Kyle Ruse joins the show to discuss his dual career as a tattoo artist and comedian, revealing how childhood trauma from sexual abuse by his sister and emotional neglect by his racist father fueled his dark humor. He details his failed suicide attempt involving a termite-eaten branch, his anonymous testimony against his sister, and his frustration with modern "safe space" comedy rules that stifle raw storytelling. Ruse critiques Hollywood's predatory agent culture, defends his preference for tattooing over low-paying gigs, and promotes his upcoming pilot "Florida," arguing that people should pursue passions until paid rather than settling for dead-end jobs. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: CohereLabs/cohere-transcribe-03-2026, WAV2VEC2_ASR_BASE_960H, sat-12l-sm, script v26.04.01, and large-v3-turbo
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Born Bayfront Tattoo Artist00:14:29
What's up?
Today we have special guest Kyle Ruse.
Hey, what is up, dude?
Nothing hanging out.
Hey, hey, drinking the liquor you guys got.
That was very nice of you.
You are the first comic, legit comic that we've had on this show.
I don't know about legit.
I do comedy, but you're definitely legit, dude.
I listened to your whole album today on Spotify, and that was fucking hilarious.
Should have done Amazon.
I get more money for that one.
Oh, man.
You really have it on Amazon?
Yeah, it's on all those things, man.
I didn't do it like I'm not tech smart.
There's a shitty website that, like, you pay and it.
Disperses them to all those.
So yeah, it's on.
Uh, like that, I tunes all the major, it's not hard to find.
And you're, you're a, a local and you're uh, born and raised in this area of Florida.
Right yeah, I was born at Bayfront.
I'll probably die there.
Born at Bayfront, you're probably dying.
Probably like that would be poetic.
That's how that's the way I see it.
Spread my ashes at St Pete Beach and you've been doing tattoos, that's.
That's basically.
What you do now is just basically tattoos.
Stand-up, comedy and what else you do, how you make money I do that too and drugs No, dude, I've been doing stand up for like a decade.
I've been tattooing for like a decade.
It's like pretty much all I do anymore.
Like, it's pretty rad.
Like, I'm glad that I don't weld anymore.
That you don't weld?
Yeah, that sucks.
It's not, it's Florida.
It's hot.
I'm fat.
It's not a good thing to do.
It's like 104 degrees, like hanging out with like your future.
I'm glad I got out of that because every day that I was like the welding shop, just looking at like old drunk pieces of shit, I was like, that's going to be me.
What's the face tat?
It's an umbrella.
Okay.
It's stupid.
Part of working in a tattoo shop is sometimes you're like, oh, this would be cool.
You know what I mean?
And then it happens.
Like, you don't get a chance to think it through.
Yeah.
So, I tattooed like four.
I was working at Tyrone Mall, and I tattooed like four ghetto ass white kids that week and did like teardrops on all of them.
Were they 19 years old?
They were like maybe like 18 tops.
You know what I mean?
Like the chin strap, beard, like wife beater, like one hand tattoo, like peephole, yeah.
And all these kids got like teardrops.
I was like, fuck this.
I'm going to get an umbrella.
Yeah.
And then it just happened.
And then now I have a face tattoo.
Hell yeah.
Is that to shield the rest of your face from all the teardrops that fall?
It depends how drunk I am when you ask me.
Like sometimes I'm like, I killed so many people, I got an umbrella.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Sometimes, like, if I'm, like, talking to a chick, well, before I was married, like, I cry a lot.
I'm sensitive.
Oh, my God.
It's the cutest thing.
Is that when you're at Atomic Tattoo there in Tyrell Mall?
Fuck, no.
I quit there years ago.
I did.
When you got the umbrella tattoo?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's when I got that.
Do you remember?
You probably don't remember.
Do you remember this tattoo by any chance, though?
Hell yeah.
That's my mom.
We came to the mall that day with my mom and her cousin.
Man, I got you.
And you tattooed that on my mom's shoulder.
She got a Steelers tattoo.
Carving them up.
Yeah.
And I remember you gave her the card.
I think it said Fat Kyle on the card.
And I told her today, I'm like, I'm doing the podcast with the guy that tattooed your Steelers tattoo.
She's like, I fucking love it.
I lost a little weight since then.
Yeah.
It's so funny.
People will be like, Oh, you tattooed me.
I don't even know who they are.
Yeah, like somebody will stop me in the grocery store.
What's up, man?
Like, you tattooed me.
I'm like, I don't know who you are.
And then, like, show me their tattoos.
Like, oh, what's up, Jim?
How's the kids?
It clicks.
I will not even remember somebody and they'll like show me some shit.
Like, I've apologized to people that, like, I tattooed my first year.
Like, I was like, Oh, fuck.
Like, my bad.
Hell yeah.
My mom, she's like, I told her we're coming to do the podcast.
She's like, Tell them I'm ready for another one.
Yeah, the fact that, like, I did that on her and she still wants to get tattooed, that's pretty rad.
Yeah, it's cool as hell.
She loves it too, man.
Yeah, that was a weird time, bro.
Working on the mall was so weird.
Yeah, it is weird, right?
We were actually just like there randomly, and Pat and the tattoo shop was there.
And my mom was like, I don't know.
We had been, I think we had Bloody Mary's early in the day and drinking, and she's like, let's get a tattoo.
I probably did too when I was working at a dude.
You ever been kicked out of a Ruby Tuesday?
No, not Ruby Tuesday.
On a Tuesday?
How poetic.
How do you get kicked out of Ruby Tuesdays?
I don't even remember what I did.
Probably it was being loud, treating it like a bar.
You know what I mean?
We would always go to work hungover.
The mall opened at 10.
We would literally go in, drop our backpacks, and go straight to Ruby Tuesday.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, because it was right there in the mall.
There was two hot chicks that worked there at the time too.
Hell yeah.
So like we would go there and get bloodies, but like, yeah, sometimes you forget you're not at a bar, even though you're sitting at a bar.
Right.
You're like just fucking yelling, like cussing and shit.
Like old people are like having brunch running.
Get them out of here.
Get them out.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, they got the salad bar.
They're like, we can't have this here.
Yeah.
You're like three drinks deep on like a Wednesday at like 1130.
And you're like, you're the problem, not me.
Yeah.
That's the joy of alcohol.
It'll really, you'll feel right even when you're so wrong.
So wrong.
Yeah.
So are stupid tattoos your favorite tattoos?
Just dumb, meaningless tattoos.
I think if I was to get a tattoo, that's definitely what I would do.
Yeah, man.
Get a memorial tab for your dead kids.
Boring, man.
Get something cool.
Get an eagle.
Go home.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, yeah, if you want to get a meaningful tattoo, yeah, cool.
If you want to think it out, I'm not going to do that shit for you.
That's not my job.
You know what I mean?
I don't care what fucking, dude, I should be a goddamn florist right now.
I know every flower from the years of tattooing.
I have a face tat.
I look like a date rapist.
And I've literally yelled the words, that's a stargazer, Lily, not a tiger, Lily.
My job isn't to do.
To think your shit out.
You know what I mean?
Right.
The same person that comes with some bullshit Pinterest tattoo, I treat them the same as somebody that comes in to get something rad that I want to do.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's not, it's so different.
There's so many different styles of everything, too.
Like, I definitely prefer doing, like, fun, like, jokey tattoos.
Like, like, punny shit.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's what I would like to do.
Right.
But, like, I really don't care what it is as long as you get to do it in the style I want to do.
It's like, you know, anything else.
Like, if somebody paints fucking oil landscapes, you know what I mean?
You're not going to be like, hey, paint my kid.
You know?
Like, it's not what I do.
I paint boats, motherfucker.
Yeah.
Like, it's, Honestly, I really don't care anymore as long as people are paying like that's all I care.
It don't matter, right?
Yeah, it's your job treat everybody with respect, dude.
Like it's there's like not really any customer service in what we do, but like it's You slap a fucking smile on your face just like if you work at a wing house.
You know what I mean like whatever the hell you do right you're serving them whatever they order.
I can't wait to tattoo this arrow on you that I did right.
Yeah, you can't wait Stephanie.
You know what I mean?
This is the greatest idea ever, My favorite.
Some people come in, they're like I want something original and they show you a picture from Pinterest of a tattoo that's already on somebody else right, right.
And then they look at you and they look at like through your book of that, you don't.
I don't like any of this.
This is stupid.
Yeah, there's.
No, there's nothing original left, is there?
Nah, I mean there is, but no one's cool enough to get that kind of stuff.
You know what I mean?
I was trying to talk some kid into getting good and evil vaginas in his armpits not too long ago.
Whoa, I was like that'd be rad dude, he's so sick.
This kid was like he's like I want to do like like devils on one arm and like angels on the other.
I was like we should do like a really nice pussy in one armpit and then like think pomegranate with maggots for the other one.
I was like that would be a good day.
Holy, he did not think that was a good idea.
He didn't get it.
Nah, not at all.
I think the funniest, dumbest thing I've ever done, it wasn't even my idea.
Still working at the mall for some reason.
And this lady came in with a raspy-ass voice, those tight pants with the fucking bedazzled crosses on the ass.
This lady was probably mid-50s or a real 8-up mid-40s, right?
Yeah, like she was probably like, I would like to see her 20 year old counterpart.
You know what I mean?
She went to the tour that was on the back of her shirt.
Yeah, yeah.
This lady looks like she would finger you.
Like, she was scary as fuck.
And she comes in and she's like, I want to get a monster truck in my lower back.
I don't even, I'm like, fuck yeah, dude.
I was like, Grave Digger, what's up?
Let's do it.
You're Grave Digger.
And I tattooed a monster truck on her lower back with a banner that said Mud Slangin'.
And I was like, you don't drive a truck, do you?
She goes, nah, I'm a straight freak.
And I was like, oh my God, I'm doing like an ale sex reference on this old rod right now.
As if it couldn't get any better.
Her like 30 year old son hung out the whole time.
You know, like kids are very different than their parents sometimes.
This was like, I don't know how this straight laced, like fucking camp counselor looking fucking dude came out of this lady.
Like, this dude was literally sitting there in like a canary yellow polo, just like, damn it, mom.
I was like, yeah, let's ditch the kid.
Yeah, give her the mud slanger.
Yeah, let's ditch the kid.
Let's go to Ruby Tuesdays, bitch.
She was ready too, probably.
Oh, my God.
This lady.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, this lady smelt like Zima.
It was fucking.
She was the best.
Her name is Cheryl.
I still tattoo her.
That's like, yeah, she's fucking rad as fuck, dude.
Like, uh, she moved to Homosassa because that's what you do when you look like that, yeah.
And I was doing comedy up there at this biker bar called High Octane Saloon, and like, she's like friends with me on Facebook and like, didn't even think about it.
And I was like, I'm gonna be here, whatever.
Uh, I get off stage, and this lady is like at the side of the stage, like, you did this tattoo, and I'm like, Cheryl, what's up, lady?
How are the kids?
Oh my god, right?
Yeah, it's a weird thing, man.
Like, there's people that have met tattooing that, like, that are just customers.
But there's people that, like I even forget that I met them at work, that are just homies.
Now yeah, not the industry.
A lot of people think it is like it's, it's fun and that's the shitty part is like people are like oh, you love your job, so it's not really work.
Like it's still work, still work.
Yeah, I don't always love it.
Like planting blood is not fun, you know what I mean.
Like you don't know who the you guys live around here.
You know how gross these people are.
Yeah, like i've been doing p park for five years man like right, i'm immune to anything right yeah, you definitely aren't uh, catching the coronavirus, that's for sure.
I've literally turned down chicks and be like hey like, give it a week when that Right there, it clears up, come back.
You know what I mean?
Like, now's not the time.
Damn.
So, there's been people that have walked in that have been so gnarly that you've been like, I don't know if I can touch you.
Dude, yeah.
Like, stinky people.
Like, that's like, that shouldn't be a thing that I should have to tell people.
Like, you brush your teeth before you go to the fucking doctor or the dentist.
You know what I mean?
Like, shower before you come into the shop, right?
Like, if you leave in construction sites, like, hey, man, you want to fix this barbed wire?
Fuck you.
Go home and shower, bro.
Like, I don't.
Oh, come back.
Yeah.
Every dude that's ever come in in a lime green shirt, like, cut trees, shower, then come in.
You know, like, so bad, dude.
Like, People like that, like people that are like visibly like hammered.
Like, I don't deal with that shit.
Like, pill heads, dude.
Like, I've had people come in that are like sober as a fucking bird when you get there and they're like, I don't want to get this.
And then, like, you're drawing shit up and, like, they're like, oh man, like they were like doing pills or something in the bathroom.
And then you're like half an hour into the tattoo and they're just zombies.
They're falling asleep.
Like, nodding out.
It's awful, man.
So, does your tattoo career kind of fuel your comedy career in a way?
Or how did you get started in comedy?
What made you want to start doing that?
I don't know.
I was, uh, I always liked stand up, dude.
Like, I was watching my parents really into it.
Like, I used to come home from school and like watch my dad's like Dean Martin roast tapes.
You know what I mean?
Like Don Rickles and shit.
Like I was so into that.
Like I was watching stand up like when I was like six, seven years old, dude.
Fifth grade talent show.
I roasted my teachers.
Hell yeah.
Destroyed them, dude.
Oh man.
I wish we had that video.
Dude, my mom, a very nice lady, has literally on Four Cores Lights been like, I'll suck somebody's dick for that tape if somebody got it.
I'm like, what?
Oh man.
She's a good lady.
Did you go through some childhood trauma?
Fuck yeah, I did, bro.
Like that's what makes the best comic.
Like when I meet comics, like, and I'm like, I don't even care about your acting.
I'm like, what happened to you when you were a kid?
They're like, nothing.
I had a great childhood.
I'm like, you're not funny.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you didn't get diddled, do drugs, like, if your uncle didn't fuck you, like, you're usually not funny.
Like, wow.
Like, that's just how it is.
Like, that, like, comedy comes from tragedy.
Like, that's real.
Like, the whole reason that I even got funny was a defense mechanism to not be stuck in my head thinking about what happened.
Yeah.
That's what a lot of people do.
Like, people that get made fun of, like, I got bullied so much, which is why I can, like, destroy people on roast now because, like, it's a wet dream to make fun of people and give it back to them.
Yeah.
Like, a lot of people that are funny, like, the funnier the people you know are, the more fucked up they usually are.
And, like, I just, I, most people, like, I don't really believe that.
Like, cause comedy's changed.
You know what I mean?
But, like, I feel like the funniest people, like, Have some awful shit in their past.
Yeah.
Whether they talk about it or not, like, I went through some, like, pretty awful shit as a kid.
Like, I got, uh, I got molested by my sister.
That's a, what?
Yeah.
It's a, I don't know.
I have a smile on my face.
It's a weird thing to talk about.
Yeah.
It always creeps people out because they're like, how old were you?
Dude, from the sex abuse was from like five to nine.
And, like, she physically abused me from like five to like 12.
Like, it was so bad.
Like, imagine going to school, like, covered in bruises, right?
And, like, your teacher's like, is your dad doing shit to you?
And you're like, No, and like you want to tell somebody, but like you're so embarrassed.
You don't want to tell your sister.
Yo, a chick beats the fuck out of me.
Like it was like it was such a weird thing.
So it was even weirder to like there was like this constant like, oh my god, his dad probably hits him.
I fell off my bike.
You know what I mean?
Like it was so bad.
Like my sister is bipolar, paranoid, schizophrenic.
She tried to smother me with a pillow when I was an infant.
I don't remember that.
Very jealous person.
So she was like in a home and shit.
They kind of had it like under control.
And like it wasn't like it wasn't like raped, you know what I mean?
But like it was like a it was wrong, but like when you don't know what's going on then, you know what I mean?
It was like a yeah, it's like doctor, it's like for sure made to be like a game.
But she was also eight years older than me, so she was like 12 ish when all this started, you know what I mean?
So I don't even know what's going on, right?
I didn't even know what sex was like.
That was the shittier part is like coming to a realization in like your like early like teens of like, oh fuck, what happened was like that was not right, you know what I mean?
Yeah, and then like, did you ever ask her?
No, dude.
I didn't because, like, I didn't like she left before I'd really realized what was going on.
So, like, so, like, sexual abuse that, like, I didn't really know was even abuse at the time.
I just thought this was just a thing, right?
And then it turned violent, of like, don't fucking tell anybody.
You know what I mean?
Like, dude, like, my parents would have her babysit me, dude.
Like, they would leave, and like, the minute the door shut, dude, she would beat the fuck out of me, dude.
Like, she was a big girl, dude.
Like, I know, like, I'm a fat dude.
My sister was a big fat fuck.
That's why I hate fat chicks.
Anonymous Sexual Abuse Story00:10:06
People are always like, oh, you're just a.
You're just a fucking piece of shit and like you just judge girls.
No, I hate fat girls because one beat me as a child, right?
Like that's why.
But no, dude, like I used to go to bed at night and like literally like push a foot locker in front of my door because like you'd like go say goodnight to your parents.
You know what I mean?
Like, great mom, night, dad.
And like I would walk past her room to go to my room and she'd be like, I'm going to slit your fucking throat in your sleep.
You know what I mean?
I'm like six.
You know what I mean?
I was like every night.
Like I still have night terrors like to this day.
Like, and you do what a lot of people do.
Like you suppress things.
You know what I mean?
At the time I was terrified, but I couldn't tell anybody.
Because it was just like any other abuse where, like, you know, if you fucking tell anybody, I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill them.
You know, like, they're never going to believe you.
Like, it's hard.
Like, and that was the hardest thing, too, to have that, like, held over your head, like, that young.
And, like, it fucking ruined every ounce of trust I ever had.
Because it was a family member.
I couldn't trust her.
I couldn't, like, I feel like my parents, like, you know, the whole, like, screaming and, like, no one's listening type feeling.
Like, I tried to drop so many hints of what was going on.
And, like, it just didn't ever register.
And, like, I didn't tell anybody.
Like, I held that shit in until I was, like, 21.
I didn't talk to anybody about it.
And it fucked up a lot of parts of my life.
Who was the first person you told about it?
Oh, my cunt of a kid's mom.
That backfired.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I actually told her about it, right?
Thinking like I'm doing the right thing and like told her, and then like a year later, when we split up, she like tried to use that against me and be like, Well, he got molested as a kid, so he probably molests our kid.
Like, it was fucked up.
That's Jesus Christ.
Told her, uh, my mom was the second person I told.
That still just like breaks my heart.
Like, because how did your mom react?
Uh, not well, uh, like because it wasn't just like, Hey, I got molested, you know what I mean?
Like, it was especially because you're older now, yeah.
This was like, I'm like gonna be 34, so it's been like, you know, over a decade since like I started talking about it, you know what I mean?
Yeah, uh.
When I told her, it wasn't like a hey, I want to tell you something.
We were arguing about something.
I don't even remember what the fuck it was.
We were arguing about something.
She's like, I don't know what you hold against me, or you know what I mean?
I don't know what it is.
And I'm like, you want to fucking know what's wrong with me?
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah.
Like, this shit happened and you weren't like, and just fucking lost it.
You know what I mean?
And it was a really shitty thing.
It's like, you don't take into consideration how she probably felt because it was, of course, it was like, if I would have known, I would have done something.
Like, of course she would have, but it wouldn't have changed what already happened.
Right.
It was a really, really weird thing.
I have to warn her now.
It's like I do stand up jokes about it now.
Yeah, I started doing a joke not too long ago about the worst part about getting molested by your sister is now every time I open you porn, it's like brother, sister.
Oh my gosh.
I'm just trying to rub one out in the worst genre of porn ever.
You know what I mean?
What a buzzkill.
Yeah, right?
I'm just fucking alone trying to rub one out while my wife's taking a nap.
And then I got a childhood trauma just to get to the section of shit that I do like.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Now, so you still have never confronted your sister about it to this day?
Dude, she's in prison, dude.
Oh, yeah.
How'd she end up there?
Uh, selling oxys, bro.
We're a very Florida family.
Okay.
That's a very Florida way to go to prison.
Yeah, dude.
She's been like in and out of jail for a while.
She would date like old, like veteran dudes.
You know what I mean?
Uh, and she's not hot.
So you can only imagine like what these dudes look like.
You know what I mean?
So she got their VA prescription card.
Yeah.
And they would like sell their pills and shit.
Uh, and like she got busted selling to like an undercover cop.
You know what I mean?
It was, it was right, uh, when all the pill mill shit, like when they're really coming down, everybody, like, yeah.
Like, uh, it's probably.
Oh, five, oh, six.
You know what I mean?
That's when that shit was like at the top.
And like, she got busted with all that shit.
They were making examples of anybody because Florida was the fucking laughing stock of the fucking oxy epidemic.
You know what I mean?
In the whole country in general.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boy, do we show them Massachusetts now, right?
Yeah.
Full heroin.
I don't know if you've ever been to Connecticut.
That place smells like heroin.
It's awful.
But yeah, like, she got busted with all that shit.
But apparently, she had like another thing out to where she like exposed herself and did some other shit to some other kids that she was like babysitting that we didn't know or whatever.
And it was so weird the way the timing worked out to where like I had just like told my mom and like came out and like finally like got it all.
You know what I mean?
I had my own fucking I I me too'd before me too was cool.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah, and like it was right around the time that like I had just started talking about it and like got it out.
You know what I mean?
That she was going through all of her legal shit for for that.
And I got like a random call like out of nowhere and like they were like, is this Mr. Roos?
I'm like, I thought like this is not cool.
Like no one ever asks for Mr. Roos.
You know what I mean?
And they were like, usually the police.
Yeah, it was an attorney that was trying her case, and they were looking for character witnesses.
Oh.
So I actually did an anonymous depot.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, deposition.
Yeah, I did an anonymous depot over the phone as a character witness to what a piece of shit she was.
Wow.
So I think that's the one thing that helped me a lot to get it off your chest.
And she knows you're putting it out there, right?
No, she has no idea it was made.
Oh, because it's anonymous.
Well, luckily, she's in prison.
I don't think she's a fan of your podcast.
I don't know.
We got a lot of people from prison that are on this podcast.
But yeah, like I did a just to basically just like told them like, you know, like what I knew, like how manipulative and fucking gnarly she was and shit.
And like straight up was like, no, she deserves like whatever you're going to give her.
She didn't get any charges for any sex crimes, but like it was just, uh, she'd been ROR'd like a few times and like went on the lamb and like ran and shit.
But like that was like the biggest thing that like helped me was like being like, yeah, fucking, you know, like I not only like got it out, but like told somebody that like mattered.
You know what I mean?
And like, right, right.
And like, kind of like, did that.
And like, that's why, like, I'm a, like, I know it's really hard.
Like, I have a lot of friends and like, men and females that like have gone through like, uh, different like sex abuse things or like people have been raped or whatever.
And like, it's always talking to this.
All right.
Yeah.
It's always the, uh, uh, like, you know, I don't want to go to the cops.
You know what I mean?
Nobody does.
Like, I held that shit for like 20 years.
Yeah.
But like, the best thing you can do is like, the thing that sucks is like the way the fucking system is, like, so many women like report things.
Dude, imagine like, women talk about like how hard it is for like women to report things.
Imagine being a Fucking dude, like I literally have told people, and they've been like, Yeah, right, like, guys, you're running a bit on me, yeah, you're trying to be a material on me, right?
And they don't realize, like, the toll that takes on you, like, what childhood sexual abuse does to you.
Like, it either shuts people completely off to where, like, you never want anybody to touch you ever again, or it makes you, like, really awkward, like, sexually, or it turns people into fucking deviants, you know what I mean?
Like, legit addicts, you know what I mean?
Luckily for me, uh, it just made me awkward, you know what I mean?
Like, I've been married two years, like, and I'm still, like, it's okay, you know what I mean?
It's just cool with you.
Like, it's definitely ruined that.
It's ruined relationships.
Like, it was funny, like, being in high school, and all my friends were losing their virginity, and I was, like, terrified.
I was like, I don't want to do this.
Yeah.
They're like, yo, I'm going to prom with Jessica.
You know what I mean?
Like, I want to fuck her in the back of my Mustang.
Hell yeah.
Have fun, guys.
You know, I don't want anything to do with that.
I'm going to move your bike real quick.
All right.
We just got to adjust the camera a little bit just to make sure the camera can see you a little bit better.
All right.
Cool.
You're good.
Yeah.
It's a weird thing that not a lot of people go through.
And it's even a weirder thing that not a lot of people talk about it, especially dudes.
Like, uh, I feel like men are way more like apt to hold that shit in.
You know what I mean?
Yeah definitely, because you don't want to admit.
Yeah, it's hard like say a girl took advantage of you or did something fucked up to you.
You know dude, just say tomorrow night, all right.
Say uh, they lift the bar band right and you go out tomorrow night and some chick just whips your ass at a bar right, are you gonna tell anybody?
Hell no, you're not gonna tell anybody, you know?
And like uh, like that's the weirdest part like about all this is like that like uh, I think the part that like fucked me up the most with all of it was that like just admitting it And being like, yeah, this happened.
Cause like, you, you don't see it as abuse when you're that little.
Right.
Cause you don't understand it at that point.
Like, I literally didn't know what sex or anything like that was.
And like, having that as like the firsthand experience of something.
And then like, having the like realization later of like, oh shit, this is wrong.
Damn.
Yeah.
Some fucked up shit happened.
Yeah.
And then that happens.
And then just the suppression starts.
Yeah.
And you just put it back and put it back.
And like, I went for like a good, like, all through high school, like, I pretty much like didn't think about it.
It was like in the back of my head.
And then like, it would start coming up and like, uh, As weed got better, like you know, like the back, uh, in uh, shrooms, I had a really bad trip, like junior high school, and uh, that was when it was like, Yep, this happened, dude, you know what I mean?
Like, uh, it just came back, dude, yeah, literally, uh, like a mile from here, Walsingham Park, dude, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, we hopped the fence, we're walking around Walsingham Park, dude, and I was like by the lake, just like tripping balls, dude, and like, like, literally, uh, like came back in like flashbacks, almost like freeze frames, you know what I mean, and it's like.
You started thinking about, like, oh yeah, that was weird.
You know what I mean?
Why did I hang out in that closet so much?
And then you're like, why are my sister's titties in this memory?
You know what I mean?
Then you're like, ah, fuck.
Like, yeah, I forgot that happened.
Been burying it for like fucking 10 years, you know?
Like, it was so weird because, like, I definitely went through a period in my late teens, early 20s where, like, I was totally drinking and doing drugs to suppress things.
And, like, I think that's a big accomplishment to go from doing drugs to suppress things to just doing drugs because you want to.
Like, that's a big thing, you know what I mean?
Yeah, for sure.
Like, it's definitely better to do drugs when you feel good versus when you feel bad.
Yeah, like, self-medicating is not cool at all.
And it sucks, man.
Like, I still drink and party and stuff, but, like, it's when I want to, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I, uh, Like, I might have my kid half the time, and like, I don't drink or do anything like the days that she's with me, and then like she goes home and then like go out and stuff.
And then, but that's just it's control.
Like, some people I watch people like throw their lives away on Natty Light, and I don't know how they do it.
Like, I have a drink a lot of Natty Light to throw your life away, dude.
18 a day, this dude does, bro.
I have a buddy that literally like crushes me.
Sounds like my uncle, yeah.
This might be your uncle, I don't know.
Dealing With My Dad00:14:03
Yeah, the armadillo killer, yeah.
Oh, that sounds rad.
Oh, yeah, yeah, my uncle Dan.
I don't want to ruin this.
How do you kill an armadillo?
He has a driveway with his hands.
First of all, he lives in Sebastian, Florida.
Where the fuck is that?
That already gives him one.
Oh, that's the dude we stayed with.
Yeah, that's his first hall pass.
So he has a driveway with the gutter that goes underneath the driveway.
So you can go in one end and go out the other end.
And he basically chases the armadillos into one end.
Then he goes and waits for them for when they come out.
And he's there with a pitchfork and stabs them.
But he doesn't even eat them or anything.
He just fucking flicks them into the fucking woods just off the pitchfork.
He doesn't make boots or anything with them.
He just kills them.
He doesn't do anything with them.
Man, what a piece of shit.
But you can't not.
You can't eat armadillo.
They have like, what do they have?
They have so many diseases.
No, they have a lot of really bad diseases.
You can eat anything.
Yeah, you can eat anything, but you'll definitely die quick.
The next COVID is going to come from your uncle fucking grilling an armadillo.
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, God.
Yeah, man.
Florida's a fucking great place.
I love Florida.
I do too, man.
Like, I love it and I hate it.
Like, I have a very, like, it's so weird for me, like, being on the road for so long.
People are like, oh, you're from Florida?
I'm like, yeah, this is what we look like.
You know what I mean?
Like, but this is the only place that you can live.
And like be in your hometown and be like, Where are you from?
And you're like, Here.
And they're like, No way.
You know what I mean?
Like, that doesn't happen in Boston when you meet some dude.
They're like, Where are you from?
They're like, Oh, from here.
And you're like, Get the fuck out.
You're not from here.
Yeah.
Like, this is the only place that you ever feel weird, like in your own town.
Be like, Are you really from here?
Yeah.
Like, how did that happen?
You know?
Why do you think that is?
Because no one's from here, man.
We're all transplants, dude.
Like, I mean, it's different with us, but like, How many people do you know that aren't in our generation that are from here?
Are your parents from here?
They're from somewhere else.
From upstate New York.
Yeah.
They're, uh, it's, yeah.
My dad's from Indiana.
My mom's from Jersey.
Her dad's from Indiana.
Oh, nice.
Stink lines behind this part of Indiana.
Frankfurt?
Some weird fucking town?
I don't know.
You know where that's at?
No.
This is from Gary and Duggar.
You know where Duggar is?
No.
Man.
Duggar.
You're missing out on that.
The only Duggar thing I know is that weird Christian family with all the fucking kids.
If they were a city, that's what it would be.
Yeah, dude.
Indiana scares the shit.
Just small towns in general scare the shit out of me, dude.
I definitely like to be around a.
A population.
You know what I mean.
It's uh yeah I, I get terrified man like i'm driving to Georgia to tattoo the last two weekends and like just Georgia cops scared the out of me.
Dude, like yeah, I got stopped by a Georgia cop coming back uh, from visiting my my dad was on hospice, uh for like two years a year and a half uh, in like south Georgia and like we weren't cool at all.
That's a whole nother.
You and your dad were never cool.
No man, that dude, where was he, where was your dad during the whole abuse thing?
Oh, he was home.
You know what I mean?
My dad was one of those dudes that like uh, his marriage was so shitty that he worked two jobs To not be home and then he could tell everybody that he's worked really hard for his family.
Oh, God.
He's a fucking asshole, man.
He was such a shitbag, but like, so like, you don't realize shit till later, too, when you like, you know, when you grow up and like, you're like, oh, fuck, that dude only had like a sixth grade education.
You know what I mean?
Like, that dude didn't have it either.
Like, he was the best he could be.
But at the time, you're like, fuck this guy.
You know what I mean?
Like, I want a real dad, you know?
Like, uh, he was a shitbag, man.
Like, he was, uh, he was a fucker, too, man.
Like, he, uh, he wasn't, uh, my dad wasn't physically abusive, uh, which was cool because I didn't have to go through that again.
But my dad was like severely, uh, like emotionally abusive and like, That dude could cut you down like harder than anybody.
Like, it was so shit.
He would like do, like, that was a diabetic and he would like sneak candy and shit, right?
And my mom would like find candy wrappers and like, you'd be like, those aren't mine.
Those are probably fat fucking Kyle's.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, I didn't fucking eat those.
Like, don't fucking lie to your mom.
You know what I mean?
You're like, I didn't eat them.
Like, they're not, like, I don't even like Snickers or whatever the fuck he was eating.
You'd be like, they're yours.
Just admit it, you lying piece of shit.
And it was like, it was like fucking psychological warfare, bro.
Like, he would like pull shit like that because like, like, you would literally like, Like, he would do something, blame it on you, and then, like, fucking ground you for lying to him about it.
Like, it was so fucked, dude.
Like, he would pull shit.
Like, I remember, like, the one time he asked me to, like, clean my room.
He's like, Yeah, you'd fucking clean your room before you get back.
And, like, my room wasn't even that bad.
Like, I'm pretty OCD about my house.
Like, people come over to my place and, like, they just see, like, a dude with, like, face tats and a beard and shit.
And, like, they get to my house, like, Wow, like, you've knickknacked this place is put together.
Yeah, like, but, like, my dad, like, he told me to clean my room the one day.
And, like, I was like, 16.
I used to work at the fucking subway on Oakhurst behind the McDonald's.
Yeah, I worked there and I was like, I go to work.
It was like, I came over from school and I was like, I had to be to work at three.
You know what I mean?
And I was like, I'll do it later.
I leave, go to work, and do like my fucking closing shift at Subway.
I come home, I open my bedroom door, dude, and he like trashed, like Motley Crue trashed my fucking room.
You know what I mean?
He was like, have fun cleaning that up.
You know what I mean?
It was always like, you're too fucking fat.
You're too fucking stupid.
You know what I mean?
Like, never good enough.
Dude, never good enough.
And the fucked up part was like, I would never bring like girls over.
You know what I mean?
Because my dad would be like, yeah, you want to take.
Pictures by my car, you know what I mean?
Like, how do you 16?
Was that a D cup?
Like, total piece of shit.
So, like, that also fed into like the fucking crazy confusion I had about like sex and fucking like, you know, just physical relationships in my head.
Not to mention, you're like coming to terms with the fact that like, yo, my dad might fuck one of these girls in their sleep, you know what I mean?
Like, he was a piece of shit.
My dad coached a softball team at Cross Bayou, damn, and they won a championship.
And everybody was like, oh man, Rick Roos is the shit, you know what I mean?
Like, this guy took these girls to the fucking, and then like.
That summer, like after that, some of them were like, Yeah, that dude was real creepy and like touched my butt and like tried to grab a better tits.
Oh man.
Yeah.
Dang.
You know how fucked up it is to like, like my dad died, like it'll be five, six years like next week.
And like my dad died and like people will be like, Oh man, really sorry about your dad.
You know, he grabbed my tits in like 99?
I was like, Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Oh, it was so shitty, dude.
Sorry about that.
It's so fucked up like dealing with that.
But like, I hated the dude.
He was just the, he was everything I. Fucking hate like, used to fucking good old boy, fucking redneck, like ignorant motherfucker, and I hated that so much.
But like, looking back now, I'm like, well, at least I got like some of the dude's good qualities, like, I can swing a hammer, you know what I mean?
Yeah, like, my brother couldn't build his way out of a fucking kiddie pool, you know what I mean?
Nothing against him, God bless him, but like, God bless him, but like, it took like him fucking dying to like realize, like, it was so like, my uncle was like, you need to go spend time with him, like, I'm not gonna fucking see him, you can die alone, like, fuck him, you know what I mean?
And my uncle's like, my uncle was literally like, you're gonna go up there, you're gonna see him, and you're gonna patch this shit up, or you're gonna end up just fucking like him, and I was like, Good point.
I'll go.
You know what I mean?
And it was a shitty thing because, like, I don't think we had talked for like three or four years before that.
You know what I mean?
And it's like a six-hour drive up to where he was at.
He lived in Plains, Georgia.
I don't know if you know about Plains.
A little snapple fact for you.
Plains is where Jimmy Carter's from.
Wow, Jimmy Carter.
That's where Jimmy Carter is.
Is that where the peanut farm is?
Fuck yeah, it is, bro.
My dad used to work for the peanut store for Bobby Salter.
Yeah.
I've met Jimmy and Rosalind Carter, dude.
Like, Rosalind's head just doesn't stop shaking, bro.
Like, I don't even know how that old cunt's alive, bro.
Like, she is just a fucking, like, I don't know who runs that puppet, but like, she's still alive.
But uh, it's a town with one blinking light that turns red twice on Saturday, once on Sunday for a train.
They've completely uh, uh, preserved it to where it exactly was the way that Jimmy Carter like was when he ran for president and they let a dollar general in there.
That was like the only one they don't let anything come in.
Like, I don't know why the he wanted to move there, but he moved up there and like it would go up.
I think he loved it because he could lie to all those people and they believed all of his.
My dad was like tall, tail, like you know what I mean.
Like, my dad caught a fish that was eight inches long.
Over the years, it was like, you know, no, I was like a nine inch, you know what I mean?
Like two years later, it was like just 12 inch, like one of those fucking people.
Right, yeah.
But I was going up there to visit him and shit, dude.
It was a really fucking super emotional.
I'm going to say something really racist, but it wasn't me that said it just to really set the tone of who my dad was.
This is awful, but I'll tell you.
So I'm like fucking ate up, like driving up there, like holding back tears the whole time, like chain smoking cigarettes in my uncle's truck.
Like, fuck, I need to see this dude.
He's dying, you know what I mean?
My dad never worked.
Clothes at our house, my dad would literally come home and like drop his clothes and walk around our house in his underwear, like straight whitey tighties.
Yeah.
And you'd be like, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'd be like, Put on some pants.
He'd be like, Pay part of my bills and I'll put on some fucking pants, faggot.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yeah, what a great dad.
And I'm like, emotionally torn up.
Like, what am I going to say to him?
Like, when I first, when he first called me to tell me that he was dying, I was like, Yeah, bullshit, Rick, and hung up on him because I was so used to him lying all the time.
You know what I mean?
That I literally hung up on him.
I was like, Nah, he's full of shit.
Fuck you.
My uncle called me back like a day later and was like, Yeah, don't feel bad.
I hung up on him too.
And like, but I actually called the hospital he was at.
And he's like, No, that's for real.
Like, he's done.
And what kind of cancer did he have?
He didn't have cancer, man.
He had a bad heart.
And he had got a pacemaker put in like a year before that.
And total irony of what a piece of shit he was.
He got a pacemaker and they're like, Everything's going to be all right.
He got a defective one.
Oh, man.
But they couldn't do the surgery to replace it.
You know what I mean because his heart was too weak for the surgery They wouldn't do it.
So it's like sorry about you're going on hospice.
You know what I mean?
And it's their fault Yeah, and he was a fucking my dad was a con man too So it was almost like a con man fuck yeah, dude.
My mom's wedding ring was stolen bro My dad worked on RVs dude like literally like mobile homes around here.
Yeah, we're in Florida He would work on RVs dude and just like heist fucking old ladies jewelry while he was in there working and shit and they'd be like you stole my shit You got Alzheimer's you old bitch.
You're accusing me like exactly like you would do to me and flip it on everybody else Wow It's fucking crazy like how he was so all the shit happens.
I'm driving over there with my uncle right like just Emotional wreck of like, what am I gonna say this to you?
I haven't seen him in three years.
Uh, we pull up, my dad's sitting on the porch of his house in Georgia, wearing his underwear, sitting next to an oxygen tank, chain smoking cigarettes.
And uh, there's like a tornado that went through there like a few days before that and like some shit up.
And he's got these like uh, these like couple white kids, like high school kids that are like out like cutting the trees and shit, like uh, like that had fell.
And I walk up like holding back tears, like you know what I mean?
Like, and he just he's laughing, like literally like belly laughing.
My dad had a very distinct.
Like redneck, high pitch, like real, like fucking super hicky laugh.
And he's dying laughing.
I'm like, what the fuck is so funny?
He's like, I got these three white boys working out here for 100 bucks.
I'm like, what's so funny about that?
He's like, I had three black dudes out here that did it for 25 last week.
He's like, who said the South died?
I'm like, you piece of shit.
Like, I fucking hate you.
Like, you were the worst person.
Get back in the car and go to the car.
When that happened, like, I was just like, you mother.
I wanted to punch him.
But, like, 12 years later, like, that was pretty funny.
That was a good joke.
That's like, it's such an awful thing to say.
But, like, he was just an old, ignorant piece of shit.
I'm like, literally, like, he says that.
And I literally look at my uncle, I'm like, you joined me six hours for this.
We're going to make a change.
We're going to get closure.
Uh, and you're gonna change somebody who's hooked up to an oxygen tank smoking a cigarette.
You're gonna, oh, nothing is changing.
Two other funny, awesome dad stories.
The fucking, uh, one, the, uh, the person that handles the oxygen tank that would like switch them out came and they're like, sir, you can't smoke by this.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
He's like, what's gonna happen?
I'm gonna blow it up and fucking die.
He's like, I'm on hospice, you dumb bitch.
He's like, yelling, lady.
And he's like, there's other people around.
He's like, yeah, fuck him.
Tell him to get away from me.
He's like, I'm smoking, get back 12 feet.
You know what I mean?
Oh, my God.
Uh, So my dad was on hospice and he had the hottest hospice nurse.
Oh, yeah.
Oh my God, dude.
Is she Jamaican?
Nah, bro.
Georgia Peach, redhead, green eyes, like out of a fucking rom-com.
You know what I mean?
She was, I don't even know her name.
My dad used to call her Peach because that's how he was.
She was fucking hot, dude.
Like one of the most naturally beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life.
She was a really fucking pretty chick.
She was awesome.
She would come over.
My dad would be a creep.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And like, I would like, I would, she came on Tuesdays and Fridays to like do his meds and shit.
And Friday was bath day.
That, like, you know what I mean?
Dude loved bath day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He would like brag about it like an hour before she got there.
You know what I mean?
Like, he would be like, man, if I could still get it up, man, you know?
Like, thank God you can't.
Somebody just dropped $5 for you to.
Can you rate your dad on a scale of 1 to 10?
Rate him how?
Like, I mean, there's.
Yeah, how would you rate him?
I mean, he obviously pretty much already did.
On what a piece of shit he was, an 11.
How racist he was, like 29.
How good of a father was he?
He got all kinds of scales.
What kind of scales do you want?
I mean, we're just throwing out scales here.
Yeah, I mean, just like what kind of scales come to mind?
And then just like do a rapid fire rating.
How good of a dad he was?
Yeah, how good of a father was he?
1 to 10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the lowest.
Fuck him before.
Fuck him before.
Like, I mean, like looking back, yeah, if you would have asked me this, like senior year of high school, you know what I mean?
Like, I want to put rat poison in his fucking food.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But, like, looking back, like, dude taught me some valuable shit.
Like, dude taught me, like, as much as he was, like, an awful person, like, dude hardened me up.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah.
Like, yeah, he was definitely, like, the, like, pull you in a corner.
Like, don't fucking cry, you piece of shit.
Don't ever let you a soft kid.
Don't ever let anyone see any emotion.
You know what I mean?
Suppress, suppress.
You know what I mean?
Like, do you think you got the effect of that kid whose mom you tattooed where you kind of wanted to be the opposite of him?
Fuck yeah, dude.
Like, so that helps.
100%.
Yeah, but, like, my mom is a saint, dude.
My mom is a goddamn angel, dude.
Hardened By An Awful Father00:02:09
She is the greatest.
My mom's worked with, like, Special needs kids for 20 years.
Like, my mom is a goddamn angel.
Yeah, that takes a special person.
And yeah, if it wasn't for my mom, like, I probably would have ended up just like a jaded piece of shit.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I would be like every dude in P Park with a lifted truck, like fucking Applebee's waitresses right now.
You know what I mean?
I'd be at the watering trough every Friday with a Blue Lives Matter sticker.
You know what I mean?
Voting for Trump.
The whiskey?
The whiskey.
Oh, yeah.
Buddy, I love the whiskey.
Ah, me too.
Yeah, baby.
Oh, my God.
Hey, the whiskey is the shit.
Those are real good.
I can't wait for that to open back up.
The whiskey's the first strip.
Club, my wife's ever been to, dude.
My wife's from a town of like 5,000.
She's not conservative in a political sense.
She's just like, you know, she's kind of small town.
She's never been to a strip club.
I was doing stand up there and I was like, and the whiskey?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, how did I fucking miss that?
Oh, it was, it was mean.
But like, yeah, we're there and she's like, I don't want to go.
This is going to be fun.
I love that fucking place.
We go in and she's like, I thought they'd be hotter.
I'm like, hell no.
Yeah, like, I was like, strippers aren't hot ever.
They're just good enough.
Yeah.
And we're sitting there hanging out.
She has like two drinks.
I go into the office to like talk to my buddy about like the money for the show and I come out and she's literally just making it rain.
She's like, this is so much fun.
She's like, your wife, yeah.
She's like, her government name is Angela.
She just goes by Stardust.
She's like, talking to him.
She's like, she has a little pit bull, like, talking to him all like best friends.
She does hair, dude.
She's like, we should do something about your roots, like handing out cards and shit.
Oh, my god, so funny, dude.
I love that place.
She's like, they're like real people.
I was like, they are real people.
I said that, like, people be like, you fucking sexy, you shit bag.
That's a good fucking bar, dude.
It's uh, it's fun.
Dude, it still smells.
Is that off of 66th or 49th?
No, that's Park Boulevard.
Park Boulevard.
Remember?
Oh, the one by the Dunkin' Donuts.
Right next door to the Dunkin' Donuts.
It used to be Treasure Chest.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Pirate Bar.
It's changed names a lot.
Yeah, before that, it was a curry restaurant.
Stardust And Real People00:15:43
Ooh.
And it still smells like curry in there.
It's still fucking in there.
Dude, you eat curry and shit in somewhere once, bro?
Like, it's there forever.
Do they still have the buffet?
God, I wish.
Oh, man.
Actually, we went there one night.
This porn star was there.
They had all you can eat up.
Pizza there one night from like Domino's and shit.
Oh my god, we got really hammered.
We ate the pizza regardless.
Uh, Atlantis on 66th.
Uh, I used to work at that subway right there in front of Rudy's and we used to cater.
Oh, yeah, Rudy used to cater their lunch buffet over there.
It was so funny, like going over there, like you know what I mean, with a bunch of like half sandwich, like all the like the sandwich platters and shit.
And like it was like day squad, you know what I mean?
So it's people that look like the lady that got the monster truck tattoo working in there.
Oh my god, hey, sweetie, thank you.
Walking in there, and you're like, man, their pussies look exactly like these ham sandwiches.
Just like an Italian.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
It was, I was always, I'll make the delivery.
I'll go over there.
Yeah.
You go over there, chill for a little bit.
The place just smells like Victoria's Love Spell, like Victoria's Secret Love Spell in like 1998 mids as soon as you walk in there.
I was in the parking lot of Atlantis one night and some dude just walks out and he goes, Hell yeah!
And just bop, bop, bop.
And like five minutes later.
Yeah, that's Pinellas Park, dog.
You're in fucking Pinellas Park now.
The dude tried to justify.
He's like, I shot it at an angle so it won't come down on us.
Thanks, genius.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're so fucking sweet.
There's a parking complex right behind us.
Let a couple more off.
Oh, my God.
Dude, I tell people stories like that, and they're like, damn, that's crazy.
I'm like, and it doesn't even phase me because I don't think people joke about what Florida's like, but they don't really know.
No.
It really is as crazy as all the memes that say they are.
I've been to a lot of cities and a lot of places on the road, dude, and all the craziest shit I've ever seen happens all been here.
Really?
Like, and I've seen some pretty gnarly shit.
Dude, all the fucking crazy shit.
There's no clan meetings in Pinellas, are there?
Yeah, but I mean, you drive here somewhere, man.
You know what I mean?
St. Cloud.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a fun fact.
Dude, I don't know.
Like, I've seen a lot of, like, gnarly shit happen, but it's not, like, it's different, crazy.
You know what I mean?
It's not, like, the blatant crazy.
Because I think a lot of people just move here.
Like, you guys, like, remember growing up in school, man, and, like, you'd be sitting in class, and, like, twice a year, just, like, some pale, like, white skinned, you can see their fucking veins, Midwestern kid.
They would just be like, oh, this is Trent, the new kid.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And you knew damn well that dad's job, that kid's dad probably took a job at Raytheon, did his move here from Wisconsin or whatever fucking cold, fat cheese curd state they fucking came from.
You know what I mean?
Like she said this kid comes in wearing the clothes we wore four years ago.
Well, you were in Vulcan you piece of shit DC grow up asshole and like they would these kids would just fucking come in like you know what I mean like that's how it was I remember like sixth grade dude like this kid just came in dude.
This dude he had a fucking bowl cut.
You know what I mean?
And I was like him.
That's how he came.
Yeah, they're like this is a new kid just came from Pennsylvania And we're like yo put on some sunscreen that kid's gonna burst Yeah, where's his mom's stealers tattoo?
I love up My favorite is like early mid 20s, even now, like every once in a while, like you'll be out like downtown hanging out, you know what I mean?
Like somebody will come into the bar and like you're like, I just moved here, you know what I mean?
I just took a job, you know what I mean?
I figured to come to Florida like three months.
It's nice down here.
Three months later, their parents are picking them up in a U-Haul because they have a fucking Oxy happy.
Yeah, they're working at the strip club and they're throwing Oxies and shit.
I've literally seen that happen.
I tattooed a girl when I worked in Peepark.
This girl came in, like, well put together.
Nice girl.
Like just a normal looking, like regular Midwestern chick, dude.
Like that chick now.
Has a blacked out arm, a face tat, and like a scar on her face.
And she works at the strip club.
Shaved her head, dude.
That chick lost 100 pounds and does more cocaine than anybody.
Hell yeah, dude.
And like, it's like that girl's parents have literally had to drive down here from whatever fucking state she came from to like bail her out of rehab like twice, dude.
This chick, like, you can always tell, like, they come down here and they're like, they have like a decent car.
Like, you know, they're like the Civic, their parents got them for like their graduation present.
Yeah.
And then like the dents just start happening from like fucking banging into shit on Bomb Ave.
Like, people, like, People are like, Florida's got to be great.
Like, you got to have, like, a certain grit to be a Floridian because you'll just get, like, it's a fucking tourist state.
You know what I mean?
Like, I don't know if you've noticed this.
If you go to, like, Connecticut, they don't pour drinks like they pour them here.
Nah.
Like, they're shitty.
I went to England, dude, and they jiggered out my fucking drink, and I was like, what the fuck is that?
Like, we only do one ounce.
I'm like, fuck.
Fuck that.
This whole country in the ass.
I lived in Connecticut for a couple years.
We went and I first lived in there.
I went to the liquor store on Sunday, and they're fucking closed.
They don't even sell beer, liquor, nothing on Sundays.
Oh, yeah, that sucks.
It's like New Hampshire, dude.
It's government liquor stores.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
You go to the government store.
Oh, dude.
Yeah.
You got to go to like the beer store.
Dude, I don't even know what that is.
You can't buy it at the gas station.
Yeah.
You can only get beer store.
Beer, liquor, lotto.
You can get cigarettes at gas stations, but beer, liquor, lotto.
The state controls it all.
They're literally like state run liquor stores.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's like state of New Hampshire.
So you can't buy gas for your car and beer at the same place?
No.
No, you cannot.
I don't want to live there.
No.
But it's like you go to the cage.
Oh, yeah.
And they got all the beer.
Like, how much do you pay for this?
Probably like 17, 18 bucks.
I think so.
Maybe 20.
Yeah.
In New Hampshire, that's like 13, 14 bucks.
Oh, yeah.
Because there's no tax on any of that shit.
They cut all the duty off of it.
They take the sales from it from these liquor stores.
They just call them beer distributors.
Oh, I got you.
It's cheap as fuck, too.
Like, every time I drive up to Maine, we always stop in New Hampshire and, like, stock up on booze and shit.
Yeah.
Like, I'll spend, like, 100 bucks and I have, like, a crate of booze.
Like, what are you doing?
Like, going to Maine for the week, guys?
Hell yeah.
Casual weekend.
So, How many buttholes have you tattooed?
Two.
That's a good question.
Same day.
How did that end up happening?
Two random people the same day?
Oh, God.
Or they know each other.
Started out as random people.
Okay.
This is a fucking favorite one.
Yeah, yeah.
So I did a bunch of shit.
I'm on the Johnny B. Show a lot on 102.5.
Johnny's a comic.
We're really good friends.
At night on 102.5.
Yeah.
Johnny's my dude.
Spanish from Coutts is a homie of mine.
Yeah.
And.
What's her name?
Shit.
The chick on Calta.
Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen has a butthole tattoo.
Oh, yeah.
Something happened where some like bet bullshit happened, and like some dude that's like a fan of the show, like they were like, If you can get to like somebody to get their butthole tattooed on air, like we'll forgive you for whatever bullshit they did.
So Spanish hit me up and was like, Yo, do you want to do these butthole tats?
I was like, Hell yeah.
Obviously.
I mean, clearly.
It was literally the morning before I evacuated for Irma when this happened, right?
So I was like, Yeah, I'll do it.
So like, they're like, You got to be here by like 8 and set up and shit.
So I get there like 7 30 and like set all my stuff up.
These girls are late because they're waiting at 7 11 around the corner for 8 o'clock to where you can start buying.
Uh, booze, yeah, yeah, yeah.
These girls literally buy like canned, like shitty box wine at eight o'clock and like just hammer them down.
So, uh, you have to if you're getting a butthole tattoo, yeah.
You gotta loosen up a little bit, you gotta loosen the world.
If I didn't bring razors, these wouldn't have gone down that day.
Yeah, I shaved the ass before, yeah, bro.
Dude, like a little sea urchin, dude.
It was so bad.
Did they shower before they showed up?
Uh, or was there like some dingleberries you had to navigate?
There's an old tattooer trick, dude, when you think people are gonna smell, dude.
If you go in my station right now, there's some VIX vapor up in my station.
If you can keep rubbing the VIX on it, just a little dot, dude.
Isn't that what they do when they encounter dead bodies?
Yes.
So it's like the same thing.
Yeah.
Do they really do that when they encounter dead bodies?
Yeah.
That's like an actual.
That's like a CSI thing.
Yeah.
I just do it because people in fucking Pinellas Park smell, but.
And I'm like, yo, I got to tattoo this girl's fucking asshole.
That hurts a lot for Pinellas Park.
Yeah.
So it's like whether you're tattooing a butthole, encountering dead bodies, or just taking a casual drive through Pinellas Park.
A little VIX vapeau underneath the.
The nose, yo, Kyle, do me a favor, real quick.
I know I'm being super annoying, but scoot to your right just a little bit.
Oh, wait, this right, yeah, because this is the camera filming you.
All right, hi, camera, just yeah, Mick Love.
Hi, hey, See, I like I'm at the radio station I set up and wait for these drunk girls to get there.
They get there, and uh, like, uh, they're hammered and they're wearing like masks and shit to like you know hide who they are, yeah, because what kind of mask?
Uh, I think the one girl was wearing like an Iron Man mask, hell yeah, one girl was wearing like an Iron Man mask, and I don't remember the other one's wearing right.
And they weren't like ugly, you know what I mean?
Like, they weren't like gross or anything, you know what I mean?
And uh, just want some butthole tattoos, no big deal.
And they're all like, you know, straight.
So I haven't seen these girls' faces yet, right?
And they literally just come in, like, hey, like, you know, yeah, just smelling like my aunt on New Year's, and literally just like hop up, like, face down, ass up, you know what I mean?
Like, just arch back, put it up.
Damn, it's a little heart right next to their asshole.
I like do the tattoos, whatever.
And then after everything's done, like, I'm in the hallway, uh, explaining to them, like, How to take care of it.
Sadly, very.
How old were these chicks, if you were to estimate?
20s, 30s.
Mid 20s.
Mid 20s.
You know what I mean?
Healthy buttholes.
One, like, in used car terms.
How do you rate these buttholes on a scale of 1 to 10?
Low mileage.
1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest.
No, I can't do it 1 to 10.
The car analogy is better.
In used car terms, one of them was like a certified used.
You know what I mean?
Did you ask?
Show me the car facts.
No veins.
You can't even, like, just look at it.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's like, uh, buttholes are like a, when you cut a tree trunk open, there's literally a ring for every time that, like, you know what I mean?
Something's been in there.
You fucking wedged it out on a Friday, right?
Uh, one of them was like certified used.
You know what I mean?
Probably like 20, 30,000 miles, clean interior.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
The other one, like, this was like a buy here, pay here off $19, $60 a week.
Bad credit, good credit, no credit.
It's all accepted.
If you got a pulse, you got a car.
Yeah.
Put it this way.
One of them, one of them Uber would accept as a vehicle.
The other one, they'd be like, you need a newer fucking car.
Yeah.
But we're going to finance your own car.
Yeah.
One of them could be Uber.
The other one was like cash ubering on like fucking Facebook.
But yeah, I do these tattoos.
I'm in the hallway like talking to them.
Like they have their masks off now.
And I was giving them like, I'm still being super professional.
Like I was being very like, I was like, yo, you need to like keep you super clean.
Like every time you go to the bathroom, if you number two it, you know what I mean?
Like preferably like shower right afterwards.
And then I was like, I want you to make sure that you're keeping like a thin layer of ointment over it just to keep any bacteria from settling into that, yada, yada, yada.
While this is going on, my now wife, Uh, his girlfriend at the time who was there, uh, comes walking up, and one of the two girls, uh, just shoots her just this look, you know what I mean?
Like, your girl that look, yeah.
Like, I'm a pretty keen dude, like, I pick up on shit like that, and I was like, that wasn't like a look that you give somebody you don't know.
I'm like, they fucking know each other somehow.
Oh no, like, you know what I mean?
I'm like, maybe they because that chick with some braidings in, and like, my uh, my wife now used to live down that way, yeah.
And I was like, man, I wonder if like they maybe like dated the same dude, or like, what's going on?
You know what I'm like, what the.
Fuck was that about?
So the two girls leave.
My wife just starts dying laughing.
I'm like, what's so fucking funny?
She's like, I taught that bitch in hair school.
She's like, I haven't seen her in two years.
She goes, The last time I saw her, she quit, was crying because she was like, I have the job out of school because I just need to get my life together.
And she's like, The next time I see her, you're tattooing her asshole.
She got her life together.
She's like, What a dumb bitch.
Oh, it's so great.
She really got it together.
Yo, and then the weirdest thing, we just went to Trips Diner and just had breakfast like nothing happened.
Oh, yeah, Trips is good.
Yeah, we're just sitting in Trips and we're going to get the breakfast.
Cuban, yeah, like not even think of things, no big deal.
Just tattooed, not even think of the fact that I just tattooed the most ham sandwich looking pussy like ever, dude.
Oh, god, dude.
Like, if Guy Fietti had a vagina, that's what this chick's vagina was.
So, what did you tattoo?
You tattooed a heart and what, dude?
It's still heart and extra butthole.
Both of them, it was passing around.
Oh, you still got it?
Yeah, look at that phone.
That thing is tiny.
Was that the iPhone 1?
It's a 5.
Don't be a dick.
Oh, my god, all right.
That's the pinnacle of iPhone design, right?
I really like it.
I wish they were still small like that.
Honest, that's like Luke's old iPod.
Dude, I would still have a brick Nokia with Snake if I could have it, dude.
Like, I fucking hate phones.
I hate phones.
He just bought one of those, didn't you?
Yeah, you can still get them.
Bam, passing around for the class.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, that's a.
Okay.
I took a picture of the better of the two, but it's not like on the balloon knot.
It's right outside the balloon knot.
Yeah, it's right there.
It's right outside the chili ring.
It's right there.
It's as close as you can possibly get.
Oh, yeah, that's right on the tail end right there.
Yeah, it's right there.
How much does that got to hurt?
Jimmy Hart has that tattoo.
He does.
I don't even know.
I had a hemorrhoid once, bro, and that was awful.
Like, I can't even imagine.
Like, how did they sit through it?
They did it all right?
One of them took it like a champ and didn't even move.
The other one was like, fuck you.
Somebody just asked how much they have to donate for Danny to get a butthole tattoo.
Oh, fuck.
That's not really up to me.
It's me fucking up with Danny, bro.
That's up to Danny.
Somebody said, I've seen a butthole tattoo.
Very nice.
Pass it over.
Oh, someone's calling you.
Oh, who's that?
We could take it live.
Josh Ackerman.
Oh, I can't answer this one right now.
We could take it live.
I don't want to talk to Josh.
I'll call him later.
He can get in the live chat if he wants to talk to me.
What's the most fucked up thing anyone's ever asked you to tattoo on them?
Oh, God.
Was it the butthole?
No, that was not as weird as the butthole.
That was just location.
That was just location.
That was just a heart.
You know what I mean?
Did Carmen get one?
Yeah, I'm not the one who did it, though.
You didn't do it?
No, I didn't do hers.
What did she get?
I think she has a heart, too.
She does?
I'm not sure.
I haven't seen her butthole.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
This phone is dead.
She's kind of hot.
You guys zoomed in on it, you pieces of shit.
I didn't.
Luke did.
Somebody's like, yeah, I got bad eyes.
Oh my God.
Yeah, I don't.
The most fucked up thing I ever had to do.
I've turned down some people from like racist shit.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, what kind of racist shit?
Like, SS bolts and shit like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Funny story.
I did a bull.
Didn't you do a swastika, though?
Or no?
All right.
That's an exaggerated story.
It's comedy.
Yeah, that wasn't necessarily a swastika.
But I did do something not realizing.
I did a totem cough on somebody, not knowing what it was.
The fucking skull.
That was a totem cough.
The SS, like, fucking skull and crossbones.
Oh, man.
I didn't know what it was.
I was like, tight skull and crossbones.
Like, I have no idea that I did a Nazi tat on somebody.
But yeah, that's where that joke came from, is that?
But like, I bet people asked me to do, like, a.
Like SS bolts and shit like that.
I did a Bloods tat and a Crips tat in the same day.
Really?
Yeah, I don't know.
Did they come in together?
No, the funny thing is, it would have been hilarious if they would have been in there at the same time.
This super hood ass Puerto Rican kid came in.
And I did, I think it's a three point crown for Crips.
I forget.
But with all the blue behind it and shit on his hand, dude was totally talking about Crips shit the whole time.
He had Crip tattooed on his knuckles.
Did that and was like, oh, it's hilarious.
That isn't a Crip tat.
Literally, an hour later, I got to walk in from the kid that was like, yo, I want boogie down blood tattooed on my arm.
I was like, buddy, you should have been here an hour ago, man.
That was great.
Jumping The Skyway Bridge00:15:04
Awesome.
I got a guy for you.
You guys could have fought in the lobby.
I don't know, man.
Not personally, the most fucked up thing I've ever seen somebody walk in and be like, I want this.
My buddy Mark Richards did it.
And this very effeminate black dude used to come into the mall.
Right.
And the dude was a male prostitute.
Right.
Like, he was like a cross dressing, like trick turning.
And it was so funny because this dude would come in and like basketball shorts and a wife beater, looking like the most normal St. Pete black dude ever, but he would still have glitter and his fucking fake eyelashes on him.
Shit.
Dude came into the shop, looks right at us, and he goes, I want a dick with wings tattooed on my foot coming dollar signs.
My buddy's like, Yo, I got you.
Don't even leave.
I got you.
Say no more.
Say no more.
I am not letting you leave.
And he literally did like a Dick and balls, like with wings, come in dollar signs.
And he's like, Yo, can I ask you why you're getting these?
He goes, I suck the best dick in St. Pete.
And like, pulls out like a wad of money.
He's like, That's how fucking good I am.
And like, Mark was like, Oh, it's really cool.
He's like, He's, and then the dude was like, Chastising him, telling him, Like, he's like, Your wife's probably trash.
She can't suck dick as good as I do.
And I'm dying the whole time watching this happen.
This is it.
This is it.
Tyrone Mall.
Fuck yeah, bro.
That place was like, Dude, the first two years of that mall shop, dude, like, we treated that place like just a regular tattoo shop.
It wasn't like a It wasn't like a mall tattoo shop.
Nah, dude.
It was just some dudes in there working.
Right across the hall from the gap.
No, it was across from the van store.
We were next door to Brookstone, across from GNC, and I think Lens Crafters was next to us when we first started there.
We got so much shit when we were there.
Fucking smoking weed in the fucking parking lot.
One of the dudes almost fought a security guard the second week we were there.
This is awful.
The first.
Year that we were there, like we were all like in our mid 20s.
Every dude that worked there was like single.
We were all pieces of shit.
And like there's a bunch of like chicks that work in the mall.
And we were really like, yo, who can get closest to 18?
That was like the fucking like summer thing.
You go pick up the chick.
Yeah.
And a dude who will remain nameless fucked the pretzel chick at midnight on her 18th birthday.
Not in the end.
Yeah.
It worked out because like the pretzels just started blowing it.
Those pretzels on fire.
Dude was like, yo, this chick turns 18 on August 29th.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And so it was like August 28th at midnight, dude.
He like threw it in.
Damn.
Damn.
Yeah.
I mean, like, looking back now, you're like, yeah, this is a really awful thing.
He really could have gone scumbag and he went for it, you know?
Yeah.
He should have probably gave it up anyway.
He camped out on midnight like fucking old white women do on Black Friday.
You know what I mean?
Like, I just imagine this dude just, like, sitting outside in a tent, like, going 11 50.
Yeah, he's waiting for it.
Waiting for the stampede.
My man.
Yeah, dude.
Like, Nobody's proud of shit they used to do.
Like, no.
I am not proud of a single thing I did between the age of 19 and 24.
I am really proud of that video that you ran through the rap video.
That's still one of the greatest things.
Aside from that video, I mean, that's all the time.
Legendary, dude.
Yes.
You should have seen me.
I turned that into a Zima commercial.
Yeah.
I completely re edited it into a Zima commercial.
I still have it somewhere.
If only Zima still existed, I might do a better job.
I was living with Gary when that happened.
Everybody knows exactly where they were when they saw that video.
Did you do Gary's test?
That was like my own 9 11.
Yeah, me and my buddy Mark did Gary's chest, that big goat.
Yeah, that was his first tattoo.
Yeah, yeah, he worked at Beach Pizza with me.
I remember back then.
Oh, yeah, that was his first tattoo, dude.
He sat there.
What is the tattoo?
It's a huge goat, dude.
It's from like a decapitated goat head.
I actually, the funny thing about decapitated goat heads in me and Gary's relationship is I got him one for Christmas a few years ago.
Oh, really?
Yeah, dude.
I used to work with this Filipino dude, Ariel, and he's like, bro, you want to come over for a goat roast?
I was like, Fuck yeah, I've never had goat before.
I want to go party with some Filipinos.
And he's like, Get here at like 11.
I'm like, In the morning?
He's like, Yeah, yeah, come over.
We're going to hang out all day.
I get there and there's just a live goat.
I'm like, Ah, shit.
This is getting hot.
I got to call somebody.
Gary, get over here now.
No, Gary didn't even go.
Oh.
So yeah, we're just like hanging out.
Killed a goat in the backyard.
That was real.
Wow.
How'd they kill it?
I'd rather not say.
It was brutal.
It was bad.
But yeah, we fucking killed this thing and like gut it and all that shit.
And I felt real shitty about it.
Until about six o'clock, and I had my first plate, and I was like, That thing deserved it.
Delicious.
Delicious.
Like, fuck that little thing.
But yeah, so it's bad luck to have the goat head, right?
And like, they just hacked it off.
I'm like, Yo, let me put that in a bag.
I got a guy that'll love it.
And I go home drunk and just throw it in the freezer.
Gary comes home, like, Bro, I got you a present.
No.
And his fucking decapitated goat head with the horns and everything.
He's like, Oh my God, this is awesome.
Gary's like, Oh my God, thank you so much.
He's like the most.
I've always wanted this.
Yeah.
It was like the most metal dude ever.
It's still buried in his backyard.
Like, you put it in like a five gallon bucket and like, Drill holes in it to like bury it so like shit would like eat off all the meat for the skull.
We still haven't dug it up yet.
We were supposed to do that like three winter solstice ago.
We should dig that thing out.
You gotta put it in an ant pile though.
I thought, no, no, it's uh, it's it's in there, dude.
I mean, it's Florida, there's ants everywhere, yeah.
Like, so it's been like years, like that thing's probably clean now, but yeah.
Like, he uh, Metal Gear, he's like, dude, we gotta do on winter solstice.
I'm gonna have a fire, we're gonna listen to black metal.
I'm like, dude, I'll beat it.
Only mayhem, yeah, bro.
Like, I was like, yeah, let's do it, dude.
And something always happens and it's still buried in his backyard.
We still haven't fucking dug that thing up yet.
Oh my god.
Yeah, it was the best Christmas present I ever gave anybody.
It was fucking rad.
So, how old were you when you actually started writing shit?
Like stand up?
Like writing?
Well, I mean, how did it work?
How did that happen?
Did you start writing stand up?
Did you one day decide, I want to write jokes?
Yeah, like when's your first show and shit?
Or what did you start writing?
Did you start writing about your feelings?
No, dude, like when I first started stand up, dude, it was like dick and fart jokes, dude.
Super clean, too.
It was not like, it was all like hokey one liner shit.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For like the first couple years, that's all it was, dude.
I started when I was 17.
And I had like one joke there.
I don't even remember what it was.
Like, uh, and I was like, I want to do this because I had no idea, like, what stand it was.
I thought people just went up and were just funny, right?
Like, I didn't realize the mechanics of it or like writing and like you know, not like it is now.
Like, I write maliciously, dude.
Like, I have like just notes, like plastered to a wall, like a serial killer, you know what I mean?
Uh, for like shit that I'm working on.
And, uh, I was like, Yeah, I'm gonna go do this.
And I was like, Calling the club on the beach, I was like, Yeah, I want to come to your open mic.
And they're like, You're not even 18, you're not even allowed in.
Come on, I really want to do it.
Called and begged and begged.
They finally let me go.
The first joke I did on stage, like, actually got a laugh.
And then I just, Ate a bag of dicks for the next like four minutes, and the club owner was like, Okay, cool, you really want to do this?
and he started letting me go back, so I was like going back and like met other comics and started like doing more and more shit and like trying harder.
And it just fucking like instantly, the first time I did, I was like, I love this, like, this is great, yeah.
So, were you scared?
Uh, I was nervous as fuck the first time that I went up, yeah.
Did you get drunk or anything before the first time?
Uh, I was 17, so I couldn't drink then, but I think I smoked like a bunch of weed, hell yeah.
And like, I went up and then like did it, and then like I did comedy from like 17 to like 21.
But when I was, when I stopped when I was 21, I was in Jersey then because I started here and moved to Jersey.
And then comedy scene in Jersey is great.
There's a really cool club up there called Stress Factory that would like sit right by Ruckers.
So their open mic was like actually packed.
Like you could actually get in front of like a crowd.
Most open mics are you're just yelling at like four drunk guys in a bar that aren't listening to you.
Like it was an actual like mic that you could go and actually like there was a crowd that listened to it.
And yeah, I was doing it.
And like when I stopped, I was doing like some like local college shows and like starting to like make a little money at it.
You know what I mean?
Like I was still doing like kind of like cleaner hokey shit.
You know what I mean?
Because I hadn't really like found myself.
I still didn't even know who I was.
Right at the time, you know what I mean?
Like, I was like, you know, like just this fucking kid, you know what I mean?
Like, uh, I was going to school for paralegal studies at the time, really.
I have fucking what I have three quarters of a paralegal degree, wow, somewhere.
Uh, but yeah, I was uh doing that shit and like uh started tattooing and then just quit comedy.
I was like, yeah, fuck this.
Like, I had to be at the shop all the times that like I had to do stand up and like I wasn't like whatever at it then.
I was like, okay, yeah, but like, why'd you quit?
You just weren't making enough money or what?
No, it wasn't even a money thing, dude.
Like, I made money sometimes, man, but like.
Comedy was always just more like a thing that I loved doing.
But like when I started tattooing, dude, like tattooing, like you have to be there.
When you're an apprentice, like you have to be there.
Yeah.
So the shop I worked at, my hours were two to two.
You know what I mean?
And it was all weekend days.
So I couldn't do stand up anymore.
So I just, I didn't really like, like consciously quit doing stand up, but it's kind of just like stopped going.
And the next five years, like tattooing was all I did.
And I was at the shop, like doing that.
And then, uh, met my kid's mom at a funeral.
That's the most poetic fucking.
That's that.
What?
No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got to hear that story.
No, there is no story.
I didn't like spit game at her at a funeral.
That's just where we met.
And that's.
Makes sense for the next fucking 13 years of my life dealing with crazy bitch.
But like, yeah, I had my kid.
Like, shit was going crazy.
Like, my kid was just about to be born when I first told her about what happened when I was a kid.
So that happened.
We split up.
She put me through the worst shit I've ever been through.
I know, like, we all have a crazy ex story.
Motherfucker, I will top your story hard.
So I was like, just going through some shit and like ran into this.
Weird dude Dave that like I did open mic with when I was like 17 and he was working at CVS across the street.
My house is like, Is your name Kyle?
Like, did you used to do stand up?
I was like, Yeah, hi, what's up?
I thought you looked familiar.
He's like, You still doing stand up?
And he's like, Yeah, so I was like, Oh man, he's been doing stand up this whole time.
This dude's probably great now, still dog shit.
I was like, I've been thinking about like going to like do some mics and shit again and like start doing it.
I was like, I've been kind of like writing again and stuff.
And I'm like, I was like 27, I think, like maybe 26 at the time.
Like, I had to take like a five, six year break from like doing stand up.
I was like, I want to go do it again.
I miss it.
And he was like, Hey, cool.
So, uh, I went to uh, Bowser is in Dunedin.
They used to have an open mic.
It was like the first mic I'd done in like six years and like shit just clicked like the like hokey little dumb 17 year old jokes were like out the fucking window.
Like now I'm this like jaded, like late 20s dude that can actually drink at a bar.
You know what I mean.
Let me fucking tell you guys something about like and like.
It just came out.
You know what I mean.
And like the change in my mental health.
I have goosebumps.
Like the change in my mental health and that first month of getting back into stand up like I was like ready to blow my fucking brains out.
Like a Like, oh, yeah, there's been some pretty shitty times.
I had a really funny suicide story, by the way.
Uh, but I was like, I was like, done.
I was like, fuck this.
I'm over this.
Like, all the shit with my kid's mom.
Like, I'm going through all my shit.
My dad has died.
Like, just everything.
You know what I mean?
Like, it, people don't realize how it's porn right now, dude.
Yeah.
Like, uh, dude, I look at people that jump off the skyway as fucking heroes, man.
I'm like, I'm afraid to drive over that bridge, let alone fucking swan dive off of it.
You know what I mean?
That's pretty ballsy for sure, dude.
That's a big move.
Yeah.
Uh, and not only are you like, fucking up your day, you're fucking up everybody else's day, too, because they shut that shit down for a couple hours.
Yeah.
Dude, like, all right, here's my thing with the Skyway, right?
You want to do it cool.
Let's not do it from 8 to 10 a.m. and 4 to 6 p.m.
Yeah, yeah.
In rush hour.
If you're jumping in rush hour, you deserve to be up there.
That's why everyone helps you.
It's always about you.
Yeah, fucking.
You know what I would love to see?
I would love to see somebody fucking jump off of that bridge and hit the pool on the Disney cruise.
That would be.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, dude.
Like, they'd live.
Yo, you're going to know, dude.
Like, you're going to fucking cash in your chips, dude.
Fucking ruin the cruise.
You know what I mean?
Like, take everybody down with you.
Go out like a Fucking hero, you know what I mean?
Like, you know what I want to see?
I want to see somebody take an Uber to the top of the skyway.
Yeah, later guys, do it tonight just to with the Uber driver.
You guys got cameras and shields.
Oh my, I like the story of the guy.
I'm not sure if it was true or not, but I've always heard the story of the guy that jumped out the skyway with his dog and he died.
The dog lived, dude.
I'm not sure if that's a true story.
I used to tattoo some Coast Guard dudes that worked out at Albert Witted, yeah, and they that's part of their job was like fishing the bodies out and like, uh.
This dude told me some stories.
He's like, You don't think it's just people that just jump off that fucking bridge?
He's like, It's like women in wedding dresses.
Dudes dressed to the fucking nines.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
With a note in six fucking plastic bags.
It's so weird.
People that commit suicide, they have it perfectly set up in their mind how they want to do it.
Oh, buddy.
I know, dude.
It's not just a thing you just do.
I mean, yeah, there are people that just go, Yeah, fuck it and blow their brains out.
You know what I mean?
But like, It's a.
What was your experience like?
Buddy, I had a really well written note.
You know what I mean?
Like, It was like, yeah, fuck it.
I'm done.
Like, fuck all of this.
Like, it was never going to get better.
Like, I'm never going to get out of my own head.
I'm never going to get through this shit with my kid's mom.
Like, it's, it's, uh, it is true.
Like, you just hit that, like, point.
Like, really, I see no light at the end of the tunnel for me.
Like, I have no idea where my life's going.
Like, I can't get worse.
I'm broke.
I'm like, fuck this.
And the other thing is, like, I was at the point where I was like, maybe I'm doing everyone else a favor.
You know what I mean?
Like, if I check out, like, you know what I mean?
People cry for a week or two.
You know what I mean?
Like, they'll have a beer on my birthday, but no one's going to really fucking care because that's how.
Deep, I wasn't of that.
I was like, no one is gonna give a shit, you know what I mean?
Like, and uh, I was like, fucking, I'm gonna do it.
And like, I had this whole day planned and everything, you know what I mean?
I was like, I'm gonna do it this day, you know what I mean?
And uh, what day was it?
Why that day?
Insert, it wasn't even like a there was no correlation to the date or anything, it was just like, I'm gonna do it this day, yeah, yeah, ready for it, yeah.
And like, the shitty part was like, my friends didn't know that, like, I hung out everyone that week, I was hitting on people I didn't see in years ago, this week, you know what I mean?
They had no idea, like, in my head, I'm like.
I want to see you one last time.
You know what I mean?
They had no fucking clue that, like, that's what it was.
And, like, I was like, yeah, I want to fucking see you guys.
And, like, they had no idea that it was, like, yeah, we should go out Friday.
Right.
You're hanging out with all them people and shit.
Yeah.
Little do they know if they canceled on plans, assholes.
Right.
My mom had a friend like that, man, that she worked with.
And, like, she hung out with and, like, gave her all her nursing books and stuff.
And, like, you know, my mom didn't think anything of it, but she gave him, like, all these books and all of her stuff.
And it was, like, one of her really good friends.
And then, like, a week later, she killed herself.
And then we realized that.
Gifting is a huge part of the psychology of this.
Yeah.
She gave her a bunch of shit.
That was like meaningful shit, you know?
Carrying Heavy Baggage00:05:32
Yeah, no, I did the same shit.
I gave some shit away to people, man.
Like, gifting is a big part of it.
But, like, yeah, I was like, yeah, Saturday, I'm fucking checking out.
Fuck this.
You know what I mean?
It's done.
I was going to hang myself in my backyard.
What?
I was like, yeah, fuck it.
That seems like a good way to go.
I didn't want to shoot myself because I was like, no one should have to clean that up.
I just felt like that's a dick move.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
I was very considerate of you.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, like, you fucking, you know, we care about people.
Kurt Cobain didn't feel like that.
No, he was like, fuck it.
Clean it up.
But, ow.
Yeah, man.
What the fuck?
Oh, you guys got ghosts.
We watched the lights, yeah.
What happens at midnight?
But yeah, dude, like, I didn't want to go through the agony of fucking, like, overdosing myself.
You know what I mean?
I didn't want to fucking shoot myself because I'm like, someone's going to have to scrub that up.
You know what I mean?
I was like, Yeah.
So you're going to hang yourself?
Yeah, I'm going to fucking do that because, like, I read up on it.
I'm like, apparently your neck snaps and it's, like, pretty painless.
So, like, you'd be, like, on a chair and you'd, like, kick it out.
Yeah, I did it, dude.
I was.
Did you learn how to, like, tie a noose and everything?
How far did you get?
No, dude.
I didn't.
That's kind of.
I, like, I didn't Boy Scout, so I don't even know what kind of knot it was.
It was there.
Yeah, and I was like fuck it.
I'm gonna do this shit bravest thing I ever did was kick a chair out from under myself Went down and my feet hit the ground had like a quick little tug the fucking branch was so eaten out by carpenter ants and termites dude.
It was basically hollow and I'm a fat fuck, felt no resistance.
You snapped the branch like butter.
I didn't even have a mark on my neck.
I literally my feet hit the ground and then I get hit in the back of the head by this with the branch hollow branch, just full of bugs.
I'm just laying in the backyard like you can't even kill yourself, like your dad was fucking right, like damn.
And I'm just standing out there like fuck and like there was a realization there, like oh shit, like this could have went a different way.
Yeah, I don't fucking believe in God or any bullshit like that, or like fucking second chances.
That was just a bad choice in branches.
Like, but like maybe you should have been a Boy Scout because you could pick the better, because you could tie the better tree.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, for a buck fifty.
Yeah dude, but it was so fucking yeah, uh.
What were you thinking when you were laying on the ground and that thing fucking broke?
I was pissed, were you?
You were mad.
That was your first reaction.
I was covered in fucking ants.
Dude, like it was the worst, like I, like I.
The shitty part is like dude, you go from like this, like crying like somber goodbye, cruel world, to like fucking ants, like running around the backyard like a fucking idiot, fucking pushing ants off yourself.
I literally jumped into the above ground pool that was in the fucking backyard and like jumped in the fucking pool and i'm like just what the Fuck just happened, dude.
Like, damn.
You want to talk about like a fucking spectrum of emotions, you know what I mean?
And then now you're just standing in an above ground pool, like, just fucking, what the fuck?
You know what I mean?
Now you're like, oh shit, now I got to figure out the rest of my day.
You know what I mean?
Now I got to dry off.
I'm kind of hungry now.
Now I got to go to work tomorrow.
You don't just take the day off at that point?
I kind of want to like stop.
No, I did, dude.
Like, I kind of like just sat there and like thought about shit and just like kind of went inside and like just kind of sat and was like, oh fuck, like this didn't go as planned.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah.
Uh, it's like so, uh, What am I gonna do now?
You know what I mean?
And like, it was a weird thing, like just kind of sitting there and like being like, fuck, man, like that could have went a totally different way, you know?
And like, I didn't have some fucking weird fucking spiritual moment or like, God wants me to be here, you know what I mean?
Or anything like that.
And like, I think I was kind of like, what the fuck did you just do, man?
Like, you almost fucking killed yourself because you got treated like shit by other people.
Like, I don't, like, I've not really like wronged anybody.
Like, I don't really have enemies, you know what I mean?
Minus like my kid's mom and like a few dudes that have fucked her on weekends.
There's not a lot of people that dislike me.
Like, and I was like, you fuck.
Like, I pretty much tried to punch my own ticket because of the shit that happened to me that was out of my control.
Yeah.
Like, it wasn't my fault that I got fucking diddled.
It wasn't my fault that my dad was a piece of shit.
And like, I was carrying this fucking baggage, dude.
I'm like, fuck them.
Like, fuck everything that happened to you.
Like, do something.
Like, fucking, I can do.
Like, I'm like, my kid was like a year old at the time.
And I'm like, you fucking dumb asshole.
Like, you, like, What are you gonna do?
You gonna kill yourself and let the fucking bar rats your fucking kid's mom fucks on the weekend raise that kid?
Fuck no.
Like, be a fucking better dad than your dad was.
Like, step it the fuck up.
And I literally just kind of like sat, like, rolled a fucking blunt.
You know what I mean?
I almost killed myself with weed left over.
Like, that was.
What a fucking idiot.
Like, you should.
I should have smoked it first.
Yeah.
I'm like, I still.
Like, this was still good.
Die high, die high.
Yeah.
Like, what a dumbass.
Yeah.
I literally, like, just like, rolled a fucking blunt and, like, fucking.
Caddyshack, I watched Caddyshack and like just stayed home that night and like just didn't do shit and just like thought about it.
I mean, like, how could you go out that night after you try to kill yourself?
I didn't, I didn't tell anybody either, dude.
Like, that was the other thing because I was like, I think I was more terrified of people knowing about that than like I was about like, like fucking being diddled or fucking the molestation stuff.
I was like, way, like, I was way more like uneasy about how did you end up telling somebody about that for the first time?
Oh, dude, I just got wasted one night with my buddy.
Fucking hanging out doing blowing a fucking hotel, like doing comedy.
Yeah, let me tell you something, buddy.
Walking Into A Porn Shoot00:04:40
You want to hear a funny suicide story?
Because that's how things come out for me.
You know what I mean?
Literally, it takes a lot of cocaine.
Told him this story next night, eight o'clock show, third joke.
You guys want to hear a good suicide story?
He tells the joke.
Yeah, let's fucking take that one for a ride.
That's how stand up ended up being for me.
Like, I started talking about shit like that.
Like, talking about the thing about getting fucking diddled by your sister.
And every time you open Pornhub, it's like, yeah, fuck my brother.
Fuck, this sucks.
You know what I mean?
Buzzkill.
Is that the worst kind of porn for you, is the brother sister stuff?
I mean, yeah, because they're not even really related, dude.
Like, fucking.
It's just the title.
It's fake to be a kid.
Yeah, like, you know what I want to see?
I want to see you fuck your sister and come on her birth certificate.
You know what I mean?
I want to see the 23.
Like, no, what I want to see is the 23.
I want to see, like, are you my real brother, dude?
And he, like, spunks into the thing.
They send it off.
You know what I mean?
And, like, three weeks later, it comes back.
You know what I mean?
Somehow Mari Povich is in there.
He's like, You are the brother.
And they're like, Oh my God.
Fucking on stage.
Oh, there he is, dude.
Like, I don't even know how that shit took off, dude.
Like, I don't get it.
Maybe it's fucked up people like me.
You know what I mean?
Maybe you don't like porn, right?
You think porn is bad for people, especially fucking.
Fuck no.
Porn's awesome.
Oh, really?
Porn's the shit, dude.
On your stand up thing, you were talking about how bad porn is and how terrible it is for.
I talk shit about porn for many reasons.
On my album, I'm talking shit about it because you always have like women there, like, it objectifies women.
Fuck you.
300 pound fat bitches get paid tens of thousands of dollars to get fucked.
Like, there's a section for porn for every type of woman.
There's 80-year-old ladies that are doing porn.
There's fucking people that, like, no one in this room would fuck on their drunkest day that are getting fucked in porn.
There's minions.
For money.
Fucking, like, just every type of woman there is.
Every dude in every one of those videos is between 6'1 and 6'3 with a six-pack tan, same fucking haircut.
Like, there's not, like, Ron Jeremy now is ugly.
When Ron Jeremy in his prime, he was a good-looking dude.
Like, if I walked into, like, a porn audition, they'd be like, Yeah, thanks, have a good day, buddy.
You know what I mean?
Like, let me hear your dick, boy.
Yeah, porn is more sexist to men than it is to women.
You know what I mean?
It is a woman's industry.
Yes, it takes, like, you know, you gotta have some skeletons in your closet or, like, you know, really want to get back at your dad.
But, like, it's a woman's industry.
Like, you can walk into a porn shoot and be like a fucking 300 pound chick with a lopsided pussy, like, no teeth.
And they'd be like, Yeah, we got the perfect fucking spot for you.
You know what I mean?
You're gonna get fucked in a trailer park and it's gonna be your cousin.
And then you'd be like, Yeah, cool.
And then you're gonna make $3,000.
You know what I mean?
Every dude.
Whether they're white, black, whatever they are, they're all over six foot.
You know what I mean?
They all have like a huge, gifted, awesome wiener.
You know what I mean?
Like, photographs really well.
There's also no drop down categories for different types of dudes, right?
It's always, it's always the only tab we get is gay.
That's it.
Like, that's it.
There's not a BBW section for us.
It's not like, hey, let's go watch this little piggly wiggly guy get his fuck on out of breath.
You know what I mean?
That's not how it is.
Like, and the shitty part is like the pay gap.
Yeah.
All right.
I know, you know, like, you know, like, Statistically, women get paid less than men.
Not in porn.
You know what I mean?
You get paid $5,000 for a shoot.
The dude gets 50 bucks in a Big Mac.
You know what I mean?
Because you liked it.
You know what I mean?
That's always been my problem with porn is like that.
You know what I mean?
You know, my other problem with porn is these so-called moms.
No, you're just too old to do teen, you dumb bitch.
There's not a fucking stretch mark, a fucking tattoo for Aiden.
Or that's, of course, what porn star women would name their kids.
They're all fucking Aiden's.
Or a butthole tattoo.
Yeah, exactly.
They have like, Like, just symmetrical, nice, like vaginas, not a single stretch mark, a fucking c section scar.
You know what I mean?
Like, you didn't pop out a kid.
You're just too old to do fucking teen porn.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You're not a mom.
Like, you're not like showing up in your minivan, fucking sucking a dick and giving somebody a caprice on afterwards.
You're not a mother.
You don't have a motherly instinct.
That would be real mom porn.
Yeah, like if I'm going to watch mom porn, dude, I want to see some lady reading a Danielle Steele book, watching Jeopardy.
You know what I mean?
And when she flips off that robe, dude, I want to see some floppy titties, stretch marks.
You know what I mean?
And like a wrapper for a granola bar.
Ruining Their Night For Mine00:05:18
Yeah, dude.
I want you to tell me.
Some Bell's Outlet coupons.
My husband's always too busy playing Call of Duty to fuck me.
Like, yeah, I would get into that, you know?
It's fucking, that's my porn shit.
Porn is so unrealistic.
And I think you just solved it.
Yeah, it's so cool.
The one joke on my album about porn being super unrealistic is that no one does butt stuff on a white couch.
Oh, yeah.
That's so unrealistic.
That is a great one.
It just pisses me off though, dude.
I don't even know how that happened.
I just went off on a fucking rant.
Like, I was like, doing shit like comedy's changed so much, man.
Like, when I started, especially in Jersey when I was younger, like, the comedy club, the stress factory that I was going to do open mic at, dude, like, Patrice and fucking Bill Burr, those dudes would just come down from fucking New York and just bump everybody and do sets.
And you're like, oh my God, fucking Bill Burr's here.
Like, it was before Bill Burr was what Bill Burr is now.
Like, this is like early 2000s.
And, like, there's a direct train room from the city, and those dudes would all come down there and just drop in and do shit.
And it was fucking great.
But, like, I don't know if it's because Jersey people don't have a soul or if just comedy was different then.
Like, you could talk about, like, shit.
Like, there's, like, safe space comedy rooms now.
Like they're like we don't hear anything sexist racist transphobic and like you can't even like even if you're not like punching down or being like mean about that subject They don't even want you to bring it up.
You know what I mean?
I literally did a joke about me getting molested at a show and I had this girl come up to me in Jersey.
No, this is in Orlando.
Okay.
Fuck that town And she came up just I can't believe you said that on stage I was like, what?
She's like making up that story about getting molested.
I was like, what?
What?
And this is like two years ago.
This is like a height of like the Me Too movement.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And it just boggled my mind because I was like, oh my God, can you imagine if like a dude walk up to a chick and was like, he was made that all up?
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
She called the fucking cops.
And she was like, I can't believe that you would just go up there and try to joke about that.
And I was like, that shit really happened.
And she goes, well, if it did.
She goes, you talking about it.
She's like, even on stage, it triggered for other people.
She's like, you shouldn't even talk about that shit.
I'm like, who the fuck?
Are you to tell you what to talk about?
To tell me what the fuck to talk about, you know what I mean?
Like, I wasn't on stage, like, yo, can we like stop talking about you eating out your girlfriend again?
You know what I mean?
And how the only reason you're gay is because you want to get back at your dad, you know what I mean?
Because he was a fucking right wing Christian, and the funniest thing that you could do is a fucking hipster thing.
She literally, this joke, she's like, the funniest thing I ever did was I ate this chick out in the shape of a cross.
And I was like, that's not even how you get chicks to come.
You're an awful girlfriend.
It doesn't even work like that.
Alphabet dummy.
But like, it's just weird, man.
Like, Comedy's turned so weird, and that's why I say, like, I don't work a lot of clubs anymore because, like, I have club owners I fucking personally love your shit.
They're like, but we don't want to get any emails, you know what I mean?
Because you might say the wrong thing, yeah, which I have plenty of times, you know what I mean?
You've won too many drinks, somebody yells at you in the crowd, you know what I mean?
And you're just fucking start roasting them, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've said some pretty mean shit to people on stage before that have heckled me, but that's a part of it, too.
I mean, like, if you want to include yourself in the show, that's like you're in the show now, you want to say something, then okay, let's go.
My wife knows this.
If you ever come see me do stand up, I stand up the whole time.
If I ever sit down on the stool, I gave up.
I'm done.
I'm not doing any more material.
You know what I mean?
If I sit down on the stool, I am literally going to fuck with everybody the whole time, or I'm going to do the dirtiest, worst, awkward.
So I got fucked as a kid.
You know what I mean?
You're just like trying to get canceled as soon as you sit down.
No, I'm just trying to ruin their night for ruining mine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
I'm going to steal your 15 bucks, and you are going to.
I have like a go to story when it gets like that.
When people are just like.
It's usually like the late show where, you know what I mean?
Like, it's people that got like free tickets because comedy clubs like just paper the rooms and shit.
They're like, you're not funny.
Larry the Cable guy's funny.
I'm like, fuck Larry the Cable guy.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry you have to listen to six minutes of things and breadcrumbs and pay attention to get to the funny part and not just like fart pussy.
You know what I mean?
I'm sorry there's some substance.
I mean, you do say fart pussy a lot, but it's a little bit more context to it.
Like, I'm sorry that, like, you know, the biggest problem with like people that talk at comedy clubs are they can't stand to shut the fuck up and listen to somebody else.
Nine times out of ten the dumb drunk bitch that's fucking yelling at you while you're on stage that is like you're not funny.
You know what I mean?
Jeff Dunham he's funny.
You're not funny.
You're just insensitive and I'm sorry that you haven't put down your fucking phone for five minutes and actually listen to a full bit because I'm sorry that a three minute bit there's breadcrumbs and a premise and a setup and a punchline that gets to the funny part and you couldn't put down your fucking phone for five seconds looking at Tinder who's fucking gonna knock your fucking cunt down later to listen to an entire joke.
It's not my fault that you don't have the mental capacity to listen to a bit.
It's the kind of girls that are like, I don't want to watch that movie.
It's got subtitles.
That's the biggest fucking red flag with me.
You want to like, oh, we should watch this, like, really good movie.
It's got subtitles.
I don't want to watch that.
Those people, nine times out of ten, we should just fucking cut their head off.
Like, if you like, like, it's an old saying.
I can't credit being the one that came up with this.
Reading The Satanic Bible00:03:18
If you ever go to a chick's house to fuck her and there's no books, leave.
Like, I didn't come up with that, but like, I thought about that.
And like, my ex, like, there's not a book, no bookcase in that house.
You know what I mean?
She got fake tits and cheated on me.
My now wife, she had books.
You know what I mean?
They weren't good books, but she had books.
It was a book.
Dude, you don't like this day and age, the patience for somebody to sit down and read a book.
You know what I mean?
Like, I love it when you're like, oh, I read this thing or I did some research.
You watch YouTube.
Shut the fuck up.
I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw a headline.
You don't need books, though, nowadays.
You don't need physical books.
Yeah.
But that's even, that even, like, that supports the point.
You don't need them, but if you have them.
But people use them.
We were just talking about this.
Now that everyone's doing interviews on Skype on YouTube, like, everyone does these Skype interviews, especially like on the news now.
Yeah.
Everybody.
All those people are putting those big bookcases behind them.
Oh, yeah.
To make them look how smart I am.
Look at all these books I bought that I haven't read.
Yeah, look how great my IQ is.
I have all these books on my shelf behind me.
So they use them to prop up this false.
We should put one back here.
I have like six.
This is going to be full of phone books and like.
We're going to have a bookshelf up there.
We're going to put a bookshelf up there.
Phone books and Dr. Seuss books.
If you need some phone books or some of my car, I sat on to drive here.
Dude, I own like six books.
I have all three George Carlin books.
Hell yeah.
Uh.
I have an old Michael Moore book.
I have a dude wears my country book.
Somebody just bought me.
I didn't even read that one.
The Satanic Bible.
That's a good one.
Gary used to bring that to fucking Beach Pizza.
It was Necronomicon.
The Necronomicon.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's the one he used to bring there.
I have the Satanic Bible, and then I have this like weird sociology.
I don't even know what the fuck wrote.
It's this weird book about.
Have you read the Satanic Bible?
Yeah, like three times.
What's it about?
How great your life could be.
That's what I heard.
Dude, it's basically.
It's like a very like self-help book.
Yeah, it's like a self-help book.
It's the best self-help book ever written.
It really is.
And like the seven satanic tenets are like, it's like, don't fuck kids, don't rape, don't steal.
You know what I mean?
Like, indulge in anything that makes you feel good that doesn't fuck somebody else's shit up.
You know what I mean?
Like, you want to do drugs?
Do them until it becomes a problem.
You know what I mean?
You want to fuck?
Fuck till it becomes a problem.
You know what I mean?
Women are held in a much higher regard because they're the flower or the bees.
You know what I mean?
It's people just get scared of it because they're like, oh, it's Satanism.
But it's not.
Leviathan, Satanism.
Leviathan, Satanism is.
Now, what's Leviathan?
Anton LaVey.
That's he, the guy that was in Hollywood.
Yeah, he uh, Anton LeVe found on the Church of Satan, and I believe it was 1966.
Okay, uh, and uh, yeah, it's a paperback, which is even cooler.
You know what I mean?
Uh, actually, the first time I read it, like, you know what I mean?
I'm just like reading a book, not thinking about it.
You know what I mean?
I was flying to Boston, and I'm like, I'm gonna bring this book and read it on the plane, and I'm not even thinking about it.
It's like, I look like me, and uh, I'm in like the third row of coach, dude, and I'm like balls deep in this book because like I was like super fucking into it.
You know what I mean?
And I'm like finger fucking on this book, you know what I mean?
After just having like airport drinks.
You're flicking your finger in public when you could still do that.
You know what I mean?
Good old days.
And not realizing the whole back of it just says the fucking satanic Bible.
I literally had a lady walk past me and just go, oh, hey, babe.
Cherry Picking Information00:04:02
And like, fucking, I just don't think about it because like, I don't give a fuck.
She's like, I need to find another flight.
And they're like, terrified.
You know what I mean?
Like, and you're like, oh shit, like, I am doing this in public, you know, which I've always talked about.
Like, this pisses my mom off.
My mom's.
My mom's Christian, how you should be.
She shuts the fuck up about it, and it's her own thing.
You know what I mean?
It's her thing.
My mom prays.
Don't question it.
Every night before she goes to bed.
My mom has more faith than anyone, and my mom hasn't set foot in church since like before 9 11.
Like, but like, she doesn't preach her shit.
My mom doesn't own a Bible.
She won't quote.
She truly believes.
You know what I mean?
And like, I have a right wing uncle who's the uncle that I'm making fun of on my CD.
Yeah.
Who's one of those like, a cable guy?
He's not really a cable guy.
That was just a crafty line.
You know what I mean?
Not everything is super true in Colony, but like, sometimes shit just fits.
Yeah.
But like, he's one of those like, we're on Christmas.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm saying Christmas.
Yeah, I'm saying Merry Christmas.
You know what I mean?
I'm not saying happy holidays.
I ain't wearing a mask or going the right way down aisles.
I have a new bit that I'm working on about him for my new CD that I want to record at the end of this year or whenever this thing ends.
You know what I mean?
About that uncle and how I miss when conspiracy theories were smart.
I miss when they were intellectual.
People would spend two years researching JFK to put out this thesis on who did it and who did it.
Bullet trajectory, yeah, dude.
Like, like 9 11, you know what I mean?
When people are like, Well, this is the heat for this, like, it was there were people that actually did it, and now it's just like Obama's a Muslim, and you're like, Why?
I'm like, Because he's brown, that's why, you know, like, he did an interview in front of a yellow curtain, and where's his birth certificate?
Yeah, that's not a yellow curtain, that was a Muslim prayer rug, you know what I mean?
Uh, like, and my uncle's one of those dudes, and uh, I was like just making fun of him about like how, like, uh, he will, in one sentence, tell you that uh, Obama is an undercover special agent Muslim.
Right, in the next breath, he'll spout that Michelle Obama's a man, you know what I mean?
That's just a big old tranny, you know what I mean?
That was the first man, not the first woman, you know what I mean?
Uh, and like, I'm like, how's that work, Uncle Dan?
Like, if he's a Muslim and Michelle Obama's a man, doesn't that make him gay?
That's not cool, that's not something that they're like, I don't even know, there's like Muslims, they don't like that, yeah.
They would chuck you out of a bell tower for that, you don't just get to tiptoe into the world of Islam.
I'm pretty sure they have a pretty strict, close toed shoot policy, yeah.
It's not, uh, but like, it was like ripping.
Him apart about this shit and uh, it just boggles my mind that people are like yeah well, maybe he is an undercover Muslim.
I'm like well, how can he be that like, if Michelle Obama's a man, that makes him gay.
I've seen that dude eat bacon on tv, like at a pork restaurant.
You know the Presidential Servant Barbecue in Texas.
They have a Cuban sandwich named after him in Tampa, which is all pork.
I'm adding that to this bit.
Thank you, Luke.
I've seen Obama drink beer on tv.
I've seen that dude eat bacon and pork.
Apparently now he's gay like uh, you don't get to cherry pick In Islam, that's not like you're either in or out, and he got so mad when I said this to him.
I was like, I understand that you think it's easy to cherry pick stuff like that.
I was like, but that's not what Islamic people do, they don't cherry pick.
I was like, which is hard for you to understand because you just cherry pick Christianity.
He was like, Fuck you, like, oh, he was so mad.
I was literally like, Oh, I just ruined Thanksgiving.
Yeah, yeah, that's the thing about that.
So, he's like, they cherry pick like these little bits of information or like made up information that support whatever they think.
Is true, and they just craft these narratives that, like, oh, see, I mean, you can't disprove it, so it's got to be true, dude.
I've literally had somebody tell me how they base their life on the Bible while eating endless shrimp at Red Lobster.
I'm like, you shouldn't be eating those, like, what do you mean?
I'm like, you're not supposed to eat shrimp, it's in the book that you base your shit on, like, yeah, if you're gonna base your life on a book, read the whole book, you know what I mean?
Wedging Relationships With Friends00:13:48
Like, people run around with cliff notes, dude, like, that's like my whole thing with him, is like, yeah, there's a war on Christians, you don't know how hard it is, all right, take that perfectly.
If you were sitting.
On that $49 Frontier flight, like I was reading the Bible, people would be like, I'll bless you when you walk by.
No one would have given you fucking dirty looks.
If you walk out on the street and go, I'm a Christian, people are going to be like, hell yeah.
You know what I mean?
If I tell somebody that I'm a Satanist, you know what I mean?
They're like, oh my God.
Get away from him.
I have to be like, no, it's like self help.
It's humanitarianism.
You know what I mean?
It's more atheism.
They're like, fuck you, devil worshiper.
So fucked, dude.
Like, religion scares the shit out of me, dude.
It really does.
The funniest thing is that, like, I, like, people that I grew up with, like, when I started talking about, like, getting diddled and shit, they were like, oh my God, that happened at St. Matthew's, a church because we went to a Roman Catholic church.
I'm like, no, shit, it didn't.
That's where it happened.
A bummer.
Dodged a bullet, man.
Like, I'm glad it wasn't some old dude, man.
Like, that's the retrospect at it.
You know what I mean?
Like, Yeah, it's fucked my shit up.
You know what I mean?
And, like, I don't care how many times you have that weird first kiss moment with somebody.
You know what I mean?
Like, you accidentally touch a titty and I'm apologizing for a half hour, making it weird as fuck.
Because I don't want anybody to ever feel violated like I did.
So, like, dude, I've been like, my wife to this day, I'm like, is it okay with you?
You know what I mean?
Like, oh my God, I accidentally grabbed your titty in the car when you stop.
I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.
She said, we're married.
I'm like, oh, I'm sorry.
I just want to, you know, it's still your space.
You know what I mean?
Like, I married you.
I didn't buy you at a fucking cattle farm.
He wasn't in auction.
But it's weird, I like that shit.
Oddly enough, dude, you guys remember Love Line and shit?
Oh, yeah.
Dude, that helped me a lot.
Because I didn't have anybody to talk to about shit.
So I'd listen to that, and people would call in about their fucking.
Damn, I forgot about that.
A lot of their sexual problems, you know what I mean?
And I remember specifically driving home from work.
It was 11 o'clock at night that Love Line was on.
And I just happened to be listening to it on 98 Rock back in the day.
And some dude just was like, yeah, yeah, well, that's it.
And shit's weird for me now.
And I was like, literally listen to that whole thing.
That's the weirdest fucking thing to ever say that, like, that was like the thing that, like, finally put shit in perspective for me.
Like, all right, yeah, you're the way you are because of what happened to you.
Like, you didn't choose this.
You know what I mean?
Like, it, uh, like, shit like that, like, childhood trauma, like, wires your brain differently.
You know what I mean?
Uh, but, like, it took me years and years and years to be like, yeah, if that shit wouldn't have happened, I would be, like, the most boring, boring, like, you know what I mean?
Be normal.
Yeah, I would be some dude in Pinellas Park.
You know what I mean?
That, like, you would just still be in Pinellas Park and be another guy.
I moved to North St. Pete, motherfucker.
Yeah, the people that deal with the most fucking.
Up childhoods get dragged through the mud.
The best people, yeah.
They end up turning that around.
Everyone that I hang out with, dude, has like I can't tell you how many fucking chicks I know that are like the greatest people in the world that have like just fucking cutting scars all up their arms, you know what I mean?
And like will laugh at shit like that, you know what I mean?
And then you, like, I mean, you in this neighborhood, you meet fucking you know, Taryn and fucking Daniel and Bryce that all went to fucking Seminole High School that had a great life, you know what I mean?
They were like the greatest, richest kids in high school, and now look at them, they're fucking.
Boring, like just wearing their socks, pulling their dick out through their boxers, just boring fucking people.
Some guy Harvey bullshit motherfuckers.
Oh, God, I hate all of them, dude.
Coolest thing they ever had, man.
Uh, I had this dude who was like my like high school bully, like, or like my middle school bully.
This kid fucking, like, we were all little punk rock kids, you know what I mean?
But like, no one was, it wasn't cool yet.
I think we were like the last group of kids like that to where like it was a problem.
Now it's like, uh, like, you know, it's going through a goth phase.
It wasn't cool.
No, we were like, It was the thing that you had to still go find, you know what I mean?
Like, you had to, you know, burn CDs and shit.
Like, you know, you didn't have Pandora that you could just look up punk rock and it would play shit, yeah.
Like, uh, Lime Wire, yeah.
Uh, so like, this kid with me like all the time, uh, constantly like fucking spit on me and like fucking all kinds of shit.
He was just a really shitty fucking dude, uh, it's a fucking piece of shit with me all the time.
I fucking mashed this kid's face with a math book on the eighth grade field trip, that was fucking awesome.
Uh, kid spit on the back of my head and I just fucking like whacked him with a fucking math book.
Oh, he had it coming.
So like, years later.
I am at this bar on Tyrone Boulevard called the Doghouse.
It's where the Hamburger Marys is now.
It used to be this place called Doghouse, and they used to have like the fucking bangingest wings ever.
And I worked at the mall, so we'd always go across the street over there.
And I was dating a chick then, which I don't know how, like, I've fucked out of my league for the last 10 years.
I don't know how it's happened.
Like, I don't know.
I am not a good looking dude.
I am gross naked.
But, like, so I was with this chick at the time, and, like, she was a fuck.
She was hot, dude.
She was like a tatted up, like, fucking, like, just hot chick.
You know what I mean?
Hell yeah.
And, like, we're hanging out and shit, dude, and, like, Everything was cool and like she comes back and she's like some fucking dude just cornered me in the fucking hallway and like was like all over me like trying to get my fucking number and shit.
I'm like who who the fuck you know what I mean and she points him out I'm like oh my god I was like that motherfucker I won't use his like full name but his name was Steve and I was like that fucking dude was like my fucking high school bully you know what I mean I was like oh my god the tables have turned yeah and this dude looked like shit this dude was so like this dude was like Daytona bus stop lit on Oxy Yeah, I was like, oh god, this is gonna be great.
Oh, how the tables have turned, yeah.
And I'm like, oh, I just walk over and I'm like, what's up, man?
I was like, Steve, and he's like, oh my god, is that Roos?
Like, what's up?
And like, instantly starts talking shit, like, just like it's fucking like eighth grade all over.
What's going on?
You know what I mean?
And I was like, I was like, uh, it's like, no, you know, I was hanging out with you.
He's like, I was fucking chilling, like, you know, I cut lawns for a living now.
I'm like, really made something of yourself, Steven.
Yeah, I was like, man, you see that hot shit.
With the fucking, with the dragon tansy on her arm.
He's like, yeah, man.
He's like, I saw her in the hallway, man.
He's like, I'm totally going to fuck her later.
I was like, no, you're not, because that's my fucking girlfriend, you piece of shit.
I was like, you just tried to hit on my fucking girlfriend and got denied by fat fucking Kyle's boyfriend.
I was like, you fucking piece of shit.
I was like, I hope you fucking overdosed on Oxies.
And I threw him 20 bucks.
It was like, buy another 80 and fucking kill yourself.
I was like, fuck this.
And I went home and had the most gratifying sex of my life ever, dude.
Of all time.
Yeah, like, the whole, like, dude, it was like, Dude, it was like American Psycho, like arm up in the mirror.
Like, yeah.
Yeah.
So weird how shit comes back to that.
But this is one of those crowning moments that you're like, man, that fucking piece of shit just tried to hit.
Yeah, it was fucking great, dude.
Like, so glad that branch was eaten out by fucking termites, man.
So fucking glad.
I'm glad too.
There's so much cool shit that happened after that, dude.
Like, hell yeah.
Like, I have a hard time respecting people that have never dealt with depression.
Like, people are like depressed and, you know, like, they don't really, like, depression isn't just being sad.
Like, it's not like, what are you sad for?
I'm not fucking sad.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't want to get out of bed.
I haven't showered in three fucking days.
I feel weird.
I have no will to do anything.
And it's people don't understand it because now it's become this like cool thing.
Like, I have anxiety.
I'm sad.
Yeah, I have anxiety.
I'm like, yeah, do you get fucking nervous around people that you love?
You know what I mean?
Like, do you like literally like, like, they don't get it.
It's become this fucking, like, the self diagnosis shit is what really ruined it.
You know what I mean?
Like, Like, people now are like, I don't want to look them up on WebMD.
Like, I have stage four cancer.
Like, you know what I mean?
I think it's a bad bite, actually.
Yeah, I think you're hungover.
I need Adderall, Xanax, and some clotopins.
Adderall is.
You just need another Bud Light.
You don't need any of those.
I need a lot of shit.
Yeah, it's.
That's what's like.
And, like, that's why I respect people that are, like, that are fucked up, that, like, have shit, because, like, they think a lot.
Like, that's the problem, too, is, like, Like people that go through shit, like really think about shit.
And then you have people that things have always been perfect their whole fucking life.
You know what I mean?
Like you take fucking within a square fucking mile of where we're at right now in this neighborhood, there is some of the most privileged people in this fucking neighborhood.
Absolutely.
Like, people don't know that.
Like, like, I'm from Seminole, man.
I don't want to talk to you.
Oh, you went to Dixie?
Let's talk.
You know what I mean?
What's up?
Yeah.
But, yeah, like, you have some of the most privileged fucking people that have never been through shit.
You know what I mean?
Like, I got an iPhone 8, not an iPhone 9.
That's the hardest thing they ever went through.
Like, I always think back to, like, those, the Sweet 16 show that was on fucking MTV.
I was like, I wanted to escalate.
You know what I mean?
You got me a BMW piece of shit.
Oh, man.
But you're dead.
Did your dad ever choke you?
No?
Shut the fuck up, Stephanie.
It gets to the point now where I want bad things to happen to those people.
Yeah, I do.
I see these super.
You want them to suffer.
I do.
You know when you get cheated on?
You know what I mean?
You're like, I want to fuck your best friend.
I want you to hurt, too.
That's how I feel with some of these people when I see these fucking.
When I worked in the mall, dude, you would see these 18, 19-year-old fucking.
What's the fucking?
Eckhart College.
Yeah.
Eckhart College.
UT.
Oh, those fucking.
Boiled dipshits.
Yeah.
Like, you'd see them come in, you know what I mean?
And they just fucking, hey, listen to me, Mr. Tatman.
You're going to do what I want.
I'm like, God, I hope you get date raped like tonight.
Like, I hope, dude, I hope, like, fucking eight dudes in the Fubar bathroom just run through you.
Yeah.
I don't really want that to happen.
No, I don't want that to happen.
But, like, I just feel like it would humble them and make them better people to go through a real traumatic experience.
Because the worst thing that's ever happened to them is getting pickle on their fucking burger that they ordered.
No pickle.
Because they've never been through shit.
And I think that's why I respect people.
Yeah, so much that have been through shit because people that have been through shit shut the fuck up.
You know what I mean like nobody I know is bitching about like like all the shit that's going on right now like It's so funny because there's a bunch of people that have never been broke before They're like how am I gonna live?
You know what I mean?
I'm like how do I eat?
Yeah, uh Welcome to it, bro.
I used to roll change with my mom to pay our electric bill when my fucking dad well me and my dad finally got in like the last fight my mom finally left him.
You know what I mean like I remember rolling change with my mom to keep our electric on and it was some of the best times I ever had like Because, like, my dad wedged a lot of shit between me and my mom for years.
That's the other reason I was, like, really hesitant to talk to her about shit.
Because, like, he's that kind of person.
Like, that's how manipulative people are.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, if we're cool, you know what I mean?
And then, like, Luke comes along, you know what I mean?
Like, he fucks kids or something weird.
You know what I mean?
Like, you wedge relationships with people.
I don't.
You wedge relationships with people.
I don't.
Like, talking shit about your kid's mom.
Dude, it's psychology.
It's called wedging.
They literally, like, they break things in between.
Like, my kid's mom is very good at it.
You know what I mean?
It's like the constant, like, Yeah, like your dad treated me like shit.
Yeah, like or like yeah your fucking mom does this or that You have no idea what she's really like you are or like you know, she thinks you're a fucking failure You know, I mean and like you know, she really says about you.
Yeah, exactly like and that's what people do when they wedge in between people and they they ruin it.
I don't know if that's the actual term for it, but I know it's But yeah, it's but you fucking purposely selfish fuck relationships up.
Yeah, and it's to keep people apart not talking So that they never talk about you and discover who the fuck you really are.
That's what it is.
You know what I mean?
It's so like my kid's mom does that where like, uh, she'll like pull shit and like, you know, she'll like tell you like what an awful person like her dad is or like, uh, some other person is.
You know what I mean?
Because she doesn't ever want you to want to talk to them.
Because if you guys talk, you might actually like figure out what a piece of shit she really is and start comparing notes.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, uh, it's, so that's how my dad was and my mom, dude.
And like, that was like, A weird thing with us of working shit out was I didn't trust her because you have 10 years of him being like, well, she really thinks of you.
You know what I mean?
And shit like that.
And pushing that divide between the two of us.
So it was really hard to finally start talking to her.
When they finally split and like I went through like some broke fucking times, just me and my mom and my mom's mom, my grandma, little she was awesome.
Like, dude, rolling change for fucking to pay bills, like broke as fuck, you know what I mean?
Like, my dad made like all right money.
Like, I mean, we were like working middle class, we never like went without, you know what I mean?
But like when he left, it was like, oh shit, like, you know what I mean?
Like, we're eating fucking like, you know, like we got like the $2 steaks tonight, you know what I mean?
Those grisly bitches, you gotta beat first, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, it was weird, but like, it's humbling.
And like, that's what just annoys the fuck out of me is when, like, people that shouldn't bitch when they bitch about stuff, like, it just fucking boils my blood, dude.
Like, nobody likes to hear that shit.
No, dude, nobody does.
And that's why I just try not to bitch at all.
And like, that's why, like, when you meet people, like, I get super excited.
I'm like, oh my God, your uncle fucked you.
Let's hang out.
This dude's gonna have wild stories, right?
Like, even to, like, with, like, my wife.
Like, my wife's, like, I mean, her trauma is nowhere near mine, like, at all.
Like, nobody, like, fucking diddled her or anything, but she had, like, an abusive dad.
I think she had a verbally and abusive father.
You know what I mean?
Which is probably why she's with me because I could never be with somebody who didn't have some weird shit in their past.
You know what I mean?
Because I wouldn't want to be.
I would just be bored.
You know what I mean?
And that's the best part about comedy.
And that's why I think people are so much funnier when they go through shit because it just breaks that wall of giving a fuck.
You know what I mean?
Because that was torn down.
That wall of ever caring or ever having a normal life was gone before my first day at kindergarten.
It was gone.
You know what I mean?
There was never a fucking chance.
Pitching Reality TV Shows00:14:41
And there's a lot of people.
Like me, there's a lot of people that have that they haven't ever talked about, you know what I mean?
Like, uh, and they might not ever.
No, there's a lot of people that didn't make it either because of that type of because they found a better branch, yeah.
Uh, I bet of those funerals.
That was the funeral I met my kid's mom at, was a dude who hung himself.
Uh, like it's it's crazy.
Like, uh, do I ever want to be a motivational speaker?
No, you know what I mean?
But do I want to tell you, kind of are, yeah?
It's so weird, dude.
I don't want to be a preachy seminar, you know what I mean?
There's like different ways of preaching, you just tell your truth.
It's not like those guys, it's different, you know, yeah.
Like, I'm the dude, like, and like, I could.
Save four lives in like the corner of a shitty bar.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, it's good.
I'll save some lives tonight.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Or you can save six people in the bathroom at the Emerald.
Oh, yeah, right?
Oh, got it.
At least show them a good time.
There's a YouTube channel that has like a million subscribers, Zebra.
Zebra Corner, man.
You write for them?
Yeah, I'm one of the writers for them.
I didn't create it or anything.
It's my buddy Dave, my buddy Ollie, did it.
Okay.
What is it, like sketch comedy videos?
Nah, dude, have you ever seen any videos of like the dude Mock making fun of the Chevy commercials?
Just interjected into the videos.
Oh, yes, yes, that's that's even okay, huh?
You said maher, no, uh, no, it's like the actual like Chevy commercials, like the real people, not actors commercials.
So they green screen this character, Mack, is our buddy Dave, into all those like real people, not actors commercials, and uh, he's just an asshole.
The character's like a dick from Boston that is actually like a real person in these videos, you know what I mean?
So we did one that was uh, the impossible Whopper one, and all the people are like, Oh my god, this tastes just like real me.
He's like, That's fucking cardboard, like, you know what I mean, like just being real.
About it, this is slightly better than the sandwich I get to the horse track, like you know what I mean.
Uh, just talking shit, but like we literally just green screen him into these videos.
But uh, they're local dudes too, but they're like just about to hit a million subscribers, and it's like the funnest thing writing for them because I literally just get like a script, you know what I mean.
It's like over the year, like it's been like a year and a half, but it's fun now like writing with this character because like when you write, like you're like writing it and like his accent, like this is the way he'd say it, like this is his like dialect and shit.
I'm working on a thing with them that we just filmed last year called Florida.
Uh, my buddy Brian Bargainer's comic that I've fucking toured with for like years doing like.
Like dirt bar tours.
Like, dude, we would do like the shittiest cities.
We were on the road for like a month one time.
We like left here, went all the way out to Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
Damn.
And came back.
Lady in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, right after I got off stage, she goes, You talk too fast.
And I was like, You listen too slow.
Let me get my check and get the fuck out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
But me and this dude, Brian, a lot of his comedy, like mine, I do a lot of stuff about tattooing.
Brian does a lot of stuff about working at a liquor store because he's worked at a liquor store in East Hartford, Connecticut for years, which at one point was the heroin capital of the world.
He used to live in East Hartford.
This dude's got stories.
So me and him started like.
The show's called Florida, you said?
Yeah.
Okay.
We actually were just getting edits back of it now.
And.
We just filmed this pilot, but like he does a lot of shit about like, uh, like a lot of his like stand up was about like liquor store stories and shit.
And I do a lot of like tattoo stuff.
So we were like, yo, we should write like a, like a thing, you know what I mean?
Like where like you have a tattoo shop that's in the same plaza as like my liquor store.
I was like, it has to be like a shitty like Florida Haji Mart.
Like I was like, it has to be.
And then the idea was to take all the Florida man stories, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And write them to where they happen at the plaza and interject into our lives.
So like it's just Brian the fuck up, me the fucking.
Shitty tattoo artist and my buddy Ali working at his liquor store.
My character sells drugs that my brother in law, Dave, the crooked cop from New England, steals.
And then Ali is, he's actually Middle Eastern, but his character is like a first generation American born, like Americanized Middle Eastern dude that fucking hates working at a liquor store that he inherited because he's like, fucking, but he's like a failure to launch, you know what I mean?
But he like, it's like a, like, definitely like very hard, like, trailer park boys inspired, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Every show that you ever watch, like every bro comedy you've ever watched, like we pulled like little shits from it.
So, wait, you're filming a pilot?
We already did.
You filmed the whole pilot already?
Yeah.
So, RGS is going to post it on his YouTube channel?
Fuck no, dude.
We're trying to sell that shit.
What?
Yeah, I'll show you guys.
I'm not putting that shit out there.
Yeah, we want to see that.
Fuck no.
Who do you want to sell it to?
What's up?
Anybody that will pay for it, dude.
A lot of money.
I don't even want to.
No, dude, I don't even want to make money.
I want the opportunity to make six episodes of this.
That's all I want.
But you can make money on YouTube.
Yeah, you can, but like, not up front where people are just going to be like, here's money to go make this.
That's what we want.
Okay.
Like, I mean, I already make money like tattooing and fucking slanging dick jokes.
Like, yeah, that's fine.
This isn't like a money deal.
Yeah, like, I we don't want to have to think.
Like, I almost sold a show three years ago.
Uh, I had a few, you know, how many almost sold a shows I've heard in my life.
No, did you have a contract in their hand from Warner Brothers?
Uh, maybe, oh, yeah, dude.
I got to smell that freshly printed paper.
Oh, it sucked, man.
Uh, so I had this like manager, uh, a few years ago, dude, and like.
Pitched some shit as this production company that he knew that like It's like his wife's old friend or something.
This he was a fucking scumbag They didn't like the first thing I pitched to him.
They're like what about reality shows?
I'm like what about reality shows?
What fucking stupid?
Yeah, so I ate shrooms because that's what you do when you're trying to write TV Alone I fucking ate a eighth locked myself in my room and I was like fucking be somebody.
You know what I mean?
There's got to be a fucking idea in there somewhere and I watched a bunch of reality fucking TV.
Oh, because I never watched it And then I was like, oh my God, like, what if we do a show where I cover up people's exes' names and it's like divorce court?
So the whole idea was like, you know, you come in and you're like, I have Jessica on my arm.
The whole time I'm tattooing, you get to talk shit about what a bitch Jessica was.
You know what I mean?
And like, you know that stupid fucking reality TV moment where they go over to the mirror and there's the fucking stupid music and they have the reveal of their new tattoo.
And it's like, oh my God, you did it.
You know what I mean?
They did that show.
You're looking, no, they didn't do this.
It was a cover up tattoo show.
That one did exist.
That one was Tattoo Nightmares.
That was just like everything.
This was specifically X's names.
You know what I mean?
So, like, you come in, like, I fucking put a Grim Reaper over your baby mama's name, whatever the fuck it is.
You're looking at me like, oh my God, I'm so happy.
This bitch is behind me.
The curtain's open.
Who's here?
Jessica.
Let's hear her side of the story.
Sit down.
Yeah.
And then that's all it was.
That bitch.
We did it.
That bitch.
We filmed the most awful pilot ever, but pilots are dumb.
It's not even a pilot.
It's a proof of concept.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So we filmed this proof of concept.
Like a sizzle.
The pilot of any great show is usually pretty bad.
Yeah.
Not Breaking Bad.
Breaking Bad is great.
Walking Dead is pretty great too.
I take it back.
I've never seen either one of those shows.
I mean, I was too busy on the road to watch TVs.
You're too busy writing your own story.
Yeah, I used to always talk shit about people like that.
Output.
I was like, back in the day when you actually had to, like, 8 o'clock on Sunday, like, sit down and watch a show, I was like, I will never be such a boring, fucking bleak fucking motherfucker.
They're like, 8 o'clock, I gotta be home.
I need to watch my shows.
Yeah, fuck you.
You know what I mean?
Get a TiVo, you piece of shit.
Go live your life.
Watch on your turn.
I'll never let fucking TV guide fucking dictate when I'm home.
But yeah, we wrote this fucking sizzle, filmed it, and then they liked it.
I remember I got a call.
They were like, oh, they really like it.
And I was like, get the fuck out of here.
So, like, they.
This production company pitched it to Warner Brothers because they did Stage 13, which was this thing that Warner Brothers did a few years ago.
It was supposed to be their vice kind of thing.
You know what I mean?
They loved it.
They wanted to buy it.
They wanted to buy 120 minutes of content.
They were going to give me a three year talent deal with Warner Brothers, a 10K signing bonus.
You know what I mean?
And then an option to try to pitch some other shit to this fucking reality TV show.
And I was like, yeah, fuck it.
You know what I mean?
It's a break.
You know what I mean?
I'll take it.
Super stoked.
I was like, Mom, I made it.
You know what I mean?
They're going to buy this.
You know what I mean?
Within the hour that I call my mom crying, I fucking did it.
You know what I mean?
Within that hour, my manager at the time gets in a screaming match with the production company because he wants to be EP.
And they're like, You're a fucking talent manager.
You have no TV experience, whatever.
Why the fuck would we give you an EP credit?
And he goes, Fuck you.
We're no deal.
And like, What do you mean no deal?
And yeah, burnt the whole fucking thing down.
Because the whole industry is such a fucking shit clown show.
Dude, yeah.
Managers are.
Don't like they're fucking leeches, dude.
Agents are the fucking like dude the way this whole thing is now, dude.
Like agents in LA, dude, are just fucking rich kids that like just fucking like sit around.
Yeah, and all they do is they're like, oh, so you've worked really hard and made something to yourself with your YouTube or you have a million followers now.
I'm gonna take 15% to book you now.
Yeah, and people that could do it themselves.
It's not like the 80s when like these motherfuckers so many of them.
Yeah, but it's not like the 80s when people went to like clubs and were like, this dude's a talent.
We're gonna like sign them and groom them and like do things.
You know what I mean?
Like, in order to make it now, like, dude, rap, fucking, like, if you're in a band, if you fucking play the ukulele, whatever the fuck you do, if you act, do comedy, you have to already make it on your own on the internet before an agency or anybody will even look at you.
Oh, for sure.
So, like, fuck them, right?
Like, those are also people.
I would like a second holocaust of just Hollywood agents.
You know what I mean?
The problem with the Hollywood, the TV and Hollywood shit is just.
Fuck, dude, they're all leeches, man.
Fuck them.
And they're all old.
And they're all old suit wearing motherfuckers who everything that they do is depicted by advertising and every decision they make.
Yeah, it comes from advertising money.
Don't listen to comedy, who don't listen to fucking music, who don't watch movies.
They don't care.
No, they're fucking awful people, dude.
They're so terrible, man.
And like, that's why, like, we're like, fuck this.
Like, we want to do this shit on our own.
Like, if somebody wants to buy it and like pay us to do it, that's what I'm saying.
You should put it on YouTube.
Yeah, but like, the whole thing that you do, you know, like, fucking things are already out there like this.
Like, a scripted show isn't like a YouTube thing.
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah, we want to make right sketches.
Cool.
You know what I mean?
But no one, like, YouTube, dude, people watch two minute videos.
Dude, remember Vine?
That's not true.
Bros of Simi Valley?
Dude, for them, people watch three hour podcasts.
They say they do.
You know what I mean?
Like, Like, no one really listens to Rogan.
They watch the clips.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's.
But yeah, people like us do.
His palatial estate would say otherwise, I think.
But yeah, like, people like us, like, I'll listen to a whole fucking podcast.
You know what I mean?
I'll watch, like, a fucking, like, fucking weird documentary about some shit I'm not even into just because it's hilarious.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Of course, birds are battery powered, you know?
Yeah.
Obviously.
But, like, the masses, I'm talking about, like.
But, like, the masses of people don't do that.
I think more people watch longer stuff, though, on YouTube than they do shorter stuff.
More people, like, Us, you have to forget that the people that are really out there, like the fucking you know what I mean.
Like, there's a lot of people like us.
Come on, have some faith in humanity.
It's hard, I know.
It was like you were saying on Dr. Drew, yeah.
Somebody saying something that specific that really reached out to you.
There's, but I didn't listen to that because I wanted to.
That was just a lucky thing where I just happened to be in my car and now you have an algorithm to spoon feed you these sorts of things that you could be putting out there, yeah.
Uh, but like, I just don't, we just don't want to do YouTube with this.
I mean, we might like, uh, but like, I mean, I'm not saying it has to be YouTube, I'm just saying like, find figure out something where you can put it out there and.
And well, we are the other thing is we already have we have two production companies before we even started this that were like, Yeah, I just know so many people who've including myself who've been in this position for so long and they just wait and they wait and they wait and they have something so great and they just don't put it out because they think they're gonna hit that fucking pot of gold.
Oh, we're not gonna wait.
Somebody's just gonna show up, like, Yeah, you made it.
Here you go.
Exactly, you have permission to be successful now.
We already have like people in place that are like that they're gonna like pitch it and like we already talked about like they have like an X amount of time to like pitch to the people they want to and then we will like put it out on YouTube.
And then try to sell fun like a couple episodes after that.
We just don't want to do that like right away.
You know what I mean?
Like for sure.
We're not like, you don't want to waste it.
I'm excited to see it, honestly.
I will show you.
I can't wait for it.
Or fucking see the pilot.
I will show you.
It's, it's a, how long is the pilot?
I think 11 minutes.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's, uh, it's super fucking Florida.
It's like everything about you.
Oh, that sounds sick.
So like, yeah, they were like, uh, they shot down our first episode.
Uh, the, we wanted to do an episode about a baby stuck in a hot car.
The windows are cracking.
It's favorite new thing.
And us trying to get it out, but, uh, That's good.
It ends up just being like the plaza prostitute blowing a midget.
So they're like, maybe not for the first one.
And they're like, yeah, by the way, your only female is a prostitute.
You guys need another strong female.
We're like, no, the prostitute's not even a female.
It's a tranny.
It's a dude.
And they're like, what?
And they're like, yeah, but the whole joke is that we're like, that's a lady.
And other people keep misgendering her, but we're super.
That's a fucking lady.
But it's clearly like a dude with a dick and a five o'clock shadow.
And their production company was like, you guys are fucking wild.
I love this.
So, yeah, we had to write like another character.
And so we wrote like a strong female that's like a piercer.
You know what I mean?
And like she's like the funniest.
Like, my wife played it in the pilot because like she fucking gets drugged into everything.
Like, hey, we need a chick to play this and nobody else wants to be around us.
Spit some lines.
But yeah, it's fucking rad.
It's fun as fuck.
So we ended up going with the zombie face eater from like the Haitian dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everyone knows that story.
So we rewrote it to where we're the ones that sold him the basalts.
Yeah.
We're like ignorant to it.
And like, we stock aromatherapy crystals, not knowing where they are.
And then, like, the piercer chick's the one that ends up like breaking it.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, what bass all?
What the fuck are bass all?
It's like Chinese meth.
I'm like, what fucking loser would sell that?
Like, oh, fuck, we did.
You know what I mean?
And then, yeah, long story short, like, our shop bum, like, eats my buddy's face off in the parking lot.
Oh, the shop bum.
I can't wait to see that.
This is the pilot?
Yeah, I'll show it to you guys when we're done.
That sounds sick.
Hell yeah.
But yeah, it's fucking, it was like the funnest thing that we ever did.
Like, I've never had to, like, act before.
You know what I mean?
Unless you're counting, like, you know, not telling your teacher that your sister beats the shit out of you.
Maybe I would be a good actor.
But yeah, it was fucking weird.
Like, I have to play myself, but it was so weird to just be like, okay, just be yourself.
You know what I mean?
As soon as the camera's on, you're like, hey, what's up, guys?
It's so fucking weird, dude.
Like, acting's not hard.
Like, I just don't think I could cry on command.
Like, I'll respect those people.
My job is so hard.
I'm an actor.
I'm like, you're not a writer.
You just read lines that other people wrote for you and happen to have a nice face.
Go fuck yourself.
You know what I mean?
Like, we purposely wanted to cast, like, a bigger chick for, like, the chick role.
Being Cast As An Asshole00:02:18
Cause, like, they were, like, really good strong female.
You know what I mean?
And, like, my friend Hillary from North Carolina is one of the fucking funniest comics.
She was in that Netflix movie Dumplin' with Jennifer Aniston.
And we were like, when I met her, you know what I mean?
I was like, yo, what's Jennifer Aniston smell like?
Cookies?
I just feel like I see her and I just.
It's got to be pleasant.
Yeah, like freshly baked cookies or potpourri.
She's just.
Potpourri.
Goddamn angel.
But I want her.
Is she married to Brad Pitt?
Did they get back together?
I hope so.
I don't know.
They deserve each other.
I can't keep up.
They're fucking awesome for a.
However, as old as she is, though, no.
51.
Amazing.
I get my snippets of her and Brad Pitt's life whenever I check out at Publix.
Yeah, Star Magazine.
Yeah.
But yeah, we were like, so the production company was like, we need a strong female person.
They're like, hey, maybe a looker.
We're like, fuck you.
A looker.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, because that's how fucking all those fucking scumbag people are.
You know what I mean?
They'll take some chick that can't act, that can read lines, that has a hot ass.
You know what I mean?
Like, hey, you're going to stay at my house?
I'm the producer.
Yeah, like you think Scarlett Johansson's really talented?
No, she's just good looking.
Like, dude, a lot of those people, like fucking Robert Downey Jr., is only because of who his dad was.
You know what I mean?
Like, we wouldn't know who Ben Stiller was if it wasn't for Jerry Stiller because Jerry Stiller had talent.
You know what I mean?
Ben Stiller is just okay.
So, like, we were like, yeah, fuck you guys.
Like, so we were like, no, we want to fucking cast like a chick that's not like your fucking normal bullshit, like little skinny, trampy chick.
So, like, it just didn't even click.
And I'm like, fucking doing blow in a bathroom with fucking Hillary and fucking North Carolina.
Like, Jennifer Anston, did you get to see your underwear?
Like, just be a fucking asshole.
Like, oh my God, you should play this part if we ever get a chance to do this.
Oh my God.
And she was like, she was so funny because she was like, she's like, yeah, she's like, I always feel like they always like cash it.
And she even said, like, her role in that movie Dumplin, she's like, they only cast me because I was a fat girl.
She's like, that's what they wanted.
They wanted, like, that, like, not hot.
Like, she's so fucking, she's like, they casted me because of that's, like, the character they wanted for.
And I was like, I was like, I'm not trying to cash you because you're fat.
I'm trying to cash you because, like, I want you to get a job that they would give to somebody else that wouldn't.
Fucking deserve it because she's fucking hilarious.
She's the best person for the job.
Choosing Your Own Path00:15:22
Like, it's just, uh, I fucking hate that it happens all the time.
Like, you get like people like women aren't funny.
Women are fucking hilarious, dude.
Some of the funniest comics I know are women, dude.
Uh, when the fuck are comedy clubs gonna open back up, dude?
When are you gonna get back into it?
Hopefully, never, dude.
I'm hoping to stall bar shows from now on, bro.
I hope they all burn down.
Fucking hate them.
Two drink minimum fucking assholes.
Well, you gotta get back at it, dude.
You were fucking on a tear for a while, dude.
I miss it so bad, dude.
Like, I'm just sitting at home writing shit, dude.
Like, yeah.
There's so much shit I can't wait to talk about, dude.
Like, it's fucking sitting at home.
Like, I've talked a lot of shit about long guys.
You got anything you want to try out?
Yeah, let's talk about this one.
I spent a lot of time talking shit about long guys the last couple of years.
I'm like, it's fucking, you made a career out of what I used to do for $10 for my grandma.
You fucking loser.
You know what I mean?
Like, how do you just quit and go, you know what?
I'm going to cut grass.
You know what I mean?
Like, do you have no fucking try and you didn't, you know, you're just a long guy.
You weren't even like, you know what?
I'm going to get a chainsaw and cut a tree down.
There's no fucking do in their life.
I've, Talk so much shit about lawn guys.
And then this whole thing happens.
I'm at home, losing my business, broke, just listening to fucking lawnmowers all day.
Just talking all day, just some guy out, feed my family.
You wanted to be an artist, you piece of shit, man.
I don't know if you know this.
The sound a lawnmower makes is actually really fucking fast.
If you're at home and depressed, it just sounds like some fucking white trash dude cashing checks that you're not.
It sucks.
I fucking hate it, dude.
I really ate crow with that one, like almost literally because I couldn't afford food.
Like I was about to probably start having to actually eat crows.
Yeah, that's.
I want to talk about that and how much shit I've talked about labor people because, like, I kind of got on a hind.
My dad was a labor dude.
You know what I mean?
And I watched that dude struggle, and that was like something I was like, I'm never gonna fucking be that dude.
You know what I mean?
I'm never gonna like, and like it's true, some of the happiest people in the world come home fucking smelling like fucking BO every day.
You know what I mean?
But like, I just, I like, I wonder if those people just never tried to do what they really wanted to.
You know what I mean?
Because you always meet some guy, like, what are you doing?
I've worked on ACs for 30 years, I've provided for my family.
You're like, all right, cool.
Yeah, the guy does like AC work, but what'd you really want to do?
And you find out this dude builds like the greatest bird houses ever.
You know what I mean?
It was because, like, oh, I actually, I'm a simp.
Anthony fucking pianist.
He's a treehouse master.
You know what I mean?
Like, I go home at 99 playing fucking Beethoven on the piano, and you find this dude's fucking wicked good at piano, but he never fucking tried to do it.
Dude, George Bush Jr.
Perfect example.
Have you seen that dude's paintings?
If his family, dude, his paintings are fucking great.
It almost makes up for all the war crimes.
It does.
It almost makes up for 9 11.
It almost makes him like a bummer.
I think you should start painting the Iraqi kids that we drone struck.
Oh, fuck.
I think you should start painting the Iraqi kids that we drone struck.
Oh, fuck.
I think you should start painting him then.
He's just got the towers crumbling down.
That dude's like the perfect example.
I had no idea he was.
Painter, dude, they're great, like they're really good.
But that is the perfect example of why you just don't do what your parents tell you to do and what other you know what I mean.
That dude didn't want to be a fucking oil baron or fucking president, you know what I mean.
That dude wanted to fucking smoke weed, drink Bush Lite, and do cocaine and paint.
Hell yeah.
And if fucking Barbara Bush and fucking George Sr. would have just been like, Hey, have fun in the basement with your paintings, faggot.
Like, we wouldn't have went to fucking Iraq and killed all those people because he would have just been painting like, Man, we shouldn't blow people up.
But that's the whole thing is like, just like the fact that I can pay my bills.
Like, I think the same thing would have happened to Hitler if he would have followed through with his paintings.
I don't know.
That's the deepest.
This is recorded.
Maybe he would have been a nicer guy.
I don't know.
I think what really fucked Hitler up was World War I. You know what I mean?
Because he was like, like, you'd think like that dude was like in war.
You know what I mean?
That dude was like a, that dude was like the dude you see at Time Out trying to fight everybody with fucking PTSD.
That dude is no different than the dudes at Rudy's that are like, fucking, you kneel up.
Crush your fucking hair, dude.
What are you doing?
Take off your face mask.
Take off your face mask.
I have to write this down.
I'm so sorry.
I think that's such a funny idea of like, that's what Hitler really was.
He was an artist.
Dude, he, I mean, yeah, he was an artist, but I mean, like, you think about that dude was a dude who was fucked up for more, just like the people that we know now, like the dudes with that shitty square fucking police haircut.
Haircut and the Hawaiian t shirt.
And it's sad, too, because they're just people with PTSD that like never got it, like, dealt with.
You know what I mean?
But then it's a dude like that that got into power.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's all it is.
Like, you imagine if we took some, like.
Dude, some guy just got shot like two days ago in Missouri or something for.
They wouldn't let him on a bus because he wasn't wearing a mask.
Yeah.
So he fucking shot the bus driver.
Yeah.
Exactly.
That's insane.
Retarded, dude.
I can't.
What a perfectly waste of shooting someone.
Some other dude was in a liquor store in Texas and the late.
It was a lady clerk at the liquor store wouldn't let him check out because he wasn't wearing a mask.
So he fucking punched her in the face.
There's a Dollar General in.
Michigan liquor.
Where that happened too.
Like, dude walked in.
That might be the one that I'm thinking of.
They're like, you need to wear a mask.
He's like, fuck you.
Like, yeah, but that's all Hitler was, man.
Hitler was a fucking like, if you took one of these, I ain't not knocking a shit about him, but if you took some kid that went to fucking Iraq in 03, you know what I mean, and comes back, you know what I mean?
He's a fucking buzz cutty, fucking don't tread on me, fucking war dude, and you put that dude in power, that dude would start exterminating Muslim people.
That's all Hitler was.
Hitler was just a fucking dude with a bad haircut that was jaded from war, that got a position of power that should never get a position of power.
That's a weird thought.
I'm going to write that down.
I fucking hate those dudes so much.
But what I've noticed is that most people that come back from serious battle aren't really like that.
No.
Oh, man.
That's a whole other conversation I would love to have with a buddy of mine that was over there.
And he's like, Yeah, I saw some shit.
It's fucked up.
You know what I mean?
He goes, But he's like, The loudest ones that come back are like, You know what I mean?
He's like, Not all of them.
You know what I mean?
He's like, But you meet people that were like over there and shit.
And he's like, You know, there's people like me that came back.
They're like, You know, He's like, I fucking wake up screaming in Arabic sometimes.
Like, shit happens.
You know what I mean?
I fucking killed a few kids, whatever.
Yeah.
And like, but like, yeah, but then there's the, like, the look at me.
Like, I had some fucking dude one time.
There's the guys that are just looking for attention.
Yeah, I get it.
I mean, I know you shouldn't talk shit about them because, like, God forbid you say anything fucking negative about them.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, it was your fucking choice.
You know what I mean?
Like, you chose to go.
Like, yeah.
We weren't forced.
It's not fucking, you know, fucking North Korea where you fucking go in the fucking military.
You know what I mean?
It's not a draft.
The shitty part is, like, the fucking, how, like, the fucking.
Uh, the recruiters prey on kids, you know what I mean?
That was like one of the greatest things that, like, I know a lot of people don't like Michael Moore.
Michael Moore has done some cool shit.
Like, I love where, uh, he was like, fucking, he was in Michigan and all the recruiters were at like the dirt mall on the black side of town, trying to get those kids to go to.
And he's like, Hey, why don't you go to the mall on the other side of town?
Like, yeah, no, they'd kick us out of there.
They don't want us fucking like poaching your fucking little like white upper middle class kids into go to the military.
They want the fucking poor ones to go.
Like, and that's that's the truth of the military.
They fucking pry, like, uh, First time I went to the town, my kid's mom's, or not my kid's mom, fuck her.
Wouldn't go anywhere with her.
My wife.
First time I went with my wife to the little fucking piss hole fucking corn town in the middle of Illinois that she's from, it bummed me the fuck out because every dude that I met there all went to the military.
Not because they wanted to, because they were like, I'm either going to fucking work in a cornfield.
It's a way to get out of where you're at.
And they're all so fucked up now.
Like all six of the people that live in this town.
Like, you know what I mean?
They all.
Graduate high school, they all went and like, why are they so fucked up, dude?
From fucking liquefying kids in a tank, you know what I mean?
That shit will fuck with you, you know.
And like, they're all so fucked up from that shit, and they're just like every night sitting in this fucking bar.
It sucks because like they had no, like, that was their choice.
It was like, am I gonna go work at the fucking factory and hate my life?
The army, yeah, I'm gonna go in the fucking army, get out of this town, yeah.
And like, now they're just stuck there, dude.
And it's sad as fuck, dude.
It's so like, it just, it, it.
It boggles my fucking mind that like people still are like, yeah, fucking.
So you gotta follow your dreams.
Yeah.
Give it a shot.
Yeah.
And that's what I get fucking so pissed off.
Like, I've met people that like, that's the hidden talent thing.
Like, you meet somebody like, you know, you don't know that they're like, you know, whatever it is, fucking cross stitch or whatever you do.
Whatever the fuck you do.
You know what I mean?
Like, you meet some people like, you know, like some, you know, I had no idea that that dude like, you know, was that good.
Made airplanes out of beer cans.
Like, those are really good beer airplanes.
You know what I mean?
Sell them at the fucking flea market.
Make money off of that.
Stop fucking plumbing, dipshit.
You know, like, evade taxes.
Make your own money.
Like, fuck this.
Do what you love, dude.
Yeah.
Like, and that was like, I wanted to be like the whole reason I wanted to be a paralegal is fucking shitty as it sounds.
The whole reason I wanted to fucking become an attorney is to like help people that like were getting fucked over.
You know what I mean?
Like I like SLC punk as fuck was like, I'm gonna do more damage in the system.
You know, like I literally was like, yeah, I'm gonna be a fucking ACLE like an ACLU attorney and like help people that are getting fucked over and like do shit and like really fucking change things.
But like that's never gonna happen.
No one's ever gonna change shit.
Not me.
You know what I mean?
I'm just a dude who, uh, I can't even pick the right branch on a tree to kill myself.
Oh, I can't.
Fucking change the world, you know?
Bring it back.
Oh, my gosh.
Just a bunch of white trash losers from Pinellas County.
But I think we'd be the perfect people to storm the fucking.
If, like, pitchfork time came.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, we'd be.
I'm staying in.
If pitchfork time ever.
No, I wouldn't be there either.
You know what I mean?
I'm staying in.
All I'm saying is it would be Floridians.
You know what I mean?
Honestly, I don't think it would.
I think it'd be somewhere in the Midwest.
Michigan.
Somewhere where.
Michigan's out and they're running right now.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
The three percenters.
Texas.
Texas.
Oh my god.
Florida's definitely gonna be fucked up.
Everybody's at the beach.
Yeah, we're all chilling.
Well, where we are at least.
Yeah.
Not on.
Yeah, this ain't St. Cloud.
Not on State Road 60.
Yeehaw Junction.
Yeehaw Junction.
How long do you think those militia people would actually last in a fight against the actual militarized police?
I think they'd give up as soon as the police showed up.
Day tops, dude.
Nah, some people would die.
Nah, it wouldn't be like another Waco.
I think it would.
Why?
You think like 60 days?
Waco?
Yeah, I mean, Waco wasn't that long.
It was like 51 days, right?
It was like 51 days.
Well, you just watched the documentary.
No, we just watched it on FBI.
Yeah, I watched it.
It was a great show.
It was good.
It was really good.
Every documentary.
That was wild, man.
I love that they focus on his guitar playing.
Yeah, he does play some fucking sick guitars.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, like BC Riches hanging out while he was preaching.
Yeah, like the best mullet ever, too.
Oh, yeah.
He looked like if Chuck Schuldner was like a Christian preacher, and I really appreciated it.
It was a good show.
I love when you talk to like right wing people about that.
Like, yeah, the ATF and shit totally fucked up all that shit.
They're like, that guy was just a dude just living his life.
He wasn't fucking voting.
He was living his life and having tons of wives.
Except for the kids he was fucking dealing with.
Yeah, the illegal guns he was selling.
Yeah.
Dude, I just, I went on a fucking tyrant the other night about like 51 days.
Election year shit.
You know what I mean?
Here we are again.
Woohoo.
And like, I had a friend of mine try to, I was like, I'm not fucking voting.
Fuck that shit.
You know what I mean?
They're like, you have to.
You have to go fight.
You gotta do it.
Like, every person who doesn't vote or votes for a party, it's a vote for Trump.
That's exactly what my mom tells me.
Good.
And they're like, you have to go vote for Biden.
I'm like, seriously?
If you don't vote for whoever is telling you to go vote, then you're wrong.
I'm getting fucked up about it.
I'm voting for Justin Amash.
I'm gonna vote for you, dude.
I'm writing in Kyle Ruth.
Kyle Ruth.
Dude, I would be a great president, dude.
I would legalize drugs, fire everyone, and quit.
First thing you should do, fuck all you.
You got my vote so fast.
Yeah, a friend of mine was like, You have to vote for Biden.
I was like, I can't believe it.
I was like, You coming, me of all people, like somebody who went through some fucked up shit.
Like, you want me to vote for the dude who like open mouth kisses boys and like he does all sorts of creepy ass shit.
Yeah, they're like, That's just that's just that's just editing.
Yeah, fuck you.
That is not editing creepy.
I know that guy.
Like, I've seen that guy.
Up with that, yeah.
No, that dude, like, I don't know.
I'm saying that dude's fucking Trump.
Look good, yeah, dude.
I love the like, which rapist are you gonna vote for?
Yeah, right?
I'm just gonna sit this one out.
Have you heard Howard Stern talk about Trump, dude?
He fucking hates him, dude.
Yeah, but he used to love.
Him, man, yeah, I know that's like I love him as a friend.
I mean, he was a great guy, he's been to my wedding or whatever.
But uh, when uh, he asked me to come speak at uh, his inaugural, his presidential inauguration, he Howard was like almost gonna do it and talk about Hillary because he loves Hillary, but he's like, I can't because Trump was so good to me and we were had such a good friendship.
How great would have been it was Howard Stern would have showed up as fart man?
Oh my god, yeah, yeah, that would have been the show.
Oh god, I don't even like talking about politics with anybody anymore.
I don't know enough about it to talk about it.
I read a lot about shit and keep a very open mind about stuff.
Just because with comedy, you kind of have to know what's going on.
You got to know what the fuck's going on in the world to talk about shit.
You know what I mean?
You can't be going on stage being like, yeah, so Waco, right?
People are like, what is that?
If the series didn't just come out, people wouldn't be like, what happened there?
But yeah, it's fun to talk about it.
I mean, I don't necessarily do political humor.
There's people that are very good at political humor.
I'm not one of those people.
But like you have to stay up on that shit and it's so crazy, like everything's so politicized now, like even comedy, you know what I mean.
Like you, these like preachy, like 21 year old kids that like will go up and like just do fucking.
Like literally like comedy has become.
Trump set up punchline.
They want nothing to do with that.
Like I want nothing to do with and honestly, if that's all you're doing, it's too easy.
You can make fun of that dude constantly.
Yeah, he's an easy fucking target.
You can just repeat what he says word for word and it turns into a joke.
He is funny as fuck.
The shit he says is pure comedy most.
Oh my god, that shit he says is so fucking funny.
Yeah, I love the people that like they won't admit, like, they won't even be like, Yeah, he's funny, even if you don't like him.
They're like, Yeah, fuck him.
Everything he does is awful.
You know what I mean?
Uh, it's from China, China, China, Rog, like, it's so good, dude.
I like, dude, the story Daniels thing was awesome.
Like, I loved when all that was going on.
Yeah, that was good.
My favorite part about the whole story Daniels thing, I just like calling out people on their and the whole story Daniels thing was going on.
Mocking Donald Trump Constantly00:02:40
You had a bunch of like 300 pound dudes that probably bowl in a Tuesday night.
Handicap League talking, she's like, ah, Stormy Daniels, that dirty bitch.
You know what I mean?
Like, they wouldn't fuck her.
She's so gross.
Oh my god, that didn't even happen.
I'm like, you're making fun of somebody that's like top tier porn star while you go and fuck somebody from the BBW amateur section.
Shut up, Frank.
Fuck you.
It was just so funny, dude.
Like, from the fucking American Legion.
Yeah, dude, yeah.
There's some dudes in the fucking American Legion with this fucking pig and lipstick.
Oh my god, Stormy Daniels is gross.
I'd never put it in her.
I'd much rather go home and Fucking fist you betty.
Yeah, right.
Get your fucking priorities straight, dude.
Like, that's the funniest.
You don't even need politics to shit on politics.
No.
Because there's no A to B anymore.
I always thought that was an incredible, like, excuse for why somebody wasn't sexually abusing somebody.
It's like, well, look at them.
Yeah, no.
Why would they touch them?
Dude.
How is that an excuse for it to not happen?
Because people don't realize that people get abused that are vulnerable.
Yeah, they're not.
It's not a looks thing, you know what I mean?
Uh, it's not, it's a vulnerability thing, you know what I mean?
Uh, it really is like kids that get preyed on, dude.
That's why it's always the camp counselor that, like, they know, like, you know what I mean?
Like, when they bring in the new class of fresh, whatever, yeah, the camp counselor sees, like, all right, let's line up for dodgeball.
They're not lining up for dodgeball, that camp counselor's like, I'm fucking you at retreat.
I'll see you.
You ever tried wine, Billy?
Yeah, and that's, that's, it's not a, it's not a looks thing.
Imagine being so good of a pedophile that you could like be like, eh, that one's not really my type.
Oh my god.
You're some sommelier for a pedophile?
Yeah.
Oh, that little fat for my taste.
Was that a gap in your teeth, Billy?
When are you getting braces?
Maybe next summer.
Get your shit together.
Is anybody still watching this thing?
We got any live guys?
42 people.
Kyle Roberts is still.
Is he still watching?
Kyle Roberts is still watching.
What I am?
Shout out to Kyle.
Fucking member.
He just commented, quote, she's too ugly to rape, unquote.
That is awful.
Put that on my tombstone.
Your lies, Kyle.
She was too ugly to rape.
Dude, we just did like three hours almost.
Yeah.
That was fucking solid.
Holy shit.
So, where can people that watch this find you on social media and the interwebs?
My Twitter is KyleRoose.
Quitting Dabbling To Succeed00:05:02
That's always fun.
Don't follow my Facebook because there's way too many people on that.
Too many people?
Yeah, it's at the like 5K thing and I'm too lazy to make one of those fan pages.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I fucking.
Don't friend me on Facebook.
I have an iPhone 5, dude.
I hate social media.
I wouldn't even do it if I didn't have to for comedy and tattooing and shit.
But yeah, my Instagram is BNDK727.
Can't get into what that means.
But yeah, my Instagram, that's all tattoo stuff and screenshots and Twitter jokes and shit.
Follow me on Twitter.
Your Twitter's funny.
You're really active on Twitter.
I have no followers.
Every once in a while I'll post something.
I'm like, oh, three people didn't like that and they unfriended me.
Yeah.
But yeah, Twitter's a blast, dude.
Hell yeah.
Follow me on Twitter whenever clubs open up.
Come see me do shows.
Sick.
What do you like better, tattooing or comedy?
That's an awful question.
What do you like better, blowjobs or pussy?
You don't have an answer.
They're both good?
Yeah, they're both really rad.
Have you ever thought about doing comedy while you're tattooing?
Yeah, dude.
Everybody always says that.
They're like, oh, my God, you should do comedy while you're tattooing.
I'm like, why don't you fuck off and let me just do it?
I don't want to do that.
You want to fuck up a tattoo.
Don't tell me what to do.
Yeah, I just feel like that would be the most cliche thing ever.
Yeah.
You know, it'd be really funny if your mom told jokes while she was baking.
I don't do that shit.
I know.
I do stand up because I do stand up and I like tattooing because it's tattooing.
Like, I do both when I go on the road, dude.
Like, that was like when I realized, oh, shit, you could do both.
Like, I'm in fucking Portland, Maine this weekend.
You know what I mean?
Doing fucking comedy.
I'm going to tattoo all my shit.
And you can tattoo.
Yeah.
And that's where, like, a lot of comics fucking hate me because they're like, we're this fucking bullshit fucking gig.
I only made 100 bucks.
I'm like, I'm like 400 bucks tattooing today.
Right.
Let's go get a steak.
Hell yeah.
Fucking losers.
You know the whiskey.
Dude, you know how many times I've been on the road with like comics that have like remote jobs?
You know what I mean?
And like, they're like, I'm like, yo, let's go out.
And they're like, oh, I gotta work tomorrow.
I'm like, oh, that's right.
You gotta sign into your fucking stupid fucking bank job.
You know what I mean?
And fucking, you know, crunch numbers, you piece of shit, because you never tried to make something to yourself.
You know what I mean?
Well, I still do comedy.
I'm like, well, if you were good at it, you wouldn't have to fucking do your dumb bank job.
I'm gonna go drink till four and go tattoo fucking fat girls tomorrow.
Quit dabbling.
Hell yeah.
Tattoo a couple buttholes tomorrow.
Yeah.
That's it.
Quit dabbling.
Just dive right into it.
Yeah.
I mean, that's it.
Make it happen.
I think it was Doug Stanov that said, he's like, you should fucking do whatever you love until you start getting paid for it.
He's like, whatever it is, fucking acoustic guitar.
Like, that's the biggest fuck you that you could ever do to the world.
You should do whatever you love until you start getting paid for it?
Yeah, you should just do what you do until you're good enough at it to where you're getting paid for it.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Like, when you get paid, stop?
No, fucking keep fucking going.
But the whole point was that, like, you can make anything a fucking job.
You know what I mean?
Like, how many fucking white girls with dreads have Etsy stores that have more money than all of us right now because they sell fucking trinkets and, like, Yeah.
You want to buy like crystals?
You know what I mean?
Like, that's a career.
You know what I mean?
Like, people want to trade their dreams for security.
My wife.
Literally goes to fucking Goodwill and buys clothes because she knows, like, what shit she's looking for.
Yeah.
And then she sells it to fucking rich white girls that are too lazy to go shopping on fucking Poshmark.
That's sick.
Yeah.
That's a hustle, man.
That's a thing you could do.
Like, yeah.
Like, people are like, I don't know what I want to do.
Like, dude, if I could do anything in the past, I would go back and I would kick myself in the dick when I decided to take a student loan to go to college because I thought that was the only way out.
Like,.
It's fucking stupid.
You know how many people I know with bachelor's degrees that are like, you wait till Starbucks opens again?
So many of them.
And they're not even good at making coffee.
It's fucking shit, dude.
You guys fucking do this.
Don't work hard.
Don't work hard.
We're all going to die.
It's fucking stupid.
Full transparency, though, I do have a bachelor's degree.
Yeah, and what?
Fine arts.
Fine arts.
Focus in graphic design.
And so does she.
And so does Steve.
I don't give a fuck.
I mean, college works for some people.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, if you're a doctor, college was just like an excuse to like play in Photoshop for four years.
Yeah.
Like, it's, but like, I feel like it's that forced upon thing of like, if you don't go to college, you're not going to be anything.
Yeah.
Like, it's, it's that or long time.
Yeah.
It's, uh, it's the fucking world we live in.
That's the saddest part about all of this is like, and that's the weirdest thing.
Like, I get so mad at like my friends.
Uh, I have a buddy who's a really good cook that, uh, just doesn't do anything.
And that's what makes me so mad.
It's like, yeah, I fucking pay my bills telling dick jokes and tattooing.
And you work at a bar cooking wings.
Like when you could work at a really good restaurant, but you just never try.
Like, fucking go do it.
Yeah.
Stop.
Some people are that do that, like, exactly what you're talking about right now, when they're really good at something, but they don't want to do it enough to where they can make money at it or actually go somewhere with it, is they want it to be too perfect.
Getting Mad At Lazy Friends00:02:42
Yeah.
They don't want to release it out to the world, like, because they're afraid of the criticism.
Oh, yeah.
And this dude's got it too easy.
He gets to smoke weed in the walk in.
Yeah.
He's got a burger named after him.
He's made it.
You know what I mean?
They're too.
Romantic to it, like this dude doesn't realize that he can be working at like a fucking, like good ass restaurant.
Somebody in the live chat just said, I bust cheeks for a living hashtag, cheek buster, but do you get paid?
Yeah, that's the biggest question.
Wild boy KK, do you get paid for busting cheeks?
What does your shirt say?
Oh god, this is so.
So I was working the shop in Augusta Georgia, last weekend.
Yeah, because I've been driving to Georgia to work.
Yeah, unlike everybody else just sitting around waiting for their own employment.
Yeah, fuck that.
How about that kid who shot you and your stimulus check?
Oh, man, that's a whole fucking are you up to date on that story?
Yeah, that was murder.
That's what that was.
And this fucking story, dude.
What story?
Straight fucking murder.
That kid who got shot running down the street by those guys who ambushed him.
I don't care if that dude fucked that dude's daughter silly five minutes before that.
You don't just get to shoot people in the street.
You don't get to stand in the back of a truck bed with a shotgun.
No.
Hell no.
And there's rules for citizens' arrest.
And I'm pretty sure one of them is, don't shoot them in the face.
Definitely yeah, that was that was premeditated all day.
Yeah yeah, they're waiting.
Like well, how do you know?
They're trying to say he was like on a construction site or something.
Like well, they said he was robbing houses or something, but the security cameras showed him like in a construction.
Weird, because i'm not doing.
I didn't see him with Nana's china in his hands or a tv.
I ain't seen him in you know.
Like so what if he did?
Let the cops deal with it?
No, they were racist ass.
White people say that well, the guys are arrested now right, so yeah yeah yeah, they're going to In front of the fucking Supreme Court.
The first thing that I thought of was like, Ozzy, who filmed this?
And then it ends up being like, their buddy was the one who filmed it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
They're trying to put it on him, too.
If you didn't do anything wrong, then why the minute you shot that dude, did your buddy go, oh, I'm done recording?
Yeah.
How long did it take?
He didn't roll the tape.
He was like, uh-oh.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah.
How long did it take?
You know, he fucking deleted that shit, too, because that shit happened in February, and they just now got it.
Oh, my God.
That's the fucking cream of the crop for fucking white people outrage.
You know what I mean?
Like, people are like, oh, my God, I can't believe this happened.
That was fucking months ago.
Where were you?
You know what I mean?
Right.
Yeah.
It's just now surfacing.
My voice got so raspy in the last couple of years, dude.
I'm just like, I'll come home from like a long weekend of doing shows.
I'm like, hey, what's going on?
What's up?
Scared the shit out of my daughter.
I call her.
She's like, who is this?
Come to daddy.
White People Outrage Train Wreck00:05:23
I love you.
Give you a hug.
I'll be there at seven.
I can't wait to hear that.
You got a serious rasp.
And, you know, it's nice to hear a comedian with a solid rasp because you don't really hear that too much nowadays.
Like, people are taking care of themselves.
Because they're soft.
Yeah, they're soft and they're not a total train wreck like you.
And I really appreciate it.
Like, train wreck.
Maybe.
You know what I mean?
Like a small train, like if the kids train at the mall, that's the train wreck I like.
The train wreck at Largo Park Train?
Yeah, that one.
If that one fucked up, maybe like a kid lost a foot, that's my life.
I'm not like full on fucking, oh my god, like 80 Haitians died in a mountain because it's fucking train robbing club.
Yeah, it was just like 100 people.
The Largo Park, the little train you sit on.
It's like a wagon on the train track.
Like if that dude has one too many fucking natty lights.
I'm too fat and drunk for this little train.
I had one too many coquitos.
It was Christmas time.
Looking at the lights, I knocked it over.
I own cocaine.
I'll get right back up.
Don't worry about it.
I'll catch up.
Dude, comedy's gotten so soft.
Like, I'll be at a comedy club and, like, I'll go out and, like, oh my God, you smoke?
I'm like, ugh.
You fuck.
Like, I'm a piece of shit because I smoke now.
Like, I love going to, like, shows and, like, bars where you can, like, still smoke.
Me, too.
Like, oh, God.
Those are my favorite bars.
That's why I like the whiskey.
You sit in there all night, smoke cigarettes and drink barians.
I'm paying enough money to watch titties.
Time out.
Time out.
But they're closed right now.
Oh, God.
It looks nicer than it used to be.
It is.
They've remodeled it a little bit.
I got kicked out of there one night.
I don't even know what I did.
That's probably some work.
That's stupid.
How do you get kicked out of timeout?
You get wild.
Sometimes the night gets wild.
Luke, you should know, Mr. Rap Video.
Things get out of hand.
You know, sometimes the night gets a little wild.
Sometimes you just bust into Rap Video and throw the whole coconut up.
Sometimes things happen and you end up on Bay News 9.
We got kicked out of Applebee's.
I used to live across the street from the one on Bryan Dairy.
And I was just drunk at Applebee's because you'd run out of booze or you'd want want wanton tacos.
I mean, that was the only reason that you would walk.
And it was like four doors down.
So you'd end up over.
And I was just at Applebee's, just pissed drunk with my buddy.
You're sitting at the bar.
So I'm a butterfly person.
I like the bar.
I forget that I'm at an Applebee's.
I'm just drinking at a bar.
Yeah.
Fucking pack and light a cigarette.
I'm like, can I get an ashtray?
Get the fuck out.
I'm sorry.
I thought it was a bar.
You can't smoke in here.
I like bars you can still fucking smoke and drink in.
Yeah.
Those are the good bars.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
If you're going to go to a bar, you might as well smoke a cigarette.
Fucking plumes, dude.
Not a fan of the smoky bars anymore.
Oh, man.
That's why I love the bars.
I've had a taste of the unsmoky bars, so I need, like, the not smoky bars.
Like, it's nice waking up the next day and not smelling, like, excuse me.
Oh.
Well, dude, thank you so much for doing this.
Fucking killer podcast.
Thanks for hanging and listening to some shit.
Fuck yeah, dude.
You're a funny motherfucker.
Yeah, that's weird.
Next time we do this, hopefully, you can bring a tattoo gun and do some tattoos on it.
It's a machine.
Yeah.
Next time.
It is a machine.
We'll plan it out.
It's a machine.
We'll come to you.
I'll do a stick and poke on a podcast.
Dude, I'm down.
Only do stick and pokes.
Yeah, stick and poke.
Oh, man, this sounds crazy.
Yeah, let's do that.
Do you have any stick and prison tattoos?
No, I don't.
I have some awful ones, but they were all done the right way.
What's the worst tattoo?
Dude, that fucking 666.
Show the 666 one for the camera.
The Junction 666.
This guy, yeah.
The old fucking Tom Stewart Causeway.
That one's sick.
Like, worst tattoo, like, taste wise or just though?
That you have.
Like, what's your worst tattoo?
Like, tasteless, like, awful.
I don't know.
Maybe it was you looking at you and, like, man, I shouldn't have got that fucking.
Tattoo.
I have a tribal tattoo on the outside of my fucking.
Ooh.
I was like 16.
Yeah.
Damn.
I fucking hate that thing.
I think that's the only reason I don't take care of myself because I'm like, if I don't, I'm going to lose that foot to diabetes anyway, and then that tattoo's gone.
As soon as I get diabetes bad enough to lose that foot, fuck her up.
What if it happens in the other foot?
Ah, fucking hell.
Take that one.
That's not part of the plan.
Bring all the ho ho's in the chair, bro.
What's the best one you got?
What's your favorite tattoo you got?
I don't know, man.
It's like a weird, it's kind of a stupid question, right?
Yeah, no, it's like one of them.
It's like, like, I didn't have time to really think about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know, like, tattoos I have for my kid.
I fucking love, dude.
Yeah, I have a jalapeno on my ankle that has a banner that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's the one I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah, that would box.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she's got a narwhal with a laser beam shooter on its head that says pew pew.
That's really stupid.
I just painted a narwhal snake the other day.
Oh, that's just fucking rad.
I think the worst thing that I probably ever got, dude, I got I Love Tits tattooed on my ass.
But it's like an eye, a heart, and like two straight 70s porno, like fucking banana tits.
Titties?
Nice.
Because my mom was like, When are you going to get something that means something?
And I was like, Here you go.
I was drunk at the bar.
I was like, Yeah, I got something I'll love forever.