Long Frog Tubes and Other Wikipedia Edits, Advice For Husbands, Drag Queen Bill Signing
The Babylon Bee Podcast can't stop laughing as they go through hilarious Wikipedia edits and Emma quizzes the guys on their husband skills. They also go through the news of the week like Biden inviting a pedophile drag queen to the Respect For Marriage Act signing, Roger Stone believing in a visible demonic portal swirling like a cauldron over the White House, and Avatar 2 coming out for some reason. Check out Adam Yenser's New DryBar Comedy Special! Go To BabylonBeeLive.Com and come see The Babylon Bee in Fort Worth, Texas on February 24th! This episode is brought to you by our wonderful sponsors who you should absolutely check out: My Patriot Supply PublicSQ on Apple and Google devices Allegiance Gold There's a banger and a bomb of the week, Adam Yenser's Weak-ly News, and a special Sizzler Facts with some on-the-ground reporting. The Babylon Bee got some hate mail over their recent Apocalypse Brothers video sketch. In the subscribers-only portion, there's bonus hate mail, classic Bee articles, and the best subscriber headlines of the week! Become a Babylon Bee subscriber to watch the whole show at babylonbee.com/plans
SBF was arrested in the Bahamas, crushing his dream of becoming a deli menu item.
All over the SBF, please.
Avatar 2 is out in theaters this weekend.
End of message.
We read a book full of questions for husbands, and it wasn't even written by a woman.
Roger Stone thinks there's a demonic portal over the White House.
But what else is new?
Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act, and there was no better way to make this happen than to invite a drag queen to perform for children.
All this in Mormons, the Bee Weekly.
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All right, everyone, welcome to the Babylon Bee podcast.
This is an exciting podcast.
We're going to cover the news.
The only podcast where you can get the news.
So exciting.
And today I'm joined by Emma, Jarrett, and Adam.
It's going to be a fun time.
Hey, we're getting ready for our Christmas party in a few days here.
Except Adam can't be there.
No, I'm going to be out of town this year.
Every time we partner with you.
Our Christmas party was so much fun last year, too.
Yeah, it was fun.
We went and hung out.
Where are you going to be this time?
I'm doing shows in Masslin, Ohio at a comedy club called Crackpots.
So that's where I'll be this weekend.
Sounds funny.
Yeah.
So Seth's flying out, so we're cleaning up the office right now.
I had to send everybody a message and say be to work, be at work.
Pretend we get here on time.
On time.
What time are we supposed to be here?
We don't, we've never really.
You have to check your contract.
You're probably very.
I love coming in like the first one and turning on the heat before Brandon gets here.
Oh, because he always cranks it down.
Yeah.
Brandon keeps our office at like, what, 50 degrees?
No, 62.
Like, while we're here.
Yeah.
I live about four hours away or something.
It's crazy.
Well, and I've started taking my kids to school in the mornings.
And so it's like a whole go down, drop them off, come back.
My other kid goes to a different school and like sometimes I'll take him to and then I come back and then it's like I might work out and then I drive here and it's like, I'm like, okay, it's 2 p.m.
Yeah.
That's how I always leave in the morning imagining I'm going to get there on time.
Yeah, and then it's always just as late as ever.
I feel like I'm in trouble if people are here before me.
You would be.
That's a military.
That's a good military holdover.
High sense of responsibility.
Yeah.
You have to be like 15 minutes early or you're late and that's the military.
It took me a while to get used to this like non-job job because before I had a real job and it was like show up at 6 a.m.
You know, they had like strict facial hair things, which Emma's rather fast.
I shave like clean shaving because I don't like the restrictions of the mustache.
Yeah.
It's very hard to smile when you have it on.
That's all that we're allowed to have in the military is a mustache.
Mustaches.
But I can paint my nails.
Technically.
In today's military, they can.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think men can paint their nails certain colors too.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
In the military?
But you can't have a beard.
This will look natural.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
That's the dumbest thing?
You can't have a beard.
You can't paint your fingernails.
And you can't.
You can only paint your fingernails camouflage.
Camouflage.
So the enemy doesn't see your fist coming.
That's good.
Is that one of your jokes this weekend?
We'll see.
Maybe I'll go try it out at some open mics first.
See how it lands.
I've just thought of a good subtitle for this podcast.
The Babylon Bee Podcast.
People talking over each other and awkward silences.
Yeah.
I think that's what I would call the review that we did that's going to come out next week.
What review?
Oh, the California Moose.
Oh, the commentary thing?
The commentary.
That was fun.
I like recording that.
We did like a director's commentary type DVD track thing that we talked over the sketches.
It was fun.
It was a lot of fun.
I'd like to do more of that.
Everyone had to hug it out afterwards.
I know.
It was like we got into the commentary and all of a sudden we're like, well, someone forgot the props that day.
And we're all like, we're all like, geez, who should we talk about?
Still holding on to this.
Still holding on.
I don't know if anyone's still listening to this episode right now.
Totally true.
It's true.
What else is going on in this episode, Kyle?
Well, we've got news items.
We've got Sizzler Facts.
We got Banger in the Week.
We got Bomb of the Week.
We got Adam's Weekly News.
We found a crazy old book from the 70s just for husbands.
And we have the best and craziest Wikipedia edits of all time.
So buckle up.
But first, we're going to do some self-promotion.
Adam?
Yeah, I have some big news.
I have my Drybar Comedy special, which I mentioned a few times last month that was coming out.
It's now available on drybarcomedy.com.
So if you're a fan of stand-up comedy, I'm really proud of the special.
I taped it like a year and a half ago.
It's finally edited.
Drybar is a clean comedy website.
They're affiliated with Angel Studios.
So you can go to drybarcomedy.com.
You can rent it for $1.99.
You can buy it for $3.99.
Or you can get a free one-month subscription to the whole website and see all of their comedy specials if you use my name as the promo code, Adam Jenser.
You can also just go to Angel Angel, what is it?
VidAngel.
VidAngel.
If you are a subscriber for VidAngel.
Does that also have Drybungel?
You can get Drybar Comedy on.
Yeah, you can get it.
Yeah, so any of you that are VidAngel people, go on Drybar Comedy.
And Adam's special is amazing.
I've seen it.
A lot of the jokes.
It's really, really fun.
And if you go for the option where you use my name, Adam Yenser is the free one-month subscription.
You can check out all the other comedy specials they have.
There's people that we've had on here that have great specials.
Erica Rhodes is on there.
Kellen Erskine, I think, is on there.
There's a comic named Randy Lubis.
We haven't had him on here, but I think our audience would like him.
They have a lot of really good content.
Awesome.
Very funny.
Did they take out all the jokes where you just trashed Mormons?
I didn't do those jokes in the special.
I'm saving that for my next special.
All this in Mormons.
All right.
Well, we also want you to go to BabylonBelive.com to come see us in person on February 24th of 2023 next year at the River Ranch Stockyards in Fort Worth, Texas.
So please buy tickets now.
All of us in this room, except for one of us, will be there for you to meet and greet.
And we have discussion panels, QA's, live podcasts, all kinds of fun stuff that is going to happen.
So please join us.
Tickets are selling out and we'd love to see you there.
BabylonBelive.com.
Let's go to what's in the news this week.
What's in the news this week?
Tuesday, Joe Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act because he respects marriage.
It codified federal recognition of same-sex and interracial marriage into law, which nullifies the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, which defined marriage as between one man and one woman.
If you want to know what a bill does, read its name and assume the opposite.
Yes.
I like how respect defending marriage means it's between a man and a woman.
Respecting marriage means it's between sex people.
Or whatever.
The whole thing with this is, first of all, no one was attacking interracial marriage.
No one was trying to walk that back.
They just put that in there.
And then the Republicans, some of them were trying to get in an exemption so that religious groups and religious organizations would not be forced to participate in this, but the Democrats got that part removed.
Churches that went on.
Churches are still protected, but parachurch organizations and any kind of Christian organization, including whatever, could talk about us, but like everybody else is under this.
Yeah.
And then the tyranny of businesses.
Like if you're a bake shop and you don't want to make a wedding cake for a certain couple, you don't have that right.
For an interracial couple.
That's what we assume.
I was like, did I say that?
Yeah.
That's what you mean.
You're all for a certain couple.
I don't know.
Yeah, I mean, well, I'm like in a one and a half interracial anyway.
But I think like Republicans need to name things better.
Like in defense of marriage, it doesn't sound as nice as respect for marriage.
We just need to.
It defenses to like that with every bill from both sides and they've done it forever.
They had the Inflation Reduction Act, which didn't reduce inflation.
But that's the demonstration of the.
You had like no child left behind, which some people supported and some people didn't.
But they give them those names so you think like if you don't support this, oh, you don't respect.
No, you want to leave children behind.
It's just so crazy.
You don't want to reduce inflation.
If Republicans were going to write a bill about how if you don't pass high school, we'll leave you behind.
They'll just write Leave a Child Behind Act.
You've got to phrase it better.
Yeah.
Can we scroll up again?
I want to see the tweet that Joe Biden sent out.
He said, today I just signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law.
We are reaffirming a fundamental truth.
Love is love, and Americans should have the right to marry the person they love.
What's crazy about this?
Have you guys seen the old video, Joe Biden, back from the Defense of Marriage Act age?
Where he's going.
There's a video online of Joe Biden from, when was that, 1996, 97?
He's been around.
Of him going, it's settled.
Marriage is between one man and one woman.
We've defined that.
Nobody is going to change that.
And he's just insisting that that's what he believes and that's what this legislation does.
Another example of when the culture shifts and everybody moves with it and anyone that's got their finger to the wind is going to.
You should name that.
We'll call it the Jarrett window.
I like that.
Let's call it the Jarrett window.
Yeah.
And naturally, Biden invited a drag queen who performs for children to attend the signing of the Respect for Marriage Act.
I don't think the drag queen performed for children at the White House.
No.
Is that a child?
Drag queens or he.
Oh, this one is a he, yeah, yeah.
I never know.
I guess there's no, no, that's a he.
That's a he.
But let's not respect it, whatever they do.
I respect for drag queens.
Is that what he's doing?
I call transgender, like transgender women he also.
I just, you know, it's like your brain.
I just call them dudes.
I just see it sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Roger Stone has claimed that a demonic portal opened up above the White House after Biden moved in.
He had an interview with Eric Metaxas, and Stone said, I think that a portal, a demonic portal, opened above the White House around the time that the Bidens moved in.
This was brought to my attention by a Christian who lives in North Florida, who sent me a bunch of documents and also a bunch of notations from the Bible about portals.
The portal is said to be swirling like a cauldron.
If you zoom in on the video evidence, you can actually see.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it was a visible.
Yeah, so that's what's so I was going to say crazy, but interesting about his claim.
He's not just claiming there's a demonic portal or an influence.
He is claiming that it is visible above the White House, like a Ghostbusters.
Like, why would you trust the claims from North Florida?
Like, if it was someone in D.C. Because a guy from North Florida sent me some documents.
I know they also said the media refuses to cover it.
Like, they all know it and see it, but they just won't recover it.
Because they have portals over all of their media outlets.
That's true.
I was in DC for 2021, and I don't remember seeing a portal over the White House.
I was just there.
I was there.
I was like, you were at the portal.
There was no portal.
You were at the Capitol in January.
I was at the Capitol.
Well, it was no longer.
You didn't see the portal?
No.
No, it was 2020.
January 6th, 2021 was the insurrection.
Really?
Is that when the portal opened?
Because the election was 2020, and he got voted in.
Yeah, January 6th.
He was going to get inaugurated in January 2021.
I was around on or around the Capitol.
Let me think.
No, I was scrambling.
I was really close because I was in Pennsylvania, so I could have went to the rally if I wanted to.
And I knew people that were thinking about going.
I didn't go to that.
We know people that were there.
But I was trying to think of like.
We know people that were there.
Now in the military, every year we have a Don't Storm the Capitol training.
Wow.
It's a training, like, no, bad.
Don't do that.
Let's do this.
Do they spray you with spray bottles?
Don't storm the capital.
It's called anti-extremism.
But it's basically like, it's because of, it was really close to after the riots.
So I had that training in 2021, which I thought was too soon for them to come up with a training.
But it's like, don't join Facebook groups.
Don't attend meetings.
Trying to get you not extremized.
Yeah.
And it had a scale of like, this is bad.
Don't talk to people who are of groups.
And then this is worse.
Don't join the groups.
And this is really bad when you go to the rallies.
Where is you working for the Babylon Beef at Intel?
Are you at level two right now?
I'm, yeah, I think I'm like level two.
That sounds like level three to me.
I don't know.
You're participating.
Emma's like code blue right now.
Yeah, I like walk a flying line.
Yeah.
They're watching you.
Well, Sam Begman Freed was finally arrested Monday in the Bahamas after the $32 billion FTX collapse.
And they said that FTX customers are out 8 billion from this.
So that is wild.
But yeah, they finally got him.
They enabled him in the Bahamas.
Jerk.
And cool.
Good for him.
That's great.
Next story.
It was so weird.
I have no interesting things to say.
No matter how much I read about this story.
Yeah, I get the impact of it, but it just bores me.
Like, I know he gave a lot of.
I guess the biggest scandalous part is what happened in the money.
And then there was some rumors that he was like donating it somehow to Democratic candidates.
Laundering money with the money.
He was laundering money for the DNC.
It's weird how he wasn't immediately arrested.
He was like, oh, let's go on talk shows and interviews.
And then, surprise, you're going to go to jail for scamming people.
They arrested him because people were saying, oh, they're not going to prosecute him.
They're not going to get him.
Well, they got what they needed out of him.
So you're done.
That's true.
Interesting.
I'm going to put her out in a code level Orange.
Elevating.
I'm at least like one.
I'm allegedly at a one out of two.
I'm surprised the Democrats haven't introduced the respect for not storming the Capitol anymore.
Love extra to make it extra illegal next time.
This is what's really under attack.
Let's write something.
Let's move on.
This is awesome.
The New York Times named John Fetterman among 2020's most stylish people.
2022s even, but that's 2022.
You know, I'll tell you.
The basketball shorts, the basketball shorts, and the sweatshirt, it's funny.
I guess that makes like Kyle the most.
Oh, yeah.
I was going to say, I will not have hoodie slander on this box.
No, I wear a hoodie almost.
I don't appreciate it.
Like, I don't like 50.
I'm not a fan of this guy, but I like the hoodie.
He always looks like fat Ray Shao Ghoul to me.
That's what I think every time I see him.
He looks like a cartoon character.
The villain beard.
When he looks down, scowling eyebrows.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
I just think it's interesting that you wouldn't consider him fashionable.
Look at a person that's fashionable, you think of like, I don't know.
They're trying to say bring the hoodie back.
It's kind of Jason Statham.
Basketball shorts are so ugly.
Yeah, no, but those are hot right now.
The super long short basketball shorts they go down to your like ankles.
They're not.
Adam Sandler wears those, and everybody's like, look at these amazing new basketballs.
People point them out as like, you don't dress.
Sandler has always gone out looking like a slob, I feel like.
He looks good at movie premiers, and then every other time you see a photo of him, it's just like.
Have you guys ever seen Jack and Jill with Adam Sean?
Oh, yeah.
No.
He plays the brother and the sister.
We'll have to have a screening of that sometime soon.
He does play a good.
I just watched one of those old SNL sketches where it was everybody was playing a valley girl.
Yeah.
Those are fantastic.
With Chris Farley, who's one of them?
Chris Farley, David Spade, the Gap Girls.
Yep.
David Spade and Adams.
Give me some of those nachos.
Lay off me.
I'm starving.
I'm starving.
So good.
Are you getting care about you?
We're your friends.
We can't let you do that.
That was so good.
Well, the new Alexandria Casi-Cortez movie, To the End, bombed at the box office.
It brought in $81 per theater and under $10,000.
Wow.
This is the first I'm hearing about it.
This is the first I'm hearing of it.
Why did they do the thing?
I don't understand why they put it in.
What's it about?
This feels like something that should live on Netflix's documentary.
Why is it getting a theater release?
I don't understand.
Okay, it says Dr. Rachel Lear's latest film, To the End, gives some insight into the new representative's time in office, the video calls that she rolls her eyes at, the realization she's had about Washington, D.C., and more.
The video calls that she rolls her eyes at.
But the focus here is more about the Green New Deal, a vital change to infrastructure in America that could help fight against global warming, save the American economy as the clock.
That sounds more exciting than Avatar 2.
Are we excited for Avatar 2?
No, it looks terrible.
I have no care about that.
It's one of those things where I feel like if I went to see it, and maybe I will at some point, it's probably a good movie to some degree.
That's how I felt about the first one.
I thought it was good.
It was just fine.
I didn't love it.
I didn't need to see another one.
This is my thought.
I understand why James came out.
I feel like it was there's this huge fan base that is dying to see it.
It was technically competent.
Yeah.
And I can barely remember a thing about it.
Yes, that's how I feel.
One thing I remember.
The one thing I remember is the fact that they had the way that their species coupled.
Oh, they had hair braids.
And it was just so disturbing to me.
Yes, it was strange.
I couldn't stand it.
And then watching a whole other movie based on, like, now she's pregnant.
Yeah.
She got pregnant through the braid, and now she has a, you know, it just doesn't work physiologically.
How can he?
Why wouldn't the baby be like in that?
Right.
Well, it's got to be like up here.
It's already.
That's what Fetterman Fetterman neck love.
Maybe that's.
I hear that Avatar 2 has three bonus hours of hair sex.
The unrated.
The underrated guy.
Oh, isn't he in like an avatar body?
How can he reproduce?
See, I don't understand that completely.
Somehow he transfers himself into the blue.
There's like another body.
It's called Avatar, you guys.
It's about transferring your consciousness.
Oh, I also think it's weird how he made this whole series called Avatar when there was already a popular series called Avatar.
And now you always have to specify blue people or the good ones.
Or the arrow on the head guy.
That's right.
The blue people.
Yeah.
It's the blue people.
So I have no care for Avatar.
I thought it was a terrible movie.
Well, like I said, technically competent, but I just remember the hybrids in my opinion.
Do you guys remember the hype about Avatar one?
I felt like it was totally manufactured.
I didn't feel like there was any reason.
They still feel like it's I had friends that were in the film industry that were so excited about it.
They said it was going to be revolutionary.
It was going to change filmmaking, and this was going to be how every movie is made after it.
That's right.
Yeah.
Anyway.
All right.
Well, that's time for that.
Banger of the week.
Go see Avatar.
Banger of the week.
Here's our banger of the week this week.
Brittany Griner flees back to Russia in terror after seeing American flag.
That's a good thing.
She hates the country and the national anthem.
She sure does.
So, what do you think about that?
I'm glad she's back, but the trade was kind of bad.
Yeah, I think it's a good, it's just a bad trade.
I don't think people should hate that she's not in Russia.
Like, I saw a lot of people right saying, like, go back to Russia.
Like, no, I think I'm glad she's free.
As much as we make jokes about it, I think everybody thinks she was clearly overcharged and deserved to be and didn't deserve to be imprisoned over there like that.
This was a big deal.
But the way the negotiations went down, our government clearly got ripped off.
Why did we have a couple other people that are in prison in Russia?
Why not, if you're going to give them the arms dealer, then take all the Americans back.
Like that, there's a veteran that's there.
There's a teacher who got convicted for a pot thing too.
He's at like a work camp.
Yes.
There's that Paul Wheelen Marine.
Yeah, is that the veteran?
Yeah.
Like, why not get if you're going to do that kind of trade?
Yeah, at all.
So they're at a work camp because they did some weed.
He's at a labor camp because he accidentally brought, I think, medicinal marijuana with him when he went to Russia.
Because he, yeah.
But he's like, oh, no one cares about me because I'm a teacher.
And I'm like, no one cares about WNBA players either.
Didn't the White House specifically say that the reason was intersectionality?
I think it was.
Oh, did they really?
It was Jean-Pierre or something said, well, she is a black, you know, LGBTQ woman.
Really?
I hadn't heard that.
Oh, she's gay and she's a good person.
I might have just made that up, but I think that's what happened.
Yeah, it's a surprise.
Dan knocked three times if that was correct.
I think I heard three times.
I didn't hear anything.
Really?
I heard like fumbling around.
Maybe Dan was asleep and he's like, wait, what?
All right.
It is time for our bomb of the week.
Bomb of the week.
Husband scientists confirm minimum of 35 pieces of tape required to wrap a gift.
I wonder if it would have done better if it was just.
I'm terrible at it, and I try, like, even when I try to be good at it and I try to be, it still doesn't look good.
Still looks terrible.
And I am always judgmental of men that are good gift wrappers.
Yeah, there's something strange.
It's something weird about him.
He's a little.
They're brothers.
That's right.
How many pieces of tape are you?
I'm like, oh, you wrapped that gift pretty good, didn't you?
So much number of pieces of tape as he is like, I can't.
No, but it's like, it's not that I use way too much tape, but I don't.
It's always not even a test.
I'm trying to fold in and it's like kind of baggy.
Well, I always have one side is generally like I have to fold under.
So there's like a big, big triangle on one side.
So I have to like fold it over and then kind of roll it up and then stick it on there.
Yeah.
Emma, are you a good gift wrapper?
Yeah.
But I was good at tape, Matt.
Yeah.
Three is the gold.
Oh, you were.
You're a good gift wrapper.
It's the same thing.
Folding gifts.
So the article bombed, but very relatable.
You know, it's interesting.
My grandfather used to take every, he used to unwrap presents in a really meticulous way.
And I think it's because he came from the 30s or something like that.
But he would take a knife and he would cut through all the tape and all the sides and he would save every piece of wrapping paper so they could use it again the next year.
And it was the most irritating thing on Christmas morning because you wanted to just make it.
I like just making the pile of Christmas terror and just throw it away.
Did he use it again?
I don't think they ever did.
That's the other thing.
I'm pretty sure they just kept it in the closet.
So it's a waste.
I'm sorry.
That was a really good story.
You guys want to hear it again?
Sure.
All right, cool.
So my grandfather.
No one picked on you, Jarrett.
Yeah.
I know I'm just listening.
I was going to say, one of my favorite visual tropes that we do on the Babylon Beauty is like a scientist examining something with that juxtaposition.
I always like, there's an old onion article that says, like, scientists discover that dolphins are not so smart on land.
And they have like three scientists with clipboards, and there's a dead dolphin.
And they're just staring at it, like taking notes.
And that's always been one of my favorite.
Emma plays in an upcoming video that's coming out this week.
Oh, the science.
Emma plays a scientist examining science and stuff.
Very cool.
I was like, I thought you were going to go with Dead Dolphin.
And I was like, I don't play a dead dolphin.
Yeah, she plays a dead dolphin.
You play a very good scientist.
We have to write a sketch where Emma plays a new stuff.
Okay.
This dolphin's an idiot.
That's you.
And now it is time for our most/slash least popular segment, Sizzler Facts.
20 weeks ago, we debuted a new feature on the podcast called Sizzler Facts.
Here's this week's.
On December 13th, 2022, producer Dan Coates and director of video production, Brandon Toy, donned their favorite Sizzler t-shirts and headed over to their local Sizzler restaurant.
You won't believe what happened next.
Between the two of them, they ordered steak, shrimp, Malibu chicken, and a salad bar.
The steak was seasoned quite well, even if the cut moderately dubious.
It was significantly better than the last steak Brandon had at Fleming's.
The Malibu chicken was interesting.
Dan enjoyed his shrimps and regretted not getting an additional skewer.
Brandon was so overwhelmed by the choices at the salad bar that, after sampling a few select items, he chose to primarily focus on the main course.
Though they wore their Sizzler shirts with Sizzler pride, the half-dozen employees they interacted with cautiously averted their eyes from the Sizzler emblazoned attire and refused to call any attention to the Sizzler spirit the B crew brought forth.
Sad.
Not good.
What's really sad and not good is clearly some of our fellow employees went to Sizzler without us.
I was not invited to the future.
We were not facts.
We were not invited.
Yesterday.
That was yesterday.
Is there a Scizzler close?
When did you guys go to Sizzler yesterday?
This news says, this is devastating.
So they wore the Sizzler shirts and the Sizzler.
Is this our Sizzler Commons?
Yeah, we're making Sizzler Comments on Sizzler.
It's painful.
Don't laugh.
It's a serious segment.
I don't want to go to Sizzler ever again.
I'm actually really, I'm quite surprised that they wore the Sizzler shirts and none of the employees were like.
Yeah, like, hey, Sizzler.
That's where we are.
There's probably not a lot of Sizzler pride anymore.
I imagine that's drained over time.
Our country has really lost Sizzler pride.
I mean, even the employees passed the respect for Sizzler out there.
Yes, yes, absolutely.
My army wasn't.
That would like to destroy Sizzler.
We need a disrespect for Sizzler.
He defines a McDonald's burger as a Sizzler steak.
Hey, Brandon, did you really like the steak better than Fleming's?
Yeah, that's a bold claim.
Like, I think I've had good steak at Fleming's, and I've had okay steak at Fleming's.
I've never had a bad steak at Flemings.
So that's good steak there.
Fleming's good.
Sizzler.
Brandon is alleging that Sizzler's is better than Fleming's.
Although, here's the thing about Brandon: he has taste buds that I trust.
You know, he's got the taste.
He's got this.
He's more involved than us on the taste buds for you.
I feel like he has a better, a wider palate.
I don't trust him after this.
Well, I mean, a Sizzler steak.
But I'm curious if he just had a bad experience out of Fleming's.
Like, he just had a really bad experience.
I had a really bad customer service experience out of Flemings one time, but the steak was still fine.
I had a great wedge salad out of Fleming's.
This has been Fleming's Facts.
And now it's time for weekly news with Adam Jenser.
It's time for the weekly news with Adam Jenser.
This week, FTX founder, Crypto Creep, and real-life hobbit Sam Bankman Freed was arrested in the Bahamas and charged with one of the biggest financial frauds in U.S. history.
His victims say they just wish someone had warned them cryptocurrency was a bad investment, besides their friends, their families, their neighbors, their co-workers, their bartender, financial experts on TV, Warren Buffett, several podcasts, and most of the people they've ever met.
If he's convicted on all charges, Bankman Fried faces a maximum sentence of 115 years in prison, which means by the time he's released, he'll be almost Joe Biden's age.
Sam Bankman Freed has hired defense attorney Dave Lawyer Guy Justice.
Elon Musk is auctioning off furniture, appliances, and other items from Twitter headquarters in San Francisco.
For instance, this old couch, which is listed for $44 billion or best offer.
Former nuclear waste deputy Sam Brinton is no longer employed by the Department of Energy after they decided he just came with too much baggage.
According to a new poll, 61% of Republicans want a candidate other than Donald Trump in 2024.
And I'm one of them.
61% of me wants a candidate other than Trump, but 39% of me is like, nah, let's do Trump again.
A former Navy SEAL who was hailed by CNN for transitioning announced that he has detransitioned because it destroyed his life.
We're happy to hear he's no longer a SEAL and is human again.
James Cameron caught COVID and had to skip the Hollywood premiere of his long-awaited movie Avatar 2.
Cameron says he's feeling better and will leave the house as soon as his testosterone test comes back negative.
The Avatar premiere was held on Tuesday, but thankfully the movie is so long he may still catch the end of it.
That's it for weekly news.
Check out my stand-up special on drybarcomedy.com and see me live at Crackpots in Masslin, Ohio, December 16th and 17th.
Americans are discovering that if we want to change the nation, we have to change the way the marketplace works.
And that change starts with you, with your local communities, and with your wallet.
Be deliberate with your dollars and reject woke corporations.
Imagine a world in which every single dollar you spend would go towards companies that share your values for life, liberty, and patriotism.
Now with the Public Square app, you can.
Public SQ, or Public Square, is an app and website that connects freedom-loving Americans to the community and companies that share their values.
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Hey, thanks, Adam Jenser.
That was great.
Now it's time for our first segment.
When, oh, is this the book?
I don't you set this up.
I don't know this book.
Yeah.
It was, it's the segment is, when was the last time, especially for husbands?
So do you want to talk about the book or last time?
So 20 weeks ago, we had a segment where we did an especially for wives book that we read.
It was published in the 70s and it had advice for wives.
Some of it was good advice, and some of it was just kind of really cheesy and sappy, and some of it was bizarre.
And we actually went on eBay and procured the sequel book, yeah, especially for husbands.
Oh, yeah.
When was the last time?
And it has a very dour, serious cover of a man very thoughtfully standing in front of a brick wall.
He's got kind of a Trump look.
A little bit of that hair.
Young Trump look or something is a challenging self-improvement plan for husbands and 46 simple steps.
Okay, so the three of us are husbands, sons, and I'm the only wife, unless someone wants to.
And so I would like Emma to quiz us on when was the last time we did these things.
But you are a potential husband.
Yeah, so you fit.
Okay.
Yeah, so I'm gonna write down your responses.
Okay, we're actually gonna score it on this.
Yeah, well, no, I mean, it's like right or wrong.
Um, so it's like, just go back what you did the last week, and then especially so, yeah.
But how many times did you do this in the last month?
So, we didn't do this in the last week, no point.
So, we get no point.
Oh, this is not a good thing.
I feel like it's last time.
Well, I don't know how you do it.
Can we do it the last three weeks or less?
It's competitive.
And whoever do you want to do last two weeks?
Last month.
Let's just call it a month.
That's a long time.
Well, ask a question.
We'll see if it makes sense.
Yeah.
Okay.
Of course, 17-year marriage.
A month is not very long.
Okay.
When was the last time I asked my wife for a date?
Huh?
Monday.
It's probably been a couple weeks, two, three weeks.
So is that a point for Jared then?
So that's that means I just asked her.
It doesn't mean that I took her out.
It doesn't say you have to take her.
Your wife turned you down for a date.
Hey, would you go out with me?
No.
No.
I see us as just friends.
You want to go off?
I don't feel that way about you.
How many times do I have to tell you?
We've been living together for a while.
We have four children.
Oh, should we start going steady?
Start going steady.
I'm not.
So, for Adam, should it be like, how many times should you do this in two weeks?
How many times did I ask girls out and get rejected in the last week?
How many times?
No, like, when was the last time you asked a girl out?
When was the last time I asked a girl?
Oh, that's an interesting question.
Probably like two or three weeks, maybe.
The same as me in the American.
Dennis Berger wants to know.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is your wife here with us now?
Is your wife here with us now?
I don't really feel like that's happening in Ms. Breger's.
I feel like it's pretty good.
Okay.
We can just agree to agree to discuss.
Okay.
When was the last time I complimented my wife in front of the children?
Oh, I would say pretty often.
This morning.
Yeah.
I would say this late morning.
So how many times have you done that in the last two weeks?
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
Gee, three.
Five.
Three.
I've probably done it.
X plus one, where X is whatever Jared says.
Plus one.
I'd say a few times.
I'm trying to be honest about this.
I think I've to think that hard about it.
No, it's been about three or four times, but I'm trying to think if you're not.
We should have brought the wives in.
We should have brought the wives in for us.
Yeah, let's see.
That would have been better because then they could say no.
I'm making it up, you know.
You always overestimate when you do things that are good.
All right.
Okay, Adam, what's the correct answer?
I think, well, for me, it's zero because I don't trying to think when was the last time I complimented a girl in front of children.
You know, you have an opportunity on Friday.
Did they have kids?
She's pretty smoking that, right?
Did they have kids?
Hey, or was it just other people?
Your mom.
Your mom looks really good.
Get a load of this broad.
Hey, how's your mom, kid?
Oh, man.
All right.
I'm going to compliment someone else's wife in front of their children.
Hey, kids, your mom's pretty good looking.
Hey, hey.
Hey, Kyle, you ever noticed?
Anyway.
So the next one is: when was the last time I asked my wife for her opinion on a decision I had to make?
Oh, last night.
What was the decision?
Jared, we need to fact check Jared's.
Yeah, he's a little, he's being a little too eager with me.
No, it's because Christina and I legitimately have to debrief every day just because of the type of person I am.
And so every conversation that I have when I get home, I have to have at least an hour conversation with Christina just to process everything.
So just because I'm that kind of person.
Well, what was the decision?
It was a decision that you made?
You know, there's a couple.
One of them is a car that we're working on, trying to get, and we're deciding to go with a Kia instead of a Toyota.
So that's one good example.
There's a bunch of other things.
What cars do you buy in like a given month?
Well, it's been.
I feel like you're constantly buying a new one.
It's been a busy, it's been a busy day.
Hey, guys, I'm selling my car and I'm buying a new one.
And it's just constantly.
You know, it's nothing like my neighbor.
He gets a new truck about every two weeks.
So I'm always amazed.
How many times in the last two weeks?
Have I got a car?
No, have you asked your wife an opinion about a decision yet?
Oh, I would say 20, 24.
My problem with that is I don't know if I've asked my wife for her opinion ever.
I don't know if I've ever let her speak.
No, I don't know if I've ever asked her opinion.
Like, it would be more like we're making a decision together and not.
Yeah.
I have a decision I need to make.
What's your thoughts?
Okay, Kyle gets five points because that's the correct answer.
No, no, I would say that's more of a better characterization of the conversation.
Don't try to take my, it's a partnership.
It is a strange thing where like you're assuming that the man is making all the decisions.
Like I have to make decisions.
That's how it says it.
What is your opinion?
Jarrett looks at Emma.
You know how you're always assuming the man is making the decisions.
I was pointing at the book.
You know how it works.
No, you have it.
Okay, Adam, who's correct in this?
Who's correct?
Yeah.
So I got zero points completely unclear.
It's completely unclear what you're specifically doing.
Yeah, I don't have to do that.
That's a bunch of BS.
Don't look at the game shows that we make it happen.
What happened in relationships?
I'll ask the girl I'm seeing for advice on decisions sometimes.
How does it work out?
Usually good.
I value that input.
What was your answer to this, Kyle?
I said that.
That it's like a joint decision, kind of thing.
I didn't like the way the question was phrased because I couldn't think of a time where I'm like, I must make this decision alone.
I'm going to say Jarrett.
I'll give Jarrett points for this.
Thank you.
Just because you were confused.
Mostly because I wasn't paying attention to it.
Well, and also it's 20.
Every time I talk, we're making a decision together.
So I don't know.
I can't write down 20.
You're saying zero.
And that is not a good answer.
You're not supposed to look yet.
Who's lying?
What are the rules here?
I don't even.
All right.
This is Emma's.
And I somehow went from giving answers to I'm the arbiter.
If you're part of the judge between us.
What would be your answer then?
How often do you have to do that?
I haven't at all in the last two weeks, but when I have been in relationships, I would say it's fairly regular that once a week?
Once or twice a month, I would say.
Is she allowed to talk?
If I give her permission.
But it's just her opinion.
Okay, when's the last time I asked one of my children out for Coke and conversation?
What kind of Coke are we talking about?
Yeah.
I don't like how this question is phrased.
It looks like it's just a little bit of a chance.
I especially don't like this one because I'm single.
I haven't asked any kids out for Coke and Conversation.
When's the last time you asked a kid out for Coke and College?
Oh, I asked six kids this week if they wanted to hang out.
They all ran.
I just want to talk to them and have a Coke.
Hey, kid, you want a Coke?
I got some Coke in the van.
I'm not sure about asking a kid out for Coke.
I don't think it's applying like asking.
I took my son and my two middle sons to Knott's Berry Farm last week.
So that counts.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
It happens all the time.
I would say I don't do the, I haven't done the one at one time with the children as much as I should.
It's probably been a good month or two before since I've been like, hey, do you want to have a Coke?
Have a Coke.
You want to crack open a Coke.
I really do that with my Coke.
I'm talking about life.
My favorite song.
Yeah.
I think that's good to do.
I'll feel like they're the favorite.
I'll do things with the kids in the house, like jam on the guitar with Sam or play a video game with them or, you know, stuff like that.
I admittedly need to work on that.
Yeah.
I hang out with all of them.
I give myself zero points.
I give myself zero points.
I gave you zero points, James.
I've already decided.
She gave me zero points for money.
What did my wife think?
Because you said 20.
So I'm like, no way, as a victim.
You busted.
You went over.
Oh, it's probably more.
It's actually probably more than that, I would say.
All right, what's the next one?
Is that on the decision one?
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, that might be because, like, a woman, I would think, wants you to ask advice on some things, but it's bad if you're just constantly.
I don't know what to do.
Yeah, you need to learn.
You know what it is?
Because I think they need to be led with a firm hand.
Legitimately says, you know, here's what we're going to do.
It's legitimately a conversation.
Every decision we make is always joint.
I never make a decision on my own, so I don't know.
Okay, what number between one and three do you want me to change the zero to?
No, just leave it at 20.
No, you're the decider.
So when was the last time I babysat so my wife could go out and have a night out?
That's a constant thing.
Monday.
And I will also say that I offer it more than she actually takes me up on.
See, you're better than me on this.
I'm going to give you both a half.
I think you're not babysitting.
It's your own kids.
Christina.
It's another 1970s.
I do hate when guys.
You're not babysitting.
I'm babysitting tonight.
I'm like, you produced the children.
You made them.
Yeah.
No, I legitimately.
I think I. That's a good point, Amethyst.
Christina goes out with her friends.
Thank you for calling us out on that.
That's true.
Christina goes out with her friends about once or twice a month.
And that's yeah.
When's the last time you babysat?
She'll be fine.
I did, but I imagine if I was married and like my wife wanted to go out, I'd love to stay home with the kids, but still have the babysitter come over.
Depends on the babysitter.
All right, sorry.
Bring the babysitter over for coke and conversation.
Yeah, coke and conversation.
When was the last time you asked the babysitter out to coke?
Oh my gosh.
Sad.
What do we got next?
I found a good one, but I lost it.
Oh.
When's the last time you lost a page in a book that you were?
When's the last time I kissed my wife without sex as the object?
Oh, like this morning?
Strange.
I don't think I ever do that.
I have evolved beyond your human desires for sex.
I'm giving Jared a negative.
That's always.
Okay.
That's always where you're hoping it goes.
I don't think, but I don't think I'll take a zero on that.
I think in a marriage, a kiss is rarely the luck.
That's rarely the thing that kicks off the adventures.
You know what I mean?
It's rarely the inciting incident.
I don't think.
I don't know what you mean.
I think you need to explain it to the audience.
Yeah.
Kyle and his wife initiate like they do in Avatar.
They wrap their hair.
They wrap their hairs together.
It's when our hair touches.
I don't know why this is embarrassing.
If I want to have an escapade, I'm not going to go like my wife's washing dishes or something.
I'm not going to just go like thinking that that's it again.
The look would say more than the action.
You can't give her the look.
I'm not going to tell you guys what I do.
And that wasn't like an initiating sex kiss.
It was like, oh, that didn't go anywhere.
I like that the book assumes that every time you kiss, it's just for one person.
Well, that's what that's the default.
That's what I'm saying.
Is that kisses accurate?
Kisses are.
Let me joke, but actually last Saturday that happened.
So that was one.
That was one time.
I gave you a negative 0.5.
Me?
Okay.
No, Jarrett.
I gave Kyle a two.
I need to go.
I got two and he got negative.
I need to go completely random weeding of the points.
All right, let's do a few more here.
Okay, okay.
Let's see.
Okay, when was the last time I fixed a meal?
Like one that she broke?
I like that.
The last time I cooked was a while ago.
I don't really.
I barbecue once.
I'll barbecue.
I'll barbecue.
Yeah.
I'll offer to barbecue.
I barbecue on Fridays usually.
I'll make food for the kids.
Like if one of them's like, I'm hungry, I'll microwave them some ramen.
As long as they like some, like a quesadilla.
Eat your quesadilla.
I would say, Amothy, that it has been several months since I have like done the barbecuing or something.
So I do the barbecue.
Jared claims once a week.
No, I did.
Yeah, I've cooked fish last Friday.
I do a lot of stuff in a week.
I do.
It's because I like my wife and I have a good marriage.
Okay, Jared.
You said you said that once or twice?
Once in the last week, but twice in the last two weeks.
Okay.
Two in the last three weeks.
Kyle.
Probably three.
Adam, do you like to cook?
You see what I'm saying?
No, you seriously.
The last time I cooked a full meal was probably about a month ago.
I used to like cooking a lot.
I still enjoy cooking, but I've gotten with my work schedule so in the habit of eating out all the time that I just don't.
But it's something I used to cook multiple times a week, either for myself or, you know, when I had roommates or I'm home with my family.
Yeah.
But lately, I'd say it's been a month since I've cooked a whole lot.
Do you feel like you're a good, a good person?
I feel like I'm good at the few things that I know, but it's something that I would like to get better at.
What's your best dish?
There's a balsamic mushroom chicken dish that I can make that's really good.
And at the holidays, there's a broccoli and cheese casserole that I make that's really good.
I love those.
Man, I love a casserole.
Do you feel comfortable eating at a restaurant alone?
Yeah, definitely.
Do you eat out at the restaurant or do you go home?
Usually eat out at the restaurant.
I have a lot of friends in my neighborhood, so I get dinner a lot with friends, but I have no problem at all eating alone at a restaurant.
And I like sitting at a bar.
I always like, if I'm by myself, whether I find other people to talk to there or not.
I'm out on a work trip.
I love sitting at a bar.
If I'm out of a work trip or something, I don't mind.
I love finding out a local place and sitting by myself.
Yeah, I do too.
It's nice.
I always end up making friends.
I've never been self-conscious.
I've never been self-conscious about it.
I know some people feel weird going out to a restaurant and eating by themselves.
I've never had a problem with that.
I feel really weird.
I'll sit down and I'll see the people across me and be like, hey, what are you guys doing here?
I know you do.
You guys come here a lot?
Yeah.
We were standing in line at that Vegas buffet and you made friends with everyone around us.
Yeah, well, those were interesting people.
They were roller derby people.
I know, and they were all wearing like well clothes.
They were like the women that you would characterize like on our sketches.
They were blue hair, shaved out, all tatted up, like, you know, and they were all from roller derby.
Very interesting.
So that's why I talked to you.
When was the last one?
When was the last time you met someone in Vegas?
I told my wife I loved her more than my mother.
Never.
Never.
It's just a weird statement.
I think that's a.
It's very different.
Honey.
It's a different kind of love.
Yeah.
I love you more than my mother.
More than my mother?
I don't like that.
More than your mother.
Yeah.
Do you love your wife more than your mother?
It's a weird way to frame it.
Yeah.
The love you have for your mother is different than the love you have for yourself.
Lewis would categorize these loves differently.
Emma, how would you feel if your husband looked you in the eye and said, Emma, I love you more than my mother?
I would be really happy about that.
Would you really?
You wouldn't find it a weird statement?
It'd be a weird statement, but it's like, I don't know.
At least you won.
At least it's kind of Emma.
I love it.
It's my motherboard.
Right.
It's kind of an edible thing.
It's that alternate.
As opposed to that alternate, it's funny.
This reminds me of Oedipus Rex.
It's a very strange thing.
It's very Oedipal.
Yeah.
I mean, if his mother has to live with us in the future, you know, I don't want to compete for love.
Boy.
Well.
Are you listening to this, Mark?
What else do you want to know about him?
All right.
Let's do one more.
Here we go.
When was the last time I gave my wife $20 and told her to spend it on herself?
Go get it.
Don't spend it all in one place.
All in one place.
You know, $20 is quite a bit of money.
A lot back in the day.
In the 70s, we're talking like 100.
Did you do like inflation calculator, inflation?
Inflation calculator from 780 bucks.
What year is that man?
1978, I think.
Okay, 1978.
I would say that I almost never do this because she just has the bank cards and 1978.
But I will tell her, like, do you want to go get your nails done or something?
Go ahead and I'll watch the kids.
I'll be there.
Does she ask you of like, oh, is it okay if I buy this thing?
And she probably doesn't ask me, and she just buys it.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So in 1978, the equivalent of $20 is about $91.
About $100.
That was, yeah, that's what I was assuming.
I don't know.
It's funny.
Now I want you guys to go to homework and go, hey, honey, here's $91.
Exactly.
Go buy yourself something.
Go buy yourself something nice, sweetie.
Go to the TJ Maxx.
If you want to do one more, better than Ross.
Okay.
This is fun.
This is a fun game.
I'm still not clear on the rules.
I'm not with the scoring system.
Ada's probably going to beat us.
It was the best husbands.
It's probably true.
I've been pulling out negative points.
Oh, yeah.
No.
I definitely have Aries to grow.
I don't remember what it was.
Oh, it was like when you said, I have never done that ever.
That's when I gave you negative.
It was a kiss question.
Like making decisions.
No, it was something else.
Because you gave me a zero for that, too.
I like this question.
I'll mention it, but I don't want it to be the question.
It's when was the last time I took my wife for a walk?
But let's do this question.
Like on a leash.
Okay, this question is: when was the last time there's so many directions?
And none of them are good.
Not that kind of really.
It can go in so many directions.
Is this a Balenciaga thing?
Go for a walk?
She's scratching at the door.
Does she want to go out?
We typically just crazy.
When's the last time I called my wife from work and told her she was special?
Yesterday.
I'm serious.
You did not call your wife from work and say, no, you are special.
We all heard him.
He didn't know.
That was more.
Yelling.
Honey, period, you are special.
Period.
Also, comma.
Can you pick up some milk on the way home?
I can babysit for you later.
I'll babysit.
I talked to him.
Would you like $91 to go to TJ Max?
I'm constantly texting my wife at work, but I don't specially do it just to say you're special.
But I will say, how was your day?
How are you doing?
That means the same thing.
I would say that's a very specific.
Updates of like when I think I'll be leaving, you know, that kind of stuff.
Yeah, this is before the love languages, too.
So you got to imagine like every woman is going to hear something different.
So if I call Christina and be like, okay, how are the kids?
How's everything going?
That is me saying, you're special or I love you.
If it's like, you know, you have to specifically say you're special.
So I don't get any points then for that.
I haven't said you're special.
I didn't give you any points.
I did like this.
Well, you can't.
Don't worry.
I feel like there's kind of like a vindictive comparison going on.
I'm not sure.
I did like this question.
I did.
Mad at Mark.
When's the last time?
I'm not mad at Mark.
I'm kidding.
When's the last time I did not throw the past up to my wife?
And then it's him leaning over.
I did not throw the past up to my wife.
I think it's like bringing up.
I didn't bring up women do that to men.
Men do that.
Throw the past to women.
Hold on, calm down for a second.
Woman's favorite pastor.
Please grab the past.
I love how the picture is like he's mad over a car accident.
Like there's a smashed up car and he's like, you just know.
She's like, don't bring that up.
That's in the past.
It was 10 minutes ago.
And that's a weird way to frame that too.
Like, when's the last time you didn't?
Like, right now?
Wouldn't it be like a picture of somebody dating someone else or something like that?
A picture of the old girlfriend.
But I thought this was funny.
The self-evaluation that you can do at the end of the book is to rate yourself between zero and four of how many times you did those things in the last year.
Oh, in the last year.
That's crazy.
They didn't put a lot of expectations on Meta.
It's like you didn't babysit.
I've been to my wife four times in the past year.
Perfect score.
Perfect score.
That's amazing.
You're doing great.
I don't want to tally this, though.
But I think we should, you know, follow up with the wives and see.
Yeah, I think it's a good idea.
Maybe let's not start.
We probably have our Valentine's Day episode coming up soon.
We could bring the wives in.
You got to find a date for that.
Yeah, find a date.
I'm going to love for you to get it like an internet, like an app date or something.
It'd be fun to do a first time, first of all.
Do you want to come on my podcast?
That would be fun.
That would be amazing.
That would be so funny.
And it's like only two people are here and we won't take on it.
It could be very fun or it could be very bad.
It would be bad for the future of the relationship that you're starting.
Would you ask them personally?
You have a great story.
One place I worked at, a guy, he was gay.
He brought a first-time date to the office holiday party.
Oh, man.
A first-time date.
Yeah.
That's pretty ballsy.
Yeah.
Do you want to know who won?
Yes.
I assume Kyle.
I think Jarrett won.
Oh, okay.
Good job, Jarrett.
I don't know.
I think Kyle.
What was the numbers?
Do we have a final score that we can put on the screen?
Well, now I have to do the math and figure out that I was wrong.
Let's see, four.
I'll tell you.
You know what makes for good radio?
Kyle lost by one.
Kyle got eight.
Jarrett got nine.
Okay.
What did Adam get?
Ten.
I didn't really keep out of it.
You had to make up a score for me.
What do you think it would be?
Ten.
Oh, so he did win.
No.
That's only because you're winning by one.
Okay, eight.
Don't get fooled yourself.
All right, guys.
Well, this has been especially for husbands.
Maybe we'll find some more books in the series.
I think there's a parents one, which I'm excited to read, especially for parents.
I want to be judged.
And yeah, this will be a good time.
Treasure in Heaven is great, but it's not going to buy you a tank of gas.
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We're going to move on to our second segment.
A few weeks ago, 20 weeks ago, Kevin Conroy passed away.
Yes, the best Batman of all time, Kevin Batman.
And we brought up at the time that someone had rapid fire ninja edited his Wikipedia page and Adam found this.
Yeah, so I got a brief screen grab of this before it was changed.
Right the day that Kevin Conroy died, someone had chain edited the end of his Wikipedia bio in the opening to say he is no longer among us.
And then they changed his name to Kevin Batman.
Capital K, lowercase.
And I've been laughing about this for weeks.
It does make me laugh so much.
I don't know why.
And he's one of the animated Batmans.
He's not us.
He was never on camera as Batman.
I just wanted to give his whole name to Kevin Batmat with lowercase B.
It's like one of the very one of one of many things he probably did in his life.
Yeah, that was what he's known about.
It's funny because it's not clever or sincere enough to be someone who is like trying to really.
It's just silly.
That's why it's funny.
It's stupid.
Somebody's a well-meaning person that was like, oh, I'm going to be the first one.
First one.
I don't know his last name.
What's his last name?
And I wonder whether they were trying to do that or if it was.
I've never edited a Wikipedia page if they typed in something in the wrong box and then hit approve and was supposed to send Kevin.
That's a lowercase B too, so I wonder.
His name's Kevin Batman.
Or it's like when you take somebody's phone number into your phone, you don't know their last name.
So you like write what you know them from.
Like I did that when I first met Bettina.
Yeah.
I said Bettina Babylon B. That's her name in my phone to this day.
I think that's actually her last name, though.
Yes, that's actually been the line still makes me laugh.
I don't know if it says funny when I just say it by standalone, but when you read the whole bio, it's very silly.
And it says he voiced Batman in the critically acclaimed Batman Arkham and Injustice video games.
He is no longer among us.
He's no longer among us.
With no period.
You know, I auditioned for the Arkham Batman.
Did you?
Yes, I did.
We were up against Kevin Batman.
Kevin Batman got it.
And I was wondering why, but I think it's because he had a last name.
That was his last name.
That's Kevin Batman here to read for the role of Batman.
But this inspired us to look up other.
I couldn't find the screenshot, but I was mentioning these other guys.
When I was in high school, we always used to look up weird stuff on Wikipedia, and I looked up the soda knockoff called Mountain Breeze.
It was a Mountain Dew knockoff.
And someone had edited the Wikipedia page.
It was like, oh, it was similar to this.
It was like, oh, this is a generic product made by Safeway, blah, blah, blah.
And then it goes to be best, it is best experienced if you climb the tallest mountain and shout, I can handle the Mountain Breeze.
And I think about it quite often.
Like once a week, I think about this, and nobody knows it.
And I couldn't find it on the Wayback Machine.
I might have made it up, but in my head, it was like the funniest thing ever.
So it inspired us to go look for other changes.
Other funny Wikipedia editors.
And I think we got some of these from Board Panda, which does some of these compilation lists, probably some other websites.
So there's our attribution.
And here we go.
So an old revision of the Batman Wikipedia page changed the whole page to simply read.
Batman.
Batman.
Oh, that's a good one.
Sort of from Charlie Shades Wikipedia page.
Someone briefly edited it to say at the top: Charlie Shane born September 3rd, 1965, is half mad, half cocaine.
Oh, no.
Okay.
I think the first law, this is a good one.
Oh, this is great.
The first law, it's the first law of thermodynamics.
Okay, this is from Wikipedia.
The first law of thermodynamics is you did not talk about thermodynamics.
I like the idea of someone looking this up for their school paper.
I would love if someone actually used it.
They're like, I don't know the right one.
Write it down.
Oh, man.
So, Emma Stone, Emily Jean Stone, is a hot American actress with a beautiful smile.
In 1987, she fell out of the sky as an angel.
Like, it's a historical event.
I like that she was born in 1988, but it's late in 1988.
Born in 1988, but fell out of the sky in 1987.
Oh, this is good.
This is from the Wikipedia page for the French armed forces.
It basically just said, did you mean coward?
And it linked to the page on coward.
Yeah, it's a blue, the blue word coward.
It's a hyperlink.
That's so funny.
Here's one list of serial killers ranked by number of victims.
And it says this list is incomplete.
You can help by expanding it.
Please do not expand the list by killing people.
I love that.
That's like a good note to actually have on there, maybe.
Ooh, Mariah Carey, this is going to be fun.
Where am I reading?
Okay, so Mariah Carey, it's her official page.
She was born March 27th, 1969, or March 27, 1970, age 47 or 48 in Huntington, New York.
She died December 31st, 2016.
Cause of death, embarrassment.
What happened that day?
Oh, was there something that was she had a mic fail, lip sync.
Oh, it's like a big thing where she died of embarrassment.
Oh, that's funny.
Who is this, Janice Joplin?
Janice Joplin.
So Janice Lynn Joplin speedwalked everywhere and was afraid of towels.
I think it says toilets.
Or toilets.
Then below that, it says that she's from Texas who sped walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets.
Okay, my favorite.
Okay, there's the last one.
And then at the bottom, did you know that Janice Joplin speedwalked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?
Okay, so I wonder if there's any truth to that.
What is this?
Is there a reference to a song or something that is that is supposed to be a joke?
I think it just made it up.
I think they made it up.
Okay, my favorite Janice Joplin story that was from 30 Rock.
Do you guys remember this?
I don't.
So in 30 Rock, they made it.
What's her name?
The blonde lady.
She was making a TV show about Janice Joplin, but they couldn't get the rights to the name Janice Joplin.
And so they went through a bunch of different ones and finally they landed on that.
They're like, the closest thing we could get was Jackie Jorpjomp.
So I'm playing Jackie Jorpjomp.
That's the best, dude.
Here's one from the Wikipedia page for Sarah Silverman.
The photo caption says Silverman at the 2016 Democratic National Convention, and it's a frog inflating its air sack to just replace the picture.
That's really good.
Okay, so this guy says, I got banned from Wikipedia for making all the verbs on the Ray Romano page hypothetical.
So it says Robert Raymond Romano could be an American.
He might have been known for his role on the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, for which he could have received an Emmy Award and is the voice of Manny in the Ice Age film series.
He may have created and starred the TNT comedy drama Men of a Certain Age from 2012 to 2015.
Romano could have possibly had a recurring role in Paris.
Gosh, that's funny.
Adam Boyd, two new photos.
Okay, so last night I went to see a band, but we got in late and our view was shite in my drunken state.
I edited the band's Wikipedia page to say I was family and it worked.
I got into the roped off VIP area because of it.
I wonder if that's an interesting concept.
Look, here's the band.
Oh, this is the Sherlocks released their first.
Okay, so they released their first single live for the moment in 2014, influenced by main vocalist Kieran Crooks cousin Adam Boy.
You mix up a whole backstory for himself inspired the greatest.
That's very funny.
Good for that guy.
I don't know.
Here's one about the number of extant species of various things.
Oh, invertebrate, they vertebrate species.
So invertebrate species as insects, snails, crabs, 47,000 arachnids.
You scroll down, horseshoe crabs, four, Paul Ryan, one as an invertebrate species.
That's funny.
Oh, that's good.
I don't understand.
This one is a physics tube without tubes.
Like, what does a tube refer to?
And it gives several examples, like structural tubes, inner tubes, pneumatic tubes.
And then it says snakes, long frog tubes.
I'm now referring to snakes as long frog tubes.
I'm so scared of long frog tubes.
I don't know if this is actually a Wikipedia editor, just a really weird caption, but it says for the entry for sadness, and it goes on, sadness is emotional pain, characterized despair.
And the picture entry is a kid crying.
And the caption for it is a child crying because his hot dog fell on the ground.
Just like an old specific caption, I guess.
What is this one?
This is state slogans.
List of U.S. state slogans.
Someone edited it to actually have not true slogans.
Oh, so they're all Alabama's is Alabama roll-tide baby jump in my truck with me and my sister wife.
What are some of the funnels?
California, Eureka, the state where all bad teen dramas come from.
That's true.
That's true.
Connecticut is what?
Colorado, we got loads of pot bra.
Brah.
Idaho, Tater's got a tate, tate, tate.
Tater's gonna tate, I like Indiana's honest to goodness, Indiana.
All right, uh, that's good.
I need to admit something.
This guy tweeted.
I need to admit something.
Every time I'm drunk, I make Missouri slightly larger on its Wikipedia and the picture of Missouri is slowly progrowing into the neighboring states.
That's a great.
Oh man, that's funny.
Someone edited Barack Obama's page to say that he is a puppet of Columbia University.
Just changed it to puppet, I guess.
Suspected pirates.
This is a picture of it.
It looks like a bunch of pirates and a bunch of Haiti people from Haiti are crossing the pond or something.
Suspected pirates keep their hands in the air like they just don't care.
As directed by the guided missile cruiser, U.S. has fell at golf.
Someone just added, as like they just don't care.
Like they just don't care.
All right, well, that's good.
If you know any funny Wikipedia edits, send them our way.
Maybe we'll show.
I got to look up that one quick with the penguin that I oh, yeah, you mentioned one.
I hadn't seen this one.
Penguin Antarctic.
Well, I have to, I don't have it on me.
We should have looked it up.
Okay.
Said.
That's cool.
All right.
Well, we are now moving.
There's a great, I'll explain it.
We'll put in the picture for you.
So there's this Wikipedia page.
It's about some Antarctic explorers.
And the photo is an old black and white historical photo of a guy playing bagpipes, and there's a penguin on the ice next to him.
And someone edited, it used to say whatever the guy's name is.
It says here he is playing bagpipes next to a lone disinterested penguin.
And then someone put after his name, like so-and-so left, plays bagpipes.
I love that.
One of the greatest edits.
I've seen memes like that, like where the dad's like, oh, this is my daughter, and then there's like a dog, and it's like, daughter left.
And the dog.
It's funny.
All right, now it is time for hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
All right, here's a comment on our Apocalypse Brothers sketch, which you should go check out on YouTube.
This was divisive.
It was a very some people loved it and wanted a series out of it, and some people hated it.
Yeah, I didn't see too much hate, so I'm interested with it.
Michael Gary, 1872 says, Sorry, but I hate this.
It's blasphemous, it mocks God.
And the implied incest, you with Sodomite relationship makes me want to vomit.
I'm unsubscribed.
I think the description of that relationship made me want to vomit.
There's no implied incest.
They're brothers.
Yeah, they're brothers.
They're brothers.
We made it.
Have a show together.
We made it very clear what's in the world.
I don't know what's in his head.
Yeah, get your head out of the gutter, dude.
SolarSean wrote, This is by far the all caps lamest video you have ever done.
Okay.
Lamest comment I've heard.
I can think of a few that were lamer.
So Neon Trapa James.
No entropy.
No entropy.
Yeah, I wouldn't have gotten that.
I wouldn't have gotten it.
This video made me overdose on fentanyl.
Then how did you write that?
One thumbs up.
Someone else also.
Yeah.
And finally, David Cole.
What does this guy say?
He said, not your best.
Keep trying.
Oh, thank you.
That's nice.
Oh, that's not terrible hate mail.
That wasn't hate, hate.
It's encouraging.
Thanks for joining us on the Babylon Bee podcast, guys.
We are going to move into the subscriber lounge.
For anybody who has money, go to babylonbee.com slash plans.
You can subscribe and join us for more fun stuff, bonus hate mail, and subscriber headlines and all kinds of fun stuff.
Here we go.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
I've been told by women that the bare shoulder areas on dudes can cause sin.
Not gonna lie.
Is it for women that it's causing sin, or does he have a confession?
Like, not gonna lie.
I just heard like for some women that I know, other people.
For other people, it might be.
His friend that I know says that he might be struggling because of this video.
This has been another edition of the Be Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee, reminding you that fake news of the people, by the people,