Tim addresses the Ari Shaffir controversy, talks his latest addiction to Million Dollar Listing, and tries to get Swingers ordered to the studio. For weekly Bonus Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Tim Dillon Live Dates: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Please Support Our Sponsors: Get 20% Off + Free Shipping, with the code T-I-M at Manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you! Go to www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. Get the ridge, folks. Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Tw
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Ari Shafir Tweet Controversy00:08:36
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show here from the new studio.
I'm wearing a blue shirt to contrast from the black background.
I do not work at Best Buy, but fuck you to the person who said that.
Let's kind of address the Ari Shafir tweet because a lot of people are talking about it and it's been a, you know, a lot of people are kind of reacting to it.
Let me read this very controversial tweet Ari Shafir wrote.
Aretha Franklin showed generations of black people that big can be beautiful, dooming them to a diabetes epidemic, roast in hell monster.
Again, it's a lot.
And I can understand why that angered certain people.
Aretha Franklin's an icon, maybe one of the greatest singers, songwriters of all time.
Not songwriters, but she's, you know, she's a performer.
She's amazing.
She's an icon.
And I totally understand why some people were not appreciative of Ari's insinuation that somehow her being a big woman somehow made diabetes prevalent in the black community and that somehow she was somehow responsible for that.
I do understand why people are angry about that.
And I think that Ari does as well.
And, you know, he's faced some consequences for that tweet.
Why are you laughing?
But that's what is funny about that.
Nothing.
Because I don't think it was that funny.
No, it wasn't very offensive.
About Aretha Franklin.
That's why people are angry with him, right?
Yeah.
Is that not it?
I mean, you're saying, is it, is there, I mean, you're looking at me like I'm wrong.
What?
Well, you know about the Cope.
People were mad at him about the Kobe thing.
What did he say about Kobe?
He said Kobe died 28 years too late.
Fuck the Lakers.
Fuck Kobe.
He's kind of celebrating that Kobe died.
I don't know if you saw that.
That's why people are upset.
Yeah.
That's what it is?
Yeah, the day they dug up the Aretha Franklin tweet.
They're mad at him about...
Yeah.
Get it up what he said about Cope.
This is fucking crazy to me.
I had no idea.
I thought they found an Aretha Franklin tweet.
Let's see.
Let me find this here.
Kobe Bryant died 23 years too late today.
He got away with rape because all the Hollywood liberals who attack comedy enjoy rooting for the Lakers more than they dislike rape.
Big ups to the hero who forgot to gas up his chopper.
I hate the Lakers.
What a great day.
Hashtag fuck the Lakers.
That's why people are angry.
Yeah.
I get it now because I had thought that they were angry because they dug up the Aretha Franklin death tweet.
Well, folks, I'm kidding, of course.
That's our opening bit.
I know what happened.
I'm not out of it.
I'm well aware of what's going on.
I, you know, I'm like anyone else.
I, you know, I'm like any other American.
I just, you know, survive in a haze of junk food and self-hatred.
And then every now and then I perk right up when I hear that there's a controversy and I get my ears and eyes peeled and I, you know, feel things because that's what we all need to feel things now.
We need rage to just feel.
It's not enough to be like, ooh, it's a sunny day.
We need to feel like something is being, you know, happening and unfolding in front of us.
We love that.
We like a controversy.
We like a fight.
We like, you know, so I think that his tweet, if when I look at it, I go, you know, I would not have said that.
I mean, that's.
But Ari is consistent with that bit that he does, where when somebody dies, he says the most fucked up thing he can say about the person.
And he does it rather immediately.
Like this is what he does after every single notable person dies or celebrity dies.
He goes and he tweets something really heinous as their body is still warm.
And I think this is clearly by far the most flack he's ever gotten for it because this is the biggest person he's ever said it about.
You know, Kobe's, you know, an icon.
The whole entire city of Los Angeles is mourning.
We have friends that have been really upset because they've been like, Kobe was like a father to me, which that also doesn't make sense.
That's also Ari saying the wrong thing, but that's also insane on the other side to say this guy's your dad.
When you have a dad, you can't, it's not, he's not your dad.
It's what it is.
He's an iconic figure.
And I get that everyone's processing it in different ways, but there's people I've seen on Twitter that have been like, he's like a member of my family.
What?
Huh?
I'm lost.
But I do get the importance of the guy.
And, you know, now I think, you know, people, Ari's parents have been doxxed.
People are calling in bomb threats to the venues he's performing at.
I mean, it is, you know, I mean, the internet, they get it popping.
They really do.
I mean, they don't waste any time trying to dismantle your life when something like that happens.
You know, I remember when Dina Hashem made a joke about XXX Tension, the rapper, and she had to make all of her accounts private because, you know, like black emo teenagers were threatening to kill her or something.
I don't know who that guy's fan base was, but I mean, hey, I get it.
I've made a few jokes about Billie Eilish and, you know, people have her, you know, young goth women have, you know, surrounded me, you know, to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
And I've taken many, many a beating for that.
You know, I've taken a I've taken some body blows for I'm just not a huge fan of the music.
That's all.
Ari is a funny guy.
He's been a good person to me.
As another comic, he's always been somebody who's looked out, I think, for comics.
He's introduced me to people.
He showed my stuff to people.
He is not, but I do understand why people, I'll never understand why somebody doxes someone's parents.
I mean, I'll never understand why somebody goes online and tries to like people that had nothing to do with this.
Like Ari's fucking parents survived the Holocaust.
Like they had nothing.
I think his dad survived the Holocaust.
Like they had nothing to do.
It's not like his dad's texting him what to say about Kobe Bryant.
So it's so absurd that anybody would do that.
That being said, I know why people are angry and upset about it.
And, you know, hey, I mean, I think that we should all choose our words carefully when someone has died that is a beloved figure.
You got to choose your words carefully.
Now, you know, I have a video where I say that Megan McCain will only have sex with her father.
And I say that she'll fuck his corpse.
She'll fuck his corpse.
Daddy.
And that's a video I have, right?
I say that Megan McCain will only have sexual relations with her father's corpse.
Buying Properties With Money Laundering00:15:14
So, and it's like, you know, fun.
It's like a funny video to me.
I understand maybe why somebody, but I didn't do it the day he died.
But I'm clearly not going to get on like a moral high horse about like what type of things people can say.
I'm sure there's things that I've said or will say that might get people, you know, what are you going to do?
You know, you know, I mean, so I wish him the best.
I've kind of been not paying attention to this as much as, you know, I should or I really shouldn't.
No one should pay attention to anything in my book.
Just fucking turn it off.
Turn it off.
I've been watching real estate shows for the past 72 hours.
I've been watching real estate shows based in LA, million-dollar listing, selling sunset.
And what I like about these shows is they're not about anything.
None of the characters are particularly memorable.
They all try to be.
That's the thing with like these reality shows.
They try to be quirky or different, but they're not.
The only reason people watch these is it's real estate porn and they shoot the houses so beautifully and everything about LA is sun-drenched and gorgeous.
And then when you walk around, I like even some of these nice houses, they're just boxes and dirt.
That's what a lot of them are, especially when we go up into the Hollywood Hills.
They're just concrete boxes that someone stuck in a mound of cat litter and they put little infinity pools outside and everybody pays $10 million to live there.
But it's really, when you see it, it's not nearly as impressive as this beautiful, seductive style of shooting where, because Ben always tells me, oh, we can't shoot in the middle of the day because it's too sunny.
But somehow the Bravo team has found a way to like, like it's sexual.
And they dress.
So why is that?
Why can we never do it?
But they can do it is because their equipment is better.
Well, they have a $40,000 camera.
Okay.
So that's, that's what.
Why do you talk like that?
Well, how am I talking?
You don't talk like that in real life.
You go, they have a 40,000.
I don't talk like deep and I listen back.
I don't think I sound like that.
You never speak the way you're speaking right now.
I listen back.
That guy's down.
These fucking shows, they're so vapid and they're not real.
Like none of the negotiations are real because the negotiations are all very like, you're at 10.5.
We got to find a way to get to 13.
We've got to find a way to get to 13.5.
We're a million apart.
It's too far.
We're just too far apart.
We've got to make a deal work.
But the real negotiations, I feel like, are like, listen, this is all Chinese blood money.
They can't get this amount of money out of the country immediately.
You're going to need to fucking take a few contingencies on this deal, okay?
This guy's on the fucking run.
He just poisoned a river.
They want him for genocide, but he loves infinity pools.
So he wants this property.
But he could be in the UN criminal court soon at The Hague.
I mean, they want him for torture.
I mean, literally, but he adores this property.
He likes the finishes.
He loves the Onyx table.
He loves it.
It's got multiple exposures.
He loves it as one of the best streets in Beverly Hills.
But you got to give him some time to get the money out of the country because he's being accused of genocide.
He's just being accused of genocide.
But he adores that he can get 3,000 feet of outdoor living space because that's a lot to get.
I explained this to him.
I explained this to him while he was sawing off the arm of one of his political opponents.
I said, will you just cut the buzzsaw down for a minute and listen to me?
You're getting 3,000 feet of outdoor living space in the hills.
This is big.
No one gets this.
Not for this price point.
Because that's who's buying a lot of these properties.
It's dictators.
It's blood money.
A lot of this is blood.
That's why the real estate show should just be called blood money.
It should be called blood money.
And it should be about people talking about that they now have to sell these high-end properties to third world, the dictators of third world countries.
That's what the show should be.
It should be blood money.
You should be like, there's a lot of powerful people in the world.
And sometimes they have to leave their countries after a coup, but they love the sexy Los Angeles sun.
So we're selling them hot properties.
Sure, many of them have been accused credibly of genocide and poisoning entire races of people.
But one thing they love is a nice view.
So come on and watch blood money.
They'll be like, the only people that can really afford these high, and it'll just be a realtor.
It'll be like a good-looking realtor with like hot manola blottic shoes.
She'll be sitting on Sunset Boulevard and she'll be like, you know, some of the only people that can afford these properties right now are murderers.
I mean, real murderers.
I'm not even talking about OJ.
I mean, they've done shit.
I'm talking about biblical proportions.
I mean, they have laid down hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, but they're coming in.
Like Michael Bloomberg, I remember, who like delusional people think is going to be the president.
Like, how nuts do you have to be to think Bloomberg has a shot?
Or how rich?
Because that's also, my friend's parents are very wealthy and they're like, we like Bloomberg.
And it's like, yeah, of course you do.
So how rich or how insane do you have to be to think Bloomberg is a shot?
Bloomberg said about New York City.
He's like, bring all the billionaires.
We want them all.
We want them all.
And like, you have to realize it's like, yeah, but some of them have done some dirty deeds.
You know, we want all of the billionaires.
So what?
They've, you know, poisoned people in their own country.
They like shrimp cocktail.
They like steak.
Let them come here.
We'll get them a beautiful penthouse.
But that's what it should be called.
It should just be called blood money.
You know, selling the high, you know, because that's what we're doing.
just selling the rest of New York and LA to people, a lot of them who've earned their money by grinding people into a paste so that they have the kind of money where they can come over here because they go, you know, I ground everyone into a paste.
Everybody's upset about it, but I want my kids to go to NYU.
So I want to get something nice in Tribeca, you know.
My kids love gossip girl.
My daughters love gossip girl.
So I want to get something on the Upper East Side.
You know, my daughters are just huge fans of the hills.
They love, you know, they just, they just want to watch it.
So, but that is literally when I did this show on a tour bus in New York City where we rented out a double-decker bus and took it through New York.
We would point out where these like Russian fertilizer magnets lived and these, you know, Chinese amusement park tycoons and, you know, Russian gangsters.
And a lot of these people were gangsters.
And I don't even mean, I'm not one of these guys who just says, oh, if you're a billionaire, you're necessarily a murderer.
That's not the worst, by the way.
I mean, you'd, you would, if you were throwing a dartboard, there's a lot.
You know, if you threw a dartboard at, if you threw darts at a bunch of billionaires on a board, you would hit a few murderers pretty quickly.
But I'm not one of those guys who's like, oh, you're necessarily like an evil guy.
But a lot of these people that were just stashing their money in real estate in New York or LA were actually really like nefarious characters that had, you know, one guy that lived in the Time Warner Center had poisoned a river in Zambia.
Like he was a mining magnet.
I think his name is Anit Agarwal.
He was a mining magnate and he had basically, you know, he was like, you know, somebody who had done some really deadly things with the waste that his like mine produced.
And he wanted, they want, they was like, he was literally being accused of like a genocide or at least like poisoning river and killing a bunch of people.
And then just the idea that, you know, he came over to New York.
And that's why he didn't want, this is why real estate in New York or LA is so attractive to these people is that number one, they don't buy it under their own name.
Like nobody gets real estate under their name.
They get it under a shell corp.
And a shell corp is a corporation that is formed usually for the express purposes of buying real estate.
It could be for investing in a company.
You could set up a shell corp to invest in a startup or something like that.
But usually it's a corporation where you don't have a like the physical address is different from your address.
And it's not, you know, you'd have to jump through a lot of hoops to find out who the shell corp is registered to.
A lot of these people have addresses at Cayman Islands or whatever.
It's a great way to just move money around.
And when you're buying real estate in places like New York or London, you know, half of new construction in London has gone to foreign nationals.
A lot of it in New York has gone to foreign nationals.
You know, I think at one point in New York City, half of the real estate market was foreign nationals, half of the entire market.
And it bumped the condo prices up.
The average condo price was like over $2 million.
And you're like, well, why are all these people buying all this real estate?
Because number one, it's a good asset.
It's a hard asset.
You can live in it.
You can rent it out.
But also, it's a great way to evade taxes.
It's just a great way to get the money out of your country.
It's a good way to get the money out of the country and hide it.
And God only knows where you made it.
It could be drugs and narco-trafficking, human trafficking, narco-terrorism.
Could be just, you know, good old-fashioned, you know, the wild west of natural gas and Kazakhstan, where God only knows what's happening.
You know, it's like, God only knows where the money's coming from.
Nobody cares.
Nobody in the real estate market cares.
These people don't care.
They're not asking questions.
I get it.
They're just not asking questions.
You look at these people, you're making a lot of money, and they're just not asking questions where the money comes.
They don't care where the money comes from.
They don't care.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter to them.
Someone sold Epstein that island.
Someone sold him that island.
There should be a show where realtors show pedophile billionaires' islands.
You know, and it should be called Million Dollar Fisting.
Where just, you know, realtors are like, it would start like this.
It'd be like, there's a certain type of person that loves luxury, but even more than luxury, they love privacy.
These are some of the top island brokers in the world.
It's not enough to just have an apartment or a beautiful estate.
These people need their own private island with a private heliport where they can go and come as they please and take whoever the hell they want there.
Welcome to Million Dollar Fisting.
It would just be some chick who's like, you know, I was trafficked to one of these islands as a girl and I realized that I loved real estate.
I just had an eye for it and I understood why the island was perfect.
It was just private.
It was in the middle of the Virgin Islands.
I was just, you know, in love with the beaches.
I love that it was just, you know, I think it was about 75 acres.
And, you know, it had several places where we could dock boats.
And it was just, it was just one of those islands.
So many of the traffic girls, unfortunately, you know, went into lives of crime or drugs, but I really just got into the idea of selling high-end islands to pedophiles.
So that's what I do now.
I know more islands than anyone else.
I know the ins and outs of an island.
And it would just be a, you know, a realtor just showing, you know, showing somebody around like an island, like Little St. James, and being like, you know, hey, how are you guys?
Oh, it's good to meet you.
How are you?
Hello.
Hi, Senator.
How are you?
I think what you really love about this island, I was listening to everything you told me and I really started to think about it.
I think this is really the perfect property for you.
It's very private.
It has a heliport right near the house.
So there's not a long walk between the heliport to the house.
And I know that's a concern for you, you know, because, you know, who knows what state people are going to be arriving here in.
Okay.
You've got great 360-degree views from your bedroom.
So you can walk out on the deck and see who's coming and from where.
And that's super important.
You know, they've also got a lot of different boat slips here.
It's a quick, you can make a quick getaway.
It's really great.
And I just think it's super, there's a lot of underground space, which I know is super important to you.
It's super important to have underground space.
You know, you could really construct anything here.
We're talking about, you know, four or five thousand square feet of underground living space with absolutely no light coming in.
It's a very kind of medieval dungeon feel.
I just think that's something that you guys would really like.
You know, the price is about, it's about 30 million.
I know it's a little more than you were looking to spend, but there is some wiggle room.
This is owned currently by a Saudi prince, but he wants to get rid of it.
He's upgrading his operation right now.
And so there is a little wiggle room on price.
So do you want maybe, are you interested?
Because I could just call him right now.
Hi, how are you?
Great.
Listen, I have my client right here.
He absolutely loves it.
He adores the underground dungeon space.
Okay, we're coming in right now at about 27.5.
It's an all-cash deal and we can close in two weeks.
I don't know.
He doesn't love that number.
He doesn't love 27.5.
I understand, but this is a qualified buyer.
We're coming in all cash.
There's no contingencies here.
Oh, am I calling someone?
Just calling one of my friends.
I think I'm lost my mind.
But that's really what, like, that's, that's where we're headed with like a lot of these real estate shows.
And I just love them.
They're hypnotic.
They hypnotize you and you just look at, and you know, there's these, they're all coked out, these fucking realtors.
There's this one British guy who's like, look at this house.
It's a stunning site.
It's a goddamn stunning sight.
And you could just taste the chalk as it goes down his fucking throat.
It's a stunning sight.
Oh, number one broker here in the Hollywood Hills.
Hypnotic Real Estate Videos00:07:55
But that's where we're at with television is just we're all kind of being hypnotized and just looking at these.
And nobody is going to own like the amount of money you have to have to own any of this.
Like none of it's even aspirational.
You can't imagine it.
You can barely, because it's so much money that it's like you're put at a safe distance from it.
You could just kind of ogle it.
It's porn.
It's literally porn.
You look at something in a porn, you go, I can't really do that.
That's not something I can do.
And I don't know anyone that can get in that position.
It's just not going to happen.
So you can appreciate it just from like, you know, it's impressive.
And that's what this stuff is.
It's just real estate porn.
That's why those real housewife shows were interesting to me, not because of the like the drama or any of that garbage.
I just like seeing where rich people lived.
And a lot of these people, by the way, and that's the great thing about real estate.
You look at these real estate agents and you're like, these people have made money and they're retarded.
So that does give you hope.
You're like, these people have, because you can't just be a hedge fund manager.
Like you'd have to go to school.
You can't just, but real estate's a job where you literally in the middle of your life, if everything else is fucking fallen by the wayside, you could literally go get a real estate license and start showing properties and you might be good at it.
Real estate agents have social intelligence.
They're not that intelligent.
Being too intelligent is probably a negative to selling real estate.
You have to be kind of a vapid person because real estate's vapid.
You want like small talk, you know, you can't like mention, you know, it would be amazing to me to meet all these people every day and not mention that they all drove through a post-apocalyptic.
Like LA is just tense everywhere in tense cities.
It would be hard for me to not mention some of that while showing them the house, but that wouldn't go over big because you got to pretend like that stuff's not even happening.
It just doesn't exist.
It's not real.
Don't worry your little head about it.
You know, one of my old bosses used to be like, don't watch the news.
The news is not your friend.
Don't watch the news.
Don't live in the real world.
That's not the place to live.
You know, you would just be like, just go out there.
But I've always, my fantasy life is selling real estate.
My fantasy life is still a shitty life, which is great.
I'm still a, like, I'm still some type of, like most people like their fantasy life is they're like, they're the guy being sold the house.
My fantasy life is I'm still a schmuck that's just selling high-end real estate to derelicts.
Like that's the life that I think that I should live is just, you know, selling, because I always thought it would be, the commissions on these houses are a quarter million dollars, you know, $200,000, $180,000.
Life-changing commissions.
You earn one commission on one of these houses.
Your life is changed.
There's very few things you can sell where your life is changed after one deal.
You close one deal, your life has changed.
You sell a $5 million house, your life has changed for most people.
And that is what I always found interesting about it.
It's like you, and you could do it.
You could just be the right place, right time.
You know, I'm not saying it's easy, but there's a lot.
You know, what I do is much harder.
And that's not saying that there's a lot of people that are work a hell of a lot harder than me, but I think it's just harder to entertain a room full of people for an hour than being hot and standing in a house and having someone fall in love with it and go, okay.
And I know that's not all of what it is, but it's a lot of what it is.
It's a lot of what it is.
And obviously there's work that goes into it, but let's cut it out.
Okay.
These are brain dead people when you watch these shows.
They're literally brain dead.
Okay.
They say the same five fucking things over and over again.
It's a really unique property.
You got to look at the finishes.
The finishes are all updated.
There's three exposures.
Look at the view.
Got some outdoor living space.
It's really great.
You got to jump on it now.
It's been a lot of interest.
It's not, there's nothing.
It's like agents.
You meet with agents.
They don't say anything profound.
They're like, oh, good.
You're selling tickets.
You should sell more.
Thank you.
Good.
And when you sell more tickets, you'll be playing bigger venues.
Like that Gary Vee, the advice he gave to that TikTok girl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He meets the TikTok girl and Gary Vee goes, she goes, what should I do right now?
He goes, stay on TikTok.
It's like, yeah, of course.
Then she goes, should I go to YouTube?
He goes, I don't know.
Maybe you won't translate.
Maybe you will.
It's like, is this advice?
I mean, literally, I'm asking.
I'm not trying to just hate on him all the time, but like, is this literally actionable advice to give to another human being?
Yeah, you know, the thing that you're doing that's working, just do that.
And then the other thing that you're thinking about doing might not work as well.
But it's just, you know, it's a way to give people non-advice so that I've just, hold on.
Did swingers cancel my order again?
I would say my order was delivered.
Oh, really?
You go chat.
Let me check.
Yeah.
Just check.
You want to keep going?
Yeah, I'm going to keep going.
I don't think it was delivered.
I have criticized swingers in West Hollywood because they run a human trafficking ring and I'm against that.
So I've criticized them and I've sort of suggested that people rise up and as vigilantes burn the place down.
But did we get it?
Okay, we did get it.
Okay.
Well, I mean, all right.
Well, don't burn the place.
I was just trying to get people to go burn the place down.
Well, don't do that now.
Don't do it now.
Put it down.
I don't want it now.
We're doing a show.
Sit down.
Focus.
I wish I could play some of these videos for these people.
That would really make the show a lot better.
Can we edit them in and post?
From the actual TV show?
No, from YouTube.
Which show?
The million dollar listing or the ones you were showing me?
Just the ones I was showing you.
The like Long Island ones?
Yeah, because they're hilarious.
Like, I want to show people the difference between, is there a way to edit a YouTube video into the, I don't know.
Yeah, but then I think they could pull the video because it's like copyrighted because it's on their channel.
So I think YouTube can recognize that in an algorithm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is that true?
I think so.
I can post a link to that one video you kept watching.
But it's not.
Well, we're going to do this again when we can.
What do we have to do to get that to work?
Well, I mean, we need a switcher.
We need an HDMI cable.
Yeah, we got to get the TV working because then we can show you some of the stuff, you know, like we could show you that Ari Shafir tweet on the TV.
Yeah.
Just so you knew, you know, man, Ari, man, God love him.
But, you know, hey, sometimes you just step in it.
He just stepped in it.
That's all.
You know, I'm sure he'll come out of it.
You know, I mean, what do you do?
Do you double down?
Do you go even harder?
Is that what you think he's going to do?
I hope not.
I don't think, I don't think he's going to do that.
I think he's probably taking a step back.
It might be a good time for him to go on one of the sabbaticals he does where he goes to Tibet for a little while.
Go and take a month.
You know, he does that.
He'll disappear for a little bit and go, maybe it's time to just let the heat cool off.
Let it cool off a little bit and then come back.
You know, and buy a stunning estate.
Standing a state in Beverly Hills.
Lying On Facebook Profiles00:08:24
We can't break these sending.
No, wait, it's not a mistake.
Send is actually the whole thing.
Pro-Fract ensures that companies have access to Nordic's leading fraud.
So we can't break these sending.
We can't break these sending.
No matter what, back to the sending.
And remember Pro-Fract, you have one new message.
Hey Lars, Daniel from Joka Buland.
You said you had to wait a last with the barn and the barn in Porsche.
I think that's why you think it's going to be a last with the week's Joka, which is a choice for Gilde, Friord, Pinsbrodden and Leiv Vidal to minus 40%.
We'll talk.
Joka, the good neighbor.
There's just...
You know... I said this on Patreon the other day.
I don't really get that upset with what people say because I know how cheap words are.
And most people that are talking to you are lying and making things up.
Most people are trying to make themselves sound more interesting by lying.
They'll make up things that never happened to them and they'll say it.
They'll tell you stories from movies that they think you didn't see and then try to pretend that they lived through them.
This is how desperate most human beings are for any level of attention.
They just don't care.
So words to me don't mean anything.
Literally, no matter what you say, I understand that words, of course, do mean things, but I always, I'm very cynical.
Unless you show me something, unless I'm able to deduce like what you say to me is absolutely, for the most part, as irrelevant as anything when people just pop off and talk.
I mean, I just have friends that I like that I know are pathological liars that will sit at a table with you and make up something that's just completely untrue and get crawled out on it and really don't have any shame.
This is just, you know, I assume when people are talking to me, I assume that most of them are lying.
I just assume you're making something up.
And then if it turns out to be true, I go, oh, nice.
If it turns out to be an actually true thing, I go, oh, that's nice.
You know, I just, you can't trust people because all they're trying to do is be funny or interesting and they'll say anything.
People will literally just say anything.
People talk about things they have no idea what they're talking about.
And they just go.
They just go.
There's no shame.
They just go.
They just go right.
They just let it out.
It doesn't matter.
They don't have to know about it.
How many times do we sit in a room and people start talking to Rogan about fighting?
They start telling him what the deal is.
It's like, what are you saying?
Shut up.
Will you shut up?
They don't care.
They just talk because they don't know what else to do.
They're very uncomfortable with silence.
So they just talk.
I've members of my family like that.
They don't know anything and they say ridiculous things because people don't call them out.
And they just say things that don't make any sense.
You know?
Just let it happen.
You can't get angry.
People get angry that boomers go on Facebook and light it up.
Let them have it.
Who cares?
It's funny.
They're crazy.
They're almost dead.
They just, they've never had a platform like this where they could just launch.
They could just go.
It used to be a corner bar.
Now it's Facebook.
They could just launch.
They don't need to have the facts.
Doesn't matter to them.
They want to be heard.
Boomers, by the way, it's the first generation that has a shit ton of life experience and no wisdom.
Like they're like, I've been on this planet a long time.
And you ruined it.
Shut the fuck up, half of you.
Not all of you.
But a lot of you should just pipe down.
Just go out quietly.
You destroy.
It's like you inherit a house.
You burn the house down.
Just leave quietly.
Just exit quietly.
Don't be loud on the way out.
You burned it down.
You know?
And that's not everyone.
But, you know, let them launch on Facebook.
Let them pop off.
Anyone still on Facebook in any meaningful sense right now is a mental patient.
And I mean that.
If you're on Facebook trying to make a point, you're nuts.
It's a graveyard.
I see people that I like kind of respect on faith.
And they go into these multi-paragraph things on Facebook.
And they're like, well, here's what I, here's how I see it.
Here's how I sat.
Could there be anything less appropriate than your take on Facebook?
There's nothing to say anymore on that site.
It's like the people are still there are sick.
You're convincing sick people.
My mother is in a mental institution.
They're all more well adjusted than my Facebook timeline.
People talk about drama in these little comedy communities.
No one cares about your drama in Burnt Corn, Alabama's comedy scene.
Stop talking about the open mic that banned you because you used the word Oriental.
And then you and the nine other people in that scene are going to have a 2,000 comment thread about free speech.
After the Ari thing, again, people doing these big comment threads about free speech.
Shut the fuck up.
You also have the freedom to not speak.
Doesn't affect you.
You're unaffected by this.
You don't need to go into a whole, but this is what people do when, and I've said it before, they're feral.
They've been bit.
Social media has given them this idea that they have to have a take on things.
Just let it go.
No one gives a fuck about what you're saying.
Calm down.
It's crazy.
Stop posting libertarian memes if you live with your mother.
Stop talking about a bad socialism is if you live with your mother.
Get out of your house.
These Long Island guys live with their mom.
Socialism is bankrupted.
Will you shut up?
You're eating cereal that someone bought for you.
You're on a family plan.
You're in your 30s.
It's like that's what Facebook is.
It's like people have authority.
You're my favorite ones that go, get off my page.
Take that off my page.
This is my page.
I don't own a house, but I own this page.
I have this page where I can enforce the rules.
Go.
I have it to sell some tickets, to put some merch out there.
There was a lot.
I had a lot of fun with it back in the day.
I used to write these long things, troll people.
It was a lot of fun.
But it's over now.
And if you're 96, you know, don't be on TikTok.
Like, maybe we'll all have to be on TikTok.
There's just something super sad about seeing old people on that app.
I know that we have to get on it probably for our careers, but there's something sad about it.
You know, you feel odd being on it because everyone's 15.
It's like, I'm not really trying to entertain 15-year-olds.
I don't care.
You don't know you.
You shouldn't think I'm funny.
You can't buy tickets to my show.
We're not doing anything here.
There's no overlapping life experiences of me and you.
Private Islands And Shocking Secrets00:04:51
You were born after 9-11.
You know what I mean?
I was born before 9-11.
And then I learned that 9-11 wasn't real.
So yeah, we're never going to, yeah, I'm not doing your new dance on TikTok.
Okay.
I watched the towers fall and then found out they were holograms.
I'm not doing your dance.
I'm not doing your Fortnite dance.
Okay.
I'm awake.
You don't get it, you little punk bitch.
You don't know what it's like to listen to people talk about lizard people and then find out they're right.
Me and Ray were saying, this is why people are going so fucking nuts.
Me and Ray knew how fucked everything.
We knew how fucked the whole government was.
But then most people just found out about it with kid fucking.
So that's how their minds melted.
Because if you know how bad, if you knew about Kennedy and about all of these coups that we did, if you knew about these democratically, if you knew about how fake everything was in the murder and assassination and blackmail, you knew the shit the CIA was into, if you paid attention,
if you'd read any of those books, if you knew, you know, our appetite for skullduggery and the things that we had done to other people, children, if you knew about MK Ultra, if you knew about that shit, then once you got to the pedophile cults in Epstein, you were kind of like, oh, yeah, this is a heinous but logical conclusion to the infrastructure, the groundwork that we already laid in our mind.
But if you just arrived at that, your mind melts.
And that's what you're seeing is people's minds melt.
So you're like, oh, fuck.
Wait, what?
It's crazy.
If your entrance point into how fucked up everything is is there's private islands where politicians are fucking kids, your mind will melt.
And I'm not saying it's not shocking if you knew other things, but it's less shocking if you knew what these people are capable of.
If you just know what they're capable of, you're not like, you're like, yeah, this is what we had thought it could be.
And it is that.
But that's what people's minds are melting.
And they don't know what to do.
So I think that's where the QAnon stuff comes in.
It's like they're just looking to believe things.
You know, they're looking to, they're like, well, I hope to God that everything's, you know, but now it'll be okay, right?
You're like, but now, because that's what all these things are.
They're like, but now it's good because now we're in the, there's the secret war that's happening.
You're like, well, I don't know.
Hopefully you're right.
Hopefully there is a secret.
I don't, you know, what am I telling you?
I would love if there was a secret war and good people won.
Great.
You know?
But I just, you know, it's like thinking that Donald Trump is leading that war to me is I almost have to believe that one of these realtors on Bravo is doing it because it's the same type of person.
I would almost have to believe that, you know?
Yeah, one of the guys from Million Dollar Listing is fighting a secret war to free all the kids that are being fucked.
Really?
Good.
You would say good.
You'd go good.
The guy from Million Dollar Listing that sold the house, the big house with the rooftop bull, he's doing the secret war.
Oh, well, I'm happy about that.
I'm not against that.
I'm for that.
If it's happening, I'm for it.
I, you know, I have no investment in it not happening.
Good.
You know, that's what Ari Shafir has to do to get in everyone's good graces.
He's got to figure out who killed Epstein.
Ari's got to solve the Jeffrey Epstein murder and then come back with a fire tweet naming the perpetrator.
John McAfee did it recently.
He's like, it was D'Artagnone.
It was his prison guard.
And we're piecing the other things together.
He's like, if you know how it happened, I'll buy you dinner.
It's like, okay.
Prince Andrew not cooperating.
That's a shock.
It's a shock.
It's a shock.
They're still trying.
Like, there's still elements.
I'm sure the FBI that have some good people in them and they're still like trying to, there's, you know, we wish everyone luck.
You know, Ghislaine Maxwell in a few years will be somebody buying a house in one of these Bravo real estate shows.
You know, there'd be law.
It's one thing I know about Gisline.
Corporate Addiction To Weed00:13:44
She loves a stunning estate.
Gislaine is a socialite.
She's made of money hanging out with people with a law style.
So I'm going to show her a house in the Bird Streets.
The Bird Streets are like the hot Hollywood Hills.
You people don't know.
The Truesdale estates.
A lot of this stuff is gated.
When I was a kid, I grew up.
We used to drive through wealthy areas and smoke pot in the car.
And that's how, you know, white privilege, it's annoying to hear, but it is true because I literally used to get high and look at all my friends and go, I want to see the mansions.
And we would just drive around mansions, just stoned and on other things.
And then we just get out of the car sometimes and like creep, creep up the lawn at these old mansions.
I'd be smoking a cigarette.
I'm like, look at this property.
It's gorgeous.
I was driving through Sands Point, Long Island one day.
I was smoking pot with my buddy Tom, who's now works for the government.
He's like a U.S. Marshal.
And we were driving and we had the windows down.
We were smoking pot, driving through all these mansions.
And I was just screaming at the top of my lung, these people are so much better than us.
They're so much better than us.
And I wasn't kidding.
I was awake and aware.
And I got, and that was fun.
You can't do that in California because of the goddamn gates.
These fucking scaredy cats, they always need to be behind the gates.
But in Long Island, a lot of those areas weren't gated.
So you could drive around, you know, all coked out.
Look at Christmas lights.
There was something nice to be coked out and look at Christmas lights.
It's much nicer when you're stoned.
Obviously, it's nicer.
It's nice when you're stoned.
You have a little hot chocolate from Dunkin' Donuts and you can go look at the lights.
So fun.
So fun.
There's very, you really, smoking pot, it's supposed to be when you're in your late teens, your early 20s.
That's what it's for.
Stop doing it if you're older than that.
It's an enough already.
Enough.
You know, I get it that you people can't put it down, but put it down.
It'll never be as much fun.
Oh, I started smoking pot at 32.
Okay, you fucking loser.
Enough.
It's for children.
It's for teens and young adults.
That's when it's the most fun.
You don't need to be doing it for your entire life.
Your mind will melt.
Trust me.
You just don't need to do it.
It's not the move.
There's other things to do.
And I know this is super controversial because there's a lot of people that listen to the show that love weed.
Just try, try a little time without it.
Just space it out a little bit.
Take a hit every now and then.
You know, you don't, stop.
There's something weird about being in your 30s and it's like everything's about weed.
Something odd about that.
Grow up.
You know, drink wine.
Take pills.
Take pills and drink wine.
Get drunk.
OD in your bed.
Die.
Do something adult for once.
Be a fucking adult.
Do something adult.
Like get a drinking problem and lose your kids.
That's what adults do.
They don't fucking smoke pot and talk about how disappointing the new Star Wars was.
Lose your firm.
Snort your house.
Destroy yourself with pharmaceuticals.
I don't care.
I'm not telling you to be a moralist, but enough with being a fucking, you know, pothead when you're in your mid-30s.
Grow the fuck up.
I smoke to go to sleep.
Well, deal with you demons.
Make peace with the monster under the bed.
Defeat him.
Be him.
I'm just yelling this.
There's just a kindergarten class looking at me.
They're like, this was inappropriate to happen, man.
This wasn't really great, you know?
But I've had enough with the weed.
Living in LA, every store's a weed store.
That's the only thing left in this economy is the TikTok and weed.
That's all that's left is just people dancing and edibles.
Nobody can live anymore unless they're shoving an edible down their throat.
How did we all sleep before weed?
I need an edible so I can eat and sleep.
What?
It's a problem.
It's a serious problem.
Our friend, the kid who runs our website, little Alex, they were going to start making him smoke weed because he's like very tiny.
For like medical reasons, right?
Yeah, because he can't like eat.
He fills up very quickly and he needs to like blow himself up because he's like this tiny little bird-like creature and he needs to just get bigger.
So what he needs to do is smoke weed, so he just eats brownies and stretches his stomach out or something.
Okay.
I don't know.
I don't know how it works, folks.
I'm just saying, I'm not trying to, I don't want the wrath of the weed people here.
I'm just saying it's fucking do something adult, you know?
And there's nothing adult, but like there's something adult about developing an addiction to painkillers.
There's something classy about a nice corporate pill.
Slides right down a little feege, little Fiji water.
You slide that sexy pill down your throat and you just light up a little siggy leggy and you have fun.
Stop the nature weed shed.
Embrace the Sackler family.
Embrace corn.
Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I wonder, like, what if there are impressionable people that listen to this?
Like, I'm joking now, but I'm also serious in a way.
Like, I don't like the weed culture is not for me.
It's grotesque.
It's truly grotesque.
People that sell weed are stupid.
When they're out and they start talking about their weed company, you want to throw yourself in front of a car because, or you want to throw them in front of a car.
They're uninteresting people.
Okay.
They just don't talk about my friend Michael talking about weed all the time, you know, and he tries to make it sound like he's building a supercomputer.
It's like, you shut the fuck up.
Yeah, people, you have weed and people smoke it.
I get the fundamentals of the business.
I get what it is.
Oh, you put weed in the gummy bear.
Now you put it in a meatball.
You put it in a brownie.
I know what you're doing about it.
You don't have to go on like you're Warren Buffett of weed and talk about how fascinating you are.
We got a lot of shops.
You've got Grow Operation.
Shut up.
We don't need your mouth.
Shut up at the weed business.
Not fucking interesting.
It'd be interesting if you're working with the cartel and fucking chopping people's heads off.
But it's not fucking interesting when you fucking tell me you're having a problem with your graphic designer.
This fucking kid that we hired is not working hard.
It shows up late.
Shut up.
I could listen to my fucking friends talk about their stupid corporate jobs.
I don't need that.
A friendship with me requires you to shut your mouth and let me speak.
We sit down.
We have a lunch.
I talk for 45 minutes.
At the end of the lunch, you, I hand you, I will hand you a script.
These are the three lines you're allowed to say.
I can't believe you are not more famous.
It is a tragedy.
Then you also say, everything you do is so good and it's all moving in the right direction.
Don't worry about it.
It's going to be great.
And then I say, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
And then we leave the restaurant and I pick.
And that's a friendship with me.
There's nothing else.
There's no you to tell me about your office politics at the weed shop.
Who cares?
Oh, such he goes.
He said to me one day, he goes, Your business is so, you only have to rely on yourself.
I have to rely on all these other people.
You'd stop.
I have to rely on all these other people.
There's so many people.
There's so many things.
It's so hard.
Everybody's, you know, oh, you got to work.
Oh, you got to work.
You can't just sit around, get high, and walk your dog.
Well, welcome to the racist.
Yeah.
You gave a bunch of degenerates office buildings.
Now they're all fucking like, it's so hard.
Yeah, it's easy to sit in Wendy's and sell dime bags to me and my dirtbag friends.
Sorry, it's a little more difficult now that the guy, he's like, everybody, it's the government's involved and regulated.
Heeha, it's what it is.
You have a business now.
You're not just selling ace from your mom's Camry.
I don't even know what I'm saying at this point.
I just know that I'm, I, my righteous anger is well earned and I'm, I know that I'm right.
I know that my targets are just and I'm right.
That's all.
You just have to follow me, folks.
I'm not saying you should do OxyContin.
I'm saying, and you can't even argue me on this, it is more adult to be addicted to Percocet than it is to be high all the time.
I just respect a corporate addiction.
I respect when someone shows up and they're scratching because they're on opiates.
Not fentanyl.
That's too much, too far.
But I respect a person who's, you know, just addicted to kind of a more exclusive drug.
That's all.
Don't smoke weed all the time.
We don't need it.
You don't need it all the time.
It dims you.
It dulls you.
It makes you even less interesting than you are sober.
You're even less interesting than you are right now with the weed.
You know?
Enough with the weed all the time.
Now, we are sponsored by a lot of weed companies.
Now, this is awkward because I do want to say that everything I just said was a bit and a joke and I don't mean any of it.
And that I think weed is great.
It's natural.
It's fun.
It's sexy and great.
And I want everyone to do it every minute of every day.
Every minute of every day.
I just want to smell weed.
I just want to live at Coachella.
I want to live in a music festival where everybody's high all the time and nobody knows exactly who's talking to who.
What?
What?
I'm kidding.
We don't have any weed sponsors, but I'll just tell you.
You know, I get it.
Your mind gets melted.
And, you know, I've been addicted to marijuana, alcohol, Percocet, cocaine, Fikadin, but really it led me to Percocet.
I've been addicted to all of those things.
And you can kick them.
You can be done with them.
And I'm not saying that they're all the same, but weed is annoying.
It's like an annoying addiction.
You know, it's annoying.
It annoys me.
I would rather you go take pills in your bathroom and I don't have to deal with you.
And you can suffer in silence.
Just go to your desk.
Just take what you need to and go to your desk.
I don't want to have to be inundated with your culture of your drug.
You know, I used to take psychedelics.
I never got into the culture of psychedelics, which is like, go to nature, be a better person.
I never did that.
I would take acid and go to the Garden City Hotel and talk about the fact that the people who lived in the next town over, Rockville Center, hadn't really made it.
I'm like, they don't have any real fucking money.
Okay, because I embrace the material.
Even when I was high, I knew that the material world was where I'd be like, DMT, it doesn't matter.
I take DMT.
I go to the fucking, I go to the other realm.
I'll try to sell the aliens condos.
I'll convert them.
They'll be like, we're all hyper sound.
I'd be like, will you shut the fuck up?
Do you want a stunning estate?
Yes or no?
I don't need the culture of these drugs.
You can do acid and be a materialistic piece of shit.
I did it for years.
You don't have to embrace, you don't have to become a better person on psychedelics.
You can fight it.
You could just take shrooms and touch your friend's dick.
You don't have to, you don't have to have any great realizations.
You can avoid them.
You can avoid those.
You can avoid those realizations like the plague.
I did it for years.
You don't have to be a better person while taking psychedelics.
You can just be the same shitty person you are, except you see trails.
I mean, that's what it is.
How much longer do we have?
We're at 58.
58.
Okay.
We got to wrap this up because we have some ads and we have some other things to do.
And I haven't eaten since lunch.
I do need to eat something.
I will begin the keto journey again very soon.
The keto journey will begin again.
I've been off keto because it is very hard to stay on it because it's very restrictive.
But I will be getting back to it very shortly.
Real Heroes In Your Life00:05:23
That keto cookie guy was going to sponsor the show.
He fucking he fucking high tail it out of here.
Fuck you.
The cookies suck.
They did.
They got sugar alcohols in it.
They make you shit.
You can't have cookies.
You can't have replacement cookies.
Brian Callan saw me.
When I was on Keto three Days I was like, have you heard of the Keto Bakery?
Brian Callan goes, This is not going to work, is it?
I was like, there's a keto bakery in Santa Clarita.
He goes, this is not going to work.
But to bring it full circle, here's what I think about Kobe.
No, I'm kidding.
He was an icon, man.
He was an icon.
He was not your dad.
He wasn't your brother.
He wasn't your best friend.
Folks, cherish the people in your lives that are real.
I know they're shitty.
I know they haven't accomplished anything great.
I know they don't inspire you.
I know many of them smell.
I know they suck.
I know they're fallible.
They're imperfect, but they're real.
They're actually there.
And many of you, they're the people around you that you deserve.
You're not going to get a Kobe to inspire you.
You just be inspired by your real uncle who just got away with a Dewey.
You know, like the people in your life, as shitty as they are and as unimportant as they are.
Yes, maybe they're not buying estates in Beverly Hills with blood money.
Maybe they're not, you know, leading the Lakers to a championship, but you can reach out and touch them and say, get away from me.
That means something because they're real.
They're actually in your life.
Yes, they're not inspiring figures.
You're never going to look at them and go, wow.
You know, but you could look at them and go, oh, they're actually here.
We're sharing a physical space.
That's important.
You know, it's important that you embrace reality.
They're there to disappoint you.
They're there to make you feel better when you fail because they also fail.
They're there to be poor with you, to be gross, but they're there.
And that's what's important.
Embrace them.
They're the real heroes.
The people that you do just a little better than.
Those are the heroes.
The people that you could look at and go, God, that guy's a fucking real piece of shit.
He ruined his whole life.
He threw his entire life away.
The kid from your town who died in a car accident, that's the guy.
You go, that guy's dead.
It wasn't even his fault.
But he's dead now.
And you're not dead.
And even if you're fucked in every other way, you're not dead.
And that guy is.
That should be your Kobe.
The guy that should inspire you is the scumbag who's just dead now.
Not the greatest iconic basketball player that's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're not going to do it.
Stop.
It's insulting to him that you like him so much.
I'm inspired by people who own convenience stores, like the Indian guy who keeps a shotgun behind the thing.
I like that.
I go, good for him.
Maybe one day I'll be him.
You know, maybe one day I'll go to another country and open a business that fucking works.
It's not easy.
It's not easy.
Okay.
So this is my rant about that.
It's, you know, I don't, you know, we covered a lot today.
Do oxies.
Don't smoke weed.
Go into real estate if you can, because you can be brain dead and do it.
And you should, and embrace the real people in your life, all the stars in your life, people like Kobe Bryant or myself.
We are there to really, you know, make you feel like things are possible, but they're but, but they're not.
So embrace the people in your life that are actually there.
You know that fat woman who just puts up with you.
She doesn't mind that you have ibs and that you don't have any money.
You know she's not going to die in a helicopter.
She'll never be in a helicopter in her entire life.
She's only been in a plane once and it was to go to an all-inclusive resort where you threw up all over your shoes.
That's your hero, not the people on tv, not the people that do great things.
That beast of a woman who puts up with you and and loves you because her father touched her.