| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Homogenize Forces
00:15:28
|
|
| So, I'm back. | |
| I've uh asked for a castle that I conquered after deleting the last save game by accident. | |
| Uh not the save game, the video recording by accident. | |
| Um, I think my lord refused me because he's a dick and I've got loads of shit that I need to get rid of. | |
| So, what I'm going to do is recruit some dark elves to use as archers kind of homogenize my forces a bit because they're about all over the place. | |
| I don't really know what's going on with them, to be honest. | |
| How has that happened? | |
| Good for you guys. | |
| I'll probably keep the orc infantry because I imagine the orc infantry fairly decent. | |
| Um, screw, I don't need undead, they're shit don't need these guys, they're shit I need to I need to conquer a castle so I can store these huge dudes in them because they cost an arm and a leg. | |
| What, you guys? | |
| You can fuck off. | |
| No, you can go too. | |
| No. | |
| Sorted. | |
| Grab some Chaos Chumps before we head over there. | |
| Oh, what? | |
| Oh, stavguard, isn't that mine? | |
| Hmm. | |
| No, it's not mine. | |
| Where was mine? | |
| I've got something around here. | |
| Oh, wasn't it all the way? | |
| Um, hmm. | |
| You guys have eaten those sausages that quickly. | |
| Good god. | |
| Guess we'll get some cheap bread then. | |
| Uh hmm. | |
| Yeah, right. | |
| Time to get some dark elf archers. | |
| I will take your loaf of bread. | |
| at least i'm not impoverished i suppose okay that's good It's a good start. | |
| Could probably do with more chaos, to be honest, but uh, what can you do? | |
| Oh, piss off that wasn't actually Warlord Bots' face, but I'm starting to hate the chaos faction after he stole my castle that I'd rightfully conquered. | |
| Honestly, I feel like Stannis. | |
| I conquered that castle fair and square, you son of a bitch. | |
| Don't need slaves. | |
| Fine fruit. | |
| brilliant. | |
| My guys can eat like kings. | |
| Oh really? | |
| Kind of compel some of them to join me. | |
| So I suppose Arnhem Fortress, or Arnheim Fortress, how you pronounce it, is probably my ultimate goal. | |
| Yeah, alright. | |
| In the meantime, I need to level up my guys. | |
| You bandits? | |
| Well, deserters, good enough. | |
| Oh, you slippery sons of bitches. | |
| I'm never going to catch them, am I? | |
| Oh, has it? | |
| Well, I'm not going to get back there in time, but there might be more bandits over here, I suppose. | |
| I don't know, maybe a training ground would be useful. | |
| some way that I can beat some experience into my guise. | |
| God, my guy's just eating me out of house and home. | |
| You son of a bitch. | |
| Well done, Augie and Joseph. | |
| Well, I would definitely like to find whoever wants my head. | |
| We're on a clean ship here. | |
| Everyone's sober and accounted for. | |
| I would like bloodletters, but I think I can't at the home, can I? | |
| Excuse me. | |
| They'll be trolls, isn't it? | |
| I will gladly beat up a bunch of trolls. | |
| Oh, where are the ransom merchant? | |
| Uh, ransom brokers? | |
| Oh Shrayvald, I'm so sorry. | |
| Yeah, I don't care. | |
| Fuck yourself, your money or your life. | |
| That's more like it. | |
| Go on infantry. | |
| Time to get yourself clubbed unconscious by a bunch of trolls. | |
| Are we all feeling brave? | |
| See, the archers are going to cover us, we'll be fine. | |
| They're just trolls. | |
| I don't think I'll be needing my shield. | |
| That was my horse! | |
| You sons of bitches. | |
| Well, I think I was doing quite well there. | |
| come on guys just shoot where are you cowards going in the background Why are you all just standing there? | |
| Good grief! | |
| This is probably the worst lead army in history. | |
| I'm loving those lead belchers. | |
| Come on, just take him out. | |
| The shit is battling all of history. | |
| Right. | |
| I would like Chaos Tribesman, actually, but I have very little room. | |
| I will take your troll pork. | |
| It's the spoils of victory. | |
| where did matey actually say he wanted me to oh jesus all the way over there Right, okay, fine. | |
| The sooner I get these elves up to crossbow status, the better, I think. | |
| I really want to offload these prisoners too. | |
| Oh, what? | |
| Huh? | |
| Well, I didn't make anyway. | |
| Oh, are you running from me? | |
| 27 militia. | |
| That sounds a bit shit. | |
| Yeah, how bad could this go? | |
| Yeah, mark it down, bitch. | |
| Wow, that's | |
| a surprisingly short infantry line I've got. | |
| They must all still be unconscious after being punched in the head by trolls. | |
| This guy doesn't seem to have much in the way of cavalry zone zero cavalry. | |
| Oh, where are you cowards going? | |
| Come here. | |
| I'm so slow. | |
| Oh, you sons of bitches. | |
| Guys, I suck at this game. | |
| Don't just let them shoot you in the face. | |
| Do something about it. | |
| Why are you backing away from that guy? | |
| Okay, I think we've I think we've got this one. | |
|
Allegiance and Chaos Armies
00:06:17
|
|
| Hmm. | |
| I'll take his junk. | |
| I'm not taking the rest of that junk. | |
| Oh, hello, Chaos Armies. | |
| Look, I did turn up, I swear to God. | |
| Ha, move and tell the trolls. | |
| No, no, no, no. | |
| Right. | |
| This time I'm not going to get myself killed by trolls. | |
| Wait, what is this cavalry on the other side? | |
| What? | |
| I thought I was fighting trolls. | |
| Oh, someone made my force lame, didn't they? | |
| Who's this guy? | |
| Oh, you're fighting crazy. | |
| I love my skeleton horse. | |
| Even if it's lame, I don't have a good job ever. | |
| Yep, we're buddies. | |
| I don't want either of those, but I can't just not leave them when I'm under strength. | |
| Alright, fine. | |
| Alright, what's this campaign about? | |
| Oh, you're just all going home, are you? | |
| Everything has a price. | |
| Jesus. | |
| Even your life. | |
| Alright. | |
| That's right. | |
| I'm gonna kill a troll and hand that in combat. | |
| No, I'm not. | |
| Jesus, what am I thinking of? | |
| Haha! | |
| One troll! | |
| Damnit! | |
| Okay, well, good right. | |
| At least I'm starting to get a moderately sized Dark Elf Archer, not like Brigade or Battalion or something. | |
| So I mean we still have that, which is good. | |
| I wonder how Wolf and Berg's looking these days. | |
| No, I can't take 200. | |
| maybe i was going to loot this oh well that's wonderful Oh, we're too afraid to approach, are we? | |
| That's a shame as I take all your stuff and give them back this crap. | |
| Ah, yeah, there we go. | |
| They can take some day old pork if they want and maybe I will maybe I'll take all this stuff back. | |
| Give me my day old pork, damn it. | |
| Give me these cows too. | |
| You don't want some, do you? | |
| Oh, you're lucky. | |
| I think I can fight some trolls, huh? | |
| There we go. | |
|
Hundred And Fourteen Strong
00:11:29
|
|
| Horse trying not to get killed. | |
| Where the hell are you all going? | |
| Shit. | |
| Oh, I can't believe it. | |
| Oh, I tried. | |
| Give me the gold star for participation. | |
| Do you just finish it? | |
| Yes, yes, yes, very good. | |
| Ah, that's that's very useful, actually. | |
| Thank you. | |
| Hmm. | |
| Oh, beauty, thank you. | |
| Right, so I can actually have a hundred and fourteen. | |
| Oh, hello. | |
| Come back here, you've got champions. | |
| Oh, where did he oh, you cowards stand and deliver surprisingly articulate trolls? | |
| Oh, I need a new horse, don't I? | |
| All couch last damage. | |
| Two trolls. | |
| If I ever get to sell my trolls, I'll be I don't know which one of those is shit, so yeah. | |
| If I ever get to ransom my prisoners, I'll be very happy. | |
| Hmm. | |
| I think I will have Chaos Lead Belchers, actually. | |
| Don't know what I'm going to trade for them. | |
| Oh no, I can just hire them. | |
| I'm actually not sure why I'm just giving this guy loads of close combat, since he sits with my archers. | |
| But, um... | |
| Jesus. | |
| Right. | |
| Worth it. | |
| I have a good recommendation these are worth it I guess I won't for now, though. | |
| Oh, where are the fucking ransom brokers? | |
| And where are my cows? | |
| Oh fucker fuck the prisoner I've got important things going on stuff things alright you can go you can go and I think there's one more wasn't there | |
| what the difference is I guess I can start getting rid of these orcs actually I'm sure they're excellent but I want to streamline my army somewhat come here | |
| you'd better be the best right I swear to fucking cow I am taking a castle and if my liege doesn't like it he can fuck himself | |
| Oh, thank god, I am about to actually bankrupt myself with mercenary lead belchers. | |
| Well, I say that, but i've actually got a fair amount of cash, but my weekly cost is six and a half grand. | |
| Right, where are they? | |
| 16 lead belchers, Jesus Christ. | |
| That is probably enough with which to take some crappy castle. | |
| How many can I actually... | |
| Right, let's do this... | |
| High Elves. | |
| I'll tell you, I wouldn't want to fight my own army. | |
| I mean, if it came to that, I'd be shitting it. | |
| No, honestly, mate, I'm thinking about rebelling. | |
| Kind of regretting accepting the oath of vassalage, to be honest. | |
| Yeah, I don't care. | |
| Oh, well, yeah, I'll buy you cheap bread then. | |
| Yes, give me these fine sausages. | |
| Oh, hello. | |
| Oh, Kidoki. | |
| Let's see these lead belchers in action then, shall we? | |
| Out of my way, everyone. | |
| Oh, they're just coming for it as well, which is good. | |
| Stand up, bitch. | |
| Sons of bitches looked like it was going pretty well as well. | |
| 14 killed to 133 kill, Jesus. | |
| Yeah, we'll charge the enemy, actually, thanks! | |
|
Could I Not Die?
00:03:48
|
|
| I'm quite glad I got these Dark Health Archers. | |
| And, uh, Lead Belchers. | |
| Ha! | |
| I love it, it's like a cannon shotgun. | |
| Honestly. | |
| Oh, what's he doing? | |
| Oh, he's brave. | |
| I'll give him a fucking hell, leg belchers. | |
| Yeah, three damage. | |
| I played my part. | |
| Could I just not die for five minutes? | |
| I don't know, I've killed my mind as well. | |
| Definitely need more infantry, don't I? | |
| Damn it! | |
| Oh no, oh no, wounded, that's right. | |
| Oh, did he manage to escape? | |
| Jesus, I don't think that was worth it. | |
| I think I have to reload that one. | |
| 20,000 experience, though. | |
| That's a hell of a fight. | |
| Right, okay. | |
| See, I've got quite a nice army, but I think I'm just gonna have to put the archers in front and then run the infantry forward to support them when they get too close. | |
| Yes, yes, I know. | |
| I'm poor. | |
| Yeah, that's fine. | |
| Poor old villagers of Schrebald can just hate me. | |
| I know. | |
| Have some bread. | |
| Bread and fine sausages, lads. | |
| We dine like kings. | |
| Right, where were these? | |
| There we go. | |
| Ooh, okay. | |
| I will definitely go after those. | |
| Dreadlord Hellbane. | |
| Fucking hell, he sounds serious, doesn't he? | |
| I want some lizards. | |
|
Battle Side Terrifying!
00:06:37
|
|
| Either I'm going to have to turn the graphics down or I'm going to have to turn the battle side down a bit, I think. | |
| I don't want to turn the baffle size down. | |
| Those lead belchers are terrifying! | |
| Yeah, it's very well done, everyone. | |
| Oh, hello. | |
| An ally. | |
| That's useful. | |
| Yeah, yeah, let's uh let's pat ourselves on the back. | |
| I don't need any of that, I guess, I suppose, uh, maybe, fuck it, right. | |
| Norman went up from that? | |
| I think they're dead. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Oh, you can fuck off, dude. | |
| You're still on my bad side. | |
| Hmm. | |
| So what is actually? | |
| There's only 77 of them. | |
| I imagine those white lions are those lion warriors. | |
| Ryder things. | |
| Yeah, I'll give it another go. | |
| Fuck it. | |
| Cornered me like a dog. | |
| What are you talking about? | |
| charged at you. | |
| Fuck it. | |
| I'm definitely gonna have to change the graphics thing because it gets too jerky. | |
| Oh, wrong one. | |
| Right, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. | |
| Shadow quality, low, low. | |
| No, fuck your realistic shadows on plants. | |
| I guess. | |
| Don't need dynamic line. | |
| It doesn't change anything. | |
| Barely changed anything. | |
| Darely change anything, doesn't change anything, doesn't barely change anything. | |
| God damn it. | |
| Ice cream. | |
| Okay, so it seems to have crashed to my desktop for some reason, but we're back. | |
| And this guy doesn't fancy some all of a sudden. | |
| Right, okay, that's good. | |
| Wonder if I can. | |
| Fuck it. | |
| Let's do this. | |
| Ride me down like a dog, eh? | |
| see about that. | |
| Still not as fluid as I would have liked but fuck it. | |
| It will do badly, didn't | |
|
Notification Kills Detail
00:08:10
|
|
| it? | |
| Okay, look, it's just a giant high elf army. | |
| I can take it. | |
| I just need better, better positioning. | |
| Literally twice the size of mine. | |
| I can do this. | |
| Get out of my way. | |
| That's right, cavalry. | |
| You've got to be the decoy. | |
| Ha ha ha ha! | |
| 370 damage to his horse. | |
| Well... | |
| It's something. | |
| Leave my horse alone. | |
| See, this is what happens when I've got the world's shittest horse. | |
| I can't get away from anyone. | |
| At least I made it back to my lines! | |
| Damn it, Jesus, right? | |
| Okay, it's because they're on me too quickly. | |
| I'm going to have to sacrifice my cavalry. | |
| Definitely need to change the quality down a bit, I guess. | |
| Yes, we'll have low character detail as well. | |
| So, why is this performance so low? | |
| Yeah, fuck the texture detail, it'll just look like ass. | |
| Okay, fine. | |
| Well, if he's wandered off, I'm pretty sure I can take this castle. | |
| What are you all saying? | |
| Why did I even bring this shield? | |
| Get your fat asses up here and still shoot lots of people. | |
| Leadbelchers, what are you doing? | |
| Does everyone have arrows? | |
| What? | |
| Yes, get up on the hill and shoot them in the face with the giant cannons you're carrying with you. | |
| Fucking hell, is it really that difficult to do? | |
| Yes, see them right there. | |
| Shoot them in the face. | |
| That's more like it. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| What are you doing? | |
| Because I've turned off the notification kills. | |
| No idea how it's going. | |
|
Looking 92: A Nice Head
00:03:17
|
|
| I think it's ours, lads. | |
| I think it's ours. | |
| Oh, that's not bad, actually. | |
| Christ, I thought it was going to go worse than that. | |
| Yeah, I'll take your loot. | |
| Yeah, well, this had better be given to me. | |
| That's all I'm saying. | |
| There will be a rebellion if it isn't. | |
| So it's the second fortress I've taken for chaos now, | |
| so you know. | |
| Oh, hello. | |
| How am I actually looking 92? | |
| Oh, that's fine. | |
| That's a nice head you have on your shoulders. | |
| It's a gorgeous head, isn't it? | |
| Yeah, sorry for leading you to your doom, guys. | |
| Yeah, finish on. | |
|
Today The Gods Decide
00:03:10
|
|
| Yeah, I think we've got this one. | |
| I don't want any of this undead crap. | |
| Yeah, those two guards are all right, I suppose. | |
| I suppose they need garrison for the thing I've just captured. | |
| I swear to god if I don't get given this castle I will probably have to go to war with my Chaos Lord. | |
| High Elf recruits. | |
| I don't want high elf. | |
| They're probably good archers, to be fair. | |
| Alright. | |
| Today the gods will decide your fate! | |
| It's amazing that they always decide in my favour though, isn't it, mate? | |
| Must buy a better horse. | |
| Oh, well done cavalryman. | |
| Oh, well. | |
| Why are my lead belchers? | |
| Killed in the fight. | |
| Damn it! | |
|
Everyone Handled The Food Hurry Fine
00:13:00
|
|
| Oh, why am I so bad at this game? | |
| Where the hell are my Love Doctor? | |
| They just can't be bothered, I see. | |
| Just take the day off. | |
| This is such a good little place. | |
| I like how I'll have. | |
| Oh, really? | |
| I've got nothing to eat. | |
| Okay, there's no food in this castle. | |
| No merchants come, nothing happens. | |
| Come on, Warlord Deckhead. | |
| That's right, we can wait. | |
| I have to pay for accommodation at a castle I've taken. | |
| Son of a bitch. | |
| I guess we'll be in boots, lads. | |
| Oh, really? | |
| Okay. | |
| Alright. | |
| Do you guys not have food in this castle? | |
| In this town? | |
| Do you have food here, yeah? | |
| Good. | |
| Good. | |
| All right, ransom brokers. | |
| Unless I sold all my guys and I don't have any prisoners, which I think I actually did. | |
| Yes, I did. | |
| Right, gay that's the least important thing in my mind at the moment. | |
| I don't care who the Archon is. | |
| I care who gets this castle that I captured. | |
| Don't be a dick. | |
| God, he just doesn't. | |
| He's not in a hurry, is he? | |
| Just not in a bloody hurry. | |
| Okay, fine. | |
| Alright, probably run out of food again in a minute. | |
| Well, I may as well go fight some bandits, I suppose. | |
| Where have all the bandits gone? | |
| Oh, no, fuck yourself. | |
| Fuck yourself. | |
| What is that what I asked for? | |
| Yeah, I didn't think so. | |
| Oh, yeah. | |
| Right, so, you know, there's a little startup kingdom. | |
| Finally start putting my elite guys away. | |
| I will have 40 dudes and I will be happy with that. | |
| Hmm, I wonder how long it is before thousands of elves or chaos descend on me. | |
| What were? | |
| They didn't even look how they must have been. | |
| They weren't. | |
| Are they chaos? | |
| Tribesmen were? | |
| Didn't even look never mind. | |
| That's right Oh, I will attack thirty-one night goblins. | |
| Thank you. | |
| How about everyone get out of my fucking way? | |
| Yeah, chuck those steps. | |
| Is that a nice one? | |
| Horse! | |
| What a nut! | |
| Hold on. | |
| I will definitely take your cabbages. | |
| But I just saved your asses. | |
| What ungrateful ingrates is probably what ingrate means, to be fair. | |
| Ha! | |
| Of course I don't have enough money. | |
| Hmm. | |
| Um well hmm I wonder if I can sack that village really they've made peace. | |
| Well, we'll see how this goes. | |
| Okay everyone, that was well handled. | |
| Cavalry, just just just be a distraction. | |
| I don't mind | |
| getting into hand-to-hand combat with a bunch of fucking archers. | |
| I have a horse, horse. | |
| Are you still alive? | |
| No. | |
| Yeah, I'll take the lack of horses and no. | |
| Hey, that seemed like a pretty good victory, actually. | |
| Given the quality of my soldiery. | |
| What are the odds? | |
| Oh, shit. | |
|
Rat Face Battle
00:02:23
|
|
| Um, right. | |
| We are going to be fighting a very defensive battle now, guys. | |
| Just so you're all aware. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| rat face. | |
| I had | |
| my infantry too. | |
| This kind of looks like you've been cut up. | |
| Ow. | |
| Oh! | |
| Ha ha ha ha! | |
| That was... That was a... That was a good attempt. | |
| Um... | |
| Hmm. | |
| Yeah, no, I think I'll probably need it there because I'll have to restart reload. | |
| But right, well, there we go. | |