Tim breaks down the Iowa caucus "conspiracies", remembers a woman who made a great impression on him at a young age, and how to find inspiration in criminals. For weekly Bonus Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Tim Dillon Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Please Support Our Sponsors: Go to www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. Get the ridge, folks. Cannaeprogear.com use TIM to Get 15% off. It's the last backpack you'll ever need! Do you love a good rom com? T Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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South Bend Establishment Position00:10:19
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show live from Chicago, Illinois, broadcasting here from the heart of America.
Five sold-out shows at Zaney's.
Thank you guys.
We're having a lot of fun over there.
Also, if you want to catch me in Toronto, those tickets are almost sold out, but I'll be there for Valentine's Day.
And if you've seen my act, you know that nothing gets the pussies wetter than my act.
I am an act where you just fuck right afterwards, maybe during.
So just know that I am an act for romance.
So if it's your first date or if you're trying to rekindle a flame from a marriage that has just gone the wrong way, especially the latter, if you're in a failing marriage, my set might either expedite that process where you just walk out and go, I don't even want to see you again, or it might rekindle that old flame that you had when you both met each other years and years ago.
But those tickets are Valentine's Day in Toronto.
I was watching the Democratic debate last night.
Watching what happened in Iowa is great.
This is the year of who gives a fuck.
This is the year that the Illuminati just doesn't care.
They're just, they're going balls to the wall.
They're losing power.
It's not working.
The ruling class, it just, they don't need to disguise things the way they used to.
Epstein hung himself in the cell.
The app's not tabulating votes.
What's the app called?
It's called Go Fuck Yourself.
That's what it's called.
It's called the Shadow App.
I love it.
It's just fun.
You have to enjoy it.
Now, yes, there's elements of it that should depress you, as it is the crumbling of our civil order to an extent, but you got to love it.
The shadow app, by acronym, can't tabulate the votes in the Iowa caucus.
They just, they don't even take any care or concern with the name when they're coming up with this.
When Langley, Virginia sends people out there to go work in tech firms and they come up with these fucking startups.
Whitney Webb's written all about this.
This is the future, by the way.
This isn't like a, you know, this is an anomaly.
It's not an anomaly.
All of these tech firms are getting into voting.
How are we going to vote?
They're all building election technology and it's going to be used and manipulated so that it says whatever it wants.
I'm telling you right now, they're not going to let Trump happen again.
They're going to try not to.
They're going to do the best they can to limit people's ability to vote.
And you're seeing it.
It's just going to fucking happen.
I mean, it's just kind of hilarious.
You know, and then of course, who do all the votes go to?
They go to Mayor Pete.
Mayor Pete, who's the president of a town that's not even real.
South Bend, Indiana is not real.
Doesn't exist.
If you go to where they say South Bend, Indiana is on a map, you'll be turned away by military police.
My friend did it last week.
You're turned away by military police.
There's a bunch of tents and there's guys standing outside with guns, but there's no South Bend, Indiana.
It doesn't exist.
If it exists, it's a city that's built under Washington, D.C. That's it.
Telling you that right now.
And Mayor Pete, who couldn't be more of a CIA shill in that race, he could not be more of, and I love like his quote where he goes, yeah, I had an interview with the CIA.
I really botched that.
Did you?
Did you, Pete?
I've only known you for a little while.
I think you probably did very well.
He's their guy in the race.
You could tell.
He's coming out there with that strong neoliberal position.
He loves war.
He's ready to, you know, we got to just keep the economy servicing people that have billions of dollars.
This is the establishment position.
CIA works for the establishment.
All they do essentially is pave the way for billionaires and corporations.
That's pretty much what they do.
It's what they've done all over the world.
It's what they do in America.
They're just hired guns.
CIA is just hired guns.
Okay.
They're doing the it's not all wet work.
It's not all killing people.
It's not all knocking people over, although some of it is that.
But a lot of it is cultural.
It's, you know, who's the guy that we're going to find that we're going to blackmail or that, you know, wants it so bad we don't even have to blackmail them.
And somebody said something about Mayor Pete once to me, which stuck with me.
This was a well-placed person in a pretty, you know, established family that has money.
And he said, the real scary guys are the Mayor Pete's of the world.
They're the guys without money and without connections, but they want it so bad that they will do anything.
He said, those are the truly terrifying people.
You know, people that come from nowhere, come from nothing.
You know, a lot of these people, by the way, that's how they are thrust onto the national stage.
They're the mayor of a town you've never heard of.
Well, why do a bunch of millionaires and billionaires love the mayor?
Why do they love the gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana?
Why is that guy their choice?
What exactly about him excites a bunch of billionaires?
Is it that they want the first gay president?
Perhaps, but why?
Why do they want the first?
Is it because they care about human rights?
No, it's because it's a great way to sidestep any meaningful critiques of somebody.
And this is why you have like identity politics happening in the way it does, where we just elevate people based on their sexuality, their race, their gender.
And it doesn't matter what they believe.
Who cares what they believe?
Doesn't matter.
You know, my friend, we talk about this comedian that we kind of know.
She's like a lesbian.
She's Muslim.
But, you know, when you see Iraq, you know what it all comes down to?
That she likes hats.
That's all it is.
She doesn't have a specific particular perspective.
It's that she enjoys hats.
She talks about her hat.
I like wearing hats.
My friend Ryan likes hats.
They're the same person.
They're essentially the same person.
She just happens to be Pakistani and lesbian.
It doesn't give you a perspective.
But Pete is their man in the race.
You can tell.
You can feel it.
It's your instinct and you're correct.
They didn't think he was going to be the president.
They thought Biden would get the nod or maybe Warren would get the nod.
Pete was supposed to be a VP.
This is what I think happened.
I think Pete was going to be a VP.
They want one of their guys in the White House.
They want one of them in the White House.
If it's not in the Oval, they want somebody, the billionaire cartels, the people that own the corporations, own the land, own the resources, employ the CIA.
Those people want a sympathetic ear in that building, whether it's the vice president or the president.
And Butijej was the guy, clean, a gay guy, married, South Bend, Indiana, Midwest, served in the armed forces.
He has the resume.
You know, probably turned into a CIA asset when he was overseas.
Maybe not.
Who knows?
And people don't understand when you're an asset of the CIA.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you're sitting down in Langley, Virginia taking orders, although you could be.
It means that you're on their team and they're going to do everything they can to help you, whether you know it or not.
And he's the dude, 100%.
He's the guy.
Mayor Pete is the guy that they want.
And I don't think they figured that Joe Biden was going to implode the way he did because Biden is completely senile.
He has no idea what he's talking about.
He's smelling the hair of children.
He's making out with his niece.
This is what he's doing.
I mean, he's full throat making out with his granddaughter on stage.
No one knew that was going to happen.
Nobody figured that.
They were like, well, he kind of kept this under wraps during the Obama administration, but he's just deep throat fucking open mouth kissing his relatives on stage.
He's, you know, massaging people.
He's a creepy old guy.
I don't think he's a pedophile.
I just don't think he knows what's going on anymore.
I think he's maybe in the early stages of dementia.
I don't know what's happening to him.
I just think he's completely falling apart.
His senses are crossing.
I don't know.
I don't know why you're smelling someone's hair on a debate stage.
I don't know why you're picking up children and squeezing them till they pop.
Whatever the problem is, nobody anticipated that that was going to fucking go as left as it did.
Warren's unforced errors are amazing because you got to realize there's billionaires watching this the way that you watch the Super Bowl.
They watch this the way that you watch the Super Bowl.
And they go, I can't believe who is allowing this to happen?
This bitch took a DNA test to prove that she was a Native American.
It comes back.
She's not.
Like, no one forced her to do it.
No one put a gun in her mouth and forced her to do it.
These people, like the guys who own Raytheon and General Dynamics and Boeing, they're all like, what the fuck is this bitch doing?
She's throwing the game and they can't have that.
So you got to back a guy like Mayor Pete.
Now, Mayor Pete is a cool, cautious, you know, cerebral guy, hard to put him on the fence, but spent all his money in Iowa.
Media Shill Mode Explained00:07:11
They wanted a big showing in Iowa.
But make no mistake, none of this is an accident.
I don't believe that.
I don't believe any of this is just happenstance.
I think that part of the problem is that people don't yet realize where we're at because everything, the economy is good and people are largely employed, even though not at jobs that they want.
The ruling class in this country is losing power.
The people are turning against the government.
Really, maybe for the first time since the 1960s, are you seeing movements being built where the aim is to upend the social order?
People are tired.
Donald Trump was a wrecking ball that people threw at the system.
They didn't want Hillary.
They didn't want Jeb.
They don't want Joe Biden.
So if you're a billionaire, what are you to do?
You know, you have to find somebody that these people are going to coalesce behind.
You have to find an Obama.
You have to find somebody who is going to have, you know, the gravitas to keep the fucking train running because otherwise it gets messy.
Trump, it's messy.
Sanders, it'll be messy.
When you have an anti-establishment guy in there that's willing to call out the CIA, call out the FBI, when you're willing to go to those links to totally remake society, starting with your own political party, Trump remade the Republican Party.
Sanders will have to remake the Democratic Party.
Democrat, big Democrat donors are fucking losing their minds.
I know somebody who works, you know, in a company where like John Kerry is a partner.
And, you know, John Kerry was on the phone the other day.
Somebody overheard his conversation.
He's like, I mean, what?
Should I run?
What are we going to do?
Like, these guys are losing their grasp on their party.
They're losing their grasp on the country.
And you're starting to see.
So then they have to fight back.
They can't just, they're not going to go quietly into the night.
That's not what having billions.
You don't amass billions of dollars by being agreeable.
They're not just going to step aside.
They're going to have to kick up some dirt.
And they're going to do everything they can.
They've thrown a lot of shit at Trump.
None of it is stuck.
Trump is a corrupt guy.
He spent years and years.
Hold on.
Chicago.
There's a fucking ambulance in Chicago.
Somebody shot in Chicago every 15 minutes.
So this is why there's ambulances going on.
But they threw everything at Trump.
Nothing stuck.
Now, maybe when he's out of office, something will stack.
I don't know.
I have no doubt that there's corrupt dealings that they could unearth.
By the way, and I have no doubt if they looked at Obama or Clinton, it's the same fucking thing.
Okay.
But what are they going to throw at Bernie?
So the first thing they threw at Bernie was this kerfuffle in Iowa where an app couldn't tabulate all the votes.
And the late reporting pre-saints all broke for Bernie Sanders.
Fuck you.
You know what this is.
You know what it is.
Bernie could have come.
If Bernie won Iowa, he might have come out of there, not, you know, with a mandate.
It might have started to look like the big money or the momentum.
He would never have got, he's not going to get the big money, but the momentum, clearly, grassroots party activists would all kind of flow to him.
They've bought themselves some time now.
Now, Bernie's going to, he's going to win New Hampshire.
Then the media is going to talk about that New Hampshire doesn't really matter.
This is the next thing they're going to do.
They're going to be like, well, we always knew he was going to win New Hampshire.
It doesn't really matter.
We stole Iowa from him.
And they're going to hope that he gets beaten in South Carolina or on Super Tuesday.
And they're hoping and praying to God.
And if by some miracle he gets the nomination and wins, then they're going to do a version of what they're doing to Trump.
He's not going to be allowed to govern with a mandate.
He's going to be attacked from all sides.
You know, they're going to have people in the Democratic Party that are turning on him in the same way that they have Republicans flipping on Trump.
This is just what they're going to do.
You might hate Trump.
You might hate his politics.
You might think he's a destructive force in society.
All of that you can think is true.
You cannot doubt that from the minute he took office, there's been a coordinated campaign from both the media and the intelligence agencies to discredit this presidency 100%.
And if you think it's just Trump, if you think it's not going to be Bernie, you're out of your mind.
They just don't want anybody rocking the boat.
And they're going to throw scandals at Bernie.
They're going to back people.
They're going to turn people in his administration against him.
They're going to have people spying.
I mean, this is what they've done forever.
It's just not going to change.
The problem is it's becoming more obvious.
They're getting more desperate.
As you get more desperate, when you're a criminal and you get desperate, the crimes become high.
You start grabbing things, you know, you know, the old smash and grab, midday in the middle of a public park, you just fucking grab somebody's pocketbook and run.
Why?
Because you're desperate.
That's not a highly organized criminal activity.
You know, you're fucking doing what you can to steal some votes in Iowa from this guy.
But it's very interesting to watch happen.
The good news for all of us is that corporations have governed the country for a long time.
It's really not.
The elections, as important as they are, you know, if Mark Zuckerberg stepped down at Facebook, it probably has more of an effect on people's life than the elect for now, for now.
But it's going to, it's going to, it's going to ramp up.
And you're going to see just a constant until the establishment can get a Mayor Pete in there, until they can put an Obama back in there, until they can get somebody who's fucking just plays the game.
It's just going to keep getting worse.
It's going to keep getting obvious.
The media, which is now in 100% shill mode, and I mean to a point where they're telling you your eyes and ears don't work.
That's the job of the media now.
They come and tell you your eyes and ears don't work.
What you just saw isn't happening.
It's not happening.
What you just heard isn't happening.
That's the job of the media.
They go, there's nothing to this.
These conspiracy.
Before there were conspiracy theories about Iowa, people on MSNBC being like, oh my God, there's conspiracy there.
People think that this shadow app is somehow connected to.
I know that Mayor Pete's campaign funded it.
A lot of campaigns funded it.
And listen, I know a lot of the people that designed the app work for Hillary Clinton.
Dating The Most Wanted List00:15:09
A lot of people work for Hillary Clinton.
Stop it.
Shut up.
Eat your Wendy's and go to bed, pig.
Stop reading articles.
Stop reading Reddit threads and go to bed.
Everything's fine.
There's no conspiracy here.
What are you, Trump?
What are you, a Russian?
I mean, this is the full-time job of the media right now.
It makes you long for the days when everybody was just checked out.
The days where I grew up.
My first experience in Chicago was my friend, we met a woman who had an impact on our life when we were children.
And not children, but we were in our early 20s.
We were children.
We were young kids.
We didn't know the ways of the world.
And we were in a bar in East Meadow, Long Island, called Dugans, which used to have really good wings, and I'm sure it still does.
But we were there, and we were all boozed up.
We were all fucked up, having fun.
And this woman, attractive, in a stripper-esque quality.
You know, she was hot.
Not beautiful, but hot.
She was, there was, you know, there was a sexual energy to her.
She was just, you know, she was down for it.
She was that type of woman.
She was dancing on the bar at Dugans.
And then my friend Joe, who was about maybe at that point a little under 300 pounds, also got on a bar and he was dancing at Dugans.
But truly light on his feet, like a Jackie Gleason.
And he just missed falling off the bar.
And he was so hammered, he didn't know what he was doing, but just graceful, like a figure skater.
Just the grace of him dancing was really something to see.
We all just stood there and stared at him because it was like amazing to watch.
And this girl, dancing on the bar as well, finally got off the bar and she came over to me and she goes, who's this fat fuck?
And she pointed to him.
And I was like, oh, that's my friend Joe.
And She had met us a few times.
We knew her.
She was friends with some of our friends.
She had a presence in Levittown, Long Island.
Levittown is the first suburb in the country.
And, you know, there was a lot of promise there post-World War II.
And now it's mostly, you know, flea markets and heroin.
But, you know, that's what it is now.
And that's what it was starting to become then.
It was just a suburban, you know, it was trashy.
You know, one guy said once to me, you know, one of the kids that we knew in Levittown, we walked into his little Levitt house.
I think his dad put like a new Pergo wood floor, like fake wood.
Man, they love that over there.
They love fake wood because you could drop things on it and spill things on it.
And, you know, you could have fist fights in the room and nothing would ever affect the quality of the flooring.
So this guy gets a Pergo wood floor, which costs about $500.
And then he said to me, he goes, My dad put a new floor in this house.
It raised the value of the house $50,000.
And I'm like, well, didn't the fluff, Jesus, fuck.
Does that read on the thing?
Okay.
It just drives me nuts.
The sirens drive me nuts here.
I mean, it's just fucking insane.
We're going to get, we'll be back in the studio.
This is, you know, we couldn't record a podcast.
We're announcing a 34-week tour.
It's a, you know, there's a lot going on here.
But this idiot then explained to me that his house was now worth $100,000 more money because his dad spent $500 on a fake wood floor.
And I tried to tell him that that wasn't true.
And he just stared at me.
And then you realized that, like, you couldn't get through to these people.
They were just, they were just biological waste.
You know, that's really what they were.
You just stared at them and you were like, okay, sure, you know, whatever you want.
But we met this woman and she started dating my friend.
And immediately she was a whirlwind.
It was just fights and problems and websites that her name was mentioned on where people had accused her of all kinds of things, like writing fake checks and stealing their money and being a con artist.
I liked her immediately.
I really liked her immediately.
There was something about her I enjoyed.
She was a lot of fun to go out to dinner with.
She was a real con.
You know, she worked people over.
She had dudes in different towns that took their fucking money.
And I think that's great.
I support all of that.
And yes, she was ruining my friend's life, but someone's got to ruin your life.
That's really what it comes down to.
Someone has to come into your life and destroy it, unless you'll do it yourself.
Somebody's got to come in with a big dick or a wet pussy and destroy your ability to make decisions.
They'll destroy your relationship with your family.
They'll destroy your motivation, your ability to work at your job.
They'll put distance between you and your closest friends.
Someone needs to do that.
You don't live a full life unless you've met someone where you literally will follow them into like some.
Now, you know, a lot of people don't don't go that route, which is fine too.
And they have other things and whatever.
But most people in the world, you're just waiting for that to happen.
You want to meet somebody who will just, you could just, you know, just say, fuck you, mom and dad, if you don't like this person.
You don't get them.
You don't understand them.
So that's what it is.
You're either going to destroy your own life or someone's going to do it for you.
That's the way this world works.
That's all.
It'll be drugs.
It'll be alcohol.
It'll be food.
It'll be sex.
It'll be your own ambition.
It'll be money.
It'll be your fucking ungrateful children.
It'll be the job that didn't give a fuck about you.
It'll be some soulless multinational corporation that you spend 45 years in.
That one day you just go in and you've got a gun in your pocket, your fucking pants, and you're ready to just blow everybody's head off.
You know, who knows?
It's going to be one of those things.
It might as well be a stripper from Chicago.
It might as well be a cocaine addict from the suburbs of Chicago.
Why not?
Great tits.
Why not?
It's going to be something.
It's going to be a bad real estate deal you did with your brother-in-law.
Something's going to get you.
Don't get out of it alive, folks.
It doesn't matter.
Make your mistakes young.
And he did.
And my friends made their mistakes young and, you know, old and middle-aged.
But we met her and she was immediately a whirlwind.
She was immediately somebody who came in full force, had opinions about everybody, about everything.
You know, I saw this.
My dad, I mean, my dad's wife came into his life.
My dad had had one failed marriage.
She came in.
She's like, this is the way your life is going to be run.
And my dad's Irish, and Irish men marry their mothers.
And he goes, okay, good.
I need a mother.
I need someone to come in and tell me what to do.
Where's the washer and dryer?
How does all of it work?
When do we pay our bills?
The first of the month?
Okay, I'll try that.
For years and years, we've been paying them whenever we could, but we'll try to pay them on the first, honey.
That's a good idea.
She came in and just cleaned it up.
You know, this woman came in.
I don't want to say her name.
I'm not going to say her name.
We're going to call her because this was her nickname.
Her nickname, we called her Blagojevich because Rod Blagojevich was, I believe, the governor of Illinois.
And Rod Blagojevich, of course, was a shady guy.
And I think he's in jail right now.
And Blagojevich, yeah, he was an American politician, the 40th governor of Illinois.
And then he was impeached, convicted, and removed from office in 2009.
And, you know, he was, you know, from, you know, I mean, Chicago is just the most corrupt state in the union.
He was removed from office for corruption, bribes, all of that stuff.
You know, it says, Blagojevich was impeached and removed.
He solicited bribes for political appointments, including Barack Obama's vacant U.S. Senate seat after Obama was elected president.
Fun.
So he was sentenced to 14 years in federal prison.
So for the rest of this, we'll just call this woman Blagojevich because, you know, she was from Chicago.
She played fast and loose with the truth.
But again, she was a fun person.
Not always.
She had tantrums and things.
She'd go out to bars and fight people.
You know, she was one of those people.
She's one of those people.
You'd go to a bar and you'd be having a cigarette outside and then all of a sudden she'd be being thrown out by the bouncers.
You know, I'd go, where's she?
Where's Blagojevich?
And then she's in a headlock.
Two guys are walking her outside.
You know, she wasn't Jackie Kennedy.
Sure.
But my friend, you know, his parents, you know, being boomers, they were just kind of like letting it happen.
They realized like I did that, you know, that generation of people from Long Island, those boomer parents, they were not helicopter parents.
I'll tell you that much.
It wasn't like the Asian tiger bomb where they were just like, hey, let it happen.
You know, we lived our life.
We had our journey.
You're going to have yours.
You know, and that was it.
It was kind of hands-off.
The guy that's featured for me now was on the phone with his dad the other day, and it was so nice.
And his father was so invested in what he was doing and wanted to know about everything he was doing.
And it's like, oh, that's what parenting is supposed to be.
And my friends and a lot of our parents, they were wild people.
They were fun.
They were big personalities.
But, you know, it was about them.
They were invested in them, that whole generation of people.
They were just invested in them.
And their kids were in the picture, but weren't the picture.
And I remember this woman.
And they'd, you know, like many of these relationships, they break up, they get back together.
They break up.
They get back together.
She goes to jail.
You know how relationships are, folks.
You get back together.
Somebody goes to jail for identity theft.
You get out of jail.
You get a little Coke.
You put some of that on the street.
You make a little money.
You lose a little money.
You have to go back to fuck some other guy you don't know and you fucking write some fake checks.
You know, you take his credit card.
You take an advance on that.
You're bouncing around.
You get it.
It's relationships.
That's what they are.
They're all deals.
We're all making deals every minute of the day.
She was always up to something.
You know, phone conversations and parking lots where no one could hear her, that type of stuff.
A fun woman.
Again, someone that I watched from afar and up close.
I had no real investment in the outcome.
I didn't want her to murder my friend, but I knew that that was a possibility.
And that would have been okay too.
Not that I wanted him to die, but sometimes people make a choice and they can't unmake it.
You got to follow it to its logical conclusion.
We always used to kid around.
You know, she had an older grandmother and we said, she's going to kill that woman.
She's going to push that woman down the stairs to try to inherit money or something.
We always believed that.
And we thought my friend would go along with it.
We go, he'll probably do it too.
It's just what they have to do.
Sometimes you can't get in the way of somebody's story.
Sometimes you can't sit down with someone and go, listen, you have to be a good moral person.
It would be a waste of their time.
Not everybody's here to do that.
Some people are here not for a long time, but for a good time.
They're going to have a little fun.
They're going to make it interesting.
They're what you're going to talk about in the diner while you're eating your eggs.
You're going to read about them in the paper.
Some people need to be that person and you can't get in their way.
So many of you are moralists.
It's so boring.
Oh, stop doing drugs.
Stop stealing money.
Don't be a whore.
Oh, fuck you.
Some people find that that's the only way they can feel free, the only way they can feel alive.
It's really not my business.
It's truly not my business.
I'd rather you not abuse children.
You know, I'd rather you not.
But I will say, I think this woman, for all of her, you know, negatives, was a decent mother.
You know, she had kids from many different races.
She was woke.
What I'm thinking is when I remember her, I remember just somebody who, when you were with her, anything could happen.
You know, just you just felt, I mean, and I literally mean anything.
And I remember one day we were sitting in my friend's home in Long Island, and the state police showed up about four cars and they knocked on the door and they said, Is Blugojevich there?
They didn't use that word.
They used her real name.
And my friend Ryan was like, No, I don't, what?
Who?
And they said, Well, this is how you work.
Because at that time, she was on Indiana's most wanted.
She was on a list of people from Indiana's most wanted for fake checks, I think, identity theft, things like that.
The most wanted.
They wanted her, in other words, and they were coming.
And my friend opened the door because we knew you never know the level of skullduggery someone's involved with, especially somebody like her.
She was kind of a pro, almost a pro.
Like she was pretty damn good at what she did.
She wasn't great at it.
She's in jail now because she got a few Deewees, but she was pretty fucking, you know, the state police showed up and they said, Hey, where's Blugojevich?
And he was like, She's not here.
And they said, Listen, this is how it works.
We have a warrant for the property.
We're going to go in.
And if we find her, you're going to go away as an accessory because that's how this works.
So I'm going to ask you one more time: where is she?
And my friend just looked at them and he went, She's in the kitchen.
And they got her.
They took her away.
And I remember my friend's father, he said, you know what was scary about it?
He goes, you know what was really disturbing?
He goes, you guys, you're big fucking guys.
You know, my friend's like a bodybuilder type guy.
He goes, you guys are big fucking guys.
He goes, if state police had showed up to take you guys to jail, you would have been panicked.
He goes, you would have seen it in your face.
He goes, this bitch showed no emotion.
She just walked the fuck out of the house, stone cold.
He goes, she's a career criminal.
I remember having dinner with them.
And he goes, she's a career criminal.
And I was just, we were just drinking martinis and eating.
And they were trying to make him understand, but not for that long because then, you know, they started talking about buying condos and, you know, in Florida and, you know, the boomers, baby.
They were just basically like, now, more importantly, our son might be dating somebody on the most wanted list, but let's discuss condos.
Meet Cute Scripted Stories00:07:35
Let's discuss how we can get out of here, how we can get away.
Let's plan our escape.
But she was an amazing, fun lady.
I remember the first time I was in Chicago because that's where she came from.
She came from the suburbs.
Her mother ran a business.
Her mother had money.
They had money.
They had a big house in the suburbs.
They had fucking money.
She didn't come from, you know, this wasn't, she had just enough money to know she wanted more money.
And, you know, she just couldn't live the straight life.
Just wasn't in her.
She just wanted it to scam or a con.
She wanted somebody to work over.
She wanted to just put money in her pocket that wasn't hers.
You know, that's just what she got off on doing, you know.
And my friend, you know, came from some money.
And I think she thought this is a great way to kind of just perch myself, you know, next to somebody that has a little money.
And then also, you know, is, you know, my friend also, you know, morally bankrupt.
And, you know, I mean, like to an extent, we were all drug addicts.
You know, we're all doing drugs.
We were all, you know, we weren't exactly, you know, upstanding members of society.
So she never felt uncomfortable with us.
But I remember we drove to Blagojevich's house to give her dogs because her and my friend had just, this is true, a guy had left, they became friends with this guy.
He went to Europe for a year and they were, I think, maybe supposed to get his mail or whatever.
They just moved into his apartment.
They just moved into his apartment and started living there.
And then until that scam was up and they were thrown out of that.
So these are just, they're grifters.
They were living in someone else's apartment.
I mean, I came over.
I go, whose home is this?
Oh, it's some guy.
We're just living here.
He had no idea they were living in his fucking apartment.
So they, when that, when, when that, unfortunately, when that was, you know, when time was up on that scam, she went back to Chicago.
You know, my friend during this time is like working for gyms in Long Island, which would, I don't even know what that means.
I think it means just selling HGH in the parking lot of an Applebee's.
And she is doing, you know, odd jobs.
I mean, I don't know that she ever had a job.
She was dancing.
I think she was stripping.
She was all over the place.
And so we take this road trip with these two dogs to Chicago and we visit the house of Blagojevich.
And we meet Blagojevich's mother.
And this woman was wild.
300 pounds if she was a pound.
Pacamarbora menthol lights.
Mocha Frappuccino Grande every day in a big fucking truck.
I was in the front seat with her and she was just screaming on a nextel at somebody.
I think she was in trucking or whatever.
She was just wild.
She was just a tough bitch.
And that was Blagoevich's mother.
I was like, this is a fucking, this is a wild family.
Her dad, I don't remember her dad at all, which either means he was like a soft-spoken guy, or I don't know.
But the mom was the dominant force in the house.
A no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners, bitch who had built a business.
Fuck you.
She knows money.
She knew her business inside and out.
Don't fuck with her type of lady, respected the hell out of her.
Only knew her for a few hours, really, but enjoyed her, you know.
And then, and, you know, we hung out.
It was St. Patrick's Day.
We all got drunk.
You know, they died the River Green, you know.
And my friend and me dropped the dogs off.
And then we went home.
And it was a fucking really interesting relationship to watch.
It ended as they do, as these things do, you know.
My friend started dating another woman from Long Island and they started doing heroin.
And this girl had a few Deewees and is serving, I think, almost a decade in prison right now.
And it's sad that those things happen, you know?
It's unfortunate.
But would I have wanted it another way?
Would I have wanted it another way?
The answer is no.
Because we just have to let things happen.
Would I have wanted, you know, them to be, you know, missionaries for the church, going around and trying to show people the light of Christ?
I don't know.
No.
They were fun people.
And sometimes when you have a lot of fun in life, you pay a little bit of a price.
I've paid a price.
We've all paid a price.
And so my message out there is: if you have fun people in your life, and I mean truly fun people, not like fun people, like, oh my God, Shelly is so fun.
She has a few drinks and she makes everyone dance.
I mean really fun people.
Indiana's most wanted.
State police, people getting arrested, front page news articles.
You won't leave your wallet in the room with them.
You think your phone might be tapped.
That type of person.
Their family pulls you aside when you walk into their house and go, you should stay the fuck away from them.
That kind of friendship, that kind of fun.
If you have one of those, keep your distance, be smart, but also don't try to make them into something they're not.
It just isn't going to work.
It's not going to work.
They know who they are and they're leaning in.
They're having the journey they need to have.
Maybe later on in life, they realize the errors of their ways.
I'm sure.
You know, whatever.
I'm not saying go out there and hurt people.
But if you know somebody and they're a con artist, a cheater, a grifter, a derelict, but they're fun at dinner.
It's so important to be fun at dinner.
Go out with a substitute teacher and listen to her mouth.
Listen to her talk about grading papers and parent teacher conferences, and you will run back to somebody who's on the most wanted list.
If just for the fucking story, you're only on this planet once.
How bored do you want to be?
How meaningless do you want all of your interactions to be?
You got to find some people that spice it up.
You do.
And that was who this was.
That was Blagojevich.
She was spice.
My friend would call me, you know, our other friend, not the one that was dating her, but another guy.
He'd be like, yeah, man.
He's like, she's in real trouble now.
They got her on this and that.
Somehow she's out.
She made bail.
She's back out.
We're all going to go to dinner.
I'd go, oh, great.
You know, fun.
I don't know.
Listen, I don't judge.
I mean, you know, we all do in our own way, but you just got to let it happen, folks.
She was a fun woman.
I feel bad that she's in jail now.
I feel bad that that negatively impacts her family.
I feel bad that my friend went on and started doing heroin.
Love Criminals And Hollywood00:05:58
I don't like any of those things.
They're not good things.
But my role in that situation was nothing.
It was simply to watch.
Many of you think you're too powerful.
This is the problem.
You think you're too powerful that people give a shit what you say.
They're not.
They don't.
And you're not.
Sit back.
Relax.
Let it run its course.
It's going to go where it's going to go anyway.
Your opinion notwithstanding.
Your little sit-down notwithstanding.
Oh, you're going to have a talk with someone.
You're going to have a talk with them.
You're going to straighten it out.
You're going to go, you know, you know, you should not keep doing Coke with this stripper.
It's got a hot box and you fucking should.
No, you gotta, you gotta just rein it in and slow it down.
You're living to know, it's stop.
You're wasting your time.
You're wasting your time.
What you say to them is, what do you got?
Soke on the street?
Are you making any money?
Let me get involved.
Be smart.
Obviously, don't be the guy handing people bags, but go in there with a few bucks.
See if you can turn your money around.
Flip a little money.
Yes, I'm telling you, if you get the chance, you should sell cocaine.
I'm not serious about that.
Or am I?
I don't know.
I don't know your life.
It's not my again.
None of it is my business.
Meet Cute.
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Well, there you have it.
It can't be dark all the time, folks.
Sometimes you need to, you need to go out there and find some light, some hope, some love.
And that's where you go to Meet Cute.
Meet Cute.
I mean, what is this?
I don't even know what you can find Meet Cute on your favorite podcast platform.
Yes, it's a podcast, and they have a library of stories waiting for you featuring diverse character settings and storylines.
I mean, I wonder, is this like porn?
Are you jacking it to this?
Is this something that's like, when you listen to it, you're like, I don't even know.
Or is it just like a rom- I guess it's just rom-com, like lovey, like romantic comedy, made in Manhattan, J-Lo's the maid.
She meets a white guy, blah, blah, blah.
Isn't that the plot of that?
I think it is, right?
I think it's that type of shit.
I would love to advertise porn podcasts on here.
I think that might do a little better for my audience.
But Meet Cute has a library of stories waiting for you.
Latest love stories.
It's made up of five three-minute chapters.
So each story is made up of five three-minute chapters.
I should do a meet.
I just did a meet cute.
I just told you a lovely story about my two friends who met each other and had a great relationship, which as many Long Island relationships ended in jail and heroin.
Meet Cute.
Five three-minute chapters.
Be great.
The Meet Cute story.
Jeffrey and Gislane.
Jeffrey and Gislane.
He was a successful banker from New York City with a checkered past.
She was a British socialite whose father was an asset of the Israeli intelligence service.
Her father was a media mogul.
She had a keen eye for men that just needed a little polish.
She met Jeffrey.
Meet Cute.
They knew they liked each other immediately.
They started a business trafficking children to the wealthy elite of the world.
They started a startup servicing billionaire pedophile Satanists.
Wild.
Meet Cute.
I don't know who that is for, this Meet Cute.
You know, when you, it could be for, listen, maybe it's great.
I haven't listened.
Rom-coms can be funny.
I should listen to it.
I don't know who it's for.
But you know what it is?
You should check it out.
I'm actually going to check it out out of pure curiosity because I don't want to, I don't want to, like, I'm curious as to what you can do in three minutes.
And there's five chapters, five three-minute chapters.
And I'm wondering, will they let me do my version of a love story on Meet Cute?
I'm guessing no.
But I would like to do a little scripted three-minute story.
And I just don't understand.
I don't understand why I can't do that.
Meet Cute.
I love that.
The first ad is like, get a backpack to overthrow the government.
Second ad's like, it's cat.
Do you want cute?
Do you want rom-com?
Cute.
It's nice.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Go check it out.
You know, morbid curiosity.
It might be fucking great.
It might be great or not.
We'll see.
Goodbye.
I just had a conversation the other day with somebody about this particular situation.
And they're like, you know, we should have done more.
We should have said more.
Thriving On Chaos And Drama00:08:55
We should.
What?
What are you going to say?
It's obvious what's going to happen.
We all know what's going to happen.
You don't start dating a stripper and think that it's going to work out.
It's not going to work out.
But it's going to be fun.
Doesn't anyone care about fun anymore?
Doesn't anyone want to be entertained?
Doesn't anyone want to be in a car with somebody who's committed multiple felonies and will continue to?
It's good.
Listen, you can't do it your whole life.
You got to grow up.
I'm 35.
It's not fun anymore.
It's a lot of fun in your early 20s.
Be friends with criminals in your early 20s.
It's worth it.
In your late teens and early 20s, be friends with criminals.
It's valuable.
Watch the way they live and work.
It's fun.
It's not all bad.
The life of crime is not all bad.
There's some value to it.
You got to understand that.
You got to understand it because, you know, in the society that we live, really everything's a crime.
Everything's a hustle.
Everything's fake before it's real.
It's all bullshit first, right?
You want to be an investor.
You want to be, you know, in real estate.
You want to be this.
You want to be that.
Whatever you want to be, you're not that when you start.
And eventually you have to become that.
And I think that you could get a lot of inspiration from criminals.
You can get a lot of inspiration from people that literally have to do everything themselves.
Criminals get very little help, unless they work on Wall Street.
They get very little help from the government.
Everything's a grassroots operation.
I mean, this woman had to knock over men on her own time.
She learned all those skills.
It's not nothing.
It's not nothing to, you know, to be wanted for identity theft in several states.
It means you had a little bit of an operation going, you know?
Learn from these people.
You don't want to emulate their activities per se, but there's something refreshing about a criminal.
Somebody who's there to take your money and rob you.
Somebody who doesn't have any morals, that sees life as a zero-sum game.
They want to claw your eyes out, take everything from you.
They just try to, that's why they're so good in bed.
They're just trying to fuck their soul out.
They don't have one.
They're trying to feel something and they can't, you know?
You know, the people that are the best fucks aren't the people you're necessarily going to marry, you know, but they are the people where you should probably hide your wallet or at least lock it up until they leave.
These are people that you need to spend a little time with.
You shouldn't have an entire existence on planet Earth, okay, without fraternizing with a few of these people.
You might not want to get too deep.
I got a little too deep with some of these people because I was a druggie and drugs make you sloppy.
They make you reckless, but you should observe life.
You should.
It shouldn't only, you know, I talk to elites.
I talk to guys who go to Ivy League schools and their lives, all they've spent their whole fucking life from the lacrosse team to the fucking Ivy League school to the private club they go to with their dad.
It's all the same fucking people.
How boring is that?
Don't you want to be doing Coke in a pay-by-the-hour motel in Tampa?
Yes, you do.
You want to have a full life.
I love the fact that I spent many years of my life doing cocaine in, you know, essentially flop houses.
I mean, you know, I look back on it.
I would not have traded that for the world.
I really would not have.
It's the best education I've ever got.
Criminals are interesting.
You can't, you know, you shouldn't be a criminal if you're not good at it.
But they're an interesting type of people.
And you realize that it's not all the government.
It's not all some program that's going to fix everything.
You make everything fair and equitable and nobody's going to commit crime.
Fuck you.
You want to live in that world?
You want to live in a world where nobody's trying to fuck you over?
God, can you imagine?
Fear is good.
It's good to know that people want to kill you.
It's incredibly healthy.
I've always maintained that you can, yes, you shouldn't be overly paranoid and you shouldn't be overly cynical, but you should also realize that people are trying to kill you.
Both of those things can exist in your head.
Both thoughts simultaneously.
They can both be true.
This is just the nature of the beast.
It's the nature of what human beings are.
Our lives were enhanced by Blagojevich.
Blagojevich was fun.
She kept us on our toes.
She kept us looking out for detectives in our rearview mirror.
Who's going to get her?
Somebody's going to get her.
They always get gotten.
It's just the way it is.
Most of them end up in a cell.
But, you know, if you're lucky enough, if you're lucky enough, you'll know them for a brief period of time and they'll enrich your life with their chaos, with their insanity, with their scams and their scheming.
They'll make it fun.
They'll give you a story to tell on a podcast while you're in Chicago waiting to do shows.
You know, they'll give you someone to read about in the papers later on when you check up on them and you go, oh, yeah.
Again, you never knew her.
I didn't know what kind of person she was.
I mean, inside.
I mean, on the outside, she was a bad person.
And on the inside, she was also probably also bad.
But I didn't know that.
I never got close to her that close.
I was always around her.
But you can be always around people and not really know them, you know?
But just don't necessarily exclude criminals from your inner circle.
I think it's a big mistake.
I think, you know, trust me, Mayor Pete doesn't.
All those fucking people that are funneling money into his campaign, criminals.
They're a lot better at it, you know.
They don't get Deewees and end up in jail.
You know, they don't get, you know, taken out of a Long Island kitchen by the SWAT team, but criminals, nonetheless.
No politician says no to criminals.
They all love criminals.
Because the richer a criminal is, it's so easy.
You know, the redemptive powers of society are just, they just work.
It's like, well, you know, when somebody has a lot of money, they're allowed to make some mistakes, you know, fudge a few things, blur a few lines.
They're still a good person.
They've done a lot for their community.
You know, they've just made a few errors.
Errors in judgment.
Errors in judgment.
That's what it is.
So understand, you can't understand America without understanding crime.
And I don't mean, you know, low-level, desperate street crime.
I mean institutional criminality.
Crime.
People that are willing to find ways to subvert the democratic process to get around the law.
This is what we've done forever.
You know, the Wild West, the mafia.
We love criminals.
We respect them.
We have them on our walls, in our house.
We idolize them.
We watch films about them.
Because what do they represent down deep?
They represent freedom.
Freedom to do whatever the fuck they want, to build their own empire, to not have a boss, to not take any shit from anyone, to not have to worry about your family or your friends, to be able to protect people, you know, to be an outlaw.
These are the things they represent.
Now, in reality, that's not always the case.
In fact, it's rarely the case.
But it's what they represent, what they represent.
We like that.
We like Trump.
We like Trump's a criminal.
He's a criminal.
He's a big real estate developer with a bunch of buildings in Manhattan.
He's done business with a ton of shady people his entire career.
We like that.
Fuck yeah.
He can say whatever he wants.
He can live in a big gold apartment and just fire off tweets from the shitter.
He's a boss.
He's a mob boss.
He's a Don.
We love that shit.
We love it.
So even if you don't want to be friends with criminals up close, don't come to me and say that I'm some type of hypocrite.
I mean, not hypocrite or that you don't be a hypocrite.
You say that I'm oversimplifying things.
No, you love criminals too.
Why do you think you watch all those Martin Scorsese movies?
You love them.
You just don't want to see what it really is, what it truly is.
You just like criminals when they're done up in movies, when it's Hollywood.
But I like the organic version, the grassroots, the people that are just getting started.
And unfortunately, Blagojevich, she never made it to, you know, really fucking people over, you know, inheriting that company her mother ran and, you know, really getting involved in some import-export shit, getting mobbed up.
Let Them Do What They're Going To Do00:09:12
You know, maybe one day, maybe one day it'll happen.
We don't know.
But she was what I'll think.
I'll always think about her when I think about Chicago.
I'll always think about That period of my life, you know, sort of this lawless, corrupt individual that came to symbolize an entire city.
I like her.
You know, I feel I would, I, you know, I would, I'd spring her out of jail if I could.
I can't, but I would.
I get her and my friend together, and we go to Miller's Alehouse in Levittown, have a nice little reunion, you know?
Because that's what it's all about.
But I can't do that.
And I'll probably never see them again.
That's the way life also works.
But, you know, I don't regret spending time, you know, with a real, with a real one.
She was a real one, you know?
And I hope one day somebody who knows her listens to this and, you know, don't be mad at her.
She was just going.
She was just going where she was going.
Stop getting in people's way.
Let them live your life.
Stop getting it.
We all know the woman that like gets excited when someone falls down in a train station because they can help.
You know that woman is.
You see it in her face.
The woman who wants to be in control of everything.
She also wants to be seen as like a helper.
So, you know, you have one of them in your family.
As soon as something happens, she goes into like this mode where she's like, let's go right now.
I'll help.
You go there.
Secure the perimeter.
I'm going to get them.
You know who this person is.
She wants to help and she also wants to be the boss.
She wants control.
That's what she wants.
She only comes alive when tragedy happens.
You see this person.
She perks right up.
Car accident, boom.
She's ready to go.
She darts out the door.
She's ready to, she wants to cradle somebody's head in her arms.
That's who, that's who a lot of people are.
A lot of people out there just want to help, not to truly help, because they just want control.
They want to feel alive.
They want to feel important.
But what you have to do is just let it fucking go.
So in closing here, folks, I think we've learned a little bit.
Your youth is supposed to be for making mistakes, surrounding yourself with the wrong people, fucking some of those people, pushing, you know, the boundaries of where you should be.
Become friends with very rich people.
Become friends with very poor people.
Become friends with people that don't follow the rules.
Break the rules yourself occasionally if you can, you know, if you can face the consequences.
Become friends with people that are fun.
Laugh.
Do the wrong thing every now and then.
There's a singer that I like who said, she goes, I don't do things for the moral of the story.
I do them for the story.
And I think that's, that's where I've come around to on Bogoevich.
Just a great American story.
A girl raised wealthy.
No reason for her to behave the way she did.
None.
Zero.
None.
That makes it all the more fun.
That makes it fun.
If she was a desperate girl coming to the projects who needed to do this, it would be sad.
But this story's fun because she comes from an upper middle class upbringing and she still wanted to go into the dark corners of the world.
That's a fun broad.
Beautiful, idyllic, suburban home business she could have stepped into and ran, but fuck it.
There was just something there, something dark, something a thirst that needed to be quenched, you know?
And you realize the limits of, you know, good, listen, God bless Bernie Sanders.
I hope you get everyone free college.
Half of them won't go.
What are you going to do then?
Show up, put a gun to their head.
The problems in this country are, you know, they're institutional, but they're also personal.
They're also personal.
I don't know exactly how you're going to turn this whole thing around and you're probably not going to.
But when I saw that big, idyllic suburban home that she came from and then where she decided to go and the places that she wanted to spend her time, you started understanding that sometimes people, there's just an itch inside of them that they need to scratch.
And sometimes they're going to scratch it so much that you're just going to start bleeding and bleed to death.
It's what happens.
And you really can't get in the way of that.
If you try too hard to stop those people, you will get involved with those people and become those people.
And then their horrors become your horrors.
That's the problem.
And maybe that's what you wanted anyway.
Maybe all the help you were trying to give them is because you just want the chaos and the drama because you thrive on it and you want to do it, but you don't want to steal anyone's identity, but you like the idea that you're in this train wrecks life.
Step back.
Watch it like you watch Ozark.
You try to help the people on Ozark?
No.
Why?
Because they're not real, just like this, just like anything.
It's not real.
It's just a story being written somewhere, and you have no control over it.
The writers decide what's going to happen.
They decide who dies, who lives, who goes to jail, and you just watch it.
And the minute you try to involve yourself in it, even in the crusade of moralism, I'm going to do good.
I'm going to, you become, you become the story.
You can't tell the story if you become the story.
So step back, get away, walk the other way.
There's a few people in life that you truly love and you truly care about.
And I'm telling you right now, don't even help them because you'll hurt them.
You'll hurt them if you help them.
If someone you know falls and you hear them screaming, and I literally mean this, if you hear an elderly person that you know screaming, put on, put in your earpods and just listen to Doja Cat.
Listen to Juicy Juicy.
And eventually the screaming will stop because that person will have either given up or they'll die.
But it was never your business anyway.
You know, people make their own decisions.
It's not a big fucking deal.
You know, you know, God bless Pogojevich.
You know, hopefully your kids turn out great.
They will.
The family has money.
It'll be fine.
Or not.
Again, not my thing.
Not my thing.
My friend, good guy.
Love him.
He'll straighten himself out.
Or he won't.
Again, not my thing.
You try.
You try.
And then trying gets boring.
It gets boring.
You know, maybe some people's destiny is to just Bonnie and Clyde ride out in a hail of bullets.
And you're getting in the way of that.
You're getting the way of that because you want them to go have brunch.
Leave them alone.
Let them do what they're going to do.
Don't necessarily, you know, keep your distance, but enjoy the ride.
Enjoy the ride out there.
You know, that's all it is.
That's what the billionaires do.
They enjoy the ride.
They manage it when they can.
They manage.
They get in.
But at the end of the day, what happens happens.
TimDillerComedy.com.
Live dates.
We're back in the studio next week.
All the episodes are going to be in the studio going forward.
This was just a very long week in Chicago doing a lot of shows.
There was not much we could do in terms of that.
TimDylanComedy.com for all live dates.
And I hate recording, not in the studio.
I just love being in the studio now that we have it.
We're going to make it better.
We're very excited.
Jamie Vernon, Rogan's guy, is going to come help us do a few things.
We're pumped about that.
You stay pumped about it too.
And we'll be back on YouTube.
So don't fucking complain and whine.
And there's no video.
There's no video.
You know, every week from now on will be video.
This is just one week we could not make it fucking happen.
But, you know, go steal someone's identity, folks.
Go.
Go try their life on.
See how it works.
Go have some fun.
Or at the very least, go find someone who's done that and take them to dinner.