The Babylon Bee Celebrates Fatherhood and Indiana Jones
It's Father's Day and the Babylon Bee guys, Kyle, Adam, Jarret, and Travis, talk about dad stuff! Stories, memories, gift ideas, and more! It's the perfect time to talk about the favorite movie trilogy of dads everywhere: Indiana Jones. This episode is brought to you by our wonderful sponsors who you should absolutely check out: Allegiance Gold: http://protectwithbee.com Samaritan Ministries: http://SamaritanMinistries.org/thebabylonbee My Patriot Supply: http://preparewithbee.com In the full-length ad-free podcast, Subscribers remembered their dads too, so The Bee reads their dad comments and their headline pitches too! To get the full podcast, use promo code 'PODCAST' at: http://babylonbee.com/plans
Joe and Hunter Biden are allegedly being blackmailed by a Ukrainian company, and now we're giving Ukraine tons of money.
What a coincidence.
All this and Morrow Bay.
The Babylon Bee's Father's Day special.
Love it.
Morro Bay?
Like the...
Great place where you see sea otters.
Like sea otters.
Like this...
All this and sea otters.
Yeah.
All this and John Steinbeck.
Now you're getting it.
I really want to know how your mind works, Trevis.
All this and the grapes of wrath.
All this and Mormons.
Mormons?
I think we've done Mormons before, haven't we?
We've done Mormons.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did Mormons.
We should do that whenever we have a Mormon on.
Yeah.
Kyle, you have space sunglasses.
Tell us about those space.
Space sunglasses.
Yeah, space.
They're kind of hippie.
Hip, not hippie.
Hipster.
Not really hipster.
They're just like.
You were just trying to use the word hip as an adjective.
Yeah, just hip people haven't done in years.
People don't say hip anymore.
I know that people say things are hip anymore.
They're the same ones that you wear if you say like, do you even, do you even surf, bro?
It's very dude, bro, looking.
Do you even exegete, bro?
They're blunders.
It's a San Diego sunglass company.
One of my friends made it.
You can use code B for 10% off.
Oh, that's where this is all leading.
It's good.
That code will not work.
As far as we know.
Wait, so no?
I thought that was a real endorsement.
No, it's not.
Oh, you tricked even me.
But you can get 20% off.
I don't think they would associate with it.
I think they make like pride sunglasses and stuff.
Are you wearing woke sunglasses in here?
I am.
That's why we're making an alternative.
Base sunglasses.
Jeremy's.
Not Jeremy.
Seth's suggestion.
His name is Kyle.
Kyle.
We should make our stuff, but it's like Seth's Jeremy's sunglasses.
Like Ruth.
Or just Chris Steakhouse.
Or just spelled it.
Like our own non-woke company, but it's still Jeremy's.
We run it as a headline, but I liked your pitch about Jeremy boring, creating like Jeremy's tuck-friendly snippets.
A non-woke line of tuck-friendly swimsuits.
Jeremy's tuck-friendly.
These are base trans friends.
Tuck-friendly diapers.
Yeah.
I don't really buy into the like, you have to buy the conservative version of everything.
Unless it's the Babylon B. Buy our stuff.
But I'm not really a big fan of that.
I mean, obviously, like, I'll boycott a company if they're actively doing something wrong.
I don't, as much as I disagree with it, I don't boycott a company if it's just that that company gives money to causes that I disagree with.
I'll also boycott a company if they don't have anything good that I like.
Yeah.
If I just convenient, you know, because like I didn't drink Bud Light much in the first place.
I was more of a Walmart person than a Target person.
So if it's already easy, I'm like, yeah, I would say that's cut out the few times that I when I met you, I thought this guy's more of a Walmart person.
I exude Walmart.
Yeah.
Except my weight.
I'm not as large as some Walmart.
The level of roping that you have.
Yeah.
Your clothing.
Yeah.
If someone's topless, they're either at Walmart or they're on the White House lawn.
That's true.
If there's a topless dude.
Oh, topless.
Usually with dudes, you don't call it topless, do you?
Well, you do if they think they're trans.
Oh, if it's a trans, you'd say topless.
Yeah.
You didn't see this on the White House lawn.
Or if they don't have tops.
I haven't been to the White Blue.
There's a topless trans person on the White House lawn this week.
Oh, a topless trend.
At the Pride event.
Okay.
So this was, okay.
This is a reference.
This is a man as a woman.
I think it was a man with fake boobs.
It was a man that had fake boobs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it looked like a woman, like he was all trans.
He was all Biden earlier in the day, I think.
Yeah, he was like armed around with Biden, and then he ran around topless on the White House.
Man, if I were a trans dude, I'd get three.
I would just get three.
Remember, like, total recall.
Because you can.
And they'd have to celebrate it.
And then they'd add that as another gender.
We'd be up to 458 or whatever.
We're up to the tri-boob.
Yeah.
I identify as a non-binary tri-boob.
That's right.
Debi-sexual.
Well, let's shift the topic to men that don't have boobs.
It's Father's Day weekend.
Some men have moves.
Some men have moves.
Did you guys see the comments about my Satan's guess?
It was hurtful.
I think you mentioned it on the last podcast.
Like, I think you've been talking about it.
It seems to be weighing heavy on you.
Deeply wounded.
And it's gone.
I've stopped eating since then.
It wasn't your fault.
It was framed weird with the cloak and stuff.
I agree, man.
It did kind of look like boobs.
I just do think, I think Satan next time is going to be like, I heard you.
I've heard you.
I've fixed the problem.
I'm doing P90X now.
Tony Horton's down here finally.
Next time, don't comment on it.
You're just wearing a sports bra next time.
But we're going to look at some stories from subscribers about their dads.
We'll talk about Fatherhood.
It's a Father's Day especial.
Especially.
So hit like, subscribe, and click the little bell to turn on notifications and keep up with all our podcasts on YouTube.
You can find our Babylon B podcast page on Instagram and Facebook.
And of course, become a subscriber.
Babylonby.com slash plans.
Use code podcast for 20% off.
And then you get the entire podcast.
And the most intimate moments always come in the subscriber exclusive lounge.
Check out the intimate intimate moments.
Kyle, who are you?
I'll reveal who I am in the subscriber lounge.
All right.
All right.
Let's talk about what's in the news.
Dad's like news.
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What's in the news this week?
So the first news is that Trump was indicted on 37 federal charges related to document handling and obstruction of justice.
And he was arraigned and pled not guilty in a Miami courthouse this week.
So there's a wonderful picture that came out of one of the bathrooms at Mar-Hall.
Boxes full of specified documents sitting around his toilet with a golden chandelier above it.
The golden chandelier.
This is just proof that I, I mean, I knew Mar-a-Lago was probably going to be Gotti, but seeing like the frame of that of that mirror, it's like, and the marble on the ground, like all that stuff, you can tell this is a Gotti.
This is the Gotti.
It looks how you would think a Mar-a-Laga bathroom would look, except maybe the toilet just looks like a normal toilet.
And look at those boxes.
Fancy.
Yeah.
That's how I think boxes would look.
I love banker boxes.
I mean, there's banker boxes are pretty cool.
Houses like that in Azusa I've been to.
Oh, I'm sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The thing that's weird to me, though, is that in this picture, it's obviously a ton of documents, a ton.
But when they did this FBI raid in the past, they didn't really mention that there's just boxes everywhere.
They just mentioned, oh, he had some things and then nothing came of it.
So why now, all of a sudden, are we seeing these pictures?
Because they never went into that bathroom.
They finally got to that bathroom.
Oh, I mean, yeah, you can't go in there until someone lights a match.
Someone was in there at the time.
Knock, knock.
Just a minute.
Tropes.
Be done soon.
Just a minute.
I'll be done.
I said, hold on.
The worst thing.
Not holding documents.
It's the worst violation of etiquette.
Knock on a public bathroom door.
It's just, I hate that.
Ding, ding.
Look at like Donald Trump takes three-hour dump to keep boxes private.
Still not done.
Just a few more minutes.
You'll have to come back some other time.
This is a food baby.
Yeah, no, knock warrants are okay, but you cannot just bust into this.
It's a nine-pounder.
Oh, man.
So a lot of people are saying that the allegations turned out to be more serious than they thought, including Mike Pompeo, Mike Pence, Nikki Haley, and Bill Barr.
Well, they're the people who you would think would say that, I guess.
And yeah.
I think they probably did think it was that serious.
Yeah.
This is shocking and outrageous.
Look at all those boxes.
But you got to think that, like, if you had 1,800 boxes of stuff, maybe there are some things in there that shouldn't have been there that are not secret that are secret.
I think it's definitely bad.
I don't like that Trump handled the documents this way.
And I think it's especially bad.
One of the worst allegations is that he showed a secret military plan to attack Iran to some writer that he was talking to.
Hey, look at this thing.
I think it is.
It's extremely careless and it's reckless.
I think you could say that it's bad.
But then when you're charging them with these crimes, it does seem like an uneven application of justice compared to what Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton have done.
They're not all identical, but they each have their own, you know, what we call details of the way they each mishandled this stuff that makes it unique.
And it's just crazy that they're coming down on Trump like this and ignoring the others.
And this seems almost a fault of the transition process between presidents, really.
Because why does he even have all this stuff?
How is he able to just move everything?
Yeah.
I just don't get that.
I mean, there's all this.
He's probably allowed to take things that are, you know, their own personal business or whatever from their time.
Well, yeah, one of the boxes says Mal Bedroom.
That probably doesn't have Mac.
Well, that's I think that's a lot of.
I think that's one of Trump's, you know, his claims and part of his defense strategies that under the Presidential Records Act, you are pretty much allowed to take what you want.
Now they're saying that doesn't apply to classified documents.
And it is crazy.
Some of the charges are under the Espionage Act, which I think this is all very careless and reckless, but there was no actual harm done.
It's not like he was trying to expose secrets to nefarious people.
Now, when they came in to look for these, did he hold them back when he was, or did he release all the stuff?
Well, that was when they raided.
They raided, they got those.
Originally, they were in communication.
We were talking to him, and they said, you have these documents.
And he's like, oh.
They said you had these documents.
And his lawyers were going back and forth, and he was told, well, you have to hold on to this stuff.
And then some of the recordings that have come out now are him talking with his lawyers about, well, how do we handle this?
And he asks one of them.
He says Hillary Clinton's lawyer did a good job because they got rid of the documents.
And then it was during all those deliberations that the was it the FBI that raided then?
Yeah.
Yeah, the FBI when this raid happened.
They went in and seized them rather than going through the process.
Yeah, just to make the point.
One of the kind of arguments that they're making is that they were talking to the National Archives and they were cooperating and they said, well, what do you want us to do?
And they're like, well, just make sure the doors are locked to those areas.
So he put him in the bathroom and locked them up.
There is a lock on the bathroom.
There is a lock on the back of the bathroom door.
That's they'll be fine in here.
But yeah, we'll see what happens here.
He sent out a fundraising email saying that he faces 400 years in prison.
Well, that is the total of all these charges that he's facing.
I think he spend the next 400 years.
This segment has been brought to you by DeSantis for president 2024.
No.
Vote Trump.
Or Vivek because Vivek's could have pardoned him.
Did you see that speech?
Or Mike Pence?
Vivek went out right after all these charges and gave a big speech where he vowed to pardon Trump if he's convicted and challenged every other person running for president to make the same promise.
Interesting.
I'm sure Trump will pardon himself too.
No, that would be legendary.
If Trump still gets elected president, that's it.
I'm voting Trump himself.
My mind has been changed.
This is the most legendary thing that's ever happened.
I don't think that'd be God mode.
He's got around it, yeah, for sure.
I don't think we know too much about the arraignment yet because I think that was already scheduled and they were in Miami the other day.
But I would just love to imagine that Trump shows up with like an envelope post-march from before he ended his presidency saying, I hereby pardon.
It's already done.
Yeah.
He anticipated this.
You know what else, dads want?
More politics.
Oh, dads love politics.
Very daddy.
My dad hates it.
So Senator Grassley says a burisma exec who allegedly bribed Joe and Hunter Biden kept 17 recordings of their conversations as an insurance policy.
An insurance policy against what, Kyle?
Earthquakes.
Tornadoes.
Oh, there's an earthquake.
They're releasing these tapes right now.
Insurance and insurance policy.
That's what you see on movies.
That's like what you say.
This is just an insurance policy.
So you have dirt on a laugh box at the airport.
Reminder.
Burisma is the company in Ukraine that Hunter was on the board for.
And allegedly, both Joe and Hunter Biden were given $5 million each to serve the interests of Burisma.
This would have happened during Joe's tenure as vice president.
Senator Grassley claimed the FBI document on these facts are still being heavily redacted and censored and called on the intelligence agencies to show their work on how they did or did not investigate this matter.
And yeah, so Grassley got this from the whistleblower because the actual details of these recordings were redacted from the documents they were showing.
So do these recordings exist?
Isn't that what they're saying?
They allegedly exist.
They allegedly exist.
All of this is alleged, which, you know, it's one of those things where it is a big scandal if it's true, but we still don't know whether any of this is true or not.
But what's odd about the whole thing is that when they were given the redacted version of this FBI document, it's unclear why they would redact this part because they say they want to redact it to hide confidential sources and that stuff.
Did they redact the $5 million each, like the payment?
I don't know if they redacted that part or not.
Because I could see them wanting to.
But it seems like they're showing This redacted form of the document that has things that don't really need to be redacted in it.
That seems to be a lot of government documents are redacted, and you're like, why is this redacted?
Yes.
It's like they're just keeping stuff secret that they don't want you to know about.
But also, they redact, probably like randomly, so that you don't know what parts are important, what parts aren't important.
I imagine this is probably a strategy.
Like, we'll just redact the fact that this happened at a Starbucks.
Well, and the other interesting thing is in these recordings, one of the phrases that's allegedly used is the phrase money for the big guy again, which is the same phrase that was used in the China emails.
Yeah, that's true.
And, you know, there's the theory that it refers to Joe Biden.
If not Joe Biden, who else could that possibly be?
It's got pretty much has to be him.
That's how, that's how Hunter refers to his father in general.
Yeah, exactly.
That's the last issue.
Have you guys ever seen that Onion video where there's like the general addressing Congress and he has to redact parts, but they keep redacting the wrong parts in the document pretty much?
Like he's like, in the event of a laser-eyed monster redacted.
And like, they're trying to redact that part, but they accidentally redact the other parts.
It's pretty wonderful.
I like that.
You guys should see it.
It does sound wonderful.
Roll the tape.
It should.
It was awesome.
That was awesome.
I like that.
Another story about that.
I think I've told this before, but I had a pastor of mine that showed me that video and he thought it was real.
And he's like, you have to watch this.
This is so crazy.
It's like, what else could that be?
It's like aliens, right?
Was the pastor an old lady?
No, he was an old grandma.
A man, because only a man can be a pastor.
A pastor.
But was he an old man?
No.
Man, you and the SBC.
Yeah.
And the Bible.
Yeah.
There's the verse.
You know what else dads like?
The Bible.
And houses.
Owning houses.
Oh, they love owning a house.
That's good.
All right.
I don't know what this means.
But it is 2023.
Because you can't buy a house anymore.
Dads like to own houses, but it's 2023.
Even if you can afford a house, you can be locked out of your own house for being suspected of being a racist.
I saw this story.
I don't know what to make of it.
I don't know about this one.
An Amazon delivery driver attempted to deliver a package to a man's house, and his doorbell issued an automated response.
Excuse me, can I help you?
The driver had earbuds in at the time, and he claimed the homeowner made a racist remark through the doorbell camera.
Can we try it?
Amazon took action, and the man's Amazon account was deactivated, and all his echo devices became logged out.
So he used Amazon devices to lock and unlock his doors, so he was locked out of his house.
So Amazon controls, they can shut off your because they can lock your Amazon account.
Apparently, they can't use all the smart devices that run your house then.
Yeah, they kind of incidentally controlled it.
They didn't mean to lock him out of his house.
They locked out him out of his Amazon account, which happened to control all the locks in his house.
So maybe this isn't a story.
They didn't kill the man.
They just shut off the oxygen tank he was breathing.
Excuse me.
How can you?
That still sounds very shady to me that they would do that.
That's true.
Excuse me, can I help you to be racist?
The cameras absolved the man of racist comments, but it took Amazon six days to unlock his account.
Wow.
Did he break it?
And they never emailed him to tell him he just one day his house unlocked again.
That's great.
Well, that's just a weird thing.
What did the general like?
Why are they a policy where they're like, hey, this guy said something racist?
Lock.
Lock.
Yeah, why would they devalue?
You can't order towels off the Amazon anymore.
And what?
Never again to clean up your racism.
What did the driver with his earbuds in think the guy had said?
He had his earbuds in.
And he thought he made a racist remark through the doorbell.
Excuse me, can I help you?
No, that's the automated response from the doorbell.
So it said that.
So it must have misinterpreted that thinking that it was a racist comment.
I mean, I don't know if we can say racist.
It's excuse me, black help you.
Excuse me.
Which doesn't make sense, and that's why it's racist.
Can I?
We don't want to guess this because it'll be bad.
What would it be?
He thought, excuse me, can I help you?
I'm judging you by the color of your skin, not the content of your character.
Yeah, that's what he thought it said.
I don't have a smart home myself.
What color was the guy that was the Amazon driver?
We do have the lock thing that you punch in the code and I just have an old physical key and lock.
And then if I have to look through the peephole and just yell racist stuff through the door.
We're living in the past, let me tell you.
You can now deliver racist comments.
Doorphone.
Automatic.
And then the guy goes, hey, and I go, I don't have a smartphone.
There's nothing or a smart home.
There's nothing you can do about it.
You can't shut me out.
Ah, the good old days where you had to do racism directly.
You know what dads can't stand?
Racist homes and paying taxes only to watch their government that money away.
Someone wrote.
So a watchdog group says feds have wasted $3 trillion on improper payments in the past 20 years.
It doesn't surprise me.
$3 trillion, though?
What are improper payments?
I don't know.
Hammers?
Payments to burman.
Because I feel like there's way more than that in stuff we shouldn't have been spending money on.
It must refer to something specific.
So it says Medicare and Medicaid both paid out last year more than $126 billion in payments that should not have been paid out.
So this is kind of like fraud and then stuff that's still on the books that should be, that's just kind of an accounting error and they just pay it out anyway.
And $3 trillion is almost the entire GDP of India.
Is it?
I didn't read that from a note.
I just knew that off the street.
Oh, it shows the GDP of all the countries.
Yeah.
What's the GDP of Madagascar?
Two.
Two.
It's probably two of something.
There's no value that's in Pakistani rupees.
It would be.
$3 trillion.
$3 trillion.
That's a lot of money.
How much have we given to Ukraine?
$30.
Billions.
Billions and billions.
Trillions.
We're in the hundreds.
We're in the $100 billion.
Yeah.
I'm $100 billion, which is well on its way to a trillion.
Well, I'll tell you what we've wasted trillions on the CIA.
You heard it here first, folks.
The FBI.
Yeah.
So if you had $3 trillion, what would you buy?
I'd buy a cow.
Can you buy India?
Can you say, like, I own India?
Good idea.
With $3 trillion, you could pretty much buy anything.
Couldn't you buy California?
You could almost buy California.
Well, if it's true.
But what is the dollar amount that you would have to have to just never worry, like, not never worry, but like you could buy whatever you wanted.
You would never be able to spend.
It depends about, it depends on your living standard.
Well, I understand that, but I'm saying like the point at which you could buy a super yacht and your own private jet and your own.
What's the lowest point?
Like multiple homes all around the world.
Because there's people who win the lottery and they win $10 million or whatever, and that's how they start living.
They blow through.
They blow through.
Whereas I think if you live just a reasonable middle-class lifestyle, like around $5 million, I feel like you would as long as you're not living extravagantly.
Well, where is it where you don't have to work anymore, too?
So I would say like you can just live off the interest.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kind of go.
Five or 10 million, probably.
Maybe 10 million.
Yeah.
And I'm saying you can invest it then.
Yeah, but you're talking about how do we get super yachts?
Because I think if we were to say that, I think about $100 million or something, $200 million.
Million?
Well, no, I don't think so.
But see, it varies so much because do you want the $2 million super yacht or the $8 million super yacht?
No, you want to do it.
They always try to upsell.
They always try to upsell yachts and super yachts.
The super yachts are like $80 million.
Yeah.
They're insane.
You don't want a used one.
I only want a tiny super yacht.
Super Micah.
It's the new tiny super yacht movement.
The super yacht.
I want the James Bond octopus thing that comes out of the ocean.
So now we're in the billions.
So I've never seen a James Bond movie.
What?
That's sad.
Hey, do I have hours of entertainment for you?
But I was at the gym and they were playing one, and it was a really weird old one.
Oh, one of the good ones.
Okay.
There was like an octopus submarine.
It was probably Octopussy.
No.
Can't say that.
No, you can't.
The name of the movie.
It's the name of the movie.
You still can't say it.
It's the name of a tiny one of his books.
Oh, man.
It's a person's name.
The name of the story is actually The Property of a Lady.
Did you say October?
Nobody's going to go see a movie called The Property of a Lady.
I don't want to see that.
Octopussy.
Let's go see that.
Okay.
I need you to say OctoHuha instead.
But that's not what it's about.
Anyway, anyway, it takes place in Jamaica, like so many of Ian Fleming's work, actually.
Because he had a house in Jamaica.
But it came up onto the ocean and it looked onto the beach and it looked really cheesy.
So many of the James Bond stories take place in the Caribbean or Jamaica.
And then there was just like a naked woman, like she was just naked.
Where?
In what?
Like dancing, like on the song.
You know, they do the song, the James Bond stuff.
In the theme.
Oh, you mean at the opening sequences of all these where it's like a woman?
Silhouette of a woman.
Yeah, but she literally like had a bullet that gone a cup of definitely nipple.
In what?
In this movie.
This James Bond movie.
This was one of the old Sean Connery ones.
Probably Roger Coleman.
It wasn't that guy.
Roger Moore.
It wasn't Sean Connor.
Well, Sean Conner was pretty earthy, too.
There's some earthy stuff.
Yeah, but he slaps women.
Roger Moore just get yourself together.
Hey, I have two questions for you.
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Check it out at samaritanministries.org/slash the Babylon B. That's samaritanministries.org/slash the Babylon B. Speaking of slapping women like Raiders of the Lost Ark, which came out 42 years ago this week.
Every dad's favorite movie.
Wow.
So it actually legitimately was my favorite movie for probably 20 years of my life.
Really?
Oh, I love this movie.
Wow.
I always liked Last Crusade a little better, honestly.
But Last Crusade wouldn't be great without Raiders.
I don't disagree.
I like Raiders.
I mean, Temple of Doom is kind of like it was the last episode until the last Crystal Skull came out.
Then Temple of Doom looked like the best movie ever.
Man, I miss movie posters.
Temple of Doom's stuff.
Yeah, I know.
I had that movie poster up on my wall.
Nice.
So cool.
I always liked Indiana Jones, but I never was a die-hard fan the way I got into like Star Wars or Star Trek or some of the other.
Yeah, I mean, they're fun and I like them, but I'm not.
I was the reverse.
I was an Indiana Jones person all until I got into my 20s.
Then I really got into it.
I didn't feel like there was as much to explore there.
He was not a whole universe.
It's not like a universe.
I mean, I'm sure there's expanded universe material like comic books and stuff like that.
Yeah, there wasn't definitely not as much to occupy.
There's something about sci-fi where you create a universe where it's like there's just limitless possibilities that really tickles the old brain cells.
There are a series of fiction novels based on Indiana Jones, but some of them are the original documentary.
Right.
Some of them are in order to explore.
You have to actually become an archaeologist, which was one of my plans.
Go ahead.
Yeah, well, some of them are, you know, they have a decent hook or whatever.
And like one of them is about Nozark's Deluge, you know, the Great Deluge.
Indiana Jones and the Great Deluge.
But then one of them will be like Indiana Jones and the dinosaur eggs.
I'm like, that's a stupid title.
Yeah, one of them was The Spear of Destiny.
So that was the spear that poked Jesus in the side.
And it's supposed to have magical powers.
And then there was Indiana Jones and the Octopussy.
Here's an awesome concept art that George Lucas hired concept artist Jim Steranko to flesh out for his idea of a swashbuckling archaeologist that punches Nazis.
It's actually really good.
That's great concept art.
That's very cool.
I would have that on the wall for sure.
I know we should have that on the wall.
That's Aries again.
I like this guy.
That guy's face, though.
He's got a strong neck.
He's got a pillar here.
He looks like a GoldenEye 007 character model.
Oh, definitely.
Like a polygon.
It's like one blocker.
It's like totally an Ian Fleming thing.
But he's about to shoot that Cobra with like a 9-11 or something.
Well, it wasn't for an Ian Fleming.
And this was before the movie was cast and before it came.
Video game graphics.
Yeah, this was.
And he ended up switching over to one of those six shooters later.
That kind of one of the nights, one of the ones from World War I.
They were like issue, standard issue.
World War I revolver.
Yeah.
Instead of it.
That's what they call it.
World War I revolver.
One of those.
I'm sure that they named it that before the World War I star.
Isn't that weird?
It's almost like we've decided to do World War I revolver.
We've already got Case.
We've already got the gun.
We might as well have the war.
I'm really thinking.
Hopefully, we never have to use this.
I have one at home, and I can't remember the name of it.
It starts with a W. Anyway, go ahead.
Do you think when they cast Harrison Ford and he came in and he asked to see the concept?
So what am I supposed to look like?
And they're like, show him the first picture.
Yeah, don't show him.
Wait, that's the one.
He looks kind of like Tom Selleck.
No, don't look at that.
Don't look at that.
Have you seen the guy that he wasn't good with faces?
We did not plan on having Tom Selick at all.
We're so happy you're here.
Yeah, that's funny.
Who can forget when the Ark of the Covenant melted that Nazi guy's face off?
I wanted to forget when I was a child because that was the skill of the movie.
If you could have owned them, it really put the fear of God in me.
Are these just random Indiana Jones quotes that we're looking at?
Bad dudes.
Top men.
That's very dangerous.
You go first.
Hey, guys.
What's your favorite movie trilogy of all time?
It says, why is it Indiana Jones 1 through 3 or Sean of the Dead Hot Foes and the World's End?
What?
I got to go with the original Star Wars trilogy.
My favorite trilogy of all time, I would go either Star Wars or Lord of the Rings would be my.
Yeah.
I think Lord of the Rings and Indiana Jones definitely play in my mind together.
Star Wars second.
I don't think Indiana Jones is really even a contender for the greatest trilogy.
It's a good trilogy, but I don't think it's...
You don't think so, huh?
What the...
The first and third movie are awesome.
Well, it's not very good.
That's my feature.
It's tough because, you know, the Indiana Jones trilogy is now four movies long, almost five.
And, you know, I still need to be.
I'm okay counting the original.
Like, Star Wars is no longer a trilogy, but I still like the original trilogy.
Four, five, and six, the original trilogy were great.
What fourth Indiana Jones movie are you referencing?
Oh, Indiana Jones and the Dinosaur Aid.
Never heard of it.
Indiana Jones.
You know, I think, I think actually Temple of Doom, if you go watch it again, is a great movie, though.
Yes.
Temple of Doom is probably my favorite.
I love it too.
I like telling anyone.
That was probably my favorite as a kid because back then you're not a movie critic.
You're not, it was just cool.
As a kid, the scenes like scared me in it and stuff.
And I thought it was just a fun movie to watch.
I think that's the thing.
I think Raiders is actually the most well-made.
Yes.
And I think Last Crusade probably has the best story.
But Temple of Doom is just so stupid and fun.
Yes, exactly.
I think Raiders' original.
It's just Saturday morning pulp type.
I think Raiders are the same movie.
I kind of feel it does knock off of duck tails a little bit, though.
However, that's right.
I mean, the best movie is Crystal Skull, right?
I don't know.
He agreed.
I don't even think Sean of the Dead and Hot Fuzz are very good.
I like the original Sean of the Dead.
Is there another Sean of the Dead other than that one?
I think it's a little overrated, to be honest.
He's saying that that's a trilogy, right?
Because it's people coordinated.
I've never seen The Worlds in World War II neither.
Hot Fuzz is one of my favorite comedies of all time.
It's funny.
I really wanted to like it, and I felt like it.
I would never laugh the whole thing.
I like how he sailed in the face.
I really like Simon Pegg's ability to cry.
It's funny because he kicks an old lady.
Yeah, it's hilarious.
It's funny.
Also, Timothy Dalton is in that movie, and he's an incredible, obvious cartoon villain.
I love British humor, and I really thought I would like it, and I just didn't.
I'll give it another shot, though.
Hey, you know, I know what else dad's like?
What?
Crickets.
A plague of Mormon crickets has descended on the city of Elko, Nevada.
That's like a sign of the end times.
Why are they Mormon crickets?
Oh, look at that.
I think that's the breed they're called.
Oh.
We're watching the video now.
The crickets are riding bicycles and wearing little.
I read something that said they poop everywhere.
Just like each cricket had its own world.
This is not uncommon.
Each cricket has its own planet.
Locusts and crickets, they're kind of related.
This is kind of what happens, man.
When they hatch, yeah, they come out and they do this.
I mean, there's always swarms of locusts.
Why not crickets, you know?
Because they have a conscience.
We are now watching the video.
Look at all these crickets.
That's pretty gross.
Yeah, that would be really interesting.
It doesn't really bother me.
Crickets don't bother me, but a ton of them might.
You know, you said dads like it.
My father-in-law really likes crickets.
Really?
I don't know why.
Yeah.
Well, because when you save a cricket, it's good luck.
And my dad would make such a big deal about that.
He would save crickets.
He'd go out of his way to save a cricket that got in the house with it.
Oh, well, it's good luck.
I would be so mad when I'm trying to sleep and you hear cricket and you don't know where it is.
Yeah, ladybugs are good luck too.
But you know what dads really love?
What?
It's not ladybugs.
Man bugs.
It's basketball.
It's man bugs in the form of basketball and other sports with the balls.
And you throw them and you pass them.
So the Denver Nuggets, which is a real name of a real team, won their first NBA final this week.
The Nuggets.
Yep.
And I think, didn't the Golden Knights also win the Stanley Cup?
Stanley Cup.
Yeah, yep.
Never heard that was their first time.
They're a newer team, too.
They're a new Vegas hockey team.
They've been around, what, four years?
Three years?
Oh, yeah, six years, I think.
Oh, six.
I don't follow the hockey.
Yeah, they're new in the sense that, like, I still think of the Mighty Ducks as new because they were traded.
I think of the Rockies as new.
That's how new.
Yeah.
Colorado Rockies.
They are one of the newer teams.
They were like one of the latest expansions.
They were like the Dodgers as new.
I went to the first game in Course Stadium.
Oh, that's cool.
How old are you?
So old.
Back before the Mentions were foreign.
The Denver Nuggies.
I was.
The Denver Nuggies MVP, which stands for Most Valuable Player.
I always wondered that.
His name is Nikola Jokic.
You know, I think it was mostly Nikola Jokic.
Jokic.
And he's from Serbia, and he was super disinterested.
He seemed super disinterested and unhappy in basketball.
And during the post-game interview, he just looked like he really just wanted to go home.
And he just finished a really long shift at the factory.
He did actually said as much.
They asked him, Are you excited for the celebration parade?
And he goes, when?
And they said it's on Thursday or something.
And he goes, no, I'm going back.
He goes, turns to his people.
No.
He turns.
He's like, when is this put it?
No, no.
Not everybody likes their job.
Looking forward to a parade coming up in Denver.
This is great.
When is put it?
Thursday.
Thursday.
No.
No.
I need to go home.
I love this response.
Oh, man.
He's really stressed about it.
It's not everything on the wall, you know.
I think still you say, okay, I want it.
Okay, we want it.
But I think it's not the most important thing in the world.
Still, there's just a bunch of things that I like to do.
It's great.
I love that answer.
Probably that's normal.
Nobody likes his job.
He looks at it like a job, like punching the cart at the factory.
Yeah, nobody likes their job.
Maybe you do.
Maybe they're lying.
I don't like my job.
He doesn't like his job.
He works.
He's like.
You have to try really hard to get that job.
Yeah.
Not like to succeed in the NBA.
He was just really good at it.
Yeah.
I like that the other team was trying really hard to win and they would have been so happy.
He's just like, I guess I won.
What a burden.
Now I have to wear this ring.
I have to stay till Thursday.
I wouldn't have had to go to parade.
I have to go home.
I would have lost the game if I had known I had to go to parade.
That's pretty great, though.
You've got to take the horses out.
He actually has a.
That's what he wants to get back to.
Yeah, he's got a farm.
He's got the horses anyway.
Of course he wants to go to that.
He was such a postseason MVP.
He was the first NBA player to ever lead the entire playoffs in points, rebounds, and assists.
Wow.
So, he's just like...
First ever?
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Like to be first in all of those categories for the entire postseason is crazy.
I think this point, I think this makes a good point that when you really, as an athlete, if you don't put a lot of emotion and thought into it, you do way better.
It's true.
Like these guys, I was trying to tell this to my kids when they're playing baseball.
Just don't worry so much.
Like get up there and just have fun.
Just go hit the ball and do whatever.
They do so much better when they're not thinking about it.
And this guy is obviously not thinking about it.
Yeah.
We were watching a baseball game yesterday.
Yeah.
And my wife is, you know, we're rooting for the Padres and the guy got to first base and he started talking to the first baseman who was on the other team.
And they kind of like high-fived or give a little.
And she goes, oh, they're friends.
So they clocked in.
Clocked in.
It's just a job.
Baseball players have pretty decent sportsmanship, I think.
Baseball is unwritten rules.
Like, you're not supposed to showboat.
Sort of a gentle, sort of a gentleman's game.
Gentleman.
A gentleman's game.
Yeah.
A gentleman's game.
I agree with that.
You know what else, gentlemen like?
Adam Yanser.
Oh.
It's time for weekly news with Adam Yanser.
The gentleman really like dads everywhere say that he is their favorite comedian.
Many such cases.
And crickets.
Which you often get a lot of crickets.
Yeah.
That's terrible.
That's the joke.
Wow, that was great, Adam.
That was good.
I've never listened to so much news in my life.
Thank you, Travis.
Yeah.
I can only hear it from you.
I know.
The most trusted name in news.
Banger of the week.
This really should be our bomb of the week.
Heyo.
Sad.
Invitations to Unibommers funeral mailed out, but no one wants to open them.
That actually would be sad.
My favorite part of this was everybody that was commenting saying, This is too soon, guys.
Oh, my gosh.
They're sad for the Unibombs.
They're probably being ironic.
It's possible.
I like his tweed jacket in that picture, though.
Oh, yeah.
It's probably available now.
Maybe he's having an estate sale at his little cabin in Montana.
It's probably worth money, actually, if you think about it.
Let's go around and say one nice thing about the Unibomber.
Oh, I thought we were going to all go around and say, if you could have one serial killer memorabilia, what would you get?
Or would you actually get Unabomber's tweet?
Actually, I'd like that.
I'd like his house in the woods.
That would be really cool.
They still have it.
It's in the FBI headquarters.
They actually removed it from the woods and put it somewhere else.
Yeah, in FBI headquarters, like I said.
I know, I watched that thing.
Now, so let's say one thing about the UniBomber.
I like his facial hair in this picture.
That's very kind of you.
Well, it's kind of dignified.
I mean, he maybe could use a trim.
He's got that goatee.
He's a smart guy, wasn't he?
He was like a professor and a writer for allegedly a genius.
He was a brilliant person.
He's just an evil, brilliant person.
That's a nice, nice guy.
He's smart, good facial hair, and he has a sweet tweed jacket.
I would actually prefer, I want to say his hair.
Like, his hair is really nice.
Yeah, but he's got a great hair.
You always say that about me.
Oh, wasn't he the source of one of the best weekend update Norm McDonald segments ever?
What did he do?
Because they had the, remember the police sketch drawing of the Unibomber?
And it was like that, wasn't that the one with the hoodie?
Yeah, and the glasses?
Yeah.
And then when they showed what he actually looked like, he looks like nothing like that.
Oh, yeah.
And he played the sketch artist, I think.
And he did this pit where he's like, well, I'm not really good with eyes.
So I drew glasses.
And I don't really, I'm not good with hair.
So I gave him a hand.
I can't draw a hand.
It looks like.
I'm really good.
Yeah.
I'm not really good at this.
I was going to say that's my, that's the nice thing I have to say about him is that he created, essentially, created this sketch inspired by him.
And it just looks like Wirdal Jankovic in a hoodie.
Yeah.
It does.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
I'm glad you said that.
So rest in power, Unibomer.
Bomb of the week.
God asks Cindy to please stop bringing that infernal tambourine to church.
Someone out there is really upset.
It's the tambourine.
One of my people on IT.
I don't have strong feelings about it.
I just remembered there was always a lady that would bring a tambourine in the pews, and she would.
And now she's telling everybody, don't go to their website.
For me, it was always the handbell choir.
Did you guys ever have that at your church?
Yeah, we did.
We added one of those ones.
We called them the Dingbats.
And it was, you know, they're.
Yeah.
They come out during Christmas and stuff.
Yeah.
They would have them at my church for a while year-round.
I don't know if they still do, but because it's each individual person, anytime someone messes up, you hear it.
So there's always one that's off, and then you always see them go, they react a little because they know they hit it wrong.
Stupid.
I feel like there could be a really good sketch about such a guy who doesn't know how to perform it.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
But the unique thing about this cultural phenomenon is like that someone would bring a musical instrument and just play it sitting in the pew.
Like they weren't asked to bring it.
I've never seen that.
Someone saw it and played it from the pew.
Oh, I never saw that in my life.
One of the girls on my team.
Well, that's why it bombed, because I was the only one.
I was just writing it about.
Is that a certain denomination where people bring the tambourine?
I think like charismatics tend to do it, but like I've seen it in a Baptist church where I've seen streamers a lot at charismatic churches, but not a whole lot of streamers, I guess.
Yeah, they do the ribbon dancing thing.
Yeah, they do the streamers.
They're like run down the aisles.
Yeah, they like kind of there's a mental image there that's just hitting my funny button for some reason.
I don't know.
People don't really bring accessories to Lutheran churches.
The most I ever see is people will bring they'll bring coffee, even though it says no drinks in the sanctuary.
Smuggle it in.
They'll bring shoes.
A lot of people bring shoes.
Yeah.
The church I'm going to, the security is very strict about the coffee.
If you try to slip in the side door, they're like, excuse me, sir.
No coffee.
And the carpet.
We got to make sure the carpet lasts.
It's the carpet thing.
Yeah.
I get it.
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Beds, this one's for you.
Falls.
I don't like Father.
I actually like Father's Day.
I get too pressured about it because they're like, where do you want to go eat?
Where do you want to?
And I just want to do everything for everybody.
I love that.
I'm like a god.
I will become a generous.
Where's the hairs?
A generous dog.
There's like one day where I am kind of the respected leader of my household.
Oh, nice.
The actual biblical leader just for one day.
I like Father's Day.
I think it's a lot of fun.
But Father's Day is always around my birthday, too.
I'm being somewhat flippant, but occasionally, like this year, I have been like, they're like, where do you want to go eat?
I'm like, I don't know.
I wanted to go to Cracker Barrel until they got all the gay.
Oh, yeah, that's sad.
They have the rainbow rock chairs.
I would still eat.
I'd still go back, but I don't really want to go during Pride Month.
Caucasian Barrel.
I would eat a hash brown casserole makes up for one rainbow chair.
I would eat a Jeremy's gay cracker barrel.
Yeah.
Jeremy's gay Caucasian barrel.
That's Jeremy's Cracker Barrel.
But it was funny that Cracker Barrow went, well, because wasn't there a controversy a few years ago about the whip or something in their logo?
I don't remember, but that doesn't surprise me.
There was a claim that Cracker referred to whip cracking in slavery days.
Well, that's why they were offended by it.
But that is why they call white people crackers is because of that.
But I didn't know that.
I thought there was a color.
There was a noose on the wall.
There was a new case.
If we were to hold up a saltine cracker to Travis's skin flesh.
It is skin flesh, skin flesh.
It would be, you wouldn't even see it on his face.
In fact, this is a reveal.
There has been a cracker taped to his face the whole episode.
Travis has been a cracker this whole episode.
And we cut over there just a saltine with glasses.
We need to do that.
Just a white guy.
That's good.
So, yeah, I like Father's Day.
I think it's fun.
I like getting presents.
I like it too.
I'm going to a baseball game with my whole family.
Well, that's fun.
This is the first time that we've gone with all three boys because we've gone with the two boys, but we didn't have Calvin yet.
He hadn't been created yet.
I'm going to a Dodger game on Friday.
That has nothing to do with it.
Dude, that's like Pride Night.
For Friday, is it actually Pride Night?
It's either Pride Night or it's the day after Pride Night.
I think it's either Thursday or Friday.
It's Pride Night.
You're going on Pride Night, bro.
You're going on Daddy's Day.
The thing is, I'm going with my best friend.
So he's like, for Father's Day, we should go to a Dodger game.
Oh, he's going to come out.
So maybe he's telling me that.
Maybe he's telling me something.
He's coming out.
Hey, Jared, for Father's Day, we should go to the Dodger Day.
It has to be this day.
I mean, no reason.
Let's just, we should.
No, no, no.
It should definitely be.
Let me see if it's Pride Night because that would be crazy.
Let's see, Dodgers Pride Night.
But MLB's sisters here.
Perpetual indulgencer be there.
Did you guys hear?
Did the MLB just this week came with like it's on June 16th.
Oh my gosh.
Are you going to Pride Night?
I got to tell my buddy.
Go and protest.
Boo.
If you're going, just boo.
When they start saying gay stuff.
Makes me want to hunt a goat.
That's terrible, man.
I was thinking about it because I'm going to a Cups game tomorrow.
I'm going to Wrigley for the first time.
I'm really excited about it.
Oh, I've been to Wrigley.
Dude, it's so cool.
Have you?
Those old school stadiums are great.
I'm excited because it was built in like, what, 1909 or 1916?
Yeah, it was built by slaves.
Oh, man.
It's also the Crackers were.
There was a big controversy since slavery had been illegal for five years.
That's like Fenway.
Yeah.
Fenway.
It's okay.
They were Jewish slaves.
They don't call out the big green monster for nothing.
That's in Boston.
But anyway, I'm going with Joel.
And I started thinking about it.
I'm like, I hope we're not going on Pride Night because me and Joel would be showing up together like hey guys.
Dude, well, that's exactly the situation.
And we missed it by like one day.
So going with my best friend.
You're going on Pride Night Eve?
On Pride Night.
You guys, I have to do it now, and I have to report back.
Yes, wear a Babylon B shirt and let's see.
I'm totally going to wear it.
I'm going to wear a Babylon B shirt.
We're going all out.
Wear a MAGA hat.
Do it.
I'd probably get beat up if I do that.
You might with one of them.
Like wearing my MAGA hat around LA.
Every now and then I get in the mood to do it.
It's so much fun.
I love that about you.
So much fun.
You know who does that?
Joe Wilford.
Oh, really?
Yeah, he'll wear a MAGA hat to the gym and stuff.
People don't know what to do with it.
I want to hang out with Joe Wilford in our MAGA hats something.
You guys would have fun.
That would be so much fun.
We should just do like a Man on the Street thing where we just go around LA in our MAGA hats.
Oh, that's a great idea.
That sounds like a great bit.
I actually do like that idea.
So do we have any good dad stories from our childhoods?
Was anybody's dad horrible and this is going to be really emotional?
That was the one thing I was going to say.
Everyone's crying.
That's what was hard when they told me before the episode, they're like, do you have any good dad stories?
My dad was great.
And so he was like, he was a real, he was a good father.
He was a good handyman.
Like he was always fixing cars, fixing things around the house.
And then when they're like, do you have any good dad stories?
The only thing that pops in your head are like the few times he messed up.
But it was always funny.
Yeah, it was always funny when that stuff would happen.
But no, my dad was great.
He is great.
He's still around.
My dad was great.
He's still around.
He's also, but he's not great anymore.
He's dead to me now.
You know what's sad?
Living on that.
I don't enjoy about Mother's Day and Father's Day as much anymore.
It's like living across the country.
It's like I don't get to do the, you know, going out with the family or anything.
It's just a phone.
It's just a phone call.
It's just, you know, I call my parents and talk to them on Mother's Day and Father's Day.
It's nice to see them.
The ball game we're going to on Sunday is also Star Wars Day at the ballpark.
And they have a player named Juan Soto.
So I'm getting a bobblehead that's Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Obi-Juan Kenobi.
And he's got a lightsaber instead of a baseball bat.
I feel like Juan Soto is also similar to Han Solo.
I feel like they're so close.
That's where I thought you were going with it.
They didn't have that.
No, I feel like you made that.
I'm not going anymore.
It feels like you made the roundabout pun rather than the obvious pun.
They made 40,000 bobbleheads, and they were like, oh, shoot, we should have done.
You know what we should have done?
There's this player named Juan Soto.
So I made this bobblehead.
It's Luke Skywanker.
Luke Skywalker.
Luke Skyfliker.
Luke Skywonker is the best thing I've ever heard.
That's really funny.
Oh, man.
Father son made this character called Juan Ba the Hut.
It's going to be an Obi-Juan Kenobi.
Obi-Juwan.
Oh, my goodness.
He's like, get it because Juan.
Oh, I get it now.
Because the Juan.
No.
I'm still excited about my bobblehead.
I like it.
They missed the low-hanging fruit.
Now, this is for the more discerning Star Wars fan.
So, Skywonker.
My dad, man.
I feel like my dad gave me all the childhood memories you think of, like holding the flashlight and correctly.
And it's always like, oh, over here.
Stop shaking it.
You're in my light.
You're in my light.
And then one year I got my dad a snake light because I saw and he was just like, oh, thanks.
And he never used it.
Or my dad uses it all the time.
He still uses it.
Oh, yeah.
He never used it.
He just a bit of a flashlight collector.
A flashlight.
I've learned his oddly strange thing about your father.
I'm a discerning flashlight.
My dad, he worked for Mac Trucks as a draftsman for all his life.
And he was very like, he was a car guy.
He knew how to keep all our cars running forever and he'd always fix them and stuff.
So he's very handy.
But like I said, the one memory I have of him is like when he messed up, we had a pop-up camper and we'd go camping all the time as kids.
And we would tow it behind.
We had an old suburban.
And there's specific warnings on campers that say tighten the lug nuts on the wheels before you take them on trips.
And while we were driving down the highway, the lug nuts popped off of one of the pop-up camper tires and the tire went up through the rear, the rear floor of the camper and started dragging.
And my dad's like swerving and we had to get over like three lanes of traffic and pull over.
And he didn't, like, nobody, nothing happened.
We didn't hit any other cars, but he walked back and the tire had gone all the way up through the camper.
And I just remember like being on the highway and swerving.
I'm trying to get over.
Oh, my God.
Because he hadn't tightened the lug nuts on the camper tire.
I think that's one of my dad's stories, too, is that we were helping someone move and we had a mattress on top of the car.
And we just didn't tie it down enough.
It just went flying and we ran over it and this whole thing.
Oh my God.
I had to go in the street and drag it out.
Did you guys use the mattress afterwards?
Yeah.
Did you have to use it?
Well, it wasn't my mattress.
So it was there.
The springs are still good.
But we put it on their bed.
Oh, that's funny.
Nothing happened to it.
What's that mark?
Yeah, it's just the corner.
Yeah, he just barely missed it.
Like, excellent driving.
So my dad, my dad was, he worked at Lockheed Martin for a lot of years.
So he was, he was in like the HR department, leadership department, got his PhD in leadership, and then he ended up working as a professor for like 17 or 18 years.
So he was a professor.
It's funny to me to get your PhD in leadership.
Yeah.
Like I am, I am a leader.
No, it's I'm not good at anything else.
Well, I do, but I can lead to you.
Yeah, you would think you could break it up all the time.
So everybody's like, hey, we should go this way.
Excuse me.
Do you have a PhD in leadership?
I will be on this expedition.
No, he's actually, he's a great guy, really quiet guy.
So the biggest thing.
Doesn't sound like a very good leader.
Well, surprisingly, he is, but he was really quiet.
So my dad and I were polar opposites in terms of our personality.
Oh, you're not quiet?
No, unbeknownst to some, but he's- Dad texts quietly.
He does with his fingers.
Yeah, not like me.
I can see them sitting together and Jared's doing voice to text.
His dad's like looking up.
Keep it down.
It prepared me to work here, actually.
That was one of the things.
I've learned my whole life was an education on how to deal with introverts.
And so it was so funny.
What are you saying?
And he was.
My dad worked at Boeing or works.
Still does.
Do both of your dads have ties to Ukraine?
Mine does not have any.
No.
No, yeah.
Not at all.
I mean, you're aware of.
Okay.
There's probably some truth to the perverse incentive that they would be okay with more bombs.
That was really good.
I mean, you know.
Yeah.
Like it is the defense industry, right?
I did go.
But I think my dad would prefer if we just defended.
So my dad was part of the Peacekeeper thing.
So like that whole project.
So I went to the name of a bomb.
It's a bomb that shoots.
So you remember Scud missiles?
Is Peacekeeper really the name of a bomb?
It's the name of a bomb that shoots other people out of the sky.
This sounds like something that a kid drew.
What are you drawing?
It's a bomb, but it shoots other bombs out of the sky.
And plus, it has missiles and lasers.
That's right.
I call it Peacekeeper.
It's the Peacekeeper.
And it's so cool.
It costs one penny and it costs one pick.
It's not Obi-Juan Kenobi.
But, you know, it works.
It's low-hanging fruit.
But he worked on that.
So I got to go to the office, which was crazy because you get to see all the missiles.
Because they basically were majoring on missiles when I was.
My dad was there.
They did a lot of playing.
My dad just did the space shuttle.
Man, all of our dads are such men's men.
They were mechanical and engineering savvy.
And look at us.
We're just effeminate artists.
We're probably huge, disappointing.
My dad used to turn my hat around too.
When I was a kid, turn your hat around, Jared.
Turn your hat around.
Just like these people online.
Yeah.
So that's why it's really tricky.
Did he comment on your man boobs too?
No.
Too far, Kyle.
I'm trying to think if he did.
Hey, shape up that body.
He just has a lot of ghost accounts.
I raised those teams.
These man boobs.
Look at that.
Look at that flex.
The only way I'll make him change is by cyberbullying.
If you could keep your father and then have a second father, nothing weird.
Just two dads?
Who would that be?
My father-in-law.
Wait, is this?
I'm just reading the prompt.
This is what it says.
I don't even see that one on the bottom.
It says, oh, who did you?
You keep your father, but you get to have two fathers.
Who was your second father?
Sounds gay marriage-y.
No, no, it says no.
No, it says that specifically says not.
Oh, no, it's not at all.
Well, I tell you what I used to say.
I always used to say Bill Cosby.
For obvious reasons, I don't say that anymore.
I never used to say him.
And then when I learned how good he is at picking up one.
What a role model.
Man, if I could be more like Bill.
Bill Cosby's kids are ones that could say my dad was great.
Yeah.
America's dad.
That's right.
Now I wish Donald Trump was my father.
I feel like I don't need a second father.
I feel like if I was to pick a second father, it'd be another man from my family, like my grandpa or my poppy or something.
I'd already kind of filled that role.
Always go, TV Dad.
Carl Winslow.
Now, okay, so I think my father-in-law is an amazing guy, too.
He teaches Bible studies, been at the same time.
He's owned the same business for like years.
You do get a second father.
He's a great guy.
If you have a family father, he's a huge Babylon B fan, Bill Stevens.
Huge Babylon B fan.
Awesome guy.
Thank you, Bill Stevens.
Thank you, Bill Stevens.
We love you, Bill Stevens.
Use code Bill Stevens.
You're your only hope.
99%.
Oh, never mind.
Oh, Bill.
Oh, Bill.
Oh, Bill Walter.
No, Bill Stevens.
Stevens.
That's funny.
Who's the best biblical father?
You can't pick God.
Oh, they all had a lot of faults.
Yeah, Abraham almost killed him.
I would say the father.
Noah never did anything wrong.
I like the prodigal son's father.
Yeah, that's a parable.
Does that count?
It's a parable.
I think you could pick the pick.
Pick that one.
I'll allow it.
All right.
No, no, I'll tell you.
It says you can't pick God and you pick the character that represents God.
Oh, that's true.
Let's talk about this for a second.
David was an awful father.
Jacob was he showed favoritism, so he was kind of a bad father.
Joseph, you don't know much about his fatherhood.
Samuel didn't have any kids.
Saul was a terrible father.
It doesn't have to be the best, like, he's a perfect father, but just the most entertaining father.
Whether you got, well, Peter or the most noble.
I'm going for entertainment value here.
Paul didn't have any kids.
Jesus didn't have any kids.
But Paul had true children in the faith.
Timothy.
Yeah.
I'm sure Timothy, if he had that one question, like, if you could have another father who would be like, he'd be like, oh, I'd pick Paul.
Paul, I think Peter would be fun.
He seems like Peter as a dad seems like he'd be the guy that's like, the car's breaking down on the family trip.
And he'd take care of it.
Well, but he'd be a bit of a goofball.
Oh.
And we'd all be laughing at him.
I agree.
I think Peter is a bit of a goofball.
He's definitely a goofball.
He's the guy that says cringy things like when other people are around it.
He embarrasses you.
Right.
Yeah.
I would pick Peter.
Well, we don't have to pick.
Well, it actually doesn't say that you're picking the father.
I pick Peter, and now he's my dad.
Who's the worst biblical father?
You can't pick Satan.
Because he's the father of lies.
Father of lies.
Did you get it?
Okay.
Be out of Zab.
There's some pretty bad things.
What's his name?
It starts with a Jay, the one that said he'd sacrifice.
Yeah, Jehoam.
Jehoidam.
Jehoidim.
The first person who runs out of his house.
Sorry, I don't know exactly.
Sacrifice.
He's like, whoever steps through that door, I'm going to murder.
Don't some of them do the sex with their kids?
Yeah, like Lot.
Yeah.
Lot in his defense.
He was not known.
He was just very, very drunk.
In his defense, it was dark.
He was very drunk.
You got to hand it to him.
When I found out about Bill Cosby, I probably would go with Lot as the worst biblical father just because he did, like, hey, let's move to Sodom.
He also did, he also was like, take my daughters, please.
Yeah, that's pretty bad.
He did it ironically.
Take my daughters, please.
Please.
And then they're like, hey, I get no respect around.
Yeah, he's Rodney David.
That's played by Rodney Dajerfield.
For best biblical father, I'd go with Abraham just because Father Abraham.
Abraham's pretty solid choice.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not saying he was perfect.
Dude, he kicked Ishmael out into the wilderness.
Like his first time.
Yeah, but God said, listen to your wife.
He had permission to do it, essentially.
And he almost killed Israel, also ordained by God.
But these are not things that it's like you're answering your own don't leap, you know what I'm saying, though?
I mean, I'm just saying to me, it was terrible that Abraham imprint on Israel.
You're like, well, there's that one time you almost murdered me.
This is funniest story.
Funniest story.
What are some good gift ideas?
King, what are some good gift ideas for Father's Day?
Should wives be watching this?
Oh, Glenn Levitt Scotch is good.
Yeah, that is a good one.
A RAM would be good so that you don't have to use Isaac.
Some medium body cigars, like they don't tread on me, labeled ones on cigarpage.com.
Cigarpage.com.
I'll tell you what I always gave my dad is a Clive Custler novel.
My dad loves it.
Pretty much every year, Dirk Pit.
Yeah.
The same one.
Dirk Pit, not Joe Pit.
Look, I got you, Sahara again.
It's Dirk Pit.
That's what I said.
I said Joe Pen.
I don't roll back the tape right now.
We'll wait.
And then let's flash back to when he was a cracker with glasses.
I'm very excited for this.
What else?
I think I'm going to get a souvide.
You better have a self-eu direct that we can do.
What do you call us?
I'm going to get a sous vide, probably.
You know what those are?
Brandon does.
An SUV?
A sous vide.
That's what I thought.
It's like a preparation.
It's like a French, like you, it's like it keeps water at a certain temperature and then you stick the meat in there in a bag and then it keeps it at that temperature for a long time.
Oh, yeah.
It's a way of cooking meat.
Sous vid.
Sous vide, I thought it was.
I still don't know what you're talking about.
Maybe it is sous vide, but not, I'm not familiar either.
Oh, it's cool.
I'm excited.
I don't even know what category of thing you're talking about.
Like, is this an appliance?
Yeah, it's like an appliance that it's like meant for barbecue and meat and all you can, all kinds of cooking you can do.
Yeah, it's easy.
You just build a well and then you dip the steak in it seven times and then I always think knives.
Knives are a good present for this time.
No, any knife that you can carry on your belt.
Yeah, absolutely.
You can never have too many of those.
That's mine home.
Dang.
Flashlights.
You can have too many, though.
Swords.
According to my swords are always good.
Board games.
I like the tape.
I like the more like the event kind of like taking out for dinner, taking a fishing trip, taking on like a boat ride or something.
You know, something like that.
That's always good.
Star Wars Day at the local ballpark.
Yeah.
Pride night.
Yeah, yeah, going to a sporting event.
Going to sporting event.
Pride night at the Flippin' Dodgers.
This is going to be my favorite.
I love that you found that out live on the podcast.
That makes me so happy.
All right.
Well, happy Father's Day to all the fathers.
In the subscriber portion, we're going to read some stories from our subscribers about their fathers.
So that's going to be fun.
I hope they had good fathers.
But first, hate mail.
You know what?
Father's like hate mail.
You used to be good.
Adam Ford.
I really miss Adam Ford.
We sent out an email promoting our Father's Day shirt, lovingly rendered and sketched out by Bettina.
We can't say nice things about Bettina.
She's not a father.
Oh.
Next week, you can comment her.
Okay.
Next week, we will do that.
And it said, get your dad our new Father's Day shirt before it's too late.
And Barbara replied, You demented piece of rotten snut.
What was that?
What is the shirt?
Is the shirt offensive?
No, it's just an infographic of like a drawing of a dad and then pointing out his muscles and his facial hair.
Yeah.
And Barbara Kirkland.
Kirkland's best.
Demented piece.
For what?
My question for that.
How did this person end up on a mailing list?
That's my favorite part about the hate mail.
It's like people replied in the newsletter when they signed up and they're like, never email me again.
I'm like, what did you think you were signing up for?
I don't know.
Wow.
Maybe we're just signing up random, like we're just typing in random email addresses hoping that other people are signing them up as a joke.
Yeah.
By the way, I just texted my best friend to let him know that it's Pride Night on Friday.
And he responds to how he responds.
How he responds will be telling.
He's like, yeah, I know.
Why do you think I bought the tickets?
I thought you knew.
We're going to find out.
Well, thanks for watching.
Oh, I was saving it as a surprise.
We're going to find out what he says in the subscriber lounge.
I've been found out.
Hey, guys, thanks for watching and happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there.
Fatherhood's a wonderful thing.
And we're going to have some more father stories in the subscriber portion.
So become a subscriber, babylonbee.com slash plans and use code podcast.
20% off.
You can join us.
And Travis is raising his hand.
Yes.
I'm sorry.
He was waving.
There was a very...
Well, I was doing it like the old knight in Last Crusade where he just waves it.
That was the right way.
He waves his hand like this.
Indiana Jones only comes in and like destroys his entire place.
Yeah, but he's like 700 years old.
Please comment if you would have gotten that reference.
If you saw Travis do that and you thought, oh, he's like the old night last crusade.
Strangely dressed for a night.
Coming up next, for Babylon Bee subscribers.
Southern Baptists wish God had written some kind of book telling them who can be ordained as pastor.
There's this whole category of people that only exist on Twitter, and I don't know who they are.
Okay, by the way, my buddy just said...
How did the ones before this get like 14 or 12 likes?
Yeah.
And that one got nine.
That was funny.
No.
How do you have rules for all the other segments?
But then you'll applaud a non-comedy headline pitch.