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May 2, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
04:26
My call to the White Male Privilege hotline
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Time Text
Hello!
Oh, hi there.
Yeah, I'm a white man and I'd like to cash in my privilege, please.
Where do I go to do that?
Are you a person of colour looking to get a loan, a job, or avoid police harassment?
Uh, no, I did say that I'm a white man, but I would like to get all those things too.
Um, I haven't got a job, I can't get a loan.
Admittedly, I don't get harassed by the police, but I wear my trousers above my waist, so...
Please call the 1-800-White-Man-Privilege hotline now!
Oh, that's brilliant.
Thanks very much.
All I needed to know was where to go to cash in this privilege.
Because, you know, things haven't been going so great for me recently.
I'm doing the best I can, but it's not easy.
I'm sure you understand.
I'm sure you understand.
Our roster of white men will come to your rescue in almost any situation.
Avoid redlining.
We can co-sign your mortgage, help you hail a cab downtown, and stop store managers from following you.
That would be brilliant, actually, because I have had all of those things happen before.
Like I said, I can't actually get a loan or a mortgage because every time I do, the bank keeps going on about money.
And I keep explaining to them, look, right?
I'm white and male.
So aren't I entitled to this as a privilege?
And they say, no, you have to have money.
And I say, well, but that doesn't make any sense.
I'm a white man.
I am entitled to that.
Am I not?
At job interviews, we can give you that special seal of approval.
Our white men will vouch for your intelligence and you won't even have to remove your dreadlocks.
I don't actually have dreadlocks.
I actually wash my hair and comb it.
But yeah, I would like that.
But I would actually prefer it if someone could vouch for some qualifications that I don't have.
Because I made a bit of a mistake in university and I actually did gender studies.
So it means that when I'm applying for, say, a network technician job, they say, are you qualified?
And I say, yeah, of course I went to university.
And they say, okay, what are you qualified in?
And I'm like, well, a degree.
And they're like, okay, that's great.
What type of degree?
And I say, well, a degree from a university, obviously.
And they're like, okay, but what kind of degree?
And I say, okay, well, it was a social sciences degree.
And they say, okay, is that really going to be helpful?
I'm like, well, it's a degree, isn't it?
And they're okay, okay, what degree is it?
And I say, it's gender studies.
And they say, sorry, we do not think that this is the telecommunications degree that we're requiring, so we can't help you.
So, now, I guess if you can get a white man to come in and vouch that I could do it, even though I don't have the prerequisite qualifications, that would be wonderful.
I would really appreciate that.
Alright, Jamal.
And girls, are your ideas ignored at work?
Our white man will present them for you.
We guarantee your boss will listen.
Oh, that would be perfect, except I can't get a job because I don't know where to get my white man privilege from.
You can see the vicious circle here.
But not only that, my last boss was actually a woman.
And I don't know how another white man is going to get my idea through to her a bit more securely since it was coming from a white man and she wasn't interested.
But more than happy to take your advice on this.
For black and Latino men, for black and Latino men, we recommend our escort service.
With Chad by your side, you'll never have to worry about stop and frisk again.
Yeah, I've heard some bad things about American cops too, to be honest.
I mean, I'm sure it's just a few bad eggs.
Please, no, we cannot stop.
Please, no, we cannot stop white people from touching your hair.
Oh, that's fine.
I actually like having my hair played with, so I'm okay with that.
Calling nine-year-old black girls cunts, they're calling you reverse racist for pointing it out.
What about if they were eight or ten?
Would that be okay?
Please do not ask our white men about their privilege.
They have no idea they have it.
Oh no no no, don't worry, don't worry.
Um I I am aware that as a white man I have privilege and uh you know I I should just be like those other white men, but I'm actually not so I'm I'm just trying to get it back.
I must uh I must have left it somewhere.
I mean it I you know, these things happen, don't they?
So call the white man privilege hotline now!
Notes, we only accept MasterCard.
Right, so you don't actually accept white male privilege as payment then?
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