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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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New Studio Space in Austin00:14:18
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show audio only episode.
How fucked are we?
How disrespectful.
What contempt we have for our fans?
We're back in the studio next week.
We're having the studio amped up.
We're moving.
We got a new space in Austin.
The studio is going to look the same.
Don't worry your little heads about it.
It's going to be great, but we need to have it done.
We're having the pillows fluffed and the curtains steamed and the neon sign is being moved and all of that.
And I want to apologize for canceling some of the spots in LA.
I am no longer in LA.
I am not in LA.
All of the Instagram photos that I have uploaded at sushi restaurants and at the beach are from other places.
They were taken years ago and uploaded today.
I am not here.
I want to perform in backyards and alleys.
Listen, here's the deal with spots.
You people have to realize this.
And I'm terribly saddened by the fact that many people don't get this.
When I do a spot on a show, I am doing a 10-minute set, maybe 15, potentially 12.
It is not my show.
I am not headlining it.
I have no control over the show.
I don't know when I'm going to go up.
And if I book a lot of those spots in a night, sometimes with LA traffic and shit like that, I can't get to one of them, truly.
And sometimes when it's a place like the Ha Ha Comedy Club, which I don't didn't know anything about, but it was an alley with 12 people in it.
I walk in and then I walk out because I don't want to be there.
You see?
I want to do something else.
So I do it.
And I'm sorry that you bought seven tickets to it for your birthday, your birthday at the Ha Ha Comedy Club in an alley.
It's not Tim Dylan's headlining and we're going to have a great time.
It's Tim Dylan's going and doing 10 minutes, probably the majority of which is me going on stage going, I don't want to be here.
I walked into the Ha Ha Comedy Club, which is outside.
They're not inside.
It's outside.
And there were eight audience members or 10 that I counted.
There was a girl on stage, a white girl with like a Bob Marley hat, going, if aliens land, they're just going to go on Rogan and do DMT.
I don't know who this person is.
I have not booked her.
I am sorry you had to suffer through that.
I apologize for that.
But this is what happens when I do.
I don't do a ton of spots.
I'm usually out on the road doing my own shows, headlining.
And those are the shows that I show up to and are good.
And I try to do the other ones, but sometimes there's a problem.
There's traffic.
There's crime.
There's homeless.
And that prevents me from getting to the spot because I'm on my way.
I was on the way to a spot and I tripped and fell into a sushi restaurant for three hours.
And it happens because of the violence on the streets.
I was walking down the street and then there was a gang of Palestinians beating me up.
And I said, I'm an Irish Catholic.
And the only refuge I could take was to spend three hours eating sushi and not going to the thing.
I apologize when it's a headlining show.
It's a headlining show.
You know, when it's a spot and I'm doing 10 minutes, I try to get to all of them that I can.
And it should be a thing where if you like the whole lineup, go.
Don't go just for me.
Go if you like everybody.
If you go, I like the Sklar Brothers.
Good.
Go to that.
Go.
It's a group effort, is what I'm saying.
You could stay home and watch Barb and Star, The new movie, Barb and Star, which I can't recommend more.
I mean, Barb and Star.
It's so good.
It doesn't have a plot and there's no jokes, but it's very brightly colored.
It's brightly colored and it's very serene.
There's blues and greens and there's musical numbers and it's some SNL alum getting their funny on.
So you can always watch Barb and Star.
But genuinely, message me if you bought a lot of tickets to the haha comedy parking lot and you're offended that you could not see me do 12 minutes.
I apologize.
I will try to get you into some of the headlining shows.
But this is the difference between when a comedy show is a headlining show that I am putting on and a show that I'm being promoted on the lineup, but I really don't know what's going on.
And I tried to get to the ha-ha the first time, not the second.
But the problem is, if you book too many of these spots in a night, it's hard to get to all the, and I, and I try.
But a lot of these shows in L.A., God bless everyone.
They're in backyards.
Some of them are very fun.
And support them, but support them because you love comedy, not just me.
There's a lot of me out there.
And there's other people out there.
You know, I just, it's, you know, doing spots is something I've done for 12 years.
It's not as fun anymore doing them.
It's not as fun anymore to have to make small talk with Anthony Jeselnik, who shared an article saying that comedy had an alt-right problem that the New Republic decided to publish.
Anthony Jeselnik, who made his bones doing Boston Marathon bombing jokes, has now decided he's the arbiter of what is and isn't appropriate to be said on stage.
And I have to go and speak to him like he's an actual human being.
That's what I have to do.
That's part of my career.
I have to speak to him like he's a person.
He's a great joke writer.
The comedy is not really for me.
I'm more interested in human beings, carbon-based life forms.
But what he does is, you know, great and people love it.
But that's what spots are.
I have to sit in a green room and talk to him, even though I know that he shared an article that seeks to take everybody that I know's career away.
But, you know, I got to sit there and go, yeah, how are you?
Oh, they're good.
Yeah, the audience is good.
Good to see you.
And I shit on Austin all the fucking time.
I shit on it all the time.
But a lot of these people in LA, I mean, they've got another thing coming.
I don't know what the hell they think is going to go on.
I mean, you guys, can you do spots for the rest of your life?
Do spots and stand in parking lots and smoke cigarettes for the rest of your life.
I don't, you know, hey, enjoy that.
Good.
Enjoy that.
And let me know when you can afford that $12 million house out here.
Let me know.
Let me know when you can afford that $12 million home.
Let me know when your vision board starts to work out.
Keep me updated.
Keep me abreast of that.
Because I got a nice house and it ain't big.
It's fine and it's big enough for me.
And we're going to pay that.
And we're going to podcast and make content.
We're going to do shows on the road.
And we will come to LA from time to time to do spots.
And just understand what those spots are.
I mean, it's, you know, it's not something where I can really control everything that happens.
I do my best to get to the spots.
I do.
I do my best.
But there are problems with getting to all of those spots.
There are dinners.
There are things I'd rather do.
There is laying in a bed.
There is smoking cigarettes on the street.
There is talking to a hotel valet and deciding that I find him more interesting than doing it.
There are all kinds of problems because of the violence, because of the homelessness.
Do you see?
Lori Lightfoot, mayor of Chicago, who I can't describe how much I enjoy Lori Lightfoot.
I can barely put into words how obsessed I am with this woman.
Somebody messaged me on Instagram and they said, you try reasoning with this menace.
She's a menace.
She's destroying one of the great American cities, but somebody else would be if she wasn't.
And she's a lot of a fun.
She looks like a Batman villain.
She's a lesbian.
And there's all kinds of rumors that she's like cheating on her wife.
And, you know, she's, I don't know, using state money and she's taking like broths to shitty hotel rooms.
And I mean, she's now refusing to talk to anybody who's not black.
She won't talk to white reporters anymore.
There's pictures of her with these big balloon pants.
Like she wears ill-fitting clothes.
They don't fit.
And I mean, she's just an absolute legend.
She wears, you know, these weird-like suits.
And then she wears these fedoras and she walks around like a Batman villain.
Like I picture her like walking down the street in a suit with a fedora on and a cane just, you know, hitting homeless people.
But Lori Lightfoot is our hero here.
She's our hero.
And she's forcing the, if you want to talk to her in Chicago, you're going to have to do blackface.
If you are a reporter in Chicago that is white and you want to talk to Lori Lightfoot, you have to do blackface.
She's given you no choice.
You should be, you should not be even in the slightest bit of trouble for painting your face black to talk to the mayor of Chicago, Lori Lightfoot, if you are curious as to what's going on.
But Lori has an open invitation on this show.
I will get a black translator here, and I will ask questions to the black person to then be asked to Lori Lightfoot because we like Lori so much.
We appreciate she's a goon.
And if there's one thing that we respect and we love and we appreciate, it is a goon.
And we love her.
And we just want to say that even though we're white, and by the way, we're sorry about that.
We had very little control over it.
We wouldn't trade it, as Louis E.K. said, because it does seem to be easier.
But not now, because we want to talk to Lori Lightfoot.
In fact, that's every day I just want to speak to Lori Lightfoot and see, I mean, her name, just her name is perfect.
Everything about her is absolutely perfect.
My dream is a Caitlin Jenner Lori Lightfoot presidential ticket.
Caitlin, of course, headlining it, more name recognition, but Lori Lightfoot as the VP, kind of like a Dick Cheney, a power player behind the scenes, pokes her fedora, wearing head out every now and then, shuffles on a stage in an ill-fitting suit and then lays down the law.
That's what we hope.
That's what we're going for.
But we are kind of unironically supporting Caitlin Jenner on this show.
I like Caitlin.
I think she's an example of true diversity in a country that claims to want it and does not.
We do not want diversity.
We want young, good-looking, ethnically diverse, but usually ethnically ambiguous people that all have the same life experiences, views, thoughts.
We like mediocrity.
We do not like greatness.
And Caitlin, say what you will, is an example of greatness.
Decathlete, Olympian.
How many gold medals do we know?
Let me see.
I mean, a woman who has truly lived many lives.
And she's what the state of California needs.
Yeah, in 76 for the decathlon. won the gold medal.
Yes.
Amazing.
She's a denizen of the country club.
She's a denizen of the...
She likes diversity the way a lot of people of her generation like it.
They like seeing it on TV.
They don't want it too close.
They, you know, she doesn't really love the homeless.
She wants them gone.
She's a country club trans person who murdered two people in a car and acts like it doesn't happen.
She's just heading down to PCH 100 miles an hour, remembering the good times, remembering people putting gold medals around her neck.
Before she was subjugated to a tertiary role in that family of Armenians that lived in Calabasas, Caitlin strutted around that house like a nobody, like a nothing, like an afterthought, while everyone else engaged in feuds and scandals.
Caitlin just kind of played it close to the vest, very quietly, would go out and golf, offer a few words of wisdom when asked, but rarely asked.
Caitlin was really an afterthought on that show, but all the while, Caitlin was sitting there going, I am cooking up a way to come back big.
Big.
And Caitlin had known for a while that Caitlin, who was known at that time as, we will say like Voldemort, the name that cannot be mentioned because it will be deadnaming and we will be kicked off.
But Caitlin, there was another iteration of Caitlin bouncing around.
And Caitlin knew that that wouldn't do.
She said, I've always felt like Caitlin.
Caitlin Jenner's Quiet Return00:15:25
But I don't want to change who I am.
I don't want to not be rich.
And I don't want to not be, you know, a person that likes law and order and money and country clubs.
She likes that.
And why shouldn't she?
She's good at things, right?
Caitlin does things very well.
So she likes people who also do things very well.
Yes, she's a bit insensitive.
Yes, the only Mexican people she's spoken to are giving her guacamole.
I understand that.
I understand that maybe she's a little culturally unhip, if you will.
Caitlin spent a little too long on the golf course, a little too much time in Calabasas, doesn't really regard diversity as anything else other than like a keen senior on a Malibu beach.
That's getting a little too loud.
But Caitlin's important.
This is an important figure in America.
We need more trans people that come from this background.
We don't need more trans nerds, do we?
Do we need more Tumblr trans people?
I don't think so.
It's like we don't need more gays that are wearing leather and pink thongs doing cartwheels down the street.
We need more gays like me, people who look like they work on the docks, people who look like they're a crooked cop or they have a gambling addiction.
People like me, we need more of us.
We get it.
We get that gays, some of them are very fashionable and white women like to keep them in their purse and take them out so that they can chirp at them while they get hammered in Orange County.
We understand that those, and we know that gays are very talented and many of them are in theater.
And there are quite a few of them as flight attendants telling you to put your mask over your nose.
Clearly not a dream job, but you can junk up.
You can do a lot of drugs and then fuck people in the different places you land and then get out of there.
It's not the worst job for a gay, but we just don't need more of them in the public eye because we get it.
In the same way, we don't need more Tumblr trans people.
We don't need more people who've lived their entire lives in a computer.
We don't need more trans people that really like anime.
What we need is a country club trans bitch that's not taking any shit.
We need somebody to pull up in a Bentley and get out in a Christian Lou Bouton, Labutan, and walk into a restaurant and sit down.
And if she spies a tent on her way in, she's unhappy.
That's what we need.
Am I wrong?
I am not wrong.
Yes or yes.
If trans people are to represent the fullness of human experience as they should, why in God's name wouldn't we have a wealthy trans Olympian who's a bit out of touch?
A little Lucille Bluth in her.
She doesn't really tolerate too much self-pity.
She doesn't like it.
You can tell that Caitlin Jenner is a tough bitch.
She is.
She doesn't really tolerate you if you're going to, she doesn't like the whimpering.
Oh, I don't have money.
Oh, I was just in the middle lane on the PCH.
Any of those things.
She doesn't like it.
It doesn't matter because she's got somewhere she wants to go.
And it's usually a 12,000 square foot, beautiful desert home.
And I am supporting her because I, unlike everyone else, care about diversity.
And it would greatly help trans people.
I had a joke when I first started comedy.
We need more gay people in gangs.
We need more violent gay people.
Gay people that other people are afraid of, you know, in the same way that trans people, we need strong trans people, insensitive trans people, people who have money and aren't ashamed of it.
People who are willing to tell you that they are better than you.
She's a conservative gal.
She did an interview with Sean Hannity in her airplane hangar.
It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen.
A great spectacle of political theater.
Okay?
Now, Ms. Lightfoot, who we love, is not at this level yet.
Hopefully she will get there.
But Caitlin is a spectacle, not for her transition, but for all the reasons that I had mentioned.
It's a total package.
She is, dare I say, the total package.
And what I love about Caitlin is she speaks kind of like Trump off the cuff.
She has called herself a disruptor.
She's a disruptor.
She's going to disrupt not only the state of California, which I imagine she'll destroy in four to six months, but I don't care.
It's neither here nor there to me.
I want to be entertained from my small house in Texas.
It's not that big.
But I want to be entertained.
I will, of course, be watching it very closely.
I imagine Caitlin won't do anything too much worse than Gavin Newsome, although she might.
I don't know.
But I think California should have a Caitlin Jenner.
They had an Arnold Schwarzenegger.
They should have a Caitlin Jenner.
And as you listen to me, you're kind of agreeing with me here.
She's not going to go too far to the right because she's trans and she gets it.
But she's not going to go too far to the left because she's a multi-millionaire Olympian who's killed people.
That's the difference.
I know that she killed them on accident, but here's what I like about Caitlin.
And this is what I think a chief executive needs.
And the governor of the state is an executive.
Look at Caitlin Jenner.
Listen to her talk.
Do you think she spends one minute of her day thinking about the people she killed?
Do you think when she's ordering, I don't know, Ouevos Rancheros out there at the club?
Do you think she's sidelined, even for a minute, thinking about the two lives she ended in Malibu?
No.
Much like George H.W. Bush, who probably didn't think too much about his partner when that plane went down years ago, go to the archives.
I think Caitlin has shown tremendous strength in being able to kind of just go on about her day-to-day life without thinking too much.
And who are the people, by the way, that she killed?
Do we know?
Let me look it up.
Because I know that.
See if it's public.
I know it was an accident.
When I say murderer, I'm kidding.
I don't think she did it intentionally.
I'm just saying I don't think it keeps her up at night, which I think is important.
She's going to be making big decisions and running a state.
She can't always be guilt-ridden, stricken with feelings of despair.
Oh, God.
It's the fucking.
Hello.
How are you?
Good.
We can't, unfortunately.
Well, what time has it become available?
Okay.
What's the temperature like down there?
What time is it now, Ben?
It's 1:51 p.m.
No, sorry, buddy.
We appreciate it.
Thank you.
One of the cabanas became open.
We were on a wait list.
T but Aki, we can't do it now.
We're in the middle of the show.
I can't just leave here and go to a cabana.
But it's the high 60s grazing the 70s.
We can go in the pool, though.
Yeah.
See, this is what I think Caitlin Jenner thinks about instead of the two people that she left dead on the side of the road.
Do you understand?
And why shouldn't she?
Yes, there are problems.
But Caitlin understands that problems aren't real if you can't see them.
Who did she kill, Ben?
Okay, so the local sheriff's department determined she was driving her escalade at an unsafe speed when she rear-ended 69-year-old widow Kim Hose Lexis, pushing her into oncoming traffic.
Ho died after crashing head-on into the Wolf Molesis.
So only one person died?
So the Wolf Malesi family sued Jenner over the crash and in their court papers listed extensive injuries.
Their two sons, one was only a month old, and Wolf Malissi's mother, Elga Maurer.
So they had cervical spine fracture.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
She killed a one-month-old?
No, no, no, no.
The one-month-old was injured.
And also, it looks like the mother had a cervical spine fracture, according to the lawsuit.
They sound like frauds.
They sound like frauds.
I mean, I got to be honest.
So, who only one person died?
It seems that one person, and she agreed to pay out $800,000 to the family.
Oh, enough.
Enough!
She can rearrun me.
Push me in oncoming traffic.
It is sad that the one-month-old was injured.
Is he fine now?
Yeah, immediately was fine, but wasn't responding to stimuli at the scene of the crash, went to the hospital, and was totally fine.
She almost killed a baby.
Whatever.
You know, it's the cancel culture I don't like.
That's my biggest problem, is the cancel culture.
I don't like the cancel culture.
And to cancel her because she almost killed a baby to me is unconscious.
And killed a widow, just one widow.
Who's what?
69?
69.
How much more do you got?
How many gold medals did that widow win?
I don't understand you people not getting what I'm saying here.
We need this woman and we need her now.
It is sad.
I'm happy the baby's okay.
Had the baby died, it only would have proven my point more.
Do you think that would have sidelined her campaign if she killed a one-month-old?
I don't think so.
That's what I like about Caitlin.
I think if Caitlin had killed a one-month-old baby, she still wouldn't really, she might think about it occasionally, but Caitlin knows.
She knows.
Can we play her clip on the homeless?
Yeah.
Because this is our next governor in California.
And I don't live here.
Don't fuck with me, IRS.
I do not live here.
This is a clip of our next governor or the next governor of California speaking about the homeless.
California.
My friends have leaving California.
Actually, my hanger, the guy across Frederick Rifley, he was packing up his hangar.
I said, where are you going?
And he says, I'm moving to Sedona, Arizona.
I can't take it in there anymore.
I can't walk down the streets to see the homeless.
I don't want to leave.
Okay.
Either I stay and fight or I get out of here.
She's going to fight the homeless.
This is such an important point of her campaign.
Listen to the wording.
Her friend from across the street, probably a guidance counselor or something, public school teacher, I imagine, bus driver.
Caitlin is speaking to her friend, and he's saying, I can't do it anymore.
I can't look at the homeless.
Caitlin's response is then, I don't want to leave.
I want to fight.
She's going to fight the homeless.
She might start going on midnight raids in that escalade.
What if Caitlin Jenner, in her escalade, was just mowing over tent cities for the betterment of California?
Do you understand that?
Driving at an unsafe speed with reckless abandon, mowing over tent cities, mowing over the homeless for you, the citizen.
Do you get it?
Don't you get it?
This woman is trying to save you.
She's just said she will stay in the state and fight the homeless for you.
Presumably you don't want to do it, but she will.
Can you play the clip?
I don't know if you have it queued up.
I know that you're concerned mainly about the PGA Golf Championship.
That's what you spent most of your time on.
And showing everyone your new shirt that your wife bought you.
What does your wife do the week of your month of your birthday?
She gets me a present every week leading up to my birthday.
Is one of those presents anal what now?
Why does she do this?
She treats it like Hanukkah.
Is that Hanukkah?
They get a present every day for eight days.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So I guess she does like a different version of that.
Yeah.
Now, does she get you a big present at the end, or do you just get a present every week?
No, it's just kind of the same big present every week.
What have you gotten?
Now, your birthday is when?
June 25th.
Are we even in the month of June?
No, she started early because she didn't want to wait.
She gets too excited.
Now, is this the first gift you've gotten?
I've got two gifts, this and then my new travel bag I have with my initials on it.
Wow.
And then the gifts will continue until June 25th when it's your birthday.
Your gift for me is your continued employment, which is subject to constant review.
Constant review.
Because quite frankly, I don't know.
Can you play the clip of the Jenner interview where she speaks about the police?
Yeah, let me find that.
Because this is the only time in the interview where Caitlin lied.
And I have to call her out because I respect her.
She lied.
She said every time she sees the cops, she pulls next to them and says, thank you for your service.
The Lie About the Police00:11:36
Can you imagine how startled you would be as a police officer if Caitlin Jenner just pulled up and was like, thank you for your service, Bars, and then kept going, which she does not do.
You can tell she's lying here.
You can tell she's being honest when she says, my friends hate looking at the homeless.
That's true.
But when she says, when she says something like, hey, hey, man, I just pull over every time I see a cop and I say thank you.
We know that's not the case.
She says thank you to maybe the security guard at her inner gated community.
But guess what?
Even no, even that no.
Caitlin speaks to very few people.
It's what I like about Caitlin.
She has a few friends she speaks to, and she has a lot of employees that she barks at.
But she does it like you probably say.
You know, everyone on the Instagram is like, treat Ben better.
I mean, what?
Do you have this up with Caitlin?
Okay, Fox News says, Caitlin Jenner, I'm 100% behind our police force, and they have a clip here.
Yes, this is probably it.
Let's see if this is it.
I don't know if it is, but.
All right, we're here tonight in Southern California for our exclusive interview with Caitlin Jenner running to be the next governor of the great state of California to replace Gavin Newsom.
Let me just ask you about law and order.
We have, you watched the riots this summer.
Some Democrats, media people wouldn't acknowledge their riots.
I have statistics in LA: 465 shootings since January 1st, up 67% from last year.
Homicides, up 26%.
When you look at L.A. County and Lawrence, does he do any of that?
13%.
And Gavin Newsom is going to release 76,000 Additional inmates for good behavior, 63,000 of them committed violent crimes.
Would you do that?
Not at all.
I think on the releasing of the prisoners, criminal justice reform is very important.
And we need to do that.
Okay.
We need to rehabilitate people in prison and bring them back into the community safely.
Wow, Caitlin.
In his case, I don't know how many of these people have actually been rehabilitated to go back into society.
And so I am 100% behind our police force.
Every place I go.
If I see a cop, if I'm driving and I see a cop, I'll put my hand out the window and give him a thumbs up.
If I'm there sitting there, I'll pull up and say, hey, thank you for your service.
You know, this citizen appreciates what you do.
I 100% support our police forces.
She's lying.
As far as I would be.
What a great bullet.
Very tough.
Riding.
She's like, what am I saying?
I'm using as many forces as I could possibly use to stop the riot and protect the citizens and the businesses of this community.
I think that's extremely important.
The National Guard, whatever we need to keep peace.
The Marines.
What is the police referred?
The National Guard, the Marines, the Green Berets, Navy SEALs, Delta Force, direct energy weapons.
How great if she just kept going?
I would use direct energy weapons, Sean.
You know, electronic pulses, things like that.
You know, any type of thing that we had.
Radiation, tear gas, you know, cluster bombs.
Anything, Sean.
Anything to stop the riots, any forces that I could get my hands on, anything.
We'll do anything, Sean.
We'll never stop.
Throw a brick through the window of Palenciaga.
We'll use a direct energy weapon.
I'll tell you right now, any force, Sean, at my disposal, and I mean anything.
I mean, I've got friends when we go to dinner, Sean, they've got weapons you've never heard of.
Me and you have never heard of them.
But I'm talking about some real interesting stuff.
You know, there's things you can do to people with magnets.
You wouldn't imagine, Sean.
I mean, the things you can do to people with sound.
Do you know this now, Sean?
Sound, you can pulsate energy waves through the air that just knock people down.
They knock people right on their ass.
Any and all weapons at my disposal.
I'm talking right now with Lori Lightfoot.
And we're talking about, well, I'm just saying we're supporting Caitlin.
That's all.
That's what I'm saying.
We're moving on from that now.
But I'm saying we're supporting Caitlin Jenner.
Because as the logo of Bravo says, watch what happens, you know?
And I know Jimmy Kimmel shit on her.
Jimmy Kimmel's like, is it transphobic to call her an a-hole?
She's disconnected.
It's like, hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, the joke bombed.
It's horrible.
Stop.
She's funnier than you.
It's horrible.
Stop crying on TV.
Stop pretending like you have any fucking clue about how to fix the state or that you give a shit about the homeless.
You make like $25 million a year.
Can you stop, please?
This is embarrassing now.
You did a show called The Man Show.
You talked about beer and tits.
You know, this is embarrassing.
You're somehow a statesman now.
Well, you and Chelsea Handler are going to go on a tour.
And, you know, this is embarrassing.
Chelsea Handler, by the way, hopefully she's better.
She got the Moderna shot and went deaf in one ear.
We're sorry to hear that.
We hope Chelsea gets better.
We want her a hearing out of both ears so I can tell her that she's a cunt.
But Jimmy Kimmel going after our next governor.
Not R.
I don't live here.
There in the royal sense.
We live in Texas.
I can prove it.
I don't have to like Austin to enjoy where I live in Texas, which is a very pretty area.
It's very quiet.
People have the guts to say things over coffee like Trump was too liberal.
But I mean, we're getting a little sick of this act with Jimmy Kimmel.
Can you play the Jimmy Kimmel joke, please?
It just bombs horribly.
Is it transphobic to call someone an a-hole?
Or is it not transphobic because we're not discriminating against a-holes?
God, Christ almighty, is it bad?
I want to go swimming later.
I want to inflict my body on other people.
It's nice to stay at a nice hotel and inflict yourself on others.
It makes them understand that no matter how much money they spend, they can't really get away from the problems.
Go on.
I got it right here.
Yeah, please.
Listen to this tidbit of comedy.
This is how well Caitlin Jenner understands the plight of everyday Californians here in L.A. Kimmel then showed a clip from her Fox News interview where Jenner opened up about how her friends are, quote, leaving California.
Actually, my hanger, the guy across Frederick Rafraid, he was packing up his hanger.
I said, where are you going?
And he says, I'm moving to Sedona, Arizona.
I can't take it there anymore.
I can't walk down the streets to see the homeless.
Here was Kimmel's response.
Homeless people can't walk around them, can't fly over them.
You know?
The late night host went on to say this.
Is it transphobic to call a trans person an ignorant a-hole?
I mean, or does calling that trans person an ignorant a-hole, even though she happens to be a trans person, show that we don't discriminate against ignorant a-holes.
For the full late night segment, go to the next one.
That's great.
By the way, I love how they get out of there before the audience doesn't laugh.
What a horrible joke.
It's wordy and bombarded.
It's bad.
I mean, it's bad, huh?
No.
And the other thing is, like, I don't know what you're, where does Jimmy Kimmel live?
Just general area.
Like Maholland Drive, like Hollywood Hills.
Do you know?
Yeah, yeah.
How do you know?
Whitney told us where he lives.
Right.
And there's a lot of homeless people up there, right, with him?
Matt Damon's up there.
Yeah.
That's my understanding, right?
It's just Jimmy and the homeless singing kumbaya.
Because Caitlin doesn't understand the needs of everyday Californians, but Jimmy Kimmel does.
He understands the needs of everyday Californians.
Okay.
Whatever.
Bitcoin took a little nosedive.
Ben has been, he has famously paid in crypto.
The whole crypto market shit the bed.
Ben now owes me money for being employed on this show.
Bitcoin lost what?
Let's rattle off some statistics.
It's down about 30%.
It was 44,000 like five days ago, and it fell all the way to 32, and it's back up to like 37 right now as a report.
Yeah, but I mean, the high was what?
It was about almost 60.
Oh, yeah, close to 60.
It wiped a trillion dollars off the crypto market.
Now, here's my concern.
We are going to do a convention in Miami in early June from June 3rd through the 6th.
It was going to be the biggest party of our lives.
It was going to be a celebration of cryptocurrency, a celebration of Bitcoin, a celebration of narcissism, a celebration of ourselves.
It was going to be a gathering of kooks and criminals and fun people, financial libertarians, people that believed in changing the world, some of them brilliant, some of them not so much.
Some people just wanting to, you know, talk, take some Adderall and chat.
Quarantine had been lifted.
It was going to be fun.
Now I'm wondering, how fun is this going to be?
Is it going to be dark and gloomy and sad?
I had dinner with the Winklevoss twins the other night.
They were fans and wanted to have dinner, and we had a nice dinner in Los Angeles, and they were smart guys, for sure.
You know, I didn't ask them too much about Facebook.
I asked them a little, but not a lot.
They truly, true believers, crypto replaces gold.
It's a reserve currency.
They made a lot of great points.
I'm with them.
Hey.
Of course, I could see the problem government's having here with it.
The Fed's cracking down, the IRS.
You know, I tweeted something today.
People are mad at me.
I'm like, you know, governments aren't using Bitcoin to finance wars and bail out people who lost yachts during the recession.
And people are like, well, what's preventing them from doing that?
I'm like, well, I'm sure they could at one point.
But, you know, like gold, there's a finite amount of it.
They just can't keep printing it, you know, every time, you know, Benjamin Netanyahu needs a suitcase nuke.
Crypto Beliefs and Government Crackdowns00:02:06
So that was the point of the tweet.
So I do understand the kind of revolutionary possibilities of it.
And I've talked to some very smart people in that world.
I am not that intelligent.
I have a rudimentary understanding of blockchain and things like that.
But there's people much smarter than me.
And my lack of autism is a real problem, I think, to be honest.
And I think autistic people are privileged in a weird way because they have such a laser finite focus.
Like they really just key in on something.
Now, the smart ones key in on like blockchain, you know, and the other ones key in on like, I don't know, something that's not as, you know, like anime, something that's not as profitable.
But my lack of autism, I'm like not on the spectrum.
That I think is an issue.
Do I have Asperger?
Can you check?
Read what Asperger.
Maybe I have Asperger.
Somebody said to me once, I think you have Asperger's.
I'm like, I don't think I do, but I don't know.
I think it's like lack of awareness in social situations.
I have a ton of awareness in social situations.
I often just don't care.
Okay, so characteristics of a person with Asperger's, intellectual or artistic interest.
Okay, already?
Yes.
Speech differences?
I don't know.
Delayed motor development.
What does that mean?
Did it take you a while to learn how to walk or use a pencil?
No.
Okay.
Poor social skills.
It took me a while to sodomize myself.
Like, I didn't try that with my finger until I was older, but not that old, like teens.
I have great social skills.
I just hate everyone.
The development of harmful psychological problems.
Well, yeah.
That I have.
Detail-oriented.
No.
I would say with architecture and stuff like that.
Like, you notice certain things.
Yeah, but none of it matters, right?
I mean, the details of my own life.
I lost my hotel key three times.
I lose my wallet.
I lose everything.
Persistence?
Honest Speech Differences Revealed00:05:53
Yes.
And not socially driven.
I don't know what that means.
I was socially driven in high school, but people that are socially driven when they're older are, isn't that another problem?
Yeah.
Oh, and then last two, high integrity and masters of routine.
I'll let the audience judge about my integrity.
I think I have enough.
And a what?
A master of the routine?
Yeah, like you're addicted to routine.
Yeah, that is not the case.
I don't think I have Asperger's.
I think the person who told me that, that was years ago.
And the person who told me that I believe was wrong.
Well, I just wanted to figure that out.
But it was a fun dinner, and I texted them.
I said, would you guys come on the podcast?
I'd love to have you on the podcast to talk about, you know, the volatile week.
And they have not gotten back to me.
But that's okay.
They're busy.
It's been a rough week.
Maybe they will come on.
And also maybe not.
That's a lot of these people are like, yeah, we love the thing, but we do not want to be sitting next to you.
And that's fair.
We are still trying to get somebody to interview for the Bitcoin conference in Miami.
It's definitely going to happen.
Some people are saying about Bitcoin that the bottom has been reached, they think, and then it's going to climb back up.
You know, Kathy Wood.
You know, Kathy Wood.
Of course.
You know Kathy Wood.
Of course.
Do you know Kathy Wood of Ark and Kath?
Do you call her Kath like I do?
Where does she work?
Ark is her.
And she sets price targets, doesn't she?
Yeah, she does.
And a lot of them are when she sets them kind of crazy.
People go, we don't think so.
But then she's turned out right, like about Tesla.
Correct.
Interesting.
You've been on the Kathy Wood train.
I call her Kath because I know her for years.
You've been on the Kathy Wood train for a long time.
I was an ARKG and ARKK there for a while.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What do you like about Kathy Wood?
You want to fuck Kathy Wood?
Is that what you want to do?
Is that what you're trying to do?
Take your big old Texas dick and smack Kathy Wood in the face with it?
How dare you?
How dare you?
She's a CEO.
She's a CEO?
I suppose, yeah.
It's an ETF, right?
So she's like the leader of the ETF.
She's the leader.
Yeah.
But there's a man there, right, as well?
Doing all the decisions?
No, I think it's just Kathy is kind of calling all the shots, but she has a team of like people.
Men.
Yes.
Okay.
I'm getting nervous.
A little nervous there, you know?
It's not a flower shop.
This is big business.
The fake business hoodies are out.
We were going to wear them on the show.
Of course, they didn't send me my correct size.
Here's the thing I'll say.
The quality of these hoodies is truly amazing.
They're soft.
The fake business jacket's amazing.
It's like shit you buy in stores.
It's really great.
It's a big step up, I think, from the merch we were doing before, which was still good, but it's not nearly as good as this.
The people that are involved in merch are a little brain dead, some of these merch people.
You know, I mean, they're not bad people, but I mean, I mean, Christ, you know?
I mean, you're not really dealing with, I mean, you know, this isn't exactly, you know, the best and brightest out there in the merch space.
Let's just be honest about it.
I mean, they're lovely people.
You know, that's something Caitlin Jenner would say at the country club.
She'd go, they're lovely people, but God, not that bright.
But Ben did a lot of work on the merch.
I did some.
I did a lot, too.
The fake business stuff is really cool.
It's really cool that people dig that bit that we did, and it's very funny, and it's a cool, the logo is fucking amazing.
And the quality of the shit is really good.
It's soft.
What is it?
Is it cotton?
What is it?
Polyester?
Let me take this off.
What is it?
I don't know what it is.
But whatever it is, it's soft.
And I have very sensitive skin, and it hasn't given me a rash.
This vest is 100% polyester.
Well, that's not.
That's not good, is it?
But it is good.
Is it soft?
For this vest, yeah, it's very soft.
Sometimes you have to use polyester.
Get the hoodie, see if it's cotton.
Let me see.
I don't have any problems with polyester.
Some people don't like it, but they're stupid.
What did Kathy Wood say about polyester?
Did she say anything about it?
Has Elon Musk tweeted about it?
What is the hoodie?
It's, let's see here.
It's 80% cotton, 20% polyester.
Hey, 80-20, nothing wrong with that.
You need a little polyester.
My mother didn't want me to wear polyester as a child, but I was a gay cocaine addict.
So they were worried about all the wrong things.
They were worried about polyester and not cocaine and the fact that I couldn't get enough penises.
As parents, they should have been concerned about that.
We are working on a book called The Boomer Guide to Parenting, which is about the great parenting strategies that my parents employed with me.
And there's rules about boomer parenting, and we're very excited about it.
And it should hopefully, you know, it's a few months away from being ready, but it's really great.
Parenting Strategies for Boomers00:12:36
We look back at the childhood that a lot of people in my generation had that are in their mid-30s.
And we look back at a lot of the tactics and strategies and lack thereof that our parents used when raising us.
They certainly were not helicopter parents.
They were helicopter parents as they follow the kids around all the time.
Right.
The boomers were slightly less involved.
They were involved in different ways.
They used to drop us off a lot of places.
But a deeply selfish generation.
And we exposed them in the book.
But it's funny.
It's funny all the recollections of things like when my father told me, son, never overestimate your value.
He was right about that.
He was right.
He was saying, just, listen, don't overestimate your value.
If you will do it, you couldn't say that to a kid now.
They'd think it's abuse.
They were less right about other things, of course, and that's the majority of the book.
These are things they weren't right about.
But at the end, there's a chapter where it's like things boomers got right when raising their kids.
He shouldn't be a helicopter parent.
Of course, you don't have to go to the extreme that they did as well.
You know, where somebody's like, my teacher is molesting me.
They're like, well, you shut up.
But there are certain benefits to the way the boomers parented.
And we will get into that.
Are you afraid for the Bitcoin?
Do you think we just have to have it?
Let's start to build because we have this convention.
And I don't really want...
It would be funny if these people were just throwing themselves off balconies in Miami.
Well, I'm seeing some of these shit coins, like Deffi 100, are doing exit scams.
You've seen this?
Yeah.
Well, what did that?
What did the website said?
We scammed you and you can't do anything about it.
Yeah, we scammed you guys and you can't do shit about it.
Ha ha, all you moon boys have been scammed and you can't do shit about it.
Devson, fuck you, moonboys.
And they walked away with $32 million in investor funds.
Well, There you go.
That's what happens.
Crypto's getting raked over the coals.
I think the bubble, which it clearly is an asset bubble, but I think people are starting to realize that you have one Bitcoin and all these other coins.
They got people into crypto, which is what I think people liked about it.
Like the Winklebosses were like, well, these other coins, you know, hey, are they a waste of time?
We don't know.
But they're getting people interested in the crypto space.
And they think long-term that's really good.
So they tolerate the kind of clownish element to a lot of the other coins.
Then there are people that are saying that they think Ethereum could overtake Bitcoin.
I read that.
Zero Hedge dropped that article.
Somebody was saying that.
I don't know if it was an analyst at Goldman or somebody.
I have three Ethereum for my NFT.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do.
I don't know why my NFT did not sell for more.
I thought it was going to sell for $80 million.
Were I dressed up like Megan McCain?
I mean, I don't understand.
What is my three Ethereum worth right now?
Well, I think you, wasn't it five Ethereum?
It was five Ethereum, that's correct.
What is it worth right now?
Let me see the price of Ethereum right now.
Should I just give that to you and then have you work for the rest of the year for free?
I mean, how much money does he deserve?
Him and his wife are constantly trying to get more out of me.
The other day, he had some thing where he said his eyes were degenerating.
So I think she probably told him when they were eating oysters in some parking lot in Texas, she probably goes, you're going to pretend to be blind, and this is how we're going to suck the rest of the money out of him.
And I'm just going to, I'm going to lead you around, and it'll make him feel bad.
We'll tug on his heartstrings.
You know, you're his only friend and everything.
And he goes, yeah, yeah, I feel a little bad about that.
She goes, no, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
He knows you have glasses anyway.
You take them off.
You're kind of blind as a bat.
Pretend to be blind.
I'll walk you in to do the show.
Just keep looking around the room.
We'll give you these big, thick, black glasses.
He won't know the difference.
And then we'll tell him your eye operation costs an insane amount of money.
We'll get it from him.
And then you can, we'll rent a, we'll do a whole thing.
We'll say you're recovering at home, you know, and then we'll just get the money from him.
And then you can just kind of, you know, go back to the show.
And I think that scam was in place, but I called it out as soon as he went to the eye doctor.
I said, if you and your wife are thinking that this is going to work, where you pretend to go blind, and then I have to pay for some crazy fucking experimental surgery to save you, it'll never happen.
I'm not that stupid.
Did you find the thing I'm talking about?
Oh, no.
Oh, Ethereum?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So you have $11,845 worth of Ethereum now.
That's yours.
Thank you.
That's yours.
That's yours.
That's for 2022.
That's for your work.
I don't know why you keep laughing.
All he does, all him and his wife do is they're just trying to.
But I'm very much like Caitlin Jenner.
Like, I understand that the parasites come.
I understand what a scavenger is.
I understand what it is when somebody sees you on the side of the road and you're carry-on, you're a carcass.
And that's what him and his wife look at me as.
And they, like vultures landing on a longhorn, how about that?
Texas.
They just want to rip my decaying flesh off my body.
And I won't let it happen.
That's why I support people like Caitlin Jenner, people who know who they are.
There are some real, listen, you cannot buy friends in the world.
I've tried.
It fails.
I'm telling you.
You cannot buy friendship.
It's really crazy.
You think that you could.
You should be able to in theory, but you can't.
It actually doesn't work.
But what you can buy is the governorship of California.
You can do that.
I mean, that's been proven.
So let's do it again, is my point.
You know, it's interesting that you can't buy friends.
It's interesting.
It's something that you would think you should be able to do.
But you can't.
But money works really well.
Why do you think that is?
You can't buy friends.
I guess because then the love is unconditional, right?
What?
You mean the love is conditional?
Yeah, then the love isn't unconditional.
So the love would be conditional would be the correct way to say that.
Please pipe down.
He ruins everything I try to do.
I'm staring at a half a bottle of beef eater gin that I didn't drink.
My friends came over at their anniversary, so I had them come out here and I made the martinis because I make martinis very well in and out.
We didn't even do vermouth last night.
We did the dryest.
You could do just gin, stir it.
You don't want to bruise the gin.
You don't want to shake a martini until it has all those little ice.
You know, that's not what you do.
Gin shouldn't be that cold.
It should be chilled.
I know a lot about gin, but I'm staring at it.
You know, it's so funny.
I'm at the point in my recovery now as an alcoholic where I don't even want to drink it.
I don't even, I look at it and I don't see that it's the solution to any of my problems.
You know, I look at it and I go, oh, that's funny.
So that's crazy.
10 or 11 years in, 11 years into not drinking and doing drugs, you can stay overnight in a hotel room with a half bottle of gin.
And there was not one part of me that thought of drinking it.
Like there was not one part of me.
There was not one ember of my being, a fiber of my being, whatever that expression is, that I thought, you know, maybe I should just sneak a shot.
What would a shot feel like?
You know, would it make the cigarette better?
If I just did a little shot just to warm me up before I go outside everything, it was not one part of me.
So I'm very, I'm proud of that.
I'm proud of that.
You can do a lot sober.
That's the thing you have to realize.
If you're out there, you're struggling with drugs or with quitting drinking.
You have to realize how much you can do sober and then how this huge part of your life will eventually not become a part of your life at all.
That's really amazing.
Like this isn't even a part of my life.
It's literally just sitting on the counter.
I have no business with it.
I have no business with it.
You know what I mean?
And just to prove that, I drank the whole bottle.
I said, I am so past this.
No, I'm kidding.
Ben was funny.
Ben goes, it's just, I'm saying, well, this in the bottle is water.
Like, I just filled it up with water.
That's what we used to do to my grandmother, steal her booze and then put water in it.
God love her.
We miss her.
But you could do a lot sober.
This thing that's this huge part of your life, and I know a lot of people listen to the show probably with problems.
This huge part of your life actually becomes not a part of your life.
It's amazing.
It's truly amazing.
But you got to fight.
Just like Caitlin Jenner said.
You got to fight.
You got to fight the homeless.
You got to fight them.
You got to use every weapon at your disposal.
In the same way that Caitlin Jenner will use a direct energy weapon on homeless people.
You have to use every ember of your being to fight the need to pour yourself a drink because it doesn't fix your problems.
And it never will.
It'll just fix them for a short period of time, for a short period of time, but it will not turn things around.
To turn things around, you got to know who you are.
You have to know who you are.
The happiest people in the world aren't actually that happy.
Happy people that are overtly happy are actually, you know, I mean the annoying kind of happy.
They're actually not that happy.
They're on a drug and the drug is themselves.
And it's quite annoying and it's troubling if you're in their presence.
Oh my God, it's like, whoa.
The happiest people in the world are Caitlin Jenner.
Caitlin knows exactly who she is, and she always has.
It transcends gender.
It transcends class.
She's just Caitlin.
That's who she is.
That's who she'll always be.
Most at home, eating Mexican food, served by white people at a country club.
Most at home, sitting in the backyard of a mansion, occasionally thinking about the great things she's done.
That's where she is.
That's why she's the perfect person to lead the state of California because she knows who she is.
She doesn't lose sleep.
She doesn't go, what if the baby died?
She doesn't lose sleep over it.
She goes, I will use any force at my disposal.
Any force.
Any force at my disposal.
Doesn't matter what it is.
Doesn't matter what it is.
I've got friends at Raytheon.
The things they can do.
Sean.
Sean, the things they can do are amazing.
It's so funny to me because Sean, like you, you come from a generation like me where you had to get out there and shoot people with guns.
Remember Vietnam?
You'd have to shoot them with guns in their face.
Now, Sean, what you can do with energy, with vibrations, you can do things with vibrations that knock people down.
And you don't kill them.
You don't kill these people.
You terrify them.
You scare them.
And they fall down and some of them might have seizures, sure.
But what you do is you keep law and order, Sean.
And I'm very excited to really start using more of those methods.
And I think every time I see a police officer, every time I see it, I don't care who it is.
I don't care if it's Derek Chauvin.
I don't care who it is.
I just pull over my car.
I just give them the thumbs up.
I give them the thumbs up.
And occasionally I yell out the window, who are you killing today, boys?
Who are you shooting today, boys?
Because I'm behind our cops 100%.
That's a happy person.
She doesn't feel the need to lie to you or conform to what your idea of what she should be is.
She is quite happily an Olympian, a father, a mother, a murderer.
Supporting Cops Unconditionally00:00:14
And she will be the next governor of the state of California.
And she will be the next president of the United States.