How Chiropractic Medicine Started as a Ghost Religion exposes D.D. Palmer's 1895 claim to cure deaf janitor Harvey Lillard via non-consensual neck adjustments, framing his pseudoscience as a religion founded on ghostly revelations from Dr. Jim Atkinson. The hosts critique Palmer's assertion that subluxations cause 95% of ailments and his son B.J.'s "more death" slogan used to evade licensure, noting only 23% of chiropractors pass board exams compared to 86% of medical students. Ultimately, the episode reveals how this cult-like ideology persists despite fatal risks like vertebral artery dissection, exposing a system prioritizing spiritual salesmanship over patient safety. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Trust Your Girlfriends00:05:03
This is an iHeart podcast.
Guaranteed human.
When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He is not going to get away with this.
He's going to get what he deserves.
We always say that.
Trust your girlfriends.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I got you.
I got you.
I'm Laurie Siegel, and this is Mostly Human, a tech podcast through a human lens.
This week, an interview with OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.
I think society is going to decide that creators of AI products bear a tremendous amount of responsibility to the products we put out in the world.
An in-depth conversation with a man who's shaping our future.
My highest order bit is to not destroy the world with AI.
Listen to Mostly Human on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, it's Nora Jones, and my podcast, Playing Along, is back with more of my favorite musicians.
Check out my newest episode with Josh Groban.
You related to the Phantom at that point.
Yeah, I was definitely the Phantom in that.
That's so funny.
Shari stay with me each night, each morning.
Listen to Nora Jones is playing along on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What's gifting my three and a half foot long machetes?
I'm Robert Evans, host of Behind the Bastards, the podcast where we talk about the worst people in history and where I receive a beautiful, heartwarming gift from my co-host today, Billy Wayne Davis.
Hey, everybody.
Yeah.
Now, Billy Wayne, I got back from Syria not too long ago, and you surprised me with one of the best presents I've ever received, which is essentially a small sword.
It is like if they made a baseball bat and a sword.
Yeah.
It's an unnecessarily large Fiskers machete that's got a two-handed grip, which I love.
I'm very excited to hit things with this.
I didn't have, like, we've had this discussion.
We both have multiple machetes.
Too many machetes.
And I have.
Now, you know, you don't have children or a wife.
No.
I have those things.
Well, that's true.
You know about.
Any wives you know about.
But I found it on Amazon and I was like, I don't have a reason to get this.
And then I remembered you went to Syria and I was like, you know what?
That's noble as hell.
Yeah.
Well, noble's not the right way to say it.
Maybe I just did it to justify getting another machete.
Well, you didn't know it was coming.
I didn't know it was coming.
But it's possible.
It's noble.
That's purely noble.
I like that you're so humble.
You're like, I just did it to get a machete.
You didn't know it was going to do that.
I did not know it was going to do that.
But now that I have it, the machete feels like a worthwhile prize for this work.
And I'm excited to find new things to hit with it.
There's so many different things to do with it.
There were several meetings, I think, that went on designing this Fiskers.
A lot.
I'm interested in the holes in the back, which I think make it faster.
Is that what it is?
I don't know.
I suspect they make it faster.
The grip is really...
I have large hands, and I like that the grip is the perfect length for both of them on there.
I'm excited to see.
I've turned his knuckles up too.
Sophie provided me with a bag of chips to cut open, which she threw at me.
That was fun.
What I'm excited, though, I got this can of Febreze, Billy Wayne Davis.
Oh, man.
Sophie, Sophie just put her head in her hands, covered her eyes, very exasperated.
Gain smells good.
Gain smells good.
So I would be improving the room if I have you toss this at me and hit it with the machete bat.
I think.
Sophie's flipping me off with both of them.
Should we do that?
Let's do that at the end.
Yeah, we should do that at the end.
A gift to the basic podcast.
We can knock it into the poison room.
We can just open the door quickly, knock the Fabrice can into the poison room.
That way, if it sprays everywhere, it doesn't render the room uninhabitable.
We can lock it with the poison.
It's a great idea.
I think that's a plan.
All right, Sophie seems to be on board.
I think she's proud of me now.
It's hard to tell which of her size means pride and which doesn't.
Daniel's nodding at me with pride, though.
He's happy.
He thinks I made a good decision.
Yeah, when it showed up, my wife was like, What?
Why do we, you don't need.
I was like, it's a gift.
And she goes, I don't know who you're hanging out with and just walked off.
This is one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever received, Billy Wayne.
Thank you.
This is my new official podcasting machete.
Hell yeah.
It's not as rusty as my old one.
No.
But it'll get rust on it.
Yes, it will.
If I'm doing my job, I'll get some rust on this fucker.
That handle will last a lot longer than that blade will.
Well, we're talking about the founder of chiropractic medicine today.
Oh, wow.
So the first dude to be like, hey, honey, come walk on my back.
A Special Type of Man00:06:02
I think the first dude to be like, you're sick?
Let me walk on your back.
Okay.
Yes, gotcha.
Now, Billy Wayne, what is the first word that comes to your mind when you hear the term chiropractor?
We're on the script now.
I mean, scam.
We're already in the right headspace for this.
My dad's a football coach.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to guess for most people, it's probably like spine or back or scam.
Yeah.
Some people might say medicine, depending on whether or not they believe in chiropractic.
Okay.
I'm going to bet almost nobody's first word is religion.
Well, I mean, okay.
I'm already in it.
I'm already in.
You're putting these two together.
I'm like, go on.
Well, today we're going to talk about how chiropractic medicine or whatever you want to call it started out as a religion, or to be more accurate, a cult.
So this is that story.
Can I predict dude uses it to get laid eventually?
You know, I assume he did.
Okay.
But that was not the focus of the cult.
Because usually, from my experience, when a dude starts a cult, it sex.
This seems to have been, you know, the kind of guy we always talk about, Billy.
This is a man who wanted very badly to be a doctor.
Oh, okay.
But who never wanted to actually become a doctor, who just wanted to know medicine and just assume that whatever his gut told him was medicine.
That's a special type of man who does that.
That is a special where you're like, dude, you could just go to school for school.
Four years.
And just be a shitty doctor.
Yeah.
No.
No.
I'm going to kill some people for you.
I'm just going to figure it out.
Learn as I go.
I love it.
So this tale starts, as all such tales do, with a single beautiful grifter, Daniel David Palmer, heretofore known as D.D. Palmer.
He was born on March 7th, 1845, in a now non-existent town near Toronto, Canada.
At the time, it was known to most people as Away Out West.
Wow.
Yeah.
And then it disappeared.
Yeah, it's just gone now.
Nobody lives in that fucking place anymore.
It's just a field.
Yeah, just like a field.
Seething woods.
That was a town.
Yeah, it was like a little town, and then everyone was like, living out here is kind of bullshit.
Have you been to Doron?
Yeah, have you been to Toronto?
It's a city now.
Everyone left.
It's not just a dead horse in a pond.
Yeah, there's the circus came to town, and then the town disappeared.
Yeah, yeah.
Toronto did start as a dead horse in a pond.
That checks out.
Yeah, that's my new head cannon for Toronto.
Checks out.
So, D.D. Palmer's family had come over to Canada from England during his grandfather's time.
His father was a shoemaker, a grocer, a school director, and a postmaster.
Because back in the old days, there were only about 30 people in the world.
Small town.
Yeah, everybody had to wear a lot of hats.
Now, D D. Only one pair of shoes.
We got one pair of shoes.
He's busy.
You only get one.
He's busy being the grocery today.
He's going to get one pair.
He's running the school tomorrow.
He's back on shoe duty in three days.
So you just hop till the so D.D. Palmer was the oldest of six children, three boys and three girls.
From age four until age 11, he attended a small rural school while his father tried and failed at multiple businesses.
Because Guinea wasn't actually good at most of the jobs.
He was good at left shoes, right shoes.
He couldn't do the right shoes.
He was too busy figuring out how to mail stuff.
So yeah, from age four until age 11, D.D. Palmer attended a small rural school.
And by the time he was 11, the family's financial situation was bad enough that he had to start working.
And so he had to stop going to school.
So his dad made a deal with him.
Can I just.
Yeah.
That's like, that means like nothing.
Nothing.
That means like you start owing people.
What do you mean?
Like, that's how bad things work.
We're like, the oldest has to quit working during those times.
You're like, this is bad.
We're like, I owe people now.
Yeah, I owe people.
You're enough of a man at 11.
You got to start bringing in some fucking cash.
Yeah.
That's having.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's poor.
Like putting your 11-year-old to work.
Poor.
Yeah.
And now, D.D. Palmer, even though his family is super poor and he had to go to work, he still wanted to learn.
He was a big, love, loved learning.
And so he made a deal with his dad.
If he worked hours before and after the full-time schedule that he had to work to keep the family fed, he could keep the money that he made working overtime and apply that money to buying school clothes and school books for himself so he could continue to learn.
God.
Yeah, that's fucking hard.
Well, all right, son.
40 hours a week, that's got to go to feeding the family.
But if you work 60, you can buy school books.
I mean, what a weird way to have to go and like, God, I'm going to have to negotiate so I can keep learning.
Yeah.
I know people with versions of that story that start at like age 18 or 19.
Yes.
I don't know anybody with that story starting at 11.
11.
We have to figure out like, ah, if I don't know more than this, I'm going to have to keep doing this.
Yeah.
That's pretty at yourself.
I do think there's a little bit of this in there where he just like sees his dad's life and is like, I don't want to be a postmaster.
I don't want to be that when I'm 13.
I don't want to be working this dead end job when I'm 15.
Your life's over at that point.
You're dead.
You might as well be dead.
I'll have three kids by then.
Three quarters of your life is over.
Town won't be around then.
Yeah.
So, Palmer worked beyond full-time for most of his childhood and was able to slowly afford to finish his education.
By age 21, he had the 19th century equivalent of an education.
Decades later, D.D. Palmer would write this in his autobiography about his upbringing.
Quote, My mother was one of a pair of twins, one of which died.
The one which lived only weighed one and a half pounds.
Debunking the Magnet Myth00:12:46
When a baby, I was cradled in a piece of hemlock bark.
My mother was as full of superstition as an egg is full of meat, but my father was disposed to reason on the subjects pertaining to life.
It's like how he opens his autobiography.
There's a lot.
There's a lot to unpack there.
Mainly the expression, as an egg is full of meat.
That's where I was like, I didn't know where to start or begin, but that's where the look on my face was at.
Where I was like, what kind of eggs are those?
Where'd you get those eggs?
I imagine this whole backstory for him where his dad couldn't afford eggs, so they were like just eating like roadkill and muskrats, and he was just lying to his kids and being like, what's this gross smelling meat?
That's an egg.
It's an egg.
This is what they look like.
Leave the shell on.
You know, egg is full of meat.
Meat eggs.
And you're like, what is the doctor talking about?
Also, cradling a baby in a piece of hemlock bark seems like a bad idea.
Like all the things he he just sounds like like a folksy guy that got hit on the head where you're like, don't listen to what he's saying.
Just listen to the rhythm.
It's more entertaining.
Yeah, and I'll tell you, there's some head injuries in this guy's past.
He doesn't write about them, but I can't imagine having this upbringing and not getting hit on the head a few times.
All of them.
And they're all like everyone we've talked about came from the middle of nowhere.
Yeah.
Which I do think there is something to that where they might be the smartest or the most ambitious in that area.
So everyone just calls them doctor.
Yeah.
And they're like, I'm a doctor.
It was easier back then.
He's like Granny from the Beverly Hill Billies.
I do feel like one of the great untold stories of history is how many great men of the past had undiagnosed traumatic brain injuries.
Like Andrew Jackson.
You hear about sometimes he just beat people half to death.
It's like, yeah.
He just shoot people in the streets in Nashville.
And they're like, what was it?
That was the governor.
He probably had brain damage and an inability to control his temper.
But he made it work for him.
He made it work for him.
He did.
He can make random violence work for you.
If you do it at the...
If it's not as random as people think it is, yes.
I've said that too before.
A lot of the most successful people, male or female, make their mental illness really work for them.
Well, that's the key.
That's the key, is finding a way to make your mental illness make you money, which is the subject of my new health book, Think and Grow Sick.
Read between the lines.
My new mental health book.
You get it.
Yeah.
Just find a way.
Just find a way to make a gel with capitalism.
That's all it's about.
That is really all.
That's all it's about.
Yeah.
That's the only difference between a workaholic and an alcoholic is one of them is functional in our economy.
Yeah, an alcoholic.
So, all right, back to D.D. Palmer.
So D Dee went by Dan to most of his friends and family, but we're just going to call him D D.
He grew up big and strong as a, quote, husky country boy who was widely liked.
He had an inquisitive mind, but was particularly interested in anatomy.
In the rare hours of free time, he got outside of work in school.
Dan would collect the bones of animals.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's one of those things.
I love collecting bones myself, but I'm not going to pretend it's not a red flag.
It's a red flag.
Like having a lot of machetes.
Well, yeah, there's...
Yes, it is where it's not necessary red flag, but it's let's keep an eye on him.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, my house is full of dead animals and machetes, and if that makes people want to keep an eye on me, that's not a bad thing.
But you're from Texas, that doesn't ramp anything.
No bells are ringing for me at that.
He's got a lot of knives and dead animals in his house, right?
Yep.
Yeah, it does kind of depend on what region you come from.
If I were to hear somebody from, let's say, Boston say that, that would worry me more.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where'd you get that white tail?
Okay.
So the U.S. Civil War was disastrous for the Canadian economy, largely because the nation's labor market became flooded with Americans fleeing the draft.
By the time Daniel was in his early 20s, he and his brother Thomas were forced to head south to the United States in order to seek work.
They managed to borrow $2 from their friends, which at the time was enough to strike out and start a new life.
What a day that was.
Wow.
Yeah.
Or that's what they thought.
Yeah, that's what they thought.
Well, it works out for him.
Well, I don't know about his friend.
He might have died on the fucking ditch somewhere, but it works out for D De Palmer.
So on April 3rd.
Yeah, De Dee's got $4.
Yeah.
On April 3rd, 1865, they walked 18 miles to the town of Whitby in the United States.
Somehow they wound up in Detroit a couple of months later after a winding journey that involved sleeping on grain sacks on a pier and probably hitching lots of rides on trains.
Yeah.
We're imagining like a traditional 19th century hobo journey here.
Yeah.
So Dan and his brother explored a number of jobs, but the line of work that Dee Dee found most appealing was, of course, medicine.
Specifically, he became a magnetic healer.
Cool.
Yeah.
Me too.
Yeah.
You think so, Billy?
Yes.
You feel better, right?
Yep.
It's the magnets.
It's the magnet.
Get out of here.
Magnets had been a popular medical treatment for all sorts of ailments for thousands of years, going back to the beginning of civilization.
They still sell them to golfers.
They still sell them to everybody.
You get a fucking bracelet.
Yes.
These magnets will cure your fucking emphysema.
Yeah, you got tennis elbow magnets with copper.
With...
Oh, you got to have the copper.
The copper.
Without the copper.
I've got a new magnetic copper machete, Billy Wayne that I'm going to start selling.
It cures your arthritis.
That's for my new book, Machete Your Way to Better Health.
Did you get arthritis cutting through the jungle?
Do I have a machete for you?
You didn't get one of the arthritis cure in machetes.
I did not.
I love gesturing with this machete, by the way, Billy.
It is powerful.
It feels good.
It is.
How are you doing, Sophie?
Get people's attention.
You love this machete as much as I do?
I'm going to hang it above the door.
Have you swung it?
Oh, you got to swing the machete, Sophie.
You can't judge it, but here, I'll throw this bottle of water at you.
Feel it.
And you hit it like a baseball bat, okay?
Oh, wow.
You're made me nervous.
Stand up, stand up.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like three feet on either side.
Yeah, you want to get some.
Actually, I'm going to throw this highlighter pen at you.
It'll feel better to hit, okay?
I'm going to overhand it.
Oh, come on, Sophie.
All right.
I don't play baseball.
That's not how you would hit a baseball either.
I don't know.
All right.
This is going to make incredible audio for the podcast.
And I'm just going to keep throwing things at you until you hit them.
Sophie.
She's pacifist.
She can't do it.
All right.
The recoil up.
This is going to make it easier to do it.
Step back.
Yeah.
Powerful swing, Sophie.
Yay!
That was cool.
He went everywhere he goes.
That was good.
Yeah, that did feel good, right?
I just hold onto this for a while.
She took it away.
There's throat lozenges all over the floor.
Oh, it's a cool sack of lozenges.
Throw in lozenges.
Throw in lozenges.
Now, are you still anti?
I mean, I like it.
It's pretty cool, right?
It's great.
I don't know if Robert should have free reign.
I'm looking forward to hitting this Febreze can into the poison room.
Not going to lie.
I'm going to watch it from a safe distance.
So, magnets have been a popular treatment for all kinds of ailments for thousands of years, going back to the beginning of civilization itself.
People have always been aware that certain minerals have magnetic properties, and the idea of sticking them on sick people to alleviate symptoms just sort of came naturally to folks.
By 1600, the idea that magnets might have some sort of serious medical benefit had been thoroughly debunked by a man named William Gilbert.
Gilbert published a book, De Magnete, in which he carried out comprehensive experiments to test popular health claims about magnets and prove that they had zero validity.
This is 1600s.
The 1600s.
This guy, William Gilbert's like, let's test to see if everyone's using magnets for pain.
Let's test them.
Nope, they don't do anything.
So like 500 years ago.
Yeah.
Humans are like, this doesn't stop it.
Well, we're still like...
One smart human was like, this doesn't stop it.
That's true.
No one listened to him.
And then capitalism was like, hey, don't listen.
Fuck it.
Keep selling magnets.
People want to hit their golf ball longer.
Yeah, proof never convinced anyone to not take snake wet.
That's so true.
Yeah, the fact that we knew 500 years ago that magnets didn't do shit meant nothing.
They can't hurt me, though.
Yeah, maybe they'll cure my arthritis.
Have you seen how cool this bracelet looks?
Look, it turned my skin's green.
If I know one thing about medicine, it's that the best medicine comes as a bracelet.
And I buy it at Dick Sporting Studio.
Look, man, I had a doctor named Richard once.
Dick's Sporting Goods.
Same thing.
Same thing.
I'm doing the.
Yeah, the weights.
The weights gesture because they're equivalent.
Because that's a logical step, right there.
According to the skeptical inquirer writing on the subject of magnetic healing, quote, in the 18th and 19th centuries, Franz Mesmer dramatically increased the popularity of magnetic healing with his animal magnetism theory.
Mesmer thought that animal magnetism was a unique force of nature that flowed like a fluid through living things.
He also thought he could manipulate it through a combination of hypnotism and laying on of hands.
After a high-profile debunking by a commission led by Benjamin Franklin, however, Mesmer's fame faded and he died poor and forgotten.
Turns out he's just in a bestiality, you guys.
He's just fucking animals.
I'm going to go drink beer and Ben Franklin.
Yeah, but unfortunately, like other debunkers, people didn't really listen to Ben Franklin either, because Mesmer has continued to maintain a following even after his death.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, people.
That's where mesmerism comes from.
Mesmerizing.
That's where that word comes.
Yeah, he was like one of the big popularizers of hypnotism and shit.
Ah, so he's just charismatic.
Yeah, and one of his big followers was Dee Dee Palmer.
Now, Palmer was not at all convinced by the debunkings carried out by men like Franklin.
For nine years, he used magnets to treat, or rather to fail to treat, all the sundry ailments of his fellow man.
As a charismatic guy, his work attracted attention.
He received negative write-ups in local newspapers, like this article in the Davenport Leader.
Dr. Palmer, a crank on magnetism, has a crazy notion that he can cure the sick and crippled by his magnetic hands.
His victims are the weak-willed, ignorant, and superstitious, those foolish people who have been sick for years and have become tired of the regular physician and want health by a shortcut method.
While many of our educated medical profession are idle, the above knave has all he can do.
Six years ago, he commenced business in the Ryan Block in three rooms.
He has certainly profited by the ignorance of his victims, for his business has increased so that he now uses 42 rooms, which are finely furnished, heated by steam, and lighted by 40 electric lights.
His laundry work and cooking are done by electricity, and the knowing ones say that his cures are also made by it.
He exerts a wonderful magnetic power over his patients, making many of them believe that they are well.
So, Palmer is doing great.
Well, even this guy isn't.
He's not a great writer because he, first of all, he calls him doctor, and then he calls him a crank in the same sentence.
Well, you gotta.
And then he uses, he says he has a magnetic power over the people.
Yeah, you're trying to debunk the magnet thing, but you're also saying, like, he does have a power, so dummies are like, well, you said he had a power.
I'd be willing to bet some people did make that mistake since it's the late 1800s.
I'll give him a little bit of credit on the calling him a doctor thing, because pretty much everyone's a doctor or a colonel in the late 1800s.
Like, you can't, you can't, like, it didn't mean the same thing it does now.
There weren't like licensing requirements in a lot of the country.
So I get calling him a doctor.
Like, it's one of those things where, and this is the trouble about writing about medical cranks in the late 1800s, where it's like it's hard to call someone a fake doctor because even the real doctors are like, The problem's not that he needs magnets.
The problem's that he's got too much blood.
And he needs some heroin.
He needs some heroin and less blood.
Yes.
Yeah, you're exactly right.
Well, that's how I call all my friends Reverend.
Yeah, yeah, that's yeah, it's pretty easy.
I can't wait to get that Reverend Doctor course with you, Billy.
I'm excited.
I'm going to have an audition tomorrow for the commercial.
Feed so many bleach to so many poor people.
Something at that commercial tomorrow, we're going down there.
We're going down.
So, Dr. Palmer's time using magnets to cure people would later prove to be critical to his career in inventing chiropractic medicine.
He wrote later in his autobiography: quote, During this period, much of that which was necessary to complete the science was worked out.
I discovered that many diseases were associated with derangements of the stomach, kidneys, and other organs.
One question was always uppermost in my mind in my search for the cause of the disease.
I desired to know why one person was ailing and his associate, eating at the same table, working in the same shop at the same bench, was not.
Why?
What difference was there in the two persons that caused one to have pneumonia, catara, typhoid, or rheumatism, while his partner, similarly situated, escaped?
Why?
This question had worried thousands for centuries and was answered in September 1895.
The Birth of Chiropractic00:03:16
Oh.
Yeah, you found the answer.
On one day.
On one day.
You're curious about what you're doing.
I would write that down if you got the answer.
Yeah, you might want to take notes on this part here.
It's pretty important.
It's very important.
What day was it?
You got all the time.
Oh, shit.
Well, I guess he's not lying.
Oh, wait, no.
No, sorry.
That was the date of something else.
It was in September of 1895, though.
Oh, see?
He's not lying.
He's got the date down there somewhere.
So the story about how he figured out the cause of all human ailments and gave birth to chiropractic is the story of what happened on that September day in 1895.
So Dr. D.D. Palmer was working late in his office, practicing mesmerism and trying to advance his understanding of channeling the electrical energy of the human body for magical purposes.
And as he was leaving for the night after a long day of this.
How do you know you're done?
Yeah.
When have you reached the end of that?
Figured it as much as I can today.
Well, people are still dying.
I ain't figured it out.
So as he was leaving for the night, he ran into the building's janitor, a man named Harvey Lillard.
Now, Mr. Lillard was deaf.
And once Dan Palmer realized that this guy was deaf, he decided that it was his duty to cure Mr. Lillard of this ailment.
Man.
He is that guy, isn't he?
How you doing?
Oh, you deaf?
I'm going to fix this.
I got you.
I'm going to fix this.
You lucky son of a bitch that I found you.
Now, there are a couple of versions of this story because it's a lie.
The most important.
Because I remember how it happened.
Because this never happened.
And we're going to go into the most detailed version of the story.
But first, you know what we're going to go into right now?
Some ads.
Some products?
Some products.
And the first product I'd like to plug before we break for ads is Fisker's brand unnecessarily large machetes.
If you want a machete that's larger than you probably have a use for, but will feel great to hit things with two-handed.
I mean, just so good, you guys.
One day delivery.
One of my best, really.
That's the funniest part about it.
That's amazing.
It was.
I ordered it on a Saturday.
It came on a Sunday.
Now, people say capitalism's rendering the climate unsustainable and creating an unreasonable wealth disparity and leading to a nightmare future in which the poor and the rich become increasingly separate species due to genetic modification.
Expert.
But what other kind of system could deliver a machete of that quality to your door in a day?
Not one that's thinking about everybody.
Not one that's thinking about everybody.
It is awesome.
I've changed my mind on a lot of things thanks to this machete.
Here's some products.
Services.
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ego Motam.
My next guest, you know, from Step Brothers, Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network.
It's Will Farrell.
My dad gave me the best advice ever.
I went and had lunch with him one day, and I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot.
I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings.
I'm working my way up through it.
I know it's a place they come look for up and coming talent.
He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet.
Yeah.
Will Farrell on Machetes00:03:26
He goes, but there's so much luck involved.
And he's like, just give it a shot.
He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat.
Just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of luck.
Listen to Thanksdat on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
1010 shots fired in City Hall building.
A silver .40 caliber handgun was recovered at the scene.
From iHeart Podcasts and Best Case Studios, this is Rorschach.
Murder at City Hall.
How could this have happened in City Hall?
Somebody tell me that, Jeffrey Hood.
July 2003.
Councilman James E. Davis arrives at New York City Hall with a guest.
Both men are carrying concealed weapons.
And in less than 30 minutes, both of them will be dead.
Everybody in the chamber's ducks.
A shocking public murder.
I screamed, get down, get down.
Those are shots.
Those are shots.
Get down.
A charismatic politician.
You know, he just bent the rules all the time.
And I could shoot you.
And an outsider with a secret.
He alleged he was a victim of flat down.
That may or may not have been political.
That may have been about sex.
Listen to Rorschach, murder at City Hall on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
There's two golden rules that any man should live by.
Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.
And rule two, never mess with her friends either.
We always say, trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of The Girlfriends...
Oh my god, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care.
So they take matters into their own hands.
I said, oh, hell no.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He's going to get what he deserves.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
We're back.
Sophie has admitted that the machete was fun and that she now approves of me doing anything and everything with it.
No, but enjoy.
I will.
I'm very much looking forward to seeing this.
I do really like that the handle is orange.
You know, it just has like, it's very aesthetic.
So you don't get shot by other hunters.
It's very aesthetically pleasing.
It is.
It is.
And it's like just heavy enough where you feel powerful, but not too heavy where you feel weighed down.
Yeah, you can swing it a bunch of times without getting tired.
It does kind of look like something you would use to flip meat.
It does look like you could, you could flip some meat with this.
Sophie Approves the Orange Handle00:14:23
Yeah.
It really would work as a spatula because of the way that the blade is shaped.
But if we're being honest, if you use it as a weapon, shit has went south.
Yeah, yeah.
This would not be the first choice.
Yeah.
You know what wouldn't be my first choice to do with this?
We have these soundboards on the roof that are security.
Security.
And I don't work here, so you can do it.
I encourage you.
And the one right above Sophie has a whole bunch of paper towel rolls on it.
I bet if I cut that thing down, I could rain paper towels on you, Sophie.
I've been good to you.
You have been, but man, that would be fun.
It wouldn't hurt.
That would probably be crossing the line at the office, actually cutting the soundboards off the walls.
That would probably be going too far.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't.
Dan would appreciate it if I didn't.
We will see what happens because there's no guarantees when you've got a Fisker's machete on the table.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Until it takes.
Let's talk about Dr. Palmer.
So, we're talking about the day in September 1895 when he discovered the solution to all human illnesses and ailments.
He met his building's janitor and realized he was deaf and decided that he was going to cure him.
So I'm going to read a version of the story of how he did this that I found in a September 9th, 1989 issue of the Herald Journal, a local paper for Spartanburg, South Carolina.
What?
Yeah, they were covering the opening of a chiropractic college.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Wrote a pretty good synthesis of the different versions of the story.
That makes more sense.
Yeah.
Quote, the building's janitor, Harvey Lillard, was deaf, and Palmer became curious about the cause.
Stories are different on how Palmer was supposed to have discovered that by adjusting a bump on Lillard's neck, his deafness was cured.
One story is that Lillard told Palmer he became deaf after bending over and hearing something crack in his neck, and that Palmer cured the deafness after pressing the bump on Lillard's neck for three consecutive days.
Lillard's daughter, Miss Valdinia Simmons, tells that while Palmer was joking with her father one day, he slapped the man on the back with a book, causing the first chiropractic adjustment.
Palmer's own writings, the chiropractics adjuster, give this account.
Quote, An examination showed a vertebrae racked from its normal position.
I reasoned that if the vertebra was replaced, the man's hearing should be restored.
He talked Lillard into allowing him to replace the vertebrae using the spinous process as a lever, and soon the man could hear as before.
There was nothing crude about this adjustment, Palmer wrote.
It was specific, so much so that no chiropractor has equaled it.
Bullshit.
Well, so yeah, those are the three versions of the story.
One is that he, like, finds a lump on this guy's neck and like slowly adjusts it for three days until he's not deaf.
Another is he hits him on the back with a book.
Yeah.
As a joke.
Hey, bam.
And another is that he gave him a comprehensive examination and then snapped his vertebra back into place.
And then he was like, oh, this vertebrae is connected to your hearing bone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a couple of noteworthy things about this.
One is that according to Palmer's own writings, the first chiropractic adjustment in all of history was the very best, which is not the way a science is.
I don't think that's...
No.
That is how the guy invented dynamite.
The first dynamite was real fucking good dynamite.
Yes.
Same with the first cocaine.
Yes.
The other is that if you take Palmer's version of the story, chiropractic medicine started with a non-consensual medical procedure because while Palmer claimed to have had a conversation with this patient about what he wanted to do, the patient was deaf.
And I don't think D.D. Palmer knew sign language.
No.
I don't even know if there was sign language around at that point.
This is 1895.
Was there sign language in 1895, Sophie?
I'm sure there's a version.
He doesn't write a damn thing about knowing sign language.
So I'm going to say either way.
And he seems to have a lot of money.
Sign language was invented in 1620.
Oh, shit.
Oh, all right.
But he also seems like the kind of guy that would, if he knew how to do something, he'd let you know.
Yeah, the exact wording is he talked Willard into allows him to replace the vertebra.
Which like you lay on the ground, they'll get behind you and pump you.
Yeah, I don't think informed consent, if this was an actual procedure, I do not think informed consent was a part of it.
Well, it's easy to sneak up on somebody too, though, when they can't.
Yeah, especially a deaf man.
Just knock him down.
Just pop his fucking back, do whatever you want.
Yeah, that's how you start a new medical discipline.
Ambushing a deaf man from behind.
You tackle a deaf guy until he can hear.
That's what I did.
And that's how I now I'm a doctor.
We all remember how Jonah Salt killed polio by abducting those kids.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yep.
That's part of Jonas Salt's backstory.
Don't look it up.
Do not look at it.
That embarrasses him.
So, once D.D. Palmer had stumbled onto this new method of healing, he began to work backwards, constructing a brand new theory of how to cure human illness.
He started claiming that his research had led him to discover that every human body was filled with enough natural healing power to cure any ailment afflicting it.
Any illness or sickness affecting a single organ, limb, or region of the body then was caused by a blockage that stopped this healing energy from reaching its proper destination.
Spinal misalignment was the cause of almost all such blockages.
All of them.
The rest of it has nothing to...
I mean, I think clearly there was an exception.
It was like, yeah, if you're shot or something, that's probably not due to a spinal misalignment.
You just got shot.
But like, you got cancer, you got allergies, you got emphysema, you're blind, you're deaf.
That's your fucking spine, bro.
Oh.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
It's all in the spine.
Sickness, that is.
So, in his work with Lillard, Palmer claimed to have discovered that adjusting the spine properly could fix any health ailment.
Thus was the new medical science of chiropractic adjustment born on September 18th, 1895.
That's the day.
Sorry.
My nodes were a little disordered on this.
Over the coming years, D.D. Palmer began teaching his techniques to students around the country.
He established the Palmer College of Chiropractic in 1897 out of Davenport, Iowa.
The school's original name was Palmer's School and Cure, but that name was later changed because it sounds like a scam.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
Hey, people know your scam's a scam.
Yeah, you got to change the name.
Call it a fucking college.
Yeah.
Soon, hundreds upon hundreds of scams.
They still haven't figured out that that's a scam yet.
No, because this college is still in operation.
Well, in any of them.
Yeah.
Speaking of which, my back's hurting.
Yeah.
Got an appointment with my chiropractor.
God.
He might cure my deafness, too.
It's what it is.
It's just releasing tension.
Yeah, some chiropractors are good at massage.
We'll get into that a little more later.
We'll get into the research later.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
Sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Thank you for apologizing.
You're welcome.
But really, this machete is all the apology you ever need to give me.
Okay.
Sophie, can I hit the Febreze yet?
She's saying no.
We should probably wait until the end anyway, because it might be a real bad idea.
What's the scent?
Gain.
The scent on the Febreze is gain.
This is a great smell and detergent.
It eliminates tough lingering odors.
It might be good in the poison room.
Yep.
It might clear the poison out of the poison room.
Might be a neutral room.
Sophie looks convinced.
Billy Wayne's logic is airtight.
Yep.
I think that's what we're going to do.
Unlike the poison room.
Unlike the poison room.
Soon, hundreds upon hundreds of chiropractors were plying their trade from sea to shining sea.
Now, I wanted to provide everybody with a deep understanding of what kinds of things exactly D.D. Palmer was claiming that chiropractic adjustment could do as he refined his new science.
So I found the blog of a popular chiropractic motivational speaker, Dr. Ward.
Now, Dr. Ward seems to be a grifter even within this field of grifters.
This is a current guy?
Yeah, he's a current guy.
He's a motivational speaker who I think motivates chiropractors.
Hell yeah.
What a nature.
Yeah, that's a metagrift right there, baby.
I love that shit.
Honey, I found my mark.
Yeah, so he compiled a list of 10 things the founder said about chiropractic medicine.
Now, all of these 10 things are direct quotes from various works published by D.D. Palmer.
I'm going to read that whole list to you now, Billy.
Okay.
I'm fascinated.
Yeah, let me know when you got questions.
Quote number one.
The basic principle and the principles of chiropractic, which have been developed from it, are not new.
They are as old as the vertebra.
I am not the first person to replace subluxated vertebra, for this art has been practiced for thousands of years.
Art.
Art.
Yeah, I keep calling it a science because I don't know what else to call it or like a branch of medicine.
He seems to refer to it more as an art here.
So maybe that's a mistake in my write-up of it.
I think modern chiropractors try to make it seem like a science.
I would.
Yeah, it's better.
Yeah.
I would.
Nobody's like, ah, I'm hurting real bad.
Take me to the artist.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, where's Banksy?
Where's Banksy?
He can fix this shit.
Number two, do not forget that chiropractors did not treat diseases.
They adjust causes, whether acquired, spontaneous, or the result of accident.
I mean, yeah, I think that's the root of all disease is finding the cause, but.
It's the same.
It's actually the same justification, if you remember from the bleach drinking guy who was like, oh, this won't, this doesn't cure anything.
It just fixes the causes of the sickness.
Which is...
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Drugs are delusive.
They do not adjust anything.
Which, you taking the wrong fucking drugs, buddy.
I get adjusted all the damn time.
Yeah, the ones I've taken adjusted some stuff that I don't have to take those drugs anymore.
I was just in Mexico where if you learn five or six of the right words, you can get almost anything out of a drugstore, and I got some shit adjusted.
Did it adjust itself back?
Not yet.
Yeah.
Pro tip for going to Mexico.
Learn how to say, my friend's dog is sick.
I need ketamine.
Wow.
Yes.
Great sentence.
And they're like, and they just smile when you say that, right?
Well, it depends.
Yeah.
Yeah, it depends.
Sometimes you got to go to a couple pharmaceas is all I'm saying.
You don't have a dog.
The philosophy of chiropractic is founded upon the knowledge of the manner in which a vital functions are performed by innate and health and disease.
When controlling intelligence is able to transmit mental impulses to all parts of the body, free and unobstructed, we have normal action, which is health.
You want to diagram that fucking sentence.
Like, look at that.
Look at that.
It's number four.
Look at that fucking sentence to me.
And tell me that's not written by a fucking idiot.
Can I reread it?
The philosophy of chiropractic is founded upon the knowledge of the manner in which vital functions are performed by innate in health and disease.
When the controlling intelligence is able to transmit mental impulses to all parts of the body, free and unobstructed, we have normal action, which is health.
I think that's how Trump would like to say.
I think that's how he thinks he sounds when he talks.
It's someone with an open head wound who's also eloquent.
Yeah, I love the idea that normal action is health, which I'm going to.
I actually just sent a bunch of emails out to my friends with multiple sclerosis and like major depressive disorder.
Yes.
Good news.
The normal action of your body is health.
So you're healthy.
Yeah, you're healthy.
You just got to get your spine adjusted.
That's why that autoimmune disease is fucking with your organs.
Yeah.
Because you're not.
It's your back.
You're not walking the mind.
You got to pop that shit.
Yeah.
Have you cracked your back?
Chiropractors correct abnormalities of the intellect as well as those of the body.
He was real focused on the idea that they called them imbeciles, which is like what we call mentally handicapped, what we used to call, I don't know what the exact terms people use now are, but like people who had mental disorders, they just called imbeciles.
And so he wrote a lot about how, oh, no, if your kid's an imbecile, you just got to pop his back.
Like that's the problem with babies when they're not thinking right is you got to pop their backs.
They're going to get back onto that a little bit.
They're going to go back to babies.
Why do they always go to babies?
If you want to practice medicine with no education or ability to do so, eventually you're going to start doing it to babies.
Because that's where babies don't.
Babies can't tell you if shit's not working.
Fuck.
You can pour bleach up a baby all day long, and adults eventually are going to be like, you know what?
I think I've had enough fucking bleach.
Yeah, and the babies just.
Babies are just going to take that bleach all day long.
You can bleach a baby from here to Kingdom Come.
It's so messed up.
Mm-hmm.
So messed up to look at a baby and not want to take care of it.
Yeah.
Part of me thinks maybe these people think they're taking care.
Some of them do.
Some of them are just narcissists.
Yes.
Yeah.
Pure ego.
There's pure ego where I want to save the baby.
And then there's other ones where like, well, I think more than anything, we hope that there are humans in there.
And it's a little like, I don't want to judge.
I think, I don't know if I honestly don't know if D.D. Palmer is a good guy or a bad guy.
I think he's probably a piece of shit.
Yeah.
I think he's probably a scammer.
Medicine was primitive enough in this period where like you can't totally blame someone for thinking crazy shit.
But the ambition he has makes him like to keep going the way he does.
Yeah.
And it'll get crazier here.
But let's finish our list.
He assumed.
Many patients imagine that they have tried everything.
True, they have used many remedies, but they have never had the cause of their infirmity adjusted.
Which is, again, this is one of the key aspects of chiropractic is that like, if you just get treated for your AIDS, that's not going to deal with it.
You got to pop them fucking vertebra.
That's the cause.
Oh.
Or whatever.
I got AIDS in my vertebra.
Yeah, you get your fucking smallpox starts in the vertebra, man.
Life is but the expression of spirit through matter.
To make life manifest requires the union of spirit and body.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we're into some.
Popping Vertebrae for Health00:04:08
You could sell this in LA.
This is the chiropractor's name.
I was going to say that they're already here.
So he's saying, oh, it's quite a fucking.
Chiropractic is founded upon different principles than those of medicine.
Which, yeah, I laid the foundation and built thereon.
Say that again, doctor.
Of chiropractic.
He called it a science.
Okay.
There we go.
So if you're wondering what Palmer meant when he said that chiropractic was founded on different principles than medicine, well, for one thing, he meant ghosts.
Yeah, it's time for some fucking ghosts, Billy Wayne.
Yeah, ghosts are in play now.
I'm already, he's a bad person.
You know what else is in play?
That machete.
This machete.
And the one wonderful fine sponsors who make this show possible.
I'm going to hit this alto at 10 with machete.
And then we're going to go to ads.
Here we go.
Oh.
Products!
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ego Modem.
My next guest, you know, from Step Brothers, Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network.
It's Will Farrell.
Woo, My dad gave me the best advice ever.
I went and had lunch with him one day, and I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot.
I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings.
I'm working my way up through it.
I know it's a place they come look for up and coming talent.
He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet.
Yeah.
He goes, but there's so much luck involved.
And he's like, just give it a shot.
He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of luck.
Listen to Thanksgiving on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
10-10 shots fired, City Hall building.
A silver .40 caliber handgun was recovered at the scene.
From iHeart Podcasts and Best Case Studios, this is Rorschach.
Murder at City Hall.
How could this have happened in City Hall?
Somebody tell me that, Jeffrey.
What did I?
July 2003.
Councilman James E. Davis arrives at New York City Hall with a guest.
Both men are carrying concealed weapons.
And in less than 30 minutes, both of them will be dead.
Everybody in the chamber's ducks.
A shocking public murder.
I scream, get down, get down.
Those are shots.
Those are shots.
Get down.
A charismatic politician.
You know, he just bent the rules all the time.
I still have a weapon.
And I could shoot you.
And an outsider with a secret.
He alleged he was a victim of flat down.
That may or may not have been political.
That may have been about sex.
Listen to Rorschach, Murder at City Hall on the iHeartRadio app.
Apple Podcasts are wherever you get your podcasts.
There's two golden rules that any man should live by.
Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.
And rule two, never mess with her friends either.
We always say, trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of The Girlfriends...
Oh my God, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care.
So they take matters into their own hands.
I said, oh, hell no.
I vowed I will be his last target.
Ghosts Inventing Medicine00:13:17
He's going to get what he deserves.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
We're back, and Sophie and Billy Wayne are just talking about the fact that, as Sophie noted, this is the first time we've talked about ghosts in a year and a half of this show.
It's been a year and a half.
I think it's been closing in on a year and a half.
And you think that more of these bastards would believe a ghost?
Yeah, you think at least more of them.
Maybe, you know, it's also a lot of it's kind of the bastards I've selected.
Maybe I just haven't picked as many ghost-based grifters.
That's true.
They've got to be there.
I think they're probably, I mean, a lot of visions come from ghosts.
Yeah.
A lot of visions.
And that's the story we're about to talk about.
Because I didn't see ghosts coming, and I don't know why.
You never see ghosts coming.
Well, you do sometimes if you're looking.
If you got the sight.
But the thing about... 475 days.
Yeah, it's about right.
I'm sending it.
That's in the ballpark.
I like that.
But like the putting the spirit with medicine and popping your back.
I do like that theory.
Yeah.
Which is like, yeah, I could probably, like you said, it's some LA bullshit.
It's like your energy's alive.
You got to get your spirit aligned with your body, brah.
Uh-huh.
And your chakras.
Your chakras got to be straight, brah.
Well, it's like I practice Kundalini yoga, and not as much as I used to, but I do like it.
It's a lot of breathing is what it is.
Breathing's great.
Oh, it's very important.
Well, and then I've learned since practicing it, like a lot of cult leaders have used it because it's mind-altering.
Yes, it is because of all the oxygen and stuff.
So people think that these people have powers and are like, oh, that's such a funny thing to do.
Yeah.
Whenever somebody makes you feel something like that, maybe try having that experience without them around.
Yes.
Test if their magics first.
Exactly.
Test it.
Test it.
Yeah.
It's like if you have a really good, you just meet somebody, right, for the first time.
And like the first time y'all hang out romantically, you take MDMA together.
Maybe go take ecstasy with somebody you hate and see how profound that experience is before you decide that you're actually in love with that person.
Just pro titty.
It's so good to get.
Yeah, some pro tips.
Really, just don't take ecstasy with someone until you've been dating for more than six months.
Yeah.
And you're in a fight.
That's how it is.
That's how you have to do it.
Well, that's how it was invented.
Yeah.
Was through psychology, psychiatrists.
Well, that was the first use it took.
I think it was invented by accident by some for me.
That's what I mean.
But that's when they were fucking shit.
But that's when they started applying it to shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was.
And it did work for a while.
It's great.
I feel great.
Oh, it's great.
You know what?
You still suck now.
I don't like that thing you do.
If therapists all over the country could just prescribe MDMA to people, we wouldn't need fucking chiropractors.
I'll tell you that much.
And Diplo would be way more popular in your life.
Diplo would be huge.
Okay.
So, yeah, let's talk about how ghosts helped invent chiropractic medicine.
That's what I thought.
That's why I came here today.
One ghost.
Just one.
Just one ghost.
I don't want to make it sound silly by pretending that there's just like a bunch of ghosts inventing chiropractic.
That is noble.
There's a single ghost that invented chiropractic.
He's like, don't make me sound like a dick.
And it's the ghost of a dead doctor.
Fuck.
Yeah.
I mean, that means it's, that means it's credible.
They just, they put it in fifth.
A dead doctor wouldn't lie.
No.
Not a dead doctor that stuck around to pass this information along.
Yeah, he'd been dead more than 50 years.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's a mission.
So this doctor, dead doctor, Dr. Jim Atkinson, apparently came to D.D. Palmer during a seance.
And that's where he claims he learned most of the rules of chiropractic medicine.
Fuck.
Yeah.
I'm going to read an excerpt from his autobiography, which was published after his death in 1914.
I want to interrupt you real quick.
Sure.
Okay.
If you would have, if I was on one of these shows where it was like, you've never heard of this story, write a version of how you think chiropractic was invented.
Yeah.
And I'm a comedian.
So I would come up with something stupid and outrageous.
Yeah.
I would never say that.
You never say ghosts.
Never.
Yeah.
Would that pop in my head?
No.
This was one of those ones, like I started looking into this and like it was already pretty badty.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then like fucking ghosts.
It's that's like I can't.
It's like it's like with Trump where you're like, well, be funny about it.
I can't.
I can't be funnier than a ghost invented medicine where you pop your back.
Fuck.
Yeah.
I'm just going to listen.
It's the ghost of a doctor.
I'm just going to listen for 15 minutes.
Yeah, I'm going to read out from his autobiography.
Quote, the knowledge and philosophy given to me by Dr. Jim Atkinson, who had again been dead by 50 years, an intelligent spiritual being, together with explanations of phenomena, principles, resolved from causes, effects, powers, laws, and utility, appealed to my reason.
The method by which I obtained an explanation of certain physical phenomena from an intelligence in the spiritual world is known in biblical language as inspiration.
In a great measure, the chiropractor's adjuster was written under such spiritual promptings.
That's the book that was like the foundational text of chiropractic.
Appealed to my reason.
Yeah, appealed to my reason by talking to me as a ghost during a seance.
He appealed to my reason.
That ghost was pretty full of shit.
I don't think I've ever heard somebody say, like, yeah, a ghost told me to do something, but that ghost was a fucking liar.
I mean, it was like, come back with actual reasons, ghost, and then I'll listen to you.
I kind of want to see that movie where like a ghost starts trying to like warn somebody about like the future or like starts trying to deliver incarnation prophet, but he's just dumb as shit.
Like it's just the ghost of a really dumb person.
Nate Bargettsi's got a great joke.
People got to drink more bleach.
He's like, if I went back in time, I couldn't warn people or even explain how future is like, well, look at this phone.
They're like, wow, how's it work?
He's like, ah, shit.
I don't know.
It's pretty cool, all right?
He's like, I would just be a guy with cool stuff.
I know what I'd do.
I'd go back to like 1910 and I'd move to Europe and I'd create a cult all about assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
Oh.
Because then he'd never die.
No, he would not.
No, he would not have died.
And then maybe we could have stopped World War I.
And that would have prevented World War II.
Probably.
Yeah, no Hitler.
Yeah.
You thought this through.
That trip to Mexico was worth it.
It was.
I figured out how to save the world.
I'm just going to crowdfund a time machine now.
And I think in order to make that time machine, I'm going to need to spend a lot more time researching in Mexican pharmacies.
I think you should.
I need to go to some Guatemalan pharmacies.
You can pick up hydrocodone there.
A ghost doctor told me that.
Yep.
So, the founder of chiropractic medicine claimed that a great deal of the discipline was revealed to him by the ghost of a long-dead doctor he contacted during a seance.
That's the quick summary here.
Now, the term chiropractic itself literally means done by hand.
Since the whole idea behind the discipline had come from an all-knowing ghost, there was no research or study in D.D. Palmer's early chiropractic medicine.
Once he'd identified the cause of all human ailments, the subluxated bones, there was nothing else to do but teach people how to pop those bones back into place.
I'm going to go chiropractic me an orgasm.
That you actually can do.
No, I've done it.
I know.
So I should note here that subluxation, which is a term that you'll hear a lot from chiropractors today, is in fact a real thing.
The actual medical meaning of the term is basically a term for when a joint in your body has popped partly out of its socket.
Now this can damage tissues around the socket, but it cannot, for example, cause deafness.
But chiropractors to this day claim they can fix and feel vertebral subluxations by hand, and that these subluxations cause roughly 95% of the ailments suffered by people.
95% of all.
It depends on the chiropractor.
There's different kinds now, some of which reject a lot of this.
But like, yeah, that's the initial idea behind the science, is that like 95 or so percent of human ailments are caused by subluxations, which you can just fix by feeling around.
I think we would have figured that out or yeah, it's not that hard.
No.
As chiropractic medicine and its founder aged, it shifted and morphed.
This was helped along by D.D. Palmer's son, B.J. Palmer, who got involved in his father's work near the beginning of the movement.
Like his dad, BJ had worked as a mesmerist before getting into back medicine.
I, like my father, am also foolish yet.
He'd also worked for the circus.
Hell yeah.
He's an accomplished bullshit.
He's an accomplished bullshit.
It's a whole family of liars.
He did the work.
According to science-based medicine, quote, he was reported to state, when I saw there was no use for a sympathetic nervous system, I threw it out and then just had to put something better in its place.
So I discovered direct mental impulse.
BJ also discovered a non-existent duct of palmer connecting the spleen to the stomach.
In 1907, BJ engineered a hostile takeover of his father's school of chiropractic.
Amazing.
Yeah, different people will say that it was more amiable or that it was more ugly.
Some people say he paid him $2,000.
Some people say he stiffed him out of all the money.
It's kind of unclear what happened.
So usually then that means it's not what it wasn't good.
It wasn't good.
It was very acrimonious.
They didn't get along.
Yeah.
B.J. Palmer set the tone that would later dominate the field of chiropractic.
He emphasized salesmanship, advertising, and practice building.
He was highly critical of medicine, stating that MD stands for more death.
He continuously sought new methods for increasing revenues, such as his neurocalcometer, which would pinpoint subluxations by measuring skin temperature, and he decreed that must be rented from him by other practitioners at exorbitant fees.
Why is he so against any actual medicine?
Because it works.
You can't keep bringing people in for the same problem if they're doing stuff that helps.
Ah, I see.
But to me, even the scam would be like a smarter scam would be like, you're applying both.
I think that's what they do now.
That is what they do now.
A lot of them.
It's also part of the problem is that a real honest doctor, sometimes they're just going to tell you, can't do anything.
Yeah.
You got this problem and it sucks.
And it's always going to suck.
Yeah, it's like maybe there's some ways to mitigate it, but there's no curing it.
Like, why am I sore every day?
Because you've been alive for 40 years.
Yeah, you've been alive too long, man.
Fuck.
Nobody's supposed to live more than 20.
Supposed to have your kid at 19 and push him off into the world at 2.
I had one at 28, and then we just had one, but I do think I should have had two at 28.
So, under B.J. Palmer's reign, chiropractic expanded, growing ever larger and sucking in ever more ambitious young doctors who felt that jabbing around someone's back was a hell of a lot easier than going to actual medical school.
You have to remember a lot.
You have to learn a lot of stuff about blood and shit.
They want you to know it, not just remember it, too.
Yeah, they want you to actually know things, not just make up.
Yep, feels like that's the cancer part of the back that needs fixing.
Pop.
You're done.
That's what you get.
You just got to get good at going making that sound.
D.D. Palmer continued to act as a figurehead of the movement, and his writings remained influential.
But BJ ran the show from around 1907 on forward.
Now, from the beginning of the movement, chiropractors called themselves doctors.
And in the 1890s, this was not much of an issue because the difference between doctors and doctors was pretty minimal.
In fact, since many legitimate licensed MDs back then fed their patients mercury and heroin cough syrup, many people would have been better off in the hands of a guy who was just going to give them a back massage.
But this state of affairs did not persist long.
In the early part of the 20th century, medicine began to professionalize quickly, spurred on by developments of things like vaccines and antibiotics that clearly worked much better than just pushing on somebody's vertebrae.
As you might have expected, D.D. Palmer railed against many of these developments.
He became an early anti-vaccine advocate, writing that, quote, it is the very height of absurdity to strive to protect any person from smallpox or any other malady by inoculating them with filthy animal poison.
No one will ever pollute the blood of any member of my family unless he cares to walk over my dead body to perform such an operation.
And we had to.
Yeah, and we had to.
Thankfully, the smallpox got him.
His son BJ added in 1909: Chiropractors have found in every disease that is supposed to be contagious a cause in the spine.
In the spinal column, you will find a subluxation that corresponds to every type of disease.
If we had 100 cases of smallpox, I can prove to you where in one, you will find a subluxation and you will find the same condition in the other 99.
I just, one, return his functions to normal, and you could do the same with the other 99.
Well, I mean, it is this, it's that scam from where there's like a kernel of truth, where there's like the central nervous system is throughout the spine.
So there is a lot of pain that you can alleviate certain types of pain because of slip disc and things like that.
Yeah, I'm sure you can make people feel better.
Diseased shit is not, it doesn't go too long.
No, no, smallpox starts in the spine.
Hard.
I'm not even a doctor, but it's just like knowing what you don't know, I think, is so important.
Subluxations as Disease Causes00:11:07
Yeah, but if you're going to be a great grifter, the key is that you just pretend you know everything you don't know.
And you don't listen to anyone who says otherwise.
Seems fun.
It does seem fun.
It does.
It seems if you didn't love anyone, if you were either incapable of that or just like had gotten to a point in your life where you're like, fuck it.
Yeah.
Like if you ever see me hawking brain pills, that's what's happened is I've just given up on my fellow man and have decided to cash in.
And I am proud to announce my new job as a columnist for the Daily Wire.
And I will have a Sophie threw a pin at me.
Ever-expanding church somewhere in the South.
Oh, man, selling bleach, magnets, just back rubs.
Selling Jesus.
That's all you got to sell.
That really is the king of all grifts.
Well, what you described, and it hit me when you said the son came in and moved out the father.
That's Osteen.
It's what?
That's Joel Osteen.
Oh, Joe Osteen.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's the same thing that happened.
He went and learned how to produce television in college and then was dad.
And he was like, Dad, move.
You're too old.
I got this.
Just take the pride.
He's good at it.
I'm not going to care about it.
You can't fault the guy on his grifting.
No.
No, you cannot.
He's exceptional.
He is.
If you don't know about Joel Olstein, he's the guy who had tens of thousands of square foot of immaculate space in the city of Houston when a huge chunk of that city flooded and many people were made refugees.
And he made none of it open.
But they just got new carpet.
They had just got, and you don't want people on that carpet.
And we're not talking about people.
A church, like a big church.
We're talking about the arena where the Houston Rockets used to play.
Yeah.
That's where.
Yeah.
I think Jesus would have done the same thing.
That's yeah.
We all remember in the Bible when he came upon some poor person with dirty feet and was like, I'm not going to wash your feet.
They're gross as hell.
And I got new carpet.
I just robe is new.
Yeah.
And I won't have to get classic Jesus.
Ah, prosperity gospel.
Really hated dirty people.
Prosperity Jesus.
If I know one thing about Jesus, it's he did not like refugees.
He's like, ah, it looks like my dad wanted you to be poor.
Ah, the Sermon on the Mount.
That's fuck you got mine.
So as medicine grew more professional, more and more states began passing laws that created stricter requirements for licensure as a medical doctor.
BJ fought against these requirements politically wherever he could.
But his father picked a different tactic for protecting chiropractic from government meddling.
He started pushing the claim that, rather than medical science, chiropractic was a religion and thus utterly immune from any state oversight.
He's not dumb.
He's not dumb.
No.
Smart move.
He's not dumb.
That's a solid play.
God.
Yeah, I didn't realize it had started as a religion.
That's smart.
A ghost religion.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, yeah.
I'm not even mad at him.
Damn.
Yeah, you got to respect a guy who can zig and zag like that.
Well, and he's not, I mean, he is hurting, and he's probably promising.
He's hurting a lot of people.
He is, yeah.
And I was going to say, he's not really just popping their back, but he's giving people a false hope.
Yeah, that is.
Damn it.
Yeah.
I'm mad at him again.
Son of a bitch can zag.
Yeah, but he's zagging at the tip of the hat.
Yeah.
The earliest evidence we have of this shift towards treating chiropractic as a religion is a letter that D. Dee Palmer wrote to a colleague, P.W. Johnson, in April of 1911.
I should note before reading this, so it makes sense, that D.D. Palmer frequently referred to himself in his writings as Old Dad.
So when you hear old dad, he's writing about himself.
O-L-D or O-L-E?
O-L-D.
Weird.
Old Dad.
I'm old dad.
Well, he's from the North.
Okay, that makes it okay.
Yours of April 26th at hand.
It contains an interesting and financial question, one which I think old dad will hold the key of.
Stop right now and read two sections in this enclosed circular on pages 2 and 8 marked and see if you cannot grasp the way out.
That which I see we are coming to.
I want you to study these two items marked.
The same ideas are in my book, although not put out quite so plain as found in these two sections.
I occupy in chiropractic a similar position as did Miss Eddie in Christian Science.
Miss Eddie claimed to receive her ideas from the other world, and so do I.
She founded their honor religion, and so may I.
I am all caps, the only one in chiropractic who can do so.
Ye, old dad always has something new to give to his followers.
I have much written for another edition when this one is sold.
It is all caps.
Strange to me why every chiropractor does not want a copy of my book.
Now, when he refers to Miss Eddie, he's talking about Mary Eddie Baker, the founder of Christian Science, which is another religion that focuses around spiritual healing and refusal to accept basic medical help.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So D. D. Palmer's saying, like, I'm just going to do what that lady did.
Yeah.
And it's like, it's really transparent the way he writes it out, too.
Like, he even says she claimed to receive her ideas from the other world.
I claim that too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm going to claim that.
I have that claim ticket as well.
Also, the idea that he's going to publish the new edition of the book, Making These Claims, when the last edition of his book on chiropractic is sold out.
But smart.
Yeah, he's just a fucking grifter, yeah.
Old dad is a folksy.
That's a smart.
I mean, all these dudes are just brilliant marketers.
Yeah, they call him Papa Chiro sometimes, too.
Are you from Egypt?
What?
What's Egypt?
So if you like that one.
Didi would go on to write in this letter that rather than pushing for laws to specifically establish chiropractic medicine as a legitimate branch of medicine, chiropractors should just seek exemption from any laws based on the fact that chiropractic is a religion.
Quote, exemption clauses instead of chiro laws by all means, and let that exemption be the right to practice our religion.
That's all caps.
But we must have a religious head, one who is the founder, as did Christ, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, and Miss Eddie, Martin Luther, and other who have founded religions.
I am the fountainhead.
I am the founder of chiropractic in its science, in its art, in its philosophy, and in its religious phase.
Now, if chiropractors desire to claim me as their head, their leader, the way is clear.
My writings have been gradually steering in that direction until now it is time to assume that we have the same right to as Christian scientists.
I am the prophet.
I am the prophet.
I'm like Mohammed, but with popping backs.
Yep.
And I'm here to save the world.
Mm-hmm.
That's his.
Yeah.
That's really what he's going for.
I'm with you, head injuries.
Yeah, I might have a factor.
Although he's really pretty cunning about this.
I kind of think that that letter proves that he actually was seeing this pretty clear-headed.
No, he knows what he's doing.
Well, that move to be like, this is a religion.
Yeah, it's a religion.
You're like, oh, okay.
Medicine's turning into a real thing now.
Yeah, it's a religion.
Yeah, or his kids whisper, you know when we always thought like...
Like, he made the Scientology pivot like a century.
Well, not a century, but like 70 years before Scientology did.
But he recognized that real quick.
Very quickly.
That like this is the future for American grifting, is just calling whatever crime you commit a religion, so it's fine.
Well, I think they've been doing that since the start.
Yeah, but in a different way, I think.
Or not at the level.
Yeah, not quite like this.
It's the ambition that sets you apart, really.
Yeah, it's the ambition that sets you apart.
Now, I found this note hosted on chiro.org, which bills itself as a chiropractic research organization.
This should key you in on the fact that modern-day chiropractors do not exactly wholeheartedly reject the idea that their discipline, which is usually just billed as another medical specialization, is actually a religion.
In order to make this case authoritatively and establish a bright future for chiropractic with himself as spine-cracking Jesus, Dee Dee Palmer began to work on a book he believed would be his masterpiece, The Chiropractor.
He finished this work, but before he could edit and publish it, he died.
Possibly because his son murdered him with a car.
We don't actually know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The truth here remains heavily debated to this day.
What is beyond debating is that Didi and BJ had not gotten along for years.
The father never forgave the son for carrying out a hostile takeover of his chiropractic college.
The son seems to have been a dick and maybe a sociopath who was disliked by basically everybody.
The BJ murdered his dad side of the story starts with the annual parade of the Universal Chiropractors Association held on August 27th.
We know that after the parade, Didi Palmer rapidly sickened and eventually died.
Three different witnesses swore affidavits that Didi's illness was caused by his son striking him with a car.
Probably knocked his back out of whack and gave him cancer.
That would give you cancer.
Yeah.
One witness wrote this in a court affidavit.
I saw Mr. B.J. Palmer coming down the street in his automobile, hitting him, De De, and continuing to shove him towards the curbing.
If it appeared to me that Dr. Dide Palmer was being hit as he was and as hard as he was by the automobile, he must have been thrown to the ground and run over.
Dr. D. D. Palmer was very excited and stated as he started for his house, I'm going to call up the police and see if I can have protection, as I am afraid of my life.
So that's one of the witnesses saying that he was hit by a car.
But of the three eyewitness accounts, all are slightly different.
Some say he was hit in the back, some say in the leg.
And for what it's worth, R.C. Smith, the marshal of the parade, offered the most detailed recitation of events.
This recitation does not blame BJ for the murder, and it instead makes it look like D.D. Palmer was just a catankerous old asshole who insisted on marching at the head of the parade and probably kind of walked himself to death.
Nice.
Yeah, yeah.
As I was lining up the marchers, I noticed Dr. D.D. Palmer was attempting to lead the parade, and I went up to him and taking him by the arm, stopped him and attempted to lead up the street, saying, This will be a long walk before we return, and you will be very tired, and it will be better for you to go up and get into one of the faculty autos and ride, taking it easy and let us young fellows do the walking, or words of similar import.
This apparently pleased him for the moment, but in an instant he broke loose from me and said, Damn the faculty, I'm going to lead this parade.
He became very abusive, and I led him over to the sidewalk from the center of the street.
In a few minutes, he made another effort to lead the parade, but I made him desist.
And as I stepped up to the band of musicians to start the parade, I noticed that Dr. B.J. Palmer's car was slipping out of line to the left side of the street when I again saw D.D. Palmer in the street lead of the procession.
And I again ran up to him and taking him by the shoulder, started pushing him to the west side of the street and sidewalk.
And as I looked over my shoulder, I discovered that B.J. Palmer's auto was coasting close to us, and I gave D.D. Palmer a shove and got him out of the way of the car.
As it slipped by, it struck me with the fender before BJ could stop.
The car did not touch said D.D. Palmer, nor was it closer than four or five feet from him at any time while he was on the street.
Governor Morris was in the auto at the time that it happened.
Again, D.D. Palmer hurried to the sidewalk and then entered the Argyle Flats, and the parade proceeded down Brady Street.
And on several occasions, D.D. Palmer attempted to get at the head of the marchers, but returned to the sidewalk whenever I hovered in sight until we arrived at or near 5th Street, when he led the parade for about half a block until I came towards him and then went on the sidewalk and did not attempt to lead again.
At 3rd and Brady Streets, D.D. Palmer again went to the center of the streets and talked to the traffic officer who told him to go onto the sidewalk and keep out of the street.
I further swear that I invited Dr. D. Dee Palmer several times to ride in an auto, but he persistently refused.
He seemed too obsessed to get to the front and lead the marchers.
No other place in the parade would answer his ideas as to his place.
He was very abusive at the time I escorted him away from the front of the band.
I mean, it sounds like...
Yeah, it checks out.
That sounds like his ego the whole time.
He was just a dick.
Palmer Leads the Parade00:06:02
Yeah.
And it sounds like, no, I'm the best.
No, I have to be in charge of this.
Yes.
Yep.
Which is like, ah, that.
It sounds like he was an old man who overstrained himself marching, and then some of his followers later blamed his son on the murder.
Although...
But his son gave enough reason to be like...
Because he was a piece of shit, an asshole.
And clearly hit someone else with his car that day.
So it's not like there's a good guy.
Yes.
People did get hit by a car at the point.
You hear that story, you're like, I mean, it sounds like everyone is probably telling the truth on some level.
Yeah.
His son was like, I did hit him, yeah.
It's like one of those stories when you hear about like two neo-Nazi leaders of an organization, one claiming that like the other embezzled and the other claiming that the other embezzled from company funds.
And it's like, yeah, you probably both did.
I believe you.
I believe you both are scum.
But you know who's not scum, Billy Wayne Davis?
The advertisers who support this show with their dollars.
What is the Koch brothers?
Well, yeah, then they suck.
Yeah.
They should probably get some spinal adjustments.
I don't know if they have a spine.
I think they have a spine.
It's the people they buy who don't.
That's very true.
They definitely have a spine.
They make a lot of fucking well-known.
I was going to say, from what I've read about them, they're very in your face about what they believe.
I will hit them on a number of things, but they are not spinning more as like an alien, not having an actual spine.
Yeah, alien would be a good idea.
No, they're confident.
Daniel's looking at us, wondering when this ad transition is actually going to turn into ad time.
Sorry.
At some point, Daniel.
At some point.
It'll happen.
No.
Brothers!
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ego Motor.
Next guest, you know, from Step Brothers, Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network, it's Will Farrell.
Woo, My dad gave me the best advice ever.
I went and had lunch with him one day, and I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot.
I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings.
I'm working my way up through, and I know it's a place to come.
Look for up and coming talent.
He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet.
Yeah.
He goes, but there's so much luck involved.
And he's like, just give it a shot.
He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of luck.
Listen to Thanks, Dad, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
10-10 shots fired, City Hall building.
A silver .40 caliber handgun was recovered at the scene.
From iHeart Podcasts and Best Case Studios, this is Rorschach, murder at City Hall.
How could this have happened in City Hall?
Somebody tell me that!
Jeffrey Hood did it.
July 2003, Councilman James E. Davis arrives at New York City Hall with a guest.
Both men are carrying concealed weapons.
And in less than 30 minutes, both of them will be dead.
Everybody in the chamber deducts a shocking public murder.
I screamed, get down, get down.
Those are shots.
Those are shots.
Get down.
A charismatic politician.
You know, he just bent the rules all the time, man.
I still have a weapon.
And I could shoot you.
And an outsider with a secret.
He alleged he was a victim of flat down.
That may or may not have been political.
That may have been about sex.
Listen to Rorschach, murder at City Hall on the iHeartRadio app.
Apple Podcasts are wherever you get your podcasts.
There's two golden rules that any man should live by.
Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.
And rule two, never mess with her friends either.
We always say, trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of The Girlfriends.
Oh my God, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care.
So they take matters into their own hands.
I said, oh, hell no.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He's going to get what he deserves.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What's back my.
I don't know why I'm opening it that way.
We just went out for a break for a minute and I thought it was the second episode, but we're just coming back from ads.
I have decided what this machete looks like, Billy Wayne Davis.
What is it?
If the orcs and the Lord of the Rings had won the war and then modernized into a liberal democracy, this is what all of their swords would look like.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
Mass-produced them.
Mass-produced, nice little orange grips.
They're not trying to be all scary anymore.
Stainless steel because it's easier to keep clean.
Yep.
Fisker sounds like an orc word.
Still looks kind of cool.
Yep.
Yep.
You know, if they'd wiped out the elves, there'd be a bunch of orcs in 500 years who like all dressed up in cosplayed as elves.
And like, you know, like orc burning man, they'd have a lot of like elf religious wear and stuff that like they wouldn't know they were using it in an offensive way, but they'd mean well.
Just having fun.
Just have fun.
Just having fun.
Innate Intelligence Explained00:14:52
What I'm saying is that America is what happens when the orcs win.
I think that's what happens when anyone wins.
And then they keep winning.
Yeah.
Because of all the winning.
Guns.
Yeah.
It helps.
So BJ was never convicted of killing his father, and the preponderance of evidence seems to suggest that D.D. Palmer's death had nothing to do with his son.
It probably had more to do with bad salmon and his refusal to accept basic medical care.
I was going to guess that he probably didn't take care of himself health-wise.
Yeah, he ate some food and he got an infection, and then he refused to take actual doctor's advice on what he should do.
And he's like, I'll just walk it off.
I'll just give my back popped.
I mean, I'll pop my own back.
Where's the chair?
I just need a hard, firm chair, and I'm going to fix this.
From a paper published by the Institute of Chiropractic, quote, Luisa Ladd, doctor of chiropractic, who acted as nurse to Dee Dee, stated that he had proper medical attention, and had he followed the instructions of his doctors, he would be alive today.
He disobeyed all directions, paid no attention to what they told him to do or not to do.
That's good that he died the way he lived.
He died the way he lived.
Although, because his doctor was a chiropractor, it's possible that their suggestions were as bad as what he would have done anyway.
Oh, for sure.
This was a real blind leading the blind sort of situation.
Literally.
And ironically.
And he tried to save the blind.
If they'd actually been blind, he could have just beat people back for the working.
Just can you imagine?
I mean, that is your fate when you're just teaching poor medicine and then you are in the hands of the people you talked.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's kind of perfect.
Because, like we said earlier, there is a sign that he was self-aware of his shit.
A little bit, yeah.
So do you think when he's at the end, he's just like...
Oh, if only I taught them real medicine.
Son of a...
This is really, if I could admit what I've done, this is a really funny thing.
I do hope he enjoyed the cosmic irony of that situation.
He's got like fucking E. coli or some shit.
Like Salmonella, I think is what it got written down as.
But he's like shitting himself to death in a bed.
And as everyone's talking about which vertebra to pop, he's like, fuck.
I did this.
I did this.
You know what?
This one's on me.
I believe this.
I'm okay with this.
I did this.
I died doing what I loved, teaching people how not to be healthy.
Just the same emotion you have when you drink yourself into the worst hangover.
You ever had you just wake up and you're like, well, this is on me.
Feels like I made this happen.
There was no guns last night.
This was on me.
Yeah.
D.D. Palmer died on October 20th, 1913.
The next year, 1914, his manifesto was published.
In it, he laid out his theory of innate intelligence.
Did he call it a manifesto?
No, he called it the chiropractor.
Oh, it would have been too good.
It was essentially a manifesto.
You nailed it.
I was just curious if he knew.
No, no, no.
Innate is embodied as a personified part of universal intelligence, therefore co-eternal with the all-creative force.
This indwelling portion of the eternal is in our care for improvement.
The intellectual expansion of the innate is in proportion to the normal transmission of impulses over the nervous system.
For this reason, the body function should be kept in the condition of tone.
Communication with the eternal spirit, the creator, is the goal of all religions.
That barely covers some ground.
God damn, man, that's some impressive bullshitting on a level where lawyers are like, ah, that's this is part of his effort to reclassify chiropractic as a religion.
So that's what he starts claiming, is that like he starts with being like, no, there's just healing power built into your body and like your back being fucked up stops it from getting to the right places.
And now he's saying like this healing power is like part of an innate intelligence that like you need to like free up to flow around your body and fix it.
This innate intelligence.
God.
Yeah, it's not intelligent enough to pop your spine back into place.
It needs some help.
It needs some help.
It's in hindered intelligence.
I think I'm understanding his theories right.
I bet.
They're nonsense.
So.
That's what I was going to say.
There's no way to.
You can try to understand what he means.
Daniel fell asleep.
I'm casually resting my eyes while you guys are having this conversation.
You heard him snore, right, Sophie?
I did.
Absolutely did.
Absolutely.
I heard Daniel snore.
It's because of his third vertebrae.
It was so cute, though.
Punch his back and his narcolepsy will be just for that.
Daniel, the next one we do is going to be about Holocaust doctors.
Oh, great.
Jeez.
Fall asleep on that.
So, yeah, he wrote a bunch of crazy stuff about universal intelligence and innate intelligence.
I'll just read one other quote from the manifesto so you can get kind of an idea of what it's like to read this thing.
Let's see.
Where's this?
I'm going to.
This is all one sentence.
Of course it is.
I believe that this intelligence is segmented into as many parts as there are individual expressions of life, semicolon.
That spirit, whether considered as a whole or individually, is advancing upwards and onward towards perfection, semicolon.
That in all animated nature, this intelligence, capitalized the eye and intelligence, is expressed through the nervous system, which is the means of communication to and from individualized spirit, semicolon.
That the condition known as tone is the tension of infirmness.
The renidcy.
What the hell?
Yeah.
The renidicity and elasticity of tissue in a state of health.
Normal existence, that, semicolon.
That the mental and physical condition known as disease is a disordered state because of an unusual amount of tension above or below that of tone, semicolon.
That normal and abnormal amounts of strain or laxity are due to the position of the osseous framework, the neuroskeleton, which not only serves as a protector to the nervous system, but also as a regulator of tension, semicolon.
That universal intelligence, the spirit as a whole or in its segmented parts, is eternal in its existence, semicolon.
That physiological disintegration and somatic death are changes of the material only, semicolon.
That the present and future makeup of individualized spirits depend upon the cumulative mental function, which, like all other functions, is modified by the structural condition of the impulse transmitting nervous system, semicolon.
That criminality is but the result of abnormal nervous tension, semicolon.
That our individualized, segmented spiritual entities carry with them into the future spiritual state that which has been mentally accumulated during our physical existence, semicolon.
That spiritual existence, like the physical, is progressive, semicolon.
That a correct understanding of these principles and the practice of them can constitute the religion of chiropractic, semicolon.
That the existence and personal identity of individualized intelligences continue after the change known as death, semicolon.
That life in this world and the next is continuous, one of eternal progression.
Period.
Wow, that's that is the most semicolons I think I fucking run into in a sense.
What he's done is he has that is how you transcribe someone, someone's speech that's on cocaine.
Yeah, it does sound like he's on blow, right?
And well, the semicolon is that, like, I'm not done talking yet.
I'm not done talking.
Like, he's got the main thought and then, like, 40 sub-thoughts, and like, he has to address each of the sub-thoughts, but like, by the time he does, it's so disconnected by the main thought that you can't figure out what the fuck he was trying to do.
No idea.
And then, instead of letting other people talk, he's just saying semicolon!
Semicolon!
And putting his hand up.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Because, like, while you're reading it, because there's also a rhythm to what he's, the way he's written it, which is interesting.
I just noticed, Billy Wayne, this is groundbreaking.
If you think about how a semicolon looks, it kind of looks like a nose because you've got the two holes, but then there's that line of cocaine trailing out of one of the nostrils.
That's what a semicolon means.
That's subconscious.
No, it is.
Yeah.
You're exactly.
It's a break in a sentence to go, and then that's exactly what it is.
I'm not going to talk it.
I'm not going to talk it.
After his dad's death, B.J. Palmer continued to develop this theory of innate intelligence.
I'm going to quote now from a Huffington Post article on the man.
According to B.J. Palmer, chiropractic has no use for a, quote, deity to which we can direct instructions of how to run the universe or a soul to save from heaven or from hell.
Asking, do chiropractors pray in a book by that title, B.J. answered that no chiropractor would pray on his knees or in supplication to some invisible power because innate intelligence within man is the all-wise, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent director general who asserts that the only possible cause and cure are within man.
See, it is that thing of like, I believe on some on some level of what he's saying, where, you know, we're all in control of our decisions.
Well, yeah, and the cause and solution of all human problems are held within the human brain, not in a way to which, like, you can just push someone's spine back in.
Like, you can, we could solve every illness if like people directed their intelligence long enough and consciously get to solve the energy problems, political problems if people just like got their shit together.
Sure.
Sure, fuck out.
And maybe that's a religious belief in a way.
Kind of.
In the same way that Star Trek the Next Generation is a religious belief.
It is.
Yeah.
But where he loses me, and they all lose me, is like the you're your own general where it's like they immediately start pitching.
Yeah.
They're selling.
Where you're just like, no, you can be like, hey, it's like the whole point of the book of Judas.
You know, they left that out because it was like, supposedly, it was just like what Jesus was about was just being like, no, no, you're your own God.
You are in control of who you are.
No one else can control you.
That's like...
Is this some Gnostic shit you're popping out now here?
I mean, I don't know if I believe it or what, but I've always found that theory of what that book is fascinating because they kept it out because it's teaching people to control their own thoughts and not listen and be under control.
So they wanted that shit the fuck out of there.
That makes sense.
So that sounds like...
Yeah, there's a little bit of that in here.
And obviously, he's not the only one preaching stuff like this.
Like the 1920s, there's a bunch of kind of esoteric religious traditions going around, some of which would turn into Nazis, some of which turned into L. Ron Hubbard.
Like a lot of people.
The rest was hot yoga.
Yeah, the rest just wound up in hot yoga.
Now, despite all the work done by B.J. and his dad, the government did not buy the line that being a religion meant chiropractors got to call themselves doctors and practice as if they were MDs.
Throughout the first half of the 20th century, more and more states instituted licensure requirements for chiropractors.
Many of them were quite fair, simply requiring that chiropractors pass the same basic medical science boards as medical doctors, which seems fair to me.
You know, you're saying you're doctors, all right?
Well, you just got to pass the same test.
You know as much about the body as a doctor?
You get to call yourself a doctor.
Very fair.
That's how it worked for a while.
Between 1927 and 1953, 86% of medical students successfully passed these basic board exams.
Only 23% of chiropractors could.
This created a massive problem for the discipline.
They need to unlock that innate intelligence.
Yeah, exactly.
You didn't pop your fucking spine enough or you would have passed that goddamn board test.
Idiots.
Now, this created a massive problem for chiropractic because it led to hundreds of unlicensed chiropractors fleeing to states without licensure requirements.
And the vast number of non-doctor chiropractors practicing ghost-written religious back medicine caused some people to question whether or not chiropractic was even legitimate.
Imagine.
The solution that eventually evolved was the Doctor of Chiropractic degree for DC.
Now, this is not an actual medical degree or even an actual doctorate.
Instead, it's a four-year degree, which you can get at a chiropractic college.
It doesn't even require a bachelor's degree first.
The Palmer College of Chiropractic in Iowa, which is the school that Dr. D. D. Palmer established, will give you a DC for the low, low price of $34,000 a year.
Jesus.
They accept 100% of applicants, like every illegitimate medical school.
$34,000?
Hey, man, Duke's going to cost that much.
Yeah.
And you don't get to call yourself a doctor after four years at Duke.
But, whoa.
It's not as hard as Duke.
No, it's definitely not as hard as Duke.
I was just thinking.
I was like, well, what is the point?
You know what percentage of applicants Duke accepts?
Yeah.
Not 100%.
No, they do not.
Not literally anyone with a pocketbook.
No, they do not.
Yeah.
Wow.
Now, it's only fair that I note that modern-day chiropractors are very much mixed up about the ghostly origins of their trade.
I found an article in the Journal of the Canadian Chiropractic Association by doctor of chiropractic Lon Morgan discussing the problems the concept of innate intelligence causes for the field.
Lon writes, quote, Today, innate intelligence remains an untestable enigma that isolates chiropractic and impedes its acceptance as a legitimate health science.
The concept of innate is derived directly from the occult practices of another era.
It carries a high penalty in divisiveness and lack of logical coherence.
So, it would be unfair of me to state, to pretend like a lot of chiropractors aren't like, we got to stop with the magic.
Yeah.
That's not going to work in 2019.
However, a profession-wide survey conducted in 2003 called How Chiropractors Think in Practice showed that the majority of chiropractors still believe more or less in D.D. Palmer's view of innate intelligence and of subluxations as the cause of much human disease.
There is a subset and a growing subset of chiropractors who argue that they should just stick to treating back and spine problems.
Yes.
Now, this is certainly more defensible than using chiropractic treatments to, say, cure deafness.
But even that is kind of dumb because there's another 2003 study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine that evaluated studies from 1995 to 2003 on the efficacy of different treatments for back pain.
They found that simple massage offered considerably more therapeutic benefits than the spinal manipulations favored by chiropractors.
Yeah.
So even for back pain, it's not that great.
I played baseball for a couple years at a junior college and we had a trainer.
Yeah.
And the two years, we had a different coach when I got there.
But they were the guys the year ahead of us.
They had a chiropractor.
And they all love the chiropractor.
And our trainer was like, you guys, he just makes you feel good for like 10 or 15 minutes.
He's like, he never fixed any of you.
Yeah.
And it was just this constant battle between these 19-year-old dudes.
You're like, no, he's better.
He's a doctor.
And you're just like, I'm 18.
I'm going to go with the guy that's been to school, you guys.
And they're like, no, man, you don't know that chiropractor was great.
Hey, man, he's a four-year doctor.
Just like, Jesus, you guys.
That's junior college.
Almost as fast a way of becoming a doctor as going to Dr. Reverend School in Jamaica and pouring bleach at people's butts.
Wow.
Or, where was it?
It's prettier there.
Haiti?
It was Haiti.
Yeah, Haiti.
It's not pretty there.
Now, it gets worse.
See, in D.D. Palmer's Opus, the chiropractor, he wrote several times about how sublexations in infants and small children were often the cause of lifelong health problems and what he called imbecility.
Treating Children's Spines00:15:21
This has led many chiropractors to believe that children should be treated with spinal manipulation.
Now, I found a great science-based medicine article that highlights how badly this can go.
The title of the article kind of says most of it.
Chiropractic manipulation of the neck linked to stroke in a six-year-old child.
Fuck.
Yeah.
Yeah, now I'm not a medical doctor, Billy Wayne, but I don't think six-year-olds normally stroke out.
60-year-olds?
Now we're getting to be expected.
Yeah.
But not six.
God.
Now, this case started with a young boy presenting with symptoms of a sinus infection.
Instead of driving him to a real doctor, his grandfather took him to a chiropractor who fucked up his back so badly that it caused an embolism and a stroke in this six-year-old child.
And chiropractors routinely work on even younger children.
In a few seconds googling, I found a video of doctor of chiropractic Joshua Petersmith of Petersmith Family Chiropractic in Missouri.
In the video, he adjusts the spine of a 12-week old child.
Now, we're going to watch this bad Mama Jam.
I'm not sure how much of it will watch, Billy, but you got to see this guy listening.
Y'all have to hear this kid.
So if you want to describe what you're watching in the video up until the kid starts making the noises the kid's gonna make, I think that'll make for a solid podcasting experience.
Nobody, have you ever heard?
No, I'm not ready.
He's got a little baby, 12 weeks old in his aunt.
Is it his baby?
No.
Holding it up by one leg upside down and just sort of bouncing the baby upside down, being held by a single leg.
Now he's holding it by two legs.
No, now he's holding it by one of his head.
Like this, since it doesn't.
Just hold it upside down.
He's trying to figure out where it has to be adjusted.
And now he's manipulating the baby's spine.
So little Naomi here is a little over 11 weeks old, and her spine is no different than anyone else's.
So the tab bone of her neck is actually slid to the left.
How I adjust her is a little different than anyone else.
But the doctor.
Grand scheme of things, I'm doing the exact same thing.
All I'm doing is pushing that bone right back to the middle, letting the body do whatever it needs to do, put it exactly where it needs to be.
So it's a little, it's a lot less forceful.
It's very, very gentle with her.
And I'm going to hear how gentle it is and such.
All these colic issues go away.
That's why her colic's going to go away.
Don't do it, you stupid fuck.
Baby's thrashing.
Stop.
Yeah, it's probably enough, Sophie.
It's pretty obvious to me, not being a doctor of chiropractic, but being a person who's watched babies before, that what he's doing to that baby isn't good.
Well, no, they're.
I have a six-month-old, like, their body is constantly forming and evolving every single day.
So to go in there and be like, oh, this vertebrae is a little off.
That's why he's colicking.
Like, that's not how that works.
Also, to say that an 11 and a half-week-old baby's spine is the same as an adult.
It's like, they don't have all their bones yet.
No.
I don't know when they get all their bones or when they come in, but I know they don't get all their bones yet.
They're on the top of their skull yet.
It's an infant.
Fuck.
Oh, just like, I mean, I think it's the dad in me watching that video.
It's like, like, the.
Get your hands off that baby.
It really, like, there was like a violent part of me that was like alarming where it's like, stop doing what you're doing, or I'm going to have to kick you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, because he's down on the ground at one point.
I'm like, I'm going to kick you till you let go of that baby.
That's what I'm going to do.
It's not okay.
God.
Not okay.
Now, the article that initially inspired this episode was a piece I found in a website I quite like called The Outline titled Chiropractors Are Bullshit.
It discusses a charlatan named Josh Axe.
And I'm going to quote from that piece now.
On his Facebook page, Axe, a self-described board-certified doctor of natural medicine who earned his doctorate in chiropractic from good old Palmer College of Chiropractic, tells you which sunscreens are safe and dispenses snack suggestions.
Need a sweet snack that won't unravel your health goals?
We have you covered, he writes, linking to a dark chocolate almond butter recipe that contains, by my estimate, more than 1,900 calories, depending on how much coconut sugar you eat.
The posts on Axe's page run the gamut from minor bullshit, like healthy recipes, to major bullshit, like the pernicious claims that you can reverse cavities.
You can't.
And why is this guy giving dental advice?
And that you can treat some painful and potentially dangerous bacterial infections like UTIs and staph with essential oils and antiviral herbs.
Again, not so much.
He also writes that living a life of purpose can lower dementia risk.
Wouldn't that be nice?
While it might not concern you that a physician with nearly 2 million followers on Facebook is spending his time posting recipes for face wash, it should pique your curiosity.
These telling people he's never met they should purchase his products to support any number of conditions, from leaky gut syndrome, not real, to aging.
His bone broth collagen formula, now available in chocolate, will set you back $37.
That's a funny word, support.
It's legal speak for this product is bullshit.
Beyond his line of snake oils, it should absolutely scare you that Axe has written articles espousing his anti-vaccine views while speaking glowingly of anti-vax queen Ginny McCarthy's pediatrician.
Oh, everything you said.
Yeah, it's real bad, right?
It's like you like, there's so many.
I can't even.
It's just levels of bullshit.
I try to picture what they do every day when they wake up.
You know, like you and I knew what we were going to do today.
Yeah, we're going to talk about chiropractic, and I didn't know I was going to be swinging the machete around.
And that has been a healthy, a welcome surprise.
I knew that was going to happen.
But we knew what we're going to do.
There's like substance to what we're doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Theirs is like, how can I come up with more horseshit?
More horseshit for money.
But where does it because they've made so much theoretically?
Theoretically.
Where does it, it's not about money.
And that Dr. Axe guy seems like a grifter to me.
I don't know.
This Dr. Peter Smith, the guy who's adjusting the baby, you look at his face in there, like, is he just a fucking sociopath?
Or is he someone who really thinks he's a doctor?
Well, I think it's the same, like, because it's based in religion.
Yeah.
It is a religion.
Yeah.
Susceptible to people who think that everything they do is for the Lord.
Yeah.
And for this bad, you know, it's the same West Borough for innate intelligence.
Those people think they're doing everything for the right reasons.
Like the God hates fags people.
Yeah, yeah.
So the human brain is fascinating.
It's just a playground.
Yeah, just a playground.
Now, that outline article also covers the sad story of Playboy model Katie Mae.
In 2018, she died of a stroke after visiting her chiropractor.
A 2007 study established a child.
Stop popping my boobs.
Yeah, that's actually, that would have been a lot healthier.
Yeah.
Yeah, because a 2007 study established a strong link between chiropractic manipulation and the risk of strokes caused by what's called vertebral artery dissection, which is what happened to that little kid.
You like pop someone's back forcefully enough that it severs an artery.
Fuck.
Then they stroke out.
Now, it's hard to say what the annual death toll due to chiropractic medicine actually is.
I found a 2010 study in the National Institutes of Health studying all the deaths they could find that immediately followed spinal manipulation by a chiropractor.
The abstract notes under results: 26 fatalities were published in the medical literature and many more might have remained unpublished.
The alleged pathology usually was a vascular accident involving the dissection of a vertebral artery, which is, again, the most common fatal side effect of chiropractic.
The article's conclusion states, numerous deaths have occurred after chiropractic manipulations.
The risks of this treatment by far outweigh its benefit.
Are there any good reasons to do it?
Makes me feel good.
I mean, I go to, there's a Thai lady that walks on my back.
That's then she rubs on it.
It's frog hair.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I think a lot of it is that a lot of the chiropractors, it's the same problem you have with a lot of the anti-vax doctors, where like they're the most charismatic doctors.
Yeah.
Like that guy who was popping that baby's back, good looking young guy.
I'm sure he has an incredible bedside manner.
Well, and he has a deep voice and the cadence he spoke in.
That was the first thing I noticed was this very confident.
I know what I'm talking about.
Confident, calm.
What you're going to do.
I'm a cool dude.
A lot of real doctors, because they're actually practicing medicine.
They're very busy.
They're very stressed out.
They don't sleep enough.
A lot of them have substance abuse problems because they have very stressful, difficult jobs.
They can be less than friendly because, say, they're working at an ER or something like that.
They're dealing with too much of a workload because there aren't enough real doctors.
And then insurance on top of that.
Insurance, filing stuff with the government.
Whereas this guy is just a liar.
So he gets to be calm all the time.
So your real doctor's like, you got one of two things.
You got to do this test or this test.
I got to go on and do something like this.
Like, go take this and get this next test.
And I'll tell you what you need to do next.
And he's like, it's scary because you're already sick and he's not really taking the time to help you because he's got other shit to do.
And this guy sits down with you and he talks with you and he explains how, no, I can fix your baby's colic.
Just let me pop its spine.
And you're like, cool.
Yeah, sounds great.
Yeah.
You calm me down and you wear a nice turtleneck.
It's like when I got my weed card when I first moved to LA, the guy had a wrinkled lap cut.
That does not evoke confidence from a medical professional.
It's the only time I've ever seen it.
I can't make it.
It's just more funny in conversation.
I try to make it funny on stage.
I didn't know that doctor.
Where it was just like I walked in, I was like, huh, I've never seen that before.
The best thing about the old way weed used to work in Los Angeles is that it was clearly like a retirement program for doctors who either were on the edge of getting disbarred from like killing somebody on the operating table or who were just too old to work anymore.
I had both of those.
I had a younger dude where I was like, what did you do?
You killed somebody.
Yeah, didn't you?
You got a fucking baby.
He was a wrinkled lap cut.
Yeah.
Yes.
And then there's the old guy with like, who's just like barely awake.
Like I had one doctor where like he had a picture on the wall where he couldn't even focus long enough for the picture.
He looked like he was falling asleep for it.
And then his assistant tried to Skype us in to talk with him and he didn't pick up Skype twice.
So he just forged a sickie chat.
That is.
So I got my weed card.
Beautiful.
Oh, I miss it, Billy.
It is so much easier.
Yeah.
I got one.
I lived in Seattle, Washington, had a Seattle ID.
I was just down here doing sets, meeting with some people, walked with my friend who had lived down here for two years.
We were on Venice, and I was like, I'm going to try to go get a weed card in this place.
You could see the ocean from the doctor's office.
I've been there.
I know the place you're talking about.
And the lady, she started, she was being kind of shitty to me at first because I had some out-of-state ID.
And she was like, what are you here for?
And I was like, oh, I'm a stand-up comedian.
She was like, oh, I just started doing open mic and then just started checking stuff without even looking.
When she figured out I could help her, I told her where to go to do some comedy stuff.
And I walked out and my friend was like, what the hell?
I've lived here for two years.
I was like, I've been here for a day, dude.
Let's go get some weed.
One of the first guys I met in LA is a friend of a friend, and he was in the Marines and he got shot in the leg.
And he like legitimately was using pot at the time in part to like deal with pain.
And he had his medical examination with the doctor.
And the doctor just looped him in with another patient who happened to be in the room at the time, who was just like, I don't know, anxiety.
Yes.
It's like, you're both the same to me.
That's it.
Gunshot wound, anxiety, as much pot as you can carry.
Prescribe it to you both.
The old man I went to, like you were talking about, who was just, it was pure retirement.
I was like, I just wanted to be like, how much are they paying you to do this?
Oh, they're making, they made bank.
He had a poster on the wall that had all the ailments.
So he was like, he, and he was so lazy, he's like, which one is it?
He just pointed at it.
Pick on the window what your problem is.
I was like, man, America is pretty fun.
And that's the kind of quack medicine I like, where you just pay $50 to have a doctor say literally any problem.
The prescription is however much pot you can pay for it.
Yes, that's it.
Great.
Not, let's pop a 12-year-old spine or 12-week old spine.
Well, Billy, that was fun.
The episode's over.
You know what that means.
We're going to pop that for breeze.
I'm going to hit this for breeze.
Now, Billy, I'm going to want you to open the poison room, and then I'm going to want you to duck to the side as quick as you can.
Now, Sophie, is there an outside wall, or is this going to go sailing into the parking lot?
No, just close up.
Fantastic.
Oh, okay.
This is officially safe.
Sophie approves.
I don't approve fucking hell.
Wait, it fell that time.
Oh, shit.
All right, Billy.
I'm going to need third try is going to be fair.
I'm going to throw it horizontally.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, Oh, that worked.
It's hard to do that.
It's hard to do that.
I think because what we're doing.
You really got to serve it up.
Give yourself a nice lob and then slash.
This one's going to be the charm.
Oh!
Got it.
Yeah, I got it.
Just kick it.
Kick it in there.
Kick it in there, Billy.
I do think that I would be fun with it.
That worked.
Basically.
End times.
Let me have explosives.
I don't understand.
I feel like that worked out well.
I thought it worked out better than chiropractic medicine does.
It's still going.
I should try to start selling machete medicine.
Machetison.
Machetison.
Machete your way to health.
What's sad is any of these griffs you and I would try, we would be way more successful than any of our other endeavors in our life.
Absolutely.
Look, what happened?
How'd you get successful?
Oh, we just started lying.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I figured out my manifesto for machetes.
Now, we've all seen 2001 A Space Odyssey, the documentary film that shows us how human tool use started.
Yes.
Watch from that movie.
There was a monkey picks up a large bone and starts swinging it.
Yes.
Human beings evolved to swing large, heavy things with one arm.
The problem with modern society, you never have a large, heavy thing in your arm.
The answer to that, the machete.
If you're always carrying a machete, Billy Wayne, and always swinging it, then your vertebra align properly, which clears the wound chakras out and removes the sickness subluxations from inside your gallbladder.
The germ spirits.
The germ spirits.
The machete scares away the germ spirits by balancing your body.
So, for just $499.95, you can receive an official machetison licensed medical machete.
It is a lot, but we need you to be serious.
We need you to be serious.
We need you to take it.
It's medical.
It's an investment.
It's an investment in your health.
Your health.
And you know what, Billy?
I'm in a good mood today.
So, along with that machete for $419.95, I'm going to throw in a book, Hack Your Way to Better Health.
For how much?
For free?
Free.
The Machete Scare Away Germs00:04:08
That's just coming on there for free.
So we get the machete.
You get the machete.
And then we get a book that says Hack Your Way to Better Health.
Tells us how to use the machete.
You've heard about body hacking.
I heard about it.
This is just straight-up machete hacking.
And it'll cure your cancer.
Oh, it's like Botox.
It'll support your cancer treatment.
Support it.
Support it.
I like supporting.
Supporting.
That feels better than treat.
It's support.
Support.
I like to feel supported.
We all like to feel supported.
It's a bra for your cancer.
It's a bra.
Let this machete be a bra for your cancer.
And we do have a lot of people.
We have them available in Spanish, and they are called machetes.
They are.
And we have them available for infants.
Yes, for an extra $49.95, you can get our special baby's machete, which is the same as our adult machete.
Please just stop.
But pink.
Just stop.
I don't like doing our.
Well, I think we've sold two to three.
I think we've got people trying to find the weapons.
That's why you're upset with this.
Yeah.
Because we're doing a pretty good job this day.
You know, I'm going to get yacht money and leave this podcast behind.
I'm not upset.
I'm just disappointed.
Just want to turn the channel.
We're on three channels right now.
Yeah.
So Bill, you want to plug your pluggable?
The president just made me the director of health and human services.
I mean, that's not even funny.
That's just a thing that makes you scam your way into a cabinet position.
I feel like I could at this point.
100%.
I mean, since I've been holding this machete virtually the whole episode.
I've sent that to him.
You might be the Secretary of Defense.
He'll be like, orange.
I see something I like here.
Billy Wayne.
I pluggables.
I'm working on putting together a tour for the fall and the winter.
So BWDTour.com.
And I worked on the new season of Squid Billies, which is on Adult Swim right now.
So check that out.
That's such a perfect show for you to be working on.
It was a dream.
It was great.
Did not feel like work.
Yeah.
Well, I did not work on the new season of Squid Billies.
I did once have an altercation with a squid, but that's a tale for another day.
The website for this podcast, the sources for all of this episode, are on behindthebastards.com.
You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at at BastardsPod.
You can buy t-shirts at TeePublic, Behind the Bastards.
And of course, you can machete your way to better health by going to www.klondike 545-388-Machetison today.
And again, machetes in is, of course, spelled like it sounds.
When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He is not going to get away with this.
He's going to get what he deserves.
We always say that, trust your girlfriends.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Laurie Siegel, and this is Mostly Human, a tech podcast through a human lens.
This week, an interview with OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.
I think society is going to decide that creators of AI products bear a tremendous amount of responsibility to the products we put out in the world.
An in-depth conversation with a man who's shaping our future.
My highest order bit is to not destroy the world with AI.
Listen to Mostly Human on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, it's Nora Jones, and my podcast, Playing Along, is back with more of my favorite musicians.
Check out my newest episode with Josh Groban.
You related to the Phantom at that point.
Yeah, I was definitely the Phantom in that.
That's so funny.
Share each day with me each night, each morning.
Listen to Nora Jones is playing along on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.