Steven Seagal faces allegations of being a serial sexual assaulter and human trafficker, including a 2010 Louisiana suspension over claims he enslaved Miss Nguyen in his John Lafitte mansion. The hosts detail his controversial ordination as a Buddhist Lama, allegedly bought with $70,000 from Penor Rinpoche, and his unverified claim of serving as a reserve deputy sheriff for two decades. Despite these scandals, Seagal maintained friendships with dictators like Vladimir Putin and Rodrigo Duterte, securing Russian citizenship while continuing to seek writing credits on films he did not author, ultimately illustrating a career sustained by impunity and cultural appropriation. [Automatically generated summary]
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Trust Your Girlfriends00:02:43
This is an iHeart podcast.
Guaranteed human.
When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He is not going to get away with this.
He's going to get what he deserves.
We always say that: trust your girlfriends.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I got you.
I got you.
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ago Modern.
My next guest, it's Will Farrell.
Woo, My dad gave me the best advice ever.
He goes, just give it a shot.
But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of life.
Listen to Thanksgiving on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
In 2023, bachelor star Clayton Eckard was accused of fathering twins, but the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax.
You doctored this particular test twice, Miss Owens, correct?
I doctored the test once.
It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern.
Two more men who'd been through the same thing.
Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini.
My mind was blown.
I'm Stephanie Young.
This is Love Trapped.
Laura, Scottsdale Police.
As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.
Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
10-10 shots five, City Hall building.
Did this ever happen in City Hall?
Somebody tell me that.
A shocking public murder.
This is one of the most dramatic events that really ever happened in New York City politics.
They screamed, get down, get down.
Those are shots.
A tragedy that's now forgotten.
And a mystery that may or may not have been political, that may have been about sex.
Listen to Rorschach, Murder at City Hall on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
I am Robert Evans, and this is again Behind the Bastards, the show where we tell you everything you don't know about the very worst people in all of history.
Seagal As Reincarnated Buddha00:14:50
And this is, of course, part two of our epic two-part series on Steven Seagal, a man who is so much worse than you would guess.
Yeah, he really sucks.
You probably just thought he was a movie star who got rich and retired, and that was the end of this story.
But as we have learned, not only did his career start thanks to the mafia, he is an alleged serial sexual assaulter.
And today, we're about to get into his time as a lawman, his hobby as a best friend to dictators, and the human trafficking allegations against him.
Yeah, Steven Seagal.
I'd like to open up this episode with another excerpt from the bio on Steven Seagal's personal website.
Sean, John Riley, I did not introduce you in this episode.
They listened to part one.
If you didn't listen to part one, you're terrible.
Yeah, you blew it.
You're the bastard.
I'm Sean Maby.
I write jokes on the internet.
Yeah, and we're drinking, and I'm going to open another beer right now.
Now we're talking.
Now we're talking.
And now we're drinking.
And now we're Steven Seagaling.
I'm ready.
Now, first, actually, I want to get through an important issue with you.
If some sort of teleportation accident were to create multiple Steven Seagal, they would be Stevens Seagal, right?
It's like a like a like an attorney's general sort of situation.
You know, I think I would probably say Steven Seagal's like just as an impulse, but when you say Steven Seagal, I like that a lot more and I would absolutely train myself into saying a lot of people.
Stephen Seagal.
Absolutely.
If that ever happens, listeners, back us up on this.
If there is like a Stevens Seagal infestation.
It's likely to happen.
It probably already has happened if you listen to one of the Stevens Seagal who is inhabiting our world here.
In fact, it looks like several Stevens Seagal have merged into one giant Steven Seagal.
Like if you've seen him in the last 10 years or so.
He looks like three Steven Seagal's wearing a trench coat trying to be one Steven Seagal.
Yeah.
Because it's not like he's putting on weight like he's getting obese.
It's like he's growing in every direction.
There's nothing shameful about being a 68-year-old man and putting on some weight.
Of course.
Everyone, everyone.
I'm saying he's wearing it.
He's wearing it as if it's other people attached to his body.
He like ate the fucking Willy Wonka gum or something.
He's just growing.
But he's also, his hair is getting more Dracula every day.
He actually, that's how you would cast a leading tick.
He could be a good Dracula.
Yeah.
He could be a really believable, heavyset Dracula.
Exactly.
He would travel by like turning sideways and rolling after you.
The more CGI they can throw in there, the better, really.
So I'd like to open...
He turns sideways.
He's like picking up shit like Katamari.
I bet he wears all black now because it covers the sweatstone.
Yeah, we know what's going on.
So I'd like to open this episode with another excerpt from the bio on Steven Seagal's personal website.
At the core of what drives Steven Seagal with all he does, his music, his martial arts, and his acting, is his commitment to Asian philosophies and religion.
And Asian is capitalized.
Yeah.
That's something else.
As a Buddhist, Zen teacher, and healer, Stephen lives by the principles that the development of the physical self is essential to protect the spiritual man.
He believes that what he does in his life is about leading people into contemplation to wake them up and enlighten them in some manner.
Fuck, if you can find one goddamn person that exists in the world who's like, I never thought of myself as a deep philosopher until I met Stephen Seagal.
Oh boy.
I am excited for this next part.
I didn't even tease this.
He's a Buddhist Lama.
Yeah.
No, officially.
Oh, of course.
Not just is he a Buddhist Lama, he is the reincarnation of a 17th century Buddhist mystic officially.
Oh, I knew.
Oh, you knew.
Okay, you would have guessed.
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
So you've got that kind of vision.
Then you have the same kind of vision as Buddhist leader Penor Rinpoche, who is the actual Tibetan Buddhist leader who declared Stephen Seagal a reincarnation of a 17th century Buddhist mystic.
Here's Penor.
Steven Seagal has been recognized as a reincarnation of the 17th century hidden treasure revealer Chundrag Dorhi of Palyu Monastery.
Chundrag Dorhy founded a small monastery called Gigong Gompa near his native village in Finne in the Kutsi area of Derje on eastern Tibet.
Though there are no monks there now, the small monastery building still exists and is well known in the area for its beautiful religious wall paintings.
So that's nice.
They're not known for their public school system.
This dude sounds like he's kind of a dip shit.
Well, he made Steven Seagal the reincarnation.
That's what I was saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I may not be reading it well.
But yeah, as you might guess, other Hollywood Buddhists who have not been accused of numerous sexual assaults took issue with the announcement that Stephen Seagal was officially a Buddhist Lama.
He's literally like a step below the Dalai Lama.
Like, that's real.
That's as far as official.
Yeah, it's official.
Richard Gere and Tina Turner, both devout Tibetan Buddhists, should in theory venerate Steven Seagal for being just a step down from the Dalai Lama himself.
But instead, they accused him of having bribed Penor Rinpoche and other Buddhist lamas into granting him the title.
Gandon Thurman, director of special projects for the Tibet House in New York, noted that, quote, I'm afraid it troubles me.
I always wondered at the action heroes he played.
He always seems to be the only one who tortures his enemies.
Which is.
He really is.
I was saying this in the last episode.
He just tears apart all of his enemies.
Yeah.
So there's some good questions as to why this guy would be a reincarnation of an enlightened Buddhist mystic.
Penor Rinpoche denies being bribed by Seagal.
He states that neither I nor any of my monasteries have received or sought any sort of substantial donation from him.
I think substantial is the key word.
There's the word.
It seems like some bribery happened.
So doesn't this guy like talk to God and stuff?
Like, wouldn't God be like, hey, don't make that guy the.
I don't know how religious.
I don't know how Buddhism works.
I don't think they talk to God.
Because that's like a Buddhist thing, right?
Well, no, because there's different types of Buddhism because there are some Buddhism, some Buddhist sects that venerate Buddha as sort of a deity.
Okay.
But I think in general...
There's no question.
It's like say you're a dumbass and you're in charge of somehow naming who is the reincarnated.
Yeah.
Because Stephen Seagal gave you $70,000.
Right.
Is there like no checks and balances in that religion for someone to say like, hey, guys, I think I found the reincarnated.
I think it's this sexual assaulter who lies about everything.
And there's no one to say like, you know, I don't think you're right.
I don't think he's the reincarnation of that 17th century monk.
I don't buy it.
That tree might be the guy.
I mean, let me pause.
Like, how do you check?
Do you have like a spectrometer you can attach to?
Because I know Scientologists have like little things.
The e-meter, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and so they can like measure how many times you're being reincarnated.
Well, there was like this ceremony where he had to recognize some possessions that had been owned by himself, but that's the kind of thing you can set up.
Yeah, you can't fake that shit.
You can't fake that shit.
I don't know.
My personal feeling here is that maybe Chung Drang Dori, the 17th century Buddhist monk who Stephen Seagal is the reincarnated form of, maybe Chung Drang was a serial sexual assaulter.
This is all that would make sense.
Of course.
Entirely possible.
If he is, that would be like, I'd support this claim that Stephen Seagal is reincarnated.
Yeah, if the Dalai Lama comes out and says, no, he was a monster.
Yeah.
And this man is the reincarnation and he must be stopped.
Dude, now we're talking this.
Now we're talking about that.
That's a Steven Seagal movie I would watch in the modern age.
Under Buddha?
I think six out of ten so far.
I think we can top it, but it's a good title.
Okay, it's a good title.
We'll see what else we can.
Yeah, the definition of substantial can vary a lot.
So I wouldn't be surprised if Steven Seagal bribed some Buddhists.
Now, despite being ordained as a holy man in 1997, the late 1990s proved to be the winding down period for Seagal's career, as we previously stated.
Under Siege was his most successful film.
In 1994, he filmed On Deadly Ground, an action movie with an environmental message about oil companies in Alaska, featuring offensively inaccurate depictions of Native American women doing actual spiritual dances but doing them naked, which is not how the dances were performed.
Steven Seagal, everybody.
That was Steven Seagal's note, I bet.
Yeah, yeah.
Make sure they're real and very serious religious rituals, but make them do it naked.
That's perfect.
That encapsulates my interests very well.
Both cultural appropriation and gratuitous nudity.
I'm Stephen Seagal.
Steven Segal.
I approve this film.
And he did.
Oh, boy.
Stephen.
Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
So, in 1995, Seagal filmed a sequel to Under Siege.
In 1986, he was in Kurt Russell's executive decision for about a hot minute and then very quickly got sucked out of a plane, right?
I love this story.
Yeah.
There's a rumor that he was in the movie theater when this happened and he gets sucked out of the plane, like, basically the moment it's about, oh, it's Steven Seagal time.
And he just fucking dies.
And the crowd cheered.
Like, the crowd thought this was really funny, and they loved that Steven Seagal died before he got to do anything.
And Stephen Seagal, in a fit, like, got up and like stormed out of the theater.
And his manager was like, no, dude, dude, dude, dude.
They're cheering because they love you.
They're cheering because, and he had to talk him down like you would a toddler.
Yeah, he's like, no, no, no, they're not cheering because you're dead.
They're cheering because you're the best.
And you died a hero.
And like, and then they calmed him down and got him to go back.
I have no idea how accurate this was, but the rumor that I heard.
That's canon for this show, for sure.
Yeah, we're calling that canon.
That's absolutely like as true as any fucking thing Steven Seagal has ever said.
Probably truer, other than the thing about the Shagal exhibit, because that, I can't imagine someone lying about that.
That's probably real.
Yeah, yeah.
And he's probably that 17th century, like rapist.
Chung Drang Dori.
Yes.
Famed 17th century rapist, Chung Drang Dori.
Boy, that particular.
That doesn't make it onto that poor dude's Wikipedia.
No, because he's been dead for centuries.
Yeah, he doesn't need this.
This is how it is.
One accusation ruins your life, even after you're dead.
I do a bad Donald Trump.
Oh, I thought you were doing a Steven Seagal.
They have a lot of similarities.
Not as many differences as you'd expect.
Yeah.
Not as many as you'd expect.
I'm not the best impersonator, except for this one, which is the spot on Donald Trump.
That was your Cosby.
It was my Cosby.
Oh, boy.
The world is just full of rich and powerful sex offenders.
Speaking of one of them, Steven Seagal.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, obviously Seagal slid into obscurity.
He transitioned from big Hollywood star to direct-to-video star.
He also put on more and more weight, which isn't at all odd for a man in his late 40s, but did kind of get in the way of a successful action movie career.
It's worth noting that Stephen Seagal currently, look at a picture of him, is the same age, more or less, as Liam Neeson, who is a believable action movie star.
Sure.
Yeah.
So, again, he didn't make the right decisions in order to stay relevant.
Although that was probably always a kind of a long shot, given his mafia finance start.
So.
And range, I think.
Yeah, and range.
Liam Neeson can make seven or eight different kinds of movies.
Liam Neeson can act as both Oscar Schindler and as a guy who punches people in the throat.
And the guy from Kroll.
Yeah.
You put fucking Steven Seagal in Kroll, you ruined Kroll.
You would have ruined Kroll, a film that could not have been more of a disaster if it had had its opening night on September 11th in the World Trade Center.
Jesus.
Strong disagree.
I think Kroll is a solid 10 out of 10 film.
I was not disagreeing with that statement.
Okay.
The upshot of Seagal's slide into obscurity is that it gave him a chance to focus more on his spiritual life, delivering lectures on Buddhism to classes of the faithful hungry for the wisdom of an ancient llama.
And luckily for us, an attendee of one of these classes wrote about it.
In the October 1999 issue of GQ, they published an article by David Rakoff titled Stephen Seagal.
I can't believe it's not Buddha.
Jesus.
1999 was an easier time.
The title wasn't Steven Seagal.
I can't believe he tried to put his finger in my butt.
Oh.
This was a yoga class, though.
Well, It was a Buddhism class.
Sorry.
Can't believe it's not Buddha.
Thank you, dude, for writing that.
Fuck you.
It was 1999.
Wait, let's do a fucking episode on that asshole.
It was an easier time for comedy.
Jerry Seinfeld was the biggest name in the world.
I think Jerry Seinfeld makes lots of great jokes.
Jerry Seinfeld, if you brought him this and said, I got this great idea for a joke, I can't believe it's not Buddha.
He'd say, get out of my office.
You had the fuck out.
You're really, we're getting a lot of mileage out of your impressions tonight.
So, yeah, David Rakoff attended a series of lectures, a Memorial Day weekend retreat by the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.
The Omega Institute regularly held seminars with luminaries such as Deepak Chopra, but the weekend that Rakoff attended, they scored a real get, Stephen Seagal.
Yeah.
He was teaching a class on, quote, cultivating compassion and clarity.
Oh, no.
Yeah, this is the guy you go to.
Yeah.
You want to cultivate some compassion.
You go to the guy who's famous in his movies for torturing people and has numerous sexual assault allegations against him.
Really great at breaking arms and grabbing titties.
Much like the Buddha.
Much like Buddha before me.
The one living inside me.
And the four I ate.
So before Segal arrived, students were advised to address him as Rinpoche, which means literally precious jewel.
Fuck you, Rinpoche.
So Rakoff writes, Precious Jewel eventually does arrive, some 45 minutes late.
Interviewing For Personal Assistant Job00:04:39
That turns out to be Seagal Standard Time.
He is a large man now with a bit of a late model Brando Girth about him.
His narrow eyes, sleek ponytail, and variation on traditional Tibetan attire, an Aubergine skirt and a saffron yellow satin jacket lend him the air of a Mongol potentate.
This guy, article title, and then like a fucking four-paragraph description of his dress.
Oh, it was a beautiful description.
It was a beautiful description.
He shambles in slowly, displaying a kind of bewilderment as if this temporal world were too jarring and suffused with craving and pain for him to absorb just yet.
This guy's grown on me.
That's a really good way to describe the way Steven Seagal moves.
So it quickly became obvious to the author that the students at the seminar were a mix of serious Buddhists and people who just wanted to hang out with a famous guy all weekend.
Questions quickly turned to Seagal's career.
He explains to us that his absence from the screen is but an inevitable consequence of his emergence as a holy man.
The studios know exactly what they want.
Fighting.
As I became a llama, I had to establish a line I could not cross, and I've taken two years off as a result.
So that's.
There is not a single Steven Seagal movie where he doesn't beat the shit out of Ace 10 people.
Really meanly, too.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's gross.
Now, Rakoff does note that Seagal didn't come across as a dumb guy.
He was charming and reasonably good at answering pretty basic questions about Buddhism.
His main flaw seemed to be that he was incapable of showing up on time.
Quote, the school day consists of a morning session from 9 to noon and an afternoon session from 2:30 to 5:30.
But Segal tends to arrive at least an hour into each, and he stays for only an hour.
All right.
Yeah, Segal's explanation was basically that he was people can only absorb so much wisdom in a day.
That makes sense.
That makes sense.
He didn't want to overload them on his wisdom.
I think it's probably because he's at an all-you-can-eat place.
You know, they don't make you leave until you've been here for seven hours.
Hopefully, if I've had all the crab rangoons I can eat, but you have no idea how many crab rangoons I can eat.
You don't know what you signed on for.
So, Rakoff notes that Segal's chief Akido disciple was brought in to lead stretches for the group.
They were originally supposed to be just like 15-minute breaks in the middle of the day, but regularly expanded to 45 minutes or longer in order to distract from the fact that those Aikido stretches.
Those Aikido stretches.
You gotta be limber when you karate chop your hands around for a little bit.
So he had his guy come in and do stretches while he blew off two-thirds of the classes he had signed up to teach.
Like a real Buddhist mystic.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, Seagal took the opportunity afforded by his creator and career to indulge in other passions too, including his passion for being the creepiest possible version of himself.
In 2004, he attended the funeral of musical legend Ray Charles.
At the funeral, he met Charles' granddaughter, Blair Robinson.
He decided that the death of her grandfather was the perfect place to hit on her via lies.
He invited her to his home to interview for a job as his personal assistant.
Now, Seagal didn't do anything creepy at the interview, probably because her dad, Ray Charles Jr., came to the interview, which is a smart move as a dad if you hear Steven Seagal wants to interview your kid.
But he did hire her on the spot, and a few weeks later, she was in Memphis with Seagal and his staff.
Segal held a meeting with everybody and then dismissed them all so he could talk to Blair alone, which is another Weinstein tactic.
Yeah.
At this point, at this point, the focus of the meeting shifted from the logistics of their current project to the art of Japanese massage.
Segal informed Blair that massaging him would be one of her duties as his assistant.
And since she didn't actually know how to give massages, Segal would, of course, have to teach her.
He started to demonstrate on her body, but Blair fled the room and flew home to Los Angeles.
Blair is a smart person.
Good on you.
Not that obviously other people couldn't escape, and that's not because they're not smart.
Not saying that.
Just credit to Blair for getting the fuck out of there.
Good on you.
Wish everyone else had been that fortunate.
The right combination of assertiveness and wherewithal to know.
Yeah.
And that is a dark tale, as all of the allegations of sexual assault and harassment against Seagal are.
And we will be washing a little bit of that out of your tongues in a little bit, because coming up very soon, we're going to be listening to a selection from Stephen Seagal's wonderful blues album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, which I bet you didn't know was a blues album if you listened to any of it, because it sounds it is as close to the blues as, I don't know, you're really more that guy.
I'm more what guy?
Dark Tale Of Sexual Assault Allegations00:04:09
The guy who write words things good.
Do the words.
Do the words, John.
Steven Seagal's music in the form of words?
Yes.
Oh my God, that's really working backwards from an artistic perspective.
Because his songs express so much words can't say.
Like, have you ever heard a 40-minute fart?
Put that into words.
Then try to describe that to someone.
You can't, but Stephen Seagal can in song.
And that is Songs of the Crystal Cave.
We'll be talking about that in a little bit.
But first, some songs from ads.
Dude, the sweet transition.
I'm really good at transitions.
That's my words.
There's two golden rules that any man should live by.
Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.
And rule two, never mess with her friends either.
We always say, trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of The Girlfriends...
Oh my god, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care.
So they take matters into their own hands.
They said, oh, hell no.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He's gonna get what he deserves.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, I'm Nora Jones, and I love playing music with people so much that my podcast called Playing Along is back.
I sit down with musicians from all musical styles to play songs together in an intimate setting.
Every episode's a little different, but it all involves music and conversation with some of my favorite musicians.
Over the past two seasons, I've had special guests like Dave Grohl, Leve, Mavis Staples, Remy Wolf, Jeff Tweedy, really too many to name.
And this season, I've sat down with Alessia Cara, Sarah McLaughlin, John Legend, and more.
Check out my new episode with Josh Grobin.
You related to the Phantom at that point.
Yeah, I was definitely the Phantom in that.
That's so funny.
Share each day with me each night, each morning.
Say you love me.
You know I.
So come hang out with us in the studio and listen to Playing Along on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ago Modem.
My next guest, you know, from Step Brothers, Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network, it's Will Farrell.
Woo, My dad gave me the best advice ever.
I went and had lunch with him one day, and I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot.
I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings.
I'm working my way up through it.
I know it's a place they come look for up and coming talent.
He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet.
Yeah.
He goes, but there's so much luck involved.
And he's like, just give it a shot.
He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat.
Just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of luck.
Listen to Thanks Dad on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckard found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.
The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.
Legitimate Blues Musicians In Band00:15:14
This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth.
You doctored this particular test twice, Miss Owens, correct?
I doctored the test once.
It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.
I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for.
Sunlight's the greatest disinfectant.
They would uncover a disturbing pattern.
Two more men who'd been through the same thing.
Greg Gillespie and Michael Marancine.
My mind was blown.
I'm Stephanie Young.
This is Love Trap.
Laura, Scottsdale Police.
As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.
Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news out of Maricopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges.
This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona.
Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
We're back and we're talking about Steven Seagal.
Again, we are recording this in a home and drinking.
A lovely home and thank you for having me.
Yeah, it's been quite a time.
So next to being a Buddhist llama and sexually, allegedly sexually harassing teenagers, Stephen Seagal's music career was his major focus in the early 2000s.
So it wasn't the top three, for sure.
In 2005, he released his first album, Songs from the Crystal Cave.
I'd like to read from its top review on Amazon.com if I can.
Can't wait.
After a night of hitting the clubs, you meet a girl, head home with her, things get heated, put the CD in you system, turn it on, and you'll find that magic happens.
And it also doubles as a great white elephant exchange gift.
I can't tell if that one's serious or not.
It really, it could go either way.
I mean, it's a funny thing to give as a white elephant.
Yeah.
Like if you opened a gift and it was a Steven Seagal album, you'd be like, this is pretty funny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You would.
This would be a good white elephant gift because you'd want to have the...
Look at the cover.
It'll be on our website of Steven Seagal's Songs from the Crystal Cave.
I can only describe it as it looks like an album that Steven Seagal would write.
Like, he clearly.
He's in a loincloth fighting a Minotaur in the center of an ice maze.
He's what he is now 100% of the time, which is the stolen valor equivalent of a Native American.
It's the only thing he dresses at now.
That's a solid burn.
Stolen valor.
Equivalent of Native American.
I love it.
Steven Seagal, everybody.
My own opinion is more in line with the one-star reviews of his album that call it overproduced garbage.
So that dude got that fucking Steven Seagal album.
He's like genuinely, earnestly reviewing it.
It's hard to say.
It's really hard.
I will say in fairness, it has 4.1 stars.
It is possible that a lot of people enjoyed this album.
Sure, it is.
I would say many of the songs on it, were you to walk through a store while they were playing, you would not notice.
You would just.
That's the nicest thing you could see.
Yeah, it's boring enough that it would pass under your mind.
It's not as sensational a failure as you'd hope.
It's not like a Sean, or not Sean Connery, Captain Kirk, the fuck, William Shatner.
It's not like William Shatner singing Rocket Man, where it's like everyone has to hear this.
But he's like artistically going for it.
Like there's a charm in that level of enthusiasm.
Total commitment.
Yes.
And that I would say is absent from Steven Seagal's music.
Although you may form a different opinion.
Forgettable.
Yeah, I would call it forgettable.
But 2005 is the year that Steven Seagal started touring with the Steven Seagal blues band, which is a creative name for a blues band.
Great name.
Yeah.
In 2006, Big City Blues Magazine put Steven Seagal on their cover.
You can see the picture of it here.
He's sitting with a group of blues legends, apparently.
I have to trust other people who've written them that they're blues legends.
I don't know much about blues.
Nothing against blues.
It's a wonderful art form.
It does seem from the reviews I've read that the other people in his band are really talented, legitimate blues musicians.
And the subtext is that Seagal is paying them all very well because being a great blues musician does not pay the bills.
Right.
But also, I mean, like, say you're just some blues dude and like you got your own little bubble where you're kind of cool, but like Steven Seagal is an internationally known movie star.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think most people would be excited to meet Steven Seagal.
Assuming you hadn't listened to the part one of this podcast, you'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You made like four really good movies and 85 terrible ones.
Yeah.
It's exciting to meet you.
You're kind of famous.
Come take a picture with us.
Yeah, yeah, I'll golf tour with you, Stephen Seagal.
One of these musicians said in an interview with the Washington Post, quote, I told him he'd have to play these grungy clubs and some real dives where real blues musicians would play.
And he said, let's do it.
He's focused on making it as a musician.
He's paying his dues just like everybody else.
Unlike everybody else, however, Seagal traveled to different cities via charter jets and stayed only in luxury hotels.
That's the blues.
Which is probably why.
That's the blues right there.
That's the blues.
Spending $1,900 a night in a hotel, staying at the fucking W. That's the blues.
Many balls empty.
How many great blues albums have been written about the Waldorf Astoria?
Seriously, like countless.
Sometimes the bar closes like at 1.30 while you're like, your flight was late and you're like, I didn't even have time to get my seventh drink.
Yeah, that's heartbreaking.
And then you got to go to the mini bar.
You got to pay way too much for a very small bottle of wine.
Yep.
Yep.
The blues, everybody.
The blues.
We understand it.
So does Steven Seagal.
So in that Washington Post interview, Seagal claimed to have been studying the blues since his childhood.
Studying the blues.
Yes.
What the fuck does that mean?
It means learning about pain, Sean.
Learning about the true pain of an artist, of a blues artist.
I don't want to fucking learn about the stupid blues.
Like heading the books.
Oh, these fucking blues musicians.
I only made it through blues 202.
I never quite got my bachelor's in blues.
He claims to have learned from the lapse of great but unknown, which is really fortunate for him, Mississippi Delta bluesmen who'd moved north to work in the steel mills.
So stupid.
Yeah.
Just nine-year-old Steven Seagal.
Well, and also the fact that he's talking about steel mills and he lived in Fullerton, California from the age of five on.
Not a lot of steel mills near Fullerton.
Capital Steel Mills?
Capital Blues.
Fullerton.
Well, that's the blues city.
It's not like anywhere on the East Coast.
No, it's Fullerton, California, capital of the blues.
Now, Sean, I'm not an expert on the blues, as the three blues experts listening to this podcast will surely attest to you.
But listening to Steven Seagal's music does not make me think he is a blues musician.
I would agree.
As another non-expert.
I'm going to play a selection from the best song on his album, Strut.
The best.
And what do you mean by best?
I mean the best.
Okay.
I mean the leave it ambiguous.
I mean, I mean, this song is a work of art.
So we're going to play a selection from Strut and Dance along.
You can decide for yourself if Stephen Seagal is a real authentic blues musician.
All right, here it is.
Mr. Shiva Segal.
Standing for me at the shock.
I have done no marauded.
You turn it.
So would you live, darling?
You want your motives to make me feel nice.
Why?
Tell me what you really want.
All night.
So does that sound like the blues?
Dude, I don't know what the fuck that was.
Nobody does.
That's the club jam.
I know he wants the Punani tonight.
Is that really what he said he wants the Punani?
He wants the something like that.
And he also says when the girls strut, you want to look at their butts, but you shouldn't do that.
Which is advice he legitimately should have taken.
Yeah, like your own advice 10 years ago.
Steven Seagal and Steven Seagal, or Songs from the Crystal Cave, which, by the way, the album cover art is the middle bisecting the frame is the center of Seagal's guitar with his face on one side and his hand on another and an enormous turquoise ring.
Of course it's a turquoise ring.
Is that his pinky?
You're goddamn right.
It's his pinky.
I should also note if you look at, he still plays the blues.
And if you look at modern pictures from his concerts, Stephen Seagal is wearing a kefia in every single one of them.
Which, of course, why not?
Why not, Steven Seagal?
About to get the Punani.
He's going to get that Punani tonight.
Stephen Seagal.
I apologize for that particular accident I did.
That was my Steven Seagal's reggae blues Punani song.
The nice thing about making an offensive joke near a Steven Seagal song is that nothing you can say will be worse.
Because that is a nightmare.
I like being in the room with the reggae performers and not having a question about, like, guys, am I allowed to say this Punani line?
Like, this thing's going to come off as weird?
You're paying everyone $40,000 to be here, so you say whatever you want.
Like, no, Steven.
Do you want us to really play up the Jamaican accents?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go real Jamaican.
Here's a 2014 picture of Seagal playing.
Oh, my God.
Let me describe this.
He's got just the sweetest orange guitar.
He's got a do-rag.
His shooter glasses, like he just came from the fucking gun range.
Just like a goatee that looks like it wasn't painted on, but thrown on by like a boomerang hunter from 400 yards away and just fucking slapped onto his face.
I think he's, I think that's a yellow scarf, not an ascot.
Oh, no, that's a kefia, sir.
That is a kefia.
Yeah, that is definitely a kefia.
I'm being told it's a kefia.
He's easy 370.
Steven Seagal has never met a culture he will not appropriate.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
It's a work of art.
It's like someone made the first random choice on the create a character, and like that's just fucking what he's stuck with in his regular real life.
He's like, that's a sarcastic creator wrestler in a cutscene, is what the fuck we're looking at.
That's a good way to describe Steven Seagal in the modern era.
So now that he's been a blues musician, a Buddhist llama and reincarnation of a 17th century priest, repeated alleged sexual offender, and of course an action star, CIA agent, Navy SEAL.
Navy SEAL, a great Aikido master as well, obviously.
After all of that, I bet you're thinking the only thing Steven Seagal hasn't done is be given a position of authority where he's allowed to carry around a gun and has the legal sanction to use violent force.
I'd absolutely give that to him.
License to kill all the way.
If anyone deserves it, it's this guy.
Well, good news.
In 2007, Steven Seagal revealed that he had been secretly spending the last two decades working as a reserve deputy officer for the Jefferson, Paris, Louisiana Sheriff's Department.
Yeah.
I remember this reality show.
You remember when he revealed he'd secretly spent 20 years as a cop?
Yeah.
No one knows I'm Steven Seagal.
They think I'm a beach ball with a napkin on the top of my head.
We really caught a lot of beach crime when Steven Seagal joined the force.
Stupid.
Because I do remember the premise of that reality show was that he just did this all the time, like unrelated to his other stuff.
He was like, yeah, Moses is also a Louisiana sheriff.
And I remember on the show, he would appropriate a lot of black culture.
Like if he was meeting a black family, he'd be like, hey, yo, where the mama at?
And you'd be like, what?
What is this thing you're doing?
He used the most offensive fake accents imaginable.
He also did it as a blues musician.
I actually wrote a cracked article about this, about Steven Seagal's crime vision.
And in the show, this happened where he would stare out the window with his squinty Steven Seagal eyes.
And then it would go all white to sort of imply that Steven Seagal had some sort of like fundamental senses that could tell when crime was near.
And so I called that the crime vision.
And my theory was that near him, five to six miles away, a baby would be turned into a husk, and the parents would never know what caused it.
But it was Steven Seagal's crime vision.
Because that power has to come from something.
Yeah, it has to draw from something.
But even the life essence of a baby makes it where they have all of the editing capacity of a reality show.
They can create any reality they want.
And that show made it very clear that Steven Seagal's crime fighting techniques were to drive around until he saw black people and stare at them.
And if they ran away, you found yourself a crime.
That was like fucking every episode.
I don't know if you can still find it, but that's real.
And I experienced it.
Oh my god, is it ever real?
And the LA Times, God bless them, did some digging into just how true it was that Stephen Seagal had spent decades working as a police officer.
Which, I mean, there are uses I can imagine for him.
Like if you knew a crime was going to occur in an aged leather bag if you had to plug a hole in a dam Steven, stand against this hole in the dam.
You got it.
Crisis averted.
Someone's going to steal a lot of leather jackets.
Put them all on at once, Steven.
I got you.
Thank God he's big enough for all the leather jackets.
Stephen Seagal.
Okay.
So the LA Times did some digging into whether or not Stephen Seagal had actually worked for 20 years as the sheriff's deputy and whether or not he had any qualifications.
Don't spoil it, but I think probably didn't.
It's actually kind of impossible to tell.
The LA Times, yeah, says the LA Times quotes Seagal saying that it started 20 years ago when Seagal was shooting a movie.
Then Sheriff Harry Lee asked him to teach some of his officers martial arts.
He was so pleased at what I was doing that he asked me to come onto the force and be one of his cops.
Maybe.
You got good hand-to-hand combat.
That's mostly what we do with police.
That's mostly what we do.
It's just a lot of karate chopping.
You know, the sad thing is, that would be a lot better than the current situation.
Yeah.
If that were the problem, cops keep karate chopping people.
It's whimsical, but it's annoying.
Another black youth mildly inconvenienced by police karate chopping.
What a better world that would be.
I'm saying maybe Stephen Seagal should have been the president of police.
I don't know who heads our police nationwide.
Mayor Of Police Certification00:05:23
You're right.
Some sort of doctor.
President Mayor of Police.
Mayor of Police.
There we go.
Because the mayor is always on their ass.
That makes sense.
That makes sense.
It does make sense.
Yeah.
So Seagal claims that he worked major cases during this period, although his involvement was officially under the radar for most people.
It seems more likely that at most he spent one or two weekends a month or a year doing some volunteer policing work.
Karate, or Aikido to some cops.
Yeah, when the Latter-day Sheriff was interviewed, he basically said Stephen Seagal was grandfathered in, so he had been working with the Force for a while, but he seemed frustrated that he couldn't get rid of him.
This guy fucking keeps showing up.
He's here.
We were told we can't get rid of him.
Now, Seagal claims that he attended a police academy in Los Angeles and received a certificate from the Peace Officer Standards and Training Organization.
Neither the city of Los Angeles nor Post has any record of Seagal being certified in anything.
His rank was described by the LA Times as purely ceremonial, which seems truer than him ever having any kind of training.
It seems like it would have come up earlier, right?
Like during his Navy SEALs training.
During his Navy SEALs days.
Yeah.
When he didn't learn how to read a map.
All of his legs have like such obvious gaps in the paper trail.
Like if you, if you got certified, that implies a certificate somewhere.
Yeah, and the LA Times found fucking nothing from anybody.
Why wouldn't he show it to you?
Like, I was a cop.
Yeah.
Not a big deal, but here's the cop certification.
That I don't have.
But you can look up on, oh, you did.
Who's your journalist?
I wasn't a cop, but you can believe all the other crazy shit I said.
So Seagal insists that his time in law enforcement was purely a public service.
That's why he kept it secret until November of 2008 when he decided the does that mean?
He decided, Sean, in November of 2008, that the police, the brave men and women of the Jefferson Paris, Louisiana Sheriff's Department needed recognition.
That's why he launched the reality television series Steven Seagal Lawman.
Oh, yeah.
I know you've seen it.
I'm learning that now.
But I'm going to play a little bit of the intro for those of you, those of you in our home non-studio audience, sitting in your car at the gym, fist fighting an ocelot.
Here's Steven Seagal, Lawman.
I make a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I've also been a cop.
And along with some of the finest deputies on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.
My name is Steven Seagal.
That's right.
Stephen Seagal, Deputy Sheriff.
Steven Seagal Lawman, everybody.
Some of the finest deputies, like Chubby Racist number one, and Jubby Racist number three.
I forgot to mention Jubby Racist number two.
And then, of course, heavy set racist.
The greatest of them all.
Finest man.
He's a hero.
We'd like to apologize to a major demographic for this podcast, the Jefferson Paris, who we see in Sheriff's Department, critical listeners, and we really do appreciate y'all.
Please keep buying the t-shirts.
Jefferson Paris.
Keep getting that Punani.
As Steven Seagal would want you to know.
Now, I know what you're all thinking, having listened to Steven Seagal Lawman's intro.
Is there any way that allowing an alleged serial sexual predator to work as a law enforcement officer might go terribly, terribly, terribly wrong?
Oh my God, dudes.
Is there any possible...
I know it's a long shot, Sean.
But is it possible?
Can we imagine it?
Can we conceive of it?
I'm not in charge of anything, but I say, don't do it.
Remember when I said we were going to talk about human trafficking?
Oh, no, Steven.
I shouldn't.
The laugh is inappropriate.
It's just, it's shocking how bad of a person he is.
And that this you would think that we had heard the worst of Steven Seagal at this point.
God, I'd hope so.
Because he's too old to move right.
And it keeps on coming.
So, according to CBS News, Stephen Seagal Lawman had a very successful premiere.
You know, it was AE's most successful premiere in history, actually, at the time.
Yeah, did well.
It was suspended in 2010, though, because Stephen Seagal was accused of human trafficking, specifically of keeping a sex slave locked in his John Lafitte mansion.
Which is, you know, maybe he shouldn't have a badge.
Agreed.
Seems like it was a bad idea.
You guys keeping sex slaves?
Cool.
Give me a call if anyone steals anything.
So we're going to get into that and we're going to get into Stephen Seagal's long and storied friendship with dictators.
But first, it's time for some ads, for some things that are not Steven Seagal Lawman, but I wish they were.
I apologize to our sponsors.
You're far better than Stephen Seagal Lawman, as are we all.
There's two golden rules that any man should live by.
Friendship With Dictators And Ads00:03:42
Rule one, never mess with a country girl.
You play stupid games, you get stupid prizes.
And rule two, never mess with her friends either.
We always say, trust your girlfriends.
I'm Anna Sinfield, and in this new season of The Girlfriends...
Oh my God, this is the same man.
A group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist.
I felt like I got hit by a truck.
I thought, how could this happen to me?
The cops didn't seem to care.
So they take matters into their own hands.
I said, oh hell no.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He's going to get what he deserves.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, I'm Nora Jones, and I love playing music with people so much that my podcast called Playing Along is back.
I sit down with musicians from all musical styles to play songs together in an intimate setting.
Every episode's a little different, but it all involves music and conversation with some of my favorite musicians.
Over the past two seasons, I've had special guests like Dave Grohl, Leve, Mavis Staples, Remy Wolf, Jeff Tweedy, really too many to name.
And this season, I've sat down with Alessia Cara, Sarah McLaughlin, John Legend, and more.
Check out my new episode with Josh Grobin.
He related to the Phantom at that point.
Yeah, I was definitely the Phantom in that.
That's so funny.
Shari, stay with me each night, each morning.
Say you love me.
You know I.
So come hang out with us in the studio and listen to Playing Along on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ago Modem.
My next guest, you know, from Step Brothers, Anchorman, Saturday Night Live, and the Big Money Players Network.
It's Will Farrell.
My dad gave me the best advice ever.
I went and had lunch with him one day, and I was like, and dad, I think I want to really give this a shot.
I don't know what that means, but I just know the groundlings.
I'm working my way up through and I know it's a place they come look for up and coming talent.
He said, if it was based solely on talent, I wouldn't worry about you, which is really sweet.
Yeah.
He goes, but there's so much luck involved.
And he's like, just give it a shot.
He goes, but if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of luck.
Listen to Thanks Dad on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
In 2023, former bachelor star Clayton Eckard found himself at the center of a paternity scandal.
The family court hearings that followed revealed glaring inconsistencies in her story.
This began a years-long court battle to prove the truth.
You doctored this particular test twice, Miss Owens, correct?
I doctored the test once.
It took an army of internet detectives to crack the case.
I wanted people to be able to see what their tax dollars were being used for.
Sunlight's the greatest disinfectant.
They would uncover a disturbing pattern.
Two more men who'd been through the same thing.
Greg Gillespie and Michael Maranchini.
My mind was blown.
I'm Stephanie Young.
Sex Slave Accusation In Louisiana00:14:46
This is Love Trap.
Laura, Scottsdale Police.
As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.
Ladies and gentlemen, breaking news at Americopa County as Laura Owens has been indicted on fraud charges.
This isn't over until justice is served in Arizona.
Listen to Love Trapped Podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
Would you say something, Sean?
Yeah, I did my basic underwater demolition systems training in Steven Segal's bathtub.
We held our hands under the water and screamed for a few minutes.
You call it good.
Oh, boy.
You know, Jesse Ventura was a Navy SEAL.
Yeah, unlike Stephen Sakal.
And a governor.
And a governor.
And wonderful actor.
Slandered by the sniper, Chris Kyle.
For real?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Chris Kyle claimed that he beat him up in a bar because for whatever reason, he said Jesse Ventura said he hoped that Navy SEALs died in Iraq or someplace.
Dude.
I don't like anybody's chances in a fist fight against Jesse Ventura.
Well, there was no fight.
It was just a lie.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
No, Jesse Ventura sued him or like sued, eventually sued his wife because he was dead by that point.
Jesus Christ.
Well, that's a beef when you go after the dead guy.
The way Ventura explains it, he was suing the guy and then he died in the lawsuit.
Like, that's just what happens.
Yeah, I don't know.
Don't take that money, Jesse.
It does seem like Jesse the body Ventura was wrong.
Yeah, yeah, I think he won, too.
I mean, he's dead.
Well, and he was lying.
Jesse was lying or the...
No, no, the sniper.
They never had a fight.
Why would you... Jesse Ventura, like, of all the things, he's not going to say he wishes Navy SEALs go die.
It would be a strange thing for him.
It would be a strange thing for him to say.
And it'd be super weird to, like, pick a fight with him.
Yeah.
Probably walking around 270.
Yeah.
And, like, like, knows what he's doing.
Well, I mean, now he's an elderly, elderly man.
Yeah, but if he still gets hold of you and you're just a normal-sized dude, I mean, he does seem like a dangerous man.
Yeah.
Although he does go by the mind, Ventura now, I think.
The mind.
Well, because his mind is sharp.
Because his body is faded, but his mind is sharp.
He is like 70-something.
Yeah.
I mean, he's in great shape for a 70-year-old, I'm sure.
I'm going to go by the flopping dong.
Speaking of flopping dongs.
Speaking of flopping dongs, eat Doritos.
Yeah.
No, no, we were talking about Steven Seagal.
Yeah.
We were talking about Steven Seagal, and we were talking about Steven Seagal, lawman.
Now, well, like I said, Steven Seagal got accused of keeping a woman as a sex slave in his mansion in rural Louisiana.
Don't want to get controversial.
Strongly against mansions?
Keeping a sex slave.
Oh, yeah.
No, this show is generally pretty anti-sex slave.
Yeah, yeah.
Good.
According to CBS News, Kadeng, 23, saw an ad for an executive assistant job with Seagal's production company on Craigslist.
She answered it and days later was on his private jet, which, for starts, sounds way better than any Craigslist story goes.
But then it immediately descends into what we're all scared of when we think about Craigslist.
Yeah, she was flown to New Orleans, and then they drove to Seagal's house hours away in a rural area with no neighbors close by.
It was at this point that Nguyen learned that the job she was expected to perform had nothing to do with being an executive assistant.
On Nguyen's first night, Seagal told her that she would be required to give him massages, which, again, this is all very familiar.
This is exactly what he said to other people.
Then, according to the suit, he proceeded to treat Miss Nguyen as his sex toy.
Nguyen claims that she was sexually assaulted three times in a five-day period by Stephen Seagal.
She also claims that Seagal kept two young Russian attendants on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I'm going to read a selection from the lawsuit.
Once in Mr. Seagal's bedroom, Sasha began massaging Mr. Seagal's back as Miss Nguyen massaged his legs.
After approximately 70 minutes, Mr. Seagal abruptly ordered Sasha to leave.
As soon as Sasha exited the bedroom and before she could escape, Mr. Seagal began a vicious sexual attack on Miss Nguyen.
Mr. Seagal held her right foot down with his leg and pushed his left knee up with his right hand.
Mr. Seagal then forced his hand into Miss Nguyen's vagina.
As Miss Nguyen began sobbing, Mr. Seagal became sexually aroused and had a unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal.
Miss Nguyen can and will describe in great detail Mr. Seagal's unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal.
Other females who have been present when Mr. Seagal has become sexually aroused will be able to verify the truthfulness of Miss Nguyen's factual knowledge about the characteristics of Mr. Seagal's physiological reaction.
Squirting diarrhea.
God, that is the best case scenario.
Dude, I am really trying to inject some lightheartedness into this nightmare of a story.
Well, you're also saying the best case scenario.
Yeah, like, I really, I can't even imagine what it would be.
I haven't heard any sort of confirmation about what it might be.
Mr. Seagal, or Ms. Nguyen claims that Mr. Seagal then ordered her to take some oval-shaped pills before she left his room.
He told her that he had illegally procured the pills from Tibet.
She believed he wouldn't let her leave until she took them.
So she took them.
She says she was held against her will for almost a full week.
When she finally escapes, she claims Seagal chased after her with a flashlight with a gun attached to it, which seems like a scene from one of his movies, but with him as the bad guy.
But I mean, like, his top speed's got to be like one and a half miles an hour.
She got away.
Yeah, she did get away.
Like.
Okay, so now, I used to go with a girl who was on the Burning Man crew with a guy who ran kink.com.
And this dude lives in the armory.
Oh, he lived in the gym.
It's a gigantic castle in San Francisco that he owned.
There's people who work there who are like straight up sex slaves.
Like, that's whatever their fetish is.
That's their job.
This is their day job.
You don't need to go on Craigslist and say, like, hey, I want an executive assistant.
You can just go onto Craigslist and say, I want a sex slave.
And theoretically, there's people out there willing to take that job.
Theoretically, Stephen Seagal could pay someone to do this job, but then it wouldn't be a power thing.
I gotta think that's what it is.
What's fucking gross about it?
Like, it's not just that he wants a sex slave.
It's like he literally wants it.
It only works for him if, like, that person's trying to escape.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
I mean, I'm not, of all the things I'm going to try to do on this show, psychoanalyzing Stephen fucking Seagal is not among them.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
So, Nguyen claims that she did not call the police at any point because she assumed that they would listen to Seagal.
Her lawyer explained, Mr. Seagal is the police.
She is in a remote area of Jefferson, Paris.
It is Parish.
It is in the middle of nowhere, and he is the police, which does seem accurate.
I think you would have trouble getting justice.
I mean, look at how hard it is in an ideal court situation for a victim to get justice.
And then imagine you're in the woods and Stephen Seagal is the police.
Sure.
Yeah.
And you're like, should be racist number four.
I'm a young Vietnamese woman and Stephen Seagal has sexually assaulted me.
Steven Seagal, he taught me how to kwati chops through 14 pieces of paper.
Again, best case scenario.
Best case scenario.
If so, shoot her on site.
Yeah, yeah.
If she's not eaten by Gators in the parking lot of that sheriff's department.
Luisine has really taken a hit today.
Seagal's lawyer obviously called the lawsuit absurd and alleged that Miss Nguyen was an illegal drug user, which you might note does not at all mitigate claims of sexual assault.
You can definitely use drugs and not be sexually assaulted.
I've used so many drugs and never been a part of any kind of sexual assault.
Yeah.
A lot of my friends can say the same thing.
Yeah.
Not Stephen Seagal.
Not Steven Seagal's friends.
Now, Nguyen did eventually drop the suit, but only because she settled out of court with Seagal.
It seems likely she was paid for her silence, which you can't blame her for.
You take the money.
But that's also kind of the same story we saw with Weinstein, where there's a lot of NDAs attached to that sort of bribery.
Their choice, whatever, man.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
It's hard to get justice.
Our president just made fun of the girl for coming forward.
Some rich guy offers you $500,000.
It's better than being public.
You humiliate people.
Exactly.
Maybe you do that thing.
You can't blame the victim.
Yeah.
So that lawsuit, however, was the end of Seagal's career as a Louisiana peace officer.
So that's good, at least.
A storied career.
That was one bridge too far.
According to Jefferson Parish County Sheriff Newell Normand, Seagal was facing an internal affairs investigation immediately following the outcome of his lawsuit.
He refused to return to Jefferson Parish, at which time he tendered his resignation.
So Seagal fled the state rather than submit to an internal affairs investigation.
It was the end of his career as the Louisiana Sheriff's Deputy, but not, however, the end of his career as a dangerously unqualified police officer.
I'm sure you're happy about that, Sean.
I am happy.
It does turn out that after having been accused of sex trafficking while a uniformed deputy, quite the crime.
That's like the thing is, they teach you that on day four.
And so if you call in sick on day four, you don't learn that, hey, deputies don't take sex slaves.
Because you're starting to get sick on day one, but you really power through those first couple of days.
You don't want to miss the start.
You learn day four.
You learn like conflict de-escalation.
Patrol cargo, which one makes it stop.
Yeah, yeah.
And then, yeah, he's a message.
But you mix the one on not sex trafficking.
Easy mistake.
Easy mistake to make.
Yep.
Stephen Seagal.
And you can't catch up.
No, the work comes too fast.
No, there's no getting the cliffs notes of that lesson.
Louisiana Sheriff's Department.
Of course.
It's great because I don't think he ever had any training.
But the fact that now he's not a real Louisiana Sheriff's Deputy becomes significant.
What about the tough streets of Northern California?
Well, no.
That doesn't count as police training in Louisiana?
No, it does not.
What are you going to fucking wrestle a gator?
What are you going to do?
I mean, I'm not making any sense.
I'm guessing bribe the former sheriff.
Yeah, that would do it.
That seems like what happened.
So this was not the end of Seagal's career as a police officer, as we already stated.
It turns out that, yeah, after having been accused of all of these crimes, there were still exactly two organizations willing to support Stephen's dream of carrying a gun while feeling important.
Annie, of course.
Great channel Annie.
And the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office in Arizona.
If you were going to guess the sheriff's office, it would be Joe fucking our pile.
Yeah.
So in 2011, Stephen Seagal wound up driving a tank into a man's home.
Yeah.
Well, he was an Arizona Sheriff's Deputy.
Dude, I'm not going to lie.
That's what I would do if I was the sheriff and I had a tank.
100%.
Yeah.
And the veterans listening will yell at me.
It was an armored personnel carrier.
I think it was like a bear cat or something like that.
Didn't have like a gun on it.
I mean, I think it might have had a gun on it, but it didn't have like a turret.
You know, not a battle tank.
It's meant to carry people.
Okay.
Yeah.
But it was an armored vehicle.
It was an armored vehicle.
With a gun on it.
Possibly.
Treads or wheels.
I think treads.
Okay.
Yeah, I do think treads.
It's been described as a tank.
It's usually described as a tank.
That's a tank.
All right.
All right.
Other people are going to yell at me on Twitter, and it's your fault, Sean.
So Stephen Seagal had partnered with Sheriff Joe Apio's posse to arrest a suspected cockfighting host.
Seagal has advocated regularly on behalf of PETA for years and is a strong animal rights activist.
So it makes sense that he'd consider animal cruelty a crime worthy of having a small army dispatched to stop it.
What makes less sense is what happened next.
I'm going to quote from an ABC 7 article written about the charges the subject of that raid, Jesus Levera, levied against Seagal and the Maricopa County Sheriff's Department.
Quote.
Levera denies that cockfighting occurred on his property and says that he raised roosters for show.
He says that 100 of them were killed during the raid and that authorities used two armored trucks and a tank to smash through a gate into his yard and that at least 30 SWAT personnel dressed in riot gear and armed with handguns or rivals rushed his home.
Levera said he was unarmed.
Lavera said Seagal distracted his chickens by deploying explosives and then commandeered a sheriff's office tank and crashed through an iron gate on his property.
So Lavera also alleges that his puppy was shot dead during Jesus Christ.
So 100 chickens and a puppy.
Seagal denies.
No bullshit.
That's exactly what I'd do.
If you gave me a tank and a badge.
No.
I would fucking drive straight on to some dude named Jesus' property, kill all his fucking chickens.
It's show roosters.
Fuck you, Jesus.
And this is, again, why cops shouldn't have tanks.
I barely agree the army should have tanks.
I've known a couple of tankers.
None of them have been people I'd trust with tanks.
Maybe no one should be trusted with tanks.
I think my whole point is I know enough about myself to self-select away from a job that would give me a tank.
Yeah, yeah.
Steven Seagal put himself right there.
Killed 100 chickens and maybe a puppy.
Allegedly.
He denies it.
See, I grew up on a farm and I've met some chickens.
So I don't give a shit if some chickens.
Chickens are miserable garbage monsters.
I lived with some chickens up in my last place in Arcadia and they were always shitting on the floor.
They're the worst.
Yeah, they're terrible animals.
We used to have a water supply for chickens.
It's sort of like an upside-down bucket with a trough.
So it would sort of percolate into the trough.
And the chickens would shit in it in a way that didn't make any sense.
It implied they either slowly backed their ass into their own water supply or they were leaping over it and like acrobatically shitting with perfect timing.
And so at a certain point, you're just like, why go through so much trouble to shit in your own water supply unless you're just a garbage monster that shouldn't exist?
So that's how I feel about chickens.
So when I hear about cockfighting, I'm like, all right, well, whatever.
What they were going to do anyway.
Speaking of which, I watched, if I could still keep talking about chickens.
Weird Connections To Vladimir Putin00:15:58
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My mother was attacked by a chicken once.
We had two roosters, and when you have two roosters, they kind of go crazy.
Yeah.
Because the other thing, much like Stephen Seagal, chickens are hardcore rapists.
No chicken has ever willingly given herself to the love-making process of a bird.
So she'll be walking along, like, ooh, what's this in the ground?
What's this in the ground?
And the rooster will come up and like, and, like, she'll freak the fuck out for four seconds, and then the rooster will leave, and he'll do that to her every single day.
Chickens have a terrible life, and they all should be killed.
But my point is, if you have two roosters, they go crazy.
So my mom goes out to collect some mix.
And one of these roosters, driven mad by dick competition, leaps at her face.
And she comes in and she's like, oh my God, the rooster tried to kill me.
And my stepdad gets all fucking aggro.
He's like, nobody fucking tries to kill my wife.
And so he takes, he takes a sidearm out to the chicken coop.
I'm just a young child.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm like, what?
Are you going shooting?
That's weird.
He usually takes me.
And he fucking gets like his feet shoulder-width apart, like, execution style.
He's so fucking pissed at this rooster.
And he explodes a chicken just 20 feet from me, unprepared.
And I'm like, what?
What is going on with this entire world?
And I'm just saying, like, this is an ordinary day in the life of a chicken farmer.
No, and chickens, I will also say in Jesus' defense or whatever, 100 chickens is not a weird number of chickens to have if you have chickens.
Right.
They're addictive.
But if people had more than one rooster, chances are he was making them fight.
And it says 100 chickens.
Now, I don't know.
I don't know if the ABC 7 reporters did that much background work.
I'm saying, hey, Zeus, let's do a background on that fella.
Well, I'm going to guess that.
Maybe Steven Seagal was right to drive a tank on his property and just go fucking crazy.
And shoot his puppy dog.
Okay, that part is like, dude, what?
In front of his kids.
Steven Seagal.
Well, dude, I was actually a little bit wrecked.
When I watched that chicken explode, I was a little bit wrecked.
If that was a dog I saw I'd be fucking That would have been the 10th time today I told that story because that would have been all I think about Yeah, no those kids are haunted by darkness.
There's some fucking Dexter kids seeing a puppy guy get shot by some cops or Steven Seagal unclear which Steven Seagal denies all allegations Clearly so yeah it's hard to say exactly what happened Jesus adds that when he was removed from the building He was immediately asked to sign a release for the producers of the show We're gonna use your chicken house on TV.
Can we use this on TV?
He did not sign the release.
Good for him.
This is not aired on television.
It'd be honest if they aired it, but like blurred his face.
Blurred the chicken faces.
He fucking trampled by swats.
Blurred all but one of the chicken faces.
He signed the release.
There was one chicken that won it.
He wants to be a star.
He's trying to get a spot in real world Louisiana.
So Levera's cockfighting charge was quickly dismissed, probably because it seems like the police broke many laws.
He's telling me there's a fucking law against driving a tank on his enemy's house with like no probable cause.
The quartering act.
Weirdly enough, it's a little corollary in there.
But it's up in there.
No British soldiers in your home.
No tanks through your gate.
No tanks through your chicken coop.
Nope.
Nope.
Not allowed.
Not allowed.
Levera was charged with possession of steroids, which I'm going to guess is probably not what they deployed 30 squad officers and several armored vehicles to find.
Was he ripped or did he have some back pain or something?
I think it might have been steroids for the animals, to be honest.
Oh, okay.
It's not uncommon.
They found it in like a small fridge near the chickens or something like that.
Who knows?
Delicious chicken breasts all pumped up.
Whoa, you're not going to have good.
That would imply that he's raising them for food and not to fight each other.
This would further exonerate him if they're birds, steroids.
Illegal bird steroids.
If they found steroids, he's exonerated.
Oh, boy.
Unless, I guess, do you give steroids to fighting cocks?
I have never hosted cockfights.
I was in a fight with a turkey once.
How'd you do?
Oh, it was a gentleman's fight.
Yeah, and we both won the gentleman.
Oh, yeah.
Your differences were settled?
Differences were settled.
We came to an accord.
It was a good time.
So, yeah.
The raid was never aired.
Here's a picture of Steven Seagal in a fake uniform next to Joe Arpaio, also wearing a fake uniform.
He's in, like, marine digicam, and Joear Paio is in a sheriff's office, but he has four stars on his shoulders as if he's George fucking Datton.
He's a fucking four-star general of the Sheriff's Department.
What is it about the worst people in history in fake show?
It's the goddamn Halloween costume.
Yeah, it's shockingly bad.
It's like two guys that got kicked out of a house party on Halloween for like fucking...
Yeah.
One of the things that's funny about this, I was in Ukraine for their first Independence Day after the Maidan Revolution.
So this is while the Civil War is really just starting to heat up.
And they had just opened up their military to like volunteers.
So like essentially it seemed like, from what I could gather, if you put on a uniform, you were basically in the army.
And they had, and we did, as close, the close we got to the front line, there were a lot of just like middle-aged dudes who had a Kalashnikov and threw on a thing.
But there were like when we were in Kiev, far away from the fighting, it just every man was in a uniform.
There were a lot of very heavy-set older men clearly trying to pick someone up by pretending they were going to go fight in the Civil War.
And like, you just bought a uniform.
That's a good move.
That's how Steven Seagal looks in this picture.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, I'm off to fight war.
He's sexy.
Although, the actual Steven Seagal would never have sided with the Ukrainians against the Russian occupiers.
I do know enough about Steven Seagal to know he's a very big fan of Russia.
Very big fan of Russia.
Very against the sovereignty of people to decide their own.
Navajna, Navajo.
The case against Levera was eventually overturned, or the case that Levera filed against Seagal and the Sheriff Department was eventually dismissed by a judge after Levera fired his lawyer and failed to show up in court to pursue matters further.
There was a controversy in Arizona over all of this because even though the opening to Steven Seagal, Lawman, said Stephen was on loan from Jackson Parish, he had actually resigned and was therefore in shame for sex trafficking and was no longer a lawman, which means Arpaio was not using a lone Louisiana sheriff's deputy, but was just letting a random civilian dressed like a soldier leave sex criminal.
A fugitive sex criminal who had run from an internal affairs investigation, drive a tank wearing a uniform and armed with a gun.
Joe Arpaio.
It's his kind of guy.
Joe Arpaio will for sure be an episode of this show.
Steven Seagal, lawman, only lasted three seasons.
But don't you dare, don't you fucking dare, Sean, feel sorry for Steven Seagal.
Oh, I wasn't.
He has other priorities than his television career.
Priorities like his friendships with several of the world's most prominent dictators and straw man.
Oh, sweet.
And he's got that widow's peak that like touches the bridge of his nose.
Very unusual.
Very unusual.
Most men don't.
It goes the other direction for most men.
Yeah, yeah.
With not Steven Seagal.
So let's start with Victor Lukashenko, the so-called last dictator in Europe and the leader of Belarus.
Lukashenko is known for torturing and disappearing political rivals and letting his small child walk around with a golden handgun.
He and Seagal met up back in 2016, and it's special.
The dictator called him his dear friend, and Seagal claimed to have Belarusian ancestry, which he's claimed that about numerous nations around the world.
He's quite a mix.
He's quite a mix.
Classic Mongol Belarusian.
At one point, they stopped by to pick some fresh carrots, and then this happened.
Sean, I...
Are you going to show me the carrot picture?
You think I haven't seen the carrot picture?
I'm not going to show you the carrot picture.
I am going to show you Steven Seagal eating a goddamn carrot with a dictator in it.
Oh, there he is.
All right.
Here's this.
So they're at a farm picking carrots, and Lukashenko, the dictator who had his last political rival for president imprisoned and tortured, is shaving up a carrot and about to hand it to Stephen.
He's going to town on that carrot.
Really thinking about it.
You owe it to yourself to watch Steven Seagal eat a carrot because he eats it exactly the way people don't eat carrots or anything.
Contemplatively.
Yeah, contemplatively.
He eats a carrot handed to him by a dictator, while the dictator's son, who is 100% carrying a very heavy golden handgun in that video.
Because he always is.
Why not?
Always is.
It tells him it's healthy.
I gave my daughter numb chucks, which I think is like a little cooler than a golden gun.
I mean, Nikolai Lukashenko wouldn't agree.
Fuck Nikolai Levi.
How many times has your daughter met Hugo Chavez?
How many times?
She met that Jesus guy that had all those dead chickens.
You were just doing the Steven Seagal lawman tour of the Southwest.
Right, yeah, yeah.
Like that's visit, visit the site of all his messages.
Steven Seagal's greatest crimes.
That's a long vacation.
Oh, my God.
It's about to get longer.
According to the Moscow Times, he was later handed a watermelon by Lukashenko's son, but was not required to eat it on the spot.
Belarusian law says, you may wait up to seven hours before eating watermelon.
Apologies to our Belarusian listeners.
Why would you apologize?
It's flying.
No, because there's no way this media is allowed there.
They have a dictator.
I'm so sorry for your plight.
Solidarity, my friends.
So this gets into something that I think drives some people crazy, which is the weird ways in which all of the world's shittiest and most dangerous people are connected.
Like, so far, we've done one episode that featured partly on Lukashenko.
We've done one on Alex Jones.
We're definitely going to cover Joe Arpaio.
He's already friends with all of these people.
And we're not even through fucking Steven Seagal's dictator buddies.
It's weird that terrible people have friends.
I think this is like the root of a lot of conspiracy theories.
But I think it's kind of sensible if you just assume that shitty people like to hang out with other shitty people.
Who else is going to hang out with Steven Seagal but garbage?
Like if you're talking about your date and you're like, how'd the date go?
You're like, oh, I don't know if we have a lot in common.
And then Steven Seagal is like, she tried to get away, but I already had my hands on her wrist and she I tore her arm off.
And they're like, cool.
Whereas I think you or I might say, Stephen, that's a terrible story.
Stephen, that's horrible and also certainly did not happen.
Yeah, definitely didn't happen.
You're a liar.
You are sweating just standing up to get the check.
Stephen Seagal.
Talk to you, Steven Seagal.
While we're on the subject.
This has been the subject of the whole podcast.
So it may not surprise you know that Steven Seagal is also friends with Rodrigo Duterte.
Yeah, yeah, the president of the Philippines, who has had 20,000 people and counting murdered by motorcycle-bound death squads.
During one meeting...
To be fair, he said only killed the drug users, right?
Well, but you're going to shoot people, you're going to hit other people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Steven Seagal understands.
The cost of murdering drug users.
Wasn't one of his movies collateral damage?
It should have been.
Arnold Schwarzenegger might have done a collateral damage.
I mean, that was an actual Tom Cruise movie, right?
Collateral with Jimmy Fox.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
With a taxi cab, something like that.
Collateral damage was Schwarzenegger.
Oh.
And that New Zealand guy, that Maori guy that always plays Middle Eastern people.
I don't remember the actor's name.
I can tell you that Stephen Seagal is a great friend to Rodrigo Duterte.
During their meeting, Seagal told the Almost Dictator that he'd visited the country more than 100 times, although he did not specify why.
100 times.
I'm going to guess creepy gross Steven Seagal sex.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's 100% what I'm going to guess.
Because he's Steven Seagal.
Or maybe zero times and he's just fucking lying.
Maybe he's just a gigantic liar because he's lied about every single other thing.
Maybe he mistook it for Hawaii.
Yeah.
Like, oh, yeah, yeah, I've been there 100 times.
Yeah.
So Steven Seagal's most lasting and most consequential friendship is with one of the most powerful and dangerous men on the planet, Vladimir Putin.
The how behind this friendship started with a guy named Bob Van Runkel.
Mr. Van Runkel lived in Moscow until recently and ran the company Doors to Hollywood, which specialized in taking famous people over to Russia.
While Van Runkel denies any political motivation to his work, it really does seem like his job was basically to make famous people sympathetic to a number of Russian and Eastern oligarchic power brokers in order to push a very specific and particular political agenda.
In which country?
Oh, in the United States, towards Russia.
He's basically bringing celebrities over to the East in order to make them like Russia and like Ukrainian oligarchs, and then they'll talk nice about it.
Okay.
That seemed to be kind of his goal, you know?
He's been at parties with Trump and stuff, too.
There's some weird connections there.
I just found out about this guy.
Otherwise, I would have done a deeper dive into Van Runkel, but he is the guy who apparently introduced Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal.
He also, weirdly enough, he introduced Oleg Dariposhka, who is in a Ukrainian aluminum tycoon who was Paul Manafort's entry into that part of the world.
He introduced Dariposhka to Jim Carrey for reasons that are unclear to me so far.
I'll be looking into that.
I don't like the sound of that.
I don't like the sound of that at all.
I don't like the sound of Jim Carrey meeting.
Jim Carrey doesn't need to be meeting any Ukrainian oligarchs.
Stephen Carrey seems like if you had him alone in a room, he might believe everything you said.
Yeah.
You know, he doesn't seem like a guy who thinks when he hears something, he doesn't think, maybe that's not true.
Yeah.
He seems like a nice guy.
Sure.
But does not seem like he has a great deal of credibility.
Right.
Yeah.
In terms of his ability to question the story.
It's possible to influence Jim Carrey.
Yes.
Very curious about that meeting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very curious about that meeting.
In 2010, Van Runkel brought Stephen Seagal to Russia.
Quote, I was hired to bring Stephen Seagal to perform with his band for another event with President Putin.
So was kind of responsible for that introduction and Stephen becoming best friends with him.
So that's nice.
That's beautiful.
Van Runkel said to NPR.
I really hope Putin enjoyed Stephen Seagal's blues band.
I bet he didn't.
He seems like a man who doesn't have a ton of joy in his life, but also Stephen Seagal's band fucking sucks.
Except for that Punani song.
That's pretty hot.
I will say, one of the nice things about this whole tragic story is imagining these like, these like old, sad blues singers getting a free trip to Russia.
Like, fuck it, at least, you know, they probably had rough lives.
Yeah.
They're not Stephen Seagal.
Free trip to Russia.
Good luck, guys.
Vladimir Putin.
I hope you sang.
We gave Vladimir Putin the blues.
Well, we sang about Punani.
Right.
There was no blues.
We put on some Jamaican accent.
Yeah.
It was a shameful time for all, but we stayed in a nice hotel.
I hope that that fueled some good blues albums, like the sorrow of being, of having to work with Steven Seagal in Russia.
Just that it would seem like it might.
I think it would.
It's playing with Seagal blues.
Yeah.
Everyone can relate.
Everyone's been in a band headed by a lying rapist Aikido Master, movie star.
That is a tale as old as time.
So at an after party for the event where Seagal's band played for the president, the actor met Putin personally.
The two kept up a friendship for years and bonded over their mutual love of martial arts, which, I mean, obviously, in a fight between the two.
There's not even a question.
Mutual Love Of Martial Arts00:06:02
Vladimir Putin's going to tear him apart.
I definitely have Vladimir Putin in that fight.
He seems like a dangerous man in a number of ways.
Not to overstake his character.
But I also know that he at least dabbles in judo, which beats Aikido any day.
Well, and it's also like he just doesn't seem like the kind of guy to hesitate to hurt somebody.
Right.
Which is kind of the key when you're trying to hurt somebody.
And I think Steven Seagal could get cowed by just like a harsh word.
Yeah, yeah.
Or a couple of mafia people.
He's the only one in the room with a gun.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
In 2016, Putin gave Seagal a Russian passport and Russian citizenship, which is the kind of thing you could do when you aren't accountable to the laws of your own nation.
It's a sweet gig being a dictator.
According to the Washington Post, Seagal once referred to Putin as one of the greatest world leaders, if not the greatest world leader alive today.
His geopolitical bromance with Putin is only part of the attraction to the country, Van Runkel estimated.
His career peaked there, but he's not doing the $30 to $60 million movies he once was.
Russia is a place to rebrand himself.
And apparently, Seagal decided to rebrand himself as an international diplomat to dictators.
Yeah, well, I mean, natural elevation.
In 2013, Russia's deputy prime minister, Dmitry Rogozin, suggested to President Obama that Stephen Seagal be given a special diplomatic status to help bridge the hostile gap that had developed between the two nations.
President Obama declined because he was an actual person who knows things.
I can't believe this story doesn't go off in a President Obama direction.
Oh, if only.
If only.
Putin did find a way around Obama.
Since Seagal was already a Russian citizen in 2018, Putin just had him appointed a special diplomatic envoy for Russia.
This means that Steven Seagal, alleged sexual harasser and serial rapist, alleged serial rapist, is now in charge of improving Russo-American relations.
He's doing a great job so far.
There's so much more to say about Steven Seagal.
And were there time, we could continue talking about Seagal for hours.
He is a truly remarkable piece of shit.
But I'm afraid we have to draw the line at some point, and this is where I fixed it.
I do want to tell one little story about Judo Gene LaBelle.
Tell me a little about Judo Gene LaBelle, because I understand this guy is a...
He's like a legit judo guy.
He, you know, he was the trained Ronda Rousey back in the day.
And he did some like MMA before that was like a thing.
Like he had some real fights against boxers where he would like, you know, take them down and choke them out.
And I assume the story you're telling about him and Steven Seagal was Steven Seagal talking to Gene LaBelle and how he was like, I could get out of any choke oath.
And Judo Gene's like, well, whatever, pal.
He's like, no, no, no, I'm serious.
Pull me out of choke old.
And so he talked him into like putting him in a real chokehold.
He said he had a special move that could get him out of any chokehold.
And here's what that fucking special move was.
It was a karate chop to the dick.
Like, like, that's the fucking make-believe world Steven Seagal was living in, that he thought his, he knew a secret to get out of a choke.
And it was like the first move that fucking man invented when they started fighting.
Was a hit to the dick.
He thought he invented the punch to the dick.
So Gene LaBelle chokes out Steven Seagal and Seagal allegedly craps his pants.
Yes.
And Seagal has denied this.
Why?
You're not going to fucking admit to that if you're a liar.
No, you're not.
And LaBelle was even the classiest you could be about saying another man.
He was like, well, you know, it's not uncommon when a guy gets choked at after having a big meal.
It might happen.
He wasn't mean about it.
Sure.
I think Steven Seagal shed his pants.
I think it's, we got a 90% chance of Steven Seagal shitting his pants.
So before we roll out here, Sean, when I started research for this, I googled the name Steven Seagal.
Just typed it in and see what would turn up.
You know, usually a fun place to start research.
On the right-hand side of the search results page, I was presented with three quotes from the actor in Luminary.
I'd like to read those quotes now.
Please.
Quote number one.
I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor someday rather than as a sex symbol.
Oh, he did write.
Good luck.
He did write a book recently, The Way of the Shadow Wolves, with someone else.
We will, we'll, we'll, that has to be another.
There was just too much.
There's, you're right.
I couldn't cover it.
It's about how Obama tried to conquer the country.
It's really like all of the Fox News talking points filtered through Alex Jones's craziness into the mind of a very, very dumb man who doesn't care about the truth.
Weird that he went hard right because you would have guessed he would have been like a loony left kind of guy.
I think.
Yeah, what with like the Buddhism and the spirituality stuff?
But nope, he's all in on Trump.
Interesting.
Interesting how that happens.
Second quote.
I have made a lot of mistakes, but I've worked hard.
I have no fear of death.
More important, I don't fear life.
Fuck you.
There's a lot of wisdom in that statement from Steven Seagal.
He wishes.
All right.
Dude, that's the most fucking I'm trying to sound fucking wise bullshit.
I didn't even include this stuff.
What a dumb person trying to sound smart.
One of the through lines in this is his repeated attempts to get writing credits on movies he didn't write and being denied them by like the writers of the WGA being like, no, you didn't write this.
You don't get a writing credit on it.
Oh, the idea that I should have all the funny lines too.
What?
I don't get a writer credit for that.
He also said he'd rather be doing movies like Sense and Sensibility than Under Siege, something like that.
Like that he wished he wanted to pull people's heartstrings.
Good luck to you, buddy.
He didn't.
He never did.
He didn't even try one.
If he had the poll, he could have fucking made it.
Never attempted.
John Claude Van Dame did Nowhere to Run.
That was sort of a...
And he did JCBD, which had some emotional beats.
Yeah.
Had some emotional beats.
I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to.
One more quote.
It doesn't work if the bad guys kill his mother's uncle's friend's neighbor's pet dog.
You've got to make the stakes high.
Which I think is fun because he almost certainly killed a guy's dog.
Wishing For Heartstring Movies00:02:57
Yeah, absolutely.
That guy fucking killed 70 of a guy's chickens in one fucking minute.
Oh boy.
Steven Seagal.
That's all I have on Steven Seagal.
I think that's plenty.
That was more than enough.
Real piece of shit.
Sean, do you want to plug your pluggables before we roll out here?
You can find me on crack.com.
You can find me on Twitter to play Calculords, mobile devices.
You know, that's it.
I'm around him.
You can find me on Twitter at iRedUngin.
You can find me on, or you can find our website, behindthebastards.com, where there will be some very, very sad pictures of Steven Seagal.
Really profoundly depressing.
As well as all the sources for this article.
You can also find us on Twitter and Instagram at BastardsPod.
And yeah, that's it.
This is the end of the episode.
I cannot imagine talking more about Steven Seagal.
So we're done.
We might rot.
We might watch it.
Now we're talking.
When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands.
I vowed I will be his last target.
He is not going to get away with this.
He's going to get what he deserves.
We always say that.
Trust your girlfriends.
Listen to the girlfriends.
Trust me, babe.
On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What's up, everyone?
I'm Ago Modern.
My next guest, it's Will Farrell.
My dad gave me the best advice ever.
He goes, just give it a shot.
But if you ever reach a point where you're banging your head against the wall and it doesn't feel fun anymore, it's okay to quit.
If you saw it written down, it would not be an inspiration.
It would not be on a calendar of, you know, the cat just hang in there.
Yeah, it would not be.
Right, it wouldn't be that.
There's a lot of life.
Listen to Thanks Dad on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
In 2023, bachelor star Clayton Eckard was accused of fathering twins, but the pregnancy appeared to be a hoax.
You doctored this particular test twice, Miss Owens, correct?
I doctored the test once.
It took an army of internet detectives to uncover a disturbing pattern.
Two more men who'd been through the same thing.
Greg Gillespie and Michael Mancini.
My mind was blown.
I'm Stephanie Young.
This is Love Trapped.
Laura, Scottsdale Police.
As the season continues, Laura Owens finally faces consequences.
Listen to Love Trapped podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Army Of Internet Detectives00:00:37
10 shots fired the city hall building.
How did this ever happen in City Hall?
Somebody tell me that.
A shocking public murder.
This is one of the most dramatic events that really ever happened in New York City politics.
They screamed, get down, get down.
Those are shots.
A tragedy that's now forgotten.
And a mystery that may or may not have been political.
That may have been about sex.
Listen to Rorschach, murder at City Hall on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.