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July 21, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
01:11:44
Chronicles of Sargon the Chaos Lord, Part 3
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So, I'm back.
I've uh asked for a castle that I conquered after deleting the last save game by accident.
Uh not the save game, the video recording by accident.
Um, I think my lord refused me because he's a dick and I've got loads of shit that I need to get rid of.
So, what I'm going to do is recruit some dark elves to use as archers kind of homogenize my forces a bit because they're about all over the place.
I don't really know what's going on with them, to be honest.
How has that happened?
Good for you guys.
I'll probably keep the orc infantry because I imagine the orc infantry fairly decent.
Um, screw, I don't need undead, they're shit don't need these guys, they're shit I need to I need to conquer a castle so I can store these huge dudes in them because they cost an arm and a leg.
What, you guys?
You can fuck off.
No, you can go too.
No.
Sorted.
Grab some Chaos Chumps before we head over there.
Oh, what?
Oh, stavguard, isn't that mine?
Hmm.
No, it's not mine.
Where was mine?
I've got something around here.
Oh, wasn't it all the way?
Um, hmm.
You guys have eaten those sausages that quickly.
Good god.
Guess we'll get some cheap bread then.
Uh hmm.
Yeah, right.
Time to get some dark elf archers.
I will take your loaf of bread.
at least i'm not impoverished i suppose okay that's good It's a good start.
Could probably do with more chaos, to be honest, but uh, what can you do?
Oh, piss off that wasn't actually Warlord Bots' face, but I'm starting to hate the chaos faction after he stole my castle that I'd rightfully conquered.
Honestly, I feel like Stannis.
I conquered that castle fair and square, you son of a bitch.
Don't need slaves.
Fine fruit.
brilliant.
My guys can eat like kings.
Oh really?
Kind of compel some of them to join me.
So I suppose Arnhem Fortress, or Arnheim Fortress, how you pronounce it, is probably my ultimate goal.
Yeah, alright.
In the meantime, I need to level up my guys.
You bandits?
Well, deserters, good enough.
Oh, you slippery sons of bitches.
I'm never going to catch them, am I?
Oh, has it?
Well, I'm not going to get back there in time, but there might be more bandits over here, I suppose.
I don't know, maybe a training ground would be useful.
some way that I can beat some experience into my guise.
God, my guy's just eating me out of house and home.
You son of a bitch.
Well done, Augie and Joseph.
Well, I would definitely like to find whoever wants my head.
We're on a clean ship here.
Everyone's sober and accounted for.
I would like bloodletters, but I think I can't at the home, can I?
Excuse me.
They'll be trolls, isn't it?
I will gladly beat up a bunch of trolls.
Oh, where are the ransom merchant?
Uh, ransom brokers?
Oh Shrayvald, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I don't care.
Fuck yourself, your money or your life.
That's more like it.
Go on infantry.
Time to get yourself clubbed unconscious by a bunch of trolls.
Are we all feeling brave?
See, the archers are going to cover us, we'll be fine.
They're just trolls.
I don't think I'll be needing my shield.
That was my horse!
You sons of bitches.
Well, I think I was doing quite well there.
come on guys just shoot where are you cowards going in the background Why are you all just standing there?
Good grief!
This is probably the worst lead army in history.
I'm loving those lead belchers.
Come on, just take him out.
The shit is battling all of history.
Right.
I would like Chaos Tribesman, actually, but I have very little room.
I will take your troll pork.
It's the spoils of victory.
where did matey actually say he wanted me to oh jesus all the way over there Right, okay, fine.
The sooner I get these elves up to crossbow status, the better, I think.
I really want to offload these prisoners too.
Oh, what?
Huh?
Well, I didn't make anyway.
Oh, are you running from me?
27 militia.
That sounds a bit shit.
Yeah, how bad could this go?
Yeah, mark it down, bitch.
Wow, that's
a surprisingly short infantry line I've got.
They must all still be unconscious after being punched in the head by trolls.
This guy doesn't seem to have much in the way of cavalry zone zero cavalry.
Oh, where are you cowards going?
Come here.
I'm so slow.
Oh, you sons of bitches.
Guys, I suck at this game.
Don't just let them shoot you in the face.
Do something about it.
Why are you backing away from that guy?
Okay, I think we've I think we've got this one.
Hmm.
I'll take his junk.
I'm not taking the rest of that junk.
Oh, hello, Chaos Armies.
Look, I did turn up, I swear to God.
Ha, move and tell the trolls.
No, no, no, no.
Right.
This time I'm not going to get myself killed by trolls.
Wait, what is this cavalry on the other side?
What?
I thought I was fighting trolls.
Oh, someone made my force lame, didn't they?
Who's this guy?
Oh, you're fighting crazy.
I love my skeleton horse.
Even if it's lame, I don't have a good job ever.
Yep, we're buddies.
I don't want either of those, but I can't just not leave them when I'm under strength.
Alright, fine.
Alright, what's this campaign about?
Oh, you're just all going home, are you?
Everything has a price.
Jesus.
Even your life.
Alright.
That's right.
I'm gonna kill a troll and hand that in combat.
No, I'm not.
Jesus, what am I thinking of?
Haha!
One troll!
Damnit!
Okay, well, good right.
At least I'm starting to get a moderately sized Dark Elf Archer, not like Brigade or Battalion or something.
So I mean we still have that, which is good.
I wonder how Wolf and Berg's looking these days.
No, I can't take 200.
maybe i was going to loot this oh well that's wonderful Oh, we're too afraid to approach, are we?
That's a shame as I take all your stuff and give them back this crap.
Ah, yeah, there we go.
They can take some day old pork if they want and maybe I will maybe I'll take all this stuff back.
Give me my day old pork, damn it.
Give me these cows too.
You don't want some, do you?
Oh, you're lucky.
I think I can fight some trolls, huh?
There we go.
Horse trying not to get killed.
Where the hell are you all going?
Shit.
Oh, I can't believe it.
Oh, I tried.
Give me the gold star for participation.
Do you just finish it?
Yes, yes, yes, very good.
Ah, that's that's very useful, actually.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Oh, beauty, thank you.
Right, so I can actually have a hundred and fourteen.
Oh, hello.
Come back here, you've got champions.
Oh, where did he oh, you cowards stand and deliver surprisingly articulate trolls?
Oh, I need a new horse, don't I?
All couch last damage.
Two trolls.
If I ever get to sell my trolls, I'll be I don't know which one of those is shit, so yeah.
If I ever get to ransom my prisoners, I'll be very happy.
Hmm.
I think I will have Chaos Lead Belchers, actually.
Don't know what I'm going to trade for them.
Oh no, I can just hire them.
I'm actually not sure why I'm just giving this guy loads of close combat, since he sits with my archers.
But, um...
Jesus.
Right.
Worth it.
I have a good recommendation these are worth it I guess I won't for now, though.
Oh, where are the fucking ransom brokers?
And where are my cows?
Oh fucker fuck the prisoner I've got important things going on stuff things alright you can go you can go and I think there's one more wasn't there
what the difference is I guess I can start getting rid of these orcs actually I'm sure they're excellent but I want to streamline my army somewhat come here
you'd better be the best right I swear to fucking cow I am taking a castle and if my liege doesn't like it he can fuck himself
Oh, thank god, I am about to actually bankrupt myself with mercenary lead belchers.
Well, I say that, but i've actually got a fair amount of cash, but my weekly cost is six and a half grand.
Right, where are they?
16 lead belchers, Jesus Christ.
That is probably enough with which to take some crappy castle.
How many can I actually...
Right, let's do this...
High Elves.
I'll tell you, I wouldn't want to fight my own army.
I mean, if it came to that, I'd be shitting it.
No, honestly, mate, I'm thinking about rebelling.
Kind of regretting accepting the oath of vassalage, to be honest.
Yeah, I don't care.
Oh, well, yeah, I'll buy you cheap bread then.
Yes, give me these fine sausages.
Oh, hello.
Oh, Kidoki.
Let's see these lead belchers in action then, shall we?
Out of my way, everyone.
Oh, they're just coming for it as well, which is good.
Stand up, bitch.
Sons of bitches looked like it was going pretty well as well.
14 killed to 133 kill, Jesus.
Yeah, we'll charge the enemy, actually, thanks!
I'm quite glad I got these Dark Health Archers.
And, uh, Lead Belchers.
Ha!
I love it, it's like a cannon shotgun.
Honestly.
Oh, what's he doing?
Oh, he's brave.
I'll give him a fucking hell, leg belchers.
Yeah, three damage.
I played my part.
Could I just not die for five minutes?
I don't know, I've killed my mind as well.
Definitely need more infantry, don't I?
Damn it!
Oh no, oh no, wounded, that's right.
Oh, did he manage to escape?
Jesus, I don't think that was worth it.
I think I have to reload that one.
20,000 experience, though.
That's a hell of a fight.
Right, okay.
See, I've got quite a nice army, but I think I'm just gonna have to put the archers in front and then run the infantry forward to support them when they get too close.
Yes, yes, I know.
I'm poor.
Yeah, that's fine.
Poor old villagers of Schrebald can just hate me.
I know.
Have some bread.
Bread and fine sausages, lads.
We dine like kings.
Right, where were these?
There we go.
Ooh, okay.
I will definitely go after those.
Dreadlord Hellbane.
Fucking hell, he sounds serious, doesn't he?
I want some lizards.
Either I'm going to have to turn the graphics down or I'm going to have to turn the battle side down a bit, I think.
I don't want to turn the baffle size down.
Those lead belchers are terrifying!
Yeah, it's very well done, everyone.
Oh, hello.
An ally.
That's useful.
Yeah, yeah, let's uh let's pat ourselves on the back.
I don't need any of that, I guess, I suppose, uh, maybe, fuck it, right.
Norman went up from that?
I think they're dead.
Yeah.
Oh, you can fuck off, dude.
You're still on my bad side.
Hmm.
So what is actually?
There's only 77 of them.
I imagine those white lions are those lion warriors.
Ryder things.
Yeah, I'll give it another go.
Fuck it.
Cornered me like a dog.
What are you talking about?
charged at you.
Fuck it.
I'm definitely gonna have to change the graphics thing because it gets too jerky.
Oh, wrong one.
Right, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Shadow quality, low, low.
No, fuck your realistic shadows on plants.
I guess.
Don't need dynamic line.
It doesn't change anything.
Barely changed anything.
Darely change anything, doesn't change anything, doesn't barely change anything.
God damn it.
Ice cream.
Okay, so it seems to have crashed to my desktop for some reason, but we're back.
And this guy doesn't fancy some all of a sudden.
Right, okay, that's good.
Wonder if I can.
Fuck it.
Let's do this.
Ride me down like a dog, eh?
see about that.
Still not as fluid as I would have liked but fuck it.
It will do badly, didn't
it?
Okay, look, it's just a giant high elf army.
I can take it.
I just need better, better positioning.
Literally twice the size of mine.
I can do this.
Get out of my way.
That's right, cavalry.
You've got to be the decoy.
Ha ha ha ha!
370 damage to his horse.
Well...
It's something.
Leave my horse alone.
See, this is what happens when I've got the world's shittest horse.
I can't get away from anyone.
At least I made it back to my lines!
Damn it, Jesus, right?
Okay, it's because they're on me too quickly.
I'm going to have to sacrifice my cavalry.
Definitely need to change the quality down a bit, I guess.
Yes, we'll have low character detail as well.
So, why is this performance so low?
Yeah, fuck the texture detail, it'll just look like ass.
Okay, fine.
Well, if he's wandered off, I'm pretty sure I can take this castle.
What are you all saying?
Why did I even bring this shield?
Get your fat asses up here and still shoot lots of people.
Leadbelchers, what are you doing?
Does everyone have arrows?
What?
Yes, get up on the hill and shoot them in the face with the giant cannons you're carrying with you.
Fucking hell, is it really that difficult to do?
Yes, see them right there.
Shoot them in the face.
That's more like it.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Because I've turned off the notification kills.
No idea how it's going.
I think it's ours, lads.
I think it's ours.
Oh, that's not bad, actually.
Christ, I thought it was going to go worse than that.
Yeah, I'll take your loot.
Yeah, well, this had better be given to me.
That's all I'm saying.
There will be a rebellion if it isn't.
So it's the second fortress I've taken for chaos now,
so you know.
Oh, hello.
How am I actually looking 92?
Oh, that's fine.
That's a nice head you have on your shoulders.
It's a gorgeous head, isn't it?
Yeah, sorry for leading you to your doom, guys.
Yeah, finish on.
Yeah, I think we've got this one.
I don't want any of this undead crap.
Yeah, those two guards are all right, I suppose.
I suppose they need garrison for the thing I've just captured.
I swear to god if I don't get given this castle I will probably have to go to war with my Chaos Lord.
High Elf recruits.
I don't want high elf.
They're probably good archers, to be fair.
Alright.
Today the gods will decide your fate!
It's amazing that they always decide in my favour though, isn't it, mate?
Must buy a better horse.
Oh, well done cavalryman.
Oh, well.
Why are my lead belchers?
Killed in the fight.
Damn it!
Oh, why am I so bad at this game?
Where the hell are my Love Doctor?
They just can't be bothered, I see.
Just take the day off.
This is such a good little place.
I like how I'll have.
Oh, really?
I've got nothing to eat.
Okay, there's no food in this castle.
No merchants come, nothing happens.
Come on, Warlord Deckhead.
That's right, we can wait.
I have to pay for accommodation at a castle I've taken.
Son of a bitch.
I guess we'll be in boots, lads.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Alright.
Do you guys not have food in this castle?
In this town?
Do you have food here, yeah?
Good.
Good.
All right, ransom brokers.
Unless I sold all my guys and I don't have any prisoners, which I think I actually did.
Yes, I did.
Right, gay that's the least important thing in my mind at the moment.
I don't care who the Archon is.
I care who gets this castle that I captured.
Don't be a dick.
God, he just doesn't.
He's not in a hurry, is he?
Just not in a bloody hurry.
Okay, fine.
Alright, probably run out of food again in a minute.
Well, I may as well go fight some bandits, I suppose.
Where have all the bandits gone?
Oh, no, fuck yourself.
Fuck yourself.
What is that what I asked for?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Oh, yeah.
Right, so, you know, there's a little startup kingdom.
Finally start putting my elite guys away.
I will have 40 dudes and I will be happy with that.
Hmm, I wonder how long it is before thousands of elves or chaos descend on me.
What were?
They didn't even look how they must have been.
They weren't.
Are they chaos?
Tribesmen were?
Didn't even look never mind.
That's right Oh, I will attack thirty-one night goblins.
Thank you.
How about everyone get out of my fucking way?
Yeah, chuck those steps.
Is that a nice one?
Horse!
What a nut!
Hold on.
I will definitely take your cabbages.
But I just saved your asses.
What ungrateful ingrates is probably what ingrate means, to be fair.
Ha!
Of course I don't have enough money.
Hmm.
Um well hmm I wonder if I can sack that village really they've made peace.
Well, we'll see how this goes.
Okay everyone, that was well handled.
Cavalry, just just just be a distraction.
I don't mind
getting into hand-to-hand combat with a bunch of fucking archers.
I have a horse, horse.
Are you still alive?
No.
Yeah, I'll take the lack of horses and no.
Hey, that seemed like a pretty good victory, actually.
Given the quality of my soldiery.
What are the odds?
Oh, shit.
Um, right.
We are going to be fighting a very defensive battle now, guys.
Just so you're all aware.
What are you doing?
rat face.
I had
my infantry too.
This kind of looks like you've been cut up.
Ow.
Oh!
Ha ha ha ha!
That was... That was a... That was a good attempt.
Um...
Hmm.
Yeah, no, I think I'll probably need it there because I'll have to restart reload.
But right, well, there we go.
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