Remember When Star Wars Was Good? | The Babylon Bee Podcast
The Babylon Bee remembers when Star Wars was good. Kyle, Brandon, and Dan talk about some of their favorite things about Star Wars from when it used to be good, the latest Bee sketch about how video games are made in 2024, and Red Lobster celebrities! This episode is brought to you by: My Patriot Supply. Get $50 Off 4-Week Emergency Food Kits: http://preparewithbee.com Christian Community Credit Union. A financial institution where you can bank with your Christian values: https://www.mycccu.com/bee/ There's more of the show for The Babylon Bee subscribers. Use promocode 'PODCAST': http://babylonbee.com/plans
Hey everyone and welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast, the only podcast that covers the news.
I'm Kyle Mann, the editor-in-chief of the Babylon Bee, and I'm hanging out with producer Dan today.
Hey.
And we're also hanging out with Brandon.
Hello.
With no title.
None.
Video something.
And we're hanging out today, and we're covering the news as usual, except not too much.
The only big news right now is the debate, and then the Supreme Court ruled that Trump can do whatever he wants.
Oh, is that what they ruled?
With impunity.
With absolute immunity.
He is the Senate.
Yes.
That's what they ruled.
Was it Sodomayor's rebuttal where she was like, immune, immune, immune, immune?
She kept typing it over and over again.
Did you see that?
I didn't.
She was like, Trump assassinates somebody.
Trump does this.
Trump does this.
She's like, immune, immune, immune, immune.
You are so crazy.
It's wild.
What kind of things would you do with immunity?
Like, you could just, you could go into a buffet and just take whatever you want.
That's the first thing you would do if you were granted universal immunity.
Absolute immunity.
Walk into a buffet and just take whatever.
I guess you can do that anyway at a buffet.
Only if it's in his official capacity as president, right?
So you just have to say, I'm doing this as president.
As long as it's an official act.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I understand where it's coming from, though, because it's like you don't really want a society where a president makes a decision, say like, oh, we're going to do this.
We're going to make this alliance with this nation or that nation or whatever.
And then someone come along years later and say, oh, that caused this many deaths.
Therefore, we're prosecuting you for murder.
You know, it's like, well, then the government could never make decisions about anything.
That doesn't sound too bad.
Well, as long as we did it equally.
That's what I've always said.
Correct.
If we just prosecuted all politicians, if they're all in jail, then I'm happy.
That's what I would pass with immunity.
All politicians go to jail immediately.
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Did you guys watch the debate?
Oh, I loved it.
Every second of it.
It was great.
I saw clips.
I was busy last week.
Yeah.
This was like an event for me and my friend.
We went out to a restaurant.
We got some steak.
And then we were sitting in his car and we were just watching the debate.
In the car.
Yeah, it was an event.
It was awesome.
I like to imagine you had your steaks in the car as well and you're just eating them like burgers.
Hey, do you want to get some steaks and watch the debate in the car?
Sure, man.
But it's odd to me how the media is playing it up where they're like, wow, we had no idea that he is a dementia patient.
Like they've been lying to everybody for years and covering it up.
And now they're acting like, oh, wow, we didn't know this.
I feel like they believe it or.
I feel like that happens with so many things that conservatives are spouting.
It's always conspiracy theories up until the point where they decide that they want to adopt that as their own narrative.
But so many things we've been saying for decades, and it's just once the left comes around to it, then it's their idea.
I've only seen clips as well, but I was surprised at how well, how composed Trump was.
The debate four years ago, we wrote an article that was like broadcast mistake accidentally picks up a nursing home video of two old guys yelling at each other.
You know, because that was like we expected Biden to fall on his face four years ago at the debate.
And it was like, oh, that.
They both just kind of yelled at each other.
I think even at the time, I was thinking he's just going to bulldoze Biden.
He's not going to have a chance because he is so aggressive and he is so sharp on his toes that he's just going to bulldoze Biden.
And, well, it turns out he did and people didn't like seeing that.
So I think his advisors took that.
Yeah, they just said, just be calm.
Just measured it.
The rules of the debate that were set by the Biden team helped out Trump a lot because it was like, we are going to mute the mics whenever it's not your turn to speak.
And so I think that in Trump's head, I think he's like, oh, okay, I'll just let this guy talk.
And that was like the best, that was the best thing he could have done is just let Biden keep talking.
Ironic.
I've only seen the highlights, but that was one of the best moments was when he just let Joe talk.
And then I think Jake Tapper asked, did you want to respond to that?
And Trump replied, I'm not even sure what he said at the end there.
And quite frankly, I'm not sure he understood what he said.
There was a point where Joe Biden blurted out.
He was like, we beat Medicare.
And everyone's like, what?
And then Trump responded.
He was like, yeah, he beat it.
He beat it to death.
Oh, my gosh.
It was great.
We deserve this, America.
Two 80-year-olds fighting for the presidency.
The best part about the debate, though, was when they started arguing about golf.
Because that's when Trump really got animated.
Biden says, oh, I got a six handicap in golf.
And Trump was like, no way.
That's the biggest lie.
I've seen your swing.
There's no way that you have a handicap of six.
So now the next debate's going to be at Top Golf.
That's what I read on the B. That's it around the Batman B as well.
Top golf is fun.
So let's stop talking about all the terrible things in the world and all the things that we hate.
Let's stay positive.
So positive.
A few, today we're going to do a few of our favorite Star Wars things.
Now, everybody likes to hate the acolyte.
I haven't actually watched it yet.
Nor I.
I saw some dumb clips floating around, but, you know, give it a chance sometime, maybe.
I don't know.
You say yet.
So you're planning on watching it?
No, I'm not.
I mean, if somebody was like, I really want to watch this, I don't know who that would be because nobody in my house is big fan of Star Wars.
My wife doesn't like Star Wars.
So I don't know.
Maybe someday.
I won't say never, but I just have no desire to.
Yeah.
I haven't even watched Andor, which people liked.
I didn't watch Mando Season 3.
I watched the first episode of Obi-Wan.
So I'm kind of burned out on Star Wars.
Kind of checked out on the whole thing.
I'm checked out.
I'm not checked out on Star Wars.
Star Wars doesn't exist any longer.
So I love Star Wars when the few little moments trickle out that are still Star Wars.
But it's just, it's all fanfic now.
Like, yeah, I mean, Revenge of the Sith, the back of the box says the saga is now complete.
That's canon.
The saga is complete.
Everything else in the box, Canon.
Correct.
Yeah.
Okay.
According to George Livius.
Well, you know, everybody's so negative and there's all these hate videos on YouTube about how terrible the acolyte is.
It's a symbiotic relationship.
But we wanted to bring some love into the world with a Star Wars love-a-thon.
Here are a few of our favorite Star Wars things.
My first is Kyle Katarn.
He is from the Jedi Knight series.
What was the first one?
It was Dark Forces.
Dark Forces, and then it was Dark Forces 2, Jedi Knight, and then it was Jedi Knight 2 Jedi Outcast.
A Dark Forces saga story.
Yes.
It's a Star Wars, a Dark Forces saga story.
And honestly, I like Kyle Katarn because he was kind of like, he had this on again, off-again relationship with the Force.
And his name is Kyle.
And as a kid, I was like, dude, his name is my name.
I had representations.
You are that guy.
Representation matters.
You saw yourself.
Kyle representation.
I saw myself in him, and he flew this cool ship, you know, and I forget the name of the ship.
Is it the Moldy Crow or something?
Yeah, yeah.
I think it is the Moldy Crow.
That's a cool name for a ship.
Jan Orrs was his co-pilot.
They flew around and investigated Imperial goings on.
And then eventually it becomes a Jedi Knight.
Kyle Katarn.
In fact, when I started playing the Star Wars X-Wing miniatures game, that was like the first ship I bought.
Because I was like, dude, it's on the table.
It's there.
There it is in real life.
Just the whole, that whole era of 1990s Star Wars video games.
I put on here the X-Wing TIE Fighter games and Dark Forces.
Because you got to think, Return of the Jedi came out in 1983.
Yes.
And we were all growing up in the 90s, and there was no new Star Wars.
There was no, like, like now it's like a movie every year.
Right.
And you have like this fatigue, this burnout, like, oh man, it's another Star Wars movie or another TV show.
There's like five TV shows now.
Back in the 90s, all you had growing up were like comic books.
You know, what else did you have?
There was comic books.
There were the EU novels.
There's novels.
You could read the books, the extended universe, and then the video games would come out.
And your dreams.
And they were just your dreams.
And so I think as a kid growing up, your imagination, that's where Star Wars lived.
I like this.
Your imagination, you brought so much to it of what it would be like to live in that universe.
And when you're playing these games, it's like, oh, man, I'm an X-Wing pilot and I'm in this universe.
I've said this multiple times on the podcast, I believe.
But one of my favorite games, I don't even remember what it was.
I just remember the intro of the game.
And the intro was like, they were teaching you how to fly your ship and you just had to like transport some cargo.
And for that brief 15-minute intro, I was like, I'm just living in this universe.
And then I was attacked by the Empire.
And I was like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm a hero.
But I just wanted to be like a little cog in the ultimate grand scheme of things.
It was always like that for us, too.
Whenever we played Pretend, we were like, you know, just truckers, you know, space truckers driving around.
And that was a funny thing too about Star Wars Galaxies, that MMORPG that came out is it let you just be like a shopkeeper.
And so people were spending like thousands of hours like, I just play this weird space instrument at the space bar.
And that's like all they do the whole time.
And that's what we wanted, you know?
We wanted to just live in the world.
That's such a good point, though, that Star Wars lived in the imagination.
And I wonder how much of that contributes to us not liking the new stuff as much.
Like it's filling in the gaps we didn't want filled in.
There's something to that, I think.
Well, what's your first favorite Star Wars thing?
Well, I didn't go strictly by favorite.
I just wanted interesting.
I wanted to point some lights at some things that I like.
And the first one on my list is Heir to the Empire, the full trilogy by Timothy Zahn.
It introduced a lot of interesting concepts.
Of course, none of it's canon anymore.
That's the one with the blue guy, right?
The one with the blue guy.
That's his name.
I believe Blue Guy.
Absolutely.
That's true.
Thrawn.
Thrawn.
It was also, I believe, the introduction to Mara Jade.
Oh, yeah.
Who got more interesting over time?
But, I mean, yeah, Air to the Empire.
It was a solid, solid trilogy.
Yeah, it's on my nightstand, and I keep meaning to go give it a reread.
It's not like in a glass case or anything.
It's just I rebought it on eBay and it's been sitting on my shirt.
So I've been meaning to reread it.
All right, my next one is Knights of the Old Republic, classic BioWare RPG.
I don't have that on my list.
Oh, well, okay.
Great twist in the middle, spoilers.
And just that was another one that just felt like you're just visiting all these random Star Wars planets.
I've heard it said that it's, you know, I've heard Star Wars criticized for the fact that you always meet the main cast, no matter where you are in the Star Wars universe.
Like we were playing that Star Wars board game, Outer Rim, and you're on some backwater planet, and it's like, oh, Luke Skywalker's here.
It's like, it makes the galaxy feel very small.
But I liked Knights of the Old Republic because there were this whole new cast of characters and these little parts of planets you hadn't seen before and all that stuff.
And sometimes I think there were parts of planets you hadn't seen before, but you'd heard about before.
Yeah.
Like Dan Twin.
I believe Dan Tween was only ever mentioned, but you actually get to go to Dan Twin.
And that's part of what Dan was saying, like these things that were mentioned one time in the movies, in our minds, it was like this world of possibilities.
Like there's a meme about it, but like the Clone Wars.
Yeah.
Like as a kid, you're like, the what?
I fought with your father in the Clone Wars, and you're just like, what's the Clone Wars?
What is this?
And you know, George Lucas was just like in the, I don't know, the Clone Wars.
Like, he had no idea what he was writing, and he just made this massive universe.
Well, we're just kind of doing like a hodgepodge of thing.
I'll just go ahead and throw out The Empire Strikes Back.
That is just a solid, probably the best Star Wars movie of all time.
Deep cut.
Deep cut.
Yeah.
I'm going to go out on a limb here.
Wait, wait, wait.
The Empire Strikes Back Lunchbox is what I was going to say.
Yeah.
But just that movie to me, when I was a kid, I had the VHS tapes, and I think I played that over a hundred times of just something about being on that Ice Planet Hoth.
Yeah.
The big giant walkers walking down and blowing stuff up.
And like, I was there.
I was sold.
You had a very trumpy cadence when you said that.
It was perfect.
Perfect.
Beautiful.
Ice Planet.
Beautiful Ice Planet.
Those of you who listen regularly, you know that Jordan at the office, he often mispronounces things.
One of my favorite things that he said was regarding tauntons, he referred to them as Banties.
He's like, oh, remember when Luke cuts open the Banti?
Is he mixed up?
Banta?
Like maybe Banta.
I think he was thinking Banta.
Yeah.
But he said Banti.
And I was like, that's nowhere.
That's awesome.
That's nowhere close to Taunton.
I need to give Empire a rewatch because in my mind, it was never as good as the other ones, which I know is sacrilege.
You really like the third one.
I really like the third one.
I know people hate it.
But as a kid, it was like the weird, like, now all of a sudden there's a 40-minute thing where he's on this random planet with Yoda.
And it's like, what's going on?
I like the Yoda stuff, but I agree that as a child, Empire ranked low.
I think of the three original movies, of the three original movies, I think it has the most character development.
Yeah, the most craziest reveal.
But the funny thing is, I don't remember that reveal.
Like, it's just part of my subconscious.
Yeah.
It's part of my memory.
Finding it out.
Yeah.
There's no existence of me before knowing that reveal.
Actually, my first Star Wars memory is being at someone's house, and we were like four or five, I was like four or five years old, and seeing Luke pull the lightsaber out of the ice with the Force.
Yes.
And just being like, what the heck is this thing?
Like, that was a good thing.
When you guys were growing up, did you try to force pull and force pressure?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
I would pray.
I would pray to God and say, please give me the.
I'm not joking.
I would do this.
Please, Lord, just give me the Force for like 30 seconds.
Just 30 seconds.
Reading Matilda didn't help.
Like, Matilda with her telekinetic power.
I thought about that regularly as a child.
But yeah, Return of the Jedi had the most action in it.
So, I mean, naturally, children are going to gravitate towards that.
love the way it has the like the triple climax at the end with like planet lightsaber duel and the and the spaceship battle yep that's all what's your next movies we're better oh yeah um my next one is shadows of the empire for nintendo 64.
i thought dan was going to put the book so i i did the n64 one instead um i remember the game much more than the book honestly i mean both great both great but i have so many memories of playing shadows of the empire and they had so many fantastic cheat codes you could play as a a sandwampa if you wanted to not very not very useful for the game ultimately but it was fun could you play as a bante you could play as a bante I remember that the game plays Ig88 as well.
Yeah, I remember that there was like an assassin level on a train or something.
I have glimpses of it in my head.
Very good, and it was.
It had a jetpack, I believe as well.
Yeah, and games with jetpacks are just just better.
Honestly, they're better.
Yeah, I don't.
I wonder if that was actually a good game if you go back and play it.
A lot of the games that we played that we loved probably yeah no, but some of them stand up.
I wonder if that one does.
I think the controls are probably a little clunkier than than we remember.
But in terms of like, like this is a world-building thing.
Like you get into shadows and exploration yeah yeah, and it's like, it's like we're on the same setting.
Okay, we're on Hoth, but then you immediately go elsewhere and you're exploring other parts of the galaxy that you didn't see in the movies and it's, it's fantastic.
That was a that was part of a whole, like multimedia initiative, wasn't it?
Like Shadows Of The Empire wasn't a game based on a book.
It was like they said, we are launching this whole new thing called Shadows Of The Empire and they came out with like a comic book and a novel and a game and it was all intertwined and the game showed you parts that weren't in the book and like that was a crazy thing.
I think that came out one year before they went and did the special editions.
Oh yeah, must have been all the old movies, so I think they were.
They were trying to renovate everything again.
Yeah, give it some new life.
Yeah well, my next one is um the Glove Of Darth Vader.
The Glove, it was a novel and um, it was written for a younger crowd.
It was like young, like preteen type thing, but it was, you know, considered canon in the sense that the Eu was canon and it had.
Uh, let me, i'm gonna read the summary, Trioculus, the three-eyed son of the emperor.
Except he's not really the emperor's son, he's just a random guy that has an extra eye on his forehead.
The real son of the emperor is then revealed, who has a third eye on the back of his head.
I like it better than Rise Of Skywalker and I remember thinking it was the coolest thing.
So the glove of Darth Vader, check it out.
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I'm going to give the sequel trilogy just a little bit of love.
Okay.
Because we're being positive, right?
We're not saying no.
Not like many things.
We're loving Star Wars.
It's the Star Wars love-a-thon.
I am going to give them props for the lightsaber fight between Finn Ray and Kylo Wren in The Force Awakens.
There is so much energy and gravitas.
There's gravitas.
You have two characters that obviously don't know what they're doing, and they're just making these wild swings.
But a lot of Star Wars lightsaber battles and a lot of fan fiction gets it wrong because they just started making swings like above the head.
Like they're just trying to hit lightsaber to lightsaber.
But in that scene, you can tell like the way that they're their way that they're acting, the way that they've choreographed this is that they're making blows to the head.
They're trying to go in for the kill.
Kylo Ren's lightsaber is really cool because it's got that cross guard on it.
And so it just, to me, it just seems like that's like if you were, if this was going to be like a real thing where lightsabers are real and you're having a sword fight, I feel like that's kind of what it would be like.
Because I think the prequels kind of got it wrong a little bit because everything's just twirling around and spinning.
And there's a lot of moments where like he could die right there.
He just put his back to them.
It just seems like kind of like it's for show.
It's for show and it probably looks cool on screen because there's a lot of movement.
But like in the Force Awakens, I feel like they got it right.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, I remember every blow of that lightsaber in Force Awakens felt like heavy, you know, boom, boom.
And then don't they slide up to the cross guard or something?
I remember when the trailer first dropped for Force Awakens and internet folk were commenting as internet folk do about how useless a cross guard is on a lightsaber because the lightsaber blade could sliced through it.
And at the time, this was before Mandalorian, I was thinking to them, you guys don't know what Best Guard is.
And also, I was thinking of other ways that you could actually utilize it in a fight.
You could turn them off and in the middle of a parry, you can extend it possibly.
Or I don't know.
I just thought of.
You're the meme of the guy standing in the corner at the party.
They don't even know what Best Guard is.
All right.
My number three is Knights of the Old Republic.
So that's been said already.
Did you play the second one?
I did.
It was not good.
I didn't get very far into it.
It was not good, but I played it twice.
It was terrible.
Yeah, the first game was so revolutionary in the sense where I believe it was one of the first games that attempted a combination of real-time and turn-based.
Yeah.
Did it execute it perfectly?
No, but it was interesting.
And I applaud them for the effort.
And I still enjoy the gameplay.
I've purchased that game probably more times than I've purchased any other game on multiple compact disk sets and digital platforms.
So they deserve my money.
Yeah.
It's a great game.
And I'm planning on purchasing it again when it is remastered.
But we'll see what happens there.
So you're saying I should probably try this game.
You should play Knights of the Old Republic.
It's actually probably on sale right now in the Steam sale.
It's probably like three bucks.
Okay.
So that's definitely worth it.
Cool.
My next one is The Lady Luck, which I believe is Lanto Calrissian ship.
And I had the micro machine for it.
It was cool.
See, that was one of those things.
Was like this like pleasure yacht kind of thing.
And the whole idea that, like, the whole idea that in the Star Wars universe, there's like a yacht.
You know, it's not used for combat.
It's just like, yeah, this is my gambling yacht.
You know, like Yabba's barge.
Yeah, exactly.
It was that Yabba.
When I say Yabba, you could say Jabba's barge.
He has a stutter and a cold.
Yeah.
But yeah.
And dimension.
I also like Dash Rundar's ship had that weird thing sticking off the side.
And the blady luck.
I have a core memory of the micromachine.
Yeah.
So one thing I really like about Star Wars, obviously, is the ships, like you're saying.
I think it'd be hard for me to pick one ship, but I really like, like in the first movie that they ever made, the whole attack on the Death Star with the trench run.
And to me, it really feels like evocative of World War II movies, of like launching the planes from the carrier, and then you've got other planes coming to intercept, and they're trying to get to this target.
So just the whole, the whole kind of dogfight feel of ties and X-Wings.
I think that I just love that vibe in Star Wars.
It's such a cool thing.
Another show that gets this right is Battlestar Galactica.
Oh, yeah.
I love that whole idea of like, these are just like floating carriers in space and they're just ready to send these planes off to do battle.
Yeah, Star Trek did much more of the like naval, like naval combat, you know.
And these were, this is much more air combat is what it's based on, which I don't know.
Right.
Yeah, Star Trek kind of feels like you just have like two big capital ships that have big guns.
Whereas in Star Wars, it's more like...
The fighters are a big part of it.
Yeah, fighters.
Yeah.
Yeah, total agree.
Yeah, my next item is I forgot.
I just saw it on my list and I the Han Solo trilogy by AC Crispin.
Oh, yeah, I read that one.
Yeah, it was very good.
And it significantly contributed to my hatred of the solo movie.
Because it wiped it all out.
Yeah, it wiped it all out.
And the solo movie was just, the story was not good comparatively.
I remember liking the solo movie, but it was based on the expectation that it was going to be awful.
So it was like, huh.
I didn't hate it.
I don't remember how I went there.
I didn't hate it, but I hated it.
And I think that was the first Star Wars thing that I ever hated.
And that just became a.
Did that come out before or after The Last Jedi?
I think it was between.
I don't hate The Last Jedi.
I'm in the minority.
I understand that, but I don't hate Last Jedi.
There are many things I really like about Last Jedi.
I think it was between Last Jedi and Skywalker.
In the spirit of the Star Wars love-a-thon, what are three things you really love about The Last Jedi?
That fight, the fight in front of Snoke Room, yeah, was amazing.
There are some visual inconsistencies, but it's a beautiful fight scene.
I like, man, you put me on the spot now.
I like a lot of Jedi.
One is good.
One is good.
I liked seeing some new Force Powers.
I know a lot of people were mad.
They were like, oh, Leia is surviving out in space.
That's impossible.
We've never seen it.
You've never seen any Force Powers until they showed them.
Like, come on.
I just thought it was weird that they had a chance to kill her off when the actress was already dead.
And they were like, no, she was coming back.
It was a little odd.
Yeah.
What's one more thing?
Oh, did she die before that movie?
She died before the movie came out.
And I'm like, why didn't they say that?
So there's perfect chance.
Just write her off.
And they're like, no, she floats back.
You're like, what?
That was your one shot at it.
And I'm sure there's a third thing that I could think of, but I can't think of it at the moment.
No worries.
Rose Tico?
You know, I don't hate Rose Tico.
I know that's controversial.
It's three things.
I don't love the, well, I don't love Rose Tico, but like.
Brandon and Rose Tico.
I agree that her end dialogue is not, it's kind of dumb, but ultimately as a character, I didn't mind her.
Oh, I did like a lot of the reversals of the character roles, like Po Dameron just being like a hot-headed guy and turning around, learning how to, he has to be a leader of the resistance, essentially.
I did like a lot of the character subversions.
They did a lot of those, I think, fairly decently.
I just thought there's too many of them.
It was just kind of buried in a lot of the other plot points.
Is that the one where Luke is drinking the blue milk from that weird?
Unfortunately, and throws the lightsaber over the cliff.
Yes.
Because that's how Force Awakened ended.
It was like Luke has his lightsaber back.
We are so back.
And then he's like, eh, that's so over.
I didn't like that character subversion.
Side note, but, and I don't want to talk too much about stuff we hate, but Woody Harrelson was in the solo movie, right?
Yes.
I always think it's weird when Star Wars has celebrities.
Agreed.
I'm like, why is Woody Harrelson and Jack Black and Lizzo and Christopher Lloyd all in the same episode?
Oh, were they all in the same episode?
Even Bill Burr was a little bit like, why is Bill Burr there?
This character's so good.
What's his name?
The dude that showed up with Boba Fett's armor.
What's his name?
Timothy Oliphant?
Was that him?
Yeah, what is his name?
I don't know.
Whatever dude showed up, he was also distracting.
Yeah, I just feel like they should always get...
I guess original Star Wars casted some known actors, though.
Well, with George Lucas, originally, he wanted no names.
He wanted people, like, people have no idea who this person is.
And that's what he went for.
He casted Alec Guinness, right?
Who was pretty well known.
Yeah, that was like the one exception, I think.
It is weird to me when you see an actor in the Star Wars universe.
Okay, I have one more.
Darksaber.
And I don't mean the sword that you saw on The Mandalorian.
I mean the giant super weapon that Durga the Hutt built.
And it was shaped like a lightsaber, and then it would point at planets and shoot a super laser and blow them up.
Yeah, Star Wars has this interesting mix of it's a myth, so you have these mythical things, and then it's also like sci-fi fantasy, so like the technology geek of like, here's these weapons that can destroy a planet.
And you're like, I like that.
I like this.
The Sun Crusher was another one, but I just liked how hokey it was that someone pitched this idea, like it's a giant lightsaber in space and it blows up planets and they went for it.
And I borrowed my friend's Darksaber book and I was sick and I barfed all over it.
Oh, sorry.
When was this in the timeline?
Of my life.
Of Star Wars.
I don't remember.
Most of the EU stuff I read was post-Return of the Jedi, like Imperial Remnant stuff.
Because it's weird because that's basically just the Death Star.
It just shoots a laser at planets.
Essentially, it was just the Death Star.
But it was like this.
But shaped like a lightsaber.
It was like a rogue faction.
Like, Jurga the Hutt was like, I'm now on charge.
And he builds this thing and they fight over it.
Jurga, is he related to Yabba?
Yabba.
Durga was probably related to Yabba.
I thought you said Jurga.
Oh, side note also, but you know what I also like about Star Wars?
Did you guys have the complete guide to vehicles and vessels?
I've had a few.
The yellow one had the full cross sections.
And as a kid, I would pour over those because they would have like, here's where the bathroom is on the.
I'm like, oh my gosh, there's a bathroom on the API.
All the specifications and model numbers of the engines.
Oh, we just love that stuff.
Yeah.
Cross sections of spaceships.
Very handy.
What's your final one?
My final one, probably my ultimate favorite thing about Star Wars is the redemption arc of Anakin Skywalker and his son who pursues him to save his dad.
That is like my number one favorite thing about Star Wars is that ultimately it's a story about a father and a son.
And the son goes to great lengths to bring his father back.
And that is just such a beautiful, it's the hero's tale, the hero's journey that George Lucas wrote.
And it is the single best thing about Star Wars because back then they actually told a story about this is a human story.
It's about a father and a son.
And they didn't inject a bunch of politics in it.
And it is just like, this is a story about redemption and how someone who went to the dark side and they can come back.
And you know it's his true son because at the end, a third eye opens up in the back of his head.
That's the final shot of the film.
But just think about it.
Like Anakin Skywalker, he's the biggest bad guy in Star Wars and he can come back.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
All right, what's your final one?
This is not my favorite thing.
I just wanted to put something out there that might be a little less expected.
I'm going to go for Ahsoka, the show.
Okay.
And the reason I say this is because, well, my expectations were extremely low.
And then I watched it and I was like, this is the most Star Wars thing I've seen in a long time in many years.
It wasn't perfect.
No.
Were there flaws?
Absolutely.
But it captured the feel of Star Wars much better than almost all of the new shows and movies.
So for that, I think it actually did a very good job at delivering something that was not overly woke, but also enjoyable.
Like, you know, just give us enjoyable.
We'll settle for just enjoyable at this point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We'll settle for mildly entertaining.
Well, it's fantastic.
What's your favorite thing about Star Wars?
Let us know in the comments.
Hey, we got an inside scoop on how video games are made in 2024.
Ooh, we don't shoot sketches anymore.
We just hack into people's security camera feeds and just rip them and post them on our YouTube channel.
I don't know if it's legal, but that's what we do.
So if you want to see it, stick around.
Till right now.
I can't believe we've got jobs doing this.
I know.
And my mom said I would never get anywhere with these games.
Is that the latest build?
Yeah, we're really proud of it.
The art is finalized.
Jumpy the hamster can even pick up treasures now as he embarks on an epic quest to save the royal family of Hamerlon from an evil dark wizard.
And as you can see, Jumpy runs, jumps, collects stuff, and beats bad guys.
Simple family fun.
Guys, it's perfect.
Oh, there you are.
Gentlemen, meet our new DEI consultant.
She's here to fix your game.
But I thought he said it was perfect.
No, that's just an expression.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Leslie Perkins, she, her, and I am here to make sure your game is as diverse and culturally sensitive as possible.
I guess that doesn't sound too bad.
Ultra Jump Hamster Legend is incredible.
I love the way your guy, you know, he just jumps everything.
But there is just one tiny little thing.
Can we make him not jump?
I was wrong.
He has to jump.
The game is called Ultra Jump Hamster Legend because of the jumping.
Well, jumping is ableist.
Okay, so what if someone out there can't jump?
They're playing the game and they're thinking, this hamster can jump and I can't.
Okay?
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
I like playing Pac-Man even though I don't take a bunch of pills all the time.
Okay, bad example.
But my point stands.
Okay, next, instead of a hamster, let's make him a strong woman of ambiguous ethnic background.
That's like an instant positive review in Kotaku.
Yes.
Wait, Kotaku is still in business?
But again, it's called Ultra Jump Hamster Legend.
Guys, look, just remember, this is going to help our game reach a wider audience.
No, it won't.
But it will make us feel like we're good people.
It will make us feel like good people.
Okay, next, I noticed that Jumpy collects treasure.
That's a bit of fairy party.
This seems to promote the colonialist appropriation of artifacts from indigenous cultures.
I mean, the treasures are just golden slices of cheese.
What if your players are lactose intolerant?
Well, you don't eat the cheese in real life.
He just walks over it and it says cheesecake.
Bottom line, the treasures are gone.
Never should have left Sonic Team.
Let's move on to the game's plot.
I thought it was cute how you get your little jumpy to run through the levels to the Wizard's Tower, but I couldn't help but notice that this game doesn't have any commentary on the plight of the trans immigrant community.
Again, it's called Ultra Jump Hamster Legend because he's a hamster.
Okay, was a hamster.
Now he is a strong woman fighting for representation in the trans immigrant community.
Okay, hold on.
Wait.
I'm just spitballing here.
But should we change it to a commentary on climate change?
Well, we could make the climate change like a season pass where you could pay for $59.99.
Also, there's no gay stuff in the game.
Well, it's for kids, so.
Yeah, hence the gay stuff.
All of these changes totally break gameplay.
Gameplay.
You see what I have to work with here?
Can you believe this guy?
I know this guy.
This guy!
You are a guy, right?
I mean, you know what?
I should have asked.
I'll report myself to HR.
Oh, that was great.
It was.
Written by Travis, I might add.
Yeah, I think this might be the first sketch Travis wrote in full.
It was good.
Yeah.
Good job, Travis.
All right, now it's time for Red Lobster Facts.
Red Lobster has celebrity connections.
Some famous celebrities have worked at the Red Seabug.
Have you ever heard of a comedian named Chris Rock of Will Smith Slap fame?
How about Nikki Minaj?
The internet tells us she is someone who is famous for some reason also.
Minaj later joked about being fired from all three of four of the Red Lobsters where she worked over Lobsterita drinks and Cheddar Bay Biscuits with Jimmy Fallon.
Speaking of Cheddar Bay Biscuits, Beyoncé's saying about taking a romantic partner to Red Lobster in her 2016 song, Formation.
Wow.
All right, that concludes Red Lobster Facts.
Now it's time for Red Lobster Mail.
Would you like to read the Red Lobster Mail Dan?
Sure.
We got an email from Superfan Jackson Baker, who we met at Be Live.
I think we played some board games with him at Be Live.
He says, Dan and team, oh, he wrote it to me.
My favorite Red Lobster memory is discovering the Red Lobster in Fort Smith.
It's the best location of them all.
And I have many memories of cutting through their perfectly placed parking lot to get to Raising Canes.
So I don't have to drive on the main overcrowded road.
See map of my route below.
And I guess that's he just cuts right through and then there's Raising Canes.
I really hope it gets replaced with a Sizzler once it closes.
Jackson Baker, Philippians 2, 5 through 11.
Is that related?
Is that verse related to Red Lobster?
Or that's just his normal sign-off.
I like to think that it's just purely to the topic.
Like, this made me think of Philippians too.
All right, everyone.
Well, thanks for joining us on the podcast today.
Let us know what you like about Star Wars in the comments.
And subscribers, we have an extra few minutes, a little something special for you.
If you're not a subscriber, go to babylonbee.com/slash plans and subscribe today.
You can see the rest of the podcast where we get really intimate.
Go to babylonbee.com/slash plans and use promo code podcasts for 20% off an annual membership.
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