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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Packing for a European Nightmare00:03:53
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the, I have gray in my hair.
I got to stop.
I got to, I went to the hairstylist today to get the gray out and I walked in and just immediately left because I could see that it was going to be a horror.
And I, like, West Hollywood salons or it's like a lot of very peppy gay men and then very like brain dead women and gay men.
It's like that unholy alliance of gay men and very stupid women.
Yeah.
And everyone's very perky.
And I just said, I can't even do this.
So, but I'm taping a special on Saturday and I want to, I want to look like I'm 17 years old.
So I want to get some of the gray out.
Because I have nice hair, but it's gray.
It becomes a problem.
You have a great head of hair.
It's all I have.
It doesn't matter.
You know what I mean?
It has no effect.
It's like I have nice eyes.
You know what I mean?
You do.
Yeah.
You're a handsome guy.
That's lovely.
I do well with older women and lesbians.
I find myself attracted to you, which is weird.
I know.
And, you know, Maureen at True TV always wanted to fuck, you know, and, you know, it's always like, you know, it's always like, ah, okay, I'm good.
Jessica Kerson is the funniest woman in America.
I really believe that.
That's so fun.
Everyone, Rogan and me, we all talk about it.
You are.
And we just, so you destroy at the Laugh Factory.
You destroy everywhere you go.
If you're not following Jessica, you should.
It's at Jessica Kerson on Twitter.
It's very fucking simple.
It's very easy.
And she's on the road all the time.
You're on the road.
And we were just talking about the hell that the road is.
It's horrific.
Yeah.
It's a nightmare.
It's a fucking, I mean, it's why I do it because I'm a miserable fucking person.
So it's very familiar for me.
It's, it's, you get into a good rhythm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't think I'd be okay if I, I, if, if I wasn't doing that because it would be just boring.
Well, it's also we're addicts.
Yeah.
And addicts love like a, like a depressing hotel.
Oh, yeah.
Horrible coffee.
It tastes like urine.
Yeah.
Or ass juice.
Urine's actually would taste better than what the coffee tastes like.
Yeah, there's something about a nice depressing hotel.
There's something about standing on the side of the road and just watching cars pass by.
Yeah.
That there's something soothing about that to people that are very fucked up.
And like you said to me, how many bags do I bring?
Because I'm going away for a month.
I'm like, I don't bring any.
I just go to the DXL, the fat store, and I buy three black 3XL shirts and sometimes I just throw them out.
I just picture you like just throwing them just on the street.
No, I look like a terrorist when I get on the plane because I have nothing.
I mean, I have nothing.
And I look like a guy that's on the brink of something.
So they kind of size me up.
They literally sometimes will go, that's all you're bringing?
I go, yeah.
And then I just have to drive in the fat store.
DXL is always 30 to 40 minutes out of a city because they're ashamed of it as they should be.
So they put it so far out into the suburbs.
You have to drive 30 minutes.
It's not even in the suburbs in something called the Xurbs, which is like 45 minutes out.
That's the new term for it, where it's so far out that you have to keep driving past all the Paneras.
And then you get there finally and you get the three shirts and then you wear them and you throw them out or you bring them back or whatever.
What if you're in like Europe or something?
Do they have like fat stores?
Let me tell you right now, I will wear one outfit.
I don't know what to do.
No, I'm going to have to pack for Europe.
You have to pack for Europe.
I'm not going to be home before Europe.
So I have to buy clothing and luggage.
Well, they might have like a bed bath and beyond.
You can get like curtains or something.
Yeah.
No, I'm going to go to Europe and I will not be able to purchase anything.
So I have to then like cover myself.
The Struggle to Pack for Europe00:05:02
You've been doing comedy a bit, a long time.
Yeah, I started in 99.
So I've been in this nightmare of a situation for 23 years.
When you started, were people smoking in comedy clubs?
Was it that type of environment?
What kind of environment was it?
No, but they weren't smoking, but they were laughing and you could say anything you wanted.
I started during that time.
That time.
Yeah, when it was, you were free to say whatever you wanted.
Yeah, people came to laugh.
Yeah.
And they didn't think about every joke.
Right.
Now they analyze.
Yeah.
Now I say something and there's this moment of like, is it okay to laugh at that?
Right.
So, yeah, but you see what I do.
I just plow through it.
You either laugh or you don't.
That's why everybody respects you is you just don't give a fuck.
I do a little bit, but I don't, I just have to just do it.
And it's like, whatever happens, happens.
You got a point.
I'm barely functioning.
So I now go up at places.
Sometimes, obviously, I go up in rooms where people don't know me.
I've had the luxury of going up in a lot of rooms where people know me now because they come to see me.
It's so much more fun.
And then I go out and I say something.
And then there's like a soccer mom who's like, you know what I mean?
And who thinks she's an environmentalist because she has a Tesla, never mind where that lithium ion comes from, whatever, who cares?
But they make the face, they do the whole thing.
And it's like, and I'm not even attracted to women.
So for me, I have no, you know, there's nothing there.
I go, we're on a bad date.
And it will end soon enough.
And then we'll just be done with it.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
I mean, people have completely lost their minds.
We were just talking about that, especially here in L.A.
It's, I mean, we're both sober and I feel like I've taken 70 drugs, things that aren't even, I don't know what's going on.
Yeah.
Well, people here in LA will say they're sober, but they do all of the drugs.
They're on crack.
I said that to you.
Like people will say, I'm California sober.
I'm like, you're on crystal meth.
You're literally just shot up.
People will tell you they do shrooms.
And none of the people doing shrooms are having any of the revelations you'd hope they'd have.
Yeah.
Like none of these people are like progressing in any area of their life.
No.
They're taking shrooms.
They're going to Joshua Tree.
They're sitting under the stars.
Yeah.
And I don't know what's happening.
I don't know if they're taking DMT and the aliens are appearing.
I don't know if they're arguing with the aliens, with the aliens.
Like, here's the way it is.
And they're like, well, actually, I don't know what's going on, but none of it is.
Were you ever tempted to be like, oh, I can be sober, but do psychedelics?
No.
To me, being sober is sober.
I can't do anything because it always leads to other.
That's right.
If I start smoking pot, I'm going to suck a guy's cock on the street corner.
And like, you know, I mean, and I'm gay.
Like, it's not, this is not good.
I can't do anything.
It's not a good situation, no matter what.
I can't do anything.
But there's struggles.
The struggles are food.
Everything.
Everything's a struggle.
I'll do anything.
I'm a garbage can.
Yeah, I'm out of my mind.
Everything's a struggle.
Yeah.
When did you get sober?
I mean, I've been in and out for years, you know, but there's been times when I've had, you know, six years at a time, eight years at a time.
But again, anytime I thought I could do a little something.
And what usually gets you?
Like, what's the thing that pot.
So that's why I'm saying, like, people that say I'm so.
I've done that with cigarettes.
I've quit cigarettes 30 to 40 times in my life.
Really?
Yeah.
I was, I was six years off them once.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cigarettes are tough.
It's very tough.
It's brutality.
Yeah.
And they're not even fun.
Here's the thing about cigarettes.
They're disgusting.
Yeah.
They smell bad.
You feel horrible.
When you don't smoke, you feel so much better.
Yeah.
But it is the, it's one of the greatest products because it can raise the price of it.
They tell you it kills you in 19 different ways.
And no matter how long, like I used to be five years without a cigarette and I'd see somebody smoking a cigarette and I'd go, damn.
I know.
Damn, that looks good.
Everyone misses them.
It's a very oral thing.
It's calming.
It's tough.
That was the hardest.
Believe it or not, I think that was the hardest thing I ever had to quit.
It was very hard.
Very hard to quit.
It was very hard.
And I don't, thank God now I don't do it.
But I know I'm really proud of you.
I'm proud of you for quitting.
I have said to people in LA, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore while smoking a cigarette.
And they've looked at me and went, Good job, man.
Yeah, because they're so self-involved.
They're not even noticing that you're smoking.
So disgusting.
That's kind of the benefit of living here.
You lie to each other's faces and everyone believes that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can say, I don't drink anymore while you're downing a beer.
And people are like, that's great.
So happy for you.
I could face fuck myself with like a donut and be like, I don't eat sugar.
And they're like, that's great with like powder all over my head.
No one listens to anyone here.
It's not, they're not even.
Nobody's even paying attention.
What do you think makes us addicts?
Well, I don't know.
Is it nature?
Selfishness and the Mentorship Trap00:12:13
Is it nurture?
I think it's, I think it's a lot of things.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know if I was born this way.
I mean, I'm from a family of food addicts.
So I, you know, I'm from drunks.
I'm Irish Catholic.
We're from drunks.
We're from repressed sexuality.
I have an aunt who, you know, has never been with a man and she wears men's shoes.
And you know what I mean?
Not because she's a lesbian, because they're more comfortable, you know?
And, you know, and she wears a strap on.
She had like a special friend in college.
They were very close.
So it's like...
Men's shoes is my favorite.
Yeah, no, I mean, she, she, she walks around the house like storming around and like men's shoes.
So it's, it's, this is, we come from these places that have, my mother's a schizophrenic, you know, and uh, you know, but now the country is caught up to her.
Yeah.
Like we locked her up 20 years ago, but now everyone is kind of saying what she said for years.
So it's like I talk to regular people and they say things similar to what my mother has said because the country has now become kind of schizophrenic too.
It is totally.
So we should let her out.
You should let her out.
She should just write around.
She'll be fine.
Just send her to the Capitol and buy her a fucking Viking hat.
Send her in there.
She'll shit on the desk and it'll be totally normal.
Yeah.
What is your because a lot of people call me and they go, or not call me, but they message me and they go, what is the best way to get sober?
I did AA for a while.
I should go to more meetings.
I don't really go to too many meetings.
What is the best way, in your estimation, to change your life from being a drug addict or an alcoholic or a food addict or whatever to being sober?
Kill yourself.
No, I hate to jump in front of a car.
No, this is honestly.
It's a hard question.
I hate saying this because it's annoying, but the program is the only way that is.
It really is the only way.
And I'm a child of a therapist.
I've been to every single therapy, every fucking therapist, done everything.
And it always comes back to that.
It's the only way for me that that's worked.
No, you're right.
And I also think, you know, being honest and working with other alcoholics and helping people and getting out of my own head because I'm a selfish motherfucker.
It's a lot of things, but working the program and working the steps has been the only way I've been able to stay sober.
And I've tried a lot of other things.
I've tried.
I've tried doing it on my own.
I've tried everything.
I'm the most sane when I work another program.
And I mean, work a program.
And I hate saying that because I hate having to have something that helps me.
Like I have to do that.
See, Ben doesn't, Ben was lucky because he didn't need the program on the program for him.
Yeah.
So it's very lucky.
Sometimes people have a mentor that comes in.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like me who's relentlessly positive and life-affirming.
Oh, Ben, you're so lucky.
Yeah.
It's a real treat.
But I mean, what happened to the doctor the other day?
He said to you, he took all your blood.
He said you're healthy.
And then what did he say?
Well, I am low on vitamin D.
He said, I'm deficient on that.
But he said, my biggest health risk is just relapsing.
Yeah.
He goes, he goes, don't look up the numbers on it, but the rate of relapse is severely high.
Doctors are always positive there.
Very high.
Are you sober, Ben?
I am sober.
Four years.
Wow.
That's great.
Tim helped me.
Oh, that's amazing.
Yeah.
It's a fun, it's a fun.
It's an AA meeting every day here.
I've missed a lot of people.
I got this long dialogue.
If you guys don't work the program, you must be at each other's throats sometimes.
We're not at each other's throats.
There's a lot of tension.
We should work the program.
That's something we should do more.
I did.
I did the steps.
I did everything.
Yeah.
It works.
It does work.
It's good, especially, you know, in early sobriety and even long-term sobriety.
You have to do it.
Especially in long-term sobriety because you get, you know, once you're comfortable, and you go, it'll be okay.
And especially in this business that we're in, it's, you know, people tend to be.
Yeah.
There's good support with comics.
There's a lot.
There's a bunch of sober comics and there's a very good support system, you know.
And it's helpful because this business is just makes me want to, you know, shoot up heroin into my anus.
Makes me want to put a needle in my asshole.
You have a beautiful wife who's lovely.
Thank you.
Yeah, she's great.
And you have children.
What's it like raising kids in this world?
I'm never home, so I don't even raise them.
So it's really as long as they're attractive.
That's all I care about.
Thank God they're pretty.
I have four daughters and they're all stunning.
Thank God.
Because I really.
One of your daughters, amazing singer.
I mean, these are talented people.
Yeah.
Zoe is almost 16.
She goes to, we live in Long Island, so I love that connection to you.
And she goes to the school for performing arts there half the day.
She's an amazing actress and singer.
Do you ever, do you ever like worry about her getting into the business just?
Yes, but she does, you know, they don't get as affected by the rejection and shit.
She's pretty.
And she has an agent.
She's Buckwald and she organizations all the time.
I mean, she does get bogged down by it, but she's pretty good with it.
But yeah, of course.
And there's so many girls that look, she's a stunning, dark hair, you know, blue eye.
Like there's a lot of girls that look like her and a lot of stuff is going to other girls now.
That's the truth.
Right.
So there's that.
And then I have a six-year-old daughter and I have twin three-year-olds.
You know, I have two baby mamas.
It's fucking crazy.
It's wild.
Yeah.
And do you get along with both of them?
I do.
I do.
I mean, I'm lucky.
I have a good situation.
I can't believe I have all these kids.
I never thought I'd had one kid, but I couldn't say no.
Now, did you do surrogate?
Did you do that?
We did in vitro.
So each of them, you know, my ex, Sherry, had Zoe, and then Danielle, my current wife, had Isabella, Madison, and Charlotte.
And you've had none of them?
No, I would never have a kid.
I'd feel like I was like, I'm very male in a lot of ways.
So I've never for one second thought of carrying a child.
Like I would feel like I was an alien.
I think all day about being implanted and carrying a child.
Really?
Yes.
I think it's an inevitability that I get pregnant and have a child.
Wow.
I can see that.
No, I really like the idea of, I like the idea of being entitled and angry and having cravings and calling Ben at 3 a.m. and go, get me pickles.
And, you know, he goes like, you know, I buy all these dumb houses and shit and stuff.
I don't even live in them.
And it's just because I'm an addict.
So I just love real estate.
Yeah.
I just love realtors and going in and out of houses, going to open houses.
We go to open houses.
That's our AA.
But it's also good to put money in place because my business manager will steal.
And I mean, he's a sweetheart, but he'll steal.
Yeah.
And I think he's pretty, you know, I mean, the first time we met him, he'd come from five guys.
He had mustard on him.
I said, oh, he'll take our money as soon as we have enough of it.
You know, he's talking about raising NFT horses.
I mean, the guy's, he's on the ledge.
Yeah.
And so what, what would, you know, but that's something like, you know, Ben always tells me, like, don't do this.
Don't do this.
Don't, you don't need this.
You're not even going to enjoy it.
But I think it'll be funny when I have a baby in me and Ben will be like, I told you not to do this.
What would you rather have, a girl or a boy?
Just so we can know.
Because you can kind of plan that.
I'd like a girl.
Okay.
And I'd like a girl because I have the perfect idea of what a woman should be.
I think you know more than anyone.
I know what a woman should be.
And with the guys, you know, I, you know, they kind of just go their own way.
I have a real idea of what a woman should be in my estimation.
And what should a woman be?
Or just some examples, I'm curious.
You know, my dream daughter is a very cold and withholding woman.
I like that.
Yeah.
No.
And I'm attracted to that.
Yeah.
A very, you know, pretty.
Or even if she's not pretty, cold and withholding.
And I feel like there's too much nurturing going on right now.
Yeah.
And I think women should go back to being cold and withholding and a little aloof.
I like a woman who smokes a cigarette and stares at the sky.
I like a little aloofness.
There's two people are, it's overdone now.
And I like that.
And I would, I don't know how I would create that in a person, but I would try.
Definitely.
You can damage her.
Yeah, no, that would be the goal.
And intimacy issues.
That would be the hope.
Yeah, you don't hug her too much.
And if you're very inconsistent, that would help.
Because I think that those types of women select an appropriate mate.
Because there's a lot of women that make very bad decisions with who they choose to spend their lives with.
And I think I would like my daughter to be kind of really evaluate a guy on a bunch of different levels and go, I'm getting into a partnership with you.
Does it make sense?
Yeah.
Do you ever worry that your daughters may choose to be with someone who's not good?
Yes.
A lot.
A lot.
You know, Zoe, I trust Zoe.
Zoe's very like free-spirited and like, yeah, and kind of a little, you know, she thinks everyone's good and kind of like naive a little bit.
So that scares me.
But I'm very like clear with her.
And so is my ex about how like people can be really horrible and evil at times because that's honest.
You know, that's real.
And I'm like, you got to be really careful.
Like people are not.
What's good is like you're involved.
My family's always been so uninvolved in my life.
Yeah.
They're not involved in any respect.
Like my dad is a fan of mine, but it's like he's not, he's not involved.
He doesn't really ask like, what's going on?
Are you dating someone?
Do you feel okay?
Are you alive?
It's very much like he'll call me and go, David Spade mentioned, do you want Howard Stern?
Isn't that?
It's all about the business.
Yeah, it's all about the business.
So, which is fine, right?
But it is, it is, I, we, I was raised by the worst generation of people on earth, the boomer.
And the boomer did, and I've conducted an exhaustive survey of the boomer.
The boomer, not all of them, but a lot of them, it was a generation of terribly selfish people.
Yeah.
Terribly selfish that are constantly aggrieved.
Their entire lives have been a struggle, even though when you look, it hasn't been.
Houses were cheap, cars were cheap, the land was theirs to pillage, and they did.
Yeah.
And they believed that kids were obstacles to their own fulfillment and their fulfillment involved golf and wine.
It was not per se, you know, they were like, they were the hippies and they just turned hard away from that.
And they kept all, because hippie, you know, that culture was all about like exploring yourself.
But it had a lot of spiritual components.
So what they did when they came out of that is they kept the self obsession that that culture had and lost all of the spirituality and just became very selfish people.
And I'm not saying anything bad about my parents other than the fact that they like shouldn't have been parents.
Yeah, well, I think most people, I think a lot of people shouldn't be parents.
Right, but I'm happy they were or tried.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They weren't abusive.
They didn't burn me with cigarettes.
Soulful Materialism and Award Chasing00:05:30
Well, I think I know a lot about your life, you know, and you had a tough time.
It was tough.
It was not the best.
It wasn't.
It was not the best.
It wasn't.
But my parents have let me know that was a lot had to do with me.
I know.
It was my fault.
I know, which is horrific.
It's horrific.
Now, now the outcome is your brilliance.
Well, that's very sweet of you to say.
That's very true.
That's very sweet.
That's why you're so talented and brilliant.
And we become, I do think that I am funny because I went through so much pain.
I think that humor, I don't think, I know that humor comes from pain.
And I think the funniest people have been hurt the most.
That's my personal opinion.
Right.
You know, when people go on stage and they're so fucking funny, I'm like, that person has gone through shit.
Right.
I really believe that.
For sure.
You ever look at comics that haven't been through anything and you go, what are you doing?
Oh, yeah.
I'm like, you're too okay.
Yeah.
You're like, why are you doing that?
There's so many comics who are just clever.
I never laugh at clever comedy.
No.
And people do.
Like, they'll do well on stage.
Louis said something great once.
It's like, I forget, did Louis say it?
I forget who said it.
I think it was Louis, where it was like, it's comedy for people who went to Vassar.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It might not have been Louis, but somebody, it was like that type of, where it's like, it's very, it's very well thought out.
Yeah, I've never laughed at Seinfeld.
Now he's a great writer.
I've never once laughed at it.
Well, here's the most brilliant thing because he's technically one of the most brilliant comics.
I'm sure he'd love me.
That's sarcastic.
But the one time I really laughed at him is he did a speech for the Clio Advertising Awards where he goes, it was the funniest thing that I've ever seen him do because it was the most real.
Ben can get it up.
This is him being the most real I've ever, hold on one second.
This is him being the most real I've ever seen.
It is my, one of my favorite things I've ever seen a comic do because the thing with him is some of his jokes are so technically brilliant.
They're brilliant.
They're brilliant.
They're a brilliant writer.
But there is sort of, you feel like you don't know him.
That's my thing.
That's what I'm saying.
This is just my personal opinion.
But here, if you watch this, this to me is one of the best things because now I do kind of feel like I know him if you watch this.
Right.
I am excited to win this.
This is the award they give you when they don't think you can actually win one.
But they think you've done a pretty good job and seem to have been around for quite some time.
And that's how I got it.
I would like to thank Ogilvy and Mather and American Express for getting me into this business.
That was the first time I did it.
I would like to thank my manager, George Shapiro, my incredible wife, Jessica, and Amarati for keeping me going.
I love advertising because I love lying.
In advertising, everything is the way you wish it was.
I don't care that it won't be like that when I actually get the product being advertised because in between seeing the commercial and owning the thing, I'm happy.
And that's all I want.
Tell me how great the thing is going to be.
I love it.
I don't need to be happy all the time.
I just want to enjoy the commercial.
I want to get the thing.
We know the product is going to stink.
We know that.
Because we live in the world and we know that everything stinks.
We all believe, hey, maybe this one won't stink.
We are a hopeful species.
Stupid but hopeful.
But we're happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase.
And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
That's different than what he does.
That's right.
This is why I love it.
Here, keep watching.
This is great.
Because a brief moment of happiness is pretty good.
I also think that just focusing on making money and buying stupid things is a good way of life.
I believe materialism gets a bad rap.
It's not about the amount of money.
Nothing's better than a big pen, a VW Beetle, or a pair of regular Levi's.
If your things don't make you happy, you're not getting the right things.
This will all be in my new book, Soulful Materialism, which is in the planning stages at this moment.
I have always wanted a Clio.
I don't know much about it, but I know it's a good award because in 1991, they screwed up this whole presentation and there were a bunch of awards left over and all of these ad people here climbed up onto the stage and tried to grab them.
Balkanized Movements and Homophobia00:15:05
So to me, that says this means something.
That really happened and it's my all-time favorite award show occurrence because it was so honest.
People just said, I want a damn Clio, and they went for it.
And that is why I am happy right now.
I got this.
I didn't really win it, but I got it.
And tomorrow, I don't know where this is going to be.
It'll be somewhere.
Eventually I'll be dead.
Someone will just take it or sell it or throw it out.
That's fine.
I'm happy now.
The same way those executives were in 1991 when they ran onto this stage and grabbed trophies that weren't theirs.
But had trumped up their phony careers and meaningless lives.
So thank you all for honor for that.
I saw that and I was like, this is like this moment.
It's real.
Yeah, it's totally real.
And dark.
And dark.
But he's not.
I've watched him a million times.
Yeah, it's not his usual thing.
It's safe and it's not real a lot.
It's just.
Yeah, it's a different thing.
Yeah.
It's a different thing.
What do you think is happening with comedy right now where you have a lot of comics who are cool and you have a lot of people that seem like they are on stage to make a point?
And they feel like they're a gay comic or they're a comic of color or they're a comic or they're a trans comic.
It doesn't feel like the community of comics feels more divided and splintered now than it's kind of ever been.
It feels like the identity of comic, to me, is such a powerful, strong identity.
It should unite all these different groups of people under that umbrella.
It doesn't seem to anymore.
It seems to be weirdly balkanized.
Everybody's kind of doing their own thing.
It is.
Yeah.
It is divided.
A lot of comics have gone at each other, which I am not used to.
It was very united for my entire career.
And now people are incredibly judgmental of each other.
I personally have never judged comics for what they do.
So it's very odd for me to see comics going at each other.
I could hate someone's act, be disgusted by it, hear what they have to say and want to vomit and want them to die.
But I still believe they have the right to say it.
So, yeah, and I just, you know, I laugh at what's funny.
And I just think the funniest people should get hired for work.
That's right.
So it's just, I don't know what's going on.
Well, good luck with that point.
I know.
I just keep doing what I do and saying what I say.
And I don't let anyone silence me.
In Long Island, do you ever encounter homophobia?
Oh, not in Long Island.
I mean, I word things and say things in a certain way so that I make people feel absolutely ridiculous if they were to be homophobic from my material.
Right.
But when I'm on the road, I definitely get some people that get tense.
Right.
And it's more of like the religious people.
I remember when I first started on Long Island, there was a lot of weirdness when I say something about being gay.
People would go, and that's not a huge part of my act.
I have one or two jokes about it, but it was weird back then.
People would be like, oh, what?
Like, it was a different time, but things have gotten a lot.
Things have changed a lot.
A lot of people don't want to admit that or they don't believe that, but first-hand experience, I think people's attitudes have changed.
They've changed a lot.
And I got to tell you, they're a little more homophobic with men when it comes to comedy.
Absolutely.
Definitely.
Absolutely.
I think with women.
There's never been a big gay male comic stand-up.
No, right?
No.
No, not at all.
I mean, no.
I'm thinking about it.
It was out of the closet.
There's never been a big gay male stand-up comic.
No, I'd say you're by far the biggest there's ever been by far.
Well, I mean, and you don't talk about it a lot, but I mean, you're out and you're the most famous there's ever been.
Well, that's crazy to think about.
I don't know if that's the case.
Yes, it is.
I mean, there's Mario Canton, but he's, he's not, I mean, it's not at your level as a stand-up.
I'm just saying as an actor, but he's musical and it's different.
Right.
There's, I don't know who else, and he's not, it's not the same thing.
I'm just saying he's because there's an Ellen.
There's Ellen.
Right.
Ellen's a male comic who's coming.
Ellen's more of a gay male comic than you are.
That's true.
But as lesbians, they've had big comics.
Huge.
They've had huge lesbian.
Oh my God, Sarah, Sandra.
There's tons of them.
Tons.
Right.
But no, there isn't.
I'd say you're the, you are.
That's wild.
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, think about it.
I've never thought about it.
But yeah, I've never thought about it.
I haven't either, but that's a real statement.
I've always just never knew that, but I never, I also never, like, people, and it's weird.
Like, I understand people's point when they say representation matters.
You go, I want to see myself, someone that looks like me doing something.
I totally get that.
Maybe, I don't know.
I never saw that, but I never cared.
I don't care either.
It's such a small.
I never cared.
Like, I never saw a big gay male comic, but I never cared.
It didn't make me think it was off the table.
I know.
I don't think about that stuff.
I just think about who's funny.
Like, I don't.
But it's also, aren't we, we're kind of a different generation of gay people.
Yeah, we are.
There's another generation of gay people who are, they don't, they have sex with the members of the opposite sex.
Right.
So that's different.
Gay has gotten very, it's a big tent now.
You don't have to be gay to be gay.
In fact, it's a detriment.
You can be queer.
There's a, there's a big tent, and a lot of the people that are in it are married in a heterosexual relationship.
You are telling me that in the car, and I am very confused by it.
You know, a guy on Twitter today came out as queer.
I mean, you can get.
I don't understand.
Yeah, I'm not judging it.
I don't know what you're talking about, though.
Yeah, I'm judging it a little.
You know what it is?
I don't understand what you were saying.
You said he's married to a woman.
Yeah, he goes, I've started identifying as queer over the last four months.
Does that make me the new queer, but an old black?
I think most men, especially black men like me who come out later in life, because we don't really know it ourselves.
Also, I'm attracted to a wide range of women, but not men at all.
So I didn't know how to ID myself, even though I haven't felt straight in years.
LOL.
So I don't know what that means.
I have no idea.
I'm not hating on it.
I genuinely am confused.
To me, I literally feel like I just heard Chinese.
Right.
I have absolutely nothing.
It might be a Chinese bot, but it's, you know, that to me makes, again, I'd love to understand it.
I would love to understand.
But that's the success of the gay movement, that straight people now want to be in it.
And then the big LOL at the end is very upsetting because it's what is that?
That's a crazy person.
But it's a, that many people are ill.
We're living in a, what do you think the percentage of mental illness now in the country is 30, 40%?
98.5%.
Now, in certain ways, I'm mentally ill, but I work on it and I'm medicated.
Yeah, right.
I mean, I'm not judging.
Like, I have issues, but I work on it.
People are out of their minds.
We were at a comedy club.
I told you, I was at a comedy club last night.
It looked like the game room in a mental institution.
And I'm not even just talking about the comics.
I'm talking about the audience, too.
The people that work there.
I'm like, am I at a mental institution?
You said people were like rocking back and forth.
Someone was talking to themselves.
Someone was flicking their fingers.
Someone was rocking.
There was a person with a helmet.
I don't know what the fuck was going on.
Someone was defecating.
It was the cra, I'm like, this country is out of, everyone's crazy.
And I really constantly feel like I'm on a sheet of acid, not even one little like tap.
I'm on a sheet.
You've taken a heroic dose, as Terence McKenna was saying.
Yeah, I've taken a cardboard like sheet of acid.
What do you think it is?
You think it's the internet's driven people crazy?
Yes.
Yes.
My mom says that.
She's a huge therapist, and she said the internet has ruined people's lives.
I mean, it's ruined, like she said, it's ruined people's lives.
And it's only getting more and more intense.
I mean, it's insane.
Like and subscribe.
Do you ever, do you ever go through TikTok and just go through it?
It's out of control.
It's out of control.
Like you'll just see someone like, hi, everyone.
I'm Dorothy, and I really love, and then you just flick through and it's like, and it's just one person after the next, like mentally ill, fucking crazy people.
It's nuts.
Yeah.
No, it's crazy.
Well, there's a lot of neurodivergence now.
It's true.
I mean, there's a lot of people that are, that are on the spectrum and they are struggling with different things.
And it only seems, there's more and more of that.
And now that's becoming kind of a brand in a weird way.
There's someone who literally is mentally retarded or whatever you want to call it.
Right.
And they're 700 pounds in like a tight t-shirt and boxers with one sock on.
Like, hey, baby, like just singing.
And then it has 786,000 shares.
Like it's just being made fun of everywhere.
What do you think of the pro-fat movement now?
It's very interesting, the fat activism.
I mean, I've been.
As people who've struggled with our weight, it's interesting to see now it's gone the other way where fat people are like threatening people on social media.
I'm 330 pounds and no one should have been promoting me.
I was disgusting and should have been shot.
I should have been hunted down and shot.
I was not, I was an animal.
I should have gotten help.
Someone should have gotten a net and fucking put me in a cage and helped me.
But there's a movement now.
Well, I needed movement.
I needed a lot of movement because I was dying.
Yeah.
Okay.
There's a movement to celebrate.
I should have not been celebrating.
I had rashes.
Yes.
It's a smell.
I was not okay.
But what has happened?
You know what I mean?
Like, what has happened where it's gone to a place where there is a celebration of that type of behavior?
Well, I think that.
No, I don't think fat people should be victimized or treated like shit.
No.
But no one thinks that.
Of course not.
But we've gone into such an extreme place.
I have a lot of fat professionals.
My agent is fat.
And they're very distracted.
They're fat.
My tour is booked.
If you look at the way my tour is booked, it's booked in towns with steakhouses so that my agent can come.
I have a fat assistant.
She's lovely.
But she's distracted because they're always thinking about eating.
I'm surprised your tour isn't all at like Burger Kings.
Yeah, no.
My tour is literally routed around the openings of steakhouses.
But, you know, it is a distracting thing.
Like, I'm trying to lose weight.
It's hard.
Do they always have food in their mouths when you're talking to them about it?
They're chewing, they're crunching late at night.
Well, they crunch.
They crunch things.
They have little vittles that they have.
They've got food everywhere.
Like, you know, it's distracting.
It's like, again, it's a compulsion.
I know.
You don't have to tell me.
I'm an animal.
I fuck my face with food.
I don't even chew.
You know what it is.
I know.
So to me, the idea that that's become a celebrated part of our society.
It's not okay.
It's not okay.
The mukbangs online, you've seen them.
People just eat.
People watch.
I mean, did you see Nick Avocado's video where the woman was getting stabbed?
Yeah, I sent that to you.
Please bring that up.
Someone's getting stabbed.
There's a woman in an apartment building getting stabbed.
And I don't know if you even know who this guy is.
This guy, all he does is eat online, and he eats these crazy things.
And he's just kind of killing himself online every day.
He's pretty popular.
And he's very pop.
People want to watch him kill himself with food.
This is a deeply disturbed society.
Now, I want you to listen to this because this is literally true.
Someone's getting stabbed to death in the apartment next door and they notice it and they keep eating.
Watch this.
Okay, they taste like this, but no.
Hello.
You hear the screams?
Greasier.
Play it again.
And I want you to listen to the screams.
You can hear them.
You can literally hear the screams.
Okay, they taste like this, but no.
Hello.
I mean, you hear somebody in the back there going, ah!
So somebody's...
Do you know that he just made me homophobic and I'm married to a woman?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, I want to suck dick after watching that.
Yeah, yeah.
It's so disturbing because there's people, millions of them, watching this type of stuff.
There's something that the internet's unlocked, which is really terribly.
Oh, God, that's so disturbing watching him eat like that.
Disturbing Screams and Addictive Personalities00:02:46
Yeah, it's really bad.
Yeah, it's not good.
So he's really popular?
He's very popular.
I've watched a lot of his stuff.
He just eats for hours.
He goes crazy.
Now, why do you watch it, you sick fuck?
I don't really know why.
When you're really hungry and you want fast food late at night, if you just watch him eat a bunch of tacos from Jack in the Box, there's something soothing about it.
There's something, and it's also kind of funny and morbid and is he just talking while he's eating?
Yeah, he has little anecdotes and he has his boyfriend, Orlin, I think Olin or Orlin.
And they do cooking recipes too.
So they'll cook ramen noodles with cheese and eat those and show you recipes and he'll go around Target in a rascal scooter and do little skets and stuff.
So this is where we are.
This is a big.
And they're famous.
They're famous.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm going to do six shows at the fucking Chuckle Bunnies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know, but this is really disturbing stuff.
And your mother as a therapist probably is.
She probably has just some very interesting, you know, thoughts and ideas about how it got this bad.
I mean, I think that we are voyeur.
Like, I think people just want to watch this and just get hooked in.
I mean, it's like watching the war, you know, the news and all that shit.
We get hooked in and it's that addictive personality.
That's right.
We just get hooked in and we can't stop watching.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's, I mean, it's, it's, it's crazy.
It is crazy.
Yeah.
It's unfortunate that there are people whom are they're being enabled and supported to do these really horrible things.
And it's just going to get, how is this getting better?
No, it doesn't.
You know, I mean, no, no, no.
I mean, I don't know.
No, it seems not to be.
I mean, my kids, this is very disturbing.
It's very hard to raise kids in this world, right?
With social media and the bullying and the stuff like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's difficult.
I mean, you can be on top of it and kind of, you know, make sure they don't watch certain things, but it's not easy.
It's hard to keep them from everything out there.
It is very.
They're going to stumble upon things.
Yeah, and then they do post stuff and they're in secret chats and they, yo, for sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it's crazy.
It's really wild now, the challenges being apparent.
And they watch the porn and all that shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, second base when I was growing up was like touching a girl's boobs.
Now it's anal.
Creating Reality in a Digital World00:15:23
Right.
Yeah, it's crazy.
It is.
It's sped up to an unhealthy degree.
It did.
Yeah.
I mean, it's bad out there.
But, I mean, you know.
What is the good?
I mean, really, I don't know.
I felt like you were about to say, like, I wasn't.
I was trying to find.
What is it?
Uber?
I don't know.
Postmates?
Yeah, I know.
I mean, that's good.
You can press a button and get a burrito.
I don't know.
But then there is the dark web pedophile and everything else.
Yeah.
That's a problem.
Yeah.
It's a real problem.
It's hard to be funny.
Stanoop was on stage the other night at the store and he said something brilliant that Roseanne had said to him.
It's very hard to be funny now when there's no such thing as truth.
You're living in an era where truth is really subjective.
People don't seem to be swayed anymore by any type of facts.
They can create their own reality.
And especially with the internet, you can only see that deepening and becoming more immersive where everybody disappears into their own world.
I mean, this metaverse thing, people can make fun of it and they should, and I do, but it's common.
It's like everything else.
Do you know about the metaverse?
No, I don't know a lot about it.
Get up, Zuckerberg, the metaverse.
Now, everything they've done with it has been pathetic and everybody's laughed about it so far because like anything else, it's never going to be a thing.
As Ray Cump, our friend said, it won't be a thing until it's a thing.
Right.
It's like anything else, but it really is this world where you'll have an avatar.
You'll literally pretend to be somebody.
And you'll primarily be in this digital landscape where you are, you know, having a lot of your meaningful relationships and interactions online.
Not in real life.
It doesn't make sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it's coming here.
Just take a quick look at it.
Imagine you put on your glasses or headset and you're instantly in your home space.
It has parts of your physical home recreated virtually.
It has things that are only possible virtually.
And it has an incredibly inspiring view of whatever you find most beautiful.
I mean, this guy's the devil.
Hey, are you coming?
Yeah.
Just got to find something to wear.
He's disgusting.
He's horrible.
All right.
Perfect.
Oh, hey, Mark.
What's going on?
What's up, Ma?
Whoa, we're floating in space?
Who made this place?
It's awesome.
Right?
It's from a crater.
I met in LA.
This place is amazing.
Boz, is that you?
Of course it's me.
You know I had to be the robot, man.
I thought I was supposed to be the robot.
Whoa.
I knew you were bluffing.
Hey, wait.
So this is what they want.
Let's go.
Jessica, this is what they want the future to be.
I'm looking at your face.
But this is the plans for the future.
When is this happening?
They're trying to make it happen at ASAP.
But why?
So they can make a lot of money?
Yeah, so that they can basically, you know, they're trying to curate your life.
They're basically trying through algorithms and everything to feed you a diet of what they want to feed you.
You buy things in this world.
Right.
You consume in this world.
Yeah.
Whether they're NFTs, you use crypto, whatever it is.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's no touch.
This is all I keep thinking.
There's no contact.
There's no contact.
There's no touch.
There's no humanity.
And you get into this world and you purchase things in this world and you buy real estate in this world.
You buy a home in the metaverse.
You buy a home and people are doing it already.
And then you don't leave.
And then they just sell you things while you're there.
And there you go.
This is the new thing where, you know, this is the demo they just ran about here's the shopping now.
This is Walmart.
This is Walmart.
Now you shop at Walmart.
There goes the tomato sauce in the thing.
And then it's delivered to your house, you know, I don't know, via drone or whatever.
But why would you want tomato sauce at your fake house?
Well, some of this, well, if you have guests, you want to make, do you want to make, you're not going to have pasta or something?
No, you don't realize how insane we are.
Why would you want a fake house?
Let's, I mean, let's start there.
So let's start there.
Now, I think this might be, they're demoing this as like you would order it and it would be shipped to your real house and you would eat the tomato sauce.
Right, right.
But don't kid yourself.
Fake tomato sauce for that.
I mean, Heineken just did a thing.
You could pull this up where Heineken sponsored some big metaverse saying it was a big bomb because everybody's like, hey man, what the fuck is this?
But this is coming.
They're trying to shove it down your throat and make it.
So Heineken launched some virtual metaverse saying it was a complete failure.
It says, needless to say, we all love a frosty cold one every now and then.
But now Heidegger is setting its sights on bringing that element into the metaverse.
Brewed with, I'm not kidding, none of this is a joke.
Brewed with pixels and not yeast.
Heidekin's silver is the world's first virtual beer.
So this is all coming.
And this is, you have the same reaction that Rogan had when I told him about this.
Your kids know more about this than you do, probably, or will.
Yeah.
This is all coming.
And I'm a little bit of a conspiracy guy where I go, they just really, I mean, you'll have an avatar.
So if you're 400 pounds, it's okay because your avatar looks like whatever you want to in the metaverse.
And it's a little sick, but there's an inevitability to it.
And they want you on this thing so that you can be making complete sense.
It makes complete sense even though it's the craziest thing ever.
Yeah, I mean, you know.
And I can see it.
Like I can see it happening.
I can see it being incredibly profitable for companies.
And I can see, and I could see the fun of it.
Me too.
I could see the fun of it too.
I go, oh, I can't afford a mansion, but you know what?
Maybe I can in the metaverse.
Right.
You could live this whole playlist.
This is the whole play life.
Yes.
Forever and ever.
Right.
Does it matter that there's a fentanyl opioid epidemic and that there's violence in the streets and that the environment is decaying and the planet is decaying and there's political corruption and there's no health care and you can live a play life.
So I think this is what they're preparing.
Instead of fixing the problems, they're going, how about we all just go to the pool party in the metaverse?
That's what's coming.
Because the problems are deep and very tough to imagine solutions to, as we've just said.
So what we think, you know, what I tend to believe they're going to say is just go to the metaverse.
There's already been sexual assault in the metaverse.
Oh, yeah.
There's already been all kinds of things, sexual assault in the metaverse.
Sexual harassment.
This is USA Today.
Again, USA Today.
Sexual harassment in the metaverse, women alleges rape in virtual world.
So the world's ending.
We just want to say that.
But it is.
We talked about the end.
The physical world is ending.
Yeah, so the world's ending.
We talked about that in your car.
Eddie Peppetone has a great line.
He goes, you know, every generation thinks it's ending, but we're right.
No, we are right.
You said 50 years, I think less.
So I'm going to try to enjoy myself as much as I can.
You have to.
Yeah.
You have to enjoy yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Within 60 seconds of joining Schroed, I was verbally and sexually harassed.
Three to four male avatars with male voices essentially, but virtually gang raped my avatar.
I mean.
Well, her clothes were too tight.
Yeah.
She was out late at night.
Yeah.
It was her fault.
She was being too promiscuous.
So this is where we are.
That seems to be where we're heading.
It's clownish right now, and it's not real yet, but it seems to be potentially real.
Oh, this is going to be huge.
There's no doubt in my mind.
I think so, too.
This is coming immediately.
Yeah, I think so, too.
I don't even doubt that for a second.
This is coming out in the next year.
Yeah, they're going to, yeah, it's coming.
And I think they're going to encourage people to just live those fantasy lives.
Oh, this is going to, for 2030 and this is going to be huge.
That's right.
And you're going to have to pay for everything.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
NFTs, these non-fungible tokens, you can own digital property.
And I don't even mean like a house.
I mean like anything.
You can buy an NFT of a piece of art or whatever.
And eventually it'll be comedy.
You could buy a joke.
Eventually comedians will sell a joke.
I'm telling you, it's going to be, it's all heading to that place, and it seems to be rapidly going there.
We were, you know, one of the last generations.
This all, I guess, eventually has to do with like, you know, humans becoming AI.
Eventually there's a chip in your head that you can write into the metaverse.
It's scary, but it is, you know.
I think it'll be, I hope the lineups at the comedy clubs in the metaverse are diverse.
That's my biggest concern.
Yeah, that's my biggest concern too.
Yeah.
Of anything, even like my kids, is that the comedy club lineups are diverse.
In the metaverse.
Yeah.
For sure.
Yeah.
I mean, there'll be virtual comedy.
There already are.
There's already virtual comedy clubs during COVID.
Yeah.
So that's, that seems to be the next step of society.
Just further into the hall.
Further into the pit.
I'm sorry to show this to you.
I feel like I'm showing you something.
I'm actually fascinated by it.
Don't get freaked out by this stuff because I'm a very realistic person.
So I don't get like, oh my God, because I know this is all coming.
It's coming.
Like it does nothing.
I went to Charl Basil in Miami and I spent 48 hours there and I felt again like I had swallowed a sheet of acid.
But everything that they talked about was real.
They go, listen, everything your kids are going to want, like instead of a pair of Prada sunglasses or Jimmy Chu shoes or a Porsche, everything for clout that they're going to want for to show off, it's going to all be digital.
They're going to want to buy things for their digital world.
Yeah.
It doesn't freak me out because nothing shocks me anymore.
Did you ever, you know, it's interesting, did you ever perform?
Because you've been in New York comedy for so long.
You never performed for Trump or anything, right?
No.
See, they like hate comedy.
Like those types of people.
But I always wonder, like, because you've been such a New York staple for a very long time.
You've probably seen a lot of like politicians and kind of interesting people.
Yeah.
No, I've never, um, I've never performed for like very big politicians, right?
Lower, lower level, but not huge, huge, huge politicians.
No.
Yeah.
Have you?
Ed Mangano, the Nassau County executive who was indicted for taking bribes, him and his wife were getting free deli platters.
No, I swear to God, Ed Mangano and his wife were, she was, she was given a $300,000 job as a food tester to Delhi.
So that's like Long Island corruption.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I haven't, but yeah, I'm trying to think.
I mean, there's been like people in the audience, but no one major.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and you hate LA.
I don't, I don't hate it.
I'm okay with it at for short periods.
But if I were to ever live here, I'd have to have a job.
Like I'd have to be on a show or something.
I could never live here and just like try to make it.
Right.
Yeah.
It's tough.
Where in the country do you perform that's outside of the coast that you really like?
Is there a place where you go, I really like to be there outside of the coast?
See, to me, I love, I love working people.
So I spend most of my time in Beverly Hills and the Hamptons because I like working people.
I get that.
But I like people that have, you know, that work.
So I like Beverly Hills, The Hamptons, Palm Beach.
Yeah.
But now outside of that, where places in the company?
But I hate performing for rich people.
I don't think they should be allowed in comedy clubs.
No, they're the worst crowds there are.
They're entitled and they don't laugh.
They don't have anything.
They're horrific.
They don't relate.
No, I love performing for working people.
I love because they need comedy.
Exactly.
They're dying to laugh.
Yeah, they're dying.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They don't even have food.
But I, yeah.
They have food.
It's the only thing we give them.
Yeah.
No, I'm joking.
I love like small town, you know, places where they don't have a lot of entertainment.
Like, you know, they have that comedy club and they go out and they're dying to laugh.
And yeah.
Yeah, totally.
There's a bunch of places around the country that I love to perform in.
Your live act is one, because there's people that comedy seller, the biggest comedians in the world hate following you.
Yeah.
Because you are one of the biggest powerhouses on state.
Ben's like, have you ever had to follow her?
I'm like, thank God, no.
That's very sweet.
I'm like, no, whenever we perform, Jessica was always headlining.
We were performing in churches in Queens for crackers.
And Jessica was the headline.
I was just doing 10 minutes, very excited.
I'll never forget I saw you there and was blown away.
Oh, that's funny.
You're fucking amazing.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
I thought you were great that night.
Do you know how long ago that was?
We're talking 10 years.
It was a long time ago.
And I saw you and I'm like, he is really funny.
I mean, you were really, really funny when I saw you.
I just got into comedy hard and I destroyed any chance of decent relationships and everything.
I let everything go by the wayside for comedy.
Yeah, you were great.
I thought it right away.
I thought he's a great comic.
And you've always, everyone has always said that.
I'm talking from years back.
Yeah, well, everyone thought you were great right away.
This is a script we wrote for Jessica.
She's doing very well.
We went off over all of this in the car.
Yeah, you're reading yourself a teleprompter in the studio right now.
Yeah, people thought you were great.
They really loved you from right away.
No, everyone has said that about you.
You have a very good reputation in your business.
Convincing Florida to Want Help00:14:42
Yeah, for sure.
I hope.
You do.
Yeah.
You do.
I mean, you're brilliant.
I'm not just saying that to be nice.
You really are to be this, it's not just with comedy.
I mean, you have a brilliant mind, and that's why you're so successful.
It's with fitness.
You're very smart.
You hear a lot of things.
Yeah, you're great with dumbbells.
Yeah, no, I'm good with fitness.
Yeah.
And with fighting, with MMA.
Yeah, you really are.
That's why me and Joe Rogan get along.
We met at the gym.
Oh, I know.
Yes.
He told me you trained him for like a year.
I trained Joe Rogan, but then he wasn't serious about his nutrition, so I had to drop him.
He eats a lot of sugar.
It's a problem.
It's the never-ending possible at the Olive Garden.
I know.
He's a fucking pig.
And he needs to stop.
Well, he's in a corset.
Do you know this?
This is true.
Many people don't know this.
He's 400 pounds.
I know.
He's in a corset.
So when he leaves the studio, he actually just really becomes Lizzo.
It's very.
Lizzo has a new show.
Can we get up the agent?
Which is funny that people think he's a racist because he is Lizzo.
Right.
It's wild.
But Lizzo has a new show now called Big Girls, which again, another thing my agent could not get me on.
And it's called Watch Out for the Big Girls, which again sounds like a negative, but this is being billed as a positive thing.
I didn't even know she had a new show.
It's a new show.
Watch out for the big girls.
What's up, y'all?
It's Lizzo.
I'm looking for dancers to join me on my tour.
Girls that look like me don't get representation.
Time to pull up my sleeves, find them myself.
I should go on this because I can dance.
I want to be on the show.
It's the battle of the big girls.
To be a background dancer for Lizzo would just mean everything.
Now, here's my thing.
And I'm not trying to be, I'm not trying to even make a joke.
What if one of these people has a heart attack?
You mean on the audition?
Like on the show.
Like, what if one of the episodes, someone has a heart attack?
Like, does this would it give anyone pause?
Would they go?
She'll probably get a lot more votes.
Right, yeah, right.
And then she comes back.
She'll get sympathy votes.
Yeah, she comes back in and they replace a valve.
I think it's a fair, I'm just a fair question.
I mean, I think that, you know, someone could have a heart attack.
Yeah.
It's a very good possibility.
It's a very strenuous possibility.
Someone could do a split and shit everywhere because they ate so much.
I mean, a lot of things could happen.
Yeah.
Someone could have, you know, a stroke.
I mean, there's so many different things that could happen.
So my whole thing is just, it's an interesting.
And this episode, it doesn't come out this week.
It'll come out next week.
And this probably has already premiered.
I'm hoping that doesn't happen, but it is a possibility.
So many things could happen.
It's a very real possibility on the show.
People could be vomiting.
It's a physical.
A lot of crying.
Yes.
You could absolutely have stuffing down feelings.
There's so many.
Well, that's the thing.
Eating is a compulsion that's emotional.
I wonder if they eat while they're dancing, if they could just put the food down.
I mean.
They eat while they're dancing.
Yeah.
But you wouldn't get disqualified.
No, because they, you know, you celebrate being fat.
So they're all just shoving cookies in their mouths while they're twirling.
It really is the end, isn't it?
It's gone.
We're in it.
We're not even starting.
We're in the end.
Yeah.
No, it's a severe, it's odd to me.
It's odd that we celebrate now everybody's.
And I mean, now we have, you know, drug addicts and we all have sympathy for drug addicts.
We have empathy.
We know what it's like.
But now we have, you know, people that are, we have open-air drug markets in cities where people shoot heroin on the street.
Yeah, that's going to be the new reality show.
That'll be the new one.
Or that'll be the next thing.
People will go like, I'm a proud heroin addict.
Right.
I'm proud of that.
Right.
We should celebrate opioid.
Like, I'm not addicted to opioids.
I choose to use them.
Right.
And it's my lifestyle.
And if you have a problem with that, you're an issue.
Right.
I'm going to be an addict that chooses background addicts to be around me.
Yes.
Yeah.
That'll be the next show.
Kills around me.
Yeah.
That'll be the next show.
I want a crew of people that love fentanyl as much as I do.
But it seems like that because we're just celebrating compulsions.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And addictions.
Yeah.
Because I see this all as if through the mindset of an addict, they go, this is all addictive behavior.
The food.
I know I struggle with it myself.
I just pictured them going on tour and just all these dancers just falling to the ground and dying.
They're going to die.
They all just go cardiac arrest.
Yeah, they're going to die.
I mean, they're going to die.
And it's sad, but it's like that.
It's sad, but we're making fun of it as people who struggle.
It's like, I'm literally.
I struggle too, but I don't go.
When I make a bad food choice, I never want others to do it.
Me either.
I'm never like, hey, this is the way to live.
No, I don't want people clapping and cheering me on.
I want them to get me help.
I want them to help me.
It would be very weird if I pulled into a McDonald's late night and there was people around me cheering like I was finishing a marathon.
Like they're not.
Well, like handing me nuggets.
Like you hand someone a towel or like water.
Like they're handing me ketchup packets.
No, I want you to like help me.
Yeah, it seems to just be a problem.
And I don't know why it wouldn't eventually be drugs.
Right.
Like that's the next thing.
Yeah.
Like, and we already kind of see it where they're like, they just don't, don't persecute people that are doing heroin in a tent.
And you go, well, I'm not trying to persecute anyone, but it's not good for them.
It's not good for them.
It's not good for tent cities to be there.
It's not a positive thing.
Well, we should really celebrate them.
Right.
You know, at least.
Well, yeah.
Well, that's what people do.
No, people do.
And they go, you know, and it's like, so to me, it's like that may be the next reality show.
It's just, you know, people in the tents.
I think it will be.
We're maybe a year away from the first homeless celebrity, like a homeless star.
You know what?
I could see it.
Yes.
For sure.
A homeless reality show.
Yes.
Where they're like a star.
Yeah.
And they're, you know, and they're, they're known.
I guarantee there's going to be one in L.A.
Oh, we'll be ground zero.
And it'll be, it'll be people that are kind of like, hey, I love this.
Because there is a whole thing now where they go, well, if we offer you a bed and we offer you a home and you don't accept it, we can't allow you to stay on the streets.
And then people go, no, that you can't do that.
You have to let people camp on the street.
Yeah.
You have to let them create.
Not only that, but you need to give them lighting.
You need to give them a kitchen.
Yes.
Yeah.
A den.
You have to let a porch.
You have to.
Yes.
You have to let them be on the street if they so choose to stay on the street and use drugs.
And they don't want to live in the thing.
So we're getting to a point now where not, you know, why not celebrate everything?
Yeah.
You know?
And it's a bit, it's a bit scary.
I've made a lot of mistakes.
I've never celebrated, like, I've never been like, you know what's a good idea?
Stay in the closet till 25, do cocaine, drink, quit that, and then eat a lot.
I've never said that's the way to do it.
I've never said, I'm a bad bitch.
That's why I did that.
I said, I did that because I was in a lot of pain.
It was very hard.
And I didn't find something I liked to do.
And then I finally found something I liked to do.
And I transitioned out of that behavior, most of that behavior.
Yeah, because you want to try to help other people and you want to explain to people that it's not a great decision and you don't want it to be celebrated.
You want to like be an example and try to, you know.
Yeah.
I know.
Yeah.
Again, I don't feel like fat people should be made fun of or ridiculed or anything, but it's, I don't also feel like it should be celebrated because it's not healthy.
It's not healthy.
That's why I'm trying to get it.
People would disagree with you.
They go, it actually is healthy.
No, it's not.
I know.
No, it's not.
I, when I was that large, had high blood, very high blood pressure.
I felt very sick.
My cholesterol was high.
I was not well.
I was very sick.
I was not doing well physically.
Now I'm like, everything's good.
Right.
But my back was out.
My knee was killing me.
Yeah.
So you're saying to be 500 pounds is a detriment to your health because that is a controversial statement in some corners of the internet.
Yeah.
Like there are people that are there are people that go, you can be three, four or five hundred pounds and it doesn't have any negative health effects.
I know those people need help.
Right.
They really, this is what I'm talking about.
Those people really need help.
And how do you help them?
How do we help them?
You can't.
You can't.
They need to be put down.
It doesn't help.
When I say that, I mean that, and I'm joking, but they cannot be helped.
It does seem like a zombie movie.
Yeah, there's no, you can't convince people.
There's a lot of people now that are going to believe what they want to believe.
And they're stuck in that.
And there's no way of convincing that you know that.
Right.
You can't convince these people.
They just go to the metaverse.
They're done.
That's it.
They just go to the metaverse.
People are stuck in their beliefs and you cannot try and convince them that that's there.
No, it is healthy to be 500 pounds.
You're wrong.
What am I going to do?
Try to convince.
It's a waste of energy.
They're done.
They're gone.
Right.
Bye.
Great.
Yep.
Blow up.
Not healthy.
Do you think you'll stay in Long Island forever?
No.
Yeah.
But right now I'm on the road so much.
Right.
And that's where Danielle's family is.
So it's like they help you.
What do you think?
Because I know my eventual, and I don't know when it is.
It might be years and years down the line.
My eventual thing is probably the west coast of Florida.
Yeah, I will.
I always grew up in Florida.
I mean, my both grandmothers had a problem.
Or the East Coast.
I don't know, but Florida.
I think Florida.
I love Florida.
I love it.
I mean, I'm there a lot.
We have a place in Del Rey.
Yeah.
So my family.
So I'm there.
I was just there and I'm going back next week.
I mean, I just came from there the other day.
Yeah, I love Florida.
But I will, I think we're all going to end up in like a home with guns and, you know, just like mining our business and protecting our home and our families because this world is, I don't know what's happening.
Yeah.
Well, what a positive note.
I know.
I really, I know.
I just wanted everyone to feel safe and okay while we were ending this.
Yeah, well, you're going to, everyone's going to spend time and at home with their guns and their family.
Well, look what's going on.
Yeah.
But I don't mean now.
Enjoy yourself now.
Everyone, blow up, fuck your face, get as fat as you can and celebrate it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Where are, where can people find your live dates?
Because I'm not kidding.
You have one of the best live acts I've ever seen.
And it's well worth, it's well worth people to go see you and support you because in terms of live comedy, there's really nobody really doing it better.
Thank you.
You could go to jessicakierson.com.
Yep, jessicakerson.com, K-I-R-S-O-N.
I have a TikTok that you would love because I post crowd work videos every day.
And a lot of, you know, a lot of people do crowdwork.
A lot of women don't.
So I purposely do it a lot.
So I have a TikTok, Jessica Kirsten, and I'm an Instagram, Jesse Kirsten.
But I'm on the road.
I'm on tour for months coming up, and I'm doing a lot of different cities.
How do you do it?
Do you ever take a break?
Not now.
Right.
I'm really on tour right now.
I'm not like you are, Jesus.
It's insane what you're doing.
Well, I'm done in May.
Right.
But you're a fucking warrior.
It's amazing.
But no, I'm touring a lot coming up, and I have a lot in the fall.
So I'm happy.
You know, I'm doing a lot.
It's good.
Yeah.
I mean, the live shows are great.
You go to Jessica's website.
She's got her podcast up there, Patreon.
You have everything up there, easyjessicakierson.com, Jesse K on Instagram, and really go out to see a live show because I don't recommend a lot of comics live, but you really are like the gold standard of a New York comedian, like, you know, which is the highest honor, Boston, New York.
Like comedy is an East Coast thing.
That's just what it is.
You know, I mean, people can get angry about that and not like that, but that's absolutely the truth.
But thank you so much for coming on.
We rarely have guests.
I know.
And you like just texted me and said, come on.
And, you know, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
It's like, you know, you've done that.
And Joe and Bill Burt, like people who've really reached out to help me.
And I can't, it just means a lot.
Yeah, Jessica Kearson right there on Instagram.
Yeah, it means a lot because I respect you so much and you've done something that is just incredible.
And, you know, that you texted me and said you should be selling out stadiums.
You should.
And everybody believes that.
And you will be.
It's just people figuring it out, you know, and just basically, you know, coming around, you know?
Yeah.
Prescription Dreams and Massive Fans00:02:09
And but, but I, I mean, I watch you tonight at the Laugh Factory.
And again, it's like, I mean, Ben is such a massive fan of you.
And every time you're in town, we go watch you, you know?
Yeah.
We go watch you.
And then, you know, we're like, thank God.
I'm like, thank God I don't have to follow Jessica.
I could just go yell in a room.
Well, you kill too.
I do good.
Thank God.
I mean, people don't want to follow you either.
I mean, we have strong acts.
We fucking command a room.
And that's, you know, people don't want to follow you either.
The concern for me has always been When people see me on stage, they go, I've always felt, I think the struggle that I have is being too hot to get laughs.
That is word on the street.
Where people see me and they go, he doesn't need it.
I know.
You know what I mean?
They go, he doesn't need this.
The problem is when you're that attractive, people are looking at you and want to fuck you.
My dermatologist called me today just to check up.
So that's where I'm at.
I had a dermatologist call me from Orange County to just check up on me.
He goes, I've seen your Instagram.
You have something going on on your face.
Oh, my God.
That's not good.
No, I swear to God, it's a dermatologist from Orange County.
He goes, something's going on on your face.
We should biopsy it.
I go, oh, that's nice.
I said, I'm on the road.
Can we do it later?
He goes, yeah, but I'll call in a prescription.
So he called it a prescription to Ralph's in the ghetto.
And I went and got a prescription and I put it on my face tonight.
I don't know what it is.
It's probably...
Yeah, so I mean, that's where I'm at.
In the ghetto.
Yeah, no, he calls prescriptions in.
I think he wants me to kill him.
He wants me to get killed because he's always trying to save me money.
You go to get your skin medication, get shot in that.
Yeah, no, he's always trying to save me money.
So he like calls in scripts to like these like horrible places.