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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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The New Joe Rogan Experience00:01:25
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
We are here with comedian Chris Estefano from New York City.
Thank you for coming.
We appreciate it.
You've never done the show.
Have you?
You did a Patriot.
I've never, I'll tell you what, I've never done it in this studio.
Are you nervous about LA?
No, just being on the show.
Here's the deal.
We're the new Rogan.
I don't want to start a fight with him, but I literally will.
Yeah.
We are the new Joe Rogan experience.
What happens in that chair can destroy your life or it can save it.
Yeah.
The only difference between this studio and Joe Rogan's studio is Joe Rogan has beef jerky made out of Native Americans in the waiting room.
Yes, he does.
He does it like barrels of whiskey.
Yeah.
And arm security.
And Navy SEALs that are arm security.
But I'll tell you right now, Ben's got great hand eye.
He does.
So if you start a problem, he's a real lanky guy, but he's got good hand eye and he can get down on the ground with you.
He's a grappler.
Ben, is Ben a grappler?
I don't know.
Probably not.
He's one of those guys I wouldn't fuck with Ben at all.
Well, because he has that wasp cold Texas thing.
So he can just walk away.
He doesn't know what emotions are.
So he doesn't feel, which is what's so good.
And that's why he does good at the job.
If you did Ben's face on that face app, face swap thing, he would seamlessly fit into most mass shooters' profiles.
Trying to Get Banned00:05:29
100%.
Just facially.
100%.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's got that face.
The only reason Ben doesn't shoot up at school is because he doesn't like traffic.
Right.
Like he comes, you know what I mean?
Like he'll be like, oh, my God, it's fucking 9 o'clock.
There's still traffic.
But I'll tell you what, with all the oversaturation that's going on in comedy and entertainment in general, the last stand of going viral might be a mass shooting.
Well, what a great way to get banned from every platform at once.
See, this is guerrilla warfare now.
They come on.
The podcasters come on.
They try to get you banned immediately.
That's what we should all do.
We should all just go on each other's shows and try to get banned.
Like try to get their show banned.
Like I should just go on Taste Buds with Sal and DeRosa.
Yeah.
Great show.
And what I should do is when they're arguing about peanut butter and jelly, I should go, do you think black people have different skull shapes than white people?
Until they're taken off YouTube.
That's the only way we can win now is get each other kicked off.
Honestly, it's like I would like to go back.
I was telling Ben before you got here, like go back to like Opie and Anthony vibes.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
Do things like that.
Yes.
Because I think that's what real comedy is.
Yeah.
We got to try to get, got to try to get each other banned.
Got to try to get everybody banned.
And, you know, we'll see what happens.
For me, I feel, I feel safe that no matter what happens to me, because I'm surrounded by transgender and Puerto Ricans.
You were very smart to build, to put yourself on an island full of brown people who have mutilated their bodies.
Yep.
That is such a benefit for you.
What's been beautiful about my life the last month is my father, who we call Tampa Tony, is up from Florida.
He's been staying with me for a month.
And it was the first time he's ever been around TT Jerry, who's a transgender Puerto Rican person.
Nanny.
Nanny.
She's my, so TT Jerry is my kid's mom's godfather.
Yes.
Did prison time for 20 years, transitioned in prison, and is now my youngest daughter's godmother.
Right.
Same person.
So it was very fun to see, to tell my Irish Catholic conservative.
Bringing her up right now, TT Jerry.
Yeah, she looks like John Cicada with AIDS.
Yeah.
And she does have AIDS, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Hey, whatever it is, it is.
Right.
And it's in remission.
And sometimes it flares up.
I'll tell you what, she doesn't have COVID.
Right.
So what's been interesting, what's been nice is watching my father, because you watch the news long enough, you get brainwashed a little bit to think that A transgender Latino inmate wouldn't get along with a conservative fat guy from the Bronx who now lives in Florida.
And you couldn't be more wrong about the reality of the situation, which is that they are best friends.
The other night, they're watching Fox News, right?
My father has Fox News on all day, every day.
It's what it is.
It's what you expect for a 75-year-old guy from Florida.
So Tucker Carlson is on at night, and TT Jerry's watching, doesn't know anything about the news, doesn't watch it at all.
She, you know, she watches Wendy Williams and stuff to get the news.
And she, Tucker Carlson is on, and out of nowhere, TT says to my father, she goes, you know, for a white guy, Tucker Carlson looks like he probably got a big dip.
And my father was like, you know, I never thought about that, Jerry.
And they had like this moment where it was like they then started talking about, you know, both watching Fox News because TT was, you know, thought thinks Tucker Carlson is legitimately hot and hasn't stopped talking about how she wants to suck Tucker Carlson's dick.
And my father loves his politics, but they came together and they dropped my kids off at school at summer camp every day.
So I think the people at the summer camp are like, what is this old man with diabetes and fake knees walking around with this transgender Puerto Rican woman saying she wants to suck Tucker Carlson's cock for dropping off these two little girls?
Right.
And it's what my life is.
And it is the new sitcom.
Yeah.
It is a new sitcom that no one will make, sadly.
Yes.
Well, no one's going to make, well, we don't know.
And you're going to put it on your YouTube.
Yes.
That's what I'll do.
You should.
It's a new modern family.
It's a new, it's kind of like the new everybody loves Raymond, but with a transgender.
You are getting to something that I think is legitimate, and that is that people, when you go online, everybody hates everybody.
When you actually put people in a room together, it's actually not the case.
No, yeah.
No, no, I don't.
Well, we see it at comedy shows.
No, but everybody's fine.
Everything is fine.
Everybody's fine.
I know there's issues.
There's issues.
There's issues, but that's why I've moved to Staten Island because now I'm on an island of, you want to complain about an issue.
Yeah.
It better be the right issue.
That's right.
Because if you're complaining about another type of issue, you're going to be asked to leave that island.
You know, what I think, what I've learned is that when people are really concerned with politics, a lot of the time it masks the fact that they themselves are bored.
Sure.
It's boredom.
It's real boredom.
And to which I present to them many, many options, including drugs.
Yeah.
It is, I was a drug addict for many, many years.
It is a better life.
It is more interesting.
You are more focused.
I mean, taking a nice drive to go get OxyContin in Suffolk County, Long Island, you know, to me is a better way use of your time than arguing over Facebook about healthcare.
Yeah.
And not enough people are out there.
Not enough people are talking about actually saving white people.
We have to save the whites.
Kids Are Over-Parented00:15:15
I was just in Providence, Rhode Island.
And they're all dying.
All these white people are dying of heroin overdoses.
They have blue lips and they're sunken in eyes and they follow you around in a drugstore and it's uncomfortable.
I was in a Dunkin' Donuts in Providence.
I was just there last weekend.
I was in a Dunkin' Donuts in Providence.
I mean, full meth crackheads.
I bought a donut, a powdered sugar donut.
I blew, I went in the parking lot because just in case there was a little fentanyl residue on it.
I was like, I'm not sure.
No, it's so bad right now.
And Louis C.K. can't put everyone in a movie.
And also not everyone can get Louis on the podcast.
Right.
So that's the whole, well, he's doing all of them.
That's what I'm saying.
He's doing everybody.
He's going to do ours in August.
It's amazing.
Well, we're not talking about the movie.
We got a big show here.
We can't just spend an hour talking about it.
We can't spend an hour talking about it.
We'll tell people to go see it.
But there's other questions we must ask.
Ask.
Now, I wanted to do this because it's very interesting.
They just, you know, you do some acting, not a ton.
Not a ton.
I am doing a Volkswagen commercial tomorrow because Germany's fighting back.
Yes.
And now they've hired you, which I love.
I love that Volkswagen goes, you know what?
Yeah.
Forget about diversity, inclusion.
Let's go with the most German-looking head we can find.
What is a commercial?
Do you know yet?
It's literally just going out there.
I'm trying to now sell the Volkswagen Atlas.
Which is a truck.
Which is a truck, which is a beautiful truck, which actually is good for me with the family I have.
You know what you should have negotiated?
They should have given you a Volkswagen Atlas.
Well, so we're still, but that, see, the thing, times are tough right now.
That's the thing is I literally was like, why did I have to take an Uber to the, you know, from the airport?
Why was I not picked up in a Volkswagen or give me a Volkswagen?
Right.
And you're like, we genuinely don't have the money to give you a Volkswagen.
We just pay to do the commercial and that's it.
So you go in there and do you know what the script is yet?
Do you know what you have to do?
It's kind of something.
It's about like the rules of the road kind of thing, like Volkswagen's rules.
I like a company implicated in one of the greatest.
Did Volkswagen get involved?
I know Mercedes was, but was Volkswagen involved?
I believe Volkswagen was.
But I like that they're still focused on order.
Yeah.
There's something nice about a car.
So the rules of the road.
So what happened was, too, the way I even got this gig is the head.
This will come out weeks after you're paid, by the way.
So you're good.
The only reason I'm talking so fluidly is because the money's already in the bank account.
Oh, great.
And you won't get it back.
That's great.
So no matter what, I'll move to another country.
So I'll move to Germany where I'm free.
So I'll, they said that the head of Volkswagen or whoever, the digital ad people, whatever, were looking for a German comic and they couldn't find a German comic.
So my name got pitched.
Like his last name's DeStefano.
But then the head of Volkswagen took a look at me.
He was like, there's no way that guy's not fully German.
Interesting.
And so that's, so I like a company too that although they're about inclusiveness, they include everybody and all this and that.
And they just are like, who's the people that are going to buy the car?
Let's get a guy who looks like the people who buy the car.
I've never liked that.
And this is anecdotal.
I've never seen a non-white person in a Volkswagen.
No.
Ever in my life.
No, which is fine.
It's fine.
It's called the demographic.
It's fine.
I'm not going to be the spokesperson for Lincoln Navigators.
Right.
You know?
Right.
It's a great point.
So, and that's fine.
Right.
That's fine.
I don't know why there's such an issue about these things.
Like, for example, sometimes you just have to be strong with people.
So last week, I wasn't home.
They had to fix the air conditioner units in my house.
And one of the guys went up there, Guatemalan guy went up there and fell through my attic ceiling, right?
Fell on the floor, whole thing, blah, So then all of a sudden the foreman calls me.
He goes, yeah, my guy's, his neck hurts now.
All of a sudden, his neck is hurting, trying to look for some cash.
So TT Jerry, being a career criminal, goes up to that room and says, oh, you know, your net cards.
And the guy says, see, see.
And he goes, he goes, well, do you have your papers?
I just want to know if you have your papers.
And then, and then, so, and then the guy was like, no, paper, no paper.
And he goes, yeah.
He goes, so then go back up on the ladder and fix the ceiling.
Fuck yeah.
So you would think that TT.
And I wasn't there.
This was all told secondhand to me.
Of course.
But I believe that it happened that way.
And that ceiling was fixed and everything was fine.
And then there was a crew of people that came into the house after that to do some patch up some of the other air conditioner stuff.
And then a ring went missing.
Somebody stole a ring.
So they were going to come.
It was a big thing.
And TT Jerry just flat out said, if I don't get that ring back, because it was all the same proof.
I don't get that ring back.
I'm going to go to immigration and I'm going to make sure this guy gets deported.
And then guess what?
About an hour later, the ring was left on a paint can outside the house.
So sometimes you have.
This is the pilot of the sitcom.
I want you to go in.
You're in LA right now.
I want you to go in and I want you to pitch this Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO Max.
I want you to go.
And so this is the resolution of the pilot.
My Puerto Rican transgender, somewhat Republican uncle aunt goes and threatens to inform on the paperless undocumented worker and gets the ring back.
End of episode one.
Who's in?
Yeah, well, how about, and it was, it was, it was fireworks.
But this is the way real life is.
Start making real life.
Stop making Fire Island.
You got to make, which, by the way, it's a movie, and God bless everyone.
But the movie is about gay guys who go to an island to fuck for a week and somehow have a bad time.
Yeah.
Somehow it's bad.
No.
They're going to an island to take Molly and fuck this new thing on Hulu.
But somehow everyone's so racist, they can't have fun.
The Molly and the hormones don't overcome the racism.
Nobody in the world.
Nobody in the world has more fun than gay men and black women.
Yes.
These are the two groups far and away because they're most fun when they go.
They've been through shit and they realize that you have to have fun.
Yes.
Right.
So to me, it's just funny the idea of making a film about going to a fuck paradise, which is what Fire Island is.
Right.
And why are you looking up Firefest?
He's so dumb.
He's so dumb.
He's looking up Firefest right now.
We're talking about a movie called Fire Island.
He's looking up Firefest.
Do you realize what I deal with?
Do you understand how hard it is for me and how impressive it is I've gotten anywhere with this dead weight?
I carry just dead weight.
Right.
But the movie.
My father watched it.
He thought it was not so rich Asians.
Yeah.
That's what he thought it was.
He was like, damn, he was telling my son.
Did you see this with your friends?
They're not that rich at all.
He goes, I thought they were crazy rich.
He goes, they're on a ferry.
Yeah.
But it's just funny to me.
There's no more, and nobody wants to have fun anymore.
No.
No films are about having fun.
Everything's about educating people, teaching them lessons.
It's like you're going to an island where everyone's going to fuck and they go, well, maybe some of them are racist.
Who cares?
Suck each other off.
Yeah.
What?
No.
That's bothering you?
Yeah.
It's literally my child, who's a seven-year-old.
We watched Look Who's Talking.
You ever seen the movie, Look Who's Talking?
Of course.
In the first five minutes of Look Who's Talking in 1989 with John Travolta Kirstie Alley, first five minutes, somebody blows up.
They blow a load into the uterus, and then they got the embryo falling down, and the sperm just gets in the egg, and right away it's come, it's jizz.
And then the first five minutes, they have babies talk, you know, the little babies in the, you know, right who are born.
And they have an Indian baby, and they just give the baby who's, you know, talking in a voiceover, an Indian exit.
They're like, I want to be incarnated.
My daughter's on the floor laughing her ass off.
It's hilarious.
I'm like, but meanwhile, then they went woke on one of the last Pixars and my kid fucking hated it.
Right.
It's like, just say what's funny, please.
Right.
The kids don't give a shit.
Right.
You know?
Just be goofy and silly.
Just be goofy and silly.
It's not that big of a deal.
The last Pixar was woke.
Is this where Buzz Lightyear?
Yes, that's the one.
Yes.
No, no, no.
Is it where he gets his salad tossed?
No, that there's one where Buzz Lightyear gets his salad tossed.
Buzz Lightyear gets his ass eat?
Buzz Lightyear looks like me.
Get up, Buzz Lightyear from the new picnic.
He literally looks like me to a point where my conspiracy is that they literally, I mean, look how much.
I mean, that's insane.
There it is.
That's insane.
There's Buzz Lightyear with a chin full of cups.
And I think he's, is he gay?
In the movie, Buzz Lightyear is gay.
He's gay.
He's gay in the movie.
We haven't seen that one yet.
There was another one, though, where they had some woke messaging, which it's whatever.
I don't know.
But yeah, I mean, listen, I don't care.
Whatever.
I don't give a shit about my kids seeing gay trends.
Whatever you want to do, just make it funny, make it fun.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Because the bottom line is the way I view it: my children are going to get the education in school and then they're going to get the education at home.
So whatever you put out there, it's my job as the kids' parents.
My whole thing has always been leave kids alone.
Let them discover who they are and what they value in life.
I think kids are over-parented.
Oh, my God.
And I think that, you know, teachers in school, their job is to give kids the fundamental basics.
Reading, writing, arithmetic.
That's right.
I don't want you to talk to them about anything else.
I don't think they should.
Because the reality of the situation is teachers, you know, and I mean, again, I'm going to get some flack for this, but it hasn't been going well with just the reading and the math and the science.
Not in this country.
Right.
So let's focus on that and not so much trying to build these kids in every area of their lives.
I'm very big.
Listen, I was left alone a lot.
And sure, you could say, oh, you're doing COC-13 and blah, blah, blah.
Sure.
But I have a Bentley now.
So here's the point.
There you go.
The reality is, and people go, oh, that doesn't matter.
Yes, it does.
It absolutely does.
And it's 2018.
It's certified pre-owned.
There are problems.
And I, you know what I mean?
And I understand that because, but the reality is I was left alone to figure it out.
Nobody came to me and said, you can be a girl.
You know what I mean?
Nobody came to me and said, you can suck a dick.
You find out that you can suck a dick through trial and error.
Yeah.
You find out.
And it's not something that has to be like, nobody has to sit you down and explain to you who you want to fuck.
Right.
You know.
Yeah, that's what you're saying.
You got to figure it out.
I know.
I think, I think we get so worried about the youth in this country.
And like you said, we all figure it out.
The thing I think, like the school my daughter goes to now, which I like, again, being on Staten Island, they don't lean into any of this stuff.
My daughter, in a couple of months ago, you know, school.
So they have field trips to Capitol Riot.
Oh, 100% different.
Yeah.
She came home with a coloring work sheet a couple of months ago with, you know, they're teaching them about men and women and life and careers.
She came home with a coloring work sheet about, it was coloring, you know, different people and what their jobs were.
The woman had a broom and was cleaning a stovetop and the man had a hammer to a wall.
That's what it was.
That's the cue.
Yep.
That's what it is.
Now, it's confusing for my daughter because she's like, TT Jerry, which one is that?
And I'm like, that's second phrase.
Prison behind the bars.
Yeah, that's the one behind the dumpster sucking cock for crack.
There's a new show on Netflix called Heartstopper.
They have an open call.
And this is a very big show.
It's an LGBTQI2, whatever show.
And I'm sure it's lovely.
I have no beef with the show.
Of course, one of the people in it, they ask him if he's gay.
He's not gay.
And he has to go, well, I don't want to tell you because now everyone will go nuts if they find out he's straight.
The kid in the orange Kit Connor is probably most likely straight.
Maybe, maybe there's a little, but I mean, the reality is, but they have an open call.
There's an open call for a cast member who is a 16-year-old.
And again, one thing that I think about people like me and you is that we haven't been given a shot to act in the way that many people in our industry have.
And so it says Heartstopper announces casting call for exciting new role for season two with LGBTQ plus actors encouraged to apply.
Sorry, Chris, that means me.
Yeah.
And here's the role, okay?
The role right here, because I think it is actually perfect for me, is going to be, can you go up, Ben?
Thanks, Ben.
It's please go up more.
I mean, here's what's amazing.
Here's what these podcast producers don't realize.
They've all won a lottery.
Right.
So let's be very honest.
They've all really won a lottery.
They've won a lottery.
I don't care what they tell the other people in their lives.
They've all gone to the casino and just they've won a lottery.
And that's the real, and that's why everyone online hates them.
Right.
Like, well, the comments like Ben should die because everybody else wants to be in the lot.
They want to win the lottery.
They're like, I can do that.
They go, can I scroll up?
I can scroll up.
I don't know if they could.
See, the thing is.
Maybe some of them couldn't.
Some of them probably couldn't.
Some of them couldn't.
And also some of them.
Some of them.
The thing, what I think was the X factor with Ben is you have trust.
Because he's not that good at this, but he's decent.
I trust him a lot.
Because here's what will happen.
But he's not quick.
Like Jamie Vernon's very quick.
Right.
But he's not really quick.
Some of these other people.
But he doesn't look like Homeless Pimp either, which is good.
Which is a bit.
Because Homeless Pimp, you have to leave outside of a hotel lobby.
Yeah, well, not anymore.
Oh, he's getting better.
He's losing weight.
He looks good now.
Oh, he's getting.
Yeah, let's relax with good, but it's on the way.
It's in a positive direction.
Positive way.
But yes, see, Ben is trustworthy because some of these other podcast producers, they'd unlock that back door.
Yes.
They'd unlock that back door.
No, no, no, no, for sure.
Yep, that's what it is.
For sure.
Heartstopper season two open call.
Now, I love this because I feel like I could actually breathe life into this role.
Casting for the role of Sahar Zahid.
There you go.
Sahar Zahid.
Actor must be a minimum age of 16, playing age 16.
Ben, I don't want to put you under too much pressure.
Could you find like sides or with and that's the industry terminology for some type of script?
Or what?
Because I'm literally on the show.
We are going to film an audition for Zahar Hadid, a 16-year-old in the Netflix show Heartstopper.
And look, see, look, I kind of look like Zahar Hadid.
You don't.
Go, go.
I want now.
You focus in on Zahar Hadid.
There you go.
Not too far off.
That's actually kind of perfect.
You get a pair of Ben's golf pants.
Yes.
An old sweater, a wig, one of the, you know, so what, get, get Maurice's wig?
By the way, I love that this is an open call.
This would be like several years ago, this would be the photo in a health book of a person that needed to really like work out.
Yeah, this would be a before picture.
It'd be a before picture.
They go, for example, as you can see, Molly has been eating too much.
She needs to stop eating.
Proving South Asian Bona Fides00:08:31
But so now, Ben, what do they want here from Zahar Zaheed?
We're looking for a plus-size actor of British South Asian heritage who identifies as female or non-binary.
Now, by the way, let's all just, for fun, imagine that coming across the desk of an executive like Lionsgate in 1992.
1992, it comes across Miramax.
It's Harvey Weinstein's desk.
And they go, We want a plus-size actor of British South Asian heritage who identifies as female or non-binary.
And Harvey Weinstein goes, The hell we do.
Yeah.
So, okay, by the way, professional experience is not essential.
Let's talk for a minute about the direction that this shitty business we've gone in has chosen because this is actually kind of stunning.
Yes.
It's kind of stunning.
This is a hit show on Netflix.
It's one of their biggest shows.
They go, We are looking for a fatty Bombatti from British, from the, who's British South Asian heritage, who identifies as female or non-binary.
Professional experience is not essential, meaning you don't have to be an actor or an actress to be on our hit show.
To be on our hit show.
You just have to be non-binary or a fatty Bombatty.
That's all you got to do.
And I, I mean, start Sahara is in year 11 at Higgs.
No nonsense, independent, a little cynical at times.
That would be a lot of people.
Well, sure, I'd be cynical too because I'm not an actor or actress.
Yeah.
And yet I'm on this show.
Yeah.
Now, listen, I'm not, I'm going to say something here that's going to get me in trouble.
But the person who answers this call, if they're not an actor or actress, should be raped because the reality is, what are you there for?
Like, I would be like, you're going to molest my kid.
If I was the parent, they go, they don't have to be an actor or actress.
Just send them on in.
If you feel you're right for this role, we would love to hear from you via email only.
Please send a recent photo, a little bit about yourself, and contact details.
Ben get a photo of me recently.
No, we're sending this right now.
We're sending this right now.
I've had enough.
Let's make an email.
I'm sick of being limited.
Yeah.
And it said that Daniel Edwards casting is committed to.
Yes.
What are they committed to?
Thank God.
Wait, hold on.
Yeah.
Read this, Chris.
Please.
Daniel Edwards casting is committed to equal opportunities for all performers, regardless of gender, race, disability, religion, or sexual orientation.
Except on the first page, they said you have to be a fat Indian from fucking Britain.
Right.
So that's what.
So what are you talking about, Daniel Edwards Casting?
Yeah, Daniel Edwards is a big fat liar.
Liar.
But here's the deal.
I love Gulab Jaman, which is an Indian little donut that spits, it spits like syrup.
Okay.
Because have you ever read Gulab Jaman?
I thought that was the new DA of New York.
Yeah.
It is.
But so my point is that who's to say what is and isn't?
Right.
You know, I identify as non-binary because some days I feel like a little bit of a bitch.
Sure.
And some days I feel like a dude.
So I am non-binary.
I'm coming out now.
I'm kind of coming out.
And I've said this before.
Being gay isn't enough.
So I'm non-binary now, which means gay plus film.
I'm in movies.
That's what I want to do.
What does actually non-binary mean?
You're genderless?
You're not a man or a woman.
You're in the mix.
You're on the spectrum, which used to just be called a human being who has different gender feelings all the time, like we all do.
Sometimes you feel more masculine.
Sometimes you feel more feminine.
This also doesn't make any sense because the people that usually say it also go, gender is not real at all.
Sure.
So what is this binary of this thing that doesn't exist?
I don't know.
Well, it gets tough because I had a very, very person, you know, non-binary, one of my kids' mom's family members, very woke, right?
All that, you know, talking.
I had a big pool party a couple of weeks ago.
Yes.
Right on the heels of the Roe v. Wade stuff.
I know that shit's controversial, but what I will say, it's in the pool.
We had TT Cherry, who's transgender, you know, on a rubber ducky flow saying, screaming that life begins at conception.
And then this person said, the woke said, said, you can't say anything about it.
You can't say anything about it.
You're a man.
And she goes, no, no, no, no.
TT said, I'm a woman.
I identify as a woman.
So you said because I'm a woman, I can speak on these things.
And you know what Kurt Metzger calls that?
An intersectional car crash.
Yes.
That's what Kurt Metzger calls.
That's what it is.
An intersectional car crash.
Here we go.
This is a photo of me.
Okay.
And it's just to open call at Daniel Edwards.
Which right here, let me just say, this comes across my desk.
I'm not immediate.
If you said, you know, if I was Daniel Edwards casting, which is committed to racial equality, I would say this isn't necessarily not a South Asian woman.
Yes.
You have a South Asian glow.
A huge.
You say glow and a hue.
You could be.
This could be.
You know where that's from?
That's from, remember the show at Arlene's Grocery in New York City?
That's a photo.
I believe it might be a Mindy Tucker.
Oh, she's the best Mindy Tucker.
Somebody during the riot, somebody threw a Molotov cocktail through Arlene's grocery.
Really?
I swear to God.
Yeah, down in that area.
But it was a fun little venue.
It was a fun little, it was Rebecca Trent.
Yeah.
So now, here's what I want to craft.
I want to craft an email because now get this thing up, Ben.
What do they want?
Because they've asked for certain things in the email.
Please send a recent photo, a little bit about yourself, and contact details.
Okay, where so listen to this.
Oh, that last part is funny, too.
Let's go back to the last part.
Let's read the whole thing.
Daniel Edwards Cassidy is committed to equal opportunities for all performers, regardless of gender, race, disability, religion, or sexual orientation.
Where gender, height, race, or appearance has been specified.
We can confirm such characteristics are a genuine requirement for the role.
So, where we are saying that you have to be something, it's a genuine requirement for the role.
But we're committed to equal opportunities for all performers, unless, which, by the way, it's hilarious to me because the second part of it, it's like, well, of course, of course.
It's like, why don't if Daniel Edwards casting, just fucking be honest, just say, just put a picture up of Pumba from the line thing and say, this is what the person needs to look like.
Okay, Ben, I want you to tell them about myself.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
First thing I would say: I'm over 18.
I am overweight.
And I'm over not being on your show, LOL.
I am not South Asian.
Ben, spell Asian right.
I mean, Christ Almighty with him.
I am not South Asian, but now keep the period.
Okay.
B-U-T, all caps.
Okay.
But now, I got to kind of prove my bona fides as a South Asian non-binary person right now.
Okay.
Now, what does South Asian non-binary people like?
What do a South Asian non-binary person what would they like?
Yeah, South Asian non-binary based in the UK.
What would I say they would like Fire Island?
They like the movie Fire Island.
Okay.
I am over 18, I'm overweight, and I'm over not being in the show LOL.
I am not South Asian, but I love Gulab Jaman.
There you go.
Is this all caps?
No.
South Asian means Indian, right?
Is that what we're saying?
Yes, and others.
Oh, I would say, but I love Gulab Saman.
Gulab Jaman, G-U-L-A-B, J-A-M-U-N.
I love Gulab Jaman.
I love Gulab Jamin, and I also, and I love Hassan Minaj's Homecoming King.
Yes, I love Hassan Minaj's Homecoming King.
On Netflix.
On Netflix.
Yes.
I also homecoming king on Netflix.
Fat Activism and Communism00:03:22
Yes.
Yep.
Okay.
But I love Gulab Jamin and I love Hassan Minaj's Homecoming King on Netflix.
The skills I bring to the role are being fat.
Next sentence.
I am also very happy to work with a team of people that really value diversity.
There you go.
For this role, I will need to put on brown makeup.
And I will do so tastefully.
There you go.
Because of skin problems, can you type any faster?
Because of skin problems, it must be all natural makeup.
We also need to come up with a plan because we will be accused of doing, quote, brown face.
Yes.
However, however, when people realize that I am, quote, that bitch, 100% that bitch, they will forgive us.
Okay.
Sincerely, Tim Dylan.
Now, go two lines down.
Go, Tim Dylan is a non-binary South Asian woman.
A South Asian male.
Tim Dylan is a non-binary male presenting South Asian woman.
There you go.
Very good.
Nailed it.
Yeah, it's good.
Who is committed to fat activism?
Comma equality.
Comma.
Equity.
Comma.
Inclusivity.
Comma.
Communism.
Comma.
Overthrowing the patriarchy.
Ben hit return.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Indent.
Overthrowing the heteronormative, white, patriarchal, capitalistic, violent, oppressive, eco-terrorists.
Jews.
No, don't put that.
That's a joke.
That's a joke.
I'm kidding about that.
Overthrowing the Patriarchy00:04:05
Yeah.
Okay.
Tim Dylan is a non-binary male presenting South Asian woman who's committed to fat activism, equality, equity, inclusivity, communism, overthrowing the heteronormative, violent, oppressive.
Oil, just say Petro, say the violent oppressive Petro Narco State.
There you go.
There you go.
Send, send, send it.
What's the subject line here?
I put Tim Dylan's submission, but your lucky day.
Now, I wish they had sides for me, but I don't think they care if I'm actually an actor or actress.
You have to be UK-based, which is all hello.
I'm in the UK and I'm fat and brown.
Steve Will Do It is a supporter of the Tim Dylan show, and you should support Steve Will Doit on YouTube at Steve Will Do It YouTube.
He has a lot of fun things that he does.
He does new videos every Tuesday on his YouTube channel.
Steve Will Do It is the breakout star of the Nelk Boys Prank Collective.
See if he can get one of these compilations up where he just drinks.
He really has done an amazing thing here where he drinks quantities of alcohol that should kill him, but they don't.
Like he's here as well.
Yeah, Chug Edition.
Yeah.
He's, you know, this is a he's insane.
And he's, you know, he's like this ultimate frat boy, but he does good things for people.
Like he'll, if he sees like a Mexican family, he puts him in the back of a pickup truck and drives him up the road.
There's things he does that really like, you know.
So he's able to really drink like this.
Like, it's crazy.
Oh, that's wild.
No, the things he does, dude.
I mean, it kills people.
Like, I mean, dude, it's like making me sick watching it.
Logan Paul's looking at him like, what the fuck is he doing?
Oh, my God.
I mean, this is crazy.
Yeah, dude.
It's it's crazy.
It's crazy watching this.
It's like really, I mean, he just got on this.
He became part of this group by doing shit like this.
It's crazy.
So anybody talking about that they can't make money or they don't have a job.
What about this?
Everyone can drink a bottle of vodka like that, or at least try.
No, but I mean, don't do that.
I guess you'll die or you'll become a famous millionaire.
I don't know.
Choice is up to you.
You want to roll that dice?
He's wild with the chugging.
Dude, some of these are downright uncomfortable.
Jesus.
Oh, he's a bottle of proper 12.
Oh, wow.
I mean, it's crazy.
Wow.
It's crazy, man.
I mean, it's, but he's kind of, he's now doing different things in this.
He's not just doing this.
He's doing a lot of other things where he'll find like someone with one leg and like design a special obstacle course for them.
You know, like he's doing different stuff, you know?
But that's crazy to watch that chugging.
What is that?
Like that level of how do you survive?
The only guy I know that's done that is that shoe nice 22 guy on YouTube, and he would have an ambulance nearby, like medics right there.
You're like out of the shot, by the way.
Am I looking at our shot?
Oh, no, that's just cropped wrong.
See, look in this monitor up here on the left.
But I'm out of the shot.
Well, that one's cropped wrong too.
I need to.
So who's in the shoe?
I need a different monitor.
I look at both.
We're perfectly fine, actually.
It's amateur hour every day here, folks.
Every hour is amateur hour.
My father gave me this TV.
It's special to me.
Yeah.
Epstein Orbit Risks00:10:33
Oh, nice.
It's the only thing I gave you.
Steve will do it.
Go visit him on YouTube.
Steve will do it.
He's got over 4.7 million subscribers.
Get him to five.
Get him to 10.
He deserves it.
He's still here.
How about Boris Johnson?
Just step down.
He stepped down.
Well, you know what?
He's a fun guy.
But he had that party during COVID.
Yep.
And people got upset.
He's a little corrupt.
But I don't understand.
If my leader had a party during COVID, that makes me vote for him.
I know.
Not against him.
I know.
You know?
I think what was upsetting to people is it was maybe, you know, it's something you can get him on.
Everybody knows these guys are shady, right?
You can't get them on anything.
So you get them on like this little thing.
I love that, like, all the people.
But he also tried to get a job for a woman he had an affair with.
But again, it's fun.
I mean, what do you, I mean, what are you going to do?
Isn't that feminism?
You got to keep her.
She's got to keep her mouth shut.
Isn't that?
Yeah.
It's like, you know, I liked it.
You know, who maybe these old politicians were probably, the old politicians were probably way worse, but we didn't know anything about it.
I like that.
Yeah.
I like not knowing.
I like the shadiness of it.
There needs to be some type of, you know, like these politicians, I believe, have to have a little fun.
Of course.
You've got to have a little bit of fun.
And it should stop short of putting kids in a barbecue with the Clintons on Epstein's Island.
Yeah.
But you got to have a little fun.
Like he's trying to get a job for a woman that he had an affair with, but she's of age.
It was consensual.
You know what I mean?
What we know about politicians, this doesn't even, this isn't even in the top 10 fucked up things they do.
No, no.
Now, Ghislaine Maxwell is in New York.
She's in jail.
Can she get visitors?
No, I don't think she can get visitors.
Don't you have a lot of friends in the cop thing?
Yeah.
Well, the complaining at that barbecue where TT Jerry was yelling life starts at conception in a rubber ducky float.
With wearing a shirt, I swear to God, wearing a t-shirt that said Newport, not Newport, Rhode Island, Newport cigarettes.
Absolutely beautiful.
It was, that was her merch.
So she, what she, what her, what her gripe with the Maxwell thing and how she was yelling about racism, TT, right?
Because she's saying, why, why does Maxwell get 20 years, but R. Kelly got 30?
She goes, that's racist.
Oh, interesting.
She goes, Kelly should have.
Why does Kelly get more time than Maxwell?
Here's the reality.
Ghislaine Maxwell doesn't even make beautiful music.
That's what I said.
I said it's not.
I think what happened with R. Kelly was that he's black.
Yeah.
That's what happens.
And then, no, but I think he was maybe more indirectly involved, but Maxwell was too.
They can't really prove a lot of what Maxwell did because then it would implicate a lot of other people that are big deal, bold-faced names.
So you think 1,000%, I'm sure you guys talk about this a lot.
You guys, but you think 1,000% bona fide AAA list celebrities on that list.
100% proven, but can't too much money involved.
We will never see that list publicly, ever in our lives.
100%.
And I'm talking about prime ministers, presidents, big people in our government, billionaires.
Absolutely.
They're on it.
100%.
Now, was that presented, you think, to the judge, to the jury?
Look at the people that are just in the orbit.
Bill Gates, Bill Clinton.
Look at the people that are in this orbit, right?
These are high-ranking, like whether, you know, ex-presidents, people that are, you know, incredibly powerful.
Right.
So much money.
Right.
I don't believe we will ever really know the full scope of what was going on.
We can only imagine it.
They have an island in the South Pacific, right?
Right.
So think about it.
You have an island.
You have a plane that is flying people to an island for essentially sex tourism.
That's what it is.
You have one of the largest homes in Manhattan, one of the biggest townhouses, maybe the largest per square foot.
I don't know, but it's one of them.
It's up there.
Okay.
You are backed by the guy who owns Victoria's Secret and the Limited.
This billionaire, Les Wexner, who you're quote, managing his money or whatever you're doing.
You are in business with the woman whose father was a media mogul in the UK, Robert Maxwell, who died very suspiciously on a yacht and was believed to be a Mossad agent.
And there were articles written about him and, you know, very Seymour Hirsch, like very good reporters have written about the extent to which, you know, when Robert Maxwell died, I believe there were like four heads of Israeli intelligence at his funeral, four ex-prime ministers of Israel.
So you have all of these things happening.
You can only imagine the scope of this, how bad it would be, how deep the rabbit hole goes if everyone was exposed.
Because it was probably a U.S. Israel-U.S. operation where politicians were compromised.
They were blackmailed.
They were filmed doing these things with underage people.
They then were forever owned by the interest that blackmailed them.
What would you rather have?
Would you rather be able to see that Epstein's list or get the role as the fat South Asian?
Oh, South Asian, because I kind of know the Epstein list.
That's what it is.
You could throw a dart and get to the Epstein list.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just not that hard.
I mean, you could literally, I could off my dome just start writing names and get to the Epstein.
Now, is Prince Andrew going to prison?
No.
He's not.
It's just not going to happen.
I don't think it's going to go to happen.
I mean, I don't know.
I would have told you that I didn't think Ghislaine Maxwell was going to prison.
But she's in.
And I still think she might get killed.
I think that there needed to be a sacrificial lamb because what needed to happen was Ghislaine Maxwell needed to go down because Epstein needed to die.
Here's what I think happened.
I think they realized that Epstein might have talked.
He might have been too much of a risk.
He needed to go.
Ghislaine Maxwell.
You got to remember, I don't know if Epstein had like a family.
Ghislaine Maxwell has lots of sisters and family.
They're an intelligence family.
The dad was, she might have more of a code of honor, whatever you want to, whatever human trafficking honor can there be.
But the idea that she has that Omerta kind of mafia, I'm going to keep my mouth shut thing, or she may die too.
I don't know.
But it does seem at this juncture that Epstein was judged.
This guy's way too much of a risk.
He may open his mouth.
He might have a psychic episode.
Right.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, because my always question with that is how did it all start to unravel?
Like, why, who let the secret out?
So you think Epstein himself did it.
Well, I think, well, no, Epstein was accused by women of, you know.
But why now?
My point is, like, why, why did it all fall down now?
You know what I mean?
Right.
Well, I think.
Somebody had to do something.
Well, I think you basically had FBI agents that were like, we have a case here.
We have a strong case.
And I think it got to a point where there was a mountain of evidence where there, you know, there could have always been a mountain of evidence.
But I think at a certain point, what had happened was Epstein served time.
He got a sweetheart deal in 2014 for molesting an underage girl.
And then he was basically released back.
And he was still having dinner with people like Chelsea Handler and those people after his conviction, right?
I mean, he was still having dinner and hanging out with very influential people.
How about dinner with Chelsea Handler?
I believe so.
I mean, you can look that up.
You could look that up.
I believe that's true.
That's wild.
No, but I believe that's true.
I believe that's true.
Well, it's like my father always said.
And I believe the dinner was after, and I think it was like people like Katie Kirk.
I'm unsure.
Okay, so Chelsea Handler recalls star-studded weird dinner at Epstein's home.
So when was this, though?
Was this after I did go to dinner at Jeffrey Epstein's house, Handler told Low.
I don't know who Jeffrey Epstein was.
It was like 20, I don't know what it was.
It was a long time ago.
I went with Katie Carrkey okay, so I remember this.
Woody Allen and Soon Yee Prevan were there.
There you go.
Not a great sign.
So the deal is that this didn't stop even after he was convicted.
Okay.
These types of things didn't really stop.
They might have slowed down or calmed down, but there were more, there were people working on that case.
And there was more, they had victims, people willing to come forward.
A lot of times it's victims that come forward, but they don't have the corroboration.
Sex trafficking has exploded.
Now there's signs in hotels that say if you're a victim of sex trafficking.
You're on the train.
On the train.
You look at kids with their parents and you go, are they being trafficked?
It's like, no, but they're their parents.
This is a real thing now.
This is a prevalent, prevalent thing.
It's always been a big thing.
I think now with the internet, it's much harder to get away with things.
If there was no internet, Jeffrey Epstein is not probably going to jail.
But I wonder if the victims couldn't find each other.
It just makes me think sometimes with the internet getting so big and you can't really, every secret can be exposed.
Somebody's going to press a button, going to want to start this thing over again.
You know what I mean?
Like society gets wiped out somehow because of all this.
You got to have secrets.
I think the reality was you basically have a group of people that have controlled the planet for centuries, literally not knowing what to do with this.
And you can see with a lot of the censorship, they're trying to really like clamp down on what you can say.
And they're branding a lot of things, quote-unquote, conspiracy theories.
Right.
Because, you know, Epstein would have been called a conspiracy theory, but there was too much evidence and there was too much out already.
But by the way, they would have classified that as a conspiracy theory if they could have.
So that is why it's important to be free online and stuff like that.
This has been going on forever.
They've been trafficking children forever.
The founding fathers could have been sex traffickers.
We have no idea.
Thomas Jefferson.
George Washington.
They were slave owners.
So what's worse?
That's a great point.
You tell me what's worse.
That's right.
What do you want, honey?
Let me ask you something, sweetie.
Would you rather John Adams, John Quincyanos, be a slave owner or a sex trafficker?
Because he's one of two.
Free Online Freedom00:02:21
He's one of two.
Which one is it?
And maybe both.
Well, that's why you got the presidency.
My whole thing has always been, you know, the internet has been this now.
It's like this.
It was the Wild West for a while.
And now people are coming and clamping down and going, hey, we got to introduce some guardrails.
And people have used those words.
I remember, you know, being at a clubhouse.
Remember clubhouse?
And I was on that fucking nightmare.
You were killing it on that.
God, I know.
I thought it was.
You were great.
I think you might have been went the further.
Andrew Schultz.
He was right.
And he was right.
Andrew Schultz is like, yeah, the next big app will not be where the Weinstein brothers talk about like math on it.
He's not wrong about that.
No, he was right about a lot.
He was right about that.
And the other thing was that I was in a clubhouse room and somebody's like, we got to introduce these guardrails online.
And it was this, you know, the woman who's the bumble, the billionaire who'd started Bumble, Whitney, whatever.
So this idea.
And then, of course, it's like, well, that's nice, but what are the guardrails and who decides them?
Right.
Right.
So it is one of those things where I don't think they ever want a situation like this to happen again.
Right.
I don't think they ever want this type of information to leak.
Right.
I don't think they want people organically to figure this stuff out.
And however they can control that in the future, they will.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I think we're living in this very weird time.
And I hope I'm wrong.
I really pray and hope I'm wrong.
But I believe in 10 years, you will look back at the internet and it'll be almost 100% completely corporate.
Right.
And it will look a lot more like television did where it was just all corporate sponsored and it had the entire, it had an edifice of, you know, that it was creative and some of it was creative, but a lot of it was, you know, this was big business.
Right.
And you can see it now already happening.
Oh, yeah.
Well, already on Twitter.
I haven't signed in, logged into my Twitter in about two months now.
I have my girl Benettio tweets everything out, tweets out the dates, tweets out.
And literally getting off that app.
It's great.
It has you feel better.
So emotionally, Instagram, there's a little bit of it, but not like Twitter.
Well, I did it because I was spending time on it way too much time.
And I'm going, I need to be writing a book.
Are you back on it now, though?
No, no, Ben just tweets clips.
Writing a Book00:11:44
Because I need to be writing a book, writing a movie.
I need to be working on things that I can, that are actually meaningful and valuable.
I'm not saying it's bad to have a Twitter following.
It's helped me.
It's helped sell tickets.
I've tweeted funny things.
But when you realize, when you look at the sum total of it, right?
And you go, how many hours have I spent on that app?
And what do I have for it?
What am I going to release a book?
Like the tweets, you know, like what have you gotten back from that app?
You know, I think it helps certain people and it helped me for a while, but I got to a point where I said, I got to allocate time better.
Yeah.
And I got to work on things that can be something.
Because, you know, at a point in our career, you know, you got to start looking at the end game of like, well, what do I want to do?
I've had this great show.
I want to do this show for as long as I can do it.
Right.
I also want to write a book, which I'm working on.
I want to make a movie.
Listen, you'd love to make two or three, but I'd love to make really one classic movie that people like and put out a few comedy specials that people like.
After that, it's kind of like, I mean, what else are we?
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, you know, we talked about this.
We've talked about this before.
It's like, you know, now we're going to have to have an amalgamation of things in comedy specifically, in entertainment, all of entertainment.
Right.
We're going to have to have an amalgamation of things if we want to really get out of this.
Yes.
Because, you know, we're not going to get big money on the comedy specials, the movies.
It's all because, but like anything else, it's not even about entertainment.
Just you got to do something because you love it.
And the money always comes second.
That's what Oprah said.
You got to keep challenging.
Who would be great for the role in that Netflix movie?
My friend said they saw her do cocaine once in Mississippi in a church.
Right.
And I don't know if that's.
Well, thank God she didn't get pregnant there.
But that's the whole.
And well, she's gay.
Oprah is.
Well, with Gail, right?
Oh, that's right.
I mean, she's gay, fully.
A man named Gail.
A man named Gail isn't laying the pipe.
Well, no, no, no.
Her husband's name is Stedman.
And you'd think Stedman would lay a pipe.
Oh, Stedman.
Oh, I thought the guy's name is.
Gail King is Oprah's gay lover.
Very interesting.
You've never seen this?
No.
No, Oprah and Gail.
Gail King is Oprah's gay lover.
Oh, beautiful.
Stedman is her.
That's Oprah's gay lover.
Stedman, her husband, I believe, is her beard.
This is, again, bandied about, talked about.
Okay, so this is like a lot of people know about this.
Well, people have said it.
Oh, there's Stedman.
There you go.
But they are legally married.
I don't know.
No, they're not.
They're just together.
I don't think they're legally married.
You know what's interesting at that level?
At that level, if you're Stedman, it's like, just live in a house.
Yeah.
Like, they got an estate in Montecito.
She's got properties everywhere.
Like, just because nothing's going to get better.
No.
If you divorce her, even if she gives you a care package, nothing's going to get better.
It's like, why?
You know, like, I was with my father this weekend.
We were in Providence and we drove through Newport.
Yeah.
And he was just talking to me.
He goes, you know, I don't understand like why people who get, who marry into like these homes like this, why don't they just keep their mouth shut and just suck everything up?
Because we were driving, looking at these mansions.
My dad's like, money doesn't solve all problems, but it solves most of them.
Well, we're living in a time right now where people are actually over self-actualized.
We came from a time where, see, Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham had a wedding years ago, but never got married.
Right.
Once their engagement news had been spread to everyone in the world, Oprah and Stedman planned to tie the knot in 93.
They never chose a specific day.
You know what else is interesting?
I don't know if you got to spend time.
My father's 75 years old all weekend with him.
And it's interesting.
He was telling me, he was like, you know, you and your friends and your generation, you guys have too much.
So that's why you get depressed all the time because you have too much stuff.
You have too many things.
My father was like, I haven't taken a shit in five days.
He goes, if I took a shit today and that would be the highlight of my day, he goes, I would feel so, I would feel like a million bucks.
He goes, if I gave you a million bucks, you wouldn't feel like a million bucks because you'd look at one of your peers who has two million bucks.
He goes, so who's richer, me or you?
He goes, it's me because all I have to do is shit.
And my whole life will get immensely better.
So I don't have anything.
He goes, you have all these things and you worry about the hole in your ceiling.
Now you got, you know, what car do you want?
You have too much.
He goes, get rid of.
He was like, I want you to get rid of when we go home, get rid of 95% of your clothes.
I said that all I got to do is text another girl and have Jasmine see it.
She'll do it for me.
She'll light the whole thing fucking on fire.
I said, so I can do that one, two, three.
But he was like, get rid of your shit.
He goes, you have your kids.
You got your house.
Stop overconsuming and I guarantee you'll get happier.
And I think that that's the big thing.
Like with the suicide and all that, we have too much shit.
Well, I believe that there, you know, when I look at it, this is the way that I've always internalized it.
I believe that different people need very, very different things to be happy.
Right.
And the problem with the culture that we've created is we flattened everyone.
The internet's flattened everyone.
And we've basically said that everyone's the same and everyone needs the same things.
And that's such a disastrous message to people because I know people that are only happy when they're working.
And I know people that are only happy when they're not working.
And I know, you know, like.
Here's the thing.
Knowing somebody like my dad who's old school, whatever.
And then again, knowing Jerry, not even about the trans stuff, Jerry, but knowing someone, I don't know if you've ever got a chance to know someone who's been institutionalized 20 years or 22 years in prison.
She said the common, the reason why you have repeat offenders is not because they're necessarily bad people.
She was like, I will never repeat offend.
I don't think she will.
She's like, because I have a home with you guys.
I have a life.
I love the kids.
So I have something to go home to.
She's like, but it took me a while to assimilate.
She goes, the best thing that happened to me is as soon as I got out of prison, COVID happened and the pandemic and the world got shut down because it was a slow assimilation back into society.
She said, when you're in prison and everything, you don't have to do anything.
Your meals are given to you.
You're told what to do.
You have to go to bed at this time.
You have to go wake up at this time and this, this, this.
She said, you relax.
There's something nice she said about like socialism and communism where I don't, I'm not forced.
I don't have to go out and make a million dollars.
It's not possible.
She goes, so you're so relaxed.
But when you get out into the real world, after staying in that for 20 years, you start to get so anxious.
She was like, that I need this.
I got to have that.
I got to have the right smile.
I got to have the right.
No, she's like, when at, she was like at a basic level, she goes, the happiest I was when I was in prison after I got used to it because I was like, I don't have to do anything if I don't.
It makes sense.
It makes sense.
It's also, you know, we listen, we live in a country where everybody's told they can be the boss, the CEO, the star, the fucking athlete.
Everybody's told they can be the best.
Everybody's told.
And listen, there's a lot of that that makes America like a very great place.
But then there's a lot of that where it's like, nobody tells you what to do if that doesn't work.
This country does not focus at all on plan B.
This country does not focus.
Every movie, everything made is about following your dream, conquering the thing.
But there's very little thought given to actually how to construct a life in this country.
Well, that's why for me, at least having kids helps because I'm like, oh, literally pushing my daughter in a swing or taking my kids to school and providing a life for them is like, that's it.
Like, what else?
That's right.
Do I have to sell at MSG?
Sure, I'd love to.
But let's break the, if you just make everything smaller.
I think that's what my dad was trying to tell me.
Yes.
He's just constipated and mad.
He's like, just you have too much shit.
You're trying to make your life too big.
Make everything small and you'll be happy.
I know.
And that's how he lives.
We'll never do it.
No.
No, not at all.
No, they're not at all.
And it's also like.
The whole time I've been worried I'm half sold out in Burlington.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm like, come on, you Democrat fucking cut.
I'll talk about Bernie Sanders.
Here's the deal.
It's like, you know, we all have these experiences where whether it's near death or whatever, you know, you take a test at a doctor.
He's like, it's negative, whatever it is.
And you go, how could I get upset about anything small?
And then the next day you're back to yelling and screaming about traffic and everything.
Because that's the reality of life.
That's what it is.
It's just what it is.
It's the reality of life.
I think as you grow, I was just watching on the plane out here.
I watched the Anthony Bourdain documentary.
What you need to do next time, you look at your father and go, you don't have enough.
Yeah, you go, I put you on the podcast.
Do you have a YouTube channel?
What's your fucking digital media strategy?
Yeah, you got to flip it on him.
You go, do you have any live dates?
Yeah.
You have representation?
Yeah, I would say if I make my life smart and I get less gigs, how are you going to fucking embezzle my money to gamble it on FanDuel, you piece of shit?
Shout out to FanDuel.
I like FanDuel.
No moral judgments.
Everyone's a winner.
Yeah.
Not my father.
Where can the people support you if they choose to as a white South Asian non-binary woman?
You can support me on Netflix.
I have my own Netflix.
He has a Netflix special.
And I'm going to have one too.
Maybe mine's out by now.
I don't know.
Yeah.
We pre-recorded this because we got to do a little vacation in August.
Ben's going to Europe with his wife.
Oh, there you go.
She's going to Europe for like, I mean, these people, when they tell you where they go, you just look at them and you go, do you people?
How much money do you have?
They have more money than me, these people.
I can't believe it.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting.
I believe it.
I'm going to make sure he's able to go for at least 10 days, maybe even the full two weeks with his woman.
With his woman to Europe?
I am just, you know.
Yeah, you'll be.
By the way, anyone who knows Tori Birch, please, we do this on every show.
Have her contact me.
Fashion designer Tori Birch.
Please have her contact me.
Thank you.
I don't even know who Tori Birch is.
Of course you don't.
You fucking meatball.
ChristyComedy.com for everything.
Patreon.com slash Christy Comedy, especially Western Netflix.
It's really all you need to know.
I hear you.
Very, very good too, Chris.
What'd you say?
You want to promote these dates here?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, let's promote some dates.
Let's promote some dates.
But Chicago Theater, September 30th.
That's the big one.
There you go.
Chicago Theater.
And San Francisco Cobs.
Come out, you homos.
And Chile, nice.
Oh, Chile, yeah.
We're going to add a show at the Fillmore in Philly, by the way.
Yeah.
First one sold out.
Because he wants to go Gallivant, Europe.
So I'd have to.
What countries in Europe, Ben?
Slovakia.
My wife planned a trip where she's going to see her friend in Slovakia and her brother in Germany.
Oh, my God.
So I'm going to get fucking kidnapped.
I'm going to allow him to go for at least a week.
She's going to go for two weeks.
She might like to be there a week without you, which just hurt me.
She would with her friend.
With her friend.
I'll go for like five days.
Yeah, you go for a little bit.
But you know what I mean?
The thing about him, what amazes him is how much my commitment to work all the time.
Right.
And, you know, it's really enriched his life.
It's enriched his life to see someone and to be around someone who just works constantly.
And I know he's got a dumb smirk on his face because he thinks it's funny, but it's not funny.
Everything I'm doing, whether I'm in real estate, I'm trying to fix up a house or I'm working on this show.
Everything I'm doing is to provide an example for him.
And I hope he takes the lesson because I won't be here forever.
One day I'll be gone and he'll be sitting there in my fucking house probably with his shit family.
And I hope he just appreciates what's been done for him.
He'll be doing the podcast with Chelsea Lynn.
Yeah.
They will move her fat ass into this chair so quickly.