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Jan. 25, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
09:41
I need feminism because I have brain damage
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I wasn't actually going to do a video like this.
They're quite quite common, but these things keep popping up on my Facebook feed and on various websites I go to.
And frankly, I'm fucking sick of them.
So enjoy.
I need feminism because I don't want to be noticed just because of my appearance.
Well, you better staple your women's studies diploma to your fucking face then, you moron.
What are people going to notice when they first look at you?
Your fucking appearance.
I need feminism because some people still think they don't.
We are the Borg, you will be assimilated.
I need feminism because society teaches us don't get raped rather than don't rape.
As if don't rape isn't tacitly implied in the law against rape, you fucking stupid woman.
I need feminism because no one debates whether men can have it all.
Possibly because men are not so fucking stupid as to think they can have it all.
They know that there is only so much one can have in a single lifetime.
And so they plan for one thing and not the other because they know they can't have both.
You have been fucking deluded.
You have been deceived.
When someone says, women can, you can have it all.
You could be a six foot five black basketball player.
Look at yourself and think, actually, maybe these people are talking fucking shit.
I need feminism because I was sexually assaulted and it's not okay.
What did the judge say?
He said it was just fine.
Oh, well, if the judge said it's just fine, get the fuck out.
Everyone knows it's not okay, you fucking idiot.
Do you know what a platitude is?
I need feminism because I am tired of feeling safe in the street at night only because I get misgendered.
Now, I'm going to interpret that, that this is a woman who is mistakenly identified as a man.
What is this person arguing for?
What do they think feminism is going to do for them?
make them feel unsafe at the street at night because they get misgendered, or do you think it's going to make criminals and rapists go, wait, that's, ah, I'm glad I took that woman's studies course because that's actually a woman and we can rape her.
Let's get in, lads.
I need feminism because the fact that female students make up 15% of the mechanical engineering department is considered normal and acceptable.
Oh yes, I forgot about the feminist Gestapo that's going to round up women and press gang them into work they don't want to do.
Well done.
I suppose you will need feminism for that because there's literally no other way to make women do these jobs.
I need feminism because my self-worth does not depend on my exterior attractiveness, size or beauty.
Well, if they're the only things you have, it very much does.
If, for example, you're like a man and you're not very beautiful, then yes, your self-worth is going to have to rely on something else.
The reason a lot of women allow their self-worth to depend on their attractiveness is because a lot of the time, these women are naturally attractive.
They just happen to be appealing to men.
This often gives them a free pass in life.
I don't agree with it, but it is the way it is.
We need feminism because, drum roll, women comedians are still treated as second rate.
Sorry, you paratroglodytes.
Were you expecting me to say something to that?
Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps you're not comedians because you're not fucking funny?
No, of course that didn't occur to you.
It's obviously misogyny.
It's obviously that it's not that you're not funny.
It's that everyone else is a misogynist.
And the reason no one laughs is because they're standing there thinking, but I have been socially conditioned to know that women are not funny.
And so I'm not allowed to laugh at any of their jokes.
I tell you what, we'll all have a big meeting and say, right, okay, women are now going to officially be funny.
So now everyone is legally obliged to laugh at a woman's joke.
That is the only way you are going to be comedians.
I need feminism because my female co-worker said she wouldn't work for a company with a female CEO.
Women in power are moody bitches.
Well, that should tell you something, shouldn't it?
If that is the honest observation of one of your female co-workers, maybe it's not that she inherently hates women.
Maybe she's just looked at her female bosses and thought, these women are really poorly equipped for rule.
They are not good at managing people.
They are self-centered, egotistical, and vain, and these qualities do not a good leader make.
My fucking God, you need feminism, and you need feminism now to stop people making honest and valid criticisms about women who are probably in power because of gender quotas.
Yes, that's right, you definitely need feminism.
I need feminism because little girls are still being told that boys hitting or teasing them means he likes you.
You know what?
It does.
Little boys are not great at expressing themselves.
I don't think children in general are great at expressing themselves.
And so when a boy gives a girl attention like this, it means he does like her.
I remember doing this to girls in the playground myself.
I remember seeing other boys do it.
I'm sure that little boys now still do it.
I think they probably did it when we were in caves banging rocks together.
It's just how boys are.
But yeah, let's have feminism what?
Change the very nature of men.
Yeah, good luck with that.
I need feminism because I don't know how to cook and I don't want to.
Revel in your stupidity.
That's right.
I don't know how to do this and I don't want to.
I'm proud of not knowing how to do something.
Well, fucking done.
I need feminism because I didn't come here to get a Mrs. degree.
I'm guessing that you're at university and they don't do Mrs. degrees.
I don't think any university before or after feminism ever will, so pointless.
But obviously you're trying to say, look, I'm a strong independent fish who doesn't need a bicycle and therefore I'm not going to get a bicycle.
Well, don't.
It's your choice, but you're quite a good-looking girl, so I'm going to guess you're going to eventually give in to your feminine instincts, get a husband, and then be like, well, shit, I wasn't meant to get a husband.
Then you're going to ruin your marriage.
By splitting up, you'll probably have an affair with some random guy, and then he'll fuck off, and you'll be all on your own with your cats.
And then you'll think, how has this happened?
How has I cannot believe feminism has led me so astray?
But it'll be too late by then because you'll be old and unattractive and no one will care.
You could use a bit of foresight now and plan the life that you are going to want later because every fucking woman seems to want it.
But no, you know what?
You carry on flopping around on the floor.
I need feminism because my culture stigmatizes emotional expression.
So sometimes I hate being a girl because I cry more easily.
Oh, boo fucking who?
It's not that your culture stigmatises emotional expression, it's that emotions are personal and therefore everyone is dealing with them.
They're dealing with their own.
They don't want to deal with yours.
They expect you to deal with yours because you are an adult, or I would have guessed anyway, and you are meant to deal with these things yourself.
If you're going to cry, that's fine.
Go and cry.
But don't cry about it.
I need feminism because I'm tired of feeling unmanly for enjoying my girlfriend's strap on.
The best bit about this picture isn't just the words, it's the earnest look on his face.
Oh mate, are you tired of feeling unmanly for enjoying your girlfriend's strap-on?
That's terrible.
But I tell you what, your girlfriend pinning you down to the bed and fucking your asshole is not manly.
So, you know what?
You're going to have to just feel unmanly when she's reaming your butt.
I need feminism because no means no.
But sometimes yes doesn't mean yes.
Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the crowning turd in the punch bowl.
This is exactly why people need feminism.
Because sometimes I want to have my fucking cake and eat it at the same time.
My God, no woman.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Yes means yes.
If you say yes, then you consent.
If you don't consent, don't say yes.
Anyway, fuck these idiots.
They are literally all fucking idiots.
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