Tim talks with Stavros Halkias about OJ Simpson’s case as the greatest American story, the plight of young actors and the food network.Live Shows:http://timdilloncomedy.com/#showsBonus episodes:https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshowNetflix special:https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382SPONSORS:ManscapedMANSCAPED.com & Use Code: 'TIM D'RAYCONGet 15% at RAYCON.com/TIM▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo...Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillonListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo...#TheTimDillonShowMerch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same.#TimGivesBack
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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First Class Fat Consumer00:09:20
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
You have to hold yourself accountable.
We're doing this six cheat day a week system here.
Halcus Core, Halkis Fitness.
Halkis fitness.
By the way, like every boomer diet always failed because every boomer diet was like based on this crazy premise, which was the entire boomer ecosystem was all about themselves.
So every diet was literally like they're like every diet that my mother would explain to me, she'd be like, no, I can have anything I want.
I just have to be accountable.
So if I have a chocolate cake, then I just have a glass of water later on.
That's such fat logic, too.
Where it's like, I remember just get my go-to move on the road was like, well, I'll get wings, but I'm getting a salad as well.
Right.
And to me, that's that equals out.
Yeah.
Completely equals out.
Yeah.
That's some immigrant shit, too.
Of like, we'll make you a full, a six-course meal, spaghetti to open up, lamb chops, you know what I mean?
A soup, a chowder, but then we got a nice light romaine afterwards.
Yeah.
You're good to go.
And you're fine.
Yeah.
You'll be okay.
It's like such a fucking it's uh it's a mind fuck out there.
It's now we were talking about the writer's strike for before we started, which I know none of my fans have an interest in.
And they tell me that.
Right.
You know, they're like, I don't want a theater kid.
Fuck off.
I don't want gay Hollywood machinations.
I don't want gay Hollywood stuff.
I'm just wondering because you are a labor leader.
That's right.
What do you know what's going on with?
I don't.
You don't.
I have no fucking clue.
I mean, come on, dude.
We're popular.
Where's your friends?
Where's Hassan Pika?
What's going on?
Give them what they want.
My guess is just writers, once everything became digital, they were just like, oh, this is something we don't.
There's no rules, so we just won't pay anyone.
Right.
That's almost certainly what happened.
And you hear about it with animation where they're like, they're like, okay, we're just going to get 6,000 Taiwanese 12-year-olds to render each image instead of paying like real animators or, you know, just like, they're just anywhere they can fuck your ass, they will fucking.
Anywhere they can take it.
And I have a thing happening now.
And my interest in this isn't selfish.
It's for the other people.
Nobody loves writers more than me.
Nobody loves a Hollywood sitcom writer.
Nobody loves a Hollywood sitcom writer.
They've all been said lovely things about me on Twitter.
They've said very nice things about my friend Joe Rogan.
I mean, nobody is closer with the Echo Park, Silver Lake writers crew than I am.
So my concern is for them.
I wish some of them looked funnier.
Not that they're all comedy writers, but in that, can you bring up that WGA GA thing on Twitter, you know, it just, I didn't feel bad.
They're not great at the marketing angle.
They should have had like Andrew Schultz direct the WGA, like writer's guilt, because it's just like sad, sack, hipster pieces of shit.
Right.
Being like, it's not right.
And you're like, oh, God.
You wanted a little more levity.
I wanted just, you know.
Whoopee cushion.
I wanted them to just make, just make people care because I got a thing now with one of these writers, good person.
And he's like, you know, he's going to do it.
He's going to strike.
I get it.
But then we're going to be fucked.
So it's Long Island, Call Me By By Your Name.
It's Long Island, Call Me By Your Your Name.
Everyone's obese.
It's very fat.
You're the thinnest man in the camp.
It's a very fat.
Call me.
Well, I was talking about this the other day.
I was talking about the trans thing the other day, and I saw you and Theo a little bit.
And I'm like, is it one of the issues that some of them are like getting fat?
Because I think that like any minority can't be fat in the beginning.
Like if gay people had come out and then immediately just like got in league with fat activism, nobody like they accepted hot gay men first.
Yeah, you gotta, yeah.
Theirs were not the first.
No.
They're not the Marines of being accepted.
They're not the tip of the spear.
No.
You don't throw the fats out.
You got a piece of action.
It's got to be like hot people first because then like straight people start going, you know, I might fuck that guy.
That's cool.
And then all of a sudden they're like, okay, maybe let's not kill that person.
But, you know, when fats start getting involved, people start, it becomes like, now you're fighting a war on two fronts.
Right, right, right.
No, no, you're absolutely right.
And I agree with you, Tim.
Fat phobia, one of the biggest issues we're facing today.
It is.
Without question.
It is atrocious.
First of all, planes should only have, what, 20 people?
I would say one seat.
I would say each plane should have like eight like big people.
But you as a big man and myself, I call us people of size.
But we understand that the fat activism is a little much.
It's getting a little much.
I agree with that.
I understand that people are upset at that.
No, nobody should be abusing fat.
You shouldn't be walking around and abusing them.
But we can't.
What does that look like?
Walking around.
I talked about it in my act.
In the 80s and 90s, fat women just got abused.
Like fat women were just abused.
And people would point at them and be like, look at this fat bitch.
And there are people that want to go back to that because they're monsters.
But we can't demand that the entire world remake themselves for the fat people.
But I would say if you had...
Look, if you put the fat consumer forward in an airline.
Oh, I think the fat consumer is fun.
If you put the fat consumer on the forefront, everyone's having a better time.
Right.
A little extra leg room.
That's a good point.
I don't need more leg room.
I need more width.
Right.
You know what I'm saying?
On a plane seat.
You're telling me that wouldn't be nice if you're some skinny piece of shit to be able to do.
I really, really open up those fucking money.
I think that if a fat person were to design a plane, even the thin people would have a lot more fun.
Oh, a lot more fun.
It's a good point.
The airlines would lose some money.
They'd lose a lot of money.
BizCoff cookies would be the healthiest option.
BizCoff cookies.
The fact that there's a cookie with no cream involved, there's no chocolate chip.
They give us that glorified wafer and they tell us that's dessert.
Well, you're in first class now.
I'm not first class now.
It's better.
It's much better.
It's the only luxury I'll never give up.
I will live on the street, but I will never give up the first class.
You get on first class and you're like, oh, you think this is going to be the best flight of my life?
And you're like, oh, they treat you like a human being.
Yes.
And that's it.
That's what first class is.
It's just being treated like a human being.
When you are in the back of the plane, which I was for years, in a middle seat, wherever I could be.
Is there anything worse than when you are on the aisle and the guy, it feels like fully full plane.
Yeah.
And they're like, this plane is mostly full.
And you're like, fuck, someone's going to sit here.
It's already done.
You're like, oh my God.
People are, they've fucking, the flight attends are putting everything up.
You're like, is this happening?
Is this really going to happen?
And then you see someone rush on the plane and they're elated.
They made their flight last second.
And then the second they see they're sitting next to you.
All that joy is gone.
You're like, I should have just missed it.
And I'd had an aisle to myself.
I sat once on a plane.
This is, I'm not even kidding.
Yeah.
With two of the fattest guys in a row.
It was to the point where, and we were in, by the way, in a row that was like, you know, there's first class and then there's like the, you know, comfort plus, whatever it is.
We were in one of those first rows.
So the people all, all looked at us as they were walking back.
Every like an attraction at the zoo.
Every single person looked at that row.
Where it is.
It's like, God damn it.
Look at, because it never happens where you have three huge guys.
It was three big dudes.
They're like, earn an extra cookie if you can tell us where his thighs end and his begin.
Yeah, it was a top.
It was just one mass of flesh.
Not one of us looked at each other and not one of us said anything to each other.
And all of our faces were of rage.
Oh, dude.
I've absolutely been there when I get a fat guy next to me.
I'm like, the airline should step in.
What the fuck is this?
The government should step.
I'll turn into a Marxist right now.
The government should never step in.
Look, if there was a child in first class, they got to switch the fatty in the middle seat with that fucking like trust fun kid.
Trust fun kid.
I hate, by the way, I hate children.
Should never be allowed.
I hate them.
Should never be allowed.
I hate them on their iPads.
Yeah.
I hate them so much.
I hate the attitudes they already have.
100%.
Telling the host, like telling the flight attendant, like just ordering them around a way you would be like embarrassed.
Oh, it's horrible.
More apple juice.
Yeah, it's disgusting.
I hate when a family's in first class and I go, oh, all of you are, my family was never in first class.
No.
So when I see an entire rich family in first class, I'm like, kids have to be, you want to get them comfort plus, fine.
Hate Children On iPads00:15:43
Right.
You cannot be in first class.
If I was a rich parent, I would just throw the kids in the back and go, guys, have some fun there.
Be independent.
Do some stuff, you know, whatever you want to do.
This is your taste of what reality is.
This is reality, man.
For four hours at a time, you'll get it and never again.
Yeah.
Otherwise, it's like, it's absolutely ridiculous.
Do you think Bud Light suffers long term for this?
Or have they even suffered?
Like, everyone's going, they've lost $6 billion.
I guess that's stock valuation.
How do we even know that yet?
I don't even know how we know.
Also, didn't they, I didn't, I wasn't really paying attention.
I don't give a fuck that much.
But apparently it was just like, I thought they said they made like a trans person their like spokesman.
No, it was like one thing.
It was like they bought an ad on some girl's Instagram.
Yeah.
And everybody blew it.
I was like, how dare they?
And so you got to think if you believe in like the no press, all press is good press.
Yeah.
Everyone's talking about Bud Light.
You got a lot.
You got retards buying them to shoot them with AK-47s.
And then you have gay people fucking, you know, doing, doing body shots with Bud Light now.
It's like, you know, and then you got me, I'll sip a little Bud Light.
I called Luis Gomez about it because Luis Gomez is Luis J. Gomez, the proprietor of the gas station network.
I called him and I talked to him because I always talked to him about like stuff like brands and marketing or whatever.
I'm like, what do you think's going on here?
He's like, ultimately, he thinks it's a great move that, like, when Rogan was having his thing with Spotify, there were thousands of articles that said the word Spotify and podcast in the same article.
All of a sudden, people now think of Spotify as the place for podcasts where they never did before.
Even though there was controversy, there was this huge.
So, I'm wondering now if people are just, you know, if long-term it's better.
What if they go not?
Maybe just maybe next is like OJ, like keep going.
Ooh, that would be sick.
Keep doing very controversial.
OJ really should be a pitch man.
Yeah.
What's he doing?
He's just Vegas.
He's one of the most well-adjusted people I've seen.
I mean, to be honest, I mean, it's crazy.
He's one of the most, like, if you see him on Twitter, like, of course, he makes good points.
He's always like kind of happy.
Relaxed.
Because I think he did what he wanted to do.
Like, he was like, how many people could kill someone who's bothering them?
Get away with it.
Get away with it.
And then on the other side, be like, okay.
Yeah.
I mean, that's got, look, morality aside, it's got to feel awesome to get away with.
And not just not even just like he planned it out.
He was studying for years.
It was like he did it.
It was so clear to me.
The way it was supposed to be done.
Everyone knew he murdered.
He probably saw her and him fucking through the window and went, tonight's tonight.
Didn't he kill like her gay friend, not the guy she fucked?
No, Ron Goldman was the guy she was fucking.
And he, I think one of the theories is that he saw them through the window and was like, it's on.
And then he went in there and, you know, cut their heads off, which I'm against.
I'm against.
Staunchly anti-decaffe.
Staunchly anti-that.
That being said, I've never seen a person on social media that I feel is in a better place.
Yeah, he's happy.
And look, you just amazing.
If you kill someone and you get away with it so publicly, it's like, and let's, we're forgetting the man is a Hall of Fame running back.
The man is talented in levels that people will never be.
He's an actor.
He's a running back.
He's been in, he was almost going to be the Terminator.
He was a finalist for the Terminator before Schwarzenegger got it.
He's in all the naked gun movies.
I might have to put him fourth in my most American lives.
I have the people that have lived lives that can really only be possible in America.
And my top three, it's in no order, but it's Donald Trump, Caitlin Jenner, and Alex Jones.
And I might have to put OJ Simpson as fourth in terms of lives that are really only possible in America.
For my money, dude, he might be right under DT.
He might be.
I agree with you.
Because, yeah.
Oh, I mean, just truly a star.
And at USC, we haven't even thought about all the pussy he got.
Oh, you know, I mean, he killed it.
He's got literally.
And now, now he's just in Vegas having a good time.
Nobody, he's become this like.
And I think if people see him out now, like, I got to be honest with you, I'm over it.
I think a lot of people are over it.
I think a lot of to be honest.
I mean, I know what you're saying.
You know what I mean?
At the same time, there's levels to that statement because you're, you know, having a life.
We're having a nice time here.
But at the same time, I see him online, and I don't think there's a murder.
I don't have any anger towards him.
I think let's see what OJ's got towards Nightman.
If I saw him in Vegas.
Hei Mikkel.
Hei, Gustaf skal bli med hjem i dag.
Kan han spise med oss?
Ja, selvfølgelig.
Hva er det til middag?
Grønnsakssuppe.
What?
Vi kan ikke spise det.
Vi er jo carnivore.
Alle er carnivore nå, pappa.
Åja.
Ja, det er i hvert fall i utgangspunkt til enkelt med frukt og grønt i hverdagen.
Med frisk og billig hos Rema 1000 får du nemlig alltid lave priser på frukt og grønnsaker.
Blant annet en kilo guldrot til kun 19,90 og et utvalg hel melon til bare 14,90 per kilo.
Det er slutsummen på kassalappen som teller hos Rema 1000.
Altid lave priser.
I would be excited.
I would kind of be really excited.
I'd be like, hey, OJ, like, hey, can I get a photo?
I'm a really big fan.
No, legit, just for the Instagram.
I mean, how many people are doing that?
By the way, everybody's probably doing that.
And imagine him thinking, like, when he's standing there, you know, in court and all this horrible stuff's coming out.
I wonder if he thought, like, hey, man, this is all going to shake out.
Yeah.
One day, Donald Trump will be the president.
Right, right.
Bruce Jenner will transition to Caitlin.
And then I'm going to be in Vegas.
And people are going to be actually coming up to me, going, Hey, I'm a big fan.
The Nelk Boys had him on the podcast.
Did they?
He's kind of rehabilitated.
He's kind of rehabilitated.
Is it?
I would literally go up to OJ Simpson and go, I am a huge fan and I would love a photo.
I would get.
And I'm very confident he decapitated his wife and her lover.
But I would absolutely go up to him and go, I am a huge fan, massive fan of yours.
Can I get a photo?
And then I would put it on my Instagram and try to come up with a funny caption.
And I think you figure it out.
That's how over it I am.
Of course.
I'm kind of over it.
I wouldn't do that with Dylan Roof.
Sure.
I wouldn't do that with someone I think is like, I think Dylan Roof is evil.
Yeah.
And because I think he went in, he targeted people based on their race.
100%.
And I think that there's something inherently evil about a person who walks into a church.
Yeah.
But a house in Brentwood where you're sucking off a waiter and a church.
That ain't a church.
And there's just different, it's not a church.
And I'm not saying it's right.
It's not right.
But is it a house of worship?
No.
Here's another fun angle.
If you really want to spin and you really want to start getting crazy with it, let's being pro-OJ.
The reason he did what's one of the biggest signs of CTE is damage.
It's brain damage.
It's aggression.
It's violence.
So, not only that, you could make him like, like, by the way, the NFL, when OJ Simpson dies, will drop a nuclear bomb on the funeral home that he's in so that science doesn't get a hold of his brain.
Right.
Because it, like, truly, he got crazy because he was one of the best.
I mean, dude, that motherfucker was playing when they had like one strat, one helmet.
Right.
You know what I mean?
They had like one little thing getting hit and taking hits all the time.
Yeah, he's a gladiator for your enjoyment.
In many ways, if you love the NFL, you killed Nicole Brown Simpson.
And a lot of people are okay with that.
If you put it in those terms, they're good.
A lot of people are okay with that.
I gotta be honest.
Because, number one, people hate LA, right?
They hate Los Angeles.
There's never been a city that is hated more, kind of justifiably, than LA.
No one cares.
A woman, now, this might be wrong, this is probably wrong, but a woman who's seen as a gold digger is not going to get the same level of sympathy than as the talented man who's made the money.
I'm not, hey, did I make the world?
Am I God?
I'm reporting what happened.
If anything, this is a news show.
This is a media figure and I'm reporting the news from the Gas Digital Studio in New York City.
We are re-litigating the OJ Simpson murders.
I gotta be in the Gas Digital Studio.
I gotta be honest with you.
There's not a man I'd be more excited to see in Las Vegas than O.J. Simpson.
There's no, could you think of a person in Las Vegas you'd be happier to see than O.J. fucking Simpson?
No.
I mean, I guess Carrotop, Chris.
I would ask him for weight loss advice.
I would hold myself accountable.
I may text OJ my steps every night.
That's how much I respect.
You want an ongoing relationship.
I love the naked gun.
I love those warnings.
So like there's a version of me that's at the end of every night going, OJ, I only got 7,500 in today because I'm on the road.
He's like, don't worry about it, brother.
Try to hit 12 tomorrow.
We all make mistakes.
Try to hit 12,000 tomorrow.
He's like, keep the carbs, you know, after 3 p.m., no carbs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me also just throw this out.
Please.
And this might not.
Is he the worst father?
Probably not.
He's probably not the worst dad in the world.
He's probably a pretty good dad, and he probably compensates for the incident he had by being a better father.
I think this is the first place you're kind of starting to lose me.
Really?
I think murdering your mother really puts you, I would say puts you.
I don't think it's ideal.
But I'm wondering, do his kids still have a reaction?
That's a great question.
I think they do.
Could someone here look that up?
Look that up.
I love that.
One of the producers here looked at it.
See, guest digital, what you have to do is walk out with a loaded gun.
This is not the Jamie Vernon experience.
You have to walk out.
You have to put a gun in there.
We kid, we kid.
But I think they actually stopped.
I think they do.
Interesting.
I think they have a pretty good relationship with him.
Because I did hear one theory that was...
That the son did it?
The son did.
My mother was obsessed with that theory.
You got to realize I was in a Comedy Central sketch about O.J. Simpson.
What I'd like the producers to do is if they can, I would like them to get up, just say no Jay.
And this may be the first time it is played.
OJ was a big part of my life.
This was the massive trial.
We watched the verdict in fifth grade.
We turned it on in our school.
There was a sketch called Just Say No Jay.
It was released on Comedy Central.
It was one of these sketches that they would put between shows.
And I played a kid who was playing with a DNA testing kit.
My father in the sketch was playing with a Bronco.
And my mother was doing Marsha Clark's cookbook, who was the prosecutor in the case.
And the idea was that the O.J. Simpson trial had invaded the home of every American family to an unhealthy degree.
And Comedy Central's marketing campaign was just say no Jay.
Stop watching the trial.
Start watching what we're doing.
Start watching.
Reruns of Saturday Night Live.
Yeah, and Mystery Science Theater and whatever, right?
And Premium Blend.
Do we have this?
Let's watch Just Say No Jim Smith.
I would love to.
Let's watch this.
So this is you as a child.
This is the first time this has been played on my podcast.
I think.
Uh-oh.
Hey, that's my voice.
Crushed it.
I've been in this business for years.
Was it after that point that he told you he'd take the next flight?
Yes.
And you're going to be able to do it.
Wow, the dark set of nojack from Comedy Central.
Wow.
So that was, man.
Thank you.
But that's guest digital, the grotesque guest digital.
But that is where I, you know, this is how big the O.J. Simpson trial was in the 90s.
is hard to explain to these youngins.
Now, your mother, when she was, she was obsessed with the son, did Ethereum.
Was she in an institution at the time?
No, my mother only went in when I was in my 20s.
Okay.
All right.
So she like, what happens with schizophrenia, it either comes on hard in the 20s or it's usually kind of later in life hormonal menopause in the 40s, midlife crisis, 40s, things like that.
More common in women than men, still happens in men.
But usually it comes on early.
But there are cases where I think the hormonal thing.
I think that's a lot of long COVID.
Not that it's schizophrenia, but it's menopausal.
Right, right, right.
A lot of it's hormonal.
Yeah.
So the OJs, so that was one of my first gigs, one of my first things I ever did.
And we went to this house in Connecticut and my grandmother went with me and it was just like an all-day shoot, but it was cool.
And it was like, oh, I'm in this.
I'm in this thing now.
Yeah.
Wow.
So yeah, OJ.
OJ, one of your first paying jobs.
This would happen without him.
One of my first paying gigs.
So like I'm in the business because of the juice.
Well, that's an important disclosure.
It's an important disclosure.
As a journalist, as we've covered.
As a journalist, I want to make sure that everybody knows that I'm defending OJ.
Not the act, not the act, the totality of the person.
He's a job creator.
The totality of the person.
That was one of my first shoots, Sesame Street and that.
And I've, you know, on Sesame Show, I did the Pokemon with Snuffalop, I guess, which we've played that, I think.
Yeah.
And, but that was my first, and I did an NYU student film.
I've tried to get this guy to give me this student film.
It's called Truck Stop.
I don't want to say his name, but I do.
But I won't.
And I've tried, you know, ad nauseum to get this guy to give me the student a film.
And he has not released it to me.
He's either embarrassed about it, but it's actually a great student film.
And I was nominated for an acting award when I was like, I don't know, I was like maybe nine or something or 10 or 11.
What's your role in Truck Stop?
It's about a guy who abandons his family at a New Jersey truck stop.
Nice, dude.
And it's me and this woman and my sister.
And we're all abandoned and we're at this dirty Jersey truck stop and she's trying to get money and it's like the hard and whatever.
And then this biker gives me his cheeseburger.
He's like, hey, you know, fucking, you need a burger.
But I was like thin back then.
I was a fucking piece.
Yeah, dude.
You know, so that is, I was never raped.
You know, here's the thing.
You made it out on scathed.
I made it out unscathed.
I was going to ask.
I was never touched because my parents were like, my grandmother and mother were really paranoid.
So if I went to a bathroom, my grandmother would stand outside the bathroom, like making sure nothing happened.
Now, if my parents were smarter, they would have put my pussy off the street.
Put the boy pussy on the street.
I would live in Bel Air.
Cast TikTok Kids00:16:11
Dude, well, that's what I was going to say is that it's kind of a shame because what happened to Amanda Bynes or whoever?
Crazy.
I almost feel like you would have survived.
I think you would have literally made a guy sign something before you sucked him off, even at nine.
I was smart.
Now, let's not advocate for this, but I knew what I was doing.
I knew what I was doing.
If I had to.
All I'm saying is, if molestation is a zero-sum game.
That's right.
And you can save a child who was destroyed mentally and put me in the middle of the moment.
By going back in time and getting you molested.
You're not even, dude, you've never even met Lewis Garrett.
By the way, sign me up.
You wouldn't even be here in the gas digital studio.
You wouldn't be podcasting.
Where it all started.
You would have become an executive somehow.
You would have started as an actor.
Yes.
And now, and you.
I do feel bad, though.
It is horrible.
Now, obviously, we're kidding.
But it is bad, you know, and I'm not accusing anyone of being molested, but you do see these guys at Cole Sprouse or whoever.
He's smoking the cigarettes on Caller Daddy, and he's just very like, you know, he seems like really out of it.
And I don't know what it was.
I don't know if it's molestation.
It could have been Dylan.
I don't know which sprouts were.
Oh, the guys from Big Daddy.
You think it was Adam Sandler?
Emma Theopena.
I don't know what.
But it's like these kids have become successful actors.
Rob Schneider on this set of Big Daddy.
You can do it.
Suck my penis.
How embarrassing.
How embarrassing is that?
You're like, I got molested on the set of Big Daddy.
They're like, well, that tracks.
How shameful.
But all these kids that went through Hollywood at a young age do seem insane.
Yeah.
But you don't seem to get out alive.
Like they all seem a little crazy.
Well, it's crazy.
It's insane to do.
It's an insane thing to do.
But I met a bunch of young, I'm doing this movie with Addison Ray.
Yes.
Who, you know, perfect blend of me?
Me and Addison Ray, like a lot of people, they're both, you know, listen, people like us because we're hot.
We're sexy.
We're young.
We represent a lot of things to women.
My fan base is mainly teenage women who are looking for, they're looking for advice.
And my advice to all of them is keep your pussy away from me and don't vote.
Don't even register.
Don't even register.
It's not sexy.
Is there anything less attractive than a woman voting?
But I'm kidding.
React to this, Hassan.
But no, what I think is like, so by the way, this Addison Ray, by the way, is lovely.
Like, I hate that you walk in there and you bet she's a bitch.
Right, right, right.
She's actually not.
Well, what?
She's like a nice, like, lovely person.
And I guess you would be, because it goes one of two ways.
You're either a monster or you're not.
She was like a really fun, cool chick that reminded me, like, oh, like, I get it.
Like, she's also really attractive.
So it's like in the head of a straight guy, I'm like, oh, this is, I get this.
You know, here's my pro.
You have one new conversation.
Hey, Lars.
Daniel from Joka Buland there.
You said you waited a last with children in Porsche.
I think that's why you would think it would be a last with Ukas Jokers, which is a choice for Gilde, Frior, Finnsbrotten and Leif Vidal, to minus 40%.
We'll talk.
Jokers, the good neighbor.
I totally get this.
Yeah, she made you, she made you think for a second.
She made me think for a second that I had gone down the wrong path.
Not that she'd be available if I chose.
Not that like, no, no, no, no.
Not that.
Like, the women that I would hook up with now are more masculine than men.
Of course.
Like the women that would be available to me.
Yes.
I was in a diner last night.
A Long Island waitress walked up and I had one of my producers from California and she and we go, he orders some faggot eggs or whatever.
Egg whites.
And I go, he's from California.
And she goes, yeah.
She looks at him.
She goes, hey, where's your surf boy?
Where's your surf boy?
And I'm like, oh, yeah, which is like, we're also on Long Island.
They surf here.
Yes.
I'm like, but so, but she's actually, and I'm doing this, this movie with these kids, and they're young.
They're not kids or adults, but they're young, attractive actors.
And they start at one time, they started to break out in song on this set.
And that's just in the script or just for fun.
Oh, just for fun.
Wow.
And they started singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the green room.
And then you start realizing, like, oh, they're theater kids.
Yeah.
Well, also, their lives have gone so well.
It's so well.
You got to realize.
You got to realize if me or anyone I knew broke in this song at any moment, it would be a signal of such a mental break.
Yeah.
Like such a full mental collapse.
My agent, they would all go and go, we got to get him in the wagon.
Get him in the wagon, give them a couple of steroid shots and get him back out on the stage.
Yeah.
But those kids.
You would have been beaten as a child if you started singing.
Unless it was like, we're doing it for money.
Right, right, right.
But otherwise, like, but their lives have been so good and they're so attractive.
And they're actually, here's the thing.
They're very, they're all nice.
Yeah, well, they're all rich too, right?
Yeah.
She's like, imagine being like a rich girl.
Like, yes, you could create, you're right.
The opportunity is either like the biggest monster of all time, like this careerist climber who has all the resources, or I don't know her at all, right?
I've seen like a couple TikToks videos, but it's like, it just seems like everything has gone, like, you can't have a more charmed life.
As like, things turn into a rich family.
And I think she'd admit that.
She'd go, things are good.
Yeah.
But she also works her ass off.
She's doing acting.
Like, there's stuff about her where you're like, a lot of them don't, right?
Yeah.
And it's romantic comedy and you're the two leads.
We are the two leads.
It's called what they're doing here.
Spyglass has decided to end.
They've decided to end their company.
It's a real throwback.
It's a producer.
It's a nice spin on the Harvey Weinstein story.
It's a nice spin on the horse.
Can you imagine it as a romance?
What if the actresses found it nice?
What if they found it charming?
When I was like, get in here, get in the room.
Want to be in a Tarantino movie or not?
Yeah, no, I play a security guard who gets decapitated.
This is not, I don't want to give away the lead.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a slasher, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But no, I'm not.
There was a clique of kids who are like, they are the rom cat.
But that's also so smart, though.
I don't know what the project is at all.
You told me very little about it.
But it's genius to use those kids in something like that.
Well, who are you going to use?
Us?
Yeah.
Well, but it's like you could pick like, you know, more serious quote-unquote actors, but there is something.
And I'm sure.
I think acting at a certain level, like if you're young and good looking, what is that?
Like, this isn't Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Like, let's just be honest.
What really is acting if you're young and hot?
It's like, I'm mad.
I'm going to fight you because you look at my girl.
Or I'm sad.
It's not.
Well, I mean, in a movie, a slasher, you don't need to.
But in any teeny bopper, what is the cast of Wednesday?
No offense.
Yeah.
Have you seen it?
I know one of them, but like, they're pouty.
I'm pouty today.
Yeah.
And today I'm angry.
It's like, this isn't, it's like the, because by the way, young people don't, like, unless they've seen their family burn in a fire, they don't really have that complex of emotions.
So it's not that layered.
You're not, you're not like translating some really complex, like everybody talks about that scene in White Lotus where Megan Fahey does that kind of this brilliant thing where you could see her like realizing all these things on the beach just in her face.
It's kind of amazing.
There's none of that.
Fucking Wednesday.
None of that in this slash.
There's just young people being hot and being like, I'm angry now.
Now I'm not at you.
Well, I'm sure.
I mean, Eli Roth is fucking a genius.
He's a killer.
He did hostile.
He's a killer.
I mean, he's literally killed people.
No.
He loves.
He's a brilliant horror director.
But that's what.
So without knowing it, I would assume there's some like subtext there where you cast TikTok kids.
I don't know what the project is.
Like a good example is in like Starship Troopers where they just wanted the hottest, most plastic dumbasses.
Yeah.
Because they're like, we're recreating basically propaganda.
It's like Nazi propaganda.
And so like you look at the cast and it's like the main leader looks like a gay porn actor.
You know what I mean?
The lead.
And then it's like, what's her face?
Charlie Sheen's acts who's just hot as shit, but not a good actor.
So it's like there is a time where you pick bad actors on yeah Denise Richards.
Yeah, exactly.
But here's the thing.
Casper Van Dem.
I actually think this chick is probably pretty good.
Interesting.
Because she takes it.
I saw her on set.
She actually takes it very seriously where I was kind of surprised.
And I actually looked at it and I've been on sets.
I was just on a set of one of the biggest films coming out where I was fucking up and being yelled at by the director, like being screamed at.
And I'll be able to tell people what movie.
Yeah, yeah.
Hopefully my scenes in it will know the jury or that.
I think it was great.
And I want to, I don't want to say what movie it is.
It's going to come out.
I know this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You told me about this.
And but I, so I know.
And it is a big movie.
It's a huge movie.
If I'm in it.
Yeah.
That'd be awesome.
They get cut out of that.
I will do something if I'm cut out.
I don't deserve to be cut out.
No.
No, we'll see what happens.
But I observed people and she was taking it very seriously.
And I think she's probably, because Eli's not going to put somebody in who's not good.
Yeah.
He's going to put somebody in who's actually good.
And I think she always kind of wanted to be an actress and then she'd maybe just gotten into TikTok.
But do you know what I mean in terms of directors who can use people without really their full not, they're not fully in on it.
You know what I mean?
Oh, for sure.
Like a great director is kind of like, you know what I'm saying?
That's probably me.
I mean, that might be me.
That's maybe what I'm doing.
They're just, you know?
Yeah.
But it's cool.
You know, it's interesting because I'm keenly aware that I'm a comedian who can act, but I'm not an actor.
And you know, you're not an actor when you hang out with some of these kids where you go, oh, they just have that theater kid energy that I don't have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're like, literally, someone will start being like, you know, they'll just burst into song.
And it's, it's appropriate for them.
Yeah.
And I just sat there kind of like, you know, like.
Of course.
No, theater kid energy is brutal.
And it's so self-serious too about acting.
Like, so one of the kids, he's like a really good looking dude.
And I like, I was like talking to him and like, you're like, hey, you want to hang out?
Yeah.
No, you want to meet me with, I'm professional.
You want to meet Louis Jacob?
I'm professional on set.
Well, they can meet cooler people.
You want some supplements from Onit?
I'm going to have to start with Louis Gomez.
I bought a couple of tickets to the mother shit.
But so one of these guys, I was talking to him and he like, he does this thing with his eyes where he's like, like really trying to get the scene from Clifford up.
Get the scene from Clifford.
Get the scene from Clifford up where Martin's.
Big red.
Oh, with Martin.
No, with Martial and he's trying to be a real boy.
Get this great movie.
This is a brilliant scene because this is how the kid, like, they kind of look at you like, I was like, oh, hey, man.
And I was talking to him and I think he thought I was going to say something like very serious.
Right.
So he just was like, he just looked at me like, and you're like, oh, they're just at every moment, these people just trying on people to be trying on face.
There's no authenticity.
That's the thing with those kids.
It's like they'll do anything.
They'll just like, you don't know who you're talking to.
But that's, I think, the only way to be a really good actor.
Right.
I guarantee if you met any of these guys, it's the same thing.
No way Ben Affleck is any different.
Yeah.
There's no way.
Red Pitt.
Red Pitt's probably exactly like that.
A hundred percent.
Him in particular.
He's such a good character.
A hundred percent.
They're all like that.
And they need to be.
That's the thing.
It's like certain people need to be.
And I'm sure it's like it's a nice kind of inauthentic, right?
It's not like some schizophrenic roaming the streets stabbing you.
It's like, oh, this is a person who just can kind of be a bunch of different things.
And if you're super hot, I guess that's kind of the, like if you're a super hot person, what's the point of picking one personality, right?
Because you could kind of get away with a lot of shit.
So if you're a super hot guy, you might go, I want to be a dick today.
I'm not going to put on a leather jacket and be a dick.
Do we have that scene out?
That's one thing that I find weird, which is, you know, like your middle name.
Doing it right now.
Can you just act like a human boy for one minute here?
Look at me like a person.
You can't do it for more than a few seconds.
Look at me like a human boy.
Don't mess around.
This is so fucking good.
But that's the way they're like, you talk to them and they're like, they don't know how deep.
They're always ready to get deep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they don't know how deep the conversation can be.
They're kind of like Du har en ny beskjed Hei Lars, Daniel fra Joka Bulan der Du sa at du ventet et lass med barnebarn i Porsche Tror derfor du vil synes at det passer med et lass med Ukas Joka Som er et utvalgt pølse For å gilde, friord, pinspråten og lei videre Til minus 40% Vi snakker Joker, den gode naboen Are you laying like life knowledge?
Because they look at me like I'm an elderly person.
Oh, of course, dude.
They look at me like I'm Jack Lemon.
You're a wisened crone.
I'm like 38, but they look at me like I'm like an old man who's going to say something very profound before he dies.
Gather around, children.
They're like, gather around the wisdom.
And I was like, Hatch Fest several years ago.
I was there.
But that's the thing where I'm keenly aware of like, oh, I'm not an actor.
I can act and I can do that.
And I would like to do it if it was my movie, if I was in control of it.
Yeah.
Do you are you doing more shit like that?
I'm trying.
I'm trying to act a little bit.
I mean, this, this, this year's been all about, I mean, I've been on the road non-stop for the last two years.
Non-stop.
I'm filming a special in May.
I just put out a little crowd work special if you want to go watch short books.
But yeah, that's got to be, that's kind of the goal where it's like, it would be nice to just fun to do some of that shit.
Yeah, I'm doing a little indie movie.
I did one scene, you know, you know, when you do like a romantic comedy and they meet a weird guy who yells at the attractive people on a bus.
Yes.
I did one of those scenes.
You know, that's perfect.
There's always kind of going to be something of that.
And that's fine.
I don't need, but I feel the exact same way you do, where it's like, I'm not a fucking actor.
No, no.
I like, I like the comedy.
Well, like, if I could do it over again, like, I think sometimes I go, what if I could do it over again?
I love these people who go, I would change nothing.
It's like, oh, come on.
Really?
Yeah.
But if I could do it over again, I'm thinking.
I just love the person I am now.
Yeah.
You have to think about the jobs that I could get.
Like, that is a plum gig.
If you could just be a hot actor who doesn't really have any life, you're just like, yeah, every.
And you meet these people, you talk to them, you go, and it's not like they're just like detached in this way that like comes from just being young and successful.
Advantage Of Being Ugly00:10:09
Oh, yeah, dude.
And just like, just like everybody, here's the thing with hot people.
Everyone is always nice to them.
Everyone loves them.
And actors, especially.
It's like you add hot, like a hot waitress who works at like a bar.
People throw things at her.
Yeah, but a hot, hot, like rich, successful person.
Oh, yeah.
It's life on easy mode.
There is a collapse that happens.
Yeah.
For those that can't transition, in the race phase.
That is a good point.
The collapse is never too far.
The collapse is not too far.
Because here's what happens to these actors.
They get some heat now.
Then they all go to New York and they take a photo with a like, you know, in an alley smoking a cigarette, looking at the ground.
The rebellious phase.
Yeah, they've been in New York for 48 hours and they act like they're like, this is I'm really going through it.
And then what happens is they try to be like the real actor because they've grown out of the teeny bopper bullshit roles.
And then they try to be like, oh, I got to be a real actor.
And then some of them don't make that leap.
Right.
And then they're fucked.
They're fucked big time.
And by fucked, I mean still rich and gorgeous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But some of them can't handle that.
They might do some drugs.
Yeah.
That's the advantage of getting a career when you're a big, fat, ugly piece of shit.
That's right.
It's like they can't take it from us.
They can't take it from you.
They can't take it from you.
The only one who can is the Lord.
Yeah, which that's around the corner.
The only one who can is the Lord.
Can you get up a little bit of this Cole Sprouts interview?
I just want to see because we just want to, we want to diagnose the actor here.
And you can tell.
And he's like, literally, this, by the way, can we take the money back from this Call Her Daddy chick enough with this $60 million?
Can we take that back?
They really hit a jackpot.
I mean, can we take that back?
It's horrific.
It's atrocious.
It's the worst thing I've ever watched.
I look at it the other way where it's like, you know, good for her robbing those Swedish people.
Yes.
That's good on her.
Good for her.
I'm just going like, I'm watching this person.
No one watches this.
I'm watching this woman interview and I go, this is not great.
She's really not great at this.
No offense to her.
Right.
To be honest, no offense to her.
This is everything you've got.
This name Barbara Walters.
The show was about her talking about getting anal, and I get that.
That's interesting.
But now she's doing these interviews.
And talk about your asshole more.
It was a great means to an end.
This is what Guest Digital does.
This is what I love about it.
Do you mind if I have a cigarette?
Please have your cigarette.
You know what, Gold?
Let's open the door.
I don't know.
People are all everyone's smoking weed in like a studio.
Tobacco and everyone gets like this.
It's fine.
It's fucking fine.
I'm curious.
Did you even go to like elementary school?
Even that.
I did.
It was off and on.
We found between jobs mainly.
What was it?
Even that preface of like, do you mind if I smoke a cigarette?
Everyone's cool with weed, but whatever happened to cigarettes.
Whatever.
Hey.
Remember when you could smoke a cigarette in a studio?
It's like, no, you're 20 years old.
What happened to smacking women in the face and smoking cigarettes?
Why do I got to eat at this lunch counter with a black guy?
Yeah, because he thinks he's in madman.
Watch a little bit of this because it is kind of.
I would love to.
It is interesting.
It's a fine diagnosis of the people we're talking about.
Was homeschooled, which is great because to be honest, I did not feel like I missed out on much.
Everyone that talks to me about their high school experience, I was like, this sounds fucking horrible.
It wasn't great.
It wasn't great, Cole.
But I'm wondering, do you remember when you were in elementary school?
Like, how did people treat you?
Because I know you weren't famous, famous, but like Big Daddy, you were, what, five?
Yeah, six.
And when we were kids, I don't think they really cared too much.
Some of them knew that we were actors, but Dylan and I, Dylan specifically, was a huge bully.
So our navigation through elementary school and middle school, we were like fucking dicks.
How would he bully people?
He would beat them up.
He would beat them up.
And then I became known as the twin that would come up and be like, I'm so sorry for my brother.
Wait, I kind of feel like that was your character also.
Zach and Cody.
Well, I think the writers on Zach and Cody took a lot of cues from our actual personalities.
By the way, she gets $60 million for this.
Telling Tif I'm ready.
Give me the balaclava.
I'm kind of ready to go full tanky because that $60 million to be like, she's sitting there in fucking claw.
What is she in those fucking, what are those shoes that Mario Batali used to wear before he?
Crocs.
Crocs.
She's sitting there and Crocs.
Cole Sprouts is smoking a cigarette and she's like, tell me about your brother.
And he's like, he was a bully when he was six.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that gets you six million.
Imagine getting beaten up by a child actor.
Imagine getting beat by a Sprouse by Cole Sprouse when they were young.
By the way, Mario Batali.
That could be the sequel to the.
Here's the thing about Mario Batali.
You could crush Mario Batali's fucking life story.
Now, Mario Batali.
Can you imagine?
The bio pic.
By the way, our friendship would end so quickly because we'd both be reading for that role.
Every sad comic in America.
We'd be just sitting there and they'd be like, okay.
And can you imagine that horrible script?
Because by the way, not a feature.
We're talking like a lifetime movie.
Let me see.
Lifetime movie of the week.
And like, literally, they'd be like, because when you go do these auditions, you like slate, you say your name and where you live, you know, and you see, you'd be like, Tim Dylan, Gustavus Halkias, whatever, New York, whatever.
And then you go, and then you have to read the lines, you know, and then you'd be like, you like these clams?
Hey.
Hey, you like working here?
I put my whole life into this goddamn restaurant.
The last thing, the least you could do is look at me.
Look at me.
Yeah.
Look at me.
You want me to show you how to make this dish?
That's called Tagliatelli.
You want to show you?
Come here.
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
I don't understand.
I thought you liked working here.
I thought you liked it.
They got Tagliatelli in Indiana.
Yeah.
Let me teach you something.
I thought you liked it.
The gnocchi has to be done just right.
Get over here.
Get over here.
You fucking bitch.
He'll never come back.
By the way, Mario Batali had an apology.
We've talked about it on the show, but he's just getting it.
The cinnamon roll?
The rapid cinnamon rolls?
Yeah, he was like, I'm sorry I raped everybody, but here's some reasonable pastries.
I mean, one of the best.
That's the king of the celebrity apologies.
The thing about Mario Batali is he was a good cook.
He was a great chef.
He did a splitting past at Babo that was great.
He did a lamb ragu that was lovely.
And he also was a rapist and an abuser of women.
And that is not good.
We're out on that.
We're out on that.
So we have to.
I don't fuck with Batali.
Here's the other thing.
There's a lot of people that can make a lamb ragu, like Nancy Silverton at Osteria Moza in West Hollywood.
Okay.
And she does not rape anyone.
Not to our knowledge.
Yeah.
Don't love the outfits all the time that she does.
Yeah, but if you had to pick one or the other.
But I will go with that.
Because see, Batali to me is not like an OJ.
No, not even a lot of people.
If I saw Batali now, I'd be like, get the, I'd spit in his face.
I, I would actually, I was never really excited to see Batali.
You know, of all the celebrity chefs, even pre assault scandals.
Yeah.
Here's what the Food Network did to me.
I know they created the celebrity chef, but like they also just, to me, gassed these chefs up so much.
Their egos are like insane.
Yeah.
It's completely insane.
I get, I get the top guy.
Like, look, Guy Fiery's fan.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
He fucking rules.
I like him a lot.
It's Tournament of Champions, great show.
He's wearing bling that a rapper couldn't pull off.
Guy Fear is the only guy who basically said, let me make a show out of like going to these places.
And why had no one done that?
Yeah.
Let's go to these places that like people talk about and they're really good food, but also they have health code violations.
Yeah, of course.
They have health code violations.
I still think they should be.
Yeah, there's hair in it.
Who cares?
Well, have you been to one in your hometown that's like, it was on diners, driving, and dives?
It's like, it's not good.
Like, half of them are horrible.
Half of them are pretending.
Like, they're like, they're like, I went to the diner by me, which is like, you know, you're getting some toothless lady.
And you're still in Queens.
No, no, I'm talking about in Baltimore where I was growing up.
Yeah.
The diner by me, it's, you know, it's fine.
Right.
It's like the friser in the freezer.
Everything is frozen.
Like, it's just, you go there.
It's, you go there.
It's, it's 2 a.m.
Yeah.
Some toothless lady who's trying to get her kids back is going to fuck up half of your order.
Right.
Right.
And then there's a picture on the wall of Guy Fiery.
Guy Fieri, and they have like their seafood tower.
You know what I mean?
It's like you, you brought in, you bought a seafood tower from a different restaurant and served it to Guy when he was young.
They'll literally be like, our lump crab cakes.
It's like, you don't have lump crab cakes here.
You get pancakes and fucking sausage here.
A lot of it's fake.
It's all fake.
And one of them was sad.
I walked to one of them.
I was on the road.
I literally don't remember where it was.
I walked in one of them and the proprietor had died and it was literally just a picture of him and Guy Fieri and then he was like bald with cancer and they're like R.I.P. Rick.
I'm like, okay, this is a little rough.
That's a tough wall.
It's a tough wall.
I don't want to see this while I'm eating chicken catchatory.
Yeah, but I mean, the food network to me, like, I remember the heyday of it was when me and my grandparents would watch Emeril Show and he was like Emerald Live and he'd be like, bam.
Bam, of course.
Bam.
And, you know, everybody was so excited to be on Emerald Live.
Offensive Southern Wedding00:07:13
And he was the forerunner.
He was the forerunner.
He was the big, you know, to me, I still think Emerald Lagasse, you know, if we're looking at celebrity chefs, he's up there in the top.
Yeah, he's Jordan.
He's Jordan and Guy is LeBron.
Yeah.
It's a generational thing.
That's right.
And then Guy Fieri, I don't know if he, was he a chef?
Probably.
Yeah, he had it, dude.
I hated Bobby Flay.
I still hate Bobby Flay.
I love watching beat Bobby Flay to root against him.
I hate the premise of that show where he's like, let's go find something that's being cooked the same way for 40 years and let me see if I can beat it because I'm a cunt.
It's like, he also is a pussy getter, though.
You know, that's another reason he does fuck a lot.
To hate Bobby Flay.
And didn't he marry that rich chick?
Didn't he marry a rich chick?
I don't know.
He might have.
Well, I'm not a Bobby Flay head.
I like Emeril.
I could fuck with Lydia Bastianic from Philidia, New York.
Sure, sure.
I mean, that bitch could carve a fucking chicken with a knife.
Like, I loved Lydia.
Of course.
Del Posto, Filidia.
She's a gangster.
Lydia Bastianic, Ina Gardner, barefoot contestant.
Barefoot contestant.
Gangster.
Frank Liotti, the best bit about that.
Brilliant.
Yeah.
I'm a big chopped head personally.
Yeah, people like Chop.
Tom Calico is okay.
Top chef.
I don't know.
Fine.
He was good.
He was good.
Now, Paula Dean was the one that fell from Grace because she was exactly what you thought she would be.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's very, if she didn't say the N-word, that would be more surprising.
And she was just abusing her staff and making them dress up as slaves.
I think so.
Get up what Paula Dean got canceled.
She said the N-word as well, which can't do that.
You can't, but look at it.
But it's Paula Dean.
It's a down-home.
You want somebody whose whole thing is about authentic southern cuisine?
Nothing's more.
You're dropping a couple N's in the kitchen.
Nothing's more authentic than Paula Dean.
But I think I think she got canceled for making the...
Yeah.
Paula Dean used the N-word.
Wanted.
Let's get the headlight up.
Thanks, gentlemen.
Paula Dean used the N-word.
Wanted slaves to serve a wedding.
I mean, that's out of control.
I mean, okay, wanting the slaves.
A true southern plantation-style wedding would include waiters dressed as slaves, Dean says in a deposition.
That's awesome.
Her argument was, again, Veris Militude.
She was like, we're doing it real.
We're doing it right.
imagine by the way like being that much of a racist that you're being deposed like you're in deposition and you have to argue that point you're like yeah it was a southern style i don't like it i don't like it when when they made when they made schindler's list yeah the guards had to be racist towards the jews yeah i'm i'm making i'm making a realistic dinner here authentic southern style wedding Of course I'm going to have slaves.
Why would I not hire black people and make them dress up as slaves?
And by the way, the Jackson subsequently asked Dean what type of uniform she preferred.
She servers, the servers to wear.
Well, what I would really like is a bunch of little N-words to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts, and black bow ties.
You know, in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around.
Oh, my.
Shirley Temple.
Paula laughed and said, now that would be a true Southern wedding, wouldn't it?
Because, but we can't do that because the media would be talking about that.
Cancel culture is going too far.
She's like, the goddamn woke media won't let me get a bunch of little n-words, tap dance.
It's like, God, Jesus Christ.
We've gone too far.
I also love the idea that Paula.
She's like, it has to be an authentic Southern wedding.
You know, like in a Shirley Temple movie.
Yeah.
Exactly.
That's crazy.
Literally, just, she's conflating a bunch of different kinds of racism.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She just, she's covering the racist.
It's racist fusion.
It's an authentic, but she really just wants Al Jolson, like Blackface.
You know what I mean?
She's like, it's an authentic Southern wedding.
But, you know, we have a Jew and Blackface singing jazz standards.
It's fucking crazy, man.
It's crazy, but that's, I think, part of the problem when you steep yourself so much in your culture that you can't get out.
Like, I think that sometimes you need to just take a breath.
Ask one black person how they feel about that.
Yeah, like ask one person.
Just one.
Just run it by them like super casually.
Go, let me ask you a question.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
We're doing a southern style wedding.
Would this be, I mean, let me just add, can you sit down?
Let me ask you a question.
Sit down for this.
If I said to you, we're doing a southern style wedding and I want some, you know, black people, they're going to be servers at the wedding, and I wanted them to kind of, you know, dress as slaves and tap dance, would that be offensive?
What do you think?
Is there any part of that?
That's the best sign.
Yeah.
So is there any part of that that would offend you?
Oh, the whole thing?
Oh, all of it.
All of it.
I also don't understand why anyone would get married on a plantation.
That's wild to me, too.
Yeah.
If you believe in like, that's a bad, there's some bad energy.
If you believe in energy at all, it's like a lot of not chill stuff has happened right there.
It's kind of like just saying, like, we're very excited.
We're getting married on an Indian burial ground.
Right.
We're going to.
So excited.
We're going to Auschwitz to have our nuptials.
There's a Navajo burial ground, and we've decided that me and my wife are going to go down there, and it is going to be amazing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, but it's, well, people will do that.
You know, I've talked about it.
I've made this joke.
It's probably real by now.
And I know there's old hotels, but people will start doing like weddings in prisons.
A bunch of white pictures sitting in the electric chair with champagne.
I mean, 100%.
Like, we'll probably outlaw capital punishment, although maybe not, but like eventually we might.
And then, you know, like these things are going to be tourist attractions and somebody's going to be like, let's get married in the fucking death chamber.
Right, right, right.
I guess, yeah, you're even saying it, and it's like Alcatraz.
I would love that.
Imagine we rent out Alcatraz, a great party for the whole fucking place.
I think they're going to close Rikers.
Yeah, they say so.
I think Rikers might get closed because Rikers is a nightmare.
Yeah.
They just have people there like on parking tickets.
Yeah.
They just don't get access to plumbing.
I don't understand.
Like, the way this criminal justice system works to me is so crazy.
And I'm not a guy that says, let everybody out if they've done bad things, but like the amount of people that are in for like, I smoked a joint.
Especially now.
I smoked a blunt.
I couldn't pay my fee for hopping the turnstile of a train.
And now I'm in this prison for eight cops there to check on that.
Right.
It's like who gives a fuck about subway turnstile?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think you can let stuff like that get completely out of control, but I also don't think you should be putting people in jail for years or people can't like.
Well, those cops don't do shit.
They play Candy Crush.
And every once in a while, a teenager comes along and they're like, all right, let's fuck up his record for hopping the turnstile.
Crazy Criminal Justice System00:02:13
Well, it should be a misdemeanor, right?
It should be something quick where you can kind of get out.
But then there's certain things where it's like, you know, if you throw someone in front of a train, that should have been.
Yeah, no, it's got to be.
Of course.
It's going to be a little.
Yeah.
You know, but yeah, it's funny, man.
It's funny to watch.
I don't even know what is on the, can we bring up the food network schedule now?
I'm just curious as to like what would still be on this.
They got, I'll tell you right now, they got a lot of beat Bobby Flay.
They got a lot of tournament of champions.
There's nothing better than the food network on a summer day when you should be outside.
You know what I mean?
Like there's nothing that feels particularly worse than watching like the food network on a summer day.
Well, it's my favorite like road thing to watch.
Oh, you got diners.
You got Triple D going.
Alex vs. America.
Yeah, they're really trying.
I like Alex.
What is Alex vs. America?
I like Alex Gurnashelli.
She's a really good cook, but they're putting in a lot of stuff.
But she's one of my favorite chopped judges.
They always did this thing where they wanted like a lot of Triple D's.
They always wanted comedians on the food network, and then they met us, and then they were like, oh, we don't want that at all.
We actually don't want that at all.
That's a huge mistake.
Right, right, right.
That's a massive mistake.
We don't want that at all.
And we're sorry we even suggested that.
Star versus Halkius, where can people find you and see you and be a part of your life?
Yes.
I got podcast Stavi's World.
Come check it out.
Come do it sometime, Timmy.
But I have a new crowd work half hour.
Yes.
Just a little put together.
I put it together, a little bonus special, free on YouTube right now.
Stavi Baby on Twitter, Stavi Baby2 on Instagram.
I'm on tour, the Fat Rascal tour.
Still a couple tickets left to the special taping in Austin.
And then in the fall, I'm just, I'm all over the place playing a couple theaters.
Oh, you doing Paramount?
Awesome special.
Fuck yeah.
Awesome.
I'm really excited for that.
You will enjoy that.
TimDylanComedy.com.
We're on the road until mid-June if you are interested.
If you're not, who cares?
Fuck off if you're not.
If you're not, it's okay.
Yeah.
It is what it is.
But TimDylanComedy.com to get tickets to those shows.