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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time
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Tanks, Nazis, and Nuclear War00:11:59
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show live from our studio here in Kyiv, Ukraine, where we have moved the show.
We followed Joe Rogan to the Ukraine, which was stupid in hindsight.
But in the beginning, it sounded very good because he said he was going to do a comedy scene in Eastern Europe in Kyiv, which he said was what he did in LA.
And he said you could easily replicate that in Kyiv.
That was the bitch, right?
That was the idea.
He goes, we'd do Kill Tony from Kyiv, and then you come, and then everybody will move to Kyiv, and it'll be fun.
That's what we thought, but egg on our faces, because now we're here, and there's Russians with tanks in circling us, unfortunately.
We'll start with a war report up front.
It's not good there, but the Russians, they underestimated the Ukrainians because the Ukrainians are tough people and they're not easily occupiable.
They're not an easily occupied people.
You know, Jesse Signal, Herzog's partner, they do an unimportant show at an unimportant place, but he had tweeted something to that effect that it's going to be a little tougher to occupy these people than you think.
They're not friendly over there, really, right?
They're just blowing up these tanks, and Putin's just trying to help these people and get the Nazis out of the country.
And they're angry at this.
And it's weird.
They don't even like see the bigger picture.
They're running around.
They're attacking Russian soldiers.
They're blowing up troops.
It's crazy because Putin's saying there's Nazis over there and we're just trying to get rid of them because we don't like the Nazis.
And the Ukrainian people are, you know, everybody thought, you know, Putin and myself and others were like, when he goes in there, they're going to go, thank God someone noticed these Nazis here.
Let's get rid of them, you know?
And speaking from America, a country with no Nazis ever, never.
No, we had nothing to do with building the Third Reich.
We had nothing to do with commingling our financial systems with Hitler at all, at all.
Don't even think it.
And we are just, we hate Nazism in America.
We hate fascism.
We hate it.
That's why we do the military flyovers at the football games because fascism to us is like no good.
But they do have some Nazis.
Now, obviously, I'm being a little facetious, Google it.
But they do have some Nazis over there in that Azov battalion, which is not good because they're doing the Sikh hiling and they're into the, they like the Azov battalion.
And so Facebook is now allowing praise of neo-Nazi Ukrainian battalion if it fights Russian invasion.
This is like the Patrice O'Neill bit.
You have Sexual Harassment Day.
Facebook's just got to reserve a day for everyone to praise the Nazi of their choice.
Whether it's the Azov Battalion or someone in America, you should have a day to praise the Nazi of your choice on Facebook.
There should be one day, just like Patrice said about sexual harassment.
You would go in, you go, I can harass you today.
I think you should be able to praise a Nazi on Facebook for one day out of the year.
I think it's fair.
And it shouldn't only have to be the Azov Battalion.
It could be your neighbor who showed you some weird, cool World War II paraphernalia that he's got.
And he's, you know, you could say, hey, man, my neighbor Chucks is a Nazi and today's his day.
I respect the hell out of him.
He takes in my mail when I'm gone, but he's literally a Nazi.
Not all of his ideas are great, clearly, but he's kind of a cool dude.
I think that's good.
Facebook's now allowing for people to just call for violence against Ukraine, against Russians.
Facebook's allowing people to just basically, the social media company is temporarily allowing some posts that call for death to Russian President Vladimir Putin or Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko.
Well, that's not right.
According to internal emails and content moderators, they're basically saying, let them have it.
Let them have it.
As a result of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, we have temporarily made allowances for forms of political expression that would normally violate our rules, like violent speech, such as death to Russian invaders.
We still won't allow credible calls for violence against Russian civilians.
Now, who decides what's credible and what's not?
There's a large chunk of Russians living in the Ukraine.
So by allowing this type of stuff, you might be fomenting some type of civil war, which is not what Mark Zuckerberg intended.
He just wanted to get his dick wet.
He wanted a cool, exclusive.
And by the way, could anything be less exclusive than Facebook?
But that's how you make billions of dollars, right?
You give up the exclusivity.
You let everybody in.
You start it out.
You're like, I just want hot singles that are going places that can communicate with each other.
And then later on, you're fomenting a civil war in the Ukraine.
And you don't even know how it happens, but it just does.
What a life.
Now, citing the Reuters story, Russia's embassy in the U.S. demanded that Washington stop the, quote, extremist activities of Meta.
The temporary policy changes on calls for violence to Russian soldiers apply to Armenia, Azerbaijan, Estonia, Georgia.
Okay, I feel like I'm reading an ad.
The promo code is not applicable in Armenia, Azerbaijan, Estonia, Georgia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Romania, Russia, Slovakia, and Ukraine.
Except for Donbass.
And so now the White House, because there's this propaganda in the war, everybody has their take on things, right?
There's people in America that think that we have, of course, two groups of very rational people here.
People that believe that Putin is cool because he's restoring the greatness to the white Christian nation of Russia, which again, historically has been incredibly godless.
But Putin, who's devoutly religious now, who was a Soviet his entire life, but, you know, a godless Soviet.
But some people believe that it's cool because we are the godless West and there's drag queens are reading the cat in a hat and we got all kinds of problems here.
And Putin's a strong man and he's not woke.
That's some people.
They go, we like him.
Who cares that no one there has any money and they die at 60?
Doesn't matter.
They're not woke.
And then we have the other people, the other half of that, again, we have the people that are like, he's great.
This is great.
The deaths of women, children, men, everybody, elderly people, the displacement of people.
It's all cool.
And it's all justified because, you know, they don't have to sit through Oscar's speeches that bring up politics, you know, because he's not woke.
So this is, it's ultimately not woke, right?
To invade a country.
It's like the least woke thing you could do, I guess, is to invade with tanks.
And then the other group of people we have here, again, very rational, just go, we just need a nuclear war to show the support.
Like we need a no-fly zone, which brings us into direct conflict with Putin.
And those people are going, okay, maybe we'll do a 10-year civil war where we arm the Ukraine, not fight with them or for them, but we arm them with our weapons that they buy and we arm them and we just create Syria in Eastern Europe, you know?
And then there's people that go, that's not good enough.
We need nukes.
We need to do a real nuclear exchange here.
We need to push Putin and see how far he can go.
Isolate him, sanction him, put his back to the wall, and let's see if he'll really push the button.
We got some sick fucks here.
So those are the two crews.
We have Putin's awesome.
This is great.
We love this.
Thank God for this.
And then the other side of the people that go, hey, let's have a nuclear war to show our support for the Ukraine.
Nothing shows our support more than a nuclear exchange.
Both of those aren't helpful.
And I was going to talk about this too.
The White House is briefing TikTok stars about the war in Ukraine.
With millions getting their information about the war from TikTok, the administration wants to get its message to the top content creators.
This is what I talked about.
Whatever you think of what Russia did here, whether you think it was justified by the expansion of NATO, with Slavozek at a good point.
He's like, this whole idea is like, yes, some of that led to it, but like this whole idea that countries should have like a sphere of influence isn't like any type of principled leftism or whatever.
Not that this is a leftist show, but it may be today.
It started out as a Nazi show, and it may be a leftist show.
And then by the end, it's a Nazi show again to cover all the internet.
And then in the beginning, we give you a little neoliberal sushi in the middle, just a little like fun dating taps.
And then we oscillate between fascists and communists.
But so the TikTok, because here's what's happening in Ukraine and people don't understand it.
Nothing, it's not conventional war is boring.
No one cares.
It held our attention for 72 hours at most.
Couple of missiles, you see the tank, you got the cell phone video, and then the people, all the refugees are running in the ratty little sweaters.
It's sad and we hate it.
No good.
But after a while, it gets a little like, okay, it's taxing.
What do you really want me to do?
Well, I've been there, done that.
We get it.
It's dated.
It's retro.
War is retro.
It's dated, frankly.
It's not exciting in the sense that, you know, the images that are coming out of there, it's very European.
It's very World War II.
It's very period peace.
Even the clothes they're wearing, nothing's new, nothing's modern.
So I'm not really connected to it.
I'm not connecting to it.
I'm not connecting to it.
I'm like, okay, yeah, I get it, what you're doing.
And I understand the tanks and the weapons and the standards and the, but it just feels more like a World War II film that I didn't see and someone said I should have, but I didn't.
And that's the problem because there is no content.
Putin does not have a content strategy.
He's got some of the alt-right on his side in America.
And we've got some, you know what I mean?
He's got a few people, but he doesn't really have a content strategy.
Now, one thing you could say about America, we don't educate our people.
They die on the streets.
We don't give them retirement.
We let billionaires pillage us and then we worship them.
We do a lot of horrible things.
We have a massive chaos in the city.
We have a crime problem that makes third world country murder numbers look good.
We have organized gangs.
We have militias storming our government buildings.
We have congressmen insider trading selling stocks.
We have an insane amount of corruption.
We have a nexus of national security agencies that are in bed with business people and private defense contractors inching us closer to nuclear war every single minute.
However, we do content, baby.
We make content, as Gary Vee says, we don't slack off on the content.
And if you do, you'll see it in your numbers.
And that's what we're seeing here with Putin is that he went in there with tanks and missiles thinking it was going to matter, but it doesn't because he doesn't have a content strategy.
The physical world doesn't matter nearly as much as the digital world.
I've been saying this on Joe Rogan.
I've been ringing this bell and no one listens to me.
I can't get anything going on.
The Nelt people have a Trump on.
getting dodged by Tulsi Gabbard.
I can't even get Tulsi Gabbard on there in Mar-a-Lago with Trump.
I can't even get Tulsi Gabbard here.
Putin's Content Strategy Failure00:14:49
And I promised her caviar and Russian vodka.
And she won't come in.
I said that to her.
I said, you come in here and do whatever pro-red thing you want.
I don't care.
We do a whole thing for you.
We bring her in, give her caviar a little Russian vodka, and we played a Soviet national anthem on repeat.
Now, I don't think she's a Russian asset, but it's just funny to imagine that she is.
It's funny to think that she is.
And I hope she is because good for her.
You got to do something.
Hey, a career in this business ain't easy.
Okay.
I've been doing it a long time.
And whether she's a Russian asset or not, she's out there making content.
Now, because, so Jen Saki, who's an idiot, by the way, she's an idiot.
She's a ginger.
Everything about her is wrong.
I don't know why we, why don't they have a black woman doing press secretary that delivers like fun like, you better recognize like, why not that?
Why don't we have like a fun black woman who's like, you better ask somebody like quick, off the cuff, just burn you.
Like only a black woman could do.
But we got this pale white bitch.
She's like, wow, actually, fun black woman as press secretary.
That's what I think.
Thursday afternoon, 30 TikTok stars, top TikTok stars gathered on a Zoom call to receive key information about the war unfolding in Ukraine.
National Security Council staffers in White House.
Press Secretary Jen Saki briefed the influencers about the United States strategic goals in the region and answered questions.
I mean, can you imagine?
Can you imagine, by the way, the questions?
Like they're answering questions.
Can you imagine like, yeah.
So, yeah, the can.
What's like, what's, what do they like, do?
What are they, where are they, like, big?
Are they like, are they like big on insta?
Are they like, what are they, what are they doing?
Who like, are they sponsored?
Do they have a brand deal with Morph?
When Morph kicked off James Charles, did they, did they deal with the Ukraine?
Is the Ukraine a cosmetics company?
Is the Ukraine a company that will sponsor me?
I mean, can you imagine these people and their questions?
They're answering questions.
By the way, there's got to be something that Jen Saki is more important in her day than answering the questions of 15-year-old brain-dead TikTok idiots.
There's got to be something going on, but probably not.
So they just wanted to brief the influencers about the United States, strategic goals and the region and answer questions about distributing aid to Ukrainians.
So like, from what I understand, like, this is about pipelines and ports.
And like, Jen Saki had a Zoom call with us and she told us about like, she went into like a lot of really cool stuff about like spheres of influence.
And like, I have a sphere of influence too.
And that's like what I've always said.
And it's just because when I started making content, I was four and my parents really helped me.
But then like by the time I was 12, I was like literally one of the biggest people on the platform.
And my sphere of influence is huge because like I helped so many other young creators and their journeys.
And like I don't even talk about it because it's not important.
The White House has been closely watching TikTok's rise as a dominant news source, leading to his decision to approach a select group of platforms' most influential names.
Can we get who they were?
Do we know who they are?
Yeah, so they listen throughout this article.
So this is the first guy, Khalil Green.
Khalil Green.
Okay.
I mean, but some of these guys have like 500,000 followers.
They don't have shit.
The real TikTokers are out here in LA.
These are the people you need getting involved.
You need the D'Amilio sisters.
You don't need people doing news on TikTok.
You need to find these teenagers and people in their early 20s shaking their ass.
You got to get them talking about the Ukraine.
You got to get Tanamojo doing Ukraine on the tits.
This doesn't help anybody.
The briefing was led by Matt Miller, a special advisor for communications of the White House National Security Council and Saki.
The Washington Post obtained a recording of the call, and in it, Biden officials stressed the power of these creators.
Quote, we recognize this is a critically important avenue in the way the American public is finding out about the latest, said Rob Flaherty.
So we wanted to make sure you had the latest information from an authoritarian, authoritative source.
See, this is the whole game here with the misinformation.
Everybody's got to stop with the, you know, this is the new thing now.
They worked with dozens of top TikTok stars last year to encourage the vaccination.
So this is what's happening.
So now, whether you agree with the vaccination, what you're seeing is the White House is co-opting our greatest minds and using them against us.
The White House is going to TikTok and using our greatest minds and polluting them with propaganda.
Now, whether that propaganda is good, bad, indifferent, whether it's warranted or not, this is what the White House is doing.
They are trying to co-opt TikTok.
And this is something we should watch.
This is important.
People don't think it's important.
But this is the content strategy that Putin lacks.
Some of these Russian TikTok stars should also be, he should be having a call with the Russian TikToks.
Can you imagine explaining that to Putin?
Going, I know you come from like another era.
He's like, listen to me.
Can you sit down for a minute?
I understand all of that.
I understand your concerns about the convoy.
But here's really what it is.
We need you to call into Red Scare.
Red Skit.
Do you watch succession?
Do you want?
Listen, it's the missiles.
It's irrelevant.
I'm asking you right now: are you unfamiliar with Red Scare or are you just pretending to be unfamiliar with it?
Listen, you need to call in there and get your point of view across.
Okay?
Yeah, they're like from Red Scare.
They like one of them's families, like from there.
So like now, and by the way, I want to speak about these oligarchs too for a little bit because this is very troubling to me.
I want you to Google Alisher Usmanov.
These people are being treated like second-class citizens.
Look at this man.
This is a man after my own heart.
Look at this man.
Okay.
This guy, and get his yacht up.
He looks like Stavros a little.
This guy's yacht.
Look at this man's yacht.
Look at this yacht.
Look at this.
Dilbar, the world's largest motor yacht, is owned by Aliser Uzmanov.
They are making these people flee on these yachts.
Italy has taken two of them, I believe, two of these yachts, and they are, you know, what's the term here?
They're impounding them or they're confiscating them.
I would say impounding them.
They haven't really arrested anybody or anything, but they just take it.
Two days ago, here are the mega yachts belonging to Russian oligarchs.
Let's go through the, oh, no, it's business insider.
I don't even want to get, well, I don't like them, but they wanted to run a hit piece on me and they didn't.
Oh, right.
They didn't, because the guy ended up quitting.
But Italy seizes Russian oligarch's $530 million mega yacht.
We're talking Euros, but I mean, let's talk about this here because I don't know that I'm for this.
I'm a big fan of the mega yacht.
The problem with the mini yacht is there's never enough outdoor space.
Have you seen these yachts?
Because a lot of the yachts, what you do is it's so luxurious inside, but there's not a ton of outdoor space.
And when you are boating, you want a lot of sun and you want a lot of space.
And with a lot of the yachts, and you could spend 80, 90 million on a boat, and you still don't get the outdoor space you need.
What's great about a mega yacht is the proportion, the proportions of the boat, you do get more outdoor space.
Italy's financial police seized a $530 million super yacht belonging to Russian oligarch Andrei Igorovich Melenchenko.
A spokesperson for the Italian government said today the vessel was seized on Friday in the northeastern port of Trieste, among the world's largest.
He's one of the oligarchs subject to sanctions following Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
According to the EU, he, quote, belongs to the most influential circle of Russian business people with close connections to the Russian government.
As such, he is in, quote, in economic sectors providing a substantial source of revenue to the government.
But they're not taking these yachts to the Ukraine and using them to launch attacks.
These are not boats designed for war.
They're boats designed for pleasure.
So my question is, this is clearly not military artillery.
Are we just doing this to make their lives difficult?
Alex Shra Uzmanov, he said he was quoted.
He goes, I'm not even what you'd call an oligarch.
Get that up.
He goes, I don't even know what this is.
He goes, I'm like confused here.
I mean, this is great.
I mean, this is here, right here.
Where does he say it?
Right here.
Right here, yeah.
Never.
He goes, he goes, listen, I was never what you could call an oligarch.
The Russian billionaire worked with Putin, his Premier League plans and making a fortune in the 90s.
And this is from January.
So this guy, and this wasn't even during the war.
Right.
You know, but he's like, hey, man, he's got like 17 billion.
He's like, I don't even know what this is about, bro.
Like, I love this guy.
Let's get another image of him.
Yeah, he's great.
He's phenomenal.
And what is my beef?
Like, I don't know that I have a beef with him.
And I don't know that we have to take his yacht.
I mean, this is a guy.
Is there a person out there that I'm going to get along with better than this guy?
This is the problem with politics.
Is there someone that I would have a better time at a dinner with than this man?
The answer is no.
This guy or Zelensky at a dinner.
No-brainer.
No brainer.
They're freezing the guy's assets.
He's probably got a little on the side, I hope.
God, I hope he's got a little on the side.
He has assets frozen by EU over ties to Putin.
It's just unfortunate.
By the way, so Zelensky right now, he keeps calling for the no-fly zone, calling for jets.
He's calling for things that you go, hey, man, we can't do any of this.
And he still just won't stop.
And we support Ukraine.
They should be able to determine their own future.
They're a sovereign country.
And I think the invasion is monstrous.
But I also believe that you can't keep asking for a World War III.
You got to take a deal here, buddy.
Take a deal.
Of course, you're not going to like the deal, but that's okay.
Take a deal.
And by the way, I want you to get up something right now because everybody's like, oh, do we do?
What do we do?
I want you to get up a word document right now because I believe in the power of the sternly worded letter.
I've always believed that.
Think of when you were coming home.
You know when a teacher tucked a letter in your pocket or your backpack that had to go to your mother?
How terrified were you on the bus?
You were terrified.
And then you got home.
Maybe you were a latchkey kid and you got to go.
It's like going home with the report card when there is a note that you know your mother has to read from the teacher and you can't even open it and you don't know what it really says.
And sometimes you know what it says because you watch the teacher write it and you're like, if I don't give it to my mother, I'm more than fucked because the teacher is going to call because the teacher will tell you I'm calling to make sure she read it.
Dear Vladimir Putin.
Right now.
Because enough's enough.
Dear Vladimir Putin.
Hey, buddy.
Now what hey buddy does is right off the bat, he's wondering, is the, are they, is, am I really his buddy?
Because when someone says, hey, buddy, it's kind of aggressive.
Do you know what I mean?
Sure.
Like your brother says it nicely.
He was a hey buddy.
But a lot of people don't.
Hey, buddy, it's kind of like, it's kind of like kind of an aggro move, right?
So you go, hey, buddy.
So right off the bat, right off the bat, he's on the defensive.
Hey, buddy, next line.
Okay.
The war in Ukraine.
You don't do that, Ben.
You indent.
Don't you know how to write?
Well, we already did deer, so then we, did we do another indent, I guess?
Yeah, well, because hey, buddy is its own thing.
Okay, okay.
Hey, buddy, the war in Ukraine is ridiculous.
Okay.
This is not your best moment.
In fact, it's literally one of your worst.
It's not so much the bombing or the shelling.
Ben, can you fix it?
Sorry.
It's not so much the bombing or the shelling of civilian, of heavily civilian areas.
If anyone understands that, we do LOL.
Because you want to also build rapport.
If anyone understands that, we do LOL.
F***ing Everybody's Money Up00:02:41
The reality is that this is now fucking with everybody's money.
And we know that was never your goal.
But that is what is happening.
So please cut it out before we're all broke and no one has enough money to kill.
Signed.
Barry Weiss.
Sign it, Barry Weiss.
Read it back.
Dear Vladimir Putin, hey, buddy, the war in Ukraine is ridiculous.
This is not your best moment.
In fact, it's literally one of your worst.
It's not so much the bombing or the shelling of heavily civilian areas.
If anyone understands that, we do.
LOL.
The reality is that this is now fucking with everybody's money.
And we know that was never your goal, but that is what is happening.
So please cut it out.
Before we are all broke and no one has enough money to kill.
Signed, Barry Weiss.
You're telling me that has no effect?
I doubt it.
You're telling me that has no effect if it goes over there and he realizes what he's doing.
He's fucking with everybody's money.
We're all trying to build death machines here.
We're all trying to do it.
We're all trying to run Ponzi schemes in the financial sector.
We're all trying to bilk sick people for insulin money.
We're all trying to fuck over the poor.
And we're all trying to do this.
And this guy's getting in the way now because he's fucking our money up.
With the gas prices high, how are we going to drive all the kids to the private prisons?
You know how much it costs now to drive a group of kids to a private prison.
You know, the cost of everything's going to go up, not just gas, plastics, metals.
The restraints that we put those kids in ain't cheap.
The materials to make the restraints that we put our children in when we ship them to a private prison are not free.
So this is fucking everybody's money up.
When we fly some mission to go bomb someone, is that gas on the house?
Fired for Reading About Butts00:07:02
No.
Okay?
When the police are doing ride-alongs in different neighborhoods looking for people to kill, they have to have gas as well.
Do you understand that?
Are you not with that?
Or is something wrong with you?
Okay?
When a realtor drives a young couple around so she can trick them into buying a house they can't afford and they take out a mortgage that they can't pay back and they spend the next 10 or 20 years of their life mired in hopeless depression and addictions to just drag themselves out of bed to go to the jobs they hate to spend the money to pay that mortgage while their children are literally masturbating on OnlyFans for money.
Who puts the gas in the car to get that going?
So what I'd like you to do, Mr. Vladimir Putin, is realize how hard it is for everybody to participate in the society that we've set up here with a high price of fuel.
It's unfortunate.
I want to read about this thing.
A guy got fired for reading a book about butts.
Really?
Yes.
He read a book about butts to a couple of second graders and they fired him.
It's in the New York Times, which I got, I hope you're subscribed to it or you're getting hit.
No, I did it all.
Did you subscribe to the Cleveland Plane Dealer?
That one I did not.
That one I did not.
The Cleveland Plane Dealer.
It's a real paper.
When I go when I do hilarities and I go eat at Sliman's where they get you a corned beef sandwich at 8 a.m.
And then they have the Cleveland Plane Dealer there.
You could get corned beef ash or you could get a Reuben and they give you the Cleveland Plane Dealer.
There's a great photo on my Instagram of pancakes at Sliman's on the Cleveland Plane Dealer.
Toby Price, an assistant principal at an elementary school in Mississippi, read a book called I Need a New Butt to children, read the book to a glass of second graders over Zoom.
I'm a firm believer that reluctant readers need the silly, funny books to hook them in.
And they fired this guy.
This is what I mean.
Things are starting to get crazy.
It was Read Across America Week, and the second graders in the Heinz Hinns Heinz, who cares, school district in Mississippi that's underfunded.
We're waiting for an administrator to read to them.
The administrator has forgotten it was her turn, said Toby Price, the assistant principal at Gary Road Elementary School in Heinz County, who was in his office at the time.
He decided to fill in.
So Mr. Price, 46, quickly grabbed the book, quote, I Need a New Butt by Dawn McMillan, one of his children's favorites, and began reading it to the roughly 240 second graders over Zoom.
Later that day, on March 2nd, the district superintendent, Delicia Martin, called him into her office and told him he was on administrative leave.
Mr. Price said he was fired two days later, accused of violating the standards of conduct section of the Mississippi Educator Code of Et.
Now, they probably think it's a trans book in Mississippi.
What do you mean you need a new butt?
You got the butt that God gave you.
Trans people aren't even getting new butts.
But she said the book was inappropriate.
The superintendent called the book inappropriate.
She particularly took issue with the references to farting in the story and how, quote, the book described butts in various colors, shapes, and sizes.
Example, fireproof, bulletproof, bomb-proof.
And Ms. Martin called Mr. Price unprofessional for having selected the book.
This guy's been an educator for 20 years.
He has hired a lawyer and he's going to fight this.
But this is how crazy it's getting out there.
This is a little wacky.
Can you get this book up?
I need a new butt, and let's see how bad this is.
Maybe I'm wrong.
This is one of those things where I could have egg on my face when we get to page three of the book and we realize it is crazy.
I need a new butt.
A young boy suddenly notices he has a big problem.
His butt has a huge crack.
So he sets off to find a new one.
So here's the, it's a silly book.
This isn't a young boy finds out he has a big problem that he doesn't want his cock anymore.
It's that his butt is a crack, which all butts do.
That's the bit.
Will he choose an armor-plated butt, a rocket butt, a robot butt?
Find out in this quirky tale of a quirky tale of a tale.
Get it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which features hilarious rhymes and delightful illustration.
Is there any way we can read a little bit of this?
Is there a preview?
Let's preview it.
Okay.
So this is the book that this guy was fired for reading to the kids, which I don't understand.
I Need a New Butt by Dawn McMillan, illustrated by Russ Kinnerd.
Okay.
Again, there's a boy.
He's looking at his butt and he goes in the mirror.
I need a new butt.
Mine's got a crack in it.
The CIA put crack in black communities in the 80s and then denied responsibility for it.
Okay, well, this now is a little different than what I was led to believe.
I thought this was mainly a fun book about butt cracks.
All right, let's go to page two.
I'm sure it gets better.
Okay.
Did I do it on a slide?
He's going down a water slide.
Where he got the crack in his butt.
Right.
Or on the banister inside.
Or when I jumped my BMX or with the fart that happened next.
Of course, the fart.
That's what blew my butt apart.
Split the thing clean in two.
Now I wonder what to do.
I don't really trust the Jews.
This is not, see, this is the problem.
They sneak in.
They sneak in these little things.
I need a new one, a green one or a blue one, but not a brown one.
See, I don't, again, obviously I'm being silly and stupid.
This is a fine book.
And can you believe this guy got fired for this?
He was fired for reading a dumb, silly book because he wanted the kids to be interested in it.
He goes, listen, you can't read the war and peace.
McDonald's ice cream woes have inspired memes.
We've done that already.
That just caught my eye.
They're bringing this back, I guess?
Well, I just, you know, see, the whole thing is McDonald's a malfunctioning ice cream machine, but we all know what it is.
Genuinely Trans Kids vs. Fake Cock00:10:24
They have to clean it.
It takes a long time to clean.
I mean, supposedly, but that's the party line.
That's the company story here.
But we don't know if that's true or not.
Oh, that company's suing McDonald's now.
Okay.
What, which company?
That makes the ice cream kids.
You have to manufacture that.
Why are they suing?
They're saying you stop lying to people.
It's accusing the chain of working with the Taylor Company, the manufacturer of its ice cream machines, to libel quiche while simultaneously trying to copy its technology.
You can't trust McDonald's.
Ron DeSantis, by the way, is at a war with Disney over the Don't Say Gay Bill because he said Disney's woke.
And the Don't Say Gay Bill, by the way, I have a funny bit on it now on stage, but from what I looked into it, it's just you can't instruct the kids on gender theory before they're three or something.
Kindergarten.
To second grade.
Yeah, who disagrees with that, really?
Who needs, what are we doing?
And there already wasn't a curriculum in place in that stage.
Yeah, so it's like don't bring in a new curriculum to teach people that to teach seven-year-olds about gender.
It just doesn't need to happen, right?
It doesn't need to happen.
Nobody thinks it needs to happen.
But this really gets to the heart of the problem where there is this argument that I would be very sympathetic to, that a lot of kids, when they are young, that experience some type of gender dysphoria, if it's not major gender dysphoria, a lot of them will end up just kind of being gay, perhaps.
They will not feel the need to physically alter themselves.
Some will.
Some are probably genuinely 100% trans.
But if a six-year-old wears a dress, they could be experimenting, having fun, maybe they end up being gay.
It may not be something that is really indicative of how they want to live the rest of their life.
I think that's a pretty rational, sane position.
I don't think it's a crazy TERF, insane position, which again is another word that we've made up to just, if you recognize any biological difference between a man and a woman, you're a TERF.
And again, the vast majority of people do recognize those differences.
And that isn't at all a rejection of trans identity or trying to hurt trans people.
Now, there are some people that make it their entire brand.
They speak about nothing except the differences between men and women, which is, you know, it's maybe a little suspect, a little sus, where it's like the only thing you talk about over and over again.
And they do it on both sides by the, well, where are the trans people in the Ukraine going to go?
And it's just every single minute is trans, trans, trans, gender.
Are there D-transitioners in the Ukraine?
What about them?
What about the people who cut their tits off of the Ukraine and want their tits back?
And you go, why is this every day, all day, every minute, every minute?
Every second of the day, we're doing this over and over again, because I guess it's just, this is some people's beat.
And I understand.
And there's people that have written really interesting stuff about it.
And I understand that.
And it does seem to be more and more of the culture.
It's more and more of an issue.
People are fighting about it more and more.
And I'm a very who cares person on this because number one, I don't have children.
Number two, if I had children, I would, you know, I would not want them altering their bodies until they were old enough really to fully make that conscious choice.
And I've said that before.
I don't think that's a trans exclusionary point of view.
Now, are there parents that would disagree with me and go, no, my child genuinely feels that going through puberty would be abuse.
And they, and, and, and because they are super trans, there should be a council to just decide if your kid's really trans.
Like there should be a, like a council of people that go like, you are legit.
There are some kids that are trade.
If there's like a four-year-old with like a beard and she's like, yup, bro, what up?
I'm like, all right, just let her not have the tits.
But a lot of them, you feel like they're just experimenting.
You know, I could have been trans when I was young.
Like I had like very like feminine qualities.
You know, a lot of people do.
I still do.
Most men I know have feminine qualities now.
Like, and they have sex with women.
So this idea that reducing everything to this very simplistic understanding of everything, I just, I just, I get a little worried when the pharmaceutical companies get in bed with everybody and they go, they need these and that and the hormones and the pills.
And some kids do.
Some kids are genuinely trans.
And there needs to be a way to decide that.
Like, why doesn't J.K. Rowling, instead of just, again, with the man, woman, man, woman, do a new Harry Potter book about a council of people who decides which wizards are trans or not when they're children?
You know that hat where you go to Gryffindor or Swither because the sorting hat knows you better than you know you.
Well, we need a sorting hat for trans kids to find out who's really in and who's out because you can't get, well, you can't get the tits back, right?
You could get implants.
Can't you just get it back anyway?
Can't you just explain to the kids if you don't want titties, but you might get the titties later.
But then the problem is you take all the hormones and you're like, oh.
But I think if the top stop taking them, it'll wear off too.
But I don't know.
Maybe these hormones and pills aren't nearly as effective as I think they are.
Yeah, you have to keep taking them.
You have to.
It's a regimen, I believe.
I don't want to speak for the transformation.
But so let's say you're a kid and you transition, kind of.
But I guess that does fuck up your body if you don't go through natural puberty for sure.
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, that's right.
But my whole thing is this, like, I'm almost a fan of the take a tit, leave a tit model.
You ever see the take a book, leave a book?
It's our last episode.
But do you ever see what I mean here, take a book, leave a book?
Where usually the crazy old librarian witch women will put out a bowl of books like outside of their homes or outside of some place of business or something.
And there'll be a take a book, leave a book.
And the idea there is that you take a book and replenish it with a book that maybe you finished to promote reading in the community.
I'm almost a fan of the take a tit, leave a tit, where can we make it easier and cheaper for people to just get tits whenever they want or take tits away?
Because the problem is how expensive this all is.
Isn't that the issue here?
Isn't it expensive?
Because you can't just walk in there and get the poon made into a peen.
It's a little bit of dough.
Mark Norman had a great joke.
He's like, you call a lot of these people braved.
Caitlin Jenner's brave.
She's just rich.
It was a Mark Norman joke.
Brilliant joke where it was like, it's not, some people just don't have that ability, is my point.
Because insurance doesn't cover these procedures often, right?
For sure.
But my thing is, it gets messy when it's kids because kids don't know what they're doing.
You know, they don't know.
The kids don't really know, and they might regret it.
Some of them might regret it.
Some of them do regret it, right?
There's all these detransitioners.
Katie Herzog's written 15 novels about detransitioners and they've been translated into many different languages.
She wrote a War and Peace style novel in Russian about D-transitioners.
It was War and Peace, but what if everyone had D-transition?
They were trans and they went back.
So that's my whole thing on this.
I think kids need to be kids.
I think adults need to leave kids alone.
We have a weird society now where adults are all over children and telling them what to do and who to be and how to believe.
I think children need to figure out who they are.
I think kids are going to figure out if they're gay, if they're trans.
They need to figure that out with their own life.
I don't think that we need to impose a value system on children that are too young to completely understand what decisions they're making.
I've said it a million times.
I'm just wondering if there's a happy medium.
I'll take a tit, leave a tit.
Is there a happy meal?
What about instead of the operation, let them dress?
What about realistic prosthetics?
Here we go.
Give them a cock that's like a fake cock.
Oh, right?
Like Mr. Potato Header.
Like, yes.
Instead of doing anything medical, give them jelly tits or a fake cock or something.
No, I'm dead serious.
It's funny because you can laugh at it, but instead of doing something that's irreversible, why don't you give them like a more realistic bot, like a suit to wear?
Is that not a good idea?
Like, oh, you think you're a dude?
Here's a fake cock.
Now, in a few years, you might want a real cock, or you might take this off and go, I don't want the fake cock anymore.
It's not a bad idea.
Has anyone pitched this?
Probably.
But it's a happy medium, right?
If your son wants to be a chick, instead of doing something irreversible medically, do like a Ms. Doubtfire every morning where you make him into the woman he wants to be.
If you had a son, it'd kind of be, I mean, listen, unless you're really homophobic.
And I'm sure not every dad would be thrilled about.
Not every dad would be thrilled about making your son doing your son drag every morning.
But it could be fun.
You buy him little the leopard coat and, you know, you don't want to make it buffoonish, but they shouldn't be without style.
Now, is that a happy medium?
Now, like, and the dad might not like it as the dad's putting the wig on and doing the makeup.
And the mom might go, listen, you think this is, you don't like this?
Well, the other option is something irreversible medical that we can't afford.
And the dad goes, I guess you're right.
And he adjusts the wig and he puts a lipstick.
I mean, literally, who cares?
I'm one of the most progressive people when it comes to gender because I don't care.
Men, women, hermaphrodites.
UK Tour Dates Announced00:02:33
I've had friends that I consider hermaphrodites, even though they're not.
I have friends where like, I know women with like beards.
I've been friends with like women with beards.
Me and Giannis used to talk about like Italian women in Long Island are all kind of trans.
They're like, they're all very masculine.
Like this whole idea of disgended is this rigid thing.
I do find antiquated nowadays.
So I'm just wondering if there's a happy medium or if there is not a happy medium.
Don't I don't really know anyway.
Let's plug some of these dates because this is the end of the tour.
It's the end of the road.
And then I'm transitioning to someone who's not on the road.
Brea Improv on Sunday.
Come out, California in the mall at Brea.
We're having fun.
Wednesday, March 16th, some tickets available for Toronto.
March 18th, Baltimore, Maryland.
Saturday, March 19th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Thursday, March 24th, Nashville, Tennessee.
Saturday, March 26th, Denver.
Special taping.
Early show, late show.
Wednesday, March 30th, Glasgow, Scotland.
Saturday, April 6th.
Go to Scotland.
Buy those tickets.
We're not doing great over there, please.
Saturday, April, Dublin, early and late shows in Ireland.
Then Monday, April 4th, the UK.
Wednesday, April 4th, the UK.
I'm sorry, Monday, Wednesday, April 6th, UK.
April 6th, late show in the UK.
Here are some new dates.
Thursday, Jacksonville, Florida at the Florida Theater.
Friday, April 15th, Charlotte, North Carolina.
April 16th, New Orleans, Louisiana.
April 17th, Dallas, Texas.
April 18th, Austin, Texas.
God help us.
April 21st, the Chicago Theater, the home of Lightfoot, the Great.
Friday, April 22nd, Houston, Texas.
Saturday, April 23rd, Cincinnati, Ohio.
Sunday, April 24th, Northfield, Ohio.
And that is it.
And those are the dates.
And then we're going to Australia, by the way.
This is a big news.
We don't have the tickets on sale yet, but we are going the last week of April in the first week of May to Australia.
Please, it's going to be very, very exciting.
But TimDillonComedy.com, we have all the links there for you guys to get tickets for the UK and U.S. shows.
And when we put Australia on the line, we will be as well.
So we're very excited about all of that.
Summer Live Podcast Plans00:01:44
And then we're wrapping up.
And then we're going to spend spring, the summer, and really the fall chilling out on the internet, maybe building some new material.
And then we'll hit you guys later with more material, better, you know, a live show.
We're going to do the live podcast a little bit this summer.
A very small mini tour of the live podcast this summer.
Tiny little tour, five or seven cities, probably in August.
And we're just going to be doing the podcast live.
We're going to plan those shows out so me and Ben can come see you there.
As always, we appreciate you listening.
This is a great letter that should be sent to Vladimir Putin immediately if we have an interest in ending the war, which we don't.
We probably don't because everybody likes war.
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
That's what they say.
Tim J. Dillon on Instagram and Twitter.
Please follow me, patreon.com/slash the Tim Dylan show.
If you want bonus content, we upload one Patreon a week and we are doing our higher tier, the Roth Child tier.
We're doing that episode this week.
You guys will have it.
We apologize for lateness.
The problem is, of course, we've been on the road.
When the road slows down, everything's a lot easier.
We hope that everybody is doing well.
We hope that you're not too affected by the economic realities that are emerging because of this Ukraine crisis.
It's affecting all of us, whether you're an oligarch or a young detransitioned child.
Everybody needs the gas to get up and do what we do in this country, which is go through the drive-thru at raising canes.