It's another outdoor episode with Tim in LA! This time, Kevin Tienkin joins Tim on the porch for a discussion about trash TV, living by the beach, and what life is like around the rest of the USA. Plus more, on this week's episode of Tim Dillon is Going to Hell! Please Support Our Sponsors:Go to http://www.timdillonisgoingtohell.com and follow the link at the bottom to get 10% OFF any Wix Premium Plans!Check out Infinite CBD and see which one of their products is going to enhance your life. Go to th Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Selling Mixtapes in the Park00:04:56
Welcome to Tim Dylan's going to hell, everybody.
We are here on the back deck again with my friend, comedian, very funny Kevin Tinkin.
Hello.
Thank you for being here again.
Thanks for having me.
No problem.
Again, folks, we're outside.
You might hear a little, you might hear a helicopter.
The screech of an eagle.
You might hear something like that.
But you don't have to get on the DM and tell me about it unless it's a positive fucking comment.
Unless you're like, this is so fucking nice that you're doing this outside.
Yeah.
Because we got some ambient noise in the background so I can fall asleep.
I imagine most of you fall asleep listening to the sound of my voice.
I hope that that's that's how I get sober.
Yeah.
So I listen to this.
I wonder how many people are listening to this show either sobering up or relapsing.
Yeah.
It's definitely one of the two.
If you're going through a police checkpoint, you've had a few drinks, throwing a pod, sober up.
Yeah, so you know, but I like doing them outside.
Maybe it's something about being in LA.
There's something nice about being outside here.
In New York City, you know, there's so many fucking people everywhere.
You can't do anything outside without involving the neighbor or, you know.
Somebody hollering at you to get some bootlegs.
Yeah.
Somebody that doesn't, yeah, or somebody selling their mixtape.
Oh, yeah.
You know?
You ever know the guy that comes up to the gas station and goes, hey, I want to give you my CD, and then he goes, 10 bucks.
No, I've never had it at a gas station.
That's happened to me.
In New York, they do it in Times Square.
Yeah.
But you know what?
How much better off are those guys than most people that we know?
Oh, yeah.
They're actually trying to sell something at least.
They're trying, they figured out a marketing strategy for their fucking art.
Dude, it's direct to marketing.
I had, I was a tour guide in New York City on the double-decker buses, and we would get people.
And then, like, a British woman came up to me and she's like, I gave a man $60 in Central Park.
He sold me a CD.
She's like, are there really 100,000 homeless children in New York?
And I'm like, I don't know.
Maybe, probably.
I don't know.
Then she goes like this.
She goes, well, that man told me that if I bought his CD, the money goes to the homeless children.
It's a donation for the homeless children in New York.
There's a hundred thousand homeless.
And I'm like, I told her, like, ma'am, you know, I don't.
Did he have any like it?
Was just a guy who walked up to her with a CD, which, by the way, brilliant move on his part.
Instead of just being like, because what they do is if you've ever in New York, they give you the CD for free.
They go, like, hey, I'm, and then they go and buy, and then they'll take it back if you won't give them money.
Yep.
They put the CD in your hand and they go, hey, by the way, I'm a struggling artist.
I'm trying to get my music out there.
So all these British people and like people from Norway come over to us.
They've never seen black people.
Oh, yeah.
So they're excited to get a CD from a black.
And they want to act like they're cool.
You know what I mean?
Because people, don't get mad at me.
There's not a lot of white people doing this.
One of the shadows.
There's not a lot of white people slinging mixtapes in Central Park or Times Square.
There's just not.
It's fine.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
And I thought these mixtapes are good.
It's not a lot of white kids doing this.
Anybody, by the way, if you see a white person doing this, shoot them.
Like, the cops should be able to shoot white people who are selling mixtapes.
We got to get those numbers up anyway.
Right.
We got to get those white kids getting shot numbers up.
I mean, I'm not a big guy on cultural appropriation, but I'll tell you right now, every now and then I see something that make me sick.
A white kid selling a mixtape will throw me into a funk.
I'll be like, that is not your fucking turf.
Get the fuck out of here.
But it's the wrong area.
It's the wrong area.
But you do see that.
You do see that a lot in terms of like these foreign people that want to be cool.
Dude, they're hustling.
And then they get this mixtape, and then they're like standing there.
And then a lot of them will just give the money because they don't know.
You know, they don't know.
They're like, well, I don't want to.
So they're guilty.
Oh, yeah.
You know, some Scandinavian family.
Some of them don't.
It really depends on.
We went to the States and we changed the entire economic structure.
Right.
Buying a few mixtapes with some gentlemen in the park.
Yeah, we just helped.
I knew the woman got ripped off as soon as she said to me, are there 100,000 homeless in New York?
As soon as she said that, I'm like, who beat you out of what?
Yeah.
Like, what did you get beaten out of?
Well, those are the type of stats you can't put on a SoundCloud upload either.
And by the way, it's one of those questions where I'm like, I don't know, probably.
Yeah.
Like, it's, I don't know.
It sounds high, but then it also sounds low.
Like, I don't, it's one of those stats where you don't really know.
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm homeless, I think.
I don't know if I have a homeless.
The Science Fair Spider Report00:05:55
Yeah, like, I don't.
Somebody told me, he's like, hey, I'm musting the CDs a hard enough.
He goes, are you mentioning the homeless?
Yeah.
Are you mentioning the homeless in New York?
Yeah.
Well, that's the thing.
It's like, you can't just lead with the music.
You got to lead with a social ill.
Children work well.
Yeah, my grandma got Gangrene.
Can you buy my album?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is there any way...
Is it true that everybody's grandmother here has gangrene?
Is that true?
Does every elderly person have a flesh-eating bacteria in New York?
Is that true?
You showed me his foot and I chose the flip.
I'm $280 on a CD for a man whose grandmother has necrotizing fasciitis.
He felt like he deserved it and he's working for it.
That's one of those diseases I really like, you know.
I'm a serious or was a serious hypochondriac and I still kind of fuck with it a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
But, you know, necrotizing fasciitis, which is the flesh-eating bacteria.
Every now and then, a kid goes swimming in a lake and then three quarters of his body is like eaten by a flesh-eating bacteria.
That's terrifying.
I know.
Dude, there's this girl I used to work with.
She got bit by a black widow and it looked like that shit.
Like it was.
Yeah, it was like the spidering veins coming out and then she just cut it open that doctors did and it looked like she just had a vagina on the side of her leg.
Really?
Dude, I'm telling you, it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen.
And it terrified.
I'm still more terrified of spiders today.
I mean, listen, it's rare that you'll die.
I did a report on spiders in eighth grade.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I did.
I did a report on spiders.
It was for the science fair.
That's impressive.
And by the way, the science fair, you're supposed to do like an experiment.
The teacher was like, this has nothing to do.
I brought a tarantula in from a pet store.
The teacher was like, this is nothing.
You know, all the other kids did like experiments or like the volcano.
Or like, this is how water changes from a gas to a solid.
She's like, your science fair project is just that there are spiders.
She's like, this is, because I just loved spider.
I'm like, yeah, this is a tarantula.
Dude, you were a weird kid.
I was weird, but I was just also like, I thought it was funny and cool that I just brought a spider in.
And the teacher was like, this checks off none of the boxes of what a technical science fair project is supposed to be.
But I got to have a spider for a week.
And the only way that I was able to do that is telling my mother that I need it for a science fair project.
It's for school.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I'm like, we got to go get a tarantula.
Dude, my girl just did a science fair.
How old?
She's nine.
Okay.
And she literally, I went and saw it at the school.
I didn't want to say anything.
Right.
But like everybody else, they look nice.
Their parents obviously helped more than we did.
And hers.
You let her on her own.
We let her kind of, you know, it's her science project.
I'm there to guide, but I got video games to play.
And Kev, she's nine.
She hasn't figured it out by now.
Exactly.
She never will.
Yeah.
I'm with you.
She's got to learn.
Learn how to fail right.
Right.
But hers is literally just a bunch of oranges in a plastic cup.
I'm not even kidding.
It's supposed to be.
It was like a two-gallon jug of water that we cut the top off of, and there's oranges in there.
And it's supposed to be whether oranges float with the peel on or the peel off.
Oh.
And so, but when we went there, there was no water.
It was just oranges.
What is this, like an autistic science fair?
It's like a weird obsession for anyone to have.
They're just excited to get the kids involved in the scientific process.
You know what I mean?
What's great about the science fair is you can really see whose parents should be in jail, you know, by what a kid will come in with.
Just social services at the door.
Yeah, like some crackhead kid will come in, like his parents are crackheads.
He'll come in with like the poster board's not even done, you know, the oak tag.
He's got like papers that aren't, it's like he handwrote it and he just glued it on.
Yeah.
Everyone else, all the other kids have like, you know, just like post like cards that are like, you know, fixed onto the oak tag.
It looks really nice.
It's colorful.
It's attractive.
He just ripped the paper out of one of those binders with all the spools on the sides.
It's all frayed.
Yeah, this poor kid's just fucking sitting there at his dining room table trying to do this while his parents cook up a rock in the next room.
And like, you know, they just walk out and look at it and they go, this is, it'll do.
Yeah.
That's fine.
We're just glad Timmy's getting involved.
We're just glad he's participating.
Yeah.
I mean, I was in a few of those houses when I was growing up because I was a, you know, I was a, I was a hooligan.
I was a kid that wanted to like get drugs all the time.
Right.
You never smoked crack, did you?
I free based cocaine.
Okay.
And I remember one of the funniest things.
The JV of crack.
Yeah.
We did, we took rocks of Coke.
We didn't cook it up to make it crack, but we put them in a, we freebased again, and it was basically crack.
And when somebody in the house said to us, they're like, this is basically crack.
We just laughed so hard.
We were 14.
It was one of those times where we just laugh.
And we're smoking crack.
And we're just like, they're like, this is basically crack.
And I looked at my buddy and I went, we're basically smoking a crack.
And we just, we fell down laughing.
It was just one of those middle school memories that a lot of people have.
But like, I would every now and then, like, there was this kid, Ryan, whose parents were drunks.
And like, you know, and we went, like, once we went into his house to smoke some weed and he's like, hey, before you go in here, you know, my house is kind of dirty.
Freebasing Rocks of Coke00:08:58
He was like ashamed of it, you know?
I was like, dude, I hang out at, I'm not going to say their names, but I was like, I hang out at blank blank, you know, which was the Coke house in town.
And yeah, no, I know.
And he kind of laughed.
I was like, I don't give a fuck, dude.
But a lot of my childhood was spent in absolutely filthy houses with like cigarette burns in the carpet, ashtrays overflowing with cigarette Dutch guts everywhere.
What's Dutch guts?
You know, vanilla Dutches.
People smoke blunts.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, like, just tobacco all over the place.
Oh, yeah.
Those shitty linoleum kitchen floors, you know, stains in the carpet, you know, one leather couch that you pull a cigarette stained blanket over yourself and maybe take a half-hour nap.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, that's great.
I don't trust anybody who hasn't pulled a cigarette-stained ratty blanket over themselves on a fucking coming down from Coke trying not to die.
The rats keep you warm.
Yeah, I mean, my friend Michael just got an apartment, and this guy's like, he's the only friend I've made that I made from the podcast.
And I met him, he came to the show at the stand once, and he was, he came.
He's a good-looking guy, you know, fucks a lot of chicks, successful guy, not crazy successful, but you know, in the, you know, he's doing the right thing.
The Tim Dilling demographic.
Well, not that listens to the show, I imagine not.
I imagine he's kind of an outlawer.
I don't know who's out there, but I'll tell you right now, from the messages I get, I would imagine that he's in the top 1% of people that listen to this show, just in the sense that he's always had his freedom, you know?
But the first time I met him, he was bleeding.
Like I said to him, like he came up to me, he's like, I'm a huge fan of the show.
And I looked at him, I'm like, dude, you're bleeding.
And his arm was bleeding, and he just kind of laughed it off.
He didn't know how he was bleeding.
And that's a sincere compliment, though.
If a man goes out of his way who's actively bleeding to tell you he likes something you're doing, you're on the right track.
Yeah, no, he's one of these dudes who women love him and guys like, but there's a certain type of dude who like wants to be taken seriously by dudes and isn't.
Yeah.
And because he's like the dude who fucks everybody's chick.
But I don't mean that he fucks everyone's chick.
I just mean he's a dude that gets pussy.
Yeah.
And he's devoted a lot of time and energy to that.
And by the way, I was telling him tonight, I'm like, dude, you have a better lot.
Like we were talking about our lives.
And I'm like, yeah, I've been able to do some cool shit, but I kind of just would, like, sometimes I just want to look like him and just fuck.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And not.
That's the goal.
But he's like, he's like, yeah, but he goes, you know, but then you're like not, you don't feel the pressure to like be successful and like do things or whatever.
So it's like, whatever.
The grass is greener.
But I'm just like, if I look like you, I would just fuck surfers all day.
I'd have AIDS and wouldn't care.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, I wouldn't care.
I would want to be like, you know, like, I would just be like so hot or I'd be like, right before I fuck somebody, be like, I have AIDS.
And this dude, the guy would be like, who cares?
You're rolling the dice tonight.
And he's not an amazing looking guy, but he's good enough looking and he's thin.
He's just thin.
And that's where it's at.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
That's like Ben over here.
I mean, he's a good-looking guy.
He could be boning down all over town and stuff.
Michael's got a sexual energy.
Yeah.
Like, but Michael's like, he's in it to fuck.
Yeah.
You can feel it.
Ben's better looking than Michael, but like Michael just get, like, Michael could just go in and just fuck.
He's just that guy.
Yeah.
When you're sitting at a table with him, he like want, you know, he wants to be fucking.
Yeah.
He's like trying to do this other thing and like ask me about my podcast.
Like he gives a shit, you know?
Yeah.
And he does.
He does care, but he just wants to be fucking some 19-year-old girl at USC.
And I get it.
You know what I mean?
I get it.
But he also, like, he's, you know, so I was just like, you know, so he just gets this, but he's also a guy who like always makes the wrong decisions when it comes to like where he lives.
Like he makes these bad real estate decisions, like, and he loves complaining about them.
And he's a guy, and not in a funny way.
Like, there are people like this.
There are people that just do things so they can complain about them.
Yeah.
Like, he moved in, he comes out to LA.
You know, him and his, he, him, and he met some dude, some guy, who's another good-looking, in-shape guy who happened to be a psychopath.
He didn't know this, but he like moved in with this guy.
And then, like, a day later, the guy is like, the guy has all these mental problems.
The guy's got some girlfriend in New York.
The guy, but the guy's like all over the place.
The guy tells Michael, he moves in with Michael.
Yeah.
And then he tells him, he goes, like, as Michael's moving in, he goes, you know, I went on a, my uncle's a rich guy.
He used to take us on vacation.
And I woke up one day and he had his hand down my pants.
When I was like, how long have they known each other?
Literally hours.
Hours.
He's moving in the boxes, right?
They're eating Chinese food together.
Just going.
So Michael's like, oh, okay.
You know, hey, you know, this is.
Good story.
Yeah.
So, and then the guy says to him, he goes, I just kept going on vacation with him.
It kept kind of happening, but, you know, he had a lot of money or whatever.
And so, like, Michael tells me this, and I'm like, yeah, I'm telling you right now, telling you right now, telling you right now, you made a big mistake again.
Yeah, yeah.
This is a big, big mistake.
Michael's like, yeah, this guy seems like a real problem.
The kid would be like crying.
Like, he would come home.
The kid's crying.
Yeah.
And then the kid's like, and then Michael's like, I don't really know if I can live with you.
And the kid's like, but I still want to be friends with you.
I thought you were one of my best friends.
Literally, they know each other 48 hours at this point.
Like, so I'm like, oh, this is total.
But one of the reasons Michael likes me is he's attracted to crazy people.
He likes crazy people.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
But I have to monetize my crazy so there's a limit to how crazy I can get.
Yeah.
I have to be crazy in the parameters of civil society.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Absolutely.
But this dude does not.
So he would come home and the kid would be, and then the kid starts saying to him, like, if you leave, I don't know what I'll do, man.
I'm afraid of myself.
I don't know if he's threatening Michael or threatening to kill himself or whatever.
So finally.
And they just moved in together.
Literally, this is all under 72 hours.
Jeez.
Where the kid is threatening to harm himself, saying, because the kid's on drugs, he's got all these problems.
And Michael's calling me.
He's like, I'm so mad at myself.
I don't know why I did this.
And I'm like, I know why you did it.
Because you were just like, you saw a beautiful apartment.
Yeah.
This kid seemed like a whatever, but you know.
So he then gets his apartment.
Now he's living in this place in Marina Del Rey.
Now, Marina, Marina Del Rey.
Here's the thing, man.
Here's the thing here.
I gotta, you know, and he's like, he's one of my best friends, and he knows, he knows that I have to broadcast this, you know, to hundreds of thousands of people.
It is what it is.
This is what you're friends with me.
Yeah.
My parents know this.
They, you know?
Yeah.
I'm, I, I want to do a live podcast for my mother's mental institution, but all of the people I want to have on keep dying.
Literally.
One of them died the other day.
And so it's like, oh, no.
This is tough.
But I'm like, I'm going to.
One of the inmates or one of them.
Yeah, no, there is.
You can do somebody.
How about this?
You could call them patients, but they can't leave.
Yeah, yeah.
So inmate is fine for that.
I know, you know, I know we want to be all sweet on them, but a patient can go outside.
The inmate, you know what I mean?
My mother can go out, but it's you got to sign a waiver and take her out and then bring her back in, you know?
Oh, yeah.
So swap responsibility.
So Michael goes and gets his apartment in, like, you know, this, this, like, it looks like a hotel.
It looks like an older hotel.
It's like one of these complexes, popcorn ceilings, you know, those like ceilings.
It's all carpet.
The whole, his apartment is all carpet.
The halls are carpeted.
There's stains everywhere.
The holes are carpeted.
The halls.
Oh, the halls.
The halls.
You know, there's all smell great.
It looks like the hotel from the Florida project, you know?
Yeah.
But with none of the fun people.
But maybe there are some fun people.
Living in Stained Carpet00:02:06
Like, I think he smoked a little weed in his apartment and he got a note slipped under the door and they're like, hey, I'm on dialysis.
I can't close the window.
I'm not strong enough to open the window.
Please, you know, there's a lot of dangers of secondhand smoke.
And he was just like, okay, you know, there's a lot of positives of smoking weed, though, if you're on dialysis.
Right, right.
Yeah.
But he, you know, so who knows?
He's probably getting blamed for a lot of other shit that's going on there.
But like, nobody forced him to make this decision, right?
Yeah.
And the place has a pool and whatever.
Yeah.
And it's, you know, I walk in and I'm like, you know, this is, he's spending like $2,400 a month, $2,500 a month.
Ocean view?
Stop.
There's no ocean view.
But he's like, I'm two blocks from the beach.
Here's the thing, folks.
What is this need to live by the beach?
What psychosis is this?
Like, I'm two blocks from the beach.
You're either on the beach or you're not.
Yeah.
I'm an hour from the beach.
Same shit.
You're either on the beach or you're not on the beach.
You either have to put shoes on or you don't.
Beach towns are disgusting.
They're full of drunks, junkies.
It's true.
The people that are attracted to the beach, 10% of them are upstanding people that want to jog and do volleyball.
And the other 90% of them are homeless heroin addicts.
Yeah.
So every beat, Venice, you go down to Venice.
It's like, who would want to live in this?
I would rather live at the gathering of the juggalos than live in these beach towns.
Like even Malibu is dirty and shit.
Like, I understand if you have a mansion and you have a view of whatever, but it's filthy.
It's filthy.
And I'm a water guy.
I'm a beach guy.
I love it.
I grew up in a beach town.
I get it.
Yeah.
Beach Towns and Heroin Addicts00:16:15
You know what we used to do?
When I grew up on the beach, we used to sniff cocaine on it at night.
And like all the people that bought houses on the beach, we're like, who are these dirtbags?
We're your kids.
What the hell's this?
Why is this, you know, smoking weed and doing blow on the beach?
That's what people do on the beach.
It's a good time.
So he's like, yeah, two blocks from the beach.
And then he starts saying things.
He's like, you know, he's a guy with like very specific complaints.
He's like, there's nowhere to get an $8 food item here.
Yeah, no shit.
I'm like, yeah, he's like, it's either a lot of money or it's like, there's just nowhere to get an $8.
And he acts like he was, you know, somebody at gunpoint put a gun in his mouth, dragged him into this place and said, sign this lease, or we're going to blow your brains out of the back of your skull.
That's what he acts like.
But he did this completely voluntarily because he kind of likes, I think there's some apart, you know, because he's like, he's like, all the things that are better are 35 and I can't, you know, I can't spend that money.
And I can't.
So I have to get, I have to be in this.
And it's just one of those things where it's like, you know, at a certain point, you just, you got to realize if you keep making these decisions, there's a reason you keep making them.
There's a reason you keep making them.
You know, you want to be in a position that you don't.
And it is what it is.
I'm not judging anybody.
I've made a lot of bad choices in my life, but not the bad choices that anyone thinks.
Right.
You're not signing leases on shitty apartments.
I haven't signed anything.
I haven't signed anything in 10 years.
You know?
Yeah.
The last thing I signed was a mortgage note for $670,000.
It's a good investment.
And guess what?
That didn't work out well for me or the people that gave me $670,000 when I was coked out and 23 years old.
And I showed up in a sweaty Coke panic signing papers.
That's the last thing I signed.
Dude, you know?
But that was the sign of the times.
I mean, that's how you did a loan signing.
If you didn't buy a house with a subprime mortgage and lose it, you're a cuck.
Yeah.
Straight up.
You're a fucking cuck.
If you didn't go on the fucking ride like all of us good Americans, then fuck you.
Dude, I had a shutdown mortgage in this country.
Yeah, I was right there with you.
There's no debtor's prison.
This isn't Dubai where they lock you up in jail because you can't pay for something.
You just declare bankruptcy.
Declaring bankruptcy, which I haven't done and I will probably, but eventually, maybe, I don't know.
But declaring bankruptcy.
You buy a nice fridge before you do that.
I will celebrate my bankruptcy at a beautiful restaurant in Beverly Hills.
People say to me, oh, you defend capitalism.
I don't really defend capitalism.
All I know about capitalism is you borrow a lot of money, you don't pay it back, and no one can put you in a cell.
That's my understanding of capitalism.
It's the American dream.
Now, it hurts your kids or whoever's around for it.
I'm not advising this, but I'm a lone wolf here.
I'm wandering around the desert alone.
If you hand me a bag of money and say, this will work out, I'm going to say, I bet it will.
I bet it will.
Why am I going to tell you?
Do I know better than Wells Fargo what I need?
No.
And they said I needed a bag of money, and I was inclined to agree with them.
Oh, Wells Fargo, baby.
But Michael's a legit guy.
He's got credit.
He's a real person.
He's got a hot little girlfriend who's a nurse.
They could make a real fucking life of it, you know?
And, you know, I don't know.
He's working?
He's in the weed thing now.
He came out here to get into this weed business because he had a really good job.
Fantastic.
And he wanted to come out here and he got rid of that job, but he wanted to come out here because listen, unless you get involved in one of these businesses that the potential to make a lot of money, you know, it's the wild west out here with weed, you know?
Laws are changing every day.
Companies are emerging.
People are trying to, there's a huge group of people that come out to the state with law degrees that want to be consultants, that want to take a lot of these mostly illegal operations and make them legal.
And there's a lot of people that are trying to get in that business.
And I think he was in a position in his company where he's like, I'll make $150,000 a year every year till I'm dead.
Go to Mets games, have a nice house on Long Island, or let me fucking take a shot.
I think you saw a guy like me who is fucking taking a shot.
You know, I make tens of thousands of dollars a year.
You know, I have hundreds of fans.
And I think he saw that.
And he said, I want to be a guy like Tim who puts it all on the line, you know, so that he could fucking stay in his friend's spare room every now and then.
That's what he wants.
And that type of inspiration is why I'm here.
I'm here so that people that have good lives can throw them away in the hopes that there's something great on the other side of it because fucking I was on a podcast people listen to.
Yeah.
No, you've made it.
I mean, you've made it.
People think I am like, yeah, people, somebody said to me the other day, like, you're probably getting ready to buy a house.
I'm like, I'm getting ready to buy a gun.
Are you nuts?
I make no money, and all of the money I make is taken from me from my agent, my manager, who deserve that occasionally.
My agent does, and my manager is, I enjoy him, you know.
And so what you, I make a third of my money, and then there's taxes, and then there's, you know, so, but, but I do think there's a lot of risk and it's exciting, and I get that.
Yeah.
To a guy like him, you know, we've had talks about this.
He's like, I want to do something exciting.
You know, I want to be part of it.
I want to be a millionaire.
I want to, I want to have all this.
But what I think he doesn't realize is that, like, none of that really, like, it's good and it's great to make money, but I don't think it matters in the way that he thinks it matters.
Like, I think, you know, like fulfillment-wise.
Yeah, because at the end of the day, I think what he doesn't realize is that the people that make that kind of money, their entire life, unless you get really lucky, their entire life is dedicated to making that kind of money.
Right.
Everything they do.
You know, people, when people think about making money, they think about vacations.
They think about, oh, this is the house I live in.
And the rich people that I know, when they're on a vacation, they're not even on it mentally.
They're somewhere else thinking about their fucking business, thinking about, you know.
They're on the phone on a beach somewhere yelling at somebody.
Right.
100%.
Yeah.
So I think that there's, you know, because he works for, you know, people that are, you know, really committed to, but, you know, he sees, you know, the first-class airfare, the big houses, the big money.
And listen, you want that.
And I get it.
And God, listen, I hope he makes all the money he wants.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I hope he makes all the money he wants and he'll be very happy.
You know, I mean, what's nice about him is he, he doesn't, you know, he knows the apartment is shit.
Yeah.
So that I don't have to pretend like, you know, this is a, it reminded me of one of those crack houses I hung out at when I was 13.
I'm like, should we start crushing up rocks?
Like, what are we, what are we doing here?
Marina Del Rey.
Yeah, why are you living?
Well, I'm by the beach.
I try to walk down to the beach every day before work.
Why?
Why?
Again, you're having it.
That's not a rich thought.
That's not a rich person thought.
Before work, there is no before work.
There's no after work.
There's just fucking work.
Yeah.
What are you going around fucking with SEALs in the morning?
Yeah.
He's like, you know, sometimes I could maybe jump in the water in the day.
You've not earned the beach.
You've not earned the beach.
You get no beach.
That's a great John Mulane joke where he talks about all these house hunter shows where John Mulaney is like, and now another episode of who doesn't deserve a beach house, you know?
I've been watching those, and I never got into them, but I've been watching them more and more.
Where people, I like the ones that are in real shithole areas where it's like the realtors look like shit and they show up without shoes on.
Yeah.
And they're selling people like just $300,000 beach houses in Mobile, Alabama.
Salt of the Earth.
Yeah, Salt of the Earth people.
And, you know, Mobile, when I was a kid, I was in Annie, Get Your Gun, which was a show that was on Broadway.
They toured it around the country.
I was 11 years old.
I lived on a, you know, we stayed in different hotels every night, but I lived on a tour bus.
Went to Mobile, Alabama.
And, you know, Mobile, Alabama is, I saw the thing that I, I went on one of those rides where they, they pull you up in a harness and then let you swing.
And it's still there.
Like I, on the dumb real estate show, we're talking, talking 20 years ago, more than 20 years ago, the same ride.
Like, Mobile, but it's just funny when the realtor is like, you know, they're telling these people like about all the different, you know, things that the house has and all the people are like really excited.
They're like, you can't, you can't beat these views.
Can't bait it.
You can't beat these views.
And it's like, yeah, but let's be honest.
You're going to be in the house and you're going to, for a lot of the people on that show, not all of them, but for a lot of the people on that show, you'd be just as happy getting drunk and posting about QAnon somewhere else.
You don't need to be on the beach to post about QAnon on Reddit in a methamphetamine haze.
You don't need to get away.
Stop this.
I like to be doing my posts on when I'm on full-on crack cocaine, when there's an extra bedroom.
I like this town.
It's real quaint.
You can walk everywhere.
Anyway, Guantanamo is being kept open because Barack and Hillary are going to jail for running a human trafficking ring.
And Trump was sent by Jesus.
It's like, okay, but this could go on a few blocks away from the beach.
Probably.
Hang out at Trump Soldier 69 on the line.
Yeah.
I'm sure you could really light up R the Donalds from another location that isn't, you know, really.
I don't think you need Seagull shitting on your head.
Dude, my wife watches that.
My wife will watch that show and just, I just will feel so shitty while she watches it because we're sitting in this two-bedroom apartment in Sunlin with our two kids.
Yeah.
And, you know, we've got a guy, a street walker that just walks into people's houses, just some random vagrant that's literally just seeing if people's doors are open and see if they got food in their house.
Some dude did that to our downstairs neighbor.
I got to be honest with you.
I'm trying to think of how different that guy's life is from mine.
Not really that different at all.
Kind of what I do.
This place open, they got sandwiches.
Yeah, that's kind of what I do.
Just walking around, knocking on doors.
But we'll watch these shows and there'll be guys like in Mobile or some random middle-of-the-country place and they're buying these gargantuan 10,000 square foot homes.
Yeah.
And it's just like, well, this one's a real fixer-upper.
You know, it's $97,000.
I know that's a bit above your budget, but you know what?
If we do this, we could put a lot of improvements, you know?
Well, what's great when you learn about those shows is you just, if you don't have to live in New York or LA, you're kind of free.
Absolutely.
You know, there's an amazing freedom you get from just being able to go somewhere else because some of these fucking houses, they'll be like, this house is 7,000 square feet.
It's 18 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, pool, and it's like $300,000 because you're living in the middle of the woods.
And like, I love like, you know, they'll tell them they're like, you won't see any neighbors.
You're out here.
You're secluded.
You're living in the fucking woods.
Yeah.
Some of them, though, like the guy, my favorite ones are the ones where one of them will have like an archery range in the backyard.
And then it's a shitty house.
And then they'll show them two other houses.
And the guy will be like, if I'm honest, I really want that archery range.
Yeah.
It's like, you know, you can put that at any of the other houses, but they can't see beyond, you know, being.
Well, no, and I also love the people on those shows who've clearly inherited all the money, who don't even know what a monthly payment is or what a mortgage is.
They have literally no clue.
And they're like, it's time to get a home.
We live in a house right now.
And by the way, I'm imitating Southern people.
I know that they're not all Southern.
Don't fucking start a problem with me and tell me that they're not all Southern.
I just can't do a lot of fucking accents, but a lot of them are Southern.
You know, they have these beach communities like I don't even know exist.
They'd be like, I want to get a beach house in Gainesville, Florida.
Yeah.
I want to get a second home for my family down in Gainesville.
I want a fan boat.
I want something to go ahead and knock the Gatorheads around.
And they'll be like, local realtor, Susan Coleman Eddies.
She's here to show this couple some options for a beach house in Gainesville, Florida.
Now, Susan's son is incarcerated.
Recently, she barricaded herself in the bathroom while he tried to break down the door to steal the rest of her pain medication.
And Susan sadly had to put him in jail where she hopes he'll find Jesus.
Susan's out here trying to show this other couple what beach house in Gainesville, Florida in a swamp is best to suit their needs.
These realtors look haggard on these shows.
Oh, yeah.
These realtors.
Oh, they're beat up.
Like beat up.
They're wearing like beaters.
Yeah.
These realtors, a lot of them are women.
Yeah.
They show up looking like, you know, light complexed with purple lipstick.
Oh, yeah.
Dark eyeliner, pencil-thin eyebrows.
Yeah, they show up and they're just, the whole thing is super awkward.
Once we get the possums out of the garage, this place is going to be great.
Yeah.
They're like, and the thing about real estate is like there's not a ton of middle ground.
So there's people that make a lot of money at it.
And then there's people, it is kind of like comedy.
It's like people who really aren't realtors, but they have, they pass that test.
Oh, yeah.
You know?
So they're just, they don't know shit.
Yeah.
They don't know anything.
And they're just kind of stumbling around a house showing these other degenerates.
You know, dude, I read Robert Kiyosaki's The Millionaire Next Door or whatever.
Yeah.
One of those books about real estate.
And I thought, oh, it's on now.
I'm going to start getting real estate and start renting it out.
And nobody knows what the fuck they're doing.
Like you go to these places.
The guy, I remember some guy tried to get us to go to a conference for $3,000.
And we show up at the conference, and the lady at the front desk doesn't even know what's going on.
This is like a preview.
He's like, show up.
The first day is free.
And if you want to do the full thing, you know, and then we found out it was three grand while we were in the conference.
But the guy's advice was go and look on the newspaper for houses.
Yeah.
That was his advice.
Right.
Yeah.
Look, if you go get a paper, your local paper.
Yeah.
You go, you look in, there's houses for sale.
Right.
And you can buy them.
Now, sometimes you'll go and you can't get a loan, maybe.
Not a problem.
Go in there, see if they'll be financed the loan for you.
Yeah.
Real estate is like a business for people who think books are gay.
You know, that's like the people that get into real estate are retarded.
Hunting Houses in Fresno Papers00:05:39
Even the ones that make millions of dollars a year, they're stupid people.
And they have like, they're dumb.
They're not smart.
So even the big ones that are making $10 million a year in New York simply can only talk about tile in a bathroom.
Yeah.
They have no idea what's going on.
They have no idea.
It's that sales ethos of not concentrating on anything else except making the sale.
So they don't care.
They will sell how, like, there's tents all over LA that these people drive by.
People are literally like, it's fucking post-apocalyptic war zone.
These people drive through it.
They don't even look at it.
Don't think about it.
Don't care.
Listening to some fucking motivation, you know, dude, and then they just go walk around the house and they're like, There's a lot of natural light, there's a lot of natural light in the sunroom.
And it's like, well, that's nice.
Society's crumbling.
Have you thought of that?
That's why I would suck at that job because I would, in the middle of the sale, I would look at the people, did you see the tense on the way here?
Like, how long till that just boils over?
And what happens?
Do you think those people get weapons eventually?
Or anyway?
Yeah, there is light here, I guess.
In the room, you can keep the swing set in the backyard.
It's like agents and managers.
None of these people are.
There are so few smart people in the world.
There's not a lot of smart people.
And sales is not a job for smart people.
It's a job.
But you need salespeople.
I respect the hell out of sales.
But I would rather hang out with them than these fucking.
There's a lot of pseudo-intellectual people who think that they're intelligent.
Right.
But what that really means is they have no social skills.
So you have a lot of autists running around places that can't speak to a human being without being terrified.
Right.
They get scared.
If you say hello to them, they act like you've played a cruel joke on them.
So they tend to think they're intelligent because they read marks all day and then stumble out to an open mic.
But so I'd rather some dumb, hot salesperson who's just coming all over and fucking hot and dumb as fuck and just cares about, but then there's a limit to, you know, those people also.
You're like, okay, enough's enough.
Dude, I used to work, I used to work sales at Wells Fargo, and this girl came in for what I like about Wells Fargo is that's a company that'll just bang an old person right over the head.
Oh, dude, I got a story for you, man.
Yeah.
But this, I remember this girl came in for a job interview and she literally had a huge scar over her neck.
Like she tried to behead herself.
Yeah.
And it was red and she was like a real pale skin.
And it was just so obvious.
Like it was just ridiculous.
And she leaves and I go to my manager.
I go, what do we are we going to hire?
He goes, I don't know.
And I go, what's with the scar though?
Don't you think that'll be a little off-putting to people?
And he goes, look, man, she's hungry.
And I'm just like, okay.
Yeah.
All right.
He's like, that's all we need.
I just need somebody that's hungry and has no morals.
And then just is willing to do whatever it takes to get the sale.
I'm like, hey, fair enough.
That's what it is.
Dude, does it matter?
There is this guy in his doesn't matter if it's that guy from the last scene of Beetlejuice with that little head.
As long as he's hungry and he wants to crush it.
He's hungry and aggressive.
He wants to be aggressive and crushing.
He told me he loves the phones.
As long as there's not one thought that goes through his head that doesn't correlate to fucking selling whatever horse shit we've decided people need.
You know?
Dude, we had some guy in his 80s who had a house in Fresno.
Yeah.
Fresno, Central Valley, California.
And the house was worth $750,000.
We somehow were able to bump the values to get him a $1.2 million loan.
And the lady that comes in and signs it is like this decent-looking woman in her 30s with these huge six-inch heels on.
And he's over in the chair, just kind of like slumped over, barely conscious.
And she's just going, Well, honey, if we do this, then we can get the pool.
We can get that pool and maybe even the boat we were talking about getting.
And he's just like, barely, just barely conscious.
Yeah, that woman, by the way, they'll write an article about her that she's a victim of.
You know, she's a victim, this woman who's like, I told that story the other week of the podcast.
It's like the idea that these people are victims is kind of funny.
Listen, I love sales because of there's something cool about a sales office because literally it's not, you know, when you look at certain businesses, people, especially the one that we're in, a lot of the writers are all IV fucking boys.
They all fucking come from the same place.
Sales office, dude, you'll have people, you'll have an 80-year-old guy selling shit just because he's like, I'm trying to stay alive.
And I do appreciate something about that I appreciate.
Dude, this guy Keith would come into work and the hot news every day would be what he found last night.
Right.
Because he was a speedhead.
And he would just, he would be like, dude, I got some nice brass, real nice brass last night.
It was a big haul.
And he's like, oh, my truck was almost full up.
And I, you know, we bets I barely got to work on time.
I had some of the most fun.
There was this guy named Howie I used to work with, who was a cocaine dealer and also sold mortgages, but didn't really sell mortgages because he didn't really know what they were.
But he was like, he was like a 40-year-old guy.
He was in his mid-30s at that point, who he should have known.
And I remember just being 19 and sitting in his apartment and watching him do cocaine.
Keith's Daily Speedhead Hauls00:12:23
And he's like, I want to move to Santa Domingo.
He goes, because that's where they treat you like a fucking person.
That's where they treat you like a fucking person.
And I was all coked out, just staring at him.
I'm like, yeah, man.
Yeah, those are dark times.
And then I got into, those were dark times.
And then you get into comedy and you're like, oh, those were great.
Like, those people were fine.
Those people were.
I got shit on the other day.
I wrote this tweet about this movie, Love Simon, which is a movie.
I don't know if you've seen Love Simon.
It was a book.
It came out in 2015.
And I tweet stuff, and every now and then people get enraged at me, but this was people really angry because Love Simon is about a gay guy who starts corresponding anonymously with another person at his school.
Okay.
And he then struggles with coming out of the closet.
And then he comes out of the closet.
But his parents are like liberal and they have a beautiful house in the suburbs and he's gorgeous and everything works out at the end.
And, you know, everything's fine.
And so I tweeted out, like, listen, this is, you know, I understand, but listen, you know, let's stop pretending that in 2016 coming out is like it was in 1950.
Yeah.
Okay.
Can we stop pretending that this isn't Angels in America where everyone's dropping dead of AIDS and basically everyone else is going, good, good, good.
This isn't what's going on.
I'm not saying that people don't have struggles with it, especially people have different.
So I just tweeted, like, listen, I was like, I have had conversations in Uber pools that are more worthy of being a show than this.
It's 2019.
Yeah.
And the plot line is that this kid in the suburbs is just like, how do I, how do I do it?
How can I do it?
His friends are all liberal.
Fred's not.
You're not living in the backwoods of some.
So I thought that would be an innocuous thing.
And the hate that I got from people.
People got so angry on Twitter.
They're like, everybody's coming out story matters.
Number one, it doesn't.
Let's be very honest.
Let me be very clear about that.
It doesn't matter.
I think people having access to water matters.
Yes.
To be honest, you know.
100%.
And if everyone's coming out story matters, well, then no one's matters, does it?
Yep.
Some people come out, it's a big deal, some is a thing.
And I'm not taking it, it might matter to you personally, but who gives a shit?
Sure.
It doesn't fucking be.
So people call me heterosexual.
They're like, you're a heterogeneous.
You don't understand anything about.
And all these people that are enraged.
I'm not going to read the tweets.
I don't want to give these fucking people, you know, but it was just kind of funny to me that people get so angry at the fucking idea that, no, you are not interesting just because you suck dick.
It doesn't make you, it might have been 97, but we got other shit now.
Yeah.
We got 3,000 genders.
Yeah.
We've got other shit.
We've moved on now.
Right.
It's not.
Now, I know that people don't want to trade that card in because then they have to have something to fucking.
And I'm not saying it's easy for gay people.
I know that I pass as a straight person, so it's easier for me.
You know what I mean?
Is that what it is?
Is that the thing?
Well, that's what people say.
People are like, well, you pass as a straight guy.
That's why you work comedy clubs.
And I say, no.
They're wearing comments.
This is why I work comedy clubs.
I make the people there laugh who've paid to be there.
I don't talk about come for an hour.
And I don't do a, you know, like I talk about sexuality in the act, and it is what, like, this whole idea now.
It's like, no, I hate to say it, but it's like, it's no longer interesting.
Being gay is no longer interesting.
It just isn't.
Dude, I got in trouble at a mic.
Some girl pulled me aside outside and was just like, you're punching down.
Because I said, I was just sitting in this mic and everybody was going up there.
And essentially, their whole set was, this is who I fuck.
And nobody will take, you know, be okay with it.
Yeah, by the way, and everybody.
Everybody is.
Everybody is clapping.
They're clapping.
They're like, fuck a dog.
Everyone's like, Grad.
Yeah.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No, I just, I went on stage.
I was just like, I hope that there's more to you than what you put your dick in or let people put in you.
I hope that's what I'm saying.
And by the way, spoiler alert, there is not.
To many of these people, there is not.
And that's the problem.
Many of these people, I look at them, I'm like, oh, thank God you were gay.
Because if not, you would be a customer service rapid Geico.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
But that's what you would do.
Your conversations with people should consist of this.
Were you hit from behind?
Are the police on the way?
Are you okay?
Has an ambulance showed up?
That's what it is.
Nobody needs your fucking thoughts.
Your thoughts have no value.
Your thoughts have no value because you put a dick in your mouth or you put your tongue in a pussy.
Whatever it is.
No one cares.
So my whole thing with Love Simon is that, and here's the other thing, right?
So I'll tell you about a Love Simon situation that I had.
This is another reason that I might hate the movie because I will now tell you about Love Simon.
It's about you.
Yeah, but it doesn't what my love said, you know, the Love Simon worked out very nicely in this film, and they ended up this hot black kid, hot white kid on a Ferris wheel.
And it was the last scene of the movie is like they meet each other finally on this Ferris wheel and they're like, aren't you happy?
And da-da-da-da-da.
And that's not what always happens.
And it's unrealistic to me, but people like that.
People love that stuff.
I have a bow on it.
People want the bow on it.
They want it to be.
But I used to, there were these blogs in like 2000 and again, I want to say this because I don't, I never want to lie to my audience.
People have remarked that here the show, people have said, it sounds like you're smoking a cigarette on the show.
And I don't smoke and I've never smoked.
And what they're hearing when I smoke a cigarette, they're hearing me enjoy a pair.
Oh, that's yeah, yeah.
It's a pair that I'm.
I was wondering why you keep eating.
Which is very healthy.
It doesn't seem like pairs are healthy, to be honest.
They're so good.
They're so luscious.
I haven't had one in a while, except now.
I'm having one now.
Oh, it's a podcast pair.
Yeah.
So that's what it is.
But I used to, there were these blogs where there would be these blogs would be like Closeted Frat Boy.
And closeted frat boy would write, it would be some kid who would be like in a frat in like a school, and he would just write about fucking dudes on the DL.
And you would read these blogs to really get off.
That's why you would read he would tell some story about some guy that he met, and you know, and some frat guy that I didn't know was like, we all got drunk, and then we all, you know, I was getting hazed with a paddle of what they did.
Yeah, it was just, it was, it was just porn, essentially.
But then also these kids, but you would fall in love with these guys if you kept reading, because you identified with them.
You're like, well, I'm in the closet and this person's in the closet and da-da-da-da-da.
And they had the life that you wanted.
They were, they were, you know, good looking, they were athletic, and they were all these things that you wanted to be, and they were fucking, whatever.
So I started to correspond with a guy who was this closeted financial guy, okay?
And he would write all these dumb, you know, things about what it's like to be a guy in the closet in the finance world.
And he had graduated in Ivy League school and whatever.
And I just, I never saw his picture.
So I would just imagine what he looked like.
Right.
So I would correspond with him back and forth.
And, you know, he would talk to me and I'd be like, oh, I'm, you know, I'm a comedian.
And back then, I was just like really doing open mics and everything.
I was trying to, I felt so, you know, this guy had his own apartment that was really cool in the city.
And he was taking guys back there to fuck and all this shit and the other thing.
Yeah.
So I was like corresponding with him.
And I'm like, oh, maybe one day we'll meet or anything like this, which never happened.
But I was like, oh, you should come to a comedy show every now and then, which he never, you know, of course, he's never going to go to.
But I would correspond with him.
And then one day, and this is what happened in Love Simon.
And we would correspond like a few times a week.
So it was like, and I ever, you know, when the email would come into my inbox, I'd be like, happy.
I'd be like, oh, this guy is really cool.
And then one day I emailed him and the email was no good.
Really?
It didn't work.
So it was like he was, you know what I mean?
He disappeared.
Like you were getting catfish or something.
I wonder to this day where that guy is.
I'm like, did he marry a woman?
Yeah.
Did he come out of the closet?
So my last ditch attempt, like, the email didn't work.
And I was just like, I was just like, I still think about that dude.
Yeah.
That guy.
Blurred.
His email address was like blurred because he said, my life's a blur.
And he would just tell these stories.
Yeah.
And a lot of them would be like, you know, I'm just, I'm so uncomfortable.
Somebody made this gay joke at work, blah, blah, blah.
And then I went out and I met this guy and fucking go into this detail.
He knew why people wanted to read the blog.
You know what I mean?
He got it.
Like, it was, it was, you know, partially like, oh, I'm trying to figure myself out.
But then it was like, you know, he was like, he was hung.
And he had such a huge dick.
You know, he got, you know what I mean?
His balls were sparkling in the moonlight.
Yeah, it's like all this shit, you know?
And then, so one day, and I don't know what happened.
It was like one of those people that I'll never know.
I kind of knew online, but I'll never know as a human.
Like, I'll never know him as a person.
And it was just a weird feeling.
Well, you were connected.
We were connected in a weird way.
How old were you?
24.
And were you still in the closet?
100%.
Yeah.
I mean, and you, so you got somebody that you're sharing your intimate details with embarrassed about or you're ashamed about with everybody else that accepts you that you're relating to, and then they just fucking disappear, of course.
Now, you know, that guy was corresponding with dudes who were hot, who were like sending pictures of their dick.
You know what I mean?
Who knows?
And maybe, maybe.
Love you for your moment.
Here's the thing.
Like, maybe the guy was, you know, my friend said to me, he's like, that guy could have been 70.
That guy could have been living this pretend world.
Yeah.
Just to engage, and that flipped me out.
Could be your dad.
It could have been your own father.
My father has never put work in anything lower than a blog post.
You know what I mean?
I'll tell you that much.
That would have been a paragraph.
No, his friends.
Listen, I love my father, but my father's one of those guys who's like, oh, is it three?
Well, it's quitting time.
Hey, that's a good man.
Hey, it's quitting time.
It's one o'clock.
But so then I got flipped out because I'm like, oh, this fucking dude that I had imagined was exactly, but I think he still was that guy, but I have no proof of that.
But I think he was this person that he said he was, which was this young finance guy who was, you know, trying to figure himself out.
Yeah.
Kind of in the, you know, certainly in the closet, experimenting and all this shit.
But I'll never know.
And it's weird that I'm like, I want, because he knows my name.
I told him my whole name and everything.
So I wonder if he's ever been like, oh, I wonder what happened to that guy.
Because he didn't talk to me.
We did have like meaningful conversations.
Dude, I bet he did, man.
I bet, because you don't, I mean, unless it was a complete scam where somebody was just living a different life and just like writing, you know, they just wanted to be a creative writer.
So they were writing these fucktails on, you know, blog posts and then ended up making a connection.
But I mean, you can't correspond with somebody that much and then just not care.
I would say, if he's out there and he's listening to this show, can you please piss in my mouth for four subscribers?
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I mean, four subscribers.
The intimacy.
I don't even think I'm into that, but I just feel like because it's not, I don't, if you don't want to have sex with me, it's fine.
I get, hey, sure.
Meaningful Conversations with Strangers00:06:02
I get it.
Just a little piss in the mouth.
Just piss in my mouth.
Yeah.
Because I talked to you for months.
Yeah.
Months of emails.
I cared.
And I think it might be a nice thing for you to do to kind of give back to the community.
You know?
There's going to be a podcast that Serial does where they find out he's one of the smiley face killers.
It's another thing that I'll get no money from.
I'll make no revenue.
By the way, when that smiley, if that ever breaks, you know, they're going, they won't go on my show.
They'll go on some big show.
I tried to get those detectives on.
I'm like, hey, hey, assholes.
You want to come on the show and maybe raise some awareness about this case you've been thumping around with for 20 years, promising these families justice and asking them for money.
And then they responded, like, well, we're in this thing with oxygen.
We got to see what's happening with season two.
I'm like, oh, so that's what it's about.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what it's about.
You don't want to get the word out.
You don't care about finding the killer.
You care about being on oxygen so we could get a bunch of fat women as a crack detectives.
A crack squad of fat detectives.
Oh, when they're folding that laundry, a bunch of women eating 19 halo tops because they think it's healthy.
Sitting there watching your show.
This one's whole grain.
Yeah.
These fucking clowns.
Like oxygen's some like fucking, like that's a great, you know, that's a great day.
We're getting the word out on oxygen.
You know, we're going to put these kids' photos on the back of lean cuisine boxes.
Hopefully somebody finds them, you know?
It's like ridiculous.
You're like, I mean, you know, but it was a weird, it was a weird thing.
And there's a lot of dudes now that are gay that are not coming out or they're just like, it is what it is.
There's a lot of bisexual guys.
There's a lot of guys that are just like, I'm not going to, I don't, you know, for whatever reason, they're like, I just don't feel the need to.
Yeah, I believe.
I believe it.
I mean, it would be a weird thing to have to declare what you're into sexually.
Right.
Like with everybody.
I mean, I understand the need to do it.
And obviously, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm a cisgendered white piece of shit.
Yeah.
But, you know, like, I would imagine it's awkward to, like, have to go public, you know, with something like that.
I have to, people don't realize on stage, I have to come out every single set.
Yeah.
So, if I'm doing a headlining set, I come out in the set.
If I'm doing a 15-minute set, a lot of times I don't because if I'm not working on a joke where it matters.
And now, in some markets, if you say you're gay, you get goodwill.
Yeah.
I want to be like, What can I say without them knowing that?
Like, how far can I push these jokes without them knowing that?
But in a headlining set, I got material about it.
If I'm talking about it, it does come out.
Yeah.
But it's, you know, and there's a lot of gay comics that never have to.
They just get on stage and they're fucking cool.
And I mean, it is what it is.
You could just tell, you know.
Yeah, you can tell all your racist jokes and be like, look, I'm gay.
It's okay.
But a lot of the guys that I hooked up with too were like guys that are either in the closet or weird.
Not always in the closet.
A lot of them aren't.
But then they're just, some of these guys are just weird.
Like, some of these guys are just like, yeah, I don't, like, I don't tell my parents what I do.
Yeah.
I do with one guy who has a girlfriend.
And I'm like, I wonder, do you tell her?
Like, I see him on Instagram and she's a hot chick.
And I'm like, do you, does she know?
Does she know?
That makes it even hotter, though.
If it's like, yeah.
For probably for both of you, the fact that it's like, that it's, it's secret.
Like, it's this, it's, you know, right.
You're, you're turning this.
I know a guy who gets blown by dudes periodically.
Really?
Yeah.
And I love the way I love the word periodically in that blown by dudes.
Got blown by dudes periodically.
Biannual blowing.
Every now and then, periodically.
Just and what's his deal?
What does he say?
That I mean, when I ask him about it, because I'm just like, because we were, I was giving him shit about the whole Me Too thing and stuff because, you know, he's drunk and whatever when, you know, when it's happened.
And he's like, he's like, it's fine.
It's not a big deal.
It's just, you know, it's like, I don't care.
I'm not really, I'm not really tied down to anything.
And I'm like, well, does, do, do people, he's like, yeah, I mean, my, my, my girl knows or whatever, you know, she's, she's aware of it.
But, you know, it's just one of those things I do when I, when I start drinking.
And it's just like, okay.
I mean, all right.
Hey, live your life.
Interesting.
But it is weird when somebody who you have no idea that that, you know, has something like that that you just, you have a preconceived notion.
And then they go, oh, yeah, I just, I got drunk last night and this dude blew me.
It's like, oh.
There's a lot of dudes, I tell everybody, if in your close friends, group of close friends, there's one of your friends that's gotten blown by a dude.
100%.
Oh, yeah.
May not talk about it.
It may happen more than once.
May not talk about it.
There's definitely a guy.
If you have more than six friends or even less, you know, there's no way that one of those dudes has done something that, you know, they haven't, you know, disclosed to you.
And that makes people think.
Like, I've told people that and they're sitting back and they're kind of like, wow, that makes me think.
Yeah.
You know?
Well, I mean, it's fucking sexuality.
You know, sometimes people, you get in the mood.
You know, the music's right.
You're in the right context.
Who knows?
Yeah.
Who knows what's going to go down?
You know, I do like your buddy who got the roommate who's nuts who's telling about his uncle reaching out.
I feel like there's those situations too where somebody will tell a story like that to kind of prep him.
Like, you know what I mean?
Because who knows?
If he was still in that house, he could have done the uncle move in the middle of the night and just be like, oh, sorry, I was abused as a child.
Yeah, that's my friend's like radically straight.
He's like Howard Stern straight where he's like afraid of men.
He's afraid of like seeing a dick because he doesn't know what'll happen.
Oh, yeah.
And he's like a second, you know, Ray Cump had a great point about this guy.
Ray Cum's like, oh, you're a sex addict, but you don't every now and then see what a dick's about.
Watching Games and Buying Groceries00:13:04
You know?
What kind of addict is that?
Yeah, not a kind of sex addicts that.
Not very thorough.
I was a drug addict.
If you showed up with a pill I hadn't taken, I'd be like, let's take it for a spin.
Yeah.
You never did heroin, though, right?
No, I never did heroin.
I never did.
What am I going to find the vein for an hour?
That's embarrassing.
Sit there and tie seven garden hoses around myself.
Like a vein pops out.
What kind of doing yoga?
Who has the time?
Who has a full-time job?
Who has the fucking time?
But I remember I used to live with my grandmother, and I would have to get guy.
Like, I would have a guy, I had this kid come over, and I say kid, I don't mean kid.
He was like 19.
He was home from college, and he was a kid that went.
And he came over, and it's when I was living with my grandmother in Long Island, I was living with my grandmother.
I don't know why I thought, like, my grandmother went to church, and then after church, Cheryl from the church was taking her to get groceries.
Cheryl was crazy religious.
Cheryl used to, like, my grandmother was a very liberal, devout Catholic, but smart, like, liberal, got a doctorate from NYU, like, oh, wow.
Took a few classes at Yale, very smart.
Cheryl was a like complete like hellfire and brimstone, oh, yeah, Catholic Inquisition.
And like, Cheryl would tell the kids, like, your dog doesn't go to heaven.
And then the kids would cry and tell my grandmother, like, yeah.
And my grandmother would bring her in and be like, hey, Cheryl, let's, she'd be like, Halloween is Satan's holiday.
And my grandmother would be like, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, let's rein it in a little bit.
Let's just, let's just, the kids are seven.
I'm not going to hide the truth from your children.
Right, right.
I'm not going to do it.
Right.
So, you know, Cheryl, I think, once told the kids, like, the kid was like, my parents are divorced.
Will they go to hell?
And Cheryl's like, well, yeah.
Like, you know, these kids are like eight years old.
My grandma's like, Cheryl, let's not.
So Cheryl loved my grandmother.
So Cheryl would take my grandmother.
So I had this kid come in, 19 years old, but looked young.
How old were you?
Probably around that age.
Okay, okay.
20.
How old was I?
Like, this was last week.
It would be.
I have no if I listen.
I mean, I don't care.
In the gay community, it's not a big deal.
Yeah.
You know, it's really not.
It's, I mean, it's like, um, it's like you do.
So it's like, right.
Everybody's trying to fuck.
Yeah.
It's kind of like, so this, this, this guy comes over.
He's 19, but he looks young and he's coming back from college.
And he comes over to the house and he's in like basketball shorts and he's in like a he really looked no good.
I think I was like 28 or whatever.
Basketball shorts, though.
Sure.
This was like no good.
Like if you saw this, you would go, oh, I should call the cops, you know?
Like this, this was something where you would see this in a, you would see this and be like, oh, this is a documentary on Netflix.
No good.
You know, guy comes over in basketball shorts, like kind of like, you know, comes in.
He's like, he's like, I'm kind of hungry.
So I'm like, oh, I'll make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, right?
So I make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Again, weird, weird feeling there.
Not good.
Seems odd.
So I make up the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
We go in, we go into the room that I'm in.
We don't do any, we're not fucking or anything.
We suck each other off.
I think I eat his ass for a little while.
And then we watch Game of Thrones.
Okay.
Okay.
And good looking, you know, whatever.
Then I hear the sound of bags rumpling, like grocery bags.
Yeah.
And my grandmother and Cheryl walk in the house.
Now he's naked on a bed watching Game of Thrones.
I'm naked out of bed watching Game of Thrones.
You got to get ready for that.
My grandmother and, you know, Cheryl, who thinks the Virgin Mary talks to her every night, are in the living room unloading groceries.
So now I have to figure out some type of thing.
So I'm like, all right, so he gets dressed and then I bring him out.
And I'm like, oh, I have a friend over.
And my grandma's like, my grandmother knows I don't have any friends.
What friends?
You're a loser.
You're a 28-year-old loser who's trying to be a comedian who works on a tour bus.
What friend of you, what do you want?
Drugs again?
Like, who's signed on to this?
So, and then he just comes walking out and the look on Cheryl's face because Cheryl was kind of like, she knew what it was, but she didn't want to know what it was.
Yeah, yeah.
She wanted to call it out.
She didn't want to call it out, but she kind of knew what it was.
And it was just the most awkward.
And it was just, and this is before Uber.
So I had to call the kid a cab and put him in a cab.
And it was just, it was so, and then everyone on my block was outside for some reason because it was like the spring.
And they were all watching me put this clearly younger dude in a cab.
And like people were just looking at me like shaking their heads, you know, and they were like, you know.
Yeah.
You know?
Fuck him.
You know, I mean, it was just one of those instances where it's like, that's what Love Simon should be.
Right.
That's what Love Simon is.
Fucking a weird 19-year-old.
A kid's ass watching Game of Thrones in your grandmother's room.
But not her room, your room, in your grandmother's bungalow.
And then her and her religious friend Cheryl come in to unload the groceries and you have to walk the dude out of there.
That's like a video game right there.
That's like a mission.
That's what Love Simon is.
Let me ask you this.
Did you watch Moonlight?
Yes.
Did you like Moonlight?
I thought it was good.
I enjoyed Moonlight.
The only part I didn't like was the beach hand job.
Yeah.
I didn't get it.
I've never been into hand jobs.
I like hand jobs.
There's got to be sand on his hand.
Yeah, I've never been a hand job guy.
I don't get it.
It's not for me.
I mean, I don't know.
I started to completely side.
Everyone now has problems getting hard, though, because a lot of people are taking anti-anxiety and depression pills since they're four years old.
Oh, yeah.
So it can't get hard.
The best thing they get is a half, and you're just playing around with it all the time, like smacking it, putting it in the microwave.
You're trying to do anything you can to get a hard dick out of some of these, you know, adderal zombies that I'm trying to fuck here.
And they're just, they're kind of just rolling around like, you know, this really good-looking kid that just can't get hard.
And it's like, you know, you just make it out with him naked, and he's just got this soft dick the whole time.
And you're like, okay, well, this is...
That's no good.
This is not great.
But, you know, I mean, I'm not exactly, you know, Zach Efron.
So I'm like, well.
I don't think that's what it is.
So I grew up religious.
I remember they used to say, don't, no porn.
Porn's a sin.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
Maybe everyone's doing too much porn.
I think it's the porn, man, because like it scales.
First, you just see, you know, nudity.
You see genitals, and you're just like, oh, my God.
And you rock hard.
And then before long, you got to, you know, somebody's going to be ripping a cat's leg.
Sometimes that benefits me because I'm a cat's leg.
I can't come.
Sometimes that benefits me, though, because I'm a fetish.
So if people get like I had one guy once who just grabbed my stomach and screamed for the whole time.
Like he would just grab my stomach and go, ah!
During sex?
Well, we weren't even having sex.
He was just looking up and then he was just grabbing my stomach and like mashing it together and screaming going, ah!
And I think that's a fetish.
Yeah.
Because I didn't know what it was.
And then I said to someone, I think I put up on Facebook.
I'm like, what is that?
And they're like, oh, that's a fetish.
I thought he was having an episode, but he was grabbing the stomach, just going, ah, having an episode.
Screaming at the top of his leg.
Not in like pleasure, like screaming like someone was trying to kill him.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Somebody explained it to me that that was a fetish.
Yeah, I mean, but hey, whatever, you know, rocks your socks, whatever floats your boat.
I mean, I just, that's you know, that, but that, that's what Love Simon should be.
Yeah, Love Simon should have ended with a guy, a fat guy, getting grabbed and have someone screwed because that's more interesting.
That's more interesting.
That's what you were doing on the show.
Shouldn't we be fascinated or interested in something?
Does everything have to give you that?
This is my problem with things.
It's like everything has to give you that warm, fuzzy feeling that everything's going to be okay.
Nothing is going to be okay.
Right.
Nothing.
So knowing that is beautiful.
Knowing that we're all dying, we're decaying.
We're in these fucking, everything's horrible.
Knowing that is great.
Let's make some shit that fills you with the feeling of dread.
Yeah.
And not the feeling of hope.
Let's go the other way.
And if you made Love Simon with me and you had a scene where a guy was just grabbing my stomach and mashing my fat together and screaming at the top of his lungs, credits.
But God only knows what happened to him.
I used to say all the time, I think a lot of the guys I hooked up with were molested at a young age because my body type, you have to get introduced to young.
I used to do that joke.
Didn't really work.
Sometimes people loved it.
Trump Hatton liked it.
He's like, never stop doing it.
I think, you know, there's something to that.
There's a connection.
There's something to that.
If you learn sexuality with a certain context, when you're having sex again, you want to reinstill that context a lot of the time.
Right.
And usually people learn about sex in a fucked up way.
I just, with this episode, it's like, God only knows where they put these ads.
God only knows.
God only knows where they put these advertisements.
Well, dude, when you're talking about dudes not being able to get hard, Blue Chew, right?
Blue Chew's huge right there.
Get the Blue Chew, folks.
Stop it.
Stop with the soft dick.
Nobody likes it.
Nobody likes it.
You're a fucking pedo or a weirdo.
Hard dick.
It's hard to do anything with a soft dick.
It really is.
It really is.
Grocery shopping, anything.
You can't do much with it.
And every now and then, you can't do much with a hard dick.
You know what I mean?
It's like I've been there.
Sometimes you just.
Kevin, tell people where to find you.
You're a really funny comedian.
You've got a lot of shit going on.
You're one of the guys I'm going to be hopefully seeing a lot more of when I'm out here.
I'm moving here June.
I'll be here full.
Dude, I'm so excited.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
It's fun.
Are you moving in with Oscar or is he not?
Yeah, I'm in West Hollywood.
I'm right around the block from the improv.
And, you know, so hopefully they'll book me once every four months.
You know what I mean?
Dude, that's how it goes.
And I could go into the lab and make a bunch of influencers laugh.
Dude, three years ago, the talent booker at the Hollywood Improv told me they love my stuff.
They'd love to see a guy like me more on their stages, and we'd love to get involved.
And I didn't get booked for two and a half years.
And I'm just like, well, you know what's fascinating to me?
I'm like, why?
Remember that guy who killed himself by the comedy story?
He jumped off that hotel.
I'm like, why are people not doing that four times a week?
Like all the people that I know, I'm like, why are you not blowing your brains out in the lobby of these comedy clubs?
Hey, it would be justified.
It would make sense.
I mean, the amount of no's these fuckers here, they are resilient as fuck.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I'm like, nobody is going to have some fun.
Yeah.
You can find me at Kevin Tanken on Twitter and Instagram, T-I-E-N-K-E-N.
I also do a weekly podcast with my buddy Evan called Ripping and Skipping, which is completely different than this podcast.
It's mostly impressions and voices.
I've spared Tim from having to do my podcast.
It's absolute insanity.
If you want to get in the vortex, I'll do it.
I think you would have fun.
I'll have you on.
Yeah.
And this was a good episode because I addressed all the haters out there who are saying I'm a heterosexual.
That's not true.
You've never eaten the ass of a nice college boy while your grandmother puts away baked beans.
Yeah.
You can talk shit about Love Simon.
You realize that it's an ass.
You go, this is an ass.
It's still an ass.
Like, as fun or as exciting or as subversive as you think you're being, it's still a fucking shit shoot.
It's like swallowing cum.
You go, it always seems like it would be a great thing to do.
And then when you do it, you're like, this didn't.
This didn't have to happen.
You know?
Like, you just, you go, all right, this is this is.
You know, this is definitely in the movies.
It is.
I want to go see Avengers.
I got to see Avengers Endgame.
Dude, I just watched it with my wife and kids.
It's very good.
It's three plus hours long.
It is very long.
The Hot Cousin Taboo00:07:30
Well, let me tell you.
Let me tell you.
What else do people in this country have to do?
Dude, let me tell you right now.
Nothing.
It might as well be 18 hours long.
These fuckers have nothing to do.
A lot of them.
Yeah.
Make it seven hours.
They should start making movies seven hours and see if people go to them because guess what?
They will.
Absolutely.
They will absolutely.
What do you do with your Saturday?
I'm seeing the new Avengers movie.
It starts at 10 a.m.
It lets out at 9 p.m.
You know?
It's great.
Yeah.
Lots of twists.
You know, they don't give a fuck.
Now, do people take the phones out during three hours?
Can people hand three hours without the phone?
You know what?
I didn't see anybody pulling their phone out.
I pulled my phone out because Ben was calling me about this.
Are you a Game of Thrones guy?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Are you happy with the season where it's at?
Did you watch the most recent episode?
I'm up to date.
Dude, I'm digging it.
I'm digging it.
We'll see what happens.
You want to be on the Iron Throne at the end?
I mean, I kind of want John to be on the throne, you know, at the end.
I mean, that's because that's been.
Knowing me.
Yeah.
Who do I want?
Fuck.
God damn it.
I can't remember the guy's name.
It's not a guy.
Oh, it's not?
It's not a guy.
You want Cersei on the Iron Throne.
Damn fucking right.
Why does Cersei get no support other than the fact?
Literally.
Why does Cersei get no support other than the fact that she's a woman?
I mean, she's fucking her brother.
She's fucking hot as fuck.
If that was my brother, I would have sex with my brother.
If I had an attractive cousin that would fuck me that I liked, I would fuck my cousin.
I would.
First cousin.
I would fuck my brother if I was.
I fucked up with my first cousin.
You could cut off all of his limbs and I'd still fuck him.
I would fuck my first cousin if I was attracted to a hot cousin.
If I had a hot cousin that said, do you want to fucking be like, absolutely.
Yeah.
I would not feel weird about that at all.
Well, you don't have to worry about having a retarded kid or anything.
You're good.
If I had a hot cousin, I'd adopt a kid with my cousin.
Literally, I would.
I don't care.
I literally don't care.
Why not?
I understand people's weirdness about having sex with their family.
Yeah.
You know what?
They're closed-minded.
They're closed-minded.
Literally.
No, I'm not.
People think I'm kind of being serious.
I'm kind of being serious.
Yeah.
Like, well, think about it.
Think about this.
It looks like a good piece of it.
You have a hot cousin.
Hot.
Yeah.
Cousin.
Oh, yeah.
You guys know each other well.
You like each other.
Lots to talk about.
Got a lot of.
Fuck that.
You got a lot of talking about that.
You got a hot cousin that wants to fuck.
You don't fuck your cousin?
I mean, I get it.
I get it.
I mean, I don't fuck anybody A rule.
You're married.
But a hot cousin in general, I mean, second cousin, I wouldn't even think about second cousin, I'd hit on.
Like, second cousin, I would send dick pics to at a holiday.
How close?
How close are you wanting to get?
I mean, what if your dad's really hot and he wants to fuck?
I mean, it's not the situation.
But if I had a hot dad, would I fuck my hot dad?
Two consenting adults.
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
If I had a hot dad, like a real daddy, like a guy who made a lot of money, salt and pepper beard, and he had a lot of money, and he just took his big dick out all the time.
Yeah.
Picks you up in his caddy, pulls his dick out.
Would I suck my, if my dad was really hot and really rich, would I suck him off?
Probably.
I mean, if it's.
Listen, I'm one of these people that I believe that life is really, you gotta, it's up, it's up for the taking.
You gotta go and get it.
Live life to the fullest.
You gotta go and get life.
Strike while the air.
Five life and get it.
Grab life by the dick.
You gotta go and get it.
So now there's a lot of homophobic people that will hear this podcast and attack me for saying that if I had a hot dad, I would fuck my dad.
You should fuck your dad.
There are homophobic people out there that don't understand sexuality and they don't understand anything.
So their heteronormative ways of looking at the world would be like, oh, no, of course you don't fuck your first cousin.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
Yeah, you do.
Dude, what I love is thinking of the podcast listener that found your podcast from one of your more serious episodes.
Like when you had the CIA guy.
Yeah, sure.
I mean, I'm dead serious about fucking my hot cousin.
If I had a hot cousin, I'm not even lying.
If I had a hot cousin that wanted to bone, I would be like, let's do it.
I feel like you do, and you're trying to send out a message.
No, they're not.
They're not.
They really look like shit, to be honest.
They really do.
What if they dropped your house?
Some of them were decent early on.
A lot of them, they're in relationships now, and a lot of them have let it go.
They've let themselves go.
I mean, but you're having a few drinks, maybe a couple eggnogs at a Christmas party.
I'm not a hot cousin unless they're hot.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm not going to fuck, I'm not going to fuck a six or a seven.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
I did.
I got a hot cousin.
And, oh, yeah.
I mean, I, but, and, you know, you're growing up, you just, what's around?
You know, you're, I look around and she's, she's gorgeous.
Yeah.
And, uh, and, and I just, I, yeah, you know, it was a real, it was a real struggle for me growing up, you know, to not put the vibes out.
Yeah.
And you would, would you ever fantasize about your cousin?
I don't know if I'd go so far as fantasizing.
The most weird sexual shit that happened family-wise was I was probably people are getting so hot right now.
Oh, yeah.
Keep going.
It was me and my cousin.
It was a dude.
And we were at.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And we were playing Army.
Oh, yeah.
He was like 13.
I was 10.
No, You were both 18.
It was sensible.
Hold on.
No, I remember we were playing Army.
And then we were at my grandma's house.
Grandma's a hotbed.
And I remember him being like, well, we're going to go on leave.
You know, we're going to war.
So we got, you know, one night.
So let's grab our girls and go up to the bedroom.
So we literally, I remember going up to like this bedroom that had two twin beds.
Yeah.
Separated by like a wall.
And he's like, all right, you take your girl over there.
I'll take my girl over here.
And then I just sat in the bed.
I don't know what he was doing in the other bed.
But that was, that was, it was a, it was very interesting.
Pretty intense.
I'm just telling everybody right now that if I had a hot first cousin that wanted to fuck, I would fuck them all the time.