Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin - I need feminism because I have brain damage
Aired: 2014-01-25
Duration: 09:41


=== I Need Feminism Now! (05:54) ===

[00:00:00]  I wasn't actually going to do a video like this.
[00:00:02]  They're quite quite common, but these things keep popping up on my Facebook feed and on various websites I go to.
[00:00:09]  And frankly, I'm fucking sick of them.
[00:00:11]  So enjoy.
[00:00:13]  I need feminism because I don't want to be noticed just because of my appearance.
[00:00:17]  Well, you better staple your women's studies diploma to your fucking face then, you moron.
[00:00:22]  What are people going to notice when they first look at you?
[00:00:26]  Your fucking appearance.
[00:00:29]  I need feminism because some people still think they don't.
[00:00:33]  We are the Borg, you will be assimilated.
[00:00:36]  I need feminism because society teaches us don't get raped rather than don't rape.
[00:00:42]  As if don't rape isn't tacitly implied in the law against rape, you fucking stupid woman.
[00:00:53]  I need feminism because no one debates whether men can have it all.
[00:00:57]  Possibly because men are not so fucking stupid as to think they can have it all.
[00:01:02]  They know that there is only so much one can have in a single lifetime.
[00:01:07]  And so they plan for one thing and not the other because they know they can't have both.
[00:01:12]  You have been fucking deluded.
[00:01:15]  You have been deceived.
[00:01:16]  When someone says, women can, you can have it all.
[00:01:19]  You could be a six foot five black basketball player.
[00:01:22]  Look at yourself and think, actually, maybe these people are talking fucking shit.
[00:01:27]  I need feminism because I was sexually assaulted and it's not okay.
[00:01:32]  What did the judge say?
[00:01:33]  He said it was just fine.
[00:01:35]  Oh, well, if the judge said it's just fine, get the fuck out.
[00:01:38]  Everyone knows it's not okay, you fucking idiot.
[00:01:43]  Do you know what a platitude is?
[00:01:46]  I need feminism because I am tired of feeling safe in the street at night only because I get misgendered.
[00:01:55]  Now, I'm going to interpret that, that this is a woman who is mistakenly identified as a man.
[00:02:02]  What is this person arguing for?
[00:02:05]  What do they think feminism is going to do for them?
[00:02:08]  make them feel unsafe at the street at night because they get misgendered, or do you think it's going to make criminals and rapists go, wait, that's, ah, I'm glad I took that woman's studies course because that's actually a woman and we can rape her.
[00:02:22]  Let's get in, lads.
[00:02:25]  I need feminism because the fact that female students make up 15% of the mechanical engineering department is considered normal and acceptable.
[00:02:34]  Oh yes, I forgot about the feminist Gestapo that's going to round up women and press gang them into work they don't want to do.
[00:02:42]  Well done.
[00:02:43]  I suppose you will need feminism for that because there's literally no other way to make women do these jobs.
[00:02:50]  I need feminism because my self-worth does not depend on my exterior attractiveness, size or beauty.
[00:02:57]  Well, if they're the only things you have, it very much does.
[00:03:02]  If, for example, you're like a man and you're not very beautiful, then yes, your self-worth is going to have to rely on something else.
[00:03:12]  The reason a lot of women allow their self-worth to depend on their attractiveness is because a lot of the time, these women are naturally attractive.
[00:03:22]  They just happen to be appealing to men.
[00:03:25]  This often gives them a free pass in life.
[00:03:28]  I don't agree with it, but it is the way it is.
[00:03:32]  We need feminism because, drum roll, women comedians are still treated as second rate.
[00:03:40]  Sorry, you paratroglodytes.
[00:03:43]  Were you expecting me to say something to that?
[00:03:45]  Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps you're not comedians because you're not fucking funny?
[00:03:52]  No, of course that didn't occur to you.
[00:03:54]  It's obviously misogyny.
[00:03:56]  It's obviously that it's not that you're not funny.
[00:03:59]  It's that everyone else is a misogynist.
[00:04:02]  And the reason no one laughs is because they're standing there thinking, but I have been socially conditioned to know that women are not funny.
[00:04:09]  And so I'm not allowed to laugh at any of their jokes.
[00:04:13]  I tell you what, we'll all have a big meeting and say, right, okay, women are now going to officially be funny.
[00:04:19]  So now everyone is legally obliged to laugh at a woman's joke.
[00:04:24]  That is the only way you are going to be comedians.
[00:04:33]  I need feminism because my female co-worker said she wouldn't work for a company with a female CEO.
[00:04:39]  Women in power are moody bitches.
[00:04:43]  Well, that should tell you something, shouldn't it?
[00:04:47]  If that is the honest observation of one of your female co-workers, maybe it's not that she inherently hates women.
[00:04:55]  Maybe she's just looked at her female bosses and thought, these women are really poorly equipped for rule.
[00:05:01]  They are not good at managing people.
[00:05:05]  They are self-centered, egotistical, and vain, and these qualities do not a good leader make.
[00:05:12]  My fucking God, you need feminism, and you need feminism now to stop people making honest and valid criticisms about women who are probably in power because of gender quotas.
[00:05:27]  Yes, that's right, you definitely need feminism.
[00:05:32]  I need feminism because little girls are still being told that boys hitting or teasing them means he likes you.

=== Feminism and Male Expression (04:01) ===

[00:05:39]  You know what?
[00:05:40]  It does.
[00:05:42]  Little boys are not great at expressing themselves.
[00:05:46]  I don't think children in general are great at expressing themselves.
[00:05:49]  And so when a boy gives a girl attention like this, it means he does like her.
[00:05:54]  I remember doing this to girls in the playground myself.
[00:05:57]  I remember seeing other boys do it.
[00:05:59]  I'm sure that little boys now still do it.
[00:06:01]  I think they probably did it when we were in caves banging rocks together.
[00:06:06]  It's just how boys are.
[00:06:09]  But yeah, let's have feminism what?
[00:06:14]  Change the very nature of men.
[00:06:17]  Yeah, good luck with that.
[00:06:19]  I need feminism because I don't know how to cook and I don't want to.
[00:06:23]  Revel in your stupidity.
[00:06:25]  That's right.
[00:06:26]  I don't know how to do this and I don't want to.
[00:06:28]  I'm proud of not knowing how to do something.
[00:06:30]  Well, fucking done.
[00:06:33]  I need feminism because I didn't come here to get a Mrs. degree.
[00:06:38]  I'm guessing that you're at university and they don't do Mrs. degrees.
[00:06:45]  I don't think any university before or after feminism ever will, so pointless.
[00:06:51]  But obviously you're trying to say, look, I'm a strong independent fish who doesn't need a bicycle and therefore I'm not going to get a bicycle.
[00:06:59]  Well, don't.
[00:07:00]  It's your choice, but you're quite a good-looking girl, so I'm going to guess you're going to eventually give in to your feminine instincts, get a husband, and then be like, well, shit, I wasn't meant to get a husband.
[00:07:11]  Then you're going to ruin your marriage.
[00:07:13]  By splitting up, you'll probably have an affair with some random guy, and then he'll fuck off, and you'll be all on your own with your cats.
[00:07:20]  And then you'll think, how has this happened?
[00:07:23]  How has I cannot believe feminism has led me so astray?
[00:07:27]  But it'll be too late by then because you'll be old and unattractive and no one will care.
[00:07:32]  You could use a bit of foresight now and plan the life that you are going to want later because every fucking woman seems to want it.
[00:07:39]  But no, you know what?
[00:07:41]  You carry on flopping around on the floor.
[00:07:46]  I need feminism because my culture stigmatizes emotional expression.
[00:07:50]  So sometimes I hate being a girl because I cry more easily.
[00:07:54]  Oh, boo fucking who?
[00:07:57]  It's not that your culture stigmatises emotional expression, it's that emotions are personal and therefore everyone is dealing with them.
[00:08:06]  They're dealing with their own.
[00:08:07]  They don't want to deal with yours.
[00:08:09]  They expect you to deal with yours because you are an adult, or I would have guessed anyway, and you are meant to deal with these things yourself.
[00:08:19]  If you're going to cry, that's fine.
[00:08:21]  Go and cry.
[00:08:22]  But don't cry about it.
[00:08:25]  I need feminism because I'm tired of feeling unmanly for enjoying my girlfriend's strap on.
[00:08:31]  The best bit about this picture isn't just the words, it's the earnest look on his face.
[00:08:38]  Oh mate, are you tired of feeling unmanly for enjoying your girlfriend's strap-on?
[00:08:45]  That's terrible.
[00:08:46]  But I tell you what, your girlfriend pinning you down to the bed and fucking your asshole is not manly.
[00:08:54]  So, you know what?
[00:08:56]  You're going to have to just feel unmanly when she's reaming your butt.
[00:09:01]  I need feminism because no means no.
[00:09:04]  But sometimes yes doesn't mean yes.
[00:09:08]  Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the crowning turd in the punch bowl.
[00:09:14]  This is exactly why people need feminism.
[00:09:17]  Because sometimes I want to have my fucking cake and eat it at the same time.
[00:09:23]  My God, no woman.
[00:09:25]  Fuck you.
[00:09:26]  Fuck you.
[00:09:27]  Yes means yes.
[00:09:29]  If you say yes, then you consent.
[00:09:31]  If you don't consent, don't say yes.
[00:09:36]  Anyway, fuck these idiots.
[00:09:38]  They are literally all fucking idiots.