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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Checkout Chaos and Confidence00:03:26
They're trying to get people out of this hotel, and it's like you know, they got to come with the jaws of life.
Get people out for what?
You know, checkout.
Checkouts at noon.
They're just banging on doors.
Yeah, people are waking up, crawling, like, yo, what?
Yo, what?
The staff has those needles that they like the parameters give to heroin, Alex.
Are we rolling yet?
Okay, I'm rolling.
Um, yeah, no, it's bad.
They, uh, you know, the people next door to us, like, they were just, I thought the cops were here.
Like, they were just banging on the door, and then finally, the door swings open, and a guy's like, he's like sleepy, and you could tell, you know, and they're like, you have to leave.
Like, they're, they're like, they're not even using the word checkout anymore.
They're like, you have to leave.
You have to go.
You can't live here.
This isn't your home.
This ain't Holiday Inn, motherfucker.
Yeah, I mean, where are you?
I'm in South Beach, man, in Miami.
The party here is intense.
And, you know, obviously it's Miami.
There's some very hot people.
There's some very good-looking people, but there are some real sloppy pigs.
I'm talking women in the high twos and well into the threes.
Hundreds, apparently.
Yeah, 300s wearing bikinis and like the sheer outfits that you can see everything.
I mean, it's we've gone a little far with the body positivity, I think.
I mean, some men like that.
Sure.
I mean, sure.
But I mean, we're just going all this way.
But I have a feeling these people aren't reading Teen Vogue magazine and getting their taking their cues from that.
That's a good point.
Maybe their confidence is innate.
You know, maybe it wasn't, they didn't need a blog to let them know that they were good enough.
And I have no problem with people rocking out, big people, but it's just there's to me there are things aesthetically that look good and things that don't.
It's like, you know, try to, you know, a little mystery is nice.
Right.
A little mystery.
Let the gentleman discover.
Yes.
Let the gentleman discover.
Let him go on a journey of discovery.
I mean, they got it all out.
I mean, literally, we're looking at fat pussies.
Wow.
Like literally fat fupas are hanging out in brightly colored pastel clothing.
It's still stuck on the beach in the streets.
It's not like that that I've seen, but it's not that far away from that.
Like I could see it gets there.
People are hanging out of windows of cars dancing.
These people understand life much better than people that are like in Brooklyn in a room debating like, you know, Karl Marx on like a, you know, and they pull a ratty blanket up over themselves to go to sleep.
These people are just tits out, puss out, coke in the nose, dancing out of the window of a car.
Cuban Food and Street Life00:06:14
If this is the end of America, as we have, you know, said that it is, why not go out with a literal bang?
Yeah, you want to like, you know, watch the end of the world while you're checking your mutual fund?
Right.
What is this?
Well, there's also this idea that like these people, like they don't really understand what's going on outside of this area.
Right.
Yeah.
They're fucking each other, not kids.
Right.
Right.
So they are like, hey, I can just enjoy what I got.
The food, I mean, the food's kind of dog food, you know?
The croquettas are good.
You have to go to the Cuban food.
Yeah, that's fine.
It's good.
You want a nice Cuban sandwich with a ham and Swiss milk?
I mean, come on.
It's fine.
It's good.
I don't want to go to war with people in the comments about Cuban food.
I don't know.
It's really fine.
I've had some great Cuban food, but, you know, some of it is, it's all deep fried.
And you know, we were eating it last night.
You know, a comic took us here last night.
You know, it's funny.
They were like, you know, the audience is very white.
Some of the other comics are like, your audience is pretty white.
I'm like, what?
I'm like, what am I supposed to do?
Like, there's diversity in the audience, by the way.
Get out of here, you white devil.
Yeah.
Right.
Like, there's Hispanics, there's blacks, but like, yeah, there's white people out there.
And, you know, the comic was like, yeah, they play a lot of white music this time in the club.
Like, they play like a journey for your fans.
They're white people.
And I'm like, yeah, man, I'm sorry.
It's called diversity.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
I'm sorry.
You know, I get it.
I'm sorry.
I don't do more bits in Spanish.
I don't know Spanish.
I only know the foods kind of.
You could have learned, you know, you used one of those three-hour sessions of eating crawfish to learn to learn to speak Espanol.
I should have.
But, I mean, if a guy like me starts speaking Spanish, I immediately look like a Republican congressman who's apologizing for something horrible.
Like, I don't look like I'm doing the language.
You know, I'm like, no, it's the kind of thing that like policia is no good.
No bueno, policia, no bueno.
Me, you know, so.
People assume you have to learn it to get a promotion of the DEA.
Yeah, I learned Spanish when we were infiltrating.
You haven't been down here to Miami.
No, I've been to New Orleans as close as I've been.
I've never been to Florida yet.
We got to get you to Florida.
I'd love to go to South Beach, just hang out with the honies.
There are a lot of big guys here that all wear white shirts and little hats.
I mean, this isn't.
I got to be honest with you.
There's a life for us here.
Sure.
There's a life for us here.
People assume that this guy might be about things because he's a big guy.
If you just wear a white 5X shirt from DXL with two black stripes on either side and a little hat and you smoke a cigar, people go, that guy's something.
Yeah.
That's a problem with certain fat people.
It can't become a thing.
But like these people down here, like the fat Cubans, they're a thing.
And one of the guys on the site was, he's like, the Cuban people, he goes, we are strong fat.
And he goes, we are fat, but we work.
So our stomachs are hard, even though they're fat.
I'm like, I'm like, wait a minute.
This is a very interesting way to, I get it, but the stomach is hardening.
I don't want to speak out of turn here.
We'll get into like, you know, differences of physiology.
Right.
But I know what you mean.
I mean, it's like, I used to say there was like some Moan guys.
There's a big Samoan dudes.
Like there's a, I mean, Orwell wrote about this in Burmese days, which I'm not sure if that's still if that's acceptable.
He didn't say anything that bad, I don't think.
I'll go ask the people in the hotel if we can use Burmese days for more wealth.
I'll go knock on the doors and ask everybody if it's our bag.
But he described the body of like, I guess they were, you know, Burma, which was what Myanmar now.
And if their fat was round and shapely, not like porridge, like an Englishman's.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Well, it's a hardening.
Yeah.
But I don't think.
There's nothing to that.
There is something to that.
Well, someone was explaining it to me last night.
I didn't understand it.
He goes, Cuban fat is hard.
Work fat.
Like it's fat that's become a muscle in a weird way.
I don't know.
I mean, obviously not, but that was what was being discussed with me last night, eating croquettas at two o'clock in the morning at a laundromat.
Yeah.
Where I was.
I was taking to a laundromat, which was good.
And we had croquettas and pastelitos.
We had never, you know, I don't think that's how you get work fat, though.
No, that is not.
2 a.m. croquettas.
Yeah.
That is not the journey of work fat.
You know, I just love the idea of a father looking at his son who's like a chubby kid and going, the goal here is hard fat.
Work fat.
You understand?
I love how like in the age of everything's acceptable, they're delineating fat types.
No, no, you're a worse kind of fat.
You're disgusting fat.
My stomach is hard because I work.
I eat and I work and I have hard fat.
The fat is like muscle.
I'm beautiful, not disgusting fat like you, son.
You will never be work fat.
Worked fat.
What a great name for my new autobiography.
Work fat.
It's nice being out of Austin, Texas, which we all know we have to pretend is the epicenter of the world.
Listen, it's a tax scam, which I'm glad to be a part of, but every time I say something nice about it, I feel like a guy talking about the beaches on the Cayman Islands, you know, like the water.
Have you had the food?
And the guy's like, who gives a shit?
You know, no, you got to understand it's crystal clear.
The water is crystal clear.
That's a good point.
Texas Barbecue and Work Fat00:03:39
Do you think the Caymans developed a decent culinary culture?
I'm sure it's fine, but I'm sure that it's not the reason people are going.
You got a nice little voice.
Yeah, well, they got to service people.
Yeah, when Jeffrey Epstein shows up to check in on you, you want to get him an ex-benedict.
You want to get him a Benny.
He doesn't want to eat McDonald's.
You don't want just Lane Maxwell eating Arby's.
She's got to eat a Benny.
You know, I mean, I get it.
And listen, I like Austin to a degree, but it's also a dump.
And everything about it is disappointing.
The people of the audiences are bad from the ones that I've encountered.
And the city is like five or seven blocks of like just disgusting bars and like people busking with guitars.
It's like some heroin addict playing Sweet Caroline.
I mean, it's horrible.
Well, from what you described to me, it sounds like Williamsburg, Brooklyn with the addition of country line dancing.
That's exactly what it is.
It's Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where all the, and it just smells like a roasting pig.
Like the mesquite trees make the entire thing smell like a pulled pork sandwich.
Like you can't get out of it.
There's no getting away from it.
Is barbecue?
Let me ask you this.
Because I enjoy barbecue.
I'm sure I've never had barbecue that good.
You know, the decent places around here are still crap, probably.
But that being said, is it the kind of food that you can eat all the time and stuff?
No.
But it's like anything else.
People get used to it.
I mean, people just get used to the idea of eating pounds of meat, coleslaw, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, baked beans, a quart of sweet tea or more.
That ruins it for me.
Yeah.
No, I've lambasted barbecue.
The thing about barbecue is, you know, the restaurants they serve it in, you know, and I talk about this on stage sometimes.
You'll pass a place and you'll go, is that a homeless shelter?
And they'll go, no, that's the highest rated restaurant in the state.
I mean, all of these barbecue restaurants do look like FEMA tents.
They look like, you know, the majority of them, the best ones, the ones you really want to go to look like it's where you would take someone to get like, you know, I don't know, a poor person would get like an abortion consultation, you know, not even where they'd perform the abortion, but where they'd have to sit you down and go like, here are the options.
And instead they give you, you know, meat and pickles.
I mean, it's just, it's a dumpy thing.
Eventually it's going to get to the point where they just throw you down on top of a trash can.
One guy fucks eating the ass and the other one's feeding you pulled pork.
That's coming.
Yeah.
That's on his way.
That's the new experience.
That's the new Franklin barbecue experience, which you'll pay $700 for and you'll wait in line for three weeks.
That's another thing.
You wait in lines.
People stand in lines.
And after the pandemic, forget it, the lines are coming back.
I mean, these lines snake around the block.
It's like you're waiting for a ride at Disney World, except the ride is brisket.
It just, to me, I don't know.
I want to go in.
I want to sit down.
I want to eat and I want to leave.
I don't want to eat off a garbage can lid.
But again, it's a cool experience to have a few times a year.
But as a cuisine that you could do anything with, it's just not.
I mean, you can't take like, look, I guess you could take investors out for barbecue and I'm sure these tech demons will.
I'm sure these monsters will, you know, like they'll be there eating ribs and talking about, you know, selling data of children's nurseries.
Get to know them when they're young, you know, pass the pork.
Yeah, sure.
Clubhouse Scams and Early Adopters00:08:18
Miami, I don't know anyone gets anything done.
I mean, it's not a city where you can function.
I mean, Peter Thiel moved down here.
I know that.
And he's been here a few years.
He's an early adapter to Miami as these monsters from Clubhouse.
He's an early adapter.
Oh, adopter.
Adopter, right.
Right.
An early adopter.
Is that because it's so hot and humid, you're saying?
Or is it just the party culture?
It's just the party culture.
It's hot.
It's humid.
It's beautiful.
But it's also like, what are you going to do?
It's a very stress-free environment.
Like, I can't see much getting done here.
I feel like it'd be nice early in the morning and late at night, but something about like that blaring sun in the middle of the day.
Everyone's just out partying.
LA's got the best climate.
The best climate is that desert climate where it's like 7580 during the day.
It's like hot.
You're in the pool.
And then at night, you got the hoodie on.
Nothing better.
Truly, no better climate in the country.
Everything else is humid.
I mean, it's just a phenomenal climate.
Now, obviously, that comes with a lot of problems, but if you want to talk about weather, you want to talk strictly weather.
Los Angeles has the best weather, I think, in the country.
I think I might move to one of these hotspots, though, and just how can I stockpile penis and link to sell later?
You're going to have to speak to someone on Clubhouse, the app that is rapidly degenerating and disintegrating into a real, like literally, every time I ask someone about Clubhouse, I'm like, but this guy has money, right?
They're like, that guy is in a youth hostel.
Like that person is literally homeless.
Like, and I can't believe I was taken by this.
Like, I'm fully admitting I was taken by Clubhouse.
Like, I'm fully admitting I was egg on my face.
I was completely bamboozled by this app.
I saw Mark Andreessen in one room and I went, this is where the power players are.
Every single person I have met from Clubhouse in the real world or have spoken to from Clubhouse is like a fraud on a level of epic proportions and not even a fun one.
Like not even a tin men, fun aluminum siding salesman.
Like just completely insane.
I mean, it's crazy.
Every time I've gotten a notification on my phone since I joined, like, oh, this person's joined Clubhouse.
You want to like help invite them?
It's always been people who've like literally went to jail for identity theft.
I used to know.
Like they just got out, I guess.
The worst people I've ever met and they're on my phone for some reason.
Yeah.
They're on Clubhouse.
Yeah.
Somebody's writing bad checks.
He's now like, hey, what's going on on Clubhouse?
Let me start a room.
It was a great idea during the pandemic.
And I remember I used to call Ray.
I'm like, this is going to be big.
And he's like, I don't know.
I was swept up in the mania of the idea that Clubhouse was just going to be, because I had 50,000.
I have like 50,000 followers.
So I thought like, and if we don't, if you don't know what we're talking about here, just Google it, you moron.
But I had 50,000 followers and I was like, oh, yeah, this has got to be big.
There's no way this won't be big.
Just because I got on it early, somewhat early, not that early, but I'm like, I'll be able to build here.
And the whole app was just really Eric Weinstein talking for 23 hours a day.
Well, you told me to buy this new, this new wild west of content.
And everyone's like, you can say whatever you want.
And he's room that you're in.
And then like, I'm in a room with Jake Paul and he gets all clammed up because I mentioned the Golden Triangle.
I don't think he was clammed up.
I think he had no idea what you were talking about.
He was like, how are you getting this guy out of here?
Which is fine.
I mean, I'm not expecting him to like it.
The Golden Triangle is something he participated in in LA and he's terrified about what's going to come out.
He had no idea who you're talking about.
I've heard Jake Paul.
Jake Paul was one of the most intellectual people on that app, though.
I mean, literally, when he explained NFTs to David Spade, Spade could not even figure out how to get on the app.
He didn't know where his phone was.
And like, so Jake Paul, I was explaining NFTs and how kids are like digitally native to David Spade.
And it was like a fascinating conversation.
Well, to be fair, I don't, none of us are negative to David Spade.
I feel like the younger mind has become more malleable to bullshit now.
Sure.
But he explained it with a silver tongue.
Like he did.
It was beautiful.
Why can't you get it, David?
We're fucking these people.
But you have, you know, Lakeith Stanfeld, who's a fan of our show.
I'm a fan of his.
What?
I'm a fan of it.
I didn't know who he was last time, but I realized, I'm like, oh, I love that guy.
Well, I'm glad you said that because he just moderated a clubhouse room where they were calling Jews Satanists and parasites and shermites.
So I'm glad.
See, sometimes you got away from me to fully articulate what I was about to say.
And then he put up on his Instagram, which is hilarious.
He goes, hey, man, thinking out of the box is always going to come with a cost.
Jesus.
He goes, it's always going to come with the cost, man.
So Lakeith, we feel bad for him.
He's a fan of the show, but he moderated because some of these clubhouse rooms get real wild.
And then people just put them on YouTube.
It's not like, by the way, what a way to lose your job.
Like it's Clubhouse is the perfect way to lose your job.
Oh, yeah.
It's worse than Twitter.
It's like...
Well, you can't even hide yourself.
You can't even hide it.
You can't even claim contacts because like it's literally a recording of you saying something.
Right.
And so they're moderating these clubhouse rooms.
It's just like nobody has going to win.
Was the name of the room like, you know, Satanist Jews or whatever?
I don't know.
Half the time these rooms are incriminating.
You're just scrolling through and you go like, Tom Margot's in this room.
Like, what?
It's always someone who's trying to get something going too, right?
You know, it's always someone who's like coming back from the half dead, trying to crawl into this space.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
It's like Keith Ulrich.
Yeah.
Rick Moranis sounds off on cancel culture.
You know?
Freedom of expression.
It's like, it's like Rick Moranis, you know, says PC culture.
Like he re-emerges from the, from raising his children to complain about PC culture.
But it was, it's weird.
And then journalists were just hanging out in the rooms to get people in trouble.
Taylor Lorenz from the Times famously, but there were others too.
And then there were just scammers, like life coaches and people that were selling.
This makes me laugh so hard.
And if you buy one of these courses on Clubhouse, I just think you deserve everything you get.
But people that were selling, I can't even get it out.
People were selling like investment advice and business strategy courses on Clubhouse.
They were selling like marketing courses on Clubhouse.
I mean, think Gary Vee, but like all the levels down, like when he just started, when he has nobody.
And people were getting really ripped off on Clubhouse.
They were like life coaches on Clubhouse.
This is a problem of like everyone wants to shit on college these days.
And they are awful institutions.
But when you're in the absence of like actual colleges, look what you get.
This is why you have to have a credit university.
Yeah.
No, you get a life coach on Clubhouse.
You know, I'm not going to mention her name, but there was a comic.
I swear to God, we were in Carolines.
And she said to me once, she goes, I'm also a life coach, which I found odd.
She was unsuccessful completely, but whatever.
Then she told me that her and her family were being evicted from their home.
And I was just wrestling with all these ideas in my head of like just the confidence that she has to then give other people advice.
Like, that's my whole thing.
I'm like, if you listen to this show, enjoy it.
Maybe some of it's interesting or whatever.
But I'm not giving you advice ever on anything.
I'm like, I'll tell you what I think you should do, but that doesn't mean you should do it ever.
Life Coaching and Self-Reflection00:15:13
Unless you're 21 and healthy.
In which case, I suggest you not get vaccinated.
At Tim J. Dillon on Twitter, if the media picked this up, this would be horrible.
I'm just trying to get attention.
Right.
Why is everyone still paying attention to him?
You got your vaccinated Pfizer, me too.
Yeah, I got my second shot.
You did too, right?
Yeah.
I was tired.
I was lethargic and tired.
I didn't get sick or anything.
I didn't get sick either.
I felt weird.
My stomach felt weird.
Okay.
So I would eat and then my stomach would feel weird.
I don't think I got that, but I ate a bunch of pizza, you know, just instinctively.
Yeah.
That's my body's defense mechanism.
Just to eat a whole pizza.
The person giving you the shot goes, now, listen, you might get a little sick, but here's a good way to hold it down.
Go eat some pizza.
You want to hold this down?
You want to hold the demon down?
Go eat some pizza right now.
I mean, when you think about the hilarity of Clubhouse now tanking and the people that run it, supposedly it has a $4 billion valuation.
What the fuck?
Yeah, look, I mean, in a country where like, you know, Doge and good for Doge, but I mean, like, all these things are happening.
Like when you go, oh, I actually have an app, you might as well be Microsoft now.
Right.
Yeah.
No, it functions.
Oh, good.
$4 billion.
You've actually not got in on cryptos.
You've ridiculed cryptos.
You've stood on the sidelines with the institutional investors in your Hamptons home.
You've stood there with a lot of the large banks.
This is something that has surprised many of us.
You, instead of embracing the crypto revolution, you didn't really embrace a lot of the Wall Street bet stuff.
You stood with your blue bloods in Newport, Rhode Island, in Greenwich, Connecticut, in the Hamptons.
And I'm asking you a question now.
You constantly are just defending the old guard.
You lost your legacy, and I get it.
But can you speak on this?
Can you speak on your resistance?
Let's get something clear.
I lost blood in Wall Street's bets.
How much did you lose?
$250 about?
$250?
Yeah, I got out.
I got in, I got out.
Because, you know, it's like, it's like, you guys, I have hope.
I'm the rare cynic who can have hope.
I watch a Marvel movie and I cry.
Yeah.
And I lose some money on Wall Street.
Yeah, because you're crying because you're being tased.
You're watching it through the window of someone else's home and then security approaches.
Well, I don't have cable.
So look, everything looks great now.
And I look like a big idiot.
And look, I don't personally care because I'm not the guy, regardless of whether I think it's good or not.
Like, I don't think it was a scam.
Did you see the Bill Maher piece on it?
I did see it.
His reasoning was a little just old man yelling at the sun kind of thing.
Yes.
But it wasn't totally.
He wasn't totally wrong.
He's like, Ethereum has more market cap than Disney and it has no pro, you know what I mean?
It's like, but it's just a conduit of information.
He's such a hateable person.
Every time I talk about this, I am every comment section of me and every, I'm the big fat moron who doesn't understand.
I'm making 10-year-old arguments.
Let's get something clear.
The arguments were never addressed because they can't be addressed.
This is not...
Well, you know, I'll address them right now.
Make one of your arguments against crypto.
I'm going to address it right now in my who I am now with my Ray-Bans and my Miami hat.
Okay, make an argument and I'll address it.
Here's one.
Here's a new one.
Yeah, maybe other people have it.
So we have like at least four cryptos that are really like capped up, right?
Five, a ton, a bunch.
Are they all going to be currency?
How about you go fuck your mother?
Are they all going to be asked me?
Is it a good idea to let people that are buying houses defer interest?
It's a good idea to allow people who are buying houses to defer interest.
Go fuck your mother.
See, that's the response that stops people like you in your tracks because you come.
We're having a party.
This is the thing about a party.
People are trying to ruin a party.
This is a party.
During a high school party, when you're fingering your friends, and if you're like me, you're hugging your friends because they won't fuck you.
Whatever.
If you're in the middle of a high school party and people are drunk and everybody, it's senior year, nobody comes up to you and goes, do you think we'll all be as close when we're in college?
And that's what you're doing.
You're coming up to people at a party and going, what's tomorrow at 3 p.m. going to be like?
And you're like, dude, I don't know, but it's fucking 1 a.m. now and it's lit.
So my argument is that shit is lit.
No, they're not all going to be currencies.
Bitcoin is a reserve currency.
And all of the other currencies are going to be little fun things that people can enjoy and possess and find whatever value they find in them.
Okay, but that's inherently an argument against them.
No.
I mean, no.
Oh, it's a troll doll.
Cool.
It's a digital troll doll.
What is first?
It's an opportunity for people to believe again.
It's a beanie.
We need a Bitcoin movie where they give a Field of Dreams speech.
Someone needs to get up and go, like, you know the town, you know, the scene in Tommy Boy where they're talking to the workers that have all been and they're like, and this town, this factory, I remember, we need a speech where a guy's like, this is giving people a chance to believe again.
People that were rioting not two months ago, people that were smashing the windows of the Capitol.
This is, they were marching in Charlottesville.
This is giving them a new thing to talk about.
It's better than that.
Isn't it better than wearing Viking horns?
Yes or yes.
I'm not saying Bitcoin's all alt-right people.
Stop it.
Because I know that's the fucking New York Times angle that all these crypto shits are.
But it is anti-establishment people.
And it should be.
Yeah, anti-establishment people who are actually doing quite well in the system to begin with a lot of the time.
Dave Portnoy is a struggling farmer.
And so is Elon Musk.
So stop this argument that this is incredibly wealthy people duping people that spend all day looking at their computer.
These are good men who are struggling.
Look, I mean, I hear you.
I don't know that the American psyche or it needs most right now is hope.
I think, you know, I think hope is kind of the antecedent or whatever to self-reflection.
I think we need a little more self-reflection, a little less hope.
But that being said, I'm all for Doge.
I'm Doge.
We need a little party.
We need a party and we're having a party.
And I think.
We haven't worked hard.
Wait, where is this hard work that we're paying off?
We're like celebrating.
Parties never are the result of hard work.
That's a good point.
Good parties.
Hard workers don't party.
Good parties are actually better when the people there haven't worked at all.
The work is the party.
Do you understand?
They're putting all the work into the party.
Partying is a job for people.
You know, we go out with this guy last night after the show where Eaton Kirkatus is at 2 a.m.
He goes, he goes, tomorrow night, you want to go out?
You want to get into something?
What circles you guys want to get into?
I'm like, this guy's married.
I'm sober.
I'm exhausted.
I just did two shows.
There is no party.
I'm 36.
What am I going to do?
I don't want to stand in a room full of people and hear their shit anymore.
I'm done.
I'm just done.
I was 23.
I went to parties.
Were they sad?
Sure.
Were they Christmas parties at mortgage companies?
Yes.
Was I drinking with people twice my age?
Yes.
Was I getting laid?
No.
Was I fucking, you know, living the life of a 45-year-old divorced man when I was 22?
Sure.
But whatever I was supposed to be doing, it didn't happen.
I went to the city and danced a few times at clubs.
I get it.
But I'm 36.
Enough's enough already.
We got to move the fuck on.
What I'd like now is a little cryptocurrency and just some quiet.
Yeah, I tried to see city dancing but I ended up on the side of the building puking in my while.
I was sitting like, like sitting down like, and then like puking into my lap.
When was that?
Huh, when was that year?
Decades ago, it was when I was like 22 or whatever, and you went to the city and you were dancing and then you, just you ended up outside puking I party too hard.
That's what happens.
Yeah, that's what I want.
All I want all.
Right now, I can't, I can't pace myself.
Yeah, but the guy doesn't understand.
He's like, you guys want to go out, do you guys party?
I'm like dude, I can't party, i'm tired.
I've done two hours of comedy.
I could record a podcast.
Uh, it's tiring for me.
I don't.
Is there's something wrong with people in their like mid 30s heading, heading north, to their late 30s, who are like, using the word party?
Well, I always assumed as a little younger but like, by the time I was like 25, I realized oh, party means cocaine, right?
I mean literally, like they're not, it's like it's just the dancing is an excuse because you need something to do while you're on coke, right?
So it's like well, that actually likes it.
You can buy Dogecoin.
Yeah well, that's the real sad thing is people just, you know, cut up blinds of uh Oxy and then just clicking the buy button on fucking NFTS and DOGE and like it's, it's, uh, you're not getting like, at least, at least if you buy a like a crazy car you can't afford you get that car.
Make it wait a few times.
You gotta fucking you get to drive around before you crash into a kid.
Right uh, there's some fun, but like there's nothing tangible.
I mean, i'm not even saying that like look, let's assume you make a ton of money later on.
Remember that if you live for, if you live to get there, there's nothing fun in the interim right, remember when that guy hit John Gotti's kid like it was a mistake and then he disappeared and apparently John didn't want him you know anything to happen to him.
But the guys underneath them were like well, we can't, you know.
So the guy does.
It's funny now, like the state of the mob.
Now, if you hit the kid with a car, they'd be like good, one must mouth defeat.
Yeah, they wouldn't care at all.
It's just interesting, like that whole.
That's why, like that New York, like when everyone's like New York.
Yeah, i'm like that is you're talking about like 30 years ago, like you're more more like there.
The 70s was the last time they really had like yeah, a solid grip, because by the 80s, the I gotta just and everyone must have known, oh, this is going down.
Yeah, he's just flashing.
Everything the new mafia is is bitcoin.
That's the new mafia, that's the new criminal enterprise.
I'm doing the bitcoin convention down here in Miami and it makes so much sense that it's here in Miami right uh, june 4th through the 6th.
We don't know what we're doing yet.
Uh the, what is it?
The third through the sixth?
Ben third through the fifth.
Third through the fifth.
The third is what?
Ben whale night?
Well yeah, whale night, and what is that?
So these are the hoddles, the people who just hold no matter what and they have massive quantities of bitcoin.
They come in on the third for uh whale night.
They're like they know you're being called whales.
Yes, they're bitcoin whales problem.
When you're a whale, you're like the whole point of a whale is to get taken.
When did this get like blurred?
Not at a, And so they want to come in now.
Well, Elon Musk is hosting SNL.
So let's stop with any idea that there's any type of, you know, like, you know, decency left amongst evil tyrants.
There used to be some level.
Wednesdays for the whales, Thursdays for the rape victims.
Yeah.
Thursdays for the rape.
Sunday is sexual assault night.
What do you think about Elon hosting SNL?
How bad will it be?
Or will it be great?
I don't think it'll be great.
Yeah, because like, you know, look, it's not Wednesday's ever funny.
Sorry.
That's not the issue.
It's just more like...
Here's what I think would be great.
A cast breakdown.
Like they're doing a sketch and AD Bryant turns around him and starts crying and goes, you have more money than God and people are starving.
If they had the balls to ever do that, they wouldn't be on SNL.
I know, but just think about it for a minute.
Like Bowen Yang and Adie Bryant start crying and going, it's not okay.
What's happening?
People are suffering.
Like I want people standing up in the SNL studio, like audience members standing up screaming, people are sick.
They're dying.
People are suffering.
And I hope it's during a sketch where Elon Musk has like a dumb little hat and he's in a costume and people are screaming and people like, I lost my fucking job.
I live on the street.
And then Elon Musk is like, he's got to go along with it.
He's got to go along with this sketch, but then it's harder and harder to do.
And he starts looking out in the audience and he's got this little like jester hat on or something.
I feel like he would handle that much better than like if it didn't because he have some he is good at like having the pithy response of like, well, just get into Doge.
That'll really help you out.
Well, yeah, but I just want it to go off the rails.
I'm just saying, but if it doesn't go off, he'd do better because like otherwise you're watching this guy who's confident and he's a shark salesman.
What do they call it?
Shark Finn salesman?
What's he called there?
Snake oil.
Shark fins.
He's a sock fin salesman.
He sells sock fins to make soup in China.
Isn't that the fucking thing?
Listen, man.
But, you know, there's just mechanics to being funny that he doesn't have any of.
He's not a funny guy.
And so it'll just be another lame episode.
Brian's not going to flip out.
Unless there's an insurrection.
And then unless there's an insurrection during the live taping where people start begging him to give his money to the poor, which I, you're telling me that's not more entertaining.
That would be.
Yes.
I'm just hoping for that.
So millionaires are going to be asking a billionaire to give more money to the poor?
That's the fun of it.
Yes.
Yeah.
Look, the inherent hypocrisy is not unheard of.
Perfect.
I just want a little lamb's blood on the door, as they would say.
No violence.
No violence.
Just awkwardness.
That would be fun.
It would be very fun.
Man TV would have done that.
It would have been great.
Yeah.
Well, the cast members of Mad TV would have literally been homeless.
It would have been like, I'm asking you for help.
Billionaire Hypocrisy and PR Campaigns00:09:26
I mean, I wonder what it's like.
You know, there's going to be all these stories, I guess, that come out after the fact about like, you know, what was it really like backstage with Elon?
But it's like, listen, Lauren's worth half a billion and he's a legend, deserves his money, whatever.
But like the idea that like what?
I guess.
I mean, he's got, you know, what'd you say?
Everyone deserves their money unless they stole it.
So I'm like, agreed.
I mean, he doesn't deserve it the last few seasons, but he's deserved.
Sure, that's what I mean.
He's curated comedy.
The most powerful force in American comedy probably ever in terms of what he's curated.
That's why it sucks so much, but sure.
That being said, he didn't think we raised it.
The guy's not poor.
No, he's doing quite well.
So like the idea that like Elon Musk, it comes in and they're all like, I it.
So where do you draw the line?
It's like 500 million.
Is that okay?
But this guy does have 100 billion.
So I get what you're saying, but you know, some people would make that argument about people worth 500 million.
I look, I mean, we all acknowledge that money is fake, right?
Which is all Bitcoin thing.
Like, we get it.
It's fiat money.
A lot of it's created like by bullshit.
And people are acting like Elon Musk.
His value went up and therefore like he took that, like he took turnips off your children's plate away from them.
Like they're like they would have had a sack of flour if the price of Tesla didn't go up.
Right.
Like it's just disconnected.
Like it's all like, I don't like him.
I think it's a big scam.
I know, you know, they're good cars, I'm told.
It's fine.
But like, you know, I don't know who, I don't think he even invented the cars.
He didn't brand himself as like he's branded himself as kind of like the adolescent billionaire in a way.
Like he's this impulsive social media driven personality that like is talking about going to Mars all the time and like, you know, has the hot performer wife who's who tattooed alien things on her back and they name their kid after a math equation or whatever.
Like he's, he's, you know, whereas Bill Gates has branded himself as like, I am your father and I will help you.
And I'm a public health guru and me and my wife.
Talk about hope building.
Talk about the lack of hope of watching billion, be like, oh, you can be a billionaire and then you're going to be Warren Buffett or Bill Gates.
Right.
It's like, what's the point of any of this?
At least Elon Musk, it gets like the lottery.
It gives you an illusion of like, oh, like you can just, if you make a billion dollars, you can fuck a tree if you want.
Yeah, that's point.
Yeah, right, right.
At least it gives you some, it gives you some hope, the idea that it means something.
Well, Bill Gates' argument is like, hey, man, I made all this money and now I really want control over all life on the planet.
So that will motivate a certain group of people.
Bill Gates, supposedly there's stuff coming out now where Melinda Gates warned Bill about Epsom.
He's like, I don't want you anywhere near him.
And Bill's like, I think he's a good guy.
Like they literally met him once and Melinda's like, hey, I think there's some problems here.
And Bill's like, you're always doing this with my new friends.
You know, she's like, Bill, he's got an island.
There's all these young women around.
He's like, you're always doing this with my friends.
You know, I love you, but I also need other people to hang out with.
We just can't have a guy's night.
It's a boy's night.
So we can't have man club, men's night.
I mean, it's a weird marriage because apparently like one of the deal breakers was like, look, we can be married.
I'm not going to cheat on you, wink, wink, but I'm going to take one vacation a year with my ex-girlfriend where we go to a beach house and ride dude and buggies and like talk and talk on the beach.
And she was like, that's cool.
That's, yeah, well, I would too.
That kind of money would go short.
No, but it's just, it's just a bizarre.
Like, why can't you just go to Vegas and tell your wife you're at a meeting?
Why do you have to like, it's a weird level of like, I'm going to let you know your face on the business.
Really, this is what I go back to.
Nobody sees any value anymore in lying.
Right.
This is this obsession with truth is destroying our society.
Lying is for people you care about.
So this thing of like full disclosure all the time, and I want to be honest, I'm going to let it hang out.
This is who I am, is really destructive.
Truly.
Being who you are, admitting the things you think about, getting on a level of honesty and sharing all your thoughts, feelings, fears, and insecurities with the world is terribly destructive and it will eventually lead to your destruction.
I mean, it's a horrible idea.
You should have secrets.
You should have secrets, not huge ones, not Epstein level secrets, but you should have secrets and you should choose your friends and lovers based on the people you're willing to share certain secrets with.
But you don't want to share everything because then you're not a mystery anymore.
Nobody likes someone who's not a mystery.
You want somebody to be a little bit of a mystery.
If you're not taking something to the grave, you've lived your life wrong.
That's what I mean.
All of these billionaires are so upsetting now because you're constantly vomiting every thought on Twitter.
You know, there's no mystery to them.
We know everything about them.
We know everything about celebrity.
Celebrity has been destroyed in this country because it's been commodified in this weird way through social media that we're seeing the omelets they eat and the vacations they take.
There's no value to the mystery of like, I wonder what that person's really like.
Can you imagine how all the like the Nazis went to Argentina after the war?
Yeah.
Can you imagine how quickly they would have gotten caught nowadays?
Right.
They would just be ticked.
Yeah, they'd be tick tocking.
They'd be tick tocking German songs in Argentina.
Right.
But the problem is the lack of mystery.
And I've talked about this and it's with people that are successful in business, athletes, entertainers.
People don't want to know you that well.
It's why I don't do a podcast every day.
It's why I don't do an Instagram story all the time.
I love Whitney Cummings.
You know what I mean?
I do.
And I'm legally obligated to say that because I've signed a contract.
But I know I do love Whitney.
But the reality is Whitney does Instagram stories all day, every day.
Now, yes, they'll be used in a documentary several years from now, charting her course into madness.
And they will be used.
And they'll be used as evidence in court when she finally blows the brains off of that veterinarian she's dating.
But the point is, I'm saying she's too exposed.
You're too accessible.
People want less.
She always tells me they want more.
And I'm like, they think they want more.
Like people tell me, I want you to podcast every day.
I'm like, you think you want that?
You don't.
You don't know what you want.
The artist has to be above the patron of the arts, whatever we're calling, the victim or the audience.
Yeah, I love that we're saying this.
I'm in a Miami hat and shades, smoking cigarettes in a hotel bathroom.
Ray, can you, Ben?
Can you bring me a cigarette out now and we'll see what happens when I smoke it in the room?
What is it?
It's only $250, Ray.
Yo, I was renting a car the other day, Ray.
They go, it's $200 if you smoke in the car.
I swear to God, I'm like, charge that now.
I'm like, you might want to just charge it now because it's, I mean, I'm going to light a cigarette up as I drive out of the rental place.
You're going to see me smoking in the car.
So get an ashtray or something, Ben.
Jesus Christ, these people.
And I, thank you.
Yeah, sure.
I'll use a bottle of water.
That's awful.
I want to quit, but I also thought, should I just bring an ashtray wherever I go?
Get a little soap dish, Ben, for the cigarette.
Jesus Christ.
That's what I'm thinking.
Thank you.
Get me a soap dish.
Look at this.
They know people are smoking.
This is for whatever it is, but have you quit yet?
No, I haven't quit yet.
It just tastes too goddamn good.
I just enjoy it.
Ben, did you hear what he said?
Repeat what you just said.
I said, have you quit yet?
It just tastes too goddamn good.
It's really hard.
Yeah.
I don't want to live till I'm 70.
What's the point?
To entertain these ungrateful pigs.
You know, if you say we have to stop doing heroin, it's like.
No one in my family stop.
My cousin is still on it.
My other cousin.
And my friend Ryan, who just venued me asked for $10 for Lauderdale, he's still on it.
So I don't think anyone quits heroin.
Some people do.
I didn't know.
Some do.
Didn't Jimmy Jimi Hendrix stop or something?
Maybe.
Yeah.
That sounds like a PR campaign.
We'll never get to the bottom of that.
No, whatever.
But at least like your heroin, at least like, you know, you go, well, I can't, you know, if I do another shot of heroin, I might, you know, strangle a baby or whatever, you know, fall asleep on my baby.
There's things you do on heroin that aren't good.
With smoking a cigarette, it's like, yeah, I might die.
You know, what?
So I can't live to see fucking, you know, Jake Paul become president.
Fighting, fighting the guy that's going to be a little bit more than that.
The horrors we're all going to witness are unimaginable.
They're unimaginable.
The horrors are just the climate horrors that are going to, like, you won't be able to leave your house at a certain period.
Like, it's so hot wherever you go now that you go, how much hotter can it get?
And I'm not even a fucking global warming freak, but like, how much hotter can this shit get?
I think a lot hotter.
I mean, it's what, you know, Bronosaurus is like the heat.
And that's what, you know, the world used to be like.
Yeah, I mean, it'll be a buck 20 in the shade all around the world.
Chris Hedges and Global Warming00:10:29
Yeah, that's going to be a prop.
But Dubai is preparing.
They're doing everything that you would do outside, like the head people.
They're doing it inside now in a climate-controlled environment.
They have indoor ski resorts.
Yeah, but like, that's not like a sustainable thing.
It's like we're going to use more fossil fuels to, you know, further decline.
Yes.
It's a diminishing return kind of thing.
No, that's why Musk and all these guys are like, we got to terraform and go to Mars.
But that seems like a fool's errand, too.
Do you think the rich ever get off this planet?
It feels like...
Yeah.
No, no.
Look, you realize they're trying to like, Musk has been doing this for years and he's nowhere near where the Apollo missions were.
What the fuck are we doing?
Like, like we, we, we, if we hadn't let up after Apollo and like actually, you know, I know we built a space shuttle, but like we didn't do much.
You know, maybe, but by the time it's going to be decades before we get to Mars.
Like, you know, like even more.
Am I going to terraform it?
I mean, you probably need 100 years or 200 years to do that at least.
Yeah.
There's no time for it.
It's just a fun pet project.
You know, it's like, you know, by the time, within 20 years, I do think people will start rioting.
Like, they're not going to allow Musk to like, you know, control martial resources like this.
And so like, I mean, look, maybe they just start shooting crowds.
You know, if the crowds don't show up.
Hold on.
Wait, what?
I'm just saying, like, we've always said this.
Like, you know, the idea is that they're going to be.
They're going to get a deep state, whatever it is.
And like, for now, they're content to like just play behind the scenes.
But if we did rise up, well, they'll start shooting into a crowd and disperse you.
I'm just saying, like, we're in the phase one, but we're acting like, oh, if we go to phase two, they're going to stay in phase one.
Like, no, they'll not keep pace of us.
Yeah, it is funny to see, like, what'll be the next level of response from them.
Right.
I always remember Chris Hedges being like, he goes, the state can dole out an unimaginable level of violence.
It's terrifying, but it's true.
No, I mean, look, look, these, the boys, that guy, it's just the same article.
He's not wrong, but it's the same article every week for the last 25 years.
It's all like Lord of the Rings fucking fan fiction.
It's just with names inserted, like, you know, Pelosi, Pelosi's on the face of Mount Doom.
Like, shut up.
Shut the fuck up.
It's the old brimstone preacher.
Hey, why don't you invest in Doge?
But, you know, my best character ever is high beast Chris Hedges, sneakerhead Chris Hedges, where he believes everything he believes, but he has a collection of 2,000 pairs of sneakers.
And he goes, my one shame is that I can't stop buying sneakers.
He shows up to all of these lectures in churches where he's like, we are in the beginning of the fifth grade extinction.
But you look at his feet and he's got like just new sneakers, like really colorful, like high-piece sneakers on.
And he just did every lecture he gives, he just shows up in these sneakers.
And then people start to notice it and they're like, hey, man, what are these sneakers?
He goes, it's my one weakness.
It's my one failing.
Why Chris Hedgen thinks that currency will fail?
And also, he never wears the same pair of shoes plates.
It would be hilarious.
We found out he had like a compound in Miami.
Just like a $10 million compound.
Like the chick from Black Lives Matter, she bought $4 million houses.
I just think it'd be hilarious if Chris Hedges owned like a $20 million Scarface estate in Miami.
He hangs out with hookers who are doing crocodiles.
He's like the worst.
It'd be great.
Have a little fun.
Have a little fun, Chris.
We know it's the end.
You're not wrong, but have a little fun.
Get in the Doge.
I will have an article next week where Chris Hedges goes, I'm wrong.
Dogecoin is the future.
And it's just a really well-written intellectual case for cryptocurrency.
I mean, if you think about it for a second, I'm like, he's a good guy, I guess.
But like, when you write the same article all the time, you're just you're a slut for attention, right?
Well, can you imagine being that's not, whatever that is, it's not his job.
He teaches people in prisons things.
He tears.
Well, that's not your job.
My point is, like.
She might just sit and you're like, I want to get out of prison and finally get a job, see my kids.
Chris Hedges shows up and he's like, we are in the middle of the fifth grade extinction.
All life on earth is going to be going away.
And you just have this talk.
I'm going to call the resume, though.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A guy's like, I'm really learning how to put together like a resume and try to market myself.
And Chris is like, the corporate oligarchs have pillaged all resources on earth.
And then the warden comes up.
He goes, hey, can you pep it up a little bit next time?
Like, can you inject a little levity into this?
You know, these guys, we just don't want them to go out and reoffend.
It would just be funny if they told Chris, they're like, listen, we really want to have you here at the prison, but the last time you left, they all just started raping each other and beating the shit out of each other because they said nothing matters.
And there was a riot.
Welcome to the fifth grade extinction, motherfucker.
What if he became like a David Icke showman?
We're like, he walked out on an arena and he's like, and he did exactly that.
He's like, welcome to the fifth grade extinction, motherfuckers.
And I was like, he's like, he's like, the corporate oligarchs have pillaged this fucking planet.
Poor David Icke, he's like the one guy.
He got displaced by QAnon.
Like all these crazy, can you imagine David Icke having to explain to somebody QAnon why they're wrong?
Well, it's not like that at all, actually.
You've jumped the shock.
I remember when I first got into this in 08, like, you know, really got into your conspiracy stuff.
He was the guy like, oh, this is the crazy one.
Like, at that point, like Alex still made sense to a certain extent.
You can tell he's, you know, whatever.
But, you know, there's logic.
There's like all this stuff in 9-11 conspiracy.
And this guy's just talking about reptile.
This guy's just out there.
And now he's the least crazy.
It's completely inverted.
Right.
David Icke.
David Icke's like the sane one who makes sense.
But it's just so funny to me that like David Icke just, I mean, he's got to go on a retirement run, like Cher, you know, like he's got, he's got to just name it.
It's like, I'm retiring, but we're just going to do one more.
Like the funniest thing ever was that episode where like he shows up.
He's in like this big arena in the UK.
He's like, oh, you should play soccer here.
I remember.
And the audience is like, get to the lists.
Like he's, he's waxing poetic about his days as like a football player.
They're like, what are you doing, David?
I was a striker.
He realized everyone just wants to be famous.
Yeah.
But like, you know, it's like, it's this guy, he's all grandiose, but it's like, well, why do you keep writing articles?
The same article.
It's because you want to get shared on Switter.
Like, you're the same little, dirty little animal we all are.
You're a dirty little animal.
Maybe the, maybe the, uh, maybe the episode title here.
I just think he should move to Miami.
I know it's all over when Chris Hedges moves to Miami.
Just moves to my.
Wouldn't it be funny if Barsool Sports hired Chris Hedges?
That'd be amazing.
And they end up singing him.
Maybe they end up making a clown picture shirt with him.
Call your daddy's new co-host, Chris Hedges.
He's not wrong.
Like when you read these things, you don't look at the article and go, yeah, this guy's wrong.
It's just funny that over and over again, it's just like, we get it.
It's like.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, Kato wasn't wrong either, I think.
I don't know.
There was guys in Rome.
Yeah, sure.
Sure, you met Kato Kalen, the guy who lived in the guest house of OJs.
I'm like, this is an interesting reference.
Kato Kalen wasn't wrong.
Or is it Cicero I'm thinking of?
There's guys in Rome who were like, you know, this is going to end bad.
Was that five or ten, Ben?
So then why did you put up both hands?
I didn't know if you could see on the side.
What a horrible producer.
He's a horrible producer.
He's holding out his hands like Jesus.
On the cross.
There's not a day I don't regret meeting him and what he's done to my show and my career.
He's just destroyed it.
Completely destroyed it.
Yeah, we met this kid from Clubhouse who's like 19 and he says he's a venture capitalist.
He's like driving his father's car.
I mean, it's like the whole thing here is.
I don't understand how they like that.
My whole thing when it's sort of always people in Clubhouse for like angel investors and VCs is like, where did you get all this money from?
You can't be a 19-year-old venture capital.
Like, it doesn't make any sense.
They don't have any money.
No, there is no money.
There is no money.
You can't be a, look, if there might be some logic that like, well, I'm a guy who goes, gets the money from the people with the money and like gives it to you.
Like, that's not a cap.
That's some kind of weird in-between scam.
You're a bag man.
Yeah.
It's just bag men.
Clubhouse is just a bunch of bag men.
They're the best.
He's a good kid and maybe he'll succeed one day.
He's not a good kid.
He's a scumbag who's on Clubhouse telling people he's an investor.
Stop mitigating.
These people are dirt.
There's a possibility.
Don't go Hollywood on me, Tim.
There's a possibility.
Well, he keeps telling everyone he's not gay, which gives me maybe some hope.
Why does he even tell people that?
Well, that's why I'm a little hopeful.
But he's too doughy.
He's too doughy for me.
He looks like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Oh, because you're hanging out with him, I mean.
Yeah, he's just a good-looking young man.
No, he's not.
Okay.
It seems like in this day and age, there's a cuteness to him, but he's too pudgy.
You know what it is?
Have you ever seen someone who you know on the inside of them is fat?
Yeah.
And you go, I'm looking in the mirror.
You go, no, but like, you go, you're squishy.
You're squishy and you're going to be a big fat pincushion.
But you have a short period of time before you're not.
And that's a period of time.
It might be nice to have sex with you.
But then you're going to be a just, you're just going to be a doughy Jew boy.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
But, hey, ma'am, it is what it is.
I just imagine as we're taping this, you just hear like them like using a battering ram to get people out of the hotel.
Thick Bitch Podcast Origins00:06:21
Like, get the fuck out.
I scream at them sometimes.
Like, it'll be like 1.30.
You have to check out.
I'm like, I'm going.
It's a nice place, though, right?
Hand me my phone.
Let's see.
No.
I mean, we're in a, whatever, like the place where they have room service yet?
Yeah, we're in a better place.
Oh, so it's funny.
My friend, when I said address, and I sent him two question marks, he never got back to me.
So he's a drunk.
He's drugging.
My friend's out there drugging.
God love him.
God love him.
You think he moved to Miami for the industry?
No, he was in rehab down here, and now he's doing well.
Well, yeah, look, you should go to rehab in Wisconsin.
What are you doing in Miami?
Yeah, I mean, here's the reality, man.
At the end of the day, people got to go to where they feel they're going to be.
They're going to do best.
And my friend is, he's had some struggles with drug addiction and other things.
Like, you know, he's just, he's got problems.
And he's in Fort Lauderdale right now trying to figure it out.
Good for him.
Good for him.
Well, he's in rehab now.
I don't know.
I think he's out doing drugs now.
Oh, okay.
Well, look at that.
I was watching you and Joe Rogan having a cocktail.
I'm like, that's not the way it should be happening.
You should be sober.
Look, I wish him the best on his journey, and I hope he has a long winding.
You move to Austin.
Why don't you move to it's the greatest thing it's ever been?
Well, I was about to move to LA, and you just fucking, you're like a turnip.
You just left.
He's fucking Austin is, listen, my house that I'm buying just got appraised for $100,000 less than I'm buying it for because I signed the appraisal waiver.
I still have to do the deal.
So come on in.
We're all underwater.
Come on in.
We're getting underwater again.
No, I think the appraisal is fucked.
And I think that the sales are not being recorded.
Like the appraisal is not reflecting the market.
The market is insanely hot.
It's the hottest real estate market in America.
The problem with these appraisals is that they don't necessarily like all these sales that haven't been recorded yet aren't used as comps.
And there's probably a two-month, three-month lag.
And, or I'm getting fucked again.
It's either one.
Either one.
But I'm going in with a down payment and it's a nice house and whatever.
I'm happy about it.
I love the whole rationale you've built out already.
Like, look, you understand it's a lag in the market.
Yeah, well, right.
No, I'm fully aware it's a narrative that I'm building in my own head.
I'm just hoping it's true.
I'm hoping that New York and LA are taxing people out.
So they're all coming to Florida and Texas and Austin's hot and the tech people go.
So I'm hoping that the house and these things hold their value and increase in value.
That's the hope when you buy a house.
The first house I bought was an unmitigated disaster, but it was really good for the stories I tell on the show.
And perhaps this will be as well.
I just hope that it's, you know, I hope that I, here's what I hope, because I pitch shows about the last house I was in.
I don't want to pitch any shows about this house.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't want any horror that I feel could be cinematic coming out of this experience.
We should, you should, you know what you should do?
You should buy your old house at some point.
For what?
Why?
I don't know.
It'd be fun for the show.
To live in fun.
I don't know.
Just to own it.
And then like, you know, whatever.
It's a good gimmick.
It's a fun gimmick.
Damn Dylan buys his old house.
Yeah, that's good.
Jake Paul is snatching Floyd Mayweather's hat.
And the way I compete with that is buying the house that I foreclosed on.
I got my house back.
People are like, who gives a shit?
Fat fuck.
Get out of here.
Who cares?
I got my house back.
No one cares.
No one cares.
Yeah, go die in it.
Where can people find you?
At Chris Natchez.
At Twitter and Instagram at Ray Cump.
I have a podcast called Cump Podcast.
Cump.
I comes to it every week.
We have a Patreon.
Follow the link will be in the description.
You can get extra episodes.
Tell me who the Patreon is, too.
It's sane here.
The Cump Podcast Patreon.
Perfect.
Yeah.
So, you know, donate to that.
You get extra episodes of the show.
And you do it with a great show.
Lucy Steiner.
Lucy Steiner is my co-host.
She's phenomenal.
It's hilarious.
We have great.
Same Brooklyn communist.
Lucy Steiner.
Kidding.
No, no, no, totally wrong.
But we have lively debate.
It's fun.
Listen, I love a communist.
I can buy dinner.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Ray Cump's show is hilarious.
Support it on YouTube.
Support it on Patreon.
Ray, we're going to try to get you down.
Can you come down June for a week or two and do stuff?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
We'll be back in the studio this Friday recording next week's episode for all you people who are like, but then you also want to see me live.
And this is the thing with these people.
It's all the demands all the time.
We want to see you live, but also you should be in the studio, but you're too fat, but you're not as fat as we want you to be, but you're using a camera angle on yourself that makes you look less fat.
That's all the Instagram comments.
But why don't we start like a fucking line of clothes called Thick Bitch?
T-H-I-C-B-I-T.
I'm not even kidding.
Like, dude, if you started something called Thick Bitch, like Ben should Google it and find out if they have it already.
I think Brendan has something like that.
Thick boy.
Thick boys.
Who cares?
We'll do thick bitch.
What about thick bitch?
What about T-H-I-X?
Like, Thick's bitch.
I mean, no, that's crazy.
Thicks bitch.
But like, thick bitch.
Yeah.
But Brendan has thick boy.
Yeah.
What about...
Thick bitch.
No, we'd be the first thick bitch.
We'd be the first thick bitch, which could be big.
Or like, what about like a woman, a clothing line for plus-size women?
Like Queen Pig.
Bacon bitch.
Bacon bitch.
Conspiracy Rooms and Thick Boys00:02:27
I mean, here's the thing.
I know that we're doing this as a joke, but you got to realize it would be the most successful thing we've ever done by like a long shot.
I want to say that.
If Bacon Bitch just became this big merch thing, it would be much bigger than like any hour special or podcast or any of that.
Like those are the guys behind Bacon Bitch.
We're just sitting on a yacht in Miami eating baked beans.
There's a restaurant in Miami called Bacon Bitch.
There's a restaurant called Bacon Bitch.
Smart.
Of course there is.
And it's in Miami, right?
Yes, it is.
Yeah, of course there is.
Call it Bacon Bitch.
All right, everyone.
Parting thoughts, parting wisdom.
Yeah, I think Clubhouse is going to really come back.
I'm excited.
How fun would it be if there are live shootings on Clubhouse?
Like you just hear, like people start doing live shootings on Clubhouse.
It's just control Eric Weinstein.
It's all Eric Weinstein.
No, it just becomes a place to like live stream mass shootings, like mass casualty events on Clubhouse.
That'll be good for the stock price.
Like, what about a place where it's just after every mass casualty event, they're an instant conspiracy room on Clubhouse where people just start talking about it with all thing with fake.
Just show up to funerals.
You crash actors.
We're from Clubhouse.
Seeing the thing that they believed in get totally taken over by cranks and scammers is one of the funniest things in the world to me.
It's just hilarious.
I mean, there's just no way out of the fun ass.
That guy, the people that have owned it have been working in Silicon Valley for 20 years.
They're like, we finally got something.
We finally figured something out.
And then it's just been invaded by like people writing bad checks.
In the beginning, it was like Elon's coming on this, that, and the other thing.
Now it's just like, you know, people who embezzled money from their husband's fucking, you know, marina are now on Clubhouse trying to learn from Ty Lopez.
Some bullshit fundraiser for a dead kid?
What'd you say?
Some fundraiser for a dead kid?
Yeah.
People are just stealing their kids' cancer money are on Clubhouse.