Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin - God： Great at creation, poor at planning
Aired: 2014-05-14
Duration: 02:05


=== Perfectly Matched (02:05) ===

[00:00:00]  Hold this Kurt.
[00:00:02]  Behold the atheist's nightmare.
[00:00:04]  My worst nightmare is God, so what you're saying to me is that you worship a fucking banana.
[00:00:10]  Now if you study a well-made banana, you'll find on the far side there are three ridges.
[00:00:16]  On the close side, two ridges.
[00:00:18]  If you get your hand ready to grip a banana, you'll find on the far side there are three grooves, on the close side, two grooves.
[00:00:24]  The banana and the hand are perfectly made one for the other.
[00:00:27]  The only thing I'd point out is that God created the banana before he created man.
[00:00:32]  Which means that he was like, right, so I've got this awesome fucking piece of fruit, but I need some way for mankind to be able to hold it.
[00:00:41]  Maybe if I shape their hands to fit the banana that I have already created, then this will be perfect.
[00:00:49]  Except shit, I wish I hadn't created the penis before I created the hand.
[00:00:54]  Now I'm gonna have to dictate some goddamn scriptures.
[00:00:57]  You'll find the maker of the banana, almighty God, has made it with a non-slit surface.
[00:01:02]  It has outward indicators of inward contents.
[00:01:04]  Green, too early, yellow, just right, black, too late.
[00:01:09]  God is a racist.
[00:01:10]  Now if you go to the top of the banana, you'll find as with the soda can makers, they placed a tab at the top, so God has placed a tab at the top.
[00:01:17]  When you pull the tab, the contents don't squirt in your face.
[00:01:21]  God is not a fan of Japanese porn.
[00:01:23]  You'll find the wrapper which is biodegradable.
[00:01:26]  God is in favour of littering.
[00:01:28]  Has perforations.
[00:01:30]  Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand.
[00:01:32]  It's no coincidence.
[00:01:34]  That is what the hand was designed for.
[00:01:37]  Notice it has a point at the top for ease of entry.
[00:01:39]  God is in favour of dildos.
[00:01:41]  It's just the right shape for the human mouth.
[00:01:43]  Which is precisely the argument I use with my girlfriend.
[00:01:47]  It's chewy, easy to digest, and it's even curved toward the face to make the whole process so much easier.
[00:01:53]  With the exception of the word chewy, this is literally verbatim.
[00:01:57]  Seriously, Kurt, the whole of creation testifies to the genius of God's creative art.
[00:02:01]  Ah yeah, but don't ask him to plan something because he's useless at thinking ahead.