The Bee Weekly: Redefining Recession and The Quest For A Third Joke
Enjoy an 82% discount and 3 months free with the most trusted VPN provider, Private Internet Access at our link: https://www.privateinternetaccess.com/offer/TheBabylonBee_v12qjfi The Babylon Bee talks about the news this past week, gives the latest update on its search for a third joke, and says goodbye to intern Claire. Very sad! Also, no one in the Biden administration can tell us what a recession is now that it seems like we are definitely in one! Not good! This episode is brought to you by our wonderful sponsors who you should absolutely check out: Get yourself some gold! It's a no-brainer with Allegiance Gold: https://allegiancegold.com/bee Check out the Fight Laugh Feast conference: http://fightlaughfeast.com Meditate on God's Word With The Abide app (25% off): https://abide.co/babylon Kyle, Emma, and Claire answer a subscriber dare from Jennie and provide some obscure but positive facts about PA. They also see what jokes are performing well or not on the site and have another fascinating edition of Sizzler Facts. Bee Radio with Austin Robertson makes a return and Weakly News carries on despite Adam's overly long vacation. Where has he gotten to? Kyle takes the show through some unused headlines at The Bee before saying goodbye to intern Claire. So sad! Then Cindy wonders how we can be Christians and drink booze while another commenter theorizes that The Bee is a Jewish conspiracy! What? Babylon Bee subscribers get more of the show in the full-length, ad-free version where Claire answers the second ten questions, subscribers have a chance at hearing their headline submissions be read, and the Bee reacts to some bonus hate mail over their mostly praised video game segment from last week.To get the full show, go to: http://babylonbee.com/plans
The GDP numbers are coming out, and here's why they don't matter.
We talk about some unused headlines here at the Babylon Bee.
We're still searching for that third joke.
Our intern is leaving us, so we invited her to sit down for a chat, and now Travis has to take podcast notes like some kind of chump.
All this in moron.
The Bee Weekly.
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Welcome everyone to the Bee Weekly.
This person to my right is Emma.
Hello.
Hello, Emma.
Hello.
Hi.
Thanks for having me.
We keep getting feedback that people don't know who people are.
So why don't you say a few lines so people can memorize Emma's voice?
Okay, my name is Emma.
I work here sometimes, most of the time, like Monday through Friday.
And that's my voice.
Okay.
And then this person over here to my left is Claire.
She's our intern for, well, when you listen to this podcast, you will basically no longer be our intern.
Hi, I'm Emma.
Which is very sad.
And if you're an intern in the Southern California area, if you're a full-time intern, come work for us because we need you.
So, Claire, why don't you say a few lines so people can memorize your voice?
My name is Claire.
I'm not Emma.
I've never been Emma.
I don't like Emma, and that's why I'm leaving the Bee.
Wow.
So come work at the B. We'll hate you.
Yes.
There's some tension in the air here that I'm feeling.
But I think it's good that we're getting this out now.
And I think this is going to be a good healing session for us.
It's been 10 weeks of just seething rage under these eyes.
I can't believe it's come to an end.
We did finally get to play Dungeons and Dragons.
That was great.
I drew a picture.
Travis has it.
Oh, did you?
Yeah.
Okay, I can't wait to see this picture that you've drawn.
Now, was this a picture of what was happening in the game, or was this us sitting around the table?
So, no, good question.
It is.
No.
Yeah, it was what was happening in the game.
So it's Travis getting bone dust poofed onto him.
You are like kind of above everyone in clouds.
You look menacing.
I can't wait to see this.
This sounds awesome.
Dan's drinking puddle water.
Things that happened in the game, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So just things that happened, really.
Well, that's awesome.
We also get to do some random Claire quotes.
And Claire can explain the context in which he used these quotes over the past 10 weeks.
But we also have a subscriber there, so let's do that.
This is Subscriber Dare.
Here's a message.
Hi, Kyle, Adam, and BB crew.
I want to thank you for being such a great podcast.
You're welcome.
And bringing joy into my life for over last year.
In March 2022, I started to suffer from bad anxiety, and I had to start therapy.
I am now under care of church counselor and family doctor for Hashimoto's, which has caused anxiety.
I'm not laughing at you.
I was trying to track.
In late June, I finally found courage to write my first headline and found a real community on Babylon B and Not the B. May I request a subscriber dare to get my husband to subscribe.
This is two parts.
Number one, wish Jim, my husband, happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Jim.
On July 30th.
Happy birthday.
And Adam and I are from the same state.
Can Adam come up with five obscure but positive facts about Pennsylvania?
Thank you again, Jenny.
Well, we have done this for you.
Who came up with these?
Was this Adam?
I came up with them.
Amma came up with it.
Because you're also from Pennsylvania.
I'm also from Pennsylvania, known as the locals as PA exclusively.
Did they say PA?
They only, I only say PA.
I'm from PA.
You can tell if someone is actually from PA if they only say PA.
They say the first time I've heard you say PA.
Because you guys don't get it.
That's true.
Like if I say PA, you just think physician's assistant or like production assistant.
They say that in that thing you do because they're from Pennsylvania.
They say it's Tom Hanks' directorial debut.
It's a great movie.
It's a wonderful movie.
His second directing, bad, bad movie.
Oh, what was his second directing?
The one where he's in the plane and the world is ending.
That one sucked.
Oh, I don't know that one.
Was that recent?
Sully?
No.
The second one?
The world wasn't ending.
The world's not ending.
The plane is ending.
The plane's flight is coming to an abrupt apocalypse.
But so the first positive, the first obscure fact about Pennsylvania is that that's where the band The Wonders is from in that thing you do.
That's not like yeah, okay, that's bonus.
But yeah, so like Adam and I are both from Pennsylvania, and it turns out that we grew up only 30 minutes away.
He was in like the shadier part of town and I was in the woods.
But which is the nicer part.
It's a different kind of shade in the woods.
Yeah, nicer part of town.
Number one is Pungsatauni, PA, is home to the world-famous weather forecasting Groundhog.
Isn't it Pungxatoni?
It's Pungsata.
Pungsatani.
I'm not from that part.
I only go on the east side, but I don't feel like this is that obscure.
I feel like I'm not.
When the Groundhog shows his shadow, like that.
Yeah, there was a movie about that.
It's a cool fact.
I'm just saying it's not that obscure.
Like there was a Bill Murray movie about it.
But it's okay.
Yeah.
I guess it's not obscure.
Okay, what's number two?
The second one is: according to Pennsylvania state law, it is illegal to sing in the bathtub according to 55 PA code 3800.6.
That's obscure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it says obscure, but positive facts.
What makes this fact positive?
Isn't it obvious?
It's good that some people can't sing in the bathroom.
You know, like, it would be good for me not to be.
You can sing next to a bathtub.
Like, when you leave the bathtub, you can sing next to it.
So it's positive because you shouldn't spend that long in a bathtub.
It'll dehydrate you.
So if you're in there just singing.
That's why you get wrinkly.
I think.
Pennsylvanians against wrinkles.
Okay.
Anyway, I wasn't told these had to be obscure or positive.
But number three is a comedy podcast.
Okay.
PA has the world's highest population of Amish.
About 75,000 Amish people live in Pennsylvania.
I was asked a lot when I say I'm from PA.
People will be like, oh, are you Amish?
Are you?
Like, how did I get all the way here from Amish on my horse and buggy?
Yeah.
Like that thing.
Yeah, it's very interesting.
And everyone came to the West.
That's a positive one.
That's positive.
And I don't know if it's obscure, but I also don't know how many people, if you quiz them, would know that Pennsylvania has the most Amish.
Like, I might have guessed Indiana.
I would have guessed New York, Upper New York.
Well, we win.
Yeah.
The next fact is: you don't need an officiant to certify a wedding, just witnesses.
It's known as a Quaker tradition.
And due to the population of Amish, there's a lot of laws that like bring the Amish into consideration.
So getting married is one of them.
You also can't force the midwife to be certified because you can't have an Amish midwife have to go through like legal certifications.
That's obscure and positive.
Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, is mushroom capital of the world and produces about 1 million pounds of mushrooms per year.
And annually, they hold a mushroom festival.
Oh.
Nice.
I think that's both obscure and positive as well.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
All right.
Well, your husband better subscribe, Jenny, because we have just performed Pennsylvania facts for you.
Well, what's in the news this week?
The White House seems to be anticipating bad economic numbers by redefining the word recession.
On Monday, Karine Jean-Pierre, who is the first black LGBTQ White House press secretary.
Yay.
How brave.
Told reporters that the shorthand definition of recession was merely a convention of journalists, not a professional evaluation.
She said, Oh, yeah, the definition used by economists differs.
You know, you're going into recession when they start saying, like, well, there's not much.
Yeah.
And it's all preventable, you know, like we don't, we're not going into a war to hopefully knock on wood.
Yeah, you just jinxed it.
There's no wood in here.
There's no wood in here.
But the door.
The wood-free facility.
You know, I don't know.
It just makes me nervous.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you guys like recessions?
I love them.
Have you ever been in a recession?
How old are you?
2008.
You were born in 2007?
No, I was born in 2002.
And so 2008, I was alive, but I was also six.
So I was doing like crayons and stuff, not taxes.
I don't know.
Do you remember the 2008 recession?
No.
I mean, you were alive.
I was alive.
Yeah.
I was born in 2007.
This has been MFF.
Pennsylvania, you age faster.
That's an obscure.
Oh, that's cool.
That's not positive.
Like an inception.
When I hit the Obama recession, you know, when I hit that, I had just entered the workforce.
And we were doing like 60, 65 hours a week.
Like, it was crazy.
Construction was booming.
And then it immediately stopped.
You know, a bunch of people got laid off and hours went to nothing.
That's how I feel entering the workforce now.
Really?
Yeah.
It's so, it's like, yeah.
Well, we will hire you if you quit college.
That's been propositioned to me now thrice.
Okay.
I want to know why would you continue college when you have a nice job at the Babylon B waiting for you?
I like my college.
Okay.
But also I like the Babylon B. We'll do a coin toss.
Maybe this isn't my last, my last day.
Okay.
Well, anyway.
Well, that's good.
We got Paul Krugman, who's been right about everything.
And he says, ignore the two-quarter rule.
We might have a recession, but we aren't in one now.
Remember when they kept saying about going into recession when Trump was president?
They're like, oh, we're going to go into recession.
Like, it was the best economy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then people were worried about it.
Well, I think Krugman, too, at the time was like, you know, sell all your stocks.
It's going to go horrible because Trump is getting locked in.
And he also said that the internet wouldn't last.
So he always.
Nice.
Yeah.
He's spot on.
He's a spot on.
Now he's using the internet to tweet nonsense.
He's tweeting nonsense to lead to the internet's downfall, so he can be right.
Oh, okay.
So we can all know via the internet whether he's right or not.
So GDP numbers come out tomorrow, so they'll be out by the time this podcast is out.
And it would be curious to see what they say.
Yeah, I love stocks.
You love stocks?
They're the best.
Emma explained commerce to me yesterday.
Not really.
I just told her to get a Roth IRA.
Yeah.
Stocks.
And she doesn't, well, like, and to get a checking account through Fidelity.
Yeah.
This podcast was not brought to you by Fidelity.
I'm a big fan.
So Biden got COVID, and he said one year ago, if you get these vaccines, you don't get COVID.
So.
And didn't he say, like, we're in a pandemic of the unvaccinated?
Yeah.
Like, so much for that.
It's a severe winter of death.
And what was it?
A winter of death and illness and death or something?
Happy holidays.
So monkeypox is now a public health emergency of international concern, according to who.
And I think like five people have died from it.
So that constitutes a national, like national concern.
International.
International concern.
Nine people, like, I mean, nine people, it's bad.
It's one per billion, right?
Is there seven billion people in the world?
There's almost eight.
I think we're about to crack eight.
Yeah, then that's more than one person per billion.
Obviously, it's an international health issue.
That's a good point, Claire.
Thank you.
That's why we get the best and the brightest from Hillsdale College.
You looking for someone to swear to send your kid?
You want them to be able to do that kind of math?
Yeah.
Check out the paper.
I actually know that eight is bigger than seven.
Wait, that I don't remember the numbers that we said.
Fine, but let's go on.
Nine is more than eight and seven.
Hillsdale is not sending their best.
Looked out Brooklyn Bishop was robbed at gunpoint.
Was there a video of this?
I saw like a picture, but I don't know if there was actually a video because I never watch videos on the internet.
But thieves robbed him and his wife at gunpoint and made off with more than one million dollars worth of jewelry.
That the why did they have one million dollars worth of jewelry?
I don't rich people.
I don't know.
That says views at the bottom of that picture.
So there's definitely a video.
Some kind of video of it.
Yeah.
I just re-watched the interview that Kim Kardashian did after her robbery in Paris.
And that was pretty crazy because her sister was like gone and she was going to come back.
And Kim thought she was going to die.
I don't know why I had a voice crack.
I wasn't getting like emotional.
I think you were.
Yeah.
I just love her so much.
Well, Trudeau has gone ahead and put a fertilizer cap on their farmers, similar to those causing farmer revolts in Europe.
There's like, who really wants to be a farmer now?
Like, there's so much restrictions and it's like monopolized.
So why would you, why would you make their lives any more difficult?
I feel like they should be allowed to like get away with anything.
Yeah.
It is crazy.
It is absolutely crazy.
I'm feeling this big cultural shift now where it's like they couldn't convince the public that climate change was a big enough thing to like not turn on lights as much or whatever.
Like they couldn't convince the public, so they were like, Okay, well, what we're gonna do is we're just gonna create this stand, this ESG standards, and we're just gonna go implement them on corporations.
And if they don't comply, they don't get business, you know.
And it's kind of a scary time when you think about it.
Yeah, it's like, why would you implement that on anybody, but especially not farmers?
Like, don't go after farmers.
That's crazy.
Like, leave the farmers alone.
Yes, and you can't bring like pigs into California from outside states because you have to humanely have the pigs in a bigger cage.
Yeah.
And the Californian farmers can afford to do that.
Yeah, it's the bacon crisis, the great bacon crisis.
It's crazy.
Why would you take away my bacon?
Like, yeah.
Yeah.
Don't mess with the bacon.
Yeah.
So we had a Babylon B banger of the week.
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Banger of the week.
10 biggest adjustments fleeing Californians have to make in their new states.
I helped write this one.
Emma basically wrote this whole article.
I went in and made some edits, but it was really good.
You did a great job, Emma.
Thank you.
You made me laugh several times.
Oh, thanks.
Or at least I went like this.
And then you're like sharp exit backspace backspace.
Delete, delete, delete, delete.
Because I feel like, you know, I've left California and came back, and I'm not from California, so I feel like I get what their adjustments are going to be.
Can you guys, can you pull up, open the article, guys?
Can you look up that article so I can read it?
Because it's like a list joke.
You know, they just yelled, hold on.
Oh, I know.
I'm like, I came from no one was on the computer.
Like East Coast, which I think humor is different.
You go to West Coast, and I think like people took me as really offensive immediately because you can't make fun of other people on the West Coast.
And then I was at this like close-knit college.
Click view wall on the buzzing.
Guys would like hug each other for like a whole minute.
And I was like, you can't do that on the East Coast.
You're gay on the East Coast if you like hug each other for that long.
Or like, I don't know.
Pennsylvania is hardcore.
Bros hug each other so long in DC.
Ah.
But I think that I think that is because they can.
So here are the 10 biggest adjustments Californians have to make when they move to a new state.
Strange wet stuff falls from the sky once in a while.
Yeah, it's weird.
It's called like rain.
Every time it rains out here, people are just like, I don't know how to drive on.
And they like drive off clips.
My college professor stopped our class to send someone out to go check if it was raining.
That does not happen.
Do you think they have windows at your college?
Not in that class.
Oh.
When we were in the B office, we were in the B offices in Florida.
It was like a sunny day.
Show up, and it's all a sudden, it's like, and I'm like, wow, I'm looking out the window.
What are you doing?
Like, it's raining.
This is crazy.
People don't say the in front of highway names.
This was your joke, wasn't it?
This was mine because, like, I live right next to 6-11 back in Pennsylvania.
Oh, it's a road.
You can't say if you say the 6'11, everyone's like, 'What are you?
Like, you're some weirdo.' That's true.
That is a huge difference.
Yeah, you don't say SNL made a whole reoccurring sketch about this fact.
Yeah, the Californians.
And it was, it was stupid.
It was a bad sketch.
I hated it so much.
Oh, I remember that.
Yeah, it wasn't done very well.
You can't wear flip-flops to church in other states.
Yeah.
Sad.
There's no need to call the police if you see someone with a gun strapped to their head.
That is a bit of a culture shock when you go somewhere else and you're like walking around Walmart and people just have revolvers on their head.
Like, I don't get scared by it.
But it's also like, oh, yeah, I'm in Arizona right now.
Yeah.
Like, you see someone, you know, walking around on their property with a shotgun.
It's like not the craziest thing to see.
Like, people here would be like, oh, 911.
I get scared when people don't have guns on their person.
Bless your heart doesn't mean bless your heart.
This was another one of your jokes.
Yeah.
This is more of a southern thing.
So it's not really.
Well, that's where people move, though.
They're moving to Texas.
Yeah, you go to Texas and someone says, bless your heart when you tell them you're from California.
And it's not necessarily a good thing.
No one cares about your preferred pronouns.
I liked this image of telling an old farmer in Oklahoma your pronouns when you show up.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I would love that for them to go to like a really old farmer guy in Oklahoma and be like, sir, I go by they.
Like, it would just be amazing.
You should probably just bring out his gun.
I picture the farmers in Idaho and Napoleon Dynamite when they're drinking like the egg drink and the cheese sandwich.
That's who I like to picture in that scenario.
Man buns are acceptable in a professional setting or any setting.
Unacceptable.
What did I say?
I think acceptable.
You have to go into buildings without any kind of official warning that something inside there might cause cancer.
I don't know if you guys outside of California know this, but there's signs on every building saying something in here might cause cancer.
It's like every, you know, like food you get, it's like something's in here that causes cancer.
You know, the state of California always says that.
It's never like, oh, the state of Iowa wants you to care about cancer.
Yeah.
Well, the funny thing about those signs on the buildings is the law is so big that, and people want to avoid, you know, getting sued or whatever, being liable.
So they just, every business has the sign.
So everywhere you're going to, it's like something, something in here might cause cancer.
And you're like, crop 65 or something.
The weather cycles from hot to cold and then back again on an annual basis.
I miss seasons.
Do not be alarmed.
I didn't like seasons.
I was happy to come from California.
The last time I saw snow was in May because Michigan is the worst.
So this is a nice break from that, but in kind of the exact opposite direction.
That's also the worst.
It was like 102 at seven in the morning a couple weeks ago, and I did not like that.
Did not care for it.
Sad.
And finally, you might have to make your own choices and take responsibility for your actions without the government taking care of you.
Sad.
All right, but we also had a bomb of the week.
Bomb of the week.
NASCAR driver mugged at gunpoint during pit stop at Chicago Cubs Series race.
I feel like we had ones that did worse than this, but that's a good job.
Because I guess they're actually doing a NASCAR race through the streets of NASCAR, through the streets of NASCAR.
I give up.
I can't talk.
Through the streets of Chicago.
Why?
They can't find a better city?
I don't know.
Like, why is NASCAR big in Chicago?
That's a southern thing.
Yeah, I don't know.
That is weird.
Should be through the streets of Southern, yeah, southern like Houston.
Oh, yeah, that's yeah, yeah, one of those, but those are like liberal.
Aren't all those big cities liberal?
Like, what is there any big city even in the south that's not liberal?
I'd say out of all the big cities in the south, yeah, Oklahoma City, and then probably Atlanta's probably no, I think Atlanta's blue.
Yeah, the suburbs of Atlanta are fine, but not actual Atlanta.
All right, well, 37 weeks ago, we debuted a new feature to the podcast called Sizzler Facts.
Sizzler Facts.
Um, uh, Claire, why don't you go ahead and read today's uh Sizzler Fact?
Thank you for this honor.
The Sizzler Fact comes from Lee Harvey of Oxford, Missouri.
The salad bar at our Sizzler is stocked with snoots.
Snoots crispy pig snouts glazed with barbecue sauce.
Yum.
If you guys come to Missouri, I'll buy you some snoots.
This has been Sizzler Facts, and thank you.
We also have Sizzler Comments.
Sizzler comments.
This is from Eric McLeod.
You want to read the Sizzler comment?
Sure.
I had a $20 Sizzler gift card that I was saving for a special occasion.
I drove by La Merada Sizzler on Rosecrans frequently with plans to empty a nice meal there.
Then my wife and I moved to the SDZ, the Sizzler Dead Zone, in Virginia.
It's been five years now.
I still have the gift card in a sock drawer.
And then Babylon B replied to them: if you send it to us, we will provide you with a detailed review of what we ate with the gift card.
And then Eric responded, I will send it.
Can you tell me if the La Merada Sizzler is still there?
I don't want to believe Google.
I don't, I like La Marada is where my college was, and I don't remember ever seeing Sizzler.
But maybe I wasn't paying attention for it.
So it feels like it's not there.
Ryan James said, I went to Sizzler.
My food tasted like it was card from that same original Redwood.
And it took them almost 10 years to get it to my table.
That paints a picture.
Agree to disagree, Ryan.
Alex F. says, Okay, so I'm Puerto Rican, and I used to go to Puerto Rico often.
And my only experience with the Sizzler was in Puerto Rico.
And man, they love their Sizzler, like, a lot.
Good for Puerto Rico.
All right, now it's time.
This has been Sizzler Comments.
And now it's time for B Radio with Austin Robertson.
Factually inaccurate.
Morally correct.
This is Babylon B Radio.
Our top story.
The president shot back at what he called, quote, super duper ultra MAGA Turbo Titans this week, as he claimed, quote, you can't be pro-insurrection and pro-American, despite being the commander-in-chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.
Can you imagine Thomas Jefferson calling for the blood of tyrants?
What if John Adams refused to pledge failure to King George?
England would have nuked us to oblivion.
It would have been total malarkey anarchy.
Said the unblinking bud, unflinching in the face of his citizenry, increasingly questioning whether he is fit to be president.
Look, here's the deal: these capital insurrectionists are traitors to American ideals because they wanted to challenge the results of an election.
I know this for a fact because a traitor is everyone who does not agree with me.
White House officials have advised the president to stop saying, quote, we saw what happened in regards to the January 6th Capitol riots because he keeps describing things like law enforcement agencies being speared with terrorist javelins, dripping in blood, surrounded by carnage, and other events that never took place.
Meanwhile, President Biden has signed a bill into law prohibiting everyone in America from using the word recession.
The Economic Integrity Protection Act, also known as the Don't Say Recession bill, now threatens to punish any American with the full force of the law for simply uttering the word recession.
Administration officials say they tried changing the definition of recession, but if anything, it just made people point out Biden's recession even more.
Apparently, when the price of everything is inflated, which causes economic decline, reduced trade, and a fallen GDP for two consecutive quarters, people start to notice.
Weird.
According to sources, those who break the law use the word recession will face up to 10 years in prison, which after inflation amounts to 17 years.
The Biden administration confirmed the bill had a sunset clause that will take effect if a Republican is ever elected president.
Pope Francis donned a traditional Cherokee Indian headdress this week in preparation for a meeting with Native American Congresswoman Elizabeth Warren.
It's time for the Catholic Church to apologize for what we did to indigenous people.
The Catholics' brutal practice of adopting orphan children from Stone Age crimes to practice cannibalism and human sacrifice is horrible.
To make matters worse, we even educated these orphan children in the ways of the Catholic Church.
This is unforgivable.
Sources close to Warren say she's ready to accept the Pope's apology on behalf of her people.
The ceremonial reconciliation will take place over a peace pipe and a warm bowl of powwow chow from Warren's famous Indigenous cookbook.
Republicans are happily applauding gubernatorial candidate Fado O'Rourke as he continues to dig an enormous sinkhole for Democrats to dump their money into.
It's becoming one of my favorite annual events.
Senator Ted Cruz, my man literally takes hundreds of millions of dollars away from Democratic donors and chucks it into the abyss.
Plato seriously might be the best player on our team.
Following O'Rourke's failed Senate candidacy and hilariously feudal presidential run, Democrats are still coming out in droves to throw their money into the void.
Sources from the campaign say that O'Rourke considered building a bonfire to burn the money but opted for his usual sinkhole.
Tradition is tradition.
Well.
You never know, though, if Texas could just suffer a couple more horrific tragedies that I can exploit by being an enormous turdbucket.
I might only lose by a couple points.
Check out this 720 brawl.
Republicans were rejoicing to hear that Governor Gavin Newsom had bought TV ads in Texas and Florida, in which he feeds money from Democratic donors directly into a shredder.
After a steady exodus of people fleeing to Texas to escape oppression under Newsom's rule, there's been a sudden outcry for a return to the coastal paradise amid rising temperatures in the Lone Star State.
Some promised land.
Did we escape just to perish in this heat?
A local reporter interviewed sweating former Californians outside of Bucky's in the KWKT Fox 44 segment on the crisis.
The So You Want to Go Back to Cali segment documents the Californian refugees crying out for a return to slavery, with most remembering it fondly.
Would it not have been better for us to have died where at least we had meatless burgers, plenteous vaccines, and some beach access?
Leaders of the Texas Exodus have called for Californians to remember their bondage, with eyewitnesses confirming that Joe Rogan and Elon Musk tore their clothes and reminded exiles of their home state's brutal taxation, extreme housing prices, rampant crime, and religious persecution, but were instead met with cries of, why did you lure us to Texas to kill us with this heat?
Governor Newsom bragged that he could, quote, tax everyone at 65% and wouldn't lose any voters.
As of his last recall, he was correct.
The nation's leading scientists have unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum.
Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state's curriculum for grades 9 through 12.
The gender table features 114 genders in addition to a wildcard space that represents the limitless imagination of the human mind.
Much like its elemental counterpart, the gender table features an array of symbols and descriptions, but it also includes recommended pronouns for each gender, as well as recommended consequences for misgendering, ranging from canceling to doxing and arson.
California lawmakers have voted to require teaching on the periodic table of genders beginning in preschool.
Visitors to the world-famous San Diego Zoo continued to be disappointed by the Tasmanian devil, according to zoo officials.
Adults and children who visit the enclosure are often surprised when the animals don't spontaneously erupt into whirlwinds of chaos that decimate everything in their path.
Experts have traced the misconception about the animal's abilities to the 1954 debut of a Looney Tunes character named Taz.
Yeah, people visit with a preconceived notion that the devil is a larger-than-life beast that can rend people limb from limb.
James Leslie is the manager of the San Diego Zoo.
You don't expect a weird rat-looking cat dog that's always sleeping.
These are nocturnal animals that are mostly scavengers.
They're capable of eating small kangaroos, but for obvious reasons, we don't throw live joys in the pen.
Not during zoo hours, that is.
We even added some signage next to the devil's enclosure to warn visitors that the animal has no official affiliation with LooneyToons.
But it's not helping.
A wide-eyed young girl who once dreamed of being a zookeeper herself left the exhibit in tears after workers explained that the devil does not, in fact, turn into a spinning tornado.
Her father later filed an official complaint.
Now you're up to date on the only news that matters.
Find more fake news you can trust at BabylonB.com.
Until next time, this is Austin Robertson, the voice of the Babylon Bee.
Till long.
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Jesus can still see you if you're looking at pornography, though.
So don't do that.
Thank you, Austin.
You do a great job with the old-timey radio voice.
And now it's time to weekly news with Adam Jenser.
It's time for the weekly news with Adam Jenser.
Klondike announced that after almost 40 years on store shelves, it's discontinuing the Chaco Taco.
In a related story, Joe Biden no longer knows what she's going to refer to, Black Hispanics.
Joe Biden tested negative for COVID on Wednesday and will leave isolation.
According to his doctors, his symptoms have abated and his brain fog has returned to its normal level.
According to a poll in New Hampshire, Pete Buttigieg is the leading Democrat presidential candidate for 2024.
And I hear Pete Buttigieg loves the poll.
The one that he is in the lead on, of course.
Chibotly is launching a new promotion called Buy the Dip, where they'll be giving away various cryptocurrencies, which means cryptocurrency now has the same monetary value as free chips and salsa.
A survey found out that one in five people don't want to have kids.
And worst of all, some of those people already have kids.
Brittany Griner testified that when she was stopped at the Moscow airport, she was made to sign documents without knowing what they said.
She explained that as a WNBA player, she's not used to being asked to sign things.
The City Council of Beverly Hills has voted to ignore any future mask mandates issued by LA County.
Beverly Hill residents say that they paid a lot of money to inflate their lips with Botax, and they're not going to cover it up.
During a tournament in Russia, a chess-playing robot broke a seven-year-old boy's finger, marking the first time it's been exciting to watch chess.
Rumors circulated online that Elon Musk had an affair with the wife of Google founder Sergei Brin.
And now Google's sentient AI is also claiming to have an affair with Elon Musk.
Hunter Biden was photographed out in public for the first time in months, taking his wife and son out to look for crack and hookers.
This has been the weekly news with Adam Yenster's filling.
Thanks, Adam.
That was great.
Now we're going to go into a segment where we're going to read rejected Babylon Bee headlines, also known as the quest for the third conservative joke.
So from time to time, I will tweet out a list of headlines that have been pitched by our writers, but we didn't actually use them.
Now, not all of these are bad.
It's just we get a lot of pitches, so we can't always use them.
Yeah, I know.
I get a lot of rejected ones.
The only ones I've ever pitched were rejected.
Have you had a headline published before?
Yeah, I did the offspray for Biden and then Weird, everyone knows what a woman is now after Roe v. Ray.
That was a good one.
That was a good one.
Okay, so here we go.
If you don't think the Babylon B is funny, wait till you see the headlines we don't publish.
Pregnancy centers are deceptive, says white woman who calls herself an Indian.
Elizabeth Warren reference.
The joke is that Elizabeth Warren says she's an Indian.
Jill Biden tells Breakfast Tacos she's sorry her comments made them hot tamales.
Adam pitched this and then I think he put it in weekly news.
Yeah, I was going to say, I thought it was published.
Baby's last thought as brain sucked out was, I'm glad mom is going to get promoted to assistant manager at the job she hates.
Aw.
That's a little vivid.
Yeah.
It's a little too lighthearted for us.
Elizabeth Warren explains that when her people kill a baby, they use every part of the baby.
Another one that I think Adam?
Adam pitched it as a headline and then he repurposed it as a weekly news joke.
He's like, I'll show you.
I'll get it in there somewhere.
Up yours woke moralists, says Jordan Peterson to Planet Fitness employees asking him to stop slamming his weights.
Did you guys know this at Planet Fitness?
Like they don't let you slam your weights.
Like they get mad at you.
There's only like one like if you're powerlifting and there's like one thing that you slam your weights.
Otherwise don't slam your weights.
Well, I mean yeah.
Like when you're deadlifting, don't deadlift.
Like, no, it's just improper.
It's like gym, bad gym etiquette.
And plus if you're like deadlifting and you're slamming your weights, you're doing it wrong.
But Planet Fitness is trying to be like accepting to non-fitness people.
So they like have rules about like you're not supposed to yell because they don't want it to be intimidating.
So if you're like, they'll like get mad at you.
They have an alarm that they're tested to like.
I think that's a good rule.
Call me crazy.
I don't want yelling and where I am.
I'm gonna go to a girl gym then.
Well, the only yelling that's appropriate is women's tennis.
Yeah, that's fine.
But do they have women's tennis at the Planet Fitness?
Can men can scream when they're playing tennis, right?
How often do you play tennis and also scream?
Together or separately?
I, yeah, I guess I don't really.
I don't really grunt when I swing in tennis.
I scream like maybe once a week.
Yeah.
Just to make sure I can still do it.
See if I still feel.
Check the pipes.
Target bag outraged over demotion to garbage bag.
That's a good one.
Calorie counting app beginning to suspect it's not getting the whole story.
I like that one.
Local man confident nobody knows what he's doing when he walks into the lake waist deep for 45 seconds.
Okay.
Yeah, I know what you're doing.
He's going to the bathroom.
Yeah, peeing.
That's funny.
Biden greets Crown Prince.
Bibbity Bobbity, give me the zombie.
Hunter Biden claims his No Yellows comment was about how he didn't want to go see the new minions movie.
I wrote this joke while I was at the Minions movie with my children.
Wow, you had one that's not published.
I get a ton of a lot of these are mine.
I like that one too, but nobody thumbed it.
And then I had second thoughts.
I don't always look in that channel unless I pitched one.
I'm going to be in the writer's channel.
We got to put you in the writer's channel.
Yeah.
I don't know.
New Hollywood Out.
Hollowed out.
No, let me think.
Sorry.
New hollowed out AR-15 lets you smuggle Bibles into Southern Baptist Church.
I thought either I saw this, I saw this somewhere.
I remember seeing that somewhere.
But that's like AR-15's like Bibles are so much bigger than it's a hollowed out AR-15, so you can like.
We'd Photoshop, you know.
It's not a real thing.
That's just a joke.
Wait, you're telling me these are joke people?
Yeah, these are.
Kim Jong-un airs commercials in Florida trying to get people to move to North Korea.
Avoid getting monkeypox with this one weird trick.
Oh boy.
Is that yours?
Yes.
Did you know Elon Musk lays over 1,000 eggs on the beach each season, but only one makes it to the ocean?
What?
I like that one a lot.
I like the image that Bettina would create of like Elon Musk as like a turtle and like the world must see this.
Yeah.
And now Bettina has to Photoshop it for the podcast.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Biblical scholars say that the Good Samaritan later hunted down the robbers and all went to and went.
Oh my gosh.
Okay, never mind.
Biblical scholars say that the Good Samaritan later hunted down the robbers and went all John Wick on them.
The Babylon Bee's skinny woman of the year is your mom.
Got him.
January 6th, prisoners immediately freed after dressing up like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
Los Angeles driver barely makes it through the yellow light along with six cars behind him.
Very true.
Very true.
That's probably a New York thing, too.
I feel like when the lights turn red, they just don't like they just are, well, I'm getting close.
Like a in the city.
Like a city thing.
Yeah, but I like nowhere else have I seen that many people drive through red lights than in here.
It happens a lot in DC.
Oh, does it?
Yeah.
DC is like notorious for terrible drivers.
Yeah, because you get people from Maryland.
It's all Maryland's fault.
Yeah.
I've heard that.
Conspiracy Biden caught making a deal with ghost to arrest AOC.
Man rediscovers faith and decides to start praying again after toilet clogs at friends' house.
You want to know where I was when I pitched that one?
No, that was Adam pitched that one actually, but I like to think that that's what was happening.
Capitol Police taking bets on when AOC will realize she isn't handcuffed and was free to go the whole time.
This was also in the weekly.
Oh, wasn't it?
Adam just pitches them and he's like, ah, they don't want to take him up.
Yesterday's self makes today's self late for work by saying tomorrow's self can stop for gas.
You don't want to know where I was when I pitched that.
I was getting gas on the way to the meetings.
I always do stuff to help out future Emma.
And then when I get to that point, I always thank past Emma.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, I like get there and I'm like, ah, thanks, Emma.
I hurt future Kyle.
Drought blamed on local wife who drinks like eight gallons of water a day.
She might have diabetes.
Shocking.
January 6th finale.
Shocking January 6th finale reveals that panel members had been dead all along and the show was a dream.
Wife settles on perfect, precise arrangement of furniture that she will rearrange again in nine days.
Want me to guess where you were when that was that is also true.
Congress confirms January 6th hearings will resume in the fall with Halloween Spooktacular.
I just love the word spooktacular.
Nike releases Air Josh Hawley's sissy baby girl, little girl, running sneakers.
Catholics criticize Wiseman for falling to worship Jesus, but not his mother.
Yeah.
I can verify that that's true.
Rings of Power draws criticism for casting Michael, I'm going to get his name wrong.
Sarah.
Sarah as Sauron.
And finally, White House reassures America that Biden is doing better.
Slept well, ate his breakfast, had a full diaper.
That's the best one.
Was that yours or was that?
Oh, that should have made it.
We could still put it up, you know?
Yeah.
There you go.
Let's go publish that, guys.
On Twitter now.
It's too late.
That's not too late.
Look, only six people retweeted it.
Yeah.
123 people liked it.
Treasure in Heaven is great, but it's not going to buy you a tank of gas.
So let's take a moment to briefly review the current state of our economy and the global effect the war between Russia and Ukraine has had.
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Or visit allegiancegold.com/slash B-E-E.
Well, we have another segment now, and I believe it's Claire quotes.
It is.
Yes.
So we have a bunch of quotes written, well, a few, six or seven quotes written down from Claire.
And as it's your last day, we wanted to get your clarification on these quotes and what you were talking about.
Okay.
So here's the first one.
Wow, they're like the scissors of the future.
Brandon or Ryan, I don't know which actually bought it, got this little machine that cuts things and it's it's scissors, but they spent a lot of money on it, I assume.
So it's the cry cut, is that right?
Yeah, sure.
It's scissors, but it's like a precision cutting machine, but it's the scissors of the future.
Yeah, okay.
That makes sense.
That one makes sense.
The next one is, I rarely miss class unless I'm in the ER.
This one is interesting because it's actually a misquote.
I never miss class unless I'm in the ER.
I went to the ER a lot this semester for Lyme disease.
I didn't know you had Lyme disease.
Yeah, I well, I didn't go for Lyme disease necessarily.
I had an IV in my arm that I was allowed to put meds into for four weeks.
And on the symptoms list of like, hey, you should go to the ER if this occurs, it's like everything that exists.
So anytime anything happened, I was like, oh, gotta go to the ER.
And it happened a lot.
I left church one time because I thought I had a blood clot in my arm.
And then I went to the hospital.
And then when I got in the room, in the hospital room, there was someone else's blood on the ground.
And I was like, hey, what?
And the nurse was like, oh, let me get that.
And so I took my phone out to take a picture because I was like, this is funny.
And she looked at me and she goes, come on.
So I was like, sorry.
And I put my phone away.
You didn't get the picture?
No.
It sucked.
Sad.
I have unusually long femurs.
I've done the math.
My legs are 67% of my body.
That's just a fact.
67.7%.
67% of height?
Yeah.
I cross-multiplied.
And it was all of me.
And then from my hips down.
And it's 67%.
When I bend, my ribs touch my hips.
Is it fairly common for legs to be like a large portion of your height?
I mean, I would think.
I've never done the math as you have, but.
Yeah, what's the percentage it's supposed to be?
I don't know.
Not that high.
Because I talked to my pediatrician just because it wasn't a serious concern.
I was like, hey, guess what I did?
And she was like, huh, that's weird.
And it was a huge problem in crew.
I rode crew in high school and like your knee comes up when you're in the boat.
And if I didn't have my little cushion to make me a little bit taller, if I was going too fast, my jaw would slam into my knee and it hurt really bad.
So I had to wear a cushion every day under my butt.
I didn't wear it.
Okay.
I think about Judaism all the time.
Like a lot.
That's true.
Yeah, that's just a fact.
Why do you think about Judaism?
You should explain.
To clarify.
I like it.
I think it's pretty good.
And yeah.
I'm a Catholic, but I think Judaism is pretty cool.
And I speak a fair amount of Yiddish for someone that isn't Jewish.
Because it's better than English.
Or any language.
My favorite egg shenanigan.
This one, that was actually after Emma shared a hilarious egg anecdote.
And so I followed it up with a different egg anecdote.
And so I said, my favorite egg shenanigan is, and then I shared it.
Egg shenanigan sounds like the good name a good name for a band.
It does.
It sure does.
Maybe.
He's just a pervert for puddles.
That one was about Dan.
Oh, is when he was Dungeons and Dragons?
During a game.
No.
End of context.
It's just about Dan in general.
But also specifically when he drank from the puddle for like four turns in DD.
All right, Claire.
Well, we're going to miss you.
And thank you for providing the context.
If anybody's looking for a, you know, worker, intern, you know, whatever.
What are you doing?
What are you studying at college?
What's I'm studying?
It's, I just, the cha.
Math.
Yeah, math.
The title changed.
I think now what it's called is Rhetoric and Public Address Media Studies, but it might be mass communication concentration.
But I have a minor in journalism at Hillsdale College.
Well, mass communication makes sense since you're a Catholic.
Didn't because of mass.
A Judaism enthusiast.
So we got some hate mail.
Anyway, hire her when she graduates.
If we don't.
So, hate mail.
I'm Miss Adam Ford.
We interviewed Rand Paul, and Cindy did not like us asking about alcohol yes.
She's like, I thought this was a Christian website.
So why is he asking questions about alcohol?
Question mark, question mark.
I have explained over and over that I'm a convert to the LDS church and we have revelation from God about why it is wrong to use alcohol.
Now everyone can attack me for being Mormon, right?
Yeah.
Okay, I'm out.
Goodbye.
Wait, like you didn't let us say anything yet.
Oh, here's she kept going.
Why did you ask questions about alcohol?
I have ranted against alcohol for 20 years, typing my fingers to the bone.
And then this guy answers you and admits he drinks.
Oh, this makes me furious.
I thought you were Christian, yet you drink booze.
Not every Christian is Mormon.
Most Christians aren't Mormon.
Yeah.
I can confirm that.
Well, hang on.
I'll be the unfiltered non-editor-in-chief.
I said most Christians aren't Mormon.
I think that's a fact.
Most Christians are not Mormon.
All Christians are not Mormon.
Yeah.
Rand Paul does drink.
Is that what they're saying?
I guess.
Is he Mormon or what's the name of the world?
I don't know that his family is Christian.
I don't know if he's personally Christian.
I think he is.
He didn't get the revelation from Joseph Smith and his tabernacles that no one has seen.
I bet he also drinks coffee.
Oh my gosh.
Well, Fox News published an interview with me, and someone replied to it.
The Babylon Bee is run by Jews, and they regularly mock Christianity.
Yeah.
See?
You're just proving them right at this point.
That's actually why I work here is because of all the Jews because I love them.
Well, everyone, we hope you've enjoyed the Bee Weekly and getting to know Claire before you never see her again forever.
I'm in the Allie Best Ducky interview.
Oh, I guess you might see.
You might see her anyway.
Maybe we'll shoot a video.
We're going to shoot some listicles later, so we'll get you to.
Or she'll quit college.
Or she'll quit college.
Or I'll quit college.
Which is a good idea.
Get more scholarship money.
I quit college two years in.
I quit and then I went back and finished.
I could do either of those things.
All right.
Well, stay tuned if you're a subscriber.
We got some bonus hate mail, some subscriber headlines, and we're going to ask Claire whichever set of 10 questions we haven't asked her yet.
Coming up next, for Babylon B subscribers.
It's a typical millennial favorite.
It's the NPC game for NPCs.
Real men play Star Fox 6-4 and get a high score in the 2000s.
I like that you pronounced it Star Fox 6-4.
That was.
How was I supposed to?
It's Star Fox 64.
Oh.
It's like Trump and his two Corinthians.
Too crazy.
This has been another edition of the Bee Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee.
Reminding you that someone out there knows something about Carmen.