Tim describes a perfect Easter lunch on this warm, uplifting episode of The Tim Dillon Show. Enjoy your Sunday! Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: https://hawthorne.co/ use promo code TIM Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Twitter - http://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Tim J Dillon Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Tim D
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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A Formative Period in My Life00:04:52
I just wish it was like 9-11.
9-11 in comparison to this was so nice.
It was so, first of all, it was the fall.
It was the fall and you know the holidays were coming.
And yes, you felt unsafe.
And yes, your friend's dad died.
And yes, you went to a lot of candlelit vigils, but you could be together.
You could hug each other, kiss people on the cheek.
You could sit in the bar.
The booze was flowing and the food and you could go out and be together.
There was humanity.
There were displays of compassion all around.
I just wish it was like 9-11 in the fall, eating pumpkin muffins, talking about all the bombs we were going to drop on the evildoers.
It was such a nice time.
It was so simple.
There were evil people who had done an act of unspeakable cruelty.
And there were good boys and girls in Long Island, New York, who are going to go to school and try to figure this world out because we were young and we had promise when this shit happens when you're 35 and you realize you're fucked.
You were almost fucked before the pandemic.
It's not fun.
A crisis is not fun in your mid-30s.
It's okay when you're 17 because you have so much to learn.
It's okay.
You're 17.
You're like, I'm becoming a person.
This is a formative period in my life.
I mean, it's like at this point, I'm oscillating between friends who think the virus is fake and friends who desperately want to get the virus because they want Instagram followers.
They want attention.
I got two types of people calling me.
People telling me the virus doesn't exist and I'm falling for propaganda and people that think they have the virus and want to just tell people they have the virus because they need fucking attention.
They're praying for corona.
These are the two groups of people I have in my life in their mid-30s just waiting for the guillotine to drop.
I just wish it was like 9-11.
It was so nice and simple and I was so young.
I didn't understand anything about the world.
And I started reading Thomas Friedman, who wrote for the New York Times.
And he doesn't understand anything about the world, but I thought he did because I was 17.
And he would write stupid things like the world has gone from interconnected to hyperconnected.
And I would go, fuck, I'm smart.
I get it.
And then you grow the fuck up and you realize that nobody has any clue what's going on.
And life is truly a waste of time.
The articles are a waste of time.
The tweet threads are a waste of time.
It is truly all just something to do.
There's no way to contextualize anything.
Nothing makes fucking sense.
Throw open the doors to the church if that's where you find yourself.
And I don't blame you.
Whatever you got to do.
If you find yourself in an anarchist vegan compound in fucking Portland because you're a communist witch and that's the only way you can stay sane, God love you.
No judgment from me.
I've given up right and wrong, Republican, Democrat, left and right.
It's all disgusting.
We're all just germs waiting to go bye-bye.
Statistics are stupid.
People are genuinely insane.
And I don't mean fun insane.
I mean, no, genuinely rubber room, danger to themselves and others insane.
And you share a country with them.
And they have a vote and you have a vote.
And I don't know how that works.
I don't understand how that all works long term.
And the people with the money and the power have taken the last train out and they've shut the lights off and they've grabbed everything they can and they took the last flight out and left you standing on the tarmac.
And what did you think they wouldn't?
You thought you were getting any of that $2 trillion?
Good luck, baby.
You're getting $600 or $1,200, depending on what fake tax bracket you're in.
And it's all fine.
The Last Train Out00:14:29
We're in the end of winter, the worst time, the beginning of spring.
March is the worst month, and it always has been the worst month because you understand how bad February is going to be.
It's going to be cold.
It'll suck.
It feels like forever.
And then you get to March and you have all this false hope.
And then March is just a rainy, allergy-filled hellscape.
Where if everybody didn't have Corona, they think they have Corona because everybody wakes up with a sniffle or a cough or post-nasal drip because it is fucking March, the worst month in the world.
You're just sick.
You're sick of it.
And you need the sun and the heat and the summer.
You know, you need that time when you could just, you know, take a little breath.
Take a little breath.
Step away.
Go to your beach club.
Go to someone else's beach club.
Go find a friend with a boat.
Go trade up.
Go find a friend with a little more going on than you have so you can enjoy the summer.
You can't enjoy the summer unless you make friends with a little bit of money.
Let's get real.
The summer's not for the poor.
It ain't.
Never has been.
I know you saw some movie about somebody swimming in a creek.
That ain't real anymore.
That's not real.
The quickest, the creek is sewage now.
So if you don't have a friend with a beach house, you're fucked.
You're in a public pool where people are shitting and they're bleeding from their AIDS legions.
Not me, buddy.
Oh, I'm going to make a friend with a big boat.
Nice big pool and a plump cheeseburger.
I put my fat face.
And I'll sing and dance for it.
I'll sing and dance and I'll make all the funny anecdotes.
I'll make all the anecdotes they want.
I'll make all the anecdotes they want.
As long as I can visit their pool or their beach.
Because that's really what the summer is.
You got to trade up in the summer.
Get the losers away in the summer.
I don't care how you made your money.
I don't care if you sold masks to nurses outside of the ER.
I want that pool.
I don't care.
I don't care how much blood money it took to get this house in the Hamptons.
I'm not going to a public pool or, God forbid, a beach club.
The refuge of the middle class.
No cops and firefighters for me this summer.
Get out of here.
No Italians and Irish, Jews and wasps.
I don't give a fuck about this pan fuck endemic.
If I'm alive, I'm going to get a rich fucking friend for the summer.
You better take a look at your social circle and think of all of you fuckers, who's going to be left and who's going to have a little coin.
I've been trying to donate to coronavirus and it is very difficult.
And I'll tell you why.
They don't need money as much as they need supplies.
They need masks.
They need ventilators.
I cannot make a ventilator in my West Hollywood apartment.
I lack the skill.
I lack the material.
I don't know what it is.
Could I make masks?
I don't know, but I don't think I can.
And the masks that I make would just be insulting.
It would be stupid.
So anticipating that this is a larger economic problem, of course, that impacts lots of people.
I guess somebody told me today they said you could just donate to a food bank.
And all right, but guys, guys, guys.
How sexy is donating to a food bank?
Let's get real.
Does anybody want to donate anonymously to a food bank?
I want to donate to something where I can show the world that I'm doing it so I can inspire them.
I want a photo of me outside Cedar Sinai.
I want two doctors and a nurse crouched on the floor holding their stethoscopes and I want to be behind them with my hand on each of their backs.
And I want that photo.
I don't need to go anonymously donate to a food bank.
I want something big, something glossy, a little sexy.
A little sexy.
I know they're going through it, doctors and nurses.
I know that.
I know that.
And it fucking sucks out there.
And I want to help them.
But I also want to be photographed doing it.
And if that makes me a bad person, fine.
If that makes, if you don't want to listen to the show anymore, then fine.
I want to be photographed helping.
I'm not saying I need a documentary about me helping.
That wouldn't be horrible either.
But I want to still photograph, or a few of them, of me helping in whatever capacity I help.
I want, that's all.
So if there's a way for me to help that is a little sexy, please let me know.
A little bit of a photo op.
I appreciate all the first responders and nurses and doctors taking time away from patients to send me messages on Instagram.
So I know what's going on for my show.
I appreciate that.
Don't stop.
Keep sending those messages.
Just keep sending them.
Doesn't matter what the hell's going on in there.
Keep me abreast of all the local developments on the ground, please.
It's another pandemic.
All my relatives are going to somehow survive.
Great.
9-11, the financial crisis.
Every kind of cancer.
They're unbeatable, these people.
The boomers are, you can't get them.
Can't get them.
They're going to walk around like Lazarus raised from the dead, complaining about the temperature of shrimp.
What's wrong?
Did you leave it out for too long?
I'm telling you, you're not going to beat the boomer.
Do people think this is this virus, the boomer remover?
Think not.
It'll get some people, and that's fucking tragic.
But the boomers are going to be back, and they're going to be back with a vengeance.
This is their Holocaust.
There will be.
You think the boomers were bad before?
They are going to talk about COVID-19 the way people talk about Kristallnacht.
I'm telling you.
They're not going to let it go.
You think they were annoying before?
These motherfuckers are going to go hard.
They're going to go hard.
They'll tell a nurse right to her face that she doesn't know shit.
They'll be like, well, you don't even, well, where were you?
I was a nurse on the front line.
The front lines are what?
You're young.
I was old in my house having to be racist in my home and not at the local restaurant.
They're not going anywhere, folks.
The boomies are not going anywhere.
I'm reading a lot of things where they are saying that the 2.2 million expected death total is a little high.
They might be revising that down, but they also think, you know, obviously day to day, it's a fucking nightmare.
And I have a lot of fucking people that listen to the show that are out there in the trenches.
And I fucking respect you guys, and I appreciate it.
And I wish I could help you, but I can't legally can't leave the house.
So I will send a tweet.
I will do a story on Instagram and I will even maybe do a TikTok dance.
But I can't leave the home.
But I will donate money or I will do something.
I want to order you guys food.
I want to do something for you.
I'm providing you a lot of entertainment.
Let's be honest.
Let's get real here.
There's not a lot of shows doing it like we're doing it right now.
They're actually funny.
It's a lot of garbage.
There's a lot of collaboration.
People on Zoom and everything.
And you can't hear anything.
First of all, enough with the guests.
Enough with the guests.
If you need, stop, broadcast.
Give us your opinion.
You don't need the same 30 comedians interviewing each other over and over again until the planet explodes.
Have a thought and articulate it.
You're asking people to pay you money.
How about that?
How'd you get into comedy?
Shut up.
End times, you goon.
Enough with the guests.
No, I don't want to collaborate.
I don't want to collaborate with you in a pandemic.
I'm going to collaborate in a pandemic?
No.
Everybody retreat to your corners.
Do your own thing.
You're going to have a lot of pandemic friendships.
People are going to call you that you never speak to, and you're going to be like, am I friends with this person?
And you might be, but it's a pandemic friendship.
There's going to be pandemic relationships.
You're going to start fucking somebody that's near you because it's a pandemic.
You know, I tend to believe that relationships aren't the most valuable when they only make themselves known during a period of absolute and utter desperation and crisis.
You know what I mean?
I tend to think in order to find out who your real friends are, free associations needed, the ability to leave your home, those small benefits of being able to walk down the street and meet other people and stand closer than six feet away from them.
So just be a little careful.
Be a little careful with the pandemic collaborations, the disease friendships you're making.
Just, we get it.
Don't be upset when they lift the travel restrictions and that person travels the fuck out of your life.
That's all.
Don't be don't be afraid to look at things with, you know, your head right now, as well as your heart.
What are the totals?
We do this every episode.
We do this not to be crass and not to, you know, but to just figure out where we are.
This is Thursday.
This episode is going as Saturday night, early Sunday morning.
I guess everything could change in a day or two, but this is the most recent totals we have of sick cases.
We do the world and then we do the United States of America.
And I am fucking bummed that New Orleans is having a time of it down there because other than New York, it is my favorite city and I love it.
We have a total of 532,224 cases in the world and a total of 2022.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What?
532,224?
Okay.
Does that sound right?
Yeah.
And then deaths, we have 24,087.
For the U.S., right now, we are at 85,594 cases.
Total deaths, 1,300.
Okay.
Because you hear the numbers.
Here's the thing with this.
You hear the numbers and you go, everything's about what could happen and what might happen.
Because if you look at the numbers and you're like, why do we have a morgue if there's only been a certain amount of deaths?
You know, like, why do we have a frozen morgue ready to go?
Why are we converting?
You know, why can't we handle, because more people die than this.
We're talking about 1,300.
But I think it's the expectation that this thing gets so brutal and so ugly and so many people end up dying that like Italy, you're not going to be able to have funerals.
And it is fucking deeply tragic that that shit could be happening.
Because I get it, guys.
I'm getting frustrated with the social distancing.
I'm getting very frustrated.
I want to fucking leave my apartment.
I mean, I do.
I walk around and stuff, but like I've had enough.
Dude, I've spent the last decade doing stand-up comedy and I spent the last decade traveling, traveling all over the place to a point where the majority of my day when I wasn't traveling was just complaining about traveling as to how horrible it is to travel.
Okay.
My life, coughs and colds and shoving Dayquil down my throat and Advil cold and sinus and sniffles and the plane and everything, the germs.
And that was my entire fucking existence.
And now I'm locked, locked down, locked down.
I'm only able to podcast.
And then you fall into the internet.
You fall into the black hole, the abyss.
You know, I like performing.
I like people after shows coming up to me, shaking my hand to going, hey, that was great.
Or, hey, I'm a big fan.
You see the human face of people.
You lose that.
When you're inside and you're online, you lose that.
You lose that there's fucking real people out there that connect with what you're doing.
I appreciate all the messages and shit you guys send online, you know, but it's so, I'm just, it's, I'm just, I'm so envious of the nurses and the doctors that get to leave their house every day.
They're so lucky.
I hope they realize how lucky they are.
I hope they truly appreciate how lucky they are.
The nurses and the doctors and the first responders that get to just gallivant wherever the fuck they want.
I'm just, I just hope they realize what a unique position they're in.
That's all.
That's all I'm saying.
And listen, let's talk about the economy for a minute.
I don't want to sound heartless.
I don't want to sound heartless.
But let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you a question.
Is it inappropriate to ask that somebody on a ventilator work?
Is it inappropriate for me to suggest there are jobs you can do while you're on a ventilator?
Is it wrong?
I'm dead serious.
Why not?
If you're intubated and you have tubes and a machine is breathing for you and you're in a medically induced coma, is there nothing you can do?
I mean, I don't know.
Is It Wrong to Work on a Ventilator00:14:18
I'm not an expert, but I know the economy is paramount and everyone's concern.
You know, Domino striked.
Of course, I'm kidding for you idiots out there that are probably like, yeah, he's right.
He's right about Dan.
Don't write about it.
Hey, what did I should be working?
Yeah.
When are they going to open up Chick-fil-A?
After all this is done and after the nurses wore the garbage bags and after everybody dies, there's people going to be like singing that Lee Greenwood song.
It's going to be so fun.
I'm proud to be an American or at least I know I'm free.
Yeah.
Great.
But that's the thing.
The economy.
Trump says we're going to have the churches full by Easter.
They'll call it, if that happens, they'll call it the Easter Massacre.
Just like killing everybody on Easter.
You know?
Doctors say that this thing is fucking unpredictable in every imaginable way.
You don't know how it really affects you.
You could be healthy and drop dead.
You could be unhealthy and it could be okay.
You could be old.
You could be young.
It doesn't, you know, they don't know anything about it.
They don't truly have a real understanding of this.
It's all pretty much based on averages and numbers.
And China's full of shit.
I mean, so Rogan sent me an article the other night, which I don't know if it's making the rounds.
Ben's going to pull it up where it says China's missing 21 million cell phone users.
They just went offline.
It was in Bloomberg.
If you know anything about China, you know that their cell phones are a way to track the population.
So, you know, cell phone is pretty important in that country, especially that government.
They want you to have a phone.
They want you to have a phone so they could find out what the fuck you're up to.
So China mobile subscriptions fell by more than 8 million over January and February.
Data on the company's website show.
China Umicom, Hong Kong subscribers fell by 7.8 million in this period, while China Telecom Corp has lost 5.6 million users last month.
Are we saying, does this mean that the death totals are much higher and that they're running 24-hour crematoriums and they are just burning bodies?
I don't know.
I'm asking a question.
I'm saying, does this mean that the death total is so much higher, so much higher?
Now they're like, Spain has more deaths than China.
It's like, wait, what?
Really?
That's what they're saying.
Look it up.
Doesn't make any fucking sense.
Or maybe not more deaths, but more cases.
What are they saying?
So on the World Ometer, we have 81,000 in China and 57,000 in Spain.
Deaths.
Oh, but deaths, yeah, by like 2,000 more.
Yeah, 1,500 more.
No way.
Dude, I call bluff.
There's no way.
China's juking those numbers.
China.
I know what you do.
You.
You're good, you.
China is taking people and throwing them in the furnace.
By the way, you know why their cases went down?
Because if you go report a case, they go, oh, thanks.
Hold on.
You know, when you go into a doctor and they sit you on the little thing and they go, they take your blood pressure.
They go, hold on.
The doctor's going to come in.
It'll be in a minute.
If you complain of COVID symptoms, the Chinese guy goes, yeah, hold on.
The doctor will be in a minute.
And then the military comes in, they shoot you in the face.
I mean, there's no way.
I mean, like, if you're reporting those symptoms right now, they are not even listening.
They are not hearing that.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
They are going to put the gun in your throat.
Yeah.
They're going to pretend this is some thermometers.
You're going to look at it.
It's going to be a gun.
They're done.
China's done with this shit.
They're like, we're done with coronavirus.
Next.
They don't give a fuck.
Hey, guys, got to be honest with you.
Maybe it's not the worst attitude.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I flippity-flop.
I'm on the fence here.
You know, we cannot, we cannot sit in our homes for six months.
I know some people think we can because they have no idea how the economy works.
And they're masturbating all day.
They think this is fun.
They're eating pancakes and just whacking it.
And they're like, this is great.
What's everyone's problem?
Some of us like to get out and do something.
Doesn't mean do it tomorrow.
We're not going there.
But I'm saying eventually we need to kind of get out.
We can't just have fucking, we can't all be sitting here waiting for martial law forever.
You know, looking out the windows, going, when are the tanks going to roll down the street?
We don't want to burden the hospitals.
I get it.
You know?
But you still have to keep your eye on the prize.
Think event, you know, when things are good in the summer, you can eat some baked clamps.
And you know what's great about this country?
If the death toll is not as bad, you know, you're just going to be out to dinner all summer with people that are like, I fucking told you.
I told you it was fake.
So it's like, almost like, what's more annoying?
Going out to dinner with those people or just let's take a million or two people, million or two, and let's get it, get them out of here.
Yeah.
Because those people are going to be so annoying that even though I don't want two million people to die, those people at dinner are going to be so fucking brutal to sit down and listen to because they're going to be like, yeah, yeah, real big plague that was.
So you almost want it.
You know what I mean?
Right, right.
You almost want some stats.
Of course, we, you know, we don't want anyone that we know to die.
Right.
Let's keep it strangers or people I don't really love.
A lot of people that haven't done enough for me in the business.
Let's be honest.
My level of talent does not correspond at all to my level of money.
I should have a lot of fucking money and I don't.
I have enough.
Don't worry.
I have enough.
We're doing fine.
We're getting by with the Patreon.
But like, look, look at the, I, I will, I could introduce you to millionaires who I mean, these people, I mean, they can't spell their name.
I mean, truly 80,000 cases in the U.S., 85,000 cases?
Yeah.
What does New York have right now?
New York leading the pack, NYC.
37,000 cases, 387 deaths in the state of New York.
You know what's interesting, man?
It's a real reset for anybody who's young.
If you're under 25, it's time to move back home if you can.
Move back home.
Listen, don't be upset.
Don't think it's a failure.
But if it's at all possible for you to go back home for 12 to 24 months and save fucking money, there's no shame in it.
This is a reset.
I can't go home.
My mother's in a mental institution and my father and his wife live together.
I can't, there is no home for me to go.
And I'm 35.
That's also, you can't go home when you're 35.
That's it.
You're in your mid-30s.
The home you go when you're 35 is your death eventually.
You're closer to that than the age when you can just walk, you know, go home, which is why, in retrospect, what a great time 9-11 was.
It was just such a fun time.
9-11.
Wow.
Just growing up, being young.
You know, is it going to be anthrax?
It's going to be smallpox.
What's going to get us?
Bioterror?
Nothing happened.
There were no additional attacks.
You know?
You know what's great about 9-11?
Everything made you a hero.
Going out and getting drunk made you a hero because if you didn't go out and get drunk, the terrorists won.
Right.
Oh, so good.
If you didn't go out and get drunk and eat a sandwich at 2 a.m., the terrorists won.
Do you want the terrorists to win?
No.
So you go live your life.
Remember President Bush?
He's like, what can Americans do?
He said, go shopping.
Go shopping.
Because that's what we are.
We got to lean in a little bit to that.
We are demons from hell.
That's really what we are.
We're not.
A good country of good people.
That idea has to be smashed.
Let's lean in.
I get it.
When Bush is like, go shopping, he's not wrong.
He's like, what are you guys going to do anyway?
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
Do grief counseling?
Shut the fuck.
What are you going to?
What are you going to volunteer your time to talk to people, do grief counseling?
No.
Go and buy a dress.
Go get a car and drive it real fast, fatty.
Go get a panini press.
Go get a waffle iron.
I mean, that's what we do.
We shop or the terrorists win.
We get drunk or the terrorists win.
That was a great thing about 9-11.
You were, it was your patriotic duty to consume.
To consume, to go out and gorge yourself with food and wine and booze.
Do shots with your friends and get fucked up on the weekends because this is America and that's how we roll.
And Osama bin Laden will never take that away from us.
He'll never take away our ability to go out to bars and get fucked up with money that we stole from our parents one way or the other.
Sometimes it was hard stealing.
There's a little money on a mantle.
It's mine.
Sometimes you go right into the pocketbook, right into the purse.
Take a little bit off the top.
Go right in there and grab a couple of 20s, 50.
Ooh, you got 100.
Got to be a good night.
Got to be a good night.
Hope she doesn't notice.
She's had a few.
A lot of people in Long Island stole.
Kleptomaniacs.
They steal money.
They love it.
I would take money every now and then.
I was a junk box, druggie.
Some people did it sober.
That's funny to me.
Hilarious.
I mean, I know people who are stone cold sober stealing from their families.
Great.
No excuse.
Stealing, stealing clothes.
You know?
There's something very deeply wrong with the area that I come from.
It's a sickness.
It's worse than Corona.
It's worse than COVID.
It's 100% rate of being a piece of shit.
That's the statistic.
You grow up in Long Island.
Full of moles.
You get a job because your mother's friend Deb knows someone at the Rec Center.
You just sit there in a chair and watch people almost drown in the pool.
Life is a meaningless waste of time.
Don't kid yourself.
And don't kid yourself.
I don't think much will change in this country after this pandemic.
You know, I thought that it would.
I'm like, people are going to start getting serious.
They'll move out to the suburbs.
They're going to want kids.
They're going to want to, they're going to, you know, they want real shit.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It would be great if that shit ends, if your fucking one-man show is over, if you realize that you want to get, you know, something real in your life, tangible, property, family.
You're not just going to waltz around being a dilettante, pretending to be an artist, wasting your own time and everybody else's.
You know, New York could get dangerous again.
The economy could get bad.
Moving to a city like that could be a real risk.
The fun might be over.
You better really fucking want it.
You better really want it.
If you could get a knife to your throat on the A-train, you better really want to be fucking funny and interesting.
You better really want.
Otherwise, the pull of the traditional life, the life that many of you should be living, the traditional life, it's going to be very strong.
After this pandemic, my prediction could be wrong, is that the pull of that tradition is going to come back.
Suburbs, back.
I want space.
I want property.
I want a house.
How many people are quarantining in a box right now going, no more?
I want out.
I want something real.
I want to love someone.
I want them to love me.
I want real responsibilities.
I don't want to host a fair weather friends and people trying to step on my neck to get ahead.
I want to get the fuck out of these cities like New York and LA and go.
People like me are going to stay, but we should stay because we're good at what we do.
You ain't.
And you know who I'm talking to.
If you're sitting out there and you're listening to this and you're like, is he talking to me?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
If you even think like that, I'm talking to you.
You should be sitting there going, fuck this fat fuck.
I'd do it better than him.
And then you got a shot.
If you're sitting there going, fuck this guy.
I could do that show better.
Netflix is whatever.
Everybody sweats this guy, but fuck him.
Who cares?
I would do it better.
Oh, I'm Megan McCann.
Good.
That.
Now I respect you, you little demon.
But you'll still fail because life's a bitch.
So don't get too high on your high horse.
Okay?
I just spoke to Louis Gomez for an hour.
This is what happens.
I forget how much I like Lewis.
You need people like Lewis right now.
You're going to need people to figure out ways because there's going to be a lot of naysayers and doomsdayers.
Just Fucking Understand You're Lucky00:12:48
I'm one of them.
I'm going to tell you to jump off a building.
Lewis is going to give you a ladder and the ladder is going to break and you're still going to die, but it's going to feel nicer.
See what I mean?
I'm just ready for the summer.
I'm ready for the quarantine to end.
I'm ready for these calls.
You know, you got to call your family now.
Hi, hello.
Yeah, it's bad.
I know it's bad.
I know.
Oh, you're not going out either.
I'm not going out.
Yeah, no, I know, I know.
No one's going out.
Yeah, You know, and your family split between people who are like Trump's the hero or Trump's the Antichrist.
And, you know, you know, whatever.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe it is going to be an interesting Easter.
You know, Easter for me was never a holiday that I loved.
I mean, it was, you know, you don't get anything.
It's not like Christmas.
It's not good food.
I mean, Easter is about honey-baked ham.
It's what it's about.
Now, my nanny made a great mustard and vinegar glazed ham, which is even better.
She took vinegar and Gould and yellow mustard.
I mean, it was just a beast mode on that pink ham.
Beast mode.
The appropriate potatoes on Easter are ogratin.
They're ograten, you fucking savage.
Mashed potatoes, fine, but it's an ogratin potato holiday.
It's a pink ham holiday or a lamb holiday.
It is not, or beef.
You can do a Chateau Brian.
You could do a Porter house.
You don't do fish.
Christ came back, you cheap fuck.
You don't do fish.
You do a fucking roast.
If you're Hispanic, you can get away with fresh pork and shit.
I'm not telling you people how to live.
Last thing I need is a knife to my fucking throat.
It's not pasta.
God help you.
But it's not pasta.
It's not a casserole.
It is steak, ham, or fucking lamb.
Nice rosemary crust on that lamb.
Nice garlic and herb.
Ograten potatoes, string beans.
The desserts are no chocolate.
This is the rule.
Chocolate is for the baskets.
The desserts are pastry, creams, and fruit.
Okay?
That's what it's about.
Light desserts.
Appetizers, they're nothing.
They're dips.
All the other holidays, you can have some warm appetizers.
Easter is inappropriate.
You have salads, light dips, things like that.
It's a feast holiday.
It's about a roast.
And the desserts shouldn't be heavy chocolate winter desserts.
We're in spring now.
Okay?
You do, you know, like a, you know, it's a great Easter dessert is that mill crepe cake, meal, meal, whatever, from New York City, where it's just layered with crepes and cream.
That's a perfect fucking dessert on Easter, you piece of shit.
All the podcasts, they all look at you like this.
I like that.
I don't want to look at you.
The fuck over it.
Tell me, I want you to look at me.
Yeah, I'm not going to have to look at you.
You get what I'm saying, okay?
Enough.
Go watch something else.
Why don't you look at the camera?
Why doesn't your studio look like an adult tree house?
Why not?
Why don't you read listener mail?
I don't, because I don't care what you say.
Read listener mail?
Why don't I listen to your show?
Listener mail.
You fucking on crack?
Can we send him questions?
No.
We do the live stream.
You asked a question.
That's sending it a question.
But that's what Easter is about.
It's a good holiday if you eat.
And you know, but you got to, don't fuck around.
You know, do the right thing there.
You know?
You're not going to be able to have Easter now.
You're going to have what you feel.
And here's the other thing.
Let me say another thing about your quarantine content.
Stop with the cute families doing like choreographed dances.
There are people wearing garbage bags, contracting this disease and dying.
Stop with your choreographed family pajama dance, you psychopath.
What in God's name is wrong with you?
I'm glad it took a pandemic for you to be a parrot.
I'm glad.
But keep it to yourself.
There are people that are struggling and dying.
They can't breathe on their own.
Nobody needs to see you in a choreographed dance with your family in pajamas like it's a big fucking snow day.
It ain't a snow day.
Maybe this is why we, maybe I'm a little loud.
This is why they're complaining.
Who gives a fuck?
I'll get out of this apartment in three fucking months.
I'll go somewhere else.
Think I give a shit this shit all?
Think I'm impressed here, you fucking apartment dwelling pigs who fucking own houses, huh?
Scumbags.
I love this complex.
You Google everybody's father.
He was paying the fucking rent.
Degenerates.
These fucking apartment complexes, West Hollywood, they charge a lot of fucking money because everybody's a loser and they can't get a house, but they think they're less of a loser than some Kentucky person who eats carnival food because they get to live in Hollywood.
Fuck you.
You're a pig.
And I'll kick you in your face.
I'll beat that property manager up.
I will fight a woman.
I will fight a middle-aged woman in the street.
Hummus at Easter, you serve.
Something like that.
Because the theme's Middle Eastern.
I'll grab a hair.
Ever see a woman get her hair yanked like that?
She's not expecting it?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Should have thought better of that.
Yeah.
Only if she hits me first.
And I'm protecting myself.
The point that I'm trying to make is this.
Stop treating this like a big snow day.
It's not a vacation for the people that are in the hospital right now working their asses off.
You know, all kidding aside, these people are fucking working their asses off, you know?
And I just think it's a little, you know, there was this one, this one TikTok where, you know, people send me TikToks.
I'm not even on the fucking, I should get on it.
People send me TikToks.
There's this one family that's like, it's my mom's birthday, so we're all dressing up tonight to feel special, even though we're in quarantine.
Come again.
You're in quarantine because there's a disease ravaging people's lives.
We're all dressing up tonight to feel special in quarantine.
You are special, you dumb cunt.
You're not sick and you're not fucking helping anyone in the hospital.
You're the most privileged person in the world right now because you're fucking not sick and you ain't broke and you got enough fucking money to eat.
So shut the fuck up.
You wanted to feel special by putting a fucking dress on?
You're as special as you get, you heartless cunt.
It sounds like I'm always against women, but there's men also.
Cunt doesn't, he's not gendered to me.
Her cunt father was there and her cunt little brother.
My cousin said that.
He's like, that would never happen in our family.
I'm like, yeah, we hate each other.
My family hates each other and it's my favorite thing about them.
It's true.
My family, you know, we really dislike each other, but we're open about it.
We're honest about it.
And we'll tell you right to our face.
Yeah, we don't.
Not for me.
How's your uncle doing?
Yeah, not for me.
But it's just like, let's fucking calm it the fuck down with how happy we are on the, you know, it's like a big snow day.
It's a snow day.
Look at my new socks that match my pajamas.
I'm eating French just in bed.
Outside, there's just gunshots and screaming.
You just hear dogs screaming, howling at the night.
People, I want to feel special.
You're lucky.
You're quarantining with a few.
You know how many people are alone right now, man?
I'm alone right now.
I mean, Ben comes over and I have all of you fucking rejects that fucking listen.
But you know how many people are alone right now, like old people that are fucking alone and terrified and you're on fucking TikTok dancing.
Just fucking understand that you're lucky.
There's a lot of people that are alone right now, man.
Mentally ill people that are very sad.
You know?
You know?
Some of them said the pandemic's not worse.
But many, many people can go either way.
I'm just sick of sitting in this apartment.
I'm sick of the fucking, you know, two of the rooms and you have carpets that drive my allergies fucking crazy.
You know, I'm taking a fucking thermometer every day, make sure I don't have COVID.
COVID.
Coronavirus.
Stop thinking Andrew Cuomo is going to be your savior.
He's a meatball.
He's a goddamn meatball.
He is better than Joe Biden.
I mean, Joe Biden is, I mean, Joe Biden cannot be nominated to run for president.
He is shot.
He cannot be nominated.
He has dementia.
You got to go with Bernie Sanders or Andrew Cuomo.
And I hate Cuomo because he's a meatball.
You know, he didn't shut down the city quick enough, and then he reversed his decision, and then everyone praised him for it.
Like, he's making the tough choices.
Yeah, make it a week before.
Make it a week earlier.
Save people's lives.
I don't like him.
I don't like his brother Chris at CNN.
I do not like them.
The Irish and the Italians have destroyed the country.
Okay?
They've destroyed it with their thuggery.
So I don't want President Meatball.
I don't need that garlic knot.
Why is he on TV every day?
Why do you have a press conference every day?
You're not the president.
You'd think he was running for president.
He's on every single day.
Hell you doing, Governor Cuomo.
Your dog, New York is a problem.
But like, we're doing everything we can.
We're doing, I talked to my friend Sal at the Pizzeria, and he sent us a cowzone to the hospital so everybody could eat.
Hey, it's Andrew Cuomo.
My brother works at CNN.
His name's Chris.
My name's Andrew.
I'm a garlic knot.
I'm a sausage and pepper hero.
I'm the governor of New York.
And everybody likes me because I can speak.
I can literally enunciate a word.
That's what he's so good.
Like, that's how bad it's gotten in the country where people are like, he's a good speaker.
He's not a good speaker.
He can talk.
That's the level we're at.
He can speak.
He's able to talk.
Joe Biden's like, well, you know, you know, the Declaration, et cetera.
So many people, like, he's literally coming in and out of it.
Do his aides know?
I bet they know.
I bet Simone Sanders knows.
That big black chick that fucking, wasn't it great to see her take that white animal rights activist cunt right off the stage?
Love that.
But I bet Simone knows, and she's like, we're just going to run.
We're running Joe, and that's it.
That's what we're going to do.
We're going to run fucking Biden.
And, you know, yeah, he's fucking, his brain's rotted.
You know?
I mean, why not?
It's a dysfunctional society.
Why not have the head of it have dementia?
You know, it's, you know, it's like a failed state here.
We can't get masks to nurses.
Do you know how many frozen yogurt shops we have in this country?
I love somebody.
You know, there's a great article in the Atlantic about what could happen after the pandemic.
It's very hopeful.
It's a guy being like, people are going to turn to science and kids are going to, they're not going to want to be celebrities.
They're going to want to be scientists.
And public health is going to be the main issue in every political campaign.
And I was like, man, man, I hope you are right.
Hopeful Science After the Pandemic00:04:48
But man, I beg to differ.
God, I beg to differ.
I'll tell you that much.
Kids are going to want to be scientists.
Yeah, okay.
We'll see.
They're licking toilets.
Which kids?
The ones that are licking toilets and coughing on the fruit?
Those kids are going to be scientists?
Yeah, doesn't...
I don't think they've internalized this.
I don't think they've really realized this yet.
Who knows?
I could be wrong.
I've talked for so much today.
It's like my third hour of podcasting.
It's amazing how much just raw talking.
You're approaching like four hours of podcasting today.
It's crazy.
And then I got to shoot this dumb thing for David Spade show.
God.
I mean, I'm really at it.
I was whining to bend on the couch earlier.
I'm like, I can't do it anymore.
It's not right.
I just like to go places.
You know, I like to get on a plane, get the fuck out of Dodge.
I like to go to Dallas.
I like to go to Austin.
I like to go to Vegas.
Those are my three favorite cities at the moment to go to.
Austin, Dallas, and Vegas.
They're all somewhat close.
Texas, not really.
You know, dude, what's fucking Vegas going to do?
Vegas is very weird.
I have a love-hate with Vegas because, you know, I've been to Vegas a bunch and I've had some of the best times of my life in Vegas, but I've had some rough times too, in the sense that I went there with a girl in senior year of high school that she was into me.
And I was, you know, fucking, I had to ruin it by being a faggot.
It's like, you know, I mean, I didn't ruin it immediately, but I mean, eventually it was ruined.
So Vegas is always kind of like this weird town of like to me, I'm like, oh, you got to kind of, you know, there's a thing about Vegas where it brings you face to face with who you are and what you're willing to do, right?
It's like, what, what are you willing to do?
How much are you willing to gamble?
Who are you willing to fuck?
Who are you willing to lie to?
What are you willing to do?
What version of yourself can you be?
You can be any version in Vegas.
It's a very interesting town, Vegas.
I've always, even when I went there the last time and we had dinner with Ty Rivera, funny comic, we were there and I was like in love with the restaurant we were at and repulsed at the exact same time.
Yeah.
And I was like, I love this that we're watching a show outside while we're eating and I hate it.
And I love it and I hate it.
And that was the whole, that's my feel about Vegas.
A lot of, it's a lot of people feel the same way about New York.
When I talk to people about New York that lived there for a few years, it didn't grow, you know, they don't have like roots there or whatever.
They're like, man, I love it and I hate it.
I just, but Vegas is interesting because it just, it, there's this endless amount of options about, you know, what you can do.
Are you, do you have money?
Are you pretending to have money?
Are you there to have a threesome?
Are you there to fucking hook up?
Are you there to gamble?
Are you there to see a show?
Are you there to perform?
Are you there to be?
But I also like the freaks in Vegas.
I like the night, you know, the freaks of the night, the people that are at the people that used to inhabit cities like New York, you know, you know, before, you know, all of those freaks started hedge funds.
I like that element of Vegas.
You know, you go down to like, I think it's Fremont Street.
I mean, it was, you know, we were walking down there.
I was like, I mean, it was rough down there.
You know?
That big praying mantis shooting fire out of its antennas.
Yeah.
Fucking weird.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, it's, I was going to say it wasn't Primantis.
I was going to say, and then it was the name of a comic and it was going to make you laugh so hard.
Oh, but we can't record it.
But it would have been just so funny.
I was like, that wasn't Primantis.
That was blank.
Yeah.
It would have been so funny.
But then I thought quickly and I was like, who can I say where they won't be mad?
And everyone's a cunt now, so no one.
So we have to abandon that joke.
And that won't hit ever as hard because it's not.
But that's one of the best jokes that I do with Ben is he'll say something.
I'll be like, that was blank.
It's got to be like a quick little Woody Allen one one-liner.
Or you'll see a homeless person walking by and you'll be like, hey, you know Blank, right?
He just did Conan or whatever.
Correct.
Yeah.
It's a good reoccurring joke.
It's never not funny.
It's never not brightens the day.
And the worse they look, the funnier it is.
Yeah.
Like if it's some guy just no shoe on, wandering around with his own shit in his hand, holding his shit.
And I go, hey, you know this guy.
It's funny.
But Vegas is going to get hit.
Vegas is going to get hit.
The Road Back Will Be Rough00:09:00
It's going to get hit.
But Vegas will always find a way.
You know, Vegas is a tough place.
And the people that live there are tough people and a little crazy.
And that's kind of what you need in a downturn.
You need people to be tough and a little crazy.
And people that live there and people that, you know, they tolerate risk in Vegas.
That's what the whole fucking town is, the whole thing.
And I think that city, even though it's, because it was crushed in the financial crisis, 2008, came back, was crushed, you know?
So it's a city that I find pretty interesting.
And I'm wondering how rough the road back is.
But the road back is going to be rough for a lot of places because we're not even...
We're not even in the problem yet.
Right.
You know, everybody on TV is like, we're not even in the thing yet.
I'm like, when's the thing?
When's that?
Can we not have press conferences until that?
Right.
Because I can't take a month lead up to that.
I thought we were in it.
We're not even in the thing.
Well, we're not even in the wave.
The wave hasn't crested.
What?
What's happening?
I mean, can we get to that?
Can we get to that now?
Is there a way to rush that?
Can we get to the wave?
Can we cough on some old people?
Shock test the system?
What do you want to do here?
But that becomes.
A dredge report is saying deaths will top 80,000 in the next four months.
Did you see that?
Yeah, but here's my question.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's horrible.
What is that based on?
The amount of people they think will get it versus the mortality, you know?
Saying it may not subside until June, according to a data analysis done by University of Washington School of Medicine.
I think these data analysis models are not doing anybody any good.
I think they're important to share internally with hospitals.
But why do we keep putting this shit out in the news if it's based on like, what the fuck, you know, put a few of them out.
Let people know they could be settling in for long haul.
Why do we need a new model every day that's based on, you know, just projections?
Yeah.
We don't know.
This could have been circulating for three months.
You know, people have no idea.
You know, I mean, looking at the new data analysis model, this will crest in 2020, 28.
It's like, it's not useful.
This is not useful information.
These wild projections are not useful information.
Tell people what to do now.
Tell people what they can do now.
But we're looking at April, May, June.
I'm telling you right now, folks.
We cannot have a 90-day quarantine.
I don't think we can.
And I just mean for the country.
And I'm not saying like, I don't want to put the vulnerable people out to work.
Nobody should die for this.
I'm not saying any of that.
But I'm wondering if we can have a 90 to 120 day quarantine.
Can we have shut the economy down for 90 to 120 days?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
That $600 or $1,200 you're getting is not going to do anything for 90 or 120 days.
So I think what eventually has to happen is once we get a handle on this, we have to start opening things up in small doses.
There's just not a ton of other options here.
You know, if we could all sit in a bubble for a year and somehow eradicate all of that, I just don't think that's going to happen.
I think it's going to be a few months.
But I think May towards June, we're going to be looking at, you know, hopefully, and then we're all going to be so fucking traumatized that when they open the doors and they go, you're allowed out.
We're going to go, no.
Yeah.
You know, we're going to go, no.
You're institutionalized.
Yeah.
I'll stay in my cage.
Thank you.
Maybe that's what they want.
I don't know.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not for that, which is why I've always been critical of the people that are like, this isn't real.
The virus isn't real because I'm not an idiot.
So I talk to people and they go, oh, it's real.
Yeah.
On the other side, though, I'm very aware of how this can be used to enslave a population of people.
I'm not an idiot.
I know that when you take away everybody's rights and you suspend rights that they would normally have had for an indefinite period of time, you're dramatically changing the way that they live.
And then at the end of that, it can be incredibly tough to adjust to the idea that that power isn't just innate in the government.
They shouldn't be able to just shut it down and tell you, absent a pandemic, absent a public health crisis.
And then what is a public health crisis?
Now, this clearly is one, but what down the road could be one that will be turned into a public health crisis?
What down the road can be used to shut it down?
These are questions.
These are real questions you have to ask yourself.
You're getting a ticket for jogging in certain cities.
So these are real, this ain't a drill.
This is the reality of where you are.
And you have to understand that while you're sacrificing your freedoms temporarily, you cannot indefinitely surrender them.
And you can't, you know, you can't also think that that's not a possibility or that there are people that don't want you to have those freedom.
They don't want you to have any freedom.
Truly, a lot of people do not want you to have any freedom.
And people will voluntarily give up much of their freedom without guns, without, you know.
I'm looking at a lot of cities and, you know, the expectation is that crime will go up.
It probably will.
Certainly will.
But I also think that you're going to see a situation where there's so much publicizing of that fact.
Oh, we're not going to prosecute small petty crimes and the petty crimes are like actual crimes.
Cars getting stolen, burglary.
So real crimes.
Property crime is a real crime.
But when people start publicizing that they're not going to do anything about that, I'm like, what does this do other than terrorize the public?
What are we doing here?
Other than terrorizing the public.
And I think that what purpose does that serve other than terror, keeping you terrified.
So I think that we have to just, you know, it's a fucking hard, because you got to, you know, it's like a gymnastics.
You got to stick the landing.
You don't fall either way, you know?
Not that I'm a gymnast, but, you know, when I used to watch the summer Olympics, stick the landing.
You got to stick the landing here in terms of like, you can't be like the virus is fake.
You also can't be like, hey, just let me know.
I'm just going to make waffles in my PJs and not fucking grasp what is happening, which is the shutdown of the largest economy in the world and like a pandemic.
You have to understand what is happening here.
You have to kind of process that and you got to compartmentalize it because you can't go out and do the wrong thing and violate these orders and be unethical, put other people at risk.
And at the same time, you can't forget that there is an outside and there is a job you have to return to and that everybody has to return to.
And you're not going to eradicate every case of coronavirus before that happens.
Doesn't mean we're all going to be, you know, fucking in churches and Easter, you know?
But at the end of the day, you got to, you got to say to yourself, hey, you know, this eventually ends.
This eventually comes to a close.
And then we look back at it.
We saw how unprepared we were.
And we try to figure out a way to be more prepared, you know?
But I mean, this could easily turn into a situation where this lockdown becomes, you know, a problem, a big problem, more of a problem than the pandemic.
Regulate You Out of Business00:13:23
And the government uses this to take the few remaining rights away that you have.
And I don't, you know, I don't like that.
That's why the UBI idea, I was like, it's a great idea if I trusted the government.
But since I don't, the idea that you could just give people universal basic income and just say, sit in your house, stay in your house.
Here's your money.
You don't go earn money.
Here's your money.
It's scary.
It's scary the idea that government could just pay you to sit there.
You know?
I mean, there's something about that that should trouble you because now the only way you eat is the government.
You know, my friend said the other day, like he's trying to apply for unemployment, young guy, and he goes, you know, unemployment, man, the system's crashing.
They won't answer my calls.
I'm like, yeah, welcome, welcome to welcome to what it's going to be.
Welcome to what it's going to be when you don't.
And he's frantic.
He's like, I got to get through.
I got to get this money.
I was like, welcome to what it's going to be when you can't earn a living, when the one thing that it's been taken from you.
And now you are dependent on, you know, the government to earn a living.
I'm not saying the government can't do certain things.
I'm not saying they can't, you know, provide a level of health care to people, basic health care, so that people aren't going bankrupt every other day.
But I don't want, and I have no business.
This is why I'm not a Marxist.
And I don't, a lot of the, you know, some of the Sanders platform I agreed with, but a lot of his fans are out of control.
I don't want the government providing me every need in my life.
I don't want that.
Then they get to decide what my needs are.
I don't want that.
I don't want that because that is how you slip into, you know, whether it's fascist or communist, there's not too much of a fucking difference, truly.
I mean, I know people rip me up for that, but it's true in terms of authoritarian structures.
It's what they are.
I don't want, I want the ability to earn a living.
I want the ability to choose where I live.
I want the ability to choose who I go into business with.
I want to choose the industry that I work in.
I want to choose how much money I save.
I want to choose all these things.
And if I'm unable to do that and I'm prevented from doing that, I am now I've become some type of slave or bot, whatever you want to say.
Maybe that's the updated version of that.
Whatever it is.
I don't have any power and I have no interest in that.
And that is a totalitarian society.
And you see it, see it in China.
You see it in a lot of places.
You see it in North Korea.
And if you think it cannot happen here, you're insane.
It'll be a different kind of totalitarianism.
It'll be soft.
It'll come with the Kardashians.
It'll come with new, there'll be new TV shows every week.
Jimmy Vallen and have you met Jimmy's wife?
And it'll be a soft totalitarianism.
It won't be hard.
It won't be the cane.
In Singapore, it'll be a soft totalitarianism where you're just fed garbage on television.
You're fed garbage.
You consume garbage, whether you're eating it or listening to it or watching it.
And you don't have any power and you don't have the ability to go out.
They've already broken like the labor movement.
If you're a worker in this country, you have very little power.
You just don't have that little, you don't really have power.
If you're any type of independent journalist, you have very little power.
You have almost no, other than utilizing the internet, but you have no mainstream power.
You can't get your articles, no matter how well researched they are and well sourced, you can't get them in front of people.
You know, you can go indie and put them online and things like that, but you're boxed out of the mainstream.
There's four or five companies that disseminate all the fucking information.
They own all the channels.
They own all the radio stations.
It's fucking four or five conglomerates and they just strangle that industry.
So if you're an independent journalist, you just don't really have, you don't have the opportunity.
You just don't.
You know, you've been boxed out.
The big money and the consolidation of those major companies, those conglomerates, has eliminated your ability to really truly break through.
You know, people say about YouTube, about everything.
It's harder now to amass a following.
It's harder to make money because the conglomerates, the cartels, the groups of people have come in and they've carved up a lot of these things for themselves.
Google, Facebook.
You know, there's five companies.
If you want to do anything online, you got to be, you know, Google, Facebook, Amazon, YouTube.
There's a few platforms that you have to be in business with.
There is no other way.
You know?
So the type of fascism that will arrive in America, it's not going to be like the boot to the face.
Fascism, it'll be like, yeah, checkpoints.
Yeah, you just can't go here.
This is, you got to get approved to fly somewhere.
And it could be done all under the guise of public health.
Could be done.
Yeah, where are you going on vacation?
Well, we'll tell you.
We'll let you know.
We'll let you know if you're approved to go on that trip.
We'll let you know if you're approved to drive down this street.
We'll let you know if you're approved to live in this community because we have decided what car you can buy because we've decided this is bad for the environment.
You can buy this car.
We're still going to have the other car.
We're going to have the guns and the big cars and everything, but you're not.
And we're going to still have the houses with the gates behind them.
But, you know, we'll decide where you live.
We'll decide what industries you can be in.
We'll regulate you out of them.
We'll tax you out of them.
We'll prevent you from getting into them.
We'll just cut you off.
We'll cut you off at the knees.
So the idea that all of this cannot be turned on you and truly used to...
So, and that doesn't mean that you run out tomorrow and you cough down your grandmother's throat.
It doesn't mean that.
It means that you pay attention.
Be vigilant.
Don't be stupid.
Don't be making TikTok videos in your underwear.
Understand what's fucking happening to this country.
It could go bad quick.
Could get bad quick.
Your leaders, okay, are in a precarious position.
And who knows what the fuck they'll do?
God only knows what these people do if their backs are the wall.
You got to realize there's a lot of people that aren't a fan of what has been happening, whether it's Epstein, whether it's some type of awakening.
There's a lot of people that have a lot of money in the old structures and the old system, and they don't like that you can get on the internet, which is slowing down, by the way.
I love reading those articles.
The internet's slowing down.
Everyone's on it.
Getting real slow.
Maybe you can't use it on Tuesday.
Maybe your day will be Wednesday.
I mean, think all of these things aren't pot.
They're all possible.
Trust me.
And there's a lot of people out there that don't love how the internet's been used to unmask a lot of what they've been up to.
They're not fans of that.
So if they could eliminate that, they would.
Now they can't yet, but watch them.
I mean, watch these people like a hawk, to be honest with you.
And I mean, that doesn't mean that this isn't a real disease and it isn't a crisis and this social distancing isn't justified because, you know, after 9-11, a lot of the things that they implemented made a lot of sense in that moment.
They made so much sense in that fever pitch of rhetoric when we were all terrified and we're like, what the fuck?
And then they passed all of these things.
Oh, we're going to read your email.
And we'll read your email and listen to your phone and, you know, track you everywhere and imprison you if we want to and torture you for information.
And we don't have to charge you with anything.
And we'll suspend habeas corpus and you're not going to be read your rights.
And we're not going to officially bring you.
And if we want, we could just put you in a military tribunal show court and you don't get any type of democratic, you know, you don't get any type of trial and there's no democratic process.
You know, we just, just everything the country's based on, we're going to take away.
We're going to take that away now.
Everything that the country's been based on, we're going to, we're going to get rid of that.
We were, we weren't right about that.
We were wrong about that.
Sorry.
Our bad.
My bad.
So just don't forget that that could happen here.
And, you know, this is a weird thing because it's this invisible enemy that we're going to be fighting.
You know, wouldn't it be funny if like terrorism, you know, after a while, if like we just don't care anymore, like 9-11, like when people start talking about terrorists and Muslims, we don't even care.
We're like, we don't stop.
Like, stop.
It's 20 years ago.
Nothing's happened since.
You can't get us.
And well, ISIS said, no, we don't care.
Wouldn't it be funny if in years just talking about this?
They're like, what about coronavirus?
And I was like, you shut the fuck up.
We know you fucking, we know we don't have coronavirus again enough.
You know, is that what the government's going to be able to do?
All they had to do was mention an Arab guy's name and the whole country was like, you know, turned into little Hitlers.
Hei Stanton.
Like, is all they're going to have to do now just be like this?
They're just going to have to go, hey, everybody.
And you go, fuck.
Fuck.
He's right.
Go inside.
Go inside.
Take cover.
It's Karoni.
I had a meeting.
Just before I go, I had a it's very interesting, man.
You don't know.
You really don't know where life is going to end up.
Life is surreal.
It's fucking insane.
I mean, there's, there's, I mean, I, you know, there's nothing, me and Ben were doing this show before the pandemic.
We were doing a show in a bunker before there was a bunker.
It's crazy.
And we were doing a, you know, we were figuring out how to exist online before we had to.
And we're grateful.
I'm grateful for that.
And for Ben was a huge part of that.
But I will say, it's not a, it's not a, existing online primarily is not a nice place to be.
The sunshine is nice.
People are nice.
Going out and performing live is nice.
Being outside and meeting people is nice.
And this, you know, we're going to be here for you.
We're going to be here every week, multiple times a week.
But I'm just saying, don't give up every right immediately.
Think about this.
Think about where we're going.
Figure it out because I don't want to be in the digital world forever.
You know, I don't want to be.
It's the same thing where it's like a bunch of people just sat and watched TV during the 90s.
It was great TV, but people just sat in a couch potato.
Oh, there's a couch potato.
Just sits on his couch.
I'm telling you, man, it's not a nice place to be.
Twitter is not a good place to live, man.
Instagram's not a good place to live.
Your sole interactions can't be Twitter fights and just people dancing on TikTok or some drunk they find in a Waffle House parking lot ranting about something.
You can't.
It can't be the only thing.
You got to get some air.
Ben made a great point.
He goes, what the fuck's Instagram going to be if nobody can go outside?
What are they going to do?
People post pictures of their asshole every day?
What are you going to do?
There's nothing to do.
So my thing here is just it isn't a healthy place to live.
Your phone, everyone is living in their phone now.
It is not a healthy place to live.
It's almost like the synchronicities.
They're trying to bring it about quicker.
They're like, let's just lock them in their homes, give them their phones and see what happens.
Let's see if when we let them out, if they want to be let out or are they just going to be shaking in the corner with their phone because that's their only life.
That's their only life source.
You know, that's what I worry about.
This is going to take a toll on people psychologically.
It's going to be traumatic.
You know?
TimDylonComedy.com.
Who cares?
There's nothing there.
Go and buy merch if you want.
Get a shirt.
Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram and Twitter.
The two things I just told you not to go to.
Go and follow me.
The rules are the rules.
I am looking for volunteer opportunities.
If you're a first responder and you're low on money, DM me.
First Responders Deserve Money00:01:43
I'll help you.
If you're legit, if you're a legitimate first responder, like, and you're fucked, like, you know, I don't have a ton of money, but if you're totally fucked, you're a first responder for whatever reason.
And you shouldn't be fucked.
You should have money if you're a first responder.
But, you know, we are going to find some ways.
And I think we order food for hospital.
That's coming up soon, which is cool.
Cause I do want to do something.
You feel powerless not doing anything, but they need masks and ventilators.
And what the fuck do I know?
You know?
So, you know, I just want the opportunity to kind of be photographed helping people.
It's so important that I'm able to help people, you know, in public, in a verifiable way that's very public.
I'm able to go, hey, I want at the end of this, I want to walk into Cedars and I want everyone to start clapping and crying.
And I want them to go, you're the hero.
And I go, no, no, you're the hero.
And then they hand me like maybe a gold stethoscope or something.
That's kind of nice, you know, like a plaque.
And they say, thank you.
And the mayor of Los Angeles gives me a key to the city.
You know?
Yeah.
You know?
And then they look at me and they go, can we tell you something?