Tim discusses the ongoing war on Ukraine, a Long Island woman wreaking havoc at open houses, and manages to get hold of a Ukrainian comedian (Vladyslav Kapytsia) who is currently at a shelter in Kyiv defending his country against Russian forces and needs our help.Support Vladyslav here and fund his efforts:https://twitter.com/vladkapytsiahttps://youtube.com/vladkapytsiahttps://instagram.com/vladkapytsiaHis podcast is on patreon only: https://patreon.com/srakadupa https://youtube.com/srakadupaOfficial Requisites for Military Help from National Bank of Ukraine: https://bank.gov.ua/en/news/all/natsionalniy-bank-vidkriv-spetsrahunok-dlya-zboru-koshtiv-na-potrebi-armiyiBack and Alive Fundraiser: https://savelife.in.ua▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬Our plugs:Bonus episodes every week:▶▶ https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshowSee Tim Live on the road:▶▶ http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS:💆THERAPY▶▶ https://www.betterhelp.com/TIMD📦 BOX OF AWESOME▶▶ http://boxofawesome.com use code TIMDILLON at checkout for 20% offMUD\WTR▶▶ https://mudwtr.com/tim use code TIM for $5 offFRESHLY▶▶Go to https://freshly.com/timdillon for 40 dollars off your first two orders.▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃:📸 Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/🐦 Twitter:https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon🌍 Tim Dillon Live Dates!:http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows📹 Subscribe to the channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC161r7ShBvMxfyzCtiSMRbgListen on Spotify!https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1woKiAazAKPWPkHjds▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▶▶ Ed McMahonbenavery33@gmail.comhttps://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬#TheTimDillonShow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Human Cost of War00:03:47
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Ukrainian special today.
We were going to have a great journalist, Mark Gagliotti, from London who writes about Putin and Russia on, but he is briefing the military and cannot make it.
So I, with comparatively far less knowledge about said issues, are going to speak for the hour.
We were trying to get an expert.
We will... potentially get him at a later date.
We've had him on the show before.
He wrote a book called The Vory, Russia's Super Mafia.
He also wrote a book called What the West Gets Wrong About Putin.
And he is one of the preeminent journalists that has expertise in that region, that area.
We don't have him.
Couldn't get him.
Wanted to get him.
Are trying to get him.
And hopefully one day will get him before Putin gets them.
Very sad what's happening in the Ukraine if you're a human being.
If the internet has not taken your humanity and it's taken many of your humanity.
If your personal brand has not eaten you alive, and it has for many of you.
If your grift knows no bounds.
No matter what you think about NATO expansion or U.S. imperialism or whatever, the CIA's misdeeds, the deep state, the Chronicles of Narnia,
the Teachers Union, whatever, whatever, you still have to say, seeing babies being moved from like an ICU to like a subway tunnel is sad.
It's a tragedy.
It's a human tragedy as all war is, right?
It's not something to celebrate.
It's not something to say, this is cool.
We enjoy this.
Fuck around and find out.
Look, Putin, look at this.
That's not the take if you're a human being.
Now, the vast majority of people on this platform are not human.
That's the point of the internet.
It's to make you less human.
And it's working very well.
Kudos to the designers of that.
Because what it does is you watch tragedies all day and you have no, you get desensitized to it every day from Walmart fights to car crashes to beheadings.
All day, every day, it's in your face and you forget that those are people and there are children.
You know, you see these Waffle House brawls.
There's kids sitting there while their parents beat the shit up.
Sure, it's a goof and it's fun.
But then you go, man, I wonder what the kids' life's going to be like.
Probably not great.
But again, you can't dissect every Waffle House video and get in the weeds and start worrying about the second generation.
Psychotic Impulse Explained00:14:08
But you should, at the very least, look at an invasion of a country by a dictator, which is what Putin is.
He's a dictator.
You know, he invaded a sovereign country, and there's a lot of mayhem and death and carnage that you're going to see.
And the Ukrainian people are brave, and they're fighting back, and they give a shit.
You know, unlike people in America who don't care about much other than themselves and their ability to consume, other countries have deep and complex histories and they care about more than their ability to go to a Buffalo Wild Wings.
We do not.
That is not part of our thing here.
So it's sad to watch all this shit unfold.
And yeah, I mean, just to give everyone a little backstory, the Ukraine, if you're not aware of what's happening, has been invaded by Russia.
We'll start there.
And the goal of that invasion is regime change.
Of course, Ukraine, part of the old Soviet Union, NATO, kind of the post-Cold War architecture of how the world is going to run, these trade alliances, military alliances, expanding NATO into the region where Russia is,
arming Ukraine, funding Ukraine, potentially admitting them to NATO, the discussion of that, was not a good geopolitical move.
It kind of put Russia in a box.
Russia then reacted in the way that Russia, a lot of people feared that Russia was going to react, which was to then take back the territory that they feel is rightfully theirs.
And you can have those conversations and talk about those are facts.
How much of that led to this decision is, we don't know.
You're not there.
I'm sure it didn't help.
But the idea here, the takeaway is not Putin's cool.
That shouldn't be the takeaway if you are a human being.
This is not a cool thing to do.
It's a brazen, you know, criminal act where you have somebody going into a country, decapitating the leadership, attempting to, bombing people, murdering civilians.
Not good when we do it.
Was it right when America's done it?
Not right when we went into Iraq or Afghanistan, stayed there for 20 years.
That misadventure in the Middle East where we were, it's not right when it's done by anybody.
But it's not cool.
I know that a lot of people think it's cool and badass to do.
You know, this is a people are happy about this.
People's lives in this country have gotten to the point where they are happy that this is happening.
And they're like, well, it's because the American military, they're too focused on trans people and being politically correct.
That's why it's happening.
Is that why it's happening?
Do you think Putin really is convinced that the American military is just like Some type of, you know, I don't know, extension of the LGBTQ, whatever community.
Do you think that's what the intel in Russia is telling them?
Do you think they're going?
I mean, it's a very stupid way to look at things that because the military is struggling with whatever type of trans issues that affect this very small percentage of the military, I think they're still focused on the amount of funding it gets, how big it is, its ability, its positioning all over the world.
You know, I don't think Putin is invading the Ukraine.
He's not worried about America because we're talking about trans people.
That's why he, that's why he's doing it.
No, he's doing it because he has more nuclear warheads than any other country in the world.
And what are we going to do?
What are we going to do?
If we were all Christian theocratic psychopaths who burned gay people at the stake, which is what these people want, you think Putin would be like, no, fuck it.
Hey, I'm not invading Ukraine.
I'm not doing it.
Now, now I'm not doing it.
No, they passed a don't say gay bill in Florida.
I'm not invading.
I don't even want Ukraine anymore.
My main goal was that Florida teachers had to out kids as gay within six weeks.
That's why, now I'm not doing, I don't even, I don't have any reason to go into Ukraine now.
They've just passed a law in America.
He convenes everybody.
They're all in Moscow.
He goes, St. Petersburg, wherever he is.
Hey, guys, they just passed a law that biological born males cannot compete in female sports.
Do you know what that means?
No, Ukraine.
No, we're not going to do it.
Because now I'm afraid of them.
Now I fear them.
I know I have all the nukes, but their moral certitude scares me.
I'm scared by that.
That terrifies me.
See, before when they were talking about trans people and letting trans people swim, I knew they were weak.
But when they flipped it, when they flipped it and went back to those 19, because if you remember, when we had all those 1950s values, we had no problems with Russia.
You remember that?
No, we didn't have any.
These are all new problems.
We never had.
Back before they were trans people or gay people, there was never any issues with ever, ever.
This is all new.
In the 50s and 60s, you know, when everybody was like eating burgers and smoking cigarettes and wearing jeans and they were all at the hop.
Everybody was driving 57 Chevies and gay people had to shut up and black people had to shut up and trans people had to shut up.
Russia loved us.
We were like fucking like this.
I mean, so this is the result of that.
It's the result of that.
It's because that guy made a dumb video with Biden, which I think is a dumb video, but that Bonito whatever on Instagram made some video with Biden.
People going, this is why Putin didn't worry about taking the Ukraine.
It's like Putin's never worried about taking the Ukraine.
He's never worried about it.
It has nothing to do with our content.
Trust me.
Putin is not watching our content.
But again, it's silly.
And these are silly times for people.
And I'm not saying we are going over there and fighting.
It's not our thing.
It's not our war.
This is not something where we should be involved.
Everybody who's going, no fly zones, he must pay.
He must pay.
What?
We're not in the position to go and fight Russia over the Ukraine.
We have military supremacy.
If we had to fight them over something that we had a genuine interest in, we could.
But we're not fighting them over the Ukraine.
That doesn't mean that this is a fun, cool display and that we should all be jazzed about it.
But we're not fighting them over the Ukraine.
You know, this is a real problem.
Do you have any updates on what's going on over there?
So they held them off over the night in the capital.
Pretty impressive what the Ukraine is.
Kind of impressive, to be honest.
The death count is.
I'm impressed.
The death count is much higher with Russia at 3,500 troops killed and 200 captured.
And then Ukrainians, it's about 198 dead and thousands injured.
But they really held them off overnight.
They're kind of losing.
They're kind of being embarrassed at the moment, yeah.
At the moment.
Losing in terms of casualties, of course.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Interesting.
And Zelensky's not leaving.
He's refusing to leave.
He's still posting videos.
Right.
I'm not going anywhere.
Right.
But the videos are horrific.
It's very tough to watch people who are civilians, innocent, have done nothing, who are living their lives, have to flee a country.
You know, I can just imagine the sea of YouTube comments.
You don't understand it.
It's actually good to watch that.
You know, but the other side of it is, what are we going to do?
I'm not going over there.
You're not going over there.
No one's going over there.
Nobody I know is going over there.
America is a country of cowards.
You know, as brought, it was a fun tweet where it's not all of us are cowards, but a lot.
You know, Ted Cruz, you know, there was a storm in Texas.
He like fled to Cancun.
There was a tweet, you know.
You know, our elected officials, you know, when COVID hits, they start insider trading.
I mean, you know, nobody could care less about this country.
I mean, Giannis Popp has brought up a great point.
He's like, if people, if, if you said that people in America between 18 and 60 cannot leave the country, they would flee.
They would all every, the vast majority of people would leave and not defend the country.
So it is inspiring to see the Ukraine do it.
And there are refugees.
Hungary's taking in people.
You know, people are leaving, but the people that want to stay and defend.
Yeah, there's families, there's women and children, and then there's people.
And then there's some badass Ukrainian bitches that are staying.
But, you know, that are fucking...
I wonder, I don't know what the outcome is.
It's destabilized the region forever now, for a very long time.
Nobody from Ukraine is ever going to forget this.
I mean, it's going to be a real problem.
And the sane take here, folks, is that this is very sad.
And it is not a positive development on the world stage.
That's really it.
It's not to start screaming about Trump or Biden or anybody.
It's really to just say, hey, we should look at the way that we Potentially contributed to a climate that enabled said things to happen, whether it was funding NATO, whatever it was.
But there's nothing to do here except be upset and be like, this sucks, right?
You know, it's, it's unfortunate that people are dying.
Now, people in America are so rotten to our core on both sides of the political aisle.
And we have so, our humanity is almost all gone.
It's almost been taken from us.
Oh, really?
Truly.
And we have become demons in this country.
Political affiliation unimportant.
And what that has made us do is any human tragedy that we see, we immediately dig into it and try to like make it someone's fault that we hate and excuse it and not even look at like the human cost and go, say, say, ha, look, look, ha.
It's a psychotic impulse.
It is a psychotic impulse.
It doesn't mean you can't have a discussion about it, but it is a psychotic impulse.
It is an inhuman impulse for the first thing you do when you see like old women and children being forced out of their homes and fleeing to go, ha ha ha!
I tell you, there's something wrong with you as a person if that's what you're doing.
In the same way that when someone died of COVID, they didn't get vaccinated and you were celebrating that to an unhealthy degree.
Reflecting on Tragedy00:04:15
That was also wrong.
That's my position on it.
Just be a human fucking being if you can.
If you can.
If you possess the ability to be a human, try for five minutes.
Try to be a person.
You know, I know, but the brand.
For a second, just for a second, be a human being.
Is it possible in this country of demons, real demons now?
I mean, when you look around and see the people and you listen to the people, we're in hell.
We're living in hell here.
If this isn't hell, I don't know what could be hell with the way that people just relate to each other now.
And I, for one, like, I don't think the NATO expansion helped.
I think we made an error in judgment.
I think that Putin's not a guy that you're going to be able to push around.
I think that U.S. policy has not made this situation any better.
I don't think that in and of itself excuses or justifies in a, And I'm not using, because I know that the real politic way to look at it is obviously it's not the justification for anything that anybody does on the world stage is never morality.
It's trade routes and ports and power.
And I know all of that.
And I'm not saying that I'm not a child.
And I'm not saying that I don't understand the rationale behind the decision to invade the Ukraine.
But when you look at it from the perspective of a human being and not the perspective of somebody who's trying to use this as a springboard to gain more eyeballs on what they're doing and say just the most contrarian and fucked up shit imaginable.
And, you know, well, actually, they're right.
They're right.
He's right to do that.
When you look at it like that, you go, no, this is a brazen criminal act where somebody's invading a country unprovoked by that country.
And that should be roundly condemned.
People shouldn't be like, yeah, this is cool.
Fuck yeah.
This shouldn't, this isn't the thing.
I know it's fun to be a shit poster, contrarian, or whatever.
It's fun.
It's edgy.
It makes you feel good.
I guess it gives you power you don't have in your life to say something online that bothers other people.
And I do it a lot.
I say all kinds of shit that people are bothered right now.
Very much.
They're very angry at what I'm saying right now.
So I'm not saying that that is not something that should be protected.
My only point is as a human being, it should give you a little pause when you see the scenes of horror emanating from that country.
You should potentially be given a little pause and you should reflect a little bit about the human cost of something like this because it's not nothing.
It's not nothing when people are being driven out of their homes.
You know what I mean?
China Steps In00:02:09
China's stepping in.
Now they're restricting lending to Russia.
China's because China is now running the world.
See, America is a joke, but China is now coming in and now China is saying, because China's making money.
China doesn't need this shit.
China's in the lead and China's going, hey, man, we're winning.
Why are we doing that?
What are we doing that for?
You know, like, I'm good.
You know, it's like China's like, we don't need you going around destabilizing the world.
We're killing it.
We're like killing it.
It's like if you're a big agent and one of your big clients is like in every movie, they are the Hollywood it girl.
And then they start posting about Palestine.
You go, hey, hey, we're winning now.
Why are we doing this?
There'll be plenty of time to do that.
When they throw you out of Hollywood and you get fat and you're doing indies, light up the timeline with your opinions.
But right now, cool it.
Just go to fucking con and relax.
We got a boat for you.
Sit on the boat and enjoy.
So China's now getting involved to try to.
Well, two Chinese state-owned banks will restrict financing for Russian commodity purchases, suggesting there are limits to Beijing's support for Moscow as the Kremlin confronts severe economic sanctions.
So offshore units of Industrial and Commercial Bank of China have stopped issuing U.S. dollar-denominated letters of credit for purchases of physical Russian commodities ready for export.
While the Bank of China has also limited funding, according to Bloomberg.
Well, I'm telling you right now, we got a real problem on our hands.
China's biggest banks hold billions of Russian assets.
Beijing has also provided Moscow with tens of billions in funding over the years.
So that was pretty recent, though.
I mean, this will come out later today.
Realtor Chaos Unfolds00:11:08
We'll see what happens.
Tim Dylan, comedy.com for any of the live dates.
What is going on with this Long Island housewife?
This is a fun story out of Long Island, New York.
And it concerns our favorite things, Long Island and real estate and mental illness, our third favorite thing.
Can you bring that up, Paul?
There's havoc in the Long Island realtor community.
I mean, if you think Kiev is bad, this woman's really causing issues here.
This is a Long Island woman who is going to open houses in Long Island and refusing to leave and threatening the other buyers.
And do I understand that correctly?
Yeah, because it's a taboo.
If you're in an open house, you don't sit on the people's furniture.
You're not supposed to sit on the people's furniture.
And you're not really supposed to talk.
Oh, really?
You're not supposed to make pronouncements loudly.
You're supposed to have quiet conversations.
And then, you know, it's good form to go and chat outside.
If you bring your realtor to the open house, you know, you go outside and you have a chat.
You don't walk through and go, this kitchen.
Agents sometimes have to pay the bouncer at showings.
You never know who's going to show up when homes are open to the public.
So the professionals have to keep cool and take action.
This is funny.
There was a line for this showing, a five-bedroom, two-and-a-half bathroom in Three Village Long Island.
I think we had like 32 sets of buyers, each with an agent, easily 100 people.
It was in a very desirable neighborhood, a great school district, and the house had lots of potential.
This was before COVID, so we didn't have restrictions on how many people could go in at one time.
I had my associate Joe working inside the house trying to keep the flow going.
I was outside meeting and greeting and trying to keep up with everything.
Pepe.
Try to keep everything peppy so nobody's annoyed that they have to wait.
Then Joe came out and pulled me aside and said, we've got a problem.
There's a woman inside who is refusing to leave.
She has parked herself on the couch and is telling people that this is her house.
I went inside to find out what's going on.
I can hear somebody with a raised voice downstairs where the main living area is.
I go down and here's this woman just sprawling there.
One arm up on the buck on the back of the couch.
She was wearing like a mu moo.
She reminded me of my mother.
People were asking her, are you the owner?
And she was saying, no, but I'm going to be.
I like it.
I catch her answering a question about a feature of the house.
It was a teenage girl who was asking, is this the only bathroom on this floor?
I hear this woman say, yes, it is, sweetheart.
And it's not enough for you.
You're a teenager.
You need more bathrooms.
You should look somewhere else.
I walked up and I said, hi, are you okay?
She said, why would you ask me that?
I explained that I work for the seller.
Normally, people don't sit on the owner's church's furniture during an open house.
It's like using the bathroom.
You just don't do it.
And she says, quote, all these people are wasting their time.
And then she yells, because I will outbid you.
I said, my job is to make sure everyone has an opportunity to see the house.
And I think you might be making some people feel uncomfortable.
She says, no, I'm not.
And then this guy who was also there for the open house goes, the hell you're not.
Why don't you stop flapping your mouth?
Long Island.
Joe, my associate, stuck his head in the door, and I told him not to let anyone else in.
I had to look.
I had to stop the, can we make this bigger?
Is there any way we can make it a little bigger?
Could you zoom in, Paul?
Thank you.
I'm like taking an eye test here to try to read.
No one on Gas Digital reads anything.
So there's no one's ever had to bring up anything to read.
The funny thing is she never put in an offer.
Of course she didn't.
She was nuts.
I like that.
I like the idea of a woman sitting on a couch, threatening people and scaring them.
And then because she's, because the thing about open houses, you can't really stop people from going in and causing a real problem.
And that there's something still very democratic about that idea that anybody could walk into any house that's being sold and start an issue.
And there's not much you can do about it at this point.
You know?
So I'm all for that.
I'm all for open house problems because realtors are, their entire job is to be fake nice.
That's their entire job.
The most difficult thing about a realtor's job is being fake nice all the time to everyone.
And realtors notoriously hate when they have to deviate from that psychopathic personality trait that they have, that they've developed, where they just remain fake nice throughout all of their daily interactions.
And then when they go home, they become, you know, Mr. Hyde again.
And then the next day, it's Dr. Jekyll.
Hello.
Natural light, indoor, outdoor.
Bedrooms, bathrooms.
Isn't it nice?
And realtors have to have, their job is made up only of small talk.
You'll never look at a realtor and go, I have cancer.
Everything that you, every interaction you have with a realtor is small talk and fake nice small talk.
So what happens to these people is when something interrupts that fake world of pleasantries and niceties and meaningless, inane bullshit, it is the gravest offense to them.
Like when anybody comes in from outside to start a problem and they realize you're like, I can't, I have to now Like, show real about, because this is upsetting me, and I'm angry, and I want this to stop.
But I'm also this person, this creation that just wants to talk about nonsense with these idiots.
And someone's on a couch yelling, and I have to be stern and angry and get her out of here.
And they're just like, fuck.
What do I do?
I have to be a human being.
And they're like, but my entire job is to not be a person, is to be a creation.
You know, a realtor is like, you know, when they're good at it, they're a prostitute, kind of, you know, like, you know, it's like you're getting the girlfriend experience.
You're getting someone you believe cares about you and what you do and your life and family.
Oh, isn't, oh, the yard, they'll run.
Oh, these kids in that yard.
But really, what they want to do is just make enough money to bail their son out of jail.
But they can't, they can't tell you that because, like anything else, all of these relationships exist out of necessity.
They are things that need to happen and they just should be nice while they happen.
So I'm all for like fat women sitting on couches screaming because there's nothing better than seeing a nice person, fake nice.
Nothing better than seeing like a fake nice person have to like, you can see them almost, they almost have like a seizure.
They're like, what?
What are you doing?
Like they're losing.
They're like, they're like, it's like at the end of Cinderella where they, you know, the carriage becomes the pumpkin.
Like they're reverting back to their form and they're like, oh, what are you?
People, people don't usually sit on the furniture.
People don't usually look at it.
And then you see them and they just start melting and melting.
And, you know, and again, realtors for the most part are not terribly bright.
So they're not really good at problem solving.
Not the really high-end ones.
The one I'm using now is phenomenal and she's like a legend.
But the vast majority of realtors are incredibly stupid people who are very bad at problem solving, much like agents.
The vast majority of agents and managers are incredibly stupid and incredibly bad at their jobs.
These are jobs that you can be very bad at because the vast majority of people at the job are also bad.
And it's actually an agreed upon thing that we're all going to be bad at this.
We're going to be bad at it together.
And that's why everybody can be bad at it because there's almost an unspoken rule, unwritten rule that bad is good and slightly above bad is great.
So if you're a manager in the entertainment business and you're not an abject failure, you're the best it's ever been.
You're great.
And they will write books about you and make movies about you because the vast majority of people in it are so incapable of performing the menial day-to-day tasks of a job that to be even slightly better than that is to win the day, like an agent.
To be slightly better than the general bad is to be great.
And that's kind of like realtors.
If you are just slightly better than the vast majority of like part-time divorced housewife, people that are, you know, trying to make a quick buck that have no idea what they're talking about.
If you're even slightly better than that, you're in.
You become this, you can be really good at it, you know?
Singing Ukrainian Folk Songs00:05:01
Let's check.
Let's check more, as we, before we get out of here, let's check more about this war, because is it going to end?
When is it going to end?
You know, I was reading Sullivan's article.
He was saying they're probably going to occupy as long as they want, of course.
Should I sing a Ukrainian folk song?
No, I'm very like, there's not much I can do, but I want to help.
Patreon is not allowing people to donate to the Ukraine because there's a rule of Patreon that you can't donate money for people to buy weapons or something.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that thing might have been fake too, but regardless, they wouldn't allow that.
I don't think.
Wait, was it fake or not?
I believe it was, yeah, because I don't think you can do that on Patreon.
I'm going to double check.
But I think it would be a good idea.
Yes, this is from...
It says, no, you can't use Patreon to buy missiles for Ukraine.
Patreon deleted the fun page without a warning in a very difficult time for Ukraine.
And deleting the page, Patreon said that the website of the organization says that they use contributions to finance and train military personnel on the cited its harmful activities policy and banning it.
Yeah, I guess it was real, yeah.
Yeah, they were trying to buy tanks, missiles.
I mean, again, I don't want to.
I feel like this is insane.
Is there a Ukrainian folk song that I can sing?
Let's see here.
Because I do want to do more than I'm doing.
And I feel that I'm severely limited by many factors.
I can't really help.
I'm limited by many factors.
Number one, I live in America.
Number two, I don't really care.
Like, I do, but I, you know.
But I feel like if I were to sing a Ukrainian folk song on the show, you might have people like finally understanding what's really at stake.
This is kind of a showing of solidarity.
It's a statement.
It's not nothing.
And I think that I will certainly benefit.
And I don't mean me.
Let me take that back.
But I will benefit from knowing that I've done enough.
You know, because there's a lot of people right now going, what should I do?
Should I donate?
And you should do all of that.
But I think, let me sing a folk song on the show.
Paul, I just sent you one.
Okay, so this is a Ukrainian folk song, and the translation is Long Live Free Ukraine.
Well, that's awkward.
Okay.
1.5 million views.
So this one must be a popular one.
Oh, my God.
This is going to be so fucking hard.
Fuck.
This is so hard, but it's just not easy.
This language is not easy.
But I'm going to try.
All right.
Well.
Well, that was very difficult because it's a whole nother language.
You get it?
Yeah, yeah.
People don't even understand.
It's very, it's not like Spanish where you can kind of fake it.
This is right?
It's a whole other thing.
It's a whole other thing here.
I'm going to ask a serious question.
Do you think that helped?
Is there anyone out there that found comfort in that?
Apologies to Ukrainians00:13:08
Because you know the internet is it's I mean it's global.
There's a very good chance that there are Ukrainians watching this show and that just heard that that now are doing slightly better than they were on a serious note.
If you are Ukrainian and you are watching this show I'm fucking sorry about what's going on.
That is no reason to cancel the Patreon.
If you are a member of the Patreon, it is $5 a month and you get four hours of content a month.
And if you're a Rothschild member on the higher tier, you get an extra video episode in addition to that.
So I don't want, I'm very, I don't want this.
I'm not one of these idiots in America cheering this on.
I am aghast at this.
I truly, I truly feel bad for these people that have to leave their country.
It is repulsive to me.
I'm not a Putin stan.
I will tell you this.
I don't believe it is a sufficient reason to not continue to pay for the Patreon if you are a Patreon subscriber.
If it gets bad enough where I do feel like you're justified in canceling, I'll let you know.
But as of right now, I think, should we do a thing where here's, no, here's an idea.
I'm serious about this.
Do we do a thing where if someone is from the Ukraine that enjoys and watches our show and there's any way to communicate with them, like, can we give them our info or an email for them to reach out?
Is there any way to like open a channel of communication with them and have them like read an ad for us?
Is there any possible way for them to read like an advertisement for us?
There was a Ukrainian open micer that DM'd me four days ago who wanted to come on the show.
Why?
I mean, why are you, why is that coming out now?
I mean, I don't even know if he speaks that well of English.
I looked up his videos.
It's all in.
Did he DM you in English?
He was very broken, though.
I just don't understand why you would bring that up now when that would have been great.
We should have had him on.
Why would you not bring that to me?
I was flying.
I forgot.
I mean, that would have been great, right?
Is he still in the Ukraine?
Well, I also don't know.
Maybe he's a bad egg.
He might be a bad egg over there.
Ben, you fucked up here.
Stop trying to say he's like some Nazi.
I'm not saying he's a Nazi.
You're accusing him of being a Nazi.
You're slandering him because you didn't bring him to me and say he should be on the show.
Where is he now?
Let me check my DMs and see what he's up to.
Get him right now.
If you want a recording of the folk song that I sang, we will be selling it.
Unless you can prove you are in the Ukraine right now.
If you can prove that, we will give it to you for half off.
If you could prove that you are in the Ukraine right now during the war, the folk song I sang will be given to you a half off.
We got to reach out to these people.
Ben, this is absurd that you didn't bring this to my attention.
Ben really doesn't do his job.
This is very interesting.
Ben really doesn't do his job.
And it's now becoming more and more apparent to everybody that Ben has been, you know, really coasting here.
He coasts, and all he does is complain that he has to travel and him and his wife can't get drunk.
All they want to do is get drunk and go follow Colin Morakowa around.
Try to find he's probably dead, Ben.
He wanted to come on the show as the last thing he could fucking do to just tell everybody what was up.
I'm sure he had a lot of nice things to say about me and my comedy and how it's impacted him before he was killed by Russia.
And you ruined that.
You ruined the chance for this man as his last earthly act to come on the show and tell me that I was a great influence on him and to keep doing what I'm doing right before this man dropped dead.
Well, at the time, also, I thought we were having a mark on, so I just totally forgot.
We always need a backup.
That's true.
Should have kept him on standby.
And you don't even have his message.
I'm looking for it.
It's amazing to me the lack of prep, the lack of respect that this guy has for this show.
Every week, he does less.
Can you imagine?
All my DMs are people threatening to kill me.
I'm trying to find.
And there should be more.
I mean, the guy gets a message.
I found him.
Here he is.
Okay.
Here he is right there.
Call him.
Hi, Ben.
I am from Ukraine, Comedian.
Have five subs on Twitter.
Also, if you need any info, I can connect you with competent people for Tim Dylan's show about war.
We're calling him right now.
He's dead.
It's 8:30 there.
He should be awake.
He's dead.
You killed him.
I feel terrible about you killing this person.
I'm watching his story right now.
Dude, this is like fucked.
Hopefully this dude's okay.
If not, we know who we have to blame.
Ben Avery.
His name is Vladislav or something.
I'm following him back.
I'm messaging him.
Hey, man, reach back out when you can.
Hope you're okay.
This is Tim.
Well, there you have it.
Ben Avery, a guy wants to come on the show.
I mean, do you feel a little ashamed?
Yeah, I should have had him as backup.
Well, that's not even for the show.
It's like this guy wants to get out information from a war zone on a major podcast platform and you ignore him.
Well, I mean, it's a little absurd.
Is it?
No, it is.
I mean, it's a pretty big fuck-up.
But you're...
People are going to have your head for that.
You're a large media figure, and you could be feeding us misinformation.
You could be...
Ben, now what you're doing is you're trying to justify the fact that you did not even bring this to me as an option here.
You're trying to keep me from misinformation.
I mean, what's going on here?
This is insane.
Is that your act now?
You're trying to protect me from misinformation?
You said I'm supposed to protect the show.
Yeah, you're supposed to protect the show by not letting us make bad decisions or not letting episodes come out late or something.
But what you're supposed to do is when somebody reaches out from a volatile, active war zone and wants to come on this show and tell me that I'm a genius before they're killed.
And you don't...
I'm incensed at you right now.
I truly cannot believe you did this.
This was this guy's dying wish to tell me that I was the greatest comedian that he's ever seen before he was killed in an invasion and you ignore him?
You didn't even respond back to him, dude.
I mean, should you want to apologize to him?
Yeah, I'll say his at.
I'll apologize.
No, don't say his at.
Okay, okay.
We want to keep it private.
Vladislav, I'm very sorry for what I did.
I should have reached back to you and kept you on standby because.
Vladislav, I wish Ben was killed by the Russians and not you.
I hate Ben.
Another fuck up from Ben Avery, everybody.
That's what this show can count on.
A guy from an active war zone wants to update us.
And by the way, we're kidding here.
Hopefully he's okay.
Hopefully, yeah, yeah.
We hope he's okay.
We hope the guy's okay.
I mean, I hope open micers aren't being drafted.
I mean, you really want to lose.
But hopefully he'll be okay.
But this is fucked.
It's fucked.
It's sad.
It's tragic.
Tragic.
And you are tragic for not allowing this person to come on this show.
So, I mean, again, if you like, if you like People being killed in the Ukraine.
Ben Avery is your boy.
No.
At Ben Avery is good.
If you are a Ukrainian that doesn't like this war, maybe go give him a piece of your mind.
At Ben Avery is good.
If you are a Ukrainian who is against the war, perhaps at Ben Avery is good should hear from you.
I don't know.
I'm just saying, perhaps he should hear from you.
That's all I'm saying.
I think you have to take some responsibility for your actions in these situations.
People are in deep trouble and they're trying to reach out, you know?
And hopefully this will be balanced out by the fact that I sang that folk song.
And it's, I don't know.
It's going to be tough to balance the scales here, but I think I did a pretty phenomenal job for having never spoke Ukrainian.
You know?
Only a few more shows left on this hellish tour.
At the end, we're taping a special in Denver.
What do we got left here?
God help us and save us.
So tonight you'll be in Albany when this comes out.
Who cares?
Concord, New Hampshire tomorrow.
Sold out.
Brea Improv.
Buy tickets for Brea, folks.
It's in Anaheim.
It's a dump.
Yeah, it's in Brea.
It's March 11th, 12th, 13th.
Come on in.
Toronto, March 16th.
That's right.
Get tickets to that.
A lot of them have sold out, but get some.
Baltimore on the 18th.
Philadelphia.
Get tickets.
There's a shitload of tickets available to Baltimore.
Philly's got a few left.
Yeah, the Parks Casino, March 19th in Philly.
Nashville, March 24th.
Nashville, the Ryman.
Gonna be a great show.
Tickets still available.
Grab them.
Denver, March 26th.
Two shows.
Two shows.
Denver, March 26th.
Taping.
Taping of the special.
Then you go to Glasgow on March 30th.
Glasgow, get tickets.
Dublin, get tickets.
London, get tickets.
And then that's it.
That's the end of it.
First week of April.
Then that's the end of the show, folks.
And then maybe, we don't know if we're going to do this.
Maybe in April we do Dallas and Houston.
Oh, nice.
And Cleveland.
Maybe three or four more.
We don't know.
Before the special comes out.
TimDillacomedy.com for all tickets.
Any lasting apologies to the people of Ukraine for what you've done to them?
Tour Dates and Tragedy00:03:02
I mean, I don't know if.
No, we're being deadly serious.
I suppose.
I'm being deadly serious.
I stand with Ukrainian people.
It's a tragedy what's going on.
I feel sorry for this guy.
I could come up with a million excuses, but there's no excuse.
I did fail.
I failed miserably here with this guy.
I'm not going to go into any excuses.
I have plenty.
Some are somewhat justified, but Vladislav, if you're listening, I'm very sorry.
Reach out to me.
I'll try to do something for you.
I don't know what that is, but I'll try to help you out in any way I can.
Vladislav.
Niet.
What's Niet?
No.
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I love better help because sometimes I'm sad and I log on to the internet and someone says you're worth it.
I think Vladislav is calling me.
Get him on.
Hello, Vladislav.
Stay rolling on this, Paul.
How are you?
This is Tim Dylan.
I'm a comedian from America.
How are you?
Let me ask you: is there a way that we can talk to you on like Skype or something?
Talk to him for a minute, Ben.
All right, we are here with Vladislav, who is a Ukrainian comedian, dude.
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us.
How are you doing over there?
I'm doing fine currently.
I am at the shelter in Kiev, and I am trying to find my way to get guns, get vests, get helmets, and share them with my friends, with my family, so everyone is armed.
Comedian Seeking Weapons00:05:39
Because in Kiev now, if you are not like an armed samurai, you're a fucking no one.
Right.
You're a nobody.
Now, how have how quickly this seemed to happen very quickly where you guys declared martial law and you told me that you guys are trying to raise money and trying to find weapons and trying to just basically help the troops as best that you can?
Yes, we are trying to help the troops as best as we can.
I had my own channel and we just live streaming for 15 minutes, 12, 20 minutes ago, before just before we talk.
And we raised a crazy amount of money and we will buy an uh like crazy gun equipment.
And this is very good because we need equipment for snipers.
And snipers are very cool in city combat because we are now leading to city combat fights because most of the in the two days, two days that we have our combat, we fought on the border, we fought on rivers, and now we need to arm up even more.
Now, were you guys surprised that this happened or were you guys expecting it?
Because a lot of people were thinking that Putin was bluffing.
Did you guys think he was bluffing or did you guys think this was going to go down?
We were ready for any scenarios that could happen, but Ukrainians were always ready for Putin to invade because Russia invaded Ukraine many, many, many times.
We had a whole lot of more in 1933 and it was insane.
Everybody saying like not everybody, but a lot of Russian propaganda is like we are brothers and that's all.
But that's not like that, even a little bit.
We were pretty much always concerned about military invasion, but you can't prepare yourself for a military invasion because it's spark.
How is the feeling about Russia?
Obviously, now it's not good.
But before this, aren't you like a lot of people in Russia have family in Ukraine?
You guys are, there's certainly a lot of, you know, connections between the two countries, right?
I mean, what was the feeling about Russia pre-invasion?
Was it, do you have family in Russia?
Do you have friends in Russia?
Because I know many people in Russia have family in Ukraine.
Is that the situation or is that not the case?
Families can't hate each other, if you know.
Oh, oh, I know.
Oh, I know.
Oh, I know very well that they can.
We also, we hate our own families in Ukraine.
And if our family are in Russia, we hate them even more.
I agree.
I hate my own family in Long Island.
And they're very close to me.
What do you think the outcome Putin wants?
You think he wants a regime change?
He wants to put in a puppet government that will basically carry out his will.
That seems to be what he wants.
He is crazy.
He wanted to do a fast bleed script, but it's like he has no connection with the world because we have not much, but we have cool, cool toys.
We have enlows, we have stingers, and he's just crazy.
He's just, oh, I have a helicopter with like flying designs.
I don't know how they called, like Marines, Marines, and I will land that helicopter and helicopter just flies.
And we just like, there's no helicopter.
And he thought 20 more times.
He's like, oh, I will send them my tanks.
Tanks are going and tanks are burning up.
All the tanks are burning up.
Right.
Now, he thought the military was going to fold quicker than it did, but you guys have been showing that it's not going to be easy.
You are not making it easy.
Yeah.
Because if we lose, then it's going to be worse for a long and long time.
And if we win, it's going to be going to be the end of Russia and end of Putin because he has no real way how he will going to end this fight for him to be like the winning, the winning point.
He lost all the support from the world.
Even in, we had like pro-Russia Europe countries like Hungary and like Germany.
And even they are promoting ban Russia from Swift now.
Social Media Support00:14:51
Yeah.
Now, so let me ask you a question.
You're a comedian in the UK.
Yes.
I mean, I'm sorry, in the Ukraine.
And what is now you're a political comedian, so you do jokes about politics and stuff.
Also.
Yeah, of course.
Also, not only, but sometimes.
How is that there?
What is the comedy scene like in the Ukraine for a guy like you to do comedy?
What has that been like?
Comedy scene have been changed in the past two years very significantly because our stand-up was born like maybe in 2012 and also there are Russian stand-up and Russian stand-up is like a cargo cult of an American stand-up.
It's just like stupid.
It's just stupid.
And uh also, they can't say, because they don't, they don't don't have like feelings, they just jokes.
They have good comedians, but that's like about not, we can't, we can't relate to that, we can't feel about that, we don't have nothing.
And uh, we are in Ukraine, have a lot of Ukrainian speaking comedians and we have a lot of Russian speaking comedians and there are tendency for the past two years that Russian speaking comedians are turning themselves into Ukrainian speaking comedians, because everyone in Ukraine knows Ukrainian.
Just uh, because of Russian occupation, a lot of Ukrainians also know Russian.
Yeah, it's.
It's like a stupidly cool between uh was stupidly cool right between uh some Ukrainian comedians to just like uh have a way uh through the to the Moscow.
Moscow is like uh uh, it's like a Los Angeles for a stupid Ukrainian comedian.
And then we figured out, we figured out that Los Angeles for a smart comedian who like money is Ukraine in Kiev.
And right when we started doing stand-up in Ukrainian people, we saw that people really like us and people don't hate us.
And you can shit on Ukrainians and you can shit on Russians and you can shit on Americans.
You can shit on everything.
People relate to that.
People uh have fun with it.
People will donate you money, people will love you.
We have also uh, we have uh slightly uh similar, uh like a strategy.
As you uh in Ukraine yeah like, we have patriot.
We have Youtube channels, we have instagram, we have twitter and people use it.
People use it because it's Ukrainian.
If we will be Russian Speaking Ukrainians yeah, people will will think that we uh are leading like our way to Moscow, that we can, we can we plug your social media on our show like, can we get you more followers?
Is that a good idea right now, or do you want to keep more of a low profile?
Yeah, it's a it's a good idea.
I post sometimes uh, my naked pictures.
It's not true.
If you want me, that's interesting.
If if, if you uh, if you want, I can uh message you.
I can message you uh, dead Russians, dead Russians oh okay well, and also naked picture.
We'll Take both.
We'll take naked pictures and dead Russians if you'd like.
And we will put them on our Patreon.
But now, are you going?
Are you leave?
You're not nobody's leaving.
Nobody's fleeing.
You're staying there.
No, also, there are cowards, there are women, there are kids.
They gotta go.
Yeah, they gotta go.
Why not?
Everybody has it's all.
How do you feel about the president?
Zelensky, he seems to be doing a good job.
Lan, first, we thought that the country went crazy.
They elected the low-grade comedian, but very popular.
Think that, like, you will elect, I don't know who's who's bad.
Like, you will elect that guy that stole jokes.
Carlos Mencia.
Carlos Mencia.
Right.
Carlos Mencia, but no, Zelensky did not steal jokes.
He was a fun actor.
He was very talented.
He was like very cool, but comedy was about like my aunt and not like he was.
It was more for the people.
It was like for sure.
But you can't blame him for that because there was pretty much no other comedy in Ukraine.
Yeah.
And we as stand-up comedians, we thought that this guy is crazy and we saw the country went insane that they just like stupid jokes.
And now he's fucking, I don't know, he's standing.
Biden say, hey, would you like to come to us?
We can get you out of the country.
And he's like, no, I will fucking die here.
Yeah, that, by the way, I respect the hell out of that.
And I'm trying to think of an American equivalent to that.
There ain't.
Our people would be on a plane.
They would be on a jet real quickly.
I really hope that you guys stay.
Also, I want to say that Zelensky fucked zero child.
Yes.
Well, that's good.
That's very positive.
And we appreciate that.
That also may be why your country is being invaded.
It is a catch-22, you know?
One of those, you know, unfortunate.
Who are your favorite comedians in the Ukraine from America?
My favorite comedians in Ukraine was America.
Okay, so you should check the channel Strakadupa.
It's our channel.
It's only in Ukrainian, but it's fine.
You also should check Yvor Shataila.
He his own special on givhorshataila.com.
You should check Andrei Sheihin.
You should check.
I don't know who.
Yeah, plug all those people on your social media because we're never going to be able to spell those names.
Do you guys like American comedy?
Yeah, of course.
We like a lot of American comedy.
And I watch your shows.
I watch a lot of, I don't know, stupid American shit.
I will sometimes hate something.
We have two cultures.
We have Ukrainian culture.
We have American culture.
Sometimes we force ourselves to not watch Russian culture because it's stupid.
You just watch one Russian comedian and also YouTube and next video suggest you a war movie.
And you're like, fuck it.
Right.
Half of the YouTube Russian YouTube is war movies about, oh, how it was in 44.
What is the plan now?
The plan is just to hold off Russian forces as much as you can and basically obviously keep raising money.
And hopefully, you know, with enough pressure on Putin and people, you know, countries like China now coming out and you know, a lot of sanctions happening that he would, you know, eventually he'll give this up.
Yeah, we will push, we will push the things.
You we will push the things as long as we are winning because for now, we are winning.
Uh, we were very happy with the Ukrainian uh people uh raising patient for the uh save life in UA.
It was a number one patron in the world.
They gathered four thousand people.
I don't like that because we're we're like the number two show on Patreon.
And I gotta be honest with you, I worked a lot harder than these uh Ukrainians raising the money.
We've got a lot more content, they don't have any content on that Patreon.
So to me, that's a little ridiculous, but I do respect that.
Tell us where to follow you and where to donate because I we want to donate money and I want to have all my fans that can and want to donate money.
How do we follow you?
Okay, uh, you can donate money at save life.
Uh, one word, save life.in.ua.
It's a very good organization.
They uh are very nice.
They have a lot of uh PayPal, they have everything.
They have Bitcoin, they have yes, we'll put that in the description of the episode.
Yes, also, we have a national uh Ukraine bank, uh, which is uh national Ukraine bank is have an I-band, long I-band, and you can donate uh to that.
Also, I can uh email you my uh card number and card number for like small groups.
Yeah, I will, I will, I will personally donate five thousand dollars to you if you give me a way to do that.
If you give me a way to do that, we will figure it out, we'll figure it out.
I will absolutely personally donate that uh to you.
Uh, and it's it's not a lot of money, but it's enough money where hopefully that can help a little bit.
Okay, we will send you photos afterwards.
What'd you say?
Oh, you'll send you photos, yeah, no, and videos for 5,000.
You have to do videos as well.
But the no, I want to, I want to help you.
Yeah, I mean, it's five grand, but I want to help you as much as I can.
Um, you know, you guys, it's inspiring to see your uh comedian.
Um, if someone invaded America to kill all of us, uh, the comedians would be helping them.
So, it's nice that you guys are fighting for your own country, standing up.
Where can we find you on social media?
You can find me at uh uh instagram.com Vlad Kapitsa.
Okay, we're gonna put that in the link in the description too.
I mean, it's amazing.
You don't fit the look.
Yeah, you can also find me on Twitter, Vlad Kapitsa, because Twitter are popular between Ukrainian politics and Ukrainian action, and it's not very popular and it's popular worldwide.
So, that's pretty much how I found you and found a lot of people.
Yes, and we are, yeah, it's very interesting.
You look like you're from California.
I mean, I don't know what Ukrainians look like, but you look like you should be on the show Euphoria.
Was not what we were expecting at all.
I mean, it's a hella, you look like you're like a TikToker who lives in Hollywood, but we are really sorry that this shit's going down and we're really going to try to help as much as we can in terms of donating money, telling our people to donate money.
And if listen, hopefully, this ends and you come to America, we'll get you on some shows.
Yeah, that will be pretty much fun.
And I think that when this shit will end, you will come to Ukraine and do some shows because people are buying.
If people are buying tickets to Louis E.K.
Yes, no, I would love.
I will find a way to promote you because we have also a promotion going on thing and it will be cool.
And it is having fun and watching cool content and getting inspired.
And it's one of the reasons to have a gun in your hands.
Yes, yes.
I believe that's 100% true.
It's something to fight for.
It's something to fight for.
Warren and Dostoyevsky.
And we don't like it.
Right.
No, it's something to fight for.
That is literally what you fight for, your quality of life, and to have a free country and have freedom, you know.
And dude, I would be very, very excited to perform in the Ukraine unless Russia pays me more.
I mean, no, I'm kidding.
Dude, I want to thank you.
We did this whole bit about you because you sent Ben a message and Ben didn't answer it.
And I screamed at him on the show.
And we were like, this guy's probably dead.
And I can't believe you didn't answer his message.
And it's a whole bit.
And we're so happy that you're okay.
Your friends are okay.
And I'm hoping that everybody makes this and makes it out of this.
And, you know, we could all fucking look back at this and like, you know, I'm hoping that's the case, you know, and like, you know, any support.
Yeah.
In case if I die, I will text Ben a list of secondhand comedians for your show.
Yeah, please.
We really appreciate that.
No, we really appreciate that.
I think you'll be fine.
Stay safe.
You know, obviously do what you guys got to do over there.
And we really appreciate you taking the time because we know it's not fucking easy.
We're going to put together all of those links in our episode.
We're going to put them on our Instagram.
We're going to put them on our Twitter for people to donate, help you out if they can.
And keep in contact with us, man.
Keep letting us know what's going on and ways that we can help.
Okay.
Also, I wanted to say Slavo Ukraini.
Glory Heroes Response00:01:51
It's like glory to America.
And the response is Heroim Slava.
Can you say that?
Heroim Slava?
What is it?
Heroim Slava.
Hero Slava.
What does that mean?
That means glory for the heroes.
Yes.
Heroium Slava.
Glory.
Glory for the heroes.
And I think Putin really went in there thinking it was going to be an overnight thing.
He thought it was going to be a lot easier than it's been.
You guys have shown him that it's not going to be that easy.
You're fighting for your home, your culture, your religion, your heritage, whatever you're fighting for, the freedom to live.
And it's an inspiring thing.
And there's people in my country that don't respect it because they're mentally ill.
We have many mentally ill people here, but people that are human beings, the few of us that are still left, are watching it, looking at it, going, it's fucking inspiring.
And I really appreciate this.
Now, I mean, the awkward thing is he's not in Ukraine.
He's not even Ukrainian.
This is a guy we hired who's in LA.
He's too good looking.
He's behind his soundstage.
I mean, this is a green screen, but I still think it still feels good, right?
Oh, yeah.
It still helps.
I think this still matters.
Yeah.
I can show you bottles of Ukrainian beer.
Yeah.
Well, cocktail.
For sure.
Well, don't have too much fun over there.
And listen, I mean, it may be inappropriate, but I still think it's a, you know, we've got merch dropping.