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Destroying Masculinity00:14:05
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
I'm sitting here with my producer, the great Ben Avery.
He sat in traffic for four hours to get here.
That is called dedication.
That is called dedication, getting it done, making it happen.
This guy drives hours.
I went out to dinner with another comic who goes, how does Ben do it?
And I meant, what?
Dealing with me?
No, he goes, you know, the traveling.
And I said, well, it's his job.
Now, this other comic inherited a lot of money and bought a house.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But I said, it's his job.
He does his job.
Have you heard of a job?
I went to dinner with him and the girlfriend, and they leave the masks on the whole time.
And she works in children's television.
And I say this.
I said, this town is full of sick people, huh?
She goes, no, I don't think the people that work in children's television, she goes, they're some of the best people I've ever met.
Is there anybody worse than someone who likes their job?
If you really love your job, I make a lot of money doing this, and I'm lucky to do it, and I don't even like this.
So if you really like your fucking job, can you get up and get out of here?
Life is too short for positive people.
I'm telling you that right now.
If they're around you, get them out.
If you are sitting right now with someone who is smiling at you and telling you that everything is possible, kick them to the curb.
They are dangerous like a rattlesnake.
And I know that we've gotten that wrong somehow.
We've got to flip the script on that.
I'm just saying, Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro today are all upset because a boy band member wore a dress on Rolling Stone.
Okay?
And Candace Owens is going, they're trying to kill traditional masculinity.
Here's the deal with that.
Okay.
Number one, is there a real danger of men in this country going to buy gowns that were on the cover of Vogue magazine?
If you put a gun in my mother's mouth, I could not even figure out how to buy the Game of Thrones frock that Harry Stiles was wearing on the cover of Vogue.
Do you think anybody in this country is going to start wearing design?
Hey, honey, I'm sick of being a man.
I'm going to go buy a vintage Dior gown and wear it around.
I'm sick of my cock.
I'm sick of protecting you and bringing home the bacon, even though I haven't done that because I haven't had a job because nobody gives a shit about that.
And I know you need insulin, but that's okay, honey.
Just hold it down on the donuts for a little bit because we can't afford that.
But I feel like I'm in a prison of my masculinity.
So what I want to do is go buy a designer gown and walk around the house like I'm Cersei from Game of Thrones.
Is there a real danger?
Is that happening?
Is that happening out there?
No one can afford the gown, Ben, Candace.
Nobody could afford the designer clothes.
Nobody can afford to break out of the prison.
People are shopping at Walmart and the clothes at Walmart are pretty.
They're not experimental.
They're pretty.
They're men, women, and children, which no one can afford.
Those are the clothes at Walmart.
I'm sick of masculinity.
I want to buy an Oscar DeLaurenta gown right off the runway, and I'm going to wear it in my truck, even though there's not really going to be that job anymore because they're going to have self-driving trucks soon.
So I guess I'll just wear it around the park where we'll soon live.
Can we focus on any of the real problems?
Can we focus on any of the problems at all?
We're talking about, by the way, is that masculine debating?
If my grandfather was alive, he would not be talking about Harry Styles and what Harry Styles was wearing on the cover of fucking Rolling Stone or Vogue.
I don't even, I think it was Vogue, right?
The internet's not loading out yet.
The internet doesn't work, folks.
Everything I say is the truth.
We don't need the internet.
Who needs to verify?
They're going to verify like Twitter when Trump goes, I won.
And by the way, is there anything better than that?
Is there anything funnier than every 15 minutes Trump tweeting, by the way, I'm not going anywhere?
I know that you think you had an election, but I got to be honest, I won that and I won't be leaving.
So the media, and I mean, I'm not saying it's right, but just pure funny.
Nothing is funnier than him going, by the way, I know the media thinks there's some definitive answer here, but I'm good.
I'm good right where I am.
And every, you know, it's what everyone said he would do.
He's doing it.
He's doing what everyone said he would do, which is just sit in that office and tweet.
At the end, you always go back to the box.
Go back to Twitter.
That's where it all ends.
It begins on Twitter and it ends on Twitter.
That's how powerful technology is.
You could be the president of the United States.
He tried to bomb Iran this week, supposedly.
I don't know if that's true or not.
I think they leaked the thing he asked to general.
He goes, by the way, can we bomb Iran?
They go, just go back to Twitter.
Just go back to Twitter.
You could control a nuclear arsenal and it's still not going to be as powerful as Twitter.
Just go back to the box, type a few letters, get it off your chest.
We don't need to bomb the nuclear reactors in Iran.
We don't need to bomb Iran right now when you've got two months left.
And the best thing that people could say about you is that you were not a warmonger.
Let's not ruin that.
Do a full withdrawal of the Middle East.
Get real gangster.
Get everyone home.
Tell everyone they're coming home.
And there are some people that think he's doing that.
Like on the internet, I'll read, you know, people are like, well, Trump is trying to fire people at the Defense Department because he wants to end the Afghan war.
And I'm like, fuck yeah, man.
Now that's not going to happen.
But hey, let's fucking let's do that.
If we're going to do something and the choices are bomb Iran or end the Afghan war, let's end the Afghan war that we've been in for 20 plus years for lithium-ion.
I mean, it's just funny.
It's just funny that in the midst of this, we've got a lockdown coming again.
I'm so mad about this lockdown.
I'm so depressed.
I can't do another lockdown.
We've grown.
This show has grown tremendously.
We've made a lot of fun shit.
We've had a lot of great episodes here, but I'm running out of stuff to talk about.
I need to leave my fucking house.
I need to get out there and have experiences with human beings.
And I just, this lockdown, this draconi.
I mean, the news every day now is like, every news article now is like, everyone you know has COVID.
That's the article.
They're like, everyone you know has COVID and every nurse you knew has killed herself.
How do you feel?
What?
Did you go out the other night and have meatloaf?
Yeah.
Well, there's nurses hanging themselves now.
Why?
Because you had a meatloaf.
I had it in a parking lot.
Doesn't matter.
You knew the risks.
And now everyone has COVID and all the nurses are killing themselves in front of their children.
What?
But it's their job.
I mean, shouldn't they just go to work?
People are being, there's one thing where they go like this.
They go, they're putting, there's a hospital in El Paso, Texas, where a nurse goes, we have a room called the pit where we let all the COVID patients die.
I'm like, why is that happening?
Why are we doing that?
Why is that allowed?
Everybody's like, I feel so bad.
Have you read the article about the pit?
And I'm like, I want to know why there is a pit.
Why are we putting people in a pit?
Can anyone explain that?
You went out in that tuna tartar and now they're throwing human beings in the pit in El Paso.
What?
I don't want that.
I'm losing it, folks.
I'm losing it.
I just took Ben to a Bentley dealership.
I don't have the money to buy a Bentley.
Those cars are $300,000.
Thank God.
And I don't have credit.
I can't do anything.
But we just walked around a Bentley dealership.
Thank God it was closed.
But I'm losing my mind here because I want to buy a Bentley and drive it through the ER at Cedar Sinai.
I want to drive my Bentley through the pit.
Give everybody a glimpse of a nice car before the end.
It's tragic.
I know this shit's real.
It's fucking hard.
It's horrible reading these stories.
People FaceTiming their loved ones at the end.
How horrible is that?
FaceTime doesn't even work.
You got your last words and they're freezing.
You're trying to connect to the Wi-Fi.
Hey, can you connect me to the Wi-Fi in the pit?
The Wi-Fi in the pit is not good.
I'm trying to talk to my mother.
Mom, I'm in the pit.
You shouldn't have gone out to dinner last night, you selfish cunt.
What?
I froze.
I said, Kant.
I called you a cunt.
I mean, what are we doing here?
Oh, man.
It's tragic and it's real.
It's horrible.
It's so sad.
People have, they got to go on, they got to go on FaceTime to say goodbye to their fucking families.
Let the family in.
If I go from COVID, I want my family in that room getting sick with me.
No FaceTime.
I want my boomer father to walk in there maskless and get sick.
I'm having a party in two days.
I feel like an idiot.
It's going to be outside, but that doesn't fucking matter.
You know?
I think people are going to try to social distance.
I mean, if the Nelk boys come, I don't know how much social distancing there's going to be.
They're just going to go around and lick people's faces like the bushwhackers.
Remember the bushwhackers, that tag team in the WWF?
What my listeners do.
And they would grab your face and lick you when you were just there, and it was great.
And that's what the Nelk kids are going to do.
Steve will do it.
He's going to run around licking people's faces if they come.
I just don't know.
I'm trying to laugh.
And all the news, it's so bad.
I don't even know what's going on.
Now, my friend Vanessa, I'm the godfather to her child.
I'm like, is it COVID that bad?
She's like, not really, but she's a sociopath.
I mean, she's a nurse, but she's like Nurse Ratchet.
You know, she goes, I got to go to work tomorrow, and I hate the liver patients.
I'm like, what?
She goes, I hate them.
She goes, when a heroin addict gets a new liver, they're real, she goes, they're real paranoid and anxious, and they're not fun to deal with.
I'm like, why are we giving heroin addicts new livers?
I'm confused about everything.
I just need to buy a Bentley.
I just need to buy a gown on the cover of Vogue to break out of the prayer.
I don't like being a man no more.
Well, you buy a Moo Moo like the rest of us because we're broke.
I only want a gown like Harris Styles is wearing.
I wear Lane Bryant, Tom.
We have nothing in this house.
I have three pairs of jeans and they're all elastic band.
I have three dresses and the last one I wore was when we had to go to court for your accident.
I want a Christian to your gown.
What is wrong with these people?
Is Candace?
Like these people are out of their minds.
They're like, they're destroying masculinity.
How about they're destroying masculinity by no one has a job?
How about that?
How about they're destroying masculinity?
No one can go to work.
They're not destroying masculinity because there's a dude in Ohio right now that's like, I want to get Gucci fucking crock sandals and walk around in a caftan and wear big fucking Chanel sunglasses and palm springs.
Destroying masculinity.
Nobody can provide for their family.
That used to be masculinity, providing for your family.
I just love a guy like literally sitting there with his wife and going, I don't feel, I feel like I'm in a prison of gender.
And she goes, I understand that, but you can't afford to go buy a gown that this boy band member wore on the cover of Vogue.
It's expensive.
John, it's very expensive.
And he's like, you don't understand.
My whole life, I felt like one thing and I was another thing.
She goes, I don't care what you fucking feel like, but you go to pay less and get some pumps and you go to fucking get a cheap dress from the goodwill because you don't got no scratch, John.
All day we got to do the destruction of masculinity.
And all these guys from Long Island are getting on board about, you know, the guys that have never served in a war and yet their fucking Facebook profile picture is Semper Fi.
Right.
They're a military adjacent.
Everyone in Long Island has nine flags on their lawn.
They've never served one day.
They've never even helped an old person cross the street, let alone served anybody.
They've never served anything except they've served themselves a drink.
That's all they've ever served.
And they're getting online.
They're like, thank God Candace is calling out these fucking fags, trying to make me wear a fucking dress.
Go to work.
You can't do that.
Fighting for Ventilators00:03:07
It's everybody's in the pit.
We are all these hospitals.
We've had nine months to get ready for the second wave.
Why is there no preparedness?
There's been eight months.
We knew the second wave was coming.
We knew it was coming.
It's like if you're in the ocean and one wave knocks you down, you stand up and you go, oh, you know what?
I bet another wave is coming and it's going to hit me the same way, maybe even worse.
If you keep getting knocked down by the same wave, and you see kids that keep getting knocked down by the same wave, there's a term for that.
It's called drowning.
And they need to be taken out by a lifeguard.
But if you're an adult, you should have some semblance.
Like, why have we not prepared for this?
Nobody's prepared.
I don't understand.
Can someone help me here?
Why are we still throwing bodies in a pit?
I mean, it's crazy.
There's all these nurses that are on Facebook, and the nurse will be like this.
The nurse goes, I can't go on like this.
Today, I came in and they didn't have any PPE.
I had to wear the skin of someone who died last night.
They fashioned a mask out of their face.
I'm walking around with someone else's face on and we're just throwing, we can't even treat any of these people.
We're putting them all.
We're stacking bodies in the parking lot and lighting them on fire.
And I go, okay, hold on a minute.
Didn't we know this was coming a little bit?
Wasn't that the differential here?
Wasn't the differential that we were going to prepare a little bit for this one?
Well, the hospital decided that we weren't.
Does no one have money?
Are there no resources?
Is there's no tax base?
I get it.
Maybe that's the problem.
Everyone's talking about the relief bill that's like not coming.
If I see, by the way, and I love comedy.
And I, how many times am I going to say that?
And Ben just looks at me like, we know that that's not true.
As soon as I say that, then I'm going to go off on this rant where I disparage everything about it.
But I understand it's important to save independent venues.
I get it.
That's my life.
I'm not saying that.
But let's, if I see one more time, save our stages, if I see that one more time, two things down on the newsfeed after someone's talking about something called the pit, where they're just throwing bodies in, throwing people in a room to die in El Paso.
By the way, does that have anything to do with Corona or is that just the way the El Paso hospital works?
They go, we've had the pit forever.
We just, we put you in the pit.
If you look even slightly sick, you go in the pit.
And if you get out of it, you get out of it.
I mean, what's next?
They're going to come out and they're going to be like, there's a fight club of corona patients.
We're making them fight it out for ventilators.
Are you happy now?
Are you happy?
We're making people fight each other and the winner gets a ventilator.
I'm like, is there no planning?
Has no one done any planning, folks?
I'm confused.
I'm genuinely confused.
The Woke Borat Movie00:04:18
It's ravaging the nation now.
And I guess it's ravaging the small town hospitals because the larger cities have more of a tax base.
Say what you want about these satanic pedophiles, but some of them pay taxes.
I don't know.
I'm unaware, folks.
All I try to do is honor the work.
You know, I honor the work here.
I just, I'm in a perpetual state of confusion at the news cycle.
I don't understand why nine months later, we're acting like we don't know what this is and we don't know how to treat it and we don't know anything.
But yet we also do.
And there's a vaccine coming tomorrow and also never.
And the lockdowns are coming back and they're not.
And there's now a curfew because Corona likes to go home at night and get a good night's sleep.
So we're going to do a curfew and nobody will ever get Corona as long as you're celebrating Joe Biden's victory in the street.
But if I want to have YouTubers over my house and feed them spaghetti out of a cheese wheel, I'm a bad person.
I don't get it.
It's truly mind-boggling.
I'm unaware.
And the only thing that provides me any levity, the only thing that provides me any joy, the only thing that gets me through my day is the president refusing to acknowledge there's been an election.
That is the only chuckles I get.
The only hoo-ha that I can muster is the president every 15 minutes going, I won and I'm not going anywhere.
That's the only thing that's giving me joy.
And that's a problem.
The disintegration of the American system is proving to be the greatest comedy ever released.
Truly.
I mean, there's nothing funnier.
Try to think of anything funnier.
I mean, it's hard.
Borat 2 is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
Woke Borat.
It's a female forward Borat movie.
I'm watching this in disbelief.
Like this is something that I would have made up with Nick Mullen two years ago.
Like, what if they do woke Borat and now it's here?
And Sasha Baron Cohen is like talking about himself.
He is a comic genius, but he's talking about himself like he's Paul Revere.
And he's like, you're Borat.
It's a movie about a guy who comes from a country where he thinks all Jews have horns.
And you've somehow now infused it with the right politics.
Did anyone see Borat 1 and go, you know what?
I just feel that should have had more of a message.
This is where we're at now.
So apparently we'll never have anything funny.
We'll just never have a good movie again.
And the only good movie that you can watch is the president of the United States refusing to leave.
And dude, is the military going to have to walk him out of the Oval Office?
Are they going to have to walk him out?
And is all these alt-right kids going to stand in the square and cheer for him as he walks out?
Is he going to get in a helicopter like Nixon, like Marine One?
And all these little alt-right kids are going to be, you're still my president.
It serves the left right for focusing on Russia Gate for two years, which was fake.
It serves them right for elevating John Brennan, the CIA director who never met a drone strike he didn't like, and putting him all over the news, telling people that Trump was installed by Russia for two years.
And there was all these idiots that were walking around going, not my president.
And now we have the other side that's going to do the same thing.
So it's just going to be a yin and a yang.
There's nothing we can do.
There's nothing we can do, folks.
Radicalization and Gruel00:08:23
The only thing we can do is just enjoy what you got.
Save up for that gown on the cover of Vogue magazine so you can show all your boys down at the bar that you're sick of having a cock.
I'm sick of being a man.
Being a man is not even fun anymore.
It's not even good.
It's like, okay.
But everybody acts like it's still the greatest thing in the world.
And it's like, get me out of it.
Get me out of the prison of masculinity.
Put me in a dress.
And by the way, like, what do you think, Harry Styles people?
They come in and they go, listen.
They go, listen, you're in movies.
You're in everything.
You're huge.
You do arena tours around the world.
Vogue wants to put you in a dress because it's important for young kids to see that if they too are in a wildly successful boy band that's put together on a reality show and parlay that into success as a major Hollywood actor.
And if they can, like you, gross tens of millions of dollars, that they can be accepted on the cover of Vogue.
And by the way, be gorgeous because he's gorgeous.
So if they're gorgeous and worth tens of millions of dollars, they can wear a dress on the cover of Vogue.
It's very important.
It's very important for kids to see.
It's very important for kids to see.
I mean, it's just crazy.
We're just entering a time now where to try to be serious is to lose your mind.
To try to make sense out of anything is to go absolutely insane.
Find a hobby.
Talk about, I'm talking about cars now.
I never cared about cars.
But you get to a point where there's nowhere to go.
And you have to start talking about things that are mundane.
And, you know, you have to find these inane, meaningless hobbies to keep yourself just even functional during the day.
You go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, the BMW 7 series, they have the Altina.
Now, the Altina is like the AMG package on the pen.
And you start to sound like a crazy person.
But what else is there to do?
Get into guns.
People love guns.
are like, well, this one, this one's a good one because it'll really get you, you know?
I mean, I don't know anymore what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why there's zero preparedness for a second wave that we knew was coming, that everybody knew was coming, and nobody has a clue.
Nobody's got any way, and everyone you know has COVID, and everyone's positive, and also the tests are fake, and they don't work, but everyone's positive.
But the tests aren't good, but they're positive, but they're not, and get tested, but don't.
And if you have a negative test, it doesn't mean you don't have COVID.
So still don't go see your family and keep the mask on.
And then Fauci goes, and even if we have a vaccine, you still have to socially distance.
Well, what?
He said that.
He goes, even if we get a vaccine, it's only going to work for 90 to 95% of people.
So it may not work for you.
So it may be good to just leave the mask on for the rest of your life.
Just leave the mask.
Just eat in parking lots.
Just get used to eating in parking lots and having Jeff Bezos deliver you gruel with a drone.
What's wrong with that?
Do you not like that?
Do you not like that?
You get your gruel with the drone and you shut up.
Do you not like that?
Don't you see where this is going?
Do you have a problem?
And then you fuck the sex robot because you can't meet anybody.
Is that not okay for you?
Do you not like your vegan gruel or whatever gruel they're going to give you?
It'll probably have some meat in it, America.
But is that not okay?
That sounds like a good way forward, doesn't it?
Just don't leave your house.
Just put sheets on the windows because the sun's killing you.
Don't go outside because the air is COVID and fires.
Stay in your room, go on Reddit all day, and then become radicalized, start posting, get deplatformed, lose your bank account, sit there and just try to order food with your girlfriend's credit card because she's not on Reddit yet and she's dead, but no one knows that yet.
So use her card while she's dead.
And then have Jeff Bezos and his friends deliver you gruel and then watch every now and then.
You can watch TV and Bill Gates will shoot a missile of dust into the atmosphere and that'll be nice.
And then watch all the rich people go to Mars.
Eventually, that's what's going to happen.
You're just going to watch all the rich people leave America and it's ascend.
They're going to go to Elysium and you just sit there and don't go to dinner, but they're going to go to Mars.
They're going to fucking leave and terraform, but you can't go to Fridays because otherwise you're going to be in the pit.
Don't you see?
It all makes sense.
Doesn't it make sense?
It makes sense.
The tests are fake, but you have COVID.
The masks don't, you know, they need to be on all the time, even if you've had it.
The antibodies don't matter.
The tests aren't real.
COVID is fake.
COVID is real.
It's all, and all we need to do now is just sit in our pod-like homes and wait for our leaders to let us know when they're going to leave this planet and blow it up.
And be grateful.
Just be grateful.
Just be grateful.
How lucky are we?
And all, all that brings you any joy, all that you can just depend and rely on is that the president of the United States, who's a game show host, is refusing to leave the White House.
It's the only comfort I have because it makes me laugh.
And everything is so horrible that I don't even, and I'm not saying that COVID's not real and that people aren't sick and that this isn't horrible.
I'm only wondering why in God's name, the most advanced and richest country in the world has done absolutely nothing to prepare for a second wave, which everyone said was a certainty.
It was a near certainty.
And then every hospital is still in the same shit position that they were in.
I don't get it.
I don't understand.
I've made all the jokes already.
I can't do another five months of COVID jokes.
We've done them all.
We're in a simulation.
Keep going round and round in the circle game.
I just don't understand.
I don't know if I had it.
Remember when I was sick in March?
Yeah yeah, your throat closed up completely.
I was sicker than I had ever been wild, wildly sick.
I was sick.
The only thing I could do was walk around Beverly Hills with Persians.
All I could do was walk around the Beverly Flats and gaze at stunning estates while Persian kids drive by me in those little tiny Lambos they buy for them.
You know the fake, the fake little ones, the and all I could do was walk around and try to get some sunlight, some vitamin D, which I don't know if that even works.
And I was sick and I had a cough and that cough lasted three weeks.
And I went to the urgent care in LA and the people at the urgent care aren't real doctors, they're actors that are pretending to be doctors.
They said I had strep throat.
But Rudy Gobert and a lot of those basketball players also tested positive for strep throat.
Apparently it's a common co-infection.
I thought I had corona.
They said I didn't have it.
So I went back.
I had a fever.
I think it was 99 or 100.
Maybe it popped higher, I didn't know, I didn't give myself the temperature every day and I just sat there and I felt like shit and it took me three weeks to get back from that and I just felt like hey, maybe I'm just sick, you know, but I've been exposed and I've been in packed planes and I've been in comedy clubs that have been packed and I've sat next to strangers and I you know.
So either I've just been very, very lucky or I've had this where I have some kind of an immunity.
My mother has some weird immunity.
My mother and I've told this story on stage.
She has asthma.
She's 300 something pounds.
She's refused to die.
Her neighbor in the nursing home, meaning the person that sleeps in the bed next to her, had it.
My mother has not had it.
My mother literally wears a MAGA hat in her bed, like she sits there and barks orders at people like fucking, like Job Of The Hut in her MAGA hat and screams at them if they don't bring her the food and she said it sucks and she throws it at them and she tortures all of the healthcare workers.
You know my mother, they throw my mother in the pit.
Everyone will die, but my mother put my mother in the pit, they'll go.
Patty ate everyone in the pit.
She ate two Corona patients and now we got to bring her back to her room the pit.
A Different Christmas Anxiety00:12:35
Does anyone?
Can we launch an investigation into the El Paso hospital?
Like, can anyone explain?
I wish we had the internet we could look up the pit.
I'm just so confused.
I feel like nothing is changing.
I feel like we're in a weird simulation.
We're in a roller coaster.
We're about to do the.
We're about to do another loop.
You know, did you see?
A lot of celebrities are still doing international travel.
Like Tom Hanks got his like Greek citizenship and they're taking pictures in Greece and all these things.
Like they're still allowed to go wherever they want.
And uh, Kim Kardashian got an island and all these things.
This, the celebrities are still living their life.
There's no quarantine for them.
Really there's no quarantine for anybody that's got real money, and they're not.
They're gonna leave the planet earth soon and we're gonna.
We're gonna have to sit there and go.
Isn't it great?
Isn't it great?
Look at Carrie Underwood go.
Look at Taylor Swift, leave earth.
I mean, this is what they're getting ready for right, they're get it's islands now, but in 20 30, 50 years it's gonna be planets.
Right, they're out.
Yeah, they're trying to get out.
They really want out.
Yeah, but you can't go to Ralph's, right.
But if you go to Ralph's, you've killed someone because you got macaroni salad, right.
But these people can can, can launch rockets and try to get the fuck out of here.
I don't blame them.
If I had that kind of money, i'd get the fuck out of here too.
These elites are like, what are they arguing about now?
They're arguing about a.
Harry Styles wore a dress.
They're all inflamed over that.
They're looking at each other going, let's get out of here.
Let's get out of here.
Can we, can you get Elon Musk on the phone and Richard Brans and a few people?
Can we make a few things happen and get out of here?
Tisley AND Maxwell's like, that was our biggest problem.
We had an island.
We should have had a little fuck planet.
Me and Jeffrey could have had a planet.
The next Jeffrey Epsom is going to have a planet.
He's going to have a planet.
And they're going to be like, did you hear what happened on Little St. Jupiter?
It's truly.
And we're all supposed to sit here and think it's great and fight each other.
We're all supposed to scream at our aunts and uncles and not see our families and not leave our houses and not ask why we can't go to work and not ask what's going on.
And we get nothing from anybody.
And we've elected Joe Biden, who is a real JFK figure.
And I mean JFK now, like dead.
And we've got Kamala Harris who's going to get in there.
And if you ask a question, you're going to be put right in jail.
And you're going to need like five vaccines to go to Macy's.
So what are we doing?
We're so medicated in this country.
It's all anxiety and depression.
Nobody wants to talk about the fact that it's, is it anxiety or depression, or is it that you don't have a job, you don't have a family, you ate a stack of pancakes and now you're asleep and you're sleeping and you have no future and it's been robbed and taken from you.
But take this pill, it's going to be okay.
And your kids all have ADHD, which means they just want to go outside and run around, but they can't do that because the streets is crawling with pedophiles and God only knows.
So we're terrified now.
The kids can't even run around anymore.
They just sit on Twitch and watch other people play video games while they eat fucking Skippy peanut butter with their fingers and blink a lot because yeah, that fucks you up.
So here's fucking some Adderall for them.
And then you have take $9 million out in college loans and then you got to sit there and you're getting a degree in whether you have a cock or not.
And then you wonder, how am I going to pay that back?
Well, just keep cramming Adderall down your throat and write a thesis on your horrible life.
And then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life paying back student loans, selling your blood plasma.
But don't worry, it's anxiety.
It's not the system.
It's anxiety.
It's depression.
It's chemical.
It's in your head.
It's all in your head.
Don't ask us for a solution.
It's all in your head.
Here's $800.
Go die.
And we can't question the pharmaceutical companies because then you sound like a, then it's like, what are you, some anti-vaxxer?
Are you some nut?
Do you not trust Bill and Melinda?
Do you not like Pfizer?
Do you not like Merck and Novartis and GlaxoSmithKline?
Do you not like that?
Do you not like a generation of drugged up Americans who are on so many SSRIs their dicks don't work?
And then you got to get pills for that?
Shout out to Blue Chew.
But you can't question them.
You can't question them.
The only family we're allowed to hate is the Sackler family because they are scumbags and they made OxyContin and they didn't want to tell anyone it was illegal.
But we're supposed to believe that they're like some lone wolf, just like Lee Harvey Oswald.
See, the Sackler family, they're bad, but they're just a lone wolf.
Everyone else is great.
They're all, yes, they were on Epstein's Island doing a conga line with Bill Gates, but they're all good.
The Sacklers are bad.
They're bad because they made OxyContin.
Then we have the opioid addiction.
Well, what about all the people that ship the jobs away?
Shut your mouth, Nazi.
It's the Sackler family.
Well, shouldn't we ask some of the other pharmaceutical companies what the fuck they're doing?
No, they are benevolent forces for good.
And you take this vaccine with 19 boosters.
Well, will the vaccine work?
We don't know.
We're trying to leave Earth.
Can you stop bothering us?
Here, Harry Styles is in a dress.
Go fight about that.
And by the way, the kids are going home from school.
So now you have your children to deal with as well.
And there's nothing you can really do other than just enjoy.
Have a few, have a few, smoke a joint, do something, run, swim, get on the elliptical, try to stave off, you know, whatever disease is coming for you, which you can't afford.
You know, Joe Biden's new healthcare plan will, I don't know what it'll be, but it'll be nothing.
You know?
Oh, yeah.
It'll be absolutely nothing.
And don't worry, as soon as those two get in, we'll be at war again, which we need another war.
We need to get in there.
We've been giving Saudi Arabia money so they can go and shellac Yemen causing a genocide.
They need more money.
And then Israel will need more money.
And then everybody will need more money so that they can go to the Middle East and continue to play whack-a-mole with the Middle East while you and everybody you know disintegrates into quicksand.
And there's nothing really to do except, oh, it's Barry Weiss on the view.
Barry's on the view.
Barry and Megan are really going to give it to each other on the view.
Just a little frustrating.
So I just walk around a Bentley dealership when it's closed.
Just touch the Bentley grills and it's closed.
I just touch the Bentley grills and I try to explain to Ben, no, this is the newer grill.
It's the newer.
I'm like Rain Man.
I walk around like a psychopath.
I just touch the Bentley grills.
I put my face.
I feel the little grill on my face.
Wouldn't it be nice to get hit by a Bentley?
Wouldn't it be nice to have your face smashed by a Bentley?
Wouldn't it be nice in front of a family?
In front of a family on vacation?
Wouldn't it be nice?
What happened to that man?
Well, that man just got hit by a Bentley and then there'd be blood on the grill and some cunt will get out and she'll look at you and you'll be staring at her with your bloody face and you only got a few minutes left of life and she just looks down at you and the last thing she does is just put a mask on your diseased little face so she doesn't have to look at it.
I don't know what to do or where to go.
It's truly interesting.
And it's not, here's the thing.
It's not even interesting.
No one cares about the PC shit anymore.
You can't even argue about that.
I see people making sketches about that.
It's over.
That is over, guys.
What a luxury problem to have.
It's a luxury problem to have.
No one cares about getting canceled.
Earth is getting canceled.
Earth.
The planet Earth is being canceled.
You're living through the cancellation of the planet Earth right now.
And it's hard to ignore it because they're all about to leave.
They're all about to go.
They're just going to get on jets and they're going to get on spaceships and rocket ships.
And you're going to watch them go.
They're going to say it's great.
They're going to go, isn't it great?
Isn't it great?
They're all leaving to go somewhere else.
And you could sit there and Thanksgiving's coming up.
Isn't that fun?
Thank God we have Thanksgiving.
Shouldn't we cancel Thanksgiving?
Is there anything to be thankful for this year?
Is there anything to be thankful for?
I mean, can you imagine?
I guess you could be thankful you're alive.
You could be thankful you're not dead.
That's true.
You could be thankful you're not in the pit.
I get it.
You could be thankful maybe you're working.
You could be thankful you got some money.
There are things to be thankful for, no doubt.
But it's a lean time for gratitude.
Isn't it a lean season for gratitude?
And by the way, any company that does a jingle bells Christmas commercial, we should surround it with AR-15s.
And I'm kidding about that, which is comedy.
Comedy, comedy.
But if they do that shit this year with the goofy, like, hey, it's a different kind of Christmas this year.
We know, like, if they do that, and you know that's coming, right?
There's going to be a snowman on a ventilator.
It's a different kind of Christmas this year.
Yeah, Santa Claus on a Zoom call.
I can see it now.
Santa's on a Zoom call.
Everybody's saying hello to each other from Zoom.
We know you can't be together this year, but it's important that you just constantly accept everything we say because it's the only way.
It's the only way any of you are going to get anywhere, by the way.
Christmas is coming.
Deck the halls with Bowser Volley.
God, am I not in the mood for that?
I don't want to hear any Christmas music this year.
I want funeral dirges and Gregorian chant.
I hope these radio stations just play Gregorian chant.
That's all I want to hear.
I want to hear funeral dirges and Gregorian chant.
I do not want any fucking peppy, happy Christmas music this year.
I don't feel it's appropriate.
You know, and I know that I hope they do Santa Con, and I hope they call it COVIDCon.
SantaCon is when all these young kids dress up like Santa Claus's and elves and Mrs. Clauses and they all run around.
And I hope to God they do it this year.
I hope to God they do it and the cops shoot them and they still do it.
I hope that they shoot a bunch of white kids and those white kids are just drinking eggnog and vomiting fucking in the streets and the cops are just blowing their brains out.
It's a different kind of Christmas this year.
We know that.
Here at Amazon, we know it's a different kind of Christmas, which is why we're reminding you that it is completely unsafe to leave your house or make human contact with anyone for any reason.
Because what you see as just a fun-loving little Christmas, we see as a resistance movement.
You see it as a family gathering.
The FBI sees it as a domestic terrorist organization.
Do you understand me?
Don't ask any questions.
It's a different kind of Christmas this year.
You'll just need to stay in your, just stay.
Now it would be like, now it would be like and Frank hiding from the Nazis now.
It would be like, and you stay there forever.
Wait, the war's over.
Resistance or Terror00:11:00
Ann?
Ann, do you want people sent to the pit?
What's the pit?
Get back in the closet.
Wait a minute.
They just liberated all the camp.
Ann, I'm telling you right now, get back in the closet.
You can go on Zoom.
I mean, it's just a, you know, I hope I was funny.
When I get in a depressed mood, I tend to be funny.
Doug Stanhup had a great quote.
He said, happiness is great for a lot of things, but it ain't good for comedy.
Not the type of comedy I do.
There's a lot of comedy out there that's very happy, and God bless the people that do it.
I really don't.
That's not for me.
Have you ever seen like happy comedians?
It's terrifying.
It's actually scarier than angry comedians.
Guys that are really happy.
Like, hey, man, what's going on?
How you been?
Where you been?
Hey, man.
Like a clown.
Have you ever been like on a date and then you fart?
Why do these people need to make anyone laugh?
Just go and play volleyball.
I look at some comics on the stage.
I go, will you just go and play volleyball, please?
Stop wasting everyone's goddamn time.
Have you ever been on the beach and then you shit yourself?
The coyotes all around the desert are screaming.
They agree with me.
I'm moving from the desert.
I'm moving back to the Valley of California to Los Angeles for a year.
We're doing one year in L.A. We'll see what that means.
Who knows?
Me and Ben move as a unit, so we'll make a decision after that.
Maybe we end up in Texas.
I don't know.
I'll move to Texas if Joe Rogan's the governor.
Maybe I'll get into politics.
Everything's fake.
So maybe I'll just run for Congress.
You know, I get bored easily.
So I'm like, maybe we should just run a congressional campaign, Ben.
Could we do the podcast on the, is that legal?
You still have to.
Why not?
Bernie had a podcast at one point, so it's probably legal.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm telling you right now, I think we should just run for Congress as a bit.
Yeah.
Let's just run as a joke.
We should just run for Congress as like a bit.
Let's do it.
You're my campaign manager.
Okay.
And they'll be like, Mr. Dylan has openly talked about paying for sex and selling subprime mortgages.
And he loves dishonesty.
And he's a moral degenerate.
He has many failings.
He's asked the nursing home many times to kill his own mother.
And he would take a percent and say it's COVID and he'll take a percentage of the money.
Mr. Dylan, do you have any...
I'll just do the NELC thing.
I'll just look and go, hey, full send, bro.
Full send.
I'll run for president with Steve.
We'll do it.
He's going to be my vice president.
That guy drinks like...
That's like, I'm starting to love those guys because everyone else is like, Garcia's not defending the cops.
And the Nelk is like, what if we drank a bottle of rum at once, like in one chunk?
It's refreshing.
I'm like, yeah.
They're like, let's make out on some old guy who's in a grocery store.
Probably some old veteran.
So what?
That guy can get made out on?
What is it?
He probably did the My Line Massacre.
I'm not saying everything they do is super moral, but it's fun.
It's a little different, you know?
Sure.
Instead of tweeting to Garcetti about defunding the police all day, these kids are like, what if we just harass people in a grocery store?
Sounds fun.
Folks, I don't even know what to do anymore.
I'm just, you know, how long have we done on this episode?
We're at 47 right now.
47 minutes of just bile.
Just straight up bile leaving my soul.
It's really amazing.
Straight up bile.
Louis said, I spoke to CK about the show.
He goes, he goes, do you plan any of that?
I'm like, no, I just go.
I love Louie.
Louie's a great guy.
And I think that when the facts come out, and they never will probably, you know, no one will care, but it will exonerate him on many levels.
Totally.
Absolutely.
Not that that's a, you know, he's still working.
People are still following him and going to his shows.
Comic genius, you know?
Yeah.
But no one cares.
You can talk to people that don't care.
I talked to women in Long Island.
I go, what about Louis?
They go, what?
What do you mean?
I don't know, man.
It's just an interesting, and it's not interesting.
I got to keep stopping myself.
It's actually boring.
I'm bored.
The news cycle, like the great Eddie Pepintone said, there are so many shootings, I'm bored by them.
The news cycle's gotten boring.
Every day you turn on the news.
Okay, so everyone's dead.
K. Can't leave the house.
Okay.
Trump's not leaving.
K. K.
Okay.
The big thing now is like, are you going to go see your family?
That's the big, and you know how I feel about that.
Don't go.
And it has nothing to do with Corona.
Right.
But that's the whole thing.
Everybody's like, are you going to go see your family?
Because if you do, you're going to kill.
I love when they do these things.
They were like, from one wedding, 150 cases of COVID-19 and seven deaths.
Who is doing that?
Like, who's doing the tracing?
Like, that's the fun job.
Right.
Who's doing that?
What historian is on that beat?
The wedding COVID beat?
All right.
So you attended the McCluskey wedding.
Okay.
And then you got sick.
And then you went to Denny's and then a waitress dropped dead.
I mean, who's doing this?
Russ Cole?
How are we doing this?
Is this just a guy in a shed somewhere with all these strings of yarn attached to every human being that's ever left the house in six months?
How are we doing this web of COVID death, by the way?
Just Matthew McConaughey sitting there smoking a cigarette going, well, I knew that the Johnsons went to a baby shower on the 12th, and then they got in their van and drove two states away to see their son at college.
You see what I'm saying here?
He just lights a cigarette?
Like, not really.
He's like, well, you got to look at it.
Look at the big picture.
Woody Harrelson's like, I don't fucking know what you're saying, man.
Russ is like, let me pop this tape in.
Here's a tape.
You know, and instead of the fucking true detective kid getting fucked or whatever, it's like, it's like, it's just a tape of like a bunch of people sitting in a backyard, you know, eating burgers.
And Woody Harrelson's like, oh, my fucking God.
Jesus fucking Christ, man.
You watch all that?
You watch all that shit, man?
All right, I'll help you.
What do you need?
Well, we got to find everybody.
We got to find every single person that went to the Miller wedding.
Shout out to the girls from Red Scare who quoted me when they were talking to Glenn Greenwald.
I enjoy them.
Go support them on Patreon if you can, if you enjoy their program.
Shout out to everybody on Patreon making money, you know?
Oh, yeah.
Before Kamala Harris goes in there with a chainsaw.
So it feels like we will be off very soon.
By the way, just enjoy this while it lasts, folks, because Kamala's going to go in there with a chainsaw and start sawing desks apart.
They're going to execute the people in this fucking site.
They're going to stand them on a plank.
Oh, they're going on a plank.
By the way, the CEO of Patreon, he better hope that they don't just walk him right out into the field.
They're going to blindfold him and walk him right out into the field.
You did what?
You let what happen?
So you just let people talk and then other people give the money?
Oh, no, thank you.
They're going to execute everybody at Patriot.
We hope not.
God, do we hope not.
God, let's pray that that doesn't happen.
I just hope that there's one guy that saw Harry Styles in that gown and said that I only want to be trans if I can go designer.
I only want to break out of the prison if I can, I can't, if I, I might just be a man if I can't wear a vintage Chanel gown.
I might just have to be a man, like just some guy sitting with his buddy going, hey, man, I was ready to be done with it.
The farting, the fighting, chasing pussy, being a fucking man.
I saw Harry Styles in that gown, and then I saw the gown it was, and I tried to get it.
But it's off-runway, and you can't really get it in the stores.
You have to call a stylist or a designer.
I don't really know anybody.
The big fashion houses have people that reach out, basically try to get people wearing their shit.
I don't have access to any of them.
So, you know what I did?
I just went to my shitty job, ate my fucking shitty lunch, and I figured I'd go home and just put my half-hard cock in my wife again because I can't afford to be the golden fucking trans person.
I want to be a golden woman or nothing at all.
I just, I can't stand this.
If I can't have a gown, if I can't walk around like Cersei Lannister around my little hovel, then damn it, I'll just go to the pit.
Just throw me in the goddamn pit.
We can't afford the gown.
Well, then just throw me in the pit, honey.
I'll be in the pit.
You understand?
Waiting for the end with my dirty cock and my disgusting prison of masculinity.
I just love the people in the pit reading Ben Shapiro.
Yeah, this is disturbing.
The assault on masculinity is really a problem.
It's so dark.
The news is so incredibly dark.
It is so dark.
Hope to God They Procreate00:03:24
Don't fall into depression, folks.
Don't fall into, I know that it's so easy right now because I fight it myself.
Like, I try to fight paying it, you know, that's why I have that little kid Dan around because I love him.
He's just, he doesn't pay attention.
You need frat boys in your life and college kids and watch the NELC videos.
You can't, if you pay attention, it's the problem.
So that's why you just got to kind of say, hey, just have fun.
Just goof.
Just be a goof.
You know, maybe all those comics I shit on, maybe they were right the whole fucking time.
Talk about farting.
Go play volleyball.
I mean, you're not allowed.
And if you do it, the cops will shoot you.
Or just walk around the Bentley dealership.
Just walk around dealerships of cars you can't afford after they've closed and look at the pretty metal.
Look at the pretty metal.
Look at the pretty metal.
And imagine those cars as spaceships.
And imagine those spaceships leaving the planet with all your favorite politicians and celebrities and all their rich drug addict children like Chet Hayes that's speaking Jamaican patois.
They're all going to get to terraform.
They're all going to get to go to somewhere else.
And we'll just sit on this burning, ravaging hellscape, looking at each other and listening to our favorite podcasters on Patreon.
And we'll just hope to God that maybe some of us get taken up there as experimental sex guinea pigs.
That's our best hope.
Our best hope is that some of these elite motherfuckers look at us and say, you know what?
Maybe they'll be good to just fuck with their biology.
So we'll fly them up there and make them live in little huts and we'll make them fuck each other and we'll try out all kinds of experimental vaccines on them.
And we'll make, you know, that's the hope.
That's the real hope here, okay?
Because that's how this all started.
You see?
That's how Earth started.
The Anunnaki or whatever alien race was like, we need a slave race.
Let's make them.
Let's just fuck around with them and let's put biological material on Earth.
See what the fuck happens.
And then they created us, you see?
And it ain't that bad, right?
So in a thousand years from now, if they take some of our disgusting carcasses up to the next planet with them and they breed us as a slave race, then years later, There'll be a new Patreon and there'll be new podcasters and there'll be new fucking depressed people walking around closed down Bentley dealerships and there'll be new dresses and new Vogue magazines and everybody will be fighting.
And then in a thousand years, these motherfuckers will get up and they'll leave that planet and they'll just keep going around the universe like this and they'll be shape-shifting interdimensional aliens that feed on our negative energy.
And that's okay, because that's just what this is, folks.
It's just what it is, so be happy with it, enjoy it.
Hope to god they put you on On a spaceship, hope to God they see something valuable and they let you procreate to make a new slave race on their new planet.
But until then, I'm gonna go right now because Ben has to do some research.