Tim talks memorial day weekend, big boy cab dispatchers, the type of fame he deserves, and finally proves that Raymond Kump is in fact alive and well. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Ray Kump (Keto Kump) plugs: https://www.instagram.com/raykump/?hl=en https://twitter.com/RayKump https://www.patreon.com/RayKump Ray's Beats - https://soundcloud.com/user-987490101 Please Support Our Sponsors: www.ridge.co Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Wild Summer Vibes00:14:57
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
It is Memorial Day weekend to kick off to summer, and what a wild and wet summer it's gonna be.
It's gonna be partying, boozing it up at the beach, buds and suds, real fun, splishing and splashing.
What a joyous time we're gonna have this summer.
I mean, could anything be more fun?
Masks and gloves and spikes and wave runners, jet skis, beach balls, and corona balls, and just you know, make of it what you will.
The fun's there if you find it.
The fun is there if you find it.
Ventilators and fireworks.
What a summer beaches are opening up.
I guess they have a drones.
Drones will fly over to beaches, tell you to social distance in the water.
That'll be nice, won't it?
Won't that be nice?
You're on the beach, and a drone goes, please keep six feet of distance.
Be nice.
Just you'll be like, Is that a jellyfish?
You'll see it's just a drone.
You'll see just drones in the water swimming around.
Is that a shark?
No, it's the robotic, it's a robotic reminder to stay six feet away from another human being.
Isn't that nice?
What a fun summer it's gonna be.
I'm trying to do, I'm on these some of these dating apps, man.
The nightmare, the hell of some of these dating apps.
People are just really first of all, the humor on dating apps, like the cute, cutesy humor.
Like the great thing about people that are really hot is that they never have to communicate effectively.
That's such an important part of really hot people's relationships is because their commute, their communication is all physical.
So, when you see really hot people talk to each other, they just giggle because they just want to fuck each other the whole time and they're just thinking about how much they want to fuck the other person.
And then they're just like laughing at that.
They're like giggling.
They're like, oh my god, oh, oh, the bread's good.
I wanted to be your dick.
But other people have to like actually try to relate to other people, and it's nightmarish.
Like they're on these dating apps.
Like one guy goes, if you don't like Disney, like we'll get along if you like Disney.
It's like you have a Disney ultimatum.
Like, what is wrong with you?
You have a Disney deal breaker.
Just the dumb jokes that and also the fuck Trump shirts and the like, that's your life that you don't like Trump.
That's your whole, that's what you, that's what you're selling, that you you, you don't like Trump.
There's nothing else except that.
How sad, how deeply tragic your life must be.
And all these dating app questions are like.
If there was a movie about your life, what would it be?
It's like these stupid dumb meaningless, You know, cutesy, fun questions.
You're supposed to have like cute banter.
You're supposed to like comment on people's questions and everything like that.
It's so worthless.
You know, like you look at these.
My favorite thing to do alone is listen to vibey music and chill.
This is, these are real people.
Fact about me that surprises people.
I speak Spanish fluently.
I mean, what?
I wanted to write like fact about me that surprises someone.
I killed a woman.
Something like that.
That's real humor.
Not some goofy shit.
That's something like actually funny.
My love language is acts of service.
I mean, how sick are these people?
My personal brand is dark humor as a defense coping mechanism.
That's somebody.
And I guarantee they have a horrible sense of humor.
It's just so bad out there, man.
I'm not saying I'm surprised, but I'm able to come up with better answers than this.
What I order for the table every time, somebody goes mozzarella sticks every time.
Where are you eating, you trash bag?
Gay guys always think they're the star of their own movie.
So they love things like this.
They're incapable of realizing that there are other people out there and that they are not interesting.
They're not stars.
They're not.
The whole show does not need to be centered around them.
But it's not possible for many of them because many of them were told they were very special their whole entire life.
People told me I was special, but they were right.
See the difference?
They were correct.
But a lot of other people were getting bad information.
Fake news.
The summer is here and the beaches are opening and it's going to be very fun to see how this plays out.
I don't know anything about virus transmission, so we shall see.
CDC was like, by the way, it doesn't really live on surfaces.
Our bed.
Thought it lived on surfaces.
You know how you were wiping down your groceries for the last three months, frantically scrubbing every surface you came in contact with?
Well, we were wrong about that.
Sorry.
We figured we would err on the side of caution and just tell you that this thing's trying to kill you every way on inanimate objects, out of the mouths of people.
We just figured that the default was to have you terrified of everything.
Not only people, but desks, elevator buttons, anything.
Now, I'm sure it is possible transmission, but they say that transmission is actually rather unlikely.
The great Ray Cump will be coming up in the broadcast later on.
He is not dead.
That was a rumor floating around.
Ray Cump is alive and wild as ever.
And when he comes on the show today, he drops some, I mean, things we should probably edit out.
He's completely, he's just, he's an untamed man.
You know, he is just, I believe I asked him how he was doing with the quarantine one time.
And he said, I'm no longer in a dark room.
I have a sense of time.
That was his answer.
I am no longer in a dark room.
I have a sense of time.
So just to give you an idea of what you're dealing with there with the great Ray Comp when he joins us as well.
Thank you everybody for retweeting, you know, or sharing on Instagram the Corona Ball video that we made where I wore a Corona Ball costume and went around Los Angeles.
I did not think my career was going to be this, but it is.
We live in, you know, life is an unending series of nightmares.
And that is, I got rid of my manager who I'd been with for three years, good guy, but we just had to part ways.
I wanted a real Hollywood manager.
I've signed with somebody by the name of Jess Lane Maxwell.
And she is going to be representing me.
We'll put her info on the website if anybody wants to contact her.
We haven't had a face-to-face meeting yet, but she seems very excited about the brand.
She wants to meet me in a canyon by Malibu late at night.
So who knows?
She told me to come alone without a cell phone.
Weird.
These Hollywood managers are weird, you know?
Melinda Gates is going to drive me.
Melinda Gates said she'll drive me to this meeting with my new Hollywood manager.
You know, it would be awkward if I met Bill and Melinda, you know?
Yeah.
I was like, hey, what's up?
Bill Gates is like, did you do a video where you implied that I had sex with a bat and gave birth to coronavirus?
And I'd have to go.
Yes, I did.
Because you didn't not do that, Bill.
You know?
But go smash that retweet button.
That's the way YouTubers talk.
They're like, yo, what's up?
It's your boy.
It's your boy, Tim Dylan.
YouTube, yo, what's up, YouTube?
It's your boy, Tim Dylan.
Smash that like button.
Smash that retweet.
Today we're filling my kiddie pool with Cheerios.
I don't know why we're doing it, but we're doing it.
And it's got 90 million views because we live in a fallen world where people have no families and they're all on opiates and they just want to put makeup on their face and watch me swim around in Cheerios because life's a hell anyway.
Death to anyone that had any talent.
Like and subscribe.
Smash that retweet button.
Today I'm driving a Lamborghini up a hill.
Don't know why.
But you're going to fucking watch it, love it, and share it.
Don't you wish you had a Lamborghini?
You've got nothing inside of you.
Don't even look.
Don't even look for anything to put inside of you.
Just like and subscribe.
Smash it, baby.
That's what YouTube's all about, you know?
YouTube's all about.
It's like, what if we ate chicken fingers in a hot air balloon?
That's like what YouTube content is.
They're like, like and subscribe.
You know, we're spending a lot of money on this video, but I don't care because I want to make you guys happy.
I want to make you guys happy.
That's why for this video, we're giving my grandma COVID-19.
That's right.
It's just like six kids going, just grabbing an old woman, going, there's coughing down her throat.
We're switching my grandmother's ventilator out with an accordion.
Like and subscribe.
Smash that retweet button.
I've literally never felt.
I have no conscience.
I'm perfectly suited to succeed in this country.
Like and subscribe.
Smash the retweet button.
My best friend died in front of me and I didn't blink.
Smash that retweet button.
Like and subscribe.
I'm 46 and I dress like a 12-year-old.
Like and subscribe.
I'm in my mid-40s.
My fan base is nine.
Like and subscribe.
I mean, so we're just trying to succeed in new mediums.
That's what we're trying to do.
We're trying to go into new mediums.
It's, I'm not perfect.
I get it.
You know, I'm just, you know, I'm just trying to branch out into the, into the new world.
We're trying to make funny things.
That's all.
So go like and subscribe.
So go subscribe to the Tim Dylan show on YouTube.
If all of you did that, that would be great.
But many of you don't do that.
And I don't know why.
Because you think you're better because you're listening to this while you jog around.
And you know, go subscribe, okay?
Support.
YouTube's not helping us.
Instagram is not going to help us.
None of these tech giants are going to help us because we're, you know, we're a little edgy, a little unpredictable.
We're funny.
It's just funny.
Mark Norman had a great point.
He goes, edgy just used to mean funny.
Like he would go to meetings and they'd be like, yeah, this thing you're doing is edgy.
He'd be like, that's good, right?
They'd be like, ugh, we're nervous.
But like, it just meant funny.
So all we are here is funny.
So go and support us.
We appreciate how much you guys support the Patreon.
We love that.
That's great.
Our Patreon episodes are good.
But also in the larger scheme of things, we also need to make sure that you guys are out there and, you know, wearing the merch, sharing the episodes, literally being devoted to me in a way that's unhealthy.
Scaring people, losing friends over how much you bring up the videos, stalking me, trying to kill me, forcing me to live somewhere else deep in the Hollywood Hills with security, afraid to leave my house, coming up to me in grocery stores, screaming when you see me, falling down on the street, crying, making it uncomfortable, threatening to kill yourself, killing yourself, coming back to life because it didn't work, telling me that I'm the reason that you came back to life.
You met me in the afterlife and I am God.
That's the YouTube fame.
That's the type of fame that those motherfuckers have.
And that's a fame that I deserve.
I deserve a fan base of emo psychopaths on the edge of a mass shooting or killing themselves, but instead they decide to consume my content.
I deserve Instagram DMs and Twitter DMs from people telling me that I'm the only thing that stands between them and putting a gun in their mouth.
That's what I deserve.
That's the kind of fan base I deserve.
Not these fucking lackluster 30-year-olds that may see me at Zane's and may not.
I mean a hardcore group of sick fucks that need help.
Cutters, people that are afraid to leave their home.
The only reason they do it is on the off chance that they'll bump into me in a parking lot.
And it'll be like Moses in the burning bush and they fall and start screaming.
They drop their phone because they're shaking.
They go into some Parkinson's like frenzy whenever they see me.
And people that even look like me, fat people and lesbians, anybody that looks like me, they do a double take and their pulse quickens and their heart goes up.
That's the kind of fan base I deserve.
I'm sick of these comedy fan lackluster.
Maybe we'll see him when he comes into Tulsa.
Maybe he won't.
I want a digital fan base of psychopaths, kids that are sent home from school because they might self-harm.
And I want the only thing to be in their phone is a picture of me and they've carved an X into my face because I am a god to them.
I am a deity.
That's online fame and I want it.
Just buy the shirt.
That's what I'm saying.
Buy the life in the big city shirt.
You see these YouTubers that go to malls, people go crazy.
They start screaming for them.
These TikTokers.
Why am I not in the hype house or the Sway House?
I think Sway House is better as well.
Why am I, why can't I be big huddy?
There's a little huddy.
I should be big huddy.
Little huddy is a TikToker who's got 3 trillion followers and he's he weighs 19 pounds and he's just like, he looks like Ryder Strong, the kid who was in Boy Meets World.
Chasing Online Fame00:04:09
And his name is Chase Hudson.
It's like, could there be a more TikTok-y name than Chase Hudson?
It's like, my name is Chase Hudson.
My name is Madison Chase.
I'm rich and you're not, you know, my name is It's Gucci Lamborghini.
You know, it's like, and this kid is just a massive, massive success.
And I don't begrudge anyone their success.
He's successful because like they do a rap song and they sing to it and they try to avoid the N-word.
They're like, oh, my, not going to mouth that one.
Dance by the pool.
They just dance by the pool.
That's what it is.
Just dance by the pool.
You know?
And God love them.
But that's what I want to do.
I want to be invited to one of these homes and I want to begin to make content with these people.
I think I have a lot to add.
I think I have a lot.
Why?
Let's make a dance about imperialism.
Let's do it.
Let's make a dance about the CIA killing Michael Hastings in front of the tree.
Let's do it a TikTok.
Like, look, here goes the car.
We drive the car.
Kennedy, we do the Kennedy dance.
Like, why not involve some element of conspiracy thinking in the dance?
Why not do a Great Depression dance where we're online like the food bank?
People are coughing because they don't have any health insurance.
I'm just saying I can go to different media.
I'm trying to expand the mediums.
I don't want to just sit here and yell into a microphone while I just get the cab dispatcher fat because that's no reason to not.
Cab dispatchers in Long Island were like 7,000 pounds.
They were guys whose arms are anywhere like, hey, Bobby, Duca, Duka, and go to Duka.
You just picked that guy up on Ocean Avenue, Duca.
Tuka, you pick him up on ocean?
Yeah.
Duca, we just got him.
We picked him up on ocean.
All right.
You smoking a cigarette.
All right.
You got to go down in McDonald's Street.
Got it.
Tuka.
Go to McDonald Street.
I'm 600 pounds.
I'm smoking a cigarette.
Go to McDonald's Street, Duca.
Duca.
They never left.
It was always a small little room in a train station.
They never left it.
It was like a little hut.
And they fit just in the hut.
Their fat was like, was like literally pouring out of the windows.
And they just like, the only movement they did was they would move their hand to their mouth with a cigarette.
That was in the old days when you used to take cabs to do cocaine, to get cocaine and do it.
You know, not everybody could do cocaine in the Hollywood Hills.
Some people have to do it in Long Island in a cab.
We used to be able to smoke cigarettes at cabs.
There were great times in this country is what I'm saying.
You don't know what freedom was.
Freedom was stealing money from your family and being able to smoke a cigarette in a cab on the way to get cocaine with a pregnant woman named Michelle.
The great Raymond Kump will come up.
It's coming up here.
He's a longtime listener, first time caller.
He is not dead.
So many people messaged me.
Is Ray dead?
He hasn't put out his podcast.
We've not heard from him on social media.
What say you, sir?
I've gone over some existential depression.
I'm feeling better.
People, feeling better.
People like you do not get to have existential crises.
Honoring Real Heroes00:10:21
I don't know what to tell you.
Look, I was planning before you called me, and thank you for calling me.
Me on the show.
Um, I was planning on uh, you know restarting the podcast this weekend.
Um look my, my podcast is uh, I don't want to like you know, liking myself to an Andy Kaufman or a?
Uh or a Lenny Bruce.
But you know, i'm a mercurial figure in the world and uh, that's why, you know, that's my value.
I'm not the guy, i'm not the bread and butter guy, i'm the guy.
I'm the spice you add in correct underground.
You're the spice that gets added to the bread and butter where people go.
Wait a minute, what's going on?
Uh no, I told people that I said the great thing about rays.
You're gonna get what you get when you get it.
Look, i'm not, i'm not trying to be, you know uh, a terrorist about it.
I'm not trying to be egotistical, but you know it's uh.
If there's a genius to me, it comes in.
You know, i'm not gonna force it, i'm not gonna give you.
I'm not Ryan Seacrest, all right, no matter how much you want to make me him now, and it is awkward for many people because many fans you, you share a considerable fan base with Ryan Seacrest, the people that would be into what he's doing.
You are a close second, look and uh look, Ryan does what he does.
I'm not gonna condemn him for it.
Uh, you know how great would it be if you had a meeting with like, a manager, an agent, and you're like listen, Ryan Sea Crest says what he does.
I'm not gonna condemn him for it, but i'm offering something similar that I think a lot of people will respond positively to.
If you know economics uh, i'm a substitution.
It's a clinical term.
I know you know what a substitution is, but it is.
I remember being economics class in high school and they told me that pepsi wasn't a substitution for coke, but mustard was a substitution for ketchup, which I didn't understand.
I still think it's bullshit.
This is the kind of thing they teach you in high school, instead of how the Federal Reserve works.
Right, that's true.
That's a very good point.
Yeah, I liked it immediately.
We went from substitution economics to food.
Like that's the only way you can teach Americans anything.
They're like, peanut butter is not a substitution for jelly.
Listen up, listen up, you fat fucks.
Baked beans however, is a substitution for funions.
Everyone's like, right, right makes sense.
It is Memorial day weekend.
What have you done for the troops?
What have you done for this country.
What have you done?
Uh, to commemorate the sac, the brave men and women who have sacrificed their lives so that we can sit here today.
You mean the American ones.
Nothing for the Americans no, sorry.
Um yeah, there's a certain certain look I I respect bravery where I see it right bravery, you know you don't get to be us and be brave.
There's nothing brave about, you know, bombing a village when you're in some kind of, you know, like hamster wheel plane that you know can't be hurt.
I think it's almost more impressive that we're not brave.
We're like running the world and we're kind of chicken shit, right that's, we're terrified of everything in this country, and the idea that we've sold ourselves is like brave and it's kind of even better.
What's interesting though is, you know, some respect to the troops, because it's a weird.
It's not like because we grew up thinking that, that you know, and they were told us that like this weird sheltered myth that's still weird.
That like basically, they would not let a single American die, even if it meant killing a hundred enemy right, and like that's kind of the model like Blackhawk down, like no no, we don't care, like we'll give their body back when reality, they'll let the troops.
You know it's more about, like you know uh, Mitch Mcconnell, being safe and we're not ever criticizing the troops.
They're sometimes, you are sometimes, and I do sometimes too.
But I say about the troops, I will suck many of the troops dicks, depending on as long as they're good, in good shape yeah um, but we, we're always criticizing the government that sends the troops out to do the things.
You gotta admit, sometimes a certain subset of troops, much like cops not all cops, but they join because they want to do certain things.
Very true, I mean, sometimes you get in the game because you want to play right right look, it's just, you know, and it's fine.
Look, i'm not even condemning that.
I get it.
I get why hurting people could be fun from a certain point of view.
Yes, you know, but you know we, we can't allow it in civilized society.
Sometimes, do it over there yeah, do it there, be a hero and go do it there.
Don't hurt people in your own town.
Am I too old to join up at this point?
I think I might be.
Um, I don't know if it's age, but it's literally everything else right about you and me.
I don't have a lot to offer, though I have a lot to offer militarily i'd be.
I mean, i'm all anti-war, but if they gave me the keys i'll, i'll drop some bombs.
Just give me some power i'll, you know, i'll make up for.
You know, i'm like fucking, what's his name?
I'm like uh Kissinger, I wish we were in Long Island and we could go to like the blue angels flyover at Jones Beach.
You know people who went.
You know different jobs.
They had, like yo me, my family, going to see the blue angels this weekend, so they get pictures with them.
And like 40 year old men, what are you doing?
We're going to see the blue angels this weekend.
They fly over and they make us proud.
Well, are those guys like current AIR Force guys or are they like drunk, like you know?
Are they kind of like the, the ex uh gunslingers, like going around with buffalo bill?
I mean, these are guys who, like did the Myline massacre.
You know these are like.
These are people who've done the worst things.
They're probably the biggest war criminals we have.
We just put them in blue planes and they do tricks.
I knew a little yeah, I mean, these are people who've probably the blood on their hands is of hundreds of thousands and millions of and you imagine in Long Island that's what they say like they point up to the sky to go.
You see that plane.
The guy in that plane killed 80 000 people.
He's the first guy to drop Age And Orange.
He killed 80 000 people.
5 000 of them were were our own troops who made the sacrifice because we were testing out drugs on them.
They can't even spell Defoliant.
Did you ever do anything?
For memorial day?
Is memorial day something people celebrate?
I can't even remember.
Yeah well, we used to have, like um, I see it could get blurred together because we my uncle Mike would have a barbecue on memorial and veterans day, so starting in the summer, and he had a nice like uh, half acre property in Comac and uh, let me play.
Was he a veteran?
Uh, I think he was a veteran in Korea.
He was a medic, but he got, you know, stabbed in the arm.
Okay yeah, he had two of a lizard, like a lizard on his arm.
He also got stabbed there.
Yeah, purple heart, did it ever get intense when he had a barbecue?
You ever throw a few back and it get a little weird.
Oh well, he threw a few back.
He was definitely uh, on the uh drunker side of an alcoholic yeah um, but you know, isn't it like he was a fun?
He was a fun drunk yeah, he was one of the fun.
He was never he got.
He used to like tabasco.
He was like he loved spice, he loves spicy food, he loves tabasco.
I remember my grandma complaining once because he like almost died choking on tabasco, a sauce at Thanksgiving and uh, he would make scenes in that way.
But he wasn't.
You know, he wasn't a racist.
I don't think he probably was.
But how do you choke on a sauce?
Well, I think it's just going into convulsions.
Uh, you know, it's just closing up your throat.
Maybe i'm not sure.
And he, he would just like just dose it, like keep going with it.
You know, just just a whole bottle on the turkey, rip Mike.
You know, rip uncle Mike, he's a good man.
Yeah, he was a nice guy, he's a good man.
There's always like a time, usually if you're at like a barbecue with a guy you served especially that age group where, like he gets drunk, and then in the middle you just hear him say something like better man than you.
You know, like some like scent of a woman, like outburst.
Well, he would never do that.
So now i'm an adult man, i'm looking back for the first.
I haven't thought about him in a while, but he was so nice and he was so like always the wife of the party and always just like good-hearted, so he probably did some bad.
Yeah, he probably was, you know, probably had he probably got his fill of being aggressive.
Yeah, I don't remember.
I remember like we would me and my father would go, like when they had these blue Angel flyovers, like we would hang out with his friend who owned a steakhouse and and and a few of his friends and we would all like drive to uh Jones Beach, that strip of land in Long Island, and then watch the blue angels and then just drive back to uh you know someone's house and sit in the backyard and you know,
and I don't I don't remember if that was Memorial day or fourth of july, it all kind of blurs, I mean, if you think, Think about it, Fourth of July.
Well, see, I'm as a kid, we always stayed put on Fourth of July, but I guess people move around.
I guess people go to the beach and stuff, but uh, Memorial Fourth of July feels more like you know, you wouldn't want to necessarily leave like jump houses back and forth, but maybe people do.
I don't know, I guess we always had it at our house.
I just, I, what I love about Long Island is there's an unending well, just a deep well of patriotism.
Yeah, well, look, after 9-11, we went driving around just honking our horns, just uh, waving flags.
Just, you know, it was fun.
I mean, like, it was it was look, I'm not saying it was worth it, uh, but it was nice.
Fourth of July Reflections00:06:34
Yeah.
Well, we bang, there are people that bang pots and pans now for nurses that can't hear them.
Yeah, I mean, I live in Brooklyn.
I'm here every apparently, they cheer every day.
I've never heard this.
Uh, I haven't left my apartment in two and a half, three months.
I love if you went out and you started banging a pot or a pan, you would be immediately arrested.
The cops would be like, get in the fucking car.
You'd be like, I'm doing this for the heroes.
You'd be like, get the fuck in this car.
He's talking about his nurse.
I think he's part of the he's trying to kill this nurse with a pot.
He's got a weapon.
Yeah.
They shoot you three times.
He's got a weapon.
I'm trying to do this for the fucking heroes.
I mean, look, what's going on?
I mean, I think we're at we're at a third of what we were at the peak in New York.
I stopped.
I kind of went through.
Wherever I was a month and a half ago, I kind of know about as much.
I kind of stopped listening to anything.
I know a few, and they're starting to try to reopen this shit.
So we're probably going to go right back into a pandemic.
Look at these split.
Yeah, I just don't know if the people or the system of government, I don't know what is worth saving here.
Oh, that's a great point.
Because here's the thing.
We have handled this so poorly on every do we have to do this?
Do we have to ruin the economy?
No, if any of us were reasonable, I mean, if Trump and his cronies had gotten tests, but also if people had just like stayed home on St. Patty's Day, it would have saved a lot of lives, right?
Not drinking green beer and eggs or whatever they do.
Yeah, but people don't want to live.
I mean, that's really the crux of it.
People in this country have a death wish and they're allowed to have it and they should have it.
What do we have to live for?
Right.
Right.
Maybe what is look, there's it's one thing.
People have this image of Rome where like the Huns and Attila was on the footsteps of Rome and it was all and like we won't, we don't mind going out like that in the blades of glory.
They forget that there was hundreds of years of kind of decay and like, you know, losing your grip before that happened.
And that's what we're in.
Like it's no fun being in the gradual freefall.
Yeah.
There was hundreds of years in Rome of payday loans and bad baby and fucking whatever version, just the dumbing down of everybody and types giving people fucking epilepsy or whatever.
Yeah, just the plays being bad, you know, whatever Roman version of theater they had, people being like, these suck now.
These used to be funny.
I mean, it's a tiger eating a fucking, I don't know, like a fucking no more Chris.
They stopped eating the Chris.
That's the problem.
For a while, they were eating the Christians and people like that.
But then they started becoming Christian and like, no one, who wants this?
We want fucking...
Rome was founded on like, let's kill each other.
Let's get some blood in our hands.
And they come up with Jesus and it's like, what?
No.
We crucified this guy.
What are we doing?
Yeah.
We got rid of him.
Jesus, or as we call him today, Andrew Cuomo.
Right.
Oh, maybe don't kill your grim.
The idea that like I knew that I was like having a cosmic break or like a split with humanity when like people I know and respected.
Thank God not you because we're usually on the same page.
But people I know and liked were like, you gotta watch Andrew Cuomo's speech.
It is the most inspirational thing you'll ever see.
And I watched it and I'm like, what the fuck are these people talking about?
The bar is so low now.
Look, if you go back and watch Jack Kennedy, John F. Kennedy, President Kennedy, the speeches were well written.
You know, Charles Goodwit or whatever, whoever he had writing for him, there were good speeches.
It was barely inspiring.
Obama was pretty good.
And they blow away this fucking meatball peddler.
All right.
This guy.
But you also can't blame people because they're just impressed that someone isn't literally calling someone, you know, the N-word on national television.
You know, he does it behind the scenes, though, Cuomo.
Watch the governor right now.
He has not said the N-word.
This is Alita.
This is somebody we can all get behind.
He says it behind closed doors with his family.
I bet you he says it plenty during a Suite 16 of Knights of Columbus.
Right.
When he's goosing 17-year-old girls.
Dirty Andrew Cuomo.
Let's start a rumor that Andrew Cuomo is a pedophile.
But only over 16 and over.
He's not the other type.
Yeah.
He's in a hebophile or whatever they call it.
Let's start something called Meatball Gate about the Cuomo brothers and say that they're both running a human trafficking ring.
They have a thing where they hold a meatball between each other's cocks and then the girl has to come and eat the meatball.
You have no idea what the Cuomo boys do.
They have something called sausage and peppers.
Okay.
You know what sausage and peppers is?
When they take their dicks and they're both fucking a girl and then they start cutting her skin up with knives.
So it's like onions and peppers.
They're sick, the Cuomo boys.
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, his brother, is he still like, like, dying in a basement somewhere in like Westchester?
The whole thing was fake.
He claimed to have coronavirus and he claimed to cure it by stretching.
He was like, I do these breathing exercises and it's not just breathe.
You have to really breathe.
Oh, I'm like, what is he talking about?
He's a silver halide.
Yeah.
And then like two days later, he's like dancing in his house and every, I mean, it's like, listen, I don't, I need to see the test result.
I, I, I smell a rat.
No, sure.
Look, uh, Idris Alba probably didn't have it.
Tom Hanks didn't like, you know, I think it's a real thing.
I do think some of these celebrities, you know, they just fucking said, hey, you know, we need to calm people down.
Why don't you go do a little Skype channel thing?
Do you think Boris Johnson had it or you think he just spent a few days in a hotel?
That dumb fuck wouldn't stop shaking the hands of like dying patients.
He probably did have it.
He's old school British.
He's going to the third world and like kissing fucking third world people like lepers, you know?
You died for the British Empire.
Questioning Official Narratives00:05:24
Yeah.
Congratulations.
All octo walk around Mumbai and just kiss, kiss legless, legless women.
They're thankful for Britain.
They're thankful for it.
And to make sure they know how lucky they are, I give them a big wet kiss.
They have one tooth in their mouth and I'll lick it.
Yeah, he's a he's an interesting character.
What's your prediction?
Friends of David Cameron, right?
Like he was in one of the same prep schools and everything.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, yeah.
He like he's fucking street trying.
He pretends to be this fucking like man of the people kind of guy.
He literally went to like the same exact fucking, like, was it Wharton over there?
Are you telling me?
Are you telling me that the ruling class has split off into two groups, one that pretends to be men of the people and one that are clearly comfortable being not men of the people, and yet they're both rich, they both protect each other and they both propagate the same policies largely?
I'm, whoa.
I don't have any proof yet, but.
Go watch the Blue Angels and get proud of being an American.
Those guys dropped bombs on people and murdered them.
They killed all those people that were going to kill us.
All those people in Vietnam that were going to come here and kill your family.
They killed them, all those kids.
Was it impressive when you saw it?
I mean, not really even then.
I think as a kid, you barely care.
You're a kid.
You don't give a fuck.
You just want to go smoke weed.
You know?
You just want to get high.
You don't care about what the fucking Blue Angels are doing.
I love the displays of patriotism in Long Island are particularly hysterical.
What I love is like, you look at Russians.
We bought a bunch of Americans again recently.
And like, you know, like people who were alive during World War II from Russia, like they embrace like how brutal, like we lost 40 million people.
Like we're all just eating shit and fucking, you know, like eating rocks.
America, like the height of patriotism was like the first Gulf War when like no one died.
Like that's patriotism in America.
Absolutely no sacrifice.
Yeah.
Like Blackhawk Down, like I think we lost 10 guys and killed a thousand and people found that depressing.
They went through a deep depression because of that.
And then we pulled out.
Like it's a, it's really a real cuck kind of patriotism.
Yeah, it's the greatest, the greatest war was the Gulf War because it's a guy that we installed, put into power, supported, armed, tried to take out, didn't take him out.
Like, like, and then going into Kuwait.
Yeah, right.
Right.
Tricked him into going into Kuwait, right?
With Operation Gladio.
I always do, yeah.
But also, didn't the fucking Rumsfeld or whoever give him the nod?
Yeah.
Fine, go ahead.
We basically implied like we wouldn't care if we had people in Kuwait.
Just do what you got to do.
We just want the oil.
Who gives a shit for you?
Just say you're doing Blue Angels flyover.
Just say you're trying to inspire the people.
I mean, people give shit to Trump about having a military parade or whatever, but what's the Blue Angels?
Right, right.
I just love the idea of like, remember Jet Blue started doing that low flyover over New York City for coronavirus and everybody was like, everyone thought 9-11 was happening?
They're like, what the fuck is wrong with JetBlue?
Look, I mean, it's dumb on their part, but also like after the fifth day, we knew, oh, planes aren't going to hit us again.
They never did in the first place, probably.
It's probably the CIA.
Can you stop being such fucking cucks that you're afraid of 9-11 again?
You already got the virus thing going.
They're not going to fucking bomb.
They're not going to fly a plane to a building.
You just imagine like somewhere in Langley, Virginia, they're doing a pitch meeting.
And they're like, what about more planes?
We got a virus.
It's great.
What we got right now is great.
They don't leave their houses.
They're terrified.
They're going to let us put chips in their ass.
Like, we don't need any planes.
It's just a disappointed CIA guy.
He's got two planes.
Like, he worked hard on this mock-up.
And he's just like, he just walks out of the room and he's like, fuck, you know?
He's like, fuck, it's all the Germ people now.
That's all they care about is the Germ people.
He's like, I entrapped three Muslim guys last week.
No one cares.
He called up Larry Silver scene.
Like, sorry, Larry, it's a no-go.
Larry, it's a no-go.
We tried.
We tried.
He's like, he's like, I handed three Muslim guys anthrax last week.
No one cares.
No one cares because of this bat disease who came up with this, you know?
I mean, we're just having fun, folks.
It's an entertaining program.
We don't believe any of this.
We believe everything that we're told.
Michael Hastings was a fucking drunk.
He was a drunk.
I love that.
I love like going overboard where you're like, you're trying to back the official narrative, but then you go like, you're like, JFK had it coming.
And I mean that a random guy killed him.
JFK was a rapist and he sold out this country.
And what I mean by that, I mean, what do you think happens with the sum?
What kind of summer are you expecting to have?
Late Night Cereal Talk00:15:40
Not much.
I might, depending on the situation, Uber out to Long Island, see some people if it's like, you know, open.
But we're pretty much staying inside.
I mean, I'm working from home right now.
Honestly, like the time blurs for me.
It's kind of weird.
Like it's, I mean, I have a balcony.
So it's not like I'm just in a light.
I'm not like in a lightless room like I used to be.
I have a sense of time, but I won't be going.
Yeah, I'm not going to be barbecuing every weekend.
I just love the idea that somebody calls you to check up on you and they're like, hey, how are you doing?
And you're like, I'm not in a lightless room like I used to be.
I have a sense of time.
I have a sense of time now.
And it's like, it's like, what kind of Game of Thrones answer is that?
Like, the three-eyed raven has seen the future.
And the future is the Blue Angels will fly over Long Island and fat people will say the N-word.
Right.
But yeah, I mean, I see myself being a little more careful than a lot of people probably.
Well, we both are not small.
No, yeah.
You know, not particularly healthy.
Not particularly healthy.
I mean, I'm trying.
It's very hard.
It's very difficult.
Right.
But it's what it is.
So I'm not going to venture out too much.
I'm going to maybe do these meals where they send you the meal.
Well, like Blue Apron?
Yes, but that you cook.
They have ones where it's like meal prep.
You just buy a bunch of meals.
It's like $9 or $10 a meal and you just heat them up and eat them.
That's not bad.
I mean, what's the company?
We'll talk about it later.
There's a bunch of them.
None of them are sponsoring the show, so I'm not advertising any of them.
No, 100%.
Yeah.
Eat Magic Spoon cereal.
You ever eat Magic Spoon Keto Cereal?
Is it good?
No, it tastes like Fruit Loops.
You like Fruit Loops?
Sure.
So if you eat Magic Spoon, it's Fruit Loops, but it's none of the guilt.
What's in it?
How do you eat it?
Do we have a Magic Spoon ad this week?
We do.
What?
Is it meat?
It's a meat cereal, yes.
No, I'm dead serious.
It's dried jerky meat.
Wow.
It's dried jerky meat and they toss it into fruit dust.
Fruit dust, but fruit's got sugar in it.
But it's not fruit.
It's meat that tastes like fruit.
So he's eating meat with milk?
It's a meat.
Wait, wait, hold on.
It's meat milk.
They call it meat milk.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm joking with you, but what I am telling you is about magicspoon.com slash Tim Dylan.
But what's in it?
What are they making it?
They take monk fruit and they use it to sweeten the cereal.
That's what's the bread part?
What?
It's like, instead of grain, what is it?
Parmesan cheese?
It's other things.
It's a high-fat keto paleo.
Everything's okay.
That's what it is.
Everything's okay.
I'm sure it's fine.
I'm just asking.
It's fine.
Because what's good about it is you can eat it without the guilt because it's fat and not sugar.
Fat is good and sugar is bad.
Right.
No, I'm totally, I'm totally in.
So it's basically chicken skin that's been fried and rolled into a circle.
It is deep-fried pork products.
Okay, it's pork rinds.
It's pork rinds that have been made into cereal.
That sounds like, I wouldn't think it would go well with milk, but I mean, I like pork.
It's choo-chaton.
Have you ever had chucharon?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's my throat.
But no, I'm adjusted.
I'm kidding.
Magic spoon is a great cereal.
Everybody loves it.
If you're on a keto or paleo diet, it's an easy meal replacement.
What you're able to do is eat it late at night, not feel guilty.
If you need something to taste sweet, they use high-quality sweetness like monk fruit.
You go to magic spoon.com slash Tim Dylan and grab a variety pack and try it today.
That's magicspoon.com/slash Tim Dylan.
And then you buy it right from the...
Now, Ray, it is a little pricey.
It's $10.
But what is your health?
What?
How many boxes?
No, it's for you get a box for $10.
Look, meat's not cheap.
So I get it.
It's not meat, but it's high protein.
What do you think?
Just because they call it cereal, it's going to be cheap.
It's steak.
It's file mignot.
You're eating.
It's a ribeye in every bite.
It's a fruity ribeye in every bite.
Don't be cheap about it.
Fucking go out and buy it.
You want a nice treat?
It's going to cost you.
I hope they change their motto to just because we call it cereal, don't mean it ate steak.
It's fucking stick.
That's the way you got to look at it.
It's a great way to phrase it, right?
You got to look at it like that.
It isn't cereal as much as it is a bowl of high-protein, very healthy food.
Right.
Like steak.
It reminds you of your childhood, but it's actually a recently killed goat.
Yes.
And what's good about it is that you're able to enjoy nostalgia.
Exactly.
But what I never liked about cereal is that it was never butchered first.
Yes.
This is butchered and drained of its blood by being hung upside down.
Right.
Is it kosher?
Or they killed like a dirty animal.
It's clean and I believe halal and kosher.
Okay, so they have to like hang it up by its fucking foot and cut its neck.
Yeah, they do every they don't.
The animal doesn't know it's dying.
It's slaughtered and then made into a cereal somewhere in a lab.
The animal never knows it's going to be cereal.
I think they have a talk with it first, but they explain to it that we have such a weight problem in this country.
They're dying for the much like those children with Boris Johnson.
Yes.
Dying for the empire.
Here's what I will say.
The magic spoon slash Tim Dylan, all kidding aside, I enjoy the cereal.
I tell everyone about it.
It's great to get healthy.
There's a lot of people out there that want to get healthy, but need to eat a sugar cereal, like for a child.
It's true.
There's a lot of people that are deeply committed to health, but can't not eat cocoa puffs.
You're the kind of person who decides I'm going to lose a few hundred pounds, but still be fat, but lose a few hundred pounds and like has to do it eating strange husk oat pancakes.
Yes.
You might want to try magic spoon.
Yes, absolutely.
We follow some fat people on Facebook who are what they do is they're losing weight by like substitute, like eating the most unhealthy things, but substituting like almond flour and then just still making like pancakes with whipped cream every morning with caramel sauce, but they use like low sugar caramel sauce.
And it's like, you're still fat.
It's like, it's a Crisco, but with caraway seeds in it.
Right.
We should really honestly, how great would it be if we became like serial killers who killed fat people?
That's a great pitch.
We should pitch that show.
We're so disgusted by other fat.
By the way, and you'll back me up on this.
Is anyone more hostile to fat people more than other fat people?
No, but especially when you start losing weight, even if you lose five pounds, you become disgusted by people who are less fat than you.
Yes.
I'm telling you right now, I've been fat for a lot for a long time.
The hatred I have of other fat people, there's no way thin people hate fat people as much as I do.
There's no way.
There's no way.
Because thin people don't see themselves in a fat person.
They don't care.
But when I see a fat person, I'm like, oh, fuck you.
Stop wearing that Pugsley shirt.
Take care of yourself.
Like me and Ray went to the Pizza Buffet in Long Island and we saw all these other fat people walk in and we're like, what a disgusting country.
Meanwhile, we're just like fucking dripping pizza sauce into our recorder.
Yeah.
We're like, what a disgusting country.
The guy who helped us do that episode is now having a baby.
Oh, is he?
Yeah, he's having a baby.
Can we not say his name on here?
I don't know.
I don't want to say his name.
Okay.
Yeah, he also, I heard them things about his steaks.
Right, same guy, right?
Steaks.
Didn't you have an episode where you were, I don't want to get into it.
What?
He's eating a steak and he fucking got mad about it.
Well, he could over, he cooked a well-done steak for me, and I didn't, I thought it was rude, and I thought it should have been called out.
Yeah, but now he's having a baby.
So, you know, it's nice.
Good for him.
Is he going to keep it?
They don't know.
She's like four or five months in.
They're going to make the decision in a few months.
They're going to do a late-term thing.
I might do one like eight or nine months in.
Just go in there and get it.
Yeah, I mean, look, why not wait and see if it's going to be a good-looking baby?
Maybe he's got a great dick.
Maybe it's fucking a pretty baby.
You know, why are you going to like, you know, dump your dump your hand before, you know?
What if he, what if, what, what if, literally, what if the first thing he said to the doctor, he looked at the doctor, he goes, you know, we were going to kill it, but it's got a great dick.
Doctor's like, ah, should I report these people?
Did you see what Hillary doctor?
What'd you say?
My mom always tells me that I, as a baby, had a great dick.
Well, the doctor, when he circumcised me, he used two forceps.
Is that true?
So she tells me.
What a great anecdote to share with people.
Thank you.
That's the way you should start your college commencement speech.
My mother said when I was a baby, the doctor, I knew you two forceps to circumcise my dick.
She also had a friend in her prayer group.
I might mention this on an old episode who would confided to her in her church prayer group that she would, when her baby would cry, not because she wanted to, you know, for her own sexual gratification, but her baby wouldn't stop crying.
And the only way she could get it to stop crying was to suck a stick.
No.
Yes, no.
100%.
This is what I've been told by women of the cloth.
Ray, we're trying to advertise and make money here.
What do you mean?
What do you mean that some woman in a prayer group said that?
My mom was part of what they called a charismatic prayer group.
What is a charismatic prayer group?
It's not what it sounds like.
They would get together and they would pray very intently for one thing to happen.
So like, so we would win the Iraq war or whatever.
I mean, this is the 80s probably.
So that, you know, Michael Jackson would make, you know, another great album with anything.
You know, Grenada would be with the Operation Grenada would go well, whatever.
So, you know, they would get together.
And then I guess during the coffee break or whatever, this woman confided to my mother that her baby, like, you know, I just couldn't get him to stop crying.
And it was driving me crazy.
And look, you know, like some people go so crazy from the baby crying that they shove it in the freezer and they kill it.
It's a thing.
It's traumatic to some mothers.
So, but in this case, she didn't kill me.
How many people?
How many people are putting the baby in a freezer?
Because according to like, you know, Sally Jesse Raphael, at least five.
Okay.
I remember seeing these people on the panel.
But it happens.
I'm not saying it's common.
So I'm not saying it's common for what this woman did, but she went a different direction.
She said, look, I just, I realized I was just trying different things.
I put this penis in my mouth and it stopped crying.
So now I do that.
Did your mother report her?
No, I think she told, I mean, I would have.
And my mom didn't think it was, you know, she wasn't supportive of it.
She probably should have reported her.
But I don't think that this woman was getting off on it, but it's not good.
It's definitely rape.
How do I talk about Rich Wallet now?
Well, I mean, look, you're going to need a good lawyer if you're in that situation.
So keep his card in your rich wallet.
I mean, the horrors of the world are what people confide to each other in prayer groups are.
I mean, these are all the churches we need to reopen, by the way.
These are all the churches that need their essential.
We need to reopen them.
Make sure you fucking don't social distance from his dick, I guess.
Jesus.
Raymond Cump.
I mean, you are.
We're going to let you go.
You're an amazing character.
Thank you so much.
Tell the people.
Tell the people where to find.
I just can't.
I don't know that we can legally top that story on the air.
So you can find me at Ray Cump on Twitter and Instagram.
The podcast is Cump.
Yeah, up.
We'll come back this weekend.
And the Patreon is ramping up.
I'm making up for lost time.
So don't worry about that.
We're going to have a week of Cump or something like, you know, it's going to be a cavalcade of.
Did you hear about this new show where there's a, it's in the UK.
It's called Labor of Love.
And there's going to be like a bunch of people living in a house competing to impregnate a 41-year-old woman.
I mean, can I get into that?
I mean, but aren't the chances of the baby being born with something wrong when you're 41 so much higher?
They're definitely higher.
But I mean, what's one more fucking, you know, fucked up baby?
Who cares?
I mean, you know, like the show is going to make millions of dollars.
You're going to tell me that like, so we'll take care of the baby.
They probably have accountants and lawyers like, all right, so we have to like pay for a scholarship for this kid to go to like second grade, and then that's it?
Whatever.
We have a second grade scholarship.
It's going to get a lot worse than that.
That's all I'm saying.
Let's save some outrage.
It's going to get a lot worse than that.
If you're offended by that, just know it's going to get a lot worse than that.