Some People Are Above The Law | The Babylon Bee Podcast
The Babylon Bee Podcast talks about Hunter Biden getting a pardon from his dad and how Elon Musk might be buying Hasbro to save Dungeons & Dragons from the woke mind virus. Kyle and the gang also talk about bad movies that are good and good movies that are bad. This episode is brought to you by these sponsors: Get emergency prepared with My Patriot Supply: http://preparewithbee.com With the dollar uncertain, go with Priority Gold: http://prioritygold.com Get the medicine you need from people who believe in medical freedom at All Family Pharmacy: http://allfamilypharma.com/bee
Hey, everyone, welcome to the Babylon Bee podcast.
I'm Kyle Mann, the editor-in-chief of the Babylon Bee, and I'm hanging out with my buddies Jarrett and Travis.
Hello.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.
Well, hello.
Will Elon buy Dungeons and Dragons to Unwokify It?
Will Biden pardon Hunter?
Yes, he will.
And he did.
How's everybody doing?
How was your Thanksgiving?
Well, that was a big exclusive.
You're just like glossing over that.
He pardoned Hunter.
Well, we're going to find out.
We'll find out later.
More details.
It's like a teaser, so people will watch the whole episode.
My Thanksgiving was good.
I went to Oklahoma.
Ah.
Oh, you really did?
Yeah.
The musical?
No, I went to the state.
Oh, no.
Let me tell you, it was very brown and it was very flat.
Were there a lot of Twisters?
I just watched that movie.
There were zero Twisters.
I also watched Twisters.
It was good.
It was fantastic.
It was like an old movie.
It was like a 1980s movie.
Well, 90s movie.
It was like a 90s.
Twister came out in the 90s.
We were watching.
My wife was like, I just want to watch something like just a regular movie.
You know, nothing weird.
Yeah.
It's like Twisters.
So we watched it and she was like, we were two-thirds of the way through the movie.
And she goes, this is very comforting.
This movie about destructive.
It's almost like civilization isn't lost yet.
Well, yeah, the fact that it's like, oh, it's hitting all the story beats of a disaster movie.
We know exactly what's going to happen.
We figure it out from the beginning.
Oh, she's going to solve this problem and then that's going to be the thing she overcomes.
It was perfect.
It's fine.
And it also didn't make people out to be like these middle American people out to be villains.
Yeah, they were just normal.
They were just heroes.
They were heroes doing good things.
It was filmed on location in, you guessed it, Oklahoma.
Oh, no.
And it does not mention climate change a single time in the entire movie.
Can you believe it?
Which is shocking.
It's shocking.
Like they throw climate change into every single movie.
Even just like you would have expected a throwaway line, like her talking about tornadoes.
And someone's like, ah, because of climate change.
Yeah, you know, climate change.
It's in everything.
It's in everything.
They turn and look at the camera.
It's because of climate change.
We got to see those cuts.
That's in the deleted scene.
We got to kill Hitler to stop him from producing climate change.
And so then we were in the mood for more disaster movies, so we watched Sharknado.
Oh, fun.
How was that?
I had never seen it before, nor had I seen any of the intentionally bad campy movies like that.
And I'm of two minds about it.
I'm of three minds about it.
On the one hand, I like So Good It's Bad movies, and this fits that bill.
So bad, it's good.
What did I say?
So good, it's bad.
I'm trying to think what that would be.
I know.
I'm trying to think of it.
So good it's bad.
Well, that's Citizen King.
Yeah, or like, I'm thinking.
It's a good movie, but it's old and it's bad.
I'm thinking No Country for Old Men or something, where it's like, this is so good, but it's so intense.
I never want to watch it again.
That's a good thing.
Schindler's list.
Schindler's list.
Or the passion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a good example.
It's so good it's bad.
Yeah.
Anyway, it wasn't that.
It was so bad, it's good.
So that's plus on the negative side, you can tell they're in on the joke, which ruins the joke.
That's true.
On the other hand, my third mind, on the third mind, on the third mind hand, the decisions that they make in the movie, like the kinds of mistakes that they're making in the movie.
In Sharknado?
In Sharknado.
You have to be a pretty good filmmaker to know how to make all of those mistakes.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's not.
Give us an example.
Okay, so like the stuff that I didn't love was like, oh, we're going to fly over the tornado and drop a bomb in it to stop it.
Like, I'm like, okay, I. Wouldn't it work though?
Correct.
So it's not funny because it would work.
No, but it's like clearly they're writing this over-the-top action scene to be funny.
Like, oh, the sharks is flying from the sky and eating the guy.
And then it's yeah, there's a shark eating a guy outside of a helicopter, right?
Yeah, like some a girl falls out of a helicopter into a shark's mouth who then eats her, and then 20 minutes later in the movie, the shark lands and the guy dives into it and cuts her out of it and saves her.
What?
Like that kind of stuff, right?
Okay, spoilers.
I love that.
But no, I like it too, but in, but I would like it more if they weren't aware of how stupid.
Like they know it's stupid.
They do it to be funny.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
No, I get that.
But the things that really worked for me were like the way that it would show them inside the car and then would cut outside the car and it's clearly like a stock image of LA when it's when it's like not raining.
And they clearly like used an Adobe Premiere like filter of rain in front of a sunny picture.
You know what it seems like?
And then it's like, and the sharks destroy the Santa Monica Pier and you're like, oh, and then it just goes to a drone shot over the Santa Monica Pier on like a sunny day.
And it's like after the attack, everybody was devastated.
You know, and you're like, and just like lighting mismatches and weird, like things that don't, like, you have to be a pretty talented filmmaker to make all those errors intentionally.
Fair enough.
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There was a movie I watched over Christmas called The 12 Dates of Christmas.
It's one of the Hallmark movies that I actually like.
And it's, if you read it, if you watch it, it's probably a lot like Groundhog's Day.
But there was a, it's supposed to take place sometime in 2009.
It's Mark Paul Gosler and Amy Smart.
Wait, what's it?
Zach's called 12 Dates of Christmas.
So Zach Morris.
Zach Morris and Amy Smart here.
I don't know if you know who she is, but she's really funny.
She was in Rat Race.
Yeah, there you go.
She's funny.
She's good.
And so you guys will probably hate this movie, but it's like the best Hallmark movie.
And I have to watch a lot of those.
So all this.
You have to?
Yes.
My wife loves them.
Oh, okay.
And so anyway, there is a stock, there's a stock image.
It's supposed to be New York at night.
It's taking place sometime in 2008.
The two towers are in the image.
And I was like, I was, we were watching it and I was like, is that the two towers?
Like, did we just see it?
It's way after 9-11.
Aren't they called the Twin Towers?
The Twin Towers.
Not like the Tolkien.
It's the Twin Towers.
And I'll tell you what.
I was like, it made me realize somebody just threw that image in and did not pay attention and was like, well, we got to get an image.
We got to get an estimate.
I love that shot.
That's the stuff that I absolutely love.
It's so funny.
Well, don't you get it?
It's part of the movie.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah, like it's the one miracle they don't mention.
Yeah.
It's like 10 lords are leaping and oh, yeah, and the twins are twin towers are back.
And then with the other thing with Shark Nado is like the random lines of dialogue that don't make any sense or like a side plot where someone's like, oh, I was bitten by a shark as a child.
And then it never comes back up ever again.
You know, and you're just like, that's just, it's fantastic.
So I wonder how I want, I know that they were in on it.
Like, okay, we're going to make the silly Campy movie, but I wonder what went into that.
Like if they're like, oh, let's write something that never comes back again.
Or if it was like, let's write, let's just write a script and we'll never go back and revise it.
You know, like, how do you get to that end product?
So I'm fascinated from that perspective.
Or it makes me wonder if, like, because I'm sure there's hundreds of terrible scripts that get submitted all the time.
They just picked one.
I'm like, this is awful.
Let's do it.
Let's make it.
Yeah, right, right.
That would be another way.
This is going to fly.
And you know what else they do?
They run out of money and they shoot all of the last minute editing stuff to India or something.
And people are just not, they just, they just are grabbing whatever to make.
Are you saying Indians can't edit film?
No, I'm I didn't say that to bad people that are not bad.
Like Indians.
No, it's somebody that may not be aware of American pop culture so much.
And so they just throw.
So I didn't, I didn't appreciate it on the level that I appreciated like Manos Hands of Fate.
If you go Hand of Fate, have you guys seen that?
I have not seen that.
It's one of the worst movies ever made.
There's a mystery.
Mystery Science Theater made it famous by doing a comment.
We got to go watch it.
Let's watch it.
It's great.
And then I've never seen The Room.
Have you guys ever seen The Room?
I've seen The Room.
I've not seen The Room.
But that's the stuff where like random one lines that never come back and like the scenes that don't make sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
The room is amazing.
The, what is it?
The disaster artist is also amazing.
So you never get a chance.
If I remember right in Mano's Hands of Fate or Hand of Fate, it's like randomly a singular or plural for some reason.
There's like a couple that pulls off to the side of the road and they're like making out.
And then a cop comes by and he's like, hey, or something.
And then he keeps going and it never comes back.
It never is mentioned again.
Like there's no purpose to it whatsoever.
It's sort of just to mimic other movies that have those types of scenes.
Like, oh, something's going to happen.
And then they just forgot to go back to it.
We didn't have the money to finish that part.
You know, the acting was so bad we couldn't keep it.
We have, there's a, there's a Christian movie called Home Safe.
The one that.
Home Safe that Tom Ratchford produced.
Can we get, we need to get the rights so we can Mystery Science Theater that bad boy.
I would feel bad because we know the creation.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Tell them we're going to be nice.
No, we can try it for sure.
Yeah.
We try to do that.
You know what we should do is get the rights to The Thief in the Night.
Yeah, I would do that one too.
Because that actually, that one had some broad release.
Everyone saw that one.
We've probably talked about it on the podcast before, but in Home Safe, there's a kid that's misbehaving in the whole movie.
He's walking around going, like he's running around the house and his parents are telling him, stop running around the house.
And then randomly towards the end of the movie, they're like going to the spaceball game that's been building up to.
And he's running in the house.
They're like, come on, man.
Come out of the house.
And then he catapults himself through the sliding glass door and dies.
They hear and they go and his bloody body is on the ground.
And you're like, what?
And then a Christian artist, like an Amy Grant, it was kind of a folks.
She's like, and she sings a song narrating what just happened.
And she's like, and then he went through the glass.
Yeah.
And it's punctured his head.
But it's very, it's very specific.
It's very descriptive.
And the blood was everywhere.
Tiny bits.
Baseball.
Baseball.
By the coffin at the morgue.
And the whole thing is, and it's like, kids have no sense.
They have no sense.
Which is like, just so fantastic.
Anyway, we are getting a gift.
I did have a good time.
Stayed home, stayed home, hosted, had some friends over.
That's you jumped through a signed glass door.
Or any of your kids.
Hopefully not.
I feel like someone ran into something.
Because I have a theory.
In real life, if you do that, you'll live.
I'm pretty sure it's the kind of glass that's not going to happen.
My next door neighbor was a drug addict, the first house that we ever owned.
And our walls were paper thin.
So every night we would hear everything that went on over there.
He lived in Japan?
No.
But we lived in Covina in a back house.
And the guy next door was loud and he did drugs all the time.
So one time I hear a scream from next door and it shatters it, just like the movie.
Just like the movie.
And then a song started playing.
You know, literally, the guy was a guitar player and he would play like folk music too.
So it is very similar.
I grabbed a hatchet.
And you murdered them.
No.
I don't know why I grabbed the hatchet.
It was handy.
And I thought, well, if something's going on, I'll have this hatchet.
A hatchet is never handy.
So I ran over and I jumped over the fence.
He had run through the sliding glass door.
There was blood everywhere.
Wow.
But he was okay.
I was like, what happened?
And he's like, oh, yeah, my girlfriend scared me.
That's great.
And I was like, okay, so she's a spooky ghost.
He's crazy.
Yeah.
So anyway.
I will say I was very thankful on Thanksgiving because Southern California, we were playing Wiffleball in the backyard.
It was 80 degrees and we were swimming.
And it's wonderful.
I had a good Thanksgiving too.
I went to Fresno up with my family.
It was very cold.
And I had some good, you know, good times.
We went antiquing.
Oh, in Fresno.
Which there's a big antique scene up there.
I don't know if you guys know this.
It is a wild antiquing scene.
Big antique.
I can tell you.
Antiquing gone wild.
And some of the stores stay open until 6 p.m.
Oh, yeah.
It is an insane scene.
It's crazy.
They have whole record stores, though, like in other antique malls.
Like, you know, people rent out the booths.
They put their stuff in that booth and they sell that stuff.
And so anyway, tons of good stuff.
I actually found it was very fun.
It's great.
I highly recommend antiquing.
It's like treasure hunting.
Actually, these pants he got at the Frozno antique rodeo.
You know, you could.
You could.
That's what's great about them.
That's what's great about these antiquing places.
You could get these chairs.
You could get a World War II knife, you know?
What did you compare antiquing to?
Treasure hunting.
Treasure hunting.
It's just without reclaiming indigenous cultures, you're paying for things.
Yeah, it's more like reclaiming American culture because a lot of it is just pop culture.
It's just like all the pop culture.
He's got one of those floor lamps from the 90s.
Yeah.
And he's like, it belongs in a museum.
There was one.
There was one.
There always is.
You know, it's all the kitsch from all the years.
And so it's really cool.
Plates with Elvis on them.
Yeah, yeah, plates with Elvis, a lot of Hardy Boys.
Elvis with plates on them.
A lot of Tom Swift.
There was a whole booth that was just Playboys that I had to block off so my kids weren't.
It was behind the beads.
It was behind the beads.
Were there beads?
No, there's no beads.
That's always weird.
Sometimes you go into an antique store and then you'll see something like that and they go, oh, it's vintage.
It's not bad.
It's sold.
Right?
After 25 years, it becomes classic.
It becomes classic.
And it's no longer pornographic.
It's no longer pornography.
Well, that's what's with all the Greek statues.
They're old enough that they're at the time.
It was very pleasant.
At the time, you had to only find them in lemon groves.
They were all behind the beads.
Behind the beads.
They were in rich guys' houses.
And then now they're like, oh, they're vintage.
It's vintage.
Hey, everybody, if you think you're as funny as us, go to Babylonbee.com slash plans.
Become a subscriber.
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This week we had a, I guess they've started something new in the forum called Travis Tuesdays.
I did not start it.
Oh, they just said they started it.
Travis would never all his sock puppet accounts.
This guy's named At Not Travis, 12.
And he pitched this headline, the MAGA movement is going strong.
And then there's Travis with muscles.
Yeah.
I mean, just a regular picture.
It's a regular picture of me.
I don't know why you think it's so weird.
So if you want to get in on Travis Tuesdays, you got to join us.
Yeah, it's like Taco Tuesdays, but white.
I mean, more muscles.
And more muscles.
Every now and then I'll get tagged by someone when there's a Travis Tuesdays post and they're like, oh, Travis has got to see this.
And I look and it's always like some horrifying picture.
And I'm like, it's Travis as a lobster.
Yeah.
No.
There is one of me as a turkey.
It's Travis as a lobster and he's getting eaten by a Travis.
Oh, that's horrible.
No one make that picture.
No, don't.
It's probably going up for right now.
If you guys ever do Jarret leap years, you could do that.
Jarrett Leap Year.
That would be great.
Make it happen.
You know, the subscribers.
Every February 20th.
All right.
Let's find out what's in the news this week.
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What's in the news this week?
Biden has pardoned Hunter for everything that he's done in the past 10 years.
What?
I read the pardon and it was insane.
It's probably fairly common, I think, in terms of presidential pardons that you don't just say this one specific crime.
Because if you pardon someone for one specific crime, then the prosecutors could be like, ah, oh, but what about the crime?
What about the Atlantic?
That's fair.
Atlantic crime.
However, a sweeping pardon of literally done in the last 11 years.
11 years.
When he started working for Burisma, there was a, there was a, he chose an arbitrary date.
There was a post.
Can I just do that random?
11 years.
One of the Christianity Today types.
There was a post, and they said, you know, this is how Biden's pardoning of his son Hunter is just like the gospel.
Ah.
Just like how we just Jesus juked us, committed money laundering and tax and gun crimes.
And then our corrupt father.
Yeah.
I don't want to go on with this.
Yeah, that's not.
Yeah, it's not.
Biden tweeted six months ago, no one is above the law.
So people were having fun.
Community notes hit it, I think.
Oh, yeah, it has been community noted.
Yeah.
Technically, there are people that are above the law.
And just recently, KJP, when they asked, I think this was over the summer, they asked, will he pardon Hunter?
And she said, the answer is no.
The president would just pardon or commute sentences for his son, Hunter.
I want to make sure that bad things is very changed over the next six months.
The president's not.
It's still a no.
It's still an error.
It's still no.
It's been a no.
It's still a no.
We've been clear.
It is a no.
So they shared this on December 1st about something that she said probably over the summer.
It would be mad.
Yeah, but it was, yeah, so that's fairly recent.
Oh, yeah.
Well, they've been saying that since the beginning.
You know, I saw a lawyer's take on this too.
That really what he did is he implicated himself.
And a lot of people, what will happen is they will subpoena Hunter to go.
He'll be, you know, he'll be free, right?
So he's pardoned.
But then he is not, he is under obligation to testify against his father.
And if he doesn't, he can go to jail until such time as he will.
Yeah, because there's no Fifth Amendment right for the See that's only you don't have to testify about yourself.
Right.
it's it's only right that gets waived and so now it's not if your wife is charged with the same crime then you can't be double charged that's That's right.
It's called double indemnity.
The wife and the husband cannot be charged for the same crime.
It's true.
The Atlantic published this headline.
Biden's unpardonable hypocrisy.
The president vowed not to pardon a sin Hunter and then did so anyway.
So even the libs are mad.
USA Today opinion at a moment in American history when honesty has taken a beating.
President Joe Biden made a liar of himself by pardoning his son Hunter.
Can I just say that that picture of Biden with his son Hunter looks weird like he's going in for the kiss?
Yeah.
Well, he looks like that with everybody.
I guess he does, but it also looks like they're in cahoots and everything you think.
It's like Oswald Cobblepot and the Riddler.
It's the Riddler.
Well, Trump has tapped Kash Patel to head the FBI pending the Senate confirmation that I believe happens at the beginning of the year.
And there's a Babylon Beast headline on it.
Patel Ramaswamy to celebrate inauguration with traditional Bollywood ceremony.
Exciting.
For the podcast, can we animate that with their heads going back and forth and some music?
You know, yeah, just like that's a that's a shot from RRR, I think, isn't it?
Yes.
Yeah, and that's it's such a great scene.
It would be awesome to just animate their faces on what's RRR?
RRR is a Bollywood movie that came out.
It's the most ridiculous action movie that's ever been made.
Okay.
Is it just called R.
Yeah, it's like it doesn't stand for something?
It probably does, but it says RR.
Ramaswamy.
Yeah, Ramaswamy Patel.
Robotic Ramaswamy Ragdoll Republican Ragdolls.
Republican Ragdolls.
But I'm telling you, it's absolutely crazy.
Like you watch it.
One guy takes on like 3,000 soldiers at once, and it's just amazing.
you gotta see it well that's just like did you watch that 300?
I've never seen it now.
Oh, you guys.
That was one that was a little more self-aware, too.
Right.
Oh, it was definitely, it was definitely self-aware.
Yeah.
Oh, check it out.
So who is Kash Patel?
And why should I care about him?
I have no idea.
Oh, well, it turns out he's another Trump loyalist who the establishment hates.
Liberals hate this.
He called the deep state, including the FBI, investigating Trump over the Russiagate stuff a criminal enterprise that's worse than Watergate.
He's calling for everyone involved in the Russia stuff to be prosecuted.
Dang, bro.
He wrote a book called Government Gangsters that Trump praised as the roadmap to returning our institutions to serving the people.
Hold on, you told me you didn't know who he was.
Well, you kind of do.
Dan was very quickly typing and I was reading as he was typing those notes.
Dan's just frantically switting back there like, oh, I got to get him information.
The trick is learning to read.
Is it Bugs Bunny that's riding on the train and putting the tracks?
Isn't that a trap?
Yes, sir.
I don't read it.
He's putting the tracks in front of as it's going.
He's building the bridge as he walks on it.
I never remember which cartoon character that was, but I think it was Bugs Bunny.
It's probably all of them.
They've all done it.
Yeah.
That does seem like one of the common things.
One of my favorite memes about that of Bugs Bunny is as the dungeon master woke Dungeons and Dragons.
As the Dungeon Master, when the players start going somewhere that you didn't prepare for.
Oh.
And you're like, you go around the corner and see an ogre and you're just throwing the track down as there.
There is a lot of improv in Dungeons and Dragons.
Yeah.
My favorite trick, so I have a dungeon prepared.
Oh, they're going to go here to this cave.
And then they don't go there.
They don't go there.
I'm like, well, guess where it is now?
It's on this side of the road.
It turns out.
It turns out you did not avoid it.
Well, South Korea's president declared martial law.
But then six hours later, lawmakers forced the president to back down.
So he said there's anti-state forces and threats from North Korea.
That was his justification.
Yeah, he was saying the opposition party was basically trying to rig things to get stuff done.
What I thought is why martial law in order, what does martial law do for him to be able to- He can arrest people without a warrant.
Without a warrant.
And it restricts free protesting or whatever.
He can just tamp down on everything really quick.
Is the army in the streets?
South Korea, I mean, forgive me.
I actually am pretty ignorant of South Korea.
So what's the government system there?
It's a different system.
It's not democracy.
But is it kind of leaning progressive now?
Well, I think the issue, he was saying that these are like people who want to make South Korea North Korea again, basically.
They have hats.
They have hats.
Make South Korea and North Korea again.
They're somehow red.
Yeah, so he was trying to, according to him, he was trying to stop this from happening by pulling a dictator move.
So, you know, that's a real move.
He made South Korea and North Korea by trying not to make South Korea.
Yeah, I really don't know enough about it.
I read about it and I was like, I don't get this.
I didn't understand why.
It is interesting to look at any other country's political system and I'm like, I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah, no idea.
I have no idea what's going on here.
Maybe a little bit about UK.
No, they're even worse.
They're like wearing wigs.
Well, they still don't.
The UK is weird.
The parliamentary system with the monarchy is just weird.
They're doing Haka.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, but then you look at France.
And then France is like, oh, we have a president and a prime minister.
Well, and we have a there's a dictator in Canada.
You know?
Yeah.
That whole thing was weird.
Trump meeting up with Trudeau.
Trump met with Trudeau and he joked about making Canada USA's 50, the USA's 51st state.
And then he posted this on Truth Social with him standing in front of a Canadian flag looking at Canada.
He said, oh, Canada.
Nice.
Okay.
I like to think he's saying that, actually.
Oh, Canada.
But not to the right tune.
Oh, Canada.
To the tune of the mockery now.
Yes.
I do think that is interesting.
It's weird that Trudeau responded the way he did.
He's like, yeah, yeah, we're going to work this out.
We're going to work this out.
Which I'm like, Trudeau, you're such a jerk.
Yeah.
You should have worked this out already.
Yeah, Trudeau went to Mar-a-Lago because of all the tariff threats right now.
And Trump can't do tariffs now because he's not president yet, but in January, he can do it.
Yeah, he's like, unless you guys can figure out your...
He tried.
It turns out you have to be able to.
He told his people.
Enact the tariffs now.
Like, sir, I mean, Mr. Trump, you're not president yet.
Oh, yeah.
I am.
But just make it happen.
Just make it happen.
I don't want to know the details.
I don't want excuses.
Yeah.
What's the date?
You're fine.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
So, I don't know.
It could be interesting.
We'll see what happens.
We're all feeling pretty good about where the country's headed right now, right?
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Well, Elon Musk is either joking on X or actually toying with the idea of buying Hasbro to unwokified Dungeons and Dragons.
I would support that.
Yeah, I would too.
It's weird, though, because this is how Elon Musk talks when he's threatening to do something too.
Because he did this with X, didn't he?
Yeah, Twitter at the time.
He started joking about it.
Yeah, he's just like, oh, how much is it?
Her, her.
Right.
And MSNBC, same thing, right?
He's like, nah, maybe.
Yeah.
So a lot of this started.
I mean, Hasbro, Wizards of the Coast, Dungeons and Dragons, it's all been going woke for years.
That whole scene, the whole board gaming scene, I have been permanently banned from Board Game Geek, which was another fun story.
But they're all kind of going woke.
The most recent refresh of the fifth edition Player's Guide, or I think it's in the Dungeon Masters Guide, has a paragraph about using safe signals if you're triggered by things in the game.
Hold your arms up in an X.
Now, they've been doing this at some tabletop RPG conventions for years.
You hold up a little X card.
If you're write your pronouns on your thing, you hold people have adopted it.
Yeah, this is too far for me.
And I have a lot of thoughts on this.
On the one hand, I understand like in an RPG that gets very descriptive, some people might be like, I'm a little uncomfortable with this kind of thing.
But that's not the kind of game I want to play.
I want to play a game where we go fight dragons.
That's what I want to do.
And it's just, I don't think a rulebook needs rules about common human decency of like, oh, Travis is starting to have a panic attack because we're fighting a fish and he hates fish.
This reminds me of that time that fish killed my father.
Yeah, exactly.
Clowns.
Clowns killed my dad.
And it's like any basic, any group that you know that is friends, you're going to kind of know, oh, he doesn't like that.
We're going to stay away from that.
So I don't feel like it needs to be in a rule book.
And it's also just very fun.
This is just very funny to me.
So for our blind listeners, Kyle Kyle made an X shape with his arms above his head.
Do people like go and play DD with strangers at conventions?
Like Gen Con, you'll go and like, it's a lot of like one shots.
You'll just go, well, we're going to play Tuma Horrors.
And you go sit down and play Tuma Horrors.
Well, last time I played, I had one friend in the room, and the rest of them were strangers.
So it's kind of a combination of the two.
Yeah.
Friends.
Strangers.
So a Twitter account, an X account Grums actually posted, and he posted this from a preview version of the 5th edition guide.
So everybody was starting to comment on it.
And then there's this new book, it's like History of Dungeons and Dragons, 1970 through 1977, The Making of Original Dungeons and Dragons.
And the book's forward has this apologetic paragraph about, you know, Gary Gygax, the creator of Dungeons and Dragons, was problematic in many ways.
And the original book was sexist and racist.
And, you know, and it's just, wokeism is this thing that just infects these institutions and then attacks the original creators of these things, which is just terrible.
So Musk replied to this post about it and said, how much is Hasbro?
He started feeling around in his couch cushions.
He's like, does Hasbro own the rights to HeroQuest?
Yes.
The edition that we're playing.
Hasbro owns Wizards of the Coast, which owns Avalon Hill, which owns HeroQuest.
Okay.
That's the parentage.
All right.
I'm just saying he could get another edition of HeroQuest.
Yes.
Actually, we played with the new rules, and we have a video of it.
Oh, yeah.
So let's watch it.
Clawbar, Willis.
I just want to say thanks again for inviting me to play DD today.
It's been way too long.
And hey, you guys even met a girl.
Of course we met a girl.
We have a plus four in charisma, but a plus one billion in Kha Riz.
She's his cousin.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Well, anyway, I dusted off my trusted old copy of The Rulebook.
Chris, we're using the updated, more inclusive player's handbook.
Yeah, Chris, it's exclusive.
It's inclusive.
So I said, exclusive.
Oh, okay.
I mean, we never excluded anyone when he played back in the day, did we?
Not now, Chris.
I'm explaining how inclusive the game is.
Yeah, Chris.
It's explaining.
Now, let us all introduce our characters.
I am Willis the Dungeon Master, and I will also be playing the character of Ma'aika Koret, a non-binary level 5 Tiefling bard who is driven to get revenge on an evil sorcerer who attacked their town and killed their parents.
I am Klobbar, the Strong.
And my character's name is also Klobbar, the Strong.
He, him.
And he's driven to revenge.
Because an evil sorcerer attacked his town and killed his parents.
You're just repeating my backstory, Clovbar.
Did you even work on your backstory?
Never mind.
Tiffany and Chris, who are you guys playing?
Trans hathling named Zorbo.
She, her.
I'm Zorbo.
I'm Canny Dodge.
Half-lang Nimbleness.
Pew, pew, pew.
Uh, I just brought my character from back in the day, Steve.
He's a human fighter.
What?
He's a level five.
Has a sword?
Pretty cool.
Nobody plays a basic fighter anymore.
Where'd you even find this guy?
Yeah, Chris.
What a nerd.
Here, give me your character sheet and I'll get him updated for modern audience.
audiences Good as new.
Okay.
My character is a non-binary polyamorous Zeezer dragon thing.
Dragonborn.
Oh, dragonborn.
Yeah.
But I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
In this game, don't we go into dungeons and kill dragons?
Okay, what is that?
What do you- what does she do?
That's our safe sign.
The latest edition of D ⁇ D encourages all players to hold up a safe sign if someone is making them feel uncomfortable.
Okay.
What did I say to make you feel uncomfortable?
Well, I'm uncomfortable with the colonialist implications of occupying a dungeon and literally genociding dragons based on racial stereotypes.
Oh, and in case you didn't know, I'm half dragon.
You mean your character's half dragon?
No.
Okay, but dragons are evil.
And in D ⁇ D, you kill them.
Uh, Chris, the rest of the group is clearly uncomfortable with the direction that you're taking dungeons and dragons.
You mean the direction of going into dungeons and slaying dragons?
That's correct.
Here, you'll also need to fill one of these out.
It's a game expectations form.
You need to fill out all your potential triggers.
For example, we're all triggered by racists, such as people that are racist against dragons.
But I also have my own personal triggers, such as white supremacy, cis heteronormativity, economic arrangements that could be considered capitalistic.
So we put those things on the form so the dungeon master knows what to avoid.
It also tells players what potentially sensitive elements might come up in the scenarios, like for instance depictions of fascism or NPCs with bigoted belief systems or maybe even sexuality and nudity.
Sex and nudity.
Bigots, look, I just want to delve into dungeons and slay some dragons.
Are you sure this is D ⁇ D?
Totally!
The latest rules updates really improve the game to make it more inclusive and sensitive to all players.
Is that a beholder?
Why is this so cute and friendly?
Oh, beholders are cute and friendly now.
Look, whatever.
I'll fill the forms out.
Okay.
Sensitivity forms are all filled out.
I won't be triggering anybody anymore.
My fighter is a non-binary dragon-born dude.
I mean, they.
Let's get into the fight.
What now?
Well, we don't, we don't fight, per se, that...
Then what do you even do in this game?
In this adventure, we are part of a group called the Resistance that is fighting back against an evil wizard named Fronald Frump, who has just been elected dictator of Waterdeep.
Ah, dictator.
Chris, go ahead and roll a charisma check to see if you can convince anybody to vote with your protest sign.
20.
You convince several onlookers and you register seven new voters for the cause.
It's fun.
Claude Barth Strong takes a knee for racial justice.
Okay, go ahead and roll an advocacy check.
That's a one.
Is that good?
Look, do you guys want to play Catan instead?
It's a simple, non-offensive game where we can all be colonial settlers on Earth.
Wow, that looks like a funny thing.
That was exciting.
Yeah.
Where was my invite?
I wasn't there.
Oh, you didn't get.
I think you did.
I really.
I love playing Dungeons.
I sent it to your Juno.
My Juno email?
Email address?
Did you?
You were actually.
I haven't used that in 20 years.
We tried.
You were in Oklahoma.
That's true.
Oh, the musical.
You were watching Oklahoma, the musical.
Yeah.
The only problem I have with all this is that this week everybody's been posting all the scantily clad drawn girls on X because of it.
It's like all the old fantasy art.
Yeah, there's this weird thing where like free speech people and conservatives kind of end up overlapping.
And a lot of people who are conservative aren't really conservative.
They just want to go back 40 years.
Yeah, it's the 80s.
I want babes on my calendar.
Stacks of Playboys.
Yeah, or it's like the secular right.
They're instead of religious conservatives.
They're like, ah, I want to go back to, like you said, babes and those restaurants named after owls.
This is C.S. Lewis about how the devil introduces errors in equal and opposite ways.
That's actually a really no more conservative swimsuit editions, please.
Yes, exactly.
No, thank you.
No tanky.
Whereas I'm like, you know, maybe the covering up women part is good.
That part's good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is good.
Maybe a hijab is too far.
Yeah.
But now some players.
I've been going so far as to be like, hey, Dungeons and Dragons, you know what it needs?
Wheelchairs.
It's like, okay.
Yeah.
Some of the art in the new book is just so bad.
And I don't even mean that from a perspective of, oh, it's diverse or something like that.
It's just DD used to have this very like dangerous and deadly and chaotic feel to the world.
Like anything could happen.
I'll go out and, oh, you know, there's this high crazy lich and, you know, there's this thing and that thing out there.
It's very scary.
There's some great art in the original book where like there's these scared dungeon crawlers and there's like a spy giant spider hiding in the darkness right behind him.
And I'm like, dude, this is amazing.
And you look at the art now and there's like a guy in a wheelchair wheeling his way into the dungeon.
There's these happy orcs that look like Mexicans for some reason now.
You know, it's just, it's, that is not the world I want to play.
And you've clearly taken very specific things about our current culture and just plopped them into this old fancy.
It's no longer fancy.
It's no longer.
Yeah, it's not escapism anymore, which is what it was designed to be.
And as the Babylon B reported, Dungeons and Dragons has introduced a new 100-sided die for determining your character's gender.
Convenient.
My favorite is Tatertop.
Tater Top is a nice gender.
And so we, Travis.
Travis shared this and said convenient, and we had some hate mail.
You used to be good.
Adam Ford.
Adam Ford.
Fatim Ford.
Fatim Ford.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Travis shared this and said convenient, and we had some hate mail as a reply to this.
Yoshi fan33, who you can find on Blue Sky, said you have to do a voice.
No, like a not a Yoshi voice, like a nerd voice or something.
Okay, you do know D100s already exist, right?
Like, not even just D10 percentile dice.
There are actually already 100-sided dice for role-playing games.
That's your best voice you've ever done.
And then Kyle Johnson says, Yes, but this one has genders, not numbers.
Then it's not a D ⁇ D standard die.
Any actual TTRPG player would know that a role for gender mechanic would use standard percentile dice with a corresponding results table printed in a rulebook.
Wow.
And then someone responds with the gif of Superman.
He's like, you missed the joke going over his head.
Yeah.
Yeah, there it is.
There is no joke here.
Such a die would never be manufactured as a WOTC branded piece of equipment beyond maybe a promotional event of some kind.
Dude.
He just kept double downing.
That guy is obviously on this.
There's more than that.
There was more than that.
There was more.
He just kept going and going.
It was amazing.
Well, if you want Elon to buy Wizards of the Coast, go on X right now and reply to Elon and say bye.
Just say bye.
Yeah, text bye to 999.
If he gets 100 replies, he'll do it.
I don't know.
That's how he works.
That's how it works.
Well, guys, we have a little bit of a shorter episode today.
So thank you for joining us.
We're going to move into our subscriber lounge now.