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Hunter Biden Crackhead00:15:02
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
Happy Father's Day.
I'm calling my father for the first time on the show.
We haven't spoken in a few months, both of us very busy.
And we're calling him for the first time on the program.
Very excited about that.
Do you call your father tomorrow?
Yeah, I'll see my dad, actually.
Does Hunter Biden call his father tomorrow?
I bet he does.
Hunter Biden is Joe Biden's son.
He's the Roger Clinton, the wild brother, kind of the black sheep, the Neil Bush, as you would say, of the family.
Reading an article now from the New York Post that says Hunter Biden called Asians, quote, yellow in text exchange with cousin.
But the text exchange is a little creepy.
It's weird, yeah.
And people are speculating.
They're saying, is this human trafficking?
This is the text exchange.
And do we know who Hunter is?
Is he the blue?
He's the blue, I believe.
So this is the text exchange.
Somebody says she's a legend.
None of these women are except for Diva, D-E-V-A, Deva, Diva.
But Nicola and Deva and Ella and Lucy and all no quality girls who like I am are distrusting and highly, highly wary of evil.
I also have Denise a German, 26.
Somebody writes no to Lucy, I think.
That's what Hunter writes.
Hunter writes no to Lucy.
Somebody writes, okay, so fine.
Do you want foreign or domestic?
Hunter goes, and you have to make the pitch directly.
This is Hunter.
I can't give you a Ing Asian.
Sorry.
I'm not doing it.
Hunter goes, domesticated foreigner is fine.
Then the person says, I'd give you Isabella, but she has kids and an NBA ex-husband.
And then Hunter Biden goes, no, yellow.
And somebody goes, Yasmina?
And that's it.
Do we know what this is?
I mean, this might, somebody might just be setting him up with an escort.
It's speculative, but this is from Caroline Biden, his cousin.
I don't know if it's human trafficking.
It could be just an escort.
It could be human trafficking.
It could be.
We don't know.
And what is Caroline Biden is leaking this?
I think this is all from Hunter's laptop.
They're recovering all the text messages.
Where is this laptop?
I don't know.
Where is it?
I don't know.
I mean, this guy, let's be very honest, is fun.
I guess the Daily Mail has it.
Looks like it.
They have the laptop.
Looks like it.
So this guy, for people that don't know, abandoned the laptop to get it fixed.
In Delaware.
In Delaware.
And he wasn't thinking because he uses drugs.
And everything is apparently on this laptop.
I mean, UFO footage, human trafficking, the nuclear codes, the launch codes.
I mean, supposedly everything that you could ever want to know about any conspiracy is somehow on this laptop.
I'm obviously being facetious about that, but there are some things on the laptop he probably doesn't want out.
So the Daily Mail has his laptop.
His cousin's attractive, huh?
Yeah.
He'd fuck his cousin.
You know that thought has crossed his head.
Hunter and the cousin.
So now he says racial slurs because he's a crack addict.
Yeah.
So, but now like this is the problem with, you know, rabid political ideology is that now conservatives are trying to cancel this crackhead based on text messages he sent while he was smoking crack.
So that's what conservatives are doing.
Instead of going, we kind of got duped by Trump.
The QAnon movement, I mean, it's not doing great.
It's seen better days.
We kind of got duped.
The immigration of the border is worse than it's ever been.
Online censorship is ratcheting up, but we'll talk about that later.
None of the goals were really accomplished during the Trump administration when you had Republican Congress and Senate and whatever quote-unquote, whatever you want to call it, the cancel culture, the blah, blah, blah, on universities and in corporate America has seemingly gotten worse.
That being said, Republicans, in order to fight that, have decided to find instances where Hunter Biden, the president's crackhead son, has used racial slurs.
He called his white attorney the N-word.
He called his white attorney the N-word.
That's how conservatives are trying to get back in power by proving that Hunter Biden, a crack addict, has said the N-word.
We know he has.
I mean, I'm more interested in what the fuck was going on in the text threat.
I mean, maybe they're just setting him up with an escort.
I'm all for that.
But it's very interesting when he goes, you want foreign or domestic?
That's cute.
But it does sound interesting.
And he goes, I'd give you Isabella, but she has kids.
Well, I don't know.
Why does that matter if it's her job?
Right.
Something's going on.
What do you mean?
I'd give you Isabella, but she has kids.
And don't go queuing on like, oh, he's trying to make her disappear.
I don't really think that's happening.
I think what he's probably trying to do is he wants a chick and maybe he has said, I don't want anyone with kids.
Maybe he specified that.
Like, I want an escort that doesn't have chill.
Although I don't feel like Hunter Biden is making, is that drawing that moral line in the sand?
But I don't know.
Maybe Hunter Biden is saying, hey, I can't get off if I know she's got kids at home and an NBA ex-husband.
So that's another thing.
You go, I could give, yeah, but I don't want, so he's a big deal.
He's a little famous, ex-NBA husband.
So maybe you can't fuck around with her and hang out.
She's got kids in an MBA.
It could get real sticky.
I think that's what the guy's telling him.
This could be a sticky situation if I set you up with this chick.
It's not going to be good.
Your dad's trying to be the president or thinks he might be the president.
So this is not good.
So Hunter goes, no yellow.
And it's racist.
And he's also, you know, I don't know.
I don't know what's going on here.
But I know that no one cares about any of this.
And I don't really care about any of it either.
I don't care what Hunter Biden, I mean, you could turn up anything about Hunter Biden.
I would not be shocked.
Like there would be no story about Hunter Biden that at this point would currently throw me off my access.
Like if you told me, if you said, hey, so they found on Hunter Biden's laptop that Hunter Biden was actually the reason that that Malaysian plane went down.
It was him.
And he parachuted out.
I would go, what?
They go, remember the Malaysian plane that dissipated.
That was Hunter Biden.
There's a video of it on his laptop.
He's parachuting out.
And I go, oh, all right.
Like there's there's there's no huge like there's no like shock and awe.
This is a crack addict.
When someone is doing crack, you imagine they're going to be involved in hijinks.
That's what he was involved in, some hijinks and some tomfoolery.
You'd imagine that.
He's smoking crack.
How disappointing to be smoking crack and to not be getting escorts.
And he should have the pig of the litter.
What is so weird, the guy goes, I can't give you blank Asian.
Sorry, I'm not doing it.
And Hunter goes, you have to make the pitch directly.
It's such a weird way to get an escort.
It's such an odd way when Hunter goes, you have to make the pitch directly, which I kind of understand.
Hunter's like, listen, I don't want to pitch.
You have to pitch this woman what I want before she's got to show up and know what the deal is.
How much do I owe you?
Hunter Biden asked some guy, how much do I owe you before adding?
Because blank N-word, you better not be charging me Hennessy rates.
I mean Hunter.
Oh, that was also with Caroline.
Yeah.
Well, this is one for the chat with Caroline.
Ask Mesires.
Okay.
I wonder why the cousin is like getting him escorts too.
Like what?
That's just so odd.
Well, I don't know if the cousin is.
I don't know what's going on.
However, Hunter's father has his own history of usually racially charged language towards South Asian people, remarking in 2006 that you cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.
Yeah, people are forgetting that Joe Biden's been like a racist forever.
Like Joe Biden, remember when he said he referred to the inner cities as jungles?
What did he mean by that?
Biden's been kind of a good old boy Delaware racist forever.
I mean, now, you know, obviously he said Obama was the first good, clean, articulate black guy to run for president.
This is Biden.
I mean, this is what he does, right?
We've all forgotten about that.
That's fine.
You might think he was a lesser of two evils, but don't forget that Biden pops off as well.
And the content of the message suggests that it took place after Hunter Biden ended his relationship with Haley Biden, the widow of his older brother, Bo.
That's a special guy who starts fucking your dead brother's wife immediately.
And what is her deal?
This is what I mean about these are the people running the country.
You know, Dave Smith made a point on Rogan where it was like, you had Epstein, you had Hillary Clinton running for the presidency.
Her aide, Huma Abedin, her aide was married to Anthony Weiner, sexual predator.
Hillary's husband is Bill Clinton, sexual predator.
It's like, how many sexual predators are in your day-to-day life?
I mean, that's a fair question.
When you look at the Bidens, what the fuck is going on?
Hunter Biden smoking crack and then starts fucking his dead brother's widow like immediately.
And then after that ends, he's like getting escorts and I mean, is a wild man.
I mean, I don't know.
But that's what happens in these families, whether it's the Bushes or the Clintons or the Bidens.
You don't know much about the inner dynamics of any of these families.
Most of what you know is a completely manufactured narrative that is spun by PR people and the media.
And by the time you find out who these people really are, they fucked you 10 different ways.
By the time you unearth the information that you should have had to make the decisions about whether they should get the job or not, you're in deep shit.
It's true.
By the time you figure out who George W. Bush really is, you're in two wars.
You got two wars and you've lost all your civil liberties.
That's what happens.
This is another article I love.
Hunter Biden's artwork is actually good and will be worth a lot.
Well, drugs help.
He's selling some pieces for half a million.
Of course he is.
Can you imagine the people walking around going, that's an original Hunter Biden?
I get more and more Marxist every day on the show and I make more and more money because what I'm starting to realize is that if you have the money to spend half a million dollars on an original work of Hunter Biden, crackhead, and putting it up in your mansion, you maybe shouldn't have the money.
It's true.
Also, I mean, I put up a satirical thing on Instagram the other day.
They take it down.
We send it to our friend in VC.
It's a joke.
I said, I'm Osama bin Laden.
I'm not dead.
I'm getting into an energy drink and we're entering the first round of fundraising and it's called bomb energy.
And, you know, I did a lot of jokes.
I said, and let's read the email that Instagram took down, which is clearly satirical.
And this is why I'm getting frustrated.
Everyone hates the way I say that word.
I say frustrated, but it's frustrated with capitalism because you would think capitalism is all these badasses that go, fuck you, it makes money.
But what it really is, is a lot of people that are pussies and they're rolling over because 10 people on Twitter get offended at something.
And you have all these badasses, supposedly these cold, heartless capitalists, they're all rolling over and capitulating to like, it used to be like this mob of weird evangelical soccer moms that would be like, we don't want Marilyn Manson performing in Pittsburgh.
And now it's like fucking a few thousand people on Twitter that get angry about anything.
Calling Spotify About Hunter00:11:21
And these billion dollar corporations and these CEOs worth $100 million, they just roll the fuck over because they're terrified.
Well, what the fuck's the point?
I mean, at the end of the day, didn't Stalin just kill these people that had a problem?
To the gulag.
Maybe that's where I ideologically end up.
Saying, well, you know what?
Everyone gets to go to the gulag.
Let's pull this email up that we sent to our friend who's a friend of ours.
He's a young kid in VC.
And we said, dear Frederick, my name is Osama bin Laden.
Many people think I am dead.
That is not true.
I'm alive and well.
And I'm very excited about the energy drink space.
We have come up with a caffeine-free antioxidant-packed energy drink called Bomb Energy, which promotes overall health while stimulating the consumer in a sustainable and vital manner.
We are beginning to raise capital and are hoping for a 9-11 launch date, which I had nothing to do with, by the way.
We are very interested in partnering with your venture to take bomb energy to the next level.
Our slogan is bomb energy, the Jews run the world.
Initial focus groups have been very responsive to this slogan.
Mind you, many of them have been done in the Arab world.
We're looking to potentially soften our messaging as we take bomb energy mainstream.
And that is why we believe you, a squishy bagel face, are the right person to help us in this endeavor.
We are committed to increasing our market share in the ever-expanding market of health and nutrition.
We thought this project would interest you, a little Zionist doeboy.
We look forward to hearing from you and working together.
And then we say we also have heard positive things about Patrick Finnegan.
Hopefully you can connect us, who's a venture guy in New York who's on Clubhouse who we knew.
And then I said, best regards, Osama, CEO of Bomb Energy.
And Instagram took this off.
I don't know why.
It supposedly is an algorithm that identifies words.
But there's a lot of words that are criticizing Zionism.
And I'm making a joke.
So I guess Jews or Bin Laden.
I think it's the Bin Laden thing.
It said when they took it off, it said an association with dangerous groups.
So I am just getting a little, I'm a little, I'm a little, listen, we all know capitalism has this lion's share of problems, but we never anticipated that one of them would be that the CEOs of companies are too sensitive and considerate.
And that's my issue now.
It's one of them.
I would like people to have healthcare and I would like them to afford buying a house.
But I would also like, if you're going to be a capitalist pig, be one and tell people to shut the fuck up.
Go, dude, the guy's got a certain amount of followers.
He's a comedian.
It says comedian in the thing.
I'm not going to whine about this the whole episode because it's boring and we get it, but they're trying to kick the Weinsteins off.
And you know me and the Weinsteins are just deeply in love with each other.
And here's what I'll say about the Weinsteins.
They should, I think they're smart and I think they should be able to say whatever they want to say on YouTube.
I don't care what they're talking about, whether it's the voting or the migration patterns of bees or whatever it is.
It doesn't matter to me.
And I think they make a lot of sense when they stick to science and evolutionary biology because that's what you do.
And I think they should be able to do it.
And I want to hear what they have to say about the vaccine and what they have to say about Iver Mets or whatever the fuck it is.
I'm not talking about it because I don't know anything about it.
I got the vaccine because I want to go to London and suck off somebody who's uncut, who has the, when the skin is over the head of the penis.
And I can't do it if I'm in America.
Well, I can't.
I did it once.
It was not for me.
But I figured British would be better.
And then you could have the roast.
They have the roast on Sundays with the peas that they mash up.
It's not a great food country, but they have the Indians very good, the chicken tica marsala.
My point is this.
I wasn't like, the vaccine is here.
I didn't change my name to a vaccine on Twitter like some mentally deranged people I know.
I got the vaccine because I thought I would need it to do my job.
And I would, I will, I know, to go anywhere and to do anything.
But listen, I want to know about everything.
And I think it's good for society when you look at how fast that lab leak hypothesis went from a conspiracy to a mainstream news where Jon Stewart is on Colbert saying, hey, guys, he's saying the exact same thing that the Weinsteins were saying six fucking months ago to their credit, to Brett's credit, and to Heather Hines' credit.
And I have no closer friends than those two.
And I like them.
They're just a little sensitive.
But I think they're spot on with a lot of that stuff.
And they should be able to go into.
I don't need expertise on everything that's ever happened, but I think this is their fucking turf.
And to get them off YouTube is fucked up, but no one cares.
So there's going to need to be an alternative.
There's going to need to be an alternative to YouTube.
There's going to need to be an alternative to a lot of these social media sites.
I don't know who's going to do it or who's going to come up with it, but it's going to have to be an alternative and it got to be $20 million.
Can we get Spotify on the phone, by the way?
Can we get them on the phone right now?
Because I'm a little heated.
We have the Call Her Daddy Girl gets $60 million to talk about Anal.
Joe Rogan gets $100 million to talk about aliens and Bigfoot.
And Tim Dylan, who is really covering everything, gets nothing.
The greatest podcast right now, the Tim Dylan show, has been offered $0 from Spotify.
$0.
But we've got Joe Rogan and that Call Her Daddy, Alex.
So what I'd like to do is I'd like to call Spotify, and I would like to request $20 million.
And that's what the show is worth.
Yes.
When we've done the metrics, we got a lot of people listening here.
So I would like to $20 million from Spotify.
Is there no number we can call it?
We can call a number now.
Why can't we call?
Because they don't have people working, and it's just an email that they get back to you like years later.
This is absurd.
I'm trying to see if I can find a foreign number to call.
Call them in Sweden where that guy lives, the CEO.
I think he lives in Switzerland or Sweden or something.
Should we go there?
Maybe we should just go there.
I'm talking to an attractive guy from Holland.
He's got blonde hair.
He speaks funny.
He sounds like a fish.
Call that.
Is this Britain?
Call that.
See if they answer that.
Call that.
I've had enough of not getting what I want.
But my point is that you shouldn't have the kind of disposable income.
And who wants Hunter Biden's fucking artwork?
That junkie.
He's moved to L.A. What is it?
What does he paint?
His dead brother's widow's puss?
What is he painting?
This is the article.
Hunter Biden laying low in L.A., starting art career with Shady Dealer.
I got to be honest, it's hard not to like him.
I'm trying not to like him.
Can you dislike him?
No.
It's very difficult to dislike him.
It's very difficult.
He's in L.A. where we'll be back there eventually in the fall.
And maybe we'll get him on the show.
And he's becoming an artist.
Great.
He's doing impressionist work.
Let's see if we can get through to these people because quite frankly.
Well, what is that?
That's the Spotify general info number.
Thanks.
Fuck them.
We're taking our show off Spotify, I think.
Oh, really?
I think we're going to do that.
We have a lot of listeners on there.
Yeah, but there are a lot of people.
I think that's the best thing to do.
Okay.
Because then maybe they'll give us a big offer, which they won't.
It seems like when the shows go to Spotify, they're not as big.
Is that true?
Yeah.
I know one guy at Spotify, but he just quit.
So we could call him, though.
Who?
Mike?
Who is he?
He's over at a different company now, but he was at Spotify.
Can you call him?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Call him.
I'll call him.
I'm going to call him right now.
I want $20 million.
You find his email.
What if I did a podcast with Hunter Biden?
Can we call Spotify and tell them that we'll do a podcast with Hunter Biden called The Laptop, where we go through his laptop and we play videos of him painting all the women he's tortured.
I think that's a good idea.
We'll stop every now and then to read an ad for Blue Chew, and then we'll go back to going over all the red rooms and Hunter Biden has spent time in, you know, Eli Roth hostel style, taking a fucking drill to some woman's eye.
And we'll discuss that.
It's an interesting life.
He's an interesting guy.
Okay, here's Mike.
He should have a podcast.
We should tell him if he answers, he's on the show.
Yeah.
He listens to the show, so you'd be fine with it.
Doesn't mean we can record him without his consent.
He's not answering.
No one works.
Oh, it's Saturday, I guess.
Yeah, well, what does that mean?
What does that mean money doesn't flow?
Another clown.
Let's go to Victoria's Secret now.
Victoria's Secret is getting rid of the Angels, and they're replacing it with Megan Rapineau, the lesbian soccer player who Dan Carney went once as her for Halloween, and he looks like her.
You can't do that now anymore.
That'd be good.
I'm said about that, probably.
Victoria's Secret assigned Soccer World Cup winner Megan Rapineau and actress Priyanka Chopra Jonas.
Oh, she's married to Nick Jonas or one of the Jonases.
Joe Jonas, maybe.
Victoria's Secret assigned.
Yeah, we just did that.
The belaggered Lingerie Giant is relaunching and moving away from its traditionally rail-thin models by introducing the VS Collective with diverse leading icons and changemakers, including Jonas and Rapineau, to shape the future of the brand.
But don't expect to see white tiger star Chopra and Rapinoe, who've been a preeminent voice in the fight for women's equal pay in the soccer world, posing in the firm's famously flimsy, barely there briefs.
We are told they're both being hired as spokeswoman and will instead appear on a podcast and then marketing materials for the recovering brand.
So Victoria's Secret is not doing well as a brand, supposedly.
And they've decided that what they should do is get rid of the angels and the attractive women and bring in women that may be attractive, but are different shapes.
Redefining Beauty Standards00:06:22
I don't care about this, really.
I think with the availability of online porn, I don't know that straight men care that much about the Victoria's Secret Secret angels, right?
It seems kind of a quaint and archaic.
It seems like a quaint and cute idea.
But if guys can go online with a click of a finger, see barely legal college girls choke down cocks and then take shots to the face.
And then, you know, orgies and gangbangs and chicks getting waterboarded and strangled and people bleeding on each other and scat, BDSM, people getting tied up, choked out, punched, fingered in their eye, you know, people just, I mean, do we, does anyone really, I think the war on the standard of beauty is, you know, not the direction I'd like to see the world go in.
I think it's an unrealistic standard of beauty, but lots of things are unrealistic, right?
None of us are going to have a house in the Hamptons or a Maybach.
But is it, do we now have to say that those things are not desirable?
Of course, there's trade-offs to having those things.
Maybe you have to work harder.
Maybe you have to hollow yourself out.
Maybe you'll never have real friends.
Maybe you'll have to be skeptical of everyone around you, deeply paranoid.
Maybe you have to arrange your emotions in the way that a serial killer would in order to move up the ladder in whatever organization that's paying you the type of money to have those things.
I don't know.
But to say that on their face, a beach house in the Hamptons or a Maybach is not a nice thing to have is ridiculous.
And to say that a skinny body with big tits or a skinny body with a big dick is not nice to have, even though it's unrealistic for most people.
The idea that as a standard, and not a standard that people have to attain, but as a standard to just look at and go, huh, that's nice.
You know, when you walk around a locker room and you see a guy, when I was a swimmer for years, and you see a guy with a big soft penis, which is rare.
I mean a big soft penis.
I don't mean like, oh, it's visible.
I mean like it hangs and it just flows in the wind.
That when you go, even a heterosexual guy goes, yeah, that might be fun to have.
And who knows?
I don't know.
Maybe there's downsides to that.
I'm sure there are.
Whatever, you know, man spreading.
I don't know.
That being said, there's very few people that look at a penis like that and go, well, I don't want to give that a shot.
And I don't mean that you don't have to suck it, but I mean like having it.
Most people look at a penis.
When a woman sees another woman who's thin and has big tits, perky tits, you go, I would like to take that for a spin for a week.
Go, you know what?
I'd like to look like that for a little bit.
Let's see what it's like.
It's the truth.
And truth now is inconvenient, Al Gore, but it's people are, it's, uh, it's, it troubles people when you say things that are true.
That doesn't mean, hey, good-looking people, a lot of times at bad, are not as good as people that are like decent looking, like alt A loans, meaning that it's not prime credit, but it's pretty good.
They fuck better usually than people that are insanely good looking because insanely good looking people, a lot of times are just, they're, you know, they're not really givers.
They're thinking about themselves and they're not there and there's nothing going on in their head and whatever.
They're not passionate people.
So some of these people, it's not even sexual when you look at some of these things.
You go, I don't know, even though it's sexual, some of it is, but it's just a standard of beauty.
I always looked at models and I was like, they're not always sexual, but there's a beauty to them.
And that doesn't mean that fat people can't be beautiful.
People with the scars can't be beautiful.
And people in wheelchairs can't be beautiful.
And all of that is true.
And people with a flesh-eating bacteria, necrotiting fasciitis, can't be beautiful.
Or people that don't have arms or legs or just kind of a torso, they can be beautiful.
And people that are, you know, dead and kind of having rigor mortis set in where their body is starting to rot and it smells bad, they can be beautiful.
It's not to say that somebody who half of their face is missing because they fell asleep and their house went on fire can't be beautiful.
They can be beautiful.
It doesn't mean that somebody whose eyes have been both gouged out can't be beautiful because you can put glass ones in.
It doesn't mean that somebody with a fungus that has eaten the majority of their vaginal area can't be beautiful.
And they had that surgery.
It doesn't mean that.
It doesn't mean that somebody who is like a centaur, which is half horse, half person, can't be beautiful.
They have a big horse cock.
You jerk it off.
It smells a little weird and it's furry, but they can be beautiful.
It doesn't mean that a fawn can't be beautiful, which is a half goat, half human.
It doesn't mean that somebody who's a thousand pounds can't be beautiful and that has a little bit of a rash on the innards of their anus that has turned into this, you know, pus-filled things that are very, very big and they explode every time they take your shit.
It doesn't mean they can't be beautiful.
It doesn't mean somebody with the type of psoriasis that it's almost like a dinosaur's skin.
The scales are, and they flake off and they're so rough that they could actually cut your skin if you touched them.
It doesn't mean they can't be beautiful.
What it means is that there's a little bit of a standard that's widely recognized as a nice look.
That's all.
We saw a gentleman today at Brunch who had was not white, which is nice, was Hispanic and had shaggy hair.
It was a very nice, you go, that's a good looking person.
That's a good looking person.
If that person was six or 700 pounds bigger than they are now, it might hurt the look.
It may not.
Leanism vs Ableism00:07:17
I don't know.
But they, and they weren't thin.
That guy was not thin, right?
He was like lean.
He was lean.
There was no six pack.
But there was a leanism.
But I mean, what I'm saying is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
That's my point.
And I, and I hope Victoria Secret figures it out.
I just, what I think is going to happen, and there's nothing wrong with this, is just the Victoria Secret fashion show is going to start and they're just going to start in wheelchairs rolling out people with flesh eating diseases.
And that's okay.
I'm for that.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm for that.
This affects me not at all.
It affects Hunter Biden.
Book of Mormon, which is, do you know my second cousin wrote this or my third cousin?
Oh, really?
This guy, Robert Lopez, who's like kind of related to me, but really not related to me.
And him and his wife probably want nothing to do with me.
They're New York theater people.
Theater people.
Book of Mormon, the Tony Winning Musical comedy by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Robert Lopez.
So he's the music.
He writes the music.
He wrote Let It Go for Trozen.
He wrote the music for Frozen.
He wrote Avenue Q.
The show's irreverent depiction of Africans has been much discussed topic in theater circles since Matters of Broadway's entrenched racism took on a renewed scrutiny followed last summer's BLM protest in a People TV interview.
Original cast member Josh Gadd asked about a potential film adaptation, said, I don't know that the show could open today and have the same sort of open-arm response that it did then.
It's not to say that it's less significant or wonderful or incredible as a musical.
I just think the nature of the art to adapt.
Isn't it a book about Mormons who are ridiculous?
Yeah.
These people believe in magical underwear and that the Bible was dictated to a guy named Joseph Smith who was like staying in a holiday inn or something.
Yeah.
So the whole musical is a brilliant satire about how insane that is to a degree, right?
And I guess they also slightly tone deaf when it comes to Africans because it's satirizing Mormons who are probably racist.
Right.
That's the whole point, right?
The whole point is for you to go, look how ridiculous.
Look how absurd.
Not, oh, they got a point.
Right.
But that's the fear.
The fear is that people go there and they sit down in a Broadway theater in the middle of Manhattan and go, yep, they're right.
They're right about black people.
They're wrong about everything else they believe, about magical underwear and Joseph Smith, who was like some drunk who came up with some dumb.
Like they're wrong about all that and the temple that you have to go.
Yeah, they're wrong about all that.
So it's absurd to me.
This was the most successful Broadway show other than Hamilton in like history.
Book of Mormon was so incredibly successful.
Nobody was upset at Book of Mormon.
It was widely understood that this was a parody of people that believed absurd things.
Okay.
And now people are going, we have to adapt.
Correct.
We have to change it.
It's interesting when you look at Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who are probably the most brilliant satirists of our time and political social commentary.
Nobody really does it better.
And people going, let's change it.
Let's take a step back and let's change it.
And I don't know.
It just seems like it's never ending.
And then in the Heights comes out, Lynn Manuel Miranda.
People go, well, there's colorism.
The Latin people are not Afro-Latina.
I don't know.
Listen, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, it's a great quote.
We're letting the perfect become the enemy of the good.
If it is good to have more representation, which I think it is, it's clearly good.
As long as it's based on talent, right?
And merit and finding people that are really good at what they do and not softening the entire space to where you're elevating mediocre people based solely on, you know, box checking.
But if you have people that are super talented, which in many cases they do, this is a great positive thing.
But let's not let the perfect become the enemy of the good.
Nothing's going to be, and it's also whose idea is perfect.
We don't know what perfect is, but certain people's idea of like everything has to check every box and be the most.
And it's like we're losing art can't function like that.
It can't.
It just simply cannot.
And all the people that dismiss these concerns and go like, this is all old people that are like, hey, I can't go on stage and hate transgender people anymore.
Sure, there's an element in that.
But I think the more, you know, reasonable people are saying all these things are a net positive.
Diversity, different voices, different stories, things like that.
It matters how it's done.
And it matters that the art is first, the comedy is first.
Whatever you're doing happens to be first.
And you're not pathologizing everything into a political statement.
You're making something great and including other people for no other reason than the fact that they enrich the work and make it better.
It's crazy that SNL never had an Asian person on.
It's crazy that they didn't have a black woman.
I've said that.
Black women are probably the naturally funniest group of people over a certain age, usually over 40.
But it's crazy that SNL, but it's all these white liberal, you know, Harvard guys that all you people want to be ruled by all the time.
All you people, they seem to escape.
As long as you're a tall Ivy League white guy, you seem to get out of the, you seem to get out of that and they, everybody still, you know, builds a statue to you on the Temple Mount.
I don't cast SNL.
You know, they probably had some blind spots.
They certainly did.
But, you know, we've taken it to a level here where it's, you know, it's getting absurd.
You know, if every single story just has to have the most...
The most marginalized people truly are dead people.
Right?
They're not alive.
They don't have the privilege of even drawing breath.
So if we take this to its logical conclusion, we're all necrophiliacs.
Because if you're alive, there's some level of privilege in being alive.
So if we're just going to do, if we're just going to have, we're just going to have, we're going to have to put a bunch of corpses in a room and call it the Christmas story.
If, if that's what we're really going to do.
Because now people are like, well, you have, you're ableist.
You can walk.
You're neurotypical.
You're not autistic.
You're cisgendered.
So you're the gender that you were born as.
You're straight.
You're not queer.
You're, you know, so, so again, we just, we're going down the line here and it just seems a little ridiculous.
And we all know that.
And there's really no way out of it per se.
Living Privilege in Texas00:06:25
So that's why there'll probably be some type of, there's a split happening and it's pretty big.
The people that are on TV right now that have their own shows have far less followers on Twitter and Instagram than I do and other people that are online.
One of the reasons for that is the eyeballs are leaving TV and they're going to the internet.
How do people try to colonize the internet?
What a word.
Colonize.
We don't know, but it's coming.
It's coming.
And you see the split.
And the people that are on one side of the split are in a fit of rage.
I don't care.
I can enjoy shows like Hacks on HBO and say they're fun shows.
But a lot of the same people in that part of the entertainment business are somehow angry that there's people online that have money and that have a following.
And the people in the media that work for major corporations and networks are angry that there are people that are on Substack writing and having a following.
So you see a theme here.
You see this decentralization happening and a lot of people are not happy about it.
There's a lot of people that are angry about it and they're going to do something.
They keep trying to do something.
The problem is the money is with us for the moment.
The people want the content.
We have the freedom right now and it's making money because it resonates with people because we can do what within reason what we want to do.
And we hope it stays like that.
But if not, I will, with Hunter Biden, start a podcast and it will be great.
Bill Maher, he's a lot of great takes.
It's just too much of a get off my lawn energy.
Like a lot of his takes are good.
It's just couched in a, and again, it's my same thing.
It's like him, Kimmel, Fallon, Colbert.
Just go.
Yeah, yeah.
Just go.
You've been around for too long.
You did it.
You had it.
We have the same, these networks are terrified of replacing these people.
They try to Lily Sing it bombed.
They try, they're terrified.
They're terrified of what the new late night shows will look like because of everything I just mentioned.
But give me one.
Give Shane Gillis one.
Give Nick Mullen.
Wouldn't it be great?
Wouldn't it be great?
You want to see that guy, that writer, Seth Simon?
Do you want to see his head melt?
I get a late night show.
Shane Gillis gets one and Nick Mullen gets one.
You want to see like just heads?
His head just completely melts.
But we're on tour.
Caroline sold out five shows within a few hours.
Really excited about that.
We've got other dates too.
We've got so many.
The merch is over Sunday at midnight.
So today, when this comes out, you've got one more day for fake business, for the pink, the yellow, any of the fake business merch.
Also, the Tim Dylan show, t-shirts, hoodies, the flash drive.
This is sold out.
It's $20 for the flash drive.
That was a little excessive.
The fake business, thermos.
The fake business, white hot.
The fake business notebook is sold out.
And also that other thing.
Okay.
Well, they're all sold out except for the shirts, the real good stuff, the hats.
Get it.
I'm telling you right now, it's great for the fall.
I know it's party summer, but the fall is coming, folks.
That's a killer summer shirt.
But the fall is coming, and Hunter Biden's going to pick up that rock again, and he's going to make some great art.
Where do you want to be when you hear Hunter Biden crash his car on the middle of Melrose?
I want to be sitting in my fake business hoodie in the fall.
Where do you want to be when Hunter Biden ODs?
I mean, dude, do you think Biden, they've hired your Secret Service to like camp out outside of his house?
Look at that coffee brown Tim Dylan show hoodie.
I like that one a lot.
Does it get better than that?
What do you have planned for Katie's parents?
We're going to go golfing tomorrow.
Oh, nice.
And did you tell them you're leaving?
Yeah, yeah.
Eventually.
And what did they say?
They said, we know Ben's worked very hard and we got to get it.
What's great about these Texas families, this is what I've learned about Texas people.
I'm going to give some compliments now.
And by the way, the only, I'm never shooting on Texas.
I'm shooting on Austin, which I like Texas a lot.
I like Dallas.
I like people with big hair and really cool pools and hot days and that kind of like, you know, that bus boy today was like Latin, but not.
That's the whole thing.
Now, and I don't mean but not like if, you know, I'm saying it's that mixing is nice.
Everybody likes it.
Everybody likes it.
Oh, the mashed potatoes and the gravy.
The point is, what I'm saying is that these Texas families stay out of your fucking business.
They stay the fuck out.
Long Island people are loud, obnoxious, nosy, just in your fucking business, in your life.
Your name is in their mouth all the time.
These Texas families, just by seeing Ben's family and Katie's family, they are just stoic ranch people.
And it is so important.
They just let their kids live their lives.
They respect them.
They go, we raise good kids.
They're going to go out and live their lives.
We are independent.
Don't you feel that?
Yeah, they're like, just be independent.
That's great.
That is a fucking Texas.
Long Island is just this thing where they go, we want to control you and we want to give you our opinion all the time.
And we want, and it's just fucked.
And I really appreciate this Texas, you know, freedom.
It's about freedom.
Yeah.
Your aunt will call you and talk you out of decisions you haven't even made.
Yeah.
She'll be like, hey, if you're thinking about it, don't do this.
But in fairness, I will do that to others.
Yeah.
But I'm right.
I have that Long Island thing too, where I will call people and tell them what to do and how to live.
But I'm correct.
I guess she thinks she's right.
That's the problem.
But she's not.
But I am.
Denver Comedy Tickets00:07:13
Denver Comedy Works.
Try to get tickets.
We're trying to open them up at full cap the 23rd through the 27th.
This is the only time I'm going to be in Denver for a while.
We're trying to open this club up.
Try to get tickets.
Keep trying because every day they're adding more tickets.
Raleigh, North Carolina, the 8th through the 10th.
New York City, Caroline sold out.
15th through the 17th.
Boston, Massachusetts, Wilbur Theater.
There are some tickets left.
July 21st through the 23rd.
Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut.
There are tickets left on the 24th, a few of them.
Irvine, we're adding shows.
Keep checking.
Even if you heard or saw that one of them is sold out, capacity is constantly being updated.
Tickets are constantly being added.
Irvine, California, the 29th through the 31st.
San Diego, California, the 12th through the 14th.
American Comedy Call Las Vegas.
That's a music festival.
So if you're there at the festival, you want to buy a ticket to that.
I'm doing an hour there.
Why is that on there twice?
Because you're also doing the, I think you're doing two shows.
You're doing House of Blues, and then you're doing this as well.
Am I?
I think so.
I thought it was one show.
We'll have to figure that out.
We'll call our agent.
He's probably at brunch.
He's at Torrey Pines right now.
Oh, yeah, what?
Watching the U.S. Open?
Yeah.
You're so jealous.
You just hear like it's very quiet on the green and then you just hear him with a potato chip.
And who are they?
Are they all there?
Like Brooks Capcom all over there?
Yeah, Brooks, Publisher Watson.
You're in the green.
And we're just, we're just waiting.
Start agent eating.
Chicago, Illinois, the 24th through the 28th.
We're trying to open that up to Lori Lightfoot to Menace.
Grab tickets to that.
Thursday, September, Baltimore, the 23rd through the 25th.
Milwaukee, October 7th through the 9th.
And then we got other stuff as well.
And we're taking a little sabbatical, I think.
And then we're going to start our move back to the what is California called?
The sunshine?
The golden state.
The golden state.
Yeah.
And then Carolines, did it sell out completely?
I believe Caroline just sold out completely.
Also, I'll be at Joe Rogan's Comedy Extravaganza, the club in Austin, Joe Rogan's Comedy Hut.
It is me.
The lineup is sick.
It's me, Brody Stevens, Gary Shanling, Joan Rivers.
It is an insane, and Bob Schimmel.
So it's Robert Schimmel, Gary Shanling, Joan Rivers, Brody Stevens, and Tim Dillon at Joe Rogan's Comedy Hut in Austin.
Now, let's, and you know, I have not spoken to my father in almost three months.
So for Father's Day, I thought it'd be very nice to call my father on this show.
Let's give him a ring and we'll see what happens.
Not spoken to my dad in two months.
It's almost three.
Hey, Scott.
Oh, my God.
You caught me at the weirdest time.
Oh, my God.
My slave is here.
And he's like, split the script.
He's being Dominatrex.
It's insane.
Hold on one second.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
He wants me to sit on this neutral bullet.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Dad.
Happy Father's Day.
How are you?
Hey, Slot.
Well, I'm doing pretty bad.
I've been just stuck here with my slave.
And he's split the script and he's seeing my dominatrex.
It's insane.
So I don't understand.
So he, you usually dominate him?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he's hired as a slave.
He's being fucking crazy right now.
Oh, my God.
He wants me to sit on this neutral bullet again.
Do you think I should do it?
Should I do it?
I mean, it's Father's Day.
This is crazy.
Happy.
Oh, my God.
You're such a sweetheart for calling.
Hold on one second.
Oh, my God.
By the way, how's school?
Hold on one second.
Let's go down.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Timothy, I'm so scared.
It's the big cup.
Okay, hold on.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ.
It smells like a Lisa Milano's asshole in here.
Oh, my God.
It's fun, though.
Thank you so much for calling.
I mean, how are you?
It's good.
Is this safe?
Is everything you're doing safe?
Oh, my God.
Please, don't worry.
This happens all the time here.
Holy fucking shit.
He just hit me in the asshole with a pan.
Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
This is like a service that you have come to your home.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Listen, enough about me.
How are you?
How's Austin?
Do you like it?
You know, it's an adjustment.
I think I'm going back to LA.
I think it's more my sleep.
What are you saying?
It's beautiful and Austin and the talent there.
Oh, my God.
Timothy, stay.
Give it a chance.
I don't think I can.
Oh, my God.
I am not putting that down the garbage compactor.
Oh, my God.
Timothy, is this a bad time?
No.
No, it's a good time.
Why don't I call you back?
It's a great time.
Can I call you back or something?
It's a great time.
I just want to wish you happy father's.
You know, we hadn't talked in a while.
I wanted to make sure that everything was okay.
Sit down on it.
Sit on it.
I am not sitting on that.
Oh, my God.
Timothy, it's your high school trophy.
I cherish this.
No.
I'm going to sit on it.
Is this okay, Timothy?
Yes.
If you have to do it, you can do it.
We've got a little bit of help.
I have to.
He's in charge.
I'm supposed to be the one in charge.
It's insane.
Oh, my God.
You did so good on the soccer tournament.
Okay.
I've got the head.
I'm down by the waist.
Oh, Timothy, I'm so sorry.
I know you love this.
We'll clean it up.
Oh, God.
Well, I'm glad you're having a good weekend.
Thank you so much for calling.
It's so sweet.
And I hope you and you know the power dynamic between you and the dominant.
I hope you guys figure that out.
Oh, my God.
I hope it flips at some point.
Thank you so much for calling.
And thank you for the flowers.
It's so sweet.
Yes.
Well, I appreciate it.
And give them to your wife.
Oh, my God.
I have to go, Timothy, but God bless you for calling.
Yes, thank you.
Happy Father's Day.
Good luck at school.
Thank you.
That is my father.
He seems well.
He seems like he's doing the right thing.
And, you know, you know, hey, just happy that he's doing well.
Yeah.
He seems good.
He's very good.
Okay.
Well, happy Father's Day to everyone out there.
And I hope your dad is having as much fun as mine.