May 14, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
02:05
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| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| Hold this Kurt. | |
| Behold the atheist's nightmare. | |
| My worst nightmare is God, so what you're saying to me is that you worship a fucking banana. | |
| Now if you study a well-made banana, you'll find on the far side there are three ridges. | |
| On the close side, two ridges. | |
| If you get your hand ready to grip a banana, you'll find on the far side there are three grooves, on the close side, two grooves. | |
| The banana and the hand are perfectly made one for the other. | |
| The only thing I'd point out is that God created the banana before he created man. | |
| Which means that he was like, right, so I've got this awesome fucking piece of fruit, but I need some way for mankind to be able to hold it. | |
| Maybe if I shape their hands to fit the banana that I have already created, then this will be perfect. | |
| Except shit, I wish I hadn't created the penis before I created the hand. | |
| Now I'm gonna have to dictate some goddamn scriptures. | |
| You'll find the maker of the banana, almighty God, has made it with a non-slit surface. | |
| It has outward indicators of inward contents. | |
| Green, too early, yellow, just right, black, too late. | |
| God is a racist. | |
| Now if you go to the top of the banana, you'll find as with the soda can makers, they placed a tab at the top, so God has placed a tab at the top. | |
| When you pull the tab, the contents don't squirt in your face. | |
| God is not a fan of Japanese porn. | |
| You'll find the wrapper which is biodegradable. | |
| God is in favour of littering. | |
| Has perforations. | |
| Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand. | |
| It's no coincidence. | |
| That is what the hand was designed for. | |
| Notice it has a point at the top for ease of entry. | |
| God is in favour of dildos. | |
| It's just the right shape for the human mouth. | |
| Which is precisely the argument I use with my girlfriend. | |
| It's chewy, easy to digest, and it's even curved toward the face to make the whole process so much easier. | |
| With the exception of the word chewy, this is literally verbatim. | |
| Seriously, Kurt, the whole of creation testifies to the genius of God's creative art. | |
| Ah yeah, but don't ask him to plan something because he's useless at thinking ahead. |
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