's like I'm what I am now.
I just don't fit in.
I've just carved out my own little thing.
I didn't fit in at all.
And like in 11th grade, I started to make more friends.
And then the summer between 11th and 12th grade, I was like, I really want to be popular.
And I recorded, I actually did an episode in my podcast about this called How to Be Popular, which people love.
It's like a classic episode where I talked about how I did it.
What'd you do?
Give me a quick question.
Well, the recap of it is, and the quick recap about it, you know, is that you break into the popular crowd.
There's always a guy who doesn't belong in the popular crowd and you become his friend.
And then you eventually replace him.
And you, you know, you have to choose a personality.
You have to pick a personality.
Yeah.
You have to pick the person you're going to be for senior year.
Are you the funny guy, which is what I was funny, kind of crazy?
Are you the hot guy?
And again, if you're not hot, you can't be the hot guy.
Oh, so many guys never got that memo.
Yeah.
So pissed off.
So mad still.
Like, I was going for that.
Wait, so did you have a girlfriend in high school?
I had a girl I hung out with a lot.
And people were like, oh, maybe there were.
Yeah.
Oh, someone brought her up last night.
I remember saying, yes, whenever I see you.
I hung out with a lot.
And then she was my assistant for a while and then booked me in business class to Australia instead of first.
I fired myself.
Oh my God.
Yes.
Now, okay, so I will say that observing your friends from high school, I think they did a good job.
I would give them like a C, which I think is really, really high for high school friends.
A lot of them are cool people, good people.
They did great.
Like they did great.
Only one, I saw one girl at the end trying to like neg you, kind of.
I can't remember what she said, but it was something.
It was at the very end.
She was kind of trying to like be mean, funny to you.
Yeah.
And you ignored it and she stopped.
But I was like, I didn't see a lot of that.
And I think that's always the fear being a comedian going back to hometown is people thinking The way they're going to be like funny with you is like just say like a nasty thing that doesn't like you.
No, everybody was pretty cool.
There's not much left to talk about.
You rehash some old stories, some fun stuff.
Remember when, remember when we did this, remember when we did that.
But senior year is the year that I like came out of my shell and like people started to like me because I had confidence and I, you know, made it a point to make people like me.
Like I wanted people to like me and I tried.
That's the other thing people you got to try.
You know, you have to try.
That was a how to be popular episode.
And it's again, it's not, it doesn't matter if you're popular or not.
I'm not.
It can hurt you in high school, honestly.
It can hurt you, I guess.
But also I made the point that a lot of popular people in high school do go on to have great lives.
And a lot of losers in high school go on to be losers.
Like, like we have this idea in pop culture that they're going to go on and like be brilliant, like write a novel or a play and change the world.
But that doesn't happen.
A lot of them just stay freaks.
So the reality is you have to try.
And if you don't have any friends, it's probably your fault.
Yeah.
And that was kind of the point of the episode.
But like in ninth grade, I had no friends.
It was my fault.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
But everybody was kind of, it was pretty cool.
And everybody was kind of the same as they were.
I would be so upset to see everyone from my high school.
I would be not happy about it.
You handled it really well.
It didn't seem like you didn't have any like, you were very open about the invite, I guess.
People were just on any Facebook.
There was no like, you were very welcoming to people.
There was no one that you were like, oh, God.
Even the drunk guy that was being ridiculous.
Yeah, I mean, he was like having fun.
You know, like, I didn't have problems with anybody.
Right.
There's nobody I dislike.
You know, I don't care.
I mean, one guy messaged me, but this was a guy that was older than me a few years.
He's like, me and my father are trying to get on Joe Rogan.
Oh, that's weird.
And this was like a mob guy who's like, then he was like, I guess the money changed you, but don't worry, we got that old money.
He's like, crazy.
They're like, so many people actually, my mother is a schizophrenic.
And now knowing more about, like, you know how people say autism is a spectrum, which it is?
Schizophrenia is a spectrum.
No, people, there's a lot of people that are, I would say 20 to 30% of the population of this country at any given time is mentally unwell.
And are you talking about, because I think I know what you mean, where like people are in a fight with you that you're not having where they're like, oh, the money is going to be a little bit more like a bunch of people.
Like he's like, number one, thinking that I could just call Joe and go, put this crazy person and his father on your pot.
I've never told Joe to have one person on his face.
It's insane to talk about.
I've never suggested why would I do that?
He doesn't, that was.
He's doing a good job.
When you give someone advice, it's because they're lacking in some way.
Imagine me giving advice to the guy that gave me a career.
What insanity would that like?
I've never in my life been like, have this person on.
He has on who he wants to have on.
So the idea that number one, not knowing that or not putting that together and then being like, I guess the money changed you because I didn't respond to him on Facebook Messenger, which I look at once a year.
It's crazy.
I told you today I had this like elderly woman asking if she could open for.
I'm like, I don't know you.
Who are you?
And then they don't, you don't respond and they're like, you're a bit or whatever.
You're like, what the hell?
Well, they're having a big problem in their head.
Yeah.
Something's wrong in their head.
Something's really wrong in their head.
His next post on Facebook was, I just got my brother-in-law reunited with his kids.
And my father's threatening me over it, but I don't care.
And like, imagine sharing that on Facebook.
And there's a photo of him and the guy.
And he's like, he's like, I swear to God, because I just looked at his thing because he sent me a message.
The message was, my sister won't talk to this guy because he met another bitch, B-I-S-H, but I got him reunited with his kids after seven years.
My dad does it.
And I'm like, and he's telling to people on Facebook what's happening with his fan.
And I'm like, why would you do that?
What is, but then you go, oh, you're crazy.
You're nuts.
And you think people are invested in like your story.
It's nuts.
But also, it's like, you don't want to rein.
And then when he-so it's just so funny, he's like, she doesn't like him because he met another woman.
It's like, yeah, yeah, that's probably a damper on a marriage when you go, he met another bitch and she's got a problem with it.
And also, the dad, if the dad doesn't want her back with him, he probably did some other shit.
You know, it's like, why would these people, because like people say to me, they go, well, you talk about your aunt and stuff because I have a show and it's entertaining.
I make it funny.
Hopefully.
But why would these people?
Do you know how many people I read about their custody on Facebook?
I'll go on every like six months.
Do you know how many people detail in meticulous detail their custody battle?
And they post a photo with their son or daughter.
And they're like, haven't seen Little Man in a while.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
Why are you sharing this?
You're also unfit to be a parent if you're sharing this.
Like, this is a thousand people.
This should be able to be used against you in court.
And it is.
No, it is.
I have a friend that's a lawyer.
They do.
They're like, this is inappropriate.
Yeah, they're like, why are you doing this?
I just, social media has broiled the brain of so many people that like you get messages from certain people and they're like, get me and my dad on Joe Rogan.
I've spoken to this person twice in my life.
And he's like, well, we got that old money.
And I'm like, dude, I don't even know what we're talking about here.
I don't know why you're yelling at me.
I don't know what, like, literally, I'm going to tell you.
I'll read.
I'm going to read you a whole message because I found this fast.
I was like, this is a fascinating, really interesting look at mental illness.
And I don't know what to do about it other than to be like, okay, obviously I'm not going to respond.
But it's like one of the craziest things that I've ever read.
And it was funny.
I'll give him that.
Okay, ready?
Here we go.
Hey, Tim, it's blank.
Me and my family are doing a movie and a reality show.
Wanted to see if we can do a podcast with you, me, my dad, and Rogan.
Let me know what you think.
My number is blank.
Hope you're doing well.
That was June 23rd at 12 p.m.
June 23rd at 3.21 p.m.
He went question mark, question mark.
I mean, so June 24th, he'd had enough.
He'd had enough.
I want a follow-up question mark is so unexpected.
Three hours later.
Two hours later.
So now by June 24th, he'd had enough of me.
I'll just have my manager reach out to Rogan.
Yes.
Guess that money changed you, LOL.
We're successful people too, bro.
We got old money.
July 2nd, 5.23 p.m., he wrote, Faggot with 3Gs.
Again, you know, we're doing a movie and we want it and a reality show.
We're doing a reality show in 2023.
It's Sylvester Stallone and his daughters.
We're doing a reality show.
Now, okay, wait.
The question mark, question mark, question mark, this really pisses me off.
Yeah.
Do people not realize that in this day and age, a non-response is an acceptable response?
Well, do people not realize this?
If you send somebody a message on Facebook, which I don't post on Grillier anymore and haven't for years.
Yeah, of course.
Two hours later to be like, hey, where the fuck are you?
And then the next day to go, hey, man, we got old money.
We got, you know, I'll reach out to my man.
I'm like, hey, man, I don't.
Also, by the way, if that was an option, why are you?
What did he think was going to happen?
Like, did he think that I was going to then respond and go, no, good idea.
Hey, Joe said, can you guys do next Wednesday?
Come to Austin.
Come to Austin.
I don't.
People aren't saying.
And the thing is, they're listening to Rogan for like four hours a day.
And this is a guy whose dad was in the mob.
Yeah.
And that's, and the Sopranos is like based off this guy.
So that's why he wants to.
Legit.
I mean, he's a legit, legit guy.
He's starting to sound like a good Rogan guest, honestly.
The more you talk about him.
It's not.
It's going to be one of those things where it just completely changes.
It's not the worst Rogan.
We just called Joe.
No, no, no.
Listen.
We just called Joe.
We're like, Joe, we got an idea for you.
Joe, sit down.
Here's the deal.
It's not the worst Rogue.
It was the guy that David Chase based the Sopranos off of.
The Rico transcripts that were used for a lot of the episode ideas.
Chase based them all together.
And I've talked about him before on Rogan.
Right.
And I've talked about him before.
I don't know the son that well.
I sympathize with the enemy now.
My mom taught the kids how to swim.
I have no problem with these people at all.
At all.
Maybe you were being a faggot.
But the idea that I am going to call Joe Rogan.
No, they don't understand.
It's so.
Like, you on his show.
Like, yeah, is it the worst guest for Rogan?
No, but again, I don't, it's not my job to call Joe and say, hey, Joe, I grew up in a town with a guy who's in the mob.
They made the Sopranos based on a lot of the stuff.
His son called me a faggot.
You should have them on.
Right.
Do you want to interview them?
Like, that's not my job as a friend.
No, it's a crazy thing.
It's my job is to like go, Joe, how are you?
How's your family?
What's going on?
Like, I don't, you know.
It's a wild thing to be in the Rogan orbit because.
How about fighter and the kid?
I'll get you on that.
I'll type back right now.
I'll go, how about fighter and the kid?
I don't have anything.
How about being that?
Listen, I'm not even holding it again.
She called me faggot.
Friends in the Rogan Orbit00:02:58
We'll move on.
Don't worry about it.
I got an idea.
Fighter and the kid.
Hey, close second.
It's a feeder show to Joe.
Fighter and the kid.
You go on that.
You go on that.
You got to pay for your own travel.
They'll have you.
You know?
Trash Tuesday, are you?
Will you have them on Trash Tuesday?
Or really?
Kalila books it.
Should I just tell him to call Kalila Kuhn?
We give her a number.
I give her a real number.
Yeah.
Well, let's give her a real number.
Oh, my God.
I mean, what am I?
Am I this guy's manager?
And then for him to say, like, I'll have my manager reach out.
It's like, okay, that's what you should have done.
Yeah, dude, I don't know what you want me to do.
I don't know what you want me to do.
He didn't even ask to do my show.
He did ask.
Wait, not to do my show.
Yeah, it sounded like he did.
No, he said, I want to do Rogan with you and my dad.
Oh, okay.
I thought I missed.
Which, to be honest, might not be the worst.
If you just start showing up with guests next time you do Rogan, it might not be the worst idea if we made this big mafia history show and I could sit in on it and throw a joke in.
I mean, Tim, this hasn't.
It's actually not.
It's never been a bad idea.
It's not the worst idea.
The guy blew it at Faggot, really.
I mean, it's like he's still.
No, no, no.
I don't care.
That doesn't bother me.
I still won't ask Joe to have somebody on his show.
No, that's the craziest thing.
No, but it happens all the time.
It happens all the time.
No, I've had close friends of me, close friends of mine be like, they're in the business, go like, hey, how does the Rogan booking work?
And I go, oh, I don't know.
He's my friend.
I don't ask him for anything.
Like, he's been so good to me and so generous.
I don't tell him what to do.
I just say thank you.
He has the biggest podcast in the world.
He does a really good job of talking to people that he has an interest in.
I'm not going to call him and go, hey, I have a friend that wants to do your show.
I mean, that's crazy.
It's insane.
And that's not even your friend.
He's not even my friend.
That's not even your friend.
No, we barely know each other.
Yeah, I think that the best case scenario for that guy that could have happened, it would have had to be so organic.
Like you guys started talking about the Sopranos.
And you go, like, this is like the, this is the only way it would have happened.
You guys are, you're on Rogan.
The Sopranos comes up.
He goes, oh, I wonder who like the Sopranos was like written after you.
We've done that.
We've done that.
Oh, you did talk about it.
We kind of talked about it.
Okay, so then it would have happened already.
And he would have gone, oh, really?
And then afterwards, he would have been like, oh, I should have those people on.
It would have to be heavy.
I also thought you weren't really allowed to talk about it.
Everyone in the mob now gets to talk about anything.
Yeah, they're just like, they have like podcasts, the guys who were in the mob.
I know.
I didn't even think that was a thing.
Everybody's podcasting.
They got to get in the algorithm.
I mean, yeah.
Parents, Cops, and Different Attitudes00:15:40
So, but it was just funny.
Like, that's what you, like, I barely opened up Facebook Messenger.
And that, when I opened it up.
You even bringing that up should have just been like, that's so above and beyond anything anyone would have done for that person.
Is you even when I describe the town I grew up in, grew up in, I always mention that because that's a cool, it's like trivia.
It's like a fun fact.
It's like, here's what happened.
You know, Henry Hill lived in our town too.
Like good fellas that got Paulie, who was the capo of, I forget which family, but like he lived in our town.
It was a tiny little mob town with really good Italian food, a bunch of Coke bars, and it was a horrible place for a kid to grow up who liked putting things up his nose.
Yeah.
Which my father and my aunt and her husband moved out of my town because, quote, it didn't seem like a great place to raise kids.
My father, because he liked playing music, was like, why?
There's so many bars.
There's so much Coke.
There's so much below here.
So they stayed.
Like my dad literally said about this new town he moved to in Long Island.
He goes like this.
He goes, it's a great place to raise a family.
I'm like, you're 70 years old.
Where was that energy when I was like 12, 13 years old, completely lost wandering around the world looking for drugs?
How old were you when you were doing Coke?
For real.
First line was the summer going into eighth grade.
Oh, really?
So that's 13.
Yeah.
First line of blow.
We never did.
Yeah, we weren't in a Coke area.
And everybody's always like, he's lying.
He's making that up.
No, people say that.
And I go, why would I make that?
Like, why would I make it up?
And then every now and then there's like a comment on YouTube or something.
He goes, no, no, no, that story is real.
I hung out with him.
Oh, it's crazy.
It was me, my friend Tina, and my friend Shay.
We got Coke and we did it in the summer, and it didn't really work.
Yeah.
And then we tried a few more times and then it worked.
Maybe we didn't get good Coke early on or it just didn't, you know, we didn't know what it was.
It was numbed our lips.
That was like businessman aspirations to like, that's the you didn't do weed, which would have kept you like.
No, we were smoking weed every day.
No, you were smoking weed.
We were smoking weed every day.
We smoked weed.
We'd never coke was not around.
Coke was something we did like in college.
Right.
But there was no like kids with Coke.
No, like my friend Tina hung out with older people.
She hung out with a white girl named LaFawn.
She hung out with a girl named Deanna, who was goth, who I called the bat.
That was her nickname.
And she hung out with older people that were in high school.
And I used to hang out with them and they got all of the drugs.
Like my father dropped me off at Teen Night once and I snuck out of Teen Night, which was like a Friday night two-hour thing in the gymnasium at the school.
And I snuck out of that and got high with the high school kids.
And then my dad picked me up and I was like, okay.
This is how out of it my dad was.
Once I lied to him, I said, I'm staying for Chef's Club, which was a real club in the school, but I just lied and said I was staying for it.
And, you know, then my dad showed up at the school.
And like a half hour later, he walked in.
The school's like totally shut down.
And I was like, oh, I'm sorry.
Like, I literally got to the school late, but I didn't.
You were high on Coke?
I was high in smoking weed.
And then I showed up and he was like, oh, okay.
And he's like, what did you make today at Chef's Club?
And I'm like, an omelette.
He's like, nice.
And then just drove away.
He was like, okay.
But like, they weren't thinking that I was getting high.
Yeah, I think, I think, like, also, you'll probably get away with, you would probably get away with Coke, just Coke.
Right.
Over weed.
It's so insane to think like a 13-year-old's on Coke.
No one would ever think it's the crazy.
It's insane.
No one would ever think a kid that's in eighth grade would be on Coke.
Kids have naturally cokey energy.
Like, I mean, we were starting at Adderall, which I guess is the same, or it was Briddle and Back.
It would almost make them crazier to be like, is he on cocaine?
Yeah, you'd be like, this guy's insane.
Is our son on Coke?
But weed, you'd be like, all right, my kid's acting sluggish.
They're not acting like a kid.
Yeah.
I mean, they figured out pretty quickly that things were going downhill because I was acting, you know, I was being like me and my friend would.
We were planning a bunch of pool parties.
Yeah, we were doing.
I started telemarketing from the house.
He's our business.
Like, oh my God, our kid is in a business.
No, but we started doing that thing where I would go, I'm staying over his house.
And he'd be like, he's staying over my house.
And we'd go out all night to like and get blow and like the projects in Long Beach, which is the town next to where I lived.
And we would just hang out with older Hispanic people, Hector, Sonia.
Again, I'm not making them Hispanic for the story.
They happen to be Hispanic.
Getting caught with those sleepover nights was the worst.
It was the worst.
And I remember the worst night was like me and my friend, literally every time we went back to his house, there was a corner we turned and we could see his house.
And every time we went back to it, all the lights were black.
And that was our like, take a breath moment.
You're okay.
Now you just have to go in really quietly.
And then one night, I remember it clear as day.
It was like pangs of fear.
I still almost get like a mini panic attack thinking about it.
One night we turned that corner and every light in his house was on.
His room, the living room.
It was so bad.
And we knew immediately and we were just trying to get our story straight.
And we walked in and his mom, Barb, was, and I mean, Barb was great.
Barb and I just want, I don't want to say, Barb McGulahan, that was the full name, Barbara McGulah.
I have to say it because it like adds to the story.
She was sitting at the kitchen table as she usually was smoking a Marlborough Red.
And we walked in and she went, hello, boys.
And we were like, and she goes, what were you doing?
And we said, oh, we just went out for a walk.
And she goes, really?
She goes, Patty Dylan and me have been on the phone.
Patty thinks we should have called the cops.
And I calmed her down, but I think she's right.
I think we should have called her.
Put you in the patty wagon.
She said, because I don't know what you boys were doing, but it probably wasn't legal.
And we were like, oh, no.
So then literally they drove me back to my house.
I got out.
I walked in my house.
And my mother was just yelling, drug addicts, alcoholics, your father's family.
You're just like them.
Drug addicts, alcoholics, drugs.
She's like, your eyes look all fucked up.
What if you die?
What are you on?
Should we go to the hospital right now?
I'm like, no, Let me sleep.
Let me sleep.
Hospital.
Oh my God.
Oh, yeah.
She was like, should we go to the hospital right now?
Your eyes look so fucked up.
I'm like, I'm not on anything.
We were taking a walk.
We're like two fat little kids.
We're like, we were walking.
Exercise.
Yeah, like we were like, like we were trying to, she's like, we wouldn't walk home from school, by the way.
She's like, she's like, drug addicts, alcoholics.
I still remember trying to fall asleep, coming down off blow, which is the worst, sleeping.
I think this might have been like ninth grade or the summer going into ninth grade or whatever.
And I just remember hearing my mother downstairs yelling, drug addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, alcoholics.
Falling asleep to that.
Soothing sounds.
But you know, next weekend.
No, they don't.
The boomer.
What are they going to do?
But do you think if they had called the cops on you, and did they ever call the cops on you?
I'm trying to remember if they ever called the police.
Because I always wonder that, like, that tactic.
My mother might have called the cops.
They might have been like, well, if he doesn't come home, call us back.
There's nothing we can do.
Right.
I don't remember them ever calling the police.
You think you would have been like scared straight if she had called the cops for you?
It would have been nothing.
No, I was really committed to doing what I was doing.
When you are a drug addict, you are committed.
The drive that you have to secure drugs, if you had that drive in any other area of my life, if I had that drive to be physically fit, I'd look like Matt Rife.
Like, do you realize we were stealing money from our parents and purchasing Coke, pills, weed?
We were trying to steal anything we could.
We were stealing things from our house, going to pawn shops.
We were running scams, printing up fake things.
We're going on a field trip.
I need money.
$25, $50.
Like, did you have, you didn't have a fear of getting caught?
I feel like I was bad, but I never went too bad because I always was like still very we absolutely had a fear of getting caught.
But it didn't matter.
Well, we just loved getting high.
More than that, yeah.
There was nothing better than being high when I was young.
Because when you're young, you don't know really the other side of it yet.
You don't really know the other side of it.
So it's just fun.
You're just giggling.
You're laughing.
You're like, you and your friend are at a beach and you're high and you're like falling over.
You don't even know what you're laughing at.
Then you're like, let's go to the pizzeria and fucking eat barbecue chicken pizza.
And then let's fucking sober up and then smoke more pot.
We had like a house, like my friend, my best friend in high school.
Her parents had this like really cool house.
They were antique dealers.
So they had like all this cool shit in their house.
And her dad was like a big pothead.
And they would just let us smoke weed and let us get all fucked up.
And we play pool and shit.
It was like pretty perfect and awesome.
And then my parents didn't let us do anything, but they would like get mad when we would do acid and stuff, but we wouldn't get in too much trouble.
Yeah.
It is like weird.
It's like the different, and she's like fine.
Like she like owns a restaurant.
She's like doing good.
It's not like that was bad parenting, I guess.
Because it didn't turn into anything crazy.
You know what it comes down to, I think, is what your parents, like what their like relationship to drugs was.
So if like, you know, I grew up with kids whose parents were kind of like, we smoked a little weed and we were fine.
So like the parents were not, they didn't care.
They're like, yeah, we got high.
We were teenagers.
We get it.
We got drunk.
My parents were more militant because they, you know, they were just kind of like, I think they were like, oh, it's so easy to fuck your life up.
They were probably like, we fucked our lives up.
Yeah.
Like, and we didn't even really get high and we're fucked.
So we didn't even really get that high.
And we are bill like month to month, bills all over the table, picking which one gets paid, which one doesn't.
Credit cards maxed.
We are, life is going to throw you around.
And if you get high, you're going to have no shot.
Yeah.
And that's what I think they're, because they couldn't help me.
That's the other thing.
They didn't have the money.
They're like, we can't get you out of jail.
We don't have lawyers.
Yeah.
They're always paranoid about getting sued.
They were like, they were like, don't let anyone in our backyard.
If you guys are getting high, somebody falls in the pool.
They crack their head.
Like, your mother teaches private swimming lessons in the pool.
Like, you do something dumb.
We lose our house.
We're going to get sued.
We'll lose our house.
That's why she couldn't call the cops on you.
They'd have to be the ones that like paid to bail you out.
Right.
They were paranoid about all that stuff.
They didn't have.
I had friends that came from environments where their parents literally said to them, it's going to be okay.
My parents never used the words, it's going to be okay.
Because it wasn't.
And for them, it wasn't.
Like, they knew, like, their marriage fell apart.
They didn't have the money to get divorce lawyers.
They hired a mediator.
He divided up.
It was a medium.
He just started.
Yeah, it was a medium.
He was like contacting people from the other side.
He was contacting a divorce lawyer that had passed.
Yeah.
It was like, it was that bad.
So like, then I had friends, like I was friends with this kid who lived in Long Beach, which is the town next to me.
And his parents had a little bit of money.
And like you would go to his house and they didn't care that he got high.
And they had this big, beautiful house.
And his dad was like a really professional guy.
And the dad, and they were divorced.
I think the dad wanted his son to like him and think he was cool.
And the dad was kind of like, yeah, you guys get high.
It's not a big deal.
And I remember like the feeling of like, oh, they have money.
And that does allow you to be a little looser with things because they weren't paranoid all the time about, you know, getting in trouble.
Like, what's going to happen?
What's going to happen if, you know, the dad was probably like, yeah, you smoke a little weed, you'll grow out of it.
Now, I don't know if that kid grew out of it.
I don't know what happened to that kid.
You know, I mean, it just wasn't a super close friend of mine.
But like, it was a guy that I knew.
And like, some of my friend's parents just had a different attitude about their kids getting high.
Yeah.
My parents like didn't really let us get high until once we turned 18, but they like they got us kegs and stuff.
We like had parties out of it.
My grandmother would buy me sigs because I smoked cigarettes my whole life.
And she'd buy me bottles of alcohol to go to the senior parties with because when I was a senior in high school, everybody had everybody drank and she got it and she was cool.
I mean, there is an acceptance in this culture of your children drinking.
And I think now marijuana is more included in that.
Yeah.
Although now it's stronger and people are having more psychotic things.
I feel like it's bad.
Like weed really, to me, is like a lot worse for me personally than a lot of things have been.
Listen, I got to be, I've always said it.
I'm like, there's a lot of happy people that don't do either.
Yeah.
If I could do it all over again, I would not be sitting on this porch.
I would not be doing comedy.
No, literally, if I could do it all over again, I would have tried to be, and it would have failed.
And everyone's going to laugh when I say this.
They're going to go, which is fine.
If I could do it all over again, I would have tried to be really hot and stupid.
No, people say to me, they're like, what if you could do it all over again?
And I love the people that go, if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
It's like, shut up.
Will you shut up?
You learn nothing in life.
You learn nothing in life.
I would try to be hot and dumb.
Yeah.
I would try to be hot and dumb.
And I'll tell you why.
I mean, I wouldn't try to be dumb.
I wouldn't actively try to be dumb, but it would just kind of happen.
And here's the reason for that.
If I was athletic and hot and I would have tried to be like a, you know, like when I was lifeguarding, I was fat and I smoked and I was ready getting into drugs.
Like I was ready just trying to be funny.
Like if I had never developed that thing of trying to be funny and I could have just been hot and like dumb.
And just naive, not noticing anything.
And naive and dumb and not know what was going on, not know about these horrible people that run the world and rape kids and just kind of be out of it a little bit and hot.
That's really not the worst way to go.
I'm telling you right now, that's actually...
Hot Dumb People Luck In00:15:07
Now, obviously, it was never in the cards.
Not in my DNA.
My mother said to me when I was young, she goes, you're a mesomorph.
You'll collect weight in your middle.
That's what my mother said.
You're a mesomorph.
She goes, there's people that are an ectomorph.
She goes, you're a mesomorph.
You'll collect weight in your middle.
She goes, you should have been a moment.
She cursed you.
She cursed you.
Yeah, but people say to me, they're like, what's the best life?
I'm like, hot and dumb.
No comparison.
You being like a fat smoking lifeguard, though, that's really, that's a sight.
Well, here's the thing with lifeguards.
16 years old.
I wasn't fat.
I was chubby.
I wasn't like fat yet.
You know, lifeguard is not about saving lives.
It's really, especially where I worked at a beach club.
It's about abusing power.
It's about rules.
It's about laws.
It's about hierarchy.
It's about capitalism.
It's about people that are in cabanas versus people that are in lockers.
It's about letting people break the rules if they pay enough money and are hooked up with the club.
It's where you learn about life if you can pay attention.
It's not about dragging people out of the water.
It's not Baywatch.
It's not a fucking movie.
It's about letting Jeanette do whatever she wants, eat pizza in the pool, who gives a fuck.
She her fucking husband has, you know, some Wall Street shit job and she takes her kids down every day, but they love her at the beach club and she gets to do what she wants.
So if she wants to eat a fucking pinwheel in the pool, she can do it.
But if some slob with no money wants to do it, you fucking scream at them.
And then you look at Jeanette and wink at her.
That's what being a beach club lifeguard in Long Island is about.
It's learning that the rules are different for all, you know, different groups of people.
But hot and dumb is a great way to go in life.
And by the way, if it's all in the cards for you, do it.
Is there a better way to go through life than ignorant and taught?
I mean, to be honest, I mean, we can explore it intellectually.
Is there a better way to go through life than to be hot and dumb?
Yeah, I guess being really smart sucks.
It's certainly not preferable to hot and dumb.
Being aware of everything is annoying.
Ugh, the worst.
Hot and dumb like that.
Ugly and dumb is not good.
Ugly and dumb isn't good.
Hot and smart, there's still a burden of knowing more than you should.
And people don't take you seriously anyway.
And you know it.
And you know that.
I know hot, smart people.
They're like, they live in a prison because they're like, everybody's like, shut up.
But now on TikTok, they can tell you some really cool facts and be hot and people will stop.
TikTok's their moment.
Hot and smart's not bad, but hot and dumb, man, is that the ticket?
That's the ticket.
Yeah.
Because you don't have the awareness to know what people think of you and you don't care.
You're just like, hey, water's wet.
The sand is hot.
And they do find or dick is hard.
Hot, hot, dumb people find each other and they get a hot dumb.
They have hot dumb.
It's perfect.
Families and it's great.
And they just, yeah, they just post their pictures of them looking great by.
And then they're just tan and they surf and they're like, hey, and they just regard everything that's good.
Like, if you start talking to them about anything real, they just giggle.
They're like, uh.
They have no idea.
They don't know why everyone's so angry.
They're always like, why is everyone so angry?
I'm like, because they're not hot and dumb.
You hit a double jackpot.
You're hot and retarded.
Why are people mad?
Well, they're not hot and they know how badly they're being fucked.
That's where they're mad.
Hot and dumb people luck into things.
They luck it.
People give them job.
People love having hot, dumb people.
I love it.
I love hot dummies.
People that are hot and that don't challenge you rigorously intellectually are amazing.
That's where they always luck into things.
Yeah.
They always luck into jobs.
They're good to be around.
They're good to look at.
Oh, it's amidst your favorite Christmas tree ornament.
Six pack without a brain.
Bring them in.
Oh, it's amazing.
There's no better.
People just start giving you.
If you're hot and dumb enough, you could show up at like, it's happened.
Emma Klein has the book that's the book of the Hampton Summer called The Guest about a hot sex worker who just grifts her way through the Hamptons because she's hot and dumb.
And people are like, we like her.
If you're hot enough, you could knock on the door of a mansion.
They might not make you leave.
They might put you in a cage downstairs, but who cares?
You're hot and dumb.
You'll be, oh, this is fun.
I'm like a dog tonight.
Yeah, you're like, oh, I like this.
Yeah, I'm a dog.
I'm a doggie.
Rough, rough.
Hot and dumb all the way.
If I could do it again, I'd be hot and dumb.
I would actively fight the development of my brain.
And you can.
If you get hot and I would swim every day and sit ups, push-ups, pull up, sit up.
I'd watch only YouTubes about fitness and you could get dumb.
If you only get it.
It's easy to get dumb.
It's easy to be stupid in this world and do it.
Would you have had a sport?
Being dumb.
Get your head knocked around or anything?
Swimming, lifeguarding.
Football?
No, Too much wear and tear, too much potential for problems.
Swimming, surfing, beach.
Sun, like the sun making you stupid.
Yeah, beach dumb.
Yeah.
The ideal is beach dumb.
The ideal is not like muscle dumb.
The ideal is beach dumb, like toe head, blonde hair, beach dumb.
Like people just look at you going, should I give you my house?
You're so hot and dumb.
Should I just help you out?
Do you want me to pay for your college that you'll fail out of?
Like that kind of hot and dumb.
I saw your butterfly stroke today.
It was good.
You still got it.
I still have it, but now it looks like I'm trying to save myself from something coming.
No, hot and dumb is it.
Manhattan Beach, hot and dumb.
This is like maybe a children's book you need to write.
But the children should be.
Hot and smart, if you unpack it a little bit, because I know people that are hot and smart, they are not happy.
It's not good.
It's not good because they're actually people, the smart people discount them because they're hot.
They never get taken that seriously.
They know more than they should.
And people that are as good looking as them are stupid.
And it's hard to stay hot.
Yeah.
Because they start going, well, what's this all for?
Yeah.
And then that's the problem.
Because you can think your way into, like AA is like, turn your brain off.
You can think your way into a drink.
You can think your way into a cookie.
You know, I literally have gone to Carvelle, literally, where I've literally driven there and gone into a Carvelle having no intention of eating, but starting my brain,
my addict mind starts pumping thoughts into my head that are like, listen, you should just go and get this little ice cream because if you get this little ice cream, you can just pretend it really didn't happen.
And you could get up tomorrow and everything can change.
Because people that are constantly, like their brains are constantly working, they can justify so much bad behavior because they're like, no, I'll just create an entire world, an entire parallel universe of me tomorrow where I get up and do all the right things.
So today is for me.
And tomorrow.
Stupid hot people are, they're too dumb to like.
Ice cream bad.
Ice cream bad.
Workout good.
Ice cream bad workout good.
Flat chest six pack good.
Fat bad.
It's, it's, it's, you know, they don't, they don't, like the people that have the most success in AA just go into AA and they're like, God wanted this.
God wanted me to crash into the house.
God wanted this.
This is all part of the plan.
There's a big plan here.
There's a big plan and it's about me.
And they designed this.
I was supposed to get high.
I was supposed to find my mother's bottle of gin in the closet and drink the whole thing and fall asleep and throw up and spend 10 years of my life because it all brought me to this point.
And God bless those people.
I'm not shitting on them, but they did.
And to believe that a little bit, you have to turn off some critical thinking in the old noggin.
In the old noggin, you have to turn, you have to imagine that God up there is like playing clue with your life.
And they're like, bottle of gin in the closet.
Let's see who finds it.
Let's see who spends 10 years getting drunk.
And then let's see who figures out how important I am 10 years later after they've driven drunk for 10 years.
Maybe killing.
It's like, but you have to do it.
You have to turn your brain off and you have to move to the next thing.
But you also have to be like accepting of what has happened.
You can't go back and change it.
I am accepting of it.
But if I could do it all over again, this was my premise.
If I could do it all over again, I'm hot.
And I'm the type of dumb where I have a Native American dream catcher above my bed.
That type of dumb.
The type of dumb where I know a very little bit about a few things.
And I love Hawaii.
Dumb people, God, do they love Hawaii?
If you are a retard, Hawaii calls to you because they're like, it's a spiritual place.
The elders and the ancient rhythms of the world, man, if you are dumb, Hawaii opens their arms and hugs you.
I want to be Hawaii dumb.
Like with Native American, like not even Native American, like ancient Native bullshit strewn around the house that someone gave me because I was hot.
Tan, six-pack.
Yeah, you'd go surf in Hawaii.
Surf in Hawaii.
And, you know, I want to be the type of dumb where like the most formative experience in my life is taking mushrooms.
There's a certain type of dumb where the only thing that's ever rocked you or rattled you or given you any insight has been mushrooms because your brain does not work unless it's stimulated in that way.
It does that for smart people though, too.
Smart people because they can't shut their brain off.
I've heard a lot of people, a lot of people that are like overthinkers and then they do mushrooms.
I'm not saying that smart people can't have psychedelic experiences of great value.
What I'm saying is that dumb people, it's the only window into any, you know, spiritual or deeper thought they've ever had a deeper thought about anything.
And usually those psychedelic experiences turn into like a very selfish like, which is fine.
There's nothing wrong with that.
That's why all these demons are burning man taking DMT and then figuring out how to like, you know, charge more money for air and water.
It's a real spiritual experience.
But like I want to be that type of dumb where I'm just like that.
And so if I could do it all over again, I would just focus on my body and being really hot and not knowing a lot of stuff because I'd be like, reading's kind of a waste of time.
I don't care.
It doesn't really matter.
No one knows the answers.
Nobody finds anything out.
I'm just going to be good looking enough to kind of get everyone's sympathy.
You know what good looking people get all the time is sympathy from other people.
Because it's crazy.
Like you can present yourself as just a hot person and people are just like, are you lost?
Are you okay?
Do you need anything?
Like judges, like when hot people get DVs, judges like, you seem like a good man.
And I'm, you know, you remind me of my nephew.
One, there was one thing, and I don't know if this was a kid who was hot.
He was just probably white.
Some college guy like broke into another guy's house and like beat him up at a party, like broke into his house, beat him up.
And then the judge was like sentencing the guy going like, you remind me of my nephew.
And you're a good man.
You're going to have a great life.
Like if a black kid did that, the judge would be like, you're in and you're not getting out.
But like, so hot and dumb to me.
That's the goal.
People ask me all the time.
And I fight people.
Me and Rogan had an argument about this the other night.
It's an argument about it.
But like we have these fun arguments.
What did he think?
What does he think about it?
He goes, no, you want to be, you want to be hot and smart.
No, no, Joe.
But I love, like, me and him always come at things from interestingly different points.
Joe has a lot of great points.
But I'm like, no, hot and dumb's good.
And then I kind of warmed down with funny stuff.
And he's like, that is, that is, he goes, you do make a couple of good points because it is just preferable.
Like, you know, you want to be in the position, like, the less you know, kind of the better.
I just don't know how many, like, truly hot dumb people I know.
There's not a lot of people.
Because they eventually, they like, they do, like, luck into things.
That's right.
A lot.
And I'm, I'm just, like, do you remember when Rob Lowe, didn't Rob Lowe, like, write a book about, like, how it's like hard for him to be so handsome?
I'm sure he did because he's too smart.
But Rob Lowe's smart.
The problem with Rob Lowe is that he's smart.
And smart people, like, there's nothing worse than a hot person who doesn't, who wants to be more than hot.
And they're really trying hard to be like smart or funny and they're not.
Because I almost feel like a dumb hot person is like a hot person that doesn't like use their hotness to like get ahead in life.
So it's like the hot person that works at the hotel.
That's not it.
That's not it.
A smart hot person doesn't use their hotness.
A smart hot person doesn't want to be used doesn't want to be seen as a hot person.
So do you look at like actors as dumb hot people?
I mean Annie of fucking Annie.
I mean, of course they are.
I'm talking about the, I haven't been hit by the I mean exhibit A, Your Honor.
Like, yeah.
Smart hot people have the like burden of knowing that everything they get is because they're hot.
Right.
Dumb hot people don't.
It is funny.
Like when I see like a hot cop or something, like just go like be an act, like go play an activity.
Smart Hot People Burdens00:05:51
But there's no jobs for them anymore.
Yeah.
It's 2023.
There's nothing for them to do.
In fact, actors are an endangered species.
They're just, they are like good at like Philip Seymour Hoffman, like brilliant actors.
What do they have to do anymore?
It's just hot people.
Acting now is just like, you're either on Riverdale or you like fill a quota.
I don't know.
I feel like they've ugged up Hollywood big time.
They've made it very normal.
Like every commercial.
Remember when commercials used to be just like smoking hot people?
You're like, oh my God, I want to get Cheerios.
Those people are so hot.
They get to eat Cheerios.
And now I'm like, oh, like my neighbor from middle school is eating Cheerios on TV.
Yeah.
I mean, I think we're losing our hot people.
Well, we absolutely are.
Harvey was our guy.
He was bringing our hotties in.
Well, we're putting in fatty boom baddies because we want to be body pas and we are putting in a lot of diversity.
Not that I have a beef with it, but it doesn't make sense.
Like the type of diversity in the little mermaid, like the little mermaid has five sisters and they're all different races.
Was that what happened?
Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
It's literally checking a box.
It's like it's the United Nations, her family.
It makes no sense.
So, yeah, hot isn't the thing anymore.
But it is in real life.
But it actually is.
It is in real life.
But I will say there are certain people, like when you see them in person, you're like, I'm not supposed to talk to, like, they're too hot.
Like, there is like a, and those people should be celebrities.
Those should be people that are like hot people.
They should give them millions of dollars because it's like, you are not allowed to be in society.
Here's what hot people need to do.
Here's what hot people need to do.
Actings out.
Actings out because there's not enough money.
It doesn't matter.
Hot people need to be hot around rich people.
Yeah.
That's all they need to do.
And then the rich people just give them, they just ration out their money.
They'll figure it out.
They'll figure it out.
Now, I have a question.
The bartenders last night were all pretty smoking hot.
Was that on purpose?
No, I did not know who was coming.
Like, it looked like a Scars guard was like serving alcohol.
One of them was Russian or something, and they have very cut angular jaws and kind of those icy blue husky eyes.
I was like, what is where do was this a headshot situation?
You know what it is?
It's like they, that's, by the way, oh, catering is also kind of a job for lookers to a degree.
Like if you're a waiter at a high-end event, you don't want to look like a slob.
Yes, but it is like, I do feel like nobody wants to feel really big out of hot people crab puffs at the white party.
I'm feeling terrible for hot people right now.
Annie's going down for them.
Well, it is.
Some of it is.
I mean, I'll tell you why, though.
I'll tell you why hot people right now are in trouble, and I can help them.
I can help them if they would put their big penises in my.
No, listen, here's the deal.
The problem right now, we're living in a world where the ugly are controlling.
They are.
They're controlling the means of production.
And here's what I mean by that.
The ugly gross nerds are running all these tech companies.
They're now starting to run Hollywood.
Yes.
Now, they're minotaurs from Greek mythology, some of these people.
I mean, they're grotesque.
And they are deciding.
Now they're pushing the hot people out.
And that's a problem.
But don't they want to be with other, like, don't they want to be surrounded by hot people?
Like Harvey White's.
No, they want to be hot.
I've always just wanted to fuck hot people.
Like Harvey.
Because it's special.
It's like, I like going to the beach.
I don't need to live at the beach.
It's nice to go to the beach, to have sex with a really attractive person is nice.
But you don't want to be around them all the time.
Well, you can't be them.
I don't have the discipline to be hot.
I've dedicated myself to being funny.
I'm not going to be hot.
38.
What do people think happens at 40?
You can lose a little weight to stay alive.
You can get hot at 40.
Segura is not hot.
He's thin.
He's better off than he was.
You don't get hot past a certain age.
Let's cut it out, folks.
I'm not here to lie to half of you.
People listen to podcasts.
People lie to you all day.
And then they make a lot more money than me because they lie to you, people.
Listen, but the right of the people.
I saw the Gretons that walked into my house yesterday.
It was wild.
I mean, the people that walked into my home.
They look like they all got out of an ambulance because you're 38.
Now, if you want to be around hot people, you better bring something to the fucking table, like a personality or a couple of shackles, a little bit of money.
But you're not going to be 38.
You're not going to be hot.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Behave.
You could survive.
You could lose.
If I lost 80 pounds, I wouldn't be hot.
I'd be a guy that lost 80 pounds.
You'd go, good for you.
You wouldn't go, God, he's hot.
Jonah Hill got hot.
He's not hot.
You nuts?
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
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You don't see them because you get different shows depending on your country.
So what you see on Netflix here is completely different to what someone in Italy or South Korea sees.
I love South Korean Netflix.
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I watch that hit the big hit there, the big one.
And it's like nuts how good it is in South Korea Netflix.
It's my favorite show.
The show on that.
By using the ExpressVPN app, I can change my online location.
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The Surfer Lifestyle Debate00:15:24
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Did he have a stroke from the vaccine?
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Let's go into Jonah Hill.
What's the problem with him?
What's happening with Jonah Hill?
Yeah, so his ex-girlfriend posted like screen grabs of him being her words emotionally abusive.
Folks, I'm going to tell you right now, Jonah Hill is a man like myself that for a very long time has dealt with his emotions with like a brownie.
Okay?
With a pint of ice cream, a big sandwich, a bowl of pasta.
It's not good.
It's not advisable.
But he then, he never learned how to be a human being.
He learned how to be a human eating.
Well, he's also like, he was literally the fatal.
That's funny.
Wild turkey just laughed.
Thank you.
When he was in like, what, Grandma's Boy?
And then in.
Give it to Annie.
I want Annie to read the message.
Oh, my God.
You're going to try to make me read?
Annie, please.
I can't read.
Do you really not?
Are you really not able to read?
It's challenging.
I called my dad recently.
I was like, I think I'm dyslexic.
And he was like, at this point, Annie.
No, but that's what everyone has to say.
At 38, it is at this point.
Anyone that calls me now and they like want to improve themselves at 38, I'm like, but I disagree.
I think it's the time to get better.
No, I think it's the time to pick the point.
I think it's like, I think, I just saying you can't lose weight or get smarter or make more money.
I'm saying none of that matters.
And I'm not saying.
It never matters.
But I see what you're saying.
I'm not saying you're gay.
Here's what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is you can do anything you want to do and it's good for you.
Good for you.
But if you're a retard at 38, you're not going to be a genius at 40.
You're not.
You're going to be smarter than you were at 38.
You'll be better looking than you were at 38.
You can become hot.
Okay, so this is what Jonah Hill said to his girlfriend.
Plain and simple.
If you need surfing with men, boundaryless, inappropriate friendships with men, to model, to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, to post sexual pictures, friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild, recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful.
I am not the right partner for you.
If these things bring you to a place of happiness, I support it and there will be no hard feelings.
These are my boundaries for a romantic partnership.
My boundaries will, wait, my boundaries with you, with you, based on ways these actions have hurt our trust.
That's what he wrote to her.
Well, what's his point?
He, okay, so here's, this is what I'm gathering from this is that she was a surfer.
So he, and he keeps saying things about surf community.
There's more.
This is my perfect example of someone who thinks he's like a hot surfer now.
Yes.
This is my perfect example.
This guy, okay, thinks he's a hot surfer and he's trying to be like a hot, smart, manipulative surfer.
Yeah.
This is the worst of all worlds.
He doesn't realize.
What?
He doesn't realize that losing the weight didn't change his.
You can't start treating people like shit unless you've been hot for a long time.
And he's not even hot.
No, he's not hot.
She's already doing him a favor.
And so she was like...
He looks terrifying.
It's very weird in the black.
He's terrified with his head with the...
He has this.
He looks like he's been marooned on an island.
The eyebrows are gone.
He lost his eyebrows to the blonde son.
Anyway, so, okay, so his girl gets into surfing later in life.
It's a problem.
He just does it for fun, and that's okay.
No, no one we're friends with.
We're talking shit on.
No, no, no.
I'm not sure.
I'm just saying.
No, look at that.
He looks homeless.
Jonah Hill looks like a homeless person.
That's crazy.
Good for him.
But okay, so he was already a surfer.
She was already a surfer, and then he was like, so, and I guess she competes and stuff, and she would post pictures of herself, but now he doesn't want her in swimsuits, like, or posting these things or surfing with guys, which is like, I mean, it's a little weird if she was already surfing, if these were people she surfed with, but I also kind of think when you're a celebrity, you're like under the, you're like a little more embarrassed.
You're a little more.
And he is like, you can do this if you want, but not with me.
I mean, it sucks, but I would never tell someone they can't post pictures.
He's near the board.
He just kept saying, and other ones.
This is the, this is the punishable part.
It's not anything he said to her.
He just kept saying within the surf community.
And that's the embarrassing part.
But I can't find that part.
But it was like he just kept going like, for you to be doing this like.
He used the word the surf community.
I know.
He used that coupling of words.
Like you're in the surf community with me now because I've been a beach ball my whole life.
But for the last two years, I'm now surfing and now I'm the god of the surf.
He thinks he's Poseidon.
Okay, the god of the sea.
Because for a year, I've stopped myself from shoving food into my fat face.
Okay, I have more.
I have more.
You're right.
I want him to get eaten by a shark.
Listen.
God, if he got it.
How great.
By the way, if tomorrow morning I woke up and had Jonah Hill eaten by shark in Malibu.
Kanye West's favorite children.
I'm telling you right now, I would give my money.
It would be like, you know, when Scrooge woke up and he gave a turkey to the poor.
If Jonah Hill's eaten by a shark in Malibu, I will get up tomorrow and walk around the Hamptons giving money to people who already have it.
But it would still be a nice idea.
Okay, so here we go.
He says this some more.
He goes, you're right.
We can't do surf social things or develop trust until you consider me and make decisions that give regard to our relationship.
I have been vulnerable, as vulnerable as possible.
And I am telling you, I am needing you to step up to the plate, which you can.
I'm sure of it.
But these losers don't get your time if you want me.
Straight up.
It's consideration.
And he goes, I respect your love of surfing, but I respect myself as well.
And your love of surface is doing.
She got a pussy out on a board?
She's just surfing, honestly.
She just has to wear a swimsuit.
So he's not.
But this is the thing.
He's jealous.
If she worked at an office and was walking in in like a swimsuit, I would be like, hey, man, what are you doing?
But doesn't she have to wear like a wetsuit to surf?
It is just, it's like, is it a part of the job?
But also, it's like, if she were to model, like she can't have like a job she wants.
But he's deeply insecure.
He's so insecure.
Because he spent his life being a fatty boom batty.
And she was already, and she was already a surfer.
Like, if she like developed this.
I don't ban this surfing.
I don't like it.
The sharks are now going nuts because of the surfing.
I'm telling you, they've had it with the surfers too.
And I've had it a little bit.
I had it with that bitch who lost an arm and still surfs.
I've had, because you know what it is?
I go in the water, me and a couple of other portly, pale, moneyed pigs in the Hamptons.
We float and we don't go far.
And we don't bother the sharks.
We just kind of float around and, you know, kind of enjoy and just float and just kind of, you know, it's like we're back in the womb.
And then the surfing fucks, they go out way too far.
They start bothering the sharks.
And then the sharks come in and bite everybody.
Some sad news tonight.
Actor Jonah Hill was apparently killed in an apparent shark attack off the Malibu coast.
Moments later, his ex-girlfriend posted a sexy picture on a surfboard.
Yeah.
Moments later, his ex-girlfriend started an OnlyFans.
I mean, it is interesting because I have people that are like, I can't remember who I was talking to, but they're like, can you believe like her boyfriend wouldn't let her start an OnlyFans?
I'm like, well, it's not like letting or anything, but I can understand if you don't want your girlfriend.
Jonah Hillsbury.
She was killed today in a shark attack.
The BBC's like, Jonah Hill was killed today in a shark attack off the coast of California.
His girlfriend released a post-human sex tape of both of them on her OnlyFans.
No, it would be like of her and her guyfriend, not him.
He died.
We think it was a suicide.
He walked into the shark's mouth.
Yeah, but it is like, I don't know.
You know what?
The only reason that it's making me like side with him a tiny bit is just because he's just like, he should just break up with her if he doesn't.
Listen, here's the deal.
I don't know what she's doing.
If she's hoeing out there on the board, she can't be hoeing.
Is she blowing dudes on the board?
I don't know.
I don't surf.
Do people fuck on surfboards?
Do you ever surfboard?
It's a very sexual community because everyone is hot and dumb.
And Jonah Hill thinks he's hot.
No, he knows he's not hot.
He knows.
Here's the thing.
He also, he's an overthinker, right?
So he's like thinking like an ugly person.
He's not thinking like a hot person.
That's correct.
So he's thinking like an ugly person.
He's like spinning all these tails.
But it's just like, like, if you caught, if you got her when she was still like in her like hope, but she, the only reason she's like trying to sell her.
I see a photo of her.
It's not like amazing.
Let me get a photo of her so I can really just, I need to know what I'm even talking about here.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
She's pretty, but I don't go in for this au naturale look with the women.
It's a new thing.
I don't go in for this.
I like a real gussied up Russian whore.
I like a done-up Russian whore.
I do not like kind of look like men a little, don't they?
Doesn't she look a little bit like The guy that's always on Rogan with the coffee.
What's his name?
The guy who's always on Rogan?
He's a surfer.
Oh, Larry Hamilton.
Larry Hamilton.
Yeah, she looks a little bit like Laird Hamilton.
You know, here's the deal.
I'm not into this O Naturale look with the, with the, I, I get it.
You know what I'm thinking?
I bet you she's a great surfer.
And he was like, if you want marriage and family, you can't use the 25 cards.
Step up and cut blank.
These people don't get your time or cut.
Yeah By these people, he meant any friend of mine that he hadn't personally approved of.
I'm not for her releasing these texts.
I don't think it's appropriate.
I don't think he did anything that's so bad here.
I think what it is is like he is like his boundaries are inappropriate because it's obviously her lifestyle.
He's asking her to change her lifestyle, but that's also okay.
Like if he's like, if I want to like actually marry you and stuff, I can't marry someone that's like still partying and shit or whatever.
I don't know.
You know, here's the way I feel about this.
He's in the news entirely way too much.
A lot.
It's, I'm a why.
Why?
Why is it a news story?
Well, you people was incredible, so that's why.
Was it?
Was it?
I don't.
I was happy to see Sam Jay in a movie.
I'll tell you that.
I did not see that movie.
I'm just saying I've, I've, you know, at the end of the day, I wish him the best.
I wish her well.
I wish him well.
I don't know what's going on.
This seems like, this seems bad.
I remember, okay, so the thing this kind of reminds me of is with Chris Hardwick when he got like his little hit piece written by his ex-girlfriend.
And his ex-girlfriend was saying things about him that were so, to me, sounded so not bad at all.
Like it was things like, you know, when we were out in public eating at a restaurant, he'd always tell me to like be quiet because people were listening.
It's like, that's not silencing you.
That's like he's a famous person.
No, yeah, it's also like witches are looking for a fucking moment in the spotlight.
Right.
Because they, somebody was slightly mean to them.
But it wasn't even mean.
And it seemed like he would just, it just, sometimes it's people just like trying to reason with the people, but I don't know.
I don't think you should have.
It's like, I mean, you can post whatever you want.
Obviously, if you send someone something, you know that there's like a chance they're going to screen grab it and post it.
So this is just like the world we're in, but it's just sort of like, I don't know.
She's 25.
I'm sure when she's 30, she'll probably go, oh, that wasn't that bad.
Yeah, she'll probably be like, you know, he cared.
I think she met a famous guy.
She wanted to keep a famous guy, but she was still having fun.
And she's trying to do both.
She's trying to like keep her regular life and her.
Maybe I should get the mafia guy on Rogan.
He deserves it.
I'm thinking about it.
It's not the worst idea.
What if it was me, him, and Jonah Hill?
I think it's a great idea.
And there's a shark and he eats one of you.
Why isn't Jonah Hill been on Rogan?
He lost weight.
Rogan respects that.
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
That's why he gets on?
Yeah, I mean, of course that's why he gets on.
But that seems to make sense.
That is...
Well, if he was doing jiu-jitsu, maybe.
I don't know.
I just don't tell people.
Do you think Joe surfs?
No, he doesn't.
He doesn't like water, really.
I would love to see him.
He's not a water sports person.
I don't think he does go.
Of course he can swim, dummy.
Oh, my God.
That's crazy.
You think that's swimming?
That would be hilarious if he was like, I can't swim.
No, of course he can swim.
I just have never heard him bring.
I'm sure he goes in the water with the kids or whatever.
He must have tried surfing at some point, living in how he lived in California for some time.
Maybe.
Maybe.
But it's not as brute of a sport.
Yeah, it's not like his main thing.
He's too smart.
Yeah, God.
Surfing's not for bright.
Because you get like a sunburn on your brain.
Surfing is really not for...
There's like sports for people that have a little bit of intelligence.
I don't believe surfing is one of them.
But you're right about starting surfing later in life.
It's like.
No, it's fine as of goof.
It's fine.
But not to take, not to be the guy.
The surf community.
Not to be like that guy.
I think it is something people get obsessed with.
People get obsessed with it, though.
They find disgusting when people start getting in.
Did you watch the thing like Stuts with his therapist, the documentary?
It was like Jonah Hill and his therapist, like interviewing his therapist.
I saw a little bit of it.
And he was like, Jonah, tell me what you're grateful for.
And he was like, surfing the ocean.
It's like, you just started doing this.
I have a big problem with narcissism that doesn't entertain me.
Yes.
I have, and I've always not, that's why I, I, Donnie, Donnie T, his narcissism is very entertaining.
Yeah.
If narcissism isn't entertaining, it's grading and it's like kind of foolish.
Yeah.
And I don't like that.
So what I found when he's interviewing his therapist to me, I'm like, why are we watching this?
Yes.
Therapy Breakthroughs on Tape00:06:43
Like to me, it's like when these comics do these things where they're like, I'm being very deep, I'm having all these breakthroughs.
It just seems like you're holding the audience hostage and it feels like you don't have respect for their time.
You mean like on when they do stand-up like that?
Yeah, when people, there's been a lot of that, but I think it's like the pandemic and people really are going through shit.
So it's like, I'm not going to do that.
But I know what you're saying.
I know what you're saying.
I'm not saying people aren't going through shit.
I'm saying like, make it funny.
It's not every comic who does this.
Some of them do it well.
But a lot of comedians out there, it's, you know, nothing's, you know, they're just like, this is my therapy.
It's not your therapy session.
And they will actually say that.
They will actually say, this is how I process.
Yes.
But it's okay if it's funny.
Just be funny.
Everything you can say is that it's funny.
It's okay if it's entertaining.
Otherwise, there's a room full of people going, oh, so if I don't enjoy this, am I a bad person?
If I don't, so if I don't watch Jonah Hill interviews therapist, am I bad?
Does it mean I don't care about him with the therapist and his journey away from Doritos?
It is very weird.
It was weird to just watch, like, why would it be you about your therapy?
Like, the guy, the therapist already has a book.
I've read the book.
Can you play the trailer of this?
Find the trailer of this.
The therapist has a book called The Tools, I think.
Yeah.
You can find this book.
Yeah, of course.
This is not a guy that hasn't been popped.
By the way, of course he does.
But you know who wrote Hank Azaria helped him write it.
I don't know.
It's like that.
So I think it's like he, it's like these actors that have this profound breakthrough with him and then they want to like share him with people.
But it's like, Jonah, he already had a book.
Well, yeah, I guess he helped them.
Yeah.
And I'm, and I'm grateful that people are helping him.
I'm grateful he got Jonah to a place where he can tell me how much he loves surfing.
If I hear one more time, okay, is this the trailer?
Yeah.
Great.
Let's hear this.
What's up, Stats?
Hi, Jonah.
Okay, entertain me.
Imagine your therapist on the show.
I'm just going to start by acknowledging how odd this endeavor is.
A patient making a movie about his therapist.
But my life has gotten immeasurably better as a result of working with you.
If it worked for me, maybe it will work for other people.
Gavin Schrinkle said, don't intrude on the patient's process.
They will come up with the answers when they're ready.
That's not acceptable.
They just listen.
And your friends, who are idiots, give you advice.
And you want your friends just to listen.
And you want your therapist to give you advice.
You don't have to solve all their problems, but you have to give somebody the feeling that they can change right now.
What's wrong, Jonah?
How can I make a movie where I'm talking about people being vulnerable and working on their problems and not be vulnerable myself?
You can't move forward without being vulnerable.
Vulnerability connects you to the rest of the world.
You're giving out the signal to the world, I need you because I can't do this by myself.
I was this wildly insecure kid.
The work has been accepting and feeling that it's great to be this person.
You are still in the struggle and in the fight.
By the way, how great it would be?
How great would it be if the therapist was like, yeah, I told her, get that bitch out of the ocean.
Like, that was his contribution.
But that's what I kept thinking about.
I told her, stop wearing, I told him, stop letting her wear a bathing suit in public.
I kept thinking because the timeline of it, he was making this.
So this therapist was like, you need to say your boundaries.
No, no, no, no.
You got to cover your ass, cheese.
You got a bitch out there with her tits out on the beach, man.
You got to fucking, you got to, you're the king of your castle, man.
If you want to marry this celebrity, you need to pack yourself up.
You got to keep that bitch in line.
Jonah's like, my life got immeasurably better.
He told me I had to keep this bitch in line.
She was walking around with her tits out.
What the fuck's wrong with her?
She had friends that I didn't personally approve of.
He like draws cartoons in it, bro.
Yeah.
He just draws like stick figures of him like that.
We got to be vulnerable, man.
It's the key to unlock the secret power that tells you, bitch, who she could talk to.
This, all of this stuff pops up, though.
It's like, it's...
I'm torn because it is like maybe someone did watch that and they were like, oh, this, I heard this piece of therapy from this guy and this long ass documentary.
I heard one line or whatever, but it is like, it's like, there's a book.
They could have just read the book.
This is like Jonah Hill.
Like, you didn't see it.
So like Jonah Hill at one point, he's like, I can't, how can I put this out there without being more vulnerable?
He's like, I got to show them.
And it's like, then they show that the guy's been on a green screen and that Jonah Hill's been just like pacing back and forth, like not knowing how to finish it.
And he like pulls off this wig.
Like he's been wearing like a wig to make it look like it was like the six months ago when he started.
And you're just like, what is this?
What is going on?
I mean, I watched the whole thing.
I watched the whole thing.
I like therapy shit.
Here's the thing with actors, and I might take some heat.
Everything an actor says is suspect from the jump.
Immediately.
No, I'm telling you.
Immediately.
Everything an actor says is a suspect from the jump.
I don't trust you.
Megan Markle was an actress.
I don't trust anything.
I have spent time with actors in LA.
I have friends that are actors.
They listen to this show.
I view everything they say as a role.
They are playing.
And if the next day they reverse everything or it's not real or none of it would shock me because truly everything they say, I regard with complete and utter skepticism.
They're trying to be liars, like in a way, you know, like they're trying to learn how to like be, say lines.
Yeah.
Well, to be very good at their job, you kind of can't know yourself.
That's why they all have these breakthroughs like later on in life because like they never were themselves.
Yeah.
They played like all these different roles, but they never were them.
So like, you know.
Yeah, I feel like a lot of, yeah.
I'm happy for them, but like, you know, what, you know, they got rewarded early on for being themselves.
And for being able to so like trick everyone into thinking that there's something else.
Yeah, and it doesn't end when they go on like a talk show or anything.
It's not like then they like let it all hang out.
No, they're, they're a managed version of themselves everywhere they go.
Jennifer Lawrence is like fake tripping over everything.
Everywhere they go, they are a version of themselves that they've decided to.
Now, you could say, well, everyone's like that.
Not really.
Never Being Yourself00:03:01
I know.
I wish I was more like that.
I wish I could do that.
My backyard was full with a bunch of people.
None of them were like that.
They weren't choosing the person to be.
I will say that.
That person is who they were.
It's a lot of who they were in 12th grade.
It's the same type of my friend brought up a good story when me and him drove around getting high, listening to Ann Coulter's audiobook, Treason.
Are you serious?
And he goes, we had to be the only two people doing that.
He had, I had the audiobook treason, and we used to drive around in his Camry getting high.
And like, you would just turn it up and she'd be like, liberals have a preternatural gift towards treason.
You could be playing Scrabble and they'd instantly leap to the anti-American position and we would just hide high.
TimDylonComedy.com.
We are in Vegas at the win.
We are in Northampton Beach.
We've got a few hundred tickets left there.
We've done really well.
Let's blow that out.
The wind has some tickets left as well.
We're there with Denver Comedy Works, one of my favorite clubs, working on some stuff.
And then we are announcing a tour where we're going to be all over the place in the fall.
We're really excited about that.
TimDylanComedy.com, where you can get all of your tickets to these live events.
You can pre-order the book, Death by Boomers, a book about my family.
Tim J. Dillon on Twitter, Instagram.
Hopefully I'll have a blue check fucking soon.
Back on YouTube next week.
Annie Letterman.
I'm laying.
I'm lounging.
This was a very relaxing experience.
I think it was.
I haven't had a vacation.
This was a vacation.
Tim just showed me the world.
Thank you.
My vacation daddy.
I got you a burger.
I don't know if I should have done that.
He bought me a burger.
He got me an ice cream with the burger and fries.
I was treated like a, like a, like a dairy queen.
Let me tell you that.
She's like a real chubbo out here, and it was great.
Tim always fattens me up.
But anyway, you can see me.
I'm doing a birthday show on July 20th in Vegas at the Wise Guys.
I'm just doing one show there.
And then you can find me.
I'm going to be in Montreal, South Carolina, Philly, San Francisco, a bunch of places.
Just go to Annie Letterman.com slash shows.
And you could see me on Annie Wood.
It's on YouTube and you can listen to it.
It's on every thing.
And then also I have Trash Tuesday.
Which is my favorite podcast, the Trash Tuesday podcast.