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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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The Call Her Daddy Scandal00:05:54
I want to get a beef with her.
No, I'm kidding.
But here's the thing about the Call Her Daddy thing.
God bless her.
Right.
I would say that I don't know her.
God bless her.
Yeah.
$60 million.
They're not going to make that money back.
Absolutely not.
No way.
They won't make $6 million.
Let's be honest.
The merch, which Barstool still owns, is what drives the whole thing, I think.
People buy the merch.
That's the most profitable thing.
I think the closest I would get to the Call Her Daddy podcast would be a hat that says Call Her Daddy.
I'd wear that.
You'd do that.
Yeah, but I'm not going to.
I tried to listen to an episode.
What is it?
Because I've never listened.
But she's getting $60 million.
I made four seconds in.
Really?
And I turned it on.
I said, no.
Was it that bad?
Yeah, it was just, it's not, but it's not for me, though.
Right.
You know what I mean?
You got to know what's interesting.
Like, to me, it's like, if it was just like, is it an exploration of like anal where you listen to it and you go, how do you take a big one without getting an anal fissure?
Like, is it because I'm not going to be able to do that?
They better fix those titles, man.
Right.
Because I'm not having it.
All right.
Yeah.
I didn't, I, I, I'm, I think the podcast money now is getting silly.
Yeah.
This is silly.
This is Bitcoin.
That's right.
From like five, six years ago.
It's getting silly.
Yeah.
And I think people are, I think these companies are going to just eventually go, oh, we learned our lesson.
Oh, they're going to pull back hard.
They're pulling back.
Spotify likes Rogan.
Right.
I don't know if they're in love with it.
It's a solid, like, it's good.
People are coming to the platform.
I've heard they don't like the ringer, the Bill Simmons thing.
They're not thrilled.
Is that like a sports thing?
Yeah, it's a sports thing and they gave him $100 million.
Yeah.
They're just giving people pretend.
Is the money even real?
Or is they Spotifying the money?
Just spotting the money?
It's on loan.
Yeah, because I feel like I'm going to start a podcast.
I'm going to come in way too late.
You're going to get a book of coupons.
Yeah.
You're going to get an IOU from Spotify.
It's weird.
It's too much money.
People are getting it.
I don't know.
Yours is already on there.
So what is the thing?
Yeah.
Do you just be like, do you walk in there with like a black trench coat and a suitcase and you got to fill it with money or I take it off Spotify?
No, they're not going to give us anything.
What is Spotify?
What is their communication with us been like?
You can be honest.
We're not getting any money.
There's been no offer.
But our agent lied, like, he lies and says he's getting us money.
Yeah, he says a deal might come through.
Our agent, they make stuff up.
Yeah, of course.
And they tell you that there's a big deal coming and it's just not true.
Yeah, SiriusXM.
Yeah, Sirius.
Oh, we're getting the deal.
Yeah.
And they'll call you up.
They're like, there's a company called Clincher.
Like, it's all a fake thing.
Like, it's a digital media content.
And they're really interested.
It's just a general name with the company.
Yeah.
Bill Sirius called.
He wants to give you $250 million.
But $300 million.
Now, you'll never see it because it's not real, but just tell me how you feel.
Did you like the number?
Yeah.
I think they offered Rogan money and he said no.
And then when the pandemic hit, they're like, how about this?
And he's like, okay, let's do it.
But does that mean you take your podcast off other platforms?
What does that mean?
It did for him, right?
Joe, you can't get anywhere but Spotify.
Oh.
Spotify exclusive.
Call Your Daddy, I also believe exclusive.
Call your daddy.
Call her daddy.
Call her daddy.
But call your daddy.
So much funnier.
Call your daddy is better.
If it was a show where she had to call her father and tell him all the things she did sexually, I would really prefer that show.
I'm going to tell you, now I'm listening.
Now I'm in.
Like, she calls him up and she's like, Dad?
And he goes, It's the fourth episode.
He's like, oh, my God.
He's like, he knows she's rolling.
It starts with the ringing.
And then it's just him picking up that click in and it goes, now what?
He's so dejected.
And she's just like, well, you know, it's another episode of Call Your Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
And he's like, hey.
And she goes, all right, so I want to tell you this story.
When I was at Cancun, he's like, you just hear him like, here's your eyes clinking in his glass.
He's like, Jesus fucking Christ.
Episode eight, you just, you hear the phone go down and then a gunshot.
He just blows his brains out.
Call your daddy.
But that, that, uh, that one's exclusive too.
I think when they give you the big money, when they roll out the biggins, you can't, you, they, Spotify's like, they can't find this show.
Right.
Other than if they find this podcast anywhere but Spotify, we'll kill them.
Like, that's the level of.
We'll kill your daddy.
Yeah, we'll kill your daddy.
So those are the big deals they made.
They made The Ringer, they made Rogan.
They made Call Her Daddy at Dak Shepard's podcast.
What did Dak Shepard get?
I read 60, but you know what?
This is his whole thing.
Positivity.
Isn't he just, isn't his biggest claim to fame being married to Kristen Bell?
I kind of believe it probably was, but now he's got this massive show.
And I don't, what is it?
It's armchair expert.
But what is it?
So he's like a therapist to like Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan and all these people.
Why?
I'm like curious.
They're really rich and famous.
So what's the problem?
Yeah, you don't need someone rich to tell you that you're rich still.
Rodney Dangerfield's Legacy00:12:10
I'm aware of it.
Right.
The armchair is nice.
Yeah.
That's all it is.
Like, I can tell this is a good armchair.
Thank you.
What?
I don't know anything about his podcast.
I'm sure he's a good guy.
I don't want to find out a guy is pretending to be an expert and getting paid $60 million for it.
Because there's an actual expert very upset.
Yeah.
How many experts that are actual experts have zero dollars?
Maybe Spotify could get some of them.
So the website says the Armchair Expert Podcast celebrates the messiness of being human.
I mean, I can't.
Are these windows open?
Yeah.
Let me just jump out from here.
Canal Aurora is with us, by the way.
Follow Kanalaura.
Give people your social media.
It's all day KCA.
All day KCA.
Is that everywhere?
Is that on everything?
It's on Twitter.
It's on QAnon.
It's on Instagram.
It's the website.
It's everything.
4chan.
Fundamentalist.com.
I'm everywhere.
Hilarious comedian started with me.
You know, we were like, I was going to say thugging it out.
I don't know why.
We were not thugging it out.
I was going to say we were thugging it out at Open Microsoft.
I'm thugging it out.
Yeah.
I don't know what thugging it out means, but we were at Open Mics in 2010.
Yes.
Late 2010.
Yes.
I met you.
I was doing my first set ever at, which I might have done better than tonight.
I'm kidding.
I love New York.
It was, I was at a coffee shop in Long Island called Wild Child.
Slash Tattoo Parlor.
Tattoo Parlor.
Yes.
And you'd bomb and you'd hear the needle buzz.
You hear, whenever you bomb, it's just a guy going, ugh.
Yeah, this guy.
And they were all going to like get their, like, they would get like some chick's name tattooed on them.
Right.
That tattoo shop did a lot of like, like, like whatever.
What is the term when you like turn one tattoo into another one?
A transformation?
Maybe.
I don't know.
It was a lot of names being changed and dogs' faces.
Because it was a lot of dogs.
But I remember there was always like a consultation.
Like, we'd walk in and we'd see somebody and they'd be like, okay, so here's what we could do.
It's like, well, you made a mistake.
Here's what we could do.
We could turn your ex-girlfriend's name into RIP and nice 9-11.
We could do like an RIP to heroes with towers.
And they're like, okay.
I constantly heard from those tattoo chairs, you know, this is permanent.
Now, you know, this is permanent, right?
You know, you can't walk in here tomorrow and get rid of this.
And by the way, they should, like, that was such a weird, eerie thing for us to hear doing stand-up comedy because it's like, oh, fuck, this is permanent.
Yeah.
For a lot of us, it was permanent.
And I was doing my set, and it was like, whatever, dumb.
And Kanal had like a little net book.
Yes.
I remember this.
It was a little like a net book.
Right.
And you were like typing on it.
And every now and then I would say something funny and he'd go, ha.
He'd have like a little, he'd have like a little like, ah.
Yeah.
It was.
And then, and then I was, because Kanal was a guy I was at one to like impress.
And then there was another guy with a Scott who I didn't want to impress.
He gave me a fake name the first time I met him.
What did he?
He's like, my name is Michael.
And I was like, this is, I'm going to know this man for the rest of my life.
Yeah.
Why?
Why did he do that?
I don't know.
He's just a weird, you know, Scott's a weird guy.
He's an online guy.
He's a great guy.
I love him, but he's nuts.
But I remember that.
That was the beginning of, and then Kanal, like, we would go into the city and like do stand-up comedy at these crazy places.
Yeah, I started doing this thing called Trip Sunday.
Yes.
And you would take two comics.
I would take two comics with me.
So it would be three comics, three mics, one day.
Basically 100 miles of driving.
And it was usually me, you, Dennis, Scott.
Yeah, it would be, it would alter.
It'd always switch around.
Switch.
Yeah, because sometimes you might be booked.
Sometimes you just, sometimes you're like, you know what, man, I don't want to eat my fucking ass three days, three mics in a row.
That was a great day of comedy.
Yes.
Because we did a hipster mic.
Yeah.
A black mic.
Yeah.
And then Long Island.
A club mic.
Sad mic.
It would always end good or bad at a pizza shop across the street.
Yes.
Eating a couple slices.
And one of the saddest moments, and I want to let you tell the story because you remember exactly how it happened.
Right.
Was the night you decided you had to move into New York City.
So we're doing, it was like another trip Sunday.
I mean, there's 100 miles of driving for one day.
It's a lot.
Yeah.
Because we would start in Long Island or I'd pick you up.
Yes.
Or you'd come to my mom's place and then we shoot into the city.
We do these mics.
We're fine to trying to figure out parking, trying to get to these things, and then shoot out to Long Island.
And not like regular, not like, you know, a simple like New Hyde Park.
Nothing like that.
We're talking in there.
Deep.
Deep.
Huntington.
Yes.
Yeah.
So, and it's not every day would everything work.
In fact, most of the times it wouldn't.
Right.
You're just eating it all day long.
So this day, nobody's happy.
Yeah.
We're all, we're in the car.
We're now in Deep Long Island, Huntington.
We had bombed at the hipster mic.
Yes.
Bombed in the black room.
Yes.
Now we're heading back home.
Right.
And we're now at this mic in Huntington.
It's a second floor.
It's this place.
I think it was called Chesterfields.
Yes.
Yeah.
And it was like, it had some history to it, but nobody knows what.
Nobody knows the history, but everyone always said, you know, this place is known.
I think they used to say Eddie Murphy started here.
Eddie Murphy started here, which no one knew what that meant.
I think Eddie Murphy took the bus that passed by there.
I still have no idea what that meant.
No clue.
But people would be like, have some respect.
Eddie Murphy started here.
Yeah, but like, they have a picture and it's a white guy named Eddie Murphy.
Yeah.
Yeah, by the way, it's also, these are the most racist people in America telling you that Eddie Murphy started there.
I'm like, you're an insanely racist person.
Like, you know, they're just taking pride in the accomplishments of.
Like, there's a picture of Eddie Murphy, but there's racial epithets scrawled on the glass.
Eddie Murphy started here.
You should have stayed here.
It's like, okay.
So we're sitting there, and I'm sitting next to you, and we're just watching people go up.
Yeah.
And then a guy gets up and he is a Rodney Dangerfield impersonator.
Yes.
As to why you need to do Rodney's material at an open mic, beyond me.
Yeah.
It's already tried.
Yes.
Yeah.
He did it on Letterman.
Right.
I mean, you know what I mean?
He did it on Carson.
You're not working anything out.
Yeah.
Right.
It's like, why do you need to retry material on Carson?
Does that get no respect word?
Yes.
For your audience, it does.
For whatever birthday party has hired you, yeah, this is going to be fine.
Who quality controls Rodney Dangerfield's material?
But the guy's up there.
He's got the suit.
He's got the tie.
He's shaking the tie.
I ain't got no respect.
And then you hear somebody yell from offstage, what the fuck?
And we look over because we're like, this is an open mic.
Nobody should be heckling.
Right.
It's mostly comics anyway.
Yeah.
And we look over and by the door is another Rodney Dangerfield impersonator dressed in a suit and red tie going, you stole my act in complete earnestness.
Yes.
No, to the extent to which this is not a joke, that it was not, that no one appreciated this in a comedic way at all.
But what the fuck was genuine?
He was shaken to his core.
He walked into a Rodney Dangerfield.
He saw the other one and was like, what the fuck?
And he goes, he yells from off stage, just because I had a heart attack, you think you can do my act?
Yes.
Which is Rodney's act.
But whatever.
And I lean over to you and I just whisper, I'm moving next week.
I'm moving to the city.
So first of all, one Rodney gets off.
The next Rodney, then like they let him go up right after.
Right, right, right.
Because he's like upset.
And he does look sick.
Like he's not, he's older.
He's pale.
He had legitimately suffered a heart attack.
He was like in recovery for a cardiac incident.
It was not good.
And he cuts the line and he goes, this is how you do it.
And does more Rodney material.
And then he goes like this.
He goes, I'm here.
And he goes, I'm recovering from a heart attack.
He goes, I don't know if I can still do this.
And I just want to try this out because this is the way I make money.
Yes.
And I want to know if I can still do it.
So now it's like the added pressure of like, not only Jay.
And he wasn't that good.
No.
I could barely tell it was Rodney.
I'm going to tell you right now, doing a Rodney Dangerfield impersonation.
Yeah.
It's a young man's game.
It's not.
It's a young man.
And by young men, I mean 40s.
Yeah, 40s.
Early 40s.
Yes.
Yeah.
And I was like, I got to go.
And you were the first amongst us to have to leave.
Yeah, I lived in an apartment in the East Village.
Yes.
In Alphabet City.
Alphabet City.
Yeah, C and 9th.
And you were the first one.
And I was so impressed.
And everybody was like, fuck, he's doing it.
Yeah.
He's actually doing it.
Right.
He's actually leaving.
He's not going to have pizza with us anymore.
No.
No.
He's leaving.
And then you moved right after.
I moved pretty soon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I moved pretty soon because I used to hang out with you.
Yes.
And I used to, and I'm like, man, come on.
This is better.
Right.
I just realized it was better.
I'm like, this works.
Yeah, this is what we should have been doing.
Because it was easy.
This is the thing.
This is the trap.
It's easy to do open mics in Long Island because you drive to the thing.
Yes.
You drive, you park your car.
Yes.
There's a parking lot.
Yes.
And you walk right in, you do your set, and then you leave.
Right.
It's not like the city where you're on the subway.
Yes.
You're someone is dancing in front of you.
Yes.
And you're like, I got to make these jokes work.
Right.
And then you go mic to mic to mic.
It's not like that.
In Long Island, you're still the same person.
Yeah.
But you're just doing comedy.
Yeah.
That's the problem.
You could still work at Verizon.
Right.
And do your bullshit.
Yes.
So it's fun.
If you make that sacrifice to move into New York City, you're taking on a different identity.
I had a conversation with some comics and they were like, well, what makes you a comic, a comedian?
Right.
And they were like, well, is it money?
And I'm like, well, I think that you got to give up a certain amount.
Yes.
And that's what it is.
You're right.
Yeah.
And a lot of these guys moved from other places here to do comedy.
It has to be, to me, when I look at it, I don't think it's money.
To me, it has to be the organizing principle of your life.
Yes.
That's what I view it as.
Right.
To be a real comedian.
Yeah.
To be somebody who does comedy, whatever.
But if you're a comedian, to do it, it's got to be the organizing principle of your life.
Meaning, I'm a comedian, and these are the choices I made in pursuit of that.
You could make money and it can still not be the organizing principle of your life.
Absolutely.
There are people that we met in Long Island who were just like, yeah, this is what I get paid to do this.
And you're like, people pay for this?
We always knew what we didn't want to be.
Yeah.
I think that's a great thing about starting in Long Island.
Right.
Listen, I went back to Long Island and I was at the diners there and I was, you know, showing my friends there.
And I'm like, I'm really happy.
And listen, I love Long Island.
Yeah.
I grew up there, but I'm really happy I got out of there.
Yeah, man.
I'm really happy.
When you go back to those diners, they stink.
Dying Alone in New York00:09:04
They're horrible.
They're terrible.
And you know what it is?
There's like four good diners in the entire Long Island.
I mean, I think they all used to be better, but now it's just, but you also look at the people and you look at everything and you go, you know what?
I'm glad my journey was out.
Right.
I'm glad my journey was out of here.
Absolutely.
You know?
Yeah.
And it doesn't mean that like I won't eventually move back there and get addicted to uphills.
I thought we went to a Dar Williams concert yesterday.
Okay.
Yes.
Dar Williams is a folk singer.
Yeah.
And you put me on to Dar Williams.
And she's not bad.
I saw her YouTube live.
Yes.
During the pandemic.
So many people right now are like, they hate when they, when there's actually incontrovertible proof that I suck dick.
Yeah.
And this is, they hate it.
They're like, because they can ignore it for so much of the content.
And then every now and then they're like, fuck.
But not here.
Not here.
Not when Dar is mentioned.
Now, Dar Williams, she was like a folk singer who like is like, she's Northeastern.
Yeah.
Like lives in like, you know, the Hudson River Valley.
Yes.
That's where we saw her.
Yeah, we saw her.
Purple crayon was her.
Purple crayon.
Yeah.
She's, you know, she's always trying to like spring terrorists from jail.
I respect.
She was like banging a tambourine outside, you know, some terrorist fucking thing.
Yeah.
But how was the YouTube?
It was good.
It was great.
It was fun.
It was like, you know, we're in the pandemic.
We were during the pandemic.
I was like, what else am I going to do?
I got a little upset with her because the last time I saw her in Brooklyn, she started bringing out like a bunch of other people.
Like she brought out a poet.
I don't want that anymore.
No, no, no.
She started bringing out people and I started going, hey, man, do the hour.
Right.
Do the hour.
This is the pandemic, so nobody's visiting.
Good.
I was like, this is perfect.
You got to do the work.
Yeah.
Like, she'd bring out a poet and then somebody did a poem.
And then she like brought like someone from the neighborhood up in Brooklyn.
I don't care about your gardening issues.
Yeah, right.
It was kind of like that.
And somebody's talking about like voting for like voting for like a council woman.
I'm like, hey.
And everything was like, I'm just like, at least play guitar in the background.
Something.
We're just fucking doing that.
It's like if I came on this podcast and talked about a leaky fire hydrant.
Like, I got to tell you guys, what really matters here.
Like, I'll do it on my personal time.
Don't make it the show.
Yeah.
Don't make it the fucking show.
Right.
What have you liked?
You were in New York for the entire pandemic.
Yes.
And that's a lot of people left.
Yes.
A lot of people left.
People went home.
They went back to their cities that they came from, comics.
Do you judge that?
No.
Okay.
No.
Why am I?
It's like, good.
Good.
Yeah.
Go home.
You need this.
Mentally, you need this.
Yes.
You're unwell.
Yeah.
They've been here too long.
Yes.
It's this is the same thing.
I'll get our, like, you know, this is what I said about when you start here, right?
When you start here, what really sucks is that when you start in, I don't know, Chicago and you come to New York, you come to New York, and then you get, you sharpen your teeth, you go back to Chicago, you murder.
Right.
Your self-esteem chips are filled.
Right.
And now it's like, oh, I feel ready to go back into that muck that's the city.
Yes.
When you start in New York City, there's no place to collect self-esteem.
No.
So a lot of these people are long overdue.
For a little hit.
Their little hit.
The little hit of self-esteem.
Yeah.
They need it back, a home-cooked meal.
Yes.
Something, someone to hug them.
I think it was good for a lot of people to go and reconnect with family.
Right.
And maybe they needed to reconnect with who they were before they moved to places like New York.
Or their original psychiatrist.
Yes.
Yeah.
Or the original person.
Absolutely.
It knows how to help them.
Right.
Exactly.
Like, you were long overdue for these antidepressants.
Yeah.
It's, it's fucking, it's wild to think about who we all were like before we knew that this could happen.
Right.
And then now having this fucking think about death in a real way.
Yeah, absolutely.
In an actual real way.
Like, like, yeah, this ends.
And we don't know when.
Right.
Could be sooner than, like, you know, I remember like, you know, like comorbidities when that started, you know, which is, you know, you know, fat.
You know, I just remember like when they started talking about comorbidities, comorbidities, I was like, you know, I just get nervous.
I'm like, what is?
What are these comorbidities?
And, and, and, and I don't have diabetes or anything like that, but they're like, fat's a big one.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
There was a big, there was a comic on the bigger side who was, he died.
Died.
Yeah, from COVID.
This guy, Kenny Ortega.
Big guy.
Funny dude.
Funny guy.
Could kill in pretty much any room.
And unfortunately passed away.
Got COVID, passed away.
And that's the thing.
Like you start thinking about it.
I'm like, fuck.
I'm like, all right, I don't have diabetes.
Right.
I'm like, but I fucking smoke.
I don't.
I'm not smoking now.
But I'm like, and then you have the weight.
Right.
And then I'm 36.
Right.
I'm like, I'm not.
And they're like, you know, I'd always look at that chart with like, well, when the brackets of your age.
The brackets.
I'm like, well, people in their 30s, but I'm like, I'm 36.
Yeah.
And it's, you know, and I was an alcoholic and a drug addict for a decade.
Over a day.
Well, over a decade.
Yeah.
From 13 to 25, about 12 years.
And you go, you go, yeah, I don't know that I want to go to the dance with this.
Stay home.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And a lot of people went home.
They went back to their family.
And I don't judge them for it.
Go for it.
Do that.
And also, it's your family.
You don't even know if they're going to live.
Right.
You don't know if your parents are going to live.
Yeah.
So you're going to sit there and what?
Tough it out in New York City?
Right.
That's insane behavior.
I know a lot of people that went back home.
To me, for me, there's no home to go.
And there hasn't been a home to go forever.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
And I guess I could have went home.
Right.
But I mean, I live with my girlfriend.
Right.
No.
You have a life.
Yeah.
I have a certain age.
Yeah.
Where it's harder to do that.
Right.
It's harder to do that.
My father and his wife would have been like, please die alone.
Like they would have been like, please like die.
Like have the decency after all the shit you've talked about us.
After all the money you've made.
Like dragging our names through the mud.
Please do not come back here to die.
Like, I mean, do I want to die there?
Like, do I want to die there with my stepmother rolling her eyes?
Like, rolling her eyes out.
Nobody wants to be dying and having somebody give you a shady look.
Yeah.
Nobody wants like a dirty look.
Like, like, not so funny now, are you, fat ass?
And I'm just like, my last few actions would be to cough on you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, so there was nowhere.
But then you start thinking about like, I'm like, if I die, these were dark thoughts.
Like, you have a girlfriend.
Yeah.
I'm single.
I mean, I guess I could call one of these guys in their early 20s that I've, you know, fucked because they like hotel rooms and sneakers and go, hey, would you want to sit by my bedside while I die?
It's such a weird fucking thing.
I don't know.
I'm like, hey.
No, they'll straight up be like, am I in a will or something?
I'll have to like negotiate.
I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's fucked, right?
Because I've been, you don't have much.
I have this career.
Right.
I have the career.
Yes.
That's what I have.
And the career is good.
But the career is the least, the last thing you want.
Yes.
If you're dying.
Right.
Right?
Right.
But if when there's no opportunities, it's the career is the first thing you want.
So the career is what you want.
It's either first or last in a lot of places.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's weird to think about because I had those thoughts.
You know, I had those thoughts.
Like I was on the road.
I was on the road during the pandemic when cases would drop.
Well, they would drop like last summer.
People were like, it's over.
And I'm like, all right.
You get a few shows in and then we're like, it ain't over.
And cases went up and then we'd back off the road.
But like I was out on the road.
I got my opener was like 24, 25.
And he's fine.
He was young.
Yeah.
And he's like, his whole thing was he's like, no one, no one's fucking anymore and I can't go out to bars.
And my whole thing in my head, I'm like, I'm going to die alone.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, I'm like, well, I understand that.
He's like, yeah, the fucking bars.
These chicks on Tinder, they're weird because of the pandemic.
I'm like, understood.
Right.
But also, I will die here alone.
A Jarring Midwest Experience00:06:50
But in his, to his, to what he's saying about, you know, not being able to go out to the bars and these restaurants closing.
Yeah.
Some of them had to go.
Yes.
Yes.
Some of these restaurants had to go.
It was.
And it's just like a friend said that like, oh, they can use COVID as an excuse to close up.
Yes.
But some of them, good.
I'm happy your dream was crushed.
Some of them need to go.
I didn't need to eat at your shitty burger restaurant that people showed up to had horrible brunch.
Yes.
And it's like people were like, oh, this is no, good.
Board up the walls.
Yeah.
I'm happy.
Good.
And you know what?
I hope somebody, I don't want to say death, but I just hope someone was affected because I don't want it coming back.
No, I want lung scar.
I don't want someone sponsoring this place.
I don't want to GoFundMe appearing.
No, I don't want to none of this.
I hope you realize your life shouldn't be dedicated to Sriracha Aoli.
No.
Get out of my life.
Yeah, no, there are necessary changes.
Yeah, you're jarring things.
Yeah.
No, you're jarring.
You annoy me.
Do you think differently now about anything?
I mean, right now, this is the thing.
You said something.
I heard you on some, on, you were saying that New York City is frightening to some capacity when you were here briefly.
Probably.
It was.
There was.
It was.
We were in Times Square late at night.
That's what I wanted to do.
I wanted to bring that up.
Yes.
Because a lot of, you know, you said that a lot about, and, you know, people think Times Square is just all of New York City.
Right.
But you're right.
Times Square.
At first, when I heard you say that, I was like, man, Tim, he's going a little too much.
I know.
And then I went to Times Square.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, this place is haunting.
Yeah.
No, it's just a little weird.
Yeah.
I mean, it is you.
Still the greatest city in the world.
Sure.
But I always got to be honest.
I mean, I've never been to Tokyo.
So who was?
Who knows?
Sure.
Well, it threw me a little bit.
Yes.
Because I said, this is, you know, it's scary.
Yeah.
It was scary.
You could hear.
Here's the thing.
You could hear.
You think I'm going to get raped?
Yeah.
It's not good.
Right.
When someone may rape me as a goof, not even, it's not even sexual at that point.
It's just something to do.
You could hear a syringe fall.
Yes.
And it's, and that's when it's terrifying.
That's when it's terrifying.
So it was certain parts of New York City were scary.
Yes.
We're very scary.
Yes.
Where I live was fine.
It was not a big deal.
I would say that living through the pandemic, what did it teach me?
What did I walk away with?
Go hard.
Yeah.
Come, if you're coming back, gather all the self-esteem.
Leave your stupid clothes at home and just bring all that in and go as hard as possible.
Yeah.
I lived through it here.
I'm fine.
Right.
And I was cautious.
Right.
And the subways are not so bad now.
Yeah.
And I think because people are, I think because there's more people out, which means that more money is trickling down to the homeless.
Yes.
And the crazies.
And that is better for the city.
Yes.
Because the thing is, before there weren't enough people on the subway.
These homeless people are now starving.
Right.
And nobody's looking at it.
And the few, like it, subway cars, if you had like one or two people filled in it, right?
Right.
No one's going to give you money.
Percentages drop dramatically.
But when you got like a decently filled subway car, you get a couple dollars and that's okay.
So now that the city's bouncing back, I think homeless people and people that are on the streets are less aggressive.
I it's so funny to say this because I grew up here.
Yeah.
I grew up in Long Island.
I lived here for years.
And when I come back here, I love it.
I love being here.
I don't feel like, I don't feel like it's home.
I've gone, I've gone too far off the reservation.
Yeah.
No, this isn't a home to you.
Yeah.
Look at where we're at.
Yeah.
I'm like, I'm like gone from here.
I'm softer now.
Yeah.
Like I'm not as hard.
Like, you know, the whole New York hard, like, fuck it.
Right.
I don't give a shit.
Somebody's bleeding on the subway.
I think that's cool.
I think it's cool when kids get shot.
It's gritty.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
New York do it die.
I'm just not like none of that makes any sense to me anymore.
You know, as I get older, I start going, it's nonsensical.
You know what?
I realized my thing is, I don't want to be New York tough.
Yeah.
I want to be, I want to be Midwest considerate.
Those people treat each other relatively well.
Yeah.
I remember being in Chicago the first time, and that's not even Chicago.
People from the Midwest don't even consider that a real taste of the Midwest.
Right.
Some woman, I was talking to a buddy, and I was like, I got to find a Chase ATM.
And some woman pops up out of nowhere.
Well, if you go and go, who are you?
Yeah.
I almost flipped out on her.
And I go, this is not a right way to act.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
This city does something to you.
Yeah.
And I think that's good.
Yes.
And I think the great innovations and the great things that we've learned to appreciate whether it's in the realm of art or wherever.
Right.
Come from being shaken out of your comfort zone.
Yes.
And being willing to shake yourself out of your comfort zone.
Right.
But I do think there is also some value to not losing yourself in this city.
No.
And I know a lot of people who I love and whom I have great respect for, who I feel like, you know, when New Yorkers, I used to think New Yorkers were the worldliest people in the world.
No.
And now when New Yorkers leave New York and they're like, I remember going to New Orleans with Giannis and Sam Murill and they were like, why can't you get a slice?
Why can't you get a turkey sandwich?
I'm like, guys, there's a food here that doesn't exist anywhere else.
Yes.
Creole food doesn't really exist anywhere else in America.
It's this amazing fusion of like French, Caribbean, Haitian, all this stuff.
And it's only here.
Why are we talking about turkey sandwiches?
But they never stop.
It's a common New York thing to walk into a place that's not New York City and then immediately compare it to something that's New York City and then to be a complete piece of shit about it.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, wait, wait, wait.
Creole job.
You mean this is like halal guys?
Yeah, right, right, right.
Yeah.
It's like a French halal guy.
It's like, no, it's not.
It's not.
And some, I used to do that all the time when Ben met me.
Yeah.
I used to do the old, and I still do it.
Yes.
I still do it.
I still find myself doing it.
Surrendering to Austin Life00:03:54
But I catch myself.
Yeah.
Like, or like Cafe Du Monde.
Yes.
You take New Yorkers there and they'll be like, Zeppelies.
Right.
Right?
No, no, no.
This is like bagels thrown in a deep fryer.
It's not.
It's not that at all.
You can just appreciate something that's not.
And I've just gotten to the point now where I love it.
I come back here.
I feel like I'm on a vacation.
Yes.
And I've surrendered to Los Angeles for good or ill.
Yeah.
I've surrendered.
You called me.
Surrendered.
And first of all, I saw like a 310 number.
I don't know if I can give that.
It's zip codes.
It's fine.
Yeah.
And I'll find it.
Yeah.
They'll eventually.
It's fine.
And I just, I got two numbers from that.
And I was like, someone really wants to spam me on some bullshit.
Someone wants to tell me my warranty's overdue.
Yeah.
And then it was you.
And I was like, oh, shit.
But I do want to also tell you that you have been selected by Marriott.
It's funny that you mentioned that because you have been selected as well.
I thought when you were like, oh, I'm staying here.
I sent you the wrong hotel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you sent me, I was like, I just, I don't know.
When I went out there, I was, I think, I didn't know if I was done.
You found your place there.
Yes.
You were doing well here.
Yes.
You were, everything was going, was clicking in place for you.
The shows were moving.
What's the thing called?
You got, there was like things that you were getting.
Yeah.
Montreal, whatever, the comics to watch.
But I still felt like there was something missing.
Yeah.
And then when you went out there, it's just like, it's like you figured that out.
Well, I figured it out, I hope.
And I figured it out with this kid's help.
Right.
And we figured it out in a garage.
I'm going to have to kidnap him on the way out.
You should.
He's amazing.
We figured it out in the garage.
I hope you're ready to start over.
Yeah.
By the way, he always is.
There were others before me.
They're just more funny.
Some of them look like me.
He's got a little bit of a chubby Irish fetish.
Anyway, not going to know.
COVID took most of them out.
COVID took most of them.
No, it's shockingly.
Nobody who deserved to die of COVID did.
But there's real.
There's real moments of like, fuck, you know.
And as I get older now, I think just more about like, yeah, we all got to plant the flag eventually and try to find or create some type of home.
Yeah.
And I think I have to do it in Los Angeles.
Right.
You know?
Right.
It's not Austin.
It's not Austin, Texas.
No.
I tried.
Yeah.
Four months.
Right.
Gave it a shot.
I knew.
This is the thing.
I was after my set, I had to leave.
I had to do a show in a specialty cheese shop and a milk bar.
Right.
So I'm right as I'm walking out.
You're talking about how Austin's got like things that Austin has that New York doesn't.
Right.
And I go, as soon as I heard you phrase it that way, I go, he's done with Austin.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because you're only throwing it in New Yorkers' faces because it's enjoyable.
Yes, because it's fun.
Yeah, it's just fun.
And it's fun to tell New York they suck, even if they don't.
And everyone knows I hate Austin.
And the thing about Austin is a sea list town.
And that's really what it is.
Across the board.
It's not about anything specifically.
Across the board, it is not where the best and the brightest go.
No.
It is where the dullest go.
As historically happens.
The best of the dullest.
Yeah, the best of the dullest.
And I just got to go.
And I love Joe.
And, you know, I'll work his club when it opens or whatever.
I'm just, I think it's a horrible place.
And I wish nothing but pain for everyone there.
I mean, truly.
And I've been kind of honest about that.
Right.
But, you know, but I've realized during this pandemic that life is short.
Yes.
Life is short.
Right.
Defining Self-Worth Honestly00:13:06
And you can't.
I was, you know, a lot of your life, you spend bullshitting yourself.
Right.
And others.
And you have to.
Because a lot of your life is like, you know, you're fighting with your own insecurity.
You're fighting with your own sense of like self-worth.
Right.
And you got to like, you got to build yourself up.
Then you knock yourself down.
Yeah.
And you try to get to this like stasis where you're just like, okay, I'm great.
I'm not a king and I'm not the worst person that's ever lived.
And that's hard for comics.
Yeah.
Because every day we're like, it's tough.
You wake up and it's a different, it's a different feeling.
Yes.
Or you do a set and it's a different feeling.
Totally different.
You leave and you're like, I'm the king of the world.
I walked out tonight.
Tonight was a fine show.
I did great, but it was not as well as I had done in the past.
So I'm like, you know, I was just unhappy.
Right.
And my sense of happiness is very tied into how this goes.
And that's not right.
But it's not, I'm too old for that.
Yeah.
Here's what I started to realize.
I'm actually too old for it.
No, as somebody older, you are.
Right.
It's too much.
Like, I don't, it doesn't matter how the sets go.
You just walk away.
And it's just like, who gives a shit?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Somebody I was telling my girlfriend, I'm doing your podcast.
She's like, oh, this is a big deal.
And I go, yeah, I know.
It's good.
But, you know, who gives a shit?
I agree.
Right.
Like, I'm happy to do it.
Well, I'm happy to talk to you.
We haven't spoken in a long time.
I think what makes podcasts good is that I have genuine interest in what you have to say.
Right.
And there's, I don't have a lot of guests on the show because I don't have genuine interest in what a lot of people have to say.
Right.
But, you know, you were the first friend I had in comedy.
Yes.
Truly.
Yeah.
And you're not white.
I want to say that because I always get accused of like racism.
I'm like, everybody's, you know.
Am I like Tony Woods to your Dave Chappelle?
You are here.
I'm going to be on They Ready?
You're here to counter a narrative.
You're countering a narrative.
No, but you were the first dude who loved comedy.
Yeah.
That I really became friends with, who loved comedy.
And we had a lot of other friends.
We knew a lot of other people.
Right.
And their relationship is comedy is what it is.
But the, you know, but you were the first person where I was like, this guy loves comedy.
He cares about it.
Yes.
You cared so much about it.
Right.
And you wanted it to be you.
I remember we would be at your house and your mom would make us dinner.
Yeah.
And really good dinner.
Like butter chicken, these really good Indian dishes.
She's retired, but I want to like chain her to a kitchen.
I know.
You got to get her back.
I want to open a restaurant and open up those closed burger shacks and have her do her own thing.
It was so good.
Yeah.
And I remember we would talk, and that's back in the era when like we were just coming into the city as like these Long Island guys.
Yeah, they would always be.
Yeah.
They'd always like look down on you.
Of course.
Yeah.
For good reason.
Of course.
Yeah.
It's fair.
It didn't help that we ran in and be like, you know, Eddie Murphy.
Yeah.
It didn't help that we're like, we're basically like Eddie Murphy.
Right, right, right.
I mean, I'd call myself Eddie Murphy.
You call yourself Kevin James.
Yeah.
So just, it didn't work.
But no, that was the era when we were starting shows.
Yes.
Wanted to be taken seriously.
Right.
And this was the era.
We were in our mid-20s and we were like, we are choosing, this is our life now.
Yes.
And that was, and I'm so far away from that now.
Like, it's so weird.
Yes.
And I've moved three steps from that.
You as well.
Like, you're older.
You have a girlfriend.
You're mature.
You've lived this life.
I mean, how awful would it be?
Yeah.
If you come back here and I'm still like, got to get a 12 o'clock midnight mic in.
Yeah, yeah.
That would be crazy.
I would hope you'd come here to kill me.
That would be crazy.
Yeah.
It'd strangle me with this mic cord if I didn't find some semblance.
Yes.
Well, no, you, you, you love, this is what you love.
Like, comedy something.
I've never loved anything else.
I know.
Uh, that wasn't like other than a girlfriend.
Other than, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the dog.
Yeah, sure.
Right.
But I mean, as a, as like a thing.
Right.
I never loved a thing.
I didn't know you could do this as a thing.
Right.
I would, you know, the first time I watched, I remember watching SNL.
Yes.
And it was recently?
No, Like this was, and who was on Kevin Nealon was doing the weekend update.
But I, comedy to me, like being Indian and like, we didn't see any of this shit.
Right.
I thought Kevin Nealon was legitimately trying to get fired from his news job.
Yeah.
I'm like, this guy is going to get fired.
Yeah.
He's making fun of the news.
Yeah.
And then I realized, oh, this is a comedy show?
Oh, yeah.
You can do this.
Yeah.
And then I'd see people on TV telling jokes and going, you can actually do this.
And watching that and still being, no, this is not even possible.
Yeah.
And then getting able to do it.
Right.
And then for me, that goes, I would never want to stop this.
Right.
Any which way.
Now, what, why do you think there are less immigrant, you know, like the immigrant story doesn't usually involve comedy?
Yeah, because I.
And of course not, because, I mean, imagine.
Right.
If everyone's parents and grandparents got here and said, I want to be a clown.
They would turn the ship's back.
Right.
Yeah.
No, absolutely.
They would drive the ship into the statue of the world.
Remember, like white people are so kind of out of it and don't really care about their children that when we all said we're going to be comedians, our parents are like, hey, great, as long as it doesn't involve us.
Yeah.
And my dad's like, as long as you're old enough now, I don't have to drive you to the comedy, right?
The reason why immigrants are worried when their kids do this.
Yeah, it's because the reason why it happens or doesn't happen is because your parents either beat you hard enough to talk you out of it.
Yeah.
Or didn't beat you enough.
Right.
And then you end up doing it.
Right.
And then quitting and then going, I'm going to do a real thing.
Right.
And I think I get it.
Yeah.
Shit.
I get it.
My brother's a doctor.
Right.
First one in my family.
Yeah.
Is it harder?
Because to me, I think it's, is it, is it at a certain point, you stop explaining?
Right.
And you can just, you go, people don't have to understand your life decisions.
Yeah.
That to me is the big thing.
Right.
That if there's one thing that I think the generation under us, it's not the PC or the whatever and all the fighting.
I don't even get on them, but yes, they're a little ridiculous about that.
But the main thing, and maybe this ties into that or not.
I don't know.
I would say you don't have to win everyone.
No.
That's no.
I see people out there, whether it's their family, their friends, their community.
Yes.
They need everyone that they've ever met to agree with them or to love them.
That is a real recipe for a non-binary BIPOC cisgender.
I don't throw all the adjectives in front of my show.
You don't need to win any.
You don't just need to win enough people.
Yes.
You don't need to win everybody.
Right.
And it's great that way.
Yes.
And it's okay.
There's always people on my show that shouldn't be.
Absolutely.
There's always people in the audience, some of them women, who don't, who aren't, it's not for them.
Right.
And that's okay.
Yeah.
Go watch a bachelor recap.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah.
It's like, I just, there's, it's, we are, I think, I think that's the one thing I've learned as I get older is that I don't care who likes gay people.
Right.
I don't care who likes me.
Yeah.
I don't care who thinks I'm funny outside of the people who already think I'm fun.
Like, I want you to think I'm funny.
I'm going to work my ass off to hopefully have you think that.
I want you to think I'm a decent person.
Right.
I don't need you to think I'm a great person.
I'd like you to think I'm smart.
I don't need you to think I'm, I don't want you to think I'm a genius.
I don't think I'm a genius.
But I've also learned to take the foot off the gas with that stuff because I think that's the stuff.
When you first started, that was a big deal to you.
Huge.
It was a big deal.
Huge.
Yeah, you wanted people to know everything.
And like, this is my journey.
This is my ride.
And this is the thing.
Some people, that's not their bus.
Right.
Yeah.
They don't give a shit.
Absolutely.
They just want the yucks.
Yes.
Give them the yucks.
Yes.
That's it.
Yeah.
No, when I first started, I thought that we all, our job was to inflict ourselves on people to a point where they just said, okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Right.
And part of that, I've now learned that that is a colossal waste of time.
Yeah.
You know what?
Personally and professionally.
Yeah.
You know what made me realize that?
Was when I was on the subway and I saw some guy like singing that was awful.
Yeah.
Off-key, terrible.
Some people enjoyed it.
Right.
And I'm like, I guess that's for you.
Yes.
And there were a bunch of other people who were like, get this guy off the fucking train.
Throw him under the train.
Right.
That's how some guy felt like he put on his headphones.
He's like, and he was ready to fight the guy.
And I was just like, so that's what it is.
Yeah.
And that's okay.
Yeah.
Who you get, you get, and then you move on.
I think that's the way the way that one thing that I think younger people don't seem to have a grasp of yet is that you can waste a lot of time trying to win.
Yeah, I can't find, like, my audience is not going to be Indian people.
Right.
I mean, you know this.
Right.
I can't do.
My audience is not gay people.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Like, I've done, I'll get hired for Indian gigs.
Right.
I talk them out of it.
Right.
I'm like, you know what's a great idea?
Talking to each other.
Yeah.
How about that?
Huh?
How about saving money?
Why do you think it is that you have a similar relationship with Indians that I have with gays in terms of our comedy?
We're like, we're not the star of our community.
No.
Not that that's a good or bad thing.
Right.
Why are we not the stars of our community?
Why are we not?
Why are we not drenched in our community?
I think because we were meant to look at it differently.
Right.
And that's the only thing I can come up with.
Yeah.
You just gotta, it's, you're meant to see it from a different perspective.
Right.
To give you an angle that, hey, guess what?
Not all Indians are doctors, lawyers.
Right.
They're guys who sound like mechanics.
Yeah.
You know?
Right.
So it's like, you got to deal with this.
Yeah.
Or like if you're, if you're gay, it's like, this is not what, you know, it comes in so many other different ways.
Packages.
Right.
It's, it's strange.
And you'd think that the people whose job it is to make sure that things are interesting out there in entertainment would value that.
Yeah, they don't.
They want to fill the protocol.
Yeah.
They want to, it's like, okay, cool.
Like we'll have, we'll hire the Indian guy because it looks good.
Right.
But to me, the bigger deal is when you have the Indian guy in central Pennsylvania.
Yeah.
That's a bigger deal to me.
Yes.
You put the gay guy in Long Island to headline the clubs.
Right.
Because he, guess what?
Yeah.
He gets the work done.
Right.
That to me is a major, that's important.
That's important.
That shifts the needle.
Right.
Not the place, not the channel that goes, we have an obligation to hire somebody who is who's Indian, gay, whatever.
Right.
It's to me, it's the place that's deep seated than Elk's Lodge.
Yeah.
Who goes, you know what?
Let's get this Indian guy in here.
Yeah.
And not because it's the good thing to do.
Because we love this guy.
Because he's funny.
He's funny.
Because he's going to entertain the shit out of us.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's that's what I think was more important.
Because that's what, that's at the bottom, at the bottom line.
At the end of the day, that's our entire life.
And that's what shifts everything.
Right.
To be honest.
That's what changes people's perspective.
Yes.
You know how many times there's people, they'll come up to me like, you know, I didn't think a Hindi comic could be this funny.
Right.
And I go, I love that they use Hindi comic.
Yeah.
And I'm like, I don't even know how to respond to that.
Right.
Buy the album, though.
Right.
I take Venmo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Venmo me.
Yeah.
Stealing Moments in Italy00:10:26
What do you think is the, do you ever see yourself outside of this city?
That's, that's another thing that I've been wrestling with is like, can I live elsewhere?
I see somebody like, you know, you go to like Los Angeles.
I've seen another bunch of other New York comics go to LA.
Yeah.
And some, you know, you had heat going out.
Yeah.
And a lot of them didn't.
Yeah.
But they still seem pretty happy out there.
It's an adjustment.
Yeah.
They seem, and I didn't think it's possible.
Right.
Because I have that same mentality where I go, well, what if I need to get a slim gym at 2.30 in the morning?
Yeah, where will I find it?
Yeah, how about not have one?
Yeah.
How about it's okay?
It's weird because so much of our lives are this shitty career.
And even though it's a good career and I've done great things in it and you have, and we've all enjoyed it, and this is why we exist.
Right, right, right.
It's still shitty.
Yeah, CBS Bull.
Yeah, I've done good things.
You have.
Yeah, yeah, no.
Have you seen me on Little Voices on Apple Plus?
Yeah.
Well, I don't have Apple Plus, but I will watch.
Listen, if you just use the free trial membership.
I think Kathy Griffin, who I'm sure doesn't love me if she knows who I am, but I will quote her and say, the only award in comedy is to say you're still doing it.
Yes, that's it.
Right.
The only award that a comedian will ever get is to say they're still doing it.
Right.
I remember you used to quote Joan Rivers.
It's about who can stand in the rain the longest.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, and that's probably true.
Yes.
And the problem is, I think a lot of people now aren't, they're standing, but it's not in the rain.
They think they're in the rain.
No.
Yeah.
They're like looking at it.
It's like a gray day and they're like, this seems like rain.
I'm like, yeah, I don't know.
I got a, I remember a Facebook memory popped up and I saw an old show flyer from seven years ago.
Yeah.
And I just go, and I'm looking at some of these people.
A lot of them quit.
They all quit.
Yeah.
A lot of quit.
Everyone quit.
Writers.
Now, some of them are writers.
Some of them are writers.
So they're not going to do this.
Yeah.
They're not going to get on stage.
Like, why would I?
Right.
Like, collect $1,500 a week.
Yeah.
Right.
They're going to show up.
Right.
And, and, and, you know, that was never the life for you or me.
No.
It was too, too much.
Too much felt like a day job.
Yeah, I can't do that.
Yeah.
I once, I had a gig where I had to go there once a month to help write bits for the radio.
And what it happened.
And every, and it'd be like, okay, cool.
It's $150.
Right.
And, but I would dread the entire time.
The day before I go, I got to get up.
Yeah.
I got to go in there.
I got to talk to people.
Yeah.
I got to sit here and be like, this is a good jingle.
Right.
No, no.
Yeah.
Throw me off the building.
Yeah.
I can't do this nonsense.
We got to do it the way, like on our own terms.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
That's the thing that I figured out how to do.
I think that's the biggest thing that I figured out how to do was that I didn't need the people that I thought I needed.
No.
That's the real shit.
Yeah, man.
You figured that shit out.
Yeah.
Real well.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think it's part of it is like you, depending on the type of person you are, like, like coming out of the closet, I think, is part of it.
Because years and years ago, when I came out of the closet, I'm like, well, maybe my friends won't like me anymore.
But who cares?
No.
You know what I mean?
And I think every decision I've made in my life has kind of been a little similar where I go, yeah, I might lose people by moving to LA.
People might not think I'm a serious comic or they might not like, or maybe if I do this video and I put a wig on, people are going to think I'm an idiot.
And they're going to be like, that's not the right way to do it.
You should be the comedy seller.
You should be here.
You should be there.
And maybe if I do Logan Paul's podcast, people are going to think I'm a sellout or a piece of shit or whatever.
And every time I have one of those decisions, I go, yeah, but fuck them.
Right.
That's really the reality.
Yeah, but fuck them.
Okay.
You know?
And I think that that's the thing that I would probably say has been the best guiding thing.
I'm going to leave here and steal a car.
I mean, there's plenty of stuff in the hotel to steal.
I mean, I've taken a little bit.
You don't have to leave.
I've taken a few things already.
You don't have to steal anything from outside.
You can steal stuff from inside.
I'm stealing your producer.
That's the first thing that's going on.
Yeah, he's great.
He is good.
He's a little bit entitled.
Yeah, I can tell.
But I've made him a monster.
Right.
No.
I've made him a monster.
Yeah.
I mean, like, I forget what he did the other day, but he goes, like, he'll be eating a restaurant.
He'll be eating lobster biscuit.
I'll go, kind of put a spoon.
He walked up to me expecting me to, with wet hands, expecting me to dry them.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's a real piece of shit.
That's the type of behavior.
Yeah.
You've really created something.
Yeah, I've created a monster.
It's disgusting.
You shook wet hands at me.
Yeah, he really just is, he's really leaning in to that part of his personality.
When I met the guy, he was working at a pet store.
Urban pet.
Not even a chain.
Is it a chain?
It's a chain, but in LA.
Oh, even worse.
It's your pet's an urban pet.
What is this?
It's not a country pet.
It's an urban pet.
It's just a collection of those hairless cats.
Yeah.
That's all they sell.
It's just Mexican hairless cats.
It's for like, we want your dog to feel like he's on a farm.
Right.
So it's all that type of horseshit.
And I met him there.
He was brushing a dog's teeth.
Yeah, I still think it would be a good idea for him to like work there for two weeks a year.
That's his vacation?
To kind of get it back.
You should make his vacation where he gets a regular job.
Yeah, I agree with you.
I think that that's fair.
I think it's not the worst idea.
Yeah, because his day-to-day life is a vacation.
Yes.
And then, you know how like he doesn't see it that way.
He thinks it's hell.
Hell yeah.
Right.
To his wife all the time.
He's on the phone with the wife.
Oh, you know, we were at the Hamptons.
I had to eat the lobster again.
It's a horror to him.
Right.
I had to sit there while he talked to someone, and he's a demon.
Right.
This guy's talking to one of the biggest investment bankers in the world, and I had to sit here and listen to this.
Yeah, he's got some other journalist on, and they're talking about whatever.
Sure, I'm going to use it for insider trading, but how exhausting.
How exhausting.
You know, I've taken this kid all over the world at the Bitcoin conference.
Right.
And he's got the, yeah, so his vacation, quote unquote, should be send him to a pet co.
This is the thing that New York doesn't have.
You don't have producers.
Everybody wants to be the guy.
Right.
Everybody wants to be the guy.
I still look at podcasting like it's collecting action figures.
Right.
I'm like, I'm leaving here going, so podcasting might work.
I'm sitting in a goddamn hotel with a living room.
Yeah, it's nice.
And I'm going, podcasting might be the thing.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
Yeah.
It's good.
Do I get a Hyundai Elantra for doing this?
We actually charge you to do this.
That's how people keep money.
Damn it.
We're actually going to Venmo request you.
Jesus.
If you don't mind.
But the money doesn't go to us.
It goes to Dax Shepard.
The armchair.
Spotify doesn't have the money.
So we got to kick up to Spotify so they could pay Dax Shepard and tell Seth Rogan to get high.
Armchair X. Armchair.
Hey, Seth Rogan, why don't you get high?
Oh, you're upset?
Get high and lay in a pool of money.
I don't know.
Call a hooker.
There's not that many things in life that make you happy.
No.
Coming, eating, a hug.
Right.
I don't know how many of those you can buy, but two out of the three.
Yeah, it's not.
This is going to be an interesting podcast to listen to.
If his.
Do you talk to anybody?
Who was your boy?
You had like a best friend.
Like in real life.
Was his name Trevor?
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, Trevor wasn't my best friend.
He was a good friend.
He was a good friend.
Yeah.
But there was another kid.
There was like from like home?
Yeah.
This guy, Chris.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
What happened to him?
He, man, he lives in Italy.
No.
Yeah.
He's got a baby, got a wife.
How did that happen?
He was backpacking through Italy.
Lost his job, backpacking through Italy, and he met on the train, and he met this girl.
And he just started talking to her, started seeing her, and then went to school in Milan.
Yeah.
And now he lives there.
And he's got a baby, lovely kid.
Kids growing up.
And it's just so crazy because you look at a life like that.
Yeah.
And you go, oh my God.
It's out there.
People do it.
That's fucking mind-blowing.
Yeah.
And, you know, that's...
Well, the guy, Trevor, he's dead, but that's not.
That's not a good question.
What happened to him?
I think he overdosed on pills, but that's not the point.
Let's go to Italy again.
Yeah, let's go to Italy.
Back to Milan.
Back to Italy.
Yeah.
I mean, like, that's a great way you just said something that's great.
People do it.
Yeah.
There's actually people that do it.
Yes.
That's crazy.
They find that happiness.
Like, I look at his life and I go, that is beautiful.
That is really beautiful.
Yeah.
But maybe he's in Italy and he's going, I wish I had a podcast.
Maybe.
Do you think maybe he's thinking, man, it'd be great to drive Canal's mom's HRV?
Yeah.
This woman and this child have kept me from what I really want to do.
Which is talk to Joe Rogan about Bigfoot.
That's what I want to do.
I mean, if he thinks that that's got to be the saddest thing in the world.
Well, we all have our disease.
Yeah.
And I guarantee it's not this, but there's something that gets everywhere, all of us.
You think so?
I think so.
You think so?
Choices at Someone Else's Expense00:06:05
I think of the quiet moments in the darkness.
And I think it gnaws at us because there's something crazy about this life.
We know it ends, which makes us just different than every, like most animals, I'm sure elephants, you know, higher conscious, you know.
But most animals, you see them, they're like going around going, like, yeah, hey, man, this is all good.
And then one day it's just, it's over.
We know this ends.
And we know that we have to make all of these choices.
We know it's a game where there are choices.
And we know that each one of those choices, there's then results in a few things that we expected to happen and a few unexpected things.
And I think that the more of those you make, there's always a part of you just by the design of this whole entire thing.
Whatever this is, a high-level video game being played by aliens.
Who the fuck knows who kids?
You say to yourself, it's so natural to go, what if I had made a different choice?
Even when the choice you made was great.
Even when the things that came from the choice are good.
I still think, because it's the insanity.
Right.
It's crazy.
That thought pops in your head, you knock it out.
Yeah, I think that to me, when you start to do that, that to me feels like I'm flirting with a bad place.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I don't do that.
That to me feels like I'm flirting with depression.
I don't want to, I don't.
It's a bad place.
Yeah, I go past it now.
There's no more hanging out there anymore.
Smart.
Yeah, I just go, you know what?
It happened.
It is what it is.
And then I move forward past that.
It's smart.
Because you could get stuck in that shit.
And then you're going, you know, what's a thought recently that you had with that?
Even like if I.
I should have devoted more of my life to my mental and physical well-being and less to this industry.
Right.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, that's sure.
That's part of it.
Sure.
Only because I've met some of the most successful people in this business.
Many of them are criminally insane.
Yeah.
I mean, they could fill swimming pools with money and do backstroke in it.
But at the end of the day, it's, it's, you're shadow boxing ghosts here.
You know, it is not, you know, what is that?
It's the speech from the wire.
Okay.
The job won't save you.
McNulty.
It's like, so I think to myself sometimes, what is, what is this at the expense of?
What is this?
What is this, this, this cool shit that I'm able to do, which I love doing.
Right.
What is the cost?
That's what I think of.
Right.
Sometimes.
There's always a cost.
I think if you send, I think you can eliminate that feeling.
Yeah.
That mental feeling.
With heroin.
No, It just, it's just going to take, you just got to sit back and send Ben to a pet shop.
Yes.
I think he does.
And that'll sort.
But how good would that feel for you to watch him there?
Oh, no, I'm planning on doing horrible things.
But I think that's, by the way, I think anyone that does, I think that's a pretty common thought.
Right.
For people, they go, hey, what?
What else could I be doing?
But if I wanted to do something else, I would.
Yeah, and that's the thing, though, right?
I've done podcasts.
Right.
And I've said to myself, okay, let me try this.
Right.
And someone said to me, he's like, oh, you didn't stick with it.
Yeah.
And I go, no, I didn't care for it.
Right.
Let's just accept that first.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, people, well, the question is like, well, why haven't you, why didn't you keep doing that?
It's like, well, you know, during the pandemic, I created a game show.
Right.
Okay.
And I shot a few episodes, created a whole game show, played it with comics.
It was fun.
Somebody was like, well, it's a really good idea.
You should keep doing it.
And I go, I don't want to.
Right.
You only have a certain amount of time.
Right.
Do the things you want to do.
Do the things you want to do.
That's it.
Right.
And then, and, you know, and then you, everything else will be fine.
Because it's absolutely.
It's over then.
Yeah.
Man, it's over that quick.
Yeah.
And I just want to do more of the things I want to do.
And I think that's hopefully what we've all learned.
Right.
You know, that what we want to do, as long as it's not hurting anyone else.
Well, that's debatable.
And even if it is, who cares?
Right.
Life is too short.
One of the funniest moments was throwing rocks from a roof.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
I laugh.
I never laughed so hard.
When was that?
I was like a child.
I'm not saying I'm going to revisit it.
Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's just like, all right, nobody got hurt.
But you know what I mean?
Sometimes Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, hey, questionable characters, sure.
Right.
But they lived.
Yeah.
They truly lived.
Let's say truly lived.
Yeah.
I don't have an island.
No.
And I think that's like, that's what it comes down to.
It's like, what, what makes us truly feel alive?
Right.
Because happiness is a weird goal, but if you feel alive, you feel like you're living.
It'd be nice to not do it at someone else's expense.
But there are countless people that do.
There are countless people that do.
Yeah.
And I get it.
And I understand the reasoning for it.
But at the same time, it's just like, I think that if you can live, make yourself as happy as possible without at the expense of somebody else, that would be great.
Right.
But just do that, man.
Right.
The Meaningless Vaccine Debate00:05:20
Do that.
Yeah, get fucking happy.
Get fucking happy.
Tell people again: what is your album out there?
Oh, you're a great stand-up.
Thank you.
It's hard to get people to figure out because people just don't trust anything anymore.
And it's hard for people to find stand-up.
Yeah, the album is called Draw 4.
Draw 4.
Yeah, it's based on the Uno card.
Yeah.
And, you know, it's my current draw.
So it's.
I love that.
Yeah.
Draw four.
Yeah.
You can find that everywhere.
Canal Aurora, Draw 4 album.
Find him on social media.
Alldaykca.com.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
That's his website.
Check up on him.
Send him a nice positive message.
Maybe a negative one.
I'm going to get a couple negative ones.
I get a couple.
I'm getting negative ones sitting here yelling at me about whatever.
I mean, people are screaming at me today because I said I'm like, hey, I'm vaccinated, which they know already.
Right.
And I'm like, hey, guys, I don't care what you do.
Yeah.
My literal stance was, I don't care.
If you want to get it, great.
If you don't want to get it, fine.
I'm 36.
I got it.
I needed to show my vaccine thing to perform at the comedy store.
And I imagine it would be, I'm going to need it to travel.
I don't know if I will.
Maybe I won't.
But I'm like, I don't care what you do.
That's not enough for people.
No.
You can't.
It's, by the way, my opinion is a non-opinion.
It's a non-opinion.
That's what sets people off.
Because they want to be told what to do or validated because then they're back in this good versus evil thing of winners and losers and right and wrong.
And I'm on this side and they're on that side.
And it gives their meaningless lives meaning.
Meaningless lives.
Meaningless.
And it's not my fault they're meaningless, but they're meaningless because you're mad at me on Twitter for the simple opinion that I don't care what you do.
I don't think there's a right answer and a wrong answer in every instance for everything.
And people got angry at that.
Totally unrelated.
This episode is brought to you by Pfizer.
Yes.
It has nothing to do with anything.
Bill and Melinda Gates have been so kind to me and this show.
Yeah, one guy goes, I'm fanning myself with the check, by the way, from Pfizer.
One guy literally said to me, he goes, you're being paid by Pfizer.
I'm like, Pfizer does not sit around and go, what guy can we get in here who's questioning 9-11 to also pump our vaccine?
And I'm not pumming.
It's like, hey, man, if you're fat, if you've done bad things to the body, this might, you know, if you're 20 and you don't want to do it, and you're like, fuck it.
Hey, God bless you.
Right.
Or if you're older, people are not doing it.
Some people are doing it and getting fucked up from it.
Not good.
Some people are not doing it and dying from COVID.
Not good.
COVID sounds terrible.
It sounds not fun.
And there's people dying.
It's just got to be embarrassing.
Right.
And listen, I get if you, there's a lot of people that like playing the game and whatever.
But my non-opinion, which it is, it's not an opinion.
It's like, I don't care.
I truly don't care.
Right, of course.
It doesn't matter.
You know, question why you care on either side, why it's such a big deal for you.
If you get vaccinated, you're vaccinated.
If your neighbor doesn't, they're not.
You can live together.
You can live in a happy world.
Use promo code Timj Dillon at Moderna.com.
Yeah.
Yeah.
By the way, Pfizer.
Pfizer slash Tim.
Promo code TIM for the booster.
You know you're going to love that booster.
You're going to need it when the Delta variant comes.
The Delta, the Lambda, baby.
You're getting it all.
I'm telling you right now, every year it's going to be a new booster show.
Oh, it'll be a new booster.
It's going to be pumpkin spies.
It'll be for the fall.
It's going to be, you got your Hulu, your Netflix.
Right.
Your booster shop.
Yeah, that's it.
That's your monthly expenses.
Subscribe.
And Pfizer's going to stick you and they're going to go, subscribe.
And yes, you might have Bell's palsy.
Yes.
You might die.
Sure, everything tastes like piss.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
All of a sudden, you're like, I can't taste anything.
I've lost control of my tongue.
Everything feels like the temperature of a wet pot.
But I'll tell you, whoever the CEO of Pfizer is, he's going to be in a really nice house.
And someone's got to be.
Hear him on Luminary.
Yeah, yeah.
The CEO of Pfizer has a new podcast with Dak Shepard.
Dak Shepard's going to tell him why it's okay.
Even though a few people, you know, can't chew anymore.
And he's sad about that.
Dak Shepard's going to, he's the armchair expert.
Yeah, he's going to tell you.
He's going to tell the CEO of Pfizer why things are okay.