| Time | Text |
|---|---|
|
Call The White Man Privilege Hotline
00:04:20
|
|
| Hello! | |
| Oh, hi there. | |
| Yeah, I'm a white man and I'd like to cash in my privilege, please. | |
| Where do I go to do that? | |
| Are you a person of colour looking to get a loan, a job, or avoid police harassment? | |
| Uh, no, I did say that I'm a white man, but I would like to get all those things too. | |
| Um, I haven't got a job, I can't get a loan. | |
| Admittedly, I don't get harassed by the police, but I wear my trousers above my waist, so... | |
| Please call the 1-800-White-Man-Privilege hotline now! | |
| Oh, that's brilliant. | |
| Thanks very much. | |
| All I needed to know was where to go to cash in this privilege. | |
| Because, you know, things haven't been going so great for me recently. | |
| I'm doing the best I can, but it's not easy. | |
| I'm sure you understand. | |
| I'm sure you understand. | |
| Our roster of white men will come to your rescue in almost any situation. | |
| Avoid redlining. | |
| We can co-sign your mortgage, help you hail a cab downtown, and stop store managers from following you. | |
| That would be brilliant, actually, because I have had all of those things happen before. | |
| Like I said, I can't actually get a loan or a mortgage because every time I do, the bank keeps going on about money. | |
| And I keep explaining to them, look, right? | |
| I'm white and male. | |
| So aren't I entitled to this as a privilege? | |
| And they say, no, you have to have money. | |
| And I say, well, but that doesn't make any sense. | |
| I'm a white man. | |
| I am entitled to that. | |
| Am I not? | |
| At job interviews, we can give you that special seal of approval. | |
| Our white men will vouch for your intelligence and you won't even have to remove your dreadlocks. | |
| I don't actually have dreadlocks. | |
| I actually wash my hair and comb it. | |
| But yeah, I would like that. | |
| But I would actually prefer it if someone could vouch for some qualifications that I don't have. | |
| Because I made a bit of a mistake in university and I actually did gender studies. | |
| So it means that when I'm applying for, say, a network technician job, they say, are you qualified? | |
| And I say, yeah, of course I went to university. | |
| And they say, okay, what are you qualified in? | |
| And I'm like, well, a degree. | |
| And they're like, okay, that's great. | |
| What type of degree? | |
| And I say, well, a degree from a university, obviously. | |
| And they're like, okay, but what kind of degree? | |
| And I say, okay, well, it was a social sciences degree. | |
| And they say, okay, is that really going to be helpful? | |
| I'm like, well, it's a degree, isn't it? | |
| And they're okay, okay, what degree is it? | |
| And I say, it's gender studies. | |
| And they say, sorry, we do not think that this is the telecommunications degree that we're requiring, so we can't help you. | |
| So, now, I guess if you can get a white man to come in and vouch that I could do it, even though I don't have the prerequisite qualifications, that would be wonderful. | |
| I would really appreciate that. | |
| Alright, Jamal. | |
| And girls, are your ideas ignored at work? | |
| Our white man will present them for you. | |
| We guarantee your boss will listen. | |
| Oh, that would be perfect, except I can't get a job because I don't know where to get my white man privilege from. | |
| You can see the vicious circle here. | |
| But not only that, my last boss was actually a woman. | |
| And I don't know how another white man is going to get my idea through to her a bit more securely since it was coming from a white man and she wasn't interested. | |
| But more than happy to take your advice on this. | |
| For black and Latino men, for black and Latino men, we recommend our escort service. | |
| With Chad by your side, you'll never have to worry about stop and frisk again. | |
| Yeah, I've heard some bad things about American cops too, to be honest. | |
| I mean, I'm sure it's just a few bad eggs. | |
| Please, no, we cannot stop. | |
| Please, no, we cannot stop white people from touching your hair. | |
| Oh, that's fine. | |
| I actually like having my hair played with, so I'm okay with that. | |
| Calling nine-year-old black girls cunts, they're calling you reverse racist for pointing it out. | |
| What about if they were eight or ten? | |
| Would that be okay? | |
| Please do not ask our white men about their privilege. | |
| They have no idea they have it. | |
| Oh no no no, don't worry, don't worry. | |
| Um I I am aware that as a white man I have privilege and uh you know I I should just be like those other white men, but I'm actually not so I'm I'm just trying to get it back. | |
| I must uh I must have left it somewhere. | |
| I mean it I you know, these things happen, don't they? | |
| So call the white man privilege hotline now! | |
| Notes, we only accept MasterCard. | |
| Right, so you don't actually accept white male privilege as payment then? | |